Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/12/2012 - The Church of What's Happening Now #28

Episode Date: November 13, 2012

It's Monday bitches! Get it together. Joey and Lee talk about cleanliness, and the movie, "The Thief." Comedian Josh Wolf calls in for one of the most entertaining calls we've had so far. Its no wonder Joey wont go back to Seattle.Streamed live on 11/12/2012

My family is Oh shit Monday morning, what is the 12th of fucking November where a week or two away from Thanksgiving? That's it right? That's it? That's it? And you hear Monday morning with the church of what's happening now, Joey Coco Diaz play that Lisa, yeah fucks up, it's Cisco kids, I got my man the flying Jew, what?

Crank that shit Lee, it's Monday, kick the jams out, what? Oh shit, you like the Cisco kid Lee slaying dick and farts to the face? It's Monday, November 12th is how we do it here at the cat litter fucking studios, you know what I'm saying, Lee Syat the flying Jew looking good, he got some sleep last night, it's fucking Monday, he's all happy in New England one but they didn't cover as usual those dirty cocksuckers. Oh they never covered against probably? They fucking never covered fucking period, they just went super bowls and shit.

That's what I mean. San Francisco Ty Lee told me, fucking Ty in the NFL, Lee was on the couch jumping and screaming, eating fucking Mimi sandwiches, I have no fucking idea, because they have a Mimi's down by the thing where I always meet Duncan and Glenn they got nice steak and eggs, it's so nice it's not even on the fucking menu, extra steak, you put the white bread under it, you slice it into pieces, you get the fucking two eggs, nice sunny side up like a doctor Lee, nothing but fucking protein for my man Lee, then they wonder why I can't lose a fucking pageant, you know it's been roughly, I gotta go back to Weight Watches

tonight problem, I'm gonna go six o'clock class tonight I think, because this morning it's a 12, I can't make the 12. I don't know the new point system, you know Weight Watches, they changed it again? No, well they had one for years and they revamped it, it's called the whatever it is points plus shit and I'll tell you it's confusing as fuck, you know I never counted the fruit because that's how I roll, I always eat the fruit in the middle, no it's good, let's say you're gonna eat dinner, you eat two fucking bananas before you go to dinner, how much of dinner are you gonna eat, so at first you wanna cheat a little bit, that's how you

cheat with fucking fruit, you know, but this new system, the new points, I don't fucking understand it with the amounts and this and that, the actual points I get to give you 50 fucking points, when I started they gave me 41 points, now they doubled the points or something, you can have 60 but cut it down to 50, I just don't understand, all I know is I'm fucking stuck at a certain weight, I think I'm gonna change my work out around too a little bit, that's it, I'm gonna stop fucking around with weights and maybe run around the park or something, or take the YMCA off as these group exercise classes, you know, like kick and burn and shit like that, when all those chicks are skinny and you're

going there, they do one that's like half cycling and half something else and you're going there a couple nights a week, there was a kickboxing place down in the school, American kickboxing, to have a 10 o'clock class in the morning, that's fucking tremendous and I also called a buddy of mine, he owns a jujitsu school, I was just thinking about him, yeah they're not any bravo, I forget me, I met him in New Mexico and he does a seven in the morning fucking jujitsu class, that's someone I was gonna fucking send you over there, I'm gonna come over here five to seven, pick you up and take you over there by seven, put a jujitsu gear on you for the seven o'clock in the morning, see I hate working out at

night like I was telling Eddie Bravo yesterday for some reason when I play six o'clock, I can't fucking comprehend, my ADD is gone, I don't even know if I have ADD, whatever the fuck I have being stoned, like if I go to like a karate class at six, I can't really understand what he's saying, I can't, I gotta think about the fucking moves too much, if I go in the morning, I work out, I like to work out early, you know, I really do, like right now, right from here I can go work out and you keep your metabolism up, like I was taking a just fucking, I was hitting the vape of 55 times and taking a walk after you leave just to, cause in the morning if you do that, when I first moved to North Hollywood I used

to take a walk, I used to walk my wife to the train and then I fucking walked down a wankership, and then I walk fucking back and I tell you what, it's a nice brisk fucking walk for you then I hurt my knee, after I fucking hurt my knee it was tough to walk, but my knee still fucking hurts Lee, that surgery didn't do dick. You don't think so? It did dick for a while and then I bent over one day, I was doing something like a cat cow pose, a yoga, and my fucking knee started fucking up, I'm doing a fucking cat cow pose, you're on all fours and you just move your back and your breathe and you're really stretching,

you're stretching out your lower back, it's a really fucking great exercise, you're going there, you're a little tight, usually I like to like do my aerobic exercise, like I take the bag and I ride the bike and I do the dolce treadmill, then the next day I come in and do a weight thing, and I ride the bike for 20 minutes warmer than I lift weights for about an hour, then the next thing I do the next day I always mix it up with a yoga so I can stretch the muscle in a different fucking direction. I can't imagine you doing yoga, yeah but it's a yoga fusion, which is a lot of downward dogs, a lot of leg work, so I really like her name is Michelle, I usually go today and

I usually go, if I'm in town Thursday, I'm in town this Thursday, so I go see this chick Madison who's fucking amazing, she's a really good yoga teacher, she's really fucking hot, she does Thursdays between 8.30, she does a six o'clock class but it's a power yoga, I can't fucking do power yoga, you're doing 10 million fucking downward dogs and you know yama stays, you're fucking up, you're bending, you're up, you're bending, you're up, you're bending, you know the power yoga I'm wisdom out of there ain't no joke, but on Thursday I got this chick called Tanya and she's German, I call her Jo the German because she speaks with a German accent, you know she does the whole fucking thing, bend over and you're

like oh I'm a Nazi fucking German, this is all I need, I should have brought Louis, Lee to smack these motherfuckers and fly around like a flying fucking Jew, it's Monday, Lee Cocksucker, let me tell you something, I don't know what you're thinking, what you stay to mind is today's your day motherfucker, go out there and whatever you want to do, do it, you know if you're looking to quit smoking so what, you fucking smoked yesterday, today you got another fucking chance, you can't stop sucking dicks or smelling assholes, today's another fucking chance, whatever you want to do go out there and do it, it's Monday, bro just focus and turn this into your playing field, you know somebody asked me last night

why I don't take texts, and they were like why is the real reason you don't take text messages and I said I'll tell you why, because I want everybody, I need to control one thing of my playing field, your life is your playing field, so if you fall for every fucking thing you fall for, you're playing field, you'll never be playing at home, you're always playing away, do you know what I'm saying, explain that, explain it, like if every fucking month, every two months I got to change my life for people, like one month it's my space, right for a long time it was my space Fizzledore, then it was fucking Facebook, and then I thought I was Twitter, so now what's going to come next, so if I fucking, at 50 if I say you

know what, after Twitter I'm not going nowhere, people keep hitting me up saying hey how come you're not on my life cocksucker, you know how come you're not on Strung Out Hoes, you know you're still on Twitter, you're so old school, if you don't control your life at some point you'll always be playing away, you'll always be playing away on a way field, you follow me, if you control a little bit of your fucking life every fucking day, you control your playing field, if you tell motherfuckers call me instead of texting me and they text and they miss the fucking boat and you stick to it, when you make a decision on something you stick to the guns and you control your fucking playing field, you know what I'm

saying, that's just how it works out sometimes, whether it's athletics, whether it's working out, whether it's setting personal goals, whether it's stopping to do drugs, like when I stop doing fucking drugs, when I stop doing coke, there's some people that stop doing coke but still go out and fight it every night, just drop that whole thing from your fucking life, that whole life style, why torture yourself or put yourself, you have to control your playing field in your fucking life, you get a couple of advantages and if you don't control it then you know, I do the same shit every week, as boring as it may seem to some people because I know that's where it took me, it took me to a certain place, like I answer

people's emails on Sundays, I watch Dexter for a little while and I get up and I answer emails and then I go back and watch a little bit of 60 fucking minutes but I do that every week no matter what happens at 5.30 to 6.30, that's just how boring and much of a loser I am but continuity controls everything, you know, you have to stick it out for the miracle to happen, a lot of people don't stick around and wait for the miracle to happen, you know you might work out for two weeks and not lose a fucking ounce and you might give up but maybe your body, your metabolism was slow and you didn't get a jump on it, don't quit until the fucking miracle happens man, I got into this shit, I was a criminal when I got

to comedy and I just kept doing more comedy and more comedy and more comedy, don't get me wrong, I still feel like fucking shooting people from time to time and stealing something or saying to myself why the fuck am I doing this, I should be selling blow but I kept with it, you know I kept with it, I get up in the mornings and I twit, I twit for a couple of reasons, I twit because I know if I say to myself it's going to be a beautiful fucking day to be alive, if I keep saying it over and over it's going to be a beautiful day to be alive, you can't fucking lose, you can't fucking lose Lee, you know what I'm saying especially when you, because you probably get a lot of positive feedback back from people

weeding it, so whenever I get positive stuff back that makes me feel good. Oh you're putting it around, you're putting it out there, if I get up every morning and go fuck I got to go to work, my work day is going to be hard, if I get up in the morning and go fuck today is going to be a good fucking day, regardless if I got to take a bus I got to walk three blocks, I'm still fucking alive, which is what this whole thing is about, to be fucking alive, right everyone, what are you fucking upset about Lee Lee Lee and cocksucker, I want to be around Lee, it's Monday a little something for my mom to pick up the fucking pieces like your uncle Joey, like you think you're all alone today, I'm with you cocksuckers,

