Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 10/01/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #12

Starting point is 00:00:00 I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Greetings, Coxuckers. Joey Cocodillas here. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. My man, Lee Syat, the Flying Jew. We got Tony Bennett. I want to be around. I got a respect for my fucking mother on a Monday morning. How are you, Coxuckers, doing the Flying Jew? What the fuck you been? I know, man. It's been like a week. It's fucking weird. I can see you in a week. I see you. See you fucking miss me. They come in with a thousand fucking questions. A thousand questions.

Starting point is 00:00:46 There's that, who, he, ha. You know, smoke some weed, shut your fucking pie hole and get the going. I mean, I've never seen nothing like this. He had more fucking questions. There's more. He found a nickel and shit. You know, I don't need this shit. It was like, it was two questions. Two fucking questions. But I fired in the fucking morning. It's great to be here. I had a great fucking weekend in Baltimore at the comedy factory. Let me tell you something. You know, this is what pisses me to fuck off. A couple months ago, I went on the Rogan podcast, right?

Starting point is 00:01:12 And I was talking about blue cheese and wing and go fuck your mother and people. You know, some people, yeah, it's funny. No, no, I'm old fucking school. I like when I shit traditionalized. You follow me? I like my shit to be how it be. I went over to fucking Maryland this weekend and I ate crab cakes. A crab claw came out of my fucking asshole. I ate so many fucking crab cakes this morning, this weekend. But Lee, they were so fucking delicious.

Starting point is 00:01:36 You know what I'm saying? And you realize it all fucking comes to you. Like how these things should taste. And then when you go around the country, you have all these other impersonations of fucking crab cakes and you're like, what the fuck? I'm not going to eat that no more. I said, you understand what I'm trying to say? Like you might, we might go somewhere here and go get Boston clam shot. That's not the same.

Starting point is 00:01:56 But I don't, I fucking don't know this. I'm a half a fucking woman. Okay, I don't know this. I go over here. It's not bad. Then you take me home to Boston. I haven't, I go, oh my God, why have I been eating that shit all along? This is the way it's supposed to fucking taste like. Exactly. And that's why I'm traditional. I don't give a fuck if you're going to impersonate somebody else's fucking menu.

Starting point is 00:02:15 All I want you to do is put it to traditional, to that fucking menu as it is. I want to serve the best fucking food there is, correct? Hell no way. Hell no fucking A. You want to collect, you want to put down the best fucking meal that there is. Dog, the fucking crab cakes there. I mean, they're lumpy. Oh, the crab meats in them. You know, I go to Red Lobster sometimes on the road. I don't fucking know why, because it's walking distance to the hotel.

Starting point is 00:02:39 Yeah. There's always 22 brothers in there. You know, there's always black people in the fucking Red Lobster. That's what you told me about it. You should bring black girls to the Red Lobster. You bring a black girl to Red Lobster, you get one of those fucking juju drinks with the whipped cream and the fucking straw and the pineapple coming out. What did you do to drink for her? Listen, they will suck your fucking dick till you let your yama pops out of your asshole.

Starting point is 00:02:57 You follow me? But it's just amazing when you go to a certain part of the country, and that's why I say those type of things. I got a fucking duplicate. It's the same. Don't fucking do it. Don't know. We want to put a spin on it. What fucking spin do you put on the fucking Marilyn crab cake? What fucking spin do you put on it? Nothing.

Starting point is 00:03:14 Nothing. Just get the fucking crabs from Marilyn. They go, listen, dog. That night I was farting in my room. You fart in your fucking, then you smell the fart because you don't know what you're reading. You probably passed out. No, it smelled like the ocean. The first time my fart was salty. You ever fucking blow a salty fucking fart?

Starting point is 00:03:30 No. Tremendous. See, you don't fucking... It's even saltier. It's like a margarita. But that's what pisses me off. And I tell you, it was just fucking great. I want to give a shout out to some guy. I'm not going to say fan.

Starting point is 00:03:43 Fuck fan. He's a friend because we all connect here. He drew a fucking picture. Oh, that's amazing. Now, once we change over the fucking outlook and the whole thing, once I'm home for a week or two, his name is Stephen fucking Michael. Stephen Michael. Nice kid. Aloysius.

Starting point is 00:03:58 I like that. Aloysius, illustrator, designer. This motherfucker dropped a poster on me Friday night that put a tear in my eye. You know, usually when somebody gives me something that big, I just leave it in the fucking hotel room. I carried this motherfucker. It was an ounce of heroin on the plane. It was at my side the whole time.

