Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 10/03/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #13

Episode Date: October 4, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about Joey's upcoming blood test, other "medical tests." and some of the teachers Joey had as a kid. Joey's friend Uncle Mike called in to talk about their days as "running partners" in Boulder and later in Los Angeles. And you'll never guess who contacted Joey on Facebook. Streamed live on 10/03/2012

get a grip motherfucker yeah this album is dedicated so all the teachers that told me i'm never mountain tonight so all the people that lived above the zilders that i was hustling from that call the police on it when i was just trying to make some money to feed my daughter and all the niggas in the struggle you know what i'm saying it's all good baby it was all a dream i used to read bird off magic oh shit it's that time play that motherfucker let's do this come on baby oh shit little biggie for you motherfuckers here all right it's wednesday get the fuck up the world is waiting for you watch that fucking monkey cocksuckers the church of what's happening now turn that shit off we here you go we're here cocksucker the

church of what's happening now it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive october third i got mini finney say hello that's right cocksucker i got flying julie sciat in the fucking house here how's everybody doing what's happening lily lily everything is great man it's fucking october i'm ready to go fucking the playoffs right you're happy the red sox in no the red sox couldn't be further out the fucking fuck it next year whatever i don't know what the fuck there's too many games in baseball to pay attention man it's just and i i love the red sox fucking april and man i only watch baseball and fucking october anyway it's only good it's only good live man i i haven't been in dodger stadium yet but i mean what the fuck is wrong with you even going to get hit in the head

yet you gotta go down to dodger stadium get out of there the fucking mayans it's like sons of anarchy at the fucking dodger stadium you know that's why me and why june doesn't go i go to fenway park and sit in the nice seats and i have a beer and i leave shit fenway park i love fenway savages that i love fenway but but they like me because i wear there i'm a fan of their team go to fucking dodgers and they punch you in the eye that's right fucking i punch you the fucking i too have you sat in front of me last i went to a dodger game i am sure do you see over me i want my fucking uncle let me tell you something dawg i love those dodger games you go you eat something heavy before you go and you fart at those fucking games there's usually a kid in front of you with

his dad one time i went i went to prime rib and i had the horse radish oh come on that's not even fair oh and there was a kid and his father sitting next to him like he got him once a week the kid had the glove and everything i'm sitting in and this tear gas is coming out of my little muffler and i bounced it directly so to bounce off the chair right into their fucking space they just kind of look at each other and go like this and after like 16 of those fucking horseradish farts they looked at each other they got up and they abandoned shit well they would have gotten horseradish farts with you that's fucking delicious fucking sons of anarchy last night bitches tremendous i mean last night was okay you follow me i mean the fucking actions he

one thing about sons of anarchy i learned when they went over to ireland to get the kid jeez it's fucking christ they will milk it but every episode somebody gets a beaten somebody gets stabbed some chick gets punched in the fucking face jama somebody gets fucked somebody gets blown up some shut the fuck up finny i'm trying to drop some knowledge here look at this guy pissing right next to me in the fucking little box staring at me in the eyes staring at you like he owns the fucking bathroom but uh last night the best thing that happened was a a tit and a fucking thumb they were looking for this hooker and uh the guy goes all right you're gonna kill it we want proof eh then there's a fucking tit and a thumb that's old school a tit and a thumb

how about just the thumb we call the fucking even i gotta come up with a fucking tit now to to satisfy your little mexican cock suck i can't even imagine cutting a tit off that's fucking you never have to cut a tit off we got this fucking squeeze and suck and that's it i know i wouldn't have to but jesus christ sometimes they're dead you gotta do what you gotta do you you know the the fucking payment and you didn't see the there used to be this doctor on hbo nobody remembers dr bowden dr biden whatever his name was it was like fucking before csi they would go to this guy with real murders all right okay to anthony bowden i forget what his name is if somebody remembers on twitter twitter me this motherfucker here if you're dead if they call him in he's gonna

find out who the fuck you are and the one time they killed his stripper and they threw it they cut her in half and they put him in the jersey shirt this motherfucker from the torso no head no arms just from the torso found out who the chick was and who killed her was it because like the breast implants or something the breast implants had codes in them not to mention not to mention he had fucking she had clams in the stomach see if she was a dirty hoe she went in order like expensive clams that you could only get somewhere else from that's what she had in her stomach so dr biden went to all the fucking restaurants that sold those type of clams oh my god boom they caught her with the fucking dude close that door for uncle joey there because if not i can't fucking

focus but it's a beautiful day to be alive it's wednesday i'm happy everybody's fucking happy what else is going on here a lot of people been calling you know what pissed me off i hate wasted fucking time in life wasted time it's the worst thing in the world especially when the government or somebody's wasting our taxpayers they're still looking for jimmy hoffer they're looking for who gives a fuck where jimmy hoffer is let this cock suck and die like listen if you don't show up after a week your family starts to think about what does he do uh he rollerskates he does this he's a fucking mo mo whatever it's 37 years later do you think they give a fuck how he died only because the fuck how he died that was 37 years ago obviously you know he ain't coming back for

yeah you know what i'm saying like one day you're like oh he hasn't shown for him a year maybe he's dead nobody leaves for 37 years and disappears stop looking and fucking michigan you know what hoffer's body's at in japan they put it in a fucking car and shipped it to japan right after they killed him the car got fucking squashed it's over stop looking for jimmy hoffer nobody gives a fuck you might as well go to mars and do all the other you're wasting your fucking time here we got 10 million fucking americans without fucking work and you're spending thousands to find out where jimmy hoffer is leave jimmy hoffer the fuck alone wherever the fuck he is dead and buried he's under giant state even he ain't nowhere he's dead they crushed his fucking

bones and sent them to in the fucking car in the trunk to japan as a stolen car when they got there they fucking squished it that's the story on the fucking street and i'm just some fat fuck from hudson county new jersey where it all went down so i don't want to hear no fucking stories no more no more jimmy hop i don't give a fuck why do why are we considering a cold case all they murdered this fucking old lady in 1964 what's it got to do with me if you didn't figure it out in a week it's 48 hours that's why they got a show called 48 fucking hours if we can't figure out 48 hours we'll just pretend we'll just fucking pretend or assume where the fuck you're at so you don't care who killed tupac or biggie or anything what's it got to do with you when you go to rouse tomorrow

