Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 10/14/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #119

Episode Date: October 15, 2013

Before today's guest became a doctor she and Joey grew up together in North Bergen. Dr. Tania calls into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/14/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church that's dollar shaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. Oh, shit. It's motherfucking columbus day. We're gonna open up a nice little bluesy fucking jam by the king, Jimi Hendrix. We're here smoking some hash and this fucking joint

we didn't know it. I was not aware there was hash in it at 6 a.m. on a Monday morning. You don't need to be aware of fucking nothing, all right? Just smoking. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's Monday, October 14th. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Crank this shit, Lee. Crank this motherfucker, Lee. What? Are you fucking kidding me? You're sitting there thinking about what? What the fuck can you be thinking about when this shit's playing? Are you kidding me? And you think you got fucking problems? Listen to this motherfucker. What? What'd you say? That's what I thought you fucking said. This is just too much. It's motherfucking Monday. Are you kidding me? Lee, what's the story? You keep leaving this shit on. I might have to jump out

of fucking window out of reprieve. Oh my god. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I'm happy you're with us. Some of yous are still fucking sleeping. I don't blame you. It's Columbus day. I got no time to sleep. I'll sleep when I'm fucking dead. Mad flavor here with my main man, the flying Jude Lee Syat, fresh from San Francisco. Smoking some of that fucking hash and the reefer they gave me and mixing some of this guy's still fucking coughing. Get it together, I knew it was hash. It's because I don't cough that much. Jesus. You were over here dying and laughter as I was fucking choking to death. You know why? Because I've been there. That's why. You're here with us, the church of what's happening now. Get up, have some oatmeal, do some jumping

jacks, stretch your fingers, wash your pussy, do something, but you got to do fucking something today. You got to make it all. You got to justify your motherfucking existence. What are you doing? You swallowing boogies over there? Yeah, I'm trying not to do it. I gave you the fucking hash where you get a little yellow shirt on and you run on Star Trek. Oh my God. Look at you, you bad motherfucker. You need a little like Vio, but you need to be ready for Star Trek. What's the V4 for Star Trek? Who the fuck knows? I don't know. It should be a J for two. You had a nice time in San Francisco. I loved it. I loved it from the second I landed there. Because I miss Boston. Well, I miss a city like that where I can, that's why I keep

thinking about moving to Hollywood. Even though Hollywood's not like that. Like I landed in San Fran. I drove through the city and then I got to my hotel and I just walked around because you were having lunch, but it was like two miles away. So by the time I got there, it wouldn't make sense. Original Joe's, you fucked up. I know, but I meant this old school. I walked steak with a side of spaghetti, fucking salad and water like a soldier, no bread, no butter, nothing. That probably would have helped, but I went in the sushi place was having a lunch special and I got a little bento box and a couple pieces of sushi. It's a Miso soup. Oh, nice. You like that shit too. I like that little chicken teriyaki white meat. I got steak. Oh, look at you. That's steak teriyaki.

That's fucking aristocrat. Oh shit. A little steak, a little salad, a little bit of that ginger, fucking juju juice they put on the salad with a couple pieces of tempura. Correct or no? They didn't. I had a, I had dumplings instead of tempura. Dumplings. Look at you. Fuck yeah. Bad motherfucker. Then we went over to the show you right off the bat. You didn't even fuck around. You inhaled 200 milligrams of a hash. I totally fucking ass up. 200 milligrams, 30 milligrams. He comes up and tells me it's 30 milligrams. Imagine you need a gummy bear and there's, you can't even chew through it. It's so fucking thick. Los Gumi's hermanos are taking that shit to a different level. Listen, we had fucking hash hangovers. Friday morning, I had a fucking

hangover. When I woke up, I had to like sit in the shower for 30 minutes and drink coffee and, you know, meditate and fucking walk around and sweat. Then I had some yogurt with some granola and that's when I snapped out of it. It was the groan, it was the Greek yogurt, I think. Yeah. I had a fucking headache over yesterday. But then when I finally had breakfast, I didn't have breakfast all the way in here and then I finally felt better about it. You get on the plane with no breakfast in your stomach. Wait, are you fucking? Well, there's nothing at the airport. There's always something at the airport. Nothing good. I was in SFO and I had two eggs with bacon and sourdough breakfast and a little

cup of oatmeal. How are you going to tell me there's nothing good? Fresh eggs. You know when there's nothing good? Maybe in your terminal. When they give you scrambled eggs because they're powdered fucking milked eggs, they're already prepared. That's when you know it's got the, these are two country fresh eggs, two little pieces of bacon, which two eggs is four points, two pieces of bacon is two more points. I didn't touch the fucking potatoes, but they smelled okay and I had a little piece of sourdough for both eggs. Well, I knew I was having breakfast when I landed. So where would you have breakfast, the wife? Yeah, me, her and her mom went to just Denny's by the airport. Did you have steak and eggs? No, I just get a ham and eggs. Okay,

don't get the steak and Dennis because you'll bleed from your fucking penis helmet. Fucked up, like you're gonna fucking kill you. But we're here. It's October the 14th. You're two months away from fucking Christmas. You're sitting there. You're two months away from a new year. You know, you got to put it together. You can't just fucking sit there. You got to get out there. Interesting the weekend in San Francisco though. I felt in my heart that I had four horrible shows right off the fucking bat. Thursday, I didn't connect. Friday, I really didn't connect. And then Saturday, the first year was men's immense. You know, the stories were stronger, but something was missing. I wasn't connecting with them. And finally Ari was on stage talking about he don't

like eating pussy in the morning. And you know, me, that's when that fountain of fucking breath opens up when you eat that fucking monkey. They don't like pussy in the morning either. No, I do. Refreshing the mattress. Absolutely. No drama, no P&O. No, you got mad at me the other day because I didn't take a shower. In the morning, you've been stabbing her all night. So you know where the pussy's been. See what I'm saying? It's something she's been out doing, jumping jacks all fucking day, sitting on the 405 with her asshole sweating. And it mixes into the vaginal mesh of things. And all of a sudden you're eating a fucking monkey that smells like, you know, you don't want to throw them in the shower. And we have the same problem. You know, we're

sitting on the 405, the ass wet dips into your nutsack. And you have that nutty asshole smelling. Next thing you know, you're out there spreading this shit. And you know, you can't be romantic when your ass smells like a goat. It's just very tough to be fucking romantic. This is why I preach. Wash your fucking ass before you give mama a stab. Even if you're both drunk, just wash it. You know, your feet got to be kicking. Oh yeah. You want to bang somebody with your feet kicking? Absolutely. Okay, then. Then what the fuck get it together? No, you don't. No, you don't. You want them to call again. I have a friend of mine who told me the other day he's not going to sleep, but the girl he was sleeping with, because she snore that night. Oh, well, that's not her fault.

You don't want no fucking problems. This is what I'm saying to you. People are picky. She don't want no problems. You don't want to show up with stinky fucking toes, because no matter how much they love you, eventually you have to tell you, don't make them tell you. Take a shower with me. I'm not saying that you're stinky. You're a good looking dude. You know what I'm saying? Do you get any mousse for the head though yet? I don't have any hair to put mousse in. You don't put proficient that motherfucker? No, that makes your dick go soft. Really? Oh yeah. That's what I've heard. So if you rub it on your head, it makes your helmet go soft? Yeah. Well, no, proficient is a pill. Oh, what's the shit you rub? I've tried

roguing, but you forget and it's expensive. And you know what? Literally every guy in both sides of my family is like ball ball. Like you can like shine their head for a nickel or whatever. So it's common. So it's more of a hereditary? Hereditary. Yeah, that's right. You know, I don't fucking know. You know, I lose hair. I got a little Jew patch in the back, like a yamaka fucking son's cap or something. But you know, you lose hair and I'm sure I'd be very insecure. You know, I'm insecure with hair. I can't imagine you just grow with it. I'm short, fat and bald. I mean, I just it's something I've got a dick like a fucking mule. No, I'm fine. You're a savage. I've got used to all of it. But uh, you know, you don't have a dick with a mule.

Well, you don't have a dick like a mule. I don't know if I want. I'm very happy with it. I don't know. Well, you're here from Ashley. She called you anymore begging your back. No, we were never together fucking. She called you last weekend. No, it's all over. See how fast life goes. Because it happens. You get a little piece of ass on the side. You forget about all that shit memories and all that. No more songs, no more jumping around. They did your favor though. No more hanging out like fucking friends with Chinese people in your house sitting here and shit. No, be sucking your dick. You don't need that shit. No, you don't. Jesus, I'm trying to make a point. You really smoke some more? No, fuck you. What's the problem, dog? It's Monday. You've got no

fucking work that Columbus did. Well, you got work tonight at seven o'clock. You know how many things you could do between now and seven o'clock? Well, now I know what I'm gonna do. We'll take a nap. What nap? You're not gonna walk around the neighborhood and say hello? You usually make me smoke cash at six a.m. I'm going to bed. It's okay. It's okay. And I got another joint and a half. I know you do. And I'll spray with some nasal spray and your fucking thing. I'll get you out of there. But I wanted to talk about it because Butch Asgobar, who, anyone who went up there, he was the guy who opened for Joey and Johnny. Funny motherfucker that I didn't joke. I loved him this weekend. No, he's great, but he's even a nicer person than we were talking because

he, like, genuinely, he loves the show, but he has a lot of respect for you. I love him, too. I love Butch, too. And we were talking about what you just said, about how you didn't think you did that great. Because I said to him during your second show on Saturday when he went off, I said, did he really have bad shows all weekend? He's like, no, he didn't have bad shows, but it wasn't like this. But he's like, he's been harder on himself than he needs to be. Because, like, I got messages Thursday and Friday, and I was there for the first show Saturday. You didn't, it's not like you went to a show and fricking the cruise line comedian was there, like, bombing. You, you just didn't have them as strong as you had them.

