Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/14/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #29

Episode Date: November 15, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about the upcoming anniversary of Joey kidnapping the guy with a machine gun. They also talk about dating, thank you notes, and the reason why Joey picks some movies over others. The Machine, Bert Kreischer joins us on the podcast today. Dont miss it. Streamed live on 11/15/2012 

Oh Shit oh shit It's Wednesday kick that motherfucking league kick it here. You go. That's how we're starting this motherfucker today A whole lot of love and welcome to the jelly Oh shit. Oh shit It's Wednesday motherfuckers November what Lee the 14th the church of what's happening now, Joey Coco Dears with my little brother Lee Syad aka the flying motherfucking Jew in heat. He's like four weeks away from Armica

He's having a good time. Look, he's smiling. He knows he's getting an envelope. Are you doing Lee? I'm doing great beautiful. Everything is beautiful. Sorry about this morning Something was up with the computers, you know with the satellites and the fucking Puerto Ricans flying around Fucked up. We have a great show for you. We're gonna cover GSP. We're gonna cover a great album We got my man calling up in a couple minutes on top of that's a beautiful fucking day to be alive go out there Somebody bite her right in the fucking tit and let her know son's anarchy last night. Lee you watch You fucking I know I know Lee works at nights, so you don't see this shit son's anarchy

Very different last night. No Jimmy Smith's no Amelia Rivera. We have to call up fucking FEMA Whatever company here put some spicks back on the show there fucking Kirk Lowe Nah, it was a great episode last night Jack shot some black dude that killed fucking OP people are mad at him, you know When you're on top you got to shoot motherfuckers once I'm gonna be happy with your decisions, but what are you gonna do man? You're gonna do what's best for the club You know I'm talking about for the family for the Borgata for whatever the fuck you're fighting for every day Whatever you're sticking up for and that's the way it is. We got GSP conduit. I'm fucking sat there

Everybody's waiting for this. We can't do a scambling show because I'll be flying back from Arizona get it together, man I'm trying to talk every day, but we're gonna give you a special Thanksgiving day morning show So fucking so we got Monday next week Wednesday, and then right before you eat We're all gonna get fucking stoned to the gills together. I'm gonna have this place covered with fucking bungs and joints We're gonna stab cheech the whole fucking thing here. You know I'm saying stab cheech. I still got it Sorry about that the fucking vapor. Where's the vapor Eureka vapor with the I don't even know what I got in here I got a couple different tubes in here today. I got the the fucking Billy goat blood I got that

I didn't even turn it down. What the fuck is wrong? This happens and you turn on five minutes late. You forget to turn on the vapor. I'm already though I'm all vapor up if I get one more vaping me. I'm gonna Defucking I got a new idea not leave before you go to bed at night people. This is what I've been doing for years I always eat an apple or two before I go to bed So everything just comes out natural in the morning. Fuck that I took it to the next level You eat two apples and you get a little half couple of rice checks. Oh Forget about it. I put a candle this morning fucking melted it

Everything comes out from the gunk the oil the grease the potato chips everything Lee rice checks rice Dry like a soldier. Oh, no fucking milk or sugar nothing just dry set checks in a little cup With two or three apples you sit on the toilet three four minutes. You're done two or three apples When do you have time to eat two or three? All right before I go to bed. I love red apples and green apples I fucking love when Apple way keeps a doctor, right? Yeah, they say what the fuck We just sit there and eat like two or three and like a few bites. I get I worked like it hungry Listen Lee, you know, I came from an old school society where we used to a cheeseburger motherfucking deluxe You know what a cheeseburger deluxe is is it like a tomato and tomato with lettuce cheese the onion the pickle

But the side of fries has mozzarella and gravy on no, it doesn't oh fuck Yeah, the Berkshire diner on Wednesdays when I was a kid with veneri after we fucking smoke dope and drink And torture people every Wednesday night went to the Berkshire diner always found the hair in your food always a finger There was no a ratings that was nowhere He just ate your food and shut your fucking mouth those days Oh, I went to my first B rating a couple months ago Freak me out Chinese place over in West LA. Oh, it was delicious But I like it like it had it on the window

You know like it like the people were like doing civil rest stuff on tables next to you Like all like the Chinese people the food was good But seeing a be like I've never seen a bee before the food's always good when it's a B a C ready because they got elbow grease in there A little armpit hair. They got some fucking flavor in the food member What kills me about those things? I heard that the inspection company calls you and tells you what date they're coming in Oh, yeah, so if you don't get your shit together after they tell you deserve to die But there's some places that have a B rating because maybe the temperature in the window wasn't right I mean, it's real strenuous. I don't know. I'm no fucking food inspector

But I know that I've had some C's and it's not bad Maybe that day they left a little fucking piece of rice on the fork or whatever So what you click the fucking rice off and you go we what would you do if you under the fucking bridge? You know I'm saying I mean people always complain about fucking this and this what would you do if you under the fucking bridge? You mean homeless. Yeah, what would you do if you under the fucking bridge who fed you when you're under the fucking bridge? Yes, I got off on the thing there on the Lancasham Avenue and I'm making a right There's that like there and I was looking at these two fucking homeless people, you know And they had a cart next to him and they had the tubes, you know the fucking water bottles and the tubes

Yeah, they had a bunch of shit there, but I was looking at them and they were smiling They were happy. They were cracking up or something, you know, and they didn't give a fuck. They smelled like shit They're laying there fucking drinking energy drinks or the fuck they were drinking I was looking at that going, you know, I know a lot of people who have tons of fucking money And bullshit coming out of their ears and they're not happy and they assume, you know, you may believe these motherfuckers at least they know where they stand You know, they'd be just laying there fucking giggling. I was looking at what the fuck they got the giggle about They're under the bridge. You know that viaduct right? There's a mcdonald's on the corner right there right there They're eating drinking fucking whatever and I'm like, look at those people, you know, that's life right there

They chose whatever to be homeless, but they accepted it and they're laughing giggling It's the motherfuckers that walk around with the fake front, you know, fuck those motherfuckers, lee That's why we got the church of what's happening now in the flying fucking jew. You follow me What's going on? What's going on? You get a girl. It's the ones birthday. You got like 19 girls I don't you cut a second. Look at you. You're in love with the little girl. I'm in love with You little what's that song? I'm in love with a stripper. Whatever the fuck Yeah, she's not a stripper though. Please look at me. I actually had a question about that What happened brother, do you ever get I mean I you don't seem like a jealous person

But when you were talking in the last one about dating a stripper, I don't think I could do that Like like did that freak you out? I'm a real fucking jealous person. You are yeah You know, I mean you like your girl and stuff like that and also you go to pick her up and there's some guy getting a fucking lap dance from a touch and So when I dated that girl, I wouldn't even go down. I've never been a strip club guy. It's yeah I'm a strip club guy and this time I got money in my pocket. I'm gonna go and just sit like a regular guy can't do it Those things are fucking filthy, but you have some fun sometimes, you know, you do have some fun No, I'm sure they're fun

But just thinking like like you said she has a fucking arthritis and a rest from giving too many hand jobs And she's coming home and and like and like waking up in the morning with that hand like Don't even fucking remind you know, she rubbed her kid's back with that hand And when I was dating I didn't even uh, I was so numb at that time that happened between 95 and 98 I was so numb from the divorce The fucking daughter I was so numb from the comedy just standing, you know doing stand-up That you know, like we were talking to Josh the other day you accept some things just uh And it's uh, it's it's fucking crazy. It's crazy man. It was a crazy lifestyle

What I I did a tape remember we talked about in the Joe Rogan podcast with t-boe We did a tape where people were fucking around this and oh, yeah I'll never forget that the guy brought his wife And they're giggling like you know, he's giggling Puerto Ricans are fucking your wife, you know jizzing on and this guy's laughing having a great time Like this is what he does every day. I know inside you got to be fucking breaking You know, you got to be fucking breaking. I know people inside open relations. No, no, we have an open relationship inside You got to be breaking. Oh, I couldn't do it. You know, it sounds good. It sounds good for the guy

