Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 10/06/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #117

Episode Date: October 7, 2013

Joey and Lee solo on a special edition lords day podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/06/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands if it shows anytime, anywhere on your tv, pc, smart phone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and buy dollashaveclub.com. Get high quality raises into your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church that's dollashaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollashaveclub banner. Rockin' the fuckin' house on a Monday blast that motherfuckerly. What? Oh shit. Oh, shit. Get it together, Lee. What the fuck is this? This joint ain't fucking rolling, right?

What's happening, baby? Nothing, dude. I'm fucking, I had a good weekend. I haven't seen you in a fucking week. Yeah, since Monday. It's been crazy, huh? Tuesday, the Storytellers show. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. That's a fucking cheater. It's been a hell of a week, guys. I'm sorry. Fuckin' Monday, September, what? October? October 7th. 7th tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you kidding me or what? Poop, poopy, doop. Fucking tremendous. It's been a great week. Sorry we didn't do a Wednesday podcast. That was part of it. I mean, I started on a movie. I got six days. Tuesday's my last day. So Monday's podcast, we don't have it. We're gonna give you one Sunday night, which is really Monday. So it's the Lord's

Day Spectacular. So it's a good night to smoke some weed and read the fucking Bible, rub your feet, do whatever it is you do. It's gonna be a fucking good week. You know who said so? You said so, cocksucker. That's how it goes. Don Lee, what's happening with your little brown golf shirt? You're looking handsome. You're the heck out with mama today. Yeah, dude, I'm really happy right now. I don't know you are. You're having sex, you're eating. You fucking take the blender, which I do. Well, I couldn't bet against you what I knew. You didn't look enthused. You don't have it. You just don't, you're in love. What are you doing? You got the Spanish chicks out. Yeah, you can't show up with a green milkshake. It's, and we were talking about it before and it's something that I've struggled

with for literally my entire life. And I know there's a lot of people. So this is why I wanted to talk about it because you were nice and you were talking, we were talking off air because you care about me, but I want it like it's, it's something that I've struggled with. No, no, I wasn't being nice. You know, I don't give a fuck about you. You're staring at a little jukebox sucker, but I love you. And I knew when you were starting this shake that I could tell by your enthusiasm. You didn't like it. Now, you ever seen me eating that? Some inner vegetables are good for you, but you know, it's a waste of time. Mike Dolce is one of my closest friends. Yeah, I love, but I don't like fucking Queen O. Queen O, whatever that shit is. I'm not going to fucking eat it.

I don't like fucking gluten-free fucking pasta. I'm not going to fucking eat it. You know, I'm not going to eat bread and I watch what I eat. I went from 415 to 418 to 270. I'm up to three of fucking 10, 311 now. I'm stuck too. But you ain't going to see me drink no green shit because that's not how you're going to drink and eat when you're on the street. You look so yeah, I do is how to fucking compose yourself. Instead of eating two double fucking whoppers, you eat one without the fucking fries. You follow me? You could eat, but you got to eat and that's what I have in two, bro. And I could blame the food and I could blame, I could blame dating someone, but it's not that it's like I, I'm never really enthused about anything that

involves losing weight. Like I've gotten lucky. I'm not a drug person. I'm really not a drinking person. You don't drink at all. You didn't drink every once in a while, but we put the girl you know, we have, we joke around. We have fucking tequila in the freezer and like little beers in there that's been in there for months. It's not really my thing. Food has always been my thing. And the other thing it is, is it's laziness, but it's selective laziness. Like I work a lot and I do that, but I'm late. They're just working out has never been my thing. And what you were saying it's true. It has to become my thing. It has to, that has to be something I can do that I'll enjoy. You see the picture I posted the other day from my school, the basketball one basketball. Yeah.

You were tiny. Look at my legs. I fucking hate it. I hate it. I used to buy those magazines to be big. Yeah. And to lift weights and shit. So my mother had these sliding doors, just how you have the ones that you pull out. Okay. So instead of being 56 inches, they become 26 inches horizontally. Okay. And I would put it on two chairs. And I would get dumbbells, the ones made out of concrete. And I would do fucking pulls, bench presses. And I would do one arm pulls, and I would do curls, and I would do shoulder presses, and I would do jumping jack. So at that age, I tried to put muscle on, because I wanted to be a forward in high school. And I couldn't put muscle on because of the amount of fucking cardio

I did. You know, I could play fucking 19 basketball games a day. You've seen North Bergen. You know, I was telling people that about a month and a half ago, six weeks ago, I went to the doctor and he did one of those things where they fucking do your heart. Even better. They did the better one. Because they did it for my knee. That's how they see when you have tendons broken and all that shit. He did one till my heart. When I met him three days later, he goes, I got to tell you something that shocked me about you, but all your cocaine stories this shit, your heart is as strong as a bull. Then I went home that weekend, a week before, a week after, and I looked down the hills and I seen those fucking hills, those monster hills in North Bergen. I walked on those fucking hills. So

I was so skinny, even though I was lifting heavy weights and eating and drinking milkshakes, it was hard for me to put on weight till about I was 17. Then I started putting on muscle weight, because I stopped playing basketball and I stopped riding my fucking bicycle. So it's reverse. You know what I'm saying? I've been telling you, out of all the evils, what have I been pushing on you since I met you? Working out. Gotta work out. Yeah. And I'll tell you why, because working out for you is better on paper than what you think it is. What do you mean by that? Working out is so fucking good for you on so many levels, especially on the creative level, especially if you deal with people, especially if you, you can come to me and go,

Joey, I have an idea for this, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'll tell you, you know what, it is a good idea. It's just missing something. And you, as a man, go, you're right, it's missing something. You know, I'll find the answer at the YMCA when I'm hitting the bag, when I'm on the bicycle, and I'm pedaling for 35 minutes on the epileptical, because your body's doing something. You don't want to do it. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I win fucking two times. I win because I went, and I win because I went. Do you follow me? When I go to get acupuncture on Tuesdays, I win two times. I win because I go, and I win because I overcome my fears. My Jiu-Jitsu fears being on my back and not breathing, I still get fucking scared. I'm not gonna lie to you.

I didn't go to Jiu-Jitsu last week, because I couldn't. All the hours I worked on that fucking movie till that time, you know? But that's just the way it is. That's why I do those certain things. Now, you know, I went to kickboxing. I broke my fucking toe. I didn't like that there were headhunting in there. Now what I do is I go to Jiu-Jitsu. I go to the Y and do the epileptical, because I want to raise my metabolism up again. I'm fucking 50. I got no metabolism. What raises my metabolism when I get on that fucking bicycle, I want to go for fucking walks with the carriage with my daughter in a daytime, and I walk faster to raise my heart rate, you know what I'm saying? Even on the epileptical, you could judge your heart rate and whatnot. So I

win twice. In your position, when I leave here in the mornings from that podcast, right away, you're dressed, even if you smoke these fucking joints with me, and walk around your block two times and then increase it to three, which you're right by then. Listen to those fucking Jiu-Jitsu jumping up and down from Israel, you're like, that's what it's all about. And you'll be walking. It's outside. It's sunny out. The sun's out and you're getting vitamin D. Plus when your legs move and your arms move, man, you get fucking creative. You think of things. I don't know what it does to your mind. I could sit here and read a webpage and lie to you people and what it does, but you know what I'm talking about. Like I told you before that the fucking podcast was turned

on. Do you think everybody you see running or bicycling or going to the gym likes working? No, so they don't. They've made it a part of their life because they know it makes their life better. And because I pushed this on my wife and I pushed on everybody. I may be a fat fuck, but my head is sharp. And you know why it's sharply? Because one hour a day I take care of me, whether it's stretching, whether it's going to yoga. I think looking at people when they have their phones in the gym and I feel so bad for them. I feel so bad for somebody when they have their cell phone in the gym. Why? Because they're not giving themselves an hour. They're not giving themselves no respect. One fucking hour. Listen, I live with fear of something happening to my

daughter. My daughter's fucking nine months. You know, my daughter does all day. She falls. She gets up and she falls on her ass. And every three or four falls, she lay in sideways and she bangs her head. Well, eventually after one or two of them, all those bangs, she's going to crack her fucking head open one day and they're going to need two stitches. But I know that me turning my phone off at the Y for one fucking hour and leaving it in the fucking car ain't going to change that. And she ain't going to die. One is there with her and she's in this area right here. So she's not going to fall. If there's an earthquake, I get in my car and go right to fuck home. Do you understand me? But that one hour off the phone is for you. It's for you not

to look at your Twitter. You're not to look at your Facebook. You're not to look at your stupid emails for you to overcome you. That one hour at the fucking gym. I've never disrespected nobody and brought that phone into the gym. Never since I've been going to YMCA ever. As my wife, I refuse to because it's disrespect to you. That's why you go to YMCA. That's why you go to a gym. That's why you go for a run to establish the high of you. That's you. That's what makes you go down there. And I'm guilty of smoking a couple of bong hits and going to fucking gym. I need to. You know, I need to. I'm an only child living in my fucking head. But I'm still experiencing me. I don't even want to go to acupuncture. I don't bring a fucking cell phone in there.

So you go to a Y, leave it, you like and you look at the classes they have to offer. It doesn't have to be the YMCA, bro. It could be 24 hour fitness. You look at your schedule and you get something started. For the first month, you put a chart on your wall and you take a walk every day. Some days you walk to Chandler. Some days you walk to fucking Ventura. Some days you walk to Magnolia. You do that for a month. If you do that for a month, you drink water. You know, we all know what we're doing wrong when we go to a restaurant, to chips and salsa. We all fucking know. And if it means going to Weight Watches and counting your points and whatever it could be, you know, or maybe get the Dolce book. I'll give you the book again. You eat that stuff if you like that stuff.

