Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/26/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #11

Episode Date: September 28, 2012

Joey and Lee talk with his friend Mike who was with Joey in Colorado durring the cocaine "explosion." Listen to find out what kind of animal tranquilizer Joey used to take to relax.  Streamed live on 09/26/2012

What the fuck the church of what's happening now is in full effect bitches Joey Coco Diaz Lisa at aka the flying fucking Jew put the music down little fucking Achilles last stand on a beautiful Wednesday. Happy Yom Kippur to all the Jews in the house. You know I love you motherfuckers. Lee shows up without a Yama Khan. He's eating fucking salami sandwiches and it's Yom Kippur cocks up to have a little respect. You know what I'm saying? What can I say? Today's episode brought to you by fucking anti Dolores is 100,000 milligram bites. These THC little things. I like these people. They're all right. They also make 150 50 milligram bite. And they also make like a 2000 milligram bite. When you say bite, what is that? Look

a little bite, like a little fucking piece of sandwich. What's with the questions? You know what I'm saying? Just a little munchkin. But they make these fucking 200 milligrams cheese cookies that taste like fucking ass. I had one on a plane. I thought it was one you know, like a piece of cheese, like with a cookie. I had the fucking thing. It tastes like ass, but it fucked me up so much. I almost begged the students to take the plane down. I was going to be like a Cuban in the 70s hijacked this motherfucker. The St. Louis cock stuck it. So if you go to a weed store, if you have access, go to anti fucking whatever is anti Dolores is tremendous. Cheese crackers, fuck bank chocolate. They don't show they

don't twit back. Fuck those bitches. That's another new thing. Fuck bank. Yeah, they fucked and pissed me off. I ain't going to give him no more fucking like no and they got good shit. The cookies and cream and the fire with the orange thing. They got this chocolate and spicy. It fucks you up. But anyway, yonking poor for my fucking Jews out there. What's today about? You're supposed to atone. Yeah, they're not supposed to eat. You came in fucking eating cookies and shit. This is this is what the Jews have over Catholics. Like the Catholics have to go every week or or to confess or one day a year. One day a year. We don't eat for 24 hours. And then at the end of the day, we have bagels with locks and everyone feels

good about themselves. But I fucking I this isn't I don't mean I don't want to offend anyone. But the reason why I didn't like it was the temple I went to no one would go to for the whole year. And this week and last week, everybody becomes a Jew. And they come with the fancy suit. Sure. And they talk to everyone. And I'm like, why? I mean, you're coming here to be seen because you're not coming here because you like it. I mean, I didn't like it. So I don't go and if people want to go, they can go. But I mean, it's just it's like anything else. It's so fake. It's like anything else, you know, they go when it's time and it'd be shaking hands. And meanwhile, they sit in the first pew. Yeah,

put an extra fucking 20. They shake the rabbi's hand. Yeah. But meanwhile, they're eating fucking black cheese. Have you found the black chick to get cocksucker? Because I know it's driving you crazy. You little Jew motherfuckers like that black ass. I try but I open with the fart in the face and I should bring that up later. No, no, I'm gonna fix you up with a nice black chick. You need to because you like him. You like a little I did it. But you don't need that. That's a problem. No, I don't need that. That's not that nose and that little muffling go to town like a Jew put the yarmulke over one eye like an iPad. And you've recommended to me on girls that look like they watch because when we have

coffee, it's hot and girls are sweating. And are you fucking half a fruitcake girls are sweating? That's the color of the asshole. That's the color of the asshole. You fucking mook is the girl sweat. That little monkey sweat when that's why you want to eat up some pussy after she runs eight or nine miles. But anyway, it's Yomka poor. And that's all that matters. You know, it's a time for second chances and atonement and all that shit. So get your fucking lives together, little filthy fucking Jews. Besides that, I'm pissed off about sons and I don't know what the fuck happened last night. I'm sitting there fucking a cookie deep in stone to the gills. Next thing you know, Gemma beats up some fucking

little ugly hooker. But then opie's done. RIP opie. A lot of people hit me up on to it. Don't be a spoiler. Listen, listen, bitches. Son's anarchy comes on every fucking Tuesday at seven. I don't give a fuck what you got to do. Get to the TV and watch it whenever I want to watch some on TV. I make fucking time for it. Okay. I don't DVR. I DVR. I'm so go watch them later. But I watch them and get it over with. So nobody comes up to me says don't say nothing. I'm taping it. Oh, give a fuck. We're not gonna fucking talk about it. You fucking mook. Don't be a spoiler. Don't don't don't fucking listen. I'm gonna talk about shit. All right. So that's what happened last night. Opie got hit by three

fucking black guys in the fucking head. I'm supposed to be excited here. You know, people like I should have to have some fucking moment this morning. I don't think I could watch something. It's television. You don't fuck. You know what I'm saying? It's television. You watch it. You get entertained. It's not the best television, but it's fucking television. All right. And that's it. That and breaking bad is all I watch. That's it. Because everything else blows. Let me tell you something. I didn't talk about this Monday morning. I talked about some beauty beats podcast with Chris McGuire. Let's get this shit out of the way. Tonight. I'm sitting fucking there. My wife want to listen, guys. You're married. You got two or

three TVs in your house. Your wife watches one thing. You watch the other thing. Sometimes you don't watch TV at all. I'm watching the fucking I walk by five to eight. And the Grammys one, whatever the fuck the enemies. Yeah, I watched the beginning of the enemies. Now, Jimmy Kimmel, I love this fucking I watched the show. I always watch this. He was going to be on in the night. And I watched Jimmy Kimmel. I'm a fan of his, but they did a sketch in the beginning. Lee, this is what kills me about this shit. If you laugh at that sketch, shoot yourself in the fucking head right now. I was listening the next day and the people on the news. Oh, they were funny fucking sketch. You know, they cost to shoot that sketch about

300,000 with salaries and scales and all that shit. And they had 20 motherfuckers in there. All two or three of them supposed to be funny. We're fucking funny. And I guarantee the people who wrote it like that's what I like. Like, Oh, God, we're flying in Joe bananas from Idaho to write this sketch. He's such a crazy comedy writer. And that's what they fucking give you. And I watched the beginning of it. And there's what's sad that I sat there and listened to people laughing with their stupid fucking tuxedos on in their fucking sheepish fucking mode of war year. Because the sheep is fucking thing you'll ever watch. And people are my Botox. Well, that's a fucking LA joke. Because all these momos are walking around looking like what's the fucking

juke with their faces frozen in 10 years. If your face ain't fucking frozen from the surgery, you're not going to work. I was being proud for years. I'm like, look at this ugly face. By the time I get to be 45, I'm going to be in fucking a ton of movies. None of them. Because now I got to put Botox in my eyebrows. I got to pump my eyes out like a fucking frog. If you don't look like Mickey Rourke all fucked up, you can't work no more. And I love Mickey Rourke. No disrespect to Mickey Rourke. But that's what they're doing. Like all my Botox, what am I going to do about me? You're fucking get it together. Go to the fucking gym. What the fuck? You know, a couple years ago, the reason why I lost weight was I went to a doctor. I go to a heart doctor, Dr. Soleimani,

great fucking guy. And this guy one time took it. He goes, you know what? You're heavy. Put your hearts in great shape. You don't only have a couple of black spots on there from the fucking sleep apnea. He goes, I'll pay for you to lose the weight. It inspired me so much because he goes, give me that gastric bypass. Yeah, you know, listen, I understand there's people that have it, but gastric bypass your fucking with your fucking body. Oh, you gotta do right now. I went to 711 this morning, get coffee 445. I seen the fattest fucking do across the street, walking around the park, that dark fucking park there. I'm only in whatever. If you want to lose weight, that's what needs to be done. You got to push yourself away from the fucking table and

exercise. You go down and you could chop your fucking stomach. You could do all this shit, chop your ass, get a vaginal rejuvenation. When you're 50, you're fucking 50 and you look 50. So nothing you're gonna do is not gonna make you look 50. Be proud of your fucking age. I got white hair. I died once in a while for an audition. We don't want that much white hair. I love fucking white hair. I'm old. What do you want me to do? You want me to walk around with a tattoo and a t-shirt with a goatee with fucking classic jeans to try to be dirty? Go home and the fucking sweater is that if that's you. I'm gonna be 15th of February. I'm fucking proud of it. Yeah, this fucking ugly face. I would never do nothing to this or chop up. I could chop up a bunch of

fucking things. I could fill the marks in the pot marks. I look like James over with almost the 30 years of coke picking my face with a fucking tweezer, but I'm not gonna fucking fix it. So if you're 50, act like you're fucking 50. You're gonna walk around with those designer jeans with two buttons on the back like you're a young kid. That's why when you go to Vegas, I feel like fucking puking at night. When I walk around, I see all these old people standing online for a fucking club. Go upstairs. Go to sleep. You dumb fuck. What are you gonna do in here? You ain't got no blow. You're gonna go with that cheek fucking cologne and talk to young girls and go, you ever smell cologne? If you're a man and you put cologne, shoot yourself right fucking

