Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 10/28/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #123

Episode Date: October 29, 2013

Joey and Lee rocking it solo on a Monday morning. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/28/2013. Uodate: Sophie is back with the rescue orginization with the hopes that Lee can move soon. If not she will be adopted to a loving family.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. And buy dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. Motherfucking day to be alive. The church of what's happening now. Coming at you, you bad motherfuckers. Crank that shit up, please. I didn't know you were Blink 182 fans.

I'm not a Blink 182 fan. That's a Green Day. That's a Green Day? Yeah, fuck. Get it together. You're slipping. Oh, whatever. Better get it together, cock sucker. You know why you're not getting it together? Why? Because you're not hitting this fucking reefer. That's why. Because you want to sit over there like a mortal ton of Monday. You got to get high on Monday. It's gonna rain. Ain't nothing gonna fucking happen. Again, Monday, October 28. What's happening? You beautiful motherfuckers. Sorry we're late, but that's how it goes down sometimes. I got in from Nashville like fucking nine o'clock. The luggage driving back and I got home, my wife, talk, fix the fucking house. One the goddamn morning. But guess what? I'm here.

Got up at 445, washed my pussy, ate some special K, took my vitamins and a fucking banana. Are you kidding me or what? Bitches. Bitches. Look at Lee today. I'll fire it up and shit. Fucking great time in Jackson, Tennessee. I'd like to thank the club, Harvey's, South Street, been there 27 fucking years. It's smelled like fucking comedy in that bitch. I'm pissed off because that's, it was on the 40, I think. Like when I drove, I drove past that three times on the way out here and I was like, fuck, I could have gone and done something because there's nothing to do when you're driving cross country. No, it's Jackson. But Jackson, Tennessee is fucking different because there's Nashville and Memphis and Chattanooga and Knoxville

and Jackson's like this. I don't know. It's like an hour from my in-laws, maybe. And it's a, it's this weird town that has every place in the world to eat. Like you name it, every fucking chain is there. But okay, chain. Cause I was going to say like, would you eat the sushi in Jackson, Tennessee? No, I considered it. I thought about it because I was saying where the fuck they catch that Albuquerque from? What fucking lake did that come from? But I, I go to get a hibachi and shrimp, you know, if they had it, but we just ate at home. We just ate, but it's a neat place. I mean, it's next to this place called Bordos. Okay. The club. It's an Italian place. And when we were at a store, we were talking to some lady and she said her mother applied there

for a waitressing job in like 1967, but it was really a strip club. Jesus. They were already showing their tits in Jackson, Tennessee. And it's so weird because that whole area has more fucking churches per capita than anything in the world. Like that ride up on the, whatever the 40, I think it was, fucking thousands of churches and all of a sudden I think that Jackson has this, uh, this air for being like a bad little fucking joint, you know, like just a bad ass little fucking town. But do you see, I don't know if it's in Tennessee, but like I said, when I was driving, it's fucking depressing. Like this I thought acres and acres of farmland, but they don't grow anything anymore. Like,

because the government or whatever, like they pay them not to. So like they have billboards. And it says like, it's like, fuck. I don't know. I mean, I'm like, huh? Does it say fuck? No, there are a lot of like the Jesus Christ will save you sin stuff. But like it's, it's, did you pull over and fucking buy your head cock suck? Maybe Jesus could have saved. No, I had people be like, don't tell them you're Jewish. Don't tell them you're Jewish. No, no, no, I didn't see one fucking Jew. No, but they were everyone's cool. I mean,

but you don't see no fucking Jews. Well, yeah, that's because I don't know. No temple. You didn't see one fucking temple. There's no, there's no Jews in the fucking South Carolina, but there's no good locks in the South. Maybe that's why. No, that was nothing. But it was just, it was just a weird, it was a great weekend. I had a great week of my family. Nothing was weird about it. The only thing that was weird was how the club had an Italian restaurant next to elite. Some of the best Italian food I've had in the

last 20 fucking years. What do you have? Like I rank it up there with original Joe's with a different flavor to it. First off, I was in Jackson, Tennessee. The salad was fucking amazing. All right, I had a huge fucking salad. And then I had a half order of spaghetti and meatballs, so they brought me one meatball and a little bit of spaghetti. Okay. Lee, delicious. The meatball world fucking class in Jackson, Tennessee. Was someone on like, uh, what is it called, uh, witness protection or something? Could have been, but I mean, it was fucking delicious. You know, a thousand people told me,

you're going to eat at a world class, right? That spaghetti and meatballs is delicious. The shrimp that my wife had with some sausage shrimp spaghetti was fucking to die for. All this in Jackson, Tennessee, and I can't get a decent fucking meatball in LA. You believe that shit? Makes you fucking think. Can't get a decent meatball in fucking LA. My wife says that that meatball is delicious. You can't get a fucking meatball in LA. So you live and you learn. Is there a lot of desk water in Jackson? I don't know where it is really in between, uh, Nashville and, uh, what did you say? That squad is like dog shit. They're fucking everywhere now. They really are. It's,

it's fucking amazing. And I am proud to be a part of it. I mean, you guys, you come out, you come out to every fucking show, whether it's Joe or me or Segura, they're soldiers, man. And that's why we're having a great time. And that's why things are fucking happening. And people like, Hey, you got to get on board. You got to get on board. That squad, bitches. Speak the church. That's why whatever the fuck you got. Speaking of that, the honor, I remember, thank you to Felipe Esparza. He invited me and my girl out to his show on Saturday to the six o'clock show because all three shows were fucking sold out and it was a great time. And, uh, thank you to the ice house too. They were

very nice and they, they, they bought our drinks and it was very, it was very cool of them. So I had to be in a great time. No, no, no, Felipe is a great comedian, man. He really is a great comedian when he won a lot, uh, last comic standing, a lot of the comics that you didn't like him. Why not? Because they're, they're racist or whatever the fuck their problem was. I mean, even in the Midwest, the guy that took second was talking a lot of shit about Felipe and shit, like he was a spank, but funny is funny. Funny doesn't have a fucking color to it. So it really doesn't fucking matter at all what they think. But Felipe is my brother to the end. You know, when I first got here, he contacted me right away. He saw me on Latino night and he fucking

kept giving me work everywhere. Like he kept giving me work everywhere, everywhere around town. He kept giving me work. So it was, uh, we bonded. I mean, over the years, if he got a gig, I got the gig. Like if he got the gig, he'd say, Joe Diaz and they would fly me up with him. And for years, that's how it went down. So it's really weird to see him, uh, rocking and rolling. He's huge in LA. Oh, I, I know. I used this in the line. I take pictures. He put pictures on Twitter up that guys had his face, uh, shaved in the back of his head and of their head. It was fucking cool. No, it's, it's fucking crazy. And it's Felipe. And you know, man, you know, somebody like Felipe, you know, you, you see all these different people

from different, all right. What I'm trying to say is this, when I started getting into comedy or acting, I really had nobody to look up to. I had Chi Chi from Scarface. He was the only other Cuban in comedy and there's Al Romero down in LA. And he's a, he was down in Miami. He's a, uh, but he's a cruise ship guy. He used to be at the store years early, Al Romero, very sweetheart of a guy. So when I saw Steven Bowen Scarface, those are my early influences because they let me know I could do something. Wow, that guy's Cuban, Andy Garcia. I could do this. And that's what Felipe is doing in a subtle way for these kids. You know, he's from Boyle Heights to some shit. There's fucking nothing down. That's East LA. You know, he's, he's got nine brothers

and sisters, one of them is fucking gay. I mean, Felipe's got, you know, a story and a half to his life. He just don't fucking talk like I do. You know, if anybody needs a podcast, just to start from A to Z is Felipe. And, uh, just to see that he won last comic standing and dog, he's always been generous with us. You know, when we were shooting the documentary, he floated this fucking 500 bucks, you know, just like that without even fucking thinking about it. You know, he's the executive producer of that documentary. I mean, uh, it's weird. It's weird when you step out of your comfort zone and you meet people. Like I never thought that I'd have friends after I left New Jersey. Really? Yeah. I never thought I'd have friends. I never thought, I didn't know you made

friends the way we do. And I look around me now and I see that everybody that I have around me in my life is not somebody I grew up with. It's somebody I met out here, you know, one way or another. And it's really weird that your life goes on for people who go, I can never think of leaving my friends and shit. Your friends are very important. They're your anchors. They'll keep you there the rest of your life. But you meet these new people that replace or not even replace, they're just their own bolt of fucking lightning, you know? So it's very interesting when you're traveling, when you get out of your shit and you, uh, whatever the fuck, you know what I'm saying? So what happened this weekend? You got a fucking dog. Yeah, I fucking, you get to my house, you play with

