Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #093 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Monday, August 30th..... This episode is brought to you by BlueChew & DraftKings..... Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Use Promo Code: JOEY & Try For Free! Just $5 for Shipping... Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's monday the 30th of august it's almost over but we're still slinging dick with three hands the joint is brought to you by blue chew blue chew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as viagra and sea alice had a fraction of the cost listen blue chew is fantastic you can take it at any time day or not day or night the process is very simple sign up at bluetooth.com talk to one of the licensed medical providers and once you're approved you'll receive your prescription within days you know he's saying joey listen i don't suffer from erectile dysfunction but you also want to bat a fucking thousand right you want to walk home looking like she got hit by a

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park you understand me you want both her eyes to fucking be spinning and add like a fucking when you hit the casino whatever the hell you call it you know what i'm talking about blue chew dot com promo code joey and i'll take care of you when it comes to the bedroom the joint is also brought to you from by from the heart of mother fucking jersey draft kings no more fucking around the nfl is back jack if you like getting paid like a fucking playmate draft king sports book is for you draft king sports book is the official sports betting partner of the nfl giving all new players a hell of an offer you ready for this for the first week which is week fucking 10 i think september 10th is when it starts with two weeks away for the first week you could bet just one

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you place a bet it's taken the money is taken out of your account it's easy it's reliable download the draft king sports book app today and let's make some fucking cash and now it's time time for the joint cock suckers we wasted enough time telling you stories what's happened you bad motherfuckers welcome to uncle joey's joint it's monday the 30th of august we're almost out of this motherfucker on to the fucking fall you have to put your whites of it excuse me there some fucking asshole dust was floating around the fucking and i got it in my goddamn nose here i'm happy you guys made it through another week i had a great week last week i'm sorry uh to my patreon followers last week i had to do the intros a cappello off the phone

i went to fucking pittsburgh i shot for two days then me and the girls went to hershey park if you've never been fucking tremendous just tremendous and the fucking chocolate making was sold out i was because that's what i fucking went there for i must have walked around 14 weight watcher points it was great no complaints at all you know i'm not really a fucking disney guy every time you go to disney you walk you walk you walk and everything you want is on the other fucking side of the thing you know it's one fucking 40 140 dollars so the whole time you're there you like am i getting fucked in the ass i mean what am i doing here in fucking disney it's a it's a fucking rip off you feel like you're getting ripped off last time i went to disney it was me my wife my daughter

eddie bravo his wife his son we did that package i can't tell you how much it fucking cost and you look at it and you go you know what i don't even want to know because it's for the kids anyway it's not about us but disney is just a fucking nightmare the time i went right and thank god they didn't let me in like sometimes people are doing you a fucking favor you're too stupid to fucking know the last time i went to disney we got a hotel room on the disney land fucking whatever me and eddie had conjoining rooms we talked shit all night i fucking went to skip i went to sleep petrified from the conspiracy theories the whole thing was disney still alive you know the fucking deal so uh the next morning we wake up we go to breakfast and we're about to walk into the park

but they have metal fucking detectors right so i walked to the fucking metal detector and the lady goes there's some in the apocalypse yeah my wallet my phone you know she was taking them out and put them in a canister so i put everything a little container like at the airport and you run it through and all of a sudden she goes hold on what is this and it was a fucking chibichu and she goes what is this and i go it's an edible i have a situation i get anxiety and these edibles have controlled me and she started going off on me you're not allowed to bring this into the park walk this back to your room i go okay no problems so i go back to the hotel and i take a bite off the chibichu which is 90 milligrams and i throw the other half away i go i'll come back later i got

like 25 of them upstairs what do i give a fuck so i bit half and i threw it away when i walk back do you know what that lady said to me she goes you didn't go back to your room you just threw it away now i'm not gonna let you in i go what do you mean i'm gonna let me in my daughter everybody was on the other side and i'm you know i'm gonna let me fucking in i go let me talk to your goddamn supervisor here because something ain't right here what do you care weed is legal in california you know the deal i have anxiety and i got to walk for fucking 18 hours you know so finally they all circle me the supervisor comes over we start talking the supervisor fucking goes you know what let them in the goddamn park just let them in what what do you give a fuck and i looked at

and i go you don't get paid enough to give a fuck you know like what's wrong with you what do you give a fuck if i take it's not like i'm taking a fucking case of vodka in there giving out the little fucking kids on ice it's my own little personal edible i gotta tell you something i'm lucky i only ate that half because when we went on it's a small world after all i almost abandoned fucking ship you understand me if i would have had a fucking parachute i would have jumped off that fucking ride i don't know if you've been on it's a small world after you sit down and it picks you up and you go through all these fucking deserts they throw sand at you and shit you know all sudden you're in an ocean you get hit with water you're like what the fuck is going on but it's