You're supposed to like wash with something like a Irish spring or something. Put like skin cream on. But once you put that fucking cologne, you walk around looking like a fucking goat. Like some fucking foreign fucking goat. Those foreigners are allergic to water, but they love to put fucking cologne on. They put and they put cologne on over fat, sweat, and armpit. Fucking get it together, bro. Wash your fucking armpits, you nasty motherfucker. When I see a guy with like a nice con cologne, that's over. There's nothing to fucking talk about. You're a fucking phony with that fucking cologne. You want to have that natural scent. Women like the musk. That's why scratch your fucking nuts at three in the afternoon. That's

what your body's supposed to smell like. Wipe it behind your ears. Wipe it behind your ears. Women go fucking bananas right under your nose. Like a football player in the eyebrows. But the point of the thing being is, you know, be happy. I'm a fat fuck. I could do a thousand times. Go do steroids. I go chop my stomach off and get a plug and fucking put plugs in my ass to get tired of it. You are what you are. What was that one about? I don't fucking know. You go to the gym, bro, and you do the best what you fucking do. You eat some carrots. You push yourself away from the table. You know, you put skin cream on. You do this shit. You put cucumbers on your eyeballs. Many times you start fucking around with nature. You're going to fuck stuff up. When I was a kid,

and you had Joy Fullotto the other day talking about steroids and shit, a lot of my buddies did that shit. And I tell you what, I used to think about it. A couple times I ate those little fucking anabars and shit. Like I was getting prescriptions from a doctor for blow in those days. Tremendous deal. This doctor is still alive in Miami. He's retired. I still call him every once in a while to thank him. I would bring him blown. He'd give me prescriptions of fucking steroids, oral steroids, and I'd give them to my friends and shit. I never understood if you're not going to be a professional athlete or you're not going to really need them, you're going to shoot steroids to do what? To go on the Jersey Shore and walk around with those fucking

momos. You're going to shoot steroids basically to get VD. That's it. And to get beat up because if you ain't a fucking savage, it's going to get come out anyway. You're walking around with that thing of tattoo around your neck. Somebody's going to bitch slap you eventually. So what the fuck with all this shit with the fake fucking jeans? Anyway. And for you, you must feel proud about looking 50 because you never thought you'd get this old to be 38. No, I never thought I'd be fucking 38. That's why I never plan for the future. That's why all these shit babies and cars and fucking houses. I didn't even plan for this shit. I didn't think I was going to make it, Lee. And then I found somebody who took me to the next fucking chapter and gave you a reason to

fucking live. You know, I'm going on five years without doing blow. And I sit here some times and I go, that's you. If you met me then and you see me now, but I knew that if I would stop getting high, my life would move forward. And it really didn't a lot of ways. You know, that's why sometimes I don't smoke weed for a few days because I seen by me quitting to blow. And you know, it's funny Lee. I didn't need a therapist. I didn't need an a a console. I didn't need a fucking rehab or a hug. It was all with a cat, that little super bad cat. I almost died and I prayed until this day, I cannot fucking believe. I don't do blow. I cannot fucking believe that. Yeah, you know, so I'm very fucking I'm coming up on it for five years and I'm sitting there going,

what the fuck? How did this happen? But you know, I'm happy. I'm in a place where I'm very happy and I see people and I see for what they are. It's so funny how the last couple of days that we get hit from people that wouldn't even talk to me, wouldn't even talk to me with podcasts and shit. And you know what? I don't want to do nothing because if you didn't give me love before, now I'm not going to give you the fucking love you deserve from me. They hit me. Oh, I didn't know you wanted to do the podcast. Let's be fucking for a fuck you bitch. Yeah, you fucking knew about me for the last fucking 20 years. But you thought everybody thinks they're fucking better than somebody. Now this podcast of flying you gave a little heat and everybody wants

to be your fucking friend only in LA. These people got no fucking dignity. You know what I'm saying? If you don't, I'm the type of guy won't hang with you even if you got the best fucking weed. If I don't like you and you got the best weed, I got no reason to talk to these motherfuckers will hang with you for no fucking reason. Like those people at the fucking Emmys DNI laughing at those idiots doing that. And you know, I love Jimmy, but even who writes this shit? Who sells this shit to the network? You look at these network television shows and you ask yourself, what the fuck is really going on? Beside Louis, Son's anarchy breaking bad. What the fuck is really going on? Really? We want to see fucking what's her name's ex husband do a standup show. We got

10 million fucking standups and we got Brody Steven sitting at home. All you have to do is put a cam on them, but they give fucking that guy Russell Brand the fucking comment. Oh, really? Really? Who watches that shit? A bunch of fat chicks that like a skinny dirty motherfucker with a fucking English accent. Really? Really? That's what we want to see in this fucking country. You can see we think that if we hang out with a foreigner with an accent, it makes us cooler or smarter. You ever call an agency in LA? No, call a fucking agency. Hi. Welcome to international artist group. Go fuck yourself. Put the fucking white people on cocksucker. If I want to talk to England, I'll call Benny Hill or something like that. What the fuck? But it's everything to be different, to be fucking

cool. No, no, no, we hide in England. It's like in the seventies, it was cool to have a black friend to show people that, you know, I'm liberal. Now you got to have a Hindu friend with sandals. Who the fuck hangs out with Hindus with sandals? But now in college, that's why everybody, I'm Z, I'm sorry. Now I like I'm Z, I'm sorry. It's very funny. But 20 years ago, I'm Z, I'm sorry, couldn't walk around people saying what the fuck is that Hindu doing with fucking sandals? But now if you don't have a foreign, a fucking friend, forget it. Oh my God, you're not cool. You always got invited. Oh, this is my friend Mahoud from Sri Lanka. Your name was Max. Yeah, it was Max. Let's get the fuck out of here. You fucking momos. I was actually thinking about

this. And I don't know what you think. Do you think TV like this is like some it just it just feels like it's a distraction for something. I'm not not a conspiracy theory or anything. But all this TV is just garbage. And it just 600 fucking channels, you sit there at night, you can't watch a fucking TV show. Yeah, 600 fucking channels, you pay 100 something a month to get entertained. You know, and it's great. I love fucking putting TV on like late night cable. And this is like an old movie on, you know, the other day I watched Death Wish. And that's great. But I pay $100 a fucking month to watch Death Wish. The movie's 80 fucking years old. Once in a while you watch 24 seven with the fucking crazy black dude that smacks his fucking

cousin and the whole thing that, you know, those that family just came out of jail, the black dude with 50 cents talking and money. Okay, you know, I watched that shit. I watched Breaking Bad. I watched Louis CK. I watched Sons of Anarchy. I watched the news in the morning, the weather report, the traffic, you know, I don't even drive half the fucking time I watch the traffic to tell people I call my friends and say, Hey, don't go on the four or five. Why? Just don't go. I'm watching TV. Come talk about your business. Go the other way or cancel the motherfucker. I hate driving. They called me last night at seven o'clock to go to an audition on Fifth Street and Santa Monica between 10 and one. Do you know all the shit I got on my plate today? I'm leaving tomorrow