I'm with you, I'm right there getting my fucking ass kicked too, every fucking day I got to do something, you guys think because I got a commercial running that I'm a fucking big shot, fuck no I got to start from scratch again tomorrow, hit it Lee, you bad motherfucker Lee, look at you. I wanted to play at the beginning but yeah, switched it out on me, we got to switch them up and keep the fucking, you know, I want, do it Lee, yeah baby, this is nice to me, it's a no drum, see how nice, pick up your little girl from the dance, who's the one to play before they fart in your face Lee, I'm going to put like a little ambulance,

a little matches behind you, I thought you were going to play some of that stuff from yesterday, some of that Santana, we haven't decided yet, I talked to the chick last night and she's got plans for you, hit it Lee, you having a good time, you smoked some dope this morning Lee, yeah I smoked a little bit and I smoked last night, did you, yeah I have to, it's the mixture of no soda and weed, it puts me to sleep, because I don't mind taking sleeping pills, I don't take no sleeping pills, they're going to fuck me, what do you take, just over the counter, you wake up really hung over in the morning, a little bit, that's what I was going to say, no soda and weed, just a little bit, like I'm not like you,

I'm not going to get stoned and start puking green, but the little bit that I smoked, a little bit out of a one hitter, it does magic, you know people, everybody's on these fucking pills and beyond and this and this, get the fuck off that shit, get the fuck off that shit, are you crazy people, are you fucking crazy, you know what, I don't drink and I don't smoke pot, I've never drunk a drug in my life, but you're taking fucking Ambien and you wait, you forget about shit in the morning, you don't know what the hell's going on, bro look at me, I love drugs and I hate sleeping pills, I don't know what it was, you said you used to take like six of them and like it wouldn't do anything to you, no for sleep

apnea, when I had the first sleep, when I got, when I first had sleep apnea, I didn't know what the fuck was going on with my body, I didn't, all I know is I'm going to bed at one and at 1.45 I'm walking around confused, and then I would fall asleep at four and get up, I used to have to sit in a fucking tub, leave for, for an hour with hot water on, and I would just sit, no I would sit and that would help me go to sleep, my apartment in Hollywood, when I lived with Terry there, we lived there for 10 years because it was ranked control, there's one bedroom, the fucking, we had so much furniture and shit in that house, we couldn't even move with the cats, but one thing they had was the reason why

we didn't leave there was we had free parking, we had a garage, we had to just go around the back, and we had endless amounts of hot water, you don't know how many times I've been at somebody's house who they paid $8 million for and two people take a shower and then the other guys got to sit there like a momo for 30 minutes until the tank fills up again, really? What is this, 19 fucking 10, so you paid all this shit for this nice house but two people take a shower and the hot water's fucking gone, this apartment building, I could put the hot water on that one and that six, it'd still be steaming in the bathroom, the paint

would come in the wall, you don't know how many times I got a pillow, put a plastic baggy around it, got in the fucking bed, got in the tub, put a pillow back there and turned the hot water on, just lay there fucking, I asked my wife, on Sunday nights I would take a three, four hour shower, I would scrub my fucking toes, in between my toes, scratch the fucking bad shit out from my nutsack, you got a pillow and put a plastic bag around that's my fucking wife, first thing I do when I check into a hotel on the road, when I fly is take my fucking clothes off, I get high and I sit in that fucking hotel tub for a shower, I bang one out, I fucking come on my thighs like a savage and then I just

sit there in the heat and the steam and I'll sit there for two hours in the tub, nothing makes me more creative, nothing breaks down my day more than when I'm in a fucking tub sitting there with hot water hitting me in the face and I'm naked on my back, I think there's so many fucking jokes, do you like hot tubs too, no, no, I can't stand swimming around in sperm and fucking shit, fuck that shit, I'm talking about your own hot water when you sit there and just turn it on, I sit against the wall and I just think, that's that would, I wouldn't have guessed you did that in a million years, that's like, it's my life, that's like the movies when the girls going with like some candles out and

they like, no, no, no, no candles, there ain't no women in there, there ain't nobody, it's just Joey like fucking a monkey on a fucking rocket ship headed to the moon, do you bring it like your iPod or something, no, how do you bring your iPod, you're in under water, put it down, oh you go underneath, I thought you could sit on the tub like a doctor and let the water hit me, I closed the door, I put the temperature to fucking zero, so there's steam everywhere, you can't even see me and I sitting there like a grape till I fucking shrink up like a fucking raisin league, oh my god, you didn't know that, that's my favorite everything in the world, people's taking showers, I can't imagine not taking a fucking

shower, when I see this catastrophe in New York, all I'm thinking about when I'm looking at these people is that they're not taking showers, that would fucking kill me, I do not like, why don't go camping, you gotta sit there for three days with spermy fucking nuts and dirty feet with your kids jumping up and down with bad breath, we could take a shower in the lake, what are you, what the fuck are you, what are you, a fucking cave man or some shit, I used to go camping but there better be like a little fag shower was there, so every day go over and take a shower but that should have been dirty, I've never understood that, I like, on the average here I take three a day, yes I do, I take one

before you come, right before I go to yoga, today I'll take a shower before I go to yoga before, yeah I'm one of those guys, I want people to be fucking respectful of me so I'm respectful of, you know other people go to jujitsu and they say people show up after nine hours of work with that rotten fucking ass and your feet stinking and your sweating and your breath and your fucking head and your smoking dope all day, if I'm gonna have contact with you I'm gonna take a fucking shower guy, that's the most respect I could do for you as a human fucking being, when I go to coffee being the morning I see a chicken at nine in the morning and she's got that rat's nest in her head, and no not even the

pajamas on, she's dressed okay but you can see she brushed her hair instead of washing off, what does her ass smell like, what's her pussy smell like, it's been sitting there in an underwear all night fucking gaining heat and strength and heat and now you're gonna go to work without washing that fucking monkey and that fucking ass, well to eat that monkey in the morning, yeah but I don't want you to leave the house like that because by three o'clock your pussy and your ass gonna smell like a fucking sewer, I mean this is just when you see a woman in the morning and she's all dialed up and she's got that little rat's nest in the back of her fucking head, you gotta think to yourself, she didn't wash

her ass before she left the fucking house, well if she took a shower at six o'clock she took enormous shit at seven o'clock, what's her ass, you know at night your ass sweats and you get all that slush and motion air and shit like that, what do you do, you're not gonna wash your fucking ass before you go to work, now man we could be a little fucking filthy, women get off by the smell of that musk coming out of your fucking nut sack and that smell, you know but I'm not saying now take a shower for fucking three days, oh no you have to take a shower every day, I take a shower every day, I take a shower every day, when you wake up in the morning you wash your fucking pussy, when

you get home from work, don't even talk to me, go in the fucking shower with the guy, what are you talking to me for, you been out there having contact with people, you got all these fucking immigrants coming from all over bringing their shit, you're touching their fucking hands, they're washing you, tapping you in the back, good job how you're doing people touching, you wash your fucking ass, when I get off the stage, first thing I do is take a shower when I come home, just from being up at the fucking stage, people are breathing at you, you got 300 people laughing breathing at you, that shit's coming to you, you know the spectacles that stick onto you, look at my face, I ain't got enough

fucking problems, I got holes, I'm fucking ugly and I want germs on me, nah dog, cleanliness is next to godliness, let's get this shit out of the fucking way, you wash your pussy in the morning, you wash your pussy when you get back and then at night before you bring the germs onto your filthy fucking couch, you wash your pussy again, you wash your feet, you brush your fucking teeth, I only got a few teeth left, that fucking green tint from the THC, but my mouth is fucking clean, you know what I'm saying, we all get bad breath like Listerine, you got to try to fucking wash yourself, got it. So what did you do in prison?

