Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/06/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #125

Episode Date: November 6, 2013

Uncle Mike Kessler calls in to motivate us. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 11/06/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. You get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church that's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. Get up. It's over. Time is moving cocksuckers and you people are sitting there. I'm gonna take my fucking test and go to Europe and go fuck yourself. In a few years there ain't

gonna be no Europe. Wait till those fucking Arabs blow that whole fucking town up to fucking pieces. Get up you fuck. Get up. Do some jumping jacks, some coffee, some oatmeal. Give thanks to the God that gave you another fucking day. Whether he's Jewish, black, Puerto Rican, Hindu, whatever the fuck he is. Tell him thank you for fucking giving me another day in this fucking hellhole. I gotta take a bus to school. Listen to this fat fucking my ear with the other little fucking Jew. It's a church of what's happened now ladies and gentlemen. Wake up. That's what I'm trying to fucking tell you here. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. November 6th, one year ago today Beauty and the Beast. Kaput. Kaput motherfuckers. But you gotta move on. You gotta keep walking,

talking, smoking, doping, slinging. Lee, how long is this fucking thing? I'm out of breath here. What the fuck is going on? How are you this morning cocksuckers? I'm good. Welcome to the church of what's happening now Wednesday November 6th. One day closer to your fucking debt. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry I got the flu but I still showed up. I've had the flu since fucking Sunday but I've been fighting it like a soldier. I went to the doctor yesterday got some tamiflu. You know what I'm saying? What's that? Tamiflu is a five day pill you take to eliminate the fucking flu. Oh did he get your shot recently? Is that why? No I don't get no fucking shots. I'm gonna let somebody shoot fucking the flu. Hold on let me get a syringe and shoot some AIDS in you so you won't get

fucking AIDS later on. You know what I'm saying? Fuck that shit. I bump up on it until when I bump up on it. I ain't gonna shoot in my system and give up. Fuck you. I take some tamiflu. I smoke some reefer. I eat two edibles and I watch Sons of Anakin. I'm back. Well not really. I just gotta clear out before you fly because I'll get an ear infection. But yesterday as preventive measure I went to both doctors. The family doctor and the fucking ear doctor too. Oh shit. You know don't fuck around though. Did you get uh what's it called? Blood? No uh acupuncture. No yesterday was no acupuncture because I usually go one off one on every once in a while I go two back to back if there's something serious. Oh okay. But I felt pretty good this. But next week I go get

cup moved the blood around. Oh I didn't know if that could help with the flu. I don't know what Yeah yeah. As the beginning of the flu you could you could take it out with the cups. You could take the heat out of your body and all that stuff. I've done it before. I just wasn't scheduled yesterday so I didn't really want to bother her with it. But it's weird how fast the fucking flu moves and I felt it. You felt it Monday. I felt it Monday but I knew Friday because I had gone to by Saturday morning when I woke up I was already hitting heavy doses of vitamin C. Every time I walked into the kitchen I took three four thousand milligrams pop chewables pop pop pop pop pop and you keep pissing that shit out. You gotta drink a lot of water and juices

you know. But I started hitting it's fucking hard and I popped a couple of those uh those uh some tech amunes. I popped a couple of those. And you know what man you drink I didn't sweat I didn't really go to the gym. I didn't do much. I did what I had to do. I caught up on writing. I caught up on phone calls. I caught up on emails. You sound better than you did yesterday. You sounded like more stuffed up. Yeah no it was a fucking long day yesterday. And I made it happen. I auditioned yesterday for Jim Jeffery show. Oh sure. Which was uh you know I Hollywood exclusive. Listen I am a stand-up comic by nature but I love the other side of it too. Do I like being on TV you know. I like the whole process of auditioning.

Isn't that what most people hate? Most people hate. I like different. I like booking and then not doing the job. Like I like booking the job. But when they call me and they're like oh you gotta drive to Rancho Cucamong. You're like god damn it. I wish I didn't book this fucking job. I like that challenge. You know I like that. Because for me it's more than a challenge. For me it's like fuck 20 years ago I dreamt about this. Now I'm actually at Fox Studios up the corner from where they shot Friends or whatever the fuck I know they shot Friends at Warner Brothers. I'm just saying that sometimes I go into those things and for me it's I get I get psyched up in my head. Like I walk into one of those things

and I just I get happy walking around there because in my wildest fucking imagination I never dreamt of walking on a studio lap. Before I came here I dreamt of being an extra. Really? I never really I thought to myself if I got two shows as an extra I'd be lucky. Like if somebody's seen me do comedy I said we want to put you in this scene at the bar I would have been happy with that. Never mind talking. That's a complete different fucking game for me. So when I go to those auditions when I get called for them at night like this one called the 10-7 Tuesday night you know yeah yeah Monday night like they usually call like a five they call the 10-7 so it was a late one so I had to rearrange my schedule a little bit but it's amazing I walk

into these things and sometimes they're in an office like in just a regular office building in Culver City or Studio City but most of the times you know 50% of the times there are a lot either CBS Radford or Fox or or or Melrose on Paramount you know and you have to get security clearance to go in which again baffles me how they let me on their fucking lots and I go in I park and I walk and but once I walk 90% of the times it's usually really fucking sunny you know and I think to myself never I could be honest with the viewers I could be honest with Lee I could be honest with my wife I thought of a thousand things when I was a kid I thought of being a coke dealer and having planes and you know smacking people and having bodyguards like a

loser I thought about maybe being an attorney I thought about maybe being involved with international banking you know at one time I had all these fucking stupid fantasies they weren't even dreams because I never thought I'd amount to nothing but here I am walking on a lot you know you have no idea what it feels like for a guy like me to walk on the Sony a lot and as you're walking you're walking with your head down and you're thinking about your life and you look up and you see happy manners and productions and you know that even though Sony's owned by Japanese have Adam Saylor's have Jewish man have Japanese you know I'm saying he's holding by the jabs himself but you know it's a joke what I'm trying to say is that it's a stupid joke I don't

even know why I fucking made it I was I was reaching there but it's a great feeling sometimes and guys you think Joey I never dreamt ever I dreamt of doing stand-up but living in Denver and never doing maybe doing comedy like in a suburb of San Francisco like I never thought I'd be good enough so for me to walk around those lots Lee it's uh it's fucking amazing that's all I'm trying to say yesterday was no lot yesterday was an office and I had a park in some fucking embroidery factory and keep looking at my car so they wouldn't tell me yesterday was no picnic but it was for Jim Jeffrey's show so I went down there prepared you know and they're doing that again like there's a lot of comedians who have their own shows now it's uh it seems like because I would imagine after

Seinfeld got his there was a big boom well what really happened was this what really happened was Roseanne uh the guy from ABC you know the guy I liked the drug dealer the guy that sold Coke and Tim Allen oh yeah and then uh those three people were the markers and then a couple years later TV got and they gave Tom Rhodes we discussed it when he was on the podcast they gave Tom Rhodes Greg Geraldo and somebody else's show Bill Burrell oh no no no no Mark Mitchell oh okay and all those shows were done for whatever various reasons you know uh now if you watch a comedy show at the end of a show we'll say based on the stand-up of Seinfeld or Ray Romano or something like that now I think that in the future I'll see based on the podcast of you you brought it out yeah you got

your buddy Pete Holmes you've got Mark Marin yeah you've got uh there's four hard work hard work to the shows now the podcast that was I don't know if they'll make this fucking podcast a show and keep them my fingers crossed I don't want to be censored Lee yeah I don't want to be censored I like working television but I also like now that as a fax you could slip and say dick or or shithead or something like that yeah when you watch Sun's Anarchy at seven o'clock they're fucking cursing on that oh shit they're fucking cursing on that they're calling saying dick and pussy and you know they're saying they're talking some wild shit on that I think they're gonna have to I think they're gonna to compete you're gonna have to and that's what Dollar Shave Club comes in those guys that

