Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #097 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Monday, September 13th..... This episode is brought to you by Public Rec, DraftKings & Manscaped..... Go to https://www.PublicRec.com Press JOEY for 10% OFF! Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook Bet $1 & get $200! Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY - PROMO CODE: JOEY 20% Off & FREE WORLDWIDE SHIPPING! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happening you bad motherfuckers. Oh shit. It's going to be a good week. It's Monday, the 13th of September, the joint wants to welcome public wreck. Listen, how many of you guys like to chill out, relax, you know, a little ripped up torn t-shirt, some nice sweat pants, maybe some flip flops, your feet are out, you know what I'm saying? You're showing people how ugly your feet are. When you want to be comfortable and stylish, you got to get public wreck. You're like Joey, what's public wreck? There, an athletic wear that meets leisure. It's a sweat pant that's tailored to fit like a nice pair of trousers. In fact, I got them on right now. Let me tell you something. I put them on last Tuesday because I have a test for sweat pants. I put them on for sleep first and see how I feel around the house. And then I take them out for a day. I wore a pair to my daughter's practice last week. Oh my God, tremendous. And it's made for all sizes. Get the best selling all day, every day pant available in 40 different sizes and it'll fit all kinds of guys. Listen, man, it's nice to look when you used to wear them in high school. You could wear these anywhere to work. Happy hour, the gym, barbecue, the pants they sold me a tremendous little zippers on the side, pockets in the back. Nothing could fall out of your pants. Plus they make shorts, t-shirts, jackets, even golf gear. You look sharp while being comfortable. Listen, I love these sweat pants and you guys know how much I love sweat pants. Public rec rarely gives discounts, but right now they got an exclusive offer just for the joint family. Go to publicrec.com right now. Public rec, one word, R-E-C, impressing Joey to get 10% off the most comfortable sweat pants, warm up pants you'll ever wear. Shorts, t-shirts, jackets, tremendous. That's public rec.

P-U-B-L-I-C rec, R-E-C.com, use promo code Joey to get 10% off. Just do me a favor. Go to publicrec.com and look at the sweats. That's all I want you to do. I don't want you to buy nothing. Just go look at them. See how shiny they are, how tight they feel. And like the man said, they look like trousers, but they feel like sweat pants. They feel like clouds on your nutsack and on your legs. You could sling dick and style and be comfortable with public rec. Go to publicrec.com right now and pressing Joey to get 10% off. You're not going to be sorry. I love these warm up pants. The joint is also brought to you by from the heart of motherfucking New Jersey. DraftKings, week one may be over, but the season is just getting fucking started. Get it on action with DraftKings Sportsbook app, the official sports betting partner of the NFL. For week two, DraftKings is giving new customers $200 and free bets instantly. Just bet $1 on any football game and you're in. Did you fucking momos hear me? If you can't bet the sportsbook in your state, don't worry. DraftKings has huge cash prizes up for grabs all season, along with their daily fantasy contest. Download the DraftKings fantasy right now or DraftKings Sportsbook app. Use promo code Joey to receive a deuce and free bets when you place a dollar on any football game, whether it be college, pro, I'm hooking you up this weekend. That's promo code Joey to get your 200 and free bets, but hold on one second. I got a little disclaimer before you got talking about DraftKings, the official sports betting partner of the NFL. You got to be 21 old New Jersey, Indiana, Pennsylvania only new customers only and restrictions apply. You got to see draftkings.com slash sportsbook for details. Now, if you got a gamber in palm, you got to call 1-800-GAMBLER. If you're in Indiana, it's 1-809 with it. If you got all the fucking everything covered, download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and let's win some Geetus.

We're not fucking around and the action starts on Thursday night. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app, press in code Joey, bet a dollar and get 200 and free bets. Go to DraftKings right now. The joint is also brought to you by one of my all time favorites, Manscaped. Fall is in the air. Listen, you can't be walking around with that fucking afro between your fucking legs and that skunk. If you're an old man like me, your dick looks like a skunk with all that hair around it. Stop it right now. Trim that shit. Women are looking to suck dick and you're still walking around with that stinky fucking nutsack. Bundle up with the Manscaped performance package 4.0. They give you the new lawnmower 4.0. I can give you a bunch of marketing fucking shit, but listen, it's skin safe technology. The bottom line is it protects the fucking nutsack. Even my long balls don't get caught in these gears and the blades are sharp enough to cut through white hairs like fucking butter. Set the length of your trim from 1 to 4. If you want to go old school, you could do that. They even made the light brighter. They added a travel lock and they made it fucking waterproof. So throw that in your weekend bag and be set for any situation. Plus get the weed wacker. Why is your nose looking like a fucking dick with hair coming out of it? Trust me, I got the same fucking problems. There's boogers I find in that fucking nose afro that have been in there since 79. Fuck that shit. And they're gonna throw in the crop preserver and the crop reviver or in the performance package. Who's better than you? Nobody. And the performance package 4.0 is going fucking global. Getting in the USA, Canada, UK, Europe, Australia, South Africa and Singapore. Listen to me. You can't have a good looking dick if you don't fucking shave. Can you imagine if I didn't fucking trim my fucking nut hair with the uncircumcised dick and the scars and all that shit? You don't need that. Make your dick look fucking beautiful. You ever go to a restaurant to presentation? Right? They put like a slice of orange and everything. It's the same thing when you're showing off that fucking cock of debt. It's the presentation. So get 20% off from free worldwide shipping when you go to manscape.com slash joey. Again, that's manscape.com slash joey.

No more stinky fucking ball hairs, cock sucker. Let's do this shit right now. Let's get the joint started. It's fucking Monday. Look what a beast stung me, that cock sucker. Let's do it. Let's do it. What's happened you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 13th of August. We made it. We didn't get attacked. It was a great fucking weekend. You know what I'm saying? People were worried. We were going to get attacked on Saturday. You know, everybody was walking around with a fucking umbrella and shit. You know, what are you going to do? It was 20 years ago. We will fucking make it and never fucking forget. You understand me? That's all you could do. It was a great week last week for starters fucking football is back Jack fucking Dallas covered on Thursday night. You know me. I'm a creepy fuck. I took Tampa Bay plus the 73 from DraftKings, but I love the fucking Dallas. I don't give a fuck. Free money is free money. If you guys didn't take it, go fuck yourselves. You fucked up. But school was back. My daughter's very fucking happy. We had a great week last week. We really fucking did Monday. I don't know what happened Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday were great fucking days around here with her. You know, I had a I couldn't fucking do a lot of shit. So I had to do some shit with her before school. I mean, it was just great. We went to get to the gym. She jumped up and down. And then the weekend came. We practiced on Friday night. It was fucking fun. We were supposed to go to a football game. Me and my wife looked at each other. We're like, fuck that. We were supposed to go to a practice. We're like, it's fucking freezing out here on Friday night. So Saturday we had a full fucking day of games.

