Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/18/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #128

Episode Date: November 18, 2013

Kent Vella calls in to talk to Joey on the 26th anniversary of Joey Kitdnapping Kent. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 11/18/2013.

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Oh shit. Oh shit. Monday November 11th. No November 18th. Oh shit. Get up. Shake it motherfucker. Blast that. Lee what the fuck. That's some real motherfucking black people there. What? Uh. I'm coming baby like the big black. Are you fucking kidding me or what? The church of what's happening now. Monday the 18th of November. I don't care if you're white. You got a black dick today. Work that motherfucker. You hear Black Friday. It's Black Dick Monday. White Chinese Filipino. I don't give a fuck. You got a black dick. Shake that motherfucker. What are you kidding me or what? Go out there get your dick and tell him I'm arrived. What's up baby. I'm

on fucking. I'm really a stabber motherfucker right in the ear lobe. What's going on baby? Nothing. An amazing weekend. What'd you do? Nothing. It was great. How fucking amazing is it? Well you didn't do nothing. No we didn't. You went to the thing. You got some fish right. They cooked the fish for you. No I was thinking about it because uh. Thinking about what? Fucking relaxed. You know he comes in this morning. It's like you're fucking. I said he drank a Red Bull and he yelled at me for about 10 minutes. I went faggots drink Red Bull. That's right. Red Bull is for fucking faggots. All right. Real motherfuckers grab their nuts and that's where the energy come from.

Your chakras. That's where the patois comes from. Your fucking cock. It's all based around the core. You grab that motherfucker when you're home with. It's Monday. Oh my god. Don't give a fuck. Grab that fucking cock. You're getting a shower. You put some hot water on you. You're fucking eat the coffee fucking cup and you get out there on Monday right. Forget drinking coffee. Oh my god. Fuck you bitch. You're fucking get out there. It's Monday. Somebody's eating your fucking lunch and you're playing fucking games. Reading the comic book or watching Breaking Bad. Get your shit together motherfuckers. That's all I'm telling you. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I agree it is. Strong Island. I love you. Governors.

Whether it's a fucking one McGuire's or governors. I love you people. You people fucking crazy. They sent Lee shirts. I mean it's like a little home for me. I love you guys. Thank you for keep coming back. I got shout outs for you but that's fucking later on. It's Monday. I said it last night on Facebook at the 26th anniversary since I kidnap Ken Vella today. So I'm feeling kind of you know whatever they call it lemon lime. I don't know what's that expression. You know oh shit. Love to love to love you Lee Syat. We got fucking the church of what's happening now is serving. Lee's not working no more. He's done no more editing too in the morning. So now he calls me. I'm going to Vegas on vacation. What fucking vacation? It's on vacation.

Now is when we're going to fucking work. What vacation? You'd be fucking around for six months editing and putting fucking videos together. White people cooking and some guy with a fucking dog. I don't even know anymore. I'm just happy to be. I'm happy you people awake. I'm happy you people doing your thing. Got a lot of emails. I didn't watch the fights live but I watched them when I got home yesterday. You know. I guess Chad was son and ain't the great white fucking hope. Well they're having a fight every two weeks it seems like. Well in November they were busy. They had a big card in November and you see Grudge match sponsored the fight. Yeah. They showed the fucking trailer and shit. Oh they showed the trailer. I got about a thousand

fucking hits so thank you. But it was really weird about GSP. I've been thinking about GSP and a lot of people whatever whether he won or lost. You know I think what's his name. Beat him. Maybe on points or something. I mean he fucked his face up. I mean GSP was fucked up. And the other guy was not even a mark on his face and he was very upset. You know Mike Dolce was in his corner. Mike Dolce prepped him. But it's really funny about GSP. He wants to take some time off. And I did a video years ago that I fucked with Duncan. He's a Satan guy and I tell him Duncan you know and the main thing of the video was about knowing what you get yourself involved in. You know 15 years ago you go into a fucking gym league and you start doing push-ups

and also you start going to smokers and you fight for free and then next thing you know you're fighting in some small league and next thing you know you're fighting the UFC and before you know you're the champion of the welterweight division and life goes from being 22 miles an hour league to 98 miles an hour and overnight your life gets thrown fucking upside down and it's not about training no more. It's this you know and if you know him he's has an addictive personality. I mean when GSP trains for a fight it's non-stop. It's gymnastics. It's basketball. He runs. He swims. You know he does ballet. I mean this fucking guy prepares himself. He understands he's a true champion and people don't realize you know when you get yourself involved in something what you're

really getting yourself involved in it doesn't become about fighting no more. It's about the media and advertising and who goes on your shorts and who's sponsoring you and who doesn't want you to say this in interviews and you know he got I don't know how many millions of dollars from Gatorade and so your life goes from one extreme to another and you really got to know how to handle it. You know what I'm saying? It seems like he's handled it well. I'm a new fan but he doesn't seem to be crazier. Well he's been no no no no he's a great grounded guy you know he's had the title I think since 2009 or 2008. I don't know dates but in my mind that's a lot of fucking years yeah and that's a lot of pressure and that's a lot of whatever sacrifice. Is it the same thing that

happens to Silva in the last fight you think? No no no it's the same thing that happens to a lot of people. Life moves too fast and you have to know what you're getting yourself involved in to lead. You know sometimes like I'm telling you Lee you know sometimes like you finally find your dream and you find your voice and you're just happy to be doing it and next thing you know life just gets turned around on you and you know you don't need money and now you have 15 people around you at all times and you went from having a manager to having a publicist and a fucking agent and this and that and this and that and life just becomes overwhelming and at one point you have to catch and go that's it you know and it happens in a lot of different fucking

aspects of life you know. I got an email yesterday from a kid in Miami who lives with his father he's 20 okay he wants to be an artist you know and he's he emailed me before and I told him to get a job and he got an apprentice I don't know what the fuck happened and it worked out another job is ending and he's getting pressure from his father again we've all been in that position you're getting pressure from your family you got a fucking job but you want to be an artist whatever you want to choose you want to be a musician whatever he wants to do you know there comes a point where all you need is money to fuel your dream but you know you don't want to work you know you can't take a day job because you're busy with the band or whatever you're busy with so your living becomes hard and

it becomes frustration it gets fucking so frustrated yeah that now you found your dream but you're fucking broke you found your dream but now you're fucking broke so now you gotta finance you gotta figure out a way to finance your dream and that's like just keep working harder at your dream some people say fuck well I'll get a job and work it slow no because the quicker you dive into that dream the quicker you'll make a living in that dream you know I'm going through it right now I still my parents still now because they knew the job was adding we're like are you looking for a new job I said no I I'm just doing gonna do this but it took me three years and I saved up enough money for probably like six months if I had to and I'm gonna get unemployment and you were like what's

all this bread for I went and got like fucking peanut butter and bread and I'm still gonna go out with the girl on the weekends but I'm gonna just eat here for like the fucking no more Mediterranean oh I'm gonna have to I love I do I do it even just for the phone call because I know you're calling 20 minutes well hummus is cheap right that's like peanuts oh no I have two things that hummus in the fridge I bet you do you nasty motherfucker you probably rub it all over your body but it's really weird what when you're home and you're frustrated you really want to do something you and that frustration sometimes I don't want people if you get involved in something you really have a dream don't let that frustration beat you don't ever let that frustration beat you use it

to strengthen you yeah you know I was in the same boat as you motherfuckers I was living in Seattle I was starting to get funny at 22 minutes I'm making fucking $50 a set I'm living in an office and I wanted more you want more so fast you know you want more so fucking fast but then you get it fast and you don't know how to handle it so I'm happy it came the way it did little by little every year I got better at what I did and every year I picked up another movie I picked up another 30 minutes of comedy you pick up things along the way but sometimes it gets overwhelming like for GSP and that's why I tell people you have to know what you're getting yourself into sometimes you just can't look at the short range you have to look at what happens if I do that what's gonna