are a little edgy and they're advertising yeah they'll jump on I mean listen as a society yes there's people that uh like I said about a thousand times and it's a hacky joke but it's true I get offended when I see a tampon commercial a condom commercial that's just me how offended do I get do I get on a computer and get the condoms people and tell them to go fuck themselves no they're trying to make a living I understand but six o'clock nobody's thinking about condoms at six o'clock at night dinner time okay maybe nine o'clock in the east coast yeah people thinking about fucking not even people thinking about people who are dirty and are fucking with condoms usually start fucking 11 o'clock at night right or wrong that's when the

drugs come out and women with tattoos around their asshole with the barbed wire around there I think if you're using a condom you're fucking like 8 30 and you're gonna go to bed and you're only gonna do it once no if you're using the condoms because you picked her up by the fucking on the floor somewhere and you're bringing her home and uh that that's what we're fucking talking about here right I guess I guess but uh yeah I think eventually like them they must have to have meetings now like we have maybe 10 years and most left of the way it's going and I think that's like a high estimate that it's gonna take 10 years for this stuff to go through but I think like ABC CBS and NBC will be done with I don't think they'll be done with just because they're so

I mean some of the shows are fucking painful to watch oh they're awful you know I finally figured out Charlie Sheen I finally figured out like my brother Mike Ronnie yeah like I caused the show he thinks Charlie Sheen is the best fucking thing that ever worked and I get it I've laughed watching two men and a baby two that's the name of this two and a half men two and a half men I've laughed but the whole show's in the toilet worse than we're in the fucking toilet because I let you know I'm in the toilet from my first line this show sucks you in telling you it's CBS but it's in the fucking toilet the one on that fact is even dirtier oh and I mean all the all the innuendos are based to fucking and sucking I mean I ain't mad at you but it's funny when there's guys that

are real guys out there that don't give a fuck like when I told when I got two and a half men I had to do that stupid singing thing I told my brother to watch these if that's the faggiest fucking thing I've ever saw in my life he goes what the fuck is wrong with you what is this West Side Story if Charlie Sheen was on this show he would have never allowed that and that's you know that's pretty fucking deep for somebody who just watches TV so now I figured out the whole Charlie Sheen thing but besides that AMC and FX are the fucking future the future and they're ending soon I mean I I've never I've never seen sons of anarchy but it's going up for six or seven so that means it has that most probably three left it's got one left I think one left so I think

pretty soon reality TV is gonna die I think I think it has to I think it's gotten to the point or it's getting so bad that it's gonna start you watch any reality TV I work in it so I fucking see I see the behind the scenes but no I can't I can't watch I can't and I think even girls are starting to see it uh because the majority of the viewers are are they're women yeah they're that's who they're sold to but I think even even that they're seeing it and it's it's not uh it's not cool anymore to have a dirty pleasure or whatever reality TV and it gets entertaining at some points you you find yourself like you would like you wake up you're like I've been on the couch for an hour and I watch this shit but I think it's getting to a

point I've watched various different shows of reality TV from celebrity weight loss you know and vh1 to celebrity rehab I watched episodes of duck dynasty I watched episodes of mob wise I watched over the years I've watched different episodes of different shows and I know it's reality but you know when I stop watching when when I realize it's not reality yeah like a bunch of the shows you just mentioned live they have people they're like doing scenes right you know and uh what happened to a guy that was catching bugs on a and e oh the guy from dirty jobs no the other guy who's from New Orleans or houston and he had like a weird haircut and his mom and his brother oh yeah remember and he caught bugs and snakes yeah yeah he was a disturbing yeah I don't

know what happened to him and you know uh it's funny because the last two or three days I swear to god Monday I got a call that some celebrity reality show people wanted to meet with me uncle and yesterday I got a call that a company wanted to meet with me in Santa Monica that they're thinking of doing and and both ideas I gotta tell you were horrendously fucking bad oh yeah of course you know if I did a reality TV show listen this is why I made that point last week on the live podcast which one that I like the idea the drum cast it's very interesting I also gotta tell you about what happened with the chick who was a tutor me for history oh what happened something happened yes you want to hear this of course I do we'll get back to you

guys uh podcast people this is what I've always told you so I caught this I met this lady through a friend of mine you know I talked to two or three different people some people emailed me listening to the show but a friend of mine reached out to me studio city a white dude of course reached out to me very nice and he goes I understand you're looking to my friends a tutor and I said okay no worries and so boom boom so I spoke to her on the phone we were supposed to get coffee and something happened with in my end I got no audition and was running late and we just said listen let's just settle for this she told me what book to order on Amazon and then I didn't hear from her for like three or four days and I called her up I said I ordered the book and she

goes okay you know let's meet uh this we're gonna meet on Fridays or I can't meet on Fridays because you know I'm never here on Fridays 9 out of 10 I go can we meet on another neutral day maybe early in the morning so I never have to cancel you understand me listen if you have to meet me you really want to meet me do it at 8 in the morning and it'll happen anything after that is a fucking nightmare that's why I do the 60 percent 50 percent of the reason I do the podcast I'm gonna get to you motherfuckers early in the morning before you watch the news and you know hear about fucking you know or the other half is to to fucking you know nothing will come in the way of it what's that nothing well I don't want nothing on the way of it I don't want to ever

to get bumped that's why when people call me they go I have a podcast here to do it two o'clock it's not gonna work out for you too is my prime fucking time and guess what five when my wife gets home is even more fucking prime time yeah you know the baby's crying you gotta speak the cats move over so what we talking about I'm kind of the tutor the tutor so all right so boom boom boom and then I didn't hear from her for a week or two and then I called her nothing and then I sent an email and nothing and finally got an email two days ago guys and it was kind of embarrassing but I might as well talk about it I didn't get a call back I got an email she said at this time in her life that she didn't really want to tutor anybody she thought about it and then blah blah

blah and then I wrote it back I said this is something I said and she took another day to answer me and she finally said the truth of the matter is you insulted some people that were very dear to me with a statement you made on stage one night years ago and I don't understand that how somebody level-headed that wants to learn could say a statement like that and I asked her what the statement was and it's probably like a gay statement or something you know so she saw you at a club one night a friend saw me at a club no that's she just didn't want to do it that's a bullshit yeah listen I either insulted somebody and believe me I've had situations where people have said ah you know look at Ari when Ari was doing the the fucking juicy

there were commercials that didn't hire him because of those videos all the amazing racist don't you'd be surprised well I see that but someone who you hired and it is is not is like taking time and saying I want to do it she knew who you were the moment her friends and I have someone who's looking to get tutored I just I just think she didn't want to wake up early and she she was supposed to outline a chapter we're gonna do it 10 o'clock one hour a week 10 o'clock that's not even early she lives in Sherman Oaks no I'm I know it's not early I'm just saying yeah I was gonna meet her by a restaurant I've been touring everything we decided but a friend saw you at a comedy club she said I made some statements I don't know she said I made

some statements that she couldn't understand blah blah blah that was it that's the end of my fucking tutor I think you could get some videos there must be some like well there was something on show time there was something on showtime the history of the world I watched a couple of those and then I got reacquainted my friend Jimmy Burkle yeah was very intelligent he's going to he went to the f1 academy and died of cancer this year and he was very good with that when I lived with him in Colorado those early years we used to discuss history and he was my history uh not tutor but my mind sharper he kept my mind sharp okay all those years we talked about the Germans and you know Hitler and he really knew about all that he was German so he really knew

