Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/13/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #127

Episode Date: November 13, 2013

Conor Heun calls in. Also, the National Anthem is back! This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 11/13/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church that's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. No the other one. Jesus fucking Christ. Crank that motherfucker. It's Wednesday, October 13th. It don't matter what fucking day it is. You're a fucking savage and savages it

don't matter. They sling dick on Sundays. They stab their own grandmother on a Saturday. They don't give a fuck. Let's do this motherfucker. Crank that nigga fucking Lee. Crank that motherfucker. What? It's Wednesday. Do some squats. Jerk off on what? I don't give a fuck. It's guerrilla radio. I need you motherfucking prepared. Anybody takes a gun out in front of you. It's the last fucking moves I'll ever goddamn make. You're just looking at them or melting. Kill it, Lee. Are you fucking kidding me? Somebody's gonna give you shit today. Are you fucking kidding me? Toasty shake. Two eggs. Some fucking bacon. Some toast. Some fucking cottage cheese. I hate cottage cheese too. What the fuck am I thinking? That's bad advice. I'm sorry people.

What's happening? You bad motherfuckers. It's Wednesday, October 11th. You got flavor and the fucking best Jew walking. You understand me? Since Jesus made a comeback. Until Jesus made a comeback. This guy and my brother Ari. And don't forget my brother Ari Shafiz in Austin, fucking Texas. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. If you don't go down there and see fucking Ari, don't even fucking run with me no more. You understand me? He got so high this morning he went to the wrong airport. Who? Ari? Did he? No, he did not. He made the flight though. I love that dude. He's such a fucking mook sometimes for a Jew. He's always fucking slipping. He's like, what's happening? You bad motherfuckers. We're here. It's Wednesday. You should be

feeling great about fucking life about yourself. So what? So what? You have a bump. So who gives a fuck? You could overturn that. You know what I'm saying? Don't worry about nothing today. You got Uncle Joey here. What's up dog? Everything all right? Everything's perfect dude. You got five hours of sleep last night. Are you fucking nuts or what? Are you fucking nuts or what? What times did you go to bed last night? I like I started like 11 11 30 and I finally fall asleep probably around midnight. I gotta tell you some people. I had the fucking best day yesterday. What happened? I uh let me see what did I do? I gotta go do looping for the movie one more time to get it ready for television. Oh, already getting ready for television. So I went early and then there was a fucking ton

of traffic. I was supposed to go for my blood test to Hollywood. The light changed three times by Warner Brothers and the car didn't move. Oh, I hate that. I said, fuck it. I made the fucking abandoned ship left turn right turn and I came home. I went to jujitsu and I'll tell you what. Fucking shroom tech. That's all I got to say. Fucking shroom tech sport. Yeah, shroom tech sport. You know, give it a shot. I went there yesterday. I felt like a fucking yesterday was on the best jujitsu days I had. It's funny because somebody on Twitter said to me yesterday, how's the jujitsu going? I told him, I just suck, man. Yesterday I held my own. I broke people's posture. I held them in my fucking closed guard. You know, I uh I took them into my guard.

I went right into I pulled guard in the beginning because if not, I'm gonna be wrestling losing my breath. I ain't got time. I'm trying to get out of my fucking back. So it was great. And then I went to acupuncture and I brought the baby and my wife and Dr. Amy, you know, she sends her love as usual. I love Dr. Amy. So I went to Dr. Amy yesterday. She cut me. She fucking stuck 92 needles in me and then from there I took the uh I ate like two edibles after acupuncture. I ate two goomy bears. No, you didn't. Yes, I fucking did. I ate two of those things and I forgot I ate them like I thought I had eaten one and then I said did I eat them? Oh, this is the one I ate and then I realized I saw the empty wrap and I go it's gonna be a long afternoon. I went to

the mall Sherman Oaks Galleria. Oh, can't believe you went somewhere. I love it. I love the Sherman Oaks Galleria. No, I love that too but not on 400 milligrams of edibles. Oh, they had a pizza place in there. Yeah. They had a slice of pizza and a salad. Uh I had to get some belts, you know, because I bought some belts at the Fat Man store and I broke right through them. Plus I'm losing weight. It's not it's not only anymore in the last loop and then from there they have an amusement park there. Like not an amusement park but like maybe 30 yards that's blocked off for kids of the three feet. Oh, right. And I took my daughter there and she was running around. I'm looking at her playing with these kids. Oh, she's running around playing? Oh, fuck yeah. She was chasing a little boy. She

was chasing a little Chinese girl. Oh, no. It was fucking classic and I'm sitting there going you know what, you don't need money to experience that type of bliss in your life. I'm 50. I wish I had the luck that some of you guys had to be able to do things like that with your families, you know. When I was a kid I had one great experience with my mother. She took me sledding in New York after we got like nine feet of fucking snow but it wasn't the sledding that was important. I understood where my mother came from every night. My mother got home and went to bed at four though. She wasn't like regular moms that went to bed at 10 o'clock and she would still be up at eight. So that morning for her to be up at eight and to take me sledding and pulling me on the

streets, to me that was total bliss. For years I had those pictures growing up of me in the snow and her pulling me. Oh, really man? And it was just that was the last time I experienced that and people don't look at those little things in life. Like they don't remember those little moments. It's not about being in Hawaii, you know, swimming with fucking Don Ho. It's about the little things when your family took your camping and a beast on you, you know, but they were all there for you. That's the shit that lasts forever that you can't pay for. Can't pay for that, Lee. Yeah, I bet you had a hot chocolate when you got home or something like that. Last night? No, no, no. From sledding. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was just a perfect day but

it wasn't the sledding that counted. I just know what she went through to takes me sledding. And I'm 50. I never forgot that memory but I'm sitting there yesterday and I'm watching her chasing this Chinese little girl. The girl was beautiful. And then another lady came from New Jersey and my daughter was chasing the kid. And then the kid was chasing my daughter. My wife looked at the girl and goes, at least he's got good taste. So we were talking, we talked to them. And it was just, it doesn't matter what you do at that point. You're just a fucking concerned parent. And I also noticed that there was, you know, 90 women and three guys. Yeah. And how lucky am I to have that opportunity to be able to go and watch her play. And I work, you know, me fuckingly. I do more

shit than, you know, it's funny. I'm writing a chapter about friendship in the book, you know. And it really, it's about this lady who used to take care of me when I was a baby. And her and my mother, I talked about it in the testicle testaments and stuff. Her name was Zorida. Oh, yeah. It's all the only people I've really over fucked over. Like I really fucked her over because I was young, I didn't know any better. And I remember how my mother in those days, from the ages of three to six guys, I was in my mother all day. And when I mean all day, I mean, from nine in the morning to four fucking night, unless I had school. But her daily, she must have gotten into no exaggeration, 10 cabs a day.

10 cabs a day. And you know, like her morning would start at nine and she would just keep going. She would get a cab, go to the Bronx, get the fucking bookmaking thing open, talk to some people, go to another meeting. From there, we'd stop, we'd get lunch, she'd go home, take a shower, another cab into Jersey. She'd open up the bar, get the bar ready at bartender, we'd get there about two. We'd get into another cab, eat a late lunch in New York, go to a Mac game, or go to the fucking track, get home about six, take a shower, she'd cook. And then boom, she had to leave a fucking hour later to go work tonight. And then she came home and did it all over again, six days of fucking weekend. Oh my God. And there's days I see where I get that from. Because you know,

there's days by 11 o'clock, I've already killed a fucking Jap. I fucking, you know, made a bagel, I've already met in Hollywood. I already did this, I already did that. And I love it. I like to do like today, I got nine things to do, but they're all done at 1230. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm done at 1230 till tonight, whether I want to get on stage or whatever the fuck I want to do, you know. So it's amazing. I got up at four, I wrote a paragraph in the fucking book, but it's really interesting. What I learned when I write in there about my life, I learned that, like I'm writing about friendship, like I never really knew about friendship. I thought that friends just really, and then I knew this lady growing up, my mom would always

stop at a house. It was 113th and Fifth Avenue, the mouth of Spanish Harlem, where Spanish Harlem meets Central Park. Okay. And it's a fucking horrible neighborhood. At night, it was a horrible neighborhood. Zorida was her name. She was a Cuban woman, and my mother pulled out of a bad situation when they were kids. My mom went and picked her up with my father in Chicago, her husband was beating her, and so my mom drove from New York to Chicago and pulled her out of there in the dead of the winter. And Zorida always felt she owed my mother. Zorida ended up becoming a fucking millionaire. Oh, I'm selling blow and heroin, you know, in the streets of New York, just little packages of heroin and coke. She became a fucking millionaire. She bought a house and went, I don't remember the

fuck. And then about a year before my mother died, she was always over the house taking care of my mother, making sure my mother had Doremi, and I would just watch this lady, and I didn't really pay attention to it. Then my mother died, and that's when this lady went to work. You know, six years ago Marilyn Martinez died right before I stopped doing blow, right about that time. And I went to the wake, and I was like a detective at the wake. If you fucking die, let me tell you some people, if you want a fucking asshole to go to your wake, please leave it in the will, and I will go to your wake, let me know who fucked you over in life, and I'll make sure they don't show up. And if they do show up, I'll make sure to hit him in the fucking head with a with a mass card or