happen to my family I gotta travel that's just something I want to do I've met stand-up comics that one day came to me in Seattle and said bro I don't like going on the road I don't like going on the road is this still gonna work out for me yeah you have a dream but part of that dream you have to work around it's like doing jiu-jitsu you just can't become the king at your uh at your gym you have to go to different gyms and see what other people have to offer and it makes you better that's what makes you better and you know uh years ago three years ago I was gonna fucking quit and just do comedy locally and I'm happy I didn't I'm happy that Twitter came along and and I'm meeting because right now the stand-up is good but it's the people I'm meeting

that's even better like Stephen Coyle fucking tweets me every fucking day comes to the show in Long Island Saturday night and leaves I always go outside but I take 10 minutes just to drive the sweat off me to drink some water to let it cool down so the waiters could pass their checks so it's not a commotion he left I like meeting people who communicate with me on Twitter or Facebook or fucking however Instagram I don't even have fucking Instagram but whatever the fuck they do yeah I like when people connect with me and shake my hand at the end I see their energy and it's just so weird how the gsp thing messed with me because I know what it is to get caught up in something he said something that he couldn't even sleep at night when something's affecting you

that you're not sleeping I'm like maybe he's not happy with it no more maybe he's hit so many plateaus that he's just not happy with it no more you know and that's why like something like Diaz I get confused between Nick and Nate Nate's the younger one Nick Diaz doesn't want to fight no more because he enjoyed fighting for what it was then it became something else it became something else I'm getting paid way too much money to do this shit people want autographs some people can't fucking handle it some people really can't fucking handle it so my heart goes out to to gsp and whatever the fuck he wants to do whether he won or not I don't know I'm no fucking fighting judge you know I know his face looked like he got hit by a fucking truck and it's sad there was some good fight stone

you know I know you watch some shit but I don't fucking know what else is happening at least I had well I didn't get to watch him but it seems like especially with uh John Jones and uh whatever that because that's any fight last time yeah it seems like when you're the champion the you you really have to you really have to beat the champion it can't be because even even the people who apparently who said that uh what did the Hendricks won it was only like by like one or two points it wasn't like he destroyed him in the points or something and like I didn't see it so I'm I'm sure I'm sure he did win but it seems like you always have to they like they're in like in the NBA they always give the the season guys the benefit of the doubt with the fouls and you really have to

like convincingly can't leave a doubt in their mind so I'll have to watch it later today but actually you sound the way out because the next time I learn something the next time I won't leave it in their hands yeah you know that's a big lesson you want one of these bro I'll take half of you let's get this fucking party started Claire Cheebo Chew sponsoring this fucking podcast yeah they're fucking cool they're cool people now Cheebo Chew I'll tell you I was looking at their shit this week I was looking at the the 70s the ones with the medical they have the aspirin the pain relief okay that's the most genius thing I've had sometimes I work out and does it help you like with your joints and stuff yeah it takes away the little bit of a knee pain

you know this listen man as far as the I remember like smoking dope and I had a toothache yeah you know at least really bad root canal one time like five years ago when we lived in Hollywood and I was throughout the holidays so the dentist was closed and blah blah blah and I remember smoking pot and going to say medical this shit don't work and then 30 minutes later going what happened to my toothache I got so high I forgot about my fucking toothache so I guess it does fucking work you know I'm paying that's what it is if what's the taste of it don't it you know it's just swallowing you know you're going into the void it's the only it's I can only do gummies yeah no the gummies are very easy look at your face you start breathing your eyes what happens to

you why you get panicked you can't go into panic mode that's I'm not panicked it's uh just remembering fucking the last five podcasts fucking void you know what I'm saying do me a favor yeah what's going on put it into the void by black Sabbath sure just put it into the void just so you can listen to it this is where your mind is going when you eat a fucking gummy bear I can still type so it hasn't worked no no no it's not gonna fucking do nothing listen to this motherfucker this is what happens to you when you one of those gummy bears not a monday with your big black dick what crank that motherfucker this is what happens when you eat one of these uh what do they call fucking green hornets from chibo 270 milligrams of death how many did you eat you ate half of

that ain't half cocksucker take another little bite oh no that ain't half that ain't half that's enough eat the other half before I leave you I'll eat the other half next monday next monday yeah we're having monday what happens there's a nuclear fucking bomb next monday what are you gonna do with that speed that up a little bit listen to this shit okay speed that up a little bit speed that up a little bit more oh shit that's it that's a chibo chew entering your head right there crackily oh shit

oh shit back on earth the flame of light burns low everywhere is misery and well cut that shit what mother fuckers break out that fucking number it's monday anyway last night I put that it was 26 years since ken veller and he won't return my calls and you know 10 minutes later the fucking phone rang and it was ken and it's weird because I hope he calls today you know I didn't schedule another guest I just wanted him to call I'll call about a quarter to seven to remind him and hopefully he calls he might be embarrassed but it's weird you know how I feel I always feel weird on this day I always think about the kidnapping I wear it close to my heart like a metal avana and I tell you why because it changed my fucking life completely in so many fucking levels

it changed my life completely in so many fucking levels and I'm not saying that maybe you have to go to prison to find that way you stand in life but it seems sometimes nothing really nothing really good comes out of your life unless you take a big chance and then you find something out about yourself and you shock yourself that you did something like leah for example how many of your fucking friends are out here that you grew up with none not many of them you're out here and you've been out here for four years now yeah it shocks you you haven't called home for money no it shocks you it shocks you it really does that you made a move so that's why I always tell people make a move sometimes you know for some people it's just moving out of the house

for some people it's going away for school for some people joining the service but it makes you find out so many things about yourself it makes you find out so many things about yourself that in a way it's empowering in a way it makes you feel bad like this kidnapping the thing that was that I found out I fit listen man I feel bad that I did a crime I feel bad that I took a guy and tied him up I feel bad that I double crossed the guy and it wasn't who it's not my DNA to do something like that I blame it only the addiction but I take responsibility for it again the coke addiction took over me at one point from 84 to 80 fucking eight and who am I lying to 2007 the coke addiction took over my mind it was just going somewhere else you know it just went to different places I knew

what I could do and I knew what I couldn't do do you think it was like a negative like you turned it into a positive but like you you found something out about yourself in a negative light kind of I found something about myself in a positive light and I found something about myself in a negative light there's so many levels of this where I found something out I didn't like the part of tying them up I didn't like the part of the guy with a machine gun I didn't like all that stuff I'm an old school guy I'll put a gun in your fucking mouth and make your kneel down let's fucking rob you I didn't like all that shit I don't like how he popped up and did all that's not my world at all you know that's not my world at all I like doing shit straight up with people or not at all

you know could have been valid could have been somebody else who I kidnapped that day for drugs eventually I was gonna do something I was already treading in that world where it's bad enough as it is because you're gonna rob the wrong fucking person they're gonna shoot you so I was treading in that world I knew but I didn't know but I didn't give a fuck at that time I really didn't know I was stuck I was stuck in Boulder I was doing good which meant I was stuck for the first time in my life I was doing good I was making a living I had clothes I drove a car I had an apartment I lifted weights I had a dog I had a girlfriend I ate at restaurants you know what didn't I have going on I went to classes two nights a week but that wasn't good enough did you ever think

that's why like you didn't oh yeah like if this was a movie you you would have had the before you would have been at in Boulder and you would have like had a moment like you freaked out and like oh now I gotta do a big score because this is too normal there was no reason to do a score yeah it was so normal there was no reason to do a fucking score there was no reason but I was that thing they call self-sabotaging yeah self-sabotage yourself that's all it was I didn't want to go do good in life I didn't feel that I was good enough to move forward sometimes it's not that life or whatever sometimes it's you that stops you sometimes you don't feel you're fucking good enough at the time I didn't feel I was good enough I still have that shit I still have that I watched