and what his side of the story was and what the Jewish side of the story was now you know Japan got you know he just knew man so it really made me appreciate him more now I want to learn about it and now he's gone that's the story of my fucking life it makes you realize life a little more I miss him more than ever I really do miss him man there's not too many people that I fucking really miss I really miss that motherfucker it's been like seven eight months but I used to talk to him every week and he kept me kind of saying you know the people that keep me saying aren't the people around me are the people at home because when I talk to them I think of all the things that you know all I need to do is to get into one conversation with them

and it would make whatever was happening here like a fucking you know like nothing ever existed so really yeah I do I do use my friends a lot is that why don't you use your friends uh not use them well no no I but I mean like I talk to them and it makes me inspires me in a way that's crazy did you because you you started thinking about getting a tutor right around the timing passed away it seems like yeah that's that's crazy that'll take that that uh motivation life works from fucking weird ways man yeah and life always reminds you of certain things in certain ways water boxer in the fucking house I can't think of a day that water box ain't up doing jumping jack spinning around he don't even do fucking finger tip push ups he just puts one

finger there puts it by his head and spins around like a fucking top that motherfucker he seems like a guy who's lucky enough to like wake up and he's already in a good mood all like it's hard like some people already like it takes a while to get jazzed he seems to like it I was thinking about something yesterday and I wanted to get because have you heard of Love Line that syndicated show with dr. Drew and stuff listening to it on the way home last night on the way to dinner uh they had a question about have parents ever gotten the way of your relationship and like you always joke that like I like I've dated a black girl and I'm dating a Mexican girl I think if you ask my parents like if you got them high they'd probably say we wish you you would date a white a white

person but we don't really care I think my mom maybe more than my dad does I don't think did you ever get feel pressured from your mom when she was allowed to date like a Cuban girl no because my mom died right at that at that point where I really started to kind of just no we had that problem at the house with Nikki when I was a kid and I was dating this girl and you know I just lost my focus man it's what happens when you discover pussy the first time it was the sixth grade and I ended up getting left back on the sixth to seventh grade no seventh grade I always say sixth grade I'm not back in the seventh grade and in fact the girl posted the picture the other day she posted this picture from the seventh grade I mean Kathy Keltos posted on facebook take a look

it's uh it's a seven and it's it's on my facebook page it's Kathy Keltos that was the guy's name Earl Kingwall but the guy was tough he was he made you do book reports he did he made you do verbal book reports oh Jesus so he'd ask you about the book what was the name of the character that was his friend ba ba ba ba ba so when you had to pick from like 65 fucking books I failed not because I was stupid I failed because I had put all my faith in this chick and on her pussy I don't know what had happened to me and uh what was the story about the yeah and she was Cuban yeah okay she was she was very Cuban her family was very Cuban and when we got into it my mother was speaking and it was weird uh I didn't like the whole thing of the Cuban how they treat a Cuban like I had

to date her her brother and her grandmother whatever we did something okay you know it's in the seventh grade now in the seventh grade you were you're just happy to have a woman next to you a girl next to you so you but you don't think about what that's like being around somebody and and yeah we made out after school and the building and you know you always find a way but think about that like I would have to go to fucking carnivals with the grandmother and the stupid fucking brother who I still can't fucking stand after all these years I know he doesn't like me you know I know he doesn't like me because of the history we had but I dated her and I dated this other girl Maria and Lord as they were Cuban girls and I knew right there I didn't want to date a Cuban woman how my mother

would feel my mother wouldn't give a fuck no no unless listen all you want is for happiness you know your child and when your mother sees your face in December she's gonna go he's happy oh no my mom's gonna be fine with it I did feel a little bit nervous like I introduced not nothing to this extent but I introduced the black girl to her and uh my mom's a little bit she likes to think she's a little but she's a little bit more conservative in her heart I think uh so I was I was a little bit nervous but it was conservative actually me just because you know like I said I'm not not uh uh politically I think she's really liberal I think she she grew up in the 50s 50s and 60s and I think she she wishes she was a

little bit more okay with things but I think I think with some with some things like she would prefer it it would make it things easier for her if I if I married a Jewish girl I think I I don't think she she would have any she doesn't hate anybody she's a very nice lady but it would make things easier for her and like planning the wedding and with grandkids and are they gonna get bar mitzvah if I if I just married a Jewish girl if you married a Mexican girl she wouldn't want to get bar mitzvah so by the way they'd be drama between the mother and the daughter-in-law and a rift and so I understand what you're saying not because of the color of her skin but because she doesn't want any problems she just wants to keep it nice and simple and

traditional yeah the word is tradition yeah you're right you're right that's the word traditional I'm sorry to you listen man I just want happiness for I mean there's things you don't fucking want there's things you let's fucking be honest there's things you want for your daughter and there's things you want for your son you know what I'm saying I mean as a father or whatever you don't want your daughter showing up with fucking chaka Khan's brother to your house with spears coming out of his nose and shit like that but at the same time you follow me all I want my daughters to be happy I don't care the color of the person fucking skin and your mind you don't think you know I always tell this fucking story and I told my niece that you know I'm the first one

today today some kids at some time you know I'm gonna fucking rectify this once and for fucking all the kid's name is Nanya Daniel he thought I hated Arabs or whatever the fuck I hate you know he wanted to uh uh you know he asked me a question if I hated Arabs well here's my questions I hate Arabs or fucking towelheads or hummus fucking eaters whatever the fuck people call them or whatever just so you know okay when I was uh in college all right I was part of the CUOP work study program for minorities okay I had to do it because it was the only way I would get into the university at the time I was going to prison and I wanted to switch their mind and again listen to the fucking story I was trying to switch

their mind so this is why I was going to college but I I'm lying I wanted to go to college for me it was a personal reason that I could again going to college for me was like walking on paramount when I realized how easy it was to do I didn't know what the fuck what what the big mess was because for two years of your high school life how much they tortured from the time you become a fucking sophomore oh it starts earlier now they fucking tormented you they tormented you as a kid with college the applications and my fucking take on it I do this with my daughter is first year at high school yank around a fucking school make a good job make a good job in something that worked practicality uh I'm sorry about the usage of the word

something practical okay belly to belly sales is practical it's something that you'll remember for the rest of your life and you will use for the rest of your life you know what nobody likes selling copies door to door nobody likes selling shoes door to door but the life experience it will give you will be fucking universal nobody likes selling cars everybody says people who sell cars are fucking scumbags fine then go sell sneakers at footlocker but I want you to discover the human the the sense of touch and feeling talking to people and trying to sway people like well I don't know if I want these adidas I'm gonna go see what the Reeboks call let me answer this what if I threw a fucking pair of socks in what if I threw some fucking foot spray in you know I'm saying so I drop

a dollar out of my pocket because I pay cars for the foot spray but he sells the sneakers and I outsell Lee these are the things you learn when you sell you know when I sold cars I used to they used to be a bald-headed fucking salesman used to drive me crazy but I knew how instant out insecure he was about his baldness so every day I would call a different bald company and go hi my name is Steve whatever can you call me back on this line I want to hear about your bald-headed treatments people would call back and this guy would get crack for the day I wasn't being mean I was taking him out of his game I needed to make ten thousand dollars a month selling cars okay there's different things I would I would take his cigarettes and load them up with those loads so when he'd light

them up they'd blow up in his fucking face okay you have to but I'm probably sitting in like a therapist office right now like I don't know what happened in 88 so what does this have to do with Arab people what it's got to do with fucking Arabs is that when I went to college I was horrible I had to switch majors okay right I was trying to be a history major because I want to go to school for law but I was fucking I had to switch majors so I switched to economics you know how much I knew about economics nothing nothing I didn't even know what economics meant I thought even economics meant how you feel like uh and if that it does mean that how you how you finance a certain institution okay this economics how they finance the United States and how they

