Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/21/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #31

Episode Date: November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving! Joey and Lee talk about a dream Joey had, Joey getting way too high, and Rodney Dangerfield. An amazing call from Alex, Joey's roommate in the halfway house makes for an amazing podcast. Visit Onnit.com and use the promo code CHURCH for a special discount Streamed live on 11/21/2012

It's like the road to heaven, but it feels like the road to hell But I knew it's not what it was, but I took the nap as well But it was a burnin' up picture, everybody's got to sail But when you shake your ass, they knew this fast I saw mistakes, one built to last Oh shit, oh shit, that's what you get That's what you get, changing your mind Oh shit, I hope you took your fuckin' alpha brain today, cop sucker

It's Wednesday, November 21st, a beautiful fuckin' day to be alive here The church of wood, giga league! Oh shit! Fuck, oh shit Oh, stop it! Oh shit, George Michael, Lee Zayed, aka the flying fuckin' Jew, Joey Coco Diaz The church of what's happening now, motherfuckers, today I wasn't doin' blow, I just didn't blow my nose, sometimes

You know what I'm sayin'? You come out of the shower, you're all fucked up It's a beautiful day to be alive Fat Man Alert, Fat Man Alert, this is the day Today it starts, they're gonna try fuckin' with you as a fat dude Watch your back, you know, eat one cookie instead of nineteen They're gonna be food all over the place, people are gonna hand you sodas It's gonna be like an orgy for fuckin' fat people It starts today, till January 2nd, you wake up, you don't fit in your fuckin' Christmas clothes

The pajamas, you're out of breath, you're huffin' and puffin' Fuck it, so it starts today What's happenin', Lisa Ayat, you bad motherfucker? Nothing, I feel great, man It's a beautiful day, Lee walks in that bed up since three in the afternoon No, I've been out since three in the afternoon He goes to the fuckin' dentist before work, all of a sudden he wants to be Johnny fuckin' Tooth, whatever, fairy

No dentist I know is open at five a.m. Well, you gotta do it on an off-day, you go to the dentist on Saturdays What dentist is open on a Saturday? Talk to my wife, right down the corner there, they hook you up, all you gotta do is ask Alright You think Jews don't work Saturdays? Things are bad all over I know that, Lee only goes to Jewish fuckin' dentists, which I don't blame ya You know, it's fuckin' crazy to walk in there and see some fuckin' guy with an afro workin' on your fuckin' teeth

You're like, what happened here? I don't know what it was, everyone on my insurance was Hindu, like every dentist Oh yeah, the Hindus are makin' a cut Let me tell you, you go to a hospital lately, God forbid, knock on fuckin' wood You walk in, I've said this a thousand times, you walk in, there's like three or four white people They're all happy, lady at the front is usually black when they check you out Yeah, of course Once you go upstairs

She's the one that's got a front on my face? Right, well not that one Once you go upstairs, you've got four or five white people that are very nice They sit you down, they do your paperwork Once they send that little fuckin' Japanese chick, cause that chick ain't white either That chick's like Japanese or something Once they send her out to grab you and they walk you into the back You've gone to the third world nation, fuckin' hotel

I don't know if you realize that, they only have white people in the front Then you go on the back and little Hindu comes and takes your blood out to the Japanese You gotta put your IV in, I mean everybody, there's no white people left no more in the hospital It's tremendous, I don't know what the fuck happened, I love it Then you go into a trance, the doctor's white You go into a trance, they fuckin' cut you open Then you wake up and recover, you wake up and recover, that's when you go into the Filipino And you think you're an apocalypse now, right now at that point

You got chickens running around in the fuckin' emergency room, it's amazing You wake up, they're all bound to Marlon Brando You never seen that apocalypse now with a bunch of Asians You don't fuck with me Lee, not today, it's Wednesday The day before Thanksgiving and shit I've seen both versions, I mean Which one you seen, the original and the redux? Yeah, it's not both

What's the difference between the redux? It's just, it's like 40 minutes longer So what's the scene that they added that they didn't take out? I don't remember You don't, you're slipping cock sucker The scene when they hook up with the French, I think, and they go to dinner Okay Who gives a fuck?

You know what, whenever I watch it sometimes, I don't like that part anyway That's how it comes on AMC Oh, okay It comes on with the redux My wife likes that version too, I could kill her, I'd rather You know, three hours is enough, you gotta add an extra 40 fuckin' minutes Yeah Three hours is enough, oh shit

I got a fuckin' lollipop here, butterscotch to start my day off, I got nothin' This is, I don't even know what the fuck these are I went over to the weed store yesterday Because yesterday at Divine Wellness, you know, like I told you, Divine Wellness, no, don't fuck around when it comes to eddies And Tuesday is my edible day, it's acupuncture I walked to the Y Okay I threw some weights around for about an hour, I came home, I had two non-fucking lettuce

And then I went to acupuncture, on the way back, I went over to I had to go give some clothes I cleaned out my closet yesterday Only the first half, you know And I took it over to the benefit people from New Jersey Oh, that's nice Yeah, well, you know, you could only help so much My friend said that there's a place you send it to

So I went over to UPS And that's probably a good way to do it, because it can't take money out of your clothes Unless you leave fuckin' 2000 in there, you know, and I was a kid I left fuckin' a bag of Thai weed in a suit when I left the bender's house Years later, he was like, you left a bag of weed in there that stunk so fuckin' Can you imagine, you're broke, you go over to the fuckin' whatever places You buy a jacket, you put your hand in there as a fuckin' ounce of weed A Coke Rock, man, a thousand dollars, you're on your way

That guy, the liquor store, would've appreciated that the other day Which guy? The guy that came up to us the other day after the podcast Oh, fuck, there's people always coming up to you But it's so crazy how you go to fuckin' You know, I'm trying to send this shit to fuckin' Jersey I shoot over to the weed store, and from four to seven at Divine Wellness yesterday They had Anti Dolores, Anti Dolores is a brand

Like Bang Chocolate, it's a brand for Reefa for the hash Anti Dolores is another brand And they're not bad As a matter of fact, Ari eats a lot of Anti Dolores stuff in Hollywood They have regular little brownies, and then they have a brownie that's, I think 112 milligrams A brownie bite, and it fucks you up And then they have a cookie that tastes like, it tastes the worst edible I've ever eaten But it's like, it was rated the highest edible last year

By one of the magazines, and it's 300, I don't even fuckin' know I bought it for 20 bucks and tried to eat it on the plane And it tasted so fuckin' bad, I kept pressing that button Bang, bang, to get the stores to come over and give me like 19 fuckin' cans of soda and water I can't, I do the edibles with you sometimes, but Oh, you're gonna do one today, I'm shovin' a fuckin' lollipop done here Let's do it tomorrow, but I can't Tomorrow, tomorrow never comes, cocksucker

But I can't do the taste yet, I always have to have a drink with it I can't, that's why I want to try like the pills or something Cause I don't know what it is, but the weed tastes They got the pills, they got the little pills Do you like them? They're strong, they're little capsules, they look like a vitamin E pill Guys, like the ones you put a needle in and rub on your face Like that, so they have those

But I went over there, Anti Dolores was there She was givin' away free samples, dog She gave me some fuckin' caramel corn popcorn She gave me a fuckin' mint chocolate chip brownie You know, Weight Watches, when I go to Weight Watches meetings The best thing about Weight Watches is they have those low point chocolates Which are delicious, they're stuffed with that cancer sugar And uh, and uh, and uh, what the fuck was I saying?

I got eyes on it They gave you free samples They gave me, I'm still recovering from this Weight Watches, sorry Weight Watches, right, they give you these mint chocolate chips You buy the whole box, like two points a piece You're gonna eat the whole box when I'm at Weight Watches Of course

You eat the whole fuckin' box, they're delicious But, that tasted like that They had this popcorn leaf that was off the chain So I called Ari and I go, Ari, go to Divine Wellness Because from four to seven You could talk to the Anti Dolores girl She's givin' away free samples And they give me this and that

They gave me a bag of free fuckin' samples Like you know when you go to Costco And they give you the cups and shit Yeah So she gave me two cups of popcorn Two little mint things And I bought a 160 lollipop And a 200 milligram thing

So I inhaled a 200 milligram thing I inhaled a lollipop And I ate all the fuckin' free samples I love to spoil fuckin' Sons of Anarchy The problem is, I don't remember it You know what I'm saying? I'm surprised you're awake Oh no, no, I went to bed, I went out

You know what I mean, I wrote a few jokes I went over to the haha I worked out a little bit I walked under the quarter to 12 I came home, I had a fuckin' glass of juice After eating all that You still did everything for your name Like you're dealing with some novice

What the fuck do you think you're dealing with bro? 300 milligrams of T-H-C-A dick Are you sure you did that? I think you just sat on your couch and you dreamt it I swear to God, though You do me better than that You don't know fuckin' This is all at four

Four fifteen, four twenty, four thirty This all went down I was eating the popcorn You ate it all at once? Bro, you know me I ain't got time What am I, a fuckin' hermit? I'm gonna save a fuckin' little cookie for later

You know those people they save a thing They're all creepy and shit Like I got cookie for later Go give a fuck what do you got for later? I'm mad flavor Sons of antiques coming out at seven o'clock I am a fuckin' soldier You know what I'm sayin'?