the cats. Well, yeah, cause you went away and you called me the other day and you said to me, I'm thinking of getting a fucking cup of spaniel or whatever. By that time you had the fucking dog. No, I didn't. So I've been, I had a dog in Boston and I've always wanted, I've wanted a dog out here, but I never had the time and my job is ending soon. So I thought it would be the perfect time. And I've been thinking about it, thinking about it. And I saw that they had these adoption events and it just, it, it broke my heart before, but it's something you kind of can't think about cause you'll, you'll drive yourself insane. Like just the amount, especially in LA with so many people, how many dogs are getting in cats and all animals are getting put down. Like they, like

they last like 72 hours in there. And it's like, why couldn't I, why couldn't I help one of them? And the thing that really set me off was for people who saw on Twitter, I was playing with their cats and I did these Vine videos and they were so cool. And like I was over there, I went over after work one day, one in the morning and I watched Law and Order and I gave them, what is it, what's the treat? Fancy whatever, it's the treat. Whatever. And they all came out of the woodwork, even Evie and Lulu, who don't really mess with me really that much, but they came out when they heard the bag. And I was like, okay, I could fucking do this. And I went on Saturday to two Petco's and I found one, the one I have and I fell in love with her and I was like, okay, I have to

think about it. And I went home and I went back and forth and I made a deal with my girl and I said, listen, we'll go to lunch. We'll go and hang out. We'll go back. If she's there, it was meant to be. If not, it wasn't. We went and she was and we went and we got her cleaned because she was all, she had been matted up and they cleaned up a little bit, but she was still dirty. We got her clean. We got all this stuff. And I could have sworn when I got this place that they said, sign a, just pay a pet deposit and you're cool because there's other dogs in the building. When I get, when I get home, a neighbor sees me and tells on me and the landlord tells me, oh, no, they were grandfathered in, but now it's no pets. So now you have three days to get out

or, or your, or Vic did, or, so I can look for a place with a, that accepts dogs. But the more I think about it, I, I, I fucked up and you, I was going with my heart. Like you want, like, who doesn't want to have a fucking dog and be able to play with it and make something else happy. But even, even when I'm done working, I'm busy and I'm fucking, I was fucking petrified for like an hour because she wasn't being quiet before we got here. Like, because she had, I woke her up and I went out, took her for a walk and she was excited and wanted to play. I was like, oh fuck, she's not going to be quiet for the podcast, but she's actually being really cool. But I don't, unfortunately, it's, and it's, it's a kind of hacky to say, but you can't have everything.

So, unfortunately, right now I don't think a dog is something I can have. And before people get mad at me, the place, and I'm actually going to have the lady on my podcast, the place that she's going to go back to, um, is the no kill place. They, she was only there for two days. She's been, what's her name? Uh, it's called much. Yeah. No, what's her name? Her name is Sophie. Sophie. And she's beautiful. Yeah, she's great. She's a year old. She's a year old and she would cry last night. She didn't like the bed, but she would be quiet when I was rubber and then we wouldn't lay it on the couch. And I, I, I love dogs. I would love to keep her, but I just, I don't think it, I don't think it's best for her. I can tell you're brokenhearted. It's a, it's a horrible decision

because you're, I mean, you're not, you're not going to have to give any of them up. But with, with your daughter in the, how much you're traveling now, you said it's been affecting your cats a little bit. Yeah. Cause they don't, I don't have enough time for the attention, but my wife was away those two weeks. I hung out with them a lot. I brushed them a lot. I gave them treats a lot. I was always, I have them on a schedule. I have my cats on a schedule, believe it or not. You know, like, uh, Thursdays is catnip Thursday and Monday is catnip Tuesdays and Wednesdays is the treats, you know, Friday, I'll try to give them a little piece of the shrimp. I always have an activity for them every day. I try to, you know, I have too many cats,

so I can't brush them on the same day and give them the same attention. So I break it down. I'll do two one afternoon, two that night, two the next morning, and then I'll rotate them. I'll start all over again. So I'm very active with my cats. I don't like leaving my cats when I go on vacation. No, you don't. I fucking hate it. I hate it because you make a commitment, you know, and that's why I know how you feel. You're a very strong-willed guy, you know. You make a commitment. That's why I said to you, check everything out. Check everything out because you never fucking know, you know. Yeah. Uh, you know, one of the things I never talk about is it wasn't even my mother's death. That was as bad as seriously. It wasn't moving in with the benders. That was bad

and having to start a whole new life at 15 or 16. It was that that August, when I got out of the hospital before I got sick, I too adopted a dog. When did you get sick? When I was 15. Oh, the paracoat thing? Yeah, I got paracoats. When I came out of the hospital, I adopted this dog. My mother and I, somebody brought a dog and his name was Crystal. It was a white dog with yellow spots and a black spot on its back. And the dog's name was Crystal T. That's why I named it up to Crystal T-H-C. That's how fucked up on drugs I was at the time. And I loved the dog. The dog slept with me. He lived in the house. We fed him. Everything was cool. I took him for walks. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I didn't know how to raise a dog or how to give

a log. You know, I would just hug him and squeeze him. And when my mother died, I had to do something with the fucking dog. I couldn't take him to the benders. They already had a dog. So I had to give the dog away. And I'll tell you, man, that was, that's till this day that I stayed with me like a fucking badge of honor. And I had to give the dog away to a friend of mine, to their family, who they loved animals. Our name was Nina. She loved animals, but she had so many of them. And they were everywhere. They were outside. They were inside the house. And I remember months after my mother dying, me missing the dog and jumping the fence one night, drunk in the eye and going over there and playing with the dog and kissing the dog. And like just, and that dog, that dog, I'd

have no pictures of it, but it's edged in my fucking mind that I had to walk away from that dog because my mother was dying. I was a young kid. It's always fucking bothered me. It's something that I've lived with. So, you know, I hope that you work this out, Lee. I hope that whether, maybe somebody could help us give the name of the organization and somebody could go down and adopt this dog and we could be all in the family and keep it all together. She's a beautiful fucking dog. Yeah, it's Montchat, M-U-T-T-S-H-A-C-K. And they go to Petco and Burbank and Pasadena. And that's when I got her at. And they're actually all around the country. So, if you want to, if you are looking for a dog, help them out. And I could still move, but I would have to move in

three days and I don't think that's going to be humanly possible. And people, and I fucked, I even went on Twitter and said, should I get a dog? And everyone was like, just make sure you can handle it. It's tough to admit when you make a mistake. Because everyone wants to think. The bigger the man, the bigger the fucking mistake. Everyone wants to think you could do it. Like, who doesn't think you can handle a beautiful little dog? Like, as a human being, that's something you should be able to do. And at some point in your life, I'm ready for it, but I don't have enough. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair to have to keep her in a crate. And trust me, even when I'm home all day, like, I don't know, I just...

You're going to take her to work with you today? Yeah, no, I'm going to bring her back before I go to work. You're going to cry? Yeah, I already did. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, it's, it's... Well, before you cry about a fucking Tony Bennett, I want to be around. Somebody help us with this fucking dog, Cogs Office. Oh, yeah. Monday, October 28th, you got two fucking months left to do something with your fucking life or shoot yourself New Year's Eve. I don't know what the fuck that's like.