But just yeah, it started for a while and she shows up with fucking abu adulak He's six foot nine with a big arab fucking cock filled with fucking al-kay the juice Yeah, you know I'm saying what are you gonna do? How are you gonna compete with that? They always sleep with somebody, you know, you're like, what the fuck, you know You always think about this chick like that girl that's leopard kennedy and sam g and kana And she was fucking like eight guys at one. Don't you trip on that? Isn't there somewhere you go? Where else have you been bitch? Yeah, I couldn't but there's some guys who don't ask questions and you know what people always say it

Oh, I'm an open relationship. We trust each other. She could sleep with other people that always ends bad That always ends bad. I don't give a fuck what anybody says because it's like people who say to your bro That's fucking the afternoons. Yeah, and you go over there for a few months and start fucking them in the afternoons and eating ass And finally one day she's like, what are you doing tonight? It always ends bad. Somebody always falls in love It seems like it could like and some people work it works for but I don't know I just know I couldn't do it Now some people just put in the back of their fucking mind, you know, some people just don't focus on it and focus on what's important Because it's kind of hurt. I mean, you know, I always see these guys cheating on wives and

I always watch like the sopranos when when he would cheat on his wife or something like that Like that was the weirdest thing on tv. Yeah, Tony Soprano would cheat on his fucking wife and america still loved him You know, there's a guy cheating his wife I love my wife. You know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna tell you. I'm a fucking quiet boy. We all like getting our dicks sucked I love my wife, but I know The feeling of getting cheated on And if you've ever been cheated on It's it's you know, it's like these relationships that girls catch their boyfriends with a pager

With a number on it or there's a number on the cell phone or a business card You know what man when you do that kind of shit it just promotes other bad shit If you've ever been cheated on, you know what you feel like, why would you want to go cheat on somebody? Oh, yeah, I've been cheated on before and I don't know if I don't know if it's all girls But I don't know this particular girl Like it wasn't like it like it seems like when guys cheat they're like, oh, I'm just gonna go fuck this girl It doesn't really mean anything this girl and I were in a fight And we hadn't talked for like a week or something and she was doing it to like get back at me

And she called she called me to tell me to like get back at me And I like I was like it's not like you just were like I was drunk and fuck this guy It's like you were like mad at me and then go fuck it You really don't want to talk to them after I oh no, I didn't I haven't talked to that fucking stupid if you want to do that But it's weird before you cheat on somebody. Remember how it feels to be cheated on, you know the The pain in your fucking soul because you get this pain in your soul. Like why is she fucking doing this to me? It's a horrible feeling So it's just weird. I've never been a big advocate of cheating and like I've said under the podcast

When I have a friend that's a cheater like that I have to judge him on the street value if the cops pulled him over What he read on me if he cheats on his wife or his girlfriend, he'll definitely fucking read on me Oh, absolutely. He'll definitely fucking read on me. That's just in this print in his character So when I see that I don't judge it because some people like getting their dick sucked, you know what I'm saying? I like my wife Uh, even though my wife is pregnant. I could be out there getting my dick sucked. So what would it do for you? What does it do for you at the end of the week? You fucking cheat on somebody you put that trust in you?

Yeah, it's just a matter of trust, bro. You break and trust somewhere along the line Don't get me wrong whenever younger I cheated on people, you know I thought it was cool and stuff like that as you get older you get cheated on you like it don't fucking feel good So you move on I got none against people slinging dick or eating ass More power for you, but why eat a piece of ass if it's in the back of your head I I smoked dope and half the people who watch this podcast like to get high You ever do something bad and smoke a joint that shit eats away at your fucking head. Do you know what I'm saying? So I couldn't live like that. It's like I always said how did Jeffrey Dahmer snort coke and have a body under his bed

If I snort a coke and I seen a cop car two hours early, I'd be paranoid If I saw a cop car 10, I did a line of coke at midnight. I'd be fucking paranoid. How the fuck did you Snort coke and they have a body under your bed. I my head would explode I I do something bad now my head fucking explode and I've always been like that. Hey listen, man You know who beats me up. You know who checks me more than anybody me You know, I run the tightest chip on me You have to run a tight ship on you if you want to try to get ahead, you know And I've always known those are the little things

I look for a little fucking traps even when I fuck around and shop with the lighter from 711 Which seems like nothing. I'm still breaking something. I still got something coming back to me So always remember that if you do something bad, you got something bad coming to you somewhere along the line That's why when you get up sometimes you have a flat on your fucking car You're like, what the fuck did I do deserve this and all of a sudden you think about It's that time I robbed that fucking chocolate bar from that hindu over at 711 So, you know, and I know this because you know, it's like I'd say all the time Uh, I fucking uh, when I kidnapped Bella

It was 18,000 dollars at the end of everything my attorney bill was 18,000. What did I make? That's unbelievable I make 500 fucking dollars. So for all my pain and that meant I stuck that out I said for 500 dollar balance I fucking destroyed two years of my life But not really because it opened up my eyes to everything. So it depends on how you look at things. That's weird sunday is the 25th anniversary that I kidnapped that kid. Holy shit. And you know what guys listen, let me tell you something I had some contact with him over the last couple months And I would email him like on a friday and he emailed me eight days later

And he always wrote some derogatory stuff on there and uh, not not he spoke to me But he always called me a fat fuck or he was trying to be cute like uh, mr. Schnuff love against like, you know Was snort and I looked at this guy's messages and what he was saying to me and he's not in good spirits No, you know, I kidnapped this guy 25 years ago a year later. He got kidnapped again Two years later. He got beat up. This guy was a glutton for punishment And if he's still doing fucking powder and he's still down in tusan, whatever the fuck he is Tucson is like where they invent cocaine. Oh, really? They just print it down in tusan That's the fucking opening to that one part of mexico

So He hit me up. He was supposed to come to the arizona show You invited him to the arizona show one of his buddies was bringing him and he was going to uh He said he was sick and then I hit him back and I asked him What are we doing the podcast? We're coming up on the 25th anniversary Then he wrote me back like this. No, bubba bubba the spelling was fucked up and everything And that's when I was gonna ask you guys to hit him up and I said, you know what man? I'm like, I throw I just got suspended off fucking facebook for having that stupid joke. It might have been him

Yeah, they suspended me on facebook and I go, you know what? What is it gonna do the poor kids in hell still? I mean we can then you know one time he wrote this shit to me like he wrote uh You know, fuck you fat man or whatever the fuck like goofing around but then at the bottom he put that uh he put uh that he

uh Got himself in his own trouble because he was trying to rob his roommate Yeah, I mean that's what he got for trying to rob his roommate that I robbed him and And it was such a circle of bullshit that we all ended up losing But if he's fucked up and he's on a call and whatever I'd rather him not call, you know I rather maybe it's not meant to be. So I don't want to force the guy, you know Yeah, it's not like it's not like you kidnapped a guy at a bus station. You kidnapped a guy you were trying to steal coke from So it's kind of like a what is that?

I kidnapped the guy because it was a tangle web we weave, you know, and it's funny because I get all these people and I'm happy I love the people on twitter. I fucking love my friends on twitter. I really do man I have so many fucking people I connect with and talk about different stuff And my friend over here Constantine keeps torturing me with this king of new york movie I love Constantine. Let me tell you something when I give you guys a movie or something I'm just not gonna give you something that's good because it's fucking people say it's fucking good I'm gonna give you something that you take back with you when you watch the godfather, right? When you watch the godfather, there's a part of the godfather you cry when he comes downstairs and he asks

Robert Duvall, you know My wife is upstairs crying all these cars are coming through the door You know, what is it? You know tell you don't what everybody else seems to know and he takes the glass from fucking Duvall, which will cover the godfather on all these movies. You feel it You fucking feel from Marlon Brando. You see the directing of it I can't say enough good things about the godfather because it's an acting lesson. It's a directing lesson It's a writing lesson. It's fucking solid all the way down guys The I mean the studios did not want Michael Corleone till he shot salato. There's so much fucking knowledge