I gotta do this shit, Lee Ain't no no time to fuck around I'm gonna write some comedy I wanna go out, I wanna get loose Sometimes you get too high You can't get loose Like the day after why I'm here That happens

I ain't gonna sit here and tell you That shit don't happen That happens We all have fuckin' accidents You know how many times Are you gonna go to church or somethin'? And there's a fuckin' bong You wanna do a bong hit

Just to loosen up before church You do that fuckin' bong hit And you don't finish it And you're sittin' around the room And you're like what am I A fuckin' half a faggot I gotta finish that bong hit You hit that fuckin' bong hit again

Then you go to church By the time you get to church You're like I'm pretty fucked up here I can't even go in You gotta walk after everybody else goes in You're tryin' to hide from the fuckin' kids Sometimes you get too high by mistake Last night I got a little fuckin' high by mistake

I don't even remember Sons of Antique I remember they cornered whatever They beat up Juicy That's it, I don't remember I blacked out I hung out with my wife I don't know what the fuck we talked about She started sleepin' by night

I was tryin' to write some jokes That's when I called Ju And we were talkin' about the board Here on the wall And we'll get to that And I called Ju When I called Ju, I was out I called Ju at 10.05

Yeah, you sounded fine Yeah, I'm a perfect lead Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Some fuckin' novice One of these kids with sandals On a backpack with a high time Statue on my chest Tryin' to fuckin' impress

These other momos Yeah And look at me I never bought high times in my life I'm the real fuckin' deal And you people, too Get it together You don't have to show people that you get high

You just bein' your fuckin' zone Nobody needs to know you got a beard And your little THC shirt Look at me, you fuckin' momo You know, you don't have to show Like they got pulled over by a cop yesterday They didn't Fuck yeah

For what? Doin' 90 On Burbank Boulevard I went around the fuckin' cop door On the right hand lane Edgar Gonzales One of my good buddies It was his birthday yesterday

I don't hear Burbank I was talkin' to one of these students on the phone And there's a line from here to Chicago Are you want me to sit there And just take it I popped into that right lane And as I'm goin' I'm like oh fuck there's the cop

He didn't see me Sure enough he's on my tail Sure enough he's on my fuckin' tail I pull over He pulls me over I put my hands out Well no, I don't have a weapon I don't want to get shot

By one of these fuckin' yahoo's You put your hands out? Sure, I always do So there's no misunderstanding I got no weapon on me Came over He goes what's the rush I go dog

I gotta go to fuckin' acupuncture You sit me You know You got me there On a pain on my list On this fuckin' line And he goes give me a license He looked at the license

He looked at the back of the car He looked at my face He looked at my eyes I go I got a doctor guy And he goes here You got an insurance I go yeah

I went for a reach He goes don't worry about it He goes I'm gonna give you a warning this time If he woulda pulled me over And I woulda had a swatch sticker On my forehead And the car woulda smelled Like reef and my eyes

Woulda been red And I woulda had a fuckin' problem But because You know what I'm sayin'? You gotta look to have presentable That's all I'm just tryin' to help you motherfuckers out When you leave your house

You put viscine in your fuckin' eyes You wash your hands You wash your face You don't wanna smell like fuckin' reefer You don't wanna get them The illusion You know I don't have reefer in my car When I leave the house

I don't bring reefer with me What the fuck am I goin' on these reefer What am I fuckin' goin' on a mission from Satan I'm goin' on a mission like What's the chick yesterday Ladies and gentlemen I gotta tell you something

The church We're gonna stop watchin' fuckin' the news Pretty soon I mean we're gonna have to stop watchin' the news What happened? It is becoming like TMZ Yeah that's all You know Hillary Clinton

Went to Israel yesterday That's all She went to Israel to talk to somebody Oh no no no no She's on a mission to Israel To put peace on my There's a two male dominoes They don't give a fuck

They'll pick up Hillary Clinton And shoot a skyrocket up a fuckin' asshole And launch her right back to wherever the fuck she lives To fuckin' Mississippi with her husband Whatever the fuck Are you fuckin' kidding me They put her on a mission Listen she ain't no fuckin' James Bond

She's gonna go over there With that ugly fuckin' horse face Did you see her That's why they got her in the back She had the ponytail with the head coming out What the fuck She's not on no mission to Israel To talk to them into peace

Are you fuckin' kidding me Those fuckin' Jews and those Desert people They've been goin' out into Two thousand fuckin' years Three thousand years Am I lying to you, Lee? No

And this broad is gonna go over there Let me tell you something You could send over fuckin' Jenny McCartney with an asshole stretched out With a ready to suck dick For fuckin' twenty years She can't stop the war over there And Gaza, whatever the fuck they are

You understand me You're gonna send that Halloween fuckin' project Clinton's wife to fuckin' over there To do what? Scare them They start throwing rocks at that fuckin' bitch You ain't stoppin' those motherfuckers for days You understand me

But they sent her on a mission James Bond goes on a mission Mexicans, when they go down to Mexico To get fifty pounds of cocaine That's a fuckin' mission You know what I'm sayin'? Oh shit I'm feelin' it today

I'm on fire like McDonald's asshole It's Thanksgiving tomorrow, people I'm fuckin' happy you guys are all gettin' together What are you laughing about, you fuck? I've never seen you get so worked up Over a mission Oh my god, because it's not a mission They just sent her over there

To talk to two people To make it look like the Obama administration Is doin' somethin' We all know a woman's not gonna fuckin' stop The war I got nothing against women I got nothin' I don't wanna get letters next week

Breast cancer They're gonna throw rocks at me and shit I don't need that shit What I'm tryin' to say is Hillary Clinton is not goin' over there To stop a fuckin' You know what I'm sayin'? You gotta go over there with an envelope

You wanna stop that war You gotta give those Sam people a couple of envelopes You gotta take those Jews and sit them down Give them some properties in fuckin' Long Island You know, give them a yarmulke Something You gotta give these people something But you're not gonna stop them

You wanna stop war You gotta give them a little heroin lookin' I don't wanna have this problem no more, alright? You fuckin' dozen people Get your shit together You gotta bring Hillary Clinton Over here to do what With that rotten fuckin' pussy

Anyway, I'm sorry about that today, people My little political thing I'm gettin' fired up I'm still gettin' flashbacks from that Anti-fuckin' whatever last night I got high last night, dawg I guess so, Jesus And you know what?

I'm gonna get fucked up today, too Cause I got nothin' I'm gonna go to the Y I gotta go to the haircut And I gotta go with my wife to the doctor That's it That's my fuckin' day But I will do something

With you guys And this is on the truth You know, Mike Dolce called here today And every time I talk to Mike Dolce I get more and more into this Cause I don't wanna let him down So we're all gonna fuckin' Get on the health and fitness wagon

We're all gonna send each other fuckin' twits And talk about what's goin' on in our lives You know, we all need some fuckin' improvement So do I I'm a fat fuck I walk everywhere from now on You know, when I moved up here I used to walk everywhere

And that little walking Was keepin' me alive It really was I believe it They say ten minutes a walk Ten minute walk Three times a day You're fuckin' it

Changes your life That's what fuckin' Harvard said That's the best part about living in a big city Like Boston or New York Or a place like that Well, then you can walk and get mugged No, not that you can get mugged But it's

I've noticed a difference out here That even when I've all been big my entire life But when I was there It was kinda kept at a minimum Cause I was walking ten, fifteen, twenty minutes every day Twice, three times a day to the train Or just

Oh, it's only a mile away I'm not gonna wait for a train I'll just walk there Get the fuck out of here It's a mile I'm gonna walk Last time you walked a mile You were a boy scout No, fuckin' Boston

And you walked up the hill And made the fuckin' head Stabbed in the neck Stabbed in the neck, you little cock So I'm gonna give a shout out today To my special fuckin' Thanksgiving people My main man Buffalo Frank Anthony Porrio

Geoffrey Jameezy David McPherson Justin Laplaw Hill I love you, cocksucker You and uh Oh, Justin's a cool guy Justin's a cool guy Slay brought

