Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/11/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #126

Episode Date: November 11, 2013

Joey Fellato calls in with some hilarious stories. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 11/11/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get a high quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshave club banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. Monday, November 11th. Motherfucking Veterans Day. Salute these motherfuckers while you hold your cock out of respect.

Are you kidding me or what? I was on a plane yesterday stone to the gills coming back from Dallas to fucking LA and on my eye fucking tarpard whatever that leap put he put on this out dirt and I was having a coma stone to the gills with my eyes closed. Wolverine was on the movie Wolverine uh-huh and I'm half asleep and this fucking song comes on and I'm like half into this fucking like reefer coma and all of a sudden I start listening to this motherfucker and I remember I forgot how great of a fucking jam this is. Check this out. Blast this motherfucker here. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Are you kidding me or what? Break out the syringe, the reefer, the vitamin C, the flu shots, rub her feet with fucking Bengay. Do what you gotta do.

Crank that motherfucker, Lee. All fucking circuits blast black. I want smoke coming out of the fucking speakers. That's how loud this should be right now. Kick it, Lee. Kick it. Are you kidding me or what? Good morning. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. Lee Syat, mad flavor aka Joey Diaz here. Serving you motherfuckers. On Veterans Day, it's a beautiful day to be alive. What's happening baby? Now you're all fired up. Fired up. It's Veterans Day. If I had a cannon, I'd fucking shoot it. If I had an MAD, I'd drop it right now and I'm fucking right in the street on Ventura. Fuck it. I'd be scaring Asians. I don't give a fuck. Who's outside? Somebody's out there? Knock

on the window. Say hello. What's happening people? It's a beautiful day to be alive. Monday, October, November 11th. You got fucking five weeks before Christmas and you're sitting there scratching your fucking head like a student. Get up, wash your feet, wash your pussy, do what you need to do. Get out of the house. Somebody's got your fucking money in their pocket. You understand me? That's a good way of looking at it. That is a good way. That's how a Jew looks at it. A Jew wakes up in the morning and he goes, somebody has got my fucking paper in their fucking wallet today and I'm going to get it without a gun. And that's it. That's the way it is. How was your weekend, little fucking? It was good. Just saw the girl for one day on Saturday and then just hung out here.

So it was nice. It was nice and relaxing. You love her? Yeah. I like it. I like that you're in love. I can see it in your face. You look more handsome than ever. What are you going to put some gel on your fucking haircut? When I get hair to put it in. And you went for a little walk yesterday after we talked on the fucking phone? Yeah. I don't think it was a mile, but yeah. That's all. That's fucking it. And you breathe some pollution. You got some of your lungs. You're in LA. It's not like there's fresh air. You got to be honest with yourself. I mean, when we landed yesterday, I could see, it's one of those days yesterday where you could see the fucking coat of just dust and moonshine and fucking just... It's disgusting. I can't even imagine what's in

that air. And I don't want to know. At this point, what are you going to do? Yeah. I got one foot in the grave, one up an ant appeal, and what am I going to do? And North Carolina was amazing. When you wake up in the morning in North Carolina, you go outside and breathe. Jesus fucking Christ. And the people were so sweet and so nice. You know, Thursday night, I ate death. I just bombed, you know, and then Friday and Saturday shows progressed Charlie Goodnight to Good Club. It's under new ownership. You know, this guy's taking over that owns the Heliums, and that motherfucker knows how to rock a club. That's the best menu in the... I mean, fucking Helium and Portland had a Cuban sandwich, a panini, that was tremendous. The salad was

tremendous. And I'll tell you what else. I fucked up in Portland. I never told nobody this. What? I had ranch dressing by mistake. And I got to tell you something, not ranch the shit that you guys get, that country ranch on a bottle of God's shit. They had tater tots on the menu, and the Mary, the Polish chick, ordered some tater tots, and it came with this red dressing. Yeah. Right? So it was like flaming red pepper ranch. That was the name of it, like red peppery, ranch or something. It was delicious. I couldn't even tell it was ranch. That's how good it was. I hear in Buffalo, New York, which I'm going to be up there January fucking 9th, rocking the fucking Canadian border, like a savage. They got an Italian restaurant tied into it. So that's

wings and fucking gulbat sauce and the whole thing. I can't fucking... Oh, you're gonna have a heart attack. None of them I've been very good lately, man. I only had a little bit of brisket. I only had a couple ounces of brisket and the salad. You know, I'm gonna lighten up on the meat a little bit. I'm off the testosterone. You know what, man? That was a fuck up I made. I listened to a lot of fucking people. You know, I became a sheep on that situation because a lot of people told me I was getting older. I should be on testosterone. I told my family doctor and my family doctor was like, what are you fucking crazy? You just got your wife pregnant. You don't need testosterone. But now in this country, if you're down like a certain level on the testosterone,

they prescribe it. I read the article the other day how it raises the stroke level, raises your chance of getting a heart attack. I got to tell you, man. It does? Yeah. You know what? I felt a little when DC, I had a headache for two days. That was mind blowing. I didn't know what was going on. I talked about it on the podcast and I also, there was a lot of differences I was having. I was having a lot of anxiety. I don't have anxiety no more without the testosterone. No, I went away. Boom. When I breathe now and I'm having a hard time, you know, I watched Blue Jasmine on the way to,

to Blue Jasmine was on the plane. The movie with Andrew Dice Clay and a bunch of people was great. But the chicken that said that when she stops breathing, she holds her breath, she panics and you get anxiety. That's the same shit that happens to me. Stephen Keppling and his email had a whole thing about when you do jiu-jitsu, you hold onto your breath. I do the same thing with everything. Sometimes when I walk upstairs, I hold my breath, you know, without even knowing. So you have panic attacks. I was getting them more often. Like when I was getting off planes and I'm walking off the ramp, you're sitting down for four fucking hours. When you walk off that ramp, you breathe heavy. I was getting panic attacks.

Yes, they walk like a fucking savage. So it works for some people and it didn't work for my body. And you know who told me Justin Fortune, the trainer down in Justin's gym, he's training Pacquiao now for the next fight. Oh fuck. Yeah, he's the strength and conditioning coach. And he told me, he goes, you know what? Discipinate testosterone doesn't work for body types like yours and mine. We're a little thick little, he's a thick little Italian, Australian guy. And he goes, you're a thick little fucking Cuban. And all that shit never worked for me. Like even as a kid, the steroids, I just, so, you know, I just got off and I gotta tell you, I feel just as good. I went, I'm still using the hem force protein from on it,

but I'm putting glue glue them in this thing that helps recuperate your muscles and shit. I'm still doing the kettlebell things. I'm going to go today at 930 and I'm going to go Wednesday. So it's just amazing that and when I had Dr. Medici and I got a lot of negative emails from people about testosterone and I should really look into it before I put a doctor and they were right. They were right. You know, and for me, it didn't work. It might work for other people, people, you know, and in this country, it's like, they always do tests with those fake pills. What do you call those? Oh, maybe Liz or whatever the fuck they call them, like when they, when they put you a survey. Yeah. And I think that a lot of that shit is just mental sometimes. A lot of it

is. I'm surprised that I think so. I really fucking think so, man, because it didn't fucking work for me. Like I feel, you know, me, I'm energetic every fucking morning. I feel like stabbing a motherfucker right in the shower. Once I get in that shower, and my mind starts kicking, you're fucking done. That's with testosterone, without testosterone, with blow without blow. That's the way I've always been. So the recuperation, I'm fucking 50 guy, you know, what do you expect from a 50 year old to be a fucking bodybuilder with the correct people around them and whatnot? Yeah, I could do a ton of shit. I try to work out four days a week. But now I feel a little better. I don't, my neck's not hurting no more. I was getting a lot of neck pain from the blood pressure

and stuff. So you know what, man? You live and you're fucking alone. Never again will I be a sheep and listen to, you know, and then I read this article that came out. A lot of people even tweeted it to me. And it said that, you know, from 2010 to 2000 now, testosterone prescriptions have tripled. Sure. Because all I got was horny. I was getting the worst fucking thoughts everly. Like I was getting some sexual fucking thoughts. I never had before. I was thinking of going to massage parlors and fucking Chinese women. You know, I was always fucking honed up. I had a whack off eight fucking times a day. So that's the only thing it did. So what it tells me is that it's America at work again. It's some fucking politician that said fucking passed the law,