for Baltimore. Okay. So remember, if you listen to this, the Baltimore Comedy Factory, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 27 to the 29th, then I got to go to the doctor at 10 with my wife. Okay. I got to go to doctor 10. Then from there, I was thinking about buying a fucking car today and getting an old wood. Yeah, that's great. But then from there, I got a one fucking 15 call back in Hollywood, which I don't mind going to the commercial. I got to go fucking trim my fucking wig anyway. Look at this mop. It's getting longer than shit. Then I was going to sit down with you, go over testicle testaments and do the show tonight. No, they call me for a fucking audition. I'm Fifth Street in Santa Monica for some fucking JC Penney shit. And listen, you know what? I love,

by the way, I'm smoking the Vapour Eureka Vapour from NoHo Organics. We're all in fucking heat visit them on Burbank Boulevard. I still got this one. I got the backup tube, this fucking oil on Burm. Sure. Just in case I got to sit here with no lights on for three fucking days. Everybody else is fucking around, walking around. I'm smoking dope like a sergeant. Not just a soldier anymore. No, like a sergeant. Then they find me. They see the fucking clouds and they find Uncle Joey. See if I would have had dough in your fucking dope in Katrina. See if you live in New Orleans, you put a little weed in your sock with a fucking papers and a baggie. That's how I made the swim from Cuba. You would have been on the roof with them smoking. Smoking

like a motherfucker, sending up smoke signals not only with a fucking army, but Indians where they came and got me. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. I'm surprised you didn't just go to the audition to yell at them. Because for people who don't understand, trying to get to Santa Monica at 10 in the morning is murder. Everyone in six lanes that don't move. People, you have no idea. Wherever the fuck you live, you have no idea whether they're still driving their way, especially at thing called the 405. There's 19 lanes, nobody's moving. Everybody's looking around at the mountains. Look how beautiful. It's a beautiful fucking day. Step on the cocksucker. Me, I get in that HOV lane, I take my chances. That's a $300 ticket. That's $460.

And $460 if you cut in without the fucking things. That's $920. I don't give a fuck, plus $100 for court cause, another $50 for the victim compensation fund, another $20 for the blind kid in fucking Pomona that fell off the track. You know, they break you to fucking death with hitting charges. Like the $25 ticket for talking on the phone, that's $25. That's $280 once you fucking get there. You gotta pay for the judge's haircut and nobody's moving. His mother's fucking corn removal. You know, they need dead shit in my fucking life. But then you gotta get down there. It's not just getting down there, it's parking. Then I gotta fucking put 19 fucking quarters in there because these angry black chicks will give you a fucking

ticket. You see those angry black motherfucking women in Santa Monica that give tickets? Angry. Angry. Got six kids. The brother left. They got that fucking corn roll. They got the nails. They go crazy in front of a red lobster. Black people go fucking bananas at red lobster. It used to be Popeyes on a Tuesday or whatever. Scratch that shit. Have you gone to red lobster? No. You go to red lobster on a Friday. You packed with black people dressed to the nines. You think it's a soul train audition. It's fucking amazing, dawg. I love it. I love going to red lobster, looking at the brothers and the sisters. Let me tell you something. You want to date a black chick taking a red lobster, buy one of those foofoo drinks with the pineapples sticking out.

They will suck your dick from here back to the Congo. You'll take that raft and have them blow you right back to Africa. They'll put fucking bones in your ears. You'll be the first black fucking Jew. You'll be the flying black Jew instead of just the flying Jew. With a little brown on your nose. You'll follow me from sticking that fucking nose in your muffler and sniffing that asshole. That's what you need to do. Change your life. Make your eyebrows grow, cock sucker. I don't know about that. Anyway, I want to congratulate one of my other... Listen, man, I'm really fortunate I'm involved with... I don't hang out with nobody the fuck I like. You know, when I first got to LA from 97 to 2005, I didn't hang out with nobody I didn't like,

but I had to be around a bunch of these fucking two-faced motherfuckers. What's made me be a better person the last three years, I don't put up with shit no more. I don't give a fuck. I was looking for a job when I found this one and I suggest for the roast of you motherfuckers to keep that attitude. When you go to work, don't take shit from nobody. You are looking for a fucking job when you found that one. You understand me? Don't put up with that because it'll make you sick to your stomach. It does. You know, you make you sick. The more you sit there and think about it, and part of my addiction, I'm not going to sit here and say to you, oh no, because I snorted because I snorted coke because I like to snort fucking coke, okay? With three fucking hands, I snorted off woman

teddies, assholes, I don't give a fuck. But one of the things that had me the last three or four years of my addiction was living in this fucking dump, not the dump, but the people that had around me, the people that shake your hand, and they giggle. I've avoided those people out of my life, and it's made me a better person for doing it. You know, people say, well, I don't like him, or he don't like me or whatever. I just don't hang out with fucking scumbags. I don't want them around me. I have honor amongst thieves. If somebody stabs somebody and rips their fucking wig off and lights on fire, but he tells me, he looks me to my face and tells me as a man, I'll stick it out with you. I'll do anything. I don't give a fuck. One of my brothers comes up

to me, one of my friends comes up to me, Lou Uly. You get a black chick, she farts in your face. She had broccoli the night before, you were pissed off. If you stab her, you come to me like a man and tell me, I will go all the way with you. I walk up to you till the end. The first time I find out you're lying to me, I will stab you too and dump you in the fucking hole with her, because as friends, you got to be honest with people. These motherfuckers here, you got coconut, I don't have nothing. And then they hook up with a chicken, they had coke all night. I don't want to hang out with those people. So I made a decision in 2006 to stop it and it made my coke to get it off easier because that's what was bothering me. That was around people with that

fucking look on their face with a fake tattoo. I don't need that shit. So I stopped hanging out with these people and I surrounded myself with people that love me and I love them. One particular guy is a Jew by the name of Ari Shafir. I love Ari Shafir. We've been friends. I got a card on my wall that he gave me as a compliment years ago for helping. Ten years ago, it's still on my fucking wall. That card means more to fucking me than anything in the world. Any check I ever got in a movie, because I helped somebody. He was an open micro and I used to talk to him on Sunday night and I used to host. And we became friends. And Ari is a Jew hippie. And I understand Ari because I've grown up with Jew hippies, especially when I lived in Colorado.

But this guy got the number one CD in the country and I can't tell you how proud I am. I talked him into taping his storyteller show so I could have testable testaments on the line and he could have storytellers. So it's a natural thing going. We lock it up. Our goal is to lock up that whole fucking system. All these dead squad guys from Red Band to Ari to Duncan. I didn't talk to Duncan for years. He was involved in a relationship. He wasn't working at the store. Ever since I put Duncan back in my life, my life is better. I have more understanding. I got Joe, I got Duncan, I got Ari, I got you. I got great people and I got fucking Felicia Michaels as a trooper. She's great. We're trying to put a new podcast together with that dirty bitch because I

love the debt. And then Segura is also on iTunes. Segura is on iTunes. We got all these people and guys, I know their heart. When I woke up yesterday and seen Ari's CD was number one. My fucking dick got out. I got tears in my eyes. I called him right away. I'm like, you're number one. This is real Jew fucking love right here. So thank you for supporting Ari and making number one. Thank you for making time Segura number four. Thank you for supporting our testable testaments. Like number 12 or something like that the guy said last night. And thank you for supporting the podcast. This means the world to me and Lee. We're still going through the fucking sponsors. So stop with the fucking emails. Lee does not need a fucking webpage.

So whoever the fuck it is that keeps sending like that. I don't want a fucking webpage. I got Joey Coco Diaz.net. You got t-shirts. You got cups. You got explosives. You got weed. You got pictures of my dick on there. What else do you fucking need? I can't build two fucking web pages and have Facebook, Twitter. I give you my life on fucking Twitter. I write everything. The only thing I don't do is take pictures on Instagram because I fuck that shit. But I give you everything the fuck up now. I got to build another webpage. If we need something, we'll get to you. Okay. Lee comes to me. This kid wants to build a webpage. I got 10 web pages. Go online. Just 10 fucking web. You put anything to do with me. Joey Karate. I don't even want the fucking

Joey Coco Diaz.net. The only reason why I go to it is because Felicia fucking made it for me as a gift. I got the t-shirt on there. Joe Rogan put Stay Black. And if it's not blue cheese, go fuck your mother. The t-shirts are on there. So go on Joey Coco Diaz.net. By the way, people, I had Stephen Avillo call him today. Stephen Avillo is a kid I grew up with. Went to my mother's fucking funeral. This is how long I know Steve. Big music. He's in a band called the Past Masters. They're playing Jersey in Long Island. Steve couldn't call because he's taking his daughter to college today. But I got a guy calling him from Colorado. His name is Mike. I've known Mike since 1983. He was with me for the cocaine explosion when I used to fly to New York with guns and bring fucking coke back.