finance you know my microeconomics is small businesses and macro is you know Gillette and fucking Dollar Shave Club and fucking you know uh on it and who plus they're all you know so I got two free hours of tutoring every week okay okay so I got this tutor I got a tutor assigned to me you know what his name was what Mohammed Zabib I can't make that up but I'll never I'll never forget that name because as soon as they told me the tutor I turned pale I got dizzy I got down on one knee at that time I didn't know what these people were I don't even know what the fucking nationality was I just thought the back of my mind that I hated this man for some stupid reason I didn't like him he wore sandals his toes were dry it drives me crazy when you wear sandals

and your toes are dry you tell me you got no disregard for the general public whatsoever you're making me sit there on a bus and look at that dry fucking toe my toe is fucked up but it's creamy fucking cream on my toe I swear to god before I leave the house I put fucking cream on my legs because they're horrible I got the spots with a blood collagulated by the ankle so now I rub them I put my legs up for the circulation anyway Mohammed Zabib so fucking Mohammed Zabib was my tutor yeah two hours a week you know that by the end of the year Mohammed Zabib used to come to my home and eat with my family really I love Mohammed Zabib and he went back to Egypt and god knows what happened to him now he's throwing fucking rocks at somebody I don't know this you know what I'm

saying now I have no idea but what I'm telling you is he was one of my best friends for life and I love Mohammed Zabib and because of him he introduced me to that whole culture I never ate hummus even 30 fucking years later but I introduced me to the culture so I love it it's very beautiful I don't even know what the fuck he was I think he was Egyptian he was Egyptian I'm just breaking your people's balls but so the point is you don't hate Arabs I don't hate nobody I talk shit but I don't hate nobody because we're all brothers at the end when we're all fucking walking to the gates of hell together holding hands I'm gonna be next to a black guy next to a Jew next to a fucking Arab next to a Puerto Rican so it don't fucking matter you follow me

hell don't discriminate but that's in um right you think Hitler's in fucking hell a lot of who think all the fucking horrible people now Genghis Khan is in hell Hitler's in fucking hell Pontius Pilots in hell just those three sitting in the fucking corner playing fucking cards hell don't discriminate you bad motherfuckers where's some music for your uncle Joey hit me well let's jump up and down so a little rock lobster something cock sucker bang gang gang I love this guy's guitar this guy died a heroin until his day I saw this guy live and he blew my mind listen to this motherfucking guitar kick it Lee

rock bagels hit it Lee rock you saved me go ahead now we're gonna get deep turn this shit up it's my uncle Mike Kessler in the fucking house what's up dog motivate motherfuckers this morning where you at dog uh to finish doing uh doing my push-ups uh if you stand my workout and get the blood going in your brain and uh read the New York Times and a couple other subversive publications and uh ready to get out there you read you read Al Jazeera I just started I just started but I read I reached it to the left and out like

truth big and truth out yeah I'm telling you the truth about Obamacare let me ask you something Obamacare so what's this little workout you do how many push-ups you do every day I do I used a perfect push-up but when you come to comes with the thing so you start whatever about 15 and then you just keep doing you get more workout and then you work down till you can only do one and then I'm done and how many jumping jacks if I had a bang out if I had a bang out 50 I could you know pay me a hundred bucks how many jumping jacks can you do no I don't do jumping jacks or a bad ankle but uh pull out squats with 10 pound weights in my hands no shit uncle Mike I put on you know what you got this pain door you put the meters on you know

or like Parliament Funkadelic or cameo and shit and you just kind of like move with the weights and shit and it's keeping me uh I got no aches and pains and take no pills you're beautiful there's no flock over there where you're at what's that there's no flock over there where you're at no no I don't I would tell you something I had to take this real estate test dying to get some Adderall I couldn't fucking I was waving a hundred dollar bills I couldn't get a fucking Adderall forget about Flocko you can't there's nothing up here yeah there's a lot of junkies you know I'm up in Woodstock so there's a lot of you know this there's dope if you want it but you know that's shit so uh but no no we just got

bad expensive weed you know I miss LA and that's uh that's about the only thing it's uncivilized I can't believe I'm in Woodstock home with the hippies and you know the buying weed is still illegal you know that's amazing yeah how far are you from Long Island Mike what's that how far are you from Long Island ah a couple hours you know I couldn't what sucks about two hours north of the city and then you make a left in New York City and you get to the island and what kind of car you got now I got I got the uh I got the Honda CR Vita Don Marino looks me up with Flock you live on like a top it's a real car I drove across country I got rid of the Miata now the funny thing is you left here when you retired from the car

business you got a little pension from the army you get a little pension from the government and you went to Woodstock at first to start a band at 65 years old yeah and you you're still with the band you guys still get together in your jam now you're living with your younger brother he fishes all day whatever the fuck he does you sit in your room you do your push-ups now what's your latest venture you taking your real estate test at 67 years old okay so I'm minding my own business you know I get along but it you know it's like poverty but you know but I don't have it's it's enough you know I can make it uh but you know I can't hang out I can't travel anyway I'm hanging out in front of this guy's office and uh in Woodstock uh no in Kingston

Kingston's the big town it's a small town but and I'm standing in front of a real estate officer I'm looking at the pictures in the window thinking like yeah that house would be nice and that would be nice if I was going to buy a house and this old guy comes out starts talking to me in five minutes he goes you should get a real estate license I'm the guy that owns all these brokerages he's one of the biggest brokers up here and if they have to five minutes and I'm going you know I'm dressed and sweat pants and a t-shirt I'm going I go what do you you don't know anything about me you know what I've been doing it's a hundred years he goes I talked to someone for five minutes I could tell if they could do it so it's you gotta get a license I said all right so I go look to get a license

basically what it came down to was uh I had to take this online course it took me two months all right I just passed it like yesterday the two days ago but I got me an A you know I got a 90 and I never got a 90 in my life you know I was like I barely got through school so uh yeah so I passed this and then he's got an office like right in Woodstock the home of the hippies and um uh and I'm going to go sit there and uh and hustle real estate the way we used to hustle cars I guess except you know uh the house can't go anywhere so you know if they like it you know it I don't know it's brand new to me Joey and I got nothing else to do I'm going to lay around and wait and you're 67 years old yeah and most people your age and most of people listen to this

show and most of the country worried about Obamacare but you're making a fucking work for you without fucking Obama Obamacare because you like me like a few of the fucking select know that you know what they could run whatever game they're running don't matter to us we still gotta fucking pay cash at the grocery store and that's what this country forgets everybody's caught up in Obamacare blame nobody that's fucking 67 going for a fucking real estate license because you know we know that we know the truth man they think these guys you know Obamacare Obama Bush name any one of these you know listen these people right they're all on the same payroll the Obamacare was written by the pharmaceutical industry and it sure is because I you know I

ain't playing that fucking game anymore you know when I was a kid doctor used to come to my house in the 50s take care of me and my brother who had even a chicken pops at a mom's my mother paid him five bucks and he gave her a prescription and she went to the drug store we didn't have blue cross blue shield blue this you know and old people had uh no old people didn't have Medicare when I was a kid that came in in the 60s but Medicare you know just came in because you had well whatever we don't want to get into that but yeah no I'm not uh I can wait amazing I remember when doctors used to come to my fucking house on 205 west radiation Orlando Del Valle I talked about in the Marin podcast he used to come to my house Mike and before I'd say I can't

see you right now and he come in he had a drink with my mother and my stepfather then he'd come in he'd tell me my tonsils were swollen I needed a needle a penicillin shot and I tell him let me think about it and then he loved when I said let me think about it because he'd go in the living room do a bump with my mom my stepdad then and now when he'd come back and he tried to shoot me in his face would be twisted I never forgot this guy I went to him in the fucking 80s I mean he was my family doctor all those years and I loved him dearly I mean he was a funny motherfucker and then years later I would see him out of discos and clubs I mean this guy was the real fucking deal but he was always but it's amazing he charged my mother $35 he gave me a shot and he

