Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 11/26/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #33

Episode Date: November 28, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about Joey's marriage and his recent anniversary, working out, Jiu Jitsu and the Charles Bronson movie Hard TImes. Einstein from 10th Planet West LA calls in and gives Joey and Lee work out advice. The podcast is sponsored by Onnit.com, use the code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 11/26/2012

oh shit Monday November 27 what is it 26 2012 we got about 25 more days in the minds are gonna be fucking listening to me as that's just how it works the church of what's happening now Joey Diaz my main man the flying Jew Lisa yeah I don't a beautiful fucking Monday morning hit it we play that music or somebody oh shit sing it Lee come on baby you fucking know Cox I don't know the words yet I know the first line this is a beautiful fucking jam huh nice and slow and a Monday just to get the week going right same wake up fucking wake up I can't black Sabbath or something but this is nice and light because it's

Monday don't you know whatever the fuck you want on Monday start all over again start with your little diet I ate like a motherfucker this weekend dog I really did oh everyone did yeah fuck the Dolce diet parvo I didn't know I didn't eat bad I can't lie to you you know what man ever since I went on weight watch as I watch little things I watch little things you know if you just don't drink fucking a can of coke that's six points a can you know I used to drink 10 cans of fucking day that's really all I was hooked on coke and more ways than one jack soda powder that was my main thing a soda my mother had a ball when I was a

kid so you know when I go in I drink all these fucking sodas and shit I wasn't into booze and that shit stuck with me and finally when I got out of my fucking life I'm it was a little too late I was a fat fuck I'm still a fat fuck but still I can't I can't be drinking soda so I still cut back on little things I took my wife out for anniversary last night so weird that when I moved in with Terry I had three pair pants maybe five t-shirts a couple pairs of socks with holes in them we lived in a one bedroom I'm the first one of the first movies I booked I booked like a movie with Chaz Palm and Terry that was one day I was

getting like 850 for the day and to celebrate we went to a sizzler on LeBrayer we shit blood for about a week a piece but that was our big celebration you know and last night took it to my wife I for a while that would go on the road with Joe and those guys and we go eat a nice restaurant I tell my wife let's go eat there and my wife would come home and you know what the food was great but it wasn't worth the three bills or whatever so I stopped taking with a Fogo I'm like Fogo was too much meat she likes the other place Lowry's where they have the the prime rib and they come with all this stuff and

I like I'm a big Benihana type of motherfucker even though there's no Japanese people left in Benihana even though they go to Benihana there's one jab at the front and that's everybody else's Mexican throne fucking knives with Scotch tape on their eyes you know I'm saying it's a fucking nightmare but it's alright they do they got a little Scotch tape on the bottom you don't think you fucking see it cuz they put on makeup I fucking see everything cocksuck I I used to see the string and Superman who the fuck you think you're dealing with some novices shit I love Benihana but last night we're talking and

friends of ours went to Ruth Chris and Pasadena he was saying that he likes Ruth Chris because they they cooked the steak and the butter they bake it in the butter right in the fucking oven yeah so it was funny because yesterday for lunch we went to we ate you know regular breakfast like I usually have my rice checks and a protein shake or something like that an apple but we ended up having breakfast yesterday we went to Salsons chips you're gonna fucking Salsons chip bro what's that it's a Mexican thing they have one here in Lancashire in the hell neighborhood they got another one in some other hell neighborhood they got

another one in Asheville North Carolina that's how cool that Nashville is the home of Duncan Trussell bitches and the vapor pen Eureka and I went in and got the cream chicken enchiladas for the lunch menu now I used to go to a place in Houston Texas called Chewy's for motherfuckers we don't know about food that they always talk about San Francisco and New York let me tell you something my friend Texas will blow your fucking wig off primarily Houston Houston will blow your fucking wig off but they got some Mexican fusion type Tex-Mex places in Houston one of them called Chewy's fucking delicious on

Mondays or well Wednesdays it's Elvis chicken it's like a chicken cutlet dipped in corn flakes and shit with bazooka juice and hemorrhoid poppers I mean it's fucking delicious they got these margaritas these swirls that are just amazingly I mean the fucking food up on Mondays it's sour cream and chiladas is the special I used to fly to Houston on Mondays just to go to fucking Chewy's that's how much of a fat fuck I am I go to top up T.O. I mean they got restaurants they got this place in Montrose like I like Barnaby's Montrose is the gay neighborhood in Houston which I fucking love the food Montrose I don't give

they whack off on it I don't give a fuck what they do the meat loaf of Barnaby's just king just to have food in Texas but what the fucking place something have a Berry Hill Berry Hill has these tamales that are just off the chain and one time for you motherfuckers I like Joey Diaz stories I went to I did an article in the paper they interviewed me for the club you know they usually interview comics and I mentioned Berry Hill they got this lemonade this lime made but they put the leaves in it the mint leaves nobody ever spent a hundred there it was in the gay neighborhood in Montrose on Sundays they get the fucking

thing on the top that the gays are in their slinging dick Texas style you know I'm saying fuck it right from the sprout they're sucking that juju juice right so they you know they do like techno music on Sundays fucking great I forgot to get some West time or whatever the fuck it is and I was talking about that they had the best tamales in the world so they brought a care package to the comedy club and they gave me a hat which I still have Berry Hill hat I'm gonna help compadre trying to pick up a grandma blow for $60 down there in Hollywood my favorite Coke spot when I was doing blow and I got the hat on who walks him

but the guitar player from ZZ Top I can't remember what his name is right now and he looks at the hat and he goes fucking my favorite joint ever he's from Texas there from Houston so I started talking to him on my dog it's fucking tremendous we start talking he goes let me tell you the story when the Stones played in Houston he goes I stopped at Berry Hill and got him some tamales he goes the funny thing is they didn't touch any other food from Houston except the tamales and from time to time I think they've already you could you could get the tamales in the mail I might fucking order them today get them here

for Christmas for us we could eat them on TV people hate when I eat on camera they say you look like a fucking gorilla and eat which I am I have no nobody likes to go eat with me I fucking eat my fingers and shit like that I'm a fat fuck but this Berry Hill place he came over me he's like Doug so I took the tamales for the Stones and the Stones loved them I think they ordered from there one time from Australia the Stones and one time when they were in Vegas they called Berry Hill and had the tamales delivered to him so if you want a fucking great tamale and you're in Houston go to Berry Hill I've loved that

place by the way this morning we got my friend Einstein Monday from now on I'm not going to dedicate the craziness I'm gonna dedicate the health I'm gonna try to get somebody to call and talk to us about our health especially as fat fucks that would need help for the holidays so today I have my man Einstein calling in from Templan he was one of these black belts you know he's been trying to get me to go down there to do a weightlifting program that he has to build more muscle and burn calories so I'm gonna have him call in as always this podcast is brought to you by Onnet go to Onnet.com and take a look at their

stuff last yesterday for breakfast again that's what I had I had the fucking protein shake so if you don't know go down and get yourself a container and forced there the chocolate fucking delicious you can drink in a U 16 grams of protein BAM fucking 11 grams of fiber to get that muffler going because that's the most important thing no matter where the fuck you go you got to get the muffler going strong bone again I'm gonna start kickboxing today I'll be taking this shit every day I took no mood last night to fall asleep I slept like a fucking baby did you really yeah yeah you know what people saw people's

big knock about like alphabets that have great dreams okay I like to have vivid dreams this shit last night I had some fucked up dreams oh really I don't know I don't remember what the dream was don't ask me you know I'm like I have a fucking moment I don't remember shit but go to Omnet.com when you order right before you put in the church type in the church let me get some fucking credit here and let's keep this on the chain going so we could all be fucking healthy but last night when I went to this what I like about Morton's like I haven't been there since Hollywood but well I like to I'm a big lobster bisque type of

motherfucker I like all those Boston soups lobster bisque in the way we claim but I got the lobster bisque I got the little steak you know the little flank steak eight ounces I didn't want to eat a lot of meat and I had this salad you know I usually get the spinach salad or I usually get the I usually get the wedge or they have this fucking steak tomato steak tomato salad with onions oh fuck I mean I love the vegetables in those places that's it I didn't really go nuts I watched my points but now I got to get serious about that's why I want to change up my workout I'm gonna change it up I usually go to a yoga on