Tyson last night did you watch that no you don't have HBO that's fucking right you want to save the $18 well yeah Tyson does a one-man show and it was on last night he talks like oh they filmed that oh yeah they talks about cocaine okay and how uh you know you take cocaine and you fuel low what is that when you self esteem yeah that's what everybody has that shit you know nobody looks in the mirror and goes today is my fucking lucky day unless you work yourself up unless you do things to find out things about yourself that make you believe that you know that day when I kid not better the most important thing I believe was and I tell you these people and you could fucking stop watching this or keep watching this I don't know how to say this without

fucking insulting nobody or even not saying it right because I usually say a lot of fucked up shit yeah who gonna insult this point uh when I went out to the car to pull the gun out and I wanted to go on and shoot them you know I realized I was a pussy for not shooting them I made me feel like a loser for not shooting them but on the way home I realized I had done the right thing I didn't want death in my life I had already death in my life I know what happens when you dabble in death where your life goes but it's not that I didn't like Kent Vella or I didn't like Tidwell when I robbed them whatever that went down I didn't like myself you know I didn't like myself and that was the most important thing I learned about that day

you know I don't know if it was a negative positive right now I'm stuck it was a negative because I hurt someone and I ruined somebody's day and that's anti what I believe yeah I really ruined his day you know even though he kept ruining his day after that you know a lot of people don't know this and if he calls I'll tell him in 97 I hired a public public investigator for $2,000 and I got the Taco Bell commercial just to see how he was doing you know and the guy said he was in Arizona and he had a job whether he was doing drugs or whatever I didn't know you know but the last time I saw Vella I bought Coke from him in Boulder in 1994 or something like that at some bar or something like that in downtown Boulder I know the name of it but I don't like

pearls pearls but it's so weird how it made me find out so many and I wish I would have done something different listen sometimes you go to college okay sometimes a young man or young woman goes to college and they go to college for philosophy they just want to get a degree to skate through to please their parents and when they go in there they find out they like fucking aerospace engineering aerospace engineering or something I'm just making something up guys but you end up striving because you went you you went and you thought you were gonna be mediocre and you ended up going and said fuck mediocrity I'm gonna be the best I could be I'm gonna I'm gonna find myself so this is what happened by me going to prison yeah by me paying my debts

and trust me man I had chances of leaving there wasn't America's wanted wasn't on yet I had a friend in South America who had a Hertz dealership who said I could go down there and be a trainee and work with him and make money in South America those were the things that didn't make me a loser those were the things that didn't make me a fucking pussy that didn't run away I said fuck it even if I get to six years I'm gonna go do my time and I don't know what I'm gonna come out as I don't know if I'm gonna come out a better person but I'm getting what I deserve I figured that if I did the time I was paying the pennants for all the bad things I had done I was even with society because I had a chance to split and I didn't split so by me doing my time going to court that day

and reporting as Jose Diaz and putting the handcuffs on me and walking into my cell that whole thing was for me to get even with life for everybody I robbed every fucking piece of gum I stole that was my way you know I didn't go to jail for Ken Vella if you know the story I mean it wasn't like I robbed some innocent guy that was at home with ten thousand dollars of his life savings no I was robbing a drug dealer him and his roommate with fucking drug dealers that doesn't justify what I did at least I had no means but there's levels to this to make me feel better about what I did yeah hopefully he calls and we can straighten this fucking shit out you said at the beginning that every year like you think about it and you you value it for what it did for you did like

I can't imagine just knowing what you did after you got out until 2007 like it doesn't seem like you did that every year from the time you got out probably I would imagine it's a new thing within the past 10 years maybe or something that you value your time there like when you got out were you like like you weren't negative or anything about really it was right away I knew I knew I'd gotten a chance I knew I'd gotten away it was two or three years of my life and I knew that I had gotten away with murder for the things I had done but now we're even you know I didn't pay taxes from 91 it's a 2005 or 2006 or something like that I went down to the tax thing with my wife and we worked out a deal because I went down there and worked out a deal with the IRS they forgot

they only went back seven years which they do on everybody but I went and worked the deal out I didn't you know I'm saying I walked in there voluntarily myself they were just gonna garnish me they don't give a fuck the government will garnish you quick and shit you know but it's just amazing sometimes we have to face your responsibilities and I didn't even know what I was doing I was facing my responsibility but I wasn't claiming responsibility yeah there's a big fucking difference yeah I was just gonna say like I mean I don't want it to seem like I'm busting your balls in the morning paranoid because of the fucking edible but uh like if you if when you got out of prison you were like you saw for what it was immediately why did you keep doing

coke for all that time after because in reality you were clean and after you got out of prison oh yeah I was clean but all I was doing it was a part of my life I was chuckling jiving brother that's what I did best I was chucking and jiving around the topic you ever uh have to clean that printer you have to clean that printer Lee yeah you have to clean it but you don't want to clean it you rather paint the fucking wall than clean that printer we used to have a friend that had always things to do there was always a podcast to edit but they would do everything else but edit the podcast and then when they wouldn't edit the podcast they use it against me do you understand well I did videos well I could care less about the videos you were supposed to edit the podcast

there's a lot of people who live their life like that that charge to clean the printer that's what I was doing I wouldn't I was never cleaning the printer I was doing everything around here but cleaning the printer but I cleaned the door but I did the windows but I vacuumed but I took the scum off the fucking couch that doesn't matter I didn't take care of what was supposed to take care of the fucking coke problem with me man I wasn't out of fucking prison a week and I was already had to line up my nose I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you you know I see the light oh my god no I got better you know when you walk into the jail your uh officer the gentleman he says you didn't get your shit together you just polished up the corners a little bit when I got

out of jail I was I didn't get my shit together I just bullshitted myself and polished the corners a little bit now I knew how to worm myself around the system more I knew that I was never gonna cop over an eight ball and have it on my person I always knew that I was cop coke a gram at a time so if I got arrested I could blame it on the addiction I knew so many fucking things now to escape that when you go to prison it makes you a better criminal yeah you're saying you know it makes you a better criminal if you if you meet different people you could become a better criminal some people will be a criminal all their fucking life and end up dying in prison take somebody like carlos laid there who was new york city born and raised whatever the fuck he was and he went into

time and when he was doing time he figured out routes from columbia so when he got to the prison he went to the uh meddling cartel and he said I want to handle your transportation he became a better criminal when he went in he he met old-time guys who said no you don't fly into Miami you should fly into arkansas and cut a deal with clinton you know that's where all the coke was going everybody thought it was going to miami that's where the amateurs were taking the coke the real motherfuckers are taking it to ark you follow me there's little things when you go to prison that you only find out when you're in prison the thing that devastated me the most was people talking about undercover cops how they would get busted and then three weeks later go to the

preliminary hearing and there was an undercover cop but he wouldn't show they just had testimony from undercover cop and then by the time you went to trial the undercover cop would show up he would go to rehab you get cleaned up he would get his arms his tracks would go away he would shoot in his toes or whatever and these undercover cops were doing drugs with people which in a way is like entrapment yeah you know listen the only way i'm going to sell you a fucking kilo of blows if i see you doing blow you understand me you're not going to show up with a suit and tie and say i'm a business man not in my fucking world that shit works on miami vice you show up to see me to buy fucking coke from me you better fucking do a fucking eight ball in front of me you're following me that's

just me so i found out things like that i i mean i heard stories about undercover cops taking rides with people to miami to buy fucking cocaine and coming back i heard about stories how about people how where they would go to a hotel room and leave coke in the hotel room to sell and go to eat breakfast and they come back the cops are waiting for them because the maids would ratchet out you know it's just i learned so many different precautions i learned you know just you learn so many fucking things from so many different conflicts and how they got caught so it makes you a better so when i came out i was still a motherfucking three hundred dollar day fucking criminal my goal was to go out and

rob every fucking day whether it was shoplift or bump into a truck or rob a fucking house but i did everything under the radar i did everything under the radar when i got out the uh my wife had to draw up the fucking uh a background report last week for the student loan people yeah i got a student loan thrown at me from nine two thousand nineteen ninety or something i thought the student loan so my wife had to get a police report to prove them that had felonies at the time of the student loan let me tell you how fucked up i was guys you want me to tell you how fucked up i was just so you people at home going i can't get my life together i get out of fucking county jail after doing a month for kidnapping aggravated robbery i'm i get out