I took three showers a fucking day, I think you only go like one every couple of days, you get how many showers you want, when you first get to the DOC and all that shit, you take a couple of showers, they give you a shower every three days, that was only for a week, but then they would say that if you want to take a shower you sign up for an additional shower, I'll fucking go down there, I'll fucking go down there, and then once I got to my destination the showers is in your area, so I would take a shower in the morning when I got up and then in the afternoon, bro you're killing time, when you're killing time you'll take 19 fucking showers, when you're waiting to go to court and you can't sleep at night, I used to get

up and take a shower in prison, everybody else is sleeping, you go in the shower just keep your eye open, you gotta keep watching the fucking door, you don't know if the invisible man is a cocksucker and he wants to come and put a fucking coolie in your cool-o, you never know bro, but you gotta, I don't believe in being dirty at no level, that's why it was very hard for me at first to establish the deadheads, I love Grateful Dead, and I go to the fucking concert, it smelled like a carnival of fucking armpit nests, you know, you don't know what it is to live in bold, I used to go to karate and there was this girl that looked like a young Mariah Carey, beautiful, I used to go to Taekwondo in Boulder and I

remember they used to do these moves, Ilsu Sheik's Day Runs, it was one step sparring, and one of the moves I had to like put my arm under her, and I remember like taking the arm back and trying to get into fighting position, and I smelled something horrific, it was just fucking horrific, it smelled like an onion and fucking sweat, and it was her armpit, and after a couple days I asked my karate teacher who was a cool mother fuck, I said can I talk to you in person, you gotta tell these stinky fucks to take a shot, and he's like oh don't get me started, he goes they're against something so they don't wear armpit the other way, they don't want the aluminum, it's gonna destroy the fucking system, listen,

I don't give a fuck if whatever you're spraying is gonna burn the moon out in the sun, I don't give a fuck, don't be stinking next to me, that's all I ask you, don't come to me with that fucking granola shit, that you know what, you ever smelled one of those vegetarians dogs in Los Feliz, they're fucking kicking, they're fucking kicking, okay, you wanna be a vegetarian that's fine, I know you're trying to be healthy, but save your fucking nasty body kicks to yourself, put the odor on, and wash that fucking rotten carrot from your neck, what about the girls with dreadlocks, like the white girls with dreadlocks, oh they're gross, oh, and when you see a girl with a dreadlock you might as well grab and stab her

and end it up, when I see a white guy with a fucking dreadlock I wanna stab him in the fucking neck because what's the purpose, you're stinking up the place to prove what, so you're stinking up my fucking couch to prove that you're who, that you're what, that you're exodus' fucking cousin or something like that, go take a shower you filthy motherfucker, all that shit I can't stand, I never understood that, I don't care what your fucking movement is, you gotta go wash your fucking ass at least twice a day, I don't care what your fucking movement is, I got movements too, but you gotta jump in that fucking shower, you gotta wear deodorant, you can't, you know, be offensive to fucking people like that, like stinking

like that, I have nothing against whatever these people are, the new brand of people coming in from Persia or whatever, but some of these motherfuckers forget to put deodorant on, you ever got to catch one of these Arabs when they got no fucking deodorant on, it stinks fucking bad, and I like you guys, I'm not disrespecting nobody, when you walk them with that fucking robe and no deodorant on, and it smells like a fucking armpit and you got those sandals on, your toes are dry, I can't stand that shit, when I see your fucking feet are all dry and shit, and to boot you stinking, God knows when was the last time you wash your ass, it's like a fucking lottery ticket, it's like a Jeopardy question, you

know, when was the last time this guy washed his fucking ass, oh, must have been three fucking days ago, I don't even get me started, I'm not taking showers dawg, don't even get me started, I've never understood the concept of giving a fucking shower and not washing your asshole, I never, no matter what your movement is, you got to wash, cleanliness is next to godliness, you know what I'm saying? People must do that a lot to you, because you take those early flights, people must just wake up and just go, I will fucking kill you if you sit on a plane next to me stinking, I will say something, I've said shit before, fuck yeah, I just pay $400 for a plane ticket,

$500 for a plane ticket, you're gonna not take a shower and sit next to me with your stinky ass, I will fucking tell, I will crime stop your ass in a second, I am not a rat, but if you don't take a shower and you sit next to me with that fucking cungho breath and you're stinking up a fucking storm like armpit, I will fucking say something to you, I've said it to people before, I have said it before, I don't give a fuck how rude it is man, you can't sit next to me with that armpit funk, those people that keep putting that jacket on over and over and you can smell the fat, bro I smell my shirts, smells like fucking fat, after I take a shirt off it smells like bacon and chopsticks and fuck it,

you know what I'm saying, I know what the fuck I smell like, we all fucking have olders, if you're not aware of them and you're gonna infringe them on somebody, you know, no, no, you don't wanna wash your ass and you wanna sit at home for three days and let that sheet of grease on your hair, you ever see those chicks with the sheet of grease on their hair, who lets you out of the fucking house, who lets you out, your husband, your boyfriend, your parents with that sheet of grease on your fucking head, come on guy. Oh shit, I never knew this about you. Yeah, I don't like none of that shit, when I see a dude with sandals on his day time and his feet is just encrusted, I don't understand

that concept. So speaking of that commercial, when you gotta head all that flour over you, how many showers did you take after that? Oh, I took six days, washed me down there, but that's not dirt. Yeah, that's true. That's not dirt, when you play football and you get muddy, that's not fucking dirt, I'm talking about when you go two days without a shower, when you take a shower and don't put the odor on, when you take your clothes off and they're sweaty and you put them back on over your clean body and then you got the funk from yesterday coming out of your fucking thing, you know, my wife, she knows that I put a pair of pants on like the wrong amount

in the fucking thing. I got 20 pairs of jeans because I don't like even wearing the same pants twice. Oh, you won't? Fuck, no, I even got like 10 pair of fucking pants that look the same, I bought them at the same place. There's some days if I'm not doing nothing, I'll say those pants aren't dirty, but I never understood none of that shit. My mom was a fucking clean freak dog. I've been telling you motherfuckers, she threw, fuck, I've never seen a woman clean like that, so that's what I'm used to. My mother used to always said there was no excuse for a woman being fucking dirty, that a man can be dirty. I think we got a call coming.

What time is it? Is it that time? What's happening, brother? What are you doing, man? You know, over here thinking about you, my brother Josh Wolfe is calling in today. How are you, my good sir? I'm doing well, man. How are you? Now, what time do you get up to do this? Five. Holy shit. How long have you known me, dog? How many? I get up early all the fucking time. I know, I know, I know. It's amazing to me, though. It's amazing. Like, I don't think people know that, but you are up. What time do you get up?

Up, up. Ready to go. Up. Five. That's amazing. I never understood Josh Wolfe. I used to have a friend that would get up. He would rub his feet. He would sit up, get coffee, get a pack of cigarettes, read the paper, and 50 minutes in, he's still sitting there and life is going on. I don't mind you doing that, but get up, wash your pussy first, then at least get the day going. You know what I'm saying? Well, here's the best thing about it, is that I've known you for years,

but when you used to get in at four in the morning, you'd still get up at five in the morning. Always, bro. I was saying, like, it wasn't like you, when we used to go out and be up, when you went to sleep, you'd still get up early. Like, it wasn't like you ever slept until 1 PM, ever. I didn't have the time. No, you never did. I didn't have the time. You don't have the time.

Only fucking rich people sleep, and people don't need to be somewhere, though. Who the fuck, you know what I'm saying? You had the three kids by yourself, you couldn't sleep, and I know you wanted to sleep. You wanted to sleep. You got in at one with me, but you had no fucking choice, you know? And I think people should take that the same way. When you lived in that bay, I mean, Joey used to live, I went to the house in Seattle that had a little, when you first got to Seattle, you lived in my little, what would you call that, back house?

No, when I first got there, we lived with Mark Madison up in fucking that town where we had the dog shit downstairs, I walked down there. Oh, his dog used to shit on the floor all the time? Oh, there was a mattress, and there was dog shit everywhere. I used to have to sweep, but every time I lifted weights down there. Oh, his little, he had that fucking dalmatian. We lived at the house, it was a shit hole. But his dalmatian, he used to cook eggs in the morning.

And his dalmatian would watch him cook eggs and shit on the kitchen floor as you watched him cook eggs. And then Mark would sit at the dining room table with a big steaming pile of shit on the kitchen floor and eat fucking eggs. It's fucking crazy. But it was crazy. It would draw me fucking crazy, though. Oh, that dalmatian was bananas.

That was, wait, when you first got there, how long until your first little spent from where I was getting collect calls from? OK, I got I got to Seattle in June of 95. And my first problem with Carol was when was it? Because first I got arrested for arguing with her. Yeah, that first thing it was harassment. The first thing I told the story in Portland, my first day in Seattle,

I got a ticket for J walk. And that should have been a sign right there. Should have got the fuck out of that. Because if somebody gives you a ticket for J walk and you don't want to live there. You were I remember how mad you could not believe that shit. Or you could say what these fucking white people. Oh, these fucking white people give me my own business across the street. I think what you told me, too, was you at first,

you said they were pulling over pulling you over because like they were trying to protect you from something. That's what I thought that was getting hit by a car in the street or something. I'm like, thank you, officers. They're like, no, we got to give you a ticket for fucking J walking. It was the J walking. And then it was the harassment. And then December was when I almost fucking strung her to death when she did

something and they threw me in jail for a month. And then I got out and then I stayed out for a long time. And then you gave me to hear the ecstasy of a Monday morning at eight in the morning. And I had the restraining order against it. I went over and tried to give her a stabbing and the neighbor called the cops. I mean, I went under the bed and the bed was going up and down from my stomach being so fucking big. So they threw me in jail.