Mondays I'm not gonna go to them they go to Thursday and try to shock my fucking body I'm gonna do a little bit more aerobics and stuff like that lily lily when you bad motherfucker you're about 20 days from going home seeing your little honey you're gonna go to the England game you're gonna eat some fucking pussy you're about hopefully we're gonna do this at we're gonna try to get this chick to fart in your face at the end of the world show I got this girl she wants you to bring an eye patch just in case she has some scrap no one takes out your eyeball it cuts your colony like John Wickle John or whatever fuck his name is

we're gonna have a good lily lily you bad motherfucker it's like I said guys that's it the Hollywood season Hollywood the fucking Christmas season is upon you motherfuckers we got six more weeks and it's I'm really want to give a shout out to my wife after 12 years for tolerating me 13 fucking years we've been married for three and I love my wife very much and it's funny because yesterday in the morning it didn't seem like we're gonna go anywhere and like last night I took a nap in the afternoon fuck I got a high on something yesterday and if I can take a nap and when I woke up she's like what do you want doing I didn't want to

really get dressed or whatever and I and it's funny how you know when I started dating my wife when I moved in with my wife it was just like very casual I didn't know what to expect or whatever and she kept blowing my mind you know she kept I started getting these movies but when I got the longest shot we had been dating about four years and I used to wake up and I used to notice that you know I had to be at the set at 445 in fucking Redondo Beach snorkeling too I'd sleep right now when my clothes would be laid out and it's funny how my wife stood by me for all these little things for all these little movies

when I had to sleep at me my wife would drive me I'd fall asleep behind the fucking wheel when I had the fat ball on my neck my wife drove me to the hospital made sure I was okay when I had the knee surgery you know she's gonna have this baby now when I'm really worried about her you know I'm more worried about my wife I couldn't do it without my wife I couldn't do anything without my wife my wife is the fucking backbone of the organization so I've been really worried about my life but I gotta stand 150% behind there and not worry and get ready for this fucking kid next three weeks you know she's starting to bust

already I mean I could tell you but when she went to eat last night she was happy and if you've ever been married guys are you thinking about getting married let me tell you some advice when I first got married I was never gonna get married again after I failed the first time but that's why I remarried because I failed how can you fucking fail at having a relationship with somebody it's so easy it's just you and me and we try to talk things and either I love you or I fucking don't and I wasn't really in love or whatever but I didn't try with this girl here it's so hard are you up to try your home has to

be everything Lee you know I hope that it works out with this girl and you'll know that I first got married and shit I thought it was just a piece of pussy and laundry you know I was when I was 20 when I was your age and I got married I'm like here we go I got a piece of pussy and laundry forever this is it you know I didn't think about what it really was you know I didn't think about what it really was it's two people it's two people not against the world it's not you against the world no more and if somebody really has your back they're not gonna leave you they're gonna stick it out with you you know my first wife

fucking left because I didn't have her fucking back either you know who the fucking my kid I didn't have her back she didn't have mine I can't cry about that my relationship with my daughter was lost you know because I didn't get along I put comedy first you know the whole child support thing now I finally get back and I'm ready to rock and I get a second chance so I know for a fact guys if you ever get a second chance make sure your house is good your house always has to be good if your wife's not happy nothing's gonna fucking be happy it drips down into all types of your business and you don't need that so now

this is why I'm home all the time you know the other night was driving back from the left factory in Hollywood's 1040 you know I got money in my pocket right I got a couple like fucking 80 bucks or whatever I had my little vapor pan I'm driving back I'm like where would I go even if I wanted to go somewhere lose my mind where would I go I go to a fucking strip club and I get bored you know I don't want to see some girl dancing in a fucking bathing suit I want to see that artichoke and I want to see deep into that fucking asshole I don't want to waste my time you know I could sit at home and watch fucking

cinema so you know I know where to go and I've had no where to go for like 20 years it's so weird that's why when I did blow I went home and did it and my wife said to me on that she was don't you ever fucking make a detour or something like that I go you know what sometimes at night I'd stop the 7-11 get a hot chocolate and buy a pack of cigarettes to smoke two cigarettes throw the cigarettes away and come home I was the extent of my night like I have no night life no do I want to be and and it's so weirdly I never really wanted to be out at night I just did it because I had no fucking choice when I was a kid you

know I'm saying yeah you want to make money you want to sell blow you want to sell trailers you want to stab people you got to go out at night to do all that type work what's happening Lee Lee Lee with my little brother what's going on brother you and your wife have a very interesting relationship it's not I've noticed it's since I've like cuz I we didn't I didn't come over here for a while when we first started hanging out and it's not it's not like a step for family it's not like hi honey how are you like she's probably one of the funniest people I've ever met because she it's probably because she's been with you for

fucking ten years that she gives you shit and like it doesn't it doesn't like like you don't intimidate her at all so she'll like start giving you shit my wife isn't fucking scared of me at all she's from chairs at me she told the knife on me my wife don't fuck around you know why my wife don't fuck around cuz her dad's fucking nuts her dad's a big-ass mountain of fucking Irish men who's just as crazy and retarded as I am you know shit comes out of his mouth I look at him you know sometimes he calls he's like look who it is it's the Mexican Cuban it don't matter you fucking Mexican I mean he's just crazy so

that's why like I look at her family and I look at my family oh I fucking get it I get that correlation now you know why she digs me why she's tolerating me because her father's fucking nuts yeah so I get sometimes I call over there talk to the mother of my niece and I can hear the father I'm like all that fucking who's this Obama headquarters like he's always breaking my fucking balls about something so but that's uh it's uh it's it's cool to watch cuz I mean especially with the kid coming I'm a I know you're nervous about it but I I've seen you with other kids and stuff and especially when I've heard our

magical talk to you what you were on the minivan man podcast and it was just a I think I think you're really gonna like it I think I think you're nervous now but I thought about this driving over here yesterday I thought I think I'm gonna come over and like six months you're just gonna be like it sing like Google Gaga like over like over the crib I know that kids are a fucking future listen man when I first got married I had the kid with the other fucking struts yeah like again I thought marriage was getting your dick sucked and somebody to do your laundry and somebody to cook I'm not gonna lie I'm gonna

sit here and tell you that I thought it was fucking glorious and my daughter's name is Jackie and you know I had Jackie for the first four or five years of a life man but I was fucking crazy you know I beat up a stepfather in front of right bit slapped them I mean I did that testicle testament about I don't know if we sold that one that one's next that was next and it really fucking sucked because when I started doing comedy full-time in 95 Mike my contact with her got limited and I had nothing I had I was walking on thin ice as it was in 95 when I left she was five and I loved the deal and she loved me dealing and I

always swore I wouldn't get married I wouldn't have fucking kids well guess what you know I'm having a bolt on last night I'm sitting there my wife went to the bathroom looking at my wife I got my wife she's pregnant you know everything's going well the podcast is going well I'm acting I'm working brother you know I should be the happiest I've ever been in my life and at times I sit then I'm scared because this is all I want I'm sitting here and already Morton's what the fuck I am last night Morton's I'm looking at the big pictures empty by the way place was fucking empty you know this country they talk so much shit on