on bail i post a fifty thousand dollar cash fucking bail my in-laws posted for me i get out i can't get a job selling cars my name was in the papers my head was somebody up and where else so i got a job working at Hertz until i found that job i shoplifted and what i would do every day in boulder there was these uh stores on the hill and by the college that buy cds every college has them buy and sell cds i would go to sears roebuck and walk out of there i was out on bail fifty thousand dollar cash bail i just spent a month in county fucking jail and i'm robbing fucking cds every day to make a living that bruce springsteen won the collection the seven cds whatever i would take that shit walk it up to the fucking hill they give me hundred fifty dollars

and that's how i lived i bought a bag of weed some blow some food for the house i picked my fucking whatever i fucking did at that time you know whatever the fuck i would do i didn't stop so one day i get busted for the fucking all right i walk into sears i put the cds together i get like a shirt i wrap them around the shirt i walk out of fucking uh the sears it's the backside of the mall so nobody can say i'm walking to a car i borrowed from somewhere and i hear hey you stop and i turn around it's a black guy running and a little skinny mexican guy in a scooter like one of those shopping carts yeah and i fucking start running i start running like a motherfucker they're chasing me they're in hot pursuit i'm a little thin i'm out of county jail i'm running i'm in shape i'm

fucking sprinting down but they are hot pursuit they're young kids and i'm throwing the cds out i'd like to throw them off and they're spinning and hitting them in the head and shit so i finally fucking they get me the cops come they arrest me i gave my friend's name in jersey i never told you this i think you still told them on the last podcast a little bit they told they took me to fucking jail yeah they took me to county jail i told them i didn't have an id yeah so they said well you gotta call somebody to come in here and get you i called a friend of mine i go hey yo this is da da da da da i gave him the name come on down here like who it's joe dears i go no no it's dissonance and this come down here tell them you know such and such and such lisa yatt and

get me out of here the person's like what trust me just come down to the county jail yeah and how will they do something like somebody's here for you they're gonna say you're lisa yatt and they got me out let me tell you how demented i was i got a letter because i gave him my address this is how fucking we're taught that i am or some way or another i found that i had to go to court yeah for the shoplifting they call the theft theft on the 200 or something like that i knew it was a misdemeanor so i gave him a fake fucking name and i gave him a friend of mine from jerseys name there's some good motherfucking reefer thing or the edibles kicking in already so yes it is cocksuck it's monday madness here on the church

i get out of fucking jail they send me out in the county jail they send me a letter i gotta go to court fifth after answer i go down there under the name of whatever plead they give me six months probation and 60 days community service where i have to go i pick the aids house where the people have aids i go paint every day i go get them lunch nice people this is how crazy i was now your friend is coming to record because of you about two years later three four years later i go to jersey i mean and my friend says no somebody got arrested and used my fucking name in colorado can you believe that he knew it was me he just already killed you because they send your fingerprints to washington dc and that's when

they come back though this ain't lisa yeah that's fucking crazy so i had to learn my lesson leaves that's what you're saying the cocaine man do you regret doing it it had become such a part of my life well after the kidnapping i didn't really i didn't really let it become my life anymore like from fucking 83 to 87 till i kidnapped that kid i didn't stop you ever eat remember when you ate the edibles yeah the gummy bears uh in uh the ice house last time the next day when i called you you told me you were still high that night you were still high and if you tell some people that you're like you're fucking crazy well let me tell you something you do cocaine five nights a week you never come down you come down off the high but you don't come down off that shit that that

exploitation of your dopamine and all your your your your fucking levels of your body so your body in your mind the thinking somewhere your thinking becomes different because all you're thinking about is that drug for some people toxic cotton for some people terrible for some people for me it was cocaine and no matter what it's always in your mind you can't commit i look at my baby now i look at mercy and i play with it and i love when i throw up in the end i'm having a great time with it and i think of my first child jackie how i remember throwing up in the end all that stuff but i wasn't having the same time the same great time it wasn't getting to my bones you know why because i had an addiction and when you have an addiction to something you can't give 100%

to something because this shit goes into your fucking soul and i didn't know that till the age of 50 now when i saw mercy the differences you know i would have been a different person at that part in my life maybe if i wouldn't have been on coke i would have never left boulder in 95 to try to be a comedian you know there was so many different so i don't know what the coke did to me and what it didn't do but if a little fucking edible stays in your system for 24 hours i can't imagine what cocaine does when you're doing it four or five nights a week it's got to be all you think about it was up in my stage act it wasn't everything man and that that's the bottom line with that shit it just gets into you and there's until you get it out or until you defeat the beast

that's making you snort that shit or drink that shit or inject that shit your life will be fucking the same man you know and i'm sorry i did it you know i really don't give a fuck if he calls or not you know i'm just happy i got this shit off my chest today yeah thank you for beating it out of me let's put some tony fucking bent it on and see what's cracking no more talking about this dead shit and kidnap it that was a long time ago we put it behind this this is all that come and smoke some dope with y'all no come here cocksucker it's monday you can move it's a beautiful fucking jam on a monday i don't listen to it on mondays it really is i can't believe my mom used to play this every day

fucking amazing like the bar it's fucking beautiful fucking jam so it's all about people the church of what's happening now i'm happy you're listening i'm happy you're having a good time but you got to get up and get the fuck out there people are waiting somebody's got your gearus in their fucking pocket what happened to the music cocksucker i'm just dropping some knowledge over tb you know tb and i know him personally that loves company what's the story though what's the next big jewish holiday uh probably hanukkah why are you turning off the music for nobody said turn off the music i asked your questions fucking jeopardy i asked you a question i didn't say turn off the fucking there

you go we're just talking okay what is that you got a late november late november i bought a jew cookie at their gelsons yeah it was a blue star yeah that's for that oh god it's like it changes because it's a different calendar but i think it's like late november early december this year um what what let me give some shout out real quick because i had a really good time in fucking a long time some kid came up vamos brazilian jujitsu excuse me they invited me to train on saturday i didn't have a gi and when i'm out on the road i usually go to bed so fucking late on the east coast that i can't get up in the morning that morning i got up like i ate but i was back in my room by 9 30 sleeping i ate some oatmeal but i want to give vamos brazilian jujitsu a

shout out robin laurel gave us a card one for me and one for you my man jim davis my man zachery fish my man kevin and harrison whatever the fucking brothers steven quail get it together cocksucker raul london oh tony laquasto always putting it together and victor salazar what are you fucking nuts or what and on top of that you know why i'm getting fired up because i'm back on the alpha brain lately oh sure i take breaks from it i take 90 days because you get too fucking intense but it's the hottest day season i'm at the bit slap santa grudge match is coming out fucking brooklyn 99 on tuesday i'm on tomorrow night so after son's anarchy bang you got brooklyn fucking 99 and that's how we roll it motherfuckers you know what i'm saying always here for you always

here for your motherfuckers what else is going on leave what else you do you walk around this weekend no it's with the fucking bridges did you did you kick your feet up on the wall get the circulation going through the blood from your fucking little feet go into your heart you pump that new blood because that's very important you got to be pumped that fucking blood leak okay i'll try it it just sits in your feet and gets fucking purple my feet are fine i think you're sure yeah no but i was thinking about it um what were you thinking i'll wait till i have to say the sentence now but like halfway into doing the podcast like when probably when we moved here i talked a lot about uh feeling like i missed out on some stuff like partying and things like that and this weekend i realized i didn't

this i uh but it's it's not it's because of the of me dating someone now and then the way it's going i didn't miss it like we saturday night we went out and did something but Friday night we just watched a movie and had dinner and it's i i don't like playing Mexican music yeah oh she didn't like she doesn't like mixing music so you don't care what you like she you put it on because you like it she got lingerie that was the first time that ever happened oh i liked that oh i liked that because that was cool um but uh yeah it was awesome it was uh and i i always like clubs or stuff like that so i and like yesterday we went into the pier and got shrimp and it was her mom like i've never hung out with a girlfriend's mom before and it's uh it's just really cool and i