We're gonna drop to that But I always try to give you movies that you get something from the thief you got the line Lie to nobody, you know What's the other one fucking jimmy whatever you got something from it when you watch midnight run There's a partner where it's about his daughter He goes to his daughter's house where he hasn't seen and and it's just so much involved You know when you watch rocky rocky's not about boxing you dumb motherfuckers Rocking is a fucking love story. Rocky's a love story

And when you see the beauty of that you see what the director did and how they hit it You didn't even fucking see it when I watch good fellas It's a great movie to an extent to an extent because I know the fucking guy Henry I was full of shit. So it's a good movie. It's like, yeah, whatever once you start thinking about this happened It's cute But I've always been a fan of the godfather Constantine keeps telling me to talk about the king of new york. I love I love fucking Whatever his name is. I think this is my man. Is this my man? We have to hold on for that. All right. We'll come

What's happening little brother Oh, shit people you're in fucking luck. It's the amazing the machine burt christian. What's up, brother? I had a fucking craziest dream about you last night. What happened? Are you taking that alpha brain? You're snoring alpha brain on our phone call the phone call you gave me When you called me yesterday you go How about 10 o'clock me and you smoke a number grab a beer put your dog in a leash just start saving motherfucker That's it. Just start chasing because that's what you do a lot of people don't know listening. What are we gonna do? We're at that age

We're gonna have to go to a bar and watch a game and talk shit. Fuck you you got wife You got kids, but had about 9 30 you look at the wife She's on the couch watching dancing with the stars the kids are in bed You put a fucking can of beer in your pocket You roll a joint you fucking put a muzzle on the leash and you just walk So you killed 19 birds of one you get your health going You smoke some dope you get some alcohol in your system and you walk and you breathe and you think who's better than us You go back home you go to sleep you bang one out or you try to give mama stabbing it's over

It's the fucking best part of being friends with you, Joey I literally hung up with you and I called tom seger and I told him what you said And seger is on the on the fucking ground laughing hysterically driving to a gig What do you want to do? I mean everybody wants to go out and jump it up and down and go to vip All we're doing is cutting through the fat Let's go for a walk smoke a number drink a be in your home by 10 30 nobody gets their feelings, sir So last night I get I had this dream that I was

With my my ex-girlfriend and her mom and they both my ex-girlfriend wanted to be an actress like really bad It must be killing her. She fucked my best friend after like I dated her five years. She fucked my best friend It was a horrible experience but She wanted to be an actress really bad and then her mom Her mom did too. They both were in like small little theaters And so I had a dream that I was in a room with them and I was like having to Like talk to them about the business and it was really awkward

And I was uncomfortable and I swear to god in the dream You busted through the door With a joint that you had dipped in toothpaste And you were like I call this a super joint And you lit it up and sort of passed it around the room It was the best fucking way to fucking end an awkward dream You're like fucking joey saved us this shit Yeah, and then and then and then we got so high we could we were

It was it was all this that you were like the thing about this joint And so you're gonna feel like you're underwater and I was like, oh cool And then it felt like you could see bubbles coming off and I was like shit and you're like that's the toothpaste talking to you toothpaste bitch I got fucked up last night by myself here berkreicher Really on sunday on tuesday nights. I get fucked up solo. I eat a uh a lollipop. That's like 120 milligrams and a Bang bar. That's like 180 and I just oh d on thc As I watched the sun's anarchy. You should have seen me late there last night. I looked in the mirror

I was out of my fucking mind And then I had a lollipop left over I haven't gotten That fucked up in so long Oh, I get so stoned some nights, but I don't even smoke weed I just hit the vapor pen And I hit the chocolate and I hit the lollipop and then I had a lollipop left over and I banged that out about 8 30 as I was sitting here trying to write jokes By 9 30 my head was fucking spinning last night. You understand me?

I pay I pay you need to you need to do that You need to end up leaving joints on your balcony more often with tracking devices So you can watch these kids steal them and Drag them down and find them and talk them through it those little motherfuckers stole my weed and I wasn't mad I understand I wanted this to be 13 and rob somebody I did it too. That's why I didn't get mad karma's a motherfucker I just felt bad. I had a good joint there. That was a good fucking halloween joint I put together had keef in there and heroin and mind explosives and alpha brain as a joint from l See, I still have those friends. I still have those friends. I do a little party the like a

40th birthday costume party and uh There was at the party there were friends that were like coming off and they were like, do you know anyone that has any marijuana? I was like, oh god If I mix you guys I'm doing a birthday party and I was like, well, my friends meet your meet you They're gonna fucking put you in the ground all police All police what's been going on bird christ you talk to me, baby. Where you been? Nothing man. Just got back from australia

Fucking most beautiful place in the world Have you ever been? No, no, I got no passport. They won't even let me to fucking australian store to get alligators. Nothing I get nothing It's fucking gorgeous joey. It's maybe the it's maybe my favorite country the parks are pristine. They are like You literally walk through the parks. There's no kids skateboarding. There's no there's no drugs There's just beautiful people running around exercising. I went to the beach best day I've ever spent my life not to mention I lost weight so I'm like

203 pounds in a speedo on bondi beach surfing Running through the waves like a healthy motherfucker just like like you dream you're yourself to be I was so happy the best day of many top five best days of my life What how many pounds have you dropped? I've dropped 30 30 totals since I started that cleanse and you're still sticking to the cleanse everything's working out I'm staying on off the cleanse. I'm right now. I'm doing like uh like a version of that paleo diet In the sense that I'm just eating lean proteins Greens everything healthy. I'm staying away from breads. I'm still drinking beer

But uh, I'm staying away from breads. I'm staying away from like rices and pastas I'm out cheat and I'll have them and and the weird thing is that when we shoot this when we shoot trip flip I definitely have to uh Like have a gluttonous meal once a day because we film it But uh, I just try not to I try not to overdo it. No like, you know, but you know me I'm a man of my fucking gluttony. I'm defined by my gluttony We all are brother. You know dieting is fucking hard, but I'm I'm congratulating you look beautiful. Yeah, they're like a fucking model Man and that I'm on that. I'm on the I'm on the dui workout program where I just walk everywhere

I ride my bike and I walk everywhere. I go and when I'm in LA And I stay on that stupid that stupid fucking redefine my life, man I'ma tell you something. It's uh, it's really amazing when you walk around Like it is right parking here sometimes like Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's tough to find parking And I just walked to the weed store. I walked to get a you who I walked to the fucking ymca And you know what man? It's fucking amazing. I used to walk in the mornings When me and terry moved up you have to walk into the train and then get it to molly and walk all the way to lankers and You fucking switch. I love your first two examples the best

You gotta stay safe. I walked to the weed store. I walked to get a you who What do I do and I walked to the ymca You know when when when when you're sitting here riding sometimes you after two hours you catch yourself in a fucking room And you're like, you know what there's there's a I'm in california. There's a thing called the fucking sun I'm gonna go for a walk and get some sun and you really it really makes a big difference in your life You know, I heard that if you walk 30 minutes a day even in 10 minute intervals Your bones get stronger your cardio, especially over 40 and shit like that So I I try to do it as much as I can. I mean, I ain't no fucking

Smith and parker one of those guys that walked around the pacific from fucking chicago at the st Lewis's I don't fucking Lewis and Clark. Yeah, those cocksuckers Lewis and Clark whatever fucking walking around making me look bad Now I gotta fucking walk everywhere. But uh, are you still shooting trip flip? Yeah, I'm still doing trip flip. We're doing uh, we got nine more episodes to shoot and then I'm doing another show for travel Like uh, we're I think we're trying to figure it out right now But uh, yeah, my travel channel is the best employee I've ever had. I fucking love that I love that the scripts network the travel channel network like everything about it. It's

They've been awesome and they're so cool to let you do whatever you want I told you they they called they called me like two days ago and asked about arie I was like really and they're like, do you know? Here's the there's a skinny jewish comedian who's really funny and I was like arie and they're like, yes I was like, whoa And I told him I was like they should send him to fucking the middle east Back in his in his orthodox jewish outfit. Have him do a show from there Oh, forget it

