Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/20/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #129

Episode Date: November 21, 2013

Steve Simeone and Agostino Zoida are live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 11/20/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your tv, pc, smart phone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. And buy dollashaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church. That's dollashaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollashaveclub band. Kick this motherfucker, Lee. Oh shit. Oh shit. Wednesday afternoon lunchtime. Put the fucking tuna sandwich down, cocksucker. It's fucking gray and it's been swimming around in New Orleans.

Oh shit. Wednesday November 20th. Four people in the room. I'm smoking this joint like a fucking black dolphin with the hip. They got me in the corner with fucking, you know. Oh shit. Crack that shit, Lee. What do you got? There's a death school. Come on. When you shake your ass. Oh, stop. Simone, get in there. Help me out. Here we go. That's what you get. That's what you get. That's what you get. That's what you get for fucking the door, man. That you get. What? Wednesday the church or what's fucking happening now? Usually we blast this motherfucker at 6am. Today we took a little fucking siesta because sometimes you got to take a siesta and we want to do a 12 o'clock special edition because the last two ones were a little

deep. So today we want to lighten up. We got guest Steve Simone in house and the fucking CD man of the year, the writer of the year, the Agostino, aka Nuovo TV. You know what I'm saying? That's his fucking street handsome. He's in his own Nuvo TV pretty soon. What's going on? You bad motherfuckers. I hope you're having a great day. Like I said, I'm sorry I didn't wake you up this morning, but Uncle Joey ain't going to be there to wake you up every fucking morning. Someone is going to get up on your own, drink coffee, look out the window, have your doubts and then go to yourself. You know what, Uncle Joey ain't here today. I got to do what I got to do. I got to grab my fucking balls. I got to shave and somebody's got my fucking

geetus in their pocket. I'm going out and I'm taking it from them. I'm hitting them with a stick. I'm doing fucking something. You understand me? There's sometimes you got to do what the fuck you got to do, cock sucker. Just go, what? Clay Maro is dead and I don't feel good myself. Fuck that cock sucker. He got what he got. Anyway, spoiler alert, Joey. We didn't watch Sons of Anarchy. Well then go fuck yourself. It was on eight fucking times last night. You should have caught one of them, all right? I had to go to work. I had a million. I don't give a fuck. What's going on, Lisa? Yeah, nothing dude. It's exciting. It's fucking very exciting though. I told you, we tapped into this shit. I was doing those live podcasts and I would go crazy and I would go home

and I go, how come I don't go crazy on the ones at home? So I had to eliminate the audience and take the same energy and now this is how you do it. This is how you do a fucking podcast though. You got to fucking be ready to kill. Like right now it's like I've been on a cage for two days. Nice. Like that's what I'm going to do from now. I'm just going to leave here on Mondays and put me in a cage and just do like salami in that fucking cheese and make pieces of bananas and shit and set me back up with handcuffs on fucking Wednesday at five to six. That's my best ever. What's going on with you, Cox? I'm fucking enjoying not working my third. I didn't do shit yesterday. I didn't leave the bed. Nothing. No, no, no. You're a fucking shit. Wait. You're

going to be like that fucking dude in seven. Remember that dude that was in the bed for ten years. You didn't see seven either. I did a while. I don't remember. You don't remember. Keep sticking on that fucking bed. You're going to get bed sores and shit. Oh, no, I wouldn't do that. But fucking you yelled at me for fucking 10 minutes because I played video games for the first time in two months. You're fucking 26 years old. Yeah, everyone plays Grand Theft Auto. And they wonder why a black guy is trying to sell him insurance. You follow what I'm saying? Because they're fucking playing video games all fucking day. You're 26. Go live it. Wait, did you give it away? No, I'm not giving away that little Russian kid. Say Merry Christmas.

Right there. It's got to be a little Russian. There's a Mexican kid now. It's a Russian kid. Whatever. It's all the same shit. What else? How you feeling? Feeling perfect. That juicer hasn't moved. That thing will never see a vegetable again. I heard your girlfriend told me every time you even get close to the vegetable department at Rob, she starts sweating bullets. You'll never eat a carrot again. I heard you threw the fucking tomato off the cheeseburger Fuck this motherfucker. What's up, baby? Everything good? You're feeling? Everything's perfect. I feel awesome. The CD's almost ready by fucking mid-December. We're going to drop the second CD on you, me and Lee. It's going to be a fucking bomb. And Augustino. Augustino's been

the coordinator here putting things together. What's going on with Steve Simone? Tell me something good. Dude, I'm trying to put my CD together. I heard that you fucking destroyed it down at Gabriel Glacier's thing. Oh, that was just, yeah. Stand up revolution. I'm very proud of you. I've been with you for 10 years, right? We've been together at the store when we were soldiers. Nobody even talked to us. Nobody still talks to us. That's where we get our strength that nobody talks to us. Some people come to this town. They go to a live factory and they walk out of there with Brillstein Gray and a fucking foot massage. We get nothing. We get nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. There's some people who just have that type and we have to work for everything we've

gotten. And by now a lot of people would have quit. Some people don't understand this side of business. There's always the side you people see how they get put on comedy essential real quick. And then eight years from now, you realize they fucking go away. It was an interesting point at lunch. We were talking about people who help you in this town, the comics that help you, and the comics that look at you and turn their back on you. And they're the people that are so insecure about their comedy because they never put the work into it. The people who help other comics are comics that have put work into it because they're secure. No matter how funny you get, you're not going to take my job. We're sharing this. It's a certain part of karma.

It's a certain part that a lot of comedians don't possess that. They're in it for themselves. Yeah. Augustino and I were talking about it. He did a show with somebody who said like his comedy with that. Augustino was opening for him and he said his comedy was too similar to his comedy. So please don't do that joke. And I was like, what? Because they're bombing and they can't accept it. If the feature act is eating your lunch, then you got to adjust. If you're getting kicked in the fucking stomach over and over and over again, you got to lower that fucking hand. Correct or no? Absolutely. Am I fucking retarded? You got to lower your hand. You know, for years when we had this conversation, when I was in the last factory podcast, I had to follow

Don Marrera, which guys as a young comedian, it's fucking death. Yeah, he's a legend. It's a legend. It's not that he's a legend. The audience falls in love with him. He's so slow and methodical. And he's such a monologist with his words. There's some comics that you really have to watch and he sucks you in. And when he gets off, they wake up and here I come up there obnoxious fat guy and I would just go up there to bomb. And I remember driving on Sunset, going down there to fucking bomb. And after a while, I would call like, you know, they give you the sets for the week on Wednesday. Yeah. And they go Friday, 1045. Yeah. Saturday, main room, 1115. Yeah. And then right before I hang up, go, who do I have to follow?

Don Marrera both nights. God damn it. God damn it. Or him or AJ Jamal. And I've had this conversation with Joe Rogan on this podcast. I think I had it with Don. What do you do when somebody you have to follow is always murdering and you have to follow this person? After a while, you have to figure out how to adjust your act. And that's what comedy really is. That's why I really like the comedy store because they never had a host. Yep. And anybody knows that from Tuesday to Thursday at the comedy store, that's real comedy. Yep. It's real comedy. Because I've always gone, a few times I've gone, it's been the weekend and it's packed and everyone's laughing like, what do you mean real comedy? It's 68 people scattered. Okay. They just came from work.

In a room for like two, 300. In a room for what? In a room for like 300 people. So like, No, no, no. 170. Yeah. Original room. Okay. 180 190. So you have 68 people scattered on a Thursday on a Wednesday night. You have to go up at 1115. You've just followed 11 comics. All of them have covered every topic and the topical shit. So whatever happened on the news Argus covered. Yeah. If something else happens, somebody covered it. Now the real show starts at nine. So I'm lying to you. So that's at nine. So you have nine, nine, 29, 40, nine, nine, 29, 40, 10, 10, 20, 10, 40, 11, 1115. You followed eight comedians. That's eight different fucking point of views. Yep. Let's say the audience shifted 30%. You know, 30 people

left and 30 came in. There's still 30 in there. Yep. The 30 that came in a fresh. The people that are there is the one you got to get to. So now they've already heard everything. They've heard Don Marrera during the week. They've heard Steve Byrne. They've heard whatever. Now you've got to go up there. Now and now nobody pops into the store. But when I was there, since I was dirty, Paul Mooney would pop in. Yep. Who popped into the haha last Wednesday sent up there. Oh, Mark Curry. Mark Curry back 10 years ago. Mark Curry was a monster. He had his own show, which he's probably still a living legend. Yeah. He just nobody knows who the fuck Mark Curry is because he had a show in the 90s on TV. I had to follow dice. You know, and let me tell you something,

bro, when you sit all day and you write a joke and you can't wait to try that motherfucker 1115 and 1114 and a half dice pulls up with his car. Yep. Your hope just breaks. Yeah. You just break in half. Not to mention I was an addict. So I had a half a gram of blow in my pocket. I couldn't wait to get off stage and do now that pushes back my cocaine ETA. Excuse me. Sorry about that. People, I just had this side burp. It's a salmon burp. I had some salmon for lunch. Delicious. Gelsons with a little garlic butter up on top. Gelsons has this thing for retards. If you're a retard, okay, you go to the back and the fish department, you look underneath and they have all these little fish meals and they're already marinated or what's the word?

Like they're prepared prepared in a certain butter. So all you have to do is take the wrapper off the lid, put the oven on to 350, throw it in. I drink a protein shake and I go in the shot. I wash my pussy when I come out. The fish is prepared. The marinated fish, you could see the marinade busted. They time release it. So your fish is covered in that garlic butter. I cool it. I fucking eat it and that's it. You don't have to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You could eat fish three nights a fucking week. You could even even retards and I hate to say that word. I'm a fucking retard. I just burped. That says retarded as childish as can be. I don't burp on the fucking show all the time. It just slipped. I'm sorry. Well, getting back to the comedy story.