Starting point is 00:04:15 I even argued with some bitch about putting shit in the compartments. That's like the biggest compliment because you don't carry anything. You don't even bring a computer anywhere. No. So the fact that you didn't just like even ship it, like you carried it with you. You carried it with me in the baggie and looked at everybody like, go fuck yourself.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Because I know I'm like, you know, it's a couple weeks ago, we were talking about people giving you weed and stuff like that on the road. And I've always had a great success with, I have an honor amongst thieves. There's a certain honor amongst fucking thieves. And that's just the way life is. I trust a motherfucker that'll come to my house and give me a gun and go, I just shot a motherfucker. He gives me the gun.

Starting point is 00:04:50 He tells me the truth. I trust him more than most of these fucking Republicans and these cocksuckers you see in Hollywood that come up to you and shake your hand. And oh, we love you. I fucked those guys. There's a certain honor amongst thieves. Yeah. And if you don't fucking know that, then you just don't fucking know.

Starting point is 00:05:03 And when you're out and you're doing your thing, and when somebody gives me something like this, I look at it as a, I know how much time they put into the art. I know how much time it takes. Without asking for anything. Without asking for anything. You know, I know how much time you do when you leave here and you go. I know how much time when you edit the fucking documentary, when we did the CD.

Starting point is 00:05:22 You, you, like I said, you might not agree with that person. A political views or religious views or whatever the fuck view you have, but you respect the art. I appreciate you feel the love and the karma fucking monkey Todd. That cop sucked a show. You told me. That sexy motherfucker showed up and gave me a black little death squad cat for stay black. And there's one.

Starting point is 00:05:42 Oh shit. And I'll tell you, I've, it dies. I love for you to tweet me and tweet me something even fat fuck. Let's have a great. I don't care. But when I see you at a show and now I see you, you guys only see me on stage and you only see me talking shit here with fucking Lee. But to see you standing outside and looking at people and talking to people.

Starting point is 00:06:05 It's a different patrol Lee. And when somebody shows up, first time I met fucking monkey Todd and I'm sitting on a chair in Pittsburgh, minding my own business at a club. Nobody said nothing to me. And he walked up to me and gave me a fucking Charles Bronson CD. Oh shit. All right. He added his back pocket and I looked at him and I hugged him and yeah, you know, because

Starting point is 00:06:25 I know from his tweets and his Facebook. Well, he's not really on Facebook, but it's the weirdest fucking thing people and we connect finally. So you said me tweets and we talk online, please note that I'm fucking paying attention to this shit. I see your tweets to see your face is fucking completely different. It really is. And it's huge.

Starting point is 00:06:44 I've been going to comedy shows for a while and a lot of comics will stand by the door with their CD and shake your hand. We did the Ice House Chronicles last week and that one fits about a hundred people around there. Like 90 people sit outside and they talk and you're there, we're there for like two hours. Yeah. So we close it.

Starting point is 00:07:01 And a lot of comics, like I said, are selling merch and thanks for coming to the show. You don't bring anything in. I'm trying to sell anything. You're just saying hi and everyone's so cool. Like I talk to people and they're just so happy and nice and talk and shirts and here's the thing. I listen, we all like making money. I couldn't sell merch when I was coped up.

Starting point is 00:07:18 I needed $40 every fucking night. I could have taken a CD burner and made fucking CDs and, you know, I, I, I love Felipe Esparza because Felipe didn't give a fuck. Felipe had child support and mouths to feed and he needed his fucking reefer thing. So he would burn CDs and sell them outside the improv and Mount Rose. He didn't give a fuck. You know, uh, what's the black guy, uh, don't touch this down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.

Starting point is 00:07:42 What's that? Oh, you're too young. I know the song. Yeah. That's old school. He would take fucking albums and sell them out of the back of his truck. Jimmy Roselli style. Jimmy Roselli was an Italian fucking singer in the fifties and hobo in New Jersey.

Starting point is 00:07:55 He'd pull up with his fucking car and sell albums to the Italians and go, put, close the truck, Jimmy. You know, so I could have done that. I could never sell anything when I was doing blow when I was, I've been getting off stage and fucking Jones and like a motherfucker for people who know what I'm talking about. You're dying to do a line and, and, and it's like all I needed was 40 bucks. I needed 20 just to get the party started, but with 40, it would have been a lot of fucking better.

Starting point is 00:08:21 So, uh, I never could sell nothing. I remember like bringing CDs one time that this company made for me and I would just have them in my hand and people come up to me and go, I remember one time I needed fucking 20 bucks for a grandma blow. I had 20 and I had like five CDs in my hand and some kid came up to me on a date. Like he was with his girlfriend and he's like, Hey man, are those your CDs for sale? And I'm like, yeah, why? And he goes, I'll give you 20 bucks for one.