tremendous i mean listen the one thing about disney i liked is that it's clean you could see that you listen i'm paying you buck 40 but this place is fucking clean now i don't know there was a fistfight last year coven fucked it up who gives a fuck i had a great time at her she parked it was hotter than fuck this week i mean it was hot jack it was hot the day i was shooting it was hot and i tell you i love to shoot you know every time i shoot a tv show or a movie for one or two days it makes me realize how much i miss that shit i don't want to do 10 weeks on a fucking movie i don't want to be on a location for fucking 13 weeks in the upstate new york and some fucking motel six because they want to be secluded you got to drive an hour to the nearest

fucking hotel that's a four star i don't want to deal with that i just want to zip into the city go to fucking wardrobe throw on my little fucking fat man suit go on the set do my fucking two or three lines because i can't remember anything more than that like those big chunks of acting that those days are done when i get the audition i'm like i can't remember this i got a teleprompter app on my fucking computer and i have to use the teleprompter app and sometimes you speed it up it don't go fast enough sometimes it goes fast enough i try my best i got a good meeting next week this week this week coming up i got a great meeting for a fucking movie they're going to zoom in so i'm very excited about that what i want to talk to you about on a beautiful

fucking monday first of all the joint wants to congratulate michael kline he got engaged over the fucking weekend you know uh i'm very proud of him i take it's just so weird how you look at relationships and i could be strictly honest with you guys i was not ready for a relationship in my 20s i was a fucking loser i've been a fucking loser since i was 16 years old for relationships i mean i started my relationship world by getting left back i fell in love with a girl that would just give me fucking dry humps how retarded am i and i got left to fuck back you know and i'm proud enough to talk about it today like i was ashamed of it for fucking years i was ashamed of it what happens because i was a lot smarter than that but to get fucking left back over no pussy is you

got to be a fucking idiot and that's what i did so when i first started dating like girls and stuff i just kept running into problems i was jealous i was fucking this i was angry i was so every time i dated a girl i had to pull back on something that's the only good thing that when you do something you learn you know i'm saying so yeah part of me wishes i never dated in my 20s but the other part of me i'm glad i did because i learned a lot i learned how to treat women i learned how to act around women but early on i was a fucking jerk off i was a jerk off in relationships i was probably 32 or 33 and even then i had fucking problems you know and that's why before i met terry i was like you know what listen nothing wrong with slinging dick

nothing wrong with eating somebody's asshole on the road that you met you know there's nothing wrong with that it's natural procrastination is a part of life god loves when you fuck he loves it you know god loves it more kids children of god all that shit god loves when you procreate uh i had nothing against that but i knew that i was so much of a fucking loser i didn't want to put a woman through this again and dog i put women through dumb shit like i i just put i didn't give them a heartache i didn't cheat on them nothing like that i just didn't have no sense of calling coming at a certain time you know like not coming sexually i mean like you know coming home at a certain time i mean i didn't have a mother figure you know all through my life

that was like till i was 10 and then my mother died when i was 16 but i didn't really have to answer anybody's what i'm trying to say so it was very tough for me as a as a man it was very tough for me like when the women or anybody asked me what time are you gonna be home my blood pressure goes up 180 over 100 don't ask me what time i'm gonna be home don't i don't fucking know you know i like to tell you 11 but what if i'm driving home and there's a naked woman that just escaped from a fucking cocksucker's anonymous uh rehab you know i'd love to tell you what if i'm driving home and i got a sudden urge to drive diarrhea and i gotta put over to manila pan fucking dine and shit my ass off you know what i don't know so don't ask i could try to be home by a certain

fucking time but don't ask all those things bothered me as a man because i didn't have to deal with it growing up you know it was all fucking new to me you know so when i left bolder like after my divorce i didn't know how to handle a fucking divorce i didn't know how to handle a marriage when i first got married i couldn't handle shit do you understand me i couldn't handle shit and i'm really fucking sorry about this that i couldn't handle anything when i was married i couldn't i didn't know how to communicate i didn't know how to you know i still remember meeting my ex-wife like i was celibate for fucking well it wasn't that i was celibate i couldn't get a piece because i wasn't doing coke and my confidence was low so i wouldn't talk to women you know i knew

how to talk to women when i got coked up that's easier with three drinks in you but once you're fucking sold but you don't know how to fucking talk to women so i didn't fucking talk to to women like you know i didn't i didn't get laid from fuck 84 like mid 84 to like june of 85 i was like on a fucking 11 month uh sabbatical from sex or intimate fucking touching or nothing you know and then i all of a sudden i wanted a fucking role in 85 and i still remember dating my ex-wife and moving with her to san francisco and being alone with her in a whole town room and thinking to myself wow i'm living with a woman like there's no preparation there's no course you could take there's no not nothing i met on august 5th and by august 20th we were

living together in a fucking hotel room in san francisco and then by september 1st we were fucking living in a full time you know those hotels where you have a room in the bathrooms in the hallway and you share it with 20 fucking people you got to walk there with your robe on and with your fucking shaving kit like a jerk off i didn't have a fucking robe i have to walk in the hallway with a towel on they tell me to put a shirt on it was a fucking nightmare but the point i'm trying to make is that i didn't know what i was doing i'm living with a fucking girl this is great she's gonna clean we're gonna have sex whenever i want and i was like an animal like i would come home every afternoon let's let me give you a stab and we'd watch mission impossible at