She tied the first game and then she lost two games for the All Stars. Direct game she won. But the two games for the All Stars she lost. But it's they got fucking 55 games. I don't give a fuck, you know. And then what else did we do? We came home and this my friends were going to have a football game at 530. The fire department was going to be there that we're going to come up firecrackers as best those the whole fucking thing. And we were like, you know what, man, we've been at a field all fucking day. We're just going to sit home, get some Chinese food and fucking watch Cruella. And it was tremendous. I went while the girls were showering. I flew over and got a little couple of hot fudge Sundays at fucking Carvel. You know what I'm saying? I came back. We sat down like a family and we watched Cruella. And I got to tell you, last week I watched a Disney movie. What was Disney slash Marvel? And this week that watched a Disney movie. And I got to tell you something. I don't give a fuck how old you are. Those Disney movies are just great. The fucking music and Cruella this week. I mean, I was they play the song by Joe Tex. You know Joe Texas. No, you don't trust me. Nobody fucking knows. I know because the song is it's got to be 50 fucking years old. It's called I got you. Uh huh. Huh. It's fucking Joe Tex. When I first came from fucking Cuba, my mom had a bar in Harlem and I met that Jasper Williams, the black dude. And on Saturday nights, that's why African Americans are so talented because why you're jumping up and down, watching football and all that stupidity. They're having talent contest in the projects. I swear to God, we used to have a talent contest every fucking Saturday night, followed by a soul train fucking line of dancing on Saturday night. That's what poor people do. That's why they fucking so advanced the fucking brothers with the dancing and the fucking singing and the talent.

When you look at us, you're like, what the fuck? How did he get so good? He was singing when he was four. Instead of you dumb motherfuckers being at Disneyland. See fucking being poor has his benefits. You know what I'm saying? You motherfuckers jumping up and down at Disneyland. Meanwhile, the Jackson five is living in one room singing. That's all they could do. They didn't have fucking food. We hungry. Sing bitch. Sing. You're fucking hungry. This is Gary Indiana cocksucker. You want to eat a rat. That's all there is to fucking eat here. But it's just interesting that you watch these Disney fucking movies and they're entertaining. I watch an adult movie and I'm like, somebody fucking shoot me already. You know, you watch an adult movie. Sometimes it's like they try so fucking hard to be so fucking witty. And you're like, this blows Disney. I don't even know how to fucking actors like they don't even get like they had the rock in the one and whatever in Cruella. But in fucking the silver rings, I didn't know nobody knew that one dude that was in the sopranos, the old man from sexy freak. That's the only dude. I don't even know if that's the name of the fucking movie. Sexy animals. Sexy beast. Sexy beast. That's the name of the fucking movie. That's the only guy I recognize. And he had a little part. He wasn't one of the stars of the fucking movie. When you have a movie, you have to have stars to draw it in. Disney don't fucking do that. They're great. And then they do fucking 90 million world fucking wide. Then they hit you with by the ways. Oh, we made fucking 200 million in China. We made 300 million Australia. You motherfuckers get paid. No wonder fucking that chick suing you. The black widow. She got pissed off. She's like, bitch, she was just supposed to fucking put in the movie theater. You weren't supposed to stream. And then by the way, tell me, oh, by the way, we made fucking 90 million Hong Kong. Really? What are you fucking nuts or what? I want my end. But now we watch Corella and then football is back. Jimmy Florentine had his fucking weekly little fucking bash. I went over there and said hello. The first week was empty, you know, just a couple of the savages.

And then I went over to Marlboro Day and that was it. That was my fucking day and that was the weekend. A tremendous fucking weekend. No drama. I'm still getting hot and smoking the daytime. No addables. No nothing. I'm feeling better. Anxiety is minimal. Minimal. I between the fuck I'd start and you want me to tell you something? Again, I attributed to the squats and the dead lips. People always said to me, what are you talking about? Listen, I don't give a fuck what's going on with your life. I'm an old fucking man. Years ago I started squatting. Boom. I knocked up my wife. You squat. There's always positive fucking results. You squat first. Like I do my warmup and I put the heavy squats in. I do my warmup on Friday and I do the fucking deadlifts. Wednesday is just a throwaway day. It's cables, it's machines, it's some free weights, maybe some kettlebells, but Mondays and Fridays I alternate the fucking squat and the deadlift to build strength. First you do it because it tones the whole body, not just the legs and it involuntary tones the cock. That's very important when you're over 50, you understand me? You guys are young, enjoy it. You can hit it with a fucking hammer now, light it on fire, but once you're over 50 you struggle with your cock. You're like one of those Indian dudes with the fucking flute with the snake. It's a 50-50 chance. You could be out there all day blowing on that flute and that snake don't come out or you could just give it up and the fucking thing pops up. I got one of those dicks right now, but if I deadlift and squat and do my protein powders and I sleep, it's perfect. The dick works a lot better. Not that I'm giving out stabbings like, you know, fucking China's giving out COVID. I'm just fucking, you know, whatever. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. It's Monday morning. I just want to talk to you guys from the heart. Kate Quigley is home. She's feeling better. I spoke to her. We kept it very light. You know how much I love her and how much I respect her. She, you know, exactly what I said was going to happen. Listen, people died and that's heavy. It's very heavy to open your eyes after you've done a line of coke and see three people on the floor and the chairs or whatever the fuck they were. You know, she's concerned about, you know, the Tylenol, whatever the fuck you call it, Tefanol, whatever, Fetnol, whatever the fuck it is. Fetnol, Tylenol. It's all the fucking same at the end of the week.

You know, but she's doing a lot better. You know, again, right now she just needs to rest. She doesn't have to make a comeback. She said she's got a few weeks off from comedy anyway. So it doesn't matter. She's just going to take the time, rest, do some writing. She released a statement on Twitter and that's it. You know, I'm going to support her. I got her back. It was an accident. You know, it could happen to anybody. You know, it could happen to me. It could happen to you. So before you judge, I read a lot of the things that people wrote. I didn't say anything. You know, a lot of people sent positive stuff and great stuff. A few fucking maggots sent garbage. I didn't even reply to them because they don't fucking matter in the world. You know, right now the world's in a weird place and you're going to be writing shit like that. I can't even, you know, it's not even worth addressing these fucking losers, but she's fine. She's going to be all right. You know, uh, the guy died on Monday, you know, from fentanyl, God rest his soul. The other active fucking guy was a phenomenal acting. It was crazy because he was, he died Monday and Monday night. I did my stuff and when I, after I played the guitar, I came in and my wife was watching the Sopranos and he was on that episode of the Sopranos. We were like, who the fuck died today? My wife's like him. I'm like, yeah, Michael K. So, uh, you know, it's just a bad fucking time for that shit. And you know, what's the answer guys? I read something and I spoke to a friend of mine and what I read and what my friend said were fucking disturbing as fuck to a guy like me. And you guys know I'm a junkie. You guys know I'm not hiding anything. I'm a junkie.