Starting point is 00:08:45 I'm like, Jesus, I was just going to sell them for 10 and you offered me 20 for one. I just fucking took it and I got in that car. You know, it's funny. I used to do comedy in San Diego all the time. And I would position my fucking car on the five to go north because I knew that the coke dealer would close at one in the fucking morning and that's a two hour drive. And that's a two hour fucking drive, one 30 the latest, this motherfucker will close and the story I'm about to tell you is going to blow your mind.

Starting point is 00:09:11 So I would have two shows in San Diego. And I would take the car, go down there, the car would be empty by the time I got to San Diego. I do the first show and then in between the first and second show, I wouldn't talk to nobody. I get in my car, fill up the top and come back and position the vehicle fucking going north. You know, on the fuck surprise, you didn't have it like I don't pay like the door guy to start it.

Starting point is 00:09:32 I can take care that I ain't no Steve Gray boy, nobody gonna put a bomb in my fucking car. Not yet at least. So I go in. I do the thing. I get off there, bro. Okay. 10 to 12 on the dot.

Starting point is 00:09:44 They didn't pay you there. They'd send you a check. So I would basically walk out and be like, Hey, what are we doing? Hold on. I gotta go out to the car. I would get to that fucking car, start that fucking thing up and up to five. Now it takes normal people, people pay taxes and, you know, they believe that fucking, what's his name?

Starting point is 00:10:03 Milt Romney. He's gonna change the world. Yeah. It takes me two hours and 20 minutes to get from San Diego. Listen, you fucking speed dummy, it would, I could do, I broke my own record. First of all, I did San Diego at one time and an hour 20. Now, did they have, by Camp Pendleton now on the north, they have a little stop thing that sometimes they stop yet?

Starting point is 00:10:25 Did they still have that? They always had that. What you do is you, what you do is you get on the five and you survey the area. It's Saturday, Friday night. It's Saturday, Friday night. You're not gonna have somebody fucking there waiting to do with a Spedama. That's not gonna happen on a Friday, Saturday night. They're out there answering calls, people beating up their wives, people getting stabbed,

Starting point is 00:10:43 people DUIing, so they're doing, so they're not out there. So I would do like 90 and three miles from the fucking, you know, where they stop you to see if you got Mexicans in the trunk and shit, I'd slow down, but I'd look around. You know, when you're passing through, sometimes they still hold you and they go like this, right? Sometimes they stop you and sometimes they just go like this. I would do 60 through them and they'd stop you. As soon as I looked at it, right?

Starting point is 00:11:05 If I didn't see those state patrol cars pointed north with me, right from there. There's no stop till fucking Irvine. It's 90 to 100 all the way to Irvine. The Irvine, you slow down again. Okay. You slow down again. Once you pass Irvine Mall, the next stop when you see Los Angeles, 19 fucking miles. Okay.

Starting point is 00:11:26 Again, you fucking slow it down there and now you pass the Commerce Casino. Oh yeah? A lot of Asians going there to play cards. It's all Asians. So, don't worry about it. I just run right to the fucking up to the 101. I cut people off and go right to the fucking Black Dice House and get my blow. At that time, I had a Black dealer, a Mexican dealer, and a white guy on those particular

Starting point is 00:11:45 nights. It was El Compadre. It'd be too many people, 130. I didn't want to walk out and let all these people see me going in and buying blow. You got to watch. Oh shit. You know how we do it. So, you did 100 miles in like 60 minutes.

Starting point is 00:11:55 That's unbelievable. I could do. In those days, I could do. It was 102 miles. That's on paper. That's on fucking paper. You drive to San Diego, you drive a fucking hour, and all of a sudden there's a thing that says 74 fucking miles, and you're like, what the fuck am I going to do?