I want to do a show for like for the travel network on the computer something that a lot of people don't see like Looking for a thirty dollar grandma coke and you just go to different cities at night and Chase people down. I need a grand for thirty dollars cocksuck. I don't care if it's 35 And you just show people the best parks where to get drugs Where not to get mugged, you know, you pull up to a park and you make like a whistle And three porta rickens fall out of a tree. That's you got to take people show them the The other side of the wall The dark side

The dark side like getting fucked up at a bar till two and then go around the town and see what the entertainment possibilities are like hookers or Cracked dealers or whatever. It's always fucked to fuck around with a crack dealer on camera. They'll do it. They don't give a fuck They got one foot in the grave one of the banana peel. No one's making that show joe. You got you might have an idea I'm telling you that's the idea So you drink and then after two you go looking for the real entertainment in the city I mean not some after hours with a bunch of skinny kids that go to college. Fuck them bitches You want to end up in a fucking basement where the guy's got a chick tied up and they don't know whether they should kill her or let her I'm firing at a table with a pistol. Oh, please

You have no fuck when I lived in seattle, right with josh wolf and those guys in 95 The cook at the comedy club lived in a warehouse, right? Right two blocks right downtown And this kid had the life of riley like if I couldn't catch the bus I would sleep in his little corner And at night people throw rocks at the window and it was hookers and crack fucking hoes and I remember waking up one night There's three little skinny black dudes and him smoking crack in the corner in the dead of the winter the place had no heat But I realized that's a real nighttime fucking entertainment right there. That's what it's all about. Fuck VIP and denny's

So the hookers and crackheads would come Rapunzel fell to his window and wake him up the party because they knew that he would wake up It was fucking crazy one night. He woke me up. He took me into a different part of the warehouse And there was a chick dancing in a cave and they were doing coke in there and heroin And some guy kept saying with a suit on and I could do I don't mess with heroin. That's small time drugs That's for punks and faggots and all this shit We cut him a line of heroin that would have killed the mule this motherfucker did it and dropped Dropped We just left him there. We didn't give a fuck. He's probably still foaming at the mouth somewhere in seattle

You gotta write a book yo I'm in the process right now, man I'm in the process right now. It's my ass. I'm like I was up last night Writing I'm trying to write stories about like I'm trying to you know, keep everything fun And I don't want to go like deep. I'm not gonna write a book about being a fucking dad I'm like I'm writing books about having a good time Fucking wild stories crazy parties. And so last night I was writing the story about meeting a tell And uh and like the allure you have when you meet like someone like a tell where you know

He parties and you want to go out and all you want to do is party and I'm writing a story and I'm writing it about the Fucking miami improv and all of a sudden I'm writing about ricky cruz And I'm like fuck that guy part me and ricky party has part part even bunch in miami And then all of a sudden you you're sitting in your house at 11 o'clock. You're like, fuck I want to go party. Fuck write a book like I want to go make stories That's uh, did you get someone to have you did you get that dragon dictate thing? I got it I got it. No, no, I write a chapter every week the guy I'm working with I have to give him a chapter every week And what I'm what I'm trying to do like I give more of these stories on testicle testaments

Now I'm trying to give them the nuts and bolts Like I'm you know a lot of people a lot of people don't know that about me is I got left back in the seventh grade For eating pussy like I fell in love with this girl And I could even concentrate on fucking book work or geography or whatever the fuck it was I got left back. You know how much that tormented me. I felt like a fucking mo mo Because you know when when you get left back they put you in the back of the class and you're back there like Like a fucking idiot like you know, everybody knows you got left back. That's a dumb fuck in the back of the class I got left back not because I was a dumb fuck. I didn't go to summer school, but I never told my mother berkreicher

That is one of my favorite things you've ever said We're having a coffee one day and I said We were talking I said, what did you think when you what was the first thought you thought Thought when you saw that your mom had passed and you can tell what did you say? Fuck it. I don't have to tell about getting left back no more. Fuck it. She took it with her to the grave Here's my mother lying on the floor with a green arm and I remember going I don't have to tell this bitch. I got left back. I knew it I knew the day when I went outside and cried waited for the cops

But my first thought and that's a thought you can never tell people Because they think you're crazy when I picked her arm up. I'm like, wow, she's dead Holy fuck. I got away with getting left back. Whoo You know I was so expecting because you're such a part you're you're such a person who Like you're in your insights are so different than everyone else's insights But whenever we talk about anything the way you what you are the way you see it is so Opposite than the the way the stream is moving

And when we were talking about that and I was like god like because my I'm a lost eater my parents And I was like, I wonder what you think when you're a kid and you lose your mom and you were like Thank god I didn't have to tell her I got left back. Oh my god I'm fucking good. No problem. You find out about that broken window in the bathroom because we always have a secret from our parents We don't want to fucking tell them But uh, that's what you know, I'm writing about I'm writing about what kept me in the fucking game You know, I had a lot of situations where I could have just pulled the gun on myself and said fuck it or You know the other day when josh wolf called he said that and it was true

Whenever I was a kid and I do a crime with let's say you berkreich if you came to me and said I know where there's a safe I go burt we're gonna rob the safe But if anything happens run, I'll take the pinch You got a family just take care of me when I'm in there and I won't rat you out. I got no reason to rat you out I'll sit in there. I deserve this shit. You know, I always looked out for you Crazy motherfuckers. I had a weird twist on life. You know, you have to be honest with yourself. So Yeah, that's the most important thing man It's the one thing I go like you lian lian and I were talking yesterday

And uh, because you know, well, I mean, you know this but when I said we were gonna try to do a podcast for me yesterday And then my schedule got fucked up And I told lian and she goes, oh, you gotta ask joey Like if he believes that he has that oprah gene I was like, what? She's like, I he's got like an oprah gene like the people who you can do every the world can do everything They can to try to hold them down, but they're gonna succeed regardless I was like, oh, I was like, I will ask him that

I was like, but you do have that oprah gene that like Everything bad that could happen to a person when they say god gives you more than you can handle You've had that tested in spades and then all of a sudden still you're fucking on the road selling out Fucking traveling the world. Fuck you fucking kid on the way Little you're you're the you're testament to you can't hold someone down Yeah, but I'm scared shit and that's what people don't see That the reason why I'm fucking uh, you know, the reason why I go for it is because I'm scared Hey listen burr when I came here in 98

I was like richard geer in office and a gentleman I had nowhere else to go You know saying, you know when he beats him and he's like get the fuck out and richard gear breaks down He goes, I got nowhere else to go. I got nowhere else to go You know if something happens where you go back to tamper and sell hot dogs and jump up and down Whatever the fuck it is that you doing flarty. You're the king of florida. I really had nowhere else to go in my life I knew that the father I got away from jersey if I went back there. I would die there on the streets So I really had nowhere else to go. So if I'm here, this is all you got you have to attack it with fucking nine hands

When this is all you got I mean I you know yesterday I went to that I called you we were gonna meet and my problem was I mean, this is the truth Bert I went in for an audition monday at four and they booked me on a different show and I walk into the show Yes, and I see the scalar brothers I see uh, michael urie who I worked with before and I see this other guy who I did TV show before and when I before I even sat at the table read We all shook hands and I'm sitting at the table read going to myself. Am I fucking crazy? I'm in sag I'm in fucking sag

Yeah, like I'm in sag like I've been doing movies now, you know 30 years ago if you came to me 20 and said joey you look in fact this sunday is 25 anniversary that kidnapped that kid If you would have asked me that morning when I was putting them in the trunk in 25 years, joey You're gonna be working on a tv show. I would have fucking put you in the trunk, too You follow me. I mean this is I'm in fucking sag and I've been in sag since 98 I got 14 years in sag and six more years like I've been in a union for 20 Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know what that's like to me with that? My mind was gonna blow up

But you know what Burt what these people don't understand is we're not better than none of these people We just stuck with something if people only knew that i'm not better than you I put my pants on one leg at a time like all these fucking people. I just stuck with something because I believed I had that little fucking like you. Why do we do this? I mean I go to your house You have a nice home. You have a nice car. You always dress well your teeth are white You got night, you know, you wash your pussy. You're not a fucking filthy savage You know, uh, you know you you having a very nice life also. Can you believe this is all from comedy? I can't