you still gotta pay what's it got to do with you what are you gonna do sit down though i knew it i fucking knew it oh they want to be able to write the movie what fucking movie there ain't no fucking movie that's 25 that's because they don't know who killed him yeah would you stop they know who fucking killed biggie it was uh the cops from la pd it was cops oh i just mean i just mean they got all twisted tupac was uh what's his name you ever see tupac in the last picture they took of him in the fucking car in the bmw he's looking at the camera okay he knew right there he was going down you know a lot of people don't know tupac was about to leave the label he was dating quincy jones door there's something to do like that she knew the whole story and they knew it they were the

fucking he was the cash cow the fucking label what are you gonna do you're gonna let your fucking cash cow leave you think rogan would let red band leave fuck no he's got 22 bullets in that motherfucker there won't be no more cash with little fucking things around it's just the way it is it's all about the paper it's all about the fucking vengeance so what are you gonna do we got my buddy mike kessler today i've known mike for fucking 20 years i've known him from boulder when i got out of that joint i was in a halfway house and i would walk past his dealership every day we became friends i got him calling from colorado he's one of the first people you told me about when we first started working together you just told me like like he's jewish

right he's fucking jewish but he's the man he's my fucking he's my fucking uncle i don't give a fucking video listen i'd rather hang out with you if you're a fucking jew because i know where you're heading the hardest from i know that somewhere along the line you had a hard work in jew and your fucking family they commit once a jew commits you think they sit there and throw rocks you think fucking israel is a powerhouse they killed jesus those are the people you want they don't get emotionally fucking involved those fucking jews it's all about the vengeance with them and the yamaka that's it it's how much is in my fucking yamaka cocksucker you're gonna show up here and talk to me about jimmy hoff who gives a fuck jimmy hoff hasn't put a dollar in my fucking yamaka

in years that's all you got to worry about leave don't worry about fucking the yamaka's or nothing and for fat alert fat people alert fat people alert there's a peanut butter fucking recall you understand me now let me explain some to you if you go to all these fucking little health food stores and buy peanut butter you're gonna fucking shit blood and you're gonna get salmonella and you're gonna get a bunch of fucking 103 temperature why do you go to these dummy places to buy peanut butter oh i want all natural with low sugar peanut butter is peanut butter all right you go to fucking jiff there's a best of and i'm not even my sponsors i'm talking i've been eating jiff since the beginning of fucking time you don't see me shitting blood well that's rather

reasons what the fuck is wrong i'm serious you don't see me shitting blood a complainer peanut butter is easy if you go to fucking jiff the creamy shit i hate nuts nuts oh crunchy it's awful it's awful especially when you buy it into it i like it like prison it's fucking creamy they got the jelly you got the white bread it's soft you cut the fucking angles off i grew up i love peanut butter and jelly no one's ever said that before i like i like the peanut butter like i like to the prison yeah it's peanut butter and jelly and preliminary taste of the best fucking peanut butter and jelly you get this prison because they got nothing else and they give you the shit fucking peanut butter you can taste the difference but when you're in prison you can't

kill complain you know you love you you got a peanut butter sandwich never mind fucking jiff yeah the only the only time i ever bought bought crunchy is when uh you had me smoke hash and i went to Ralph's and i was spending like an hour and a half and they just walking up and down every aisle and i just grabbed the wrong peanut butter i got home it was crunchy i it was in my cup but you ate a cocksucker no you didn't put in your peanut butter for no i had it i ended up eating if i was there for a year because i went out got creamy the next day second shit by the way last man let me tell you something i got off the plane on sunday from Baltimore which tomorrow i think about Baltimore 11 and i and i seen a good friend there when i was there john rollo bad motherfucker

muscles on top of muscles he's having an event at the uh first mariner october 19th like an mma event the word on the street to like little ufcs if you live in the baltimore area go support him john rollo is a bad motherfucker and he puts on a good event i'm still thinking about Baltimore those fish uh those crab cakes world-class man i'll never eat another fucking shit crab cakes of mcquamick and schmitz in the world no no no but last night when i got off the fucking plane on sunday i went to divine wellness because when it comes to fucking edible divine wellness has your edible i'm not even fucking with you they got edibles they came in the back when they go you like lollipops oh you show me this i said everybody likes lollipops and they were like oh we got a

lollipop for you that was dipped in the fucking pot thing this is what they gave jesus in the fucking cave and they called i don't even know what the fuck they called here i gotta put my glasses on an old fucking man they call the bud barber that's what it's called bud barber dot com this is a strawberry banana suckle and it's got 120 fucking pure thc with protein with what you can't beat that one it's thc with farts whey protein you're fucking far up the i've been farting smells like a fucking ginger tree all day in my my bathroom but these lollipops if you can hang your hands on these fucking lollipops oh my god you eat it and like fucking four hours later it just comes upon you and it whacks you like a fucking left hookly tremendous i'm gonna give you one for work

and you're sucking at work by 12 o'clock you'll be tapping on you'll be calling your mom collect mama mama you'll be talking israeli mama mama it's the flying jew send me some fucking paper what else is going on cotsucker tell me something you know what i forgot i've been a couple people told me to talk about a couple topics today but uh i've been thinking about you know i can't believe how many pink floyd people we have on twitter like when i put a pink floyd song and we talk about pink floyd i put i made rogan put echoes on uh live from pompe one time of his podcast i got home i had a thousand fucking people who love pink floyd and there's a kid that's been hitting me up on what to listen to whatever i'll tell you what the other day

steveville was on that kid steveville turned me on because i was into uh wish you were here and i was into uh dark side of the moon you know in 1978 like every other fucking momo because uh it was commercial you know but he turned me on to animals which is one of the greatest pink floyd albums of all fucking time it covers sheep pigs and dogs and you could pick which one you're gonna be in your life they just break down fucking society you could be a sheep you could be a fucking pig three different types of sheep but dogs i listen to dogs i gotta tell you almost as much as i listen to black fucking sap because the story of life you know you gotta be crazy you gotta have a real need you gotta sleep on your toes when you're on the street you gotta be able to pick out the easy

meat with your eyes closed this is it this is he just breaks it down i could tell you that you need success in a high school diploma you need to be a fucking savage you need to go out there every morning and appreciate the day you know uh i went to 7 11 in the morning i got up early at 4 30 i mean got a hot chocolate and when i was there i seen one of the guys from the wine he goes you're always in a good mood in the morning and it was crazy because i wanted to break it down to him like i'm woken up in the morning with no money like never mind two thousand your pocket just nothing wake up and you gotta go to the fucking uh a charlie's deli and you gotta fucking put it on the arm and i grew up with these kids the charlies when i was a kid and up to 83 and i would go to deli