Starting point is 00:12:07 So, something's not right on that truth. Just get my fucking, the thing was, just step on the fucking gas anyway, step on the gas and go. You know what I'm saying? I used to do that. I used to beat that dealer every fucking night, because he was my favorite dealer, and I could fuck with his head and shit like that. I go over there and tell him I own 20, I give him 80 tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:12:27 One time I went over there, and I fucking, one time I went over, I had to beat the fucking beat. During the week, Sunday through Thursday, he was cut off date, it would be 1 AM, and he was fucking serious. You know what I'm saying? So, I remember one night, I mugged this chick, I picked her up at the lab factory, I ain't a kid, you know what I'm saying? I just went to try to get my dick sucked, and we went to the liquor store together, and

Starting point is 00:12:47 this bitch had a nougat full of fucking hundreds and shit, and my dick bitch is going down. She gets in a car, she's trying to push, let's go here and party here, I go to Monday night. Let's go back to your fucking hotel. I'm Monday night. If we were back to a hotel, she wouldn't bust, she wouldn't let me eat that monkey. I couldn't figure out how to fucking rob her. My plan was to get her pants off, and while I was eating, a monkey picked pocket, I fucking do, don't rate me, and I'm down there, this chick's monkey smelled and tasted so bad, it

Starting point is 00:13:14 was like sour fucking milk, and it stunk a little bit. Like over the noodle. I thought you liked that. I liked the certain stink over the noodle, like she ran a mile or two, I just don't like that fucking tzatziki fuck. It smells like a gyro around the pussy, and then you open it up and taste sour, like she's pissed and fucking sour milk, but you do what you do, you know what I'm saying, you gotta mug somebody, you gotta eat that monkey, you gotta do what you do.

Starting point is 00:13:36 I have this image of you seeing that, and in the movies when it slows down, you see like a roll of hundreds, like the music starts, and you're just like, oh god. But then she covered the hundreds in a Jewish bankroll, she put hundreds, and she took singles and put them over them to fuck with my head, you know what I'm saying, so I'm eating this fucking monkey. So every like 10 minutes we get into it, she pop up and go, she's not my boyfriend. Oh, it feels so horrible, and I'd have to talk her back in. She put her pants on, I'd have to rub her back and tell her it was gonna be okay, and

Starting point is 00:14:08 then she fucking went for it the whole time, and I'm going through a pocket of singles and fives, I'm looking for the hundreds. I looked, there was like three yards, I fucking popped up, I said, listen, I gotta put a quarter in the fucking meat. Bam! We fucking left. You probably have people all over the country still waiting for you to come back. Probably still fucking waiting.

Starting point is 00:14:27 What are you gonna do? They're still looking at that clock. You told me you was gonna come back. He's looking out the window? Yeah. Where's that meter? Check Twitter. Today, I got a guy calling me that is very fucking special in my life, and I'm lucky to

Starting point is 00:14:39 have him in there. His name is Steve Avillo. Oh, wow. I grew up with him. I met him, his dad died like in the eighth grade or something, and I didn't know him at the time, and then I started hanging out with him as a freshman in high school. And I gotta tell you something, in your life, you meet some fucking good and bad people, but you meet some people that are extra fucking nice, and they don't judge, and this guy's

Starting point is 00:14:59 been my friend for fucking 40 years, and he's in a band called the Past Masters, and they do cover, and they have some original material, and they travel to Jersey, to Tri-State, and they're banging it out like Twisted Sister, and all those bands from that day did out there. I'm from my age, and I gotta tell you guys, I'm lucky to have him, and he's one of the guys that sat with me at Pink Floyd, with the guy with the balloons and the whole thing. It's funny because I didn't know who to have on this week, and I looked at YouTube the other day, and I found that video.

Starting point is 00:15:29 I forgot about the Pink Floyd story, and it's got like 100,000 hits on it, so I said, you know what? Because I've been talking, I talk to Avillo a lot, I talk to a lot of different kids, and I said, you know what, I'm gonna have him on. He's not a criminal, he's an engineer, I mean, this is a guy that grew up around there, all the stories I talk about, and he never, ever, while the kids stopped talking to me or whatever, got scared of me, he was, he loved me even more, and one of the reasons why I adore this kid is he came, he went to my mother's funeral.

Starting point is 00:15:58 That's how long I know this kid, but I forget, I never forget, leaving the church, and he was there with his mother, and this kid Tommy Sharples, and I remember his mother pulled me aside and said, do you want to stay with us? And was his dad, has his dad passed away by that time? His dad had passed away like a year before me, or two years before, he was a great football coach, a lot of kids loved him, you know, and it's amazing the people I still talk to from those days, and people, I've been getting emails later, people like Joey, you know, Joey Fulotto was cool when he called, and the other guy was cool, Mike Roebuck was cool,

Starting point is 00:16:30 and I tell people all the time, if you fed me when I was running, I'll never forget it, you know, it's not even about feeding me, it's a word I'm using, it's just, if you took care of me when I was doing my thing, if you didn't judge, and you were my friend, I can never forget it. And you have a lot of people like that. I have all, they're all like that though, they're all like that, because at the end of the week, what do you need in your life, you want these fake motherfuckers around you, or you want the people who care for you all your fucking life, you know?