Here you go, little Tony Bennett, Cogs Office. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Oh, shit. Reefer fucking having a look at Sophie over there, sitting with her black little collar on her white hand. Cute little fucking song. You know, it's crazy, man, because... Oh, you got to be good to you. It's so funny. I was in a gas station at this fucking town in Tennessee, and there were some farmers in there or whatever the fuck they were talking

when I was getting coffee. And so we had our in the South animals. Just no, not much respect towards animals. You know, you see animals running across the fucking road. When I was laying on my in-laws, they have two cats. The cats live outside. Every time I've gone back, they've had fucking cats, but they get attacked by something. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ, he's a two black fucking kitten. Well, I'm coming that night, you know, but it's different. But with this gas station, and some guys talking about how, you know, he shot a dog one fucking time. You know, he had to shoot a couple of dogs that ate his corn,

he shot this German shepherd right between the fucking head, and it's eight in the morning. I'm trying to get coffee, and this idiot's talking about this shit, and it's killing me inside. Listen, I'd rather kill a human being before I fucking shot a dog or hit a dog. Years ago, four or five, six fucking years ago, I'm driving back on Wilshire. Wilshire, and right there, there's a split by, I guess not Vermont. Santa Monica? No, it's a, you're coming back, and it's Wilshire. You're on that side street, like a Highland. You're on Highland, and if you go past Wilshire, like all the way to

fuck down and come back, it gets kinky, and the road breaks, and I was breaking the fucking dog came on, and I think I hit the fucking dog on the side and run him over. He just banged into my car, the side of the car. He was getting chased by somebody else or something, and I remember turning around and seeing him all fucked up. He wasn't down, and that ruined my goddamn week. I'd rather smack the fuck out of a human being before something happens with an animal. It really does. I look at my fucking cats, and I understand my wife. My wife, those are her babies, and my wife gives them as much attention as she can with her baby, and I give them as much fucking attention, and I stop. When I see an animal on the street, I pull over and try to help, but yeah, for a long

time, I had fucking, you know, call me whatever the fuck you want. This is what my interest is. My interest is I look at an animal. It's so weird. This guy that was talking about shooting fucking dogs, he was walking with a limp, like he was walking all fucked up, like his knees were all fucked up, and he had a big shoe on. Let me tell you something about Cubans and what they believe I loved Juan. You know, Juan smacked that guy one time because of the dog, for him hitting that German Shepherd, whatever the fuck kind of dog it was when we were kids. And for like a year, I quizzed Juan on St. Lazarus. Why does the dog, you know, when you're a kid, you quiz people. Like, so wait a second. So you hit that guy because he had a dog and the dog belonged to St.

Lazarus. St. Lazarus is a Christian statue, in my mind at the time. I was six or seven. Yeah, you had it in your house, right? Yeah. But at that time, we didn't have a St. Lazarus. We had just little ones. St. Lazarus was the saint St. Lazarus in Cuba, that wears his colors purple when he has crutches, and they had a dog licking his wounds. They had lepers. He was a leper. They had lepers seeing the dogs licking his wounds. Juan, the clique he belonged to, the abaquas, they dedicate their life to St. Lazarus. Well, the birthdays, December 17th, and they go fucking crazy. It's a big celebration in Cuba. But when you have arthritis or you have something wrong with your bones or you have,

and I know you people listen like, Joey, what the fuck? Why are you hitting this with religion? Why? Because this is what the fuck I know about. So you're supposed to, you know, you can make a promise to the saint that you're well purple for a year, like a purple t-shirt, or a purple shirt. Everything that you do is dedicated to this fucking saint for a year. You won't eat something. I don't know, I don't know exactly, but you dedicate your life to this saint, and it heals all your fucking bone problems and all this shit. So why this guy's saying this shit to me? How he shot his German ship. And one time, I shot this big old colleague that was eating my turnip grip. So what the fuck he was saying? And I'm looking at this guy's legs,

and I'm like, that's what you get, you miserable fucking bastard. St. Lazarus got fucking plans for you, cock sucker. He's like fucking, in my mind St. Lazarus is like Denzel and Man on Fire. He's just stabbing motherfuckers who do things to dogs. And it's funny because, you know, when Michael Vick got sentenced, like I've always said this before, he couldn't go to a lot of federal prisons. A lot of federal prisons wouldn't take him because they had a high concentration of Cuban abacuas. All you need is three or four of those motherfuckers and you're dying. You don't need no 60 fucking white guys that hate Jews and niggers. All you need are four fucking Cuban abacuas and somebody, one of those motherfuckers will get to you because

they'll die if they don't. They're like bomb terrorists. You know what I'm saying? They're the same way. They're going to kill you in jail if they don't give a fuck what happens to them afterward. They have a goal and once they achieve it, you're fucking done. If it's slicing your fucking neck, I guess you're the one that's going down. Lee Leland looking like a little fucking kid all depressed. Somebody saved Sophie. This dog needs, but the best thing is you bring it to a no kill. I don't understand all this shit. I don't understand how they could kill an animal in three fucking days, but I understand it caused money and manpower to fucking vote. This is what you do. You get convicts who are doing community service to go to those fucking

things and that's free. And how much does it cost to feed a dog and a cat? $3 a day, $10 not even, not even. I feed fucking cats all the goddamn time. Those little cans of fancy feast are 49 cents. You give them a half a can and dry food. They ain't fucking killing you. They could last a lot more, but I don't make the rules and I don't supply to them. So I don't understand the whole thing behind it. You ever see Dr. Kevin Vett, the veterinarian on Animal Planet? No. He's a comedian. Denver, Kevin Fitzgerald. Really? And I used to talk to him a lot about animals. He takes, look at her little head. She's a cute little fucking girl. It's sad. It's sad. I love animals and we all fucking do. But anyway,

we're the original fucking animal. What else is going on, Lisa? We got live fucking podcast Wednesday night with Ari Shafi and a big bag of Cheebo chews. I'm feeling good today. I hope everybody's feeling good. Like I said, I really did sleep four and a half fucking hours. I woke up and I slept for two minutes over the alarm, which I never do. I always beat the alarm. I slept for two minutes. I thought I was going to NASA's. They were talking about the moon or some shit on this radio station. My wife had on that. I got up. I knew I was in trouble. I took my fucking pill. I took my coffee. And after that, I made a little fucking banana combination. I took a couple of alpha brains and I ate an apple. I had some cereal. And I'll tell you what,

I feel like a new man. I don't know what the rest of the day is going to bring because it's going to be cloudy out and I really have nothing on the agenda except for jiu-jitsu tonight, you know? And I got to go. I ate like a fucking savage this weekend. Do you have what's your wife's family make? Did they make anything good? They made fucking tremendous breakfast. That's what they made. Their bacon is out of this world. It's amazing. When you go to different parts of the United States and you eat the food, how different it tastes in different regions. Yeah. You know, when you're in the Midwest, you know you're in the fucking Midwest. The vegetables. We opened right up with that

Jimmy Kelly's in Nashville. As soon as I landed Thursday, I was high as fuckly, high as fuck. What's Jimmy Kelly's? Jimmy Kelly's is like a little steakhouse. Oh nice. We got NAS. As soon as we got to Nashville, me, her, my wife, and the sister-in-law, went over to Jimmy Kelly's. We threw down some, I got a beautiful tomato, onion, salad, and leaf with a spicy Italian dressing on it. Oh my god, Lee. It was big fucking tomatoes on top of white onions and the spicy and you cut the fucking onion. Nobody else at the table, we eat them. So I had to eat the whole tomato, onion, fucking appetizer by myself. I loved it. We got a little shrimp cocktail. Oh yeah. We got a little crab cake action. And then I ordered a

little fucking steak. I didn't eat a lot of meat that day. I focused on it. I'm trying to really get healthy, but I can't. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I have no idea. My stomach's getting bigger and fucking bigger. I don't eat desserts. What are you working out? I mean, it has, you have to be getting healthy. You don't have to be healthy, but like it's just the way to knock them off. Well, I got off this testosterone. I'm gonna go take the blood out again this week. Hopefully I just looked up a blood cross, a red cross, whatever. I can't believe they got to take a fucking pint out. That's 16 goddamn ounces. Stop thinking about it. Jesus Christ. But the last night again, me and my wife, she didn't watch Sons of Anarchy on Tuesday,

so we watched last week's episode, which kind of sucked. I don't know where the fuck it's going. They had a fucking transvestite. They had to save the family, your kid. What the fuck? They're bikers. Why are they hanging out with a fucking transvestite for? I don't, unless they're gonna kill a chopper up into fucking pieces. Why are they hanging out with a fucking transvestite? And I got nothing against transvestites. But why the fuck would you want to hang out with a bike again? The whole time you're there, you're thinking somebody's gonna stab me in the fucking neck eventually. I'm a fucking transvestite. I don't understand that episode. So is it one of the episodes like it's leading to something? Yeah, it's leading to something. It's going to get all

fucked up on Sons of Anarchy, trust me, because the Irish, the fucking black, it's going to go to war. They got no shed. They got the thing got blown up. Where the fuck are they going? They're five fucking bikers here. They're not even X-men or nothing like that. You know what I'm saying? They got felony one. How the fuck are you going to act, Lee? Where are you going to go? I don't know, man. It's Monday, bitch. I wouldn't hang out with a transvestite, but I don't know. I'm telling you, I'm fired up today. Half of me is fired up. I'm trying to be conservative. I feel bad for Lee and the goddamn dog. But we got a bust out. I got some fucking alpha brain in me. You need some alpha brain. Go to honet.onet.com. They're getting stronger every day. They sent me