You're okay, cocksucker But I'm not puttin' on that album You wanted me to put on Dan Barrow, the author Trevor Barrows My man My favorite black dude Since, you know, Leroy

Neckbone Happy Thanksgiving to you Sexy black motherfucker And Forrest Sills Another sexy fuckin' white dude And don't forget, on it It's fuckin' hookin' us up now Again, you want to get healthy

You want to lose a little fuckin' weight Get the protein Hep power, hemp force protein You got like 92 grams of fiber in there So as soon as you're drinkin' You start shittin' blood You also got the protein in there 16 grams

If you're fuckin' depressed You're not in a good mood A little shroom tech And I got the new mood which I gave Lee You've been takin' it for three days How you feelin' Lee So far, it takes a couple days to get it No, I'm feelin' great

Really, you've been doin' jumpin', Jackson And then you want to put you on for sure is this Okay Cause this thing has been Helping the shit out of me Like I said, I've been walking more When you're heavy They tell you you gotta walk

You gotta move around But for two days you saw Your joints are hurtin' Your fuckin' asshole hurts Your legs hurt That's why Because this has the whole Glossamine

Tripped the fan The whole fuckin' deal I got all the chemicals in my head I can't remember them right now I ate a lollipop And many other things What you do is Go to Onnet

When you order this stuff And they have like mix and match packages Did you know that? No, I didn't see that So you get the protein You get that They have a bunch of different packages Just go, look

You're gonna make a fuckin' You're gonna start gettin' your notebook You're gonna write your goals You're gonna each lose 20, 30 pounds We'll do this shit together Me and Lee gonna start takin' pictures I'm gonna put pictures up Me wackin' off with a fuckin'

With a bandana The whole fuckin' thing And then I thought you could see The weight development You know what, I put on some weight But I've lost some weight I got on the scale, yes I acupuncture

And I actually lost two pounds I just thought I'm lifting some fuckin' weights I'm trying to get strong You know, I wanna live for my baby girl That's the last thing I wanna do You know, the other day I was petting my cats And I'm like, what would I fuckin' do Without these animals?

You know, but I did get What time you got, Lee? 6.25 Oh shit, we got a good guest today This guy contacted me after 26 years to say hello He was my roommate At the halfway house

His name is Alex Holy shit And we had this roommate That looked just like Ed Norton From the honeymoon He was a little older than us at the time We were 20-something This guy was 40

And one night we wanted him to leave He had the bottom bunk Okay He had a single room or bottom bunk So we were trying to get him to leave So our beds would go down So I loosened my mattress And I jumped on the bed

And we fell on top of him And then I took the pack of cigarettes that he had And I put those things in that make him explode No, you didn't Yes, I did Me and Alex packed them in So when the bed landed on him He gets up all upset

And he goes into the living room To light the cigarette It's dark and shit He lights the cigarette And you actually see the light Against the wall And he just sat there With the cigarette in his mouth

And the next day we got in And Jesus, Lee, you got to stop eating that pussy At those pubic hairs in your throat But last night, this is what did I was in here writing And I was trying to put together a testicle test And we're not doing it in November And they offered us December 19

And I was trying to put a testicle test And what I'm trying to do Is put them all five of them together And I was sitting about I was thinking about all this shit in my life That going to prison All the criminal shit I did And I'm looking at this thing

I forget what her name is I gave her some pictures last year I don't have a lot of pictures I don't have any pictures of my mother and father Or anything like that But I got pictures over the years From my friends From Carmine Balzano

And there's a picture of me As a kid dancing that everybody's seeing There's a picture of me With a hat on And I'm on Montauk at the time Carmine Balzano had a house In Montauk, Long Island And I slept over there one night

There's just a picture of me And I was pretty stoned last night And I got up and I was looking at the face I was looking at my face And I was like, boy I've been an ugly kid all my fucking life Right now I was looking at the face

And I'm thinking to myself I was 13 that picture That was before, you know Anything bad happened in my life But at that time I had lost Anthony Balzano But I'm talking about I hadn't lost my mother Or any of my friends

Dominic Special Or anything like that And I'm looking at that I'm like, what if I just woke up tomorrow, man And this never really happened What if I woke up tomorrow And I was still 13 And it was just a long dream

Like I forgot to put the air conditioner On that night and slept long Sometimes you fall asleep under the blanket You wake up and you're sweaty Like what if I woke up Because I was sweaty And the last 35 years It's just been a fucking dream

And I'm sitting there And I'm thinking about my wife I'm thinking about Lili leaving I go to get my cell phone There's no cell phone You know, there's no computer There's no Twitter There's no Facebook

What if What if Have you thought about this before Or have you just looked up Never in my life Have I thought about this And it was like And you wake up

And I think about my wife I think about my cats And I think about Joe Rogan And I think about Duncan And they were just a figment Of my fucking imagination, you know But I gotta make a call now But I also, on the other hand

I wake up and my mother's cooking breakfast So I don't lose my mother, you know I have my mother I was thinking about this last night What would I have chosen What would I do, you know If I woke up Or would I run downstairs and kiss her

And tell her about the terrible dream I had Or tell her about the fucking dream I had That I had a dream I was a stand-up comedian And I had a Jew friend That fucking flew through the air And had a wife and a cat You know, it's just been an amazing thing And it just blew my fucking mind last night

Lili, it really blew my fucking mind Like would I choose to go back to sleep Back to the dream Or would I choose to stay at my mother After all these years And I've always said that When you lose somebody that close in your life You move on

But it's like everything you eat It's like eating food with no salt on it When we made the documentary I talked about that, you know And I still feel like that today I've had great times If you get married and you don't have a mother You go to the wedding

It's a great wedding But my mom is missing I wanted to meet my wife, you know So it's been like that That's what I was just thinking about That's what I was freaking out about last night Yeah If I got anything from that fucking

That popcorn and Anthony Dolores I was writing and I went into that place And it really made me think about If this was all a fucking dream If this is all our lives It's a fucking dream, man I've thought about that before My life has been one billionth time

Easier than yours But I've thought about that And I wouldn't go through school again I've thought about that a lot Would I go through school again And do it any differently I would never go back and do that But you don't want to go back to college?

I mean even earlier Like high school or middle school Fucking I've thought about that a lot So when you called and talked to me about that I started thinking about it And like for me If I lost my mom

I would think, oh I would want to go back But then you've also had Fucking really hard times too So you'd get to see your mom But in all likelihood You wouldn't be able to save her Right?

Probably No, no, no She's alive She's fucking alive You're just thinking Oh, she's alive I wake up from my fucking dream But I don't have Terry

I don't have my cats I never met Joe Rogan I never did the longest yard I never did nothing I never went to prison I never knew the benders This was all a dream I used to read Word Up magazine

Throw some fucking tank crack Commandments on these motherfuckers Something Throw some music on them You're killing me All right Spend this shit You know what I'm saying

This is how you should have had this prepared Here we go Oh shit A little biggie from It's the 10 crack commandments What? Oh, I had a pair Oh shit

It's time for lollipop I got a motherfuckers Crack this weed in my hustler niggas This is last out You can watch 25-years-old, 23-years-old How the fuck do we make The next time you got nothing to do Listen to the sound

Two sides Oh shit That's a big motherfucking lollipop 120 milligrams A pure fucking mind-bending TAC What? For the audio listeners He took the entire thing and bit half of it off

Look at this lollipop It's butterscotch, but it's really green You know you're gonna have a bad day When you eat a fucking green lollipop Holy shit Fuckers Hemphor, go right there I'm lit right now

As you check out Press fucking church in the box And get a little discount for yourself A little email from Uncle Joey or something Oh, hey Let me see a dance, dude What? It's Wednesday, motherfuckers

Take the stick out of your ass Thanks, give them babies Get to see our family Hang out Smoke dope with grandpa What? What else are you talking about? Tell me something good

So they talk stuff and you're sitting there Like a momo in heat Fuck Like a momo in heat No, I just feel fucking I feel great It's important The whole family thing is important

I've been talking I'm going home in December And my mom is really excited I'm going home for a week And it's a When you say you wish You were thinking about the dream And if you could talk to your mom again

Just the holidays Make me think about family And especially being so far away I'm excited to go back What about your dad? You're going to see that fucking little cocksucker? Yeah, he's The excited, who loves you?

He's coming out for his 60th birthday In February When is his birthday? February 18 And mine's a 19 Or maybe he's a 19 No, it is the 18th 18th or 19th

I'm almost positive No, it's the 18th Get it together, Lee He's your father It's like some chick you met In the fucking bingo room You know that I knew the fucking date, asshole

It's the 18th Who do you like, c'mon, Lee? There's three fucking games I want you to think about That's what you should be thinking about Patriots I have to pick them Who are they playing?