Starting point is 00:16:58 That's one of the things I asked everyone when we were doing the documentary, like what is it about North Bergen, and no one could really answer it, it's just, for some reason the time you were there, and the people you chose to hang out with, and just happened to be really, like, I don't even think it's North Bergen, I think it was just, you happened to get with a bunch of really cool people. It's stupid loyalty, it's the dumbest loyalty in the world, but I wouldn't know life without it, I would not know life without it, because that's what people don't have, if you don't have stupid loyalty to the people around you, and your friends and people who took care

Starting point is 00:17:30 of you, the people that deal with you every fucking day, you know what I'm saying, and they're around you, regardless of your political views, there's certain people that are around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're

Starting point is 00:17:50 around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're

Starting point is 00:18:00 around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're

Starting point is 00:18:08 around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're

Starting point is 00:44:48 around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're around you, they're past masters. past masters. past masters.

Starting point is 00:44:56 past masters. past masters. past masters. past masters. past masters. past masters. past masters. past masters.

Starting point is 00:45:20 past masters. past masters. past masters. past masters. past masters. Master. Master. Master.

Starting point is 00:45:28 Master. Master. Last year, Last year, Last year, like Northern Burden County with down the shore in the summer, it's just, you know, just ripping it up. One of these days you'll get to see us. One of these days. Well, maybe October 27 cops up.

Starting point is 00:46:02 You never know how I might pop up and surprise you of bills from the bottom of my heart. I love you like a fucking brother. I never forgot you being outside that church. I never forgot your mother trying to get me in the house. I never forgotten all these things, the meals and just the time in the shed, you know, the hits a mess when the smoke and the ball, you know, I know you don't want to talk about smoking bones, but I just want you to remember something. Uh, you know,

Starting point is 00:46:27 we used to buy like a bag for 25 bucks and we get 35 joints and we'd roll them in the shed and they were bats and they were bats. And we wouldn't go home and we wouldn't go home to all 35 joints with smoke. They're my line to your bill. We didn't know we'd sit there and pass joints around. If there was four joints and four of us, then we need to take a joint home for the morning, you know, we had lubes on the show. So these people got to establish that, that, that, that, that, that lubes,

Starting point is 00:46:57 the stutterer who was also our little brother. And I'm going to try to get more guys from them and try to get Anthony Eggersy on there and a couple of other guys to come on a bills. I love you to all my heart, brother. Thank you very much for calling up and making my fucking day. Stay black. My pleasure, man. All right. Give your family a kiss. I love you guys. Bye. For everyone listening, if you go to Facebook,

Starting point is 00:47:19 it's facebook.com slash past masters and it's a Facebook site for, they have a pretty cool picture of all of them on the band up. And that's pretty crazy, man. When you were saying that you were 13, going to those concerts in fucking Philadelphia, I was thinking, when I was 13, I was having a bar, I was going to bar mitzvahs and I was excited because I was dancing with the girls for like the first time and maybe had my first kiss and you were doing windowpane.

Starting point is 00:47:44 We had already got my dick sucked and we were dry humping bitches and everything at 13. It was a different time, guys. It was a different time. Both parents worked. You fend for yourself. There was no computer. So you had to live your fucking life. You couldn't go on you porn and whack off and think that you were fucking cool. You had to live your fucking life. And these kids I grew up with were fucking not savages. They were what's the word I'm looking for?

Starting point is 00:48:09 They were they were adventurous. We did things as kids. 13, 14. We'd go into New York City and buy concert tickets, stand on the line with adults and go, what the fuck? And bike. You don't know how many times I went to the city with these guys and something would happen and these guys would get into a fight with a fucking adult. Yeah. When he said when you were guys were waiting outside for the concerts and had cases of beer, 15 year old, let's say you were 15,

Starting point is 00:48:34 if you have 15 year old kids were sitting outside with cases of beer these days, they wouldn't even get to open the first beer before they'd be arrested. Listen, we were good kids. We didn't respect what the fuck society wanted us to respect. We didn't respect nothing like that. We respected ourselves. OK, we did what the fuck we did. And that's how I live my life. I tell people, you don't text. No, I don't text.

Starting point is 00:48:54 This is my fucking football field. I worry about this circle in front of me. Oh, you don't want to do comedy on Sundays. No, I want to be home for dinner with my wife on Sundays and enjoy my family. I've been divorced already. If I do comedy on a fucking Sunday out of state, then I don't get home till Monday. And yeah, I make a little fucking extra change, but it's not worth being away from my wife.