that Stivy. I've been using it with my coffee fucking tremendous and it mixes and matches with all the other great stuff they got on there. They got battle ropes and all that stuff, but I can't get your discount on that. What I'm getting your discount on is the minerals, the vitamins, the hemp force proteins, the new vanilla, what I saw. Asahi. I see whatever the fuck you call it. You got the hemp force chocolate bars, the protein bars. You got the alpha brain. You got the new mood, which fucking you sleep like a baby. You got the shroom tech, which will give you two extra hours of fucking savage energy. Even I get it, like a fucking savage. You're sitting there going, why am I tired? I mean, you're huffing puff. You could tell you want to do it one more

time. You know what I'm saying? So give it a fucking shot. Go to honet.com, press the code word. What is it? Church. Church bitch. C-H-U-R-C-H. And get yourself some fucking honor and get your day going bitches. Right now it's time to smoke this fucking number. What do you got for me though? You got some music? Absolutely. What the fuck? Let's fire the hell up here. It's Monday, October 28th. Trick or treat it. Suck my dick. Fucking that's Thursday. Today you got to focus. You got to go out there and sling motherfucking dick. Oh shit. Hold on one second. Sorry. What happened? The ads started playing again. You're killing me. You got to get it together. You're over there petting the dog like an evil fucking, like you're some evil guy that's going

to take over the world. So you're slipping. Get it together. What can I say? Oh shit. Oh shit. This podcast is brought to you by Dollar Shave Cup. We'll shave your fucking pussy. A dollar, six dollars and nine dollars. Let's do it without the song behind it. Who gives a fuck? We're just dropping it on him right now. Let these motherfuckers know what's cracking. He's a cute dog, Lee. Yeah, she's great. How many pit bulls they have done that? None. A bunch of Chihuahuas. Yeah, Chihuahuas number two. Now I don't know what the fuck it is with Chihuahuas. These people, you get a Chihuahua, you bring it home. I mean, you can put a Chihuahua in your fucking pocket.

You know? Hit it. Lee, where's the volume today? Where's the volume on that music? Kick that motherfucker, Lee. What? Big payback motherfuckers. Grab your ball, sniff your fingers, get out there. You got it coming to you. Hey, man, here's the thing you got to see. Hey. What are we doing, Lee? Look at Lee. We're going to your back, Lee. Where'd you eat this weekend? Beside Philippa. You take the wife's teeth and you start juicing. What happened with the juices up for sale?

Did you trade it for the dog? Yeah, basically, no, we went to BJ's yesterday for breakfast. Where's BJ's? Pasadena. Right next to where we got the dog. It's a good place. Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah, they got a good soup. They got a good chicken tortilla soup and they got a nice salad over there, a nice Asian salad. Yeah, I got a chicken sandwich. It was nice. What can you do? I was thinking about something kind of weird. What were you thinking about? Because I'm starting my own podcast. I was like, when I started this, I didn't want to be on it. And I was like, why didn't I want to be on it? And it's kind of weird. I wasn't really, I wasn't disliked as a kid, but I didn't have a lot of friends. And like, you know what? I wasn't

like a pariah, but I don't know if it's because I was nice or what it was, but not a lot of people. Hearing you talk about all the friends you had, I had a few friends, but it was never like that for me. And I think it's because I'm shy. And that's hard for me to make friends. But I've had people who like, I've got the bullying thing I think is overblown now. But I've gone through it. So I understand what it means. I actually, there's a TED that some guy who listens to the podcast posted of this guy talking about bullying, which almost made me cry. But he was the bully or he was the bully. He was the person who got bullied. Like a spoken word poem about getting bullied. And I was thinking like, it's kind of like,

I was, I was wondering why I was like, Oh, well, I don't like talking or whatever. But then I was like, I think the reason why is because I don't, I wouldn't believe like people being nice or I don't think anyone would want to listen to what I had to say. And it's, I just want to say thank you because it's been so amazing how nice everyone's been. And at first, like, you kind of believe it because everyone is really amazing. But like, it made me think about where I came from. Like, like the stories you have, it's good. And like, I don't talk to some people from high school because like, you just drift apart. But it's also because I just, I wasn't that close. And like, especially with the stories you have, like you guys are like out of the norm. And I think a lot

of people who listen to this podcast, maybe they weren't bullied, but I don't think I don't think a lot of people have the relationships you have. And it like, it got me. I was thinking about that on the drive home the other night. They don't have the relationships I have, but they had a family. You understand me? So they could talk about going to Thanksgiving dinners and sitting with their cousins and meeting their family. I didn't have that grown up. So God, whoever the fuck takes care of that department, an Hindu or Buddha or whoever made sure that I was taken care of. And he put friends in my life. You know, I really, I really have acquaintances. As you know, I'm a crazy motherfucker. And not too many people want to be around me for some reason or whatever.

I understand it. But the people who aren't my friends, they're my family, they're my brothers. Your beauty on this podcast has been your vulnerability. You know, we're all very vulnerable when people, some people see it and other people, some people don't. You know what, I talk a lot of shit and I got a dirty fucking mouth, but I'd be no better. I'd be the best friend you could have. Number one, number two, you feel my pain. I'm pain driven. You know, some people are motivated by money. Some people, I'm pain driven. I took all that bullying because I didn't get bullied by people. I got bullied by life. Sometimes life bullies you man. And you have to take that and hold it close to your heart and fuel that. You have to fuel that. You know, so this day I get mad

about my stepdad not ever giving me a dollar of my mother's money. Let's pretend the house he broke even. Let's pretend that the jewelry he broke even. What about the property in Miami? But you know what I did, Lee? I took that pain of getting beat and I said, fuck that money. I'm gonna go and make my own money. Do you understand me? So we all have different, it's like I ain't pussy this morning. We all have different needs and desires. I lucked out, man. I lucked out. God took away my family, but he put friends in my life. Friends that I couldn't go three days without talking to. I know what it's like. I know what they're going through. I know what they live. You know, I've been talking to more and more of Loobz a lot. You know, when I went home last time,

I realized what Loobz meant to my life. Loobz, Jimmy Birkle, they're those people that I would not be here if it wasn't for them. There's no way. There's no fucking way. There's no way. Loobz brought me money so many nights. You know how many nights I would wake up right now with no dough and call Loobz and he'd bring $60 to a hotel for me to be able to sleep it off again? You know how hard that is to sleep at all, you know, to be to sleep two hours and for the phone to ring though you're out of here. It's the dead of the winter and you got $3.60 of your pocket. You got no weed. You got no car, you know, and you're stuck somewhere. So that's why I talk about my friends. But on the other hand, you could talk about your family vacations, how you went to Disneyland and then

we all have our fucking positives and we all have our negatives. You just got to take the positive and fucking run with it. You know, and that's the beauty of it. I'm proud of you that you're starting your own. And I think more people that have, you're shy. You're shy. You're naturally shy. I'm wrong with that. Some people like getting up and saying, suck on my dick. You wouldn't put your dick in that chick's mouth that slipped on the fucking couch here. You're a shy dude. I'm not wrong with that. Well, people see it and they relate. I've been to prison. Give it, do you ever talk to somebody? Somebody goes, stay away from that guy. He's been to prison. Yeah. Okay. You talk to me and we hang out. You come to my fucking house. What's the problem?