The Jets? Who else? Dallas? Who else? Dallas And there's another game too Detroit and who else? Let me look

The Texans, I think Right? No, I don't think so Somebody crazy We're gonna have one lock for you tomorrow To make fucking Thanksgiving money And now, guess what? I'm gonna eat the other half

Who the fuck eats a THC 120 milligram Butterscotch lollipop for breakfast Someone who's crazy Not even Mike Dolce eats One of these fucking things He must be jumping up and down Pulling his ass out of his head Alright, let's see

Who is fucking playing? Houston in Detroit So you were right That's what I thought We were on the phone the other day And we're going over to Pixelm Sunday Okay It's all these people the truth

We're going over to Pixelm Sunday We're giggling about New England Like we usually do and whatever And I say to you, isn't this a bitch That they're already raping mother fuckers this weekend Yeah, people are about a bunch of upsets And I say they're not even waiting And I go on Thursday

On the back of my mind I just took a lucky guess I know there's two games on a Wednesday On a Thursday for Thanksgiving But I said these cocksuckers Are gonna add an extra college game Sure enough, I look at the thing Without even knowing

And there is three pro games And I said they're gonna be greedy And suck to the life out of you people So you poor motherfuckers They're gonna rape you people on Thursday And it's funny Because you would think That Houston's gonna beat Detroit

You would think that Dallas is gonna beat Washington And you would think New England's gonna beat the Jets Probably two of them are gonna be upsets But they always say Dallas on Thanksgiving Dallas and Detroit are usually the two Dallas always covers on Thanksgiving Oh, okay That's the word on the street, that's what

You know, it's like home team underdog on a Monday night Okay You know what I'm saying Get it together, Lee cocksucker You're supposed to know this shit You're supposed to be the flying you I'm learning from you I'm part of the church, too

I shouldn't be eating on camera stuff But the lollipop's been sitting there You know what I'm saying It's been sitting there staring me down Calling me out You've been called out by a fucking lollipop We're lucky you made it through 35 minutes Before you had it

I'm high as fuck already I was smoking a vapor tank You know, I don't care I only got a couple hours of sleep last night Just Yeah, if you got home at midnight or something Or you went to the hot hot midnight Something like that

When I went to the hot hot can I hung out I went up at 11 I got home like quarter to 12 I came home I talked to my wife for a couple minutes I fucking I don't want to smoke a dope or nothing I just wrote

I wanted to cover the jokes You know, it's really hard I mean Joe Rogan always talks about The writing process You don't focus on it Like sometimes I just don't focus on it I've been doing it for so long

I go out, write something, try it Get a thought Throw it away, not try it Lately because of the December 21st show And the fucking I want to take the special My man Lisa Yat Is one of the producers

Looking at them all happy I've been paying attention to it It's just a really weird Sometimes you write something You're high And you get excited about it And you go out and you say it And you bomb

It's like somebody took your lunchbox You know It's like I've bombed a thousand times When you work on a joke and it bombs And you go out and try it And it don't work Your fucking little fat heart Heart breaks, you know what I'm saying

So That must be a weird It always blows my mind Because I'd be scared first of all Just to be on stage But to write a joke for a crowd When you're sitting by yourself With headphones on

It doesn't really make sense Like I don't know I've always heard the term Writing on stage I don't know really what it means I know technically what it means But I can't imagine Like it doesn't

It doesn't seem like it would work Like sitting Like writing home doing homework And then going to stage Like it doesn't seem like it would mix But people do it So it obviously works But

There's a good combination And because you're sitting by yourself You're thinking about something But now when you're in front of the stage Like putting a gun to your fucking head Now you gotta think of something So it's really weird How differently you work

With a gun to your fucking head That's all it is When you work If you have a concept And you take it up there And you go on stage You have 200 people in the audience That's 400 eyeballs

You're in front of them I mean basically You'll come up with something, motherfucker Now is that Is that what you think The difference is between Not a regular person But a person who doesn't just stand up

And I stand up Cause everyone I mean For me I've been in my car Driving and oh I think this would be funny On stand up

But I'm not a stand up Do you think like the only difference is Like you Well there's more to being There's more than a funny joke Once you It's like when people come up to you And go

Hey I'm gonna try this joke on you I always say no Because I want you to try In front of me When you got a gun to your head On stage It's a lot different

When you say a joke When you read a joke on Twitter And when you say a joke On stage It's two different things The reason why it works for me Sometimes I say disgusting jokes And people say the jokes in my voice

So it makes it You follow what I'm saying to you You ever read something And very seldom do you read something It's that brilliant That it fucking cracks you up But I do I read a ton of shit

That makes me laugh But sometimes you read a joke That's very funny And it's funnier on stage You'll see He puts a fucking thing to it He blinks his eye You know

He's letting the audience know He's telling the joke It's like when you see Rodney in the old days Whenever he touched his tie That means he was saying a joke Really? Yeah Watch his fucking joke

You know It's so weird that Listen man I heard prior first And then I got into George Carlin for a while And then I saw Caddy Shack And my fucking head almost exploded Okay

When the first time you saw Caddy Shack You didn't know what the fuck happened That is one of my all time favorite movies And it's great because of Bill Murray And now they always have Have you ever seen the making of Caddy Shack On AMC? No

They have all When the fucking studios Had to send people down there Telling them to stop doing blow You know I mean these stories are just You know this is This is Harold Ramis

This is Harold Ramis This is what I tell you dog One of the best days of my life Was when I did analyze that Even if the movie sucked I wasn't in the movie Because I knew it was going to be an Academy Award I just wanted to be around Harold Ramis

I just wanted to touch him dog Because what he did to me For me as a kid He gave me fucking hope You know when I saw Caddy Shack I nearly fucking died guy And when I saw Rodney Dangerfield I nearly fucking died the first time

My head almost exploded I still remember Counting down the days I've only counted down the days to a few movies What's the one with Jody Foster And Hannibal Lecter Silence of the Lambs I went to that movie at five to one

That movie the first And there was no midnight movies in those days Had you read the book or what? Yeah There was no standing on There was no standing on line With a fucking wheelchair And dreaming about X-Men or something

This was I was waiting for this shit I had seen Manhunter Which is a Michael Mann movie I haven't even heard of that Manhunter is a movie that he made If you like the thief Remember we had the theater?

Same company, same director Manhunter, even kind of the same people Was the same casting It was the guy from CSI Okay My CSI Las Vegas William Peterson And now he's the cop

And the guy that played Hannibal Lecter Was Tiffany Had greasy hair on the way back Great movie, I got nothing against Then they remade the movie I forget what it's called But the first Manhunter Was the first thing that

Hannibal Lecter And then He came back with You know, they got Jody Foster I was fucking ready I woke up at eight in the morning that morning I knew I was going to see Sounds of the Lambs When I went to see Scarface

I didn't know about Scarface I got off a plane I was never prepped But one movie I was prepped for It was a movie called Easy Money That came out in the summer of 83 Or 84

Or whatever the fuck it came out of And I can't I never believed We took beers in that We took a bunch of fucking beers in that And I remember The first line of the movie And beers cracking

Like You could hear the fucking beers cracking Everybody was drinking beers And Rodney came on it You never seen Easy Money? Oh yeah, we watched it Rodney Joe Pesci And I watched that

My fucking head exploded Now where in that Has Rodney been out for a while And that came out? No No, no, no Rodney hadn't been out This was all

People were waiting People were waiting for Easy Money And also he pops up with this Joe Pesci And the girl that played In the other movie I liked She plays the daughter And the Mexican kid He's not Mexican

He's the Spanish kid I see it The comedy story was also In the movie with Bruce Willis About the football And all that shit When I saw that Easy Money The first time

Julio When I saw that movie I nearly fucking died And I remember being in the movie theater With a thousand other kids That were 22 And watching this old man Because at that time

He was 50 He just goes off on Easy Money And you know I became a fan of his And then when I wanted to Get into stand-up comedy You know I watched some of his tapes But the tape that really Sent me over the top

Was the Rodney Dangerfield Young comedian specials That I've always spoken about You've got Bill Hicks on there And you've got Andrew Dice Clay on there You've got Roseanne on there You know he was just such a good guy And then one day

You know I was on Sunset Boulevard And I'm waiting by the live factory And I'm looking around Like a fucking Momo And I'm thinking about How I need something to change In my life For me to get ahead in my life

That I was booking little movies and shit But I really wasn't getting a bite on it And the next thing you know I fucking call up I'm sitting there And I look up And the phone rings And my pager goes off

And I pull over And it's this casting director It's my agent He goes listen They want to see you For this Rodney Dangerfield movie It was just amazing I couldn't believe it