whatever the fuck they have, because nothing bothers me more than that, because I take it back to my mom's, how all these people showed up at my mom's wake and said they were gonna help me out, and then after a week after she was fucking dead and gone, they wouldn't even take my calls. But Zahraida always took my call, and the only way she'd take my call, she'd get in a cab and come from fucking Spanish Harlem, and bring me to $300 to Jersey. And I did this for years with this woman. Then I got to the point where I would just go over there and get it plus blow, she'd get me without a fuck I wanted. And then eight years in 1984, I went off the deep end, and I beat her for like a half ounce of coke, and I didn't call her for four months. And when I

called her, everything she was worth, everything in her life had been taken away. She got arrested, somebody broke into a house, they broke into a house and robbed her. And when the cops came, they found more drugs and took her to fucking jail, and then she fell and broke her leg, and she goes, nobody was here for me. And I did the math. For five years after my mother died, that lady stuck it out with me. That lady paid for my mother's tombstone. Nobody would pay for my mother's tombstone. She would be fucking paying for the tombstone. And that's when I learned what happened was, I called her one day, and she was telling me all this, what had happened, and what happened to me, and where I was off the deep end. I had been in Miami in LA, just on a fucking everybody over

tour. And she was one of the victims of that tour. And I remember calling her and she said all these things to me that she couldn't get a hold of me, and she didn't know, and where was her help now that she needed me. And I remember just hanging up the phone and never even looking back. Like I was just embarrassed, I felt bad. But I said, I got two options here. I could either be a fucking scumbag about it. She showed me a very valuable gift that a lot of people don't have in life. Like when my mother died, all these people came through from me as friends. Until today, you know, I talk to them every, on the way here, I talk to two of them on the car drive. Just, you know, one guy called me last night, I called him back, and I had to call George for something.

Those are two kids I grew up with. But she showed me, I said from now on, out of respect to her, I'm going to treat people the way she treated my mother. If I love somebody, I'm going to love until the end. Because that's what she did. She was a real friend to my mother. I mean, you don't see that in life. Did she pass away? You know, I went home. I know that she would go to the grave once a fucking month. Oh, your mom's grave? Wow. And at one point, the flower's just stopped. So when I go to my mom's grave, now I'm the only person that goes there. All those people are gone. They're in their 70s, and you know, that memory is well gone. But it's just fucking amazing how I learned to gift a friendship from this woman because she was the real deal. She really

looked after me. Even after she died, she stayed in the house with me for two or three weeks, just for me to get acclimated. She'd give me go. You know, at that time, I wasn't doing powder or nothing like that. I was just smoking reefer and doing THC, crystal and shit like that. Now, I know a lot of people offered, but why didn't you, did she offer to have you moving with her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She wanted me to move in with her, but she wasn't a fucking city, man. She was, she was just crazy or crazy to my mother. You know, so I didn't need that shit at that time. I already had enough problems on my fucking arm. Lee, Lee, Leland, you bad motherfucker. What's happening, baby? So you got three more days of work. What are you going to do with your life?

Fuck yeah. What the fuck are you going to do with your life? It's kind of, it's scary, but it's, I'm going to try to do this full time. And we'll see. Cause there's no like, you know, every like the past couple of days, there's been a few job postings for what I do, but there's not really anything until the beginning of the year. Yeah. So just take six weeks off. We'll figure this out. We'll get this all ready for, we'll get the tour ready for after the movie. Let me ask you something that was really interesting. I don't know if you're seeing this shit when, you know, you, you had the idea, I don't know, you introduced me to your dad, real neat guy, a sweet guy. I could see where you get it, you know, and you told me that they have his picture

in a lot of places in Boston. Oh yeah. I think that there's a couple of restaurants. I named after him or sandwich, the Dickie, Seattle, whatever the fuck. And it's so weird that, you know, guys, life is a fucking motherfucker. Don't ever turn your back on anything. You know, everybody's, everybody has a dad and your fucking dad does something, you know, and a couple of times as a kid, you went to work with your dad and either you said, yay or fucking yay, you know, either you go, I could dig this or you go, that ain't for me. Your dad was always a radio DJ. He was a radio DJ for 25 years. And then he did a nightclub parties for 25 years. Like when he'd get up and go party people. No, he did a, he did a singles talk show on the radio.

Like that's the main thing he did. And then he started doing it at nightclubs. Like he would say like, if you're single, come out to the whatever he like, he was kind of like, he was, he was what I think about it. A modern day. Well, he did like Cupid stuff, but he was a hospital. Like he would go to this nightclub in Rhode Island and on Tuesdays and then this one on Thursdays and he had like five or six nightclubs and he did it like four or five, six nights a week. And yeah, he did it for basically all of my childhood up until like end of middle school or something. And then he actually, he had a meeting with some internet people about he's like, what if like you could do something online? And they told him he was an idiot.

And then matched match.com came out and no one wanted to go to nightclubs anymore. But then he worked in restaurants and he, he did, he, when he started doing radio, he dropped out of college just because he was already on radio. So he did the rest of it. He just did from job to job. So think about it. Now you're thinking of starting your own podcast, which is basically radio 3D. Oh yeah. And you know, Willie, you might be really good. In fact, I know you're going to be good at it. So around, it was a complete circle. Yeah. You're doing what your dad was fucking doing. And you're like, I hate what my dad did, but around entertainment runs in your blood, bro. You know, and you find a way to be in the

entertainment business. That's the thing about the entertainment business. You could be as close as you want to be, or you could be in the front office. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And there's different front offices. Right now you're in the front office. And now you're going to switch over and do your own podcast. You never thought about fucking this one. You were going to college chatting and listen to kids tell you about this cinematic. You never thought you know what I'm saying? It's so fucking weird how you think about where you're going to end up as a young man and it's the most fucking place you least fucking expected. Okay. Oh yeah. I would never, if you had given me a million dollars, I would never have said even this, like even someone, someone

said something next to me yesterday. He said, uh, he said, uh, you're really finding your voice. And, uh, I appreciate it. Cause like I just, if you listen to the early ones, I probably barely spoke and even now the first three, that's it. After that, I set you loose after that. You had no, you know, at first it's so weird how I had to get you. I had to bust your balls and then you stop it. And now you're, you're, you're busting my balls. You have your own fucking. So it's just really weird. I see the growth of this podcast, but it's really weird. You're coming back to entertainment and you never fucking realized that shit. How you, uh, you know, see what I'm saying, fucking people, it's Wednesday. Wash your feet, fucking put some anti-fungal between your toes.

It's getting deep out there. It's going to be 90 degrees in California. Is it really? On a Wednesday, November 13th, I called my uncle last night. I was thinking of doing a podcast with him and Duncan trust with my fucking uncle. So hard to get ahold of that slinging dick. No, he's going one of those beaches today. Oh really? Yeah, with some girl. He's 70 fucking six years old. He's going to some fucking beach Huntington Beach Laguna Beach. Oh yeah? Yeah. You know, I can't get fucking, and then, you know, it's hysterical because when he acts weird, my cousins call me like, why is he acting like this way? Like he hasn't, you know, he's 76. He's living his life. You know, this life to be 76, be financially free, to wake up and get up. I mean, he gets up in the

morning and by fucking principle, he walks five miles up Griffith Park. Wow. And from there, he goes home, he has a couple egg omelets, and he's juicing now. He's on the G. He bought a juicer and Q combo. But I understand he wants to, now he's having such a good time. He's like, I don't want no mistakes. I want to live forever. So he wants to close the bar now and my my cousin's don't want to, you know, he has an award-winning bar down there. We could take it over Lee, but it's in fucking Vermont and hell, which we're going to get beat up every fucking Friday and Saturday night. So we got to take it, gut it out. But his side of the bar would be fucking tremendous because he's got two parts to the bar. He's got a bowling alley converted into a dance hall.