four o'clock and after mission impossible i give her a fucking stab and if i'm paying rent i gotta get my fucking money's worth like that's how you think when you're a fucking kid and you're a young man you don't fucking know i wish i fucking knew i had no idea and i did the best i could you know i treated like a friend i didn't fucking know you want to smoke a joint you know i would take her out to dinner i mean i didn't fucking know but then the evolution continues you know and now you're you're a couple and then we move back to fucking bolder together and then we started hanging on i got locked up you know it wasn't like a traditional meet somebody in high school go to the prom with them go to college you still date while you're in college and then once you get your degree and i

get my degree we do it the right way and we get a married i didn't do none of that shit that that wasn't in my fucking path i was a quicky type of dude i met you i either like you or i don't like you you know i'm saying if i like you i'll call again if i don't like you i'm not gonna waste your fucking time i'm not in business to fucking use people so when i got married i got i didn't get married for all the right fucking reasons i got married because i knocked somebody up did i love who knows you know we'll see later on you can learn to love somebody that's what i thought no you can't either you love them or you don't fucking love them yeah people grow on you you know i'm saying but you have to have something there to sit around that person every fucking day if not you

you want to stab yourself in the eye every time they talk so i know i do if i didn't like something that couldn't happen around i'm not that tough listen i learned a lesson lesson early on when i was 16 don't use people if you don't don't don't well they got a fast boat you don't want to be that friend well they have good weed who gives the fuck everybody's got good weed you can buy good fucking weed you don't need to fucking be somebody's friend because they have fucking weed you know but when i got married i was totally confused of what a marriage was it just did not work for me guys i mean a lot of you saw me last october and november and december i was fucking shit i was burnt goods i was burnt the fuck out nothing nothing bothers me more than my time when

i was married from fucking september of 89 to october 15th and 1991 we're coming on the anniversary now i'm fucking leaving i was just not happy i mean it was brutal for me i didn't know what you know and looking back at it it was a lot of things it was me getting out of prison and all of a sudden i get out of prison and the next thing you know i'm getting fucking married six months later and i'm having a fucking kid i was over fucking well and something happened to me on the way to the fucking prom when i got married i got married on a saturday afternoon september ninth or no who the fuck no yeah nine nine of 89 whatever the fuck so it was september ninth of 89 check your fucking calendar google that date there was like two great college football games

that day like colorado was playing Nebraska so i was pissed off already like i didn't fucking know i never took that into account that there was a great college fucking football game on the day i was gonna get fucking married you know so i didn't take none of that shit into account i didn't even think about it but when i got married man the wedding was great you know the reception was great and then we had to get a ride to done the Stapleton airport that was the airport then we were headed to san francisco for a honeymoon and i remember we got on a plane was like a 940 flight get you to san francisco like 11 o'clock it was a 940 flight i'll never forget getting on that plane with a you know like just coming back from a wedding you're high on the wedding my friends

were there mike runny was there one of my best friends with my son my best man you know it couldn't have been any better you know i didn't do any coke until the end of the wedding you know at the end because i knew i didn't have to pee till wednesday so i didn't do any coke till yeah i wasn't coming back till like wednesday so the pee day is for the halfway house for the community corrections was monday wednesday and friday so i knew i had a green light i could get high because i was going to come back wednesday but at night time and they weren't able to piss me on thursday we're going to piss me on friday so i already had it figured out in my head so towards the end like about 8 30 was when i did a couple bumps just so nobody would see me coked up just to

you know put a little fucking gin in that indian and i fucking went to the airport we got on the plane we get to the plane there's maybe i like to say 16 of us on the plane and we're fucking spread out and i'll never forget that my wife at the time said to me i got a surprise for you and she she had a skirt on she split her legs open and she had a garter belt and i had sex with her right on the plane like an animal that i was she was like four months pregnant i didn't give a fuck i was coked up i had a couple whiskies in me a couple doers on the rocks i gave her a stab and ran the fucking plane and then she sat by the window looking out the window and i sat in the out seat and i'll never fucking forget that i was like i think i made a mistake when everything

wore off the party wore off the sex wore off and i had a time to think i'm like i think i made a fucking mistake this poor girl thinks that our life is gonna be solved and this poor girl that has no idea that i have no fucking idea i'm a fucking idiot i don't know what's going on here she thinks like we're gonna fucking have a house with a white picket fence and life is gonna be great i can't cover that spread i'm a loser i can't do this shit and i remember like getting off that plane with us going this is not gonna fucking last i didn't say nothing to her but i was i was getting in the way of myself looking back now i remember going to the hotel going to Hertz renting a fucking Nissan 240z you know the fucking two the two seater in the front and the little you know