But when are you going to take this Mexican chick to a fucking restaurant? And you're going to go, let me get red quinoa, whatever the fuck is in there. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? So these are all specialized recipes that you have to make at home. I love my Dolce, but guys like you and me, I'm on the fucking move. At the fucking Thursday, I'm on a fucking plane. This is when it gets difficult. This is where it gets tough. For me, it gets easier. Because I know for breakfast, I can get oatmeal at the hotel. And I know I can get a fucking whole wheat fucking turkey on white at the hotel. And I know for lunch, I get a salad at the comedy club. Usually when I go on the road, I lose fucking weight. I don't drink alcohol. Do you follow me? So there's cookies I

eat. You know, when I come home and my wife has fucking those little individual cookies she buys for her lunch and then I eat one, I don't do that on the road because I'm not gonna buy fucking. You don't have a car, so you can't let go. No, I really take care of myself on the road. When I go to a hotel, when they send me the addendum and I look at the shit, I look at the hotel and right away I click on online. Ooh, they got a heated pool. I put the bikini with me. Ooh, they got this. I bring that with me. So I already know I bring my iPod everywhere. So I know just in case I can fucking walk. Remember, when you have an iPod, you can walk from here to fucking attorney as long as you have a fucking number in your mouth.

See, because it hasn't been an issue for you. I've never liked working out. Have you liked it more since you've done the stuff with Burdici? I liked it more after, all right, I stopped working out in 97 when I left Seattle. I moved in with Josh Wolf. I didn't do shit. I walked and that's when my sleep happened. It was starting to kick in. If I think back, it was like 98 when it started kicking in. 99, 2000. Gavin Boyd, who was my friend at the time, told me that I was snowing a lot and blah, blah, blah. I started dating Terry. Before that, I was dating this girl and she told me one time. She goes, you're snowing really loud. I had to sleep in the other room two nights in a row.

I don't mean to say that you should maybe check it out or whatever the fuck it was. That whole time, I wasn't working out. Then I met Terry, moved in with her, and I remember that. The sleep apnea was alive and kicking, and there was one point that I booked a Pendwell commercial. Now, the whole time, Terry didn't have a scale. We didn't have a scale at the house. I didn't know what was going on. Okay. And I remember that. I lived in Seattle. I was probably about 220. Okay. When I graduated high school, I was 197. I was a big kid, but I was a bodybuilder type guy, the squads and all that shit. And then I moved to Aspen. I got to 213. Then I moved back to Jersey

up to 95. I was working out maybe twice a week, three times a week, shit like that, you know. What was the phone number? None here. The fuck was the phone ringing? So I didn't really work out until about 2005. But in 2002 or 2001, I booked a Pendwell commercial, and Josh Wolfard got in his deal from Fox. And I called him out when I told him I needed money for clothes, and he gave me 500 bucks. And I went to that suit place on Hollywood Boulevard, and I bought three suits, three shirts, a pair of shoes, for $250. I got home, I put a suit on for a commercial audition. About a month later, I went to put the suits on. They didn't fit around my stomach. I couldn't button them, even if I pushed my stomach in. That's how much weight I gained

in six weeks, guys. Think about that. Usually you gain weight, you can tuck your stomach in and go, wow, that's weird, oh my god, I must be holding the water. You know, no, no, I gained that much weight that I couldn't put that clothes on. Then I didn't fucking work out. I didn't do shit, right? But I remember going to the doctor for sleep apnea, and I remember getting on this scale, dog, and saying I was at 288 pounds. No. Yeah. In a year? In a couple fucking years, I was at 288. Or maybe even more. I don't know, maybe I'm lying to you people. It was maybe more. I don't even know why 288's in my fucking head, because I got up to 418. And at 288, yes, that's what happened. I was 288. The next time I looked at the scale, I was 350. And then after that, I was like, I'm never going to, I don't

know what's going to happen. Well, I'm a keybeat. And I went up to, from 203 to 205, which when the blow, not sleeping the sleep apnea in my diet, when I did the longest yard, we went to the table read, we had to go into another room and get our blood pressure taken. And once I got my blood pressure taken, they had to make fucking calls. Because that's how high my blood pressure was. They had to make calls and see if it was okay if I went down the plane. So I lied to them. I took some medication that I had with me. And I relaxed and it went down. And they said it's okay. But I remember getting on the scale of the doctor's office when I started the longest yard, that was 411 pounds. The day I left for fucking Santa Fe, New Mexico, I was 411 pounds late.

Snorting a gram of blow at night. You know, eating, drinking like a fucking savage. That's no shit right there. That's crazy. And then when I got back from the longest yard was in, but when I went to New Mexico was when I started lifting and fucking around a little bit. Because you had so much free time? I had a lot of free time and everything was around me for all the football players and the football players. But I wasn't doing the right things. But at least I was moving. I wasn't doing nothing like that up here. At least I was doing curls and doing push-ups and doing sit-ups. And they were teaching me stuff to do with the ball. I didn't know what I was doing. I wasn't doing nothing strenuous. I know that. I know I was doing push-ups. I know I was doing

lifting. And that's no good. I was lifting heavy like they won't notice my stomach if my biceps have a vein of them. You know, it's for fucking stupid shit. And then that's when I, when I got back I went to the Y and in those days you signed up for the Y and they assigned you a trainer. Okay. And that trainer took you upstairs one day and he told you, he gave you a health evaluation and he told you what you needed. And I'll never forget he was a little gay guy that was cool as fuck. And he walked me in and I used to smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. This is... Three? Yeah. This is, and if I did blow I would smoke another pack and a half. Fuck. I wouldn't smoke the whole things. I would smoke them and then just put them on. When you wake up in the morning there'd be a

mountain of half-smoked cigarettes in my fucking ass tray. So I went in there. Probably January of 2006. And I'm walking to the YMC after living across the street for five years. Yeah, you showed me. Five years I lived across the street. Never dreamed of going into the YMC. It was the last fucking... And I'm not talking about people. I'm not talking down the block or block away. I'm talking about, I lived a cry. If I looked out my window as the YMC fucking A, knowing I was sick, knowing I was gonna die, I wouldn't walk across the fucking street though. And then I went down and I put me on the treadmill at 0.5. Not even 1.5, but 0.5. Going that way uphill. To speed like a three. And he had to shut it off for four fucking minutes.

Four fucking minutes. The motherfucker shut it off and said, you've got to get off and sit down. He went and he came back and he was like, let's talk, let's be honest. He got to quit smoking cigarettes and then come back and see me. He almost just had a heart attack. It was that bad? It was that bad. Fuck. And I didn't mean... Well, how has the testosterone thing changed free? Because that's a big thing right now. But sitting here going, I'm sitting here thinking about getting off it because I want to see what the difference is. I'm still fucking sore. Okay. I go to the gym, listen, I can go to the Y four nights a week, but I don't because I want to mix it up. So now I

go to the kettlebell gym, which has the TRX ropes and all that shit. I go there twice a week, I go to Jiu Jitsu twice, and I'm going to do the Stairmaster twice, the Epileptical twice. If I get to two or three Jiu Jitsu's I should burn. The problem with Jiu Jitsu when I go is I was putting too much calorie intake on the Jiu Jitsu burn. So I was eating double because I'm going to Jiu Jitsu's heart. You sweat a lot. When I go to Jiu Jitsu, that fucking shirt is drenched. That jacket is fucking drenched. You want some of this? No, but you're gonna say I want to fuck him off of you. This jacket is drenched. That fucking T-shirt is drenched. My knee pads are drenched. My pants are fucking drenched. You know, you fucking get drenched. And that's the other

aspect of it. You gotta sweat. Sweat is good for you. Sweat is very fucking good for you. It's I think in my heart, it's one of the best things when you sweat and how good you feel. Like the first 10 minutes when your pores open and your sweats come out, it's terrible. You smell some taste of wild shit. Then after that, or at least it appears that your sweat is kind of weird, you know. And then after that, the more you sweat, that thickness goes away. But if I don't sweat every fucking day, like tomorrow I gotta do something, but I gotta be a worker 715 tomorrow. I'm on the set at 715 tomorrow morning. So I gotta work out tomorrow night. So I gotta work all day. Tomorrow I gotta fall downstairs. This is one of the Disney movies I

do with Dean Cain. Like I ran up the fucking flat upstairs 15 fucking times. You think I want to go to the gym tomorrow night? But I still gotta start going to fucking Jiu-Jitsu. So I gotta go to Jiu-Jitsu. The only way to get your endurance better is to do it. I gained a lot of respect for people who, because the schedules that people who work like regular jobs have and then still go, I can't even imagine it. And I don't know, the only thing I've ever really liked doing is riding a bike. And the thing is, drivers are crazy here, so I need to find a place to do it. Can't ride a bike. You're doing shit that you can't do. How about riding a bike in here? Putting a bike in here, look at the Israeli flag. Put your little friends on and jump around.

Look straight for 35 minutes to start off. That's not a bad idea. Not five minutes, but you're not going to buy a bike and put it up here. Because that's going to last for a week, because there's no motivation. There's nobody to push you. You know, the other day I went to the Y. Not last night, but the night before. So I got up Saturday. My wife and me, I had the day off. So we went, did something in the morning. I took her for breakfast, you know. And then the afternoon we went. We went somewhere to shop for the baby. And then we went to go to Arcadia, to go to my friend's soccer game. That little girl. And from there we went to JR's, which is I love the food there. Again, I had a couple of chicken tortilla soup,

which out of all the evils, had the least calorie intake. You know, chicken tortilla had like 300 calories. The chili had 600 calories. I know from Weight Watch, there's a couple of fucking chilies, eight points, like chili's taboo. I got the Chinese chicken salad, which again, the salad's heavy because there's shit in there. Yeah, the dressing. But it's better than eating a cheeseburger with a fucking triple strawberry cake. Yeah. You know, I don't like those salads from that place you go to. Oh, yeah. Well, that's terrible for you. That's terrible for you. But there's different, you know, years ago, what got me motivated on the other end was reading an article about how diet is 60% of your weight

loss. You could run from here to fucking eternity. The reason why I tell you is to get your metabolism going. Yeah. Just start with the running and still eat what the fuck you're eating for four or five weeks. And then one day you'll come to me, you know, when I walked from fucking my arms to Lord King and to fucking whatever. And I walked home, I got on the scale and I lost a pound all week. And I'm gonna say to you, close your eyes and what did you really eat? Yeah, exactly. You're gonna go, I get it. Like I kept it at a normal level, not normal, it was big, but it wasn't as bad when I was living in Boston, I could walk around. But do you ever, and this isn't a pot like I shouldn't be thinking this way because it's not going to help anything.