What is the, what makes me, you understand me? I actually wanted to talk to you about that. There's this guy who I went to high school with, he was a year older than me, who's been in and out of prison. He, like he would rob places, nothing. I don't think anything violent, but he would rob places and, and he went in like a few times and he just got out after like seven months. And there's this girl who lives in the town and they're like, it's on Facebook now and like, they're kind of starting to date and people are talking like, oh, why, why would she do that? And cause she's, she's kind of, she is in the health field. So she's doing pretty well. And like at first I was like, yeah, why would she do that? Like someone just got a prison. But

then I was like, wait, Terry's with Joey. And it granted it was like after, like it was right, it wasn't right after you got out of prison. But like, did she deal with that? Do you think? Uh, you know, because it's kind of fucked up. At first my, my wife told her parents, like without even thinking, she was because they do a background check, shut the fuck up. You don't have to say nothing to nobody. You don't have to say nothing to nobody, you know, in your life. Man, people have had to deal with it. And I love the people that brush it off because you don't know what you're missing. It's like me with broccoli. I refuse to fucking eat broccoli. I don't like the taste. I don't like the texture, but I wish I did eat broccoli because

it's really good for you. So because I don't eat broccoli, I miss out. You know, if you don't talk to somebody cause they went to prison or whatever, first off, women have a fucking save you think every woman has a mommy issue that she's going to take us and save us. Some of us get saved. Some of us take that shit and run to the fucking bank, but we steal your car and your credit card, get our dick sucked on your fucking bed and fuck your sister. I was never that type. But you know, you have to give people a second chance. It's like Michael Vick. Everybody hated on Michael Vick. So did I. He killed fucking dogs. But what type of fucking man would I be if I didn't give Michael Vick a second chance? Because you people that listened to this fucking

podcast gave me a second chance. Even though nothing happened. Listen, people, I'm going to tell you two fucking versions of it and you do what you want. I kidnapped this kid, Kent Vella, and I was charged with kidnapping one and two, which is taking somebody from one room and putting them in the other. That's what the law told you I did. He didn't get hurt. He didn't do anything. We handcuffed him, put him in the fucking living room and that was it. Then the other guy put him in the trunk of a car and drove around with him for a few hours. That's not my fucking problem at all. You know, I started the party. I didn't take him for a fucking joy ride in the trunk. On paper, he was a fucking scumbag just like us, but we tried to fuck up and nothing

happened. No harm, no foul. Why did the fucking state of Colorado spend thousands of dollars in manpower finding out what the fuck we did? You know what? Because we broke the fucking law. We broke the paper law, the street law, it's three scumbags that got what the fuck they deserved. Hopefully now Velo get out and after six months, he'll get a gun and he'll shoot these two motherfuckers down. That's what you're supposed to do or move on with your life. That's what you're supposed to do. But the United States judicial system or the laws said I kidnapped somebody. Right now, I'm living and I've read whatever my life. I don't know what the fuck the other idiots doing and Velo's on Facebook fucking looking old. I don't know what the fuck the other idiots doing.

So we all had the same fucking opportunities afterwards. You understand me? Velo ended up going to jail for something too afterwards, for something would blow. So it was three fucking scumbags that got what the fuck they deserved. Sometimes the police and the law, they help in some situations. Sometimes they don't help. I'm happy they threw me in fucking prison. Really? Fuck yeah, I wouldn't be here talking to you because I made the one, I didn't live like the same way you said something. You said something at the age of 25 that I never even understood. You said that you're going to bring that fucking dog back. And you're going to apologize

and you made a mistake. And the bigger the man, the bigger the fucking mistake. And you do it and it's over with this dog's not going to get killed. Whatever the pretenses, you spent two days with a beautiful animal. You gave it hope. This dog's going to go back now and whatever. Somebody's going to pick it up. Hopefully somebody from the podcast is going to adopt this dog or tell a friend or something. Where the dog is at. But on the other hand of it, what if you just took the fucking dog and left it down the corner? You claim responsibility for yourself. You claim responsibility for yourself at 25. You're way ahead of the game. I didn't claim responsibility for myself at 28 after I was thrown in the fucking jail. That's when I learned about claiming

responsibility. After I got thrown in fucking prison, you learned it right here. It started with a little fucking dog. You know what? You fucked up. That's it. I'll go, I'll give the dog back. I'll give another 300 so she could fucking hold on to him for an extra month and give him nice food and pet him. And that's how life is. And then hopefully in a month, you hit the fucking number. We get a deal. Something happens and we fucking buy a house and you go back and adopt 10 fucking sofas. That's how you make up for your mistakes. That's how you make up for your mistakes. Okay. You fucking correct the mistake. And then just to even out the karma, you go in your fucking pocket and you're fucking straight and shit out. And that's it. That's how you even

had a great mistake. So nobody's feelings are hurt. This dog's going to love you forever. Even after he gets adopted, he's going to think of his fucking little Jew friendly. You know what I'm saying? That Jew was all right. He gave me half of his hummus. Did you give it any hummus, cuck-sucking? No, no, but I fucking give it all the treats and yeah. Sophie. She's good. I was petrified. I was like, maybe if I put the crate in the bathroom because she wants you. Every dog I get doesn't want to be in the crate. All she wants is to be rubbed. Would you want to be in a fucking crate? No, but all these little dogs are cool.

No, throw the fucking crate out. You get an animal to give it 24 hour access into your life. If you're not going to give the animal 24 hour access into your fucking life, leave the fucking animal where it is. Give the animal the best life you could give it. Give the animal the best life you could give it. You will feel so much fucking better about yourself. You know how many times I spend four hours, I get two extra pieces of fucking sushi and I take it to go and I come home and I chop the sushi up and give it to the fucking animals and how they look at me. Cost me four hours to make their fucking day. My mother hated dogs. Well, that's what she said on paper. She loved dogs. She had to because

of San Lazaro because of her Cuban fucking commitment. My mother would go to a butcher and boil bones and take the fat out of the bones and take that fat and put it under dog food for them, for their coat. You put that much effort into the fucking dogs, but you don't like fucking dogs. You understand me? Those are the little things. So please don't get an animal unless you're going to give it 24 fucking seven axes. He's going to go around with a crate. You want me to put you in a fucking cage and push you around and drive you around town on sunset and you're sitting in a fucking cage? Would you like that? No, I don't fucking think so. You know, it's like, I love my cats, but will I fucking fly with them and put them under the fucking plane? To do what? To do

what? What are you going to do with your animal under the fucking plane? It's freezing under there. You hear the engines. It's cold. You know, fucking get the car and take the three or four fucking days. Not understand you don't have the time. Me and my wife talk about it all the time. If we got to fucking move, what are we going to do? We got to get some type of RV and put the cats in there and stop and let them piss in the fucking weeds at rest stop. And who the fuck knows? Why am I answering these questions? What am I, Dr. Animals today? Apparently fuck. Just get a fucking animal and adjust your life. You'll be finally. Yeah, she's cool. She's yeah, it's, it's sad, but it's, uh, it, it sucks admitting you made a mistake, but it's, uh, it, it happens. It happens.

Lee, this won't be the first mistake you're gonna make. And this won't be the last one. This mistake you're going to learn so much from this mistake in so many different levels. You're gonna learn in so many different levels that, uh, this will never happen again. And in time, when you hit the fucking number, you're going to replace it with three of those fucking dogs. You're going to find a dog that looks just like Sophie or hopefully Sophie will be around. You want to smoke some dopes, you don't cry at the shelter. No, I'll be cool. But, uh, yeah, that's fucking, it's, uh, it's fucking awesome. You're gonna go to McDonald's? What? Have I ever? I went to McDonald's the other night. What'd you get? Uh, sweet tea. I didn't eat nothing. I couldn't get myself to eat something.

In Tennessee, they all have sweet tea. My niece was hungry after Jackson. The sweet tea was delicious at McDonald's. They're open like 24 hours. I let you walk in at night, not like here. They shut you out in the street like a fucking, like a mukyak and you gotta drive around in circles and get your cheeseburgers. So how did your daughter like the time with her grandma and all the family and stuff? She loved it. She loved it. She loved it. You know, the week before we went to insurance and had to put her change it over and change her beneficiary over and all this paperwork and my wife looked at me and she goes, I put Teresa down as if something happens to us. She gets the baby and I'm like, oh, that's no problem. Her and the godfather.