there's no reason to have a fucking back unless you're a midget with no legs you're not gonna be able to sit back there it's just somebody with no legs that could sit back there there's no room if your seat is all the way back so i went to the 240 you went back to the hotel room as soon as we got back to the hotel room she's like i'm tired sure she's tired she's four months fucking pregnant what the fuck did i expect but joey dears back then couldn't comprehend that like i'm like what do you mean you're fucking tired who gives a fuck to be pregnant let's keep this party alive let's have some sex let's go get some beers she was like fucking i'm not going for it so i was like i'm gonna go downstairs and smoke some pot and maybe go for a ride she's

like fine i fucking ran over to this bar i was just taking i was just spitting in the fucking wind but this is the luck i had back then that's why i'm telling you junkies have all the fucking luck i just took a fire i lived in san francisco in 85 it was now 89 and i had a friend a cuban friend called bamboosie tough motherfucker me and him used to sling drugs and travel his checks and fucking played dice on the in the tenderloin we ran a fucking game he was tremendous me and him used to fucking cash travelers checks you stolen credit cards him and i were like a fucking team him and i and this guy named lazaro lazaro was a fucking trip there was a little older than this if we were in our 20s me and bamboosie lazaro was like 45 but he was a fucking trip so

i just took a chance i remember the bar with bamboosie hung out at and i fucking had to find my way around san francisco i didn't know any street names mason you know all this shit and i remember going to that bar going inside and there's fucking bamboosie it's gotta be midnight and i hadn't seen him in four years i gave him a big fucking hug he was happy to see me we had a drink and rango was who's got an eight ball and he goes i got one let's go give it to me i sat with him till closing time whatever that fucking was he had some girl he was leaving with i had nobody i basically one of my 240zx i went to the hotel parking lot and i just sat there all night snorting the coke figuring how am i gonna get out of this fucking marriage this is bullshit i can't

be fucking married i did the whole fucking eight ball by myself i drank like a bottle of wine there was some fucking individual beers a few wine coolers about seven o'clock i fucking finished drinking i must have jerked off in the car in a bag or whatever when you're fucking coked up and you're a junkie you do the most disgusting fucking things i must have jerked off in my hand like cappuccino style you come right in the palm and then you fucking wipe it on the front of the furniture i must have done one of those i'm not lying to you guys i actually jerked off in the car that's when you do when you do coke by yourself and i went upstairs and i'll never forget that i fucking went upstairs tippy toeed in picked up the sheet got in the bed put the sheet on

and with that eight minutes she turned around looked at me she goes good morning and i'm like good morning to you and i'm like trying to like hide my face because i'm fucking blasted and i reek of alcohol she's like how was your night i go good i went out and i had a few drinks and i just got home i just got a nap for now when i'll be ready for you she's like that's fine i wanted to take a walk around san francisco anyway i'm like i had knocked yourself out and i fucking went to sleep and i felt no remorse i didn't feel bad i was like this is not gonna fucking work but you know eventually i'll fall in love with i didn't know i was i mean i cared for i don't want you people to think i'm a fucking savage with a bone in my nose i cared for her

i loved her in a way but marriage i wasn't fucking ready to be married to anybody i played the game we went to the fucking giant game we did this we went to fucking fisherman's war if we went to guadalajara square and got some chocolate you know the fucking deal but when we got back to boulder it was like this is not gonna fucking work she was more of a roommate than a fucking wife i felt you know in a lot of ways so i played the fucking game you know we uh i think right after i got fucking married i went into such a fucking funk that i started snorting with three hands again and by october i gave my hot at the fucking uh at the halfway out at the community corrections and they actually threw me in the halfway house for a 90 day violation so here's my wife fucking

seven months pregnant and i'm in a fucking halfway house this was a formula for failure i mean we already were fucking failing you know it was rough it was a rough three months i had to apologize to a family but this marriage was just it was just sad and then i was thinking oh well maybe i'll have the kid and that'll change me once i see the kid physically i'll stop snorting coke and i'll get my life together well let me tell you how fucking much that helped she had the baby i got out of the halfway house february second she had the baby february third at like 10 in the morning and i was doing cocaine at seven o'clock february third at my house with my brother-in-law her brother so and then i snorted sunday and you know that genuine cocaine talk this is the last line

i'll do fatherhood is going to change me you know god put a kid in my life so i could stop snorting coke and be a better person you know how much that worked nothing seeing that kid did nothing to me seeing that kid just put more pressure on me made me more fucking scared than what i was and i fucking went overboard but i once i was back in the halfway house i had approved terribly and i made it all the way to level four they had me driving i was like an example fucking inmate invict and i fucking got out of it but here's how fucking weird life is so i get out on friday february second we went to lucille's and bolder i got the fucking bay nets i got the red snapper with three fucking sunny side up eggs and it was a beautiful day it was like cloudy out

the sun was trying to push through i remember i went back to our apartment we lived behind abos pizza and ledesia on 30th street i had been living in such a stressful situation i didn't know you never fucking know till you get out of a stressful situation that i was in a stressful situation so when i got to the house that day we got home about two maybe three o'clock we laid down i fucking passed out i mean i passed out all the way to saturday morning at like six a.m when she woke me up to tell me how water fucking broke she's like my water broke i'm like what the fucking you talking about i knew nothing about waters i knew nothing about bags i knew nothing about babies i knew nothing about nothing she's like my fucking water broke i'm like what do you