fucking line on television that they scare the consumer you know what it was one of the worst black Friday's of all fucking time yeah they didn't do shit you called me and you said it's okay you know but people finally realized why am I standing here like a fucking bolt we're getting ready to go chase Pete you know why I could do all this shit online you go to Amazon I don't even have an Amazon ban I'm telling you Amazon is one of the best fucking things in your life yeah I came home the other day ordered like ten things on fucking Amazon that I needed it was amazing three to five day shipping you know like my wife said

never takes fucking eight-day shipping I order my cat stuff on there you know why the fuck would you go out and torture yourself like that you were not you got a couple stuff yeah you know you're looking for a computer to get us hooked up online so it's a lot faster so I understand you like that stuff but at the end you know we're gonna kill them online this year I mean last year sales were like 30 40% they're expected not to fucking double but like it was slow what something the airport wasn't as busy as they said because I had three people who flew in and out they were like it was okay he goes it was like they were

setting you up on Thursday but he goes they could have had eight lines but instead they had four lines to really make it heavy he goes but it wasn't really heavy if they would have had all eight lines open and security goes it wouldn't have been that fucking bad it's like they want it you've been to Seattle now Seattle's one of those cities that there's no way there's that many fucking cars it's like they want the traffic so they could talk about oh my god there's so much traffic like California there isn't step on it you fuck no there is a step on it you fuck get that three card move it out of the

fucking way let me do 90 if you don't want to fucking do it I've never seen some and the ruders people here in California they won't fucking move out of the way and if you're in the left-hand lane you're doing 90 you're in your fucking six or seven beamer and you're doing 65 why do you have that fucking beamer why are you wasting my time and everybody else's time so what you got some chains to buy a seven but you're a fucking pussy so if you're not gonna fucking step on it please get a Prius and get fucked in the ass in the right hand fucking lane but if you're gonna get a seven or a hot car you

better be doing fucking 90 because I'm doing 90 behind you my fucking Subaru and I got a fucking Subaru four-wheel drive so if I'm doing fucking 90 you got fucking problems you understand these people really do have problems you're fucking the 45 in the seven series why'd you buy the seven for to show your fucking neighbors that you got three dollars you fucking phony fuck yeah get a shit box and do 30 you know I'm saying to stop wasting everybody's time these motherfuckers doing fucking ten miles and I'm sorry Lee I get a little emotional sometimes on Monday morning it must be the new mood pull

the fucking music on Lee what do we got this morning we got a bunch of stuff we're gonna start off with a when the levy breaks oh shit a little Led Zeppelin cuz let me tell you some Mondays were made for Zeppelin yeah you said that when I came in where is it Lee I was way usually you can talk I didn't hit it we're gonna talk about ladies and gentlemen Zeppelin 4 correct me I believe you it doesn't say on the thing Zeppelin 4 they don't really have a title for this out but it's for that's what I like to call it's gotta you know stand with the heaven rock and roll and all that shit I go leave baby come on stop stop look they're

excited smile you fuck oh shit with the levy breaks when she farts in your eyeball come on and don't forget for all your snow knees Anthony Dolores this is what I ate this morning one of these because you pussy don't eat on camera joy fuck you bitch I had one way before the camera play that what are you lonely for Lee says to me now you're gonna start the morning off one of those fuck you a little mint chocolate chip a hundred milligrams just to get the blood going just to get the TAC blood going this I'm ready to pop one of these in a fucking alpha brain

it's over you'll put a little alpha brain yeah that's holy no what the fuck did it leave the levys gonna brain it's a sandy soundtrack what or you played this on the way home from the color oh Lee Lee Leland it's fucking Monday Lee what's the story what do you gotta plan What do you got planned this week? No, I forgot, we forgot to tell them

when I came over for Thanksgiving this weekend, your wife went to take a nap and you spent about an hour and a half torturing me, telling me, I think when we left off I'm making $4 million of getting ported in the face. I got big plans for Lee. He don't understand me by one fart in the face, the chain of reaction he could do.

One fart, you take one fart to the face, you can go from being homeless to being a star. It all depends on what you do with that one fart. You know, because like I said, she's gonna fart in his face and Lee's gonna fall backwards. I'm not gonna, for the little fart in the 21st, cause we're gonna have it at the end of the world show.

I'm gonna have it in the back, back there, we'll get Stan Hope just to watch, he's a good man. The trick is she's gonna come to the end of the world show, I'm gonna comp the ticket, she's gonna come, you're gonna get on your hands and then she's gonna fart in your face. When you go, she's gonna live worse for a month and fucking onions, she's already started,

she's a nice Jew girl with a big ass, by the way. She wants you to get the full menorah of the Jew muffler in your face, you know what I'm saying? So, we're not gonna show the exact fart in your face, but we're gonna show you on the floor, falling down, holding on to your face, yelling and screaming, aye, aye, I lost an eye, whatever people do. Take you to the hospital, like I said,

we're gonna get you 25 hours of ticket, Lee, the fucking money is endless. I can't remember now the count, I wrote it somewhere, you wrote it down? I got the whole business plan here, because we're gonna have posters, we're gonna have shirts, we're gonna have the whole thing, Lee, I don't even have shirts, I have nothing, Lee,

this is a way to make you, you're gonna make millions of a fart to the face, nobody's ever done that before, Lee, you understand me, that's how bad of a man you are, just relax, I'm gonna get you hooked up here, nice Jew girl, gonna make you yarmulkes, little yarmulke with like a fucking, you know, have nine patch on it, matching eyepatch,

when was the last time you seen a Jew with a matching eyepatch and a yarmulke, never, Lee, you're sitting on the fucking, you're on top of the world, you know what I'm saying, relax, nobody's ever taken a little fart to the face and fucking lived to tell. You got me so stoned and you were sitting there, we weren't even like looking at each other,

we were watching, we were like barely watching the football game, and you were just like, all right, we're gonna make four million, and all I want is 10%, that's 400 grand. That's it, that's all I need is 400,000, that's a mere nothing compared to the fart you're gonna take to the face, you're gonna walk out of there with 3.6 million,

you know what I'm saying, who's better than you? Get your shit together, Lee, I love you like a brother, you know what I'm saying, a little fart to the face, you complain and the girl might know you're a savage, Lee, you're fucking savage, anyway, the fuck he's throwing me off with this fart and the face shit, he's confused. I know, what the fuck, this is old news, Lee,

we're gonna do this and then we'll report, we can't tell the people no more about it, we have to do it and then report about it, I got a good fucking movie for you people, I'm trying to hold off till my man Einstein comes because Einstein is a very interesting and intense type of guy, but I got a very good movie for you and I've been giving you some good movies lately.

This is fucking Eureka Vapors on fire today, this is a headband, I think, I love this, I tell you I don't even smoke reefing no more, you don't see me smoking. Yeah, you give it all to me. That's right too, I give it to my man, Lee, because I love you, Lee, I gotta give you something, you sit there, you smoking this shit at night?

Oh yeah, I have a one-hander and the only way you can go to sleep is because I get home at six in the morning. How many heads you taking at night? I go through a gram in about four days, so whatever that is. Four days, look at you, you're a regular fuck, you don't smoke no gram, you take three little heads.

Isn't a gram like the little, like one little bud? No. Oh, well then whatever you used to give me, like that was like one big bud. How much weed you got now? You got about two pounds, don't you? You got more weed than I do at the house, I got nothing, I got this one-hander and my pun,

I haven't been smoking, just this vapor gets me over, but it's funny, the movie I want to turn you guys to today is something I've talked about in the Joe Rogan podcast, I think we discussed it. Obviously you guys know I'm a big Charles Bronson fan. Charles Bronson was a big icon in the 70s, unlike a lot of these people you see today. The thing about Charles Bronson was that

he was like this tough guy, he had this weird personality, he was a great actor, he made some great fucking movies. Today, a guy makes two movies and we jump up and down, oh, we get impressed, it's like when a guy loses two in the UFC and then wins, knocks somebody out, he's back, he's not fucking back, you gotta win like six or seven fucking fights to be back, just because you won one fight,

don't mean you're fucking back. It's so weird how easily we're impressed in this society, we're fucking easily impressed with somebody, just because they would do one fucking thing good. Zeppelin had nine fucking albums, Pink Floyd, the last five fucking albums were albums and they had 10 before that, but Pink Floyd, what was it?