in the morning get the newspaper on the arm that's 50 cents on the credit and i would get two eggs for bacon toast potatoes all that shit and they would give me a 10 out of the register to get my day started that doesn't happen anymore no and i would sign for it and i come back and our charlie is on fucking facebook he was one of my brothers and i always thank him for that because he took care of me but to wake up with no paper to wake up with no hope i would wake up and look at the paper and read the lines for sports gambling and see who i was going back tonight so i could make a living and i get up early in those days because when you're planning a heist you gotta get the day going people go to work early so you want to at least uh break into the house by lunchtime or one o'clock

you need a couple hours to fucking jump and break the window and get to the same a thief with the with the conch it's a work agenda it's in a work ethic you know but what's the difference between breaking into a window and auditioning or going to do something that you love it's the same type of concept and that's all i did i took the love for that like he says in juicy i took the love for that and i turned it into a love for this and here we are 20 years later it's the same fucking dynamics of crime in my head when i get on twitter in the morning it's the same fucking dynamics you know when you go into a bar to sell fucking blow you just go into the bar and tell people i got blow no you gotta call three people over and give them a fucking bump and let them know what's

crack a lacking and they come back and they go joey that's the shit that fucking kennedy snorted when his head blew off his Dallas you follow me and then they come in and do business with you same thing with twitter i gotta give him something i gotta get up in the morning let these motherfuckers know what time is crack a lacking what videos are in my mind this morning i was outside smoking a fucking number 445 and guns and roses came into my head fucking if it's a guns and rose type of energy we spread that shit it's a fucking wednesday everybody hates when it's fucking hump day today's a beautiful day to be alive you know why because you got two more and you're smoking dope and you're eating somebody's asshole that's it it's fucking friday what are you two more what

hump day oh it's hump day every fucking day is beautiful whether it's saturday wednesday listen i gotta get up you know me leave i gotta go this morning for a blood test usually when i gotta go for a blood test by this point a damn stabbing motherfuckers that god that let me eat it's not one of those dry yeah yeah i've never heard of that yeah yeah they're not checking all the other shit okay anyone on the 101 just get off whenever joey needs to get on oh well i gotta go for a blood test i'm just giving myself excuses and then i get there and i put fucking santana on and i put on oh yeah come over and i look the other way and they stick the fucking needle in my arm and i'm gone that's it it's over and you know what a blood test takes one minute but in my world

it takes 10 years yeah well you were thinking about it last night oh i was thinking about that but i went monday and they couldn't give me a blood test that i didn't have my insurance card so i already walked through and i already went through the whole fucking thing in my head so i'm gonna go in there today like a soldier and just put my fucking arm out tie that motherfucker up and blast it it's too bad dr amy can't do it for you ah you know what man dr amy is great with the fucking acupuncture and liver at that uh you got you know the reason why i went to acupuncture was to overcome my fears i have a fear of fucking needles and what a better way to start and i've been an acupuncture now for five or six years wow i've been going and i still faint from time to time and acupuncture not as

much as i used to because what happened was i needed an edible so i used to go to acupuncture on tuesdays in the old days and my buddy had a weed store in holly with me go if you come here tuesday morning's the owner's not here i'll give you all the and he was a baker he was a world-class baker so he would always make chocolates and puddings with thc and and i would go there at nine in the morning and blast the pudding well when i one o'clock i go to acupuncture my mind is a different fucking dimension you know what a needle feels different in your skin i wouldn't imagine when you're on thc you can feel the whole thing oh you feel the whole fucking thing going you so a couple times she put needles on me and she go are you cold and she put a blanket on me

and the blanket would move and that we'd be hanging off a needle and it'd be fucking poking up to my stuff so i faint from the fucking thing i just love that 10 years ago you were doing bumps and now you're doing now you're just slamming puddings oh please i'm slamming puddings like a doctor well he's not there no more he's he moved to he has a skateboard company or something now but the point being that i would go in and get all fucked up i don't faint that much no more i put my head down i don't think about it it's the thinking it's like i told the doctor monday i go i went for that shot a month ago i didn't feel it lee i could lie really i didn't fucking feel it the one in my ass that went for a penicillin i didn't know you're going in your ass oh i couldn't feel

that i'm not in my asshole in my ass i know i know i know you i know you're over there thinking you got a needle in your ass no i didn't get a needle in my can you imagine a needle in your asshole that's gonna be a fucking nightmare i'd smack the doctor but uh but i put the thing i didn't feel it it's when he took it out and i got up and i said i let somebody put a needle in my ass g dog i was sweating fucking profusely i was green they kept coming in they wouldn't let me my blood pressure was 2000 over 90 it was a beautiful day have you had the doctor done the prostate check with you yet oh fuck yeah it's tremendous really i can't believe i can't believe you let him do it what are you gonna do i'm gonna die of cancer because i'm not gonna finger up my

ass what are you gonna do i'm uh you know for a long time i had that oh fuck it i'll check myself let me know what you're looking for if i gotta bump with fucking strings on there if your ass feels like a tree but you go one let me tell you something have you got a dog have you had a finger doctor put a finger up your hands it's fucking magic it's magic what the first time it freaked me out i had to cancel my fucking day because you want to go home and get a hug it is traumatizing because he doesn't even he doesn't like when you stick your finger up a girl's ass usually when you're eating a pussy or she's in the kitchen bending over you stick that fucking dot up her ass but when a doctor sticks your finger up your ass he lays you down he goes

going to the fever position and he checks like your lungs with a fucking thing and also without you knowing he puts his fucking the pre-com on his finger and he slides that finger up your fucking muffler and you feel it in your belly button like yeah everything stops when you get the thing as a man when you get that finger in your ass everything fucking stops don't get me wrong i've had it like chicks put a little pink in my ass but that's nothing that doctor had a long fucking finger dog and it's up to the nuggles oh my god and he's twisted and turned it in and i felt it when he took that thing around he told me that he told me to wipe i thought i had a dirty ass because a lot of times you take the shit you walk around for 20 minutes with a little

