Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #115 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Monday, November 15th..... This episode is called “You can beat this.” This episode is brought to you by Better Help, Onnit & Zip Recruiter….. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY & Try it for FREE! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's monday the 15th of november the joint is brought to you by onic.com listen to best supplements in the world i've been doing business with them for close to 12 to 13 years i love the alpha brain i love the shroom tech immune and the energy i love new mood on it is a great company alpha brain is their main supplement uh if you try alpha brain and you don't like it you get your money back and you can keep the product you're like joey what's alpha brain it's the tropics for your mind it'll make you more focused it'll make you sharper and it's led me to you guys this is part of my therapy i've been doing my alpha brain the black label which is a little better than the original alpha brain comes in powders it comes in already made drinks

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to live it to your motherfucking house the joint is also brought to you by zip recruiter i told you guys a couple weeks ago i put like a fake resume in there and they hit me up with 10 things every day zip recruiters the real deal all we feel and here's the fact for you right now there's over 10 million job openings like i told you 10 million job openings but only 7.6 million people looking for work so if you got a job opening you need and above and beyond to get qualified people companies are doing everything they can to get people to work for them free child care work from home massages yoga everything if you need help building your team do me a favor whether you got a big company or small company go to ziprecruiter.com slash joey zip recruiter uses

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you greetings you bad motherfuckers uncle joey here with the joint it's monday the 15th of the month we're at the fucking halfway that's it we got six weeks left in this fucking year six weeks left in 2021 i'm fired to fuck up my dick is hard thinking about 2022 seriously man it's been a fucking roller coaster so i just want this shit to fucking end and let's get this motherfucker started i'm expecting the surge in december like it's surging all over the country so we're gonna get a little surge in the east coast once everybody goes inside but we'll be alive and kicking by february you just gotta fucking you know don't get yourself in no

corona situations in december and january so you can see santa claus i mean i don't even know santa claus gonna show that motherfucker he has to show a proof of vaccination so to get into most states so i don't even know fucking santa's gonna do what he's supposed to do it was a great weekend i'm sorry about the generator noise the power went out and the fucking neighborhood a tree went down or you could hear a fucking generators in my neighborhood thank god it was the first thing i got when we got here we got here on the first of september and we ordered a generator on the fourth because they told us that power goes out the trees go down these motherfuckers don't come to tree i i'm down here like you know what's that dude that used to live in the mountains jeremiah

johnson like fucking trees everywhere but what are you gonna do they go down you fucking uh you live and we got the generator let me tell you something i went out last night it was fucking dark i mean when that you could really see the difference what street lights do for you and it's already dark down here is it is this is fucking darkness and he had you down but last night with no power holy shit all you were living on was high beams it really is a fucking uh weird adventure thank god i didn't do shit this weekend i mean i did the usual stuff with the family the ufc was fucking great two weeks in a row yahir rodriguez against fucking max hollow way i did not bet the fight i didn't even bet yesterday i just wanted to watch that fight i was busy and i sat down and i

got home for that fight i think it started at quarter six and i gotta tell you those two fucking guys i take my hat off to them that was a hell of a fucking brawl they beat themselves up with everything with the kitchen sink oh my god they for his foot look like mine about just that it looked like my foot without the fungi toe i mean it was fucking huge the fight was just spectacular and i'll tell you i was one of the first naysayers of the ufc when they went to fight island i didn't think they could pull it off i gotta take my hats off to dana white he's done a great job and i'm sitting there watching this fight and all of a sudden for some reason you know the fight's over i'm gonna eat dinner and i'm about to go upstairs and my buddy caught me goes go on twitter

look at some chick that pissed on a guy in some fucking concert they tone up beach holy fuck i was in shock of how much piss came out of that fucking monkey that poor guy he's dead he drowned i don't know everybody keeps talking about the disaster in astral world what about the disaster and dating that chick with that god knows what was in a piss fentanyl with what the fucking guy was on the floor whatever but but when i went down there to when i went to look at billy's post about the chick i saw this fucking video of connor mcgregor mad dogging the tv like the tv was on with max holloway and connor mcgregor had his fucking chest flexed and his back flexed and he's just walking back and forth looking at fucking max holloway like saying shit and i'm like this poor bastard