left my mother a syringe and a bottle of penicillin to shoot me later on when the throat got swollen and you didn't have to fill out any fucking paperwork no paperwork no fucking dick and the ones that did make you feel paperwork a month later you got to check it in the mail for 25 bucks for doing the paperwork or something because insurance drew them fucking something now I went to the doctor yesterday my fucking copay was $32 I don't get pissed off but it's getting higher and fucking high used to be 15 now they bill me so I don't really know what it is like my family doctor billed me so I don't know what the fuck it is this was throat ears or nose $32.50 was my fucking copay

get up sooner or later sooner or later people start getting mad enough but the trouble is every time people nobody gets organized everybody's sitting they start and you get these you know you get the fox news and the msnbc and they got everybody mad at each other like you know because if they keep if they keep everybody mad at each other nobody's gonna get mad at who's really the problem you know what a fucking problem is and you've got you've got enough money and they don't give a fuck whether or not you like it or you don't like it because if you don't like obama they're gonna pay percent the other guy's on the payroll too whoever's running for office and hillary clinton she's on the payroll i mean let's let me ask you what what difference would

have made if the other guy would have won right now nothing none whatsoever nothing but this bill was written by the insurance companies they make it out like fucking bandits and then if they don't let they're pulling out of somewhere like the big companies that pulled out of certain markets in california they just went you know you know what we don't see a profit here we're gone well fuck yourselves go figure out how you're gonna pay for a doctor so you know just to every other country you tell everybody go watch that movie sicko it's written there's a bunch of the informations out there every other civilized country not communists they they know that health care is too important to leave in the hands of a bunch of guys that want to like you know a

you know don't want to have a house on the water in both of its own what's the documentary sicko sicko yeah i want you to break your heart that the first responders from 9 11 can't help in new york city he took him to hirvana he took him to hirvana and he fucking took care of him for five bucks good doctors too yeah cuban that's what they specialize in this fucking doctor fucking cuban those fucking cubans don't have to tell you i have to tell you me or mono no man i looked at those no idea about cuban let me tell you i look at these cubans that come over i look at their teeth and one was telling me that he got a fucking uh a thing done in cuba that 30 years fucking later the tooth was still good who the fuck was telling me this story just

that when he was a kid in cuba they did these cavities you go watch Michael Moore take a bunch of first responders from firemen people risk their lives to go into buildings and they're all fucking sick right you know there's a bunch of them that's sick that can't get taken care of that lost their jobs everything else and Michael Moore had to take him to cuba taken to hirvana to get health care and these people were breaking down and crying and he goes to he goes to england he goes he goes into the doctor and he he goes in a hospital they check him out for something i don't know he heard he's on and he goes to the cashier window and he goes how much is it the cash he goes what are you talking about he goes well how much how much we gotta pay you and he goes uh

well you don't pay me anything he said well you had a cashier he says oh yeah i'm here if you need money for a cab ride home okay that's that's england that's our biggest ally okay they're not communists but they took care of their people so anyway that's you know what the whole trick is stay out these days you know joey we stay we do it best that we gave up all the bad habits and that was going for i'm going for a little money right now because you know we can't do can't do it all you could do what i needed cash you know too old and it's amazing that i miss you i miss our little rides at night there's two people who understood the ride the ride is basically pick me up uh let's say like last night sun's anarchy ends at 8 30 you gotta pick me up at 8 47 because i

can't put my pants on i roll the joint there's no rolling when you're driving around remember you pick me up we smoke a fucking joint we get a soda at 7 11 in the hot dog and you go home an hour later that's the fucking ride then there were the good rides and the bad rides then there were the rides you took me down to the lakewood fucking hop just to pick up 60 bucks and we put somebody together for a $40 gram of coke and then 20 was for gas there's no type of rides but i just miss our simple fucking smoke a joint uh cut people off type of rides and shit you know what i'm saying well this is where we go uh so uh i guess started working on this thing we'll see what happens with my hey well my luck would always shit the fucking banks will collapse

again that you know and all of a sudden nobody's gonna buy nothing but now that's all right listen those people are money and you know what it's like i'm just not going to live in fear man and and that's all it is they want me they want me to either be in the tea party and hate and hate everybody on welfare or they want me to be you know on the left and be and hate everybody on the right you know we're all we're all fucking people man everybody yeah people are different but the but this is america and you watch what happens man we pull our shit together you know and they fucking bomb 9 11 everybody you know everybody was on the same side until those motherfuckers exploited it and still fighting that same same couple of wars man they're looking to pick a

couple other fights because there's big money in it anyway all i'm saying is bro i'm fucking proud of you i'm proud that you're my uncle you're a fucking savage you're 67 years old and you're taking your real estate 10 years ago people and you know what's crazy that you and i have always been fucking aggressive motherfuckers no matter how many lines of coke we did the day before no matter how many fucking crack pipes or crack things we broke and i mean it's uh it's amazing when you're uh what's the word they use the whatever a functioning addict that's what they call people like you and i well they're functioning addicts no we're fucking addicts and our fucking fuel for fucking uh making money is money you follow me yeah when you're addicted to something

there's some people who lay down and who sell their mom's jewelry or a little by little a cash out the trust fund we had to go out and fucking steal for it every day or make a move or work for it which is well there's some ways to steal but you know what listen i'll tell you uh and that's everybody out here what everybody wanted people to see you when they see you on a tv show when they see you in a movie what they don't know and because it's always like somebody you know people think about overnight sensations i know you have people found your career for a long time but but what they don't know is how i would drive you out to the inland empire to work for like 25 bucks to go pay to go play a club we had to go through metal detectors to get in here and i love those clubs

they remember the one club off the 10 uh in uh west that no what's the west something east something not east kovina west kovina the fucking safari lounge where you had to walk up the stage it was made it was made of plywood and two by fours and shit yeah and and you go up and mostly you have good nights but you know yet they don't have any bad nights yeah and they're gonna have how many times you won't get a fucking up oh fuck it i'm gonna get all right let me go get a job i'm gonna every time you want to get a job in a car store you know it it only took you a couple of days to think about it you know fuck this you know because you made up your mind to do something and the only way it was gonna work the only way you're gonna succeed it's something like what you

want to do especially is to do it full time this is what you do and like everybody now i'm gonna go be you're a funny guy you should go do stand-up yeah you know and they get up there and they find now every successful buying every successful comic is a lot of hard work so uh it's one of the most admirable things and i think what the funny thing is how old are you motherfucker and you're just fucking you're just starting to come into your own 50 and i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck listen i thought when you were when i was 25 i'd see people who were 50 and i look at them and i'm gonna like that guy's on his path to his grave and you know what i might die tomorrow who knows there's only one guy that knows the answer but in my heart and in my fucking mind i don't see it i

don't i don't even feel bad like i don't even feel bad like i go to the fucking gyms i roll around on the fucking floor with young kids they squish me they bend my arms they bend my fucking wrist and jujitsu you know what man in my heart i don't even have an age i'm like a vampire no i don't have an age yeah eventually eventually starts like uh eventually there's there's limits but that's all right you're well you know what now the limits are in your fucking yeah there are limits but you know you can really you got a lot of leeway with limits you know oh listen like i'm 50 you know uh i used to see people who were really like limping or the joints hurt and stuff you know i go to a kettlebell class i always switch up every few months i go to trx you know i've been slipping

with the jujitsu lately because the class is but i walk around and i you know walking picking up that little baby she's 20 fucking pounds she's a little kettlebell my wife i had to take her yesterday for chiropractor because my wife can't walk i'm picking the baby up and sitting her down and so my wife was walking around with a fucking uh with a strap around her waist like a bodybuilding yesterday i finally took it for the chiropractor the baby's heavy so you know what i move around mic and you breathe and you drink water and you know what else i do a lot mic sleep i fucking get my sleep man because that's the most important god damn thing in the world yep uh it's just you know it's like uh i've been sitting there i sat in the chamber two months doing this uh this real estate