I said I we were sitting we were sitting at drop-off like uh two Probably well now I guess it must have been two months ago now but like uh recently and uh And I'm sitting there with the girls and I see these two people walking in with their kid And I said to lian I go. What did they uh, who are they? She's like, oh, they're uh What's her name's parents? They're both uh actors and I went what? She was like, yeah, they're both actors and I Joey I caught myself. I didn't even catch myself. I just said it

I was like how freaking irresponsible To be like literally both be actors and she was like what the fuck you talking about I was like, I don't know man. I like like that's crazy. Have any know that their money's coming She's like you're a fucking working comedian all your friends are working comedians and they have kids like what are you? And I was like, oh, holy shit I'm in that group too like I'm in that group of people that That fucking are making a living by by doing their what they want to do But I didn't even realize that I feel so safe where I am like I feel like we've got you know

You got the road. You got the podcast. You got the book. You got the you got the tv Like everything fucking it's like all of a sudden you're like, holy shit. Like I can't believe I'm working Like how the fuck did that happen? It really is amazing that you sit there and go. I'm in the fucking union I got a union girl and I'm paid up. I mean when I wasn't I was in the warehouse fucking uh Union I was never paid up on my dues every time I seen the shops do that or run the other way and now I'm fucking paid up It really is something to realize to let people know that you know on the first of the month. We all start at zero

Yeah, me you um z Joe Rogan even the open mic are down the block We all start at zero and you put faith in yourself and something happens How many times when I was an open mic? I didn't have to rent on the first But I picked up a gig on the 29th You know and and you sit there and go how the fuck did this happen? You know why it happened because you believed you kept putting effort into your craft, you know Whether you're a plumber a dick sucker, whatever the fuck you do, you know Do you remember do you I remember getting in to open mics?

Think in I remember sitting next to uh, david teller the at a at a the catarising star when it was closing And he was talking about he was like just quit and comedy it sucks It just gets harder. There's no way out. I remember thinking man if I could just get to like a work So I could work at clubs that would be so great Then all of a sudden I'm like I and I remember like going if I could just get on the road Like being on the road would be amazing to be able to go into a city and and sell some dupe radio And now I'm like shit, man. How do I get into theaters? It's it's a I remember listen to this and I remember the paper

That they used to they used to be a newspaper that came out of san francisco When I first got into comedy it was done by john fox He had a bunch of comedians and it was a great paper was at every comedy club across the country And it came out once a month or something and it was free. It was a free publication guys And the best thing about it was at night the last four pages were all the comedy club listings in the country You know and I remember going to clubs in denver dropping off my daughter You know wanting to kill myself when I dropped her off But I forced myself to go do comedy because I was so angry. I would figure I turned it around

But at the end of the night after I bombed or whatever and I went down there picking Then those days they give you like two drinks or a soda or gas money They're coming home at night and I would take that newspaper and a yellow highlighter. I would always Write I would mark the clubs where I wanted to write And I would write them down on a piece of paper as goals and some day I'm going to work these clubs And then I would look at the paper and start crying Because deep down inside. I knew I would never be good enough to work these fucking clubs Like I remember that dog

Fuck I remember getting I remember I remember one to you and your managers would try to like derail you with like You're like home to the road. They're like, well, do tell me do your favorite Get a piece of paper and write down all the clothes you want to work and send it in And then you'd sit there and you'd be like, oh, I wouldn't mind working act me like acne would be a fun club to work Like how about Austin like yeah, yeah, and you'd write down all these clubs and you just look yourself like that I gotta fucking happen Like like i'm gonna send him a list and he's gonna fucking run through it I know exactly what you're talking about man. It's it's perspective, but I think it's like

you know, I think I don't I think one of the the good the one of the really refreshing things about us and all our friends is that It's like no one was ever like just got on snl and then became really famous Like there's a disconnect. I mean, I don't I'm not shitting on people that were on snl Like people that got a hit show and then decided to do comedy, you know, but like We're all comics That's how we started and when you start as a comic when you start at ground zero

As a comic in the trenches looking at those papers writing down those clubs like Hoping just to get more spots or get like a feature go from feature to headliner You you always have that perspective like you and you can always connect with those people so easy I mean, I talked to fucking I talked to to arry yesterday. I talked I left a message for arry and but his phone call back isn't like this disconnected Celebrity phone call. It's it's him going Uh You like seafood?

If you do call me, um, I'm gonna get seafood tonight and then he hung up But it's just because we're all at the same fucking We all started at the exact same place. We all went to vietnam together So no matter what happens in our lives We can always come back and reconnect with that moment of what it's like to be an unpaid open Micro, you know what I mean? Oh, I love it. I try to go out during the week for free And do spots like I go to the haha I'll go to flappers just to get that essence back to you. Well, you just got uh, you just got joyful from having a good set

Yeah, you know not because I worked or I got paid some nights I just like to go out and do a good set and come home by myself and And may Lee wake up cocksucker. Lee's over here falling asleep the flying Jew You know, I love all that shit. Lee. I mean Ari's You know, I gotta read you know when I first was uh, when I first got to the store I Was the host, you know, she made me the host she liked me and one of the guys that came into that store into that club were Ari

Ari worked the phones and and I watched this fucking little sprout of a Jew because that's what he was He was just a skinny Jew with a fucking half a Jew fro when he got there And he would come up every sunday and talk to me and you know, and I would talk to him and I gotta show you I gotta read you something Hold up All right Get amber Yeah, I'm right here and I

I get a card about a year later. I get a call from the store And they're like we need your address to send you tax information or something like that And I gave my address and they wrote down Dear Joe, this is just a note to thank you for helping me get past at the comedy store You're always stuck up for me and it meant a lot plus you're the most natural comic I've ever seen on stage It's always something I've strived. Thank you. Love Ari Ari sent me this card Nine years ago and I still have it on my wall

And I showed it to him when he booked the Jim Norton show on HBO Because this meant the world to me. This means more to me this card Then a check for half a million dollars. I did my job, bro I did my job as a comic until this day me and Ari are dear friends because of this fucking card Because this is more success to me than any money or going on a plane or on states We did our job when we helped somebody, you know, when I see you Burt I can't I can't tell you how much you helped me when I see you and your brightness and your happiness

I get excited to see you when I look at you. I go, what the fuck do I hang out with this fucking guy for look at him He's straight. He's a nice looking guy. He's never stabbed nobody. What the fuck am I hanging out with this guy? You are like when I'm when you're in town, you don't know how happy I am Because you add a different perspective to my life, brother. You you I love when you're around that you make me giggle all of you motherfuckers, but you particularly when you're around I'm happy. I'm good for the fucking week Even though we have coffee at that dumpy place for 10 minutes And we drink green tea and I'm there high talking you make my fucking week cocksucker

I told you man, I stopped going to therapy because I was hanging out with you Fuck pain dog. What what the fuck the answers are right in our heart. You know exactly what you gotta do I'm a fucking street therapist. You know I'm saying I don't have no paperwork I got a scar on my face and on my fucking soul. That's my fucking diploma That's why I got a scar on my dad's from our school. I think keeps saying to me He goes it's the best advice I forgot take her out tug her hair and stab her a couple That's it. What are you gonna do? I got fucking scar on my Circumcised cock from putting the zipper up it like way before something about Mary. What are you gonna tell me about fucking life cocksuckers?