Starting point is 00:49:12 It's a personal choice. That's what I learned from hanging out with these guys. These guys didn't give a fuck and they didn't do drugs. I was the only drug in this crew. A lot of your friends. This is this is a crew that was a music. They were jockey or they were jocks. They were all state champion wrestlers and whatever. And if I would have kept hanging out with them,

Starting point is 00:49:30 maybe I would have became something different. These were all successful fucking kids from North Bergen. But he, him, Glen Conte, these are my brothers. You know, Glen works for UPS, a big shot at UPS. These guys, we all grew up in the same fucking streets. They just took the right turns that I didn't fucking take, but they didn't stop being my fucking friend. And that's why I'm the way I am today.

Starting point is 00:49:50 They could have stopped being my friend. They heard all about everything. They heard about the jewelry stores and this and beating people. They heard, but they knew that there was something I was going through. I had just lost my mother at 15. I lost faith. You know, my common denominator had broken down. What keeps you going every day? They kept me going.

Starting point is 00:50:08 They're the ones that when I'd see him, they'd say, dog, you want to come over and eat and take a shower and get your shit together? When we did the documentary, that was I wanted to get him on there, but he lives in Connecticut. Oh, OK. He would have really broken down for a lot of people that it wasn't about these are my brothers. It's not like society today. They didn't look down on you and what you had or what you didn't have.

Starting point is 00:50:27 We did. If in those days, there was an iPhone, none of us would have had it. None of us have tattoos. None of us have hearings. None of us have goatees. None of us try to be cool. We are cool motherfuckers like those concerts or all the guys that long hair in our hometown that were supposed to be the fucking guys that were going to these concerts. They weren't going.

Starting point is 00:50:46 They didn't know how to put two and two together. The fake stone is, you know, the high time stone is we were kids that were lifting fucking these motherfuckers had a 300 pound bench club and squat club and they would smoke pot and bench and squat and run fucking over George Washington Bridge and at night take a hit of acid and do what the fuck savages were doing. But in the daytime, they were civilized fucking people. They didn't have that.

Starting point is 00:51:09 We didn't want to let people know our business growing up. We didn't need to let people, you didn't need to have a tattoo with weed on it or a t-shirt with weed on it. We knew what the fuck we were doing. The same reason why I am the way I am today. You're not that you're very confident. You don't give a fuck what society tells you. I ran out here for 10 years.

Starting point is 00:51:27 Well, the driver's license tells you, you know what? Since 91, after I got divorced from my wife to fucking 2001 when I met Terri a year after she talked me into I didn't file taxes. Did the cops come get you? No, I come clean. I fucking pay him. I'm almost done paying my taxes for all those years. But you could live your life.

Starting point is 00:51:49 Don't worry about what society fucking tells you to do. And the rest of these sheep do. We lived our life on how we wanted to do. No, these motherfuckers, look at my Facebook. Nobody's got long hair and a picture of weed in their forehead and they're cool and whatever. Nobody had to try to be cool. We were cool.

Starting point is 00:52:04 We did. We like I said, we showed up at a concert with a case of beer. What the fuck are you going to do? Fifteen deep? What are you going to do? What are you going to take it from us? Get the fuck out. So you're saying you wouldn't have Twitter and you would be tweeting Ozzy Oz

Starting point is 00:52:15 one of your 15. No, we wouldn't even know what that was. We were living our lives, bro. Yeah, that's the thing. We were living our lives on 15. We were living our life at 15. We were robbing beer trucks. You heard it.

Starting point is 00:52:26 Who the fuck robbers a beer truck today when you're a kid? That's why these kids are walking around fat little motherfuckers that don't run. They don't do shit, these little motherfuckers. I got fat later on. These young kids, 14, 13, you're seeing with their fucking backpacks. What was the last time they broke a fucking window or fucking took a shit in a bag and you never took a shit in a bag and put on some of these doorstep and then I'm fine. You ring the doorbell.

Starting point is 00:52:48 The guy comes out. There's a fucking bag of shit on fire. He steps on it. He gets shit on his shoe. And we've heard of it, but I've never done it. You got to fucking gig a lot of it. That's what we did as kids. But these kids, the lesson I got from these guys I'll never forget is they kept me going.