test it's supposed to take two weeks but you know you know me and the computer so uh but you know you get a little back that bothers me and shit so you know you just gotta i can just get down and you know if you don't know how to do it go take a class somewhere stretch twist use it you know get the fuck out there get some sunshine in your eyeball you know and turn off that fucking tv and stop watching that fucking Kanye Kardashian bullshit you know you're the fuck you know it's like get out there and live you know there's a lot of people i think things there might be a change in america coming up i start to smell it because sooner or later things are gonna get worse and then people that's what gets people out in the street well this time they got out in the street

it was a vietnam war that's because they were drafting everybody if they were drafting everybody fab canister and everybody would be in the fucking the old kids would be in the street but they don't give a fuck because they got video games now so you know let some poor motherfucker some poor mother you know somebody else go so uh there's a big one coming up they need one because you know i think you know that you know they gotta make money man you know they gotta generate business what you gotta do is get two people to pick a fight so uh i love you guys so good nothing than that we got fall up here in uh in lipstick new york the leaves are orange it's getting over and now comes the winter time and that's when i really miss l.a. well i love you brother i'm just

i just wanted to show these people that you could do anything the fuck you wanted any goddamn age and they can't stop you mike mike they can't stop you you're one of these motherfuckers that lou reed is dead and mike castles is still fucking alive you understand me you were walking the fucking village with lou reed 20 years ago now he's dead singing the oop dee doop dee doop dee doop dee doop the fucking hell where the fuck he went and you're still up there in fucking woodstock new york slinging dick like you invented that that's that's just amazing that's just fucking baffles me that 60s when you told me this two weeks ago i hung up the phone i'm like you know what and think of all the things everybody's worried about in this world right now in the united states

and look at mike castley he may have maybe 300 hours into checking if he's lucky maybe but he don't give a fuck he's gonna go take his fucking real estate test i appreciate it man listen listen i like hey is this on the radio by the way yeah we're on live on new stream so go check it out i love you cocksucker don't forget about me and uh i'll keep in touch and i'll see you next week all right all right bye uncle mr terry the baby all right you got it brother all right bye bye that guy and me used to fucking he drove me to get so many coke rocks it's fucking ridiculous and we did it in like three different states we snorted blow and fucking new york boulder and la i mean to have something and he's 17 years older than i am guys it's uh and me you know

we smoke crack together i mean he knew every intimate secret about me and i told him everything because you need a friend to move forward he drove me to the audition for spider man really oh my god because in those days i would fall asleep from the sleep apnea i was a different fucking human being in the daytime i was snorting blow till five you know and i just some days i was like mike come on let's go let's go make some money or something i would have something to sell or i'd have a couple grams of blow and i make them drive me i give them 30 bucks for gas it's uh it's a different type of friendship you know some people have friends and everything is oopsie doopsie together you go bowling together you go eat lunch at a fancy restaurant together

we were struggling buddies when you struggle with somebody it's weird the relationship you build and over the years you applaud that person you go i remember you remember that time we had about three bucks to go fucking to that jet so uh he got me a job at acru and i was in the halfway house i go back with mike 30 fucking years 25 years now i'm thinking about that i don't want to ask him because i mean he must have his reasons but what what wouldn't he just go get a job selling cars like why is he going for his something different something new man a new chapter you know you you know leave your 25 yeah in three years you're gonna come to me one day and go i don't know bro i want to do something and you're gonna tell me and you're gonna think i'm gonna laugh at you

and i'm gonna laugh at you because you think i'm gonna laugh at you but i already know because i can't see somebody you know when i first came out of jail and i got married one of the things that spooked me somebody once told me a great man once told me that the worst thing a man could ever do is think because it'll scare the shit out of you and i was the king of the thinkers i thought i was fucking cappernicus and you know what sometimes i get in my head lee and i want to fucking shoot myself but when i was 25 it was worse when i was 25 i would get in my head so bad that i have to get up running puke from just the thoughts going through my stomach now i've learned to handle it over the years you know what i'm saying but you're gonna come to me one day and go dog

ever since i was fucking eight i wanted to play with flowers i don't go lee what are you talking about you're gonna go jog i got a hundred thousand dollars put away this guy's selling a rose farm and calabasas and i want to see what it's like you know i got the money i want to put invested and that's how millionaires are born because it was it something that he loved you love it you fucking after eight years you looked around the movie business and said i wanted to do this but i love to raise flowers or raise pit bulls or raise chihuahuas or raise parrots or whatever the fuck it is that you want to do yeah and that's how people people always look for a way to make money instead of looking for a way of something they love to do and then the money

will come because then the money is easy they become excellent at that field so it's just really weird that i always know when somebody's young they're gonna come at me because i would have came at you you know how many things i wanted to be when i was 25 how many a guitar player you want me to write them down for you a guitar player a brick mason a fucking actor a writer a fucking grace car driver i want to be a priest for a little time i wanted to try all these things but one day i said well you know i'm a piece of shit i'm gonna go to jail i'm these are the things i'm gonna definitely do when am i gonna find time to play the fucking guitar the comedy thing i always wanted to try it but i never thought i would do it because i didn't know if there was a living in it yeah at the time

for comics i didn't know if there was a living i thought i didn't really know i didn't really pay attention to it i bought the fucking albums and i put them on you know i bought the fucking albums but i put them on that's why i said to you when i go do a movie or a tv show now like next tuesday that shows me beyond i did brooklyn nine nine oh it's next Tuesday next Tuesday i'm sitting there and i'm looking around i'm going who the fuck would have dreamed this when i was at that bar when i was at joan marry's in 1982 and i was sitting at the fucking bar plotting to go rob that bookmaker in west new york okay do you think i said to myself you know i can't wait till i get back from robbing that bookie because i'm gonna take that money pack my bags and i'm gonna go

to an acting class and i'm like fuck no i never even so these are things i thought about but i never really dreamt about you know like it's a big fucking difference so lee i'm telling you just get ready to enjoy your life like most of the people that listen to this fucking podcast you might come to me one day and go joey man the landlord came in and he did the plumbing that's a fucking great job i want to be a plumber i'm gonna go work as a plumber's helper and learn to trade and uh lee there's so many i had a friend that was an engineer that was amazing kid was smart and fuck i grew up with him and he became a plumber one day he told me he wanted to become a plumber and everybody was like are you fucking kid this kid wasn't even built

like a plumber this kid didn't have the body to even be a fucking violin player never find a fucking plumber he's a fucking successful plumber today with like six trucks and four employees and is sunworth wow well i'm going through it now because i i went through this thing a couple weeks ago with my job where i had to leave on a saturday night with my girl here i left her here and i went to work and they changed my schedule so i've been telling people because i'm gonna start once this job ends i'm gonna start doing try to do this full time and people it infuriates me i've had like four or five people when i complained about having to go in on saturday night or whatever they're like oh well welcome to the welcome to adult life and welcome to the real world this that's

just how it is in every job i'm like why like why do you like why does it have to be and it it infuriates me i've had four or five people like say oh you shouldn't you shouldn't give up the tv gig and that's just how it is and why like why does it have to be listen every job they don't call it a job because it's fucking easy okay they call it a job because it's work okay nobody said every job has its fucking great points and every job has its shitty fucking points you know this times do you know i hate working locally comedy wise yeah like you know i hate driving two hours to a gig oh the other gig i'm like what the fuck what was i thinking and also i'm like wait a second i just took a plane for the last eight fucking weeks i would have thought you love yeah you know