The bowling alley is still there. He just knocked down the middle pieces. But if you want to run on the fucking floor, I think they covered the the alleys, the bowling alleys, so nobody could floor hurt themselves. He's had the fucking place since he's had the place since. I can see you owning a bar. You know, I liked it, but I don't want to roll around on the fucking floor every Friday and Saturday. And I know how to run a bar. I know how to run a successful bar, especially in today's economy, because today you just couldn't have a bar. If you think you're going to have a bar, it's not going to work out for you. Really? How many bars do you see just thriving? It's either old school, like by our house, by my house, there's a gay bar. You ever see it across in the

wheat store where I go to? I'm Burbank Boulevard. There's a fucking tremendous gay bar. I mean, it smells like fucking condoms and dick in there. You go in there, it's a small place. It's a fucking perfect bar for a guy like me. That's what I could work with, because I could take a small place, put a little food there every night, some sports, have a fucking general hospital night, have a Sopranos afternoon, have a fucking bad, whatever, breaking bad night. That's how you do it. Then you have to have karaoke. You got to have comedy. You got to have somebody down there selling some pills or something in the fucking bathroom. Yeah, you know, you gotta have somebody go listen, just give me 10 points of the action. You got my fucking blessing going and sell what

you can. People want to hang out at a place where it's family fun. They could do it. When you go to an amusement park, if you go and there's no ferris wheel, would you hang out there? No. No, that's the fucking ferris wheel. Do them blow in the bathroom and get your dicks up. I would love to have that, like in TV and stuff, where everyone has a bar they go to after work. I don't have that. I don't know if it's because I live here in the valley and it's kind of dead, but I always heard about that on TV in movies, you always hear, oh, I always go to this bar after work. People always do that shit, but you want to go to cheese and hang out with the fucking mailman and talk about what I would love to help. It's crazy. You just said how I'm doing the stuff I did,

what my dad did, how, what would happen if you opened a bar, like in like however many years after your mom did. Uncle Joey's joint. Are you fucking kidding me? Listen, what I saw my mom do was magic. To this day, I didn't see nothing like that because she really had three different client towels. And I don't know how she catered to all the different three client towels. My client towels ran on the tail end of all the other ones. A daytime clientele was the bus station, the people in the area, a few cops, a few fucking, and then the bookies were coming around 2230. Then once the fucking white collar would leave, the black collar would come in, the bookie people would come in, a couple drug guys around six o'clock, then the bar would die until about 930. Then about 10,

all hell would break loose. Yeah, that's why you gotta, even if you just had like a burger or then about one all hell broke loose because once New York City came over every day of the week, every day of the week, seven nights a week and fucking one in the morning to three at my mother's bar was a cash cow. It was people, it was bookies, drug dealers, everybody at the end of that day flashing their wares. Everybody wants to flash their wares, brother. Everybody wants to show that they had a good day. I did 2000 and book make and I sold the kilo to the fucking white Jews. You know, this is it, buy him a drink, buy him a drink, give him all the fucking drink. That barring good fellas where they kill the guy Billy Bats, that was my mother's bar.

Those dirty dumps like that, those are the money machines because the more shit you got, the more shit is capable of breaking. Only a certain type of people going to that bar. People want to be fucked up and left alone and they'll sit there all day. You want the guy that comes in and every month gives you a social security check and says, tell me when it runs out. And he comes in every day like clockwork and he has three beers. And then what you do is even though you don't have a kitchen or you don't have a bill that's have a kitchen, so what? Every day you buy a pound of fucking ham with some American cheese from fucking Thumans and you get some Italian bread and you make a sandwich and you cut it up into little slices and you put it on the

bar under a bakery thing. So God forbid somebody's fucking hungry. That means a lot. It's the little things you do in a bar that go furthest. That's what people have never understood. Well, we have a hat right away. They want to give it away. I rather give you a free sandwich and you pay six dollars for the drink. Oh yeah. Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Everybody's got a fucking happy hour. That's everybody's got a happy hour. You got to figure out your own niche. So don't drop your pants on the money. Just give them a happy hour. Give them a happy hour. I'd rather give you something for free and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Next thing you know, bam, you're in there hanging out anyway. You know, what I've told, I said a thousand times, 2013. Right now,

customer service is going to be king. Everybody's going to, you know, I see how they lie already. Last year after the holidays, they published a report that it was one of the best fucking sale on holidays online. Okay. You'd have to be a fucking idiot to leave your house, except maybe once or twice this holiday season. Because if I know Lee wears a two X or one X or whatever, I can go to Amazon. Yeah. By the way, please remind me, we got to get an Amazon portal. We have one. Oh, we do? Or is it? It's on the website. It should be. No, it's not. You got to tell me where it is and send it to Scott. Okay. Okay. Because everybody keeps asking me, where's the portal? So fucking, what was I talking about? Yeah, the other day, I'm watching fucking Diane

Sawyer and they threw a fucking fib at me. They said that last year, the year before sales that went up 10% last year, they went up 3% over the year before that. That's bullshit. That's fucking bullshit because only a fucking idiot would not stay home and order Amazon. They got this new thing on Amazon, where you fucking get to premiere or something. My wife joined it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Next day delivery on the cat food, my head gel. My wife gets 90 fucking things from that thing. Every time I go home, there's a box on the fucking thing. Diapers. Yeah. I mean, at that point, and we don't even have, I think we have it, but we're not sponsored by them. But yeah, like people get like toilet paper from them and stuff. I cannot fucking, I cannot tell

you the advantages of not leaving your fucking house. Listen, every time you leave, you pay car insurance, right or wrong. Every time you leave your house, a strong spaghetti against the wall, you might get hit by somebody. Even if you're fucking Johnny bananas and you're not related to no Chinese people, you might get hit just the way it is. You might get hit. You got hit. How many fucking times last year? Oh, a couple years ago, three, three fucking times. You didn't do none. You're the sweetest guy in the fucking world. You're driving the right hand lane. You put your blankies on. So, but that kind of how how people go to your bar then. No, we're talking about fucking Amazon. What do you think? I'm gonna send you a drink on Amazon cocksucker.

What I'm talking about is customer service and how they lied to us. They said that no, only a couple people went up percentages last year. Fuck, you want to be one of those idiots and run through fucking Walmart and the fucking Thanksgiving Day really? No, the fuck is wrong with your life. Can we get this thing? Wait, this is what we used to kill fucking animals. There you go, brother. Oh, shit. That's some good fucking reefer right there. That's called fucking the devil. Oh, gee, from divine. There's a divine one on this. No, I went to divine one else the day before for frostbite. Fucking tremendous weed. This is from NoHo Organic. This is something fucking, they got some good weed over there, bro. No Organic. Those Armenians

ain't fucking around. Those Armenians ain't fucking around just like you should not be this afternoon. Tell you what, son, is it an anarchy last night? Yeah. Did you watch it? No. It's getting deep. I have to catch up on Netflix once I have time. I'm gonna start fucking next week. Season seven. What are you gonna start? Season seven. By the time you watch, you'll be 90 fucking two years old. No, watch on Netflix. But I had something weird I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to talk to you about a Monday and I forgot. What? You got a leakage? Huh? Yeah, yeah, my inner leakage. Side note, I love when you call me and I'm eating and you ask me what meaning and it's Mediterranean. I hope that's why I call you every time just because I just love

I can't imagine what your ass goes gonna smell like. You eat that shit every day that fucking come up. Wait till I fucking wait. When should we go to one of those places and they make you suck a fucking come up with a turban on? You gotta be jumping up and down. This is really restaurant but anyways, we're finishing up the CD and Augustino, the guy who was on the podcast and if you go to some of your shows, he's gonna open it up for you. My main man came over and helped me listen to it and we changed it because I can't listen to that shit no one can't stand my fucking voice. Yeah, but we were talking and for anyone out there who's creative or whatever you it's called the way they they sell to you in school is called killing your darlings or whatever.

It's when you have to cut stuff out because you get I get even me who I didn't say and I get attached to it when I'm editing it and he came in and he's not he's not attached to it because he didn't edit it or say it so he's like oh cut this cut this and I was really hesitant and I didn't want to but I did and it really helped and when I was talking to you the other day about how how you have to like listen to what you're saying and even as a comedian you probably have to kill jokes that you on paper you love but they just don't work. Listen man uh this time I sit around yeah and I'll be fucking whatever in the bathroom fixing the carpet and I'll think of something I run into the room and write it down it's a funny fucking expression

and there's not much I do with it so it's a throwaway line guess what Lee I got 80,000 those things a day yeah I am not attached to any joke I am we don't get attached to no I am very I always want to improve on the joke if the joke ain't going nowhere I'm done with a couple years ago I went to Jersey I swear to god I went to a vfw and I seen a cougar that had one of those cancer holes and she was working it yeah and people were fucking hitting on it because nobody's ever fucked a chick with a cancer hole in their neck I'm sorry about saying this I gotta say this story you know to me when I saw it I nearly fucking died yeah as a visual I was watching guys hit on this 58 year old woman who had cancer and no voice and she forgot her voice box that night

and went commando with the hole in her throat oh she didn't wear the thing over no she didn't wear the curtains there was no curtains this fucking lady was getting hit on by 30 year old guys why because she was very attractive she was okay nice body but maybe it's because she had that fucking cancer hole in her throat and I hate to say this fucking story to me I wanted to let people know about that I couldn't make it funny really there was nothing I heard you do like once or twice and nothing funny about that I moved on if I say a joke two three four times and it ain't going nowhere let's move on I know when I sit there and I'm trying to ride at my house or at the coffee shop I want a plane that it's not going nowhere that's okay once I get on stage and it

ain't going nowhere three or four times kill that motherfucker send it to somebody maybe they could do something with it now when you were first starting out what was it hard for you to realize you kept trying to go this day you know my first funny joke was what something about Godzilla really god's what what if Godzilla attacked us can you imagine Godzilla coming out of the huts and he'd be coughing with pollution and I don't even know you know George told me this one time that this one time we were reading the paper and this is exactly what it said that the captain of the Puerto Rican Navy or something like that had crashed into one of the docks in New York this is a true story this isn't a funny joke in them that he had crashed into one of