So he's like, you know, it's getting rough out there with this fucking stuff. It seems like now I got to buy a kit to test my shit. What? What? Listen, there's no more testing. There's no testing. When you're doing blow and they're putting fentanyl and blow and you know, listen, it's over. I'm telling you guys right now. I'm an old man. I did it for 29 years. If I was in a room with two people and two of them died from fentanyl and I lived, it's over. And even listen, just even being an innocent bystander, how I am now, I'm an innocent bystander. I was in New Jersey when it went down. The whole thing, you know, some stuff went down in, uh, in Long Island. My heart goes out to their families and whatnot. But the main fucking thing is that even like if I was doing coke today, I'd have to fucking take a look and go. Do I want to do a line of coke and fucking die on the spot? Is it worth it for a line of fucking coke? And let me tell you something. Yeah, you're going to test. This is why I'm saying it's not going to work out for you. If you think you're just going to get a testing kit, listen, they have those things in fucking edibles, some edibles. That's why there's a lot of edibles I don't need. Unless I know the people, I don't need their fucking edibles. What do you mean, Joey? Know the people. I know the company. I know the people who make the products.

I know the people who come out and they stand behind the product and they, you know, it's like Justin from ABX, you know, that guy came to all the fucking shows on Tuesday nights. He would talk, you know, I would, I would not grill him, but I would ask him questions about how they would make those ABX capsules and what makes them stronger. And not one time they say fucking fentanyl. I doubt he would say fucking fentanyl anyway, but you know, you just got to be fucking careful. You know, sometimes you eat something and you feel a little different, a little weird right there. You know what? I'm never going to eat those things again. I don't know if they have fentanyl or not. And I don't have time to take them to the lab when I'm my scientist. When I have a fucking beaker with fucking suits and lights and shit. I don't have that, but I'm not going to get no fucking tester. He was telling me that he had a friend of his. He talked to a friend of his that they're doing a festival for them to have a room to test their drugs. Are you fucking crazy? Once it's time to test three drugs, it's time to give it a breather or just do whatever the fuck work around it.

I would never do a line of coke again after the cake wriggly thing. Just out of respect for Rico fool and Natalie, the three, the three people who died. I would never do a line of coke again. That's why I would base that promise off of to those three. You know what that's like to think you're going to have a good time. That's like going on a roller coaster. The thing flies off the fucking tracks. It's the same fucking thing with fentanyl. You were trying to have a good time. It's not listen. It's not fucking legal, whatever. And this is an argument for a lot of people why they should make drugs legal again. When it comes to heroin and coke, and I don't want to make those fucking things legal. I just don't not right now. Not right now. The world's in too much turmoil to start making those drugs fucking legal. What you have to do is just avoid them. That's it. That's what I would fucking do. That's my fucking story and I'm sticking to it. And I got no reason to lie.

That's it. I would fucking just quit. You know, when I was in LA, I knew for a fact, like I told you guys last week, all those pills that these people got on the Mexico and buying, they think they're being cute. There's fentanyl in them. Who knows who makes these fucking things? Do I trust the Mexicans to have a pharmacist? It could be anybody. It could be a narco. What if he turns around and one extra drop goes into the fucking pill? You don't know these things. Remember, I grew up with the fucking kwayloos things. I grew up when kwayloos were fucking, you know, prominent. They were ecstasy. They were fucking everything rolled up into one kwayloos. And one day fucking they banned them and all of a sudden people started making fucking kwayloos at home. And I've got to tell you something, man, there was a lot of car accidents. A lot of trees got bumped into a lot of people broke their necks on bicycles because like I said, the track, the table was crooked. You know, they would make these kwayloos and the table would be fucking unbalanced. So all the strength from the fucking pills would go down the fucking table and they'd be in these last 20 pills. These 80 pills up here were mediocre fucking strength. So the guy would tell you the kwayloos are great. You would eat a mediocre pill and go, nothing's really happening.

And then eat a three dosa and fucking pass the fuck out. Next thing you know, you're getting fucked in the ass by Cosby. You don't know what the fuck's going on. That's why, because you did a three fucking dosa instead of a regular dosa. So this dose here had enough of a dose, but the real strong stuff went into these 20 pills down here. So when you ate one of these 20 pills, you lost it. And trust me, man, there was a couple nights that I don't have to fucking lie to anybody. I didn't know D, but my eyes went to back of my fucking head. And that's not a good fucking feeling. When somebody tells you next day, dog, I went to wake you up and the eyes went to back of your fucking head. That's not a great fucking feeling. And eventually one day I stopped fucking eating them. And I got to be honest with you, when I was in Aspen, Colorado, I was buying them up there across the street from near that house. And one night I bought a bad batch of those kwayloos and I think that's what made me stop fucking eating them. I remember one night I had to go to the fucking. I think I told this on stage for a while. I was telling this fucking joke on stage for a while. It's not really a joke. It's a story. I was living with my friend Jimmy Burkle. God rest his soul. And it was my first Halloween in Aspen.

And I don't know if you guys know about Aspen. They have a fucking fantastic Halloween. It's a tremendous fucking moor crawl. People get dressed up. They come from all over Colorado. They drive up to Aspen and they walk down fucking the popular street in Aspen. I don't know if it's Galena. I fucking forget now. But, you know, we got all excited. I was fucking 19 years old, maybe 18. Jimmy was maybe 23. We were kids. And we're like, we're going to fucking Aspen tonight. We're going to fucking get dressed up. So we made the decision the Sunday Halloween was on Halloween fell on a weekend. No, not that fucking week. Halloween fell on a Monday night. And we had decided on Sunday we were talking shit outside work on Sundays and in snow mass and 83 we would play fucking flag football down by the golf course. And then after that we would fucking cook. These guys from New Orleans would fucking cook tremendous shit. And then we would go back to their house and watch football. It was a fucking party. So they were talking about it one day.

Like we're going to go up to the moor crawl and me, Jimmy Burkle and my friend Kato were like, yeah, let's fucking go. We'll have a bang up fucking time. The whole thing. The next day I went to work at Aspen Electric. I get home. Kato shows up with these fucking tremendous Quailu from Woody Creek. You could tell they were fucking fugazies because the Rora. That's how you could tell because they were either Rora or lemon. And you could see that the guy who sketched it fucking had like a shaky hand like he didn't have a shot of vodka that day. So the fucking L on the lemon would be a little fucked up and shit, you know. These little, you didn't give a fuck. You didn't give a fucking Quailu was a Quailu. So he shows up with three of those fucking bootleg Quailudes. We fucking hate them. And we said, listen, let's watch the football game because in Colorado, the football game comes out at seven. We go, what are we going to go out at seven? Let's watch the football game at seven. And then like 930, we'll head up to Aspen.