i don't think i missed out on it now i think i missed i was missing out on that and i just everyone else likes going to clubs so i felt like i was missing out you go to clubs you when you go to a club do you sit there and ask yourself what the fuck am i doing here yeah okay guess what me too yeah since day one since i was fucking 17 16 i like concerts i really like going to concerts i like the whole experience of you know the camaraderie your friends and drinking and smoking some pot and seeing some people then not i grew i outgrew that a little bit it started going i like going to smaller venues i didn't want to go to big things and be rubbing up against people bumping up against people but the the bar scene i grew up in a bar scene and in my mother's bar and

then later on in high school you know i didn't have a house in high school after high school i didn't have a place to go that was mine you know you guys went home at 3 30 and you watch your tv i had to go to somebody's house think of your mother coming home and me being on living room watching with your feet up so i knew that wasn't appropriate so i would stay out of people's way so i would stay at this bar jones marry so they had sandwiches and we shoot pool and we drink beer and i wanted to be one of those guys i wanted to be one of those guys on cheese but just never panned out for me you know and then when i got to colorado those bars are different they become like a community of fucking drunks you know a lot of those bars are just people like us you know

instead of being stoners with drunks they do everything together they get buses and they go see jimmy buffett and they go to events together and shit like that and i i like that but i didn't you know but the club thing i always felt out of line for listen i wasn't a good looking guy like that and i wasn't i i could dance and shit like that but i wasn't into the fake scene like i'm not going to give you two kisses internationally you know and i remember going to studio 54 and being more happy just to be there like i was proud of myself for being there but at the end of the day what did it do for me like it doesn't like nobody sees like i went there it's not like i went there and got my dicks up and you know i started coking the bathroom whoopee i could

snuck coke in my own fucking bathroom you know that's what i did yeah so i pick up chicks there and i get lucky no i'm not gonna lie to you and tell you i went to those places no and that's why i never thought they were for me but it's so funny how my whole neighborhood was small minded that way yeah when i went home with my wife my wife was like i always had to get out of here because i always felt like the community was a little small minded all fucking communities are small fucking minded no matter how big of a city you live in how much metropolitan look at my friends 70% of them did the extraordinary they went to college went back got a job in the city and they live in my fucking city and they still hang out with each other and they go to uh you know when

steve of illos band performs they go to the thing was that for me no you know like we went to a show saturday night we went to get dinner and the only place open was applebee's and it was like it was in pomona so it's kind of small townie and there were people hanging out like guys who went in by themselves just to applebee's and were there at midnight to pick up chicks all laughing with the applebee's bartender i was like if this was the best part of my week that'd be a better fucking week so one man's chicken is another man's gumbo but it's the applebee's yeah hey dog you know when you go to fucking uh a small town to do comedy you see things that you sit there and go holy but listen let me tell you how small-minded i was i remember me veneri glen connelly and somebody

else getting in the car is z28 with teatops and driving from new jersey overnight all the way to fucking daetona beach did i ever tell the story i think you had him calling yeah and you were there for like 20 minutes we were there for 20 fucking minutes went to the room packed got back in the car and went right back to the bar we didn't just go home or we hung out we didn't take showers we didn't go see our girlfriends we went right back to joan mary's because we were sick without joan mary's sick we lived across we lived eight minutes across from the one of the biggest cities in the fucking world new york city 24 hours and there was nights we'd go to fucking joan mary stay there till three eat a quailu do blow and that was the biggest thing in our world

and then from there we go to urneys and wake him up and he'd get off the fucking pool table and come and fucking talk to us and shit like that that was the biggest thing that's more mind and mentality yeah but then there were people that since high school never they even had a drink at our bar they went to the city every fucking night and did pills and hung out with artists and uh you know went to eat at this fucking went to this great gallery and so ho or no ho whatever the fuck they call it you know that's not for me and i don't put people down for that bless you that's who we excuse me cock suckers oh i gotta give a blast as an allergy in the room or something so oh my god i like it people people hear me doing this they must be

saying this motherfucker's doing a blast a fucking yeah i ain't doing no fucking yeah you're right i'm just having a good fucking time you so what what happened no i wanted to talk to you about you say something i didn't really understand it until this weekend you say that you finally like made your wife happy and stuff with the kid and i was but now i make unhappy when she sees me you know i'm saying i make a happy with the baby once she sees me that happiness goes pissed off but uh i realized something uh that uh it feels great when you do something for like to make someone else happy like we went to a concert that she wanted i had i never heard of them or anything and i realized while i was there like you're looking at her being so happy uh and like there

were people there and like they were like they were pissed off they weren't having a good time but like the person that was happy but like i made a conscious effort to be happy and like not looking my phone when her band was on and like it seems like before you weren't you didn't have a negative attitude but you weren't like as excited for the kid but now that you have and you are excited and she sees it like it's it was so good for me and don't do it because of like your own personal gains but it's so good for you to do something for someone else i don't know i was just saying the thinking about you saying saying that you like your wife is like really happy now man listen when i was a kid and i had nothing i'd be i'd whatever be in a hotel room and i'd wake up

and i always had loops to call you know and i call lube and i go lube i'm in this hotel room can you bring me 30 bucks man and he'd go yeah yeah yeah give me 30 to 35 minutes and he would show up and he'd bring me 35 bucks he'd bring me a joint he'd bring me a chicken cutlet sandwich he'd bring me uh whatever he had in this house he was gonna throw out the refrigerator to him he thought of me and you know what no matter how bad my fucking life was going at that time not having a mom not having the things i wanted to you know being a fucking loser i mean all these things got brightened when lubes would bring me a chicken sandwich because it's like georgie fucking georgie pisses me to fuck off every time i talk to him on the phone you know i love george

he's my fucking brother i love george george has a lot of faults like me and you but one fault he doesn't have is going out of his way to make people feel good he has the same fault my mom had and that's why those people they die broken hearted because at the end they die alone but at least all your life you tried really hard to make somebody's fucking day you know there's people that bring your food home at night there's people that don't come home to the fucking house without fried chicken think about it bleak if you were sitting there every night at two in the morning you got your fucking wheat bread peanut butter and jelly okay it works for about four nights after four nights you're like how much fucking how many fucking pieces of wheat bread am i gonna

eat before i fucking die correct yeah what if i was your roommate and every night i stopped somewhere and got a fucking steak for you up with a newspaper you know who brings you to a late edition of them daily news you know what i'm saying that's what george used to do and i never thought of it and it annoyed me sometimes when he wake me up you know who else did that my mother my mother would wake you up between the morning with a lobster tail from the best fucking place in the city and i remember putting my shoes down and going what the fuck you wake me up for i have school the next day motherfucker somebody just brought you a fucking lobster tail from belly fucking hungs in the city a lobster egg roll for 36 fucking dollars and you're crying well someday nobody's gonna

bring them to you and that's what happened to me that shit stopped when i was 15 nobody ever brought me nothing that night again you know brought me shit when i lived in 1994 george and that's why george is still around yeah because he touched me you know what man there's nothing like making somebody's day and it doesn't require money doesn't require money that's why you're all fucking full of shit you don't need fucking roses you don't need fucking nothing you don't have to send nobody you don't have to stop them buy them a box of chocolate just a small acknowledgement of what they're going through in that day just a fucking you look fucking sensational today i got on the plane the other day and there was a black woman that had to be about 50

and she was dressed to the nines and she had a big ass so who gives a fuck it's not like i was looking at her sexually but i know that morning that she got up and let's say she was supposed to be at the airport at six with me she got up at four o'clock and unlike me who was in fucking main cabin select i'm virgin you know and with a white t-shirt on with a hole in it like a fucking pig that i am and i was showered and i washed my ass and i washed my balls but i also could fly with a suit on to represent the church or whatever but i don't because i don't want people to think i'm a fucking insurance sales and the church were regular motherfuckers okay but this black woman i took one look at her and maybe she wasn't fucking uh you know a model or something