I didn't connect with them. That's what this whole thing was. But it was still, but that's the thing. You sang you have bad shows, and I think you were being too hard on yourself. If anybody can make anybody laugh, it's connecting with them. They know what you're talking about. That, that was what you really want to do as a comic. And I felt that, you know, whatever 300 people a show left there for the first four shows, not even for, can really connect with them. I think that I would, I, the Saturday I went off because I just said I can't go on five, not in the back of my mind. Listen, to do anything honest in your life, you have to be critical to some degree. I can't stand when I talk to comedians. And there's a

lot of them that'll come up to you and tell you they always fucking kill. You know what? You can't always fucking kill. You can't always fucking kill. You could tell yourself that I have great sets. I have mediocre sets and I have terrible sets. I have terrible sets that aren't bombing other comics, but they're bombing to me because I know I didn't get into their heart. I know that I didn't do something that wasn't a common thread of the set. And that's what I'm trying to say to you. A lot of times when I open up for Rogan, I feel the same thing because I'm going up there cold. They're not ready for me cold. I miss out on a lot of things. You know, this year I went to Milwaukee with Rogan. I was a little high and I had to follow Doug Benson. Doug Benson had

no energy. He went up there with a Savoy Fair attitude. I went up there with the same Savoy Fair attitude and I shouldn't have gone up there with that same, I'm a fucking killer. You know, as a comedian, I don't want to be a mediocre comic. I want to be a fucking tiger or a lion. You know, people don't go to the fucking zoo to see the clowns and the elephants. They go to see the lions and the fucking tigers. And that's why. So if I don't perform like a lion or a tiger, I just feel like it was a waste of fucking time. That's in my thing. Yeah, I'm going to make you laugh. I've been doing it for 20 years. You know, if a plumber comes over here, he's going to fix your toilet. Does he do the best job with it? You know what I'm saying? So like, I know everything you're

saying makes sense. The one thing that like, because I just don't understand, like, how do you make like, how did you get to the point second show Saturday where you're doing that? Like, because it seemed for someone who doesn't know anything about comedy, like, why couldn't, why isn't that just always the way you go? Something got into my mind. I realized I was in San Francisco and I realized that they were a little high level. Okay. I realized that they were a little more intelligent. And I gave them too much respect. And I shouldn't respect anybody. I should have gone for what the fuck I do. You understand me? Sometimes you, for some reason, you just put a block on yourself. Sometimes you get in your way of yourself. And that happens

in life. You're going to get the fucking way yourself. Something's going to get in the back of your mind. Somebody's going to piss on your leg. You know, I'm trying to be something I ain't, you know, I'm a silk, you know, you can't put a silk hat on a pig. But sometimes when you gain momentum, you're like, Oh, I'm going to write jokes that maybe I think are interesting. If I'm not selling that joke, if I'm not threading it correctly, it doesn't matter. Sadly, I went up there with nothing. And I just weave in and out of material. What I do best. And it turned out to be fucking great. I felt like I connected. I got off. I did a little extra time. Do you know what I'm saying? I didn't do the Gecko joke, the Liberace joke, but I did the

Closer and one fucking thing. I said something about sucking dick with like Liberace. Oh, tremendous. But you changed a lot of stuff again. Yeah. The one of the bits was like totally new. Yeah. You know, man, I like to write and I feel ashamed of what happened this year. I was supposed to tape the CD in June and we had difficulties. So now I've been using the same material. If you don't want anything about me, man, I fucking hate that shit. But it's taught me something. It's taught me that the longer you do material, the more you develop it. And a guy like me could really turn a bit around if I sink my teeth into it. I really like it. I really like the pornography bit where it's gone. Yeah, that's what that's on. And it's really my heart. It's really

something that I never fucking thought of how funny that fucking shit was that day. I still remember those kids walking out of my house. Like I still remember months later going, that was fucking terrible. Like the they would have gone to therapy if there was therapy in those days for going to see for seeing bad porn. Like that's how funny that was. And I didn't realize it. So I went to the Florida film comedy festival and I was told to a Carlos Perez about it. And he goes, remember that time we had the box with the porn movies? It was fucking and let me tell you what else. Thursday night was one of the funniest nights in my life in San Francisco. Not on stage. It didn't happen at the club. The Butch tell you about the video. You know, he didn't tell me the

video. Oh my fucking God. We go to 7 11. You know, we hang out at the club. We talk to people. We take pictures. We end up going to 7 11, right by the hotel there, right on Fisherman's Wharf. And there's a black dude outside peddling fucking coins, whatever. What's happening, brother? Real cool, real personable guy. What's happening? Something happens when we're in the hotel. I'm not the hotel. I'm sorry. We're in 7 11. That's some white dude with a dog comes up to and they have words to the black guy. To the black guy. Trust me, this hash killed me too. And I put a couple of chunks in there. That's why I didn't roll it in front of you. It took time for me to put the hash in there because you got to chop it up. I was doing all

this shit at 4 15 this morning. Who fucking rolls hash joints at 4 15 this morning? While I was writing in my memoir, the memoir, whatever the fuck I write in every morning, my plan for the day, you know what I'm saying, Mike? I always get up in the morning and plan my day like what I'm gonna do and what I need to do and how I feel. And I was writing that. I rolled the two hash chunks. What was I talking about? About the black guy. So we come out and the white dude sees that it's me, Butch and Ari, and he kind of says something to the black guy and he walks away. Butch is talking to the white guy. Butch puts the YouTube on right away. His camera, he knows something's going on. When I walk outside, he's already got his camera on, he's interviewing the black guy.

Black guy saying the white guy went up to him and told him to call him a nigger or some shit, something with a dog. Now I'm hearing all this and I'm watching the white dude with the dog on the corner. Now I know things are fucked up out there and you really got to be careful. You know, you really got to be careful. It's not like 30 years ago that you could yell at people and say whatever. Don't pull out a fucking AK whatever and shoot you to your fucking blue in the face. So one thing leads to another. And I'm sitting there and I'm watching that. This guy's crossing the street. He's not. So we asked the black dude what he had said and he said something crazy. Like, so we go, Hey, come on over here. Let's make friends. And the guy's like, Fuck you.

I'm not going over there. So we're like, Fuck you, cock sucker. We'll go over there and we'll kill that fucking dog. And now the guy's going nuts. He's walking back and forth. The dog is barking. We'll kill that dog. And we'll fucking eat him. Right. And they do this barking. And I mean, this just went on and the owner of the hotel came outside. He's like, gentlemen, you got to keep it low. My customers. And he doesn't go in two seconds and we start yelling back and forth again. And this goes on for like eight or nine minutes. Finally, we're getting tired of arguing. We're getting the car and we fucking start driving. And we drive towards the guy. The guy is walking. So he doesn't see us when we get in the car. What he kept doing was walking and then coming back to a

direction. So he kept switching directions. So finally, he fucking walks away. And we was walking towards us. That's when we pull up next to him. And we're like, Hey, man, no, no. Butch is like, Hey, with the camera. But it's like, Hey, guy, what happened to those guys? I saw they ran the other way. And the guy's like, Oh, you know, they had a problem. And also I pop out and go, Fuck you, cock sucker. We'll take that dog and we'll fucking kill it. He's like, Fuck you with a dog. When the dog started barking was the PR resistance. And he's like, he knew he was we were talking about them. And we pulled away. And there was one point where we were driving away. And I don't know if you guys even know what the fuck I'm talking about. There's a part where you sometimes

you get high, you get you know, you smoke some pot, and you're a little in a good mood, whatever the something happens, and you start giggling. And all of a sudden you go right back to the fucking freshman year in high school when you first smoke pot. And we were getting and there was one part where I had my head turned back. And I was just giggling. Yeah. And I could see Butch Escobar laughing and I was in the back laughing. We laughed straight and had to be for 15 fucking minutes like little kids. Finally got out of the car and we're like, Wow, that was hilarious. I remember going up to my room and still giggling like a little fucking kid, because the guy was like, Yeah, fuck those guys. And also I'm like, Ah, you cock sucker. So I'm gonna have to have Butch

put the fucking video up with the musically. You're sitting there. It's Monday, October 14th. You got to put and it's funny because on the plane yesterday, I was thinking about this song, I have it on my fucking iPod. I think you put on my iPod. No, I should have my iPod. And I was listening to this song and all the levels of different meanings, like God knows, because my dad used to play this for my mom. So my mom used to play this song every day she walked in the bar. This is the first song she fucking played. So after a while you listen to it, you listen to the words and you're like, I get it. But they didn't even know what the words meant. You know, they didn't know English. They knew broken English. So they knew a couple words here

and there, you know, but it's amazing. Blast this motherfucker. It's Monday, October 14th, Columbus Day. If you're not working, whatever, get up, run around the corner, do something, go get a gyro, get some new chucks. Oh, shit, wait, you ready to take another hit? No. Yeah, yeah, you look a little down. I haven't seen you this down. I'm not down. I was thinking about the last time you made me laugh like that, walking back from the benefit for a girl's dog. And you just took your hand and rubbed my head and I wasn't looking. And it was cold out and it was like what your hand was warm. And we laughed for about, well, I laughed a long time. I laughed for about 10 minutes.