And I'll tell you what, she loved her aunt. She loved her aunt. The first time, not so much. This time, her aunt had her. I mean, if she ever cried, I could see her come into the room and her whole demeanor stopped. My daughter's getting to be big. You know, she's getting bigger and it's a lot of fun for me. You know, I hope I stick around and watch it grow. You know, I hope I stay healthy and everything because it's really a fucking adventure. It's really taught me a lot about myself and it's been a fun ride, Lee. Yeah, it's almost a year. Yeah, we've been doing the podcast for a year. No, no, no, she's a year old. Yeah, we've been doing it for more than a year now. Yeah, she's a year old in this January and I'm very excited about that. So no, it's,

you know, you live and you learn, Lee, and this is, uh, it's fucking life is great. Life is just one big fucking learning ball and it's what you apply to it and you keep learning and it keeps spinning into something. That's what becomes you. You know, you're not really defined. You know, I went to Tennessee and I saw all these people that are very happy and they're happy with what they have. They don't have BMWs and they don't have stupid cars and they don't go to fucking premiers and they don't do none of that shit. And you know, you look at humans for what the fuck they are. You look at us for what we're supposed to be. We're not supposed to charge people by money or whatever. It's the character and who the fuck we are. You

know, it's so neat that there, you know, nobody gave a fuck about movies. I don't give a fuck about that. It doesn't define me. You know, me going to prison will always define me more than fucking doing something in the longest yard or some movie or any of that shit, you know, because that's who I really fucking am in the back of my mind. That's who the fuck I am. You know, I'm a fucking artist, cock sucker. We're still going to the movies. December 25th, I got some fucking emails. People excited. We're going to the movies, bitch. It's going to be one of these Lemleys or one of these North Hollywood fives or what is it? Sherman Oaks has a great movie theater. Burbank has a great movie theater. So I'm going to do something in the area. December 25th,

we're going to meet for the eight o'clock grudge match and smoke some pot and we're going to get some shirts made. Santa could suck my dick and and that's it. Hopefully we'll buy Leah House and go buy a fucking thousand dogs. And the girl was excited about the dog, too. Well, she has her own dog, but she like, I mean, I love dogs, too. Who doesn't love dogs, but you know, she was she was sad and and the stuff, but it'll work out. It always does, man. Fucking water boxer. Making it happen as usual. Cox, I'm going to give him some shout outs. My man, Michelle Carroll, John Albalardo, Edward Alvarez, Keith Pryde. I don't know what that fool of a fuck that is. Spacely and Philly Godfather, you bad motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying?

Always a beautiful day to be alive. I will be down in Kentucky. I mean, I got we got a big fucking tour. The CDs. When's the CD going to be ready, Lee Cox? This weekend? You sure? I'm taking the pictures. I want you to know fucking stories. Close the window. It's going to be a good fucking CD. Lee Tech Mission. That how's it sounding? You and fucking Amanda Agostino. Oh, yeah. Which show you digging? The first show on Saturday or the second show? You put them together. No, I like the opening, the opening of the first show Saturday and then the second show Friday. You're a savage brother. Yeah. The opening of the first opening second show Saturday. That's what I meant. Opening second show Saturday and then first show Saturday. You're a fucking savage.

Look at you got the little head doing me. So you walked eight miles yesterday. Oh, yeah, I fucking because this is something I never heard. And with cats, I've heard it, but like with my girl, they have pee pads at the house for the dog. They don't take the dog for a walk. Look, they take him out, but it's mostly just the pee pads. I'm like, you don't do you take the dog out for a walk three or four times a day. You don't. I've never heard of a dog peeing inside a house. And it's huge here. I don't know. I've never like. What do you mean pee pad? It's like a pad you put down and they pee on that and they poop on that and in the house. What the fuck? I've never seen that. I think it's an East Coast thing because West Coast, half a pet go, there are stacks and stacks of it.

It's just a little, it's like a little plastic paper pad. What's a West Coast thing? Well, it's East Coast thing that we take them out is what I'm saying. Oh, it's an East Coast thing that we take them out on the West Coast. West Coast, it seems like they, or maybe it's LA or I never understood it. She told me, she's like, Oh, yeah, we don't want to take, we take them out every once in a while. But yeah, he just pees in the house and we clean up the pad. And when they have doggy litter and what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, no, no. You got a fucking dog. It's to take him out and see sunshine and see the hot air and, you know, get some sun and throw a fucking Frisbee from his shit like that. You're not going to,

you know, make him sit in the house and pee on some fucking pad. No, no. It's, I mean, I get it. If you live in an apartment, it could be easier, but it's, I was like, wow, I've never, and she was like, yeah, everyone, everyone, like she was, it was weird that I didn't know about it. I don't know about it. I thought you walked your fucking dog. Yeah. Why would you want your dog to shit in the fucking house on some pee pad? That's what cats do. The reason to get a dog is to take him out for a fucking walk and go around the neighborhood. I mean, let me tell you something. It's been beautiful in Southern California lately. I mean, to the point where something, I did something last Wednesday outside and I couldn't believe how beautiful

it was. And I remember going to myself, this is the weird thing that last week I said to myself, it would be nice to have something to be able to walk with the baby and the dog at the same fucking time. You know, it would be nice to have something. And all of a sudden you called me sad and you're like, let me drop something on you. I have an idea. And I thought you had like an idea for a movie or something. Like, I'm thinking of getting a dog. I'm like, are you fucking crazy, Lee? And you said some of the dog was 20 years old. I said one and Paul, my girlfriend, she laughed for like three days. Can you say one foot on the grave, one on the banana peel? Yeah. And she'd never heard that before. What the fuck? She would die laughing for about four days. Oh,

please. I thought that you said the dog was 20 years old. I mean, you know, adopt a dog that's 20 fucking and you go, no, it's a year old. Oh, okay, then adopt a goddamn dog. But I didn't know for sure. But you know, listen, man, you're not the first person that did this and you won't be the goddamn last, you know. No. But the weather is, and that's nice. I'm happy that you even consider it because it would make you get out of the house and walk around. Yeah. I'm going to start walking around the daytime too, I think. Yeah. Do you want a dog? Yeah. No. I wish I could. I wish I could get three or four fucking dogs and have the property of walking around with them. You know, I was one of the best times in my life when I had her Achilles. When

that fucking ex-wife of mine came and took him. Oh, she took him? Yeah. From my buddy's hospital. I was in New York doing comedy. And you know why she took him? Because in reality, what the fuck? I was in no position to have a dog. You know, I was a single guy. I had no responsibility. I was doing drugs like a motherfucker. I gave him a lot of love and I walked him and I always cared for him and he always had food. And that's all that fucking mattered. But I was at that point in my life, I couldn't take him. I was getting into comedy and Mike's wife took him. And years later, he died and she fucking contacted me and it broke my goddamn heart. He was my dog from day one, that dog. I got him when he was five weeks old.

And asked him, Colorado, I used to make him banana protein shakes. He grew up so fast. He was 74 pounds. Holy shit. When he was five months old or something, he grew so fast that he grew out of his bones. His legs grew out. So I had to fucking stop him. They had to give him valium and oh, it was horrible. He was trying to have to be this huge fucking German ship. And so I listen, man, dogs and animals, they're one of the biggest. Every time I see a cat on the side of the street when I'm driving, I go, that's somebody's cat. You know, and they're looking around the neighborhood, they're putting fucking signs up. That's why I don't let my cats go out at night. I can't fucking stand when my animals go out at

night because I couldn't sleep not knowing. I couldn't fucking, I died when grade disappeared. That was the, when I went in and out of your house, I was like, okay, I barely opened the doors, like please don't want to, and they were cool. They were just hanging out. But then I saw Gray because like Gray didn't come out during the daytime when I went over, but then when I went over at night, she was cool and she was meowing up the storm. You know, it's amazing the difference they put in your life and how they calm you down and how they, you know, they do response. And after a while, when you have any animal, you're a fucking bird and you're out doing something and nothing's going on, you're like,

you know what, fuck it. I'm going to go home and hang out with this goddamn bird. You know, when shit's bad outside, you're like, fuck it, worst case scenario, I'll go home, hang out with the fucking bird. And that said, have a good time. We'll smoke some dope. We'll eat some fucking bird seeds. Any animal that you have is always better. They always understand you. So, Lee, bring the fucking dog back and start from scratch. Got something. Next time, plan ahead. All right. And you'll be fine. That dog's gonna be fine. She's a cute little fucking dog. Somebody will. They've been calling her Kiwi. So, because I changed the name to Sophie. So, if you go to Mutschak and there's a Kiwi, grab her. Yes, she looks like a Kiwi. She looks

more like a Kiwi than. Really? Yeah. That's why she didn't react to me. She's black and white. I said, Sophie, and she didn't even look at me because you gave a fucking mad talk to her. I just got her yesterday. Yeah, she was homeless. She didn't have a name. The name Kiwi. She's black and white. Where'd they find her? On the street. The picture of her before with a little matted hair and so it was sad. Where on the street? I don't know. It didn't say, but on the shelter, she said it was Australia. It wasn't like someone dropped her off at the shelter. They picked her up off the street. So, at least I'm looking at it like I donated money and I'm fostering her for a couple of days.