It's only a half hour ride. It'll take us five minutes to get fucking parked. And we could walk around. Jesus Christ. All three of us ate those gorilla biscuits. Next thing you know, we wake up it's midnight. Fuck! We just went down. No alcohol, no nothing. Just a gorilla biscuit. And next thing you know, I woke up at midnight. Jimmy Burkle was snoring. Kato was on the fucking floor, face fucking down, drooling like fucking. What's his name from Narcos? When they woke him up when they raided the pot fucking field and they woke him up and he had foam coming out of his mouth. Tremendous. I woke up with foam on my face many a fucking time. That's when you know you had a good fucking night. So those are the fucking bootleg Quailudes. And I'm like, thank God, I didn't eat this Quailu. It wouldn't go out because I would have just passed out. I would have just passed the fuck out of the barn. Again, somebody could rape you, stick a finger up your ass. You don't need that aggravation on a Quailude.

There used to be people who used to go out just looking for Quailude victims. People that were fucking holding the wall or dropping glasses. But who gives a Frenchman's fuck? Anyway, what I wanted to talk about this week was something very important that I've learned the last year. I learned about it the last year and it was, I learned it the hard way and I learned it the fucking soft way. It was really weird. And today we're going to talk about laughter. How important laughter is, you know? I love North Bergen, New Jersey. I always loved it. I thanked it for my sense of humor. I thanked it for my balls and I thanked North Bergen for what they did for me after my mother died. I was always very grateful to North Bergen for the three things they did for me. When I came back to, when I moved back to Jersey, I thought I would be involved more in North Bergen. And I went up there and it's really rough to drive around. It's a lot of traffic, you know?

But I realized that my friends were gone. And I have friends up there. I have great friends. But the dudes I had come up with, the dudes that made my fucking day were Roger, Stinky, Ferney, Mike Runney, you know? Mike Runney's in Delaware. Roger's dead. God rest his soul. Stinky. He's working and his life's changed. And my other buddy, Ferns, is half retarded. He just, the gambling and the drugs early on just fucked them up. And I don't have those friends anymore. Some of them are alive, but we're just different people now, you know? And that's been the case with a lot of my friends, with different people. And I could understand that, but I'm always very grateful to them because they taught me the gift of laughter. And when a lot of people go to me, dog, you had a rough fucking childhood, you know? How the fuck did you?

Listen, if you knew how much I laughed, you know, and I got to throw Steve Avillo in there. I got to throw a lot of guys in there. My mind was taken over by laughter. I laughed so much. And yeah, at night when the party was over, I would cry myself to sleep because my mother wasn't around. And I was sad and I was living with somebody and my life wasn't what I wanted it to be. But laughter surrounded my life a lot, you know? And I'm not talking about like stand-up comedy or watching movies. That's a big fucking difference. It's not like I turned down a movie and it fucking made my day. I enjoyed movies. I enjoyed going to the movies. But just having people that were funny around me really changed my fucking outlook on things. Like I really fucking helped me. So I have always, as a human being, have turned to laughter, you know?

The last year, you guys mentioned it to me. I mentioned it to you. There wasn't a lot of laughter in my life, you know? Like I just didn't have anything to laugh at. I couldn't focus on laughing. Lately, I've been fucking howling again by myself and that's always a good sign. I have to laugh by myself, you know? Nobody can make me fucking laugh. I have to giggle at a light. Like I'm at a light and I think about Ralphie May falling down on Burke Christ's dollhouse and I fucking laugh. The other day, I was laughing about a friend of mine who threatened me once with a toothpick in his mouth. And while he was threatening me, he did something. The toothpick went into his throat and he almost choked. You know, shit like that. That's my sense of humor, you know?

When the other day, I went to the gym and Anthony, the owner of the gym, has a little office and he was sitting with the guy that referred me to the dentist. I went in there on purpose and I blew a tremendous fart. There's no windows in there or nothing. The guy told me the next day that his contact lens is melted. How bad the farts are. I go in there sometimes, I blow tremendous farts. You know, when you bend over, you have to slam the ball and shit. You have farts that are caught on your ribs and stuff that are a few days old that you have to put into the fucking, into the fucking term pipe to get the party started. So, you know, I love all that shit, but my point is this, you know, I go, I've been, my daughter's been playing softball now for whatever, since March, whatever the fuck, six months. I don't know, seven months. We didn't play in LA. She started playing fucking here. I'm happy that she plays it. Is she fucking Don Clinton? No. Is she fucking the player from the angels, the Japanese guy, Otani? No, you know, she's just a little girl that's learning how to fucking play.

And I enjoy it. I enjoy going to watch her. I enjoy seeing her drop the ball. I've enjoyed watching this journey, you know. But at the practices and at the fucking games, there's always a parent that you could tell he's pistol Pete's fucking father and he drives me fucking crazy. That shit drives me crazy. You know, you want to push a girl or a child away from you. You force them into doing something. Listen, with my daughter, it's whatever the fuck she wants to do. I always look at it and go, listen, if you want to do it the day you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it. You know, I take it a kickboxing now, but there's one day a week they break out those fucking sticks, those tie sticks. I love it. I'm happy that they teach you to that. If anybody who knows martial arts like Hawaiian martial arts, when they teach you Hawaiian martial arts, first they teach you with the sticks. Then it's the knife to shorter your distance and then it's hand to hand. So it's the whole fucking deal, the whole package. You learn different ranges. So I understand, but I always ask after she does that particular class, if you don't want to come to this class no more, you don't have to.

She goes, no, I like it. You know, that's my point. My point is that fucking. I don't want to force her into doing something she doesn't want to do because 20 years from now, she's going to hate me for it. I don't want that. You don't want to do it, don't do it. You don't see me doing none. I don't want to fucking do. I hate doing stuff that I don't want to fucking do. You know, so why would I fucking do it? The first time she tells me, she doesn't want to go to kickboxing. I throw the fucking boxing gloves away. That's it. Are you sure? Do you want me to save the boxing gloves? They hit the bag in the garage? She's doing it? No. Okay, fine. The first time she tells me she doesn't want to play softball, boom, we get rid of the fucking bats. We give the equipment to somebody. I'm not, I'm not the type of guy because I understand how it backfires. I'm the type of motherfucker. I won't do whatever the fuck I don't want to do. I don't give a fuck whose feelings get hurt or who gets pissed off. It's your life. You can't be living your life for somebody to fuck else so they could jump up and down.