But I'm so jealous of the people who don't have to work out. I fucking would trade anything. I would trade like 10 years of my life, like the people who don't have to work out. No, you don't, because it's part of your journey. I just told you, you know, some people like to go on a corner and cross their knees and put their hands on go. And whatever, everybody got a different way to get in touch with whatever the fuck we got to get in touch with to move forward. For guys like me and you, sometimes a little run, which one will kill you? That sucks. Well, I think I said to you, jump in the pool. Yeah.

I think I've been telling you all summer, you just threw away three months, because now it's cold. You're gonna jump in that fucking pool. It's freezing. I wouldn't jump in the pool. But in fucking July, you could have done some pushups, ran a little bit, you know, and then gone in there warm. And that's the way you get used to it. I tell you, you run in the fucking pool, you do three laps in a pool, four, five, you run back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. After a while, you're gonna lose weight. The pool's great. It burns the most calories per fucking minute. Now they're coming up with all this shit, but everybody knows and you don't, they say you're injury free, and you can pull all the fucking capacities of your elbow movement and your knee

move. That's why when you recover before and after a knee surgery, they want you in there, because your knees go up at slow impact. You know what I'm saying? You got a lot of fucking options. You're the king of your own fucking destiny. No, it don't make sense. Fuck that green shake. Take your vitamins, jump up and down, drink water, get some good sleep, and cut the shit. Stop with the potato chips. You don't think you, you smell like potato chips. Where's the music? Where's I want to be around? It's Monday fucking morning. We got to get people up, get up, do a jumping jack. You're fucked. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Life is fucking in front of you, sitting there thinking about, I don't know what the fuck you're thinking about. I don't know,

maybe you should go to ITT Tech. There ain't nothing for your ITT Tech life, you fuck. They're going to teach you about how to move a wrench. Get the fuck, you're going to get up, go get a job, we're going to gun do something, but you can't just fucking sit there. Where's Tony Bennett? Where's the reefer? You're going to smoke some reefer with younger Joey, you're going to sit there. You smoked all the reefer. Where is it? You took it all? No, I didn't. I left everything here. Oh my goodness, you took all, you smoked everything. I didn't smoke anything. When? Where's my reefer? What'd you do with the concept? You sold it to the max? Which one of your bitches called this week? No one called. I'm working,

I spend the other time with a girlfriend. Don't be lying to me, you got a couple of bitches. She'd kill me. Probably and her mother would kill me. We would. Oh, Lee, look at the mother. He's trying on the mother and you want to smoke some of this? I'm upset. We mean you're all set, we're just getting them warmed up. It's the fucking Lord's Day slash Monday morning somewhere. You got to get fired up. Let's see if the fucking puzzle fits. Look at that piano again. What's with the music? What's with the music? Enough. I'm getting all sentimental here.

That's a good jam. Let me tell you what happened last week. So last week, last Tuesday, Ari Shafir did a story teller show and it was off the fucking chain. A kumijanjani. What's his name? Kumil Nanjani. He was off the chain, Big J Operson. Good fucking show. Good story teller show. I'm going to tell you something about you guys and what else happened. We were going to do a show Friday morning. But the Mark Maron podcast came out and we were doing the Joe Rogan 400. I felt it was just too much fucking flavor. Lee, it was just too much. I don't need to hear myself talk that much. So we took a couple of days off and we're back like fucking HIV on a Tuesday. Whatever the fuck. I don't know.

So that's it, Lee. You got to put something together. You're a young kid. I want to see you do good. You know, I'm a 50 year old beat up fucking halfway then. I'm still alive. I'm jumping up and down for joy. But you're a young kid. You met this girl. You want to keep giving that fucking Juma rocker stick, right? You want to keep giving her the fucking Malook stick, right? Absolutely. All right. So you got to get in shape. You got to do push-ups. You got to do jumping jacks. You know, and right now yoga is not just go for it. Whatever you do, go for something that you're going to sweat and you're going to lose 60 pounds in three fucking months. You know, I got to do something. You got to do something. You got to do something. I don't appreciate it. And that's not a

quick face. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Let me see from the side. Let me see. Oh, bam. Let me see the other side. Bam. Look at that. What's the name of the guy who cut your hair? I don't know. Is this black chick? What was her name? I don't know. Who is that? Did you tip her? Supercuts. Yeah, absolutely. How much did you tip her? Four bucks. That's it. That's what they do. That's a supercut to 16. So you tip four to make it 20. Are you fucking crazy? You got to give them like a fin. Those poor people, they live on four dollars. They got a pick that comes in and takes two out of four. Did you know that shit? There's a fucking haircut. There's a supercut? Yeah, it comes in and takes two out of four from those poor fucking

people. You got to give them a couple dollars. I did. I gave them four. Give them a card for the church or what's happening now. You got the cards on you. What card? You didn't get the cards, cocksucker. Leave fucking sprung for a lady to come in and clean. This place looks like a fucking yeah. No, you got it. It's not that expensive, but I understand. So like I couldn't do it up until this point, but fucking I needed to do it and it's worth it. It's worth it. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, you're not a professional and you can work around this for a few weeks and make it come in. So she's going to come in once a month. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking 60 bucks, 15 bucks a week. At 720 a year. Yeah. And your house smells good. You feel good. You're looking better by yourself.

And the girls happy and yeah. So you're in love, cocksucker? Yeah. You give her a ring or anything? No. Not yet. Nothing? Not yet. And it's a, I've talked a lot about, um, I don't understand how people can stay home and do like the boring nine to five jobs. I still couldn't do it, but I could see if I had somebody like, like this and, and I decided, well, I could live on 50,000 a year. I'm out at every night at five and I get to go home and it's 15,000 a year. 50,000 a year. Like I'm like, I could live on that, but I'm out every night at five. I have all my weekends, free of all the holidays. I couldn't do it, but I can see how when people have someone like that, that they could do it. And you would put a ceiling over your head at 50,000 and sell the rest of your

life for that. That's what you're trying to do. No, I'm saying, I'm not, I'm saying I'm worth millions. Fucking secret storm. And that's what I always want people to realize. Next time somebody offers you $12 a job an hour, you're not college educated, maybe you may be college, think about it. You're putting a ceiling over your fucking life. And that's what you got to look forward to that every week. And then in six months, you're going to go into the game, we give you what 38% more, 38 cents, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's what you're going to do every fucking year. Go for something that you get that you could get what the fuck you're worth. Have you seen this? There's a commercial, I think it's like Lincoln financial or whatever the mutual one of those sites. And it's this guy,

he's saying, if you can get paid to do what you love, what would you do? And like, I would own a bakery, I would own a bookstore. And the guy's like, well, we can do that for you because you're going to pay yourself because then that isn't that what retirement should be. And it got me so depressed. I'm like, how would you wait till 65 to do that? Like there's a commercial that plays during football that's like, just wait until just wait till you know, why does those more there? And that's what they're waiting for today. I know today. Last Sunday, I got a call from a fucking friend of mine that I was very tight with high school and I go, where are you at? He goes, I'm at my neighborhood bar. I do this every Sunday during football season. I'm like, what the fuck,

guy? But you're unemployed. He's telling me I was unemployed. He's in between jobs, he's doing construction or whatever. Anyway, don't fucking put an income ceiling over your head, never. Don't ever do that. That's what killed me about having regular jobs. I don't even give a fuck if I make $1,000 a month. But all I know is if I make $6 an hour for you, that's not $1,000 a month. And some months are going to be bad. And some months are going to be booked, but you always get to fucking control that. You're in charge of your fucking life. It's scary. Like I fucking scary. Fuck yeah, it's scary. But you know what, Lee, we got together with nothing and we made little fucking videos and we did the video and we sold that and we fucking went on and we did this

and this and the CD and all escalated from that. Now we do the podcast and we have some fucking sponsors. And now it's only we sit back and eat lobster tails and throw shrimp at each other's fucking mouth. We still got to fucking work every day. But because we put the effort in the 18 fucking months, now that you get to see a little fucking with a daylight, that happens in life too. That happens in life all the fucking time. If you put the effort in the more you hang in with something the easier fucking gets, the percentages of shit gets fucking easy. Is it me? Or is it just like a bonfire? We're just breathing fucking on reefer in this room. It is. Look at this. I have the AC off. I can't I can't get to open the door. Why not? Just open the five minutes. It's

all right. I'll talk while you're walking over. Thank you. Do a couple of jumping jacks and get the fuck out. Because I'm never going to get my deposit back from this apartment. What deposit if you do what? If it stinks of weed. Open the fucking people. We think you're the only guy in this building that smokes weed. By the way, I saw a little fucking Asian girl walk out of your building Have you seen her? No. Oh my God. What the fuck are you thinking? This is why you gotta go by the pool. Look at the smoke. How it's coming out of the fucking apartment. Look at this fucking thing. Well, you're killing me here. You got me sitting in this fucking cesspool of studio. Yeah, turn the air on a little bit. You're killing me. You can't be smoking. Hey,

you want to take some weed or what? What do you want? Do you want to go back to the go back and lay down? Where are you going? I'm almost out of here. You're here with your By the way, I've been getting a lot of thank you emails. I mean, I get a lot of fucking emails about a lot of things and I like when you guys email me because you're involving us. You're thinking of this and I appreciate when we get either emails on the Gmail page or Facebook or Twitter or whatever fucking source you send them. But I've been getting a lot of emails of people thanking us for the different things. And you know what? Like I told you people, you know what? I'm a fucking, I used to be, I've never been a fucking whore. Okay. Like I told you, I don't

like selling shirts after a show. There's a lot of shit I'd like to do even though I could do it. Even when I was a fucking junkie, I wouldn't do it. Now I definitely don't fucking do it. You know what? I like doing a podcast and I really enjoy talking to you people. And you know what? I don't give a fuck if I get paid for this. I really like when you people come to the show and now at least you know if we're going to get along or hit it off. You know, you're not making a fucking mistake because you know what I'm about. You know what the flying juice is about, the juice knows what I'm about. Everybody knows what everybody the fuck is about here. But you know what? Now we've got a couple fucking sponsors. What was I talking about?