i'm saying it's just different things that we overlook that we go look how fucking easy our job is i don't want to drive fucking two hours yeah oh no trust me i would hate see when you kept saying brick mason or plumber that would that would be a day in hell for me i wouldn't last four hours but it's not that what about the design of bricks i always when i look at the church i look at the design of the bricks and i go man i wish i could do that oh no i wish i could but i i wouldn't you ever see a neat fucking church whether it's a temple made with bricks and they make a circle i could never i don't you know what that guy's name is no i know you know that dumb fuck with the mustache on community one parks on recreation that walks around nick awfully i know you know

that fucking jack i know you know that jack love's name right yeah no no i'm but i'm just saying it's amazing no no it's amazing the things we don't know and the things we know i'm not making fun of nick i'm just saying that it's amazing how those things to me are brilliant no but it's amazing how hopefully that guy goes to work he wakes up every day he's like fuck yeah i'm not gonna go design a fucking awesome church as opposed to i think that's the thing you you you have to find a different you you can't get a job because right now i have a job you have a job right and i think i think you're right i think they don't call her job because it's fun i think you have to find something fun and i i put i put three years but nothing's fine nothing's fucking i find this

i find this fun if i had to wake up at six for that other thing i wouldn't do it i wouldn't have lasted over a year doing it the thing is this a lot of people wouldn't wake up at six a lot of people don't want to have to do the audio stuff or or or that's whatever but this is fun for me and i put three years and doing this job and another job and it's finally gotten to the point where i might be able to stop but i think that's unfortunately what you have to do and it kills me i have a friend who i started out working with who's an editor who's an amazing cook he makes his own buffalo wing sauce he makes his own blue cheese dressing but he's 30 and he doesn't think he could start being a chef he he thinks he has to he's put enough he's put 10 years into editing

and he has to stick it out and he hates it it's killing him inside and uh i i think it's 30 is the per I mean this motherfucker Mike Kessler is starting a new career at 67 yeah 30 is a fucking kid yeah 40 you're still a fucking kid so the guy's just scared because oh it's that's a big jump that's a big jump and he's making money hasn't that yeah because you imagine now he has to get cut so you have to cut that salary in half for me to make money but if that's if he went to work at a restaurant what if he took a chance and started a catering business or food truck on the weekends yeah food truck on the weekends yeah just on the weekends while he edits he tells the editing job listen uh i got a fucking grandmother who's coming from Slovakia and she's missing a leg

i gotta push her around the car on a fucking day on fridays whatever and then on friday he prepares and every saturday and sunday he goes to a different event just to try it out on his own nickel he and when he sells out he sells out he doesn't overcook he buys enough but when he sells out he sells out that's what i'm talking about that we have to take what we have and use it to our best ability that guy probably has a mortgage he probably has a wife he probably has a kid you know it's it's not it's not feasible for him to just make the career jump but if you're 30 living at home with your mother in the basement playing fucking games you know what bitch you had nothing to fucking lose no you got nothing to lose and that's the reason why i got into comedy and

did the things i did at that age because i was either gonna end up fucking being right now i'm a 40% loser this i would have been a fucking hundred zero percent loser zero when you have zero going on at least now i've i've made it to have 50% of action in my life i haven't accomplished the things that i wanted like maybe to be an author maybe to be a fucking astronaut or something like that but as far as a losing a productive member of society i'm at like 40 i pick up papers i'm nice to children i feed cats on the street you know i'm saying i try to be honest with people i use my fucking blinkers yeah i'm polite to people i say good morning if they don't want to say good morning back is i'm fucking them i say good morning i gave them the touch of love they don't

want to love me back then fuck them then they don't love them and they don't love themselves so that's all you could do in the morning i fuck around on twitter but before i leave i say have a fucking beautiful day because i want everybody to be touched and i want them to touch me with their fucking loves this shit works out so we build the shield so the fucking nobody could give us the bad eye no mother fucker give us this thing guy if you come to the member of the church every day because we open up but we love you we open up with a man it's great to fucking see you you know somebody's asking this morning do you hate i don't hate nobody that ain't a fucking morning you know who i hate and that ain't no more who nobody i think about it maybe the

air conditioning guy the guy going back to the sleep apnea anyway let's get this party started let me tell you something i'm feeling smooth today i shaved you know what more and more every day i get impressed with on it i thought that dollar shave club every day more and more i get impressed with dollar shave club and i'll tell you why because at first i was leaving hair around my lips and shit like that because i wasn't using it right and then i got the full patois of the fucking thing dollar shave club is the best value going for the money you don't have to get up no more you don't have to go down to the fucking store and stand behind some fucking chuchu handing and change waiting for a fucking receipt no no you don't have to do dick all you gotta do

is go to joeydears.net prick on the link what are you preppers church church ch u r c h and fucking pick a package a dollar a month six dollars a month or nine dollars a month you want to buy some extras knock yourself out i wouldn't go anywhere without one white fucking charlie's i got them in my fucking bag i got them in my suitcase i don't use them every day because you don't want maybe there's days where you don't want your ass or the smell like mint you want that natural fucking upua from the mufla you something saying go to dollar shave club go to joeydears.net pressing the fucking box church and start today on your fucking deal with dollar shave club all right and while you're at it while you're on joeydears.net why you gotta fucking think about it you

might as well go to hulu plus the best value out there i'm giving you two weeks for free gratis who gots free nothing a dollar nothing nothing keep it put it in your pocket i don't want it in two weeks you give me seven ninety five a month and that's it that's eight dollars a fucking month basically to watch unlimited television shows right at you wherever the fuck you want on a plane on a bus while you're taking up the ass at work you fucking could look off your fucking phone that's how fucking great hulu plus makes a fee go to joeydears.net but you'll be already there because you already ordered fucking dollar shave club so now you might as well go what the fuck if you're walking on ice you might as well dance joey i love you too

much bam you're gonna get dollar shave club and hulu plus and fuck it keep scrolling then you got on it then you're gonna go to me joey why are you up and hollering up and jumping up and down and so energetic at seven in the morning because on it got me there this morning the acai shake vanilla with a little fucking glucose whatever in it i had some fucking corn flakes bang looking uncle joey the titties are tightening up for the holidays that's gonna take that pill so the fucking estrogen goes to my fucking helmet and my nutsack packs up anyway so that's what i'm giving you i'm giving you hulu plus i'm giving you fucking on it and i'm giving you and what's the what's the code name for on its church now listen i'm gonna be honest with you people i get a little taste if you guys

get something only the minerals i don't give a fuck on it so it has so many fucking good things if i was you get on the kettlebell program buy that 20 fucking four pounder and start swinging go online they got a dvd they on it is happening it's the future all those you know when you go to the fucking supermarket and you and they got all these vitamins those people are dinosaurs on it it's what's working for 2013 that's what i'm giving you today wednesday november six motherfucker you know what friday is what the anniversary of my mother's death no i'm going to the kitchen fucking floor sure it is wait so 80 what did you find 79 79 you found a five 30 fucking four years ago like a soldier maybe even 35 but who the fuck's counting just to let you mother fuckers know

all right and you know what i'm doing friday i'm working i'll be in north carolina eating barbecue licking the fucking north carolina off my fingers you know what i'm saying calling lee and saying smell my finger over the iphone bitch wait till they make that up smell my finger up you can finger somebody in the asshole go on your phone click that number so smell your phone guess what it is it's an asshole that's right see you later get the working on it that's a joey b is fucking that i know that somebody that listens to this podcast but put that up together so that's what i got for you that's it what the fuck Lee what are you gonna have ribs or brisket what's your barbecue i'm a brisket type of dude i like the brisket i like the little pork tight ribs i don't