like that but i knew that she put the effort into looking fucking beautiful and sometimes with women especially you don't have to fucking buy them flowers or tell them some bullshit or some chocolate just look them straight in the eye and tell them let me tell you something you look fucking sensational today and they'll look at you and they know the motherfuckers that are hitting on them and they know the motherfuckers that are saying it like me that i love the fucking shoes you got on you understand me them shoes on fire if i was to fuck you i would fuck you with those shoes on you don't say that but in the back of your mind you're thinking that you're saying that and that comes out in your voice you know what you did for that fucking woman yeah you showed her the

network and not all fucking savages and fucking pigs you know you don't know how my mother taught me that she'd say you take a fucking woman you tell her how beautiful she fucking looks if you see a woman and she's fucking beautiful you tell them how fucking hot they look my mother used to tell me that my mother would see a hot woman and go tell her how bad for the bone that bitch is and i have to walk up at four i would be like five i have to walk up to him like i'm meeting like a half a fact me and my mommy said you look pretty like that my mom would come back and go no tell her that you said she looks fucking good cock sucker and that makes a woman's fucking day you don't have to be no liar and tell a woman once she

becomes your goomba once she understands you let's say a woman's married and let's say you're married and you don't want to fuck them she's just your goomba she's your partner because sometimes you can't fuck every woman in the world but you could make them your fucking yeah yeah what's that word like we made the Germans alias what is allies you can you can make them your allies and then nobody can stop you because there's nobody stronger than a man or woman when they're friends okay so here's the fucking deal you make a woman your ally and there's some day that a woman gets up in the morning she got the kids her husband yells at her you know she gets in the car she got a ticket she comes in the work and you look at her and go let me tell you something

you look fucking tremendous today if i had a knife in the fork i would eat your asshole even though that's a terrible thing to say to a woman she's gonna go back to the desk and say you know what it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive how you like that cock sucker because you went out of your way if i had a knife in the fork i'd eat your asshole that's right what the fuck are you gonna do what the fuck are you gonna do you know what i'm saying that's the truth Ruth making some and it's really weird when you see them smiling and you know it's really weird when you see them smiling and you say to yourself wow i did something fucking good today and even if they don't fuck you even if they don't suck your dick you feel

like a fucking man don't you no it feels great you feel like a fucking savage what's the matter you're high yeah it's monday morning who's better than you no one you're high it's a sunny fucking day oh yeah you got food in your refrigerator you got peanut butter and jelly hopefully this kid's gonna call hopefully he won't call but at least i made the fucking effort to apologize what are you gonna do you know guys i made the fucking effort to be a man and apologize on the air and uh to get his story and for him to call me names on i wanted that today i wanted you guys to hear what i did i wanted you guys to really know about who i am who the fuck you're dealing with and the mistake that i made so when you guys make a fucking mistake you don't beat

yourself up i didn't beat myself up over this mistake either at first because i didn't think i had done anything bad i didn't want to claim responsibilities from my mind i hadn't done anything bad and uh it took me a while so that's why i wanted him to call for that i only wanted to call to embarrass him and i like that i was an apologize from the bottom of my heart and tell him that uh you know i i didn't know what to i didn't know what to expect i'm just happy that he's alive today and he's still not getting because he got in trouble after that too oh he got in trouble with some people after that shortly after that so i just wanted him to know that uh you know i fucked up and the bigger the man the bigger the fucking mistake sometimes you have to

apologize to people he probably knows i don't know i don't think he grasped it that uh how bad i felt over the years about doing something like that uh tying somebody else because i knew it's bad karma and i never wanted to happen to friends of mine and my intentions were not bad at all that day my intentions were stupid my intentions were done for cocaine i mean what was i going to do with the coke i was really gonna plan taking on a plane and taking it to jersey i would have got arrested at some point of that scam yeah i would have got arrested in jersey somewhere along the line i was gonna pay my due that fucking week so whatever was meant to be was meant to fucking be lily lily what's on the agenda let me tell you something so like i was saying

i'm back on the fucking alpha brain take your fucking alpha brain take your hemp force bars the protein powder i've been mixing the chocolate hemp force with the gluten the powder i bought on the side to help my recovery from muscles and all that shit and i'll tell you what i feel fucking great without that testosterone go on fucking on it they're on my joey dears dot net go through their web page there's gotta be something on there you like listen go look at their kettlebells they make some sensational stuff i had some great last weekend leave you know had the best workout week in my life i went to two jujitsu classes and two kettlebell classes okay that's the best i could do at 50 fucking years old and saturday and sunday in north carolina

i did 45 minutes on the epileptical so i basically only took one fucking day off monday and wednesday i went to uh uh the kettlebell classes okay and the trx and then tuesday and thursday i went to fucking jujitsu and friday i flew to long island let me tell you something was a great week but i didn't stretch before i did the kettlebells and i could feel something this fucking growing pull i got i pulled it on stage i didn't pull that jujitsu i didn't pull the fucking the kettlebell classes growing up fucking russian swings or whatever the fuck i pulled it on stage dancing during the first show oh okay yeah like i was giggling around on stage or something and i fucking pulled it and then outside after the first show when i was talking to people i could

fear flaring up and i thought i had a fucking hernia and the edible i made me more paranoid i thought i had a fucking hernia i thought that because i have high blood red cells that they glomerated and i got a fucking blood clot in my dick i mean i was thinking the worst fucking thing i have blood red cells i do have high blood red cells i do i have too many of them i gotta go donate a pint of blood what are you fucking giggling about you think my blood cell count is something of humor no it's blood cell count and you just go saying high red count i do i got a high red blood cell count whatever the fuck what are you making fun of me for why would you give me a fucking half an edible and you'd like to see where it goes and let's

where it goes this is where it fucking goes anyway let me talk to you people about something hard here right you probably tried hulu.com you're probably sick and tired of hearing me talking about hulu plus but let me tell you something you could watch your favorite shows anytime any fucking where jimmy kimmel live shark tank fucking scandal lost the law and order i mean they're all on there right and you could watch every fucking up you could sit there and watch the whole fucking season instead of wasting time all right plus you got fucking hulu originals you got behind the mask and the wrong fucking what's his name the wrong man's yeah whatever the fuck the name of the show but there's something else that's an original on there that i fucking like

like my wife watches on there and it's tremendous again what are you busting my balls for all right for 799 a month you can catch up on your caring shows binge on your own fucking favorites and you can watch a movie you can stream it anywhere on your phone on your fucking tablet on your computer 799 a month what i'm gonna give you is two weeks for fucking free you're gonna go to my box joeydears.net right there on my fucking web page and there's gonna be a fucking click click on to hulu plus what oh shit what's happening my brother nothing brother waiting on you i'm so happy you fucking called kent i love you with all my heart that's all i wanted to tell you you know they i don't know how many fucking hundred thousand of people listen to this show kent and they've heard the story over

the years and i just wanted to call for you to tell you how sorry i am and how bad i felt about that all these years and i'm happy that you're still around and you're kicking ass that's it right on brother right on it was 26 years ago and i know it was a bad day for you and it was all from addiction kent that's it and i told him it was all an addiction thing it wasn't because i was a bad person it wasn't like i kept doing it i you know i basically never gotten fucking trouble again kent so from the bottom of my heart i'm just really sorry how i acted that day and i'm sorry how things went down beside that how are you my friend it's all good man you're forgiven i love you brother and that's it what's been going on in your life since then talk to me about

what the fuck has happened the last 26 years since i saw you oh yeah it's been kind of crazy man you know i uh i kept on with that addiction bullshit for a while man and i ended up going to prison a couple times man and it's just ugly man you know it came to a point where i was tired of getting what i was getting and uh had to change some things man i didn't want to wear oranges the rest of my fucking life yeah it's uh somebody taking your freedom over that fucking powder is just uh ridiculous and you know kent i didn't learn my lesson i just been clean for six and no this month is seven years oh my god it was seven years on friday so it was seven years that i've been sober from cocaine man and uh you know it took me to for the age of 44 or something like that