And the ecstasy hit me in the holding cell as I was getting fingerprinted. I turned into fucking right. I started singing Rianne songs and the fucking fingerprinting. So people knew there was something wrong with me. Where have you been? The best thing Carol, I remember Carol saying to me, I was like, well, how did they know Joey was under the bed? And she goes, well, his stomach was so big.

It looked like the mattress was breathing. Oh, my God, oh, my God. I remember the day I threw a computer out the fucking window. I almost killed it. I threw that fucking $300. She owe me $300. I threw a computer in her shoes out the fucking window. Well, when you when you told me you arrested for harassment.

You were like, next time I get arrested for doing something to her, it's kind of be worth it. Oh, yeah, because I felt I think you felt like you went to jail and it wasn't like you didn't even get anything out of it. No, if you're having an argument with somebody and they go, I'm calling the police. That's your time to hit them with a fucking frying pan and break their fucking skull because if the cops are going to come, you might as well make it be worth it. Why are you going to jail for like harassment or intimidation?

Fuck no, take the whole fucking leg out. Just kick them in the fucking head. You know, and it's funny that you you talk about that. The other day I was talking to somebody about bad relationships. Yeah, that was a fucking never ending armpit. And everybody's gone through one. Everybody's gone through one where you hook up with a chick and the pussy's good and you really want to stab up.

But the it's so much drama, but the pussy's so good, you love it. I never understood. I never understood. I understood that idea. But you were tapping with Carol after how long? How many years? Four fucking years. You know, and I was coming off my divorce, which I was fucking angry. And yeah, Carol, which is like putting fucking gasoline on a match.

But once she let me stick a bottle in her pussy in Seattle, that's why I knew I had to stick around for a while, because you don't mean a lot of chicks that let you put a wine bottle in their fucking monkey. And you know, that's probably one out of a thousand. That's one out of a thousand. You know, it's amazing what we'll put up with when a lady is doing like when a lady sticks her tongue up your asshole. We'll take a little bit more fucking.

We'll do the dishes. We'll take a yelling, you know what I'm saying? It's amazing how stupid we fall into it. Not a lot of it. Me, Gavin and I, I was always like, how long until Joey killed her? I was like, at some point we both thought, this is Seattle, not when you were down here. But in Seattle, we both thought, how long until she shows up dead and Joey? Joey disappears.

And I was after that. Um, after that time where you got, when you were arrested on ecstasy, I was like, it's, it's a matter of time. It's a matter of time. It's a matter of time. There's no way she survived. Because one time it's got something's going to happen. It's going to be accidental.

And he's going to be like, well, now I'm going to have to bury her body and leave Seattle. I would have chopped that bitch up and buried it and let the body on fire. I remember one time the cops were looking for me. I had to jump in a pool like James Bond, and the cops didn't even look in the swimming pool. I was hiding under the water. I'm fucking, I mean, you can't tell these stories. Joshua, if I can't repeat these stories.

The last time I fought with Carol was on Martel Street in front of Gavin Boyd's house, she had a fucking can of that spray that you spray in somebody's eyes when they're raping you. Mace, and I had a fucking pork roast, not a pork roast, like a brisket or a big piece of meat. And I was about to hit it with the fucking big piece of meat. And I'm whipping quarters at her in the middle of Martel on a Sunday. You know, that's not necessary in your life.

I had no point. I remember when you remember this. I went on the road for a long time and we came back and I had a showcase and you met me at the improv and she showed up with a fucking really steroid a guy. Yeah, this what I said to you. I looked at you in the face and you go, who's that? And I go, that's a new boyfriend.

I go, if she thinks I beat her up, went to this fucking guy, knocks the fuck out of her all juiced up. We fucking laughed our asses. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't she get like what the point? Didn't she get also some old, like Indian, not like Native American Indian, but no, she dated a Hindu that was like 64 with one foot in the grave.

One little banana peel. He died, left a two mil. Then she dated a Greek dude that was retarded. Josh, he came up here. The guy's like, where do I get? Let me tell you how retarded he is. He went to like one of those teeny boppa bars in Hollywood and bought blow and they said to him, don't open it till you get outside.

And when he got up the corner was baby powder. And then he went to Miami and he ran over a cop. That's why he had to leave the country. He ran over a cop with his car, bro. But I don't remember, I don't remember Carol Cowan, what I would you, when she told us that she was just waiting for that Indian guy to die. That's it. She got two million from that guy.

Once she was, she hung out no for two years. She was sucking that Kerry dick. It tasted like fucking Bacala with fucking death on it. She tolerates a lot. I don't mind fucking him. I'm just waiting for him to die. I remember one time I wasn't even dating her and I walk in the room and she's playing with a pussy.

And later on she said to me, why don't you put your dick in my mouth? That would have helped me. I mean, she was, she just called in. You know, she called in and she told these beautiful viewers, listeners that she got arthritis in her wrist from giving hand jobs. She's still stripping. She's still stripping. She's still stripping.

44 years old. She's still stripping. She still has two sugar daddies. She had that retarded sugar daddy a bit smack a couple of times. That guy was fucking retarded, bro. Wait, wait, wait. She's still stripping. She's still stripping.

She got less. No, no, no, no, you don't know that she bought one of those women's gyms. Remember curbs? Yeah. She bought about six of those and sold them before the bottom fell out for all the dough. And let me, let me ask you something. Does it bother you or shock you at all that she's got more money than all of us? That stupid mother fucker.

No, it just goes to show you that she was thinking she's always saved everything. That bitch would rather light her pussy on fire and suck a bald guy on the street than break a $20 bill. That was your biggest thing was cheap. She's got to be worried. That was all your fights, Joe Diaz. She's got a ball. You know, she's got about seven hours right now, $10000 under your mattress and you will

buy me a coffee. Oh, she was as cheap. She's got about six houses right now. Four of them are rental houses. This bitch that she still sucks dick. She charges you 100 for a blow job and 200 to let a fucker at the strip club in Tampa. I'm not kidding. I wish I was fucking lying to you, bro.

I have to see what she looks like right now. What do you look like? Go on Facebook. She gained maybe she gained maybe 30 pounds and she last seen she got gigantic tits. She's got two tickets. No, she never got the fake tits. She just got all those teeth. She doesn't give a fuck.

Did she did she did she buy some more teeth? I think she bought like nine extra teeth and put them in there. She looks like Sigourna Weaver met fucking the dentist. It's it's fucking crazy when we talk about her. It's it's and she still calls once a month. You'll call me and knock me off my seat with a story. I he's like, I never believed honestly when you first said to tell me stories about her. I was like, there's no way I was like, he's got to be lying about this shit.

Not of every single one of those. True. I could not believe it was I almost it's like you could not make somebody like that up. She was so ridiculous. And so not only was she so cheap, but you're right. She would have got anything for money and was so open about talking about fucking people that blow jobs or hand jobs. It didn't matter. It didn't matter.

It's it's it's amazing. You know, you see these women who lie to you about it. Like, I didn't really fuck them. I just kind of suck this dick. We mean kind of suck this dick. Cat will tell you, I suck this dick. I stung his tongue in my tongue up his ass. Doug, she was I remember one time I was banging in the ass and I found

like a little aluminum foil. I told you about that. No. Yeah, man. She was crazy. She was crazy. Another time I had a wine bottle in her pussy and it would suck the vacuum out of the period and they fucking went into the bottle and almost fainted in Seattle right there at the fucking beach, wherever we were. Who lets you stick a wine bottle in that pussy at the beach?

Who? Who? Tell me who? Was there anything that she ever said no to? Nothing. You could ask her to do anything. You'd come on a face or eyeball. She didn't give a fuck, Doug. That's what was so crazy about it. That's what was that's why you can't pass that up. An opportunity like that.

She would even let me choke her one time in Miami for New Year. She told me to beat her up. But I was fucking her. She couldn't even go out in New Year's Eve. She had a black eye. She didn't give a fuck. She didn't give a fuck. You know, now she did she have a kid?

Two kids with the Greek guy. The Greek guy ran over the cop, fucked her, left to Greece, came back in the country, fucked her and he got arrested. That's how crazy it is. That's how crazy her life is. She could write a book. I told her to start writing her memoirs, but. She but she but now her kid, how old are kids and her kids?

Six and seven and she still strips and girls are boys. Girl are boys and she's part of the PTA and she's part of the neighborhood. Watch. They don't know if she's a stripper because she strips 100 miles away. So in her neighborhood, she walks around like she's just a dumb chick with big tits. Little do they know that she makes fucking 2000 a fucking hour down there. And let me ask you another question, because most of the girls who will let you do fucking anything to them, they'll let you do anything to them.

But they're not enjoying it. They're enjoying it. They just don't mind whatever the fuck. Because what didn't she? What did she raise fucked up? What happened there? She was raising a cult, a cult that's why her parents put her in a fucking cult with nine people.