I don't have time for that shit. You do that shit when you're a kid. Once you have an adult and you have your own family, you have to fucking your time has to be a little bit. And that's what was, those are the things I took care of when I came from LA, taking care of my time. My time was spread out for people. I had to cancel that. I had to cancel that fucking venue. That venue was canceled. That, that, you know, I was spending three hours a day going back with people that had no interest in what I was doing. They just wanted to take up my time. And one day when I went back to them and said, I'm not doing this anymore, you could hit me all you want on fucking Twitter and Facebook, but don't call my, you know, I don't have time to take away from my daughter when I'm going to call my daughter to talk to you about it. I wanted to talk to you about whatever things you have in your life. I had to really look at my fucking time and adjust my fucking time to me, you know, to make it work for me. A lot of people had a problem with that. I'm fucking sorry. I cannot help you. I have an eight year old. I have a wife and I have responsibilities and I'm a fucking 58 year old man. I don't do what I used to do anymore. You know, I wish I could go eat eight slices of fucking pizza. I can't do that no more. So I fucking don't, you know. So my point is that every fucking week during baseball, I got to sit at a fucking practice with two or three parents that during the game, they get mad.

They're fucking saying shit about the coaches. They're saying shit about fucking the other. Why did they keep swinging at the stuff that they're not supposed to swing at? Douchebag, did you ever think about that? They're eight fucking years old. They're eight and nine years old. Do you think that this fucking matters on their life, what they're doing right now when they're eight or nine years old? You know, my daughter tied the first game and then, and she did good the first game. It was a wreck game. So she had a few hits and shit. She got on. I think she did. She was three for four. She batted three for four during the first game. That's great. But the all star games, she's playing up. She's eight and she's playing with 10 and 11 year olds. So she's not doing too good, but I don't, I don't really give a fuck. She played as a catcher yesterday for three innings and she did sensational. She knew where everything was. She threw somebody out at home. She recovered a bump and stepped on home plate. She threw somebody out at third and she threw a couple people out at first. Very good fucking job. You know, but for me, I want her to do it to have fun. She was out there for fucking six hours playing with her little girlfriend, yelling, singing, we are the whatever mayhem. They stomp, they fucking eat candy. They fucking throw shit. You know, I don't give a fuck if she strikes out all four fucking times. I don't give a fuck if she misses the ball at all fucking times gets hit.

All I want from her is to laugh. That's it. And you can hear them giggling. And I mean, I'm 100 yards away from her in that dugout. I don't sit behind the dugout. I still, on the other side, I want to get a little vitamin D. We have a lot of fucking room there. There's a little awning. You could sit under. You don't have to get sun. So yeah, we were there for six hours yesterday, but three hours. I was in the sun as you could tell by the color. I still got it. You know what I'm saying? You could tell by the color that fucking, you know, I did three hours in the sun and three under the awning, but that's not the point. The point is that she's fucking laughing. And those other girls on the field are fucking laughing. But this parent is like the pitching isn't consistent. It's the fucking first day. It's the first game. And then my wife gets into the conversation. Well, and I had to say something like, whoa, whoa, whoa, time out. You know what? What is this ESPN? I haven't, I didn't see you or you in the 1986 fucking Mets. So until I see you in the 1986 Mets or the 2000, whatever Boston Red Sox won the championship or the fucking Yankees, I advise that you shut your fucking mouth. I hate these fucking people that, you know, what the fuck do you do with your fucking life? And you're sitting there, bad mouth and fucking four guys that coach your little girls probably for free because their daughters around the team sitting out there in the fucking heat for six fucking hours on a fucking,

What do they give those guys? 40 bucks for the fucking day? They're not doing it for the 40 bucks. They do it because they enjoy it. They enjoy being around our daughters. They enjoy fucking the camaraderie and they want to make sure their daughter gets raised right Me? Do I play softball? No. Did I ever play softball organized? I did a couple fucking things about softball. So you're not going to see my fucking Cuban ass giving out orders or telling people how to work out or about that shit. That's not my world. I go there and say, how you doing coach? What's happening? I'm respectful to the fucking coaches. I sit down. I bring my little bottle of water, my little nicotine gums and I fucking mind my business. I chew gum and I fucking drink my fucking water. I don't say anything. Every couple innings I get up. I walk around. I go by Mercy. I check up on her. You know, how you doing? What's going on the fucking dugout? They're like Mercy is that your daddy looks like grandpa from the months. Yeah, that's me. Grandpa from the months and I walked back. I don't, I don't go up done. I remember the rules. There ain't no fucking rules. The rules are have fun. That's the fucking rule. Have fun. Run around the bases, slide, get bit by a mosquito. Look at this. I got bit by a fucking bee yesterday. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I was sitting there. I looked down. The bee was doing his job. I just flung him. He fucking, he fucking flung back. He landed and I lit him on fire. I must have killed six flies at that fucking baseball game yesterday by myself. They would land on my leg. I hit him and I didn't, I was, I was thrown him in the grass at first. But then when I was in the fucking, when I was sitting under the awning, it's concrete. So I was killing the flies and throwing them on the concrete. And then I would take a little wing off and put them there. And put them there and I would throw a little water on them. You know what I'm saying? So they could stay fucking a little dehydrated or hydrated. I don't want my flies to be dehydrated. I made sure they got a suntan. And before I left, I stepped on them and that was the end of the fucking flies.

Four fucking flies kaput. I had three other ones on the other side that I fucking killed and they were fucking kaput. My point is, man, you gotta fucking just laugh. That's it. And that's what I wasn't doing my first year. I was having a hard time laughing. I forgot. I'm the move was overwhelming. You know, I was concerned with COVID, the fucking numbers, the whole fucking deal. And, you know, now I just don't give a fuck. I'm not putting myself in cold video situations. You know, I'm not getting on any fucking planes. I'm just trying to live my life to the best of my fucking ability. I got therapy tomorrow. I got notes for the fucking therapist, you know, I go in there 100%. Now I'm trying to address whatever issues I may have that I have on the fence, you know, something that's bothering me, whatever. And I gotta be honest with you, man. Six months ago, I didn't think I would fucking make it till fucking September. It was just a struggle. I was having a hard time from day to day. But a lot of things happened. That helped me fucking change one of them. I tell you, man, was the therapy. Two was the journaling and three was that new fucking alpha brain, that new black fucking box edition of the alpha brain. That shit is a fucking sizzler. And if you look at me six months ago and what I was talking about behind this microphone and if you judge me by what I'm talking about today, if I was you, I'd get some of that fucking.