Well, I actually wanted to ask both of you guys. I personally, as a fan, I'm not a huge fan of the showcase shows. I understand why they're there, but if I had a choice, I'd rather go see a headliner in the future. Because I'm a big fan of somebody. Because what you guys mostly do out here is showcase shows. Do you have a preference? What do you think about it? It's another avenue to attack it from. When you play baseball in the major leagues, they have their rules. And when you go to Japan and play major leagues, they have their rules. If you want to be good in both leagues, you got to adjust to both fucking leagues. So I like it. I like it. I like it. I like going in there and knocking out 20 minutes of thought. Because 20 minutes times

three is a fucking special. So if you're working on a special, you can really tighten up your 20 minutes set. The showcase rooms are also great, too, where you get to do 45 and you get to see more of the comedian. I understand your other point of view. You paid 20 bucks. You want to see his point of view. And then it's kind of like buying a CD. Like when you actually had the actual bifysical CDs, there were two songs you liked, the other 10 you couldn't care less about. When I go to the best game scenario for me, when I go to a comedy room now, and it's great because I can go onto their Twitter and see who's going to be there. But three, I like, I find a new person I get interested in. And that's the best. That's when I find somebody I didn't know about. But then

when you have to sit through the same Facebook as making us lazy, and we don't have to look anything up on Google anymore, that same joke 14 times, you're like, Jesus Christ, why am I here? But it's just, I wanted to get your point of view on it. Because it's obviously where you start, you can't start out doing an hour. So you, everyone has to do it. Six fucking minutes, three minutes, three minutes in Denver at the open mic. Then when I moved back to Colorado in 94, I had some, not bones, but I had a little time, maybe 18 minutes. And on Friday nights, I would go to McKelvie's on the, I forget what side of Colorado was on. It was in this suburb of Denver. And they're very uppity. And I just bombed. I strummed with the jokes. I

used to say that. I used to say this joke about the Hells Angels. Something happened with the Hells Angels. It's time to put the bowl speakers back in the windows. I mean, these jokes are horrible. They were just God awful. But I would go down there on Fridays and Saturdays and bombed. But the club owner would let me come back every Friday and Saturday and do six minutes. That's great. The guy died of a heart attack, but I still think of the guy all the time. His name is Tim. Like as bad as I was, he likes something about me. And I would hear him back there giggling at my stupid shit, you know, and go, what the fuck kind of club manager is this? But you know what,

I'm not going to question it. Well, at some point, you have to let the bad people, for a comedy club owner, you can't have only good people on because no one, it's kind of, it's against my last argument is because you can't only have the headliners on because then no one will move up. Right. So it's, it's kind of like what you did with me. You could have had a, when we started three years ago, you could have had a person who was not dressed out of college and had more contacts out here. But luckily for me, you saw something in me and then you didn't have to pay me. You know, I saw you when you were a Jew. As soon as you showed up and you were a Jew, you were

hired. That's all. That was the prerequisite. And I can tell you weren't no Okie doke Jew. You didn't show up with slippers on and pictures of Israel that you went for summer vacation. You know what I'm saying? Flashing your fucking colors with the fucking yarmulke. You know, you were flashing. What they call them on that son's anarchy? What they call the jacket, the cut. You weren't flashing your motherfucking cut on your head. You know what I'm saying? Last week I flew. Last week I flew. And there's a little Jew comes on with slippers and a yarmulke. I'm looking at this motherfucker, he's slinging dick, right? But right away, he has to embarrass Jews like a Puerto Rican. Like right there, if I was the ministry of Jews, I could shoot this motherfucker.

Take a picture and I'd be fucking. You know what he did? They put him in the back on Virgin America. He didn't do his homework. He was a fucking dumb Jew. And then to embarrass the fucking Jews, he went up there and he goes like a fucking Arab, like real Swarmy. He went up there like, how much for first class? Like he still had an accent from Israel? Like how much for first class? Like I'll have it in my pocket and let him go $3.99. He didn't say thank you. He just, oh, you smelt his armpit. He just did a fucking 360. It was like a revolving door and armpit. And he marched back there. A real Jew said $3.99. Give me two feet. That's a real fucking Jew. $3.99 to bump up the first class. You made a mistake by saying he didn't even get main

cabinet select. He got main cabinet, which is fucking, you might as well fly next to a prisoner. Yeah. That's it. You might as well fly next to somebody in handcuffs. A real Jew would have gotten main cabinet selected and then Jewed his way up to first class. Like I do. That's what I do. I go main cabinet select and I Jew my way up to first class. If you're going to be a fucking Jew, you got to act like a Jew. Jew is being a state of mind. This guy was a real Jew and he acted like some white guy named Boris. He acted like some white guy named, like, hi, my name is Morris. And I like to know how much first class is. And the guy goes, three on it. And he just turned around. I was never so fucking virus. Here I am in first class for 500 bucks. Didn't pay the

$2,399 bump because I upgraded it with a t-shirt with a hole in it. You know what I'm saying? Not flashing or nothing. So everybody in first class would look at me and go, the fat guy. And then I started blasting fucking farts. They served Thomas. So I came back with fucking heavy duty fucking yogurt farts from the airport because if you eat yogurt on Sunday, it's not the fresh yogurt. That shit's been stewing since Friday in the shelves. I come in there 6.30, catch a fucking an hour before mixed with some berries and shit. It's healthy. Talk to me, brother. What's going on? You're happy. I'm happy about all your success. Dude, this is great. I just love hanging out with you guys. This is called Lee's one a month afternoon party. There

ain't no topics. The Agostinos here taking notes. There ain't no topics. We just talk. We have a good time for some people want a serious podcast or all calm. I don't want to tell you. We're trying to give you a selection here. So, you know, you're going to be listening to this over your Thanksgiving fucking weekend. You're going to be sitting there with your boring ass family. Somebody's got cancer. Somebody's got a bad foot and you got to listen to this fucking ear beating on Thanksgiving. And you're going to put the earphones on and pop fucking us on. And this is what you're going to get. So I hope you're eating white turkey and you're getting stoned in the garage. I loved it because you guys are friends, but in reality, you guys are

not exact opposite, but kind of opposite comedians. Like a lot of well, I mean, maybe I have to say nobody's influenced me more than Uncle Joey. Just naturally funny. It's all real comedy. It all comes from real life experience and it's just funny. Like there are guys that could sit down with a pad and they have to try to figure out how to make something funny. There are comedians with that approach and then there are just some people that have it. So I would watch this guy. I was used to manage the comedy store and I'd sit in the back and whenever Uncle Joey went on, I want this guy's the truth. This is real comedy. So even though you're, do you lean towards clean or just the jokes I've seen cleaner? Cause like with Joey, he's brilliant. He could work either

direction. I'm the fucking moron here that can't say, I can't stop saying fuck. Simone does something on stage that we're both in a way we take you somewhere. Okay. Well, absolutely. Yeah. I love his bit about pillow fighting in the restaurant. One minute you're at a fucking comedy club in Ontario, California, next minute you're pillow fighting in Philadelphia with your young brother hiding in a room. That's something everybody did. I don't even have a brother. Yeah. That's, that's what's amazing. You either pillow fit with yourself. You know what I'm saying? When people come up to me, they're like, I'm an only child, but I had cousins or it's sleep over the neighbor's house or everybody and it doesn't matter if they're 18 or 80. Everybody's done the

same shit. There's two comedians who when you leave their show, I've learned a lot. I've watched Gabriel. I've watched Joe. I've watched Richard Jenny and Bobby Slate. But there's two comedians that when you leave their show, I look at the people and they're just ecstatic. Steve Simone. Even when he opened for me a couple of weeks ago, we were all on the same bill, which he's going to be in San Diego with us. We got a little family and you get the host again. You know what I'm saying? You're working your stripes. I love you to death. You're the man. In a month, you'll be featuring and in six months, you'll be fucking headlining until it costs you $9.95 for the easy kill right now, sending $400. And in nine months, I'll have your headlining

every improv across the nation. You too could be a headliner. You too could be on TV. You too could do commercials. I have a three-point guarantee system on how to be a professional comedian. Call us now at 1-800. We're taking your fucking cash. 1-800. We're taking your cash. And Joey's in for 10 points. I'm in for the whole fucking package. And I'm saying we ain't don't get nothing. Can you imagine trying to teach this shit? I have had thoughts of teaching this shit. And there's, I know that I can't teach it, but there's something I could teach. And that's the discipline that you have to have in the beginning. Like I want to, like, scared straight. Yeah. You ever see that scaring straight on A&E? Yeah. You want to be a comedian? I want you to

sit with me for one hour because I'm going to read you one side of it. And if you don't have three of these traits, it's not going to work for you. If you're not going to stop going to weddings and dicking around, don't do it. If you're not going to go prepared for a life of a little bit of struggle, don't do it. And if you're not going to be real to yourself, don't bother. If you're going to be one of those comics, that's going to fucking have his friends. You know those shows I'm talking about, where you go when your buddy's coming and see you. And they tell you how funny you are in these comics. And three years from now, the guys aren't even doing comedy no more because they refuse to go to the hard time. I'm very fucking sorry about this. Who the fuck

this is called? Who the fuck is this? HGP of 546 in the morning. Crack a dawn and now I'm yawning. Anyway, Scott Cocksuck has got no manners. So what do you think the three traits are for a young comic? Sacrifice. Yeah. Sacrifice and sacrifice. Yeah. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. And even if you don't sacrifice, I want you to be prepared for it. I got one job right now. The same job my mother had, and she did a great fucking job. My mother did a lot of mistakes with me, but she did one thing for me. When she died and she left me there at 15, she prepared me. She gave me a little bit of preparedness. This is what it's going to be. And I didn't listen, but she taught me how to wash my own clothes. She taught me how to cook. She taught me how to clean. She taught me how to

wash my bathroom. She taught me pretty much how to cover yourself as a fucking man. Cover your faces. You fill it in with stand-ups. I can't teach you how to write because it's your discipline of sitting and writing. You can go to Samuel O. French and write every fucking book, every biography on this guy, that guy, this guy. Guess what? If you don't sit down and write every fucking day, it's not going to work out for you. It's going to take you four years just to figure out how to fucking write. Yeah. Four years just to figure out how to fucking write. That's a complete different trade here. Yeah, you come up with jokes and I did it for years, but you're 50-50 comic. You're 50-50 comic. You want to improvise and go up there and what do you think we're living?