Probably the thank you emails. Yeah. Thank you emails. And people always say, well, thank you for, you know what? Dollar Shave Club is a great fucking product. I've been using them and switching the raises over and they work. You know, if a razor goes too long, no matter what manufacturer, it's going to go fucking dull. Well, you're supposed to change it every week. And every week. And you know what? I'm a lazy fucking juke. I give it like 10 fucking days when I get pissed off at people. You know what I'm saying? My wife is shaving her fucking monkey

with her legs because I know we got in the fucking shower. Plus I got one on the road with me. Dollar Shave Club is a great fucking bargain for nine fucking dollars or six dollars. Listen, go with the six dollars. You're broke. Go for 72 dollars a year, but at least you got a fixed income on your fucking shaving. Who the fuck has that? Governments don't fucking have that. When people come to you and people go, what's your budget a month? I don't know my budget is, bitch. But I know I spend 72 dollars a year on shaving products. That's minus the fucking shaving cream. I bought, I steal that from my sister. She uses it there. You know what I'm saying? You're putting air on your dick? No. Why not take the hair right off without shaving?

Because it, that can't feel good. That burns like melt hairs. It burns a little bit. So you're putting a lighter on your toe. Wait, do you shave your balls? No, but I'm saying that I had to. I would put it in there. I just recently shaved and I almost zipped my fucking dick. You know how to fucking shave it all in one? Yeah. I got, I started going swimming. I do the mommy and me swimming with the baby. And whenever you fucking swim in chlorine and shit, your head gets tough. So I conditioned this fucking head, but for some reason I was getting itchy fucking balls just because the hair was so dry and brittle down there, I wouldn't condition it. So I said, fuck it,

I kept forgetting to tell my wife to cut it. And one night I got so fucking aggravated, I just took the zip zip and I just went to town. I cut the afro down. Some sides are bigger than the other. And I zipped my dick and burnt like, you know, sometimes they burn you in the tail. Yeah. They do your ear. I did the same thing to my fucking helmet. So I never zipped it again on my own. I can't see. You can't fucking see down there. You got problems. You can't fucking see. You know what I'm saying? But Dollar Shave Club is a good value. Go to dollarshaveclub.com or go to joeydears.net. Press on the Dollar Shave link. What are you pressing there? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. $72 a fucking year. Or go for the dollar a month. I don't give a Frenchman's

fuck. It's not like I'm telling you you're getting a good fucking deal. The $12, what is it? $12 a month? $9. You live like a doctor. You get the peppermint wipes for your fucking cool. No, they're separate. They're separate, but they're fucking great. They're fucking good. Your asshole smells nice. I've been using them on the set because I don't wear underwear. I don't want my asshole to fucking smell bad. So I wipe my ass with a peppermint. The chicken costume is like, this chubby guy's asshole smells like fucking a mint julep. You know what I'm talking about? And the biggest part for me, like what we were just talking about, people who work a lot, it's in your mailbox. You don't have to go back to order it. Like a doctor. Right to your fucking house.

You go in there and strike that night. You don't have to shower. Just take that peppermint patty and wipe your little fucking helmet. You pull your skin back. You twist that fucking dick like a pop. You know, you take that little awful fucking beer. Yeah. How you twist it. You do the same thing to your helmet with that peppermint patty. Forget it. She sticks that peppermint patty in her mouth. It's like that mint fucking camera. What's that chocolate mint people used to bite and make them go fuck into convulsions? I don't know. What the fuck are you stretching your face for? Because you just said it. You ready for a cheapo chew one? No. You think I forgot I got a gummy bear. I'm aware you didn't forget about it. What do you got? What do you got over

there? None. I know you got some. What do you do with the gummy bears? Are you sure? Yes. I don't trust you. You came in here and you only gave me the gummy bears. I know you're not gonna eat them. It was all right. I got to watch you like a hug. We were gonna have a call tonight but fuck it since we haven't done this in a couple of days. I wanted just to go acapella with my main man, Lisa Yat. We're talking about that protein drink. Don't drink that no more. Take the fucking blender and just give it to the homeless. It has to. It wouldn't hurt as part of a good diet but I can't use it as a one quick fix. Oh it's a nightmare. Yeah and it works but it's. It tastes terrible. It's terrible. And you know what? I could see you doing it like once a day

with two meals and lifting or whatever exercise form you decide to fucking do. You're 25 you're a young man. You don't want to have diabetes. No that's left of my nightmare. You're in Jews don't have. Because I can't do anything. Once Jews don't have diabetes it's like animals that the rest of the Jews push it to the side and just wait for you to die so they can take it carpeting and shit. You know these fucking Jews don't take a fucking scab off an Iranian's toe. They don't give a fuck. So you imagine what they do to you. They take a fucking scab from an Iranian's toe and put that in that fucking hummus and give it to them. And give it to them. You would pick your fucking toenails. What do you do with the toenails when you finish what are you doing? You

eat them. No I don't. Yes you do. I still eat them. I leave them on the floor and I vacuum them up. You eat them? No I never ate them. Yes you do. Motherfucker. Oh god. Have you seen my toenails? I don't know. They got the fungi under the fucking nail. It's grown outward. My toenail looks, I don't even know what it looks like. It looks like a shovel filled with shit in there and I have to scrape it out and it's like bonnacle fucking juice. It's goomy and shit. So that adds the flavor. I don't want no flavor in my toe. What do you mean people suck my fucking toe for a living? What's wrong with you? Get it together. So what do you want to do? What do you want to start? You want to start running on the streets? I can't. See that's a thing.

I'm fifty. All right. My simple fucking day. You know I love Special K for breakfast. I love cereal for breakfast. I love a piece of fucking fruit for breakfast you know. My lunch. My lunch is a little complicated because I go home and sometimes either I eat leftovers or I just got the easiest thing which is tuna on white or a fucking ham and cheese sandwich on white or mayonnaise and a big piece of tomato and lettuce. No chips. No, no, no side stuff. See that's what I do. I just don't believe in fries or nothing you know. My wife made cheese burgers this week. You know it's not like I put shit on it. I put a real onion and a piece of cheese and you know and mustard. So it's eight points. You know it's not the fucking

like getting out juice that they put on it and not burger that's and I'll tell you Lee I don't even like fucking burgers no more. Around here I'm sick of these fucking all the great. You know why I don't like the burgers? Why? Because there's nobody has a good fry. Yeah, that's true. Have you thought about that? Think about where the fuck we live. We don't have a good fry. You know who's got a good fry? Who? Jerry's Deli. You gotta get the steak fries. Who's got nobody else got a fucking steak fry with my cheese burger. I want a fucking steak fry. We got nothing to talk about. You give me those skinny fries. I think I got a flu. I don't want those skinny fucking fries. I don't like them from fucking in and out. I don't like them from

five guys burgers. I don't like none of those. Five guys isn't bad. The French fries suck. They're better than in and out. The fucking burger. The fry has to compliment the burger. The fucking burger don't compliment the fucking fry. So if you're gonna make a nice fry from you, you gotta make those fries. Have you ever took a Korean up the corner from the fucking? No, you've told me about it. From the divine wellness. I gotta take you in there on time. They make nice fruit, natural shakes. They even do the shit you do, the green stuff. But they have a steak sandwich. They take like a cheese steak, but they shrink it. Their way is mayonnaise, tomato, lettuce, and cheese. I tell no cheese, no mayonnaise. Just put the tomato,

and I put Frank's hot sauce on it. It's not bad, but I really go for the French fries. Because the French fries are the crinkle cut ones. I go once every fucking six months. I used to go there for the chicken teriyaki. I have chicken teriyaki and salad because they put a good sesame seed dressing on the salad, but the chicken teriyaki is so fucking bad there. Oh no. Yeah, they give you like the toes and the fucking kidneys and the shit. Next thing you know, you're biting into shit. It's got blood in it. I don't need that aggravation. And they're nice people. The girls are great and stuff like that. Another nice place that has a great chicken teriyaki lunch is Sushi Dan on Ventura. They've got the lunchbox, chicken, white meat with some

rice and some salad. If you want, you get two pieces of fucking white tuna. Just to get the party started, to get your sushi. You like sushi, don't you? I love sushi. Sushi, you can eat tons of it. Do jumping jacks. You're a savage, but you're also going to drop $10,000 a day because when it was the last time you ate sushi, that was cheap. What? What? What? I can't do that grocery store sushi. It's disgusting. Oh no, no. Listen, if you do grocery store sushi and blood comes out of your asshole, you deserve it. You should die on fucking contact, but I don't want you to die. I just want you to bleed out of one of your fucking nipples. You know what I'm saying? If you buy sushi at a supermarket, I don't even want you around because you're a fucking dummy.

Eventually, you just play in Russian and you're like, how are you going to eat fucking sushi that's been sitting there, raw fish, that's some fucking white dude with fucking gummy fingers. It's probably in a halfway house. He scratches balls and now they train them how to do sushi. Comes out of prison. His name was Chuck. My house name is fucking Chino. And he's trying. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you going to eat that? I took it home from my wife and both of these are going to get sick. Nothing. You got to eat that shit fresh, dog. And even then, you got to be fucking wary. You don't know what the fuck you're eating with sushi at the time. Is there a good sushi in San Francisco? If I had a cigar, I'd probably fucking put it in your forehead.