I was just sitting there going At this like going wow That would be amazing If I needed somebody to help me And it would be nice If Rodney helped me And here I'm going in For this fucking movie

And I go to the audition And he's right fucking there What movie is this? This is called Back by Midnight Okay It was almost like the Two, three last movies He was going to make

So the next thing you know No I read And the next thing they tell me Is that the part is giving away The role was giving away But they call back And they go no he doesn't care He's going to write a role for you

Come on down there And just do it That's amazing You going to call me brother? Yeah it's 9.40 It's 8.45 now It's 6.45 My time

So just give me a call brother Alright bro I'll be here Wait So And it's funny because we had For people who don't know We had kind of like Pilot sessions of the podcast

Like months ago Like when you would show me Like the Aerosmith albums And then the other thing you showed me Was that Rodney special And we were just sitting We watched like the whole thing And I was like standing behind you

And you had like tears in your eyes And it was just That was a great special It fucking changed me I mean it just You know he had He had You know Bill Hicks

He had Rodney Day He had Don Marrera He had Jerry Seinfeld He had Roseanne He had I mean he had all these people I mean the reason why I do comedy today Is because watching Lenny Clark

On those tapes And then again watching Fucking Andrew Dice Clay Follows Bill Hicks Which is fucking amazing You just sit there And you're blown the fuck away on how So that's how I learned to do comedy

So for me to be driving on Sunset one day And going wow I need somebody to touch my Touch me And also I'm going in on a Rodney movie And I go into this fucking audition And there he is in the room

I'm shitting my fucking pants All these comics that I've always seen I've never seen Rodney Danger Film person And I'm fucking sitting there And it's Rodney And also I go in the room I take his hand I'm not trying to be cute

I'm not trying to do nothing I'm just trying to be funny But in a contained way And I read and he laughs And everybody in the room laughs And I leave and they're like No you didn't get the movie But he puts you into this movie

He wants you to show up You didn't know about this movie No I never heard of this movie So every day the trailer is on YouTube It's called Back by Midnight So I would go in there every day And he would fucking They say go knock on Rodney's door

And I would walk over and knock on his door And he would open the door with a robon With his balls hanging out and shit Smoking a joint He was old and shit He would open up the door And go what you know What

And he'd go oh it's you Joey Come on in on Here we go Mi socio como está Como está Joey You know me brother This is my old old good good good friend Alex who uh

Alex how long I know you Papa Uh what about 20 years Yeah since BCTC and shit For you people don't know BCTC is the halfway house I ended up in After my little stint in Canyon City And uh

When you go in there They have seven man rooms And then after a while You graduate the three man rooms And Alex was one of my roommates With a guy that looked like Ed Norton right Yeah And we used to fucking torture him

It was funny that You know it was a halfway house Alex But it was like we were running it At the time Remember There were We had a Air conditioner in our room

And it didn't work So when I had Alex look out And I went downstairs And stole the air conditioner Out of the conference room And put it in our room And put our shitty air conditioner Into that thing

And they never even knew We used to order Chinese food in there We used to have a good time Alex what did you do for work When you were in there I was working at That freaking mail place man On meal data

That's right Neo data And everybody used to work there From BCTC right Everybody That was like a freaking That's where they They hired all these guys man

That was fucking crazy What do you remember the most Of that place man Um Shit Well It was supposed to be You know

It was supposed to be Like a rehabilitation center But We were doing the whole opposite And um But now man I guess I I think the first time

I saw you Joey was At Camp George West Were we together At Camp George West Yeah at Camp George West I was there on the mail Where I came back from beauty That's right

You were at a visit And I saw you They were cheering with you I think you're white You're having a visit And then You wound up there at BCTC That's where I was going

And um That's where we kind of hooked up You know It was crazy man Because I had a Alex I was going crazy

When I was there You know when you get out of prison Or whatever the fuck you call it You know you You tell yourself Are you not going to do this And you're not going to do that But you and I both know

The minute you hit that concrete bro That shit starts fucking haunting you I mean I think I got out on a Tuesday I was doing coke You know I couldn't take it no more And I remember that I got my girl from pregnant at the time And I had to

You know make money You know and I was selling cars Now I don't know remember we had Different levels You had to be like level three And you could stay out till midnight And uh They wouldn't p-test you

And all that shit You know I've told these guys The stories Alex About how I would do blow And I would know That they were going to pee me And I would take pool cleaner

And put it on my dick So when I pissed in the fucking office I would pull the skin back Were there any tricks That you tried to do Alex When you were fucking in there with me Um No

No You know what I got lucky one time Cause they uh Well yeah What I would do is that Cause I used to smoke weed And uh I had to remember

I used to run the hot water In the bathroom And start shadow boxing And just get my sling on you know And um Just I mean I just stay in there For a long time just Shadow boxing man

Just sweating And um And you know what I got chocolate You know what I mean And um But uh Do you remember

Do you remember that rubber guy? Which one? That tall skinny That tall skinny blond guy Ah man What was it? Hard men was it that thing? No I don't remember

When I was always scratching his ass I remember Bro my My thoughts of that fucking halfway house I feel bad Alex Because We were supposed to be rehabbing And we weren't even thinking of rehabbing

Like they always give you the shit on TV They always tell you how You go to a halfway house So you could They could it's your It's gateway into civilization There was no fucking gateway I mean I got there

And the first thing I did was Start getting my dick sucked By Patrice Twining Do you remember that filthy freak? Oh yeah She was a nasty cute little girl I remember fucking her right at rehab Like they used to

We used to have to go to rehab On the corner there And we'd be in the meetings And I'd look at it like wink at it And next thing you know We're out in the fucking parking lot And I'm fucking around the retreat Next to a squirrel

I didn't give a fuck about condoms I didn't give a fuck I was out there eating ass Like a soldier Alex Bro I remember being in there And being I remember being in a seven man room

And weighing blow Weighing cocaine In my halfway house room And I remember that the girl What was the skinny blonde That I caught fucking Adam And then she never messed with me again Judy is something

Judy was the black lady Remember Judy was the big thick black lady She was a counselor And then me and you both had Adam The Jewish kid Yeah oh Adam Birker Yeah Adam Birker And then there was a

A case worker yeah And then we also had the chick What was the blonde chick That was a hot little freak And I caught a fucking Adam What was her name? Tracy Tracy that's right

And how I got away with it Yeah the little white chick I seen her coming out of Adam's apartment I lived right down the block from Adam So one morning I was walking my dog And I seen her walking out of Adam's fucking condo dog Do you know that I ended up

Buying that condo from Adam Who did? I did Oh yeah The condo I had When I got married I bought from Adam My fucking counselor

Nobody knew You weren't I wasn't allowed to tell anybody Did you know that Alexander Ray? Yeah I didn't know that Well you know I got caught You know Gary's that old man Yeah Gary yeah yeah

I bought Yeah I bought a 79 Grenada from him That's 100 bucks You bought a what? I got caught What'd you buy? A car A 79 Grenada

Yellow And they caught you? They caught me man You know You know what he gave me He's like hey you want to buy a car And I'm like What do you got man

And he goes come on And we walked And he had this whole Beetle car man That's all 79 And I said how much you want He goes $100 I said alright

So he gave me a little bill of sale And I put it in my wallet Well I came into the halfway house And you know how they put it All yourself You know ampere pockets And others and that And ampere my wallet man

And I pulled out my wallet And they went through it And they found that bill of sale And I got ridden up And I was like Man And that's when That's when everything started

Happening with Gary Poor guy But he hated it Bro me and Alex Shared a room with Gary And I called him Norton Because he looked just like Art Carney

And our plan was Me and Alex used to like The party and the fun Like the party and the fucking room But we couldn't party with Gary in the room Because he didn't party And at this time

Alex I remember Getting like a half ounce of coke Working on 140 And selling cars And driving home at 12 o'clock And pulling up to the back With the car because it had Permission to drive

And I remember looking up At the back of the building And seeing 40 fucking people Jumping up and down It was fucking I can't even describe this Like I was bringing Blowing on a Friday night

And these people were going Crazy Half of them weren't allowed Out because they hadn't paid Their rent I mean there was a thousand Stories I don't even know how

I'd sneak the blow Into the fucking building Alex I have no idea I would have a suit on They wouldn't piss test me But the particular night that I'd never forget about you

Was the night I left With like an ounce of coke And on the way home from The cars dealer I went to a strip club Where they didn't serve Serve alcohol You know what I'm talking about?