the docks in New York and everybody on the boat had to jump into the Hudson River yeah so the joke was the Puerto Rican Navy busted into a barge today 84 Puerto Rican sailors had to jump out of the boat that ain't nothing new you know you look at what you started with yeah and you transgressed her like right now i'm telling stories but in my heart i know they're fucking too long i know they're fucking too long oh people love it i know they're too long these stories are too long i could make them a little funny in the middle but i'm stretching it too so i gotta either fill the gap so every day i'm trying to change my style up you it pisses me off oh it pisses me off i don't know why you for whatever reason you want to be mitch headberg you're like that

that would be your dream and oh maybe like his style of jokes though you love quick you everyone loves your stories and every time you listen to other stories too long no people let's that's what all the i can't take that fucking you're beating from somebody i tell myself joey speed it up this times i'm on stage telling myself joey we gotta get somewhere cocksucker let's go and you just stop in the middle of a joke like if i if because i listened to like four shows i listened like 12 shows over the past couple months but uh all these comedians all they ever talk about on any podcast or whatever so i'm just getting the storytelling and i love it you you've been doing storytelling the guy i gotta get out of it i just want to write these quick jokes oh god

i don't want that fucking long winded shit in my life you know what i'm saying let's get to it and let's move on you're gonna smoke some reef i just did you smoke so much you forgot about it what time is it six 45 okay i don't know what time did you smoke we've happened six 42 i've seen you smoked up about 10 to fucking six nothing lately yeah i just came over there yeah absolutely watching you cocksucker just in case you want to evolve as a fucking comedian as a plumber as a chef as anything you want to do you always want to evolve and get better even if it's a little bit every day you want to try something new yes i have comics that i aspire to be like there's eight of them there's eight of them i know that i'm a big fucking fan of

i gotta find the happy medium in there you know i like run white i like stanhope run white's fun i like that i like bill burr oh good yeah you know so i gotta go somewhere between bill burr and run white bill burr's all stories and and run and run white tell stories bill burr is rance and fucking and stanhope i like all those styles i wish i could fusion them together i like prior style i love lenny bruce's style lenny bruce is the patois the timing of lenny bruce was what used to fucking get me that little beat lenny bruce has a jazz in his comedy julius erving had a jazz in his basketball yeah you don't think you have that jazz i absolutely think you do i do sometimes well you do it i hear it sometimes but i steal it from lenny

bruce great everyone and he probably stole from someone else no i don't steal it the patois from because i love that's what no that's what i'm saying if i can have the patois of lenny bruce the storytelling of run white and the punctuality of mitch headberg god that would be a fucking perfect i don't even care people laugh at me that would be my ideal uh style style you know like that that that jazz that jazz and some people have it in their baseball you know who used to have jazz in his baseball man he remembers oh yeah and the picture from boston that was there picture martinez when he pitched clements had jazz and his uh uh when you read a steven king book he's got jazz and his writing somewhere in the room he hear music and then i read something about him that when he

writes he likes to listen to music loud metallic and shit and i get it now the rhythm is in your fucking beats who the fuck is calling me at this time of the fucking night here why people bother me and shit at seven the fucking morning uh it's just amazing how uh i see that in a lot of actors you know as fucking crazy as jack nicholson is oh i watched the bucket list the other day have you seen the bucket list with the black guy i saw the previews not a bad movie and that was probably his last movie he's old and that he's really fucking old yeah you could see that he he's too uh vain you know if he starts looking old he ain't gonna work and i could see in that when he's starting to look old morgan freedman morgan freedman dies i watched the last hour of it

and i was watching and i wasn't i like to put mailman always rings twice with angelica houston he's got some great fucking movies dog but he has a jazz even in the movie hell's rider with him an easy rider there's a jazz in this acting there really is a jazz in this fucking acting what about what about the guy in regiments nero like he must he has a jazz peccino does too yeah peccino does too and peccino really has it and scarface he has that jazz and uh the devil's advocate he really has that jazz so it's just really weird to see you could see it in athletes you could see it and you know who's got a jazz there's a show on nicolody and two young girls cat and whatever the oh two broke girls no that's on cbs coxsack i'm on niggas a kids show that's

a young girl on a show that i'm looking at her the other day and i could tell this girl's going to take over television really yeah she's 21 now when she's 30 she has a certain jazz construction guys when they build you could hear their hammer to have a certain jazz to them so it's just yeah but like that's kind of what you're like you keep saying you want to evolve but like all like let's say all the basketball players or baseball players they had when they got to where they had the way they did it and the biggest thing especially for sports is consistency you want to be good but you also want to do it every time i always want to bring a new joke up to the table but that's the thing if you want to but you want to bring a new joke

which is great but you you don't want to change it'd be like if peter martinez right no every every game a knuckleball one game and a curve ball i agree with you but tell that to your fucking ego tell that to your fucking brain you know tell that to you because it's not your heart and your soul it's your brain trying to out fucking bring you and then i'll bring you and then on saturday late show you finally get what you have to do in san francisco that's what you do all the time you always say i'm gonna bring it this show and then and then all the other shows were great and then you just you how you psych yourself up for it which is uh it's crazy it's i mean i can't i can't even psych yourself up you ain't got shit in your fucking life if you can't psych yourself

up you shouldn't even get out of fucking bed but you're even psyched up you're already listen you gotta learn how to psych yourself up and there's a couple switches that you just got and i'm no fucking anthony robbins i'm not gonna tell you to go walk on colds but there's certain things about your own life that you fucking know there's a certain pain that you have in your fucking life that you know about and when you psych yourself up you tap into that pain and you go to yourself i don't ever want this again it's either me or this motherfucker there's certain nights where i don't know what happens to me though i just get so fucking furious you know rogan and redban and those guys know to get success out of me you gotta tweak me a little you gotta put a thing

of ranch dressing in the dressing room you gotta you gotta put something hummus around me before i go on stage you gotta talk about astronauts fucking cell phones and eye bands and you know you gotta do that for like eight minutes and then at the fucking seven minutes of eight mark i'm gonna go off and you're just gonna laugh because you know it you've planned it no matter what comes out of my mouth you cannot get mad at me you cannot call me out just let me go because that's it you've reached what you wanted you're gonna get the best show possible on me because i'm gonna go up there so fucking angry so fucking angry you know i'm saying that and i love it because that anger isn't at them yeah it's it's it's not an anger at anybody in the room it's not anger about nothing

it's just an anger that inside of me that i gotta tap into to go out there and be at a certain fucking level you're warming up yeah fighters gotta do it singers gotta do it you gotta get out there and sling some fucking dick and then your personal life you really gotta get out there you know when you get fired up when you're brushing your teeth when that shower is hot and it's getting hot and the steam comes up over the fucking time yeah and you're brushing your teeth listen fuck you fuck your fucking coffee fuck your fucking spirulina fuck your fucking breakfast bowl fuck everything if you don't check into the motherfucker that's got that spark inside of you that makes you want to get up and go to work and show these cunts that you're worth the

fucking money that they're paying some fucking scumbag fucking $19 an hour and here you are doing everything and they're paying you $8 an hour you know what today's the day i'm gonna show these motherfuckers that i'm worth that and you put 10 of those together you got yourself a deadly fucking animal you understand me that's that's just the way it is you know eddie bravo i talked to me he goes i was listening to the podcast you're fired up in the room that's right that's right i'm fucking fired up and i got a family at home and i'm happy and i'm not mad at nobody but you gotta tap into something i gotta tap into the mornings when i woke up and there was nothing to eat i tapped into that the mornings i used to wake up and i

knew i had to take a shower and walk to a diner and ask mr charlie to put it on the fucking arm i had no money for breakfast and i'd eat my breakfast and while i was eating my fucking breakfast that's when i made my plan for the day i had 35 minutes to write my fucking plan while i was eating the breakfast and when i left that breakfast i told mr charlie i'd see him by five o'clock but i tell him some lies i had to go pick up an unemployment check there was no check the check was you bitch the check was me bumping into a motherfucker some grape who said you know that was the check so and that's the way i went out that age and that's the way i go out every fucking day at 50 and that's the way you should be fucking thinking your eyes open yes that that's

sherman o's gallery you don't think i watch everybody to see what was in their fucking bags to see what the fuck you know you got your kids now in a public place you gotta keep your fucking eyes open look at the iphone still oh my god fuck you keep your eyes open there's some fucking 23 year old that they kidnapped and sherman oaks and they gave some fucking bat juice to in a weapon where these kids getting these fucking guns at they put them in a car to hypnotize them they put needles in their head they tongue fuck the tsa and they give them a fucking a machine gun and a fucking canteen and they sent to lax so you know what we gotta fucking stop not we we in our fucking heads fuck these cock suckers ain't nobody shooting us not today not

today was tomorrow's dream by black Sabbath this is the song that kept me alive every fucking day because no matter what happens today bitch we got tomorrow and then you could stab in the neck then you can fuck them in the ass and sit back with your dick up in the air bleeding and shit you know i'm saying like a sword with somebody's fucking eyeball on it what ah get up cock suckers get over here i need it after that well get over here smokes and dope this