But he's gonna call in a few minutes here. So we got a bang up when I talk about a new book called American Desperado. And I talked about that guy Steven Grabo. I talked about on the Joe Rogan podcast. I got blown up December 8, 1985. He was playing tennis and he would usually give somebody 10 bucks to start his car and scrape the ice off. That night he got cocky, went out and started the fucking car. Boom. And he died and very interesting. You know, it was really weird as a kid to learn that here I was from New York City, Hudson County, New Jersey. I thought I was big and bad. I went to Aspen, Colorado. I thought it was John Denver walking around with sandals and a bunch of Hindus playing bongos. But no, it was the number one cocaine. I mean, I went into the mouth of the

fucking lion. And I lived in Aspen and Snowmass till November of 1987 when I hightailed it to fuck out. No, November of 1986, I hightailed it to fuck out of Aspen and went back to Boulder. But I couldn't run from my sins because not even a year later I got arrested for the kidnapping. Jesus Christ. You pay for everything on this fucking life. So back to the fucking enemies, those cock suckers. I don't watch that shit. You know, and it's like, you got all these comedians, great comedians sitting at home, rotting from Bobby Slayton to fucking Brody Stevens. What, they can't write a sketch? They could have wrote a sketch 80 times better than that and saved a hundred thousand dollars because they're dealing with egos. The people, I don't like,

well, these fucking people, oh my God, he wrote this eight years ago. That was eight years ago, bitch. Yeah. Maybe who knows calmly knows it's a fucking collaboration. Every Monday on WD, on channel 20, it's a local station here in LA, I watch fucking the honeymooners and I sit there with tears rolling down my eyes because I see what only two writers wrote that. Really? Two light skinned fucking Jews wrote that and Jack and Gleason or Wood and Rehears. And the rest was improvised. The rest was ignored. It was a great cast. And that's how I learned the basis of fucking comedy. You want to watch fucking comedy, watch sampling, son, go online. But now it sucks because some fucking black activist boat bought them and chopped them all up. So he didn't say nigger and

all that shit. Oh, really? Oh my God, there's one episode where he goes to court. Oh, yeah, I heard that, man. Everybody showed it to you. He's like, look at all these niggas nails. Isn't them niggas nail to make a Tarzan movie? Who's that? What's up, buddy? Hey, man, you ready? Yeah, Mike, how are you? Are you fucking ready, cocksucker, talking to me like that bitch? How are you, my friend? I know you're ready. What's up? Always fucking ready, right? Oh my God, Mike, how are you today, my friend? I'm good. What's up is the church of what's happening now. He fucking knows. He knows we've been together for years. Mike, how long do I know you? And it's been since the 80s and I've lost track of you off and on ever since then. Just,

when I think you're out of my life, you're back fucking again. We were kids when we met, weren't we? We were in our 20s and I had, I was house sitting a house in Snowmass Village, Colorado, 435 far away road. That's what it was. What do you remember for those days, Mike? Oh, man, that was first off, you know, Snowmass 10 miles away from Snowmass been a little bit of a different vibe. But when I first met you, Joe, what I remember is I'm working at a pizza place and this is at the little shopping center where all the families come in. Snowmass is where the families came to ski and Joe's running the video rental store in there. And on a Sunday afternoon, I hear scarfates of full volume echoing down the

hallways. You fucking fuck, how you like me now? I'm looking out there and I'm seeing these rich white people looking around with their shopping carts and they're going, what the fuck happened to Snowmass Village? Remember the city market? I used to shop with them there every fucking day. If it wasn't for city market... Go ahead, Joe. Go ahead, I'm sorry. Well, I was going to say that place you were house sitting, that was great. I mean, beautiful home right next to the ski slope. I don't, I still do this day, don't know how you lined up that job of house sitting, but you know, first we're going over there. I'm helping you out, out doing the yard work. We're staying out of the main house. Joe and his girlfriend at the time have a nice little quarters

that they stay in away from the, away from the big house. And then, you know, the shit just kept getting weirder and weirder from there. We had a, that was a huge house, man. Oh, man, it was a great house. It was just far enough back there that we could do whatever we wanted and pretty much not be bothered. But now when the whole guns for cocaine trade started up with you, that's when the shit started getting really crazy. And now you were there for the whole thing, correct? I, you know what? As much as either one of us could remember what happened back then, I was there for a lot of it. And I know that there's some stuff that probably both of us blanked out, but I remember like Joe, he would go to, you know, he's from, he's from Bergen,

he's from back east. He had connections and he had connections here in Aspen and Aspen at the time. And he would fly out, you know, imagine this now that seems really crazy even to say this now, but flying out with guns and trading them from below and coming back. The same day. Yeah, yeah. We would leave at, I would, you guys would drive me to the airport at like eight or the night before, no, I would leave that day. I would go from Aspen to Denver, Denver to Newark. I would have, I'd buy the guns in basalt at a fucking thing with no license. I'd buy nine millimeters for $400 and I'd sell them for seven with bullets and a Miami vice fucking holster. How many guns? I would take 10 back with me at his time, eight, eight guns back with me. And how would you pack

them? I would pack them in my luggage and not say a fucking word, check them in like I own the fucking joints. Jesus Christ. I go, land at 11, go to the kid's house, give them the guns, pick up the blow packet, get back on the fucking plane and be back in Colorado by eight o'clock. And he would be at the airport picking me up. There would be people in Colorado wanting to know, is Joey back? Is he back yet? Is he back? Hey, where is he? But yeah, that old thing there. I mean, it just, it just blows me away back then that A, that you even thought to do it and B, you did it all the time and it was, it was without a hitch. I mean, you know, I saw some of the pistols that I'm looking around and I'm thinking, man, you know, this is taking it up a couple

levels here now that we got guns involved. I mean, it's, it's not like we weren't doing enough shit, you know, as far as the local crime wave goes, but now it's like we're going to spread a little violence back east too. You know, I feel bad for my actions from 83 to 86 and that little market there because they were the nicest, warmest people in the world. And I was just a fucking animal. You know, I have a friend, Felicia Michaels, Mike, and she's the sweetest thing in the world. And every once in a while, I got a reminder, I go, you know, I don't know if you know this, I'm a fucking animal. Like that shit doesn't mean a fucking word to me. I'm not even listening. And those times, I mean, how many nights that we fucking stay up, Mike, how much

blow were we doing? Give these people, I mean, I asked you yesterday, if you were there the night we dumped the four ounces of coke? Because I don't remember dumping four ounces of coke, man. That would have been a hard choice to make. You must have been fucking major worried to dump four ounces of blow. Yeah, by the Crestwood where Carl Hall used to work. We had the condo up there with the scale we had all I had my house, but I had the condo up there with the safe we had the safe with the scale, the guns and the blow up there and we go up there and do blow. Okay. And one night we're doing blow and I could see curtains moving in the building across from me in the paranoia. And there was a fire hydrant. So Carl was from North Carolina. He's kept saying they got

dogs. So I dumped the four ounces of fucking coke. And we find out that that fucking dog was a fire hydrant. And we're sitting there licking the fucking toilet all night, you know, 25,000 in the fucking hole. Because those ounces at those days when I was getting them up there were 1800. The reason why I was making the flight to the West Coast, East Coast, I was getting ounces for $800 clean. Wow. So just for making the trip, I would make 1000 bucks per ounce. But fuck it, why do that? I cut a little cut on that shit. And I was really making money. But we weren't making nothing, Mike, because it was snorting everything. Well, I remember first off, Carl was probably 10 times crazier than anybody else that lived in that area at the time. And that is fucking