want me to do i'm not a doctor she's like we gotta get to the fucking hospital i'm like hospital are you fucking crazy so i'll never forget i go outside to the fucking get the car i i fucking look out the window and this could only happen in colorado there's a foot and a half of snow out from fucking it partially sunny was coming out on fucking saturday till there's a fucking foot and a half of snow on the goddamn floor i'm like what the fuck is this so now i gotta go out there she's yelling she's like oh oh oh and i'm like what the fuck is this and i go outside i fucking shovel i gotta pull the car out i gotta shovel under the fucking car i gotta shovel the cars on the whole time i got the heat i got the fucking sun the blinkers going i pull the fucking car out

i shovel the fucking spot you know i leave a little trail there i pull the car out a little bit more i fucking shovel out the fucking spot and you're not gonna believe what happens while i'm getting back in my car i see a guy turn on to the block and he's coming towards me now i knew the guy he lived not on top of me i didn't talk to him we didn't drink we didn't hang out together he wasn't my friend i just knew he lived upstairs i see him coming towards me i go that's interesting all sudden there were you know you had cones in front of your house you fucking you cleaned out the driveway now it's your parking spot you put the two cones there so i was gonna get in the car to straighten out the car and then put the two cones there open the

door tell my wife the car was ready i put a little patch in the snow so she could walk it was all planned out you know me i don't fuck around what do you think scumbag does coming at me he comes at me and he turns into my parking spot and just pulls in i'm like what the fuck just happened i get out of the car i knock on his car he gets out of the car like dog i don't mean to be a fucking pain he has a rude but i was just out here 30 minutes shoveling when my wife is inside yelling you could hear a fucking yelling a water broke i have to take it to the fucking hospital and i just fucking cleaned this spot out and you're just gonna fucking stroll in here and parking the thing i swear to god guys i just got out of the halfway house i'm trying to get my life

together this motherfucker looks me straight in the face turns around looks at my car and spits at my fucking car and he goes too bad i'm like this did not just fucking happen my life is a fucking game show this did not just fucking happen that this guy spit in my fucking car i just got out of the halfway house my wife is pregnant she's inside fucking yelling you're not gonna believe this fucking story i'm like are you fucking serious he's like it's too fucking bad i'm taking the spot shovel another one you're not gonna leave anyway you're gonna be in the hospital you know what that's true that that's one frame of thought but he didn't say it that way he came out of the car like a fucking jerk off and i wasn't taking it so i fucking choked him we started swinging each other

right there bop bop we started fucking swinging at each other he hit me with two or three good fucking shots to the head i was reaching for fucking air and next thing you know this motherfucker went to grab me he slipped in the snow sorry charlie i got right on top of him i started banging his fucking head off the fucking snow right i'm banging his head off the fucking snow i'm punching him i'm trying to bite him in the fucking hand because he's trying to fucking i'm trying to nibble on his fucking glove his shit and the next thing you know he's pushing my face i'm punching him and you're not gonna believe this two cop cars with their fucking lights on are coming at me and i'm like this ain't fucking happening this is not fucking happening i'm gonna

go right back to fucking jail i'm on top of the guy i'm fucking pounding him he's pushing me here's where it gets better the cops run out of the car and i see it's one of the cops i know i'm like oh thank god maybe he'll cut me a break i'm like what's going on man i'm sorry this fucking guy they go no we're not here for a fight we're here for a complaint of domestic violence i go domestic violence who's domestic violence in anybody it's my fucking neighbor he goes we're not even here for that some somebody complained that they heard a woman yelling that's my wife she's about to have a kid at water just broke and i'm trying to explain the story to them and they're like all right all right well we gotta take care of this what happened here and

i'm like this motherfucker i just shoveled and this motherfucker pulls into my spot and the cops like well listen there's no law i'm like it's not that the way the motherfucker came out of the car he came out with a bad attitude it's not what you say it's how you say it fuck him we're going back and forth the cops like enough already enough he goes listen get your wife in the car we're gonna fucking one car's gonna get behind you one car's gonna get in front of you and we're gonna fucking escort you to the hospital you two fucking idiots shake i thought they went into a circle like a pow wow i thought they were gonna throw me under the jail i just been out fucking 12 hours i'm out 12 fucking hours and i'm going back to fucking jail this ain't happening this is not

fucking happening the next thing you know they come out of the heart on there like listen we're just gonna write this off as a bad day all right i'm like thank god they're like shake hands i'm like listen at this point i'll do anything just to get it to the hospital she's in the fucking doorway uh uh so i'm like fuck this shit i go to put my hand down and this motherfucker goes i ain't shaking his hand the officer my friend walks up to me goes listen we could just get in the car and leave you weren't doing too good when we got here this gorilla was about to fucking level you so what do you want to do the guy shook my hand fucking reluctantly i grabbed my wife and the fucking cops escort us to the fucking airport like nothing the airport the hospital