dirty ass you get that after residue you have to do a couple wipes it sticks on to your hemorrhoid whatever and the worst part like the the fetal position is the thing that got me because i just felt like you sit there and they put the glove on you're in the fetal position and i've only had it happen once and it's just it was it would look it looked it's 30 seconds took 10 minutes we'll keep talking i'm gonna put that thing up your fucking ass that's when the podcast is over i still got it you know what i'm saying i still got it anyway anyway i'm fucking right away with fingers in your ass is where you're taking these young kids they're gonna be scared they're all gonna be walking around fucked up fingers all you young fox or your arthritic fingers are gonna

be walking around what am i gonna do with joey i can't finger bang nobody because you're texting can you imagine 20 years from now there's gonna be arthritis for textures oh there absolutely where you were heavy-texture in 2010 call us now we'll fix your fucking fingers yeah your fingers will be all flat and shit from texting you fucking momos just pick up the phone and call the bitch and tell us look who's slinging dick daddy motherfucker i can't fucking believe and give it out bubbling and felicia michael's just texted us 18 fucking times to remind you motherfuckers that they're doing a podcast awards we want you to vote in for beauty and the beast so go to podcast awards dot com and vote for beauty and the beast in the comedy section yeah it's a comedy

session it's a great podcast we've been doing it for two years uh you know we're always on itunes and we want to promote it felicia starting a new podcast yeah that's great uh you know we're trying here we're trying here at fucking mad flavor enterprises to get this motherfucker together we have to fly in jew leesa yeah what else lea what else you fucking that's it this week i'm going to phoenix with the boys the following week i'm going to be in portland orion october 11 solo like fucking uh you'd be nervous when you're flying over seattle no i don't fly over seattle seattle what don't you have a fucking b in geography portland comes before fucking seattle i know seattle's all the way in the corner up there with the felons and portlands before it

don't you have a problem didn't you get an a in geometry or geography nope obviously i'm going to portland orion i'm having a lot of fucking fun since october 11th i like portland orion they ain't fucking around up there i used to go to portland i used to go to orion from portland all the way to grant's fucking past i know orion like a motherfucker that's a great beautiful state i got into fight with the fucking retards and eugene at uh at the finals that time they had like the what yeah i called you when they had the uh the uh the american fucking retard associate i some fucking association and what club are you in portland i'm at uh huyum comedy club okay this is that we were at eugene at some hotel there and they had like the junior olympics i shouldn't

call him and talk about it had the junior olympics and some fucking kid went astray and jody ferding my friend with the fucking tits and he answers on stage and the tarts saw and he got like super tart strength you know that fucking strong and there was four black guys working the door from the university of orion football team this guy was going around them like there were nothing if you understand them and they were trying to tackle this fucking guy finally the the humane society came over those people they tackled them that again was shot fucking poor momos on the floor rolling back and he kept yelling oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's seen those that he was dancing with the first that's what happened he broke away from his dance okay right

to highlight this big junior olympic dance and he broke away from that dance and went into the comedy show and then they were playing music after when the girl was dancing okay so he started dancing when he started looking at it today as you can see he was drooling and shit he was going fucking bananas he was looking at those titties he was drooling and all of a sudden he kept leaving and he kept coming back he was thinking about the tits finally i seen him like grabbing he was just smelling the tits and she was goofing on she's like oh he's so cute i'm like dog don't fuck with that motherfucker those little tarts they'll take in the back room this will be a cv u a c u v sv u episode motherfucker dog do you know this that they told him to stop okay she was dancing by

herself he came back and he's like yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm not kidding you dog i wish i was lying to him i'm not even trying to be funny and the black guy's like listen dog you can't come in here he's like yeah yeah yeah yeah this motherfucker started doing turnarounds he started swimming through the offensive line like he was fucking Lawrence Taylor four fucking yams four big brothers couldn't fucking hold this poor kid finally the fucking handlers had to come and tie him up was like he was fucking crazy those kid dog i had a teacher in high school mr panakuchi he lost his arm in vietnam so he had a nub and like an arm when that motherfucker would hit you with that nub it was all over he was hit you with a nub oh my god he would nub be right in the

kitchen he would go down like a fucking box of chocolate dog i'm telling you mr panakuchi would fucking give you a little nub and he would fuck you up dog jesus christ the nubs and the fucking tarts yesterday yesterday i got this fucking thing i did this commercial for go day and they put this chain on me i played a pizza owner and they gave me this fucking chain and this like uh this little horn is like the italian malook you know you're telling me to protect you it's like a pepper when gold it's not really gold it's probably stand if i take this to the point shop tell you let's throw me a but i fucking uh you can always tell when you got bad jewelry because the hinges if the hinges are good you got shit jewelry if the hinges are good like the

the lockets if they're good you have good jewelry okay that's how you can tell if it's fake fucking go like this is a Puerto Rican hinge right there this is nothing this is gold play this is coming from a guy here while the jewellers don't have sure i know all about the dog i know all about this shit this is my life when you fucking depend on bringing in jewelry and getting 10 percent every day you gotta know what it looks like before you show up because then you're looking a fucking momo you show up with something bad to show the Puerto Rican yeah but right here they have this uh this horn right then mr barone i teach that was a documentary we're in the sixth grade he go this is why i put on like ten of these when the Yankees play the red sox and whenever reggie jackson slides i put the

fucking horn on them break your ankle you fucking black cock sucker this is what this teacher is telling us in the sixth grade that's why i love them still till today but fuck it we we got a bunch of shit cracking soon i don't even know i don't even know what time it is what time this guy's in the call like i said i can't even smoke dope this morning because i gotta go to the fucking doctor why can't you smoke because it's it's psychological when i sit there with the needles she puts it and this is the first time i'm going to this place like see it sag i already know those people down at bob hope medical center i've been going there for 10 fucking years so i'm used to this one beautiful black sister that gives takes blood out she wears a little wig hot in the motherfucker and then they

got this little mexican girl that's quiet i don't even feel it they put that kid's needle in me and they put the liquor cocaine on my arm i looked the other fucking way boom they get those five tubes out of you i got coconut water to replace the fucking blood cells i feel like i should call the nurse and just warn her as i'm leaving just you have joey diaz coming in they fucking know i got wanted posters everywhere this man will faint dog i fucking faint i'm telling you right now but i've been good that's why the good lord did me a favor well he didn't let me do fucking because i love harrowing if the good god would have made me been able to fucking shoot i wouldn't be here right now being a corner shriveled up nodding yeah that one scares me there was a scene in uh breaking bad a