saying a lot. That's when Stephen Grebow got blown up by a pipe bomb sitting in his Jeep at the Aspen Club. I mean, crazy was pretty much every fucking day. Everybody there did blow back then. But Carl, Carl was Carl was king on his own. But I can remember sitting over in the house in the big house after one of your trips to the East Coast. And we're sitting there. I don't even know what time it is. And Joey's got all these different piles. And he's like, Now, which is better? A or B? And A or B or C? I felt like Lawrence Taylor was about to fucking jump out of my chest. I'm flattened. My eyes are dilated. I'm looking over at Joey's like adding a little bit into this pile. Adding a little bit into this though. Okay, let's try this again. Now, give me your

honest answer. I fucking couldn't have told anything. I didn't sleep for days for days. Do you remember when I got the cat piss? Remember when I got the coke that tastes like cat piss? And everybody was returning it because it was burning everybody's nostrils out and shit. I kept smelling it like fucking it was nothing. People like, How do you know? Are we all got nasal infections? Yeah, I should have closed down on one of the funniest things I remember is Joey had, you know, I don't think Joey ever had a dog before. So he gets in Colorado and he's like, I'm gonna fucking get my own dog. And he gets a big old German shepherd and he names it Hercules. And so Hercules is staying over in the, you know, the guest department side of this big house. And we're doing

blow left and right. And Hercules is chasing his fucking cow. Click it, click it, click it, click it. We're doing blow. Joe's like, Hercules, stop fucking chasing your tail. That was right back chasing his tail. Sounds like fucking cat dancing on speed or something. So, so they decided to get the dogs and tranquilizers. One night me and my brother go over there to see Joe. And he'd taken the dog tranquilizers and Joey is like passed out on the couch. We're yelling at him. We're up next to his face. Joey, get up. And he's like, Joey, little finger twitches. That's it. Totally fucking out. We're like, Oh man, well, where the fuck's his stash? We couldn't even find his stash. We couldn't wake him up. We couldn't do shit with him the next day. We're like, dude,

we weren't sure if we needed to call the fucking hospital for you or just let you sleep it off. And he's like, Oh man, I ate some of my dog tranquilizers. I did. They were from, remember in those days for Collins, they're still at their veterinary college in Colorado. So the dog, the dog was six months old and 60 pounds. He had grown really quick. I was making a milkshakes. Me and him were making milkshakes. I was hitting the bag and lifting and he grew like really fast and his leg was twisted. So I took him up there and they said, what we'll do is to slow him down a little bit, give him the doggy down. Then we'll do surgery. Those fucking doggy downs were great. I would do a grandma blow, eat one of those doggy downs and I'd be fucking sleeping in an hour.

Fuck it. We don't fuck around though. Open 24, 7. I always talk about Stephen Graybaugh. I brought him up about a year ago on the Rogan podcast and about three days later, I got a twit from his attorney's son, Mike Robuck. Tell some of these people about Steve Graybaugh and what you remember about him. Well, that's right around, I think you'd been up there a little while already, but that's right around when I first got up into that area and everybody knew this guy. This guy had houses and cars and jeeps and everything and basically he was the kingpin of the coke guys in that area, which was great, but also he was kind of the middle stop for the stuff that was coming from Florida and going into California. So even, you know, he was part of kind

of, he was a cog and a bigger machine there too. So everybody knew who this guy was and apparently, you know, he was paranoid. He would like, he would, we would check his vehicle out before he would start it or he would drive a different car every day. So one morning he's at the Aspen club and he gets done and he's in a borrowed Jeep of his friends and it's got a freaking pipe bomb in there and it blows this dude up from the bottom up and he is running out of that thing headed towards the bank, basically bank of snow and he's like intestines are falling out. He's bleeding out on the spot and he got it indicted and the people down in Florida or the people back in Columbia, whoever said, I don't care how much business we've done with this guy, he knows things about us.

Once he got indicted, that was it. They blew his ass up literally. 45 days. Let me read you the, they did an article in the Aspen Times about the drugs up there and this is one of the Grabo case. On January 9th, 1984, the federal agency seized the homes of Grabo and fellow Aspenite John Ranch. The feds also seized 1.4 million cash, wrecked several cars from Grabo and others. Then over the next two years, the agents worked to tighten their case. They're involved in the drug ring and on November 85, all but Grabo pleaded guilty in return for sentencing. According to news accounts, Grabo was killed in December 1985 by a pipe bomb placed in a borrowed car. Yeah, Aspen Club for a tennis match. I remember hearing the

fucking boom. We were in Snowmass Village and we heard the boom and I fucking, the next day, they said, Grabo died and it was funny because you had all these people that had taken over for Grabo, like all these people were now playing. Remember they used to have the Snowmass Club, the thing and they wanted me to be a member, to do coke? For me to deal with these certain people, I had to be a member of the Snowmass Club because they transferred their coke from there. That was part of doing business with Grabo's people. Was that like a yacht club or a country club? It was like a country club and then I became a volunteer fireman. That's the only way I could afford to be a, yeah, but I would get so coked up every time the sirens went off, I wouldn't fucking

volunteer. I'm not volunteering, motherfucker. Fuck you, I'm all fucked up and there's a mattress on fire. What do I give a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Call me when there's a cat in a tree or something in the daytime. So that was the problem. These guys wanted me. I mean, they got really weird because I cut into their action and then they had that member Kiehl's and all those people from Mankato, all those people were involved also. So the best story was when they took the one kid and they put bags over his head and took him down to Woody Creek and they whipped out machine guns and told them they were the new dealers. I mean, we were around, I always talk about Woody Creek. Did you ever go to Woody Creek Tavern, Mike? I did a couple of times and

actually got to get too far off, but I did see Hunter S. Thompson there. Fuck yeah, we all did. I seen Hunter S. Thompson down there with Bill Murray one time. Oh, when he was doing that movie? Yeah, the one world, the Buffalo Room and then another time I seen him with Don Johnson and Glenn Fry. We used to go down there and get weed. Remember Kato? Kato, what was his name? I forget what his real name was. Kato used to get us fucking, go down there and get us weed. They had the nachos with the fucking chorizo in them, tremendous, delicious, like a soldier dog. What else do you remember, Mike, if you could remember anything else from our, I mean, then we hooked up in Boulder because Mike knew my original wife, Mike knew my baby, Mike's been

around for that long. Then we hooked up in Boulder when I was doing comedy, whenever we were eating V's, but every time me and Mike got together, it was always a snow storm and Mike's married. I went to Mike's wedding, right, Mike? We did all these things together. We've been together since 85, so we're going on almost 30 years as friends and Mike came out last year to LA and I met him downtown. We smoked a joint. We went back to the weed store and I came on co-case. Remember that, Mike? Tell these motherfuckers. That was great because I hadn't seen you in a long fucking time and I hadn't seen your comedy act since you started in Boulder. I saw Joe, one of the first times he did comedy, what was that steak place that you were at? The Broker. Were you started out

like you were an MC? Yeah, yeah. We fired the magician. We fired the magician. There was a magician that was a host and I won the Boulder Broker Comedy Competition. They made me the host. And Mike used to come on Tuesday nights because I used to sell valium down there. That's how I got people down there. Promoters put signs and flyers, not me. I'd call people and say, listen, you want to buy coke? The best coke in the world is going to be down there. There was no coke down there. But I'd bring valium down. People come down there, buy the valium and go, where's the coke? It's here coming in 20 minutes. Wait till I finish my comedy routine. They'd say, fuck you, you lied and that was it. That's how I promoted. It's been a long time, Mike. If you could get

people to laugh on Vs and alcohol, you're pretty fucking funny. And when was the last time we partied together in Boulder? I think the last time we partied together, we went to Pearls. And that was the night I seen Kent Vell, the guy I kidnapped. I finally came past the face of my pearls and he was coked up to the gills, right? And I went to give him my hand like, dog, I'm sorry I kidnapped. He was like, no problem. It happens all the time. I go, listen to him. He gave me a grandma blow. He sold me a fucking grandma and a half a blow. Took me in the corner of Pearls and we did a couple of bumps. And that's the last time I see him. Now he's on Facebook and he don't want to fucking talk to me now. Like he forgets. So what I kidnapped you. That was

20 fucking years ago. I thought you were a Christian cop like that. Well, I bet he, I bet he sold you the grab just because he did want to get kidnapped again. But no, that night, you know, good. Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, no, well, I would get what I was going to say is so, you know, the, the shit that's with God was getting them, you know, further and further out of control. Like I was done with drugs at some point. So at some point, I'm rumored with this guy down by the snowmass club. And I don't know what was going on between him and Joey. I'm in my room. I hear the door open. I see Joey coming in with these other guys and Joey looks at me and he goes, Mike, this has got nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with you.