I just couldn't breathe. Come on over here. I can't walk by now. I don't even know which one is the joint with the fuck. There's like 19 joints on this thing. I don't even know what got hashed. What's got heroin in it? What's got love company? We had some good fucking some guys sent you some stuff. Cool motherfucking named Alan Rodriguez. Oh, cool. Sent you a playlist. We got my girl Tanya Messina calling in today. Girl, I went to school with the older sisters in the documentary. Oh, Lisa's sister. Okay. No, yeah, I met these guys who grew it and they said they named it Lee Kush. They gave me like a big, they gave me like one butt that was like a gram and a half, two grams. I had to give it

a bunch because I couldn't bring it home. Who said you couldn't bring it home? Me and my paranoia. Smoking right now. We're smoking some shit that they gave me in San Francisco and you're flying in California. Yeah, but you have a whole system that I don't have. Yeah, you got a system too. And you got my system. Give it to the whole fuck it. That's even better. You don't need a license. You can fly without it. Do what the fuck you want. What do you want me to tell you? People want to do what the fuck they're going to do, Lee. Oh, but it was those fucking cool. I can't believe somebody named weed after you gave it to you. You fucking gave it the butch. You didn't even bring a butt to smoke on the show to spread the energy around. Should I fucking

take this e-cigarette and burn your stomach right now? Like the fucking cracko in that movie? What do you mean, oh my god? What's oh my god? What's going on in my head right now? Why? What's the matter? Nothing. I'm just fucking stoned. We got another joint issue. Good. But yesterday I went to eat lunch. Two weeks ago, my cousin called. But two months ago, my baby has a dangerous stranger. What is that shit? Stranger? Stranger? Stranger? That she cries sometimes if you see somebody she's not familiar with. Oh, I didn't know that. Okay. Yeah, she liked you and stuff. So I had tickets for my uncle for Willie Nelson and his girlfriend. I got him from my wife at the Hollywood Bowl. So I brought him to him. I didn't want to come down into town on a Monday

and just meet him for lunch. So I brought him on a Sunday and I happened to have my wife and the baby in the car when the baby got out. I started, you know, I started talking to my uncle. When I went to hug him, Mercy came over to me and right away she looked at my uncle and I asked Mercy, give your uncle a kiss and she gave him a fucking kiss. He died. He fucking couldn't believe it. Now my uncle's got a lot of fucking problems. He's a good dude. This is the uncle I almost tried to rob. He didn't almost tried to rob. I tried to rob. He pulled the gun on me and we reconciled. Is that her calling? No. And I've had my ups and downs with my uncle, but at the end of the day, I really, really love my uncle. I really fucking do. He's my uncle, man. I love him.

And he's got his, he's 70 fucking six and he's got his own mentality. He still has a girl friend. He cheats on her and, you know, there was rumors that he had a cancer. He won't tell me. I mean, that's, he's a bold dude. He changed his eating. He changed his life. You know, he's always walked five miles a day. That's why he's lived to be 76 and he's in such good shape. So his niece, his daughter called me yesterday, a couple of weeks ago and she's like, you know, my dad wants Thanksgiving, but he only wants to do Thanksgiving with you, the baby, your wife, me, and my husband. You in? And I go, yeah, I'm in. He goes, you really like the baby? I go, yeah, she had a good time with him. So Marta called me again about two weeks ago and she goes, Hey, you want to do

breakfast with my dad? I'm in San Francisco this weekend, but I can meet Sunday. We'll meet, we're me and Duncan go for steaks for breakfast. Boom. Let's do it. So we met showing off the babies in the great mood. Yesterday started fucking messing around. Right away. We, we, she was eating. I had, I ordered soup for her and I ordered mashed potatoes and turkey slice, slice, turkey. I always love a Thanksgiving meal. You know that I love turkey and mashed potatoes. They had stuffing, but in terms of stuffing other vegetables, the mashed potatoes are pretty good. And so we were given and then, you know, she didn't want to sit there no more. So my wife was eating. So again, I riled her for a while. My uncle was next to me. So I put her

in between me and my uncle. My uncle fucking picked her up, man. She started rocking with my uncle. And my uncle started like, he's a musician. So he started playing all this little music on the table with his fingers. And she started swinging her arm and shaking my crazy shake. And he fucking went crazy. So with this going on for 20 minutes, my wife is looking at me and I'm looking at her like, this is real. She likes this man. The next thing you fucking know, my wife goes to take Mercy away from my uncle. She throws a fucking fit. She doesn't want to be with my wife. She turns around to my uncle, my uncle. She deeps from my uncle. My uncle's muster heart, muster fucking broke, you know, because he had a daughter. He has the sons and he's not close to

his kids. And sometimes in life, you need a second chance. Like I got, you know, I got a second chance with Mercy. You know, I lost my first door. I got a second chance. And it was my fault also. You know, the more and more I think about this shit, the more and more I come to the realization that it takes two to fucking tangle. No, there's no victims in fucking life, you know. And but it was so weird. I was watching him and I was watching his face. And I could see that, you know, this was like his fucking second chance. And sure enough, after a couple minutes, he asked Mercy, do you ever bring a comment yet? And he gave her $100. He always gives Mercy. But it's just very nice. Like I always talk to people about making somebody's day. Mercy made his day yesterday.

Like he must have left there. You know, he couldn't even control himself. You know, and I could tell by my cousin's reaction that she, you know, we were both in awe. Like it was nice. Mercy made his fucking day. You know, he's 76. My uncle had the wife with the kids, my cousins, and he took another woman up and he had a child with her. So he made his own fucking bed, you know, he made his own bed. But everybody in life deserves a second chance, you know, that's really cool. Unless they they're a fucking piece of shit, because not a piece of shit. No, no fucking way at all. He's a he's a good fucking dude, you know, when I came out here. And I always say, you know, I'm trying to write a book, you know, I always try to put a chapter

and then I got to say that when I look at my life and I look at going to prison and all that shit, to wake up call I got before I went to prison, but didn't pay attention was from my uncle, because he gave me the greatest gift that anybody could ever give anybody. He gave me the gift of telling me that the world didn't know you dick. The fuck is this? The Nazis are over head. Got a fucking plane is this fucking Snoopy's flying it. So it's just really weird. The gift when you when you realize that the world don't know you dick. That's when your life your life will move forward a couple of times, you know, when you graduate college, you know, when all that shit that's on paper. But really, when you start claiming responsibility, your life will move forward

a bunch. And when you start realizing that the world don't know you dick, when you got to get up in the morning and cut your toenails and wash your pussy and put your bow tie on and get the fuck out there and make it happen for you. It makes fucking life a lot easier when you know that the world don't know you dick. And that's what my uncle did for me. So when I was sitting there, yesterday with him, I'm seeing what's going on. And, you know, I tried to rob him at gunpoint. Can you both have guns? Yeah. You know, I was 21, maybe. Yeah, I was 21. And God knows how old he was. And you know, now I'm 50. I'm sitting next to him. And we love each other. I love, I love talking to

him. We fucking laugh. I'm my uncle's last resort. Like I could talk to him. He talks to me about anything, you know? Yeah. I know exactly what he's about. I know exactly what he's fucking thinking. And it's just great when you have a relative like that. And I showed him the picture. I mean, that picture they sent me, I thought it wasn't my mom. It isn't my mom. It's my mom when she was like 14. Oh, sure. And he was saying, he goes, that is your mom. And he was looking at her. She was a woman at 14. He goes at 14. She was coming home with scratches on her legs, from jumping, bob wire fences to getting to dances. Oh, Jesus. School dances and bars and shit like that. He goes, your mom was already a fucking woman. So it was just nice to see the

family together. My side of the family. My wife was going to Nashville on Wednesday. Oh, she'll get to see her side of the fucking family. Next week, all the fucking Indians and Irish people, I love it. And then I'm going the week after that, I'm doing a show in Jackson on the 26th at a bar called Harvey's Restaurant. Oh, do you notice any similarities between the like how Mercy looks and how your mom looked at 14? No, not at all. Not, not, yeah. But it's funny what does make me, what does make me real interesting, interested is how what attracted Mercy to my uncle. You know, it's like when we went home to Terry's mother's house at one point, does the child, does the child know that that's its grandmother?