shit that's it i'm fucking fed up with you motherfucker stop crying so thank god you remembered about the music i was like how am i gonna fuck it how am i gonna talk to that i gotta have fun with you guys people i have not all about fucking seriousness we gotta fucking break it up a little bit i gotta get you fired up for the weekend that's it veterans day whether they nobody shot nobody what's up leak fuck what are you thinking in israel what's going on with the jews you checking with them lately yeah i think that actually was just a um i think i

don't know anything about it but i think there was just like a terrorist attack there i'm not trying to fuck with us i'm not gonna use it too tough you gotta fucking you have to blow that fucking town up with already has a in the in the first uh storytellers thing that uh that he did uh he had a story about he he was going to a bus and uh he went and got a snack or whatever and in the bus line about like one of those bombs went off and how he he just missed it by like 30 seconds so it's uh that that that's something like i'm thankful for that i don't wake up and have to think about it like that's something they have to think about and they've aerated sirens and that it's not that's not the only country that that happens in any country where

you can wake up and how you have to like you really have to look out where you're going like it happens once every couple months here and three people but it's fucking messed up what's up there's my man kind of human and shit in the house how you doing buddy you know me dog over here having a good time with the flying juice smoking dope getting giggly and shit at seven in the morning how you been go tell me what's going on how you doing we doing good corner how you doing buddy you know i'm just up early man drink to my coffee i'm uh i'm hitting the foam roller the uh the softball the pvc pipe doing the things i gotta do to keep my uh body working all right

and you know then i'll be uh heading into work you're really putting it together kind of human you're really putting it together you know what i'm i'm uh i'm just i'm just grateful man you know you uh you do the thing that's hard to do and the universe provides it's fucking amazing two years ago you didn't know what to do your hip surgery no paper you know and look at you now now you're teaching you just you're still rolling you gotta you got the world by the balls and you're a young guy and you're living in boulder which is like living in heaven right yeah it is i'm just uh yeah man i'm you know i'm loving i'm getting stronger every day hips are you know healing up and uh teaching mma teaching jiu-jitsu teaching more tired here in boulder you know living the dream man

how many jiu-jitsu schools are in boulder now um you know i can think of uh i can think of three probably and there's east end uh tenth planet boulder and uh my school's defined defense there's a tenth planet boulder yeah who runs that drew ash drew ash uh run to these a purple bubble no shit yeah he's got uh he's got a nice little team over there he's got a he's got a guy fighting this weekend actually let me ask you something kind of would you be interested in opening up a tenth planet new jersey northern new jersey new jersey huh you know uh i've got a buddy tim surely he was my high school wrestling buddy and um we're uh gonna open up a gym together he's out there in pennsylvania actually uh training with uh this guy daniel and he's just been winning

every jiu-jitsu tournament under the sun as a brown belt um and he's going the traditional route of course i'm going tenth planet no g gangster style and uh we're gonna be linking up it'll be the first time you know that there's been uh at least to my knowledge that there's been traditional g jiu-jitsu black belt and eventually myself as a tenth planet black belt that's a beautiful thing you know all the up then van eyes has tuesday from five thirty to six thirty he's got a traditional geek class and a lot of people don't show up and i'm sure that they have a lot of skeptics you know what kind of i tried fucking no g once and if you think i'm bad with you know he's he's he's better for uh you know it's hard and it's better for for old people you know like

because once you know it's there's a whole lot more leverage involved you can't power out of things and you can really use your weight and momentum and do things technically with the g that uh athletics can sort of overpower it no g yesterday i got into a guy let me tell you how bad i am yesterday i got into a guy's uh i got him in side control and i said to him listen i'm not going for an americana i'm just gonna lay here and catch my breath what you do is up to you cuck sucka he was howling he's 38 he was a big filipino kid he was just fucking howling i go i'm not gonna do nothing i'm just gonna sweat it out until that bell rings cuck sucka i got you in side control don't make me go on my tippy toes because i'll crush you and we were fucking we both got up howling

and it's so weird how uh every time i go to jujitsu now man i walk out of there i don't know what to tell you i feel great and i go and get beat up kind of kind of every time oh my god last time i went they grabbed me by my sleeves i was in a spider guard the whole time i was spread out like the fucking scarecrow i'm wizard of ours i went home i had toes under my armpits i had it's amazing what they do to you and what these younger who tiny a guy's duty is the fucking worst but you know what i it keeps me fucking me being me i love getting beat up so another you know i'm saying like when things are bad in life is when i'm happy like when the car is broken down so this keeps me fucking uh just focused that you walk out of there i've been choked when i got walk out of there you

gotta see what my head looks like because people think about it if i'm gonna let this guy lay on me i might as well fight for my fucking life i don't want bacon laying on me so i see these smaller guys knowing i'm not gonna let i mean they fucking pull me they they pull my neck i love it man so i'm happy that you're one of the guys that talked me into it i believed in you and now i'm taking a kettlebell class and it helps my breathing so i'm loving it i'm loving it brother that's awesome man you know when i when i watch what i love is uh you know it's you enter that flow state when you're in there you know nothing else matters you just live and in the moment it's like a meditative state and it's so hard to get to that state through meditation but when you're in

there rolling it's like you're you're meditative you're not thinking about anything or at least i'm not you know i'm just flowing and loving that and i feel like more time you spend in that space where you're totally giving yourself to something that improves your life you know you walk out of there feeling great man i like every time i go in there i kind of you could teach me a bump fucking uh whatever the fuck they call the bump sweep you know salami has taught me the bump sweep 80 times hit bump sweep hit bump sweep yeah go for the tomorrow the guy pulled that whole fucking thing you know how many every time you're on my back i forget about everything all i think about is oxygen and water that's all i see i don't think about moves once you're on me in psych control i'm

done i fucking just breathe i cut my hands i don't want you taking my shoulder so i hold on to my fucking ears and i just breathe and i forget every move you teach me every move that people teach me every time i see a bramble like hey bro teach me something and everybody always says all right this this this fuck once you got me on my back i forget everything i forget about things when i got when i'm on top of it i can't imagine that's why i can never fuck nobody i'm terrible i forget everything con i'm fucking proud of you man you've uh you're teaching you got the gi did you take didn't weren't you taking your blue belt testing a gi or something you've been telling me yeah yeah i got uh yeah i've got a blue belt with uh two streaks on it from uh marishio's and dana

how's the weather there uh man it's beautiful you know a lot of you know but there's 300 you know 300 someday the sunshine it's gorgeous that was not a cloud in the sky and coming down i remember 94 i remember in 95 i read that fact that there was just as much sunlight in bolder colorado as there was in hawaii every day for this not a cloud in the sky man it's nice i'm outside you know i'm no sure on it you know it's it's nice it's gorgeous you know this you miss it ever uh every day every day you know i was watching uh what's the show they do on the UFC when the fights are coming up not the countdown but it's a new one they have it was on last night yeah prime time was on last night and uh johnny hendrix talked about oklahoma state the coach from oklahoma state

made him a man he went in there a boy and he came out a man i went into colorado a boy and i came out a man so you always some people go to the army for that some people go to prison for that and uh i i really wish that i could write an apology letter to colorado especially bolder yeah uh my wife you know i got a bill from the government for a student loan and there's loops in the contract there where you're not supposed to get a loan if you have felonies they gave me a loan you know and i had felonies to go to a 26 25 one of those and my wife had to pull my police record from boulder and it's just horrible it's just you know the theft the uh the fucking and the theft i got caught for when you use somebody else's id that was how fucked up my character was i got

arrested in boulder while i was out on bail on the kidnapping trial all right i got arrested in boulder for stealing cds from sears when it was the crossroads mall going to the crossroads mall this is when this is when boulder hadn't had no security i would walk into the thing and i would take 20 cds and i'd walk out the back door and i go on my car and i'd go up to the to the hill and right on the corner there there's like a student center and they had all those record stores by roses and all that and i would sell the cds they give me seven bucks a piece and i get like 140 dollars and i buy a bag of weeds and coke i get a chicken from roses or the deli zone and that was my day and one day i got caught and i gave my buddy's id so i gave like

let's say i use kana hewn's name they let me out on my own reconnaissance with no id this is how nice boulder was that right they let me out for theft i went back stood trial and did the community service and paid the fine under that name because i was fucking my friend over in jersey and then years later we were eating dinner he was somebody using my name in colorado you have any idea so i always felt bad but kana i miss boulder every fucking day to just go back to boulder but there's a problem with boulder now you need money yeah i mean there's so much there i mean if you buy a place you just know even just remember when i left boulder i lived by north boulder mentors i lived right across in the rec center in north boulder right there i went to elementary

school right there right there right where the there's a mental health center on the corner on iris and right there the detox right there is a detox yes i lived a hundred feet down from that detox i would cross the street in the morning go to the fucking north hollywood rec center north boulder rec center this is when the bagel place is just opened by north boulder hospital there yeah mose mose bagels i got a job there is a midnight baker i quit after two nights all of my boys are jobs there everybody works a fucking mose the liquor store across the street there's a north hollywood i used to walk there at night after i get my blow i do a line leave it in my apartment and i walk that liquor store and i buy a bottle of fat thigh that's how much money i had