you know and now i feel a lot better and uh kent i gotta be honest with you i thought about you every fucking day man every time i get on stage i think about you i was always uh when i found john's facebook i was happy that you were alive you know i knew you had your problems how long have you been clean for now you know i've been off of uh that shit for probably about eight years now you know i uh you know i don't i don't i don't drink uh that much at all ever you know i just uh like partaking right in the butt you know i uh the uh the addables and all the great things that are going on with that these days and uh you know i'm a little banged up so it is medicinal for me uh you know i don't have to eat handfuls of Advil i could just uh you know partake in a

little medicine and i'm good and what kind of work are you doing now you know i'm uh i'm a sustainability manager for a uh big manufacturer out here in Tucson we sell windows and skylights and solar tubes all over the world man and i uh i turn it into a zero waste facility and i'm getting ready to put a bunch of solar on one of our big buildings and just trying to set the bar for manufacturing as far as sustainability trying to uh you know do the right thing man we're trash in the planet and it's got to change and just trying to do my part man i enjoyed i was in banking for 20 years man and then that whole banking thing hit the fan what about three four years ago lost everything lost over a million and a half dollars worth of real estate equity

uh just got a really bad taste to my mouth and so now i do something that i enjoy man you know you miss selling cars on uh 28th street in bolder you ever think of those days yeah that was some crazy shit man oh remember uh Peter Pinto and the Reverend Wayne Means yeah i talked to Wayne Means about uh five years ago like we said he was still back in Gebhart maybe even four or three years ago the guy that the other day made me laugh because i was talking to you on the phone i called you veluch you know who used to call you veluch who Carlos Valverde remember the guy that went to jail for bank robbery he had like nine kids he was an Italian from Boston he was from Boston and at lunchtime he would rob banks while he was

selling cars him normal let remember normal let know those fucking savages yeah those guys were savages man they they were fucking savages man we were kids compared to them veller we were kids yeah yeah and we were selling that was a fucking heavy duty dealership i mean you had to be a good salesman to work at the Subaru store in those days Wayne Means the little guy his son fucking Jim Wheeler who i i kept in touch with for years after that it was really a fucking experience i'll tell you what man half the shit i learned from those years i applied today in my regular life yeah so it's amazing this stuff you talk about stability and that you're doing now this management position you got this probably started with what you learned on a line man yeah man we learned i

learned a lot selling cars man it was uh it was a trip dude it was a fucking trip man oh my god i i still remember you saying to me drive me to the liquor store we would go to the liquor store at lunchtime or something while we were selling cars and we'd get like a bottle or something i remember that's how we lunch time we could get a bottle bottle vodka and a fucking fruit punch and uh spike the fruit punch and uh yeah drink all day and uh two lines at the fucking car dealership it was fucking so much fun i remember we used to take the coke spindles and empty them and put them on the floor by Wayne Means and he would find them and he would go nuts he would pick a lot he would go nuts and then we would get cotton balls and put vinegar on him and put him around

his desk and he would come in and go somebody's playing with vinegar again he would get in this car and go home he hated the smell of fucking vinegar and peter pinto that fucking thief oh my god those guys were fucking thieves they were robbing our fucking Subaru money you know who did good after that cat vala who still made millions rick viscer rick viscer the principal rick viscer was a high school principal who quit to sell cars and he became a fucking millionaire from selling cars dog he had this velvet hammer and john caribatsis i saw john years later in arizona at a restaurant one night it's a small fucking world the lucha i'm happy you called today brother uh it means the world to me i wanted you to do this for a long time to just straighten out the a and let everybody

know how i felt it wasn't a proud day for me you know somehow another word is so far you're still alive i'm glad you're straight enough to lie if you got a beautiful baby you know yeah that's all we could do man and i had a baby in boulder you know i had a daughter in boulder after i got out and i fucked that up you know with the wife i fucked that whole thing up with the blow and and the bullshit so i got into comedy and this is uh where it let me fucking can't so yeah uh at the same breath i'm not if i'm never out now like brother i'll look you out okay and if i'm down there in tucson i'm gonna look you up i like to buy your lunch and talk and give you a hug and tell you i love you all right my man you do that i love you too big guy you take care of yourself

you take care we'll be in touch all right brother so what do you think of that we say that that's crazy you dirty fucking bitch we did that is crazy we did it we did it that i'm so fucking happy you know and i'm so happy that you people from the church heard this shit today live that uh i don't know i'm overwhelmed i feel like crying but i can't well what did it mean what did it feel like when he said like you're you're forgiven like he didn't even think about it and no he thought about it though you had to think about it you had to think about this because uh but if you're a human being you you you live your life and you say you know what this is not going to happen again and he said it we never learned we didn't learn he just been clean eight years i've been clean seven

years nobody ever fucking learned that lesson you have to get it out of your system and i'm happy i fucking got it out of my system i'm really happy and i know i get a lot of emails from young kids that are doing drugs and whatever you know what man i'm not gonna fucking sit here and tell you to get off him because you're not 20 000 people told me to get off and i told them oh i'll suck my dick fuck you oh man that's what i am i'm a fucking old man but you know what in time i want you to quit on your own just one day when you've had your fill when you had that first mishap i i never want that day to happen because see my mishap was a bad mishap that could have been worse bullet could have gone off what if we were driving and i was high and i killed the old couple that

was crossing the street you know when i drive here at night there's a bus stop and there's people always at that bus stop i don't see him and one night about a month ago i was driving i said to myself what if i was coked up driving home now and i ran over these people something bad was going to happen to wake me up and something bad always happens to wake everybody up who does drugs the extent of it is what we can't control why go there why go there it could be you falling down the stairs drunk and getting a couple stitches and having a black eye or somebody old dean at your fucking house or you kidnapped by the motherfucker anything could fucking happen so you know i hope everybody learned something from this i'm never gonna goof on this subject again on twitter or

nothing and it's so funny because the people love it on facebook i got like 600 fucking likes i can't believe that shit when i put something i have a great day they tell me to go fuck myself but that's you learn about fucking people and it's funny i always wanted to add comedy to it because for me it was so fucking bad but it's done that's it this is how you do it people you move on 26 years later i'm finally free from the checkers i would really love to hear what like like if in another year i would really love to hear his point of view of it like not not not even just like the whole way the story went down but just like knowing your kidnapping like i get like what he was thinking in the trunk like that would have that would blow my mind hey brother it blows my fucking mind and

then i pray for you guys and the people in my life that that's something like that never happens to him because maybe i did it now it's gotta be but fucking bitches fuck all you motherfuckers so you got your shout outs you got some fucking music you got your fucking on it you got your hulu plus one thing you didn't get i'm gonna talk to you people about this from the heart is dollar shave club i didn't bring uh a dollar shave club to the road this weekend i have one in my bag and i have one in the shower i leave here and i have one in my bag for some reason i took my medication out of the fucking bag and i left the razor so when i flew out i left it and i used the hotel razor and now i see the fucking difference oh you do you follow me so i gotta tell

you it's people something if you you if you bought the razors that they gave me at the hotel that's what you would usually get for that price you go spend six dollars on a bag of fucking razors at cvs and see what you get you get shit that takes your fucking hair lobes out and the first level of fucking skin out you get some bad for they rip your skin out even if you put a heavy duty protecting on your face the shaving cream it's still the knives there's no aloe in it it's like knives made by Puerto Ricans they're not contort or nothing i went home and i looked at the dollar shave club after i shaved and i saw the real value in the handle the fucking craftsmanship but i think that thing falls i drop that shit every day in my fucking shower and it doesn't

break and usually the thing falls off doesn't fucking fall off listen you get that same razor i have at home for either a dollar a month six dollars a month or nine dollars a month all packages vary your fucking budget stop wasting your time with these simple fucking blade i'm telling you i'm not even reading i'm talking to people from the fucking heart here because that's how i roll i seen the comparison this week if you go to cvs i'm not picking on cvs if you go to a pharmacy and spend a dollar for fucking razors see what you get you get a fucking butter knife with plastic on it that could break or whatever i'm giving you fucking one thing a month with four blades with two fucking strips on that's what you're gonna get but this is fucking heavy duty it's real