She took her home for a few days and gave her a taste of hope and showed her what love is and warmed and she don't like fucking beds. She don't go back to the shelter and tell the cats, our dogs, listen, I don't like fucking beds. I don't know what the big deal is. She got really pissed off and then I have a little reclining loves heat and she loved that. She dug that. We slept there last night. You're happy about what happened with the Red Sox last night? They won. So you're 2-2 when they're taking it back to Boston? No, there's one more game in St. Louis tonight. Then they go back to Boston. Then they go back to Boston. Yeah. So they go back to Boston either up one or down one. Then they got to read two of them, Boston.

Well, hopefully we win tonight and there's only one in Boston. Let's hope so because it's getting close. St. Louis is tough, huh? They're tough. I think we're better, but our pitching and our hit... Well, our pitching's been actually pretty great. Our hitting's been kind of shitty recently, so hopefully we're okay. But... When are you going to kick off this podcast? You've been telling me for the last two months. I told you when. My dad's coming in November and... November what? November 9th. November 9th. That's next Friday. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Next Saturday. No, oh, then in the 8th of Friday. He's coming up. Friday. So that's Friday. And then when are you guys going to do the pile and you're going to do with the Agostino the first one? Yeah, maybe. Yeah.

We're going to get... I'll probably just interview my dad, but I might have the Agostino in on other ones. So you just want to do a podcast of interviewing your dad. You're not going to introduce yourself. You're not going to talk for a fucking hour or so and tell him who the fuck Lisa really is. I will. You're going to tell him how you're doing jumping jacks and how you got gel for your head doing everything. I don't have to. You always say there's gel. There's no hair to put gel in. Yes, you do. You have to comb it. You need the gel to make it look like you got more fucking head. What can I do? Fuck it. So that's good that you're doing a podcast, but... You know, Lee, it wasn't in your personality. You never ever thought that it was in your

personality to do a podcast. That's why you didn't want to talk about it the first time. That's why you just wanted to sit there. Me, I didn't like just throwing air, water into a fucking ego. It seemed like too much of an ego when you just talked about yourself. So I'm happy that you got involved. And I always knew you would be good because of your vulnerability. You know what, Lee? You're just learning about all this crazy shit. You don't need this shit in your life. You'd be a happy guy at home with your fucking computer, watching sports, and all of a sudden you got involved with a fucking guy that did. Did go to prison. He's a crazy comedian. We have a good time. We smoked dope. We went to New York. You know, this is

fucking new for you. So, you know, a lot of people have come to me on the road and said, hey, man, we're really happy that Lee's come out of his shell, you know? So it was gonna happen, Lee. You just needed the right push. Sometimes... And I don't know why. I don't know why. You're always a personable kid. You know, you're always funny. You know, you got a lot of heart. I like to... But it takes me a while to open up to people. It takes me a while to open up. And I get... But if you've noticed the people I hang out with that you've met, it's like you've been their friends for 20 years. Oh, yeah. Everyone's been... And it helped because I would have been before you... Like, even the first time I met you, I was petrified. Like,

anyone who's been on TV, if I've seen you in the fucking newspaper, I used to get... Dennis Ackersley was at dinner where my family was eating once. And my brother went up and got an autograph. And I never was... I wasn't even alive, really, when he was pitching or I wasn't really paying attention to it. And I was... I hid behind a napkin. Like, I don't... I was never cool with that. But working with you and meeting Felipe and meeting Geroge in a couple of times and our Shafir... Like, it's really helped. It's kind of... It's crazy. I always remember. But everybody puts their pants on one leg at a fucking time. You know, I've been in conversations with big-time people, but I don't say a fucking word. But I'm in that kind of... I'm in there.

I'm standing there. It doesn't... I've never needed to say something to be in the conversation. I've never been one of those people. I could be there without being there, so I really don't give a fuck. For me, I always felt that people put their pants on one leg at a time. I've been being a kid and being like having ice cream or something. And some fucking mobster or something would come in and people go, that's Jimmy, whatever. That's whatever. And I was thinking to myself, what did that fucking guy do? What did that guy do that I got to act like he's some fucking guy above? You know what? If they were a doctor or a fucking lawyer or a president or somebody who really does something fucking good, that's when I'm really impressed. Like, I say it every day. You know,

every fucking day, the number one thing trending is some fucking movie star, Kim Kardashian. We should be a fucking shame to ourselves. You know, we really should be... or something negative. It's never about the fucking guy, the doctor. Every day, somewhere in the United States, a fucking miracle happens when somebody gets hit by a car and the doctor brings a man and saves them or invents something. We never hear about those fucking guys. You never hear about those people, the firemen who save. Now you do because of the internet. And now you do because of national news as a whole. If something is very interesting. But before we don't, we give that person fucking, what do we give them? In the state of Ohio, this fireman went out of his way and saved the

fucking cat on a tree today. Details are 11. They don't really go into his life. Fucking Angelina Jolie adopts a kid. You know, that bitch can't be doing movies, going to the gym, doing all this shit. And she got time for eight fucking kids. There's no fucking way, okay? There's no fucking way. You go to the gym, you hang out with your husband, you suck his dick. There's no way you can hang out with eight fucking kids. Right? That's what they have now. Eight fucking kids. They probably have 20 nannies. How many fucking nannies do you think they have all fucking camera? How many do you think? So you know what? I have a bunch of fucking cats, but I take care of them all individually and I give them all love. But these people right away, you actually fucking believe that Angelina

Jolie really has those eight kids and really has this schedule, really looks that fucking good because she pays attention to those eight kids. I want you to send me a fucking picture of a mom who's got three kids who looks really good, who has time to take care of her fucking three kids and go to the fucking gym three hours a day with a personal trainer. Find me that fucking woman. So next time you look at Angelina, oh, she's such a great mom. Go fuck yourself, you fucking dummy. She's got 20 fucking nannies. If she turns around, there's somebody wiping her ass. On camera, she takes all the fucking nannies out of the picture and it's her with those eight fucking kids from 19 different fucking countries. And it's great that she saved those fucking kids.

But at the end, it's a fucking nanny. But they talk about her like she's, and I got nothing against Angelina Jolie. I got nothing against. I don't give a fuck if she took Brad Pitt away from that fucking Jerkoff chick. I don't give a fuck. Next time plan ahead friends and stop hanging out with that other ugly fucking chick with the fucked up husband. What's her name? Courtney Cox. Courtney Cox with the other fucked up husband. I stopped watching that show one night late. That fucking, what? Friends? No, the other one. Oh, Covertown? Oh my God. And she does plastic surgery. She looks like she's fucking wackado. She's the only one who had anything after fucking friends. Really? I mean, Jennifer Aniston does crappy movies, but I don't see any other actors

doing anything. Well, I guess Lisa Kudrow does that show on Showtime and stuff. But it's just fucking weird that people, well, Angelina Jolie is a mother of eight. Really? Let me see you fucking raise eight kids, cook breakfast, dinner and lunch, clean a fucking house, and have time to go to the gym for three hours a day to look that fucking good. Because any woman you know will fucking tell you that shit. There's no way. There's no way. But don't talk about it to the day's end. And that's what pisses me off. We focus on the wrong fucking things. There's somebody out there doing a lot fucking better things than me and you. We do a podcast and that's great. What about the fucking girl who goes to school studies and works at a fucking shelter, cleaning kettles

up? You know how hard it is to go in there and clean dog shit? And they don't give you the easy jobs when you volunteer. They give you the fucking shit jobs, you know? So that's what my fucking head is at today. Monday, October 28, do me a favor. Do me a fucking favor. Today, write down what you want the rest of the year and how are you going to do it? How are we going to do it? I want to suck 20 dicks. How am I going to be able to suck 20 dicks? Write your goals down. That's all I ask. And number two, do me a solid fucking favor. I've been telling you this and more and more people come to me and more and more fucking people hit me with emails and thank me. Hulu Plus, not a bad deal. I'm giving you two weeks for fucking free. Then it's $7.98 a month

and you get original programming. You get shows. I mean, there's so much stuff on there. My wife was looking at it on the plane. And I was blown the fuck away of how much shit there is on Hulu Plus. Please go to Hulu Plus. Go to the banner on joeydeers.net and click on Joey. Joey for Hulu Plus. Get two weeks for free at $7.98. $7.98. Why much a fucking year that we get? That's $96 a fucking month for television. A year for television, for fucking not television, but shows and entertainment and specials and movies and everything else you need. Go to Hulu Plus and pressing the code. Joey. There you go. And while you're at it, you're going to shave. You're going to shave your balls. There's always a problem with shaving. The shave is not fucking sharp enough.