You're not going to believe this shit when you hear this, you know, and she talks to the parents. And that's one thing that always got me of my parents put me in a cult and let the cult leader and the other people abuse me. It was like Jonestown in Indiana. It was like Jonestown guys. This is they only ate what they fucking killed. She used to drink blood pudding, you know, at night, the owner of the cult leader

would come and get you and bring you to his room. And she he fucked all the sisters. I mean, the family, if you look at the family, half of them look like the father and the other half look like something different. And the allegations of that, the cult leader was the father of these kids and they know it. It's I was trying to talk with the suing those fucking parents. I'm like, you got to sue those motherfuckers and make a case and don't let

the but you know what, those kids are devoted and they they lived their life like nothing ever happened. And you know what, man, I give them a lot of credit as a father's fault. They were weak. I mean, you wouldn't join a cult with your wife knowing that they were going to torture your fucking kids and beat your kids. But she did that. I think she remembered you telling me like she when she was young,

the cult leader was fucking her. Oh, yeah, all of them, all of them. He was fucking all the kids, all the kids. When you talk to them, you know, they have some sadness in their life over something, you know, I had the same sadness growing up. But it's because I lost my parents. So they both had all their parents and their siblings. So you could tell there's something deeper.

And I always I didn't even like being around her family because they sold out the kids. How do you sell your fucking kids? Great thing. You know, one thing that people use when you used to babysit for my kids and people used to ask me all the time, why do you that? Because when you were babysitting, you still have pretty, you know, there's still a little bit of a criminal element with you.

And people used to ask me, why do you, why would you let Joe Diaz? Why do you let him babysit your kids? Everybody knew how much below you did. Um, there was definitely still the criminal element. And I told her, I was like, listen, first of all, I knew that you would, whatever would happen, you may come over with $200 worth of coke in your pocket, but you would still also jump in front of a boss or the kids that you had such a soft spot or still do have such a soft spot in your heart for kids.

And it's, I don't think people understand that, I think, but a lot of that comes from how you were brought up. You know, when we used to talk about doing crimes together, when we stole that safe, remember that we stole that safe, but I was like, I would talk about being there and you would say, no, no, no, you can't be here. I mean, you, you were like, you can be involved in the planning and all that stuff, but you can't be here. And I would say, why?

And you'd say, you, because you have a family. If I go to jail, I don't have a family. But he said, you would say, you can't go to jail. You, you have a family. Like that was a big thing for you. But that, a lot of that was how you grew up because you knew what it's like to lose part of your family. That was what we always, we all know what it's like to be a kid and how we want

to be treated as a kid. And when I see kids around, bro, I try to treat them like a kid. I try to treat them like a kid, but we're respect. You got to give kids respect for them to be anything. My mother was a lot of bad things. She did blow in front of me, but one thing she did was she respected me. I had an opinion. I did what the fuck I wanted, you know, and we kids, you have to give them

the same dedication. They know, they know, if you got their back, you know, those kids that you have, those aren't your bloodline, but they know you love them. You know, your son, your oldest, went to, got deployed to Afghanistan. I know you got a knot in your stomach before he went. He came to see you in a way. He came to thank you for what you did. When it comes to kids, man, they'll get fucked up for life if you fuck with them.

Why would you fuck with a kid? Why the fuck would you fuck with a kid that you know it's going to affect them years later? So, you know, I know one thing, Josh Wolf, that there was plenty of opportunities. People had to fuck me in the ass when my mother died. I was fucking vulnerable, you know, and I had plenty of opportunities where people do whatever they wanted to do to me. There was a year that you could probably do whatever you wanted to do to me

because you can't figure out why God took your mother and father. So you're going to be vulnerable. Thank God, nobody did those things to me. Nobody ever tried to do anything like that to me. You had a couple of people step up there for you. Yeah, no, no. So I understand what it feels like when you have kids. I understand the respect you have to give them just because they're kids.

You still got to respect them. I can't understand the Sandusky thing, Josh Wolf. I can't understand so many things about children. You know, when a little girl, I was at my friend's house and they have a little five-year-old girl on the center of the couch. She comes over to me, she's like, Uncle Joey, my thing is burning. And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, my thing between my legs of burning dog.

I was never in such a distressed in my life that this little girl would run back and say, mommy, mommy, my thing is on fire. And she went back there and told her mom, my friends, and they have kids and shit that her thing is on fire. And the mom goes, go wash it. And I'm like, oh, I'm off the hook. She probably thought she came in here in the living room. That shit would destroy me.

This little girl trying to tell me that her little monkey was on fire. What should she do? She's five years old. I don't even like being around girls of their 18. Never mind five or six, you know. You have to have respect for your kids and you love your children, too. Whether they're yours or not, man, because you know. I remember the first time, you know,

I had a conversation like that with my daughter when she came out. She told me that her squeety hurts. I remember that. There's no woman in the house. You know, you're looking around for cameras. You're looking for the guy from fucking Date Line. And I, you know, it's like if somebody had a boo boo, you know, when you're kid after that, they come on, like, I got boo boo.

You said, let me take a look at it. But I'm like, I don't, you know, I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'll see your squeety hurts. She'll, yeah. And then she said, just like that, she was seven. She goes, will you look at it? I'm like, I don't think I can do that. No.

I think that's against the law for me to look at that. But I know you could go sit in the bath and maybe you could talk to me through the door and tell me what you see because I can't, I can't fit in here. Good content and look at your squeety. I don't think I don't think I can do that. Yeah, no, it's different. But I think you would, you know, also you know what it's like to have

part of your childhood taken away. Absolutely. Right. Absolutely. So what you, you have that real visceral reaction to people who take away other people's childhoods? Oh my God, it's, it sticks with you forever. When you, you know, when you fuck with a kid, it sticks with you forever.

And the other point, you know, it's funny because a couple of weeks ago I turned on Chelsea and there you are with your hat on. It was the episode with Will Farrell. You know, yeah, funny, hysterical. And I'm looking at you. I'm like, look at Josh. He's all preppy today. Those motherfuckers knew we robbed the safe together.

They, that was the heaviest thing I've ever lifted in my life. Cocksucker, I did that safe solo. I carry it downstairs and when I got out and put in the trunk of the car, the cops were in the parking lot waiting for people to go by. I thought I was gone. That whole safe story is fucking amazing. Me and your buddy though. I thought we were walking with 40 grand.

Oh, you, there was laundry money in there. When I gave you that can of fucking jars of pennies. I was so mad. We were fucking like, you sure you didn't rob me dog? No. Ask the other guy. There was nothing in there. I could not wait.

Here's the thing. I couldn't wait because the whole plan was we would make it look like, you know, who knew who did it because I was planning on being out. I was out of town on the road. So it was, they didn't know it was an inside job, right? How would, how, how, how, how would I have had anything to do with it? Cause I was on the road. So I set it up for you to go in that place.

And man, you told me you couldn't get a safe down the stairs. So you rolled it down the stairs, but they were wooden stairs. Oh my God. And you broke, you broke the stairs with the safe. That, that was the thing they were the maddest about cause they couldn't get back up there to their off. I just picked up that safe and threw it down the stairs. It was going boom, boom, boom, fucking making noises.

Then I had to throw it down the thing and then I had to open the back door. Then your fucking buddy, the lip, I didn't know where he was. I had to look for him and shit and then carry it outside. And then we fucking had to open it with a blow torch and then take it back to the fucking lake and throw it in there. What'd you say they were $27 and a quarter 27. There's nothing worse than having your, it's like being hungry for a steak and you get home and somebody ate your fucking steak.

That's the same way. When you break into a safe, you know, there's money in there and you go, you open it up and there's fucking loose coins in there. You want to shoot somebody, though. It turns out, you know why there were $27 and a quarter, right? He knew it. He knew why he knew we were going to hit him. He had a feeling yet he was also bigger thief than we were.

You know, the reason that place closed down is because he was taken. He basically opened it promising everybody money, right? He opened it with a whole staff saying, look, we don't have any money right now, but we're going to have money. We, this place is in a prime, a prime spot. We're going to have tons of people down here at the baseball season. You know, people come and watch the game. So there's going to be tons of people in the bar.

And he was basically taking half of the money, cash, that the bar was bringing in and pocketing it, just waiting for it to close down. He was never intended it to stay open. So he would take the other half and, you know, buy a new product and get the beer and keep the lights on and then just pay people a little bit in cash. Tell them we're not making enough money to pay you yet. All right. So everybody had an IOU, everybody, and the bartenders and the waitresses,

they don't make money by the hour anyways. They didn't really care because we were making money cash. So he was really just stealing from himself. So that weekend, it was a huge baseball week and the Yankees went to town. Play the man. He ended up taking all that money. He's take he took he sold. He bought and sold so much blow out of that place.

That's what his money was. And then he would read, read, be by it and resell crazy. He was a bigger thief than us. That was the problem. We didn't we didn't get we didn't get to him. We went to Rob. Somebody robbed himself before we got there. Yeah, he robbed himself of where we could rob him.