You know, within a day, she was lively around the grandmother. So is it something in the skin? Is it smell? Is it something in your voice? Some, because when I talked to my uncle on the phone, even though he's a man, I hear my mother, I hear they have something in their throat and I have it also. So that's why I think she's so at home, but you should have fucking saw her. There was one part she was swinging her arm, Mercy and fucking crazy shaking her head, like oh, T-moomi, zoomy, they do a crazy shake. So she does crazy shakes. But you were saying that she doesn't like a lot of people? No, she doesn't dig a lot of people. She doesn't like that. And my wife and I discussed how she doesn't like beard, but she liked you. Oh, yeah, I think anybody who's got a beard or

goatee, she's like ice this motherfucker. I think kind of what it is, is how she knows you and your wife. And like she like, I think she can like sense how you how you feel towards your uncle, probably. I mean, I mean, I don't know anything about babies, but it would seem like they might be able to pick up on you probably have an energy around your uncle that you don't have around the bearded guy at the grocery store who wants to pick Mercy up. Good point. Good point. No, I never thought about it that way. Yeah, it's just weird how she picked up on something and she moved around. She didn't cry at my cousin either. My cousin picked her up. She took the glasses right off my cousin's face and threw them and, you know, the whole fucking deal. So it's

just amazing that there is a connection there. I don't know what it is. But I know when we went home, the child was even, I think we went home in April or May. Mercy was what four months fucking old. And she already knew who her grandmother was. I mean, we went shopping and left her with the grandma that wasn't a stitch of drama, not a stitch of drama. We got back and everything was fucking great. Can you believe she's going to be like one soon? It has to be like it's early January, isn't it? Yeah, it's the first week of January. So she basically is one and I leave a buffalo the next day. Buffalo is my first gig after the grudge match comes up. Okay. Buffalo's going to be fucking nuts. It's going to be cold. It's going to be icy. I'm going to land in that

motherfucker. The weather's going to drop to 60. It's going to have a good time. It's going to raise to 60 in January. Shut the fuck up, come suck everything all right in your world. What's going on with you? No, we uh, you can see the girl this week. You're going to see it today. No, I saw yesterday. No, she's not. She's not off today. No, I think that's only, they have it East Coast, but it's not West Coast. Columbus? Yeah, I don't think so. It's not a big holiday in the West Coast. Not that I know of, because I know I don't have it off, but uh, is the post office closed? I don't know. Banks and all that shit. Are they closed? I know they are back East. I don't know if it comes out all the way here, but I was thinking it's not to

the same degree at all, but um, I had this plan to see the girl yesterday for breakfast with her mom and when I landed, I was like, I had a headache. I didn't want to go. I was like, I'm going to cancel. I'll just go home and go to bed, but I didn't see her all weekend. So I was like, okay, I'll go and her mom came and she doesn't speak a word of English and I can understand a little bit of Spanish, but not really. And like just from the minute she got in the car, like the daughter is translating and we're all laughing and we went to Denny's and it took like an hour for the breakfast to come out, but we were all laughing and telling stories and it's uh, I've never had that with a girl's family who I dated before. Like, and it's uh,

it was, it like, it made me, it made me feel, I didn't have to feel hungover anymore and I could tell because the mom didn't like me at first, I don't think because, because we met online. She, the mom was a little wary about it, but I can tell she likes me now and uh, and even the girl texted me when I got home. She said that was a good idea to go to breakfast. I said, yeah, it was uh, it was a lot of fun. I don't know. You got me high and all sentimental. All right, don't cry. Do you want me to lay the hash? No. I got the joint without a hash. I might as well wake you up. It's a sativa.

I'm all set. You start by that. You think you gotta take a fucking other hit. You're sitting out there. No, I don't do. Look at the shape of you. You know, how are you going to go walk around after this? When I leave you, how are you going to go for a walk? I'm going to go take a nap. A nap? Just like sat, so fucking, I got to the club a little bit before you on Saturday.

A lab. And I just walked around because I didn't want to like, oh, your friend's calling. Good morning, my love. Good morning, Coco. How are you? Good, my love. What's happened? I'm having a great day here in Maryland. Let me tell you, I'm sitting in my room looking at a horse farm. Oh my good. How many horses are out there? There's like four or five horses and who would have thought that a girl from North

Virgin would be sitting in a house looking over a horse farm, right? The only horses I saw back in that day were the horses at the track that my father took me to. Over at the Meadowlands? Now, when we were kids, the Meadowlands opened, correct? Yeah, it was like Yonkers. We would go to Mommas. He would tell my mom we were going to the park, you know, a little bit, you know, it was a horse park. Fucking amazing where we would take. What's happened, Tanya? I'm just, yeah, I spent most of the morning writing, you know, as you know, I used to practice chiropractic. Well, I still practice chiropractic a little bit, but I'm working on a

health and wellness blog that's taking just a different turn in my career. Now, you explained this to me yesterday. You were telling me about the different types of, you know, whenever I see like a bump on my neck, I go to WebMD, you know, because I don't want to bother nobody. And Web tells you how it is. Internet is a very dangerous place for medical information, though. I know it is. I know. But at least it either gives you worse news or puts you at ease at two in the morning, you know what I'm saying? So that's why I go to WebMD sometimes. Then the second person I call is your sister, believe it or not. Well, nurse Ratchit, she has a good on a lot of things. I call her to believe it or not.

I call her for everything. I called her last week. I went, they said the testosterone was giving me too many red blood cells. So I got to drain my blood cells, but they also found out that I had low thyroid. So they put me on thyroid medication. And now in the 28th, I got to go somewhere and drain fucking a pint of blood out of me, which I don't know how I'm going to do, Tanya. I have no idea. You don't like needles? Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. But I go to acupuncture. Every week for the last six years, and I'm trying to, but that blood draw needle just doesn't agree with Uncle Joey, Tanya. Well, it's different. Blood is, you know, like when they're taking something out of you, it's different. That's why I went to chiropractic

school and not medical school. I mean, honestly, I can, I can cut open dead people all day long when I was studying in school, but I could not deal with blood and warmth and guts and moving. It just did not suit me well. It freaks a lot of people out. Now, how long does it take to go to chiropractic? Is there a chiropractic school? Or do you go to college for four years, then go to a school? What's the whole patois? Both of those things. I actually decided to become a chiropractor really early. I was like 15. It probably actually started earlier than that. When I was, you know, very young, I used to work on the deal of Renzo's, they would say, you know, Kurt was a wrestler, and he would say, let me rub my back. I'm hurting. So I'd rub this back and you say,

you have really strong hands. You should like be a chiropractor or a massage therapist. So that clearly planted a seed. And then when I was 15, I got in a car accident and I not only had neck pain and arm pain like you do after you get, you know, hair from behind, but when I went to the chiropractor, he noticed something with my spine that was irritating the nerves to my lungs. And I didn't tell him that I had lung issues. I was a sick kid actually. I had a lot of pneumonia and asthma and allergies, but I didn't tell him that when I went to see him. But he figured out just from touching the bones in my spine that I had a problem with those issues because the nerves that go to all of your organs come out from your spine. So long story short, he adjusted me for my neck pain,

but also I started getting healthier. And that really sparked an interest in me to do something like this. So I decided at 15 to go to chiropractic school and I even applied. I was 15 years old and I wrote a life chiropractic college in Atlanta. And I said I wanted to, you know, it was applying for admission and they said, sweetheart, you have to go to finish high school and college first. So I got a one-way ticket out of North Bergen and went to college at Pepperdine for four years and got my undergraduate. And then you go on to do four years of chiropractic school. So it's eight years of higher education. Jesus, I'm listening to your voice, Tanya. And I'm thinking of you as a young girl, you know, just you wouldn't say much. You'd be watching a smoking pot and you'd giggle

or something. And that was it. And now look at you. You're a fucking savage. Well, you know, I didn't say much because I was like the token mascot following you guys around, you know, at Bergen Line Avenue to the McDonald's and up to the soccer field and the pool hall. And I don't know honestly how I how I had the urge to get out of there. I just knew that it wasn't a good place for me. It's not a bad place. It just wasn't something that was going to suit my life. And I remember in my high school yearbook, they said, what do you want more than anything? And I said a one-way ticket to California. And I offended a lot of people, I think. And I don't mean to be offensive because, you know, you guys are my home, you know, my mother still lives in

the same house that I grew up in. And I do go home and I'm very grateful for the, you know, the sense of family that it gave me. But I just felt like maybe I needed to get out in order to achieve what I have in my career. And yeah, I never moved back. I'd go back, you know, for summers occasionally and to visit with my mom and my sister and my aunts and stuff. But I lived in, you know, Southern California. I got my doctorate in Atlanta. I lived in Charleston, South Carolina. And now I've lived in Maryland for, you know, almost 20 years. And I have to laugh because I hear your accent, Coco. And, you know, I can talk like that too. But I kind of became sanitized. You know, with the further you move away, the more your accent becomes neutral. But my husband would say,

give me a glass of wine and it's all over. You know, the Jersey comes out full strength. So probably by the end of our conversation, I'm going to be, I'm going to be talking like you again. It's funny, Tonya, because I knew at 14, I was going to get the fuck out of there. So don't apologize to me. I knew at the age of 14 that there was something more. I knew by the time I was 16 that I would look at the kids that went to the army and they would come back for the first time and tell you how great it was and wherever fucking port they were. And then you'd see them a year later and they got out and it sucked. And, you know, now they're working at the MUA or something. I saw the people who went away to college that would come back on Wednesdays before