You forgot. Ba-ba-ba. Forget all that shit. You need to go to CVS. Even though I love going to CVS, I got the special awards program. You got to love fucking CVS. Everyone has it. Oh, they do? Yeah, I'm a big shot at the CVS. You know what I mean? I got a floss like a motherfucker. Let these people know I'm in tight with CVS. But that's not the fucking thing I'm trying to get to here. Here's what you need. Go to dollarshaveclub.com. Go to my website joeydeers.net. Click on the banner. Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. You're going to get three different programs to choose from. You have the dollar program, which is four raises a month and a fucking stick. Two blades. Three blades, four blades. Then you got the six dollar plan, which is four blades a month with

three blades on it and an allo strip. And you get a senty house. Then you get the nine dollar, which is a tremendous fucking deal. Okay. You get the blades. You get the best blade. What else you get? It's just the best. It's the best. You get the cocoa butter. You get sharp fucking blades. You get them senty house on a monthly level. All this for nine dollars a month. But the best thing they have is they have these quick wipe charlies. One wipe charlies. One wipe charlies, you wipe your ass, or it smells like peppermint. When was the last time a chick sucked your dick, turns around and goes, why does it smell like fuffer and peppermint in the room? That's what I give you. That's the deal I give you. Go to joeydeers.net. Go to Dollar Shave Club.

Click on the banner. Church. And get your little fucking door prize. All right. Why are we talking about all this shit right now? Let's get ready to rock. It's Monday. I love you guys. Like I'm telling you, this Wednesday, the ice house in Pasadena, eight o'clock, a live podcast with Ari Shafir. I don't even know what it calls together. It's going to be a fucking bargain. Then at 10 o'clock in the main room, we got Rogan, Bill Burr. Who else? You got Thompson. It's a show in a fucking half. It's a night of fucking Death Squad Festival. The podcast will be off the hoop. We're going to do it all with Chibo Choosiness, Gumi Bears, the other ones. What's your preference there? How many green hornets are you eating that night? How many? How many? Even Chiba Choosies,

you eat half or a quarter. Don't worry about what Chiba Choosies fucking tells you, right? They're the ones who make it. They don't want to fucking eat it. You eat the fucking Gumi Bear and that's it. You're going to need it to redeem yourself after the fucking dog, cock sucker. Two or three Gumi Bears. By Wednesday night, you'll be crying. You'll have a dog shirt on and shit with a fucking knife going through its head. You know, you better get it together. You're slipping, cock sucker. So we're going to Gumi it up Wednesday night at the ice house, eight o'clock, six, two, six, five, seven, seven, 1893. Then November 7th, eight to the ninth, I'm in Raleigh, North Carolina at Charlie motherfucking good, good, good, good

nights. Oh shit. Oh shit. I'm going over to hang out with fucking Mayberry RFD. I think it's in North Carolina. I don't know what the fuck that place is. I'm just making this shit up in my head. Are you going to go to a Tar Heel game or anything like that? No, I'm in Raleigh, Durham. I don't know how far it is. Oh, there's a North Carolina. There's what's that other guy's fuck out of Chapel Hill? Yeah, there's where Dean Smith used to be. I don't know who's there now. Some other coach that looks like Lee Harvey. Tell you what, I can't stand. What? I can't stand people who try to make a buck of dumb shit. Like, yeah, I was watching TV at my in-laws house. I was waiting for law and order to come on. I just can't imagine what

information you saw. No, no, no, no, no. I saw a thing on Harald River. There's some reason I got stuck watching Harald River. He was talking about something interesting, about girls getting raped in colleges and what happens. They never get charges, get pressed on them. But then they started talking about a story about Sam Jean Kahneman, how the mob killed Kennedy and how the 50th anniversary. Sam Jean Kahneman's daughter and his nephew are both live from Chicago. They're gonna tell why they know President Kennedy was shot by Sam Jean Kahneman because, and I'm sitting there going, who gives a fuck? Who get, you're gonna go buy another scam book about my, well, my uncle told me and this guy, you could tell he's a fucking Guido. He's in Chicago and he's living off. I'm

Sam Jean Kahneman's nephew. He's a fuck guy. That was 80 fucking years ago. Get your clocks fixed, all right? You know, what the fuck is wrong with him? I'm Sam Jean Kahneman's nephew. He's a fuck. You're probably a fish guy at fucking some supermarket and you walk around like you're some fucking gay. These people killed me when they write a book about how he told me. He told you. He told his fucking nephew to kill fucking Kennedy. All right? You're 28 and he told you he killed fucking Kennedy. These people just, you know, they wear, it's like, it's like Sammy the Bull's daughter when you watch that dumb mob wise. My father, what the fuck? Your father was a fucking criminal, bro. Stop with your fucking father. He wasn't no president. He wasn't no whatever.

It's like me with my mother. My mother was a fucking criminal. You know, you don't see me going with my mother. Now fuck you, you fucking dummy. Sorry about that. I get emotional. It's fucking Monday. The point being is these people always try to go out and make a fucking dollar on somebody. Oh, well, he told me, really? He told you it's always the friend of a friend or he would, what the fuck? How desperate are you, you know? And that it's never going to stop happening. Like they're doing reality shows based on that. Now like movies, like even, even though I want to see it, that new Tom Hanks movie about the, about the guy who was kidnapped. It looks good. It looks interesting. But it's, that's all movies are going to be now because people are running out of story.

So we're going to actually have to pull them from real life. So I'll, I'll, I'll show we'll see a movie about that in a couple of years. Dirty Grandpa did good this week. It was number one. What did good? Dirty Grandpa and it beat the other movie had all those stars in it. And they said the other movie sucked. I don't know. Bad Grandpa. Oh, no, I know that one. Yeah, that one looks funny. The other one is the, the, the counselor with Brad. Oh, I heard that sucks. Really? Yeah, I saw it. Oh, it got fucking trashed. It got fucking trashed. I was reading on a plane. There was some newspaper, USA today, and it was fucking getting trashed on Thursday. So that's why I know I don't give a fuck with you. It's one day I got to get out there and fucking hustle.

And I, and I'm telling you guys right now, do the same. You got two months towards the holidays. Nobody wants to be fucking broken on the holidays, sitting at somebody's house. Get out there, fucking get a knife, go stab somebody, get a job. You got to do something fucking today, cocksuckers. Get up, wash your feet, wash your pussy, go adopt a dog, do something, make your fucking day, start with something. All right. And that's it. That's all I got for you, motherfuckers. I want to thank my sponsors, Hulu plus, Dollar Shave Club, Aubrey over at Honest. These bad motherfuckers always making life better for you and easier for you. I want to thank my co-host, my main man, my little brother, Lee Syat for fucking being alive on a Monday and

being able to do this. Thank you, man. And for learning one of life's biggest fucking lessons, and until you claim responsibility, nothing happens. I feel bad for what happened with you and the doggie. But you know what? He's going to be okay. He got some light shine on him. Yeah, she's good. She's beautiful. She's going to be fine. She's going to recover. And it's not like they're going to kill her. You know, you definitely are going to bring her back as you're trying to tell her. Leaving her. I'm going to leave right now. Really? Yeah. And then what are you doing the rest of the day? You're going to cry? You're going to sit in the dark and cry? You're going to juice? Not today. Fuck it. I need to go to McDonald's and dry my sorrows and French fries or something.

I wonder where you could find a fucking place for a dog in the next three days. And it's, I could find a place, but I couldn't, I couldn't pack everything and have the podcast ready. And it's just, unfortunately, it's not going to work out. And I should have, it's, sometimes it's good to go with your heart, but sometimes you have to really, you really should take a step back and let, let the emotions die down. Because some of these people were at the place yesterday and they picked up a dog that was like right from the pound and was like really crying and really jittery. It's like, fuck, like they went in that day, saw her and grabbed her. I was like, fuck, that's, it seems like you should really put a little, like I, I at least slept on

it and, and, and did that. But it, uh, you really sometimes can't go with your heart. Well, that's the lesson for the day. I hope you enjoyed the church of what's happened now. Thank you for tuning in early and for fucking giving us the love that you guys give us all the time. And, uh, that's it. That's all I got for you, motherfuckers. Stay black. See you Wednesday night at the ice house. Payback, bitch. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner.

And don't forget to sign up for our friends at dollarshaveclub.com. You get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. I'm mad. I'm trying to get back. I need some get back. You pay back. You pay back. I'm mad. You get down with my girlfriend. That ain't right.