And the lip never he never bounced back from that. You know that? Never bounced back. It's funny because I remember the guy that we tried to rob kept telling me for weeks after I know it's you. I'm just trying to figure out a way how to prove it. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I was laughing right in his face. That fucking safe is at the bottom of the fucking ocean cocksucker.

He was positive. Oh, it was positive. It was us. He was like, I know what she's got something to do with you guys. You know, it was funny because I was really trying to turn my life around in Seattle, like my criminal life was still part time, but not to the point where I was robbing safes. And I get up there next, you know, I'm going to jail for assaults and I'm doing

this. So I said, fuck it. I just threw myself in it. When I think of Seattle, I think of the guy I met at your bar one night. And he gave me the keys to the kingdom. He's like, dog, if you want to start a bookmaking thing, I work for this phone service. I hook you up. He gave me a 1-800 number. He gave me a free phone, all these lines.

And then he's like, I like to put some bets in this guy. You know, this is just to prove to you people that we're all fucking losers. I mean, I had no money. That was sitting on his bets and making money. Because I knew he was going to tell them where you were, tell them where you were living when you were doing it. I was living on top of your bar, a Lobo local, whatever the fuck it was, in an office building that had a pisser at the end.

So I was just pissing there. But if I needed to shit, I have to stick my ass out of the shower and shit four floors down and then go wipe my ass over at the gym. I had to join that fucking gym. And yeah, now, because it was it was an office. So you did. It was a fucking office. It was a tiny little office.

And I remember the guy would ask you every day, you're not living in there, right? And you're like, no, no. I just go up there and take bets. That's it. I don't bother nobody. You know, you're not living in there, right? No. But that was that also the time, you know, at my bar, we had a fetish night. And remember, I hired you to work the door. Oh, my God, that was disgusting.

And that dude dressed like a woman started hitting you with his umbrella. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the fucking that was I never, you know, when I moved to Seattle, I had never known about dirty women like Carol. I had never met a woman like that at all. I did all that shit that was so worldly when it came to cock. And I had never seen the fetish thing where these ugly people would come in and put fucking jumper cables on their tits and pierced their cock. I'd never seen that world, those ugly fucking people.

I mean, they were all crazy. I was like, this is fucking amazing. Where are these people coming from? These filthy people walking around barefoot, blowing each other and sticking needles in each other's eyeballs and shit. Do you remember that one night these people called and we had a little VIP room downstairs that from the bar you could see through the glass, right?

And so these warm people said we want to rent the VIP room one night. It's pretty secret stuff. So we were running out for five thousand dollars and they were like fine. And they're like fine, but nobody else can come in. It's ours all night. Well, I could see it from the bar because in the VIP room that needed to be a window. So just in case they needed something I could see.

They were scatting in there. You know what that is? What's that? So we had a glass table and guys would lie underneath the table and look up at girls shitting onto the table. That was how they got off. They jerked off to girls watching shit come out of girls' assholes. Oh, God, see, that's a complete different.

I don't mind licking an asshole or sticking a finger in it. I don't want to see soft serve come out of your ass as they sit there with my mouth open, waiting for fucking the world to end. Right. So they would look like they were under a glass table. So the shit it would look like was falling on their face. But obviously it just landed right up on the grass, the grass table. And they just watched that they would jerk off to it. Oh, God, that's when you know, you fucking crazy.

They paid us five thousand dollars to let people shit on them. But that wasn't the night that that dude hit you with the umbrella. That was a different Wednesday night. Wasn't it too old? It was two old Queens, right? Two old fucking Queens beat me up with a fucking umbrella. I couldn't believe it for twenty five dollars, fifty dollars. They were arguing with each other and you went down there

and like a jelly there arguing, you got to come and ask and leave. And you were like, excuse me, but you guys got to leave. And they were arguing, you're like, excuse me, but you guys believe they were arguing. So you just very nicely started to escort them out, each escort them out. And then one of them turned with his little camisole or umbrella or whatever and just started hitting you with it. And I would have beat him up, but I was on probation the whole fucking time.

I couldn't even do nothing. Can you imagine? I got to a fight with Cal and I going there with a bag beat up with makeup running from his face. That's all I needed. You know, man, we had some fucking good times up there. And we had great comedy times. I mean, that was the blueprint for our career, Joshua, for comedy. I remember very clearly one night we were at the kingdom watching baseball and we were talking about comedy.

And in between comedy, you were cracking me up. And I asked you, I'm like, Joey, why are you so much funnier offstage than you are on stage? And you're like, I don't know, I try to write these jokes. And then we both were like, well, maybe you should stop trying to write these jokes and just go on stage and be Joey Diaz. Because just being Joey Diaz is funny enough. And you would you've always been quick enough

on your feet to go up and talk about whatever. But you started writing on stage like you would do a joke and then come off and write it down. But you weren't because when you write like set up punchline jokes, it just wasn't natural. I mean, that that joke you used to close on about, you know, how do you drive a woman crazy? That was just not you.

But when you started just doing what you're doing now, that's where everything just started to start taking off. I think when you stop putting down just, you know, the set up punchline and I have to write a joke, joke, it start taking off for you. You know what I mean? Josh Wolf, it kills me because it's like everything else in my life. When I came from Cuba, I wanted to be white. White people don't like me.

So I got to be a fucking Puerto Rican. Now all my life, I just wanted to be a stand up comic that knew how to write. And two weeks ago, I take Tony Hinkliffe out to lunch. I go, Tony, I just want to be a stand up comic. Can you help me? And he goes, why? He goes, why? He goes, you have the most unorthodox style. He goes, most people have punchlines.

You just have setups. He goes, people pray for that shit. He goes, you have no punch line because your setups are so fucking funny. He goes, I was watching and he tells me all this shit like he had been studying it. And I go, how do you know this? He goes, because I watch you. He goes, you have zero punch lines, but you have the funniest fucking setups. He goes, you're the only comic that does not need to do a punch line.

Just setups. And I'm like, that's a great fucking way of looking at it. He's like, Jeff Ross wants to do what you fucking do it. And here you are, you want to be Jeff Ross. And I'm like, all I want to ever be was a monologist, Josh. Just to write a fucking joke, you know, that's not your style. That's not my style. I can't do it. I cannot fucking do it. And when I try to do it, people are like, it was a good written joke.

But we want you to do what the fuck you do. And I'm like, fuck, I can't win. But sometimes you have the best thing about you. And look, as a comic, I would be lying to you if it didn't make me a little jealous. Sometimes you get big laughs. And I think to myself, you always get big laughs, but I'll hear a joke and I'll think to myself, all right,

if I wrote that down on a piece of paper, there's not one punch line in there. But there's laughs throughout because it's just the way you tell the story. It's who you are that brings the funny. But if you wrote it down, I'd be like, I don't know where the punch line is in that story. But when you tell it on stage, it crushes. It's this is an education for people, man. And this is an education that goes throughout whatever the fuck you're doing, whether you're a plumber or a singer, you know, we learn every day.

I mean, I've known you since 95. And whenever we talk, we still talk about dumb shit, nuts and bolts. Yeah, that we're learning along the way. I mean, it's like, and I'm proud of you. I watch you on Chelsea laughing, you're having a good time. You know, you've been kicking ass the last six or seven years. You know, you got your stuff going on. You sold the movie, you know, so it's unbelievable that we, you know,

I talked to Brody yesterday. No, you did. He's moving to the valley. He sounds great, you know, and we all fucking came up together, Josh Wolf. This is something that you know what the thing is, Joe, when it comes to that, like, and I'm sure you, I think recently, just until recently, like this podcast, especially, but the, the, the, basically the rule is the lesson is you got to trust yourself, you have to trust yourself.

I know a long time you kind of fought telling the kind of stories you tell now, because you like, because of what you thought people would think, right? Yeah, I don't want people knowing this shit. Yeah, but the truth is people like honesty and people like real, especially, and so whatever your truth is, you got, and whatever your business is, you just got to trust yourself. You got to trust that, you know, that whole thing. If you build it, they will come.

Yeah. But not everybody's, it's not for everybody, but the people that do like what you say will come and they'll come loyally. You know, Sam Kennedy then told me, which was crazy. The one time, you know, I, you know, the third time I was ever on stage, I opened for him and you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ralphie May, oh, you guys got to open for that motherfucker. Well, his, you know, Carl LaBeau's on the way to San Antonio, Carl LaBeau's

father passed of age, I think, and they needed an opener and I had just won a comedy competition the second time I'd ever been on stage. No, they were like, bring that guy out. But he was fucked up. He was supposed to be sober, but he was fucked up. And he said, remember, I can't do his voice, but he said, I always remember. It's better to have 10% of the people who love you than 90% of the people like you.

And I was like, well, that didn't make sense then, but it makes sense now because the 90% of you like something. You might watch it. You might go see it. You might buy something. You might not. Not a big deal because a lot of things you'd like. But if you love something like it, the people you used to, you told me

there, you've seen familiar faces of your shows hundreds of miles away, right? Yeah, yeah. This last week in Chicago, there were people there from Columbus. There were people that came down from Rochester who gave me one of those things that you smoke out of the thing in your room. You ever have one of those? The, it looks like a grenade. Yeah.