Thanksgiving and tell you all this shit. And then they graduated college and they ended right back up in North Bergen. And I looked at, you know, and there's nothing wrong with coming back. No, there's nothing wrong. There's something more out. There's something different out there to see what the rest of the world has to offer. You know, listen, there's two types of people. Tonya, there's the people that stay in North Bergen or New Jersey or in Boston or in Brooklyn or in the Bronx and their Atlanta and their big vacation resort is Atlantic City or Miami. And that's what they do till they fucking die. And you know what? I love those people. That's what they probably think people like you and I are fucking crazy, Tonya. I'm sure they do. I know they do. They think

we're fucking who the fuck graduates high school picks up and gets the fuck 2000 3000 miles from where their heartbeat is. Who does that? Columbus, Lewis and Clark. I think it chooses you, don't you think? It has to because you find the career, you know, it's so hard who people are unhappy, then you have another handful of people who are happy and they've obviously found what works for them to do on a daily basis. You sound, if I listen to your voice, you love what you do. But think of all the people that don't have that because maybe Tonya, they had an obligation that they stuck to or a dumb loyalty and they didn't move on with their life. We didn't. We said, fuck all the loyalties. We're going to go out. I'm still from North Bergen. It makes me who I am

today. Absolutely. You can't take that away. And I see it with you. That's why you've become so successful because you took what they taught you in Pepperdine and mixed it with what you saw growing up, where the fuck we saw growing up. You know, we saw some shit, Tonya. We saw our eighth grade teacher get arrested, Wally Lindsey. I remember that like it was yesterday. Who the fuck grows up and sees their fucking teacher arrested for corruption? You know, now teachers got arrested for what, for fingering a kid or molesting a kid or something stupid? You can't even hug a kid that's crying anymore. You get arrested. You get arrested. So, you know, I mean, and to see the success you've had and when I was talking to you yesterday about your blog and

what you wanted to do medically and, you know, Dr. Phil, it's amazing that you want to help people. Well, the thing is, Coco, I mean, like you said, some people are just miserable and I think it's more people than not, unfortunately. And people tend to go to doctors to fix them, right? Like, I have a problem, neck pain, fix me. You know, you have a kidney infection, you go to the kidney doctor, fix me. But the truth is that no doctor can fix the damage that a poor lifestyle causes. And lifestyle is everything. The physical stuff's the easy shit, honestly, Coco. People come to me and they say, can you fix my neck pain? And I'm like, you know what, that's so easy. I can fix your neck pain, but why do you have it? Do you hate your life? Are you going bankrupt? Do you hate your

work? Are you eating McDonald's three times a day? So, I can't fix that stuff for them, but I have to address it with them. I'm going to tell them the truth. I'm not, I'm not once a candy coat. Oh, no problem. One of my very first patients, Coco, came to me. She was morbidly obese, 400 plus pounds, and she had heel pain. Both of her heels hurt. And she said, I've been to a podiatrist, orthopedic surgeons, my primary care. They've given me cortisone shots. They give me medication. They give me special shoes. No one can fix my heel pain. And I sat across from her and I took her hand and I looked in her eyes. And I said, your heels hurt because you're morbidly obese. And they weren't designed to carry around 400 pounds. And she looked at me with tears in her eyes.

She said, Dr. Tonya, she said, no one has ever had the nerve to tell me that. She said, you know, on some level, I know that, but no one has had the nerve to tell me that. And together, she and I came up with, you know, we just, we try to figure out why is it that she's morbidly obese? Is she emotionally eating? Is she eating because she felt unattractive? You know, was she feeding her soul and not her body? You know, it's very complicated, but we partner with our patients. And she made some changes that made her lose weight. And guess what? Her friggin heel stopped hurting. Now that wasn't the easy way, but it was the right way. I'll be back as you lose. So these messages, Coco, that I've been having with my patients, these conversations that I've had

over the years. Again, I'm a back doctor, okay, chiropractors or doctors that address your health through your spine. But when you know better, you do better. I know that if a mother comes in, a single mother, that's having financial difficulties, that's raising kids on her own. If she comes in with migraine headaches, I can adjust her neck, but she has migraine headaches because her life sucks. And I can't make her life not suck, but I can hold her hand and counsel her and lead her to a place that maybe offers low cost counseling. Or I can encourage her to go to mom's group where she can get free babysitting for her kids and have a couple hours a week by herself and she can manage her stress. So these conversations that I've had with my patients one

on one over the years, I just felt called after, you know, 25 years from practice to have on a broader level. So in my office, I can treat one patient at a time. And on my blog, I can treat literally thousands of people at a time. And I can't tell you, you know, we're relatively new, but the hundreds and hundreds of people that are responding to me, there are thousands going to my site, but there are hundreds and hundreds that are reaching out to me saying, wow, I wish someone would have told me this. Thank you for being honest. We talk about pregnancy and the fact that, you know, yes, I'll go, I don't know if your wife did this, but when you push a baby out, you often poop. And people don't know that and it happens to them and they're mortified

and they're embarrassed. And I talk about that because when you know that it happens to everybody, you don't feel like the freak. So I have these conversations that maybe aren't dinner table conversations, but they're honest and real and meaningful and people respond to them. And I just felt really called to reach your wider audience and I'm having a blast. I am having an absolute blast. And I'm still seeing patients in my office like four hours a week to keep my hands in it a little bit, but I love writing on my blog. I love being on Facebook and answering questions and, you know, just bringing what I feel is really good solid information with an every girl twist to my audience. You know, there's great health information out there. You can read Andrew Weil,

he's brilliant. You know, Sanjay Gupta on CNN, he's brilliant. Dr. Oz, they're good guys, but they're so freaking dry. I want to nod off. I mean, I can't absorb information unless I'm laughing and engaged. So I take that good solid health information and I put it through my lens. And my lens is like that's any friend goal. You know, I'm a little raunchy. I'm a little risque. Like today's post is called the new foreplay. And it's about talking to guys. If you want to get laid more, don't bring home flowers and chocolate. Do the freaking dishes a vacuum. Your wife comes home and finds you sold a laundry. You're getting lucky. All right. So that's not healthcare. That's lifestyle care. But I guarantee you you're getting laid. She's getting laundry

done. You're connecting on that emotional level. You have a happier life and you're healthier. So that's the kind of stuff I talk about on my blog. It's just life. That's not back pain. It's life. It's how do you manage your life to be happier, more peaceful and healthier? See, Tonya, in all your conversation, I just heard the North Bergen come back. You did? No, no, no, no. There's the beauty of it. It had nothing to do with your accent. It had to do with honesty. That's all we ever wanted. I mean, most of the kids we grew up with got shocked into honesty. Do you know what I'm saying? Like when Anthony Balzano died, we got shocked into being honest. You know, and I have the same problem out here, you know,

with my career. Sometimes you got to tell people what the fuck's on your mind. Because before we became comedians or chiropractors or anything, we're fucking human beings. And you know, John Lennon said it best, being honest might not get you too many friends, but it'll get you the right ones. Absolutely. That's it. And that's what we took from North Bergen that, you know, hey, listen, I have problems with a lot of people because I'll tell you to fuck off. You know, I don't need this fucking job. I don't need a lot of things. We were looking for a job when we found this one. And I have the same thing with the podcast. This podcast, I just want to tell people the truth. I could, I want to tell people that they could fucking do

it on you. They could do whatever the fuck they want. People try to throw roadblocks at you. Look at you fucking Pepperdine, a girl from a one way street in North Bergen, right? You live on a one way street, right? No, it's a dead end. A dead end street with a sliding rock awful liberty immigrant. You know, we all were, we were all first generation Americans, all of us. I mean, you were, you were, you were born in Cuba, right? So my mother grew up in Germany, my father in Italy, but he wasn't really around. And she did a great job. My mom, but boy, I mean, if she knew half the stuff we did, her hair would be even curlier than it is now. I mean, we were, we were creating, you know, we did things that no, I was like 10 years old when I started hanging out with

you, you know, no, no 10 year old should see what I saw and, and do what I did. But you know, so I go to, I go to Pepperdine and I'm like a token scholarship kid, you know, here's me, you know, really rough around the edges. No money, you know, I was, I was very uncouth, shall we say. And here I'm dropped into this life of literally the rich and famous. I mean, the children of kings and queens and heads, you know, heads of countries were going to school with me. I mean, they had, they had more cash in my wallet than my family made in a year, probably ought to be very honest with you, you know, partying at nightclubs, partying with movie stars. And I was like, in one way it was in my elements, I'd been around that whole party thing,

you know, a lot with you guys. So I wasn't intimidated by that fact, but it was who I was doing it with here was like parting in the trenches back east. And here I'm like hanging out with like heads of countries, you know, parting on the west coast. And I think, you know, the, maybe it was uncouth, but I had the street smarts. And that has gotten me a very long way. And we teach our girls that like, you know, I have two teenage daughters and gosh, they make me so proud. I could just weep, you know, they're beautiful, really, really nice girls. They both play varsity volleyball. They're count, they're smart as a wet one's going to college next year. The other ones, you know, a sophomore in high school. And I think I look at them as 15 and 17. And I thought, oh, what I had