Why? Because of a dot. And when people look at you, they say, is he Jewish? Or is he a Hindu? Or do we have to stab this motherfucker? Yeah, they got sushi. It's next to the ocean. I know they have it. Is it good? You know what? My little brother, I don't remember eating it. I thought about that too. You know, whenever I go up there, it's such an Italian concentration. Is it really? Yeah, they got good Italian food there, like a motherfucker. Good pizza, good spaghetti and meatballs, good fish. San Francisco is a very well-versed food for, and I started eating in San Francisco in 1985 when I was on the fucking run, Jack. I was on the fucking run big time in San Francisco. I used to have some great fucking food. I used

to go to the Hotel California. I used to go to these places for pizza. I used to go to this original Joe's. It's always been one of my favorite fucking spaghetti places in the country. And they're not even original Joe's like that. I liked the original Joe's in San Jose. I never worked in San Jose. Him prop. I go to original Joe's all three nights with Butch Escobar, who's opening for us at Cobbs. Oh, awesome. So it's going to be me, you, Butch Escobar, fucking Ari Shafir. I hope Tom Rhodes comes by and says hello. Yeah, I'll be up there Saturday. I'll smoke some dope. The fucking, the Jews coming up Saturday. I have two Jews in the house at the building falls. I'm in big fucking hands, you know what I'm saying? I'm getting a piece

of something at the ball building fall. And that's it. That's how we're going to make a fucking happen, you know what I'm saying? That's it. Playing the fucking temple. I'm excited. The week after that, I'm in Ontario. The week after that, I'm fucking where do we, where am I the week after that time? Let me find out. Oh, Jackson, Tennessee at Harvey's. Jackson, Tennessee. Oh, shit. One night, one show, nine o'clock, 20 fucking bucks. Come on down, taking a fucking week with that spaghetti and meatballs, whatever you want. And you know what you can do on this flight to the internet? You can do who plus on them, right on the flight. Who told you that? I know it because I've done it. That's how they're free

Wi-Fi on your phone. My wife will probably take it. Fuck yeah. She got the free. Especially for mercy. Just throw a SpongeBob SquarePants on it. Fuck yeah. Just go to whoplus.com slash Joey. You get two weeks. You get the flight for free. They have the free Wi-Fi on them now. I fucking love it. And what code do they put in? They put in Joey. And how many weeks do they get for free? Two weeks. Two cops up. Who gives you 14 anything for fucking free? The only thing you get in this world is Jesus or a blood dude to fucking the ass for 14 days straight. Besides that. Where'd he get that? Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows? Who gives you anything for free anymore? Who's going with 14 days for free? All the shows they got on there, the original content,

then after two weeks you give me a credit card. Boop. How much a month? $7.99. $8 a month. You know what that is? $96 a year, right? That's right. $10.88. $96 a year. So $96 for that. $72 for the blades on it. Whatever. We'll put you on a fucking payment plan through PayPal and that. You know how we fucking do it here. Speaking of when you were doing the math, how did the tutor go? Did you do it? What did it? The tutor. What tutor? No, I had the fucking movie. Oh, okay. I had the movie. But she told me to read. Really interesting. She told me to read this book. So I had a order to book on fucking Amazon and I just got it yesterday. So I'm going to read it. I don't have to meet with her till I'm going to read the book and say we're going to meet that Monday when

I get back that Sunday. We're going to meet at three o'clock for the first time. I've been fucking busy lately. Yeah. You know, I have to tell you some people. You live your life. You have a 40-hour work week and you juggle it with whatever dream you may have, whatever activity you may have, whatever obligations you have at your house. And every once in a while, shit happens. Shit goes astray. You know, I didn't expect to book a book in 99 and then six days on this. The only reason why I took this movie, I don't like doing these movies. I'm out of this loop because it's nothing new. So I read the script one time and I'm good to go. I go there and I'm really 50% prepared to go there. You know, I know the character. I've done it 18 fucking times. That's a tremendous

fucking thing. That's a cheeseburger coming out. No, what came out? What did my wife make? Oh, fish, sea bass. You know, tremendous. A little sea bass with a piece of fucking corn. You know, we try at the Diaz residence. We get up early today. We went to the farmers market. We bought a little halibut. We bought a little sea bass, you know, some fruit for the week. A little watermelon juice while you're there. We fucking try. You got to try, Lee. That's all I ever wanted from you. That's why I said to you, you got to walk. You got to break up shit. You got to sweat every day. And after that one day, you go, you know what, I'm 25. You get the world by the ball. You got to be in shape. You got to run. You know, you want to run, you run. If not, you join a gym, you go on

the upper lip to get yourself a little personal training, do some jumping jacks. You commit to a time. I have a friend and she drinks. And we've had a thousand discussions. And the last discussion, which was about three months ago, four months ago, had nothing to do with her quit and drinking no more. Lee, you're 40. Let's accept it. You like to do it. So now we got to figure out a way to make this negative thing, even though it's negative, fit in your life and make you a productive member of society until you decide to quit. And that's what I did with cocaine from the age of 35 to 44. I knew I wanted to quit, but I had to figure out a way on how to get the cocaine, the movies, the stand up, and my wife, who at the time was my girlfriend, how to get them on the

picture and for an alter fit. So you got to get a piece of paper on top of that paper. I put cocaine because that's your number one love. And you commit to that five to six nights a week, from 12 o'clock at night to five in the morning, sometimes six. And you have to figure it that way. So I have a commitment to cocaine for 42 fucking hours a week. If it's six hours every time I do a line, seven days a week, that's 42 hours a fucking week. You know, I got a commitment to audition, to get a commission, to get a commitment to go back to my room on Sundays and send out envelopes or whatever. But what people, what I've told her a thousand times is, listen, in 95 when I went back to Boulder and I was having all those problems with drugs and whatever,

I joined a program that was tank-suit up. I knew nothing about it. I just went to a place one night and I watched what they were doing and it's like one dough that went to the right side. It's a Chuck Norris one. So Chuck Norris went with tank-suit up. These people went with sue mocked up, which is a former tank-suit up. At the time it was 60, 65, 72 hours a month, unlimited. Who gave a fuck? All I had in my life at the time was my daughter, Jackie, and time to be mad about my situation. What was me? So I started going to this karate and I started noticing that by going to this kung fu class, this Taekwondo class, that instead of snorting at five now at night, I was still snorting coke, but I wasn't snorting until 10 30 at night because Taekwondo was from

seven to nine 30 and I had to ride my bike home and stop and get the blow and go. Are you following me? And then after I told her, I said, listen, okay, so instead of you drinking at 11 o'clock, I'm like, I know you're doing the tank-suit, the same one that saved me to a degree is right around the corner from my house. How do I know? Because I used to go there. That's where Joey Karate was at that tank-suit-o place on Sunset Boulevard. I go, so go. He's like, she's like, well, but it's eight o'clock at night. So you're going to drink that night. We all know that. That's great. Before tank-suit-o, go buy the beer and bring it into your house. And once you put the beer in your refrigerator, take your karate suit and walk over there.

Once you do your hour of karate, one hour, then you go back to the house. I don't give a fuck if you shy. I don't give a fuck if you shoot it intravenously in your fucking veins and your eyeballs. You made your commitment to the daytime. You know what I'm saying? So it slows you down. At least you have a purpose now. That's why you always like martial arts. Pick a fucking glass. Maybe you just do too hard for you right now. Maybe you want to put on a karate pants and karate and learn karate from day one and throw some kicks. Let me see you throw a little sidekick for the people at home. Okay. Most of the time you throw a sidekick. You always throw kicks at me. All right, fifth grade. Look at that foot. You got a foot like me. You kick a fucking building and

might go down. How much do you think your foot weighs? You ever kick somebody with that fucking galop? No. Let me see you. What the hell? Look at that fucking kick. Let me see one more if I'll go. One more. Let me throw a sidekick. Ready? People at home. They got the camera on? Yeah. All right. Let's do this. There you go. Fucking tremendous. Last time I seen a kick like that, the guy went down. UFC fucking 13 live from Bogota, New Jersey. You're looking good, baby. I care about you. You drink water? Yeah, not enough. I need to drink more. Listen, nobody hates water more than me. I fucking hate it. But I take those little bottles, and I try to drink ten of those a fucking day in water as I'm walking in and out of my house. Does it help? Who the fuck

knows? I know I'm still here. I know my skin is a little clearer. I know there's color in my cheeks. And that's all that fucking matters. We give an effort. So pick something cocksucking and stick to it no more quit. Because when I'm going to San Francisco on a week, you didn't know there was Chinese food in San Francisco. You didn't know there was fucking Italian food in San Francisco. When you called me and asked me, there's Italian food, we're going to feed you up there till your eyeball pops out. And right there, you took that blender, you threw those tomatoes out the fucking window, and you said, fuck it, I ain't never blended shit again. When did you crack yesterday? Last night, when after you called.

Long after I called you that you cracked ten minutes. Yeah, right there. What did you eat? Mediterranean food. I ate good food. I ate a grilled chicken, green salad. Oh, yeah. It was nice. You loved that. How much hummus did you eat? A side of it, yeah. What do you think that does? That's free. Hummus isn't bad for you. What was the last time you seen a skinny arrow? All the time. All of them. When was the last time you saw a fat arrow? You were your fuck. Oh, you motherfucker. You keep it up. I'm going to burn this fucking thing right in your head. Don't suck on it. I know you got to do what you got to do. I love it. Did you see fucking mad flavor throwing? Did you see fucking Lee, boom, boom, throwing? What the fuck? His name was Chuck.

What? He said some guy into this. His name was Chuck. Now it's Chino. It's true. Bro, today I was talking to this, I was talking shit in the hallway when I was shooting this morning. This lady comes over and says, she's Asian, Vietnamese or whatever fuck. And she's like, my husband's Cuban too. And I go, listen to me. And she says, what's your nickname, Chino? And she goes, how'd you know? Because Cubans are in racial, are insensitively racial, racially incented. They don't give a fuck what Asian community you belong to. You'll always be a Chino. And that's just the way the fucking ball bounces, you know what I'm saying? What's going on, Lee? Why are you sitting there giggling? Where's the sidekick you were going to throw?

Where's the love you were going to give? What happened, Lee? How stoned are you? Look, I don't make it. You're stoned fucking. You're just breaking into song. I'm fine. I got to break into song. It's the fucking Lord's Day podcast. Write your goals, get up, write the three things you're going to do this week and how you're going to do them, how much gear is, whatever the fuck. Fuck it. It's Sunday night, bitches, a.k.a. It's Monday, some way. You know what I'm saying? What's up, Lee? Do you want some of this? No, I'll set the amount I've had. I'm good. Why not? Because I don't need fucking in the floor full joints. I look fucking a good amount.