You're a 50-50 comic. You're going to go up there 50% of the time and destroy, and 50% of the time, you're going to die a fucking slow death. So you better do the same shit that don't like an MMA. You better work off your back, which means you got to fucking write. Di Agostino fucking writes. You fucking write. I didn't write for 10 years. If not, I wouldn't be here right now. If I would have written the first 10 years, I wouldn't be here talking to you fucking Gagucci. I'd be the president of ABC, slinging dick. You understand me? Versace, Versace, Versace. Versace, Versace, Versace, yeah. Throwing bills in the air, killing people, stabbing waiters. Stabbing away them, then signing a settlement check right there. You're worth about eight million

dollars. With his blood? Yeah. Fuck it. Throw it in his neck. Yeah, with his blood. I like that, that's why I like him. He's a real Jew. A blood. White kids don't think of that shit. Sign his name as blood. Oh, that's a, then you become a zombie. Fuck you. Fuck. What's this thing with zombies all of a sudden? And we grew up on the real zombie movies. The fucking one, we used to take acid and go see Donald dad. How could you handle that? That one episode where, in the beginning, right off the fucking bat, the guy is walking, the black guy, Mama, Mama and the helicopter chops his fucking head off and the top of his head flies off. We were on acid and we handled it like fucking men. You understand? These fucking kids today would run out of there. They do zombie walks down the

shore. Yeah. They all get together with knives in their neck and walk around like half of fags. Is this what it's fucking coming to? What's happened? What the fuck? What else is going on, Steve? Something. I'm sorry. This is just a crazy part of that. This is great. Me? I ate a Chibo chew 175 and I ate a gummy bear 70. I'm, I'm throwing heat. What are all these people want to call me for? I gotta wish this guy a happy birthday. This is my brother. Yo, I'm on the podcast, but happy birthday, cocksuck. I love you. All right. What are you doing tonight? So how was touring with Gabriel? The greatest thing ever. So what, where did he go? We did a run through the Midwest playing arenas. That guy is such a beast. He's so good at what he does that he's selling out

five, 10,000 seats. Is he really? Yeah. He's amazing. I didn't, I didn't watch his last special because they cut in two. So I missed the second half. The only time they did two hours on a comedy central, two hours special, but like they did it like a week later or something. No. Well, I remember Memorial Day weekend. They showed the whole thing. Okay. Cause I, they, when they first entered it, they cut it in two and like a, it was like a to be continued TV show. So I watched the first half of the second half I didn't see. I have it on DVD. I'll let you borrow it. What is he? No, I talked to Joel because I love comedy. Like it's just, it's my copy. What I, what I notice sometimes is like the first special for a comedian will be great. Second one, good, maybe great. Let me tell

you something. He's working on a bit right now that I think is the greatest piece of stand-up comedy I've ever seen. I don't want to ruin it, but it's just one of those pieces of comedy that's just so real and honest where five, 10,000 people I saw laughing and crying at the same time. Jesus. I mean, it was, it was like, you know how Richard Pryor could put you in that spot where it's just, just such an expression of what it means to be human that there is that mixture of pathos and drama and realness with hilarity. And I was just, this dude's on another level. Like it was what Joey was saying before about other comedians. Gabriel can, can help other people because he's a bad motherfucker. He's not a paper champion. That dude paid his dues. He's

killed every room imaginable. And he's selling out 10,000 seats because he deserves to sell out 10,000 seats. It's not a fluke. It's not some kid that had seven minutes in a look and he's going, oh, fuck, how did I get here? He paid his dues along the way. And in my opinion right now, he's, he's the best in the world. I was a Gabriel, now he lost his virginity. In Tucson, Arizona, we used to do a club called Bugsies for $150 on the plane ticket. And they'd feed you when they pick you up at the airport. And I get some good blow and they put you in this crack hotel that is now redone. It's like an avant-garde place. But I remember being in there in the female comic called me going, somebody's trying to break into my room. I mean, it was that type of hotel.

And we went down there one time to Bugsies. He was a kid, guys. He was a kid. I was already a man. I was 30 something. Gabriel was 18, 19. Oh, really? He started that young? Yeah. Then he booked the company. Then he booked the other casino off the 710, the Bicycle Club. Nobody remembers that. It was $48 on a Thursday night and they smelled you a check. Like $46. Gabriel fucking, then from there, his big thing was like the Latino live festivals. Then he started doing K-Locos. It was George Lopez was blowing up on one direction and Gabriel was knocking him dead in the other. And all of a sudden, I seen this lovable guy, everybody loved. And all of a sudden, the tensions from within the Latino community started charging at him. And it was something that I had never seen. That's the first

time I ever saw people go against each other. And it's only in comedy. Oh, they didn't like him? They, a lot of people went to war with Gabriel. A lot of people go to war with, anytime you're on the move up, people will find a chink in your armor, attack it. And because somewhere along the line, they feel that you owe him something. It's very weird. What do they do? They call him fat like he doesn't know anything? No, no, no. They don't call him fat. They just go, you know, how come you don't help us? A lot of people come out of the woodwork, but he didn't give a fuck. He kept going and going and going. And this guy deserves all the success in the world. You see a guy like Kevin Hart. I had Kevin Hart on a TV show and it bombed.

And he went to three yards in the improv and he goes, I want to work every week. I want $1,500 a week. I want you to give away tickets. Give me one year. And he did that for a year. He lost money to go into these towns and he made himself a believer. That's why you have to admire Kevin Hart. Absolutely. I didn't open mic with him back in Philly. I remember the laugh house. I was just, I didn't know anything about comedy. I remember seeing Big J back in the day. He doesn't remember me, but I remember him. I only did like two or three open mics here, but I remember this is the, Kevin Hart doesn't know me from Adam, but I remember going at just watching in the back and him introducing himself and just being a class act, just a cool

dude. And then he saw me do comedy once and he hugged me afterwards. He was like, bro, I'm going to bring into North Philly. I'm going to get a legend up there. They'll love you up there. You're a crazy white boy. They'll love you. You're silly. You're this and that. And that was late 90s. And here's the beauty of this thing. We talk about this on a podcast and a lot of people sitting there right now at home going, you know what? I'm not going to listen to this shit. They're talking about stand-up. Every time I listen to these guys, they're talking about stand-up or something like that. Let me tell you something. What we're trying to tell you is you could substitute whatever the fuck you love. That's true. You could substitute. I have learned so much. Listen,

guys, I've been going to that jujitsu since May. I'm 50. I can't go four times a week and I can't go three times a week. It really bangs you up. I go twice a week. I go one time to class and I take a private lesson when I roll around a little bit and he teaches me this or Ezekio, Choco, whatever the fuck they teach you. I go to Kelo. I try to do the best I can. I suck at jujitsu. If this was 20 years ago, I would have quit three weeks ago. Because of comedy, I stick with everything now. I stick with everything because I've learned something that no matter how fucking bad you are or how bad you are financially, if you believe in your art, I mean truly fucking believe. Not because you want pussy. Not because you want to be famous.

None of that shit. I'm talking about if you really believe that you could add something. You know what? I like Dave Gilmore and I like fucking the guy from the guitar player from Tool. But I think I could add something different. And if you truly believe that, if you believe with your paintbrush, whatever the fuck is plumbing or sucking cock, if you truly believe, there's a chick out there that's like, I suck the best dick in my neighborhood. I've blown 18 guys and they've all come and they've told me, they've come back to me, they tell me I'm beautiful and you ask her what's her secret? Well, I grab the nuts and I squeeze them and I twist them and at the same time, they all think they have something that nobody else has. And that's the same thing that makes you special

and gives you fucking hope. Why are we still here, Simone? We were talking about me and Simone in Vegas, mooching off a fucking RJ. Every dollar bill he threw on the floor. We've had this conversation on the podcast before, you know, where he gave a guy $3,000 to put his name on the fucking marquee, you know, and here we were 10 years ago. I remember coming home with the 400. It was like 10,000 to me and Terry. We were gonna buy groceries. I could paint my coke dealer tab. You know, there was just so many fucking things that, and you see the evolution, even then, why didn't we go home? You were living with that James God bless his soul. His toes smelled, you know, I mean, all these fucking things. I mean, you were getting spots at the store.

No, I was walking. I had no car. I walked to the store. I wasn't past. I wasn't getting spots. I'd walked the two, three miles down there every night to just be a part of it, to just hang. And the nights that I was supposed to be there, I was getting $25 a shift to work the door, to work the fucking door. I was a dormant. $25 a shift? $25 a shift. I would get $25 on a Sunday. I would get $25 to work the door and $25 to host on a Sunday. I don't think that's less than an minimum wage. It was. It was. How do they do that? So I would go at seven, work the door till 10, and then jump on, host the open mic. I went to Mitch. I go, Mitch, I need all the cash. I could fucking get on and start robbing this fucking place. I took a bottle of whiskey out of it.

These people are fucking dumb. I told you one time I took a yardstick right off the top of the desk with someone and they blamed it on Rick. Oh my God. And I felt bad, but I'd already bought a gram of bloke from Chewy. I can't put the thing back. You know when people count money, the registers are right there. Like he had the registers and he had the banks and he had $100 in singles, like three or four of them. And I walk and tap them on the shoulder. Like how you doing? He's like, what's going on? Nothing. I'm right there. You know when you actually go like that and put something in your pocket and somebody goes, put it back asshole. Yeah. I went like this and I waited five minutes. He didn't say nothing. So I didn't put it back. I just left and then Rick

had walked in after me. As I'm walking out, I see Rick are walking like, Hey, how you doing? And 10 minutes later, the words already out, my girlfriend comes up and she's like, Hey, be careful. Rick had just stole $100. And I'm like, I stole 100. But they blamed on Rick. And I went and bought, I had already seen Chewy. I already got three. He used to give me like four twenties for 60. Then I'd save 20 for booze and 20 for pink dot, for a bottle later on. Come on. Pink dot roast beef sandwiches. Oh, the meatball, the turkey with Swiss cheese with tomato. They have for some reason, they had something nobody else had to roll. Yep. They figured it out. Pink dot. And we go over there and I remember,

I don't really pay Chewy for the blow. I couldn't fucking put the hundred back. I was walking around with 40 singles. I was trying to figure out how to wash my money. I had to walk over to the high and cancel a ballet guy. I had to wash my money. If they were one of my pocket, I would have had 40 singles. I would have been guilty. Somebody stole 100 fucking singles. Jesus Christ. So I had to go wash my singles over. I had to go see what's his name, McCrusty at the House of Blues. Let me get a 20. Is this the warlock? Yeah, warlock. I'll give you 40 singles for $38. What's up, Doug? What do you guys think about not quitting sounds like a bad word, but like changing your direction?

Because like for me, when I went to college, I thought I'd be a TV, TV or movie editor. And I still could, but being there, I realized it's not what I love and this is. So like, let's say a comedy or like you were saying anything you're doing, let's say you go and you spend four years at college and God forbid it's not what you should be doing. And you feel like the pressure from your parents to like stick it out. Like as a comic, I know Joey thought about quitting, but it wasn't because you weren't good enough. Like have you guys gone through it or seen comics who just like, they realized they're not good enough or like, it must be a weird thing to put all that time into it and just realize I'm never going to be over. I'm never going to be this good

or I don't even know where I'm going with it, but it must be kind of a weird thing to realize that. In 2002, I was very close to quitting just like I was frustrated. I didn't have a manager. Yeah, I had an agent that had nobody helping me. Montreal didn't want me. Nobody wanted me. We do showcases. I remember Jeff Gellin. Jeff Gellin was my first real man. I had Ken Phillips, who was a great guy, but he didn't have the balls. Like I would tell Ken, Ken called the Ha Ha and booked me in there for a weekend. Man, I've been calling, yeah, just, you know, for a month, he won't answer the phone. Then one morning I would wake up at six in the fucking morning. I didn't get no coke tonight before. I'm fucking broke. I got $3 for breakfast.