They haven't been Thornton and shit like that They don't serve alcohol So the women are completely naked Yeah, yeah Alex I went into one of those With a half ounce of coke

Because I don't even know I was bored I had to kill time till midnight Because I didn't want to Come home before midnight Because that was the curfew At the halfway house So I went to this strip club

And I'm in there And I see this Korean girl That was a fucking 12 And I was clean and sober I was getting married And next thing you know Alex, I started doing coke With the girl

That's how bad to the bone The girl was I started doing coke with her And she asked me for a Private dance And I take her back Then I'm giving her coke rocks And I've got my hand

In a little fucking pussy Alex And she's driving me crazy And I got this girl Looking at her And I got like What can I give you to fuck you And she said nothing

I can't fuck you I can't even suck your dick Alex, I was furious I remember doing An eight ball On the way home in the car And whacking off on the 36 Almost killing myself

While I'm fucking whacking off On the 36 Coming home And I remember getting home And that's the night that Who was the kid upstairs That used to shave And make believe

He was doing blow But he was sweating So to hide He would put a towel around his neck And shave And he would cut his face There was a guy upstairs I mean, I had the whole

Fucking building wired But I remember that We stayed up I remember we stayed up And did blow in the halfway house Like five in the fucking morning Didn't we even sneak booze in there? Could you

Oh, the works, man Acid We used to do The stew drivers The alcohol Yeah, in the fucking halfway house, guys In the halfway house Later today

They did the They did the count And that's when the party started Man, this ain't a pink Floyd And just getting stooped I said Bro, I had like I was sleeping with like

Three or four girls In the halfway house I remember I used to have the gym Real close to the halfway house I rented a garage on 18th street I paid 35 bucks a month I had a bag in there A bench, a radio

And rolling papers I used to take them over there And fuck them on the bench And then just make them Walk back to the halfway house I'd work out Fucking craziness These stories, Alex

I can't even tell I'm so happy, Alex That you had a hold of me, bro Bro to fuck I was driving And I seen the email And I hit them right up I just pressed the number

On the fucking email I love this kid When he called You know It was just great To talk to you from that time In my life But then

It was the night That we put the fucking I used to go to I used to work in Westminster Right, 104 Is that Westminster, Alex? Yeah 140th and Thornton there

And I used to go to the mall Used to be the Westminster mall And they had a gag shop And I went damn in And I see those things That you put in people's cigarettes And you light up And the cigarette explodes

So I take it back To the halfway house And our roommate Gary Was driving me crazy Because we couldn't Wait a coke in the room I had a scale up In the ceiling, didn't I?

In one of the fucking units I had a scale in the fucking ceiling Like a triple beam scale And here I am Waiting this fucking coke And we couldn't wait In front of Grant Gary So I figured if we

Torment him He'd leave the fucking room You know He'd leave the room He'd go downstairs And say I don't want to be In the room no more So one night me and Alex

Got his cigarettes And we kept putting fucking Those things in his cigarettes Now you're supposed to put One thing in there We were putting like Three in each fucking cigarette So I don't know if you remember

Alex Now that he had the single bed And me and you were in the double bed Like the top bunk and bottom bunk He had the single bunk He had the single bunk But we did something to him Like I farted

Or did something To make him leave the room That's what I couldn't remember We kept talking And just aggravating him And he said You know He went up to the living room

And you know Didn't turn on the lights Or anything He just went up to the living room And you and I He was going to have it And it looked like Three in one or three

Bro when he lit that cigarette When he lit that cigarette Alex is my proof The room was dark There was no lighting But when he lit the cigarette You just heard boom And you've seen this

This This You so He burned his mouth He burned his mouth It was a fucking classic Because you saw the explosion In the shadow

Like you saw the light Like something went off And I remember going in the living room And he's sitting there With the cigarette in his mouth And the cigarette exploded all over him He didn't even move Alex We just

We started We fucking laughed our asses off And the next day Bro the next day And we got back And he went back to a seven-man room Which has never been happening In the history of the BCTC

Like you don't go from a three-man room Back to a seven-man room You go for a seven-man room Hey you remember Well I had a roommate there too Bob I don't even remember Bob the biker Yes I remember Bob

He used to shit in a bag and stuff Yeah yeah man When one night I was sleeping And then Man it just That room started stinking bad man And I was like turning on lights

What the hell's going on man And then you know He was acting all nervous And I'm like Damn man There's something bad in here You know it He goes hey Alex man

I want to talk to you man I said What the hell is going on here And he goes I got a colostomy diagnosis Well why And he showed me He goes you know

It fills up with air with gas You know he goes I can't far-grid like a normal person And he goes You know I gotta air it out Oh my god dude Tricked me and asked people Just lost who it was man

I kicked him for a while man He said yeah he spilled on my asshole I got a fart through the bag Bro there was some fucking characters In that place In that halfway house I remember the tall dude just saying That would always scratch his ass

There was a There was a dude You know I used to lend money out Alex there You know that like a rent was 75 a week And you had to pay the rent on Thursday But most people didn't get paid till Friday I would lend people 75 bucks And they would pay me back like

85 or 89 or 102 I forget what the number was Did you know I was loan sharking in there One time to some of those invicts And we would pay for food To give us those fucking canned foods And Yeah I remember they used to give that

Food out at that pantry That old cowboy guy Yeah He was a short guy He used to give that frozen Frozen crab What about Terry Do you remember Terry?

He used to be all in love with Patrice Which one was Terry? I have a big white boy No no no He's the one that Fricking his papa stuff And I threw his sneakers out one time In the window

We almost got into it man We pulled out knives and everything Because He would rapidly come in And he would lay down and wrap his feet with a sheet And his freaking feet spanked So bad dude And one day I just couldn't take it

And I just stricken through his sneakers out the window And He's another one that left the room Because I mean he was nasty man I mean we got ridden up That room got ridden up because There was a freaking He pulled out a knife on me

And it was almost on me I mean Stupid man I'm just The drama in that place was Can't believe it man I don't even think about it I'm sorry what were you saying? I was just saying

I've been by it a couple of times And it's still the same dude They haven't renovated that place Nothing It's still the same thing That building And I just kind of Put it in the back of my mind

You know Good times bad times And I mean that place was crooked Everything was crooked The case workers there everybody They were freaking there while on the pick Oh it was terrible

It was just like a I don't even know how to fucking describe it But I knew I didn't want to go back there And then I tested positive And they put me back in there For three months and I sat in there From November Till February 2nd

Of 1990 and the next day My daughter was born February 3rd 1990 So they put me back in there bro What happened? You got a good memory man Yeah this is all you got I remember the fucking dates bro

I was out of that man I couldn't stand being in it You know what was the worst thing about it For you Alex? Just I know when I first got there Dude I had this Case manager man

Short freaking guy with a mustache dude And First thing he told me he goes I go in there and I say my name's Alex And I'm here with you and I just came back from I just came out of DOC And he goes I know your account And I said what?

He said you come over here and try to fool people With your attitude And you just called me I mean just what the hell I remember this guy man He's keeping an eye on you all You know and I don't know man I just simple fact that

People tell me what to do all the time man You know People micromanaging your life You know And I tell people all the time There's nothing worse in the world Than being a man And somebody telling you what to fuck to do

You know Yeah and it's real how people think Prison is A bad experience where you're at I don't even think of that The worst thing for me was having a man Come into your room and turn on your fucking lights And tell you when you have to eat

And when you have to wake up and how they kick your fucking bunk And how when you're in prison You try to take your manhood from me I mean guys like you and me We could survive anywhere Alex I'll throw down to the fucking end I don't give a fuck We could survive anywhere

That's not the point The point is What comes along with it How those guards act towards you How they threaten your manhood every day And that's something that you don't Usually get threatened that much You know they try to break you down

I read that email about you I mean last time I saw you You were out, we were both out Correct? Last time I saw you were both out You were helping me See a friend of yours and stuff like that I mean my life was a fucking If these people only knew who I do the podcast for

What my life was at That was when Oklahoma City, when they bombed Oklahoma City That's how long I haven't seen Alex From 94-95 And I used to deliver Chinese food Do comedy and sell coke While I was delivering Chinese food So think about that people

When you're home thinking about how hard your life is My dream Was so in my face I wanted to do comedy so bad But for me to do this I had to get a car I had to do all these things I used to deliver Chinese food and sell coke While I was delivering Chinese food

And my cocaine problem Was out of its fucking world I mean I'm not gonna lie to nobody and tell you I was selling it for money But that's the last time I saw you Alex was in 95 Yeah, 95 And I always thought about you

You were always a solid fucking dude Man, like you were just solid Like if you had a piece of bread And I needed it, we'd split it We both have a piece of bread So I never forgot about you Alex I'll tell you right to your face I never forgot about you man

Yeah, I needed it My wife, my kids But I would always talk about you I mean I'm a joey You know, you're funny about the best thing I've ever happened man, you know Up here, you know You know, I mean yeah

We have good times and stuff We also have some kind of fucking times there too But You know, it wasn't my meal camera It all happened So all these years No, I'm happy that you hit me on the email

And that you're still doing your thing And that your daughter's graduating And we all turn our lives around man And I know a lot of people listen to this out Huh? Totally, totally different Totally different Different, I've looked at life man

My only goal in life is to raise my kids right She might go to college Like I said, my daughter's graduating next month From CU and then she's gonna go to her PhD And My boys are excellent kids Man, I never had any issues with My daughter as far as you know

I was saying, oh, I want to have a daughter You know, you gotta watch out for the fact Never, never, this girl's straight age Just good But you know, I don't pull my punches In my kids man, I let them know What I've been through And you know, I'm a living example for them

You know, what happens When you take the wrong road And make those decisions What it leads to, you know And you know, I've been with my wife Like actually 23 years And I owe everything to her man Because she's stuck with me

And I love her And like I said, I thank God Firstly You know, like I said Before I was going to the train I thought about my own house man We're real stable Got a good job

And you know, just keep on going forward Well, here we are 20 years later brother I'm happy that you called I'll keep in touch I'll call you in a little while and we'll talk some more Hey Joey, I got a Facebook account You got a what?