I'm a psychiatrist What do you got going on today, uh nothing man, I'm gonna I'm getting uh, I'm nothing man. I'm home. I'm fucking I was on the road for two months. I'm just like I'm so it's so glad to be home. I was in my backyard walking around my shoes off yesterday just being like fuck like So nice to be here. I'm doing nothing. I ain't a right. I'm my Fucking publishers calling every day and I'm I'm I'm I'm trying to keep them at bay So I gotta write all you know what my guy tells me one sentence a day

Yep, because if you just put down one sentence a paragraph he goes I'm happy with that I try to send my guy a chapter a week And sometimes I'm talking if you can do a chapter a week. That's yeah I could do a chapter a week because once I'll do a couple sentences. I'll break it down in my head Then I'll fucking bang it out. I got the dragon thing you recommended, but For some reason I thought I'd do better with it. I didn't do that good at first. So I haven't really, uh Worked it in but I'll get this motherfucker going. I'll get this motherfucker going You got to do it sober too. That was my problem as I was doing a drunk in hotel rooms

And not even looking just talking into it and fucking and now I'd read it back and I'm like, do I this Do I fucking half a tongue? I couldn't read any of it So now you want to start a podcast tell these motherfuckers what you're thinking of doing here Because I'd like to be the first guest down there. That's what I was like. I talked to rogan about it yesterday too. I was like I was like I want to do a podcast, but I don't want like I'm never going to be able to compete with like, you know The the the type of guests that everyone gets so I was like when I'm home I'll have my friends On and when I'm on the road, I'll find fucking

Interesting people absolutely people to talk to just do it by myself and fucking rant for an hour like bill burr style Yeah, people want to hear from you, you know, you have to have your perspective out there at least once a week people watch you on the show You know people go to your tea uh people go to your stand-up shows So you doing a podcast would just be the cherry on the fucking sundae brother Yeah, and you're gonna you're gonna be my first guest. That's right I need I need my introduction that I use every time the first the first The first podcast is going to be it's going to start with you going introducing me Fuck yeah, come into the state. Let grab grab those fucking it performs cocksuck and take you pouring off the computer

It's burnt christ you dirty fucks So yeah, we'll start that like when you get back from arizona We'll we'll try to do one and then Segura and duncan and ari and we'll bang out a few back to back to back and then What would do is this you when do you leave again? What do you leave again? And uh Vegas and la and I'll do them from the road. What do you leave again? Like a fucking maid. Who knows fuck. Yeah, when do you leave again? I don't leave until after Thanksgiving. I'm gonna go to Vegas. Why don't we do a little a little turkey with fucking burnt?

Me you and duncan next week Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's get together. I'll call duncan. Yeah called duncan because we got to see him anyway I haven't watched him. Uh, I haven't seen duncan. He went to houston in new all ins and he went to his father's now He's back today. I think Awesome, man. I'll give him a call today. All right. I love you man. Thank you for calling What's the name of your podcast going to be talking to you? What's the name of the podcast going to be? I haven't named it joey. Well, maybe we'll take Everyone wants me to call it the machine in the man cave. There you go. There you go, man

Everybody knows the fucking machine that I told you between the I seen that guy that's got your tattoo Fucking beautiful monkey time. Monkey time. It's got a great fucking tattoo of you, man Let's send monkey time some love. He's a good man. He's a he's a soldier that little motherfucker That's good. I heard my daughter the other day go. He she goes, uh, she goes. He's a savage daddy I went away. My bad dad didn't say that too much I love you burt. I'll give you a call after that. I get out of the shoot. I'll talk to you later, brother I have a great day You too

That's a bad motherfucker there ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy that he called. So let me give out some shout outs I had like always my man. Dave wilder always jr. Gomez montee hawkins magnus calabron Fucking uh, xaro negro. Alejandro joey does Dominic fucking. I love you scott day and frank hudson. Good luck with the fucking car today You know, I love you cocksuckers with all my heart We were talking before burt called about constantine talking about movies in megacorley only when I wanted to Stress was that I liked the movie king of new york that he told me to talk about

I liked that the guy in it. Uh, what's his name the old guy that we were we was in seven Seven psychopaths. What's the old guys? I haven't seen king new york. I don't know. What's the guy in seven psychopaths? What's his name? I'll have to look it up. I don't know. Yeah, whatever the old fucking guy and uh It's got a lot of great, but the guy that sticks out It's about a guy who gets out of prison that takes over fucking new york and start shooting people He steals heroin from the channel christopher walken. Anyway, he steals the fucking And again another fucking my my my my top lieutenant here fucking the flying jew doesn't know who's in fucking Well, king of new york, he hasn't seen it. This is the problem working seven days a week

There's a problem. What were you for the last 30 fucking years cocksucker? So, uh, you know, I love you dave wild always so, uh I watched this movie and I've seen it 80 fucking times dave constantino. I've seen it But it's a good movie like I was on the island I was killing the half hours reading my book and I was going through the channels and it was on I watched and that's it And so it's a movie that I don't like what the whole thing is about. It's not a cat for me I didn't take nothing from it, but I will tell you what I did take from laurence fishburne

We're going to start not doing movies because I know a lot about individual actors and stuff like that We're going to start doing sometimes instead of a movie I'm just going to give you an actor and give you three movies to watch his So you could watch the this the different spectrums of his acting take for example What's the chicken boogie nights with the red hair who played Hannibal like that? You don't fucking know We know I'm bad. I'm game change. What's her name? Look up game change. Who's the star? Whatever, she's a redheaded chick. She took over for uh, jody foster and Hannibal anybody know Jesus fucking christ. This is what I got to deal with every day. It's it's bad enough. I'm smoking dope with three fucking hands

Like I own this shit But uh, then I asked lee about these movies and julianne more julianne more for example. Think something like julianne more You look at her in boogie nights You look at her in Hannibal You look at her in game change Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, she's great. Are you fucking kidding me? It doesn't get more brilliant than that You could take your assumptions and shove them up your mother's fucking ass doesn't get no better than that

There's three different levels one. She's impersonating somebody One she's playing a porno fucking whore and the other one she's playing a fucking cop That's as far away as I wish I had that that range. I don't have that she's got that Did you look at laurence fishburne in apocalypse now where he's 16 when he shot that that's unbelievable His parents had to go to the philippines with him, you know, I'm saying he was six fucking teen And then you watch csi, whatever las vegas where he plays a very intellectual Kind of swarmy man, and then you see this bad motherfucker and the king of new york Where he plays a jiz dot street fucking yam. Just a fucking

Bad-ass niggle from Harlem. That's how the fucking works out and then you watch him and what's love got to do with it Where he plays a fucking domestic. He plays i turn He throws a beating on fucking tina turner in that you have to change it. You have to turn it Do you know that my wife was watching her during that meant my crack the joke I was domestic awareness month and i turned around there beating up bitches to send a message out I'm sitting here listening to the beating. I had to close the fucking door So next time you want to you fucking momos want to talk about oh my god the guy from hangover listen listen to me

Get laurence fish burned king of new york Apocalypse now which was redux was on monday for veterans dad watching Apocalypse now is a fucking savage first time i watched i went to see it with louis castolito And dig of the dog and we both fucking know it was the same person on curtee lorenzo And we took double barrel fucking sunshine acid and in front of the movie theater There was an ice cream cone that somebody had turned over with ants on it Okay, my friend just picked it up and started eating the fuck right in front of us And they stand we're all trippin on acid the ants were on the ice cream and they was eating the ants and everything

Science bitches So what i'm trying to say to you Look at the three different levels of his acting laurence fish burning get back to me Get back to me tell me that this black bad to the bone black mother fucker doesn't deserve an oska Like my man lee roi up there lee roi wasn't really roi done He said i couldn't believe this guy gave me a shout out in the park That's my favorite fucking black dude lee roi whatever his fucking name is you bad black mother fucker Let's throw something out for the black people today a little gin and juice brother. Let's do something by snoop dog

I'm in the mood I got my glasses on looking like a half a momo hit it lee Oh We know about this lee wring a funk with joey It's wednesday motherfuckers get your shit together So much drama in the lbc kind of heart beating snoop d or double g. Let's do it Oh Oh

I got pictures in the living room getting it on and They ain't leaving till six in the morning. What oh shit lee ring the bell cocks I can blow the whistle So turn out the lights and close the door, but we don't love it Go lee what droppily oh shit Oh shit lee lay back what oh It's wednesday the church always happening now berth christia dropping knowledge on you motherfuckers. Of course. I know that last line Hi My money and my money and my money get your shit together cocksucker with your money and juke cocksucker. That's why I love you

I love this guy lee Siet I want to talk about music real quick before we lock it off. I know we're going over here The time you guys got to get up go to work and do your thing One of the family members on twitter Told me about because listen, I got a bunch of albums in my mind and again the same thing stands with music I'll take an album for you and break it down the best of my fucking abilities just because Whatever uh when I came from cuba Listen to be fucking cool. Yeah, listen to the Beatles