like nothing fucking happened that that that that's the pre that's fucking six months of our married life i just broke down to you the first six months were fucking horrible then the kid came along i loved that child with all my heart but listen man a kid wasn't gonna change the animal that was the time that just wasn't gonna happen and i'll tell you i had a little bit of fucking depression you couldn't tell like i know looking back now that had a little bit of depression at that time just a little tad you know but at the same fucking time when i had the baby as sad as this is gonna sound my daughter jacklyn that even put me father out there that made me feel even worse than what i did my self-esteem was low i had a hard time being a man

i wasn't gonna be a fucking father how was i even gonna be a fucking father you know and i pushed through it i pushed through it and i had another struggle going on i was being a pussy i should have been on stage the day after i got all fucking out of prison in february of 89 i should have fucking been on stage the next night it was fucking february of 90 and i still wasn't on fucking stage who's the biggest pussy you know uncle joey procrastinated uncle fucking joey i still wouldn't go on fucking stage so i was an unhappy marriage i was not a good fucking father even though i was a good father i don't want you guys to get me wrong i was in i was changing diapers i just felt not up to par like i saw what other dads look like and i saw how they

were acting and i just failed i was just a failure at it you know and to top it off i wasn't living the life i wanted to which is heavy heavy i even i you know one of the reasons mike is here was his fucking hatred for his office job he did not like it he did not like it when you're a musician and you're a free spirit a day job is like a fucking suicide sentence all right i know i know how because i fucking been there i did 30 jobs i didn't want to do i did them to pay the fucking rent or to snort coke or whatever fucking excuse i have but i did all those fucking jobs just to get by they weren't because i was in love with something you don't know what life is to you love your fucking job when you love your job and you're supposed to be there at eight and

you're getting there at seven fifteen that's love when you don't love your job it's a death sentence and you're not living the life you look and even if you go you know what i'm no fucking jimmy page i'm never gonna be in led zeppelin you know what that's okay that's okay there's a restaurant that loves when you come down with an acoustic guitar and you do a couple Beatles songs from eight to nine whatever i don't help i need somebody help not just anybody help you know what i'm saying one thing that i realized as a comic was that you didn't really have to go to LA i don't ever want you to feel like you had to go to LA you could be a comic a musician an artist writing your little fucking pocket of the world i could have stayed in Denver and been just as

happy as i would have gone to LA or Seattle or whatever i wouldn't have been the same comic i probably wouldn't have had the same opportunities but that would have still made me a comic so when i was i was just i'm not fucking happy i just was not there as a as a as a married guy it just didn't work out for me finally in july she did me the biggest favor of my life she overheard me on the phone she knew i was having a tough time at the time i had two fucking jobs i was a roofing estimator i basically went home washed my pussy and fucking went to the comedy club to which had to be a fucking doorman and then i got promoted to a sound guy then i was a bar back then i was doing all three jobs by myself and then i finally had the balls to get on stage and

then you know i mean september of 91 i was so fucking unhappy my ex-wife came to me and she was like listen you got on stage because now i was even unhappier i should have been fucking ecstatic that i got on stage but there was a problem i still had a fucking day job and i'll tell you what that was not a day job i hated i never hated roofing estimating it was easy i enjoyed it but it wasn't what i wanted to do till i was 65 and get a gold watch that's not what i wanted to do that was not oh he was a great roofer yeah here's a gold watch thank you for your 38 years of service you fucking malook thank you for making us eight million dollars with your knowledge you fucking malook you know so i was like that's not what i want to do i want to

fucking do stand up fucking comedy and man i look at my marriage now the first time it just wasn't it was just like pink floyd says and dogs we were just roommates we were just roommates you know i love stand up so fucking much at that time that i was really fucking upset i loved my daughter i love stand up i did not like being married i did not like answering to somebody i just did not like my fucking life but i also knew that my life wasn't miraculously gonna change it just doesn't miraculously change it's like my life now this past year i've had to put in fucking work and journaling and writing and the therapist i've had to put in fucking work at that time i didn't really fucking know what i was doing i just knew i was not fucking happy she even came

to me one day like in september and she's like listen i think you should take a fucking trip i think you need something in that short period of time i started stand up i signed up at Naropa Institute i was treading on the idea of becoming a buddhist you know i mean i was fucked up guys fucked up over this marriage it was not fucking happiness for me but i did not know how to get out of this her parents were really good to me her family was my family and i was stuck i was stuck and didn't even know it i was like those people on the island naked and afraid you ever see those people the fucking it's bad enough being afraid now you're naked that's a real fucking bon burner now people got to see my fucking covid toe i don't need that aggravation

in my life so when i walked in that fucking october 15th and she came to me and she's like hey i'm not happy this is not working i had a euphoric fucking surge go through my body i was like really you cut me out of this prison sentence because it was a fucking prison sentence as far as i'm concerned and i'll tell you what when she packed up her fucking bags and walked out of that door i gotta be honest with you guys i was the happiest fucking man to walk the fucking earth i loved her to a degree and i cared for her i wasn't crazy about her i could live with that i didn't like being with somebody that i wasn't totally heads over heels over i didn't feel adequate as a father even though i stuck it out with her for four years six seven