had enough money for a bottle of fat when i went to college i used to have my buddies there i'm not even my buddies my dad send me out uh fat tire from colorado because i couldn't get any good beer at oh the fucking big bottle of fat tire would last me all night long fucking that's uh but you know those are the bad things about boulder where i was an animal then there was the other side of boulder where i learned a lot about myself i went to school you know i walked i i i you know just walking through that campus i never thought i'd be on a on a fucking college campus and here i was on a major college campus the football team was on fire the daughter was fucking everybody this is when you know boulder is salad national

champs in 94 it won't be yeah that's when i was right there you were national fucking champions with salamence and darien higgin in those guys yeah the kid had stomach cancer the quarterback from oceanside california was samoan his name was racham salam racham salam no this kid's name was salanesi oh yes salanesi salanesi racham salam ended up going up to chicago bears and shit yeah i was there with be enemy when they smacked jj flanagan and called him a nigger and because of that you can't use the racial slur and the city limits of boulder how i know is because somebody called me a spick once and i smacked him they threw it out of court so in the sleep you gotta love that man how i spoke through you i'm not gonna get out of jail i had two felonies i thought they

would give me 30 fucking years it was right by baseline safeway on 30th street to have a baseline safeway there this was 30 fucking years ago like by where red robin used to be yes no red robin's not there no more no you know what they move they're still in that same in that same shopping center but they're not in that same spot and it's like uh it's different it's like a fast food joint you know you order at the counter i used to sell cars at bill kraut super i used to sell cars at bill kraut super that night we go to uh that place for coco locos or we go to chilies to get the fucking top shelf margarita what was the big time gay bar the kid we used to go to that we used to go to that red robin yeah play uh street fighter two there we are when that game came out

that was that was big oh no i know what you're talking about that's right the the red robin was where the movie theaters were at no no no yeah exactly i'm talking about the mall i seen when i was in the halfway house what movie let's see that batman with jack nicholson this shit that's where i seen good fellas too the first time was uh was it that movie theater that movie theater midnight run i saw there i saw a bunch of fucking movies there the first uh what's the one with bruce willis the first one the yeah the first diehard diehard i saw all those movies there that's amazing but down the corner there um baseline there's a safe way right there where it opens up to 36 right there oh it's 50 yeah the right there is where that that's the outside of the

city limits and that's why i beat the ticket because i smacked the guy there and i got away with i'm telling you man i was in boulder for a long fucking time and i was in boulder i was in boulder one of the rarest things happened that could happen in boulder when that guy broke out of jail and nobody remembers that nobody and i only one person i've spoken to i said i remember that night when the guy broke out of a jail in canyon city and came up to boulder and shot four kids up on lee hill canyon they were target practicing uh and he took the yeah yeah cuz i yeah i remember that i uh my folks live up to you i mean that's where i grew up remember you grew up on lee hill by the fucking bus stop yeah yeah exactly that's the last stop on the way home i used to

always stop in there and grab a shot because i was out of town and i knew you know i wasn't getting pulled over after there so i had to bust off to grab a shot and it'd be hurt on the way home so what's your day like now kind of you're not fighting what's your day like you know i wake up i have some uh some coffee and some tubes usually and uh you know stretch out roll out and i roll into work at uh 24 hours and you know i love it there you know every hour i get a new client usually i've got a pretty busy schedule so i've got them you know stacked up back to back so i never really get bored you know it's uh it's like this one person you know one work out with one person is one way then the next client is something 100 different so it's always

exciting it's always you know it's it's constantly entertaining because i got you know i'm seeing a new person every hour and that's something that i love you know there's a sales element a little bit to it you know i'm selling the training but uh you know i'm a salesman and for the first time i'm selling something that i really believe in you know it's one thing when you're selling a product and you know the products break in and you know it's a piece of shit you're selling something to add on you know some clear code on the car where you know you're fucking somebody over as opposed to like this it's like yeah i might hard sell somebody because they're obese you know and i'm gonna change their life and get them in shape you know so i might hard

sell somebody but so i enjoy the sales aspect of it in you know in manner because that's it's something that i really believe in and i can take those people you know they lose 40 50 pounds and you know change their life and you know that's that to me is is rad you know from my end if i wanted to see you what i'd want to hear from you is the truth you know uh which would be you know this is gonna be a a lifestyle change it's gonna take you a year but that year is gonna go by so fast you know we're gonna start at two times a week then we're gonna move up to three times a week and i guarantee you feel better by yourself just try for 30 days if after 30 days you don't like it go away but after that i want you to think about the health benefits and where

this country's going and you know right now we got this fucking obama kid listen when i was a kid they they they told us there's not going to be social security by the time you get to 65 so prepare if you're 20 now we're telling you there's not going to be no health insurance here in this country it's going to be skyrocket so the answer to health insurance is for you to take care of yourself even to the fucking cold even to avoid colds which means you might not be able to smoke buckets at a party with people we pussy on a regular but that's just the way it fucking is you know uh you just gotta take the you gotta take the fucking on it and take care of yourself listen on it is great but i don't give a fuck if you buy the honor or not i know that not everybody

has money for the honor we just want you to take care of yourself because you know how much easier your life is i feel 100 i watched the longest yard yet it was on tnt i couldn't believe the size of my neck and the size of my stomach and i remember what i felt like guys it was amazing what i felt like i did not feel like i feel today and you know what i'm walking on a 305 but you know what my joints don't hurt at all at all my joints don't hurt and even if you gotta start some of them off in the pool just walking in a fucking pool i don't care if you walk the pool fucking 30 minutes twice a week you will see the results and after that we'll swim a little bit and after that we'll fucking get into the bigger pool and after that we'll walk and do the pool and after that one day

guess what we'll do some kettlebells and fucking jump in the pool and i'll make your hour and i'll crack jokes and i'll make your hour go by fast you know i take private sometimes from different people and one guy is expensive than the other guy and the other guy i get more in that half hour and i don't even know i'm fucking there you know i'm saying i don't even know i'm there i know when i get in the car i gotta switch my shirt that i'm dirty the other guy teaches me a technique we do it three times this guy makes me do calisthenics and then he makes me do this and he makes me fucking do bridges and he makes me do hip escapes and then he teaches me a technique and we drill it 15 times on each side then he makes me do 10 more hip escapes then we talk about a different

technique and he and also at the end he's like dog you want to do another half hour and i'm like an hour already went yeah you got time i don't give a fuck let's go and we do it you know and that's more than customer service the guy makes me feel but i've seen guys that take this a guy by my house north hollywood park and every time i see him he's got a great setup counter he's a fucking genius he went to the park he fancies a little piece he took a tree he put a punching bag there he put like a little circuit training there's got people going over in the mornings for like 10 99 or something like that doing it but he's taking people that are fucking too overweight and make them do like uh you know agility drills they're not going to show up three days later

you know why because they're in pain yeah no for sure i ain't counting that all the time you know i've run a Muay Thai class and we always open up with three rounds of skipping rope you know that's that's how you warm up for for fight sports do you want to be on your toes you want to be able to move the whole time you know but if you've never skipped ropes in nine minutes to battle battle end your day for you know for a good couple days afterwards you know your calves would be blown up and people do they come in to do that and they never come back so i was telling like you foam roller or self massage you're going to be hurting get you know get better come back but uh yeah you jump right in something like that well if you warm them up first before the jump

rope that helps because their joints will be a little bit more warmed up because at the Muay Thai school i went to that's what they did too and as soon as i do that i can only get like a minute jump rope and i have to rest a minute if i do some kicks and do a couple things and maybe jogged around the school once or twice my jump rope would be a little better and then he would go just doing 30 seconds more i love jumping rope i started when i played basketball because they said that for every five minutes of jumping rope it's equivalent to 20 minutes of jogging yeah that's that was the rule 30 years ago now you got to take 18 pills and drink a fucking xanax and you know so you like what you're doing brother and you're teaching jujitsu oh yeah yeah i love it

i'm teaching uh i'm teaching two nights a week uh yeah i'm teaching nogi over uh defined defense and uh i got a bunch of guys competing this weekend four guys should see two guys competing this weekend in a little fight to win nationals they got going on here in colorado got into the national western stock complex that's a beautiful fucking thing man i missed the lifestyle kind of him if i could do it all over again i'd do it like a fucking gentleman i'd be a respectable guy and i'd be out there right now living in a long great place to raise kids you know oh please fucking please but here's the problem with that place you ready with the problem with colorado is they got one problem for a guy like me i can't depend on the airport

i have a friend that's over there and she goes i did not know how bad the airport was in denver remember when we were growing up when you were growing up the the airport was right off the 36 stapleton you had stapleton that was like a fucking pimps airport now they built an airport that to me they made your life harder first off the airport is wide open so when it snows out there it fucking snows yeah it snows then they made you an hour on a 30 minute drive on this road that's going to be hell from november to fucking that's worse than that uh what's the road that connects uh aspen with denver it makes your time they close it throughout the year it's only open three fucking months of the year uh kind of what's the independence fucking way or whatever it is