like my ribs juicy with fucking fat hanging off okay i don't like that shit i gotta work out today i can't work out tomorrow but i gotta work out friday inside i'm back sunday we're back at this motherfucker next week monday and wednesday and that's it guys i don't know what else to fucking tell you what i the message of the day is might cast the 67 taking a real estate exam and you're fucking worried about obama care and what you know i'm saying you think my cast is worried about obama care no you know why because he doesn't think that way he could give a frenchman's fuck when he gets sick he'll take care of it and that's what i advise for you guys if you're fucking 25 sitting there with a finger up your ass do i play war of lord or a fucking uh what's the other

game where they chase cars and sure grand theft auto play fucking life that's what you play get out there in the car hot wire take the cops for a fucking ride jump off the fucking thing these fucking idiots they go back and forth the cops chasing you plan your fucking thing if you don't have the cops chase you you're planning and you get like a fucking lake that's how they do it and you're fucking driving and you put the brakes on you jump off the fucking car and the eyewitness can't get you you go under the lake the helicopter uses you you have a boat waiting for you so you you just want to have the cops chase you sure when was the last time the cops chased you never okay that's the problem never you you put it down like it's bad yeah

okay so when the cop puts a fucking blight on you oh you pull right over there are rap songs that have the the bud the sirens and i have a heart attack every time i look around yeah i've been pulled over like three times i don't take them for a ride like an extra block until oh no oh you have to oh let me tell you i was driving back from la to boston after i interned here and i was in new mexico and it's really flat i was and i i was in a fucking station wagon and i was one stop away from getting lunch and i saw in like the median that where it's like just grass in the middle of the country i saw a cop i looked down i was doing fucking 90 because it's flat and no one's there so you don't even notice he he pulls out and i'm like fuck i'm

gonna get a fucking ticket and i passed by an exit and i was like fuck should i just look at this guy i bang on the glass time to go fuck myself for the neighbor probably wake him up every morning but but i i think should i fucking try to run oh you gotta fuck you gotta suck that oh there's four neighbors oh but i was thinking should i try to run like i was like if i went down that exit like it was like it was perfect if i'd gone down that exit and tried to hide i might have been able to hide but he pulled me over and i was so fucking nervous i was dressed like i am today in gym shorts he asked me if i had military training because i was like fucking shit i was amped i was shaking i get so nervous when i got pulled over i would never ever run or

go for an extra mile i would stop right there he would petrify me sometimes one time i got with the bulldog i told him go on keep going go around me he was pissed no he didn't yes i did i fuck around all the time about 30 years ago in north bernie we told him go around me go around me guy sitting there like a fucking bumpy following me like some fucking what's that music you had on from before hit me with that b-52 is i'm only a fire up i gotta drive home like a cut asians off oh shit let's have a guitar we kick that motherfucker well b-52's 1980 debut album one of my all-time favorites look at the guitar hit it lead

that's as loud as it goes me that's as loud as it goes me oh shit it's like it's called cutting cutting surfboards rocking moving here we go oh shit past the tanning butter crack that shit

i'm gonna have to go home and take that quail in the jar you're fired up today put that fucking thing on i'm only saying like the loud loud crack that shit it's wednesday the 6th of november viewing the beast all right please here we go king of lee what are you fucking kidding me get the fucking get the turban rock what rock what rock oh shit i can't stop shaking i might that little kid fucking team when we zoom in never playing rock lobster again i never knew that would take off it sets me off like fucking curly in the three stooges that episode when he was smell wild heisen and just smack people in the fuck i gotta find people up i'm not gonna see you till wednesday this weekend

roly north caroline and all surrounding areas i advise you to come down we're gonna be fucking fired up lee can't come he's on probation he can't he can't go to north caroline i'm coming in solo next weekend strong island governors are you kidding me one show friday two on saturday your mother fuckers better come down with cakes and bazookas and who got sauce and spaghetti sauce and everything and the week after i'm with my main man joey fallado and st louis moe at the fucking old rock house or some shit like that go to my website joey dears what is it dot net dot net click on for the fucking date get tickets on date get the tickets for the t-shirt get hulu plus get fucking dollar shave club get something from i don't give a fuck what you get from

mine they get a jump rope but they're here to help you that's what i'm trying to say what else that's all you gotta tell me do i give shout outs today uh no oh fuck dania you bad motherfucker i don't hate arabes jackson roey louis jr how many fucking names you got for a fucking black guy get it together steve louis bad andy i love you nick magneto you bad motherfucker matt ziles steve luba and my man ron kubrick he's a new fucking listener so we gotta hook him up you know and that's it what can i get three weeks away from thanksgiving oh yeah when you're gonna send your father the denny's you can take it to the mexicans now no we're gonna go somewhere nice when we take that poor man you don't give him a pocket you're gonna come over we're gonna do a

special podcast thanksgiving more than all three of us get fucking yoked up we eat some fucking out of books we'll do some do some heavy duty and we'll tie him up leave him in a chair and smack him what do you think it was last time you tied your father left to the dark room the last time you gave him medibles we didn't do shit i think i'm gonna get the fuck out of here have a great fucking weekend hopefully i'll see you in north carolina we'll be back monday at six a.m i was i had a great fucking thing on wednesday but this fucking guy can't do the afternoons now i'm gonna kick him in the stomach because he's got a job for two more weeks now so when's your last day of work next friday that's it yeah what's next

friday's date the 15th yeah and then we could do a daytime one on wednesday and over in the 22nd i could do one next wednesday don't fuck with me because i fucking see no i could do one that's what he told me he i like the one with tom rose we could do that all the time all right awesome guy got brody i can't do wednesdays after working but the fuck but i need your monday because we gotta meet that chick so you can't take monday and wednesday i'm not gonna do that i'm not taking them on i can go to i can go in an hour late you could yeah all right you're gonna get gel did you order the robe yet with the yamakana i'm not well we were in Costco i was in Costco with a mom when we passed my robe since she joked around she's like i'm gonna get you this robe i said fuck you

i'm not getting a robe get your robe and then we're gonna fucking put a yamakana and call it the flying fucking juke you kidding me it would have a great weekend be safe tell somebody you love them till they make their motherfucking day what are you gonna play for me let me play some tupac all right then let's fucking play this motherfucker oh shit let me get me high by association another the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus that you've been on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your dvpc smartphone tablet dvpc support this podcast and get an extended free trial for hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or just go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner

and don't forget to sign up for dollashaveclub.com you'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollashave and get your shit together tell me when my enemies flee when they see me believe me even does gotta learn to take it easy listen through the internet search a heart for a plan returning backwards to come in it's only gonna give a holler to my niggas in the darkest corners roll a perfect block and let this ball get for you one line from a dog make a roll away the plushies full of power knowing drug dealers till they hear my friends i'm seeing nothing but my dreams coming true while i'm staring

at the world through my review room so i'm seeing nothing but my dreams coming true while i'm staring at the world through my review they got me staring at the world through my review oh dumb some niggas be here for the moment and then they gone We'll have it to him, well let's see It seems to be a mystery But all I know I'll never let them run and get to me Stay down like the truest dog I've tricked till I check out this bitch

I thought you knew this, who was gonna catch me when I fall or even care to Why you thinkin' I see you, no slip in my rear view Head view, it's down with them outlaws Outcasts, black fog, a few like sidewalks But still we keep mashing till our dreams come true Stepping out the world through my rear view Now I'm as crazy as a young black male In order to get paid for stupid crack sales

Call the niggas or they send me to these over-packed jails In the sale countin' days in this livin' black hair Do you feel me? Keys to ignition, usage of discretion World with a 12 gauge par for protection Niggas hate me in this section from years of G-Jackin' Do turn and split the rest in war weapons 75 I'm a soldier

I'm gettin' hotter cuz the roads get colder Baby let me hold ya Talk to my gus like they fly bitches All you brats express the gun lookin'