done at your age, you know, it really, it really kind of freaks me out. And I'm so glad that you're not doing those things. But I do want you to have that, that street smart that helped me to be a survivor. So when they were little cocoa, I take them to the mall and you should do this with your daughter when she gets a little older, they were little kids like three and four. And I take them to the mall and I said, okay, if you got lost right now, who do you go to for help? And they look around and these big beautiful eyes, you know, and they look around and they point to like someone. And I say, now, why did you point to that, that person? Well, I know you told me that policemen can help me, but I got a funny feeling in my stomach when I looked at that policeman. I didn't

want to go to him. I want to go to that mommy. She has kids and she's laughing and smiling. And I feel like she would protect me. I mean, that could make me wheat cocoa, you know, that a kid that age could have that gut sense of who to go to a nod. And I said, never, never lose that. You must always listen to your gut. And we take, you know, and different experiences, we don't make it like a full time job. But you know, like for out, we, you know, we take them to New York City. And I said, now, if you got lost, what would you do? You know, what would you do in this situation? Your car broke down, your cell phone was dead. What would you do? You have to give them tools to be a survivor. So they're never going to fall victim that, you know, they can always

take care of themselves in that way. So I don't, like I said, we don't overdo a cocoa, but we want them to be tough girls, tough enough that no one's going to take advantage of them. You know, Tanya, I always thought that my mom was preparing me for this day. I always felt in my heart that my mom prepared me for the day when she died. I always, till this day, she had a vision. She knew she was going, you know, she taught me how to vacuum. She taught me how to do my laundry till this day, even when Wanna comes in to take care of the baby and stuff. I always do my own laundry. And it's because of those things. And you're right. You have to prepare your kids. You have to talk to your kids. That gets the last day. What the fuck are you going to do? You know,

I work my ass off now. So what happened to me doesn't happen to my daughter. You know, I just got a will, you know, because my mom died without a will and I got fucked in the ass. Little things like that, that I don't ever want my daughter to go through because life is life and people do die and people do get hit by cars and people pass on and your kids got to be fucking ready. If my mom didn't make a street, you know, Tonya, I was just home, you know, I was home about four weeks ago. And you want me to tell you what I noticed about where we're from that that area, 38th Street, no one sticks out the fucking hills. You and I have walked, I love to look at our hearts and see how strong our hearts are, because how many times did we walk up those fucking hills, Tonya?

Up that hill to the freaking bus stop. Are you kidding me? I mean, when people laugh and say I walked up those ways to school, we really did. We're from this, I was in San Francisco last week and I saw some hills and four weeks ago I was home and I saw those fucking hills just from the park up to the dragon grocery where the Chinese guy used to fuck just that walk there. Never mind the walk to shits and park through there because you still had to walk up to Kelly Boulevard and catch the bus to Sears. But what if you went up the project way? Next time you go home, show your daughter that hill and go I walked up that hill 80 fucking times. I tell them that 80, please, probably 480 and the first day of freshman year of North Jersey High School, I wore candy sandals. You

don't know what candy sandals are, they had wooden heels. So it's the first day of school, early as crap, I'm walking up that freaking hell next to the project and you don't walk with shoes with wooden heels. That's stupid. I slipped and my white little fancy pants got all ripped and stained and my first day of freshman year was so mortified. That memory is like it was yesterday, it was 30 years ago, I feel like it was yesterday. Do you still, when you go home to North Bergen, do you drive around those streets? Do you go to Charles Court or go up giving that terrace ever and get goosebumps or? I do all the time. I ride around, I tell my kids we used to go in the woods, like the woods behind Sabatino's house. That was like, it was like the enchanted

forest. It was probably only, honestly, how big could it have been Coco? 50 yards, like it was like the size of a football field maybe, but we used to cut through there to go to the to go to the the pool hall. And to me, it was like the enchanted forest, like we would build clubhouses in there, we'd meet back there to make out or to hope to make out with somebody. It was like fairyland and and yeah, I tell the girls this and it's very hard for them to visualize, you know, because now it's all built up and it's all, you know, it's all been then built up and there's no woods left there anymore. But yeah, we drive through Charles Court. I take him to White Castle for murder burgers. You know, I passed his school. We always, when we drive home, we pass McKinley school, the

jail on the hill. Even those stairs were brutal. Those stairs are brutal. You never counted them, but it was like 10 flights up to get to our school. Fuck all that shit. No wonder everybody was skinny. Everybody was in great shape. You know, do you have any memories from Charles? Because I remember you hung out there with Dean Altman and, you know, Sabatino was, I think a year ahead of you and Gina Jacona was maybe your age. What's like your last fucked up memory of that neighborhood that you remember? Well, let me tell you my first memory of you, Coco. And I don't know why you and I were in the same class. I mean, it was a very small school. So I think when our teachers were absent, they just put everybody in different classes, just take up the slack.

But I was sitting in class with you and I must have been in fifth or sixth grade. So you were like in seventh or eighth. And when we were kids, they used to give you crayons on your birthday. Now, I had an August birthday, so I had a bad attitude anyway, because I never got freaking crayons because my birthday was in the summertime. So I was jealous about the crayons. But somehow, you were in my class the day that somebody got crayons for their birthday and you grabbed them and you broke them and flung them and said, fuck this shit. Oh my God, it's so scary about you. If you're like my sister's friend, I'm like, oh, Lisa, Coco was very, he was a bad boy in school today. He broke crayons and cursed in

front of the teacher. You know, that eighth grade that I sat with your sister, that was, that was one of those, when you think of your life, you're like, Jesus, how much that we laugh and that we go up to shop right and shop with hubba-bubba by the fucking packages and chew it and throw it at Ms. Walsh. Oh, Mrs. Walsh. Ms. Virga. And then Mr. Linsley came and Ms. Virga retired. I just spoke to Levito a couple of fucking months ago. How was Mr. Levito? I think he lives outside of Vegas. Him and his wife retired or something like that. I think that was the last teacher that was still left when we were there. You know, but it, you looked great when I saw you in DC. You looked really great. And it was just weird that the last two years on

the road, I've seen more and more kids, but I've seen a lot of the people we grew up with, Carlos, Perez and Nandi. And it's so weird how we all have that little edge to us. You know, that little part of North Bergen when we grew up down there was, I still, when you said the woods, I still remember Maloney, fucking angel up in the woods. He like dug a ditch up there and put his sheet in the ditch and fucked it right outside in the woods. I saw so many fucking things in those woods. I just remember smoking pot with Lewis and Anders and we let him remember Louis the Nigger and he let your smokes blow smoke into his afro. I do. I do. Oh my God. I can just picture his face with that great smile. Holy crap. Remember that? We, uh, we, uh, we had some good laughs.

I still remember the one time when you, we dragged into Union City. We had done THC Crystal or something. Me, Carlos, a bunch of us, you were walking behind us with grace or something. I still remember looking at you and you were just this little young girl that was scared, but didn't show it. You couldn't show your fear, Tonya. You were the youngest one. I honestly don't even remember being scared ever in that situation. I felt like I knew that you guys would take care of me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You would, I knew that you, I knew that you did. You would then and you still would, you know, fucking crazy time. So talk to me about this blog and how people could find you and how they could ask you questions and anything about to do with

health. How can they do it, Tonya? Well, I'm on Facebook, um, Dr. Tonya and Coco, do me a favor if you would just, just put this on your Facebook page because people never sell my freaking name right. And it kills me. It's Dr. Tonya, D R T A N I A. So I'm on Facebook as Dr. Tonya. Um, my website is www.doctortonia.com. Um, they can, they can enter their email addresses on my website and they'll get a weekly kind of mashup of all my topics that I talk about. You know, again, they're kind of saucy. You know, we talk sometimes, sometimes it's not so saucy. Some days it's just good solid health information, but most days I hope I teach you something and make you laugh too. You can leave comments on individual stories as something moves you or you have a question

about something. You can leave comments and we'll reply. Uh, I'm on Facebook like a million times a day. So if someone has a comment or a question or something they want to see me write it out, I always respond to that on Facebook. Uh, click, click like on Facebook and you'll get our, you know, our top stories as well. You know, we don't want to bother people, but if you like what I have to say, well, you know, we'll find a way to communicate with you either on liking us on Facebook, entering your email address on our website. But again, the spelling, you know, my mother wanted to name me Tina, but my maiden name was Messina. So Tina Messina didn't cut it. So they named me Tanya, but I've been spelling it like a hundred times a day, you know, my entire life. So it's

Dr. Tanya T-A-N-I-A. There's someone else out there who spells it differently and that's not me. I'm the New Jersey one. And there's some videos and there's great articles and I really think that you'll, um, you know, hopefully you'll listen as we'll find something to that touches them and make some laugh. And there's something for the girls and something for the guys on there. And we post every day. So we have a different story every day. You know, Tanya, on the show, I talk a lot of shit into Flying Jew and we smoke pot, but we're real health oriented here. You know, even if I'm a little overweight, we always have doctors on here and chiropractors. Well, you're the first, you're the first. So there you have it. Uh, you know, so everybody's into health. You have to take

care of yourself. You know, I didn't for years. Tanya, for years I ran on, I even had insurance and wouldn't use it. Tanya, how, how foolish is that in a society that's so desperate for insurance? Now I had insurance for years and wouldn't even get a checkup. Now everything I do is medically. Well, don't get me started on the insurance cocoa because health, I mean, like I said, I'm going to reiterate this because it's so important that no doctor can fix the damage from a poor lifestyle and lifestyle is not just, you know, eating and, you know, what you eat, what you drink and exercising. It is definitely those things, but it's also being in balance in your relationships and your financial life and are you getting enough sleep? And I mean, if you're

happy, you're healthier. I mean, that's just the bottom line. It doesn't mean that, you know, happy people don't get cancer because there, there are other factors, but if you ignore those lifestyle factors, you're going, you know, so far down the wrong road. You just can't be miserable and be happy at each up inside that you dying. Your misery is like you're dying inside and it's going to come out eventually. So if you're one of the happiest guys I know, one of the most grateful guys I know, I mean, you've got this beautiful wife and this beautiful daughter, you're living your dream, you're connected to your roots. I mean, you're at a huge advantage to people who have all the trappings of health, but, but they're miserable. Life is too short to be miserable.