Metal fucking, Wish You Were Here, Dark Side, I mean, Dark Side of the Moon, I think Wish You Were Here was the backup to Dark Side of the Moon, Animals and then the fucking war. So they understand that they just didn't do one fucking thing and then people jump up and down like this society does, they do one fucking thing and people, oh my God, he's brilliant, he's fucking great.

This guy, Louis C.K. has been around for 30 fucking years. You know, Dave Chappelle was around for 20 years before that fucking show that he quit because the networks retorted him. So a lot of people never know that you guys just think we pop up out of the scene, but we've been around for fucking years. Same thing with music, that's how I judge.

I don't get impressed when a band has one good fucking song, I don't get impressed because I know this is, anybody could come up with a great fucking first album. Anybody can, it's the second album, that's a motherfucker. You've been prepping all your life waiting for the first album. The second album is the one that you got a tape while you're on the fucking road and that's why a lot of people fail.

But anyway, we're talking about fucking movies, right? The movie, the reason why I love this movie is it's the first cage match, it's called Hard Times. And it came out in 1975 with, what's this cocksucker's name? James Colburn, you got Charles Bronson in it, but the director on this, and this is a Walter Hill movie. Now let me tell you the movies that Charles Bronson had done to let him up to this fucking thing, all right?

He started with Once Upon a Time in the West, which we covered last week. They did the Vellachi papers, and he did Chattel's Land where he played a fucking Indian. Then he did, what's this one here? I can't even fucking tell. Mr. Majestic, then he did Stone Killer, then he did The Mechanic in 73 where he was 51 years old.

Then he did Death Wish, then he did Break Out with Robert Duvall, which is another classic where he plays an imp, a helicopter mechanic and he breaks Duvall out of a prison. And then he did this movie, I'm talking about Hard Times, which is a fucking classic movie. Like I said, it's the first ever cage fight. First ever, they fought in a cage

when he fights Robert Tessier in a cage. If you guys don't know who Robert Tessier is, that bald guy that was in the longest yard, not the one I did with Adam Sandler, the original. I'm gonna play for you the first meeting in between Charles Bronson and James Coburn. If you guys don't know who James Coburn is, this is fucking our man Flint.

This guy was also in the dirt, not the dirty dozen, but the other one, the Magnificent Seven. He was also Bruce Lee's fucking, he carried the casket. He was one of Bruce Lee's students. And when I did Arliss with James Coburn, they canceled for three weeks. They kept saying that you're not shooting this week because the star is sick.

And I was at the Tempe Improv and I got a call one night that Monday we were shooting this. And a dear friend of mine got me this role, Alan Stevens, who I'm still, he was a producer on Arliss. They knew how crazy I was about James Coburn. And he got me a role. And I remember looking at James Coburn, I couldn't even look at him.

I kept fucking crying. And if you go online somewhere, the scene from Arliss is on, because my buddy sent it to me. Play that scene with their first meeting. Lee, wake up. You're looking at me like a fucking student. No, it's not.

You're talking about Arliss. For fucking Arliss. I'm talking about Charles Bronson and James Coburn. All right. Start any time, pal. Cheney. So what? I think I'll make some money.

Right, well, I'm all ears, friend. That piece of business tonight, you said enough? Happens all the time. Help yourself. Thanks. Takes one of his oysters. Suppose you've been down the long, hard road. Who has it?

Cheney. You a policeman? It's just like the nowhere man comes from, that's all. You look a little pasty. So I already got a hitter. Yeah, yeah, I saw him. Well, I'll send the bitch to lay down on me tonight. Look, friend.

Every time you got a bar, if a bar's got somebody who thinks he's as tough as a nickel steak, but they all come to speed for the Doremi. The Doremi. I'm the one that loses. I don't want you at Dome. You got six bucks.

Six fucking bucks. You bet it. All right, here's my man, Einstein, calling, but this guy plays a fighter. James Corbin plays his manager and they go out. We got one more scene for you, but let's take the call from my man, Einstein. Hit it.

Einstein, what's the story, buddy? Thank you very much for calling. The kid's punctual. I hear you, brother. How you been? All right, lately? Yeah, I'm good. It's a little bit like a one.

Okay, well, you got to call him. I got to call him. Okay, well, you got to call him. You're on the house phone or you're on the cell phone? On the cell phone. Where's the house phone? You don't have a house phone? Who the fuck has a house phone?

You never know. Maybe for the fucking computer line. Sometimes you got to have a little bit of a house phone. Some people have a house phone, but I don't. Besides that, I just want to enter- I'm Jewish, I'm Jewish, man. I'm not gonna spend money on that. I hate you.

I ain't fucking mad at you. You know me, we got the flying Jewish studio. Say hello to Lisa yet. Say hello, Lee. Hey, buddy. I'm the flying Jewish. Hey, hey. I want to let people know that you're one of the top black belts

of 10th planet. You're also very health conscious. You've been breaking my balls for the last five years. And you have a program that you want to talk about that I want to let people know that they're available to somebody who's overweight that wanted to start working out today. What would be the, and I want you to call in from now

on Einstein and touch base with these guys. Because I got a lot of guys. I got a lot of fat fucks like me. And they don't know where the start lines time. They really don't. You know, and you go to a YMCA, you get on a bicycle, you got your shirt on in the pool, you don't want people to see your titties.

You don't know where to start. Where would these guys start? Or what would they do? What would you do? It's a tough thing because the industry kind of fucks everything up. I mean, let me start off by saying I've been doing this for more years than I've been doing.

I've been involved in strength and fitness since I'm 15 years old. And it's something I learned from a guy who was already educated. So, you know, probably anyway, degrees and things like that. That's where I started. I was going from a lost case. He was just experimenting.

I learned from someone who understood what was going on. Oh, they didn't base what he was doing on assumptions as a teacher. So, I mean, I was when I was 15 years old and I stayed with it. And by the time I was 18, 19 years old, I was already certified. Not that that's a big deal, but I was already certified.

I was educated somewhat. And I had a job as a personal trainer. And through that, I started learning more and more through other people who were just smarter than me, who did more work in this field, you know, basically the lab coats, the nerds of the field. A lot of people just base what they do on assumption, you know, there's a big strong guy with lots of muscles

at the gym. And he goes, well, I do this and I do that. And then everyone goes, oh, I'm going to do that too, because he's big and strong. I'm going to be like that. And then he's more things like genetics. That it's just a predisposed thing. You know, I used to have girls that come in with huge quads.

Big leg muscles, big calves, what are you doing? Genetics, they were born that way. You know, it's like those chicks that go to general scrawny and they're like, I don't want to get too big by lifting weights. It's like, bitch, you ain't going to get too big. It's not in you. See that bitch over there, it's big.

She was big before she started lifting weights. So I mean, there's just a lot of assumptions at the industry based on assumptions and stupidity. And you have gurus out there like Richard Simmons. And people go to this man and believe what he says, but they ignore what he looks like. Like that's your fucking guru, Richard Simmons. That's who you're going to listen to.

That's who he's doing what he says to do. It doesn't work for him. Do you think it's going to work for you? So there's a lot of misconceptions and misunderstandings and people just get desperate and they watch the TV and they, oh look, eight minute ads or an Avrola, which becomes a fucking code hanger. Let me get on a treadmill, which never worked.