And I fucking breakfast. I go, you know what? I'm calling the Agostino Direct. And at fucking 9.01, I picked up the fucking phone. I called the Agostino with the Agostino. Joe Diaz, I'm looking for a weekend as a feature. And you're looking for $300. And all of a sudden this guy's like, I'll give you $500 for the weekend. Thank you, brother. And all of a sudden I'd call Ken at fucking $10.01. He'd still be sleeping because his office was in his apartment. What's up, buddy? You called the Agostino. I called eight times. I didn't get a hold of him. I opened my book. I just booked September 28th to the 30th with the Agostino. How'd you get him on the call? I called him at 9.01 in the fucking morning.

That's how I learned how to fucking do stuff. I got rid of Ken, then Jeff Getling came in. I still had my balls. I was still every fucking Thursday. Every Wednesday at five o'clock, I'd go to 7.11 and buy backstage. I'd drop it off at home and I'd have envelopes and stamps. And on Wednesday nights, I went to the store. And after the store, I'd get a little coke so I could go home and lick envelopes and fry my own breakdowns. And I would submit myself for college films. That's how I learned how to fucking act. I'm in this fucking stupid De Niro movie, not because I'm lucky and you fucking guys. Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe I stuck it up. But because of those days, when I would shoot these movies, these college movies that would shoot at 3 a.m

calls, who fucking goes to work at 3 a.m on a fucking movie because the place is closed? And that's what I would fucking do, man. And this is, I thought about quitting because at that time, everybody's shooting TV movies. I'm shooting fucking free movies. Every movie I did was a freebie. Then the Sopranos got fucking hot. The Sopranos won fire. And I went to New York and auditioned. I got a callback and I went to producers and I didn't get it. But that gave me a little bit of confidence. Gave me a little bit of confidence that, you know what, maybe I'll stay in here for six months. And all of a sudden, I caught a lucky break. One night at the store, I went up on the store with eight people in the audience and I fucking killed them.

And the back room, two black guys was there. And I don't remember what the kid's name was. I just used to see him a lot at the store. Improv. It was at the Improv. I used to see this black kid on Freaky Mondays. And I knew he was on some black TV show or some TV show. And one day I got a call. I wake up one morning, there's a thousand fucking messages on my phone call. The mad TV is looking for you. They're looking for a big pussy look alike. And I get down and there's a bunch of fucking guys. I don't know if they look like big pussy and they're reading and they're coming out. I got it, dawg. I got him. And I'm like fucking cracked. I'm half a fag. I don't have any confidence. You know, I didn't get the Sopranos. I didn't get this. I didn't

get that. I didn't go to Montreal. And I fucking went in there and just started ripping, ripping. Where's the Gabagool and all this shit. And they were howling. They go, can you wait five minutes? And with that, I hear a knock on the door. And the door opens up. And guess who it is at the door? One of those black comics from Freaky Monday. It was a host and his name was Harry Spears. Wow. Cool. And he walks over to me and he goes, what's up, nigga? And he gives me a hug and he goes Jersey love. Wow. I'm with Jersey. He's Arling's in the house with Patterson. What the fuck he's from, right? That's correct. This is fucking happening to me. I'm getting tears in the back of my eyes, but I cannot cry because I'll lose this role. Yeah. And also he goes, I'll put a word

in for you, motherfucker. And she, the two white chicks come in and he gets them out of the room. And also they come back and they go, can you sit here for an hour? And I go, yeah, and I sat there. And next thing you know, I got fucking mad TV. And that's the first time I got respect. That's why I tell all young comics, what have I been bugging you about the Agostino? Because you have to get on the board because once a club manager sees you even sweeping on cold case that flips their decision on you, you have a chance that verifies them. Now I'm not saying they're going to headline you, but they're going to start calling you. Come on down. Then one night they're going to go, we're broke. I'm up on my TV one night. I'm about to fuck my, you know how club managers always try to be

funny? Yeah. I'm about to fuck my wife and who comes on on cold case, the Agostino. Yeah. And guys, guys, how much is that difference as it may? Everything. When you're sitting in, you see, remember when we moved here? Fucking Harish of here. Yep. Oh my God. The kid. As a matter of fact, you want to hear a tremendous story girl from the county store got cancer in her tongue. Stephanie Escajada. I didn't know that. 10 years ago. She's married now. She has a kid. She lived. She's beautiful. Awesome. I bump into her. She's got four national commercials running counting my column. She's got the, she's the chick that pays for the tab, the law state commercial with the black guy. She's in four fucking national commercials. You know how long she's been auditioning

for commercials? 12 to 13 years. I used to be out there banging them out there with it. She takes her kid to these fucking auditions and now she's got four national commercials running. That's 80,000 fucking dollars just to show up down there. This is what I'm saying. Whatever the fuck you're doing it. I'm getting pissed off. Spark a fucking number. Metallica. What the fuck? Let's go. Eat that other edible. I'll stab you with this Monday. I'll rip this fucking thing off. Here's a phenomenal podcast today. Pick up your final. It's Thursday, Joey. We're getting at 12 o'clock. It don't matter. We're here sparking it. Kick it, Lee. Kick that. Oh, yeah, I can see her dancing in front of the camera.

Get out of the house, Doc. Something. Go mail him and below. Send a thank you note. Do something. What? Huh? Where's this number? Take a walk. Sing, Uncle Joey. Sing this motherfucker. Sing, drop it from you. You sing. Say goodbye. Hand fucker. Right here in front of my. Hey. Are you fucking kidding me or what? It's your insides. Get up, you fuck. Spark that, motherfucker. Bang. It's for Jerry's kids. I'm your sweet. What? Stop it.

It's Wednesday. Get it together, cocksuckers. Sad but true. I'm your dream. My industry. On your eyes while you're away. I'm your pain while you remain. You know it's sad but true. Are you fucked? Get it together. Get the guns. Get it. Fuck. Stop. Quiet. Get a job, you fuck. Pick up your socks. Let's go, baby. Smuck this fucking thing. Where's the flying Jew? That's my main man. I want to give a shout out to Onnet throwing it down with the Hem Force protein powder. I've been mixing that up lately with a fucking banana. I feel good. I've been cutting it down. I'm trying to lose some weight. I got to live for my daughter so I got to really cut it down.

I'm doing it for you guys to show you. I get a lot of emails from people losing weight. Let's do this motherfucker together. Go to Onnet.com. See what they got from kettlebells to training ropes. It's all up to you but the most important thing is the shroom tech is phenomenal for your endurance. The alpha brain, if you want to get a little bit of focus, just try it for a while. I don't stay on it year round. You're immune system. You build up a resistance. You go from thing to thing. Sometimes it's alpha brain. Sometimes a couple fucking numbers. Takes you to the same fucking place, doesn't it? You eat the ass of the pussy. You still talk about it. You still get taken to the same fucking place. Go to Onnet.com. Press and what in the box when you order?

Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. They got stevia. They got fucking the shit to go to sleep or what. They got the shit they give Kennedy just to wiggle his head. 80 years later they're still trying to figure out who shot Kennedy. Get your fucking shit together people. I love you motherfuckers but you know at the end of the week who gives a fuck? You think when you go to shop right or rouse and they're like where's the gross room? I'm trying to figure out who shot Kennedy. Fuck your mother up the ass. Kennedy. I thought it was 80 years ago. Uncle Junior. Forget what Kennedy. Go figure out who shot Lincoln. And go find George Washington. His fucking apple tree. Go to Onnet.com. That's what I'm

trying to say to you. They got a bunch of good stuff for you. Just try the protein powder. Go with the hemp horse protein bars. I don't know what it's 10 grams of protein. You got fiber. You'll shit your fucking blood out. I love it. I love shit in a big fucking dump. You ever take a shit and look at your white glass because I got to wipe and then look at it. Just to see who I killed. Right. It's Wednesday you fucks. Go to Onnet. Another thing. I didn't shave today because I got to go Malibu. I'm going to St. Louis tonight. So I got to look like a fucking soldier. But Dollar Shave Club. I'm really impressed with you people. And if I'm fucking impressed listen. A lot of shit don't fucking impress me. And this shit's impressive. You

don't want because you saved dough and it's a good fucking product. When everybody goes on. I was the king of finding the Chinese menu. I haven't done a lot of good things in my life. But I've helped a lot of people save money at lunch. You know why? Because I always knew who gave you the best bang for the dollar at lunch time. I always knew the Chinese restaurant. I always knew the people gave you a little bit extra rice. They gave you a real egg roll. When you go to a fucking lunch and they give you the fucking Puerto Rican lunch. They give you the fucking greasy, skinny egg roll. That's garbage. And it's got oil. They throw a trick at you. They don't throw the real egg roll because they want 250 for that

shit. I used to figure out who gave me the real egg roll. Who gave me the nice pork fried rice? Fuck that. Who wants vegetable pork roll? What am I? Vegetarian Chinese guy? You know what's big for me? The actual real Chinese spicy mustard. No one had like very few places have it out here. The orange shit that blows the hairs out of your nose when you breathe. Yeah, the real deal. I fucking love. Right here in Sherman Oaks. They got that green apple. Anybody? Oh, that's not bad. Anybody go to the green apple? Where's the egg roll? What the fuck? Now what? I gave you the pork fried rice. Guys, not bad. Not bad. And you know what? I've controlled myself every fucking time and I've been in there with my wife by myself. I gave the Agostino half the fucking

order of pork fried rice. It's not bad. It's not chance dragging fucking in. What I'm trying to say is I give you the best value for your buck and I stand behind it. I got to a hotel last week. Steve knows when you travel, sometimes you forget shit. You're not to the front counter. You can stay at the Four Seasons. They're still going to give you a fucking one of those Puerto Rican bicks. Not that they're giving you the fucking razors. How bad are those for you? And you slice your face or whatever. That's a dollar razor on the street. Fucking Dollar Shave Club has a dollar razor for the month. You get a fucking handle that you can nail a fucking nail into a wall with and you get two blades. You get two things, two cartridges with two fucking blades, four cartridges

with two fucking blades. That's a dollar for six dollars hit on me. What do you get? Three blade razors. And you get the fucking handle that you can use as a weapon or poker. I was looking at some motherfucking attached ladies. You're shaving your fucking pussy, right? Somebody comes in your fucking window, right? That blade that the big fucking guy is using is sponsoring from Green Bay Package. You know, he's got that blade. Go see how much that blade is. That blade is twenty six dollars with like one fucking cartridge. And if somebody comes in your window and you stab him, it'll break that little thing. It breaks off. No, no, no, no. With this, you pop that motherfucking, you stand the motherfucking right now while you're shaving your little pussy. You

pop the head off first. You pop the head off first. That handle is usually weak, not with this thing. It's metal. You could poke their fucking eye like a Steven Segal movie. Stick your finger right in their fucking eyeball and call the 911 while they're taking it out. You know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to help you all the uses. Come on, don't sit there. Dude, I'm going, I'm trying to figure it out. It's only six bucks. And then if you want the executive plan, it's $9 a month, which at the end of the year, how much for the year? $108 a year. You've got a fixed income on fucking shaving. So when your wife says to you, you're spending too much on razors, relax, bitch. I'm spending the buck. Oh wait, I'm fucking razors. And in fact, I'm cutting

back to the $6 package, which is $72 a year. That's fucking six months of fucking razors. If you go to CVS or not, yes, it does go to dollars, shape. Joey Diaz dot net go to dollars, shape go to the box and press in church, church, C H U R C A. So that's what I'm trying to say to you people. Oh my God. I remember I first met you, you used to have little pieces of paper stuck to your little blood all the time. Because I fuck I didn't know what razor to go with. You don't see that shit now. The fuck get it together. I'm not here. I don't really think I'm getting rich on dollar shape. And it's that white dude with the haircut with a little Mexican guy. He's getting fucking filthy rich. Got a warehouse, a car, his own pool, his own golf course.