fucking, because he's getting sucked and fucking 80. And look at my uncle. My uncle did it for 30 fucking years. He's not too good right now. Once you fuck with your hormones, man, that's kind of because as you were saying, I'm like, it's weird because it's all, all anyone talks about and they have all the commercials now. So like it can't be asked to work for some people. But then I was thinking, because before I started dating this girl, I had not all the time, but like I had some boner problems. Like every once in a while it wouldn't work. And I was like, well, now that I'm with this girl that I'm comfortable with, it's fine. Like there's no, there's no problems at all. So maybe like the ED is all mental. So I think maybe because it was mental for me,

maybe it was just maybe all that stuff is mental. I mean, it has to work for some people. But I think some people just need that extra thing to have like that blanket. You know, I've never needed that fucking blanket because I never had one. So I don't understand the psychology of it. It just didn't work out for me. It didn't make me feel any fucking better. It didn't give me all the energy level. Listen, I always want to fuck my wife. There's not a day when I look at her moving around, I see the kid I want to give her a stab at all the fucking time. You know what I'm saying? I don't need. And that's why I got her pregnant when I was 49 and she was 43, 42. So, you know, I think that some drugs are meant for some people

and some just aren't, you know, but I'm happy I'm off it. I feel a lot better. You know, I've given the pasta break. I've given the bread a break. I've given the butters a break. You know, I gained a lot of fucking weight on that testosterone. That testosterone was to help me fucking lose weight. It made me fucking hungry. I was hungry and I was constantly, and you know, since I wasn't fucking, you know, my wife's just had the baby. When I had to give her a stab in three times a fucking day, the baby's around, you know. So, it was, I'm happy. I'm happy. And after I read that article and some people sent me some journals and shit, I feel a lot better. So, I want to thank the church community for helping me out

because we're all in this together, man. You know, yesterday when I got back from the airport, I had Josh Wolf in the car. He was on the plane with me, Carlos Oscar, Barry Diamond from the movie Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks was there. He's one of the comics that was on, you know, we weren't all working together. But when I was driving back with Josh Wolf, we spoke on the phone, you and I, and I said to you, what are you doing? You said nothing. I go, go outside and take a walk. You know, it's a beautiful thing. Go get some sun and when I called back of you, I just got back and it was nice. You felt good. Yeah. Even if you wouldn't get a chicken teriyaki, at least you're walking. You get some circulation. You know,

I was thinking about acupuncture and how, again, another thing that doesn't work for a lot of people. But it worked for me because I think for me, you know, acupuncture came in and helped my nervous system recover from the cocaine addiction in only seven years because I was getting the spine pain. I was getting these jolts of my fucking towards the end of my cocaine addiction. At the end of the night, I would get these electrical fucking jolts in my fucking spine. Jesus. I was getting my security bike, Vietnamese people and taxis or whatever that fucking movie is. And and even my ankles were swollen. You know, when we're big guys, you got to check your ankles. That's how you know if you're your blood, your circulation. That's why I always say, you know,

do bridges and put your legs up. I didn't know this till I was 40. My fucking legs wouldn't even, my legs were just one, you know, and you have to get your ankles. That's the circulation, you know, so water and walking around. And that's what I think acupuncture helped me, that it got my circulation in order, the copying and all that shit. And it also got my fucking central nervous system and show. What's all this health talk today? I don't know. Let me tell you something. I smoked some good weed in North Carolina. Oh, some fucking dude. Did they grow there? Yeah, in the mountains. He gave it to me Friday and it was weird because I smoked it before the second show. And I was so fucked up when I went on stage like the lights

were even. I had an edible in me. I ain't got a light here, but and then I smoked it. I left it there and I had my own weed in my room. And when I went back to the club to Charlie's, I fucking smoked again and goddamn, that weed was strong. I had one joint left of it. And I smoked it before the plane before because I took a connecting flight because a lot of these cities now don't have direct flights till late. So I had to go from Raleigh to Dallas and then Dallas to but don't good thing about Dallas is again, if you're a fat fuck like me, they had barbecue. I didn't eat it yesterday because again, I'm trying to lighten up with them. I've been eating a lot of salmon lately too. People say salmon's good and I've been eating them. It's I can't get

in. I like locks, of course, but I just can't get into salmon for some reason like the cook. There's two types of ones that making the fucking river. People like that's kind of fucked up. That's I worked at a seafood restaurant and like the farmed one, they put in like an orange dye to make it look like the fresh salmon. I mean, I'm not a health person, obviously, but I mean, that's kind of weird that they're like make it look make it look good, but it's like gray when they first catch it. Yeah, which is kind of weird. That's fucking weird. But we I kind of want to talk about this because I have two cousins in the military. Okay, so today's veteran like I was thinking about it because they have all those videos on CNN of soldiers coming home and I feel

bad because what my one cousin has like a two year old daughter and she has to she has to give the kid to the dad for a couple for like six months. They're sending her over not I don't think it's Iraq or Afghanistan, but it's like one of the Middle Eastern for six months or a year and she her kids two years old and like what they're they're they're moving out of the area. So she has to take apart the base so that I'll have internet or phones over there anymore. So she's going to be over there for at least six months. Can't talk to her kid. I was thinking about it. Like not like not to mention just infantry, but I don't think I could do anything in the military. I think I would last about eight minutes and it's just like, could you do it? Could you have talked about wanting

to join the army? You know, I had this conversation Friday night at the club. There was some nice gentleman at the club. He had been two tours or three tours of Iraq or something. He was saying real nice fucking guy bought me a pitcher of beer afterward. I forgot his fucking name. I'm really sorry about that. I know you listened to the podcast, but you were a gentleman. You and your friend were fucking funny as shit. And it's, you know, for years, it was well known that Bruce Lee wanted what Steve McQueen had and Steve McQueen wanted what Bruce Lee had. It's so funny like it. You're never happy in thine own self. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. How you doing, my man? It's my little brother, Joey, for a lot of Joey, let me tell you something. I was honestly thinking

about this, you know, when my and I'm going to tell you right on the fucking podcast, you know, you live in St. Louis and my agent contacted the funny bone in St. Louis and they passed on me. They said, fuck Joe Diaz. And then there was another club. They contacted close to it and they told my agent, fuck Joey Diaz. And I felt bad because I really wanted to go see you and your new life. And you're the fucking main reason I'm going to St. Louis next week with the fucking other Jew, Ari Shafir. And I can't wait and shit. I can't fucking wait. Another flying Jew. I'm bringing the other flying Jew, Ari Shafir. Oh my God. I don't have a good he is, but I can't wait. St. Louis is going to be an uproar, baby, when you come. Let me tell you

some Ari Shafir is an honorary North Bergen dude. All right. Ari Shafir is an honorary North Bergen dude. He's even eating a chance. That's how deep Ari Shafir does. Like this flying Jew here with the pooh pooh platter. Once you eat a change, you're an official fucking North Bergenese. That's how we do it. So he's, oh yeah, those pooh pooh platters were great. You remember them? Oh, what the fucking, that grows with spare ribs. Oh, yeah, with those other drinks, what were those drinks that everybody used to make down there that used to kill you? The fucking Zombo. The zombie. And the guy's name of the bartender was Frank, a Howard or something. He had like a white name, but he was trying. It was real close to the city. So you did one zombie

and next thing you know, you want 179 picking up a fucking Jibo and back to the fucking, you would believe, you could be, you could leave and make it back to Chan's in 25. It's 20 minutes. It's 20 minutes. In those days on the bridge, the bridge was right there. Oh my, oh, you know how many times I went up to Chan's going to that, I'm not going to get high. I'm going to go up there and each shrimp and lobster sauce and every time I be in there by myself, somebody from North Bergen will walk in, see me, send me over a fucking zombie and it was all over. Next thing you know, I'm on 178 talking to fucking Budo about the fucking Jamus. That's what happens. This fucking sucks you in, man. People are listening right now. You guys

don't understand from where we come from. It's just, it's the undertow. It just sucks you right back in, baby. They're all doing the same shit. You know, still today, I bet you're drinking zombies and eat poodle platters. I just want to, I just want to educate these motherfuckers. Tell these motherfuckers what you're cooking for your uncle, Joey, when it comes to St. Louis. Oh my God, look at, we're doing a down home, New Jersey chicken cutlet, mashed potatoes, a little, a little red beans and rice, a little Puerto Pican style, and then we'll get to, and then we'll throw in the American, uh, what is that, rice or roti? Oh shit. The chicken color will be double breaded, fucking Vito eggs. Oh, nice and thick. You don't know about each chicken