These things don't work. They do nothing for you. If anything, they hurt you. I mean, I just get up at Kenny Flooring and see a Twitter, which is not really, you know, but he's like, oh, I'm trying out this new thing so I can go running. I'm like, dude, I didn't fix in your back

for the last five, six months. And I am fixing it and he'll fucking, you know, get on and tell you, like Scottie Eston is the only person that sticks to my fucking back. Like if this dude would have met me while he was still fighting, he'd probably still be fighting. That's a good thing, but he'd still be doing it when he had, in his career.

And now he's going out running. Why is he running? It's like, you know, fuck your back. Running, like if they know it's not, it's a bad thing. You're putting a lot of impact on your back and you're hurting it. You're hurting your knees. You're also causing muscle atrophy.

So people want to do exercise and go and go and go and they don't realize that their body's actually hitting itself atrophy, you know? That's the muscle eating itself to survive, to keep going. You don't want to do that. You know, you get to running and skipping and jumping and then you get these other things, the pain of the exercise community,

such as, you know, crossfit, kettlebells, and all this nonsense, that it's again, it's an assumption-based thing. Somebody had an idea and someone marketed the fuck out of it. Someone's making a lot of profit off of other people's injuries. You know, I spoke to a chiropractor. The guy's a chiropractor for the Utah Jazz, actually. I was hanging out with him in Vegas.

And he's like, I love this crossfit. I was like, what's crazy? Are you kidding? He's like, no, no, no. He's like, my industry, my office, has gone up 300% and business has happened. So, you know, people are, you know, suffering, and you have people who make a profit off of it.

You know, he says it's a joke. Obviously it's not good to hurt, but that's what happens because it's an industry based on assumption. And it's a dangerous thing. So you're asking me, like, oh, how does someone start? It's really hard for me to go and go, hey, do this, do this. And then people go, oh, that's not gonna work.

That doesn't work. That can't work because they're already absorbed with nonsense that's on the television service that I'm getting hurt. Well, listen, man, this shit works. So basically, I mean, if we go with some of these super obis, some fucking guy, who's in a really, really extreme case,

and this is not something I deal with much, but, you know, or at all, really someone just can't get out of bed, you know? So the first thing you need to do is, unplug that motherfucker, hey, do that, because that dude's gonna wall the wallcraft and play an Xbox Live all day, all right? Unplug that shit.

But realistically, you got to start just contracting muscles. And what I mean by that is like, if you like, you know, if I say you go make a muscle to a child, if you can't do it anymore, she's gonna do it, bend their arm, and then you're gonna flex their bicep. And, okay, make a muscle,

you're contracting a muscle at that point, and that's like a big deal, not really. If you sat there by yourself right now, and I told you, start to contract that muscle. Harder and harder. Giving 100%, keep your face calm, keep breathing. Don't make faces, do not hold your breath, just squeeze harder, harder, harder, harder

on your bicep muscle. Actually, it's gonna get a sick workout. If I have you doing that for like 20 seconds, harder as you can, and then come down on that contraction about 25, 30%, and then do it again 100% for another 20, 30 seconds. Keep doing that for about a minute, two minutes, three minutes, your arms can be fucked up,

it's gonna be sore, it's gonna hurt, and you got to work out your arms. So now you have to learn and understand your body, and start to do that throughout your whole entire body. Now, again, I'm talking about an extreme case of some fat fuck, he's not getting out of bed, okay? Well, all of a sudden, he's gotta learn how to contract his legs, his quad, his hamstrings,

his glutes, his abductors, others. Without even really moving. And what's happening now is there's something going on. His muscles are breaking down a little bit. Without even moving, breaking down, carrying up, and what do they have to do? They have to survive, and they have to use something for energy.

What they're using most likely is not, because it's done in such a short term, it's not gonna be its own self. Like if you're running, anybody has to use its own muscle for energy. It's gonna start to use sugars and body fat. It also has to repair itself. Now, the repairing part is, goes against

what everyone believes also. The repairing part isn't even not working. Everyone thinks, oh, I stimulate my muscle, I better do it again immediately. And then you get these cycles in the gym on a fucking day, running in circles, and banging the head against the wall. You know, it's gonna work, it's gonna work,

it's gonna work, it's gonna work, it's gonna work, it's gonna work, it's gonna work, it's gonna work, it's gonna work, it's gonna work, it's gonna work for a little bit. But then you get into the whole overtraining thing, because your body can't fix itself. So let me ask you this.

And then the opposite. Let me ask you this, Einstein. So a guy gets up today, what should he do as a workout? What would you recommend the guy did for the first week? That's over. Who are we talking about? What's this guy? A normal guy get up and do his thing

just a little bit overweight? You know, just somebody wants to get started. Do they go for a walk? Do they do leg squats the first week? Do they do sit-ups? I mean, what do you recommend for somebody who just wants to get started, who wants to raise their metabolic rate,

raise their heart rate, what do you recommend? Well, what we're talking about is someone that's physically capable of doing things, right? Right, yeah, somebody who just said I've had fuck-ups. I thought we were talking about the extreme cases, so guys can't get out of bed and, you know, they can't pull out the ambulance, come and kind of door open.

So yeah, it's the same thing, I'm talking about that contraction, but we're gonna now, we're gonna do some sort of movement. Like, so, take a guy like you, I'll have someone like you stand at about a 90 degree angle against the wall, so it looks like you're sitting, but there's no chair. Okay, and now we're gonna learn.

Squeeze the cow muscle, squeeze the hamstring, squeeze the quads, squeeze your glutes at your ass, okay? Tighten your abdominals, relax your face, don't hold your breath and reminisce, and you gotta squeeze as hard as you possibly can, and I'll hold you there for about 20 seconds, then we're gonna taper down, and for about 10 seconds,

we're gonna do about 35%, 25% of your strength, and we're gonna have to squeeze. Boom, we have to 10 seconds, right back to 100% again. It's gonna get into 20 seconds at 100%, 10 seconds at 25%, and you do that for about three minutes. When you get better, you do about five minutes maximum, and you're not gonna be able to do it for three minutes, buddy, you're gonna fall,

you're gonna be sliding off the wall, wanting to sit down crying. The thing is to keep a calm, relaxed face, and let it not that big of a deal, and as you're doing this, and you're sitting there squeezing, and as easy as it may sound right now, if I do it to you, you're done.

It's not easy. That might happen if you're doing it. So what are you squeezing? What are you squeezing? You're contracting all your muscles. Just standing against the wall, contracting your muscles? Just sitting there. So what you do is that you get better,

you start to feel as if you're pushing your feet through the ground, as if you are moving, like a leg press or squat, but you don't move. You push your feet down through that ground as hard as you can. From there, with no rest, you come off the wall after two to three minutes, maybe five minutes, depending on the person,

get down on your hands and knees, and get into a push-up position, and depending on the person as well, you start to do a nice, slow push-up, about 10 seconds down, about 10 seconds up. Now, you're not allowed to lock your elbows and rest. You know what I'm saying? Your arms are straight and you just chill there.

That's resting. You're not allowed to do that. If you can do three to five of these, I'm impressed, okay? I don't see you doing three, but if you can, great. Okay, that's 30, 40, 50 seconds, almost a minute of work right there. See, people get in the gym and they go to the bench press, and they go as fast as they can.

They go, I gotta do eight reps. They go eight reps. Now, time that shit one day, because I'm the nerd that used to do that. I go to the gym and watch Mr. Bodybuilding and time them. See how long I've taken to do those exercises. Then when it's time, 15 seconds. They do it, they walk around the gym

and they flex their abs and they go talk to their friends. They get a fucking juice, grab some water, come back and do another six or eight, you know, with more weight or less weight. And every time you stop, your body's already recovering. So you're basically reusing what you used already. Okay, anyway, we'll go back. You're trying to do this push-up until failure.

Your objective is to get to a point where you're pushing your hardest and you can't move. You'll think you're unmoving. You should be using your imagination. I'm moving, I'm moving more. And you can't go anywhere and just drop to a four. From there, depending on where you're at, what you have.