Starting point is 00:53:02 They didn't do what everybody else did. We didn't do. We didn't want to do what everybody else did. You know, I remember going to shitty concerts and seeing the kids with the t-shirt, concert t-shirts the next day. Man, we went to see whatever shit band and we go up to them. We were at the concert. We were in the back or in the front or we got there and we walked out because they

Starting point is 00:53:21 sucked and they'd be these fake fucking kids. Yeah, we went, man, they were great. We went to the same concert. And we knew all the songs and we'd tell them where the sound was bad or this or that. This concert sucked, but these guys had nowhere to go. They paid 20 bucks for a concert and they couldn't be honest and tell people the concert sucked. God forbid, God forbid you paid for a fucking one of these shit movies they make today. And when you leave there, you look somebody in the face and go, the movie really fucking sucked

Starting point is 00:53:46 because you can't be like everybody else. Everybody else is saying the movie's fantastic. What are you gonna fucking say? You got these motherfuckers taught me. Within then, and my buddy Mike Runney, who is in Delaware, they taught me how to live for yourself and how to have your own fucking voice. And we did what the fuck we wanted to do all the time. We didn't care.

Starting point is 00:54:05 I mean, I was going to have him talk about eating animals. When we were kids, they used to have parties and put them alive mice and bite the fucking mice's head and shit like that. There was a party I went to with these animals without a table full of glass and they were eating fucking glass. These motherfuckers were crazy growing up. That was the other side of the spectrum. And again, no, these guys had tattoos.

Starting point is 00:54:26 Nobody was doing steroids. Nobody had the fucking tap out shirts. I was with you until you started eating mice and eating glass. So they bit a fucking mouse in half one night at a school party at a school party one night. These motherfuckers took out a bag of fucking mice and started eating mice. They went to the high school graduation party as garbage. So what they did was they put a garbage can over here. They cut the bottom out.

Starting point is 00:54:53 Okay. And they put a garbage can over their body to look like a human block. And then they took the garbage can on top and they took a bag, a brown bag. Yeah. They put their head, they crazy glued all that and they took live strings strings and they tied them around the live mice. So they went into this Halloween party with the fucking live mice dangling. Okay.

Starting point is 00:55:13 And when people would call their attention, is that a live mice? They'd pick it up and bite the fucking mouth. I was with the internet. Do you understand where the fuck I fucking grew up? Coxuck. And now do you understand these are not the same people. These were not. Oh my God, because of all the chitchat, chitchat, chitchat, talking fucking people.

Starting point is 00:55:34 These motherfuckers and they wouldn't tell you. They wouldn't tell you they want to do it. I'm going to do this. Oh my God. No, they just do it. They were like, they were fucked like they were way before. Maybe they should have told somebody. What's that?

Starting point is 00:55:47 Maybe they should have told somebody. Oh, that's for fucking all these kids that want to be cute. These guys weren't allowed to wear like little hats backwards. These guys didn't care about being cute or being good looking or letting letting people like them. They lived their life on their own fucking terms. And that's where I got that from. I don't ever give a fuck what people think or what the fuck people say.

Starting point is 00:56:07 Do you for what? I don't give a fuck. It's like what people you're supposed to do. That's a problem. I think a lot of people in me included. I think I do too much. And you can't, you can't worry about it. You know, for 10, like I said, for 12 fucking years, I drove around here

Starting point is 00:56:20 with no license in my wallet. I had a license, but I didn't have it on me. And I got pulled over all the time. I didn't go to jail for years. I didn't vote for years. I didn't do none. I went underground, man. That's the thing I learned.

Starting point is 00:56:30 I mean, I don't know if this is the reason why you did it, but I worked at a movie theater in Boston and there were a lot of kids from like bad areas. And kids were always coming in and cops would pull them over and talk to them and they wouldn't have the license on them. And I come from a white area. I said, who doesn't have the license on them? And a couple of the guys came up to me and they're like, if you don't have your license on you, they don't know who you are.

Starting point is 00:56:48 They don't know who you are. And that's number one. I did it just to fuck with them. I had a license, but I didn't have it with me. You know what I'm saying? There's so many things society tells you you have to do that you don't have to fucking do, but you think, oh my God, I have to do it. You live your life on your own fucking terms.

Starting point is 00:57:06 And I do it still today. My wife can't deal with it. There's times you can't deal with it as my best friend. You can't deal with it. You know, you asked me about something's going to happen in November, but I'm like, why? It's just, you know, why are we even worried about that? We shouldn't even worry about.

Starting point is 00:57:19 We shouldn't have this discussion. We should be discussing once in front of you today, like today, Monday, the best day of a fucking week. You're the only person that's going to say that, too. What's that? Monday, best day of the week. Monday is your best fucking day of the week. They hate it because they're looking at it from the other option.