color for us. Now, let me know what chicken color, let's tell these motherfuckers, these people. It's 2013, in 1982, before Larry Holmes fought the white guy. Remember, we watched it in your garage. Jerry Cooney, Jerry Cooney, that was the great right hope. And your mother made, your mother Carmella made two different types of chicken cutlets for us. She made the ones dipped in flour and the ones dipped in fucking breadcrumbs like a motherfucker. You got a double breaded, you got a double breaded, science motherfucker. I can't wait for you to come. St. Louis, every day I get somebody hitting me up from St. Louis or the area, Chicago, fucking Milwaukee, like Joey, we're taking a road trip down, we just bought

two tickets, so I could tell it's going to be fucking crazy. I could tell. Oh, fucking beautiful. I'll be picking you up from the airport, we'll do whatever we got to do, and then we'll just head right down to the club. Listen, we're smoking everything, we're smoking bazookas, fucking turut turut sticks, we're smoking. Hold on, hold on, I'm going to have to go to the bathroom if you're talking about bazookas. All right. We're eating fucking, but we're eating chibo chews, we're eating the fucking goomy bears, we're getting an Anthony Dolores 500 milligram brownies. When I went out by you a couple of years ago, and you got all those edibles, man, they were fucking unbelievable. And that was, that was old technology. That's like, if you,

if you have an iPhone now, like if you have a phone now, that's real, if you had a phone now from 1982, and you went out somewhere, how big would it look? That's like the shit you weigh four years ago. That's nothing now. Yeah, that's nothing. Yeah, that's nothing. And it was fucking huge. I thought I was so cool. And the other day we had our brother called up, he's coming up. I almost haven't come to St. Louis. I'm going to ask him again this who Danny B wins. I'm going to try to get him to come to St. Louis. That's what he was saying. So he was, he was talking about Big Lou on the radio on the podcast the other day, and two days later, fucking Big Lou called him. So he says,

next time you have fallado on there, tell him to tell you a big Lou story and shit. Oh my God, Big Lou was, he was the man Big Lou. You know, I mean, a lot of times we hung out with Big Lou. Now I met him, folks. I met him playing flag football. Now picture this, this guy is six foot seven, 260 pounds. And he was a center and I'm five foot four, 220 pounds. And I was the middle god. And I was like, I'm going to kick your ass, big boy. So he liked me ever since that time. And then I didn't know he was a career criminal. It was fucking beautiful. You know, we do a lot of shit with Big Lou. That was now he was also Muhammad Ali's boxing. Oh, yeah, he fought, he fought Muhammad Ali. He fought Muhammad Ali. He I mean, if you look him up, I mean,

he was serious. He was a no nonsense guy. But do you remember a guy from the Miami Dolphins called AJ Dewey? Yeah, fuck yeah. Okay, he used to impersonate AJ Dewey all the time. So I don't know if you remember back in like the late 80s when they had like, I think the Palladium had like all these like D 100 had all these like D 100 parties. Hell yeah. I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even before I left 100. He called up and impersonated AJ Dewey. He got six VIP tickets for me, Rago, Bianco, Rousseau, uh, clag couple others. And we went to the stadium and he was so we all get in. Now we're partying with Lisa Lisa, the Colt jams, the fat boys, run DMC and we would drink a champagne because everybody thought he was a Miami

Dolphins football player. He has no idea about the Miami. It was so fucking funny, Coco, that people were asking him questions that he was looking down on me. I'm like, yeah, you did this and he would ask for the question and shit. Oh my God, it was so many good times for big Lou. So no, no, no, no, I'm really excited. Like this week, I'm in Long Island or Daniel come up and some North Brown Blitz Long Island will be fucking crazy this week. But I know St. Louis You know what? I'll tell you what, I'm having a great fucking time doing this. I really am. That's why I opened up with the fucking rooster today out of respect to my Twitter. I said it to that much love to fucking veterans and the services. Keep shooting motherfuckers and

keeping us safe. Keep shooting motherfuckers. About the big Lou story when we went to California. No. Oh my God. But you know, Danny's cousin lived out there. What's his name? You know, the guy with the J. Jamo or something like that. Jamo and Greg. Yeah. Yeah. You remember Danny back in the late eighties, moved out to California and he was sending it in the weeds. You remember he was sending it in the weeds to us. Absolutely. He was sending it in 40, 50 pounds at a time through Newark Airport. So Danny moved back in back home and then we hooked up with big Lou and we started doing some things with big Lou. So we were like, we need to the score. What kind of score are we going to get? Daniel was, let's go take down J. Jamo. We were like,

okay, all of a sudden Danny starts setting it up. He starts calling. We jump on a plane all the way to California to Los Angeles. Now big Lou's like, where are we going to get the hardware to take this guy down? We went to a store and got pellet guns, right? We got and all of a sudden we rent this hotel room and Danny gets Jamo to come and he walks in. I'm standing in the closet Coco with a badge and a pellet gun and a hat and big Lou is on the balcony. All of a sudden Jamo and Danny walk in with a suitcase that he couldn't even carry. It had to be 45, 50 pounds in the suitcase. It was huge. He walked in. All of a sudden, boom, I jumped out of the closet. I said, freeze and Lou came and fucking handcuffed him and Danny drew him on the

floor and we just took the shit and fucking bolted out. It was it, man. It was fun, believe it was a huge score. And that was one of my big Lou stories, but there's many, many, many more over in Washington Heights too. That we did like that. But big Lou had it going on, man. We had a cop friend that was from Patterson, some old black guy forgot his name, but he had all the shit. He had the badges, he had the hats, he had the thirst warrants. And we just, you know, go over Washington Heights and take people down. I think I bumped into one of those badges at one time. I had one of those. Somebody had one of those badges around the fucking area and they lent it to me for a few weeks. And do I have to tell you, I busted into a bathroom once and robbed

some fucking kids with a badge in 95. No, maybe 94 in New Jersey. That's one of those places on Englewood Cliffs. Yeah. One of those bars up there. I went to the bathroom and I was jonesing and I heard two fucking kids snort in the fucking bathroom. So I saw him walk out and I saw what they were doing and I didn't have a piece of nothing. And I waited for, they were going in the bathroom together. And I went in there and I could tell that they had like two strippers with him so they just didn't have a gram of blow. And sure enough, the guy had like, at the time when I got him down, he maybe had like 12 grams of the baggy. He probably started the night off with a half ounce. Hey, man, when you fucking have no money and you live in a hotel in Fort

Lee and it's off the root four, anything is a fucking score. Remember those dirty hotels there? Those dirty hotels there? You know, there's those hotels there. I used to come right off the freaking 46 and move forward right over the bridge. You get there real quick, go to party. I remember one day, listen to this for a lot of one day, I was living in a hotel room in Fort Lee. It's 85. I'm living in a hotel room and I'm basically paying them daily. Like I didn't have the 170 to pay them for the week. I would just go out and steal $44 a day and I pay them daily. And one day I got caught up in New York. I didn't get back to like six o'clock at night when I went to pay him. They said, we rented out your room,

all your shits in the hallway or something. Yeah, hallway. So when I went to get it, I seen that I was missing something. So on the way out, I still had the key and I opened the fucking room and there was a guy and a chick fucking in the shower and he left his pants on top of the bed. I was flat broke. I probably had 60 bucks for the night and I stuck my hand to fucking pants and out came like a lot of fucking dough. I put in my pocket and I closed the door and I ran to roof four like right there with all my, in those days, I used to have an army bag. Everything in my life was an army bag. Okay. And I saw a cab and I got into the fucking cab. It was like 1800. I made them drive me to one of those other fucking hotels down on Fort Lee by

bananas. Oh yeah. By where bananas is to come. This is way before I thought about comedy, way before I thought about comedy. And I go, Oh, maybe I'll go to the comedy club. And I fucking, instead I went and took a bus into the city and got some fucking got some tootsie roots. And oh my God, I used to that area there. Every time I go into that Fort Lee area, the stairs on my neck still fucking same thing with me. My grandma is still living by Mediterranean towers. Oh yeah, right by there. That's where James lives. That's where Valano lives now. Oh, does he the Mediterranean towers? By the Mediterranean towers. They used to be restaurants in Fort Lee. They used to be a Chinese restaurant. There was always quiet. And I always knew when

there was quiet and I would walk in, eat. And on the way out, it was one of those places that you had a wait rather register for somebody to come out. And I would just pop the register open and clean it out and walk dog. This is how fucking crazy I was at the time. Oh my God. I used to love with Darren used to tell me story to Michael Jewel is when you used to take them down and see you were with the big giant like the whole display case you had in your hand. Yeah, but that was that. Remember, I was fucking with Michael's Jewels for maybe a year before that. I click Michael's Jewelers. I click Michael's Jewels September of 82. The year before that I started fucking I started going into Michael's Jewels that summer, the summer before. And they

would always give you rings and walk away. I never saw not like that, especially in New Jersey. You should know better. You should know better. You always get guys on my mother. First off, this was a jewelry store. I didn't have a buzzer on the door, which was very rare. Every jewelry store has a buzzer. You have to buzz in. How the fuck don't you have a buzzer? That's how trusting they were. And Rago used to tell me the stories when you were robbing him. Oh my God, it was fucking then going down to Kmart getting stereo. I think you got one for him in Rousseau for senior problem. They needed a stereo for their fucking car. And he used to rob them down at Kmart, right? I totally have you down there, right? Listen, man, the other day,