Yeah, you're still on Facebook account Okay, you got a Facebook account Beautiful, but I'll call you and we'll get all that I don't want to have these motherfuckers calling you on Facebook And asking you creepy questions and shit You know what I'm saying? Take care of me man, I'm sorry I love you to all my heart

Yeah, I miss you Joey Thank you for emailing me and making my week man And happy Thanksgiving to you But I'll call you in a little while man Thank you Alex, I love you I love you Have a good day Yeah, that was

That was a fucked up email I love that kid when I was inside You know, when you're in there You really have nobody to watch your back And he watched my back He's chatted up, he looks like one of the guys in American Me And I always loved him and I always wondered

When somebody was going to contact me For me the prison or the halfway house How did he say he got your information? He said that he saw me on the Jamie Kennedy show Like ten years ago Kept watching me and watching me And then finally he asked his daughter To go online and see if there's a way to contact me

So He contacted me three days ago And I mean I was in a weird fucking place And I was hanging with this kid I was in a weird fucking place I was a different animal It's hard to believe and that halfway house was crooked

It was a scam It was a social scam they were doing They were saying that they were rehabilitating us They didn't give a fuck They were just taking our money They were buying an apartment building And put seven people in a condo Two bedroom condo

One bedroom condo Three guys in one room And four in the fucking living room with a TV And they would charge you 300 a month So that's 2100 For the apartment right there And the apartment was really worth like 650 Yeah

So they had 30 or 40 units doing that shit And then they probably got money from the government for doing it And they got money from the government And then to top it off they got They sold us food So they gave you five TV dinners They gave you five orange juices Cereal

Milk Artificial cold cuts And they charged you 75 fucking dollars a week And you had to pay for that So it cost you 300 a month for rent And then another 300 a month For groceries Which I gave mine away because I didn't eat that shit

You could only have 40 dollars in your pocket At each time And I mean it was just It was like communist You did it and while you're doing it But this is our correctional facilities Yeah I was going to ask you guys I didn't want to interrupt at the end because it was

It was really a great statement But do you think it helped at all? Like a jail Or a halfway house The jail helped The jail helped You need to take a little breather And look at what you did

And look at how you're going to choose And pick the rest of your life Jail does help if you get involved If you join the programs Don't get me wrong It's like you wake up and you join the fucking army That there's 30 million fucking programs There's no programs

But there's AA, there's NA There's treatment centers There's group treatments And half of them are fucking jokes But you're giving an effort You're putting your head there I did everything I could I had nothing to lose

I'm in there, I gotta kill time For an hour, I might as well do it And even though it took 10, 15 years From when you left jail To when you're clean And now all you do is steal a lighter That was the beginning of you changing

Rehabilitation is all up to you They don't rehabilitate nothing You're the one that decides When this part of your life ends Or if it continues Always remember that Just because you do four years of time Doesn't mean all they're doing

Is putting you in a fucking warehouse The rest is up to you Your whole life bro I did blow Throughout my whole fucking 30s There wasn't a sober time In my 30s I didn't stop doing blow till I was 44 years old

I wish I would have stopped at fucking 30 Some people They see the fucking light at 20 Other people like me that was a loser I didn't see the light till 44 That's when I decided this had to come to an end For Ray Charles He didn't stop doing heroin till he was 64

So I got him beat I quit 20 years before fucking Ray Charles You follow me So this is how you have to look at Rehabilitation or any of that Things starts when you get sick and tired of fucking doing When you want your life When you just go fuck it

I don't want to be a regular motherfucker no more I don't want to be on probation no more I don't want to go to court no more That's when you see it If you think that you're going to jail and get rehabilitated That's a scam the American fucking public believes There's no rehabilitation That's why these guys go to jail and come right back out

Rehabilitation starts with you bro That's why I asked you Yeah no no no it starts with you I'd love to tell you that you go in there And that you're healed One day you go how much longer can they kick me in the Fucking ass for What do I need to do to change this

How many fucking dicks or pussies The fucking suck to see the light And it's all and one day you just stop And there your life is There's your fucking life I have a friend that won't get off the fucking booze She knows You know every like I've said

All the answers to our lives We have in our head we just don't want to acknowledge them You're 500 fucking pounds You got to push yourself away from the fucking table We know this we fucking know this Everything else don't fucking help you can do this That this jump or I'm going to drink The vinegar because it makes Madonna lose weight

Nothing nothing's going to help you Anyway we were talking about inspirations Before you know when I give you guys Movies or music You know like Constantine the other day about King of New York I like movies that inspire me I like people that fucking inspire me

You know a lot of people don't know about Rodney Dangerfield that he was a struggle comic for years And one day he was forced To go back and work And he went and he sold aluminum siding And throughout that thing he would write He would fucking write every night Because he had a dream about being a comedian

And I don't know the exact story You got to go on biography on AMC Or read the fucking book And then one day he got a shot again And Johnny Carson put on a tonight show And people couldn't believe this breath of fresh air Because he had so much material written That every time he did a performance

It was a complete different set So people would flaw this So you know the Howard Ramis talks about This role coming up in Caddyshack and how They wanted Don Rickles And ta ta ta ta ta na na na na na na na They want motherfucking

Rodney Dangerfield And that they got Rodney Dangerfield And that the first day of shooting They did the scene and nobody laughed And after the scene they said Cut a couple people giggled and he went right up to Harold Ramis and he goes I want out And he goes why? He goes because nobody's fucking laughing

And he goes no This is a movie stupid hit him Hit him with the first scene from Caddyshack I hope you guys have all watched Caddyshack Go brother Ah God damn I haven't seen that for

I think it was over my head my first thought Hey sweetie do you live alone? I got tears in my eyes Because after fucking 50 years I'm still inspired by that But Rodney is one of my biggest idols Now Before he comes out with a movie called

Easy Money with Joe Pesci Guys nobody knows this fucking movie exists This movie Is a fucking masterpiece Is it a comedic masterpiece Like young Frankenstein or one of those movies No no it's not like that But you just see

You know we all grew up in Jersey And if you watch this movie It's about a guy who smokes dope He fucking hates his mother-in-law You know and Joe Pesci is his best friend And he is one of the most brilliant scenes I have ever seen in a movie If you don't go watch Easy Money

Easy Money His mother-in-law face her death And if Rodney Can get his life in order Over the next 60 days Or whatever loses 50 pounds And stops smoking, drinking, gambling He gets the fortune

And You know he's not sure of himself He's very insecure like we all thought Fuck it I'm just like he party And he goes to the park with Joe Pesci And I want you to listen to that conversation But I also want you to listen To what's going on in the background

Hit it Lee You know why I'm going through this whole thing For my kids that's why That's the greatest love in the world You can't beat it alright That's why you do things for your kids That's love with your kid See what I mean? See that man over there with his kid

That's love, you know what I mean? Look where he loves the kid That's love baby Look at that What's going on? I'm sitting here Minding my business he jumped on my lap Alright everybody calm down Do you have some identification sir?