this poor bastard doesn't know that this sport isn't waiting for him anymore like that doing like by that fight last night what i saw two nights ago saturday night that fucking fight i was like where the fuck is connor mcgregor gonna fit in all this is he gonna fight max holloway that that's not gonna fucking happen i don't even think he can hold his own against jair i mean you know time is just passing you by that's just to let you know though you got injured or something like this in sports and i've said it before whether it's the ufc the mba the nfl whatever the fuck it is like i never knew that the longevity of a running back was three years i never knew that when i found that fact out i fucking died i was like that's it so that means like the guys that i followed like barry

sanders and fucking all those guys i liked when i was young and the guy from the kid that was cowboys and all those guys they were like one of 20 like you know how hard it is to make it in the nfl you're like one of fucking 20 and that's why you have to take care of yourself like you know all those great players that are like you know uh the guy from fucking san francisco not joe montana but the receiver jerry rice i mean they weren't running backs and stuff like that but now you understood why they took care of themselves like around it wasn't just a football season like those guys got to lift weights they got to fucking go to yoga you have to do so much to be at that elite level of professionalism because that's what happens injuries an injury could set you back so fucking like i go to jiu-jitsu

i'm an old fucking man i go to jiu-jitsu but i know that if i don't lift weights and i don't do a little bit of yoga from time to time and i don't fucking stretch at night i know i could pull something like i did two years ago with the fucking hamstring i walked out of the house with a tight hamstring if you have a fucking board and you freeze that motherfucker you know it's easier to break it'll just fucking snap and that's what happened to my fucking hamstring so that's why i stretch there's so much it's like there's so much to be a stand-up comic it's just not you know i thought when you got into stand-up comedy that you just walked up on the stage and cracked jokes i didn't know about the writing i really didn't if you guys think dog i knew nothing about

the mechanics of stand-up comedy but i always thought that a guy just called the club and said what are you guys doing tonight oh nothing well we're just down here fucking eating fucking ribs this is Joey Diaz i'm gonna come down and do like 48 minutes do you have a camera we could dust one up it's in the basement all right see if you could tape it because i want to fucking send it to HBO tonight i thought that's what it was i really did i didn't know that you had a right you had to work out you had to go out on stage every fucking night and then when you get to that level of comedy like you're like okay i'm doing great i'm writing i'm doing this but then you start drinking you start fucking the waitress you start fucking lying to the book

and now you get the other end of comedy which is you know now is when you have to put the brakes on and go okay that's what i'm gonna do that's not what i'm gonna do i'm not gonna fucking he waits i'm not gonna fuck the owner's daughter i'm not gonna do this i'm not gonna snort coke and you see what works for you after a while you know you just see what fucking goes but three four years ago you know how hard it was to be me like what went into that i respect those chappels and i respect the rogans and i respect bird crisis not you know we don't get paid to get on stage and crack jokes we do that for free that's just free we get paid for getting on a plane losing our luggage having to get up at five in the morning dealing with an uber driver that

don't speak english not to mention he's got stink coming out of his armpit that you can't even sit in the back seat you got to open up old windows and it's winter time you know these are the things they don't pay me to go on stage i do that for free i do that because i fucking love it i get paid it's like when you shoot a movie you get what scale 680 a fucking day oh shit the powers back on there you go see how see what happens guys you just got to be fucking patient everybody was jumping up and down mike came he's like people gonna hear the compressor listen what are they rather hear the compressor or the podcast on a monday this is monday this is liberation here but they go so much work goes into being a fucking stand-up comic you know when you have a band when you have

five guys in the band like i just i just heard something that mick jagger books all his own plane tickets like he books the bands playing tickets and shit like that you know there's people that are very hands-on i was very hands-on people always said to me well you need an assistant that's what i need a fucking assistant i can't i couldn't tell somebody what to do you know i'm saying like oh can you pick up my dry cleaning you know what an assistant is in hollywood for you people who are going to college and going well i'll get my job as an assistant now meet people no you're not gonna meet nobody you're not gonna meet other dog walkers that's who you're gonna meet when you're walking dogs you're gonna meet other assistants when you go to the dry cleaners to pick up some

jerk off shirts that's who you're gonna meet you're gonna meet the plumber on a saturday when he's out of town at a concert and