What's up, dog talking. Tell me something. I'm over here smoking like a fucking soldier. I'm smoking like Russell Crowe and gladiator. That's a great movie. I love that movie. How good is that? I took months for people to sell me that movie. Joe Rogan used to tell me all the time. What? Get the fuck out of my face. And when I that scene, you know, nobody's done that since fucking Bruce Lee. That's Bruce Lee type of shit. Tell me something good, doctor. Everything good in your world. So you're gonna be anywhere soon, Steve? I'm gonna be with Joey and Augustine next week in San Diego. I can't wait to do that. I'm gonna come down Saturday night, please. That'll be fun. Dude, my buddy owns the best taco shop down there. Oh, no,

I've gone to Don Carlos a bunch. Oh, it's the best. Yeah, those California burritos. Oh, yeah, that's what I get every time. Arne Asada with the crispy, crispy as French fries. I'm so glad. We're gonna kill it. If anyone's going and they go to Don Carlos, he's nice. He's always nice. He's the guy behind the camera. But he's he's even nicer. Just say I'm going to a comedy show. He his eyes light up. He brings up Ari brings up Steve. He goes to the La Jolla comedy store like every night. Every night. It's fucking and the food's fucking amazing. Amazing. That's only good white guy with Mexican food. The guy who owns Don Carlos in San Diego. Right down the street from the store. No, no, but that place around the corner from

PB Barn Grill. That was my old school place. A little hut till two or three in the morning. Oh, the Ramiro spot with the fuck. The bean and cheese burrito there when you're coked up the next morning, you wake up, the chicks still passed on the bed. She's got rings around her nose and blood on her t-shirt and shit. And you look at that box and there's still a half burrito stiff. It looks like it's been dead and you bite into that motherfucker. The burrito is dead, but the salsa still alive. The blood is still fucking alive. But Romero's is tremendous. Every time I would go to San Diego, I basically go for fucking Romero's. It was all when the condo was around the corner there and I wasn't trying to fuck shame. Because whenever you went down there with shame, you always

tried to fuck. Even how many times you say I ain't gonna fuck shame. Like two o'clock, I gotta eat shame as a asshole. She's looking too good and shit. I miss shame. I'm gonna have a call until the podcast. I miss shame. She'll probably call up a bitch about Capri Rulo and shit. What's up, Steve Simone? What the fuck? Tell me, so look at this fucking guy. Where are you at? The punchy club. Put your feet off the couch. Can I get you something? A cup of coffee or something? Do what you want. I'm just teasing you. You brought donuts. You can do whatever you want. That's right. Good fucking donuts, too. Dude, I was gonna bring Domingos for you guys, but you told me not to. Who needs it? What's Domingos? Look at me. What's Domingos? Oh, is it that Italian

sandwich place? Yeah, I want somebody to find the podcast. When he told the whole story about juicing, I was gonna change his life. I want somebody to cut that piece and play it every time. Like every time you say. Well, what am I supposed to do with you? We go to fucking 10 o'clock sushi and then on the weekends, my fucking girlfriend makes fucking like a place. The best was he started juicing. I called him on a Tuesday to tell him we're going to San Francisco on Friday and he quit that minute. I go, why'd you quit? He goes, well, we're going to San Francisco on Friday. Well, that Friday, fuck, do it now. You could have juiced two more days. I couldn't take it no more. That's when he finally told me it was all over. That juicing shit, I wouldn't even

get involved in that. I won't get involved. I had a kid one time, a great kid, Bobby, something gave me over at Fortune's Gym, gave me this whole juicing thing. I don't like vegetables juiced. I don't like it. I don't like V8. I just don't like it. You want to make me a watermelon juice, mix it with that lady? There's a lady on Hollywood between Vine and that street. I've told, I've talked people about this before. She used to be around the corner on Vine in the fucking late 90s and early 2000s. Then they started building hotels on Vine. So they kicked her out. Now she's on between Vine and the street there on Hollywood across from the movie theater. And what used to be chicken delight. You go in there for 8.50, she makes you a smoothie and a homemade sandwich.

What I mean by homemade sandwich? It's a homemade chicken salad on wheat bread. Everything is wheat bread. It's very healthy, but it's not like shit meat or subway bread. And the fucking smoothies are real fruit smoothies. It's not like you go in and you go, oh my God, this is so sweet. No, you're like, this is fucking fruit. She's from another country on Duris or something like that. And I know that she's probably a coat dealer, but she's made millions of dollars there. They're there. They've been on that around that area for 30 years. You go on there, everybody's picture is on that. Everybody's gone there from Brad fucking Pitt, Angelina Jolie, because she's the real shit. Then they moved on, you know, everybody wants to be, but that place, go in there sometime

and taste their juices. They'll make you whatever you want. They've been making cucumber and carrot combinations for 30 fucking years. That's why it's amazing how this country goes through fads. And the thing I don't like about a fad diet is, which they shouldn't call it a diet, it should just be your whole lifestyle. Because if you want to drop a sincere amount of weight, you have to change your whole lifestyle. I knew that from Weight Watches. And it's like, last week I went to whatever and instead of having the chicken sandwich with the fries, I had the chicken sandwich with the fruit. I didn't fucking, I don't like it either. But I didn't eat Chinese food when I went to Long Island. When I'm on the plane, I was like, I'm gonna eat it. I'm trying

this fucking kid. I don't want a guy at 52. You know, I don't want my mother to be fucking, you know, you know what I started doing? It's the little things I cut up. Instead of, I'm good for a bag of fucking kettle chips every day. If I buy their Ralph's, either the chips, the pretzels, tortilla chips and hummus, but I did, I'll kill it. So what I did is I cut up, dude, this sounds stop, stop, stop, stop. You're disgusted. I know. I know you're disgusted. Somebody from Philadelphia eat hummus. This is what I'm saying. We're losing the war. We are losing the war slowly. They're in for a hummus. This is what I'm saying. I listen to you from what I'm saying. You're looking at, you're looking at like, I'm the goddess. Because I can't even look at these

early flags because I don't deserve the wisdom. I don't deserve what's on that flag. I don't deserve to be in the same room as the flag because of what I'm letting surrounding myself. If I was a true soldier, I just shoot people at supermarkets who even thought of looking at ranch dressing. Like I would just stand there all day at one supermarket per day. And if you looked at ranch, I should just shoot you, follow you home. And they wouldn't figure out why these people are getting shot. Nobody would figure it out. Why is this guy getting shot? Nobody. Because if you look at ranch dressing, if you put pizza with pineapple, no, I should shoot you. You don't like that? No, not even anywhere in my world. And if you eat hummus in public, like if you want to eat that

fucking toe jam and the privacy. That's all that is. It's toe jam with olive oil. That's all that shit is. You think people who tried to bomb us are going to make you something healthy? They're trying to kill you. They're trying. Every time I go to 7-Eleven, I'm convinced 7-Eleven, they're trying to kill you. It's okay to sell. That's okay in a different way. They're okay to sell. They got trucks. They're out there loading shit. That's how it's going to start. I guarantee we're all going to laugh in our faces one day. One 7-Eleven's going to blow up and they're all going to blow up strategically. We're all going to be fucking pissed the fuck off because they got good coffee. That's one thing. 7-Eleven don't have bad fucking coffee. It's just going in there. Today I went to

a 7-Eleven. The fucking chick was banging. And Burbank on Burbank. The little Hindu chick. But there's two 7-Eleven's where they have Indian chicks and they're fucking hot, hot. They transferred the whole clique out of this place in North Hollywood. There's one on Magnolia there and they used to have a good fucking Hindu clique. One guy was doing steroids down in Venice, a Hindu with a beard. Then they replaced the whole fucking class. They transferred them and they replaced that 7-Eleven. One of the guys even has the fucking al-Qaeda beard. Like the white beard and people go in and then the one on Laurel Canyon. That motherfucker is definitely al-Qaeda. That dude smells al-Qaeda. He smells like a mountain goat. That's fucking al-Qaeda.

Well, we just lost 7-Eleven as a sponsor. But I believe that. I believe that. I look at that and I go, that could be. I'm not mad at nobody. I might get sued for saying this shit. I'm crazy. I'm crazy in a different way like any of those people with conspiracy theories. I just see things for what they are. And I see these people ganging up on us. Today I read an article about that they're letting people in as refugees from these other countries and they've already let, I don't know how many al-Qaeda soldiers in or whatever. Really? Yeah. We let a bunch in as something they're posing as soldiers that have been injured or something like that. Something fucking outlandish. So, you know, when it's all over,

don't come crying at me if you get bombed at 7-Eleven when you get the hot dog. I told you not to go. And look at those wings. That's reverse terrorism. 7-Eleven, that's terrorism. Not 7-Eleven subway. That's definitely terrorist. That's definitely terrorist right there. That's definitely they're poisoning you from the inside out. Go to 7-Eleven, get a turkey sandwich and go home and smell your shit eight hours later. See what comes out. First of all, it takes, go on Google and see how long it takes for your stomach to digest something and time it. Time it. Time it. Seriously. You don't have to be, I'm a professional. And then go home and see what all your other shits look like and what the 7-Eleven sandwich looks like when it comes out here. That's terrorism,

guys. That's a different type of fucking terrorism. A lot of people might turn off the podcast, but I'm not, and I'm right away, I'm not fucking, I'm saying subway sandwich. Every time you go to subway sandwich, it's Mexican people working there. I'm not saying they're terrorists, but it's the fucking root of evil. This weed is tremendous. This fucking rant powered to you by Chibo Choo. If you're going to come after me, 7-Eleven, go after Chibo Choo because they're the ones that fueled this whole thing. What's up, Lisaayette, you bad motherfucker? Let's give some shout-outs. Let's give a shout-out to my man, man, the Agostino for coming out to I love this cocksucker with all my heart. Trudder, Arnor, Bad Andy, Cleo, Jordan,