I thought you would pull over. The thing where you're not moving at all. So at my jiu-jitsu gym, what I'll have is a circle. Everyone circles around them, a mat, a pile of mats. And it kind of looks like they're praying. You're kind of squatting and they're pushing your elbow down. Like they're praying into this mat,

but they're not moving. Now this hits the back hard. It hits the abs hard. And if they contract it, it hits the biceps really hard. You're just trying to move your heart if you can't. You're not moving. So what am I doing here? I'm doing something really, really safe.

These are explosive movements for what injured people. So now you got some guy in middle age, whatever. This is super safe for them, but it's more effective because they're working harder. Like I said, they knew when to go to the gym, normal go to the gym and do eight reps, six reps, walk around, come back, hang out. They're not working to a physical fatigue.

Not even close. They're working to a mental fatigue or a predetermined number of, I must do eight. Without ever questioning, well, why eight? Because I read it in the magazine. If the fucking juice head bodybuilder over there told me to do eight, you just do a sheet on ask. You just sign contracts and don't read it, you know?

And when the bank comes after you, it's the same shit, man. You got to understand and question why you're doing what you're doing. So now we've just gone through three major things. A chest, back and leg exercise. Right there, just those three alone are more than enough. It's fine. You can get into other things like abduction, abduction.

You can sit down on the floor and stick with a fucking, a foam brick between your knees and start to squeeze your legs towards each other where they can't move. And you go from same protocol, 100%, 25%, 100%, 25% back and forth for about two to three minutes. Do the same thing, take a yoga belt, put it around your knees, and now try

to open your legs as hard as you can. Same protocol. So there's a bunch of different exercises. But the major ones, the ones that I tell someone that doesn't know, doesn't have anyone there to help them, is realistically just get into a wall squat foam until they're going to drop. Push ups until they're going to drop.

And if they could sit on their couch and the couch starts pushing their elbows through it, get on their knees and push down, that's going to hit the back really hard. They want to go outside and take a towel and put it around a pole. It's like the pole, like they're doing a row. You know, like the row machine.

Without moving, same thing. They can do that as well. I mean, a lot of it, I'd have to be there and stop it. You know, but this is the best I can do on a phone. I mean, you know. No, I understand. Where can people find you at, dog? Where can people find you at?

I mean, they can come to my gym, attempt to find at West LA, there's a, attempt to find at westla.com. Now that's a jiu-jitsu gym. And I understand people don't want to do jiu-jitsu. You know, they just want to get in shape or whatever. And that's fine. On Thursday night, I make all my athletes

do this type of training. And then once they're done with the training, they immediately roll. They do jiu-jitsu. They start training. They exhaust it. They can't move, they can barely breathe. They're muscles are fatigued.

Their heart rate is up. And then they try to roll. If you just come in, you come in, do the exercise protocol, step up the mat and watch the idiots try to choke each other. Have fun. You don't have to do the jiu-jitsu part. You're not obligated.

Come in for the day class. Now, if they come in that class and see you at jiu-jitsu in the West, is there a phone number that they could get you? Maybe they could train somewhere else. What do you like? What do you usually do? Yeah.

There's also, I have a gym's colleague who will get up online. It's called Myogenics. Myogenics.com. Myogenicsfitness.com. It's probably two things. It's in the other country, West Hollywood, on Crescent High Street, Santa Monica Boulevard.

So Myo-M-Y-O-G-E-N-I-C-K-S-E-F. Myogenics. I just see it, okay. Myogenicsfitness.com. You can look on there. They can look at the site. Look at what we do there. We have weight machines there,

so I'm giving you what you can do without weights without the machines. Now, I can do a whole static protocol. Actually, the type of protocol I'm doing, I'm calling intensity squared. You know, the whole iron span thing. So I can do that there with the weight machines as well. I don't want to sit there and give a recipe

of a protocol you should do at a regular gym just because I don't want people messing around and hurting themselves. Of course, you can watch crap on TV and they'll tell you what to do at a gym and people get hurt and you can't do them. I'm not gonna get involved in that. You want to do stuff on machines

with weights that come to see me. So you can do that at Myogenics or you can do the other one at 10thclimatewestallery.com. If you want to be offended, you can go get in touch with me on Twitter. My handle on there is Scotty, SCOGTIEMC squared number two, EEC2, but I'm warning you now most of the stuff I say is filthy.

But if you just get in touch with me on there and I say, what's up, then I can give you my information through there. And then my Facebook also, Scott Einstein Epstein. So any of those places, any social media is an easy place to find me. I love you, Einstein. I'll be in touch.

Thank you for calling on a Monday morning, cocksucker. Also listen to me. Helping these fat fucks to get in shape. Real, real important, listen to me, real important with all these people is diet. Their food intake, what they're eating, how they're eating. You can't be lazy with that. I'm not lazy with it.

Get used to it, change the way we eat. No excuses. Oh, I'm gonna have, you know, quick McDonald's before I go to work. Oh, this is healthy because it's organic. You know what, sugar's organic too. It's not healthy. You don't want to put too much of that in your system.

Cut your sugars down. Understand carbohydrates turn into sugars when they're in the blood. You want to cut that shit down to literally nothing. It'll make a change. How am I my age? I'm shredded for the E-light. And I exercise. You're fucking...

People go eat a genetic freak. I'm not a genetic freak. I'm fucking Jewish. You're fucking beautiful. Don't forget about me. You eat the fucking bagels the whole thing. Don't forget about me, cocksucker. Every time we go for bagels, they don't have them.

They insult me. I love you. I call you during the week. The two walks out of the restaurant, they didn't have bagels. Yeah, fuck that. They don't have fucking bagels here. I'm leaving.

I'm like, dude, what just happened? Come on, now they don't have bagels. What the fuck? How don't you not have fucking bagels until you join? What the fuck? Send the Mexican on a bicycle. Do something. But you got to have a fucking bagel here.

Two times we went, they didn't have a fucking bagel. I had a heart attack. That's unjewel-like. You know what I'm saying? You don't do that shit. You should have been eating bagels in the first. Fuck that shit. They got locks.

That's my... I hate eggs. So I like a little bagel, a little onion, and the whole fucking thing. I love you, Einstein. I'll give you a call later. Thank you, brother. Stay black.

All right, brother. You stay black. I get fucking pissed off, bro. I go to get a bagel twice. I went to get bagels in some place on La Brea. So a little Jew comes to the table. Hi, can I help you? I want the bagel special out.

Let me go check. This motherfucker came back and he goes, I got no bagels. The first time I let it slide, the first time I'm like, you know, that's okay. It happens. Let me just get the eggs, whatever. Fucking second time I go in there,

the guy comes over and says, no, we don't have bagels again. Then what the fuck do you have in the menu? What the fuck are you? Rouse is down the block. It takes you five minutes to go down the block. Even if it's a shit bagel, you have something for the customer.

It's better than sitting there like a fucking Momo and going, no, I'm out of bagels. And now I got to sit there and have fucking eggs or some omelet special. You're trying to fucking push me. I want Jew food, you know what I'm saying? That's keeping going for my man, Einstein, for calling up. He's not the fucking perkyest fucking guy

in the morning, Einstein, you know what I'm saying? No, but that's the guy, when he said, cause that's what I want to do. I wrestled for six years from middle school through high school and I loved it. He reminded me of my coaches. You don't really, for me at least, and maybe some people do, but when I worked out,

everyone, they were like, I don't want someone who's going to be like, oh, you did a great job. I don't mind someone being tough and saying and yelling at you a little bit. You gotta, I mean, listen, in this society where we're at in Hollywood here, these fucking people, like I went to the other day, I went to Box Friday.