I told the story on the podcast that I was by the bank, I was taking money out of the ATM machine. And there was a long line, okay? And there was two kids, maybe 20, 21. The chick was hotter than fuck. And they were talking to people and I didn't know what was going on. So when I took my money or the positive check, whatever I turned around, the kid looked me in the face and he said to me, yo, can you spare a couple bucks? And I looked at them and I looked at the girl and I said, what, you don't suck dick. And he looked at me like in shock. And my point being was, tell him philato at that age. And that was when I was 16. I had no mother, no father, I had no fixed income. I was living in the runnies basement. I love their heart. I give them whatever I could.

And I had to do whatever the fuck had to be done. And I had to quit school and I had to do whatever had to be done. But it was beyond me. And Rago had no money. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. So I look at these 16 year olds now that get bullied and, you know, they have a skateboard and a thing of water and they're fucking walking around with their jackets on. I look at them and I go, oh my God, at that age, I wasn't even thinking about fucking a skateboard or a hat or a GI job. Oh my God, we were in school and fucking at what we were doing, we're going to school and Robin trying to fucking live like everybody else. Oh, you know, Darren had no money. When Darren's mother and father broke up, that was the saddest times of his

fucking life. And knowing now 30 years later, he needed me more than I needed him. You know, it was like a fucking amazing. And actually started doing the drugs. And I gotta tell you, man, I miss my mother. It was 34 years. My mother's been dead on Friday. But I gotta tell you, man, I miss Darren Rago. And it's because of shit like that. But you know what? I have no, I have my man, the flying Jew out here now. And he's got my back. Lee Syot. Lee Syot. He's over here. Oh man, you gotta take him to St. Louis. I'm thinking about it because he's off next week. I forgot all about it. Because every week, we'll have a fucking blast. We'll take him to St. Louis. You take him to a strip club. Oh, forget about the strip

clubs here, Coco. They're insane. Come on. And will they find his face and we give him a half a yard? Will a black shit fart in his mouth? Coco, they go totally naked and they walk around and they sit on your lap and they do everything and they're totally naked. And the back rooms, I've never seen strip clubs anywhere in the country like they are here. Lee's going to St. Louis. They're not in St. Louis. No, actually in Illinois. All right, we'll take Lee. We'll give him a couple of edibles. We'll blindfold them and we'll get a chick to suck this. I mean, get in and fart in his mouth. $25, $25. We'll get some fucking sally suck them silly over there in Brooklyn, Illinois. Sally suck them silly. Sally suck them silly. Oh, remember the port authority

years ago when they had, um, but 1982, 83, you come out of the freaking Lincoln tunnel and you had 4,000. I told them that black street, that's where we mugged the hooker and little wig on fire. Right there with the black pimp with the wheelchair. Right on that street there, there'd be thousands of hookers with topless and there were so many hookers that you had to do something. So they, you had to pull up to them. They let you feel their titties or finger bands. Yeah, they rushed the car. They rushed the fucking car like savages. Feel my suck. Let me suck your dick. You know, cause they suck the dick and they throw the pussy in for free. Something. There's always a deal. I remember one time fucking what's your name? Savatino was fucking getting his dick

sucked and shit like this. And all of a sudden he robbed the money back from the girl. It was unbelievable. You robbed the money back from this hooker. It was right on like 10th Avenue and like 42nd street or something like that. Right there, right behind the port authority, right around the corner from where they sold those fucking pretzels. Cause when you made the loop by Mercedes Benz, it was one block down from Mercedes and that dark, it was a dark street like Batman wouldn't even go there. Oh yeah. Yeah. There was hundreds of thousands of them. You could not believe it. Lee, you wouldn't. That's why I say that joke. That's what me, Roger and Stinky and Al Munez mugged that fucking hooker that time a little wig on fire.

Fucking Roger. Oh my God, the Pelican. I still talk to him. I see Timmy when I go home. Timmy's my little brother. I love Timmy Holloway. I can't wait until you come in. No, we're gonna have a fucking plan. I can't wait. So I'll see you next Thursday for sure. I'm happy you called up. You sound great. I can't wait to make to meet your daughter. Oh, thank you. I love you guys. Love you fucking coach. Thank you so much. I'll be calling your back door this week. But everybody over there, man, listen to this podcast because it's blowing up. I'm man Coco. We got it. We're going out with that movie. Everything. Everything. Oh, fucking beautiful. Give me a science before I go. Science cocksuckers. I'll call you during the week. I love you, brother. Thanks for calling.

Bye bye. Oh, shit. No, no, no. St. Louis is gonna be fucking crazy. I feel it. And I love this shit. Listen, man, the crazier the better for me. That's my realm. I don't want no decent fucking white people. If you're decent and white, stay the fuck home. All right. I love you to death. I want crazy people. You white team motherfuckers that sit there on your computers, but really think about blowing up fucking countries in your part time. That's the people I want. You add reefer to that mix. We get all fucking crazy. Let me get some shout outs to my main veteran, Adrian La Cruz. La Luz or La Cruz. I don't know what the fuck he's doing, but I want to send him some love. Sweetwater Pioneer Museum. I want to send you some fucking love down there.

H2, the Puerto Rican up in the Bronx, Chad Colbert, Thaddeus Scotia. Turn it, motherfucker. I love it. You know what I'm saying? What cocksucker, what? Fucking, did you see the thing fucking Neelya Samuel sent me this weekend? No, I posted him snorting something. Oh, no. He sent me this picture of fucking weed and it just says, he sent it to you too. He says, this is the shit that gave Leeside's grandfather and Dachau circa 1941. And I was just looking because I was looking on Twitter and fucking, I saw that and I thought of you. Neelya Samuel's is basically the craziest. If me and Neelya's got together, the FBI would show up for surveillance because he's, well, we could come up with it'd be fucking scary. His boundaries have no fucking boundaries. And that's the only

way to be a good comedian sometimes when you're not that funny, writing wise and all that. Like, I'm not that funny, writing wise, but I'm out of bounds. So once you're out of bounds, some people live out of bounds. That's the way the church people live. Out of fucking bounds. A little something Tony Bennett, dog. You know what I'm saying? She's been dead 34 years. I'm over here smoking dope. It's 10 to seven in the morning, 10 to 10 in New York. Oh, shit. I love you cocksuckers. And I want to be around even when they're gone. We're around. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody fucking lean on swerga already. He already posted $25 and we get him a sally stuck in silly. Oh yeah, you're done. That's it.

We're all gonna donate. That's it. It's over. You get the fight to the face. I'm gonna go home and see how much it is to put you in the back of the plane. 8 million dollars. Choice all the way in the back like a fucking school gots in the back fucking. And we'll get you a couple shirts. You can sell a man for the show. Let's do this. We all need you. What's up, baby? You look beautiful today. I'm trying. I wrote this down. What? I'm sorry. What did you write? What did you write? No, because we were talking about Steve. You were talking about Steve McQueen and Bruce Lee. So I wrote it down. We just started talking about, you know, Steve McQueen wanted what Bruce Lee had, which was to be a tough guy to have those skills. And Steve McQueen and Bruce Lee wanted what Steve

McQueen had was international fame. Okay. You know, and some people aren't, I don't even know where this was going. So don't worry about it now. Okay. No, we were just talking about, could you make it in the army? Oh, could I make it in the army? Basically, this is what really happened. I had my father had a friend that was one of those, my stepfather had a friend that was one of those people who recruited you. Okay. And I guess years later, we found out that's who was selling them this bulletproof fucking vest was that army guy was stealing from some fucking base or something like that. That's how corrupt the service is. So he had spoken to me a couple of times and I had spoken to him and everything was going great. I was listening to his speech.