oh independence pass but behind aspen if you take it you can only take it three that's it it's only open three months of fucking year but a very beautiful view on the other side of it is the black wolf in so you spend the night you're fucking there's wolves out there and then you wake up the old lady makes your fucking breakfast you can't lose i don't even know if it's still there it used to be there but you know that's how it is so you can't depend on it when you're a guy like me i got to leave today what if i go to leave wednesday morning it's snowed 80 fucking inches i'm done and you know it snows when you least expect it there you can get 18 inches june fucking 11 there like nothing yeah the other day man either it would do the thunder storm lightning thunder

and then all of a sudden boom started snowing you know that's a loudest thunder i'd ever heard that's a crazy place and then all of a sudden boom it's snowing we got you know two inches on the ground i wish i had the money and i wish i uh didn't have to travel as much and absolutely i would definitely raise my daughter there and have my wife there those are good fucking americans there those are good white people they all got weapons well you know i think a lot of there's a lot of spoil kids here too absolutely that's you know what i was thinking about you know who society everywhere you know i the other day i was in the uh last night i went to get some from the kitchen and i thought about jill goodacre jill goodacre used to be one of the hottest models

of victoria uh secret maybe 30 years ago and she married the piano player from new orange but jill goodacre went to boulder high while i'm telling the story the other way around and they teased her there was other girls that wanted to be models and they teased her and then she transferred to fairview and uh she became who she was those girls that used to make fun of her she became who she was and what she did with that money was she bought up all that property and her and her father started the goodacre real estate company that's a true story and i bet today they got to be worth them the ganja's ex glenn and his brother who played for the i think the brother died who played for the nicks and all those guys they went to real estate all those guys

that got into real estate 30 years ago in boulder today should be living like fucking doctors yeah up in lions did everything recover back there in bold is everything recovered well i mean certainly not everything you know in june's town is is still destroyed but you know they've opened up most of the roads and everything like that but you know the landscape has permanently changed pretty pretty yeah pretty crazy to see you know so that to be witness to the changing of the earth let me tell you some uh so where can these people find you if they're in colorado locally if they go up to bold and they want to train with you where can they find jack kinda i'm in uh i'm at defined defense it's also about leaven street uh between walnut and canyon it's a

little boutique studio jim in the alley behind the mediterranean restaurant on monday and friday or if they uh have a 24-hour fitness membership they can find me over at 28th and iris at the gym there on monday through saturday now where's the gym on 28th and fucking iris where kmart used to be now it's where uh alberton used to be come on that's a 20 out yeah that's where i work well listen i still remember when i was you know and there's and there's a wall mart next to it that just went in and opened up now now what's across the street where the kmart used to be that safely and what's the puddle car wash still there yeah sure now across the street is abos pizza you know that right uh you mean uh by where would you see it's west yeah murphy's and all that it's

that yeah that's still there yeah murphy's is still in there i used to live behind that that's those apartment buildings that's where i lived and my boy elio lives over there that's where i lived and then if you go straight down iris to north hollywood to the other one that's by the boulder rec center that's where i also live but that where you live where you're at all right they used to be before they moved listen let me give you some history before they moved to 28th street that video store the biggest one on the west coast the one that's three floors where they where they started where is where the dco is you know that right that's where the video started in 1987 they were they were where the dco was up more we're on it where palmer had his real estate office to greek palmer

that's where they were and that's where i went to rent when i was on the lamb i had to go back i i was on the lamb up on leo road which is coming up monday the 18th i may have a surprise guest for you people i've contacted kent veller and i apologized on the phone and when i get off the phone with you guys i'm gonna call him today and see if he'll do the podcast for the 26th anniversary of the kidnapping on monday from boulder and i this is when i kidnapped him on tuesday it's thursday i ran out of weed i had to come down from leo road the weed guy was a school teacher that lived up the corner there by iris i bought the weed i went to the video store and i'll tell you what the two hot movies were there above the law and lead the weapon i crossed the street to

where kmart is kmart was and i called bolder police department and they kept fucking hanging up on me and i said you know what they asked me where i was and i said i'm at the albertsons so i took my car and i went across the street to the albertsons and i parked there used to be a liquor store there all the way out there like an isolated liquor store nobody's gonna remember this there used to be a bank back there too the hub bank is that still back there kind of you know i'm not sure no i don't think that thing i'm gonna tell you no there's first thing over in the diagonal right it's that now i'm gonna tell you two incidents that happened there first one i called the cops and they go where are you and i go i'm at albertsons and they go we're

gonna come talk to you and within minutes they must have had 15 cop cars there kind of yeah they went into that nothing to do you know they went into the fucking albertsons with their guns drawn and i took my car and i went across the street and watched them for like 30 minutes they fucking yellow tape they interviewed people okay that was that and then another time they used to be they used to be these pizza parlors it wasn't abos it was like brick oven something they had a a company on baseline two nice kids they were christian kids didn't do drugs oh uh nick and willies the taken bake no this is this is 1987 there was another big pizza chain and boulder then and they were on bait they had two stores on didn't they compete it with

abos abos had the hill abos had north boulder and something else south boulder and this place had two stores that specialized in pizza and south boulder and the two kids remember the name of it nah brick something something italian they weren't even italian they were like fucking Mormons making pizza but the two kids kind of the two kids were the sweetest kids you ever met your life and one day he gets home from a hard day's work right there by albertsons they used to be a vacant parking lot for years that was just grass for years it was just grass this kid used to every night get his dog walk across the street and let his dog loosen the grass he let his dog loosen the grass one night after about 10 minutes the dog wouldn't come back he goes what the fuck are you

sniffing he goes into the marsh and then right there they used to be fucking five feet of weeds there that's a popular street and when there was no development there next to albertsons the kid walked in there and he saw a suitcase he picked up the suitcase he pulled it out into the day because it was nighttime so you want to go in the light he popped the suitcase there was two bags of cocaine and a stash of money he closed the suitcase he was walking to the payphone to call the police and within fucking 10 seconds he was swarmed by fucking cops DEA agents they tied him up they fucking beat him up they set up a portable lab and they tested the coke and it was it was the next day they let him loose and shit and he sued the boulder police department because they beat him up

and fuck you know he sued one of the cops and what they did was they were chasing somebody and the guy threw the suitcase out the car and that's where he threw it and they thought that he was the guy that they hired to pick up the fucking blow that's a long fucking time it was in the papers it was fucking kind of always a pleasure when you call I love you man thank you for bringing me back to fucking boulder for an hour and making me feel back dog sucker so uh yeah if I come out I want you to fucking make me do some jumping jackson's shit you know I love you buddy sure yeah for sure I've got a you know I've got a whole bunch of tricks up my sleeve I know you do stay black all right you're always a family all right buddy

I see you guys have a good one week bye Connor bye what's up boss kniffer huh you're sitting there all mooked up what you mean you have me smoke fucking eight times what do you expect let me give some shout outs all right before you start crying and then I bought a shout out to my man blaze one I bought a shout out to my man Alan G kin shavis what are you fucking how about I said okay how about Dead Squad America up from fucking Nashville to Harlem to Kentucky to Dead Squad fucking Moreno Valley Diane Matteo I love you Dan Pazzini who's better than you know Michael Candela are you fucking nuts or what Tom Amos Joey Brooklyn my girl looking fucking fine the mother fuck and a special shout out to MB leaf girl it's at the house today fucking playing with a fucking noodle

who the fuck knows which my little sexy girl is new and then what the fuck you giggling about that you still don't cock suck remember I talked about on it in the beginning from strong bone to the turnaround 180 it's back and it's got it for like 30 bucks for 10 packages it's three dollars a fucking package you can't fucking break that down go to honor.com and press in church what like a badass motherfucker that you are you know I'm saying and you're sitting there you probably gotta be a fucking a shadow on your blade on your face and you're thinking to yourself I gotta fucking go to CVS sit there fucking stand online like a fucking misfit and then buy a pack of razors and they get me for this and I'm gonna eat the chocolate while I'm there because you always get a chocolate

turtle when you're online at fucking CVS and you could do all that shit or you go to Dollar Shave Club or go to joeydeas.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club Ben I'm gonna tell you why right you're like Joey why you keep torturing me with this Dollar Shave Club shit I'm gonna tell you why it sucks sucker because for fucking a dollar a month you get four fucking blades with two fucking snatches on it that'll slice your fucking neck right for six dollars a month you get four blades sent to you a month that have what three fucking blades and a strip an allo strip and for fucking nine dollars a month what do you get me you get the four blade one okay and you get for the first month you get the shave butter free and the fucking shave butter you can't pay for the

fucking shave butter that's what I've been using look how nice and smooth the scars are going away I had all those scars from all those years like the singer from Erasmus from doing cocaine shit the shave the shave the shave the shave butter is helping it out go to joeydeas.net go to the fucking Dollar Shave Club press in church church ch you are ch into the box six dollars a month that's what 72 dollars 72 72 dollars a fucking year that's what you spend the month drinking fucking those lattes lying to people oh someday I'm gonna go to India and wear sandals who gives a fuck you ain't going nowhere but while you're here you need to shave Dollar Shave Club cocksuckers what's up dog because I'm sick and tired people you know Joe you're saving money that's what I'm