You know, I remember being in the first grade or whatever the Beatles the Beatles kindergarten. I remember my first beatle album was help You know, and I liked all that shit. I really liked the first album meet the Beatles. It was great One day, I don't know what the fuck I bought an a-track. I went to my mother's bar and there was an a-track from rubber soul And I must have been 12 and I was just starting to get high a little by little right And I put rubber soul in and I thought my fucking mind was going to explode And I had and I didn't really I was always a closet beatle fan Like I didn't I too many people like the Beatles It wasn't like springsteen that too many people like springsteen, but I didn't like them the Beatles

I kind of liked the fucking people were crazy about them every there's a time in this country When you spoke about talk to you about the Beatles getting back together. It was fucking ridiculous The Beatles getting back together beatle you're too young. You don't remember that your parents fucking this was amazing People couldn't wait for the Beatles to get back together You know, but in that time I listened to rubber soul, and I liked it and then one day I listened to a fucking out that blew my mind All right, and uh, I'm just double checking the time being and uh Fucking killed me. It's an album called revolver. It's the album right after rubber soul

Lee this album is so badass But the thing I liked about the Beatles and that contrast was Then again, I listened to help and I listened to all the early stuff meet the Beatles And I can't remember there's too many albums to remember folks. It's too early And I've been hitting the vape and pen late. This is the last one in the world So I'm stoned to the gills. So I'm sorry if I'm whatever but I The way they had changed Lee The way the music had changed right in front of my eyes like from help to fucking, uh, you know, I mean if you listen to

If you listen to rubbers revolver, let me tell you what's on fucking revolver, right? You got the tax man. You got elinor rigby I'm only sleeping yellow submarine Good day sunshine and got to get you into my life right right there one two three four five six Six fucking songs you hear on the radio all the fucking time people. All right So it's um, it's the top third album of the top 1000 albums of all time That shit doesn't mean nothing to me when I looked at this album I looked at it for what it was and I was like I got to turn motherfuckers on to this album

So today I don't give a fuck what time you do it today tomorrow this weekend Whether you like the Beatles whether you like whether the fuck you like or you don't like Because everybody shows up at this fake. I'm still getting shit about tom wates And I said it the right way was people to listen to him because they think they're cooler party Like y'all put the Beatles on yeah, put the Beatles put spring steam and there's always that one moment with the hat twisted all the way Sinatra that's confused whether you should suck a dick of sniffing asshole There's always a oh put on tom wates and some girls say oh my god and he'll look that's why I don't like fucking tom wates Then I put the music on and it was the fucking it felt like fucking some iranian pukin in my fucking bathroom

That's why I don't like it. This is the fucking album you listen to you dumb motherfuckers This is what started off without this we wouldn't have had sound garden We wouldn't when you listen to fucking blow up the outside world If you don't hear letting then you should end it right fucking now If you put on blow up the outside world or like two or three of those Beatles of those sound garden songs And you don't hear the Beatles in there. You might as well shoot yourself for the fucking eyeball All right, listen to this fucking album put on tomorrow never ends my friend my little Jewish friendly the bad motherfucker. This is what I'm talking about. So all these songs around this album

There's 14 total songs on the album. I'm giving you six and to top it off. This one's on a hit it Lee Hit it What Opening fucking line he's got feet opening line Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the last song on the second side. This guy opens up play that line again. Lee This guy opens up with fucking, you know, whatever the fuck he says. I'm too fucking wound up right now

He's kind of something's got me round up. I love it. Listen to fucking are you at all these? I think harrison wrote two songs Turn off your mind relax and float down fucking stream. Are you kidding me? This does not die You just live it motherfucker You're just living like jesus on a fucking broad. You just let life take you where you got to go It's wednesday. You filthy motherfuckers plays that shit, Lee I think it was 1960 fucking something when the sound was released 60 are you fucking kidding me people half years were itching your daddy's nutsack. He was scratching you right now with the fucking nutsack I still gotta leave it on a wednesday

I love you motherfuckers if I get emotional I get crazy is because I want you to take something from this I don't listen to movies. I don't watch movies or listen to music to impress you motherfuckers. I'm giving you something I'm giving you the inspiration. They gave me this is the shit when I hear this in the gym Because I have that on my iPod whenever I hear tomorrow's be like an emotional I want to cry because I was never that good. I wish I could write music like that the tax man Eleanor rigged me got to get you into my life. I wish I could write that should I have a hard time writing a dirty joke And these motherfuckers are writing so looks I get a hard time writing a joke about eating ass my favorite And

That's the name of your next album eating ass my favorite That's what lily lily get ready to eat that ass. I've been seeing them flossing lately Just get ready for that chick to fart in his face. We got the kind I got like six names We got donations. Some people want to fuck off forget about it. What do you got planned the next two days? Just work it but I I I want to I wanted to say something before we finish what do you want to say that that think you know really it uh it kind of validated things because my My my mom and my dad mostly my mom especially um and my dad but both of them I had to write thank you notes for everything you have to like I I remember once

We went to buy suits and the guy at the suit store was like really nice He got my brother and I each like three suits and spent like the whole day with us And we had to we had to write thank you notes And I was like, I don't want to write thank you notes and we went back the next year And like he stopped and he he it was like the biggest thing for him and it just the thing I got I got a little bit jaded when I got out here because I went on a bunch of interviews I didn't get the jobs and I wrote thank you notes. I never heard back from anyone I was like fuck it isn't working. So I stopped doing it

But just the fact that you had that on your wall for over 10 years. It's just it Even though the people might not have hired me. I'm sure they have it somewhere or it meant something to them So I got a stack of fucking notes. I got a stack of thank you notes Every audition I go to every meeting I go to I said a thank you letter You know why because I assume that nobody else is doing it and again, who does it the fucking jews? That's who does it your mother taught you how to do it and Ari knows how to do it Because this means more to somebody anything in the world When I give shout outs to people here, right because it's just a little thank you

I don't have your address But just to acknowledge you like so that you know, I was thinking about you this means more to check This means more than fucking you lying to me or getting my dick suck this I this I got to look at every day and think about you I put that on my wall, bro with other people's thank you or notes that have moved me I put this on my fucking wall guys. This is what makes me happy in the morning This is what this is it and took him probably five minutes to write five minutes of his time I bumped into mazge brani about six years about four years ago at target And uh, we were shopping he I instead he showed me his baby and I've known his wife before they were married

And he goes, what are you doing here? I gotta buy thank you notes And he looked at me weird. He goes I used to send thank you notes I should get some and he went over and got some because it takes you back to basics These are the things that you got to assume in in this career right now with acting. I don't act a lot I like to you know, I mean, I think my goose is cooked on a tv show or whatever But if they put me on like this show here, I have a great time Before I leave this week, I'll send the casting director a fruit basket And I'll send the executive producer one of the producers. Thank you. No

Even if they throw the fucking thing out when I go to an audition before I take the audition off my computer When I get home before I don't do anything I pee when I hug the cats and I come in here and I write a thank you note And I put it on the ledge so the next day it's out of here My wife takes it on the way out the fucking door. I take it on the way out the door So if you're not if you're not getting success on what the fuck you're doing, send a thank you note And that's a jewish thing because your parents did it but you didn't he did it You go to target. You should always have thank you cards

When I go to target or walmart, I always get a little thank you card for people because what do you got to lose? You know I'm saying It's it's crazy and ended uh Every and every and sick because I went on probably a bunch of interviews before I got the job I'm at now and no one like I thought maybe it would give me the job or or or someone would at least call To that was nice. I got nothing and then it got me a little bit not kind of jaded. Yeah, jaded on This is what you do you keep doing what you're doing because you know what you're doing you're putting energy out into the world That's it this morning when I got up

I put the saying of the day was tell somebody you love them and I went outside and I was looking around I'm like wow it's fucking still dark out and stuff like that. I'm already putting that energy out there Yeah, so at least you're doing something and it always counts for something in a year from now Somebody's in the contact you and say hey you are you are looking for a job you interviewed for me about three years ago I kept your record because you sent me that thank you card. They'll all come Face, you know They'll all come and you can do that when you're broke cost 30 cents to send the stamps somebody somebody sucks your dick out of Light you can send them a thank you card