I knew I had to do something with my life. And I had seen some people that got onto the service and they came back and they really hadn't done much. But I asked around, they said, if you really want to do something in the service, you could do something. You know, it was the fucking final straw between me and the service was the blood test. Once they started talking about a blood test, at that time, you weren't taking blood on me. When I was 18, and I had no mom and no dad, nobody had told me what to do. There was no way I was giving blood. And I actually thought about it. And I went to bed and I said, well, if I faint, you know, how can you faint at the fucking Marine fucking? You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, then I'm going to take you. He faint. I fucking

fainted. So once I thought about that, I didn't show. And to me, honestly, I felt I've made a couple of mistakes in my life. That's one of them was not joined the service. I mean, I wouldn't have been a comedian. Maybe I would have. Maybe I wouldn't have who knows. But the funny thing is that I always admired the fact that when you're 40, you're retired. Listen, you're going to put up with bullshit, no matter what you do for 20 years. Even if you have a college degree, you're going to put up with 20 years of bullshit, and you're going to retire. How? Now, let's say you go into college, you come out when you're what 22, right? Yeah, you come out when you're fucking 22, and you get a job, you're basically working to your 65. So that's 30 fucking years,

right? 40 years. No, 22, 65, take away 22 is 30 something fucking years. 43. Yeah. Really? No shit? Yeah. Are you serious? 20 plus 40 is 60. I'm too fucking hot to fucking shit out right now. You've been doubting myself. I was like, So what's the thing? What's the equation again? 65 minus 22 is 43. Why? You're right. Holy shit. You gotta work 43 fucking years, right? This is the way I come just trying to make like this, right? Yeah, 43 fucking years, and you got a pension, and you worked and you hated people. So let's say you're going to service when you're 18, you come out when you're fucking 40. You still hate the fucking life, but it's a lot shorter. And you're still a young man, and now you have three or four or five or six grand a month to fucking play with,

you could probably come out an officer, you know, you got benefits and insurance, and you know what, I didn't start living until I was fucking 40. So what's the difference? You follow what I'm saying to you? I mean, the correlation here, it might not work. A lot of you people out there thinking Joey, how can you promote the service or something like that? You know, look at the bad things they do. No, they do a lot of good things. I've seen them at least slow men down, at least put them in the right direction. I have a nephew that's in San Diego. Listen, I ain't gonna lie to you, he ain't no five beta fucking kappa, okay? But he's a great fucking kid, and he's in the Navy and he's loving it. And he was thinking of getting out and he saw what

his options were. What are your options today if you're a young man that's 20 fucking four years old? Even with a college degree, we've had this fucking discussion. You know, what are your options? You know, I have a friend that was talking to me, he's 40. And he dropped out of here for a few years, and he came back. And we spoke about a week ago, and he was talking to me that he's been back, and he was embarrassed to call me for a while, because he doesn't have a job in the industry. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I'm not one of those people. I could never tell somebody how to make a living. You know, I don't care how you make a living as long as you're happy. And he said, it's amazing. I came back when I left. I had all these contacts. And when I came

back, half these people gone and the other half of people can't hire me because I'm basically out of a loop for five years. So I don't know what to do. So he's going to move to New Orleans because they're shooting so many more movies. He feels somebody will hire him off the fucking back. But he's been back here a year and that got one he got one one job that was like four days of work. But you know, so it's amazing that even you know, at a lot of ages, you're fucking struggling right now. No matter what you're doing, you're fucking struggling. So I always thought it was a mistake for me not joining the service for that reason. Do you think you could have lasted and like in like all like the boot camp and the people

yelling at you? I could have lasted the boot camp. But let's be honest with you, up to the age of 27, 28, I was just living life on fumes like most other kids are. I had no responsibilities. I wouldn't claim responsibilities. And everything that would happen was the world and society was never my fucking fault. Everything was everybody else's fault. The bus came late. The train came late. You know, the restaurant, you know, everything was not my fault. So no matter what you threw at me at that age, if you threw me a million dollars, I would have fucked it up late. Do you understand me? Until you get that grasp in your heart that you're the fucking you control your world, nothing's going to move forward. So no

matter if you were to throw 10 million at me when I was 21, I would have fucking blown it and been dead anyway. Do you follow me? Because I just didn't have that main grasp. You know, I still talk to people tell me, you know, something and I look at them and I don't say nothing because it's out of line for me to say something. But if that's how they live their life, they're going to find out the same way I found that. Yeah, the hard way. You have to take responsibility. You know, not everybody's out, not society's not always fucking wrong. Some of it is yours. So at that age, you know, eventually I would have said, fuck this guy for yelling at me in the morning and I would have pushed him and would have ended up in jail. That's for me. Now it would have been

a different story, you know, it's always better than fucking hindsight. So yeah, it's fucking, it's just, I couldn't even imagine. I just especially that she used to leave her daughter, like I was thinking about you, her daughter is like two years old or something now. But like, let's say it's not the same because you're like, you're choosing it. But like, if someone was like, hey, here's a million dollars, but we want you, you're not going to go home at all. You're going to be in a bus going every day. You have a new comedy show. I know you wouldn't do that. But like, if you had to be like six months away from your daughter, I don't think it's just. Listen, you joined up. This is what comes with it. Yeah. This is again, what are you going to do? Backpedal

society is not going against you. This is what the job calls for. When you go into the ultimate fighter for those six weeks, they don't want you, no internet, no newspaper, no nothing. They don't want, you can't call home. You can't find out what your family's doing. If your kid fell down and scratched his knee, you can't call him to comfort you. That's the plan. When you sign the paperwork, that's what you sign up for. You understand me? I couldn't dream of doing it. All right, think about this. Your family came from where the Syatts came from? Russia and Lithuania. Okay. Somebody in your Syat chain had to make sacrifices for you to be here. So when it was a great, great grandpa Syat and his flying director,

Jew wife, they had to leave something behind. Yeah. You follow me? So do you understand me? And when you move forward, you always have to make a fucking sacrifice. I'm 300 pounds. I fucking diddy around here every fucking day. I diddy around here every fucking day. If I really want to lose 60 pounds, I wouldn't be talking to Joey Fulotta about chicken cuts. You understand me? So we do what the fuck we want to do. And we overlook it as far as we overlook it, you know? Yeah. And that's the fucking thing here. You have to make sacrifices. When I left Boulder in 94, let's compare it to that, you know? Let's make a pseudo comparison. I had a couple options. I could stay in Boulder, get an eight dollar, nine, ten dollar an hour job, barely make it, barely, you know, just make ends

meet. I could do comedy, but I had to control it. I had to do comedy in a controlled area because I couldn't leave it. I didn't have an ex-wife that agreed with me not to mention what was going on. That was what was going on at a personal level. Also the cocaine addiction, which I was going to have no matter where I went. And I also had the other problems I had, which I knew that eventually you keep throwing spaghetti against the wall, something bad is going to happen. Me and those people didn't have good feelings for one another. And it was just that the pot was about to blow up. When I walked away, it was one of the most painful things I ever did. It was more painful than me walking away from playing basketball. There's things you do that have pain that you know that

I'm not going to try this no more. You know, I'm not going to do this no more. I'm going to give that. If I would have had a quit stand-up, it would have been one of those sacrifices also, I think. I think it would have haunted me for the rest of my life. All those sacrifices usually do. But I had to decide. I had nothing going on in Boulder and I had a chance somewhere else to be a comedian and to try my life and to get all that bad blood and bad energy out of my life. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be, but it also gave me something to fight for. That's the other part of that. It gives you something to fight for. It gave me something. For me to walk away from Jacqueline, I had to make it somewhere else to prove to her that walking away was worth it at the

end. You know what I'm saying? And that's what my mother died from. My mother died because she left her daughter in Cuba and then all her avenues locked up. She believed in so many people. She's paid so much money to get her daughter locked, but that pain went with her every day. And she strived for a while, but eventually she succumbed to the pain. The pain, it was too much living without your daughter, knowing that in the back of your mind you left your child or your parent in another country. I can't, I live without every day. My sister's in Cuba and I'm here about to go eat whatever the fuck I want to for breakfast. My sister's probably got an egg and a piece of fucking yellow bread and some coffee that they've been using the same coffee filter with those grinds

for the last six days. Yeah, it's fucked up. My girlfriend's mom actually, she had three kids and had to leave one in Mexico. And like they're going through some stuff right now because he resents her a little bit. But I mean, she put him through med school, she lives here and he was in, so now he's a doctor in Mexico. But he doesn't really, he feels like she abandoned him. But it's just, she had to, she had to do it and now he's a doctor and very successful in Mexico. But I couldn't imagine like, like if you had to go somewhere or if you had to leave a kid and so many people do it, it's fucked up. You know man, nobody said this was gonna be easy. Nobody. Nobody said this fucking life we live was gonna be easy and there's gonna be sacrifices

at every fucking level. You know, you want to get into county where you think you have a ton of, very few people doing great in county in the beginning. You sleep on a fucking floor, man. Yeah. You know, you sleep on a floor. You know, a lot of people love to live alone. You know, I love it. I couldn't have a roommate. When you start coming, you need six fucking and you might have to share a room with a roommate and smell his feet and his fucking farts. But at least you have a dream. There's a payoff at the end when you go to bed every night and your roommate's scratching a fart. You're like, you know what, tomorrow I'm going to get up early and write jokes. I get myself out of this fucking dilemma. It makes you work harder sometimes. So