I was miserable for fucking years. I was mad at the world. I was mad at myself. And you realize what the fuck are you mad about? What the fuck are you? What could you be mad about? This is a great place to be. All you got to do is put your mind to it and work around it and something good will happen. Something good will always happen if you stay pure to yourself and you're honest and you get up every fucking morning and you're great with people. You know, you and I, I'm not into beating people or, you know, we're into fucking telling people the truth. And that's a lot in today's society, Tonya. That's a lot. There's people out there that fucking can't look somebody in the eye out here in LA where I live. Never mind telling somebody the truth. They can't even look

in the eye. So it's in today's world to sound as bad as it sound. Being honest with somebody is a complete different approach. Yeah, it shouldn't be novel, but it is. Really, really, I can't be, you know, how many people do you meet that are just plain sheep? They have everything to fit in, even the fucking staple. They even get the Starbucks coffee cup stapled to their fucking hand. That's going to be the next surgery they do. A Starbucks coffee cup fucking surgically implanted in your finger so you can impress people, you know, and it comes with the optional glasses look so you could put the glasses on too. Just be your fucking self, you know? That's it. That's what we learned being down there. You can't fucking lie to funk. Do you remember when we used to pull

the phone, the phone, the emergency phones off? Of course we did. Oh my god, it's a cocoa. You know, you asked me my last memory of North Bergen and I have to say that I really think my when I left, I left with the bang. I am right when I was leaving Pepperdine or I think it was during one of the summer times of Pepperdine. I got the chance to be on Wheel of Fortune. You know, we'd go out on Saturday nights and get all kinds of banged up and on Sunday morning we're hanging out in our dorm rooms. You know, we got big heads and we're just hitting resile on all the game shows that are out there. You're trying to get to be a contestant. So I got to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune and it was hard

at that point. It was in its heyday. You know, you had to go through interviews and screen tests and you had to play the game and you had to go through more interviews and I got to be on Wheel of Fortune. And let me tell you what, 30 years later it's still my claim to fame. So I go back home after and I think the show aired when I was back in North Bergen, home on a break or something and you would think I was a freaking pope, Coco. Tonya, you're on Wheel of Fortune and I still get it. I think it's hysterical. In fact, Jimmy Ross, as you know, Jimmy Ross from McKinley, he just found me on Facebook. He goes, Tonya, I think about you every night. I watch Wheel of Fortune. We're so proud of you. And I just think it's a hoot. People just really think that that

whole Hollywood thing, you know, they're enamored of that and he was like a local girl done good. I was on for three days. I won like, you know, trips and prizes. How much did you win? How much cash? Well, at that point, Coco, it wasn't cash. It was you had to go shop in and that's stupid turnstile. So if I won, at the end of the day, I won stuff worth $26,000. This was like a 1986. But I had to spend all of it on the stuff that they had there. I remember they had a telephone answering machine. It was 300 bucks. And I'm like, are you kidding me? You know, they totally rack it up. But I got bedroom furniture and crystal and China and a ceramic Dalmatian. And I got trips to Hong Kong. I took my father took Dominic to Hong Kong. That was a boy. Was that a treat?

What a story. Dominic Dominic is a train wreck in Hoboken, much less in Hong Kong. And then I took my mother to Switzerland. And we went back to Germany. So she showed me, you know, where she's from. And then I took the guy I was dating at the time, Jorge, I took him to the Bahamas. So I won trips and prizes and I still have the tape. And let me tell you, Coco, you know, I'm not half bad looking now, but I was a very late bloomer. It was not a good decade for me when I was a little fortune. You should put it on Facebook. You should put it on Facebook today. Let our viewers take a look at it. I may do that. Make sure you look at the good looking picture first before you go back and look at me on Wheel of Fortune. Because

like I said, it was not a good look for me. I was a very late bloomer. You know, you mentioned somebody early on and you mentioned them again yesterday and it's weird that I told the story on Friday night about, I love the De La Renzos. We were talking on Wednesday. It was friendship day here on the podcast. We were talking about a friend of mine called in the way, knew for 30 years, just like you. His name is George Kaladinsky. We went to summer school together freshman year. He was from Cliffside, but it's so funny that I was telling the story about the De La Renzos. You, like me, were family over there. I think of Barb once a week. The mother was the fucking patron saint of 88th Street. I met him when they were on 51st

Street. I'm sure you know him from Hoboken and stuff. Well, absolutely. I mean, Barbara was my godmother. I grew up with those boys. I used to walk into the electrical union. She's the one that got me into the electrical union. I mean, I just love Barb. Something about it. We got along and we hit it off, but I was thinking about it. I was telling these guys the story about Amiel, the eldest son. Was he the older one or Chris was? No, Chris is the oldest and Amiel is the middle. I grew up with Kurt, but it turned out I loved Amiel with all my heart. I loved Amiel with every bit of heart. And Amiel used to make us laugh. So one summer, Amiel hired me and Glenn Conti as his assistants

in the plumbing business. Did you know about this? No, but I could only imagine. And it was basically, you know, we'd take him to the city. We'd go to Washington. We'd work in the mornings from nine to one. We'd really work. And then about one, we took him to Washington. We'd take him to McSorley's and we'd go to Washington Square Park and he'd go get his bag of goodies and I'd go get mine and Conti would go get his. We'd get Valium's and stuff like that. And he would get a little taste of his age and stuff. And we'd go get high and then that's it. There was no more fucking plumbing. And we did this for a year or so and we became tight. So he used to date Donna Chinsoon, the hot little Chinese chick. Remember?

I do. I absolutely do. She was half Chinese and half Irish. Now I lived with them in 84. I was in Colorado and I came home and I ended up living in Kurt's bedroom. So it was me, Kurt, and Amiel in the bedroom in the back and Chris and his girlfriend and the parents lived there. So I had moved out of something. I was living downtown and at night, when you woke up there, you never knew what you were going to wake up to in the mornings. Isn't that the truth? Oh my god. And I would wake up and there would be Amiel and Donna Chinsoon completely naked on the couch and she'd have her legs right open and I'd sit there and eat my cereal and make believe I was watching cartoons just the whole time looking at a pussy. It was fucking tremendous. So did you ever hear

the story when he cooked the french fries? You know, it's ringing a bell. They used to ductate me. They used to ductate me and throw me in the closet because I was too little. They would make me rub their backs, we'd hang out and they wanted to go on with their adult pursuits, but they had to watch me. So they would put me in the closet. So I can't get past that, but I know there was a french fry incident. Tell me about it. The french fry incident was Amiel came home at two in the morning, high as fuck on H and he took those hot fryers and he put the thing on. You know, you had to heat the oil and those things are unsafe as fuck. You know, you could buy them over the counter, the little ones like in the 80s, they were unsafe as fuck.

He heated the oil and threw french fries in there, went in the living room and fell asleep. The grammar lived downstairs. The boneheads, we call them bonehead. That was my name for Amiel at rest in peace. And he's on the couch. He passes out. The kitchen goes on fire. Old man Amiel gets up, wakes Kurt up, wakes Chrissy up, runs down. They take the grandmother out in the wheelchair. They're all outside. They're looking at the fire department comes and they make a hole in the kitchen because there was so much heat in the kitchen. They're all outside. The fire department says is everybody here that lived in the house? They're like, yeah, wait a second. Amiel is missing, right? They go in the house and there's Amiel asleep on the chair. And they go, Amiel,

Amiel, and he wakes up, he goes, what? My french fries ready? Get the fuck off me. Where's my fries at? Your fries. Where's my french fries? You just burnt the fucking kitchen down. Tonya, always a pleasure. I was great to see you. Thank you for the book you sent my wife. She's going to read it again on the way to Nashville on Wednesday. And come back on the show whenever the fuck you want, whatever you have to promote, whatever you want to talk about. You were beautiful this morning. I'm proud of you. I love you. Thanks, Coco. Well, thanks for giving me the opportunity. It was so great to see you doing stand up in DC. I can't wait to see you again. I haven't laughed that long, that hard in a really, really long time. I'm very proud of you.