Starting point is 00:57:33 You have a whole new chance at life. You have a whole new fucking week to turn it around. You know, for years, you wanted to go to college or you wanted to take a class or you want to ask that girl out. You just got your fucking opportunity again. It's a brand new fucking Monday. Not only that, it's October 1st. You could start with your goals.

Starting point is 00:57:49 You could do whatever the fuck you want. What's your goal this month? I'm going to try to lose 10 pounds. You that sounds like a good one. I mean, I hadn't thought about it. You better get it together. Cox sucking because the holidays are coming. How are you going to eat chocolates when you go back to Boston?

Starting point is 00:58:02 Huh? Yeah, that's a good point. But always remember that, bro. You know what, man? Whether it was comedy or whatever, I always do it on my fucking terms because you're the one that suffer. I don't give a fuck till this day. I don't break down.

Starting point is 00:58:14 You don't see me with tattoos or a haircut. So everybody accepts me. I'm who the fuck I am on the inside. I suggest you motherfuckers do too. Don't worry about it. If they act, if they fucking into all that fake shit, you don't want them to fuck around. Why have these wasted life motherfuckers around? Honor amongst thieves.

Starting point is 00:58:30 Cox sucker. What do you got going on this week, Lisa? Yeah, tell me. Uh, we got, we got one of these Wednesday. We got another one Wednesday. Church Wednesday. And Wednesday, sons of Anarchy. I'm going to yoga this week.

Starting point is 00:58:42 I'm, I'm shooting to go daddy fucking commercial. I'm going to Arizona for Friday and Saturday with the boys. I'm not working Sunday. So if you're buying tickets for fucking stand up live to see me Sunday, you're in no fucking danger. I'm on the 825 on a missile back to motherfucking Los Angeles. If they had a midnight flight, you'd probably get fucked out of there. It's the Lord's Day dog. And for anyone listening Wednesday, just know that Joey's going to talk about sons of Anarchy.

Starting point is 00:59:08 So don't listen to, yeah, don't hit me with the spoiler. Like, go fuck your mother. I got time for that shit. When you get home from work on Tuesday, I don't give a fuck what time it is. You put on fucking sons of Anarchy and you watch it. Then you listen to me on Wednesday. And that's it. We're going to try this week to do a third podcast.

Starting point is 00:59:23 We haven't decided yet. We're going to try. I'm going to talk to Lee and see what the schedule is. Number two, I want you motherfuckers. I want to thank yous all on a personal level for bringing Ari Shafir to number one and keeping them there. Jim Gaffigan knocked them off yesterday. I put it back up last night. You motherfuckers did your thing.

Starting point is 00:59:40 Thank you very much. It's very important that that squad takes over. Very fucking important. It's that time. No more bullshit. No more fucking around. You know, this is a real motherfucking podcast with real motherfucking guests and a real motherfucking outlook. And we have the flying Jew is something that nobody's got.

Starting point is 00:59:56 Thank you very much for listening. Thank you for fucking supporting. Testicle Testament three should be out soon. And that's that's a great one. That's the one about your stepfather. Yeah, how I got crazy. I mixed that with fucking I mixed the craziness of my stepfather with fucking a villa on these guys. And it all works out.

Starting point is 01:00:15 So thank you very much for listening. Thank you very much for being a part of it. And like I said, subscribe, subscribe to the fucking podcast. We got a lot of shit that's going to happen before he is over. Oh, and again, to my buddy here, Stephen fucking Michael, whatever his last name is. Stephen Michael. Aloysius for putting together a poster. We're going to put in the studio soon.

Starting point is 01:00:35 I love you guys. I love you guys from the bottom of my fucking heart. Thank you for listening and thank you for supporting everything we fucking do here at the church or what's happening now. And for giving me fucking the flying Jew. So yeah, who didn't know when fucking the next Jew holiday was? Well, I'm gonna fucking stab in the heart when I'm all day. Fuck, what are you going to?

Starting point is 01:00:53 What song are you going to end on? We have Superfly. If you want to play that again, let's play Superfly for these motherfuckers from the beginning, dog. I want you to listen to the fucking bass. Only a black guy could have done something like that. You know what I'm saying? Hit it.

Starting point is 01:01:06 Have a great week. Have a great day. I love you. Stay black. Throw a kiss, Lisa. Bye, guys. Thank you for watching. See you next time.

Starting point is 01:02:05 Bye.

Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 10/01/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #12

Joey and Lee talk about his time in Baltimore, how lucky he is to have his group of friends, and how to live your life without caring how other people think. Joey's friend Steve calls in to talk about... music and the Pink Floyd Story. Streamed Live on 10/01/2012

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