I went down by Machiafolio, I had a beauty of the beast and he used to, that's when I first started losing weight, I'd go down there and hit the mitts with him. And it's so weird, he'll fucking tell you what's on your mind, but the problem is we had to talk about that. It's like, dog, a lot of people get offended. A lot of these fucking white people that work in Fox

and the CBS, if you tell them you're a fat fuck, they won't come back. You know, a lot of these people, we were talking about actors, that box. You know how many fucking fake actors are seen at that place. Sorry about that, hitting the fucking mitts and also they think they're fucking actually Muhammad Ali.

Like I've seen Frank Stallone down there, I've seen a lot of people down there that fucking think they're fucking really Muhammad Ali. And then they put him there like, yeah, they keep bothering that and Justin to get in there and they get bit slapped fucking quick. You hitting a bag and you hitting mitts is completely fucking different than fighting somebody.

Don't ever get fucking confused about it. So forget about Justin Fortune, that motherfucker, he throws people out of that gym. If you don't do the work, he throws you out of there. I've seen him throw fucking people out of there. He does that Saturday morning cardio killer down there. He'll throw fucking people out of there. They're not doing the job.

You don't give a fuck about money. A lot of people in this town, you know, they wanna pay you, they want you to take it easy on them. I know Jiu Jitsu guys. I know there's two types of Jiu Jitsu schools in Hollywood. There's Eddie Bravo's Jiu Jitsu and like the kid here in Burbank that I called for you, that he has wrestling in Alberto Crane.

Those are schools that are pretty good Jiu Jitsu schools. Then you have other schools that are affiliates that the guy teaching you is a fucking blue bell and they take it easy on you. These are for business guys that wanna learn, like they just wanna tell their friends they're in Jiu Jitsu, you know what I'm saying? You see those guys at the UFC with their wives and fakedits

and they're like, arm bar, but they know, you know, a fucking arm bar, we tell them, you got those fake fucks that go to Jiu Jitsu just part time. They know an arm bar, they know like an old Maplata, they know a couple of Escapes and right away they're fucking black belts and Jiu Jitsu, you know, when they're around there, waspy fucking friends and oh yes, he takes Jiu Jitsu.

Oh my goodness, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I think I'm gonna ask you for a Scotty's number because I work kinda close to there. So that's what I need is someone. Where's your office at? Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills, yeah, Scotty's close to there.

And the problem I have with Scotty, Scotty's a great guy but I have to go see him in the afternoons. And you know what, man, every time it takes past 10 o'clock to work the later it gets to fucking worse, I don't wanna fucking stay, like I hate working out. Oh, I can't do early. Really? You can't do, oh no, like right now when you get out of here,

I'm considering going early. Like there's a full body workout at the Y, there's like a spandex scope at the Y, that's fucking tremendous, that's some chick yells at you, chick yells. She just had a kid, she's kinda cute, her name is Noel. She's really kinda cute, she just had a second baby and she yells, she's got the ponytail

and she does the spin class and the whole fucking deal. You know, listen guys, what we're trying to do here is, you know, for years I worked around at 4.15, I'm at like three something down, I gotta tell you. I used to have this karate teacher, he used to teach Tanksudo and he used to say, listen, Joey, one day a week. Starts a one day a week.

If you can do one day a week, you're being good shaped. So, you know, all of us that are doing this church thing, even if you walk, man, just tweet me, Joey, I went for a fucking walk today. I'm starting this process, we're all gonna get fucking healthy together. There's no reason why we're a bunch of obese motherfuckers. There's no reason why we should give a fuck

if the Twinkie company's going out of business. You know, I mean, we're living a land of fat fucks. How the fuck the Twinkies going out of business? You know why? Cause Twinkies suck, that shit sucks. Dog, I love Twinkies. I grew up on Tankwees, Twinkies, Yodels. I grew up on all that shit in the East Coast.

And I remember one time my mother buying a box of Twinkies and Yodels told me to go to Philadelphia on a school trip. I ate the whole box of Twinkies before midnight. I stayed up all night from that fucking sugar. I mean, I was up all night fucking playing with my sweater. My mom was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? What are you doing up? I kept lying to her.

She's like, did you eat those Twinkies? Fuck no. But those fucking Twinkies are terrible now. Are you the Twinkie lately? No, no, no. Like I've been Twinking for like three or four years. I went somewhere and somebody goes, yeah, take out Twinkie. They're fucking terrible.

So I'm not surprised they went out of business. But that's why I do this on Mondays. It can't all be about kidnapping people and bit slapping and getting your dick sucked. We got to bring it in here with a little healthy, you know what I'm saying? So thank you very much for behind the time. What do you got for me for Musical.ly? Do you want to do the last Hard Times one or?

No, no. What do you got for Musical.ly? We got some black keys. Let's do a little black keys for Uncle Joey here. Get this fucking party started. It's Monday, motherfuckers. Get out there. Do what you want to do.

I know it's been a little rough. Listen, it's six weeks from the fucking holidays. Where's the Musical.ly? It's six weeks from the holidays. If you don't fucking get out there now, you're going to be broke at the holidays. And nothing sucks worse than being broke. Hit it, Lee.

What? Hello. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Hey, look at how it's going to be. It's lovely. It's all there. It's just lovely. Okay.

There you go. What's up? What's up? What's up? Hey, man. What's up? Look at the pants. Have a look.

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

Hey, look at that. You got it. For people who don't know this is a live recording. I'm just blown away You don't think they fucking know Lee they know they know by listening to it put the music up Hit it I He's taking a fuck the face December 20 friends that's game in the world show Lisa yeah

With one I Lisa yeah What's up, baby It's fucking Monday Lee get it together you over there for I asked you if you slept last night I didn't walk in here looking like Zombo Judy. You got the beat. It's 5 30 in the morning I fucking 30 tomorrow. You got to be up. You got to go to bed early. I do some jumping jacks. I'm ready to go I had to call me. I had the reefer. I had the anti fucking whatever anti whatever the fuck I don't even know I'm gonna be blasted the whole day. I ain't a brownie for these fucking people this morning

I took a bullet to the fucking head you show up here. You don't even do a bong hit out of respect You want to play with Harry where the fuck he went that cock sucking cat? Yeah, it's Monday morning the church of what's happening now Let me give some shout outs to some of the motherfuckers I got to give love to my man Jeff Donnelly the podcast pit the smokest cigars Phil silk Steven Ortiz. I love you fucking talking about the coach house restaurant in Jersey City Charlie Bakeover in England stay black you bad motherfucker. Who's this Ronel El Primo and Dillson Rankin? I love you guys. Don't forget about I'm that on it dot com go over there Get some fucking pills start your week off right the Christmas are coming

You want to look good at the holidays you want to show up at these fucking parties with a bulge in your pants and your stomachs Oh, you want that dick put a sweat sock in your fucking bowl for me an extra 20. What are you laughing about Lee Cox sucker? No wonder I never heard you want to go to this Christmas party with a bulge in your face. You got to do something You got a sling dick. It's the fucking holidays. Nobody wants to be broke. Nobody wants to be depressed It starts today motherfuckers get out there go stab somebody. I don't give a fuck what you got to do Lisa Yeah, I returned all the emails last night. I love you guys, but enough is enough. It's Monday. You know I'm saying What do you want from me? I did oh and fucking to yesterday by the way my football. Let me tell you something They're killing people this year. I know some guy called hit me on Facebook. He had 19 fucking pics

Ravens this that listen, it's hard enough to pick one guy. I'm hitting 90% Yeah, I know everybody's hitting fucking 90% give me a fucking breather. I'm 49 fucking years I've been around the block a thousand times, but you've been hitting 90% on Facebook. Give me a fucking break All right, you had one good fucking week. Nobody can pick 90% of your pain This guy told you call me back with eight teams. He had eight fucking teams and roll it with them Are you fucking retarded guy? What are you? What's wrong with you? You cannot pick eight teams every week You cannot I'm 49 years old. I've seen I've seen guys get lucky one weekend. Oh, I'm gonna do a roll and pick this You don't think you're gonna be picking as your ass the sperm buckets from taking up the ass to make fucking