eight years after that trying to be a father i just knew one thing when that marriage ended that i was not doing this again i was not doing this to myself i was not going to do this to another woman this was never happening again you want to fuck you want to snort some coke you want me to eat your pussy i'm in but i'm not getting in no monogamous situations or anything that was how i felt in 1995 that was exactly how i felt when i some summarized my marriage and what had happened since 1985 when i met my ex-wife i had summarized all that and i came to the conclusion that i'm not good for anybody i'm a fucking loser i'm happy i have comedy i don't have to fucking worry about insurance or phone bills or mortgage i'm gonna get in this car i'm gonna

fucking go on the road and that's what i'm gonna fucking do never again will i weigh down a woman with my bullshit my uh you know stupidity i'm not gonna do this and it's fucked up when you think that way because when you're not looking for somebody is when you find somebody it's like when Vito left the Sopranos and he fucking went up the main and he found that fucking half a fact the cook who committed suicide rest in peace remember they got to an argument and he says to him i wasn't even looking for you you know it's the same thing when you're not when you're not looking for somebody that's when you find somebody you know when i met my fucking wife sorry about that i i was just thinking about it i have to fucking paint the picture for you cocksuckers

you know what i'm saying so yeah yeah i'm like Bob Ross before the operation uh so when i met terry terry had everything i loved in a woman not to mention she was from the south i loved that i heard all these things about southern women and i still remember being with her the first 90 days and like one day i got to a house i was broke and she made me a fucking great lunch for fucking a Cuban beans she she fucking did it up red beans i was so fucking excited but there was still that doubt i had i had a doubt that i'm not gonna make her happy i'm gonna let her down you know in every perspective you know emotionally sexually i'm a fucking fire i'm a dud you know i know this going in that i'm a fucking dud how am i gonna fucking for the first

six months i dated terry i did like her i did have feelings for her i was starting to love her and i didn't want to i was like i'm not gonna hurt this girl i'm gonna stick around here for a couple weeks until she tells me i'm a bum like everybody else and then you know i'll move on i'll find a new girl when i look at terry this week when we went to her she and we were walking in the park and there was one point like me and her connected like synchronized in a way because she was going for a walk and i had a phone call to make and i'm sitting there making this call and i look up in this fucking nathan's hot dogs right and i go holy shit maybe they got a lemonade so i saw these people walking around with a lemonade and i go i walk up and there's no fucking lemonade but i saw

chili dogs i'm like fuck i go for a chili dog but i gotta watch my weight watch the points those chili dogs are a motherfucker so i go awesome my wife texts me she goes run to the umbrella because it was really hot there was a big umbrella where you could sit there and drink something so i walk over and i go we gotta get a lemonade and my wife goes fuck that i'm fucking starving i go holy shit how about a chili dog from nathan's and on the walk over i was like holy fuck me and my wife are synchronized like we ate breakfast together you know she had like a snack she's on noon whatever that diet she's lost like eight pounds she loves it and uh we were both fucking hungry and we both like fucking looked at each other at the same time

and after we had that chili dog we were walking in the park and i'm like i can't believe i've been with this woman for 21 fucking years there was a time when i couldn't be with a woman for 21 minutes like nobody wanted to be next to me i have worked it out with that and i and i still remember being with her at the three-year mark and her asking me what are we doing and me going i don't know and i'm going like you gotta make a move pretty soon and it was like me telling my mother i gotta live back i didn't want to talk to her i didn't want to get married because i knew she would tell me then you gotta go i put that fucking marriage off for nine years nine years i wanted to be absolutely positively sure that i wasn't gonna waste her time

i wasn't gonna waste her life and i could be a good husband i was at the fucking crossroads before i quit drugs because i thought i would never get off drugs and i didn't want to put that on her and then finally i looked at it one day and i go you know what i gotta take a higher fucking road i gotta stop doing drugs because i don't want her to fucking find me and when i did that that's when i knew she was the woman for me after i stopped the drugs i go you know what at the year mark i'll ask her to propose she didn't say nothing so i'm like i'm not gonna fucking propose fuck that i could do this for as long as we could do this i could do this well let me tell you something she went to Tennessee and when she came back after like

four days she went to visit her parents and she went to see her brother's child her brother had a child and when my wife came back she wasn't the same person she just wasn't the same person and i remember i fucking beat around the bush for about three or four months and i was like what am i gonna do she's not gonna fucking stop you know she wasn't even she wasn't even forcing me or nothing i could just tell that she wasn't happy she was a 30-something-year-old woman she was single she wasn't married she didn't have a child we were living in a fucking studio apartment we had no money we had a shitty fucking car i mean our prospects were fucking horrible what was i gonna fucking do and i'll never forget one day i went to a santeria fucking read