doing you you watch you listen to the fucking show do me the fucking favor it's not like we'll get millionaires over here but Lee gets the fucking take a few months off and on top of that I'm giving you a good product this is what I use at the fucking house you want to come to my house and see you cocksuckers you you could drop by any fucking time go my fucking shower and look what I got in the fucking shower I got a Dollar Shave Club raise that's how I roll because I'm not going to practice what I preach you know me I got time for that shit 72 fucking dollars all right cut the shit go to Dollar Shave Club what are you pressing the box not my steak church all right get your shit together I would love to see people coming to your house you know I'll stab him right I'm like

your cats would stab him I just imagine like a little tour let me see you let me see a shower give me some more black Sabbath time in the mood I'm more black Sabbath tomorrow's dream sure the one we had because I want to give people hope for the manana tomorrow's a big fucking daily yes it is it's going to be better than today did you know absolutely and today's gonna be better than yesterday you want to smoke some more dope no you want to do a goomy with Uncle Joe I have to go to work what time two o'clock nine they're changing me again you're the biggest half of fucking fruit you know that it's three more days three more days so it's nine to what today well it's like I'll get in there like ten to seven it's time to turn away and then tomorrow's dreams

become reality in me are you fuck real I get it together was that refill the I don't want to hear I didn't say to turn the music on what are you DJ fucking death yeah what the music cocksucker every day one time the music all listen to fucking I owe me playing that motherfucker taking you to the murky waters of the underworld with his guitar where's waterbox he's probably doing jumping jacks in the fucking ocean where's waterbox the cocksucker and my main my main woman Cleo and all my freaks out there and fucking that dirty bitch the Jew whatever Jenny Freeman he was delicing that fucking monkey last night hit me hit me wait what

then that's the one and only thing in my heart what the poor Jenny freeman every every couple days I see torture on twitter Jenny freeman torches herself she's got lice because put the music on why is the music off how many times I gotta stab you I'm gonna leave these people today with some fucking tremendous music I want them to get fired up it's six weeks for fucking christmas you gotta go stab a fucking dwarf we need to put ferries wear boots on that's what I'm gonna move for today ferries wear boots black Sabbath and shit before we put this on a little quick let's talk about who plus I was gonna do it already distract me for we got tons of time why am I

getting in the fucking mood here oh Jesus Christ you see I'm over here smoking like an Indian I'm on five fucking smoking it's gonna be a beautiful day to be alive today when I get home I'm gonna do a couple jumping jacks and fucking kettlebells and TRX I gotta give some blood I gotta get a fucking new hairdo you don't go joey baby oh shit too much fucking what are you gonna go with a little moha what a fade yeah no I'm gonna go with a little fade I'm gonna get the fucking the ju-fag with the head up on the top what are you fucking kidding me I'm going old school I haven't changed my hairdo since birth oh can't you tell look at Jill Himitsu popping up and shit what's going on let's there's my girl Jill motherfucking Himitsu I love the little movie

do any part of your glasses it's a little huh and then you pause and then dog if you're gonna do something you gotta do it fucking right where's the music I just put some music on here listen to this guitar here are you kidding me are you kidding me listen we talked about it before we talked about it again just fucking leave the music all right we talked about it before I'm gonna talk about it now you're sitting there you're striving for entertainment why isn't this loud at me I'm gonna go over there and bite one of your fucking fingers cut suck look at those little ju-fingers well I tell you dicks not like this morning pastrami kind of yeah pastrami and fucking carol ac there's something disgusting oh shit last week

it's Wednesday you fuck I gotta get you out of the house ready to rock and shit we've already talked and whatever all that shit hulu plus is what I'm trying to tell you why sit there with your thumb up your ass on the computer looking at youtube when you can have you hulu plus and watch it everywhere on your phone and your fucking pad on your everything you can put a sheet in your wall and fucking transmit it through fucking the osmosis hulu plus you go to joeydears.net and click what the hulu plus banner and you put in joey and you get two weeks for free on the arm gratis then $7.99 a month what's that leave uh 96 a year who the fuck you didn't get dealing with here 96 a year put put put click it oh shit oh shit

are you fucking kidding me watch that pussy watch that play hold your fucking cock in here hold your balls and let them all know you're a fucking soldier yeah kick it leave here we go kick it leave i want you to blast this motherfucker you're pounding on the floor i say fucking poor neighbors black family but the fucking music oh shit ferries with boots and you got to believe them tell me you don't want to leave the house right now and be the best you could fucking be like a marine and eat tell me you don't want to fucking leave the house and be

the best you could be today you know why because the last hour we didn't even let you think about life we like we talked about stupidity you fell into the fucking trap and now you're a better person get out there and don't let nobody get in your fucking space number one and number two keep your eyes open look out for these suspicious people if they eat up this you gotta keep your eye on them hulu plus motherfucking dollar shave club and on it i want to thank you i give you all my love for helping us out and for you people for listening for being a part of this all fucking weak with us and fighting out and letting you know that you get the fucking most important thing here every day and that's the fucking truth root the truth root that's all you ever wanted from anybody

fuck turn that shit off and put fucking the national anthem on i'm in the mood that's it and don't put the one on with the violins it's how i'm feeling today i will go to the car and beat you with a fucking tie iron yeah this is time to get up it's time to get up and let's do this shit that's it i'm fucking fired up today i'm not putting up with this shit let's see if this one works oh hold on five seconds oh my god let's see hopefully this one's a good one let's see it there we go get up get up now get me the good one that's evening at the pops again why do you do this to me when do you what would you what they take that i'm saying the monica was fucking hot

pants on i want some fucking good music here i want some americans i want some fucking you know they need one spanish guy for the rhythm but i want americans the national anthem yeah old school all right i'll put national anthem old school some fat white chick from fucking kansas singing oh say pen you see that type of shit and i want you motherfuckers on your feet when was the last time you got up and salute the fucking flag that's all you fucking got got suckers get up you fuck you mother fuckers i'm sick of your shit oh jesus christ like then i put old school in and let's just play what old school the first one that comes up old who's a basketball game

no no no no no no what is this Tina Turner just put the fuck put the national anthem in there i did and what it was a perfect one there was no say my fucking shockers are going to shock this is one this is the one you're getting give me the one with the eagles and shit like that what the eagles one the one not the eagles the band like there's an eagle no no no i'm not getting up to that Beyonce yeah how about i go over there hit you with a fucking black leg put the fucking national anthem in the good one what does that mean fucking Beyonce the good one the one that they we just look one that has an american on it like somebody fucking with a flag or carry carry underwater no no no just national anthem i don't want no singers national that's what i gave

you something with a missile something with a chinese guy laying on the floor bleeding something like that all right let's see if this one works fucking there's a flag in the background that's it that's that's it that's it that's it that's it put that out loud that's it you got to hear this in your head and in your fucking heart you fucking cock suckers get up you fuck it's wednesday all right if i hear about obama care one more fucking time i'm gonna stab somebody when was the last time you bought fucking insurance from a black guy get your shit together well the webpage don't work let me tell you something if you were looking for fucking porn you'd fucking find it leave the poor fucking black guy alone he's got enough fucking problems all right he fucked up he fucked up what

you never fucked up you you know who fucked up you fuck out not a black guy to get you fucking insurance that's who fucked up get up salute the flag you want insurance go to the hospital and light it on fucking fire next time you come back don't take care of your 18 fucking stitches and the cancer you got your asshole i'm sick and tired of hearing about obama care the holidays are coming get up be an american and stop crying that's what being an american means when you turn it backwards stop fucking quiet get up salute the flag and get your dicks up that's what americans do i love you stay black have a great week fucking salute you motherfuckers god damn it let my emotions get the best of it

buy fucking insurance from black people you get what you deserve you dumb fucks now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial who plus i'm even crying i'm sick and fucking tired who plus with you been on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get a free an extended free trial sick and tired of you motherfucker stop crying stop it get up get up being a fucking american fucking insurance this that you're all fucking crying about the president you don't need a president you need yourself you need to be the president of yourself and check yourself you fucking douchebags you're only black guy that sells insurance is the guy from major league

you fucking pissed off got me crying and shit sorry when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or just go to joeydeus.net and click on the hulu plus banner and don't forget to sign up for dawgshaveclub.com you'll get high quality razors you know what just go to joeydeus.net and hulu plus you know what just go fuck yourself either get hulu plus get fucking on it and get or go fuck you i don't know what else to tell you no more people we can't keep telling you this every fucking day if you don't have a razor from dawgshaveclub go fucking shoot yourself if you don't have a free subscription from hulu plus go fuck yourself if you don't have an alpha brain you're fucking slipping you got me drooling you got me fucking boogies coming out of my mouth oh my god

oh you don't even know what i'm playing i'm playing war pigs i don't give a fuck what you're playing oh You