Miskell, Joey Brooklyn, I love you cocksucker, Fran Nielsen, Ty Grant, Kelly Valdez, and Denver, what the fuck yet? And Art Jiggity in Chicago, I love you cocksuckers. I hope everybody's doing all right today. Wednesday, look at this people fucking tweeting. I don't even know what they're doing. And in a few weeks, Agostino is going to be on Nouveau's Stand Up and Deliver, December 10th. Here's to the December 10th. Come on. Do you know when you're there? He's taking over fucking Telemundo single-handedly and shit. My man, the Agostino, watch. Pretty soon he'll be doing fucking gigs in Guadalajara. Fucking he'll get shot in the foot. He'll come back like a soldier and shit. What happened? I got shot in the foot, some Mexican dude, but he gave me a key little

blow. God out the bellow. Oh my god, we have a good time on this. I don't even fucking know. Who gives a fuck? We're not supposed to be edited, but not that. If you want a TV show, go to what CBS where people rehearse their lines. I mean rehearsing shit. I ain't planning shit. The fucking sponsors, they know what time it is. You know, I gotta come back to you with the truth. The fucking Dollar Shave Club is very good. That Hulu Plus. A lot of people were on Hulu. Hulu Plus. Oh shit. Hulu Plus is getting better by the fucking day. Low on order, SVU. They got everything on there. Fucking Shark Tank. They ain't fucking around at Hulu Plus no more. Break it down. And he said last night your daughter couldn't sleep so you turned on SpongeBob Square

pants. There you go. Who the fucking thing you're dealing with? She was jumping up and down at 12 o'clock, hitting the fucking blocks. My wife's like, calm it down. Fuck that. This is a late ninth house, bitch. You have to make him the pasta like Tommy Simone's mother did that scene. Fuck. I miss Italian people in my heart for that. Very quickly. Just go to joeyds.net, the banner, or put Joey in. Listen, you know what? I'm going to cut you, motherfuckers, off on Hulu Plus because you're not taking advantage. I'd be doing this over, over, and over again. This is very easy. This is very easy. You could cut your ties with the world. You could watch it on your fucking phone when you're sitting there with a finger up your

ass. When you're sitting there in the coffee shop making believe you're writing a book that's going to save you, you're going to Paris. Go fuck your mother. Right there at fucking Starbucks, you could boom, put it right there at 7-eleven. You could put your favorite fucking little movie on, your favorite TV show on whatever. It's low on order. It's scandalous. I got original programming. I forget the shows. I'm fucking stone, not to mention you guys got that much of a fucking selection. So stop fucking around. Go to fucking joeyds.net. Go to Hulu Plus and pressing the code Joey. You're going to get two weeks gratis on the fucking arm. Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you went to a hooker and she sucked your dick for two weeks for free? And then you

started paying her. Who gives you two weeks for free? Go to Jack down at the ha ha. You think he'll give you, go in the angle. I'm going to come in two weeks for free, two weeks for free, and then you pay every time after that. Fuck you. You're going to tap out on me after a week, but no, they give you that much fucking commitment. So stop fucking around. Go to HuluPlus.com, pressing the code word Joey, and you're going to get the fucking deal of your life. You know why? Because I'm Uncle Joey. I stand fucking behind Hulu Plus. We think I'm going to hang out with people who fuck you up and steal your credit card. I love you, cock suckers. That's why we're here. It's Wednesday. Shout outs Metallica, Steve DeSimone fucking throwing heat. What are you

fucking nuts or what? My man, NouveauTV. You know what I watched the other day and it's going to make you so happy. Know what was so bad? Hangover three was so bad, we had to turn it off. Why would you even do that to yourself? You people keep torturing yourself with this shit. I wanted it, and I want Anchorman two to be good, but it's going to be garbage. But keep saying that because it goes up against grudgy. Oh, it does. Yeah, Anchorman, I want it to be good, but it has to be garbage. Will Farrell's Will Farrell. Let me tell you something. A lot of people are going to fucking turn the podcast off. I was never a fan of Silent Night Live growing up. I didn't understand Samurai Night Fever. It made me laugh for a second. But after that, a lot of people must feel that way

about me and a lot of people feel that way about a lot of comedians. I wasn't a fan of Silent Night Live, okay? Will Farrell with Cal Bell. Will Farrell did some shit on there that made me fucking laugh. And I'm a closet comedy enthusiast. I don't watch TV hoping that you fail. When I go home that night before I leave, I scan showtime. I wish I was lying to you people. We just had a discussion. If you get me by 6.30 when I'm watching Dian Sawyer, I'll tell you whether or not the direction is going. I'll tell you some nights if I just need a nap, but I'll be there for the taco man. So I can pull a nap out of my ass like nobody can. If I tap out of 8.30, I usually wake up at 11, look at the clock, and I can make a decision. If the taco

man's there at 12, I'll get up, have a cup of coffee, take a hit off a joint, wash my pussy. Even if I'm up before an hour, you're gonna look good for the taco man. You're gonna look fucking refreshed. You won't go see the taco man with fucking natty shit in your fucking head, dude. What was I talking about? Will Farrell. So a lot of times I look to see what's coming on the television and I either tape it and I'm excited now. Stephen is easy special. I don't even watch it yet, but I got excited. Yep. Something that I know somebody. I want to watch it. Click. I'll fucking just hit a button and you watch it later on or when you get home that night or if I get home on a Saturday night, Saturday Night Live is on. As a comic, I got to watch it for 10

minutes. I got to watch it. I heard this week's was good with Lady Gaga. See, they're going outside the box. Justin Timberlake is one of the best things they've had the last 10 years. Recording back from the Denver Broncos is what it's amazing that these guys are naturals. They walk in and these guys are trained that IOE and all these fucking improv jumping up and down and play the game. There ain't no fucking game. People that go see that shit laugh at them. Oh, that's so brilliant. He's standing there. He's a tree. Suck my dick. I did stand up and buffalo in a fucking corner, you know, with 60 people that get in for free that hate fucking life or the drinking that they're arguing with their girlfriend. They buying one more drink. You're sure you're

going to suck my dick because if not, I'll pay the electric bill. You know what I'm saying? You've seen those type of people. They're the real deal. They're the real fucking deal. These people, you got to go up there and make them laugh and you got eight minutes because a person has, you know, 10 seconds to judge you. But you might hit them with a good joke and they'll go, look at this motherfucker. He's going right to the cellar or he's going here and also after eight minutes, you connect with them. You talk about an animal or your grandma dying. I don't need to connect with them. Now you've got six or seven people in the audience. That's all you need to get the party started. Them laugh is fucking contagious. It's like

lighting a fucking fire and blowing out of them. Absolutely. What's going on, D'Agostino? I'm watching you because you didn't smoke no reef. You didn't eat no edibles. I can't trust you. You might be wearing a wire. Did you check them? Who sent you pops up? He might be wearing a wire. Don't just sit there. Check them. We got shit going on here. Like son's anarchy. So, uh, and we were talking about it at the other night, uh, like kind of what you guys were talking about at the beginning. You two have worked and you've put it in the work for 10 years and you might not have had a Hollywood, like been a star, starring Hollywood, uh, movie star, but

like, and he, I still like him, but Vince Vaughn has that movie coming out where he's the father of 3,000 kids or whatever. He, at a point, him and Will Ferrell were going back and forth with movies, Elf, Anchorman, and then, and Dodgeball and Vending Crashers. And now he, none of his movies have done anything. Uh, well, first off, you cannot go to the fucking well constantly. I cannot go 100% constantly. If I go on the road 40 weeks a year with the same Mac without changing it, I'm going to have, uh, statistically, I'm going to have 30 fucking good weeks and 10 weeks. I'm not going to be good. The more spaghetti you throw against the wall, now I'm going to school you motherfuckers. Ooh, tremendous. I'm going to school you.

I'm going to school you motherfuckers on something. In 1984, Eddie Murphy released Delirious. No. Oh, was that wrong? Trading Places. Oh yeah. In 83, he released 48 hours. It was the winter of 82. He released 48 hours. Okay. Winter of 83, he released Trading Places. One of the funniest movies ever. Now, number one, the marketing was different. Now, you become hit, you're in everything. Fucking Vince Vaughn for three years. He was in fucking everything, tampon commercials. He was at the Macy's Parade. You know, when you're over, after a while, you're like, okay, it's Vince Vaughn. I fucking get it. He made a string of great fucking films. He started with that film with the guy who's fatter than me now. Swingers. Swingers. And he made eight films. You can't stay around forever.

But the more you go to the well, the quicker you're going to go down the tubes. And these agents are greedy and the fucking back rows are huge and why you're on top. What do you think? Three million for Will? Oh, yes, he will. Hold on. Will, yes, I have Steve Simone, the phone, he's an all-view thrimmer. And you get three of those before the year is up. You've got, they've got you on five fucking movies. They don't give a fuck when you go to Australia, Hong Kong, Kangarooville. You're shooting these fucking movies and you're tired and they're going to get you to do, instead of doing, you know, instead of doing fucking a movie a year and it being tremendous, like you and me sitting down, like me getting somebody who's a friend. This is when you get somebody to go, Steve, what do you do

for a living? We're going to weigh out. I've known you how many years? 40 years. Come on. From now on, when I get a script, I want you to read it. If you think it's me, you give it to me. You be as honest as you can. Fuck the agent. Fuck the assistant. Fuck you and fuck you. This guy makes his decision because he's got his best interest. You're looking for the 10 points and I don't blame you, Lee. I'd be doing the same thing and I don't, I don't mean to point at you. You know, you're just Jewish. So I got a point. When I say 10%, I got a point that you, if not the Jews will get this respect. That flag, I can't point unless I'm talking 10%. I bless you. You fuck. At least you show up with Getus. So, uh, do you understand? So you have four people telling you the movie's great.