If you're feeling how I did, you know, I had some mental health issues and the anxiety, but I couldn't focus. You know, it wasn't like I was depressed. I'm never really depressed, but I kind of was. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I was feeling ho-hum, as they say. Is that what you call it? I'm feeling a little ho-hum. And I changed, you know, the workout a little bit to make it a little bit more strength so my body could utilize protein a little better, you know, so I wanted to do that. You know, guys, I work hard on what I'm trying to fucking accomplish here. I'm one of these guys that I'm kind of happy. Like I'm getting emails from people now, like the word no is a powerful word and people can't comprehend it. Sometimes it took me years to comprehend the word no. And once I started using it more, it's, I understood the word no from the whore perspective, you know, because I'm a fucking whore as a comic. And it's weird now. I feel as if, I feel like I have that aspect on the control. Um, the journaling helped me a lot to read back the notes of what I was feeling, the fucking attack.

You know, I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling anymore. I wasn't doing a couple weeks ago. I did the Patreon podcast and I think that was the, uh, that was the peak of it. I was just not depressed, but I wasn't feeling it. I'm the type of guy that if I don't feel I'm doing you a justice, I don't want to do it anymore. Why are we wasting our fucking time? I don't want to waste your time. I don't want to waste my fucking time. And it's so weird that that's been the, that has been my formula the last year that it's just as I'm about to give up. Boom. I see fucking daylight. You know, it started with the knee, the knee surgery was brutal. There was one weekend where the pain, I was taking a pill. I swear to you guys, I was taking a pill and it wasn't doing anything. My shit was on fucking fire. And I remember that there was a point where I had to eat two fucking pain pills and I remember that two or three hours later, the pain started coming up again. I remember actually called the doctor's office on a fucking Sunday and made it like an emergency call, you know, like when they like, if it's an emergency, the answering service and actually the doctor called me back.

That was the one time he was good. And I was like, dog, this pain is fucking horrible. I cannot take anymore. And he's like, I don't know what to tell you. I said, you know what? Fuck you. And I went, I called a friend of mine and I said, do you have anything stronger for fucking pain? I know he had fallen out of a fucking helicopter or something 20 years ago. I don't know what the fuck happened to this guy. He landed on his head or something. So he said, I got one of those extra strength fucking. I forget what the fuck you call them. I said, I'll take it. And I took that fucking pill and yet it neutralized the pain, but it made me feel even shittier. You know, like I don't do well on pain pills. I was like, this has to end. And the next day I woke up and the pain had dropped fucking 50%. I never established that pain. So it got worse before it got better. As you could tell this week, I'm having a good week. The last three episodes, I've been flowing a little more Sunday, two weeks ago. I had a little fucking breakdown. I was at a party and I was just sitting with talking to people the way I'm talking to you motherfuckers right now. And you know, just sitting and all of a sudden like, wait a second, my stomach don't feel right. And all of a sudden I was like, I think I'm going to pass out. Holy shit. I think I'm going to fart.

And all of a sudden I started closing my eyes. I think I'm going to fucking pass out. I think I'm going to pass out. And I go, I can't pass out here. I'm in fucking the neighbor's house. They're going to fucking never invite me over again. I go, I got to reach for my, I got to figure out a way to get my wife. And before I could go for my wife, I looked up and she was right there. And I clung onto her and she walked me in and I can, I didn't pass out or anything. I sat down, but I felt so fucking shitty that day. Like my arm was sweating from here to here. It was just sweating. Even my wife said I'd never seen something like that. Your arm just sweating like that. I've never seen nobody fucking do it. That was the worst I ever felt. I came home Sunday night and I didn't feel too fucking good. I even told my wife that I'm a little concerned. I might go to the doctor tomorrow. The way I'm feeling, my body feels cut. Boom. I woke up fucking Monday morning feeling tip top fucking Magoo and I felt better the whole fucking week.

So it gets worse before it gets better. That's what I've realized of me this year. That I have like a bad, bad, bad fucking day. And the next day it eases up a little bit. So laughter is the whole fucking thing, man. And for a long time, I don't know what was going on. I wasn't laughing enough. I wasn't hanging out with the wrong right people. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Since when, yeah, you know, when I was a kid and I was hanging out with Ferney and Rod, they were funny fucking people. But I got to be honest with you guys. I've always found the laughter as funny as crazy as the sounds. I've always found the laughter from within. You know, it's, it's when I'm sitting there and I just burst out into fucking tears.

You know, when I think about Ralphie, when I think about Lee puking that night on the mushrooms where he just puked on his shirt and looked at me and he goes, are we at the hospital? And I'm like, no, we're not at the hospital. He kept asking, oh yeah, every, every 15 minutes we were talking, he would go, you're not going to take me to the hospital. Are you? And I'm like, no, I'm not going to take you to the hospital. You know, I was thinking about the night that, like I have tons of material in my head to laugh at, guys. I was thinking about the other night. I said, well, I wasn't thinking about it. I was reminded of it. The other night I was practicing the guitar and then I went on YouTube to watch Eric Clapton play eyesight to the blind with Santana eyesight to the blind. There's no song he did from Tommy with the who fucking Eric Clapton shreds that fucking guitar. But I heard it on the radio with Santana. I was sitting there and I'm like, oh my God, eyesight to the blind.

Very fucking cool. But also I'm like, wow, it must be live cause he sounds like Santana. And then I looked at the radio was on serious. You know, they're the only ones that play that type of music. I looked at the radio and it said Santana and fucking Eric Clapton. I'm like, holy fuck, I was right. So when I came home that night, I put on fucking the video to see it fucking tremendous. But when I was looking for the video, I saw the Paulie toons video of the night that I gave. I'll never forget. I forgot it till I saw it. But once I saw the video, I fucking was dying to laugh the guys. It was one day somebody gave me a 500 milligram brownie. Oh, it was in San Jose. The dudes up there, the fucking, the dudes that sold the gummy bears fucking had a 500 milligram brownie.

And I remember I ate a whole one at the San Jose improv and I had a running get a piece of chicken because I thought I was going to pass out. Because it fucking shot up. It was terrible. It just shot up my anxiety. And I had like 10 minutes before I got on stage and I'm like, holy fuck, I'm going to pass out. So I just ran in the kitchen and told the guy, let me get a fucking chicken sandwich. One of those dead chicken sandwiches, those chickens that haven't been kicked. You know, which ones I'm talking about, the grilled ones, not the fried ones that are kind of fucking good. The grilled ones that they actually put like the magic marker to show you it's been on a grill. But that thing hasn't been on a fucking grill like Burger King. Yeah.