Send my other raincoat That Is the most brilliant comedy Because it's not focusing It's It's not focusing It's still focusing on Rodney and Joe Pesci But that's going on the third party

So do you understand When I fucking goof on these movies I don't want you to people think that Joey's an asshole He just goofs on my movies No, because you're watching fucking junk This is brilliant That was thought out The camera is on Rodney and Joe Pesci

This is 40 yards away It's like the worst shot in movie history If you did that at a film school They'd funk you out I'm sitting at a picnic bench And if you look All the way down the picnic bench You can't even see the guy

It's a black ball And you can't even see the guy bouncing But they're just talking about it It's just a beautiful fucking scene When I tell you Joe These movies I'm not busting your balls guys And that hangover tube Blows

There's nothing going to happen with it You're not going to look at your grandkids You're going to watch hangover too But you will show them young fucking Frankenstein And it's comic brunch You will show them a lot of these movies Easy money I don't know how many people have come over here

And put easy money on them And they're like Joey What the fuck is this shit you're talking about So today We're going to do a fucking Rodney Dangerfield festival Do Caddy Shack And do easy money And show your kids

There's a scene in easy money This is how the movie starts And I wish I could play it for you But I couldn't and I can't do it with you Because he's taking pictures of kids At a kids party And the two kids get into a fight The little girl and her boyfriend

They're five So he comes over and he goes He's five He pees in his pants And the little girl's a cute little adorable girl This is how the movie starts And also Rodney goes hey what are you depressed about He takes out a puppy

And his puppy's name is Bobby Bunny And he goes hey here's Bobby Bunny The kids all start yelling And right there three joints fall out of the glove And the little kid picks up the joint And he goes watch that And he goes Bobby Bunny dropped a couple carrots Right to how the movie starts

And the fucking movie And you're gonna come to me with your fucking bullshit Comedies that are going on today Go fuck yourself And you hit him with your little ten cracker mammoths Oh should I turn that off? Alright fuck it then you're not gonna hit him with a ten cracker mammoths What are you doing to me Lisa?

I have orange juice stones waiting for you I'm fucking high that lollipop I'm sorry my memories going Anyway listen We're gonna get the fuck out of here Today was a kind of weird little fucking energy Did we do the same? Or were we okay today? I thought it was good I mean I moved all over the place

But the fucking Alex the phone calls Just from cause I don't really talk on them The phone calls are great just hearing the people Like I can't even imagine Cutting blow And like weighing blow In a halfway house And I was doing it on a magazine so when you fold it

Sometimes it ricochets out So I went to fold the blow and then it ricochets everywhere And that lady Tracy came in To do an inspection And there's blow all over the carpet And she looks and she goes What is this? And we go the ceiling And she looks down

And she goes okay clean it up We're on our hands and knees eating it I'm fucking eating it My mouth was numb for a fucking week B-C-T-C Boulder County Treatment Center That's what the beauty of life is Listen I know it's Thanksgiving tomorrow

Myself and Lee are gonna hook up At 9 o'clock Pacific 12 o'clock Eastern Jersey time To do a special one hour Podcast is a family podcast I'm gonna have a couple of my family members call in I'm thinking of having Ralphie May call in A couple people just call in

And fuck around tomorrow Cause Ralphie's having Thanksgiving at his house Tomorrow's the time of year man Where you get thanks You sit around, you look at your family Who's ever there, who's never not there You look around, you go fuck this is it And now we got the holidays

I want to thank you guys for the years we had Together from the CD To the documentary, to the fucking Testicle Testaments To coming to the show Putting this up for Beauty and the Beast You guys have made my year And Lee

Lee would just be a fucking lonely other Now he's the flying Jew He's got women fighting in his fucking face We could have never done this without you guys I mean from the bottom of my heart You know how I feel You know my sincerity for you motherfuckers You know I love what you guys do for me

And I love that you listen to the podcast And support us My next big date is I'm not going to Austin with Joe Because I gotta go to New York and shoot the sci-fi thing But my next big date Is December 13th at San Diego At Madhouse Comedy

And then I'm doing the end of the world Motherfucking show with him on the 21st of December Oh sure He's coming down He's going to be meeting some bitches down there Like I said I gave a shout out to everybody today From Buffalo Frank to my MB Leaf girl

The one that's taking you to the fucking game She's watching right now You sexy motherfucking blonde you I think I can't wait, it's going to be awesome Her and her husband And you're going to double date And thank you for the great year You've given us podcasts, people and everything

Twitter, Facebook And I want you guys to hear it Who shot that duck It ricocheted right off the chair Right into the back of my thigh I'm going to have a little whitehead there for a couple seconds Beside that I love you motherfuckers Thank you very much

What are you giggling about? You haven't even smelt the fire I'm going to hold you in this hot box With this candle and you're going to smell the hope of Toa The muffler That's because I love you Lee You're going to come over tomorrow Thank you for that And thank you for this whole year

I told you I wouldn't be here if it wasn't For doing all this stuff After that job was over I wouldn't have been here Thank you very much You're a top notch producer and a great flying jew And let me tell you something else before we wrap up I don't know what the fuck is going on

With some of you people reading What we do here differently I know that Lee some people have been attacking him I don't know if you motherfuckers know who Lee Syad is We don't like to flex our muscles over here At the church of what's happening now But it's time we flexed our fucking muscles And let you know

The real reason how I got hooked up with Lee Was I got a call from some fucking jews I know from New York and asked me if I knew anybody In the film business that could help out their nephew Or their great uncle or whatever the fuck this kid is Lee I was never going to put this out there Lee's fucking bloodline Go directly to Israel you understand me

If you see Lee's fucking family There's a bunch of fucking Those dark skinned jews throwing rocks Number two the other dark family Landies got to a man named Maya Lansky I don't know if you motherfuckers want to piss him off Or me off I'm associated with Maya Lansky And so with fucking Lee

Do not fuck with Lee Syad I don't do it I don't advise you motherfuckers to do it Because you will wake up in a jewish fucking body bag You understand me So keep it up fucking with Lee You guys mess with Lee You put your life into your own hands He's never even mentioned this to you guys

He's never even flicked his muscles This guy's bloodlines go direct to Maya Lansky And all those blue-eyed motherfucking jews Over there killing people So if you want to continue fucking saying Israeli jokes He warned you guys on Facebook And he warned you again on the podcast The rest is up to you

Don't come crying at me when you're missing a fucking arm And you got a yarmulke on your fucking head Stapled on you understand me Those jews will staple fucking yarmulkes To your head when you disrespect them You ever have a yarmulke a staple to your fucking head? I don't think so So don't fuck with Lee

I'm sorry I had to flex my muscles and tell him about your family But it's time You fuck with Lee you fuck with Maya Lansky And you know what you're all gonna get beaten It's not me I don't mess with Lee You don't see me messing with Lee I got a call the other day Not to get a big heavy black chick to fart in his face

Because the grandmother finds out and might throw him out of the will But besides that I don't bother Lee You'll wake up in the pacific ocean With a fucking thousand fucking What do you call those The candles that they hold the jews The condolabras

Minora Stuck in your fucking throat Don't come crying at me when you got 18 Candle holes in your throat Alright I love Lee Syed He's with the Lanskis And I've said hit it Lee A little orange juice joints to get these motherfuckers going

Testicle test them and sell on sale What's the name of the album It's either you or the priest It's still on iTunes everything's still there Big thank you to Onit Big big thank you to Onit And don't forget the 31st of December starting Everybody has their

Needs and everybody's gonna set their little goals Our goal together as a church What's happening now is to be a little fucking healthier You know try the hemp force protein Fucking the best protein I've ever had Little strong bones This combination you know there's a money back guarantee Go there see what purchases you can make

If you're over fucking 250 pounds And you want to start running and doing the doce die And all those things that come with it Get the strong bone I'm telling you bro I've been walking lately I got no fucking pains I could jump up and down like Baryshnikov What's the ballerina I love you guys

Listen if you don't tap in tomorrow Happy Thanksgiving do me a favor Tap in tomorrow I want to get fucking 90,000 People watching stickum.com I want to give a happy Thanksgiving to the stickum family The Andy and the little fucking dude And what's his name Efren

Efren that bad motherfucking Spanish dude And to my girl over there And to everybody who support us and give us love Happy Thanksgiving we'll see you tomorrow 9 a.m. Stay motherfucking black Hit him Lee with some music there Oh shit Listen to this shit

Just drops knowledge on this bitch Yeah I stuck it up for every piece of jewelry I ever bought you Yeah that's right everything Everything Get fly with you Nah don't go looking in that closet Cause you ain't got nothing in everything you came here with

It's packed up and waiting for your new guest room That's right What was you thinking about Who you trying to prove Huh? Who's with the juice I gave you silk suits Gucci handbags, blue diamonds I gave you things that couldn't even pronounce

Now I can't give you nothing but advice Cause you still young That's right you still young I hope you learn a valuable lesson from all this You know I'm gonna find somebody like me one of these days Until then know what you gotta do You gotta get on out of here with that out of cat cold wind

Hush puppet shoo and crump cake I saw you with Cause you dismissed That's right