I get it. I get it. You know, when I was in Seattle, I missed Jackie fucking. The pain was unbearable for years. I didn't let go of that pain till 98. I didn't let go. And when did you, when did you leave Colorado? 95. I'm lying to you. I didn't leave, I didn't leave that pain alone until maybe like 2003 or four. It was a real bad pain. And that's why eventually I made peace with it. And I made peace with a lot of other things. And that's why I stopped getting high. The coke I was doing was to, you know, kill the pain. And one day you just come to peace with a certain subject and you don't need that drug anymore. You know, that's why rehabs, they're temporary band-aids now. I finally realized that a rehab for somebody is a band-aid anymore.

You have to sit that person down and get to the root of the fucking problem. It might take weeks or it might take years. It took me fucking 20-something years. So I'm no better than anybody else. And hopefully it takes people with addiction. I get a lot of emails that speak about pain addiction and stuff. You know, pain medication addiction. Hopefully they find out what's the, what the fuck are you eating the pain medication for? What's really bothering you? And that's what was bothering me for a long time. And no matter what I was doing with comedy or whatever, I had walked away from a child or an ex-wife or whatever. Today I'm solid. They don't want to talk to me and that's understandable. I built that fucking house. I built that house.

And I have to fucking deal with it. And that's why I got a second chance with mercy. You know, I got a second chance of being a father with mercy. So all you could do is try and move forward. And I understand every piece of that. My mom had to leave a daughter in cube and keep going back. And then once Castro came and I could see that if I think back now and hindsight, her pain, some of her pain was that. Her pain was also her mother. They love that fucking mother. Even when I talked to my uncle, he still loves his mother. He still talks about it. He gets emotional. They love their mother. Nenna. They didn't even call her mom, which I never understood. They called her Nenna. Okay. What does that mean in Spanish? It was her name. Okay. It was her fucking name.

You know, I never understood that. But that's just the way it is when you have to leave family. You know, we think it was easy for me to leave North Bergen and I didn't have blood. I didn't have fucking blood. But those people, this fallado that calls and all those people, I had to leave them. And I fucking missed them. And I missed the security blanket. And I didn't know how much I missed the security blanket until I had that problem last week at the fucking thing. But at the farmer's market, I missed that security blank. The security being able to call somebody and go, Doug, somebody just gave me a problem with this, like four of them. Can you do me a favor? You know, are you busy today? We're gonna extra fucking stick.

I'm gonna call Rago. I'm gonna call this guy. We're gonna see what the fucking real problem is. But I don't have that no more in the way I'm happy. But in the way it makes me sad. Because, you know, that's who I was at one point. But who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? You know, if you get sad, and somebody bullies you or something like that, go to honet.com. All right. Get some protein powder. Get some hemp for us. You know what's back? The one fucking, the one Oh, the on it 180 is back to turn around. That thing is back. Remember, they said that they were going to do it. The packages, I think it's even on sale for $31. You get like 22 fucking packages or 10 packages. Let me tell you something. I take those things. I have like two left because

I save for special things when I go on the road and I fly and it's late or something. And those turn arounds work. Go to honet.com. Look at the turnaround. Look at the kettle bells. Look at the ropes. Look at all the shit they have to offer for you not to get fucking bullied. Go to the box and press in church. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's what you fucking need to do. Number two. Let me tell you what happened yesterday. I got home and I didn't take my razor with me. I didn't take my razor with me. I took like a different type of razor. I had in the bag in there already because I didn't take the razor out when I got the portable razor. I didn't take it out when I got my razor from Dollar Shave Club. So I left my Dollar Shave Club at home. I had one in the shower and it was one in the

counter. Yesterday I got home and I put some of that fucking Cocoa Butter Shave thing. They give you the Shave Butter they have and I shave it's too fucking smoother than a motherfucker. Dollar Shave Club. I ain't blown smoke up your ass man. At first I didn't know but now I figured out how to use the contour and all that stuff. A dollar a month. That's $12 a year for your fucking blades. What's the football player from Green Bay? I ain't putting nobody down. No, no, no, no. The defensive back with the long hair. Oh fuck. Whatever his name is. A big dude. He's advertising a blade the other day and I looked at the blade in the pharmacy and it's a great blade and all but it's 20 something fucking dollars just for the stem and then like $12.99 for the fucking blades.

So that's $40. You're going to go through that in two fucking months. $40. I'm offering you blades for the year for 36. Right? 12 times six is what? I don't even know. 72. I'm sorry. So you get blades for fucking six months are going to cost you probably fucking a hundred bucks. I'm giving them to you for 72 fucking dollars and that's on the short end. I'm just being fucking conservative but you know what you're going to get. You know what you're going to get. You get three different programs to choose from. The dollar program which gives you four cartridges, two blade razors, the six dollar ones which gives you four three blade fucking razors with the fucking strip. So it coats your face with the aloe butter and everything's nice and smooth and then for $9

which it works out to be one oh eight a year you get the complete package. You get the strips with the fucking with the butter. Four blade and then you get you get for the first month you get the shaved butter. Come on guys. Four bucks a month you get the one white charlie's. One white charlie your asshole smells like fucking peppermint snacks. For Christmas. Yeah next time you lick your chicks next to your asshole it smells like peppermint snaps. You don't have to go to the bar and do a shadow of the holidays. Fuck the eggnogs. You'll save on calories. That's how we roll here. That's how we fucking roll here at the church of what's happening now. It's Monday 11 11. Get your shit together motherfuckers. Today's I found a dollar bill today. I'm on the way out right to

the fucking car. Today's my lucky day. I'm gonna take that dollar and I'm gonna go play a fucking lottery. I never played a lottery. I'm gonna get a pick a number and play the fucking lottery. That's today's a good day dog. It's a good day for everybody but you're not gonna know it until you live your fucking life. Till you get out you grab your balls you salute the flag and you go I'm going for it motherfucker. What? I got a fucking terrible story for you. What happened? So my girlfriend's mom went away for the week so she couldn't she couldn't stay the weekend because they have a dog. So I went on Saturday and I only see her every weekend so we always have we always have sex. So her cousin wasn't there so we tried having sex in her house. So at first I was like we can't

do in your mom's bed because she has a twin bed and her mom has like a big bed. I was like I can't do it in your mom's. I just I couldn't do it. So we tried the twin bed and it just it didn't work. It's tiny the beds from fucking Ikea so it was it was shaking back and forth it was falling it like we were worried we're gonna break it. We tried the floor a little bit. I broke down at the end I was like all right let's try the mom's and it lasted about 30 seconds because as soon as you open the door there's a virgin Mary above the bed. There's a virgin Mary across the room. I told you. And then right at the window there's like a wooden cross with beads. No matter where you look you're surrounded by Jews you know what I'm saying. It's about five feet long and like

the bed's balancing the dog's looking at us. There's a virgin Mary above my bed and then there's baby pictures of my girlfriend right there. I told you it's like a fucking you can't win you can't win in your mom's bed. The crucifix the fucking Jesus. I had never done that before. The baby I told you. I told you a long time ago it's a nightmare. Oh my god. It did get softened and shit. As soon as you try to fuck with Jesus in the room it's not gonna work out for you so don't even do it. If Jesus is hanging out you can't fucking get it hard. I don't know what Jesus is a cock blocker. Jesus baby pictures an animal. There was like four virgin Mary's and like what do you why are there four? And God forbid you want to fuck with one with an animal

in the house because they always want to show up and watch like a fucking boy yeah. Is that what you call those things boy? Yeah yeah do your cats do that to you? Yeah I gotta throw them out once in a while and shit. Don't lay right next door to you and watch like they'll just lay and look and you're like what the fuck? Oh my god but it was like the worst experience. It was terrible. Oh it's fucking horrible. It's you cannot fuck with Jesus. It's it's it just makes you feel guilty and you're Jewish. How the fuck do you think it feels for a fucking Catholic? And they got figurines and as soon as you walked in my house as a kid dog you were spooked. I had a seven foot Saint Lazarus on the living room. Jesus. Are you gonna take your pants off? There's a seven foot fucking

figurine in the living room. I don't think so. Oh my god and she has she has the ashes to her old dog in the room the mom does. Oh yeah yeah it's a little alter. Oh yeah it's a horror show. It's like stand up's mother when the cat died. Candles. Oh it was the worst and we we try we just gave up we're like all right let's just go to Denny's. Next week yeah let's just go to Denny's and call this evening get a fucking Sunday and that's as good as it's gonna get. No you can't be fucking on those things though. So that's it that's all I got for you today. That's all you got. What do you got for Uncle Joey this week? And this week it's my last week of work but no I'm I have a bunch of I'm recording I have three set up already for my new podcast Find Your Radiant.