couple seasons ago where they were on it and they were just they like they were dead they were dead and walking and they were just like passed out for days and that one looks scary oh harrowing is good when you you dick suck down harrowing you do a little fucking snort of harrowing and she put little lights up with no quarter on and you tell you ever see the movie panero no there's a movie called panero with the guy from law and order from law and order okay the regular guy the spanish guy okay he plays this guy panero miguel panero for a lot of people don't know was a playwright who went to jail and he wrote a play i forget what the name it was something eyes got a call coming in we'll finish panero after the call mike kesler oh good i thought i was ordering chinese food no

what's happening cocksucker hey mike kesler let me ask you something oh my kessler what's the name of panero's uh play which called short eyes correct the one that won everything on uh broadway right miguel panero remember james almost in that yeah no no no no no no no no no no no no those are portuguese guys don't come anyway don't worry about fucking imdb uncle mike what's happening cocksucker no i'm up here in uh paradise i'm up in woodstock new york not where all those dirty hippies hung out but the actual town of woodstock all right what's going on up there we're uh um um working with a couple of uh renaissance fantastic musicians and i've been writing and recording you're a fucking savage you miss you miss bolder colorado i'm always miss

bolder colorado i drove through there on my way out to new york when i left LA back in february just in time to watch the giant's beat uh new england you know i hate it all jesus christ you know you got the flying jewin here he's a fucking new england patriot fame just killed them that's the saddest thing in the past three super walls what's that oh the past two times we played him and they killed us it's finally it brings the nightmares back but anyways joey has some great stories about for you uncle mike i'm over here when when you're closer when when you're closer friends don marino says pack the car and his entire family there's nothing every sunday for the last 40 years but watch your patriot games a lot of fun when that game was a lot of fun hey mike castle i

was protecting his court i was thinking about you in bolder the other day i got a nickel all right i was thinking about you in bolder the other day when the time we bought the eight ball and you were going to a wedding the next day and you hit the eight ball in the dollhouse and you told me to go to your house and walk the fucking dog and i'll tell you what i want in this house and i retrace i retrace mike steps and i haunted down the fucking eight ball it was the most brilliant thing i ever done in my life i was a burglar and i've gone into people's houses and i found the fucking eight balls all the time but this time was amazing because i did not know where it was why'd you fucking hide it mike cocksucker did i even know i hid it i mean those those are some

like very you know foggy kind of days you know and it was like uh i mean uh i was blind somehow rather i managed to buy a house through all that i have no idea how i did that next to pay for the fucking actually worked out but i can't do great the nice house is nice bolder beautiful place to raise your family and uh as you could probably tell by my accent i come from the same neighborhood as joey on the other side of the river and you get the boulder and it's uh boulder's the widest place to visit is there any place wider than boulder than you think there are the smartest people in the fucking world but the dumbest motherfuckers in the world at the same time then when somebody put the box by bank of america by bank of hub that thing on 30th and iris they put a box in front

of the bank of america and they said the deposit to close put your deposits in the box and these motherfuckers put the deposit in the box these guys are astronauts walking around mike how long have we been together how long have we been fucking hanging out for i think yet i was thinking about we're going through that you know when we talked last week i've seen that says you know jeez must have been like 88 or 89 and i kind of left new york in a hurry didn't know what to do and when all you can do is bullshit you know you get a job selling cars right so that was my that was my first car job and uh um and i'm standing out in front on 30th street now both the car are out again if anybody has ever seen a picture of it it's a fucking postcard you know there's gorgeous

plates and i get a job if they don't need sound storage it's really nice people not the criminals that are usually in a car business and this guy comes walking down the street and he kind of looks like a young and pretty wooka brats here so which means he's probably from like like the neighborhood you know and he starts he starts you know he just you know joey joey talks to anybody he starts a conversation with me and i talked to anybody so we talked back before we know it and i go well where you going so i'm going to my job where you work i work at the puddle car wash and you know he's the only one who wasn't mexican to work at the puddle car wash so i what are you doing here he goes uh well you know i'm living in a halfway house

halfway house well it was a rehab but he was not just got out of prison oh what'd you do well i was in for attempted murder i said oh only attempted hey all right that's not bad and that was the first day i met you it's hysterical and from there it was uh how long do we live in boulder together 10 years yeah but you know it's funny they go out you were there when i started comedy dog you were there when i was still married i was in it i would get it i was in a night you started yeah and then you used to drive i would get i would get a night we used to run around i don't know what's going on uh can i can i tell the christmas shopping story oh fuck yeah yeah okay so it's like christmas all right you know i i have a job he barely has a job we're always

trying and we both have little kids my kids were older i'm older so my kids are teenagers right he wasn't a big deal and he was you know come on and say i i mean i could have been like sort of here i could have been like december 24th and he uh he uh he goes i pull up here we in the shopping center and like you know these are i gotta say these are all white people i pulled his shopping wait here and he comes out with 40s nintendo's you know or atari's whatever it was at the time the big video game that everybody had a house and he's got a store over when he's got this guy wearing a jacket there works for toys are us holding the door from helping him to the fucking car he just walked in and picked up these four ataris and and just took him out i mean he

he didn't want to stop by to catch that just it was fucking amazing what are you gonna do what are you gonna do with four of them he goes well we're gonna bring three of them back you know we're gonna go get the refund so which was another story not that was about it and that was 89 and then uh and then uh you decide oh you decided you had to go to work so we got your job in uh he got your job in flat irons accurate in suberu and uh he gets on a floor he's probably the best salesman there and uh so like two cars in two days but by day three he's got the general manager pinned against the wall with his hand on his throat saying uh uh and you never saw anybody so so they come and get me to you know because somebody had a poem off i didn't have to pull

him what are you doing and that was the end of his career two big career that was he only had problems following he had problems following directions from uh guys from indiana no i like jeff it was the way he talked to you you know that you know i was really rough then so if you talked to me a certain way i didn't know what the fuck was going on i just came out of the joint but one of the one of the best stories i just remember what mic was mic was working at this dealership and i tell mic i go mic i gotta i need fucking cash for the rent i don't know what to do and i'm over there one day talking to mic he's give he's giving me 10 15 bucks from time to time i go without a bicycle and go mic i need money he give me 10 bucks like i was his son he give me