listen all i'm telling you is go to joeydears.net go look at my tour schedule while you're there boom go to dollar shave club and press church in the fucking box get that deal one dollar a month six dollars a month or nine dollars a month read it i could sit here and preach it to you tell you i'm telling you that this weekend i found out how good of a razor it is okay i found out how great of a fucking price it is for a dollar so that's all i'm not gonna pick on you no more i'm not gonna say another fucking word about the fuck lee you either half a goomba you get like a half a fucking fact see i told people to stop with the obama can had died last week that's it now we're on to typhoons and the tornado in kansas nobody gives a fuck about obama can no more they're

walking around with no insurance just don't fall fucking bitches like i said it's november 18th what do we got maybe five weeks to fucking christmas you might be sitting there unemployed scratching your balls thinking about what you could fucking do there's a thousand things you could fucking do go get your license go down to ups deliver packages over the fucking holidays go rob turkeys from people's backyards and i don't give a fuck there's something you gotta do i hope you learn something from today's fucking podcast i don't know what it was i'm too fucking high even what the fuck what did you say oh fucking somebody's playing with vinegar again they're fucking like you didn't like the smell of vinegar Wayne means what loses mind if you

fucking smell vinegar so that's called cracking somebody in the business where you take them out of the game psychologically you love to play games with people yeah so they take cotton balls and put vinegar on them and spray them a little bit on strategically he'd walk and he'd be talking to you about today brother everybody's gonna be looking sharp play your shoes are shine you got anybody smell vinegar i smell vinegar you motherfuckers and he look around and after he find the cotton ball then he'd get in this car and go home and he wouldn't come back and then he called like a half hour later tell those motherfuckers to pick up the vinegar the next day he come in he hated cocaine he hated people with dick cocaine he hated the whole thing so he'd get a package and

put like talking powder in it and put it close to his desk and he'd be walking brother how you doing today because he was a real motivational guy he was a biker and in the fucking off season he'd go down to florida and bike and then during the winter he'd come up and sell cars he cut his hand shave his beard it was amazing he'd cover his tattoos and he wouldn't do drugs he was just one of these fucking outlaw bikers that move guns and shit like that and he'd sell cars for six months his old lady looking bolder so he'd come up there he was a fucking man bro that guy got through to me at a young age i had no family no fucking parents and some car manager you gotta must have got through to because he would like that's the guy who used to tell me brother

it's all about the church and what's happening now today we don't give a fuck about what you did or what you're gonna do or your future it's how you're gonna make it happen today how much you're gonna make how many cars you're gonna fucking sell how many people you're gonna talk to you gotta be prepared your teeth gotta be clean you gotta have deodorant on your balls gotta be washed your shoes gotta be shined you gotta take it to the hoop today it's fucking monday bitch he was one of those type of guys so uh i guess he hit veller and he got to me too you know what i'm saying when i got busted he was very good to me never judged me i think he even sent me a couple hundred when i was in prison Wayne means dog you know what i've been blessed i've had some good fucking people

around me and i hate using that word blessed i feel like one of the housewives from belly hills that use that fucking word lee how you doing on that goomy bear look at you you're all fucked up already get it together this is why i want you eat nettles every day i'm coming over here every day you're gonna eat a half of these goomies so you get it together you gotta build your resistance the holidays are coming we're going to some heavy-duty parties you know i'm sorry you gotta be swinging with some people smoking some dope plus they're doing a movie theater thing on the 25th when they all see grudge message you see they play it during the UFC yeah all the fuckers are going crazy on twitter mad flavor was that you know it's my fucking lookalike sister yeah it's me

you dumb motherfuckers dropping knowledge on denero your boobs bitch now big pussy's gonna get people be like are you are you think are you think i'm from grudge ranch like that that's right that's a good point now he's gonna be people gonna be saying congratulations is that you in grudge that's not fucking me that's a guy that looks like me fuck you bitch now you know what i felt like for the last 10 fucking years cocksucker what's up lee what do you got planned nothing i planned nothing for this because i knew where you're going to vegas wednesday night come back thursday night friday morning with you now she has school i'm literally just going where you're gonna meet there no one you're going by yourself

like a fucking blackjack play some i love i'm aware i'm gonna lose some money but i fucking i need a day and a half of fucking try i don't know as long as all your work is done then you go where the fuck you want but if you are you driving yeah that's that's the biggest reason i want to go why you want to go i fucking if i had another like honestly if i didn't do this i would love to be a truck driver i drove back in four three times here from boston i love it i love just listening to music and especially like when there's no traffic you can just go like 80 90 miles an hour and especially like through arizona with like the red mount i fucking love driving are you fucking crazy are you fucking retarded no i'm serious you want a life of

hemorrhoids and shit like that well i i'm i can see you being a truck driver you know i do this shit car going put animals in the back a box of fucking burgers who's better than you you would sit in that chair till your heart would blow the fuck up wouldn't you no well i like the driving asshole but you know you want to drive no oh yeah it's a three hour drive so when we drive across the country drive me to my shows i would do it i'm gonna make a link in town car like a prius and go across the country with lee and uncle joey i would love to see 50 states and 50 fucking days i would absolutely i would be a driver i love driving yeah i don't want to hit on stories for united states i'm not live in seattle if we're doing that i'm putting up a partition

because you always fucking we for whatever reason like you're high energy everywhere but in the car you get the you're telling us which lanes yelling at me to know where i'm going so if i was driving i'd need a partition so i couldn't see or hear you because it's fucking i mean it's you get lost and stuff look at this fucking little jew giggling and shit you see why i can't give them nothing listen people you know how we do it here thank you very much it's a fucking monday the 18 go rock the house i hope you had a great time listening to the podcast i'd like to thank hulu plus i'd like to thank on it i'd like to thank fucking uh dollar shave club for being great products if not we

wouldn't fucking push them to you i'd like to thank chivo chou for always giving us love and the best fucking products available and most important i want to thank you guys for listening to the podcast and giving me a fucking chance to tell people to suck my dick and all that fun shit what are we closing with do we even have a closing yeah we do which one uh megalomania oh shit put that on which i just want to get to a main part here put it on from the beginning this is a tremendous black Sabbath song i don't know how many times i sat down at night confused 17 16 with a hit of acid in me and i'd sit there in the darkly with earphones on and listen to this myself inside the shadow are you fucking kidding me people can't do this today

12 hours of this tripping your balls off on acid listening to this shit are you kidding me or what yeah it's kind of intense hold on echo to the dreams of my soul now speed it up to the guitar really a little bit how far go a minute no 30 seconds watch this now this is real eyes this is one of my all-time favorite albums it's all fucking sabotage the side one is the thrill of it all fucking amazing then you switch up the side two home the sky symptom of the universe and this fucking jam everybody leave me alone by that time you're looking around the wall you're seeing spots the cars are passing by the lights are going to your

apartment you're tripping your fucking balls off you think somebody's gonna kick the door down your heart's fucking beating and also nausea is going to taste at the next fucking level crank this bitch up and you're sitting there waiting for this to come you see it's daylight in your mind you hear these pianos it's the sun coming out of shit and also nausea comes out with that fucking cowbell and it's over that's fucking Tony I owe me are you kidding me or what guys missing fingertips and plays that guitar like it's the last fucking I don't even hit it oh shit i'm 16 tripping my fucking balls off i'm blotter-ass and hold onto my head to stop the voices and shit you understand me listen to this shit it's like the trip inside a separate mind

the ghost from tomorrow for my favorite dream it's telling me to leave it all behind are you fucking kidding me or what where are you fucking balls it's fucking Monday cocksuckers they got your money and their fucking pocket get out there kill somebody i love you stay black bitches Thursday night old rock house st louis next week at american comedy company san diego leaves coming with his dad get your tickets now motherfucker that's how we do it on a monday i love you cocksuckers lee give me a kiss fat man alert get your shit together and with this shit lee hit me listen to motherfucker Me and something's giving me the chance to return

It's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul

Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Me and something's giving me the chance of saving my soul Getting back to sanity from the depths of sorrow

Was it wise to disguise? I'm trying to get away from you now In that way that I could make Or is it too late to stay with you now? Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or just go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu

Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshave club.