How many do you have? I don't know. Eight. Eight trips back and forth? I don't know. Take one more. Take two more. This is good. Jesus Christ. This is the shit they gave Benny before he told the hyena the second day. I love it. I love smoking marijuana, man, especially at night. Fucking tremendous. I'm going to go home now. I'm going to drink some coffee. I'm going to stay up for another hour. I'm going to get up six hours, go there, shoot this fucking movie. I got two days left. Jesus Christ. He just burned my hand with his Auschwitz. He just threw a fucking flamer at me. Hit the fucking junior.

That's still the worst joke I've ever heard. I run the porno division at Auschwitz. I laugh at it like three times a week. I just think about it. You're a funny little dirty bastard. You got any bobbin water? Yeah. And I get one. Maybe I'm over here fucking seeing mirages. You don't even offer me a fucking drink. Nothing. I'm over here smoking 20 pounds a week. 20 pounds of fucking weed. Nothing. My throat's dry and shit. Police are good, man. Leaves the fucking house. We got a... I love leading debt. Leaves been a big part of my fucking life's success with the church. The success with the CDs and whatnot. So I want

Lido. He's in love. When you're in love with me, I've seen this before. I didn't know it was life to be 25 and in love. I was jerking. You want to close the door? When somebody comes in there, you got to fight the fucking door. What are you making faces for? Look at you with your new fucking hand, dude. I fucking... I said I didn't want to open the door. Now the door's open. Well, you let some of the fucking smoke out. Jesus Christ. I mean, it was like... I couldn't even see you. I couldn't even fucking see you. There was smoke everywhere. What the fuck? Oh my God. What were you saying? I have no idea what he bought on me for. I'm sitting over here in my own business. I don't know. It's like you were jerking off and then you have to go get your

water. No, I wasn't jerking off. No, when you were 25. I don't know. I just walked in on it. I don't know. Everybody get together. I'm saying you're 25. We've done a lot of good things. I care about you. I want you to be healthy. And you know what, man? For years I didn't take care of myself. And 25, I was telling Lee from 25 to 35, what saved me was that from time to time I'd work out. I believed in walking. I believed in fucking sweating. You know, if I dated a girl and she had a pool, I jumped in it while I was living with her. Or if I was somewhere for a few days, I always used the facilities, curls, jumping jack, whatever I could do, you know? So it all helps. When I got sick and I gained all that weight, I thought about something. I remember it all helps.

It all helps. Every little bit helps. It helps your heart. It helps everything. But most importantly, when you work out, it helps your head because you don't think you could do it before you go in. You know, when I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I swear to God, I'm still scared to go in the back of my head. Even with the therapy and the fucking cardio work. Because I choke, Lee. It's fucking tough. You're sitting there. And what it comes down to is I can keep lying to myself. I got to lose this fucking weight. And I've looked at a couple options. And the option is a stringent fucking diet for me, you know, like weight up diet, which I don't know if I could fucking do either. I don't know if I could fucking do that. So I'm gonna have to fit that halfway and over burn calories, do some consistently.

It's high, high cardio, high cardio. But I don't think my body could take it. I can't run no more, Lee. And I don't want to run. I mean, Dolce's got a great running program in his book, which is to run two minutes, walk two minutes at a high pace, and run for 30 seconds. And that's great. I don't want to walk around. My knees don't have to hurt at this age. You know, I need my fucking stand-up comedy. You follow me? That's why I do the apoleptical, because it takes the weight off my knees and takes some of that paneling off my fucking knees. So that's why people said it's better for me. So that's why I fucking do. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? It's Sunday night, I don't want to talk about this shit no more. You're going to be healthy. You're going to be a bad

motherfucker. What the fuck is this shit? By the way, I'm going to give you some shout outs. That's what I got to give. My man fucking bang, Gabrieone, whatever, Bengi. I don't even know my writing people. What do you people ask me to do this shit? Something, Greg Long Island, congratulations, Mario Greco, Marley Greco, happy birthday, Luke Greco's daughter. Fuck it. Look at this. I can't, I'm telling you, my eyesight is going. Something powerful. I got one. I got one. Junior. Who the fuck asked you? Do you want to give my shout outs to you? Who are you going to give a shout out to? To Robert Ramirez. Who's that? He was cool. He listened to me and invited me and my girlfriend to his family as a private party for the Rose Parade and he invited me. I'm going to be back in Boston,

but it meant a lot. It was a very nice invite. They got some good people. Bro, we're part of a very good, we're part of a very nice network. I don't like calling them fans because these people are not my fans. I don't want them to fucking look and be my fans. I want them to be on my level. I want them now to make me fans of them. That's what I look forward to. That's what I want to meet them at the show and they're like, I'm fucking Jewish Lightning. I'm Gabriel Cardenas. I'm this fucking guy. I go, oh my God, I remember what you said and I become fans. Man, thank you for coming and that's weird. We're part of a network and that's what's going to make us fucking stronger than anything, you know, with Joe Rogan and Duncan and all these people. That's why after shows,

I come out and I get your fucking armpits on my fucking neck and I get, you let, you breathe on me and shit because I want to see what the fuck I'm doing business with. I want to see what people what the fuck are you looking up for? Like there's something wrong with your eyes? Cocksuckers? I just had an idea. What idea did you fuck it? You're gonna kill me but do it. People coming to the shows on Saturday bring hummus. Oh no. How about the second show when that chick shows up and farts in your face? What are you gonna do then? It's worth, it's worth seeing you eat hummus, oh my God. Cobbs is a big stage, second show at Cobbs. Me and Ari are paying some lady 300. You said she's

be able to fit your fucking nose in her asshole. That'd be worth it. You're gonna get on your knees. If enough people bought hummus, you're gonna get on your hands and knees. Good. And she's gonna blow that out on you and it's all over for once in your life. You're gonna be able to fucking live and breathe and not have to hear this no more. You'll never have to. I'm ready for it. I know you, you were so late. You've made some big, you're like Ozzy in 71. You're going through changes. Absolutely. You've made some fucking big changes. I can tell by looking at you. Look at you. You got the head, dude. You're in love. Yeah. Who's, you know, how much, what are you gonna give her the ring? I'm not for a while. Don't be bullshit. You gotta give her something by Christmas.

What? Why do I gotta give her, she's a fucking being lost, but we're not ready for that. What are you gonna do? Bring her home in front of the Jews and not give her something on fucking what's the Jewish holiday? Sit there and look at each other, Christmas Eve. No. I'm gonna give her something. That's my engagement ring. I don't know yet. We'll give it a little song. Give her a promise ring. That's too soon. You know what you do? You give her a ring with Jesus getting stabbed in the back. I haven't told her. I haven't gotten to the point where I'm like, it's weird. You haven't told her you love me? No. Not even after you fucking give her a stab and you look from each other. You both feed each other like. It's at that point

we were about to, but it's weird. You gotta do it. You're the captain. I'm going to say it. You're the boss and you're eating her pussy. You don't say I love you dirty bitch. No, I don't want to say it there. Why not? If you say it into the pussy, it goes right to the brain. It's like a shook. Hello. You eat that monkey. You tell her, I love you. What are you waiting for? Or you eat that pussy and you get in her face and you tell her you love her with that pussy breath on your mouth. Like a fucking, like a, I don't even know, like what? You know what I'm saying? Like something, I don't know. Like something. You've been dating her for a year. No, three months. And you're still having telling your lover? No, it's early, but I'm. It's, it's scary. What's so scary about your

lover? You like the girl. She comes over, spends the weekend. Yeah. You sit down in the car. You still didn't get a robe, did you? No, I'm not gonna wear a robe. Nasty motherfucker. You know that? No, Rob is nasty. You sit there with panties on. Yeah. You sit there with your little bloopers on. No, you don't make it like that. That in a t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah. No blanket, nothing. No, always. What's the matter? A robe is gross. You sit in a robe. You fart in it all week. Then you wash it. How often do you wash it? Oh, every fucking week, twice a week. But I was sitting in a fucking robe naked. I got like hundreds on a box of pants. So what's the point of having a robe? Why don't you go a t-shirt on? Because when I get up in the morning, we got only got heat in the fucking

hallway. That's why. So when I get up in the morning, before I go pee, I got the air on, it's cold. I put the fucking robe on, I go pee, I put the heat on, I walk around, I make coffee, then bang. Then I take the robe off like 30 minutes fucking in. But when you're sitting there with your girlfriend, you don't want to sit in the living room on that fucking, you have leather furniture, correct? No, no, it's cloth. Cloth, whatever the fuck it is. You don't want to sit there in your little boxing shirt, naked in the front of your lady, you fucking leave the Jew, leave the flying Jew, Syrat, Syat, director from Israel and many other fucking things. So you don't want to sit there in boxing shorts because it makes you look like a regular fucking

schmuck. You want to sit in a robe with some nice sandals on. I look ridiculous. You're a free elevator with your potato chips on your tank, like a soldier. And if a potato chip should happen to fall on your robe, fucking power to you. Julia Caesar wouldn't wipe it off. He just fucking leave it there. That's how you get striped. Why are you fucking questioning me? I got to question you, you know what I'm saying? I lost you there. What? Is your hand okay? My hand is always okay. I take my fucking fish oil. I'm ready to go, motherfucker. I'm ready. You know me? What's up? What? Nothing. What? I don't, I don't know. What don't you know? You got me high. No, not what you know. What? I'm in San Francisco, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. At least I asked

going to be a guest host on fucking Saturday night. We're going to eat some edibles with Ari. We might give him a hit of ecstasy. Oh, Jesus. Want to do ecstasy in San Fran? No. Put the blade on the wall. Aren't you supposed to, aren't you supposed to do that with a girlfriend? Like why would I want to do something that makes you want to touch people with like you and Ari? You're not going to do with us. We're going to give it to you. We're going to put you in a cab and you go to San Francisco. Have a good time. What are you going to do? Go back with us to the hotel room and talk about what, what do you want to do? I see you all week on the podcast. I want to hang out with you now. I want to hang out with you. Thanks. I was just kidding you.