with my karate teacher we were talking and he's like there's a woman in your life that isn't really happy but but but but pop and i i knew exactly what he was talking about when i got in the car i did not hesitate i called her father i asked her for a hand in marriage and then i called terry and i go listen we're getting married fucking in two months blah blah blah i talked to your dad we're gonna order a ring tonight i want you to say yes and i knew you know that i was going out on the limb but i knew i do i work a lot better when i got a gun to my head some instances you know what i'm saying some instances i work a lot better with a gun to my head sometimes i don't need a gun to my head but uh i married him i married him and i had no fucking regrets

and now we've been married for 12 years we've been together for 21 and i grew into the man i wanted to become man it's uh it's a weird thing i just wanted mike to know that i had his back i know a lot of you guys out there are thinking about getting engaged or whatever just be prepared just know that this is what you want to do listen man being a husband is not fucking it's the hardest thing i've done because i'm a fucking idiot but you guys are educated you came from well homes you came from good homes you have families you had a little basic education on communicating with people and whatever it's a great thing being married i know for some people doesn't work some people just get turned off by it i was being a fucking jerk off by saying i'm

never gonna be fucking married again because i knew it was bullshit i knew eventually i would find the right person i didn't know who wanted to be with my fucking fat ass but i also knew that i had a lot to offer so when i put the fucking ring on the finger i knew i had a fucking change to be the best man i could be from a to z and at the age of 58 i'm happy to say i'm here i'm i'm fucking is this is the best joey d as you'll ever see right now and i'm looking forward to the next 10 years or 12 years i'm having a great time i'm having a great time and it's it's there's a big difference between being a bad husband and a good husband it's just a little little work that's it just a little bit of work doing things that you're not told to do

you know my my wife never has to tell me to do something i take pride in not having to go joey take the garbage joey can you go grocery shopping joey can you watch mercy you know i already fucking have my day planned out in my head i know what i could do with my daughter and i try to be the best i can and it's the thing i take most pride in yeah i did comedy for 30 years that's great i also was with a woman for 21 years and that's also great that takes a lot of fucking sacrifice commitment and love you know so i don't know if you get married i don't know if you're thinking about getting married but if you're thinking about getting married think about it's not gonna end in divorce that you're gonna be the best man that you could be divorce is for fucking punks trust

me i got divorce and it happens listen you got to kiss a fuck a fuck you got to kiss a couple vampires before you get that queen you know i'm saying nobody meets the first person at the the first time and if you do good luck to you and i'm happy for you but you're gonna have to kiss a couple morons a couple people have bad breath some chick has sperm breath you deal with it and uh you move on but you're gonna find the person for you but when you find that person give it a hundred percent like i said it's it's this much difference my fingers are a quarter of an inch apart right now for you people that are listening not watching it's a quarter of an inch to be a great husband or to be a shitty husband that's it it's that simple it's and it's and when

you're fucking doing great at it you feel great about yourself i feel great about myself for years i was fucking depressed that i failed at marriage it is the basic the most basic thing that we have in our lives think about it it's a relationship hello goodbye i love you i'll stop here you sacrifice you get you know and i failed at it dramatically and i was fucking ashamed i didn't tell nobody i just my excuse was i'll never get married again well no you get married again and you be the best fucking man that you could be that's monday's joint with uncle joey it's the 30th of fucking august i enjoyed myself today i love these little monday ear beatings as you could tell i'm folding back into the old joey dears little by little rom wasn't built in a day but i'm feeling

great about it i'm still doing my better help and i'm still doing my journaling i'm still lifting my weights and it's fucking september motherfuckers so we're 30 days away 31 days away from the many saints of new work we got a lot of surprises for you this month we got some great guests for you this month so sit tight the join is here to blow you the fuck away laughing gas is back in stock motherfuckers so they just got a big shipment on friday i heard it's fucking better than the original hopefully my buddy goes out to la next week and picks me up a couple packages and we'll be back in motherfucking black you understand me but until wednesday i love you cocksuckers i want to congratulate michael kline again i'm getting engaged and i want to thank you

guys for all the support for the fucking great messages for that thing that rogan put up with judy can't see adi and me taking my dick out behind the curtain you guys fucking hit me up a thousand times thank you you know i love making you laugh and that's it cocksuckers i love you have a great fucking monday that's it it's the end of the week or the end of the month the rent is due on wednesday and we'll be back on motherfucking wednesday i love you cocksuckers are all my heart and now for a word from our motherfucking sponsor jack all right you bad motherfuckers i want to thank you for listening to the podcast today i hope that it helps you out with your marriage or any commitments that you're doing and i want to thank you for always having my back i want to congratulate

mike again and like i said in the beginning laughing gas is back in stock at the ice cream parlor in studio city after this shipment we're going to start sending some off to other stores i will keep you guys posted we will write them down on laughing gas at instagram at laughing gas on instagram but before i go from the heart of new jersey deep in fucking jersey the joiner is brought to you by draft kings the nfl is back and you're getting paid like a fucking doctor draft king sports book is the official sports betting partner of the nfl giving all new players a hell of an offer for the first week just bet one dollar on any game and cash 200 dollars in free bets no matter what you heard it right free fucking money at draft kings we're giving all new players

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