Go back. So I go back in my room. I come out a little while later and the fucking toasters gone, lamps are gone. The blender's gone. All kinds of shit's gone. My roommate comes home. He's like, what the fuck happened? I'm like, I don't know. He's like, what are you here? And I'm like, I don't know anything. I don't know what the beef was. What happened? But Joey just said, he got nothing to do with you. Step back. And he came in there, did his business. So then, like, what is it? Was it three or four years later, I'm working at a store in Boulder, and I got my back to the counter. And I hear somebody say, how's that fucking halibut today? And I'm like, fuck that is Joey Diaz. I didn't even have to turn around. And from there, it was

just back like old times again. You remember that shed you rented that you were lifting weights in? Yeah, and storage unit. Yeah, in Boulder, when I was in the halfway house, I got a, I got a little gym, a garage for $40 a month, $35 a month. And what I would do is I couldn't have weed at the house because I was on probation. So I put it in the garage. And that's why I worked out. That was my little fucking when I was in the halfway house. So I rolled the joint, and I would go there and work out, but only take one hit off the joint and then turn it off because it wouldn't, I didn't want to give hot UA. I can't believe you still remember the fucking gym I had for years. I had that little gym. I remember going there. And I remember this must have been after you were

off probation, but we're like smoking some fucking huge bones. And we're listening to Led Zeppelin and we're lifting weights like we're fucking animals. And I'm thinking, hand, you know, somebody's going to get hurt doing this shit. The other thing I remember is I ran into one of your probation officers. And I don't even know how this came up. But this guy's like, Oh, you know, Joey Diaz. He's like, we knew that guy was pissing nothing but pure vinegar back then to pass the UA. He's like, we knew he was fucking doing it. He's like, nobody pisses that clear, you don't get that clear piss if you take water from the mountains. But we never could call him on it. I fucked him up a lot. I used to drink gallons of water. I used to put fucking by Zena my dick and fucking Drano.

I did everything I could to shut those motherfuckers down. It was Mike, we've been through some fucking crazy shit, man. And every time I see you there, we work together. Remember when we were roofing? Oh my God. So I get out of prison and I'm selling cars and I get married in my in-laws. This is a great story. My in-laws have a roofing company and they're like, you want to come roof? Do you have a friend? And I worked first and I got Mike a job. We're getting 15 an hour, Mike. Tearing off a roof. We were in great shape. We had to tear off a roof every day and put insulation and stone down. We got in great shape. We were darker than shit, but we worked with this old guy and I used to eat granola every day. Mike, take it from there.

Oh, Jim. Jim was a temp guy to start off with. And Joey used to say, Jim, you got fucking cobwebs in the corner of your mouth. He had that white goop in his mouth. He had a cigarette hanging out. And Joey would just torture Jim. But Jim loved it because it was a tension and a beat sitting home watching, you know, Oprah with his wife. So he just fucking loved it. So one day Joey's like, Jim, I'm going to do your favor. I'm going to beat you some fucking brownies. Oh, thanks, Joe. That'll be awesome. You're the best, Joe. Next day after work, Joey's like, hey, Jim, the brownies are in your truck. We're all standing around. We're pretty soon. We're here with Jim. Joey, these aren't fucking brownies, Joe. It's shit in a bag. Shit in like a Ziploc bag.

Shit in his brownies. And squished it in the brownies and gave it to Jim. Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you, Joe. Now, he's so much granola that it looks like a brownie with walnuts. Oh, I'll never forget that, man. We used to drive that truck with a three-speed. Joe, these aren't brownies, bro, but that guy loved us because he was retired. He was fucking retired and he, this was his life. He had like a fat wife and he would come in, he'd be there first, he'd load, and he was 60-something. Was he not? He was strung on the bull and he didn't give a fuck. And we all fucked with him. It was like four Irish guys, me, you, the guy that wanted to be a cop from Jersey, my brother-in-law, the prowler. You know that the prowler has broken

the record for more DUIs in Colorado? He's like the record boy. I think he's had 17 DUIs or some shit. Your ex-brother-in-law? Yeah. The prowler could fucking drink, dawg. The prowler? That was his name. The prowler. He had a wife and a kid. He pissed in the kid one time in his sleep. The kid was in the fucking crib. Okay. And he thought it was the bathroom. He just went under and pissed on his fucking kid. That's when you know you're fucked up. Mike, any closing thoughts, cocksucker? No, man. It's great talking to you. I love the church of what's happening now. I just don't like it on Facebook. I'm going to love it on Facebook. Thanks, man, for letting me talk to you today. Looking forward to hearing more of this stuff down the road. Chris was the guy we robbed,

which is what happened towards the end. Like, when I started selling coke up there, I was making a lot of money. I was getting a thousand bucks per ounce plus selling, cutting it and selling it in little pieces. But I started snorting pretty soon. It just became a snorting sign. So what I was doing was I was snorting, I was making the investments with other people's money. So let's say a quarter kilo of coke was 9,000 bucks in those days. I was getting, I was borrowing money from people and saying, Lee, give me 5,000. I'll give you 7,500 in two days. You can't resist that, Lee. You're going to make 10,000 a month off of me. And I didn't give a fuck because I was playing with your money. Make a difference to me. As soon as I get off the plane, you got your money.

So you paid them? Yeah, I paid everybody. But I started getting too deep and I started not paying people. So it's funny because towards the end, here I am in this fucking terrible place in my life of becoming a cocaine addict with this girl. And Chris comes to me, the owner of the pizza place, who turned out to become a cop. Did he not? He comes to me one day and he's like, a sheriff, I think, a sheriff. He's like, listen, I want to invest in your business. Like I'm looking at this guy like, I can't believe this guy wants to invest in my fucking business. This fucking idiot. Sure enough, he gives me like $5,000 and I snorted every piece of it. And I didn't give him nothing. I left on him, you know, I split town on him. But I had split

town. I owed $40,000 when I split, you know, and I started snorting coke in July of selling coke in July of 86. Correct, Mike? Mike, by August, I had $60,000 under my bed. By November, Thanksgiving that year, I was minus $55,000 just around town. Do you know what that's like going up to you in St. Louis? I owe you $12,000 in cash. And everybody was fronting me money because I was the Pied Piper. So and it's funny because I left there. I left there right before they were going to bust me. I mean, I was a week away from getting busted because a guy got caught stealing an aspirin. I don't know if you were gone by that night. A guy got caught stealing an aspirin and him and his wife turned over and they said they

roll on drug dealers. So they had me on and I didn't know about this. I got in trouble for the kidnapping in fucking Boulder and they showed me the pictures. So you never know who you're doing business with, Mike. But Mike, I love you to all my heart. I'm happy you called today and I'm happy that we're still tight friends after fucking 25 years, you know? A lot of water, a lot of cocaine under this fucking bridge. I know your wife and I know your children and I love you. So don't forget about me, all right? And thank you for being a supporter and thank you for calling on and saying the truth, brother. Hey, man, one last thing that I will say about Joey Diaz and people already know this is that when I met him, he's the first guy that I ever talked about having heart

and I know that that's something you believe strongly in and no matter all the fucked up shit we did back then, I always knew you had heart and I always knew you had my back. All right, man, I love you and I got your back. I got everybody's back to attack my back. So I love you, Mike. Stay black and we'll talk next week. Talk a second. Stay white, America. Bye. Bye. It just hit me that you had a Coke Ponzi scheme. Like that thing that Bernie made off went to jail for? You did with Coke. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. That was, and we were both, I'm 49 now, right? So that was 85. So what is that? That's 25 fucking years ago. I was 24. We were

kids. You're my age. We were fucking babies. I didn't even think of working. I worked at the video store part time. I was selling coke out of the owner didn't even know what I was doing. The owner had no idea what I was doing. It was such a different life. And I'm happy that I lived it. I mean, that was I'm trying to get the other guy that was my roommate at the time, Jimmy Burkle, to call. He's been in the hospital lately. So once he gets out of the hospital, I'm going to have him calling. He's going to tell the stories about us fucking robbing the city market and eating all day off city market. That's how broke we were. This was way before the Coke. This is when I left New Jersey. But anyway, yeah, people still fucking sad. They killed opie people on Sons of Anarchy.