They're all in cahoots. If you die tomorrow, guess what? They got a next guy. John Leguzamo Replation. Now they're blowing smoke up his ass. It's how solid you are that you could decide, you know what? I'm passing on that. Yeah. I'm passing on this. I'm passing on this. I'm passing, you know what? I'm already showing my ass on Son's Anarchy. Why the fuck am I going to torture him bitch? And 50 shades of gray. Do you understand me? You can't go keep going well. If you do 10 tonight shows after a while, it's, it's fucking bad. If you do one tonight show every two years, not people want to show up down there. But people don't think like that no more. They want to whore you out there because, you know, how many times have we sat together and said, Lee's not working

now. Let's do this five days a week. You know what, Doug? I'm 50. I got a nine month old. I got you guys. I got a ride. I'm trying to write a book. I'm trying to get healthy. If I came here five days a week, me at 50, I know, even if he gave me $50 million, I'm not going to be funny five days a week. All right. And I can't do this five days a week. I can do this two days a week and do a week in the standup. I can't keep this emotional. I got to come in here fucking pumped at six in the morning. That guy don't do blow or drink alcohol no more. I know I can't do this five days a week, but that's what you get with knowledge. That's what you get after knowing a little bit about yourself and what you could do. You know, I know I can't do a Sunday night. Even if they come at me

and go, bro, if you stay Sunday, they'll give you a bonnet. You know what? I know me. I'm going to lose my voice. I'm going to fly back. I'm going to get sick and then I got to cancel next week. So the nickel I made for staying, I'm going to lose fucking next week. So if you do 30 movies a year, and he was, it's like the black dude. Now they put him in commercials with his head shaped. He played everything for a while. You know, and I love him. You know, the guy in Jungle Fever and he played in all the, you know, he was in, you know, pop fiction. Samuel Jackson. I remember Paul Mooney said they had that nigger on playing Moses the other night, three in the morning. They had him playing the Viking. You know,

Mooney was goofing on him after a while. They had him doing everything. And after a while, the guy that moved to Texas, the guy that was chasing the fugitive. And how many movies were they giving Tommy Lee Jones for a while? They gave Tommy Lee Jones 80 movies in fucking four years. After a while, you're not a drone or more. If you're a draw, you're going to be a draw for your pop one. And it's conservative. It's the right one. It's not how many motherfuckers you shoot. It's who you shoot. You might come at me with three mediocre movies, but I'm over here and I'm going, I'm going to take less of a paycheck. I'm going to do a couple of weeks of stand-up. I'm going to be a dad. I'm going to take one of

these a year. That's me. I could curse and I could go through a window and I could shoot the Augustine on the leg and I could get him apart in the movie. You know, I could fucking, you know what I'm saying? Dots. In the beginning, we'd do anything. I'd do everything. I'd do a fucking porno thing. We're fucking T-Bo. T-Bo and all those guys. And when did you show? Steve Brothers-E, all of us. We all got $2,000 the week before Christmas. And it was like a girls gone wild type tape. They showed up at the comedy store. They took every dirty comic and they gave us like a grand, the 1500, the week before fucking Christmas and they threw, this wasn't girls gone wild. This was girls gone fucking ugly.

This was girls from like the less known strip club. This is chicks that they pulled out. Like you just keep going backwards in the strip club world. This was like the one when they put you down like Pico and fucking, you know, and they pulled them on. They took them to this pool party and they were fucking them and the husband showed up. It was just gross guys. And you know, but you do shit in the beginning. I'm talking about after you've made it there. You know, I like Vince Vaughn. I don't know what this movie's about. Am I not going to go see it? I don't go to see anything, but if that's on TV, I'll give the guy a chance. Would I pay the $12.50 the week before the holidays or whatever? Yeah. No. And it's, that's why it's funny. He brought up

Pulp Fiction. That's why Tarantino's is always great because he takes three or four years. He writes it himself. Yeah. And he, like I, the only one I haven't seen is Jackie Brown, but everything I've seen of his has been good. Jackie Brown's good. Yeah. I've had 17. Good soundtrack. The narrow doing bomb hits. Yeah. The chick is hot. The blonde. Yeah. What's her face? Oh, Fonda. Oh, she's a fucking beautiful. And the, uh, Lee, how can you sit there? What? And tell me you haven't seen, what movie did you watch last week? I watched, uh, what's the one, The Purge? What was that? How was that? It was okay. Okay. This I'm saying. So you took a chance with The Purge. Yeah. But Jackie Brown is sitting there with

her ass all white off. Well, yeah, but I mean, I don't know. I was with the girl was on Netflix. Who's the Captain Kirkley Enterprise? Her when she's having sex with me. And this guy, we're at the work for a piece. He won't take a fart in the eyebrow, but you're fucking, I know I'm going to have to do that eventually. Oh, what do you do that? Do you, do you, do you like just sniff girls assholes? Uh, it depends on who the chick is. Yeah. Sure. Like she's gorgeous. You got to do it. And even if you're drunk, got a few in you. I've seen you drunk. Yeah. When you're drunk, you sniff my asshole. I'd see your horned up, buddy, you're fucking rocking shit. Trying to get a little fucking Dominguez in your mouth. You ever eat

pussy and your breath tastes different for like three weeks, three weeks, like a film in your mouth. You must be really getting in there. No, sometimes we eat like weird pussy. The chicken's promiscuous or pussy, whatever it's like promiscuous pussy tastes good. It's salty, but it sticks in your mouth. Like you get like this white stuff, like this film. And it's okay. It just, you get like the certain bad breath. You don't give a fuck. It's like, it's like pussy. It's like 3D pussy breath. The worst for me was. Fuck it. It's Wednesday. The worst for you was what? Was on the fingers or even, even if like it's a one night stand and you leave and you couldn't wash and you look, you just get to like a store to grab a soda and you can smell it when you're handing them the

money. Did you smell your fingers Lee? Always. I still do it. Did you act like you can get hard? You want to bang one out in the car? I, because I've always had porn, so I can't think about it and like smell my finger, but I was pussy. So like you talk about that sometimes. You sniff a bra and bang one out, you never did one. No, you put the weirdest stuff to get turned on by. Fuck, nobody sniffs a bra here. I'm the only freak here. You look at her, you look at her fucking high heels and you just jack off into them. Oh my God. You never jerked off in a girl's shoe? No. Like it's a matter of fact. You never jerked off in a girl's shoe. When they're taking a shower, you whack off in that shoe and then they put that foot in there. Ooh, what's going on?

Like, man, hurry up. You gotta go. And they go to work with that super glue on their foot all fucking day. This is that type of podcast today, people. We're just fucking around here. You know, we got to lighten it up here dog every once in a while. We just can't keep giving you serious people in serious situations. It's Wednesday, you know, I don't give a fuck how you judge this podcast. It's a great fucking podcast. Steve Simone is here. I love all these motherfuckers, the Agostini. What's going on? So all right, you shot stand up revolution, Comedy Central, Gabriel Glacius, four fucking seasons. This is the fourth season. Is that four seasons? Wow. This is the fourth season. Correct. Great experience for you. Great hanging around with Gabriel.

He gave you a camera or anything? What's that? What did he give you? What gift was in your dressing? Dude, I did a comedy festival, his first comedy festival. He threw Dr. Dre Beats in their best gift I've ever gotten. Oh, my God. Well, he threw me the Sony, the bloggy and that bloggy is what mainly used to do our first mad flavors world and other things. The bloggy still works. And I always felt in my heart that because he was such a positive influence, like he fought for me to get on comedy. I had to do something positive with that bloggy. And that bloggy really started this movement. Oh, that's awesome. Because we made 12, 15, 20 videos. Are you fucking kidding me? That bloggy is still ticking. It's falling down. I will have that. They got to bury me with that

bloggy. They got to bury me with that bloggy. That's a rare fucking bloggy, that bloggy on that bloggy today. I can't even use it no more. The reason why I don't make my flavor world is because I'm lazy. And number two, I have film on there of me hugging De Niro. And our heads are shaking, like I'm talking to him, I'm thanking him, like you have no idea. Like all of a sudden we're leaving, I go we're going to take a picture and all of a sudden he's hugging me, I go dog. As we're looking at the camera, like most people smile, fake, I'm like, you have no fucking idea what you did for me. You have no fucking idea what this means, what you did talking to me. I'm just a fucking piece of shit. And he was like talking, like

are you fucking kidding me? Just keep doing what you're doing. I mean, it was just, and I have those two things on that's why I won't, it won't even go out of that fucking draw because I'm scared. They got to bury me with that. They got to bury me with that fucking thing. I finally threw a phone away, but it was the film of when Samurai was fucking mama to conceive. Super bad. I think you're a kid's cat. I had, I walk out of my back to go to the commie store one night and Samurai, the cat that was fucking everybody, was back there. He had, he had mama pinned against the wall. She swatting at him. He's fucking the shit out of it and on deck is the black and white one who's super bad's father. So after he fucked, he ran away and

super bad's father jumped in that ass, knocked her up. That's why there's Lulu, Evie, and super bad. The two of them assigned me. The super bad is black and white, but cats could get pregnant with different sperm. Really? I don't know. Yeah, you learn something every fucking day. So I had three from, I had four of his litter, that whole litter. I took, I was responsible for those last four cats, but the one that got me interested in that litter was the most outlandish, craziest cat. If you didn't, if you saw him and didn't take him home, it was very, it was rough on your insides. He was the real deal. He was assigned me with the cover on his face. And we had him chasing balls in five weeks. He knew his name because he was like Demi. So he called him DJ,

Demi Jr. And I throw the ball in the morning while I was picking the ball up and go, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and he fucking come flying. And I throw the ball, I give him sushi, I give him can of tuna, and I was just prepping my wife to bring him up. My wife's like, you can't bring that cat out. I'm like, I gotta find the perfect fucking person. Death. But his buddy was super bad. So it was four of them in the family. So it was Superbad, DJ, Evie, and Lulu. Lulu and Demi were Goombas, Evie, and Superbad were Goombas. So one hung out on one side of the fence, and the other one hung out by the tomato patch. It was fucking amazing. But the boys would play Superbad and DJ. But Superbad would climb trees

and go on the roof. And I would always go, DJ, don't follow him. He's no good. Fuck that dirty bitch. He's taking you to the dark streets that you don't want to go on. This is my million, you got to write a kids book about this and do videos of you reading these stories about the cats to little kids. That's a hundred million dollars. At that time, I was 400 pounds. I was still snort and blow. And at that time, I was getting shocks in the back of my neck. At the end of the night, when I was coming down from the coke, I would get an electrical shock at my spine. And it was kind of come over. And in my mind, I would get up, eat sushi, and my friend was teaching me Qigong. So I'm like, fuck these

bitches. I'm not going to die. I'm doing Qigong. Right. So I would go out in my yard and the cats would be out there. So I would be watching the cats while I'd be out there, 400 pounds, tearing my knee out doing Qigong and the movements and shit and balancing myself. So I watched them. And I kept telling them, Terry, we got to bring up DJ. And she's like, if nobody takes him, we'll bring him up. And finally she says his legs roll up, which is a bad sign. We got to bring him up. By that time, we found the home for the two girls. The two girls were gone. Beautiful. We found the home for them. We brought DJ up. We left super bad out there by himself. We're super bad. Got sick. So we brought them both up. They were both doing okay. But then