What are you recording? I'm recording in the next couple weeks I have my dad coming I have two TV editors I'm gonna have on. Oh. I have a producer of a guy a guy I worked with who did a Jay Morse podcast for a little bit. I have him coming on and I have a I have a bunch of other people I have I have coming on so look for that look in January. You're bad motherfucker you look that's what I love you Lee you're always fucking thinking. Don't want to work for anything. Now what's the name of this new series on Hulu Plus? They got something new to your day that I read on when I was flying to Raleigh there's a new series that's coming on on Hulu Plus. I didn't know they were doing all these new series. Yeah they have the awesome. They're a network awesome I know they

have The Kid from Saturday Night Live. Yeah. But on top of like TV shows and all the the current stuff and you can watch the whole season I didn't know they had new stuff which makes the deal that you get for $7.99 even better because you're watching shit that nobody else is fucking watching. So think about it that way Hulu Plus is on fire with this deal. Everybody I talk to that gets Hulu Plus thanks me and says Joey for fucking free for two weeks not a bad deal. Now for $7.99 a month after that again I'm trying to get your budget on a fixed income not everybody's doing good but if you know you're gonna spend I know that the cable systems and shit cost hundreds of fucking months we're not talking about none and you can watch stuff on everything your phone your pad

your fucking shoe I don't give a fuck what you got you can watch your computer go to Hulu Plus press in the box Joey Joey J-O-E-Y get two weeks for free and after that you get $7.98 a month you've seen the commercial I'm gonna take care of you a little fucking better you got two weeks for fucking free that's how we roll here the church of what's happening now yeah they have three new original series three new five new I read about the one of people like really fucking like it so I'm gonna ask my wife to tape them for me or whatever you don't you don't just go on yeah I'm gonna go right there so they have the awesomes which is what we said the guy with Seth Meyers from Saturday Night Live no this was a new they have the wrong man a comedic thriller

with James Corden that's the one yeah and then they have they also have behind the mask which explores the secret world of sports mascots so fucking yeah they have three new ones that they do just by themselves they're like fuck it we don't need NBC now what are you gonna use through the background because you can't take the Israeli flag I'm not gonna do video you're not gonna do video I like I want to I want to go up in my my cousins up at Travis up in Northern California I want to interview him what does he do he uh he actually he was a he was an airplane mechanic for like five or six years but he just retrained and he's he's the guy now that refuels the plane in midair he just retrained for that that's fucking interesting shit yeah but under a

fucking plan and bubble yeah fucking he's a guy just a stick he's his uh his mom my aunt uh married or I think I think he's Mexican or his last name is Santos so it's not it's not the Jewish blood that doesn't do that but no I'm excited what are you gonna do at least you're doing different things Lee I'm happy you're out there you're in love see people are learning from you you're inspiring people oh yeah I'm gonna have her too I'm gonna have the mom on because she it's a very interesting story she would go back and forth like in people's trunks to cross the the Mexican border so I'm interested to see I have to have the girl on as the translator because she doesn't speak English so I don't know how that's gonna go I'm interested to see if that'll work it'll work

but it'll make it work man yeah it's pretty interesting what we think about immigration and how we're judgmental towards immigration we're very judgmental and I didn't even know that till this last week you know uh especially living here in Hollywood when you call most of these agencies or head cutting places they always have a foreigner answering the phone primarily an Englishman first and I have nothing against English or any but I'm just making this as a fact and number two Australian and after Thor if they get the Australian to do it they love it even more that's the saps that we are and it's probably the same in Australia they want to hear an American uh it's probably the same in England they you know it's probably

but it's amazing how you know I know people who are from England here they're great people I have one friend in particular James and uh he's not illegal but he's just here temporarily on a visa nobody says none but Mexicans gotta sneak in here and they get tortured and they clean your houses and they do all this shit and it's amazing how we're judgmental to the different races I do the same sometimes so I'm guilty of it too but it's just amazing how it's okay in Beverly Hills to have an English person answering the phone an agency but they look down on some Mexican because he jumps a fan thing he's trying to get over here to work yeah there's two sides to it because it's two sides to it so it's very one guy I worked with his wife as a doctor and apparently

since they don't have healthcare like that it really holds up the the hospital she works at and it's the the taxpayers have to fit for the bill and they're not really paying taxes a lot of time so that I see that side of it but then when I go and I go to Englewood every weekend now I'm the only white guy in the area and it's just I go to the grocery store and you see the families and her mom worked in restaurants and sweatshops for 30 years and they're they're not hurting anybody they pay taxes there's there's a side of it where yeah the illegal immigration is hurting America it definitely like they definitely not paying taxes and some things are hurting but there's also people here who are just trying to eat out a living and survive oh listen it's what you're

sold when you're in another country this is the land of opportunity so think of you had a unless you're a fucking retarded or you're fucking moron wouldn't you want to be with this opportunity wouldn't you want to be where you could be the best that you could fucking be so it's kind of weird how it's just because I do the same thing I'm not I'm guilty but also sometimes I make different fucking comments about this and that you know you go to a doctor and they have a you know you go to the hospital and they have a lot of Hindu doctors and you go downstairs and they're all Filipinos you know and you have to wonder what happened to the fucking white people you know they're the first ones to complain about jobs and health care so you know I don't know how

to look at it I don't know how to look at it and most of these people complain that people maybe I don't have you know aren't you know doctors or lawyers I don't fucking know you know but it's amazing how we're judgmental and I got to stop doing it too I mean it's too late a fucking 50 I wish somebody told me when I was 20 would have made my life a lot easier not being so judgmental but what the fuck Lee you know I'm saying we don't know we're on a journey and you live every day the goal is fucking journey is to be a better fucking person every day yeah that's all you could do how's Mercy doing with the Spanish any because I was thinking I was just thinking because I don't know it and I have to know what to be able to talk to the mom and she's gonna know it right from the

beginning Mercy's probably gonna do what I do she's gonna know it but she's not gonna talk it it's there's a primary language in the language I'm gonna have to talk to one and she's not gonna want to uh she's not gonna want to speak it because it might embarrass her or something the same way I was like even like second or third generation that she is now would embarrass yeah because the main language you're hearing is English and the mom don't speak it yeah so the mom isn't like the mom speaking it I want to teach her to her so her mind's analytical and it's not if I was Chinese I would teach my child Chinese if I was Polish I would teach them Polish just because that second language would help them learn more and absorb more this is the age when they're a fucking sponge

where you throw everything at them you know my wife said yesterday went to church and at church to think there was music and Mercy was mouthing the words like little like really interesting so there's something there you know she's not a fucking goofball there's something there yeah and I'm very proud of that so I have to work with it you know I have to teach I would teach you Spanish no I wish I wish I was better languages if you're gonna rest on with me look around you see who's got always got bread and butter on that table and whose glasses are always served the water to the top and who's got a lemon in their fucking water me because that's the first person I talked to I talked to the bus boy when I come in I say what's happening bleemore after the first time

instead of not looking down at somebody I talked to them they think that's the greatest thing in the world it's something they just acknowledge them and says hello so the whole time I'm there I'm fucking family Jack whether I go to Ruth Chris or I go to fucking McDonald's you know what I'm saying there's always a primo somewhere in the back of that fucking kitchen my favorite one is after shows and you would always say you want to get me up you want to get me up and we'd walk in at midnight it's quiet there's like two people and as soon as you open the door what's a primo he's in the back gotta get these motherfuckers going jack that's what we do listen you're not gonna go in there and bring somebody fucking you gotta make people's day yeah if you fucking make somebody's day sometimes