What are you going to do? Three black guys, they fucking hit them in the head with a fucking pipe. Opie went for it though. He went in there like a fucking soldier. Everybody's upset. You know, the funeral was next week. So next, make sure you kill the fucking neighbor's wife next week and eat a pussy before you kill it and put on black because it's sons of fucking anarchy next week. And that's it, brother. We have another fucking great weekly and I'm happy you talked me into doing this podcast. Yeah, great time. You know what I'm saying? What else we got to talk about? We got subscribe to the podcast. Please subscribe. Very important to subscribe. If we're going to make a move and take over these motherfuckers, we need John here because we released another one

this morning. So I didn't know for sure what the fuck was going on. But that's it, brother. Yom Kippur. Don't forget that book. We were talking about Steve Grabo. Mike forgot to talk about it's called American Desperado. It's on Amazon that describes the guy who killed Steve Grabo with the pipe bomb. Very interesting read. I just read a couple of chapters from it. Did Mike write it or just no, no, no, no, no. Mike told me about it yesterday. How fucking he had read the book about Grabo. I've never known that information was out. Oh, it was very interesting, bro. That shit was fucking interesting to be a kid and read about this guy that had taken over up there. But it also showed me a lot about life that no matter how fucking rich you are, whatever,

they're still going to get you, bro. And when you look back at it, you were coming. I mean, stuff you always talk about karma and you got karma when you went to jail. But I mean, you went to jail for a couple of years. I mean, you're lucky you didn't get fucking blown up in your Jeep. Listen, bro, I was, you know, I always, there's a video online of me fucking around with Duncan saying devil worshipers because I know how fast you get involved in something. I know how fast, man. One minute you selling weed or fucking ecstasy and next minute you hang out with a bunch of fucking Arabs and they're talking about 5,000 hits, about 10,000 hits. And when one guy takes his jacket off, you know, he's got a gun in his fucking back. And you just wanted to make a little

money and get your dick sucked and go to bars and try to be half a big shot. But now you got yourself into a different league. And now what are you going to do? You're going to raise your hand? No, you're in it and you get caught up in it. And next thing you know, you're going to knock on your fucking door and see if somebody with a gun or the fucking cops with a gun, they're going to take you away and you're sitting there going, I've seen it coming. I've seen all this coming. How the fuck did I not react to it or whatever? But you can't bro, you just get caught up in the window things and that's the way life is. That's how you learn by getting caught up in something. That's how you learn. Now you look out for a lot more the next time you follow. So when I have my

friend, you know, somebody said to me, I want to be a guest on your show. My show is basically about the people I grew up with. These guests, nobody could get these fucking people because they're the people I grew up with, the people that love me and I love them. I got a lot of people I'm still tight with that won't do the fucking show because they're scared. They really are scared of talking about what they know. When you were talking about your ferrying guns and on the plane, I was like, Oh, God, should Joe be talking about this? But I mean, this is my life. What? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? They're gonna look up the flights and what are you gonna do? I didn't fly under my name in those days. This was way before. You didn't fly under your name. No, you

didn't have to give me a fucking real name. You paid cash at the fucking thing. Oh, you called you're not you called the travel agent. She made the plane ticket for you somewhere else on the fucking Lee boom, boom, the fucking Jew. I go down there pay for cash and they give me the plane ticket under their name. When I got to an airport, I didn't fucking give nowhere in those days. And when these was their way before fucking arrows were blown up planes and all this shit was their medals. No, they'll search you. You put your bags through stuff and that was it. I remember one time I had the eight ounces rolled up in an envelope down my fucking pants. And I took my jacket off. Yeah, it was fucking August. And I have my jacket and I forgot there was weed in there. The guy took

the jacket and felt it up and felt the weed and looked at it and put it back. And you know, I almost got busted for fucking join a fucking tie weed that I want to bring back. Oh my god, tie weed. So that's the things that right there I would have still been doing 20 years for interstate fucking travel. You know, I'm trying to get this one kid to call in. I've let the messages and we've discussed it, you know, talk about a day right there. On the other side that he was the code dealer I was going to. Oh, and he was telling me a story one night that we were so coped out for two days, his boiler blew up. Okay, so for two days, we snored a coke with our fucking jeans rolled up in his house, like we were fucking, you know, fishing. That was boiler water. We're walking

in for two fucking days. How bad is your addiction to be walking around, you know, with the drugs and the and the guns? I go to the airport and just check the fucking guns in. That's it. How you doing? Lisa? Yeah, he go back on the other side, fucking get it. By the time I so I go down and I had a cop also that was selling me confiscated guns. So I was taking I had the I had the best of all the people when you're in that coke, and you're in that fucking thing, you just bump into these people that they know, everybody's looking to make a fucking, you know, in those days, I get your I get your ID, I get your fake fucking, you know, notice this, I get your credit card, I had a friend that ran a bank. And whenever they send credit cards out, they would print two of them and keep

one for them and one for you. So once you activated your card, we started fucking spending. Yeah, we got a month to fucking spend, you know, in the 80s, in the 90s, if you stole a credit card in Jersey and overnighted it to California, it would take a week, because it would only cancel in zones. So zone number one would cancel, which is East Coast, zone number two would be the Midwest, zone number three would be mountain, and zone number four. So if I sent you a card on Monday night, you'd have till Thursday to fucking use it. Life was good. Then computers came, computers ruined fucking everything these cocksuckers gonna say computers ruin everything 20 years later, you wouldn't know when you went to a Chinese restaurant. Okay, so they didn't even run your

card. If it was under $50, they just ran it through this thing. So unless they went through the booklet, looking for fucking six nine six two two two two two two two two two two two two two two at lunchtime, you got 80 people on the fucking line. So they will call under the limit people. Under the limit means they're not going to run the card under $50. You could use that card from not a fucking St. Smidgen's that you could use that to fucking Yom Kippur 2019. They won't know. And it's not like now where you can look at your credit card bill online, you'd have to wait till the end of the month. There was suspicious activity, you get a call those days, but you didn't call your cell phone. So if I was using your car at 10 in the morning, you're fucking,

and I don't have your work number. By the time you get the call at six, I've already had a fucking party. I got my dicks up, I ate some black chick, he farted in my fucking face. You know, so it was a different time. And then I would get off the plane, bring the guns, they have the coke ready. I do a couple of lines, pack the coke up, change outfits, always traveled as a college student with skis. I was always doing so. Change outfits. Come on, change outfits, put a college hat on, see you. So I would go as a college student. Why'd you come? My mom made spaghetti. And I'd fucking go right back and I'd glam in Denver at five. I'd have a layover in Denver. And then I'd fly into Aspen. I'd be in Aspen by eight o'clock. Mike and my ex-wife would

pick me up. We'd go up to Snowmass Village. The coke would already be cut for travel. So by the time I got off the plane, I would cut the coke in Jersey. By the time I got off the plane, it was ready to dispense. So that's what I'm saying to you. As soon as I got off the plane, I'd come and bring you the fucking shit. You give me the five grand you owed me, I'd have Lee's money. So all the money I'd borrow, I'd make investments. People would make investments with me. I did that for years. I never had my own money to buy a big chunk of coke. Yeah, why? So I would always go to Lee and go, Lee, give me $5,000 for three days. I'd give you $7,500. If you do this this week, I'll do it every week with you. That means you're going to make $2,500 a week with me. That's $10,000

a month. Month in and month out. Tax-free. Tax-fucking-free. Guess what? You'll come to me with your fucking mother's money. Yeah. You'll go to your father and go, I got a guy for you to invest, and that's what I had. It was overwhelming. When you pay people that type of thing for two or three days, and my word is good. I'm not going to beat you. I'm going to fucking give you this guy. After later on, when I got coped up, then I had no choice. I had to fucking beat you. You know what I'm saying? My head is like, when you tell these stories, for some reason, I know you were younger, but in my head, I just imagine you now doing it. No. I just realized you were my age flying back and forth. With guns. With guns. For three months. And $60,000 under your bed,