DJ died. And that's the last night that cocaine the night that DJ died. And I kept super bad. Then three days later, we got a call from the girl that the cats were attacking her cat, those two girls, we're going to be killers. They had the same blood. I was thinking about Evie. The other night how Evie is the only kind of one around the baby. Evie moves like a fucking snake. Her and Lulu are the only ones who aren't that cool with me. They're not cool with nobody. They're very, but once they love you, like I pick Lulu up and kiss her in the face. And she goes, man, man, and she meows to me with a little voice. And Evie loves me. Evie's not even tight with my wife, but Evie loves her daddy. I woke up to Evie and she gives me taps. And she smells me the whole

thing and I pet her. And when I walk away from her, she swats at me. You have to watch how you walk back around her. She's a Sicilian. You know what I'm saying? Like Sicilians, they always said don't stand that arm range because they could be carrying a knife and they cut your leg. You got to be careful with Sicilians in Jersey. The ones down the fucking south, those Sicilians, they used to call them something, the zips. Those motherfuckers would be talking to you about money or something. And all of a sudden you're like, yeah, fuck you. And they chop your leg and now they got you. You hold on to your leg. Oh, you cut me by the time you said tuck. You got 18 holes in you and all Sicilians started stabbing and they just walk away

from you. You just fucking bleed out. Nobody saw nothing. They said, fucking amazing. Well, that's how fast she is. She's that fast. You have to watch her, bro. But she's the love of my life. Like I picked her up. I gave her salmon this morning. She's cool as shit. So I got them back and that's the story. I don't even know how we got on this fucking cat. So it was one of you people. You're making me all sentimental. What's up? I love you. We got him contact high. Well, we have the door open. If the door wasn't open, he would be. Oh, there's a lot of smoke in here. So what's going on? What do you got planned for the weekend? Tell me something. Going to Vegas for a day and a half. Then I'll come back. When do you come back? Friday morning. I'm gonna

figure out how to put testicle testaments on payloads. That's your next mission. $2 on payloads for the holiday season. A lot of people don't can't go on iTunes. So I'm saying this right now. Testicle testaments will be on payloads pretty soon along. Do you want to just have it up and then the CD comes out in a few weeks? Honestly, that put it on for payloads and we'll have that on CD. We'll put the CD on payloads and they'll be on iTunes too. That's how we fucking roll you. I'm headed to fucking St. Louis to the old rock house. Thursday, the 21st with the one of the coolest Jews I know, Ari Shafir. I know he's going to show up with some story how he left his shoe in Bangkok or that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? He's going to show up with 800 posters,

but there's only 300 people. Why do I think there was 800 people? Because who knows, Ari? And then the following week, I'm down in San Diego with Benjamin, my man Benji's going to be down there. You're coming down Saturday night. Gostino's going to be down there. He's going to be the master ceremonies one of the baddest motherfuckers in the mic. I might even have to give him an extra 10 to put a tuxedo on him. Sing some Italian songs for you. Mario Lanza. You know Italian songs? Somebody sent me, just because I love these guys, somebody sent me a message this morning and it was a hotmail with a breakdown. Did anybody happen to see this breakdown today? Well, it's your lucky day today, gentlemen, because you fit the bill. It's a non-union

doesn't pay. They're planning a comedy tour and they're about to go across the country. You have a drum roll? Let me find it. I can't believe you two Italians are here. It's your lucky day. A drum roll please. Because this is opportunity. I was not long enough. Hold on. This is opportunity. This is as opportunity as I get for you people. I can't believe you're sitting here and not man on the package as we speak. Here we go. What's the minute one? I can't believe. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit that. Hit that motherfucker. All right. Guess who's hiring? Guess who's looking for a co-host? Jimmy and Joey. Italian duo for the next comedy team. Somebody sent me an email going, this is your chance.

Exactly. Turn the fucking mic off before hitting the head with the fucking mic. I can't believe you guys should be running to the mailbox. On the way to the mailbox, you should have one hand in the steering wheel, the other on your fucking computer, typing up your resume, your headshot, a media package, anything you have because you guys don't know what you're missing. You know, you're on tour with Joey and Jimmy on his Italian Midwest tour. He's doing a restaurant tour. It's all over. It starts right here with Succi's and Sherman Oaks and moves on to Carlucci's in Van Nuys. Then Mama Leoni's in Burbank. Then from there, it goes to Vinny's Italian kitchen and organ store down in Hollywood. Then from

the organ store. Then it goes to fucking Jack O'Botso's fucking Campo Academy down in Inglewood. You don't know Jack O'Botso? Who the fuck do you know? I guess no Italian to you. I even know Jack O'Botso. The fuck is wrong with people, Lee? I love you motherfuckers as usual, man. I'm happy you guys are still in the game. We had a great week with Parkers. I'd like to thank the guests for the fucking hour. My man, Steve Simone, who I see nothing but big things for. I don't blow smoke up. No, I just don't bring no fucking Johnny come lately on this fucking podcast. Into the fucking Lee Syed Hebrew Academy of Science and Podcasts with no fucking. You got to show up here with an envelope but don't fucking show up. Look at the Augustino show it

up. We got tight security here. We have Israeli weapons. They know Krav Maga. Even Lee, what are you going to join Krav Maga? Why don't you join Krav Maga? You can jump through the air. Yeah. The day I jump through the air will be, I don't know, fucking give me stone. I don't know. You haven't even eaten the goomy bed. No, I'm fucking Wednesday. Beautiful. I can't eat. I can't eat. Every day you eat edibles. I'm the only one in the world that you care. I love you with that. Eat the pizza. No, to make us happy. Just a little p half of the house. I'll eat it Monday. Why Monday? Because it's edible Mondays. It's edible every day at the church or what's happening. Let me ask you something. When you go to church, when you go

to Catholic church, do they say that you don't know we don't give the cookie yesterday? The body of Christ comes every day. It's like fucking. Does that make you a cancer? Cancer shows up seven days a week. Okay. The body of Christ is given seven fucking days a week. There's one trying to say to you, how can you let me eat that? Because you love it. I don't love nothing. The only thing I love is laying on my couch and some chicks sucking my ass so it's around right. That's what I think I fucking love. For every edible I eat, you have to eat one container of hummus. No, just your fingers. Who eats hummus? Just find my little fingers. Everyone does. I'm talking about you eating a little piece of fucking thing to loosen you up. I'm loose. Look, you're not loose. I can

sell the stress in your shoulders. I can see that your chakras are tight. You gotta be loose, dawg. You gotta believe it. Because I have panic attacks every time you make me eat a piece. Why fucking panic attacks? What? Eat a little piece. No. Just a little piece of the gummy brain. Are you like that? You know how every time you say no, people throw their earphones down and they go look at Lee. He's hanging out with fucking Steve Simone, Di Agostino, Matt Flavor, and he's turning down a piece of a gummy band on a Wednesday. Tell them or try to do it every day. I'm trying to build your tolerance up so you don't get hit like a fucking lightning bolt. My tolerance isn't going to go anywhere because you still get knocked up.

No, take a little bite. It's Wednesday. Come on. The power of Christ compels you. The exorcism is on. That's my guy. Eat a little piece of whatever and do two hits to this for your nose and you'll be fucking hot. I'm not sharing here. This is this is this is afrin mixed with THC water. Oh, God. Like that. You little piece of fucking goomy. Come on. People at home. People get pissed off. Mother. I got emails. They want to strangle you. I'm trying to save your life. I'm like Michael Jackson, the 74. I'm trying to save your life. You little goomy. We get the fuck out of you. All in a Monday. Forget fucking Monday might not come. What happened if I die Sunday afternoon?

Jesus. God forbid. I don't know, but because you this is how you got to paint the field because at the funeral, I don't want you sitting there in the corner by yourself going, I should eat that goomy. That's the last goomy was my fucking goomba. And I didn't eat the last goomy. That was the last time I went to Vegas. I lost 800. I got fucked in the ass by some fucking piano player named Liberace. And I didn't eat the goomy. I didn't eat the goomy. And all you inherit is the fucking computer. Eat the fucking goomy, cocksucker. Don't piss me off. Oh, here you go. A little picture of Ari right around Hanukkah. Who's just fucking bothering me? Now they want to call me. All right. I love you, cocksuckers. Stay black.

The church of what's happening now. Steve Simone. Where you at? I'm going to be with you next week and where after that, where you at? Caroline's with Rhina Zeezy. Look at you. What's the date there? That's like the week before Christmas. Your motherfuckers that came to Long Island last weekend to governors. I love you at all my heart. Go support these guys in the city. You bad motherfuckers that came to Gotham to support me. Go support this fucking savage in the city. What date? It's the 18th through the 23rd. Thank you very much. I know this was not your fucking ordinary podcast, but we ain't type of ordinary motherfuckers. You understand me? You want ordinary people? Listen to the Osmonds. This is fucking the church of what's happening

now. The vision that that's what, which means freedom, expression. Ain't nobody an artist here. We just do what the fuck we want to do. Stay black. Right or wrong? Ain't nobody no fucking artist here. Ain't nobody posing with a hat with a feather. We're telling you some fucking bullshit story about how we went to India and we met this fucking Zen master. Zen masters could suck my dick. The only Zen masters a week, we're here in LA. We day walking this motherfucker, knocking on doors, doing our sexual two in the morning. Everybody else is getting fucking fat, living it up, scared. They can't even help two motherfuckers out. We've been in the game here. Tell them, two years since the tattoos, brothers were wearing them tattoos. Now it's 95 and we're

rocking like Liberace. Now they want to rob me. It's all good from Diego to the Bay. The city doesn't fuck and the pity doesn't pay. Put that shit on a little California log. Let's end the podcast with California love. Who knew plus go to who knew plus press in get two weeks for free and a 799 a month after that. That's a fucking deal. That's a bargain where I come from dollar shave club. I fucking love you. I'm about to go home with dollar shave my face. Fuck and put that I'm going to what I'm going to Charlie wipe my asshole. It's the holidays, bitch. And for honor, I love you. The reason why I'm getting healthy every day is because of you people. And if you these other motherfuckers don't see it, fuck you. Go eat vitamin one a day

and go eat east powder. And don't come crying to me when you're fucking shit. Lumps up over here and running with mad flavor on it.com. Pressing the code name. What are you fucking nuts or what? Stop it. You got me so high. I forgot the name of the song. Where's the goomy bed cock sucker? None of the show's over. Don't forget to sign up for your free trial. Who plus who plus was your binge on thousands of shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smart corner tablet, support this podcast of who plus go to joeyds.net and click on the who plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club.com. You'll get high quality raisers until your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollar shave club.com

forward slash church or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. Hey, and remember, have a happy holidays next week and travel safe with your family. We love you here at the church. What's happening now? We care about you. If you're traveling, keep your motherfucking eyes open. Watch everybody. As you could tell, it's not just one denomination. Everybody's shooting everybody. Watch white people, black people, Puerto Ricans. Watch them all keep your fucking eyes open. Stay off the phone. Stop giggling like a fucking asshole. You don't want to get shot on Thanksgiving weekend. Oh, who shot that duck? I love you, cocksuckers. Happy holidays. Hit it, Lee. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's salmon. That's the whole

fucking. That's not me. Go Lee. Oh, what Lee? What Lee? Oh, shit. Thank you very much. I love you. Stay black. you