So I'll never forget, I brought the brownies home. And one afternoon I saw Lee. We don't like a one o'clock podcast or something. And we split the fucking brownie. It was a 500 milligram brownie. We split it and we took like a Death Star. Like, who would do something like this? And the next thing you know, he goes fucking home. And, uh, oh shit, that was quick. He goes fucking home and I am fucking high as a kite. I am as high as a Georgia pine and I am sitting there and I'm like, what the fuck is going on with me? So I'm a little lonely, whatever. And I just picked up the phone and I started telling Lee, Lee,

if the cops call, you don't know nothing. And I would just hang up. And then my phone would ring and I wouldn't answer it. It would be Lee calling me back and I wouldn't answer and then he would leave a message. What do you mean if the cops call? And I would wait an hour, every hour on the hour. I would call them at the top of the hour and go, Lee, if the cops call, don't answer the phone and hang up on them. And sure enough, he would call right back. Why are the cops going to call? Tell me, tell me. I'm looking out the window. I can't take it anymore. I did that to him all fucking night till about one in the morning. I kept calling him.

Don't fucking, if the cops call, don't answer the fucking phone. And finally he's like, why not? Why can't I answer the fucking phone? And I'm like, Lee, because I fucking said so. That's why, all right, don't answer the fucking phone. The cops are going to call cocksucker and they kept saying, am I going to go to jail? And I'm like, no, you're not going to go to jail. They just want to ask you a couple questions about sex and rape. He's like, what's going on? The next day I called him. I'm like, Lee, what the fuck is your problem? I'm just goofing on you. You don't know that after all these fucking years and I'm just torturing you to death. Don't answer the phone because the cops, you're fucked. It never fucking ends.

Like I said, man, I have stories in my head that I laugh at all day. When we're writing this fucking book, you know, there's always a story, a serious story in every chapter, but there's always a story that goes along with that story that happened. That's just as fucking funny as any fucking story. I mean, we've discussed it the other day. We're like, every fucking chapter has like a serious story, like my mother dying or something. But then it goes into something else that you're like, what the fuck is he talking about? So I love all this shit. I love, listen, man, just because I'm not doing standup doesn't mean I'm not funny anymore. I still fucking got it like a motherfucker. I was just having some problems.

It was hard for me to communicate. It was really hard for me to fucking communicate. I was having a rough fucking time of it and, you know, getting adjusted to a new medication was rough. There was just a lot of things, you know, the move, the house, there were so many things I overlooked before I moved. I thought I had this, but I didn't have this, you know, and I'm not ashamed to say I didn't have this. You know, we have these things that you're on top of and you have these things that you don't have. And this move, everything that went over with this move, I didn't really have it. I didn't control it. And now I'm in control. Now I feel a lot better. I'm still in the 270 fucking mark. You know, I can't bust the 270, but I don't give a fuck. I'm not looking to go to the Olympics.

I'm not looking to fight in the UFC. I'm not looking to do any of that shit. I'm just looking to be fucking healthy right now, happy to keep doing the podcast, keep your heads together and to keep you motherfuckers happy. That's all I'm looking to fucking do right now. Nothing else. And it bothers me a little bit. Like I'm still like, oh, every fucking week I'm saying to myself, I'm going to do stand-up next week. Every week I say it to myself, I'm going to do stand-up next week. I'm going to do stand-up next week. I still haven't fucking done it. And I don't miss it or anything. One good thing I have done and I feel a lot better since I went back is acupuncture. I went back to fucking acupuncture. It feels great, man.

Some of the needles in my ear hurt the first week. You know, she even told me you're bleeding because I take the baby aspirin. I mean, all I had to do is cut myself and fucking, it's a gash or a fucking blood within the blood tinners and the fucking baby aspirin. Every time I go to dentist, the dentist calls me, don't take your medication. I don't want you bleeding all over this motherfucker. Yeah, the blood that comes out of me is fucking ridiculous. But that's it. And that's that, man. I wanted to touch base with you guys on a beautiful Monday morning. I know the weekend was rough. 9-11 was very fucking rough for a lot of people. Like I told you guys last week, my neighbor was involved in 9-11 and they interviewed him for the documentary on Discovery. He was on in three episodes and I watched two of them and they were very fucking disturbing.

You know, it's very disturbing for anybody. I think about walking down there. You know, one thing about me that people forget is, yeah, I'm a big Jersey guy, but I used to be a big New York City guy. I went to grammar school in New York City. I grew up in New York City. I was around Times Square constantly. I got beat at Three Card Monty. I mean, I did everything in that fucking city. So I fucking knew it. So when it went down, it kind of was a weird feeling because it kind of bothered me because I couldn't help. You couldn't help. I was 2,000 miles away. I couldn't help nobody get into a train. I couldn't help nobody get off a train. You couldn't help me, you know, and now I'm here.

And it was a weird day. You know, I'm happy. I had the baseball games and other things going on. I was going to go to the 9-11. They had a little thing at the wreck yesterday for 9-11 when I got caught up with the games. I was going to go and at least my neighbor's name is Frank Puma, a great fucking guy. You know, I was going to at least go over there and say hello, but I say hello to them every day over here. What do I got to go to the park and say hello to them for? I can just cross the street and say hello to this motherfucker over here. But I know it was rough for a lot of youths this weekend, especially a lot of East Coast people. You know, my heart goes out to you. I went through the same thing, but hey, it was 20 years ago. We're a better America now, regardless of what's going on with vaccines and mandates, you know, and we're on the upswing, man.

I fucking feel it. Numbers are going down a little bit. You know, hopefully by the end, you know, I was really heartbroken because I thought the numbers were going to go up like the way they did in Florida and California. And then we're going to shut the movies and stuff like this. I really wanted to see this premiere and I really wanted to on Patreon. I'm trying to get a movie theater to take some of the people from Patreon on when the soprano movie comes out to many saints. And it looks like it's going to happen. I mean, it's the fucking 13th of a month unless something weird happens in the next 10 or 15 fucking days, which I don't know about, you know, it looks like it's going to happen. So I'm excited that the many saints is going to have a premiere and everything is looking up, guys. So thank you very much for supporting and thank you for having my back the last year.

I know it's been rough, especially after eight years of the church and sticking fingers and assholes and eating stars of debt and people passing out. But listen, we had to make an adjustment. I had to adjust to a new fucking circumstance and I'm really proud that I was able to step up. It took a while, but I'm really proud. I was able to step up and fucking handle my business and shit. The most important thing is football is back. It was great yesterday and that's it. You know, hopefully the numbers will go down and we'll have a decent fucking fall. And my daughters, our children will be able to stay in school without fucking zooms and shit like this. And that's it. And that's that. I love you, motherfuckers. I'm happy we got to start the week off on a good foot and we'll be back motherfucking Wednesday with a guest this time, a little interview for you, motherfuckers.

And that's it. And that's that. It's Monday. I want to keep it short. I don't want to take too much of your time. I know you motherfuckers have other things on your plate, but it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Go out there and fucking tackle it. You know what I'm saying? Don't take life for granted. Look at Kate. She'll tell you don't take life for granted. The biggest, the biggest fucking gains I did in my life, they were the hardest things. It was when my mother died and when I went to prison, but my mother's debt taught me not to take my friends or my family or people around me for granted. And doing that time in prison taught me not to take my life for granted. That you don't want to be behind bars or parents fucked for hours for us to be fucking born and for us to do something good and positive.