I'm proud of you guys. And that's my bestie, your husband. I love you. Flying juice. Say hello. You didn't even talk to Tonya. Hey, Dr. Tonya. Hey, how are you? Good. I like seeing you on the podcast. I watched you last night talking about Bianculo. About Danny Bianculo. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Look, he's all cool. I smoked hash with him today. Look at him. He's all fucked up. Yeah, he's all fucked up. I don't know how you guys do that in the morning. I don't do it. He does it. What the fuck? You got to get up and bang it out. I love you, Tonya. Thank you, my love. Have a great day. Bye, guys. You too. So go to Dr. Tonya, www.drtonia.com. T-A-N-I-A. She's a bad motherfucker. I'm very proud of her. She's beautiful. I mean, it's amazing what she's done with herself.

I can see how funny it would be getting her because Lisa's in the documentary and I met Lisa and they seem like they seem like they might be like similar. They seem very similar. Let me give some shout outs and we get the fuck out of here, right? As usual, I got to tell you, Annette comes fucking through. I'm living on that alpha brand again. You know, I got too many red blood cells and I think it's that fucking shroom tech because they put those silver, silver and fucking mushrooms in there. You know what? I should be getting the vanilla hemp force this week. Once I drink it, I'll let you know how it is. Vanilla hemp force. They ain't fucking around. And I heard from Rogan. I heard from somebody else that it tastes tremendous. I love vanilla

shakes. I'm a vanilla shake man thin every time I go out. So I'm in fucking heaven. Don't get me wrong. I'll bang out a couple of chocolate shakes if you let me go to annette.com and press what dog church like that. C H R C H just C H you are C H. What are you laughing about? You're trying to pretend you're not high and you just put away like two extra joins during that conversation. You told me, dawg, I don't fuck around. I got and it's got the hash in it. I got shit to do. You know, I got shit to do. I got to get high today. I got to go throw kettlebells around. I got to go to an audition. I love it. You don't want no more this. No, I'm not in on this. I'm not. Let me give some shout outs. All right. My main man, John Manchester. Royal G go to his

YouTube fucking page. He's up jumping up and down. Gary Gray, a little black dude, cool mother fucking Nikki D. Big Nick from Sydney. I love you, cocksucker. And Zach Donda. And again, Alan Rodriguez. He sent us some beautiful fucking things. He sent us a playlist of all the music we play on this. You tell me that tremendous. I think I left you one here. No, I fucked up. I fucked up. He got away. I love all this shit. You know what I'm saying? I love smoking dope. I love Mondays. You got to get up on Mondays and fucking salute. You got to look good. That's why you got to go to Dollar Shave Club and you got to fucking get a package, either a dollar, $6 or $9 a month, get razors, get the whole fucking cartridge. You get the juju juice,

the shaving butter with the $9 package. The beautiful thing about this, you got to fix. You got to fix the amount every fucking month. So if you spend $6 a month on razors, that's 72 dollars a year. That leaves you money for reefer to go to strip clubs to jump up and down. You go to UFC's. You could buy a fucking Yamaha. You could do whatever the fuck you want to do. And also, I want to give a shout out to Hulu Plus. They just added some more shows. I think Supernatural. Hulu Plus keeps getting better and better and the deal remains the same. I'm going to give you two weeks for free. You're going to press in. Joey. In the box. Joey. J-O-E-Y. In the box. Hulu. They're going to give you two weeks. Gratice. You go through there. I don't give a fuck if you live

on Hulu for two weeks. Go take advantage of it and then pay me $99 a month. $7.99 a month. I'm slipping here. I'm going over the Jew fucking correct. You can't believe the deal was that good. $8 times 10. That's $80. $96. How much? $96 a year. You get Hulu Plus for 72. You get the razors. So for $200, I get your Hulu Plus. I get your TV and you can look sharp so you bring the bitches over. You eat popcorn. Bam! And you shave. That's how we do it here. Hulu Plus. Give it a shot. Columbus Day. Today's Columbus Day. You got to do something outside the norm. If you've never jumped off a building, jump off a fucking building. If you've never... What, bitch? What are you going to do today outside the norm? I don't know, but don't jump off a building. Well, whatever.

Put the fucking parachute on. I don't give a fuck. You got to do something. It's Columbus. Columbus won a round the fucking world to discover he took a chance. He killed Indians. He raped motherfuckers. He did a bunch of bad things, but today they give him a fucking day off. Well, what the fuck are you laughing about? I'm talking to these people. Well, I love you guys. I had a great time in San Francisco, man. I really did. I don't know. A lot of people don't know that's why I cut my criminal teeth. I used to use fucking credit cards up there. Travelers checks. When you could use travelers checks, they wouldn't ask you for an ID and match up the fucking signature Chinatown. They would let you do whatever the fuck those Chinese people don't give a fuck.

Corruption is their middle name. Chinese C for corruption. And you were right. Now, when I told... Sorry, I'm just thinking about deals now. I took Virgin on the way home. That's awesome. I've never flown Virgin before. Where'd you fly up there? Southwest. And when'd you fly back up here? Virgin. Virgin America? Yeah. How fucking cool. It was awesome. I went in and I did the price line thing because tickets were crazy. And they put me in a middle seat and I don't do well in middle seats. So I walked in at six in the morning. I asked, they put me in one of the six row or something, which I think is normally more expensive. I walked up. Even the guy at the gate was talking really quietly and he was all nice and it was awesome. Leather seats.

Did you have somebody next to you? No. I had someone in the window seat. And it was nice. Did you order some food in there? No. It's like a 45 minute flight. You might as well get your party stuff. Did you get an Irish cream and ice cubes on the rocks? No. What the fuck, Lee? You represent the church. You got to represent the church. You got to put your fucking leg up with a cock. Every time I go to one of your shows, I'm like, all right, I'm just going to drink tonight. I would like to go to a bar after with everyone. Every time I get too high and I ended up going back and going to sleep. What the fuck does it matter with you? You're going high and going. That's why I want to eat nettles every day. That's how smoking happens.

I don't know how you do it. I'm trying to get you up there in that shape. I don't want to be up there. You got to be up there. You understand me? So we talked about some great stuff today. It's Monday. Listen, all I want you to do is get up and get the fuck out there. San Francisco, I loved you motherfuckers and I'm happy you guys came out and supported. I'm sorry if some of my shows were a little fucked up. Ari kicked ass and my man butch kicked ass. Next week, I'm in Ontario starting Thursday, the 16th, 17th and 18th Ontario improv. Get your tickets. I don't know what the fuck the phone number is. Go online and the week after that, I'm in Jackson, motherfucking Tennessee, Jackson, Tennessee at Harveys, South Street. Go down there and get some pasta.

I'm doing one show at nine o'clock tickets at 20 fucking bucks. Come on down. I'm going to be up there with my wife and my niece. What the fuck, Lee? Oh shit. Oh, you're bringing the niece? Yeah. Is that the first time she's going to see you? Yep. Are you nervous? No, I don't want my niece to come. My niece is a little bit nervous. That's what I was going to say because you love your niece. I can't imagine it. I love my niece. I don't want her anymore. I'm out of my fucking hooligan friends and shit and seeing my little fucking disgusting ass on stage and I'm saying, but I'm happy you showed up today, Lee. You look good. You got high early on. I want to thank all our sponsors. I want to thank everybody who listens to the podcast, the t-shirts and the hats

are coming soon. The designs, oh shit, long sleeve sweatshirt, hoodies, a fucking jujitsu patch, a fucking Sons of Anarchy jacket type fucking gangster. It's going to say death squad and the church up on town. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Get out there, motherfuckers. Smoke some reefer, a little oatmeal, take some vitamins, drink some water, get out there, fucking live your fucking dream. You only get one shot at this, bro. Once you're in that fucking hole, there ain't no coming back. Even the crow. The crow came back for a couple of hours, but that's the crow. You know what I'm saying? The guy, Bruce Lee's son. Oh, look who the fuck is the crow? The fucking crow. He came back for a couple hours, but I thought he had an issue on your street or something. No, there

ain't no coming. There ain't no coming back. So get it together. I love you, cock suckers. See you Wednesday with an afternoon special podcast where my man Tom Rhodes is in the fucking house. I love you, cock suckers. Stay black. Play for them, Lee. I will. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to

dollarshaveclub.com slash church or joeyds.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. I love you guys. Have a great day. Here we go. You're gonna have a great day. Closing up with this shit. I love you, motherfuckers. Wednesday, one o'clock. Tom Rhodes in the fucking house. Friday, Thursday, Saturday, Ontario Improv. Next week, Jackson, whatever. South Street. Get your details now, cock-lickers. I love you. Have a great day. Be safe. Do it, Lee. Jess, waking up in the morning. Gotta thank God. I don't know, but today seems kinda high. No parking from the door. No small. And mama cooked a breakfast with no home. I got my girl bone, but didn't dig out. Finally got a call from a girl. I wanna dig out.

So hooked it up for later as I hit the door. Bicking while I live. Another 24. I gotta go cause I got near drop top. And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop. Had to stop at a red light. Looking in my mirror, not a jacker in sight. And everything is alright. I gotta beat them kids and she get fucked.