Break my heart. You don't want to do no ecstasy and jump up and down? Not really. And get thirsty and get a lollipop? No, no, no, no. Put the Jew music on and jump around with him. You haven't done it in a fucking long time. Did you take the girl to the concert with you? Yeah. What did you think? She loved you. There wasn't one Mexican there. Or a couple. Get the fuck out of here. Confused Mexicans. Walking around in no oblo. What else though? Fucking shape me. I'm excited about starting my own podcast. Go get the fucking shit. When are you going to start the podcast? I'm going to record a couple, but my first episode is going to be me and my dad when he comes

to visit next month. What is it? What day? I don't know. I'm not going to do it on the mainstream. You know how many fucking things they're going to have? What are you going to do with them? You're going to tape them and sit them? Huh? What are you going to do with them? You don't do it on the mainstream. I'm going to record an audio podcast. And do you want to talk about the news, current events, what's going on in Israel, skateboards? What are you talking about? What's your hobbies besides fuck? I don't even know what your hobbies are. I don't have, I do, this is my hobby. This is it. Hanging out with Uncle Joey. Fuck yeah. Smoking dope. What are your hobbies when I'm there? Interconnect stamps or movies and fucking movies? What else

do you do? Do you like stand-up comedy a lot? Yeah, that probably. What else do you like? I'm interested in people and that's because the reason people always wanted my dad back on after he was fucking obliterated on that double the time I threw up, the first time he made me throw up. So that's the final episode. It's going to be me and him and we're going to talk about he was on the radio for 25 years and he did a show and he did that. So he has a lot of cool stories. Are you going to have a co-host? No. Is it going to be Lee Sciaccio? Well, yeah, with him. And then I also because I know I see how hard it is for you to like to book people. So I know I know not every week I'm going to have somebody with an interesting story. I'm going to do this and I'm going to we're

going to have Collins, I think, regular people who want to talk. And I think that's the one thing missing from the podcast. What do you want to talk about? Anything. I don't know. I think that's the one thing missing. People don't have a way to really connect a little bit, but it's always after the show is already over. Are you going to take a picture for the podcast with this haircut? I like this. I have no hair. This haircut is one of the sharpest ones. You put gel on it. No. I know you didn't put gel on it today, but I know that if you put some fucking gel in your hand, you look like fucking Liberace. Give me a handsome motherfucker. You're a handsome dude, dog. Look at your smile for the camera. Give me a little. What are you nuts? Or what? Lee

motherfucking Sciac people. I love you, cunt sucker. You know what I'm saying? But I just want to apologize to the people. I didn't, I really, even though I'm tired, I could have gone to the bed before. I really wanted to do this because I hadn't seen your people talk to you motherfuckers in a weekend. It was starting to bother me. It really was. It was weird. We haven't had that much time off. You know, I really enjoy this period in my life. I enjoy this. When I do these movies, I realize how much I love podcasting. I realize how much I like the process of podcasting. The podcasting going on the road, talking to people, meeting people in that area, you know, smoking the weed, they're smoking, eating what they're eating, and I get to know

them a little better. You know, I'm gonna be as honest as I can with you. I'm over the movies and the TV realm in my life. After this movie, I don't want to do these no more. I want to do movies that big movies, you know? That's what I want to do. I want to do a big TV show. I'm ready at my point all the way around. I'm watching who's on TV now, you know, this pilot season, and it's fucking bad. Did you see Rolling Stones top 50 people? Oh, I saw that they did it. Look at it. Did you see that? It's, you know, man, and there's a difference between being commercial funny and being funny. When you look at that list, there is shit on that fucking list that even people who don't know comedy know that that's not the end all be all.

That it makes Rolling Stones make worse than what the fuck they are. I mean, this is a, like they said in that movie, they tortured Rolling Stones to destroy everything that one ever made. You know, not only that, I just see those lists and I see people on there that are not comedians. They're television comedy personalities. They've never put the sweat into it. They've never put the work that Joe Rogan or Bill Burr or Tom Rhodes or Mark Marin or Jim Gaffigan or any Anzi Anzari, they've never put that work in. They've gotten on television, you know, with comedic actors, and then they got cut and directed. I don't know what it is to do an improv fucking troupe on a Tuesday night with full fucking drunks. You know, and people say to

me, well, you don't know, I don't have fucking respect for them. And then disrespects me when they call them comedians, the top 50 comedians, half of them are comedic fucking actors. You fucking dummies. What are you going to fucking learn? There's a big difference. What Joe does, like, again, what fucking Duncan does, what Ari does, what J. Orkison does, what Kumi Manjali does, that stand-up comedy, that's a complete different art. But don't put fucking, you know, these people who've never done this, their television cuts and directs and ha ha ha, and oh my God, last night my brother told me that joke and fuck you. I'm talking about people who sweat and people who sweat their rent and people like, you know, what's the guy that used

to hang out with that still does with Jason Tebow, those young guys that sweat their rent every month and Rick Ramos and Jerry Rocha, those guys that sweat it out every fucking month. At the end of the month, they pick up two weeks and it pays for their rent and their fucking comic books or their fucking cheese pizzas or whatever it is. I have the utmost respect for those fucking people because they took a chance. I get people in this town that call me and they lay guilt on me for some reason. My wife just bumped into somebody a couple weeks ago that said something to my wife that my wife came home and was like, this dumb fuck said that you're on the computer all day and he doesn't want to do that. Well, he's got a fucking day job. You follow me? You know,

a stand-up is something that the more you do, it's like jujitsu, it's like any fucking thing else. The more you do, the better you get at it. And what do I say do? Well, I sat over at my friend's house and we watched stand-up and we don't know. I'm talking about getting on fucking stage every night, making time for what you want. You know, my lead, like I told you, Saturday I had to go to that soccer game, but I knew at four o'clock I had a consultation on the phone to help me write the book. And I knew once that half-hour consultation was over with, I was going to the YMCA because I know I could hit the back for 20 minutes and I could do the epileptical for 40 and I could stretch and do hip escapes and shit like that. I make time for it. And I'll tell you, I'm 50 years old.

I don't want to go nowhere. But I don't want to go nowhere Saturday. I went out Friday to and did the show with Edwin San Juan and Flappers. It was fucking packed down there. I had a great time. I didn't eat again. If you want to get some good fucking food, Flappers has great fucking food. I remember eating there. Jesus, Lee. They had like a whole pizza at this guy's eating in the front row. You know, it's funny. They had one of those good fellow tables there, which in the back, that means in the kitchen, they had two tables right in the kitchen that you could sit there and eat and get seated. And so I sat there with Edwin just to talk because I got there early. And it was fucking amazing the food that was going out of there. Preferably,

you know, it looks really good in there, the chicken wings with the blue cheese with the mixture. I'm looking at me talking food to two fat fucks that can control themselves. They've got to drink green tea. I'm thinking of going on like a protein, like a protein shake once a day, doing the kettlebell classes and the jujitsu and fucking doing the epileptic on. I really like to get my first goal, be like maybe just a 300 and stay on after two or three weeks and dip again, you know. So we're on the same thing fucking together, Lee. Trust me. So I'll never think that I'm looking at you. You know, it's just how funny, like once you called and said, we're going to San Francisco. I have to say all excuses. Blame it on me. That's right. Don't blame

it on me. No, I'm not blaming it. I never blamed it on you. We're thinking all you, you had them in the radiant food. What do you usually get from them in the radiant place? Steak kebabs. Steak kebabs. Grilled steak, rice. It's not bad for you. Grilled steak, rice, Greek salad and hummus. And what do you put in the kebab? Tomatoes? No, no, they don't put in anybody. This is meat. Oh, shit. Yeah. Good for you, Lee. I'm proud of you. You're a fucking savage. You're in love. I'm trying. Gotta get the robe and the slippers. I hate slippers. You gotta pedicure. So you walk around fucking with those fucking feet. I get hot. I can't have anything on my feet. You gotta have something. You gotta have slippers and you gotta go for a pedicure and have them stick the

fucking thing on and take that toe jam you got. Oh, Jesus. You ever see how much toe jam you got in your toe? I cut my toenails every now and then. I don't know. When do you go? You bite them in your toes? I can't bite my feet toes. No, I have fucking toenail clippers. What? You can't put your foot in your mouth. No, can you? Fuck yeah. No, you can't. I'll try. Do it. Not right now. I can get it up there. I can probably get it here. Hold my breath and maybe bite a toe. I wouldn't want to. Do you think TV is about to get better? Because especially this year, they have a Robin Williams show, which I think he's funny, but I mean, he doesn't need to be on TV anymore. They have a Michael J. Fox show and a Sean Hayes show. That guy from Will and Grace.