Bookie in the loan shark that you're gonna be doing so please and that's what your nine fucking pick rotation stupid People have a hard time picking one fucking game. Yeah, nobody covered yesterday. I don't think Baltimore covered. They're playing San Diego They had to be giving them 29 fucking points. Yeah, they came back. Yeah. Yeah, they had to come back and cover They but they to win, you know, I had a who did I have I love New Orleans. They fell apart against the rookie You're absolutely right. You had Oakland. I had Oakland get nine points. I thought fucking Oakland just socks They just an embarrassment to the NFL and I love California I love you fucking guys walking around and being loyal, but enough is enough You guys are being loyal to do a fucking team with the skulls on them and shit. You think you're cool. This team sucks

They really suck. I mean, you know what at least play the fucking game These guys don't even play and then when they lose they start a fistfight. Did you see that? You know, I didn't see that they started a fucking fistfight. Yeah, I mean, this isn't football no more, man This is embarrassing the shit. I'm saying. Yeah, the last two Dallas lose again Yeah, they lost on Thursday Dallas lost again this fucking weekend The Giants won. Can it unbelievably? They killed them. They killed Green Bay. I told you that fucking kid sucks against shitty teams But he goes bananas against great teams. That's just the way it is with that guy

Yeah, what's his name little Manning and fucking Peyton is a fire. I love yeah, I love that bad motherfucking You know what like I told you by the third game I thought they would have knocked them out boy was I wrong boy was I fucking wrong He's the best fucking corner back out there right now. That's true. They run that fucking know how to laugh It's they're gonna kill you up in Colorado. No, you're not gonna be able to breathe and he's got his lungs now He's acclimated that one-legged motherfucker. He's gonna start killing people here pretty soon next year It should be pretty crazy cuz like like he they keep saying that oh his neck still hurts and he's still learning the offense I think next year next year. What about this fucking year? I don't think they're good enough to win the Super Bowl or anything

I'm hoping for a Patriots Giants again, and we have to what record is see that's what see that's well That's why I don't like your heart get involved. You have to look at things for what they are What's Denver Broncos record? Give me two seconds But yeah, the fucking Broncos Broncos are tough man. I didn't think they were gonna be this fucking tough But they are very tough Watch that pussy Yama stay cocksuckers. Watch that monkey. It's a beautiful Monday to be alive here Lee What the fuck you should know all these things you're supposed to be a football connoisseur here. What's their record?

You don't know what their record is There are eight and three eight fucking three who have they lost? They I knew they'll I know the loss of the Patriots Both games or one game I don't I think they only played them once Let's find out who they lost to But yeah, it's it's crazy and then Pittsburgh is down is down the drain like I'm not a huge fan of Roffusberger, but they can't do anything without him So they lost to Atlanta Houston and the Patriots. They lost the three great teams great teams

And that was early on so they lost back-to-back Atlanta. Yeah, so they're gonna get fucking tough That's the teams that you got to be scared of because those motherfuckers get tough. Look at this Exclusive star Ray Lewis to return they gave that mother. He's gonna return. He's returning. Holy shit. Fuck a knife He's back bitches. You understand me. So that's just how it works out Lee I gotta go to New York and I let these people go out of New York to shoot a pilot for a few days I do not know if there's gonna be a Wednesday podcast on the air But we'll definitely put one up for these people. Okay, all right So I definitely don't I won't know if I'm doing one live Wednesday morning, but I'm definitely and I'm sorry

I'm not going to Austin with Joe Rogan Duncan Trussell and red band are going I gotta shoot this pilot I gotta get it out of the way because I got to be back here. Just in case my wife fucking busts You know, I thought I had more time They they offered me a gig in Vegas for Brian Cowan so I could showcase for these club owners So I got a lot on my fucking plate. So it's no misunderstanding. Also. I want to give a shout out not a shout out I want to send my condolences to Kevin McHale his daughter went after Euro from Lupus, let me tell you something for you guys who don't know who fucking Kevin McHale was You have no fucking idea him Robert Parrish and bird in the back. You have no fucking idea

So I want to send my condolences to his family. I can't even imagine losing a daughter Especially when that's 22 years old and that's Italy. It's a phenomenal fucking Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive Einstein was what he was but what we're trying to say is to go out there and get healthy That's all I'm trying to do man. No, and he was uh, it was and he sounds young. He's pretty young, isn't he? He's a young kid Einstein. He's 28 29 dirty, you know, Einstein's a bad to the bone actor He's that movie black and white and he goes off on fucking Robert Downey, Jr. He's really faggot and shit So if you ever see black and white there's a part when they're on a boat and there

It's I think his wife is played by the chick that I went to see play the exorcist the tall chick that was an endless love I can't remember what her name was but Einstein is so fucking good and black and white When he tells Robert Downey, Jr. They get the fuck out of his face. I don't want to hang out with no faggots and shit So I signed if you want to check out jiu-jitsu. Einstein is selling any Bravo stuff over 10 planet in Century City It's weird. Eddie Bravo has a couple different black belts. He's got Denny. He's got Joe He's got and I heard that all of them have some alder that's up in Van Nuys and I heard they all have a A Different way of teaching 10 planet style, which is the high guard and the rubber guard and whatnot

So if you're into that stuff, please Support my brother Eddie Bravo. Like I said on it got calm go there if you're going to order anything From the head protein to the strong bone to the fucking new mood to the shroom tech sport any of that stuff Please press put church in the button c h u r c h So people know that they're listening here. I will be at the madhouse comedy club December 13th tickets are online Eight o'clock a thursday night show Eliza Slesinger will be across town. That's sexy, bitch We'll be over at the american comedy company on a big fan of hers go see her also And that's it you bad motherfuckers. It was a great monday morning. I'm happy that you guys gave us a chance

You're listening to us today. I wasn't that stoned today. I didn't feel that funny You're not that stoned. No, but they all can't be about ha ha's and he You know i'm saying lee what what music you got to close this motherfucker out there. I have all my love All my love by who? Oh, you're gonna play a little slow tune today, huh? I don't know. So one of the lads up ones that came up. Do you want to do something else? Sure. We gotta give them how about a whole lot of love All my love is slow. It's about karat dying his son dying. You're gonna fucking

Send me off with death cocksucker. You got to send me off with something Send these people off for the beautiful day to be alive type tune, you know All right, a little Led Zeppelin whole lot of love. Oh, you know something good. All right, let's see what they got Give me two seconds Because this is one of the best jams of all time You know, it's funny about three weeks ago I got really fired and edible and I went for the y and I was hitting the bag or something I usually hit the bag for 35 then I get on the bike by the time I got on the bike

The adrenaline in the fucking bag had just put me into what's going on with the musically It doesn't add to give me 20 seconds push me into a different dilemma And I listened to whole lot of love. It's the last uh like one of the last two songs on the uh on my ipod Let me tell you something and hadn't heard because you take those music that kind of music for granted You're like, I've heard this a thousand times this is stay away to heaven if you haven't heard that shit Put it on some time. We ready Lee. Yeah, you mean hit it. It's two seconds. I told you 20 seconds 15 seconds ago So this is the thing about this type of music that you have to uh You have to uh, you know, even though you won't want to listen to it you

Here we go These are the bbc sessions or something It's just this whole lot of love Oh, shit, we don't fuck up with this no more. Let me don't make me call dick sciat Come over here bit slap you to death All my love whole lot of love. Have a great fucking monday. Have a great last week in november You got 25 days to christmas or whatever it is Have a great day stay black motherfuckers. Lee throw him a kiss

Bye guys. Blast that shit Lee My love