No, no, they have these new things now. I forget what they call them. And you're in a hotel room and what you do is you take both sides out and you take a hit off the one hitter and you blow in that and people don't smell the smoke. He gave me that a year ago in Rochester. And here he was in Chicago, Illinois. He's with his fucking wife and I'm embarrassed because I think I'm doing the same material twice.

So I pull him, I pull him aside and I go, listen, I'm really sorry. I didn't know you were here. I would have changed it up. And he goes, no, you changed it up enough. And then it's fucking embarrasses me, you know, think about it, think about it. Look at your view. The Grateful Dead. And they're not bands a while ago or fish.

Not everybody likes those people, but enough people love them where they're packed all the time. It may be the same people, but that's what I mean. Like the people that love what you do are loyal and they'll only love what you do if you're honest about it. And that's what I mean. Like you're, you just got to trust yourself. Unfortunately for most of us, it doesn't happen until we get old enough to make

enough mistakes to realize it's, it's the only way to do it. You know, you know, it's amazing because I always tell everybody that in this society, there was always iPhones and iPads and we go to I for the last, you know what I'm saying? We call everybody else for advice. We go to a psychiatrist, but nobody depends on I you follow what I'm trying to say to you, like the answers that for our life, we have the answers. Cause we know us.

We just hate committing to the fucking answers. And I think my life changed once I started committing to the answers. But for whatever reason, in your right, whatever reason, we think, we go to other people like we think they know better than we do. What's best for us is that it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous because obviously nobody knows what's better for you than you. You just have to be honest enough with yourself to trust it. That's all.

And listen, we all know to lose weight. I got to push myself from the fucking table. That's it. That's it. Instead of having two eggs with the pound of bacon, you have one egg with a piece of bread and you move on to apples. We all know this. We, how many people do it?

Well, I will tell you, when you left King County jail, you were pretty fat. Oh, fuck you. When you, can they count their points for you? But it's so weird, man, how you, uh, we all know the answers. You know, uh, when I met you, you went through one of the hardest things I seen a man go through. You went through a separation that was very hard. And you know what?

You bounce back stronger than I ever seen people bounce because you sat down, you had a long talk with yourself and you knew what you had to do. Yeah. That's why you're at where you're at today. You know, like I said, I have the utmost respect for you because you did something I could never do. I failed at fatherhood. I'm getting a second chance now.

You picked up fatherhood and fucking tackled it. You were like Lawrence Taylor. You took that fucking crack code down with the pipe and the crack. And then you said, what the fuck are you talking about? Motherfucker that I got set up like a motherfucker. I remember when they found the crack and you, uh, I always got an utmost respect for you because of what you did, uh, raising kids, especially in your situation, you broke up with the ex and she went to Seattle.

Now you had her kids. Let me tell you something, man, uh, that's an amazing thing that you did. You committed to children and you were talking about before how I feel about kids, what you did, uh, you know, if you fucking ended up killing somebody, if you became that guy in the movie theater in Colorado, I'd probably come busy in jail every day because I wouldn't think of you like that. I think of you as the guy who I'd go in the morning and you'd have a kid in your fucking backpack while you were doing dishes, cooking turkey burgers,

cleaning the house. You know, uh, people don't see that from me. A lot of people don't know when they watch you on Chelsea and you know, a lot of people see you and they think you just a happy, go lucky guy. They don't see our struggles in life, you know, and how we overcame them. They're mental fucking struggles and comedy saved us, Josh Wolf. Yeah. The one man show you wrote saved you.

It was your, uh, your cleansing, you know, so the same thing I do with this podcast and tell these stories, it's cleaning me. Yeah. You know, people ask me and that's how I would say also, like it's almost like therapeutic for a long time. I use my comedy almost like therapy where I would get on stage and just tell truth and sometimes it was funny and sometimes it wasn't, but it really was your right as cleansing.

It was just something that I needed to say and do. And, but listen, Joe, all right, I appreciate you saying that you respect what I did, but for, for what you to, to be where you are now, man. And after the shit you went through as a kid, you know, a lot of people feel sorry for themselves their whole lives. You did not. You didn't, you could have. And you look on, obviously you made a couple of choices that may not have

been the best choice in the world, but we all do, but yeah, yeah, yeah, but you came out the other side also. And at the end of the day, man, look at the end of the day, I, you know, I used to tell people, and you know, every script I've ever written you into your character is described as a moral criminal, but always kind of how I saw you. Like, I always felt like I would tell people that Joe Diaz actually may take $20 off of my kitchen table, but you know what? He would do those $20.

He would take me out to lunch. Now he would take me out to lunch with my own money, but, but you know what I mean? Like, I would can see like a moral criminal. That's what our wives do, right? Our wives take us out to lunch with our own money and shit. I bought your socks, bitch. It's my money. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

Like, I was like, people were like, look, there was always a difference to me with you, with you, especially with you, especially there was always a difference. Obviously, I knew that there was always, there was, you had a past and there was always a streak to you, but none of that shit ever worked me. Never did. Because at the end of the day, if there weren't too many people that I always thought would do the right thing, and I always thought you would do the right thing. Always, always, always, always when it came to little things, maybe not.

But the little things aren't at the end of the day. What matters when it comes to big things and somebody that you knew was going to be there, I always knew you would do the right thing. Hey, man, I know the same for you, cocksucker. You going to call again in a couple of weeks? Yeah, absolutely. Now I'm heading to the gym right now. All right.

What's the name of your podcast and what is it air and where is it air? Because I see you've been making some strides and I haven't called yet. I want to call you the next week or next week. Why don't you come into the studio? Let me know tomorrow night. Just let me know. And I'd love to come in and sit with you guys for 15, 20 minutes. You know who's coming into the studio, this dude?

You heard about this dude named Kieran Lee. You know who that is? I heard the name. Okay. He's a porn star who insured his dick for a million dollars and they insured it for a million dollars. So he's coming into the studio to tell us, I'm like, I want to know how much I can share my dick for or other body parts.

And he's going to tell me how we'd go about that. But if I can insure my dick right now, I might do it. You know what? I'm going to show him my little Cuban egg roll with the turtleneck on it and see how much I can get for that thing. I know there's a Jew out there that insured for me somewhere. How's the kid? Everything is good over there?

I'm trying to know how much you can get for your dick. And for my ball sack, I got to get a million a nut. I should get a million a nut. My nuts have been their sag. They're fucking after they're on Twitter. They're on Facebook. My nuts got more credits than most comedians, dog. You know, Adam Sandler found love of my nuts.

He even put them in Nick Swanson's video dog. That's how much people love my fucking nuts, except women. I can tell you, man, I don't love your nuts. I love you. I love you. What's the name of the show? You can find me on Twitter if they need to. OK, no, you're Josh Wolf comedy on Twitter, correct?

Yeah. And then what's the name of the podcast? Josh and Ross. Josh and Ross. And what night are you on Chelsea this week? I think Wednesday. OK, we'll be watching. Thank you for all you do, man.

I love you to all my heart. Give the kids a kiss. You got to tell me. Stay black. Have a good day. Bye bye. Great call. Hey, man, we try to do different fucking things here.

Beauty and the Beast. I'm sorry we ran a little late. I know your people starting to get your Monday started. Sometimes somebody calls. There was special call. We want to keep them on. Why fucking throw them out? You know, if if if I got a good conversation going, that's it,

man, but it's fucking Monday, Lee. What do you got for me? What do you got? We got any more music? What are you doing? We're going to do the movie. Oh, great movie. I thought you were going to shut it down.

I was like, no, I did the movie. No, no, I'm not shutting nothing down. Cocksucker. Before anything, let me give a shout out to a special, special people out there, my man, Jordan T, Mark Hernandez, Lou Mercado, Daniel Burrito, Leroy Neckbone. I love you, black motherfucker, Angel Lopez. I really do.

I love fucking Leroy Neckbone. He's like, you got a motherfucker, South center, this motherfucker last night. It's a whole new week, people. I love you guys. Really go out there and tear them up. We gave you a great album yesterday. We gave you fucking Santana yesterday.

Okay. Now I made a mistake. It was not their first album. Santana, I forget the name of the first album, but I found another album that got released in 97. It's called Santana 68. Holy shit. If you get a joint on that, fucking get it.

It's on YouTube. So listen to it first on YouTube. You're going to love it. I'm sorry. You're going, Joey, your respect. Stop pushing this meter meter bullshit. No, I push everything on you. Today, I'm going to give you a fucking great movie.

It's funny because I was lost for a long time when I was a kid. And I remember seeing a commercial one night, Lee, when I was watching Monday Night Football for a movie with James Kahn called The Thief. And I had seen James Kahn and fucking Godfather, and I figured he shot his love. This is it. You know, I never thought about it again.