It's not sitting in a fucking jail. I rather you sit at home and look at the computer than sit in fucking jail. It's not jail. So once I went to prison, I got the opportunity to never fucking take life for granted. Never take my freedom for granted. I never drunk drunk and drive because you ever fucking try walking to the fucking movie theater. It sucks. You losing your fucking driving privileges. So all these things don't take anything for granted. If there's one thing you learned from Kate last week is don't take life for granted. Save every fucking moment. You don't know when you're going to be hanging out with three of your buddies, smoke a joint and one of them fucking dies. You know what I'm saying? You never fucking know anymore.

Life is a motherfucker. So enjoy it. It's Monday, the 13th of fucking September. I love you cocksuckers with all my heart. Attack this motherfucking day. Don't take life for granted. And at the end of the day, they all suck your dick anyway. I love you cocksuckers. I'll see you next Wednesday. Tip-top Magoo, ready to go. And now for a motherfucking word from our sponsor, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you again for the Monday morning podcast. We covered a couple things. Laughing, happiness, football, nose hairs. I don't fucking know. Anyway, the joint is brought to you by, let me tell you something from the heart of motherfucking New Jersey, DraftKings.

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and all you got to do is one thing. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app. If they don't have gambling in your state, download the DraftKings Fantasy app. They're giving a million dollars away over there and you're sitting there like a fucking moron going, oh, Kansas City's going to win today. Put your money where your mouth is, cock sucker. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app. The official sports betting partner of the NFL. Now I got some fucking little couple of things I got to tell you. You got to be 21 over. You got to be in New Jersey, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Colorado, those states. New customers only and restrictions do apply. You got to see draftkings.com slash sportsbook for details.

Now, if you got a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBA. If you're in Indiana, call 1-800-9 with it. But if everything's okay, download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and let's win some fucking money. Whether it's the Fantasy app or the Sportsbook app, Uncle Joey's coming through for you. The joint would want to welcome public wreck. You know I love my fucking sweatpants. You know I love my balls to be free. And if you want to be comfortable and stylish, you got to get some public wreck. I'm telling you, these fucking sweatpants are tremendous. This is where athletic meets fucking leisure. They're tight. They feel like fucking beautiful trousers. They're light. They got little zippers so you won't fucking, you know, with my other sweats.

When I go to the gym, I put my phone in the pocket and if I'm on the bicycle, the fucking phone falls out. Nah, not with public wreck sweats. Tremendous. It's made for all sizes. Get the best-selling all-day, everyday pant available in 40 different sizes. So it'll fit every type of guy, even me. I got my chubby little legs and my flat ass. I look tremendous in this. I look like Richard Gia in fucking the American Jiggler with this. And my favorite part is the pockets have zippers. I told you that. Nothing could fall out. Plus they make shorts, t-shirts, jackets. They even make golf gear for you fucking golfies.

So look sharp while you play and fucking feel comfortable. Now let me tell you something about public wreck. They rarely give out discounts, but right now they have an exclusive offer just for the joint family. Go to publicwreck.com right now, press and code Joey and get 10% off. What'd you say Joey? Go to publicwreck.com right now, press and code Joey and get 10% off. That's publicwreck.com, promo code Joey to 10% off. You're going to sling dick in comfort and style with public wreck. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. You're going to love these fucking sweatpants, guys.

They are fucking tremendous, comfortable, stylish. People the other day were asking me, where'd you get those? You look like fucking Johnny Bamboom. I'm telling you. Go to publicwreck.com right now, press and code Joey. These are the best 10% I've ever given you. The joint is also brought to you by one of my all time favorites. You know I believe cleanliness is next to godliness. The fall is coming. Pumpkin lattes back to school, Halloween. You don't want to be walking around with stinky balls and hair all over the fucking place.

You want your nutsack to look like that fucking character? No. Stop it. Trim your nutsacks. You know, I'm 58 years old. I walk around with a skunk black and white mix over my fucking uncircumcised dick. When I might want to make it look like a fucking model, I use the new and improved Lomo or 4.0 trimmer. I could give you a bunch of marketing shit, but listen, it's skin safe technology. Bottom line, it protects the fucking nutsack. You want your nutsack licked, you got to keep them fucking trimmed. You understand me? You want your nutsack to smell good.

That's why you got the crop preserver, the anti-shaving ball deodorant, and the crop reviver, the ball toner. Oh my god, it smoothens out your nutsack, your nuts look magnificent. And it's all included in the performance package. And they also have a fucking weed wacker that trim up your nose hair and ear hairs with a 9000 RPM motor. Let me tell you something, I'm knocking Coke rocks out of that. Motherfucker from 1980, sorry about that. I put the ad in the camera. Who gives a fuck? I almost caught on fire. I fucking love it. That's what it's all about.

But Manscape, I'm going to throw all that into the weekend bag and it's called the performance package. Crop preserver, crop reviver, the poor 4.0 and the fucking weed wacker. And the beautiful thing about the performance package, it's now global. You get it in the USA, Canada, UK, Europe, Australia, South Africa, and the Singapore. While you're drinking a Singapore sling after she shuts your nutsack, because they'll be nice and fucking smooth. I love Manscape. You know they're one of my fucking all time favorites. I trim my nuts, I trim the hairs out of my nose, everything with Manscape.com. So do me a favor, I'm going to get you 20% off and free worldwide shipping.

Joey, what are you talking about? 20% off and free worldwide shipping. And you're sitting there with that fucking mess between your fucking legs, you fucking stink bomb. Go to manscape.com right now, slash Joey. I'm giving you 20% off and free worldwide shipping. There's no reason why you should be sitting there with that stink fucking bomb between your legs. Never mind your fucking asshole, you filthy fuck. Download right now, manscape.com, press and Joey.

Get the performance package, you need this. You sit around all day crying that you can't find a woman, you can't find a date because you're a fucking stink bomb. Right now, go to manscape.com, press Joey and get that fucking performance package and cut the shit. You want people to suck your balls? Take care of your balls and keep your balls fresh with manscape.com slash Joey and the performance package. I want to thank Manscape, I want to thank the hell out of public rec and I want to thank DraftKings for putting money in your pocket. I'm trimming your nutsack, I'm putting sweatpants on you and I'm putting money in your fucking pocket. Is there anything else I can't fucking do for you, cock suckers?

I love you, have a great fucking day, enjoy the podcast and stay black, you bad motherfuckers. That's it, take a hike, it's time to fucking go out there and let them know you're not fucking around. Thank you for watching.