10 bucks and one day i'm over and he goes hold on i gotta get cash out of the spiff the spiff box of some shit and at the dealership of the suburb dealership they have this fucking box we're cashing it and he you know changes the 20 in there for 210 and i go what do they put that box and he goes don't even think about it so it's a friday night so what i would do is at night i would go to king supers which is the grocery store and i'd buy a piece of adam cheese crackers and a container freshly squeezed orange juice that's i love that meal and i would eat it at the accurate lot and look at the cars so one night i'm at this accurate line i go i gotta get that spiff box i basically took the door off the fucking hinges i mean i ripped it open when it did the closet was open i

took the fucking spiff box 400 bucks i paid rent and i kept 50 bucks for a weekend or something the next day my calls he knows it's me guy i have my uh it's uh he yeah he didn't tell me he's doing he didn't he didn't announce his plans in advance i would i would have said no i'm not go somewhere else will you i walk in and he go wow we had a break in last night they're breaking we're breaking it's a fucking car dealership what do you know we barely used to lock the doors but we like these towards the show and i walk in and i see the big doors you know what kind of door it is it's kind of door where you have where when a little kid goes to a car shop he goes car shopping he goes how do you get

the cars out of here you know well it's that door the big fucking door you drive a car through so i picked it up like hercules and the door is and he picks the fucking thing i mean it's a huge door it's off the answers and it's telling me to break it's definitely late against the wall and they come in they go somebody came in and they robbed this fifth bank and now i know these guys these guys were like these were the nicest people you know they had the thread and and they put up with me because that was a bit of a nutcase but but but i saw cars and it showed up so uh uh they go like who do you think it was i can't imagine they go we think it's an inside job and i'm going yeah who wants an inside job who's in an inside job and and and they go let's blame i don't want

to mention a poor guy but uh they blame somebody yeah he was absolutely you know the type of person that everybody would have assumed needed money for blow and uh and that and and that he took it and i went like this they looked at me i said wow that sounds like he sounds guilty to me you know and it never ever ever ever ever came up they still don't know if they hear this i love you guys i apologize but it was only 400 bucks what do you do here's a good mike kessler story my kessler's daughter is uh is an editor and she was at the university of colorado and she wants to shoot a movie by this time i'm tight with the kesslers my daughter right i'm going to their house and i know all the girls and i'm playing with the dog and i know the mother the mother's making me veal

scallopini and they love me on the weekends i go there with my daughter and they play and we shoot this movie and we're up in what's the name of the city where we're shooting this move lions lions carolado so they make me go up there 11 o'clock in the morning what city what what city there's three sports right right it's what right it's just fucking nothing so we got this restaurant for the day i go up there i didn't know the filmmaking process i had nothing i had no idea about movies this is my first movie ever was a college movie and his daughter was the director so i get there they don't shoot all day i get that 11 at one in the morning i still have a fucking shot i'm furious so there's this truck right there's this truck with a shell like a Toyota truck and

they go if you want go lay down the truck so i go lay down the truck and also about 20 minutes later this chick lays down next to me who's a friend of my kessler's wife and i'm 29 maybe 27 28 and she's got to be 40 something she had a fucked up face but the body was banging so she lays down next to me she's rubbing me she's like you know it's gonna be all right don't worry about it and we start swapping spit and i feel her pussy and there's little chains on her pussy on her clip she had like little chains like a wind chimes and shit so we start making out and i turn her over to fucking doggie style but i put my dick in her ass my fucker in the ass and i come and i turn over and go to bed the next day i get to the kessler's house and all the women are mad at me

because they said i fucked her in the ass and gave a what what did i give her i gave her some diseases mike what did i give her this there's still mad at you and by the way i think it might still be when you find this performance is okay oh wait do you sound this the movie the movie was based no this was my kid it was a senior film she was at the c u film school c u's got a university of color i've got a decent film school my senior film school and she's going like uh uh and and somehow i guess we had told her the story which is a big check no i mean my kids are raising they're really raising manhattan so yeah i did not do much so i don't know when we tell her a story but they go well why did joey go to prison so we start telling them roughly you

know you know a real complicated version of exactly what happened but she will essentially totally uh joey rips off the coke jello takes them up with dr put them in the tape for the car and leaves them there and and the guy and i saw you know i i pep made it up the guy kicking and the guy gets stopped i don't even know what the real version is anymore but the version i went into the movie was this he walks into the restaurant he walks in a restaurant to tell us and and this guy was beautiful beautiful gorgeous and and and this freaky looking blonde kind of like you know somebody lost your looks will be done by andy warhol right and uh and she said that the counter anyway so yeah the story was he walks in but where's your exchange he

smashes a bottle over the guy and and then throws him in the back of a car and we parked from jack smooth the wholesaler goes where it goes we're going to go to orc and we had some blacks to Dan and uh and uh and i was there 24 hour movie by the way she won first prize yeah she won first prize i sold uh if you want me to tell you the funniest thing guess who facebook me on saturday morning kent veller the guy i kidnapped 24 years ago kent veller facebook me that's that's the guy in the trunk you're right you could see he was all fucked up let me read you the fucking email so you read it and you guys go to go to uh kent veller on facebook and hit him up oh he's gonna tell him that tell him that you want him to do the fucking podcast because i asked him

i go hey man it was a long fucking time ago uh you know what the fuck just do the podcast i apologize let me read you the fucking note he sent me just so you motherfucker maybe he erased it because he was embarrassed yeah he erased it but i hit him back last night yeah i hit him back last night listen to my wife sneezing she's a fucking animal it drives me crazy when she sneezes it's like being around a fucking animal i've never seen nothing like that in all my life all right listen to what he wrote it's a 10 by 28 he wrote cocksucker and uh hey man let's get real when you contacted me i'm kind of puckered up didn't know you were still mr. snuffleovik has had no idea you were sweating like a fat fucking online i'm in the fucking desert fuck stick prick motherfucker

you hot it twice motherfucker he must have been drunk as a skunk so i wrote back i hope you're doing well and i wrote back uh you know thanks for saying hello even though you were high as fuck i'll be in phoenix uh call i'd like for you to call into the podcast and then i hit him again yesterday you were fucked up till gil's the other night anyway do me a favor can you do the podcast for me let's talk about what happened it was over 20 years ago and we're still here you know so please if you listen to this podcast go to kent veller he's in toosan arizona facebook message him till he fucking calls us back we want to hear his story about what happened on that fucking day and that's it brother you know i just want to get it out then i open and let people know