And then I see another commercial that had won something at the Kahn's Film Festival, some film festivals, but this is when there was one film festival in 1980. There wasn't like the Kentucky Film Festival or the Valley Film Festival. And I don't believe in film festivals. I was always a film buff, but this time my mother had just died. And in the winter of 81, we had HBO, me and Mike Runny, the guy

who called and said he pushed the hooker from the moving car. We lived together in a basement and we watching HBO that month showed The Raging Bull. The Thief and the Hollywood Nights. You motherfuckers have never seen Hollywood Nights. It's like the first porkies. Hollywood Nights is with Arliss, the Jew Chick, you know, Fran Dreschler, Mike, the guy from the HBO show, and it's a movie

that was a couple of comics from the comedy store, or in this movie Michelle Pfeiffer, Tony Danza, fucking hilarious. And they piss in the punch at a party and you know, I was watching porkies the other day, I couldn't stop laughing when they stick their dick in the hole in the middle of the class and they have to get a sketch writer to describe the dick. I was fucking howling because you know me guys, I'm still 13 and all right, I laugh and fart.

But one of the movies I watched that changed my life because at the time I didn't know what I was going to do. I was a street piece of shit. So basically I was a thief and I watched this movie. It came out in 1981 on whatever and in this movie it's James Kahn as the thief, his assistant is Jimmy Belushi. Now, we've all seen that TV show Jim Belushi's on and we've all asked ourselves why is this fucking show on TV?

This guy is horrible. What the fuck is this show about? Let me tell you something. I give Jim Belushi respect because of this movie the thief. You got Tuesday Welled and you got fucking Willie Nelson. It's about a guy who owns a car lot who did a long time and he does a couple of monologues in there that I just really hit home about not giving a fuck.

The first one to air for you the first piece is he gets his jewel guy gets thrown off a cliff with $300,000 that belongs to him and he's waiting for the guy to call him and Jim Belushi picks him up and takes him to this steel plating company and this is Dennis Farina's first film appearance ever. He plays one of the fucking bodyguards, but James Kahn goes over to talk to the guy about his money hit it Lee. Mr. Tiger, you didn't get a delivery of something.

Sit down, Zink, what? My name is Frank and that was bullshit. What is this is Joe Gags 185,000 of my money. We have this problem. What problem? What are you talking about? He was moving my merchandise, sort of money in his pocket when he went out the window is my money.

This is a plating company. What are you telling me this shit? Shit, I want my money. Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Frank Lala, whatever. Some guy died. Yes. This state goes to probate.

Take it to probate call. What do you bug me with this? I come here to discuss a piece of business with you. What are you going to do? You're going to tell me fairy tales. Hey, who the fuck are you slick? Somebody knows you. What are you crazy or what?

I don't know you. I don't know some clown named Gags. Go and go see what you got to do. Get out of here. Carl. All right, get the fuck out of here. Oh, all right, all right. He puts a huge gun in this motherfucker's face and listen to

the tangerine dream coming up on you on the music. Listen to his words. Do what he says. Lay down. Go ahead. Put your hands on your head. Spread your legs. Now.

Hey, you, you go fuck at the wall. I am the last guy in the world that you want to fuck with. Damn. You found my money on Gags. Let us pretend that you don't know whose money it is. That's right, for Christ's sake. I don't know who you are. He's fucking fast when you got a gun to your head.

Three hours. I will call the set of meat. You will pay me my money, $185,000. That's it. Killed out. That's a great scene. But I just wanted to say just coming from a guy who does TV and stuff and I went just, I don't think people notice like the

planes and the cars in the background. It's just all building tension and fucking, I haven't even seen the movie. This is a director. Guys, this is Michael Mann's second or third or fourth movie. Way before Heat and all the other shit. This is what I talk about directors. He throws everything in. Everything natural and it builds tension in the scene.

And you would think in a movie today he probably would have got a shot and he would have killed everybody. He didn't shoot anybody in this. He didn't shoot. This is a classic movie. Now, the word on the street and how I talk to you guys is very honest. Because at the end of the day, honesty is all we have. Your word is all you fucking have.

You know, when I go on stage, I don't lie. I do not lie. Most comics go up there. Me and my girl from broke up. Why are you saying that? You're fucking lying. You're fucking lying. So you have to be honest.

You have to be honest to people around you. Hey, listen, man, I told some fucking lies growing up. But you know, some movies, movies are supposed to be entertainment. The movies I'm going to show you guys are going to fucking change you. You're going to look at these movies and go, what the fuck is this guy talking about? And one of the best things about this movie that I learned was that he goes now, he dumps his wife, and he starts dating Tuesday well. And the master thief in this movie is a guy by the name of Willie Nelson, the guy that

taught him everything inside prison. And he goes to see Willie Nelson, to console with him, to counsel with him about his life. This is guys like me, dawg. You think I'm going to listen to Anthony fucking Robin? You're walking on coals? I'm going to listen to a motherfucker who's lived that goddamn life and lived it the way he wanted to. This is the people you learn from.

Hit this clip. He goes in to see Willie Nelson. Thank you, Lee. You're a fucking... Lee's even watching this shit going, Joey. Where the fuck are you getting these movies from? Because I ain't going to play your shit. Every movie I go to see, I leave there, and I never even think of the movie ever again.

These movies you think about, when people come over, you go, look at this scene. Hit this motherfucker, Lee. You bad flying, Jew. Thanks for coming on down so soon. I was coming anyway. How's it going? Me. I am doing terrific.

Every day is a surprise. It is real fucking weird out there. It is nothing like we figured out. So what's to it, my man? Same old shit. Morris finally busted Red's pruno operation. A lot of knifes going on. Willie Nelson sitting opposite from James Cahn.

What are you going to get? What are you going to get to get that combo, you fucking momos? Rapists, child molesters. They put that shit right in here with the mainstream population. Used to be somebody like that. They lasted five days. It'd be a world record. For first.

How's the wife? The wife. There's nothing with the wife. I pulled the plug. What happened? She doesn't know I'm putting down scores. The rocket scientist that she is. She's out.

That I am having affairs with fancy ladies. Anyway, we get all screwy and twisted. What are you going to do? Well, I'm going to put it back together. Look, I met this new chick, this Jesse. You're going to marry her and have some kids? Yes. But she does not know what I do.

So what? I mean, do I bullshit her along or what? Lie to no one. If there's somebody close to you, you're going to run it with a lie. If they're strangers, who the fuck are they? You got to lie to them. Fuck them. There you go, people.

That's what you start your Monday off with. You lie to no one. You look them in the fucking face. You tell them what's on your mind. And if they're on board, they stick around. Fuck them. You still got a mission to do. And that's our fucking podcast for a Monday.

I hope you guys go out there and have a smoking day. I'm sorry. I kept you here a half hour, but Josh Wolf and me, we go back. So we had to talk some shit. Leah, you know, I love you. Who's playing tonight, Lee? I have no idea. You have no fucking idea.

Oh, I do. Kansas City and Pittsburgh. Oh, Jesus Christ. Pittsburgh's doing it. Pittsburgh's not. You talked to the Dickie Syat yesterday. Send them our love to your dad and listen, guys. Thank you.

I'm sorry. I kept you guys from watching your pussy. It's Monday. If you fucking stayed along, you learned a lot of shit today about me robbing safes and caring about kids and how I got my honesty was from a fucking movie. You know, just lie to no one. Go out there. Fucking tell them what's on your mind.

If they're on board, they're on board and not. They could suck your dick. It's your fucking playing field. Hit me, Lee. What do you got for Uncle Joey? I opened up the album Santana 68. I'm gonna play the first one. All right.

Do it. Do it. Do it. This is just crazy. Thank you very much for listening. I'll be at the Arizona club, the comedy spot in Scottsdale Thursday or Friday and Saturday, four shows, Friday, two shows, Saturday. It's 100 to sit down.

It's 100 people. So get your tickets quick. This will sell out. It's 400 fucking seats. I love you guys. Have a great fucking day. Have a great week. But today is your day, man.

Stick with whatever you're fucking doing. Look at me and Lee. Lee's a fucking savage. I love this motherfucker. Lee, the countdown to your fart in the face. That's a big gun. Hit us with some Santana. Have a great day, people.

Vote for Beauty and the Beast podcast with podcast awards. Give it some love. We're not doing it. What else we got, Lee? You have to push. I don't even know. Testicle Testaments is still on board. Get all three of them.

The CD is still on board. The documentaries. For some reason, people have been ordering and asking about the documentary like, hell, where I got my ballstrom is on payloads and where I got my ballstrom is on Amazon. I love you guys. Have a great week. I'll start you today. Stay black.

Hit me, Lee, you bad motherfucker. Oh, shit. Look at Lee shaking. Shake it, Lee. Shake it, you mad motherfucker. Oh, I'm putting these on YouTube now on the Mad Flavors World channel. So they'll be up there live within a day or two of an airing. Thank you very much for listening, man.

Have a great day. Here you go. What? Do it, Lee. Shake that ass. Oh, shit. Thank you very much for listening, man. Have a great day.

Here you go. What? Do it, Lee. Shake that ass. Oh, shit. Thank you.