That's joey Diaz ones. Sure. It's fucking wednesday. Well, I'm trying to keep it here serious I want to talk about one last thing that Really because people gonna bust my balls. We don't have a take one of the most anticipated fights of the years this weekend It's carlos conduit against gsp If you know anything about me, I'm a big gsp guy, but on the other hand, I respect something. I respect murder All right, I respect murder in my life. I've been a fan of carlos conduits since the wec something about that kid When he fought I forget who he fought rory mcdonald. He was getting beat up and uh,

Greg jackson said to him get in there cocksucker And he went in there and he elbowed him and they disqualified the fight That's what my assumption was right There was something about him that I really liked and I started watching him He beat marvin campman. He beat all these guys. So I think I don't know what happened And uh, he'll come kim and hardy and I followed him all the way and against Diaz You know Diaz's we got the same namesake and I love them. They're crazy, but as a better as a fighter I had the edge on them. I don't know why

And I gave out Diaz as a joke, but I kept saying this is a bad mistake here And sure enough he fought Diaz great and had a great fight and stayed away from him and people say he ran It was a smart fight. Yeah, see that's right. I I'm a casual fan at best and you've been watching for a while And I people always say boring fights boring doesn't necessarily mean bad But all I remember from that fight was him running around. It was very technical Whatever and but I mean, I guess when the bottom line is you or you're trying to win So however, however you get to why are you trying to win? You're trying to throw the guy out of his game So now he wins the interim thing and here's the funny thing whenever I go to uh, ufc and I see greg jackson

The first words out of my mouth beside hello, greg hello, mr. Jackson's house carlos doing And I've always said this chocolate dels a great fighter, you know, uh John jones a great fighter But if if it's me and him and 20 Puerto Ricans around Will chocolate dels take somebody's land inside or with john jones take somebody's tongue on piss on it I don't know they're good fighters I have a funny feeling carlos conduit would light your body on fucking fire after he stabbed you I just have a feeling about carlos conduit

He's the type of guy that after he stabbed you look around there's be six bodies on the floor He'd say go to the car and get the gas. We're gonna light these motherfuckers on fire. I really think he's a killer So I think that's why they call him natural born killer now the odds came out. He's 360 to whatever You know, listen the smart money you have to go with With gsp But in my heart, I love to see carlos conduit come out there and confuse everybody I'm not betting the fight. I like them both too much The fight i'm fucking betting is the fight I really like on this card is marvin campman against johnny hendrix

Johnny hendrix is a fucking bad motherfucker nc double a wrestler It's hard and fuck martin campman. It's just an animal who's been a tear lately And he does good against these guys that come out. So I think he's lost twice by punches But like against jago out of these animals. He's contained them. I really like martin campman in this fight I will bet martin camp nothing personal against johnny hendrix. I love them both. This is a great fucking fight But I like martin campman. That's it. That's it. That's all I got for you people. I got no excitement I got no big picks There's a couple good fights on the card to bet, you know, I can't think of all of them right now

I didn't even write them down. Just remember it's wednesday motherfuckers. We were here. We had berg christ We had a great fucking time today. You know, I love you. Lee you dirty motherfucker. What do you got? What do you got packed up for the weekend, lee? We're not cooking. You don't have to work this weekend. No, thank god. I'm gonna watch the fights Uh, my my my cheat days are on the on saturday or sunday and my friend makes his own wings So i'm fucking you know me chubby guy. I'm counting down the seconds. You're like blue cheese or ranch Of course, I like blue even before you said that I There's a bunch of stores that will only have ranch and I won't I'm not like you

I won't leave but I'll just get something else and oh, I can't even imagine And I'm not even a big spicy guy. I I can't really handle it out for some reason but fucking blue cheese and oh With some but I don't like my wings really hot. I like a mild I like to taste the franks and the butter. I like that shit around it I love to dip it in blue trees. That's fresh blue cheese with the chunks in it. Yeah, and that shit But that's like 10 000 fucking calories. You get constipated for fucking a week. You got wing bones coming out of your ass It's a fucking nightmare Anyway, dog. Listen, we started late. I'm sorry. We started late

We got a lot of things going on just because myself Felicia aren't doing beauty by beauty beast podcast anymore We're still up for the award. It'd be great to end it this way like arrest of development You know I'm saying we quit on the way up You know that type of shit so people keep saying bring it back We don't know we have to get ron howard to write it. No, you had the fuck out of here They still haven't brought back arrest of development 20 years fucking later. Oh, no, it's such an intellectual or an intelligent show Get the fuck out of my face Go take a dick up your ass and then uh

And then get your shyish. I love you too. You sexy motherfucker. Look at you Uh, what was I saying? So please vote for the podcast awards this weekend. There's only a hundred seats per fucking show Friday, it's $12 saturday. It's $15 joey d is live the comedy spot stop in scotsdale Call up now the link. I'll be there friday saturday four shows hundred the tickets are gonna go Don't come crying. Let me joey. I need this. I need that you got dick And then uh, what else we got the documentary on fucking amazon We got the documentary on payloads testicle testaments are still doing this thing But the most important thing is do me a favor subscribe leave a comment for yonkel joey

We're trying to get some action there. Uh, I've been reading up on this omnit stuff So hopefully next week i'll give you some links to omnit the fucking The chocolate shake is the best fucking shake i've ever had in my life And I use it as a mere replacement and i'm losing a little fucking weight Believe it or not it's high in protein because you get some lean protein and the thing the pills for the Chlamosamine and the glucamine for your joints as a fat fuck you always need it Especially if you want to walk around the park your feet hurt your knees hurt It's a great combination and put it together with them get them sponsored ups

We could sell you more stuff and tell you about what we got going on Also, we got man great coming up, uh, the fucking steak thing to cut your steak for men We got them coming up But besides that dog, I love you motherfuckers and i'm happy that you come every morning And you get high with me you listen to music with me and lee and we're here We're a big fucking family, you know what i'm saying on stickum and uh next wednesday We got next monday and we got wednesday next week, which is the uh 21st There's a wednesday and the 19th is on tuesday. It's my friend's birthday on the 20th g

San jose I want to give him a shout out Is this anyone saying yeah, whatever what the fuck you laughing about? You better put 18,000 puffs every time we have the longer the longer the phone call the higher you get after and that's just Funny what am i gonna do i'm sitting here i'm vaporizing i'm talking to my man Break right where i'm gonna sit here like a fucking pope and looking fucking bible scriptures I got that type of time god 50 i won't put in the grave on the banana peel anyway To just top it all off listen. It's wednesday. Have a great week. All right subscribe leave a nice note for your uncle

Joey have a great week. You got thursday and friday. I won't see you this sunday But i'll see you monday morning whether you rock wednesday and then me and lee are gonna get together how Thanksgiving morning and do a quick hour for you before you go off and see your family We'll have some of my family call and tell some fucking stories. I love you guys with all my heart Lee, what do you got for me? One of my favorite songs off of that album is elinor rigby. So i Oh, is it really you like that album? Yeah, I I didn't know the rest of the songs But I really I like elinor rigby if it's a song if it's a song. I think it is and yeah, I like get together Lee it's the fucking song you think all right cocksucker go to joeycocodeas.net if you want to send me an email

I love answering the emails. I email them on did you just fart cocksucker you just bent over and dropped the rose People on the youtube video saw you when josh both called and he did this. Yeah, what they say They just said they just said he ripped the fart and he didn't even care. I don't care. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna i'm gonna i'm too old to care about a fart you either sniff it or you don't that's it That's my fault no movies today, but we'll see you next week guys have a great fucking week You know, I love you to all my heart. Thank you for all you do for me. I'm twiddling on facebook. Send me some love stay black Hell in a rate be oh shit oh shit where a wedding has been It's in a dream

Waits at the window wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door Who is it for all the lonely people? Where do they all come from? All the lonely people Where do they all belong? Father Mackenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear No one comes near look at him working Darling his socks in the night when there's nobody there

What does he care all the lonely people? Where do they all come from? You