There's like the three new huge shows. Well, you're familiar with who the fuck they are and what they do, you know, which is good. Would I watch them? I don't know unless you watched them and told me it was great. I can't be good. I can't see me staying home. Listen, man, it's tough to compete with Breaking Bad. It's tough to compete. Every time those shows come along, they raise the ball for every other show. And when you're not even halfway the fuck there, do you think Robin Williams on CBS is halfway as good as Breaking Bad or Dexter? Okay. What the fuck is Michael J. Fox do? What the fuck is that motherfucking do? I mean, no fucking disrespect here. Really? 10 million fucking comedians walking around. Why do they got Michael J. Fox? Because every

fucking person who shakes up and down is going to watch that fucking show. And chief is fucking that 30 fucking million fucking comics out there. And you got to get fucking back to the future of fucking show. And I got nothing against them. I love them to death. I love to get more power to them. The other fucking guy, Sean, whatever fucking eight years, he hasn't been on TV three years or something, right? He was on Oh, I am on that darn whatever show, which I love. It was one of my favorite. Him and the fucking chicks stole the show. Willing Grace? Willing Grace. Him and the chicks stole the fucking show. Oh, yeah. That hype. Yeah. The fucking chicks stole the show. That's one of my all time favorite shows all the time. But again,

there's 15 fucking comedians walk around, give them a chance. But no, I understand the mentality. The mentality is they're known already. They'll pick up an automatic audience and what not. And you know what's mostly like Fox. Fox puts a lot of fucking money and behind Brooklyn 99. Well, guess what? They got another 11 pilots beside the stony fucking guy on Monday night, the black dude that rides around hell is horseman. What's that show on Fox is a success. I have no idea. Monday night. You don't want to fucking talk about go to Monday night Monday night lineup on Fox. Okay. The new show. They got a new show on Fox. That's about some fucking endless horsemen and people are chasing them and whatever the fuck it is. I have no idea what the

fuck you're talking about. Monday night. Sleepy hollow. Sleepy fucking hollow. What is sleepy hollow about? Probably about that. What? It's a new it's a new show. It's not a show that's not forever. That's what am I talking to myself here, Mr. Wall? Let me talk to the fucking wall, because maybe the fucking war on the couch would answer me better than you what I'm talking about here. You're lucky. Look at the people on Twitter like should I fucking hold it and kick Lee in the stomach? Maybe. I don't think so. What a boxer. Anyway, yeah. What's the show about? Oh, I don't know. Read the synopsis of the fucking show. All right, let me find it. Please, if you don't mind, you aggravate me now. You're supposed to be on top of this shit.

I didn't know I had to be on top of what sleepy hollow was. All right, let's find out, find out more. Oh, the thrilling new mystery adventure drama from the green star trek and transformers and fringe modern day twist on Washington Irving's classic. I have no what the fuck. I don't know. They're redoing it. And it's a whole bunch of black people. That's what I'm saying. So I don't know what the fuck's going on. But that's the only two shows that they really break through shows. But they put a lot of money into Brooklyn Nine-Nine, but they probably have 11 other pilots or six other pilots, you know, two dramas and game, whatever. And it's just weird that, listen, like I said,

breaking bad, the soprano set the level for a while and now people do, they outdo each other. Something's going to come along that's going to be breaking bad. I doubt it's going to be the fucking Michael J. Fox fucking show. I doubt it's going to be the Robin Williams fucking show. It's going to be something on FX, AMC. I mean, look what fucking happened on. I know you don't want sons of anarchy. No, it hurt. It's great though. But what happened last week to me was phenomenal. And I saw it go down. It was right before I had to go down to the storyteller's show. And I watched this whole thing play out about this. First of all, it was Donald Lowe's character bobbled the fuck out of me because he was walking around charming like he was God's gift. He was

trying to get these guys for the wrong fucking reason. Well, they killed his sister, but whatever. They killed her in the prison. It was hollow. This guy was busting everybody's balls. He killed the fucking hooker, put the DNA in Jimmy Smith's car. And at the end fucking whatever had to go see Otto with this guy that gives him the shit. And I told my wife right there, I go, Otto's going to kill that shit, that range or whatever the fuck he is. And my wife's going to know and I go, listen, watch, I was not going to live. If Otto wakes up every morning, a black guy fucks him in the ass. Can you imagine? If I woke you up every morning, fuck you in the ass. That's how you opened up before breakfast. When you were a biker

for 30 fucking years, you were stabbing people and getting your dicks up and coming on people and shit like that. Now you're waking up to cock every morning. You're waking up to one of Liberace's little fucking slaves. You know what I'm saying? You're waking up with a fucking cock boots in your muffler. You know, you're waking up crooked. So my point being, that part smelled pretty fucking good before. It's still lingering over here. I'm sure it is. You got to give him something like that respect. It must have been the hemp force protein shake I had. Anyway, stop breaking my concentration cuss. What was I talking about? So fucking the show.

I knew right there. And next thing you know, bro, he walked into that motherfucker and Otto stabbed him in the neck. Otto stabbed him two times in the stomach. He goes, write all everything you know. And he goes, all right, I'll give you something. But he had the things on. So he goes, you got to loosen my fucking thing for me to write. Right there, I knew it. He took the pad and he started writing. And all of a sudden he goes, because he has no tongue, he bit his own tongue He gives it to Otto, to the guy in the guy reading, he goes, I hope your sister's pussy to it tastes as good as the blood. I don't fucking know something. He turns around and starts choking Otto. Otto has the knife right there. He just starts stabbing him in the fucking side, gets out

of the bed like a fucking animal, like a caged animal, gets him by the fucking neck. Wait till his cops come in. And even when you could see, I mean, Donald Lowe did a great part of acting because he let what's the drug that gets released into your system right before you're going to die that the rabbits. Oh, I don't know. I don't know if I would you're broken DMT DMT gets released and you're going to that Momo state. Yeah, you can see Donald Lowe even out of it. He goes, I never saw it coming. He knew he was going to die. He was bleeding out and the guy that shipped to his neck. And he had this guy and all of a sudden he just started stabbing him in the fucking neck. It was beautiful. But it's amazing how I haven't seen now. It's going to really pick up sons of

anarchy is really going to fucking pick up. They're going to war with whites supremacy, the Irish, their own fucking motorcycle gang is breaking into two because the other guys want to become nomads. We're onto something. We're on the fucking something, Lisa. Yeah. That's right. So how do you like them? They're apples. I love all those. That's why I don't know if fucking Michael J Fox is going to whatever. Just live on back to the future. I heard the commercial for it the other day and they're pushing it a weird way. And you know what? I hope it does. I hope, listen, anybody who's been in this business for a long time, I want them to get something for five or six years. You didn't get into this to fucking start. If you got into this,

you might as well get some of that TV money at some part of your career. That's what being here is about. I don't care how you get it. I don't care if you're a game show host. I can't be mad at Aisha Taylor. Can't be mad at her for getting Drew Carey's job. Oh, she got her job? Yeah, she's the moderator and whatever that job. You know, and I can't blame that shit. That's what happens to comedians. That's one of the levels in your life. You know, I'm doing this movie right now. Do I want to do this movie? No. But why do I live here? Not to do movies? I remember last year when I did one of the Disney shows, some kid was like, you're a fucking sellout to stuff. What the fuck are you talking about? It's called insurance, bitch. You can do comedy all fucking year, not

having insurance. I'm doing insurance. I live in LA. I'm part of a motherfucking union, okay? Do I have a dream of being part of a union? No. Did I ever thought I ended up in the union? No. I never dreamt of this, but things worked out that way. And this is part of the fucking perks. You know, man, I do TV. I do movies. I do drama. I do comedies. You know, I do a podcast with you. I do blogs. I do storytelling. This is all part of who the fuck we are. So don't ever think that if you're a plumber, you can't, you know, what makes GSP so good that he incorporates everything into his training, which at the end helps accelerate the final result. Correct? You know, when I did that movie with Da Nero, did it make me a better person? No, but it gave me more confidence.

Somewhere along the line, it had to give me more confidence because it made my stand-up a little better. It did? You go, um, listen, man, when you watch a stand-up on stage, the first 48 seconds, you're making a judgment call, and he basically has you on energy. Did you ever go into work on a Monday morning and told some of the jokes at the same comedian joke, said, and your friends look at you like, are you fucking retarded? Yeah, no, I try to do that with what you'd sell me on the phone, and I'm like, it doesn't, it doesn't work. No, it's the timing. It's the, it's the energy that you put behind it. It's all these factors that go into it. Yeah. You get caught up by the steak, but you don't see the sizzle, or you see the sizzle. You don't see the steak because we've been doing it

for fucking so long that it appears to be very easy. That's where the professional comes in. The same thing when a painter comes over in my house, and for a week, it took me and you a week to paint this room. A painter would come over and do this in two hours, and you're like, what the fuck just happened? It's a professional painter. So always understand that whether you watch a stand-up or an actor, when I got into this, I wanted to do everything. I can't believe I do movies with Dean Cain. And this is one of the only ones that nobody's in this movie. It's just me, Dean Cain. I forget who's playing Dean's cousin. Nice guy, more Rooney. Paul, more Rooney or something like that. Okay. Pat, more Rooney or something like that. And that's it. I don't know nobody. I don't

know a director. I don't know anybody. They cast me in this because I've done this before, not because I do a podcast with my main man, Lisa Yat, the director from Isriela. But I feel good, and I'm happy I got to do the podcast tonight and see you people and talk to you people. And we're going to come back on Wednesday with a guest, an old-fashioned type podcast, and we're going to make this fucking happen to you. And don't forget, man, on the way home now, I brought it in my fucking, it's in the car. I got my little new mood. I'm going to pop it, we're going to take an extra water from you if you don't mind. I'll pop a fucking new mood right now. Within 45 minutes, I'll sleep tight. And I know I'll sleep a good six hours. I'll wake up

like a new fucking man, get up, a couple alpha brains, smoke a joint, and go to work. I'm doing this all over the morning, 7.15. So we won't do a podcast tomorrow morning, but you will be getting this today, Monday. So make believe you're going to fucking listen to this, and you're going to get up and you're going to fucking do all the things that you're supposed to fucking do. Because it's Monday. Wash your pussy, wash your feet, do the fucking listerine, eat some pussy, be prepared. It's fucking Monday. It's a whole new week and it's going to fucking work out for you. This weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'm at Cobbs. Next weekend, the 17th, 18th, and 19th. I'm at the Ontario Improv, and the following Saturday, I'm at Jackson Mother fucking Tennessee.

That's right. Jackson Tennessee at the Italian joint Harveys. Go on to Jackson Comedy Scene, and that'll tell you the rest of what you got to fucking do. One show, nine o'clock, Saturday, fucking night. All right. Leave Seattle, be in San Francisco. Go to honnett.com, press in. Church. Church in that motherfucker. Are these fellow church? C-H-U-R-C-H. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Even though he was fourth place in the seventh grade spelling bee. Oh, it's third place on the technical. Second. And beside that, I love you guys. Have a great fucking week. Thank Honnett. Thank fucking Hulu Plus, and thank our sponsors, Dollar Shave Club. Please go to their web pages, visit, see what they're about, and give us a chance.

Thank you guys. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey, or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality raises sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church, or go to joeyds.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club. That's right, bitches. Have a great week. you