mike was my uh you know it's funny i've been clean for five years and uh when i got here about two years later mike moved to la and it was the best thing of my life because i finally had somebody that i trusted and we run together all philippe's bars and gabriel glaces and those guys call mike tesla wolf whenever i see those guys they always go how's the wolf doing they say to clean up the mess but me me and mike were what we call running partners which a lot of people will never fucking have and dirty in all their life which means he would pick me up at 801 on the dot we would both have no money and our goal was to get blow and get money and sometimes we fucking went to the store and borrowed money and got a gram each and some weed and ten dollars to go

and sometimes we split at 60 but we always went home with something and uh it was amazing yeah we're real proud of all that shit aren't we so hey man you gotta be proud of that because a lot of people don't have that in life when you have an addiction listen it was the best uh i had that went on for like what two years two or three years man till i fucking quit two or three years and i got to see more comedy than anyone that's not a comic ever saw and uh uh and and and i kept going besides besides that we you know we were like yeah sort of kids with spirits in the devil's way but uh you know because we were both like you know and nobody needed to know what nobody knew what the fuck right there but anyway he uh but i got to you know go to and hang out in the back

county store the last factory in the improv and i would hang on the back and i would sit here like a lot of people who ever got a laugh in a room in a living room think they're like i could do that you know and it's like and then you see how hard it is and how much that you know when you see how bad the open night mics are hey listen i remember how bad joey d has was the first time he went up at uh what was that the broker the broker in and bold i started with a contest i told the story last week on the testicle testaments right about you know it's been 20 years and it didn't feel like 20 years micah micah you you sold me my car to go on the road remember you sold me the dotson b210 to go on the road you and uh you and uh uh you and stanhope i just saw me you guys stanhope got a

show time thing right right yes you sold he sold and you sent me yes stanhope they had just yes i sold you the car and i told stanhope the car stanhope's car i think it still runs yeah it's a little hunt it's a uh christler but the stanhope you did it solid for stanhope he didn't have a license and you put the car in your address and uh for a lot of stanhope fans this guy bailed out fucking stanhope so stanhope had a license could put to my friend's house that's how we run if you're in a fucking bind we'll help you out i mean uh i another thing i gotta talk something about mic that's very important about this podcast because it's the spirit of this podcast and with the church of what's happened now mic uh is 60 something he's retired and uh he wanted to

fulfill his dream in life at 60 guys which is to put a band back together and that's why he moved to new york and i miss him dearly i wish he was here with me he'd be doing the podcast every morning laughing and giggling with me and the flying june but for you motherfuckers that can't get your life together and all this shit think of this guy this guy at 64 how old are you mic 65 he put a band back together and he writes putting the band back together on a medicare card on a medicare card so for you motherfuckers that are young that can't get your mind together and don't know what to do next please we're talking about two guys here that me and this guy were as junky as you could be man from smoking crack to doing whatever i mean what's your crack

deal his name flocko it was always flocko it's always flocko but to have that desire at 60 for you guys who put down drugs and talk shit or whatever listen it's all in your heart man the drugs don't do nothing the drugs just help this journey get smoother or get harder the decision is up to you but you still got to have a fucking something a target in sight you still got to have a fucking goal in sight and when this motherfucker told me at 64 that he was moving back to new york to start a band i was sad because i was going to miss him but i also knew that you have three fucking lives in this life you have like 10 lives in this life you can make you know one day you're a photographer making millions the next day you're in a fucking band you know but you're living your

fucking life you know and i wish at 65 i had the balls to try something new so i love you mic and i want these guys to give you the fucking respect you deserve if you see mic pick up his groceries and walk them home you know what i'm saying you actually you actually well i'm gonna i'm keeping a little bit close to the cop with some of the stuff but but here's a funny thing if you want to talk about the way life can be just insane if you just wake up every fucking day and by the way the case whoever takes the joey ds is this lazy you know even in the worst of times this this fucking guy would be he'd be calling me at like 7 30 in the morning you know and i'm going like what are you doing up at this hour i mean we were out till 2 o'clock you know and uh he's up

at 7 30 and he's writing every morning and every time his career was going you know it was like boom oh by the way industry years okay so if anybody's thinking about starting something he would get up we would drive you know only drive to the comic store pick up 20 bucks what were you making there i mean yes other players for 40 bucks and then we drive out to the fucking newland empire okay and we go out we had to go to his comedy club we had to go to a metal detector okay what can i touch it and and i don't know we make 50 bucks and we spent 50 bucks in gas to get there uh and uh uh it was that that this guy would get up and play for nothing because that's essentially what he was doing but he would play because that was his act and he was sharpening

his fucking act and the same fucking story when the Beatles got to the they went to fucking Germany and played every night for six hours a night and so on and so on everything you do could be done at any point in your life when you make a decision and there were times which i mean what was it every six months you know come on i'm gonna go call the fourth store because you know i'm gonna call the fourth store i'm gonna tell the fourth store but you know i'm gonna go i'm gonna go i'm gonna go i'm gonna go work four days a week and stuff and i'm gonna come and i'd look and i'm gonna go you ain't got no fourth store and then you call back the next day you know i interviewed at the and i go you ain't got no fourth store he made a decision that if he was going to be successful

this is what he was going to do come hell or high water however he had to survive and he's very lucky because he had an incredible along the way an incredible woman in terry quark and uh and i think that's part of what made it work but it was determination and the reason i'm telling you that story is because when i came out here the guys that came out to start the band with they got i'm working with i'm working with two black guys and a white kid that sounds black okay and and i mean i'm this music is coming out and i'll say you know i haven't sent you anything you know you put a bench up there and you know you won't believe you when you're playing on the fucking show you know so is there a band name yet or not yet you got a band you got a band name

yet or no no no no no no no we're uh what happened is i just got back we locked ourselves in a house because denny king i got here's what i got i got denny king steve woolley and will tyler will tyler's 25 years old and he raps and denny king is it plays every instrument and he's one of these wizards on on the pro tools and steve woolley took place bass and keyboards nobody reads a note of music and you will not believe the woolley says like but more importantly these guys are like 40 years old 25 years old and for some reason we hit a chemistry and and i'm doing lyric and melody and stuff and and i'm playing with these guys and we wrote we were in this guy's house for two weeks i just got back when you called me last night after two weeks we laid around

like old school you know we're smoking weed and uh uh drinking coffee no bad drugs guys don't do bad drugs they don't even drink i'm the only one who drinks a little bit you know especially when you're doing vocals and uh and we leave it and you know we got the tv screen on with like you know the like the world dumbest criminals you know shit like that you know and and we're writing beautiful and we're writing love songs who are writing uh it's uh and everything's different but it's it's been a process i've never experienced anything like this in my life this is not what i came out to do they came out to rejoin some guys my age maybe one of their kids and that time we got a good song out of that well you figure out who the fucking you figure out who the

fucking savages are look you went out there to be with somebody else and you went out there for to do something you ended up doing something else but the bottom line is you took a fucking chance uncle mike and at the end of the day like uh like uh like uh like uh in the first rocky movie remember i take a shot you gotta take a shot if not you took a shot if you don't take a shot you're never gonna fucking know mike i got a boogie i love you cock sucker when you get the song off send it in these motherfuckers don't want to hear you i'll call you in a while i'm saying i'll send you some love all right cool we'll put it we'll put it up here lee say hello to the flying juice say hello cock sucker bye mike i love you mike hey how you doing lee uh i'll find out

who you are soon as well where all the dust settles because it caused me last night at midnight it says good call you i'm feeling a morning all right i love you my buddy that's uh that's the real fucking deal there i mean for you motherfuckers don't know what to do with your life at 65 this guy left 64 because yeah you think like even at my age like i'm thinking oh i gotta get the job is going and i can't be like i don't want to mess up my credit score and you gotta live your life guys you gotta live your fucking life don't worry about joe rogan or joe dears or uh this guy or that guy you gotta live your fucking life guys and go out there and give it everything you got and if you fail fuck it you get up every day that's what i tell you fucking guys every day you have a new chance

of doing whatever the fuck you want to do hit them with that fucking dog solo from david gilmore because i love this fucking song this is the backbone some kid keeps hitting me up going what's the pink floor shall we try sent them on animals now i'm going to put them on metal and then we're going to move up to wish you were here but let's kick it this guitar solo by david gilmore are you fucking kidding me people you could feel the pain right there you listen to this shit people this is yeah roger wall is this and this but listen to this fucking

heart in this right here he's just beating the fuck out of this motherfucker with his phone for you mother fuckers that are confused and want to hit me back listen to this guy's version this listen to this kick it now lose control kick it you reap the harvest you have sown you dirty motherfuckers claim responsibility it's wednesday you bad motherfuckers i want to thank my kessler again for calling lee the flying jew october 11 we're in portland fucking oregon this week where i'm in a arizona

with joy and death squad and the boys i'll be there only friday and saturday because i gotta go to uh i gotta go back and go to new york and all this shit but we're gonna do a special edition church friday morning yeah six o'clock a little gambling thing we're gonna help you out maybe a couple football picks i'm gonna try to have some lunatic call-ups and that's fucking it man i'm happy you guys are tuning into the church of what's happening now you guys please subscribe we want to get to the top of the fucking charts and kill everybody thank you for supporting ari sheffir and his number one cd demetrius mark knocked him out yes i love demetrius but we got to put fucking our ari back because he's the king of the fucking jews we're gonna keep him up there till what's the next

holoca yarmulke yarmulke yarmulke we're gonna keep him next to fucking hamukah on top of that me and aria doing the chicago house of blues november 8th on a thursday night fuck work on friday on the night come on out tickets on sale it's half sold out already we got a few tickets left but this show's gonna fucking rock you got the number one fucking cd and joe motherfucking diaz the savaging heat slinging dick with clean fucking nuts because that's the most important thing wash that dick till they wash your ass oh cleanliness is next to godliness motherfuckers for you guys don't know and that applies to the jews and you fucking arabs to wash that fucking pussy i love you motherfuckers the armenians the germans i love you's all don't forget lisa yeah what's going on

what do you have to tell you speak when you think you're looking for me that the fucking mouth i'm just laughing and all the dude we have to make up a new a new calendar with your sayings and then don't be the new the holidays yarmulke yarmulke yarmulke you know what i'm talking about you pick up a fucking envelope you juke that's all that matters grandma put you in the fucking will i love you guys for listening i'm sorry i went fucking astray today but that's the best thing about having a podcast the most important thing is the church of what's happening now we fucking got you lee we got these motherfuckers you got the dates if you're looking for t-shirts i'm gonna restool i'm gonna restool i'm gonna refuel refuel i'm gonna fucking restock the joint pretty soon

with the new sayings and some church t-shirts we gotta get rid of these go to joeycoco diaz.net beauty and the beast don't forget tonight we got a podcast tonight at the ice house i think so i think they're doing the podcast but besides i don't know what else to fucking tell you lee we had a great week so far i booked the commercial i worked out i went to the doctor i'm getting the blood test i'm gonna get healthy you know i'm up to like 305 i put on some fucking weight because my wife is pregnant and all she does is have fucking i went to eat fruit last night i like to eat fruit before i go to bed yeah so comes out yeah the fucking bananas were fucking ripe i hate right but i hate like when they got brown spots on them oh eat the banana and cut around the brown

spot oh i don't like that shit it drives me fucking a box i think that's a bad guy i think because i do that too i'm a little bit of an excuse enough to eat it oh i gotta cut out the banana oh i hate that i like my bananas with a little green on them i like them fucking strong hard like a black cock fucking fear of a black fuck what music you have to tell these people up to let's do baby let's do baby let's see what they got i love you guys see you friday morning thank you very much thanks to mike kessler for the inspiration this morning and like i said live your fucking life guys who gives a fuck about fucking the office shit shows anyway get a grip motherfucker yeah this album is dedicated all the teachers that told me i'm never looking like the

guy from the office little chubby guy and shit he's starting to look like i'm kind of like i love you lisa yeah thank you very much for being here to find you follow my twitter mad flavor i love you guys see you friday have a great day it was all a dream here we go it always starts with a fucking dream motherfucker what what what the weather you control your fate motherfucker here we go oh shit bamboo sipping on private stock when i had the red and black lumberjack with the hat to match remember rapping do the hot the hot oh shit time to get up like the world trade born center the opposite of a winner what it's fucking wednesday get up out of those nuts

uh