and I don't know why. I'm not proud of it. I just imagined. But I just want to let you know. Yeah, when I was your age, I look at you sometimes. You told me you were 24 that day. I was a 24. This kid doesn't know what I was doing. Holy shit. I had no career. I had no future. I had nothing. I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do. Yeah. You know, thank God at 28, I picked up a hobby named comedy, and the comedy ended up beating the fucking crime shit. Yeah. Thank God, because it's in my blood. Still took today. I got a shop with the lighter at 711. I got to do some, you know, but I control it. The last, you know, ever since I moved to LA, I haven't really knocked on wood. Had a problem. And that's 97. You know, and I pride myself in that because you

got to work hard. You know, it's not fucking easy. I don't put myself in bad positions. Rule number one, if I don't like you, I don't be in the same room with you because I know I'm going to say something. You're going to say something. I'm going to say something. You're going to say something that I'm going to hit you in the head with a fucking chair. And it's all fucking over. So why going? I avoid people. I avoid the comedy store. I avoid any place where I'm going to see drama. I can't even avoid like movies anymore. Like I just get aggravated and people on set. So I mind my business. I learned you learn about yourself. Like I tell people, there's the iPhone and the iPad. Well, there's the eye. There's the eye. And nobody knows better for you than you. What

works and what doesn't fucking work in this life. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Cock, suck the look of the least I had last year. You came in here. You were mumbo and stumbling. I, I, I, I, now you're a fucking producer, junior producer. You got earphones on. Who's better than you? I'm trying. You know, we live and learn every day. And we got to make fucking mistakes. And there's a lot of young guys that watch this show. Keep slaying. Keep believing in yourself. I believed in myself. I fucking knew, you know, when I did comedy, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I believed in myself. I was like Richard Gean, officer of the gentlemen. I had nowhere else to go. You ever see Richard Gean, officer of the gentlemen? No, I was in the academy award

winner. There's a line in there where he asked him, you know, what the fuck? You're a loser. You never, when I watched that movie, that was me at that time. I was just buying time. Everything I did was just buying time. I'll sell Coke for a year. I'm buying time till I get to what the fuck I want to do. And I got locked up. I came out. I started doing comedy. And this took over, you know, doing getting on stage meant more to me than, you know, I got arrested a couple of times. I got arrested in Idaho before a show. Oh yeah, you told me that. For shoplifting a fucking tent. Because I wasn't shoplifting. I would take the tents and just go up to a fucking customer service. I never walked out of the store with anything. You never shop. You just go to customer

services and somebody bought me this. I got no receipt. And they give you an exchange money back. Plus the tax, mother fucker. That's how I roll. So I got caught. They had me on the camera. And they threw me in jail. Plus I had a warrant for smacking to do at a fucking food court one day two weeks early. I didn't go to court. Probably the world record for smacking dudes. No, I got in trouble. I was like, no, I didn't even pants. I hit him with the dish. I was eating, you know, what's that Chinese chain? You know, Panda Express. This is 1995 Panda Express. And some kids had heckled me. I had said something a week before in Idaho Falls. And here I am in this mall eating the two kids a week before. Come up to me like, Hey, you heckled us. We want to go outside and

beat your ass. What were you going to do? You're going to let them walk you outside and beat your ass on the street? Fucking hill, big hillbillies from fucking Idaho, these white dudes. They hate everybody. I'm Cuban. They hate niggas, pigs, and Jews. And I'm Cuban. I fall into that category. So the two guys turned around. The one guy kept looking at me. I took the fucking dish with the fucking egg roll and egg foo young, you know, those noodles they gave me. And I figured, let me break this fucking thing out. Because in the element of surprise is the biggest thing. Yeah, war. They don't expect you to throw a fucking plastic dish at him. But I smacked the guy with the dish. Oh, with just the dish, the dish, the egg roll, the low main, whatever they call them the white rice.

I hit him and he went down. And the other guy and the funny the other guys seen that I hit him and they started running because they're like, he's throwing a low main. Once you start swinging a low main, he's fucking crazy. So the guy got them. I never forget when the cops come, he's still a low man on his ear. He had sprouts stuck in his fucking hair. Only mad flavor could do that. But fuck them. I had to make that because not they're gonna beat me up, dog. You know, it's either do or die. Fuck it. You know, I'm not gonna let three guys beat me up. They would too. Yeah, you know, I'm 29 at the time, 30. I wasn't in no shape to fight fucking three. I was a fat fuck. But I was out of that realm. Yeah, you're not gonna beat up three guys in the mall. Anyway,

we're back, motherfucker. Good morning, everyone who's listening. Good morning. I love you guys for listening. Thank you for listening to our two podcasts this week plus the gambling podcast. We are not going to have one on Sunday. We'll have one next Monday and fucking Wednesday. Another thing, guys, a lot of times people call me and they go, Joey, are you working Sunday? I do not do comedy Sunday. Next week, I'm going to Arizona with Joe Rogan for Friday and Saturday, not only. So please don't get mad at me. It's a personal thing. I like having dinner with my wife. For years, I worked Sunday nights as a comic and I fucking hated it. I couldn't stand getting on stage for these old people. People don't fucking want to laugh or, you know, they won't want to

leave a barbecue. I decided if I ever, ever, and even in 2005, I stopped working Sundays and I get all these people that say, Hey, you're going to be there with Joe next week. I'm gonna be there Friday and Saturday. No fucking Sundays. I'm gonna get Sundays because it's the Lord's Day on the seventh day. God created black motherfucking Sabbath. You found one? And that's any other questions? Uncle Lee, what else is going on? No, people in LA come out to the ice house tonight. Yes. If you're in LA, come out to the ice house tonight. This will be dropped for the weekend. If you're in the Baltimore motherfucking area, Baltimore comedy factory Thursday, Friday and Saturday night, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, gonna be tremendous. Have you been

to Baltimore recently and like the mall they have in the waterfront? No, it's beautiful. It's great. But I have a weird story as a kid. They have like a fudge thing that they do, like they have a little show that they do making it. And I got hit in the head with a paddle of fudge, like a huge metal paddle. So that's like whenever anyone brings up Baltimore. That's all I think about. But it's a great area. Not for nothing. It wasn't traumatizing. You're 200 pounds. You get hit with fudge. That's a good fucking day for you. You know what I'm saying? If you're standing out of light, you know what I'm saying? A ball of fudge comes into your mouth. You're gonna sue somebody. I don't care how fucking Jewish you are. You're gonna sue somebody. No. All right. They're gonna hit

you with fudge. That's your fucking day. Jews love fudge. In the Bible. Don't forget the Ari Shafir album, the return, the revenge of the Holocaust. Don't forget the Tom Segura CD. What's the name of it? White Girls with Cornrows. Yeah. Don't forget Testicle Testaments. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast because we ain't making dick. Lee ain't making nothing. We're doing this for you motherfuckers to have a good time. You know, he's the flying Jew. He needs an envelope soon, cocksuckers. For you people who are hitting us with web pages, we do not need a web page. For you people with the sponsors, give us a couple of days. I got my man, Nathan Utter. He's throwing me some heat out of Cincinnati. He's a Cincinnati red fan. My attorney's looking

over everything. He'll contact you motherfuckers. We're trying to do the best of what we got. Lee, what do you got for me this week, cocksucker? What do you got for me today? Today I started out with Achilles Last Man. One of the best fucking Zeppelin songs ever comes off a presence. I'm gonna close the show with Since I Been Loving You because that's what my music is to you, motherfuckers. But since I've been loving you, my life's been different. We've got the documentary on Amazon. We got the documentary on payloads. All this shit me and Lee have done it because of you, motherfuckers. Blast it, Lee. A little Since I Been Loving You is from Led Zeppelin, fucking three. Are you kidding me or what? Break out the heroin. We'll talk again on Monday.

We're gonna close up with this motherfucker. Bye, guys. Love you, man. Please, baby.