you could be having the shittiest fucking day the shittiest fucking day and some kid will come up to you and go hey mister do you want to buy a chocolate bar and you ready to look at that kid and tell him listen take that chocolate bar and shove it up your teacher's ass or your mother's ass or whatever and you look at that kid and you look what it's about you look at what that's about right there you're giving some kid confidence you know you're helping some kid out you may I may be the only fucking mutt to give this kid two dollars at the end of the week we blow two dollars and the dumbest fucking shit every day you get the kid two dollars he looks at you that kid has a fucking great day yeah he just went to school and sold the bar or candy you know it's

like going it's like waking up and somebody's sucking your dick for a 12 year old nobody's gonna suck his dick but somebody bought a piece of chocolate you know what and the way home you're gonna bite that chocolate go man this chocolate sucks you know throw away you know and you're gonna go but you know what I gave him two dollars and you're gonna watch him walk you're gonna watch how he walks after he walks away from you oh yeah and right there alone you're gonna go fucking I'm having a shitty day I got a flat my wife sucks some fucking Iranians dick but I just made somebody's fucking day I had to do that I was in Boy Scouts and I had to do we did Christmas tree sales and fucking I'm a Jew selling Christmas trees it was snowing outside and we're all

huddled around there's like little wood stove that they had and like we had to get up there and tie the trees on top of the car but like we also sold them so we'd walk around and show them different trees and it was so fucking out of place I never had a Christmas I didn't know any Christmas trees I just said yeah this one's a great one I would put it out I was like 12 years old throwing a tree on top of a truck I love selling things you do oh yeah why don't you go back to sales now it's so sunny so what oh no I'm not good like like a car car sales no what you know best you know sports you know fucking all this computer shit why don't you go to one of these places and get to where you're pretty intelligent talk to people there's something different it's

not editing give editing a break for six months maybe you'll like it at the end of six months again maybe the lonely and it's kind of I haven't gotten it yet so I can't really talk about it but my job's ending on Friday so I get unemployment and off talking to people that I've talked to I should get around 450 a week so stay unemployed for a couple that's what I'm that's what it kind of fucked up like it doesn't really motivate you to go get another job it's the fucking holidays it's November 15 yeah who's going to give you a fucking job in your field anyway no one is put so take until January yeah and just sit how you pay for that it's not like it's free government money you pay into you know for years I acted he had booked a commercial and then walk around broke

for weeks and then how are you should fear a Jew talked me into he goes bro after every job you couldn't put and I didn't know one day he got me to form and I collect and I've been happier ever since and they were even if it was 200 a week it's money I pay into yeah you get a check here let's say you get a check for a hundred dollars take 30 bucks out you take 30 bucks out there 10 goes to the government 10 goes to FICA and all that other shit what the fuck you can get a 10 goes to into your fucking benefits or security and you pay into this insurance so if you don't have a job so it's not like free how money like you're just robbing from the government you're not robbing shit you've worked your fucking ass off you work saturdays tundish you work night you're 25 you know

most people 25 are doing they're out there doing ecstasy jumping up and down like momo's getting chlamydia yeah not you you're suffering you're putting away nights because you want a better life later on so don't be ashamed take time that's good to know now we can make a fucking way I don't have to sit here all paranoid that you're over here starving cock sucker you know what I'm saying no no no we're good all right you're fucking crying you live like a fucking doctorly like most of the fucking people and we just not satisfied with what we have sometimes you don't know and I'm fucking guilty of it too some mornings I wake up mad at something that I'm not fucking mad at what do I give a fuck what's going on here that's why I think sometimes I like the

news but I don't like the news because it puts shit in your mind that you don't need to fucking worry about we should worry about ourselves not some fucking dolphin that's stuck on the net off the coast to Hawaii there's nothing I could do what do you want me to do I'm really sorry for the people from the Philippines I know Ralph he was in Guam headed to Hawaii so I hope he I don't think there's a fucking tornado I could pick that motherfucker but you know I don't give a fuck with tornado you know Hercules Ralph he's fucking you just stand there huh he just stand there like a soldier fucking with his dick out pissing into the wind you don't give up but he's down there with his family so I was worried at first but I found out he's okay he's headed to

Hawaii for a couple days to relax and luau and eat bananas and pineapples and shit so it's okay but my heart goes out to the people from the Philippines we are people who listen there so yeah I'm like yeah yeah yeah and we got them with San Juan and and my wife's and my daughter's got parents and oh yeah yeah San San Jose I love I love Filipinos man they're good fucking people that's a tragedy strongest storm on record on this planet that means people buckle up you know I'm saying and one thing I do want to talk about before we get off that's very important it's not in the comical side it's it's you know we don't want to listen to people when they talk to us and and maybe your parents or people around you tell you this shit there's your uncle Joe because this is the first thing

my mother fucking told me when I came nice to hit the streets or that you ready for this do me a favor keep your eyes open from now on I went to the airport this week and I looked around and if I'm lying to you people at the fucking counter I started crying because I know not crying like pouring tears but like a tear came out of my eye and I got emotional like I always get because I know this isn't the first time somebody's gonna get shot on the airport yeah from now on do me a favor you know what I'm the first guy I get high sometimes in the daytime but you bet your fucking ass I pay attention the other day I saw something really bad I pulled up by my house there was no parking and I pulled up and some Mexicans were working like cutting a yard there yeah and they

didn't see me and my wife got out it was taking the baby on the one guy stood behind my wife like 10 feet away was just looking at her ass you know and I was and I told my wife I did you see them there and she goes no and I go that's because you didn't look I want you when you get out of the car especially when you were your baby to know where your fucking surroundings are if there's a guy in the corner he's 18 feet away at least you can measure your time to hit him with the fucking carriage on the head there's always and I tell you guys this like I tell anybody keep your eyes openly keep your fucking eyes open forget your fucking phone and your fucking tweets and your fucking text I want you to keep your eyes open I was looking around this L this airport I was in

L I was in terminal four this weekend I fly Virgin so I have to go to terminal three but last weekend I was in terminal four and I could see it I could see it happening and it's a fucking shame that you know a TSA agent or anybody lost their life or anybody got a fucking shot over this thing and I don't want none of you motherfuckers to be a casualty no matter where you are Australia keep your fucking eyes open if you hang out with those dummy friends I think they always got to talk don't hang with them because I want you paying attention I want you looking at that fucking guy with his hands in his pocket I want you looking at that broad with her purse I want you looking at that guy that's looking around acting funny with a bag and I don't want you to

jump on him I'll be a superhero that's not what I'm telling you I just want you to keep your eye on him and hit that motherfucker you run like your ass holes on fire if it goes down if you got a piece take that motherfucker out and unload that motherfucker if he does something funny but I just do me a favor keep your eyes open because I'm going to I'm fucking going to because I said a couple weeks ago on that night there was a shooting at the mall it wasn't really the type of shooting we were talking about it was a bullshit media thing just to promote fucking shootings but still the mall is next then there's gonna be a fucking other school then it's gonna be a fucking park then there's gonna be some fucking carnival okay and and you know what when I go to places now I'm like

Tupac I'm waiting to get shot I've said it before that this is what we're gonna feel like from that one this is gonna become a phobia and scary right after the the movie theater thing happened I went on some movie alone right before work and this guy came in and like it was an empty movie theater sat like four or five seats away from me and he he just left his backpack and he left I was like the first thing I thought about was fuck there's a bomb in there there's something in there like I really paranoid I almost called somebody and he came back two seconds later with popcorn and soda so the thank god didn't call anybody but just like like you have to you have to be careful too because like I almost got fucking paranoid keep your fucking eyes open it's not right

just police just uh where were any where any comedians you know in the terminal that day that must have been not on the way out on the way back no I left on Thursday on the way back I saw Josh no no no the day the shooting happened at LAX you know I haven't heard nothing I haven't heard from any comedians saying if there's nothing been on Facebook and nothing posted but I'm not worried about comedians as much as anybody oh you'll be fucking anybody guys and as you can see it happens fucking everywhere now it happens everywhere and that's what it's supposed to do it's supposed to fucking scare the shit out of us you know so please just out of respect for the church out of respect for yourself you're all bunch of fucking soldiers please keep

your eyes open all right have a great day stay black and make this the best fucking week of your life you bad motherfucking slingsons dick oh shit oh shit oh shit now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus lets you binge on thousands if it shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner and don't forget to sign up for your free or for uh dollarshaveclub.com you get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click

on the dollar shave club banner stay black me Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm working from seven to eleven here tonight. Really makes life a drag. I don't think that's right. I've really been the best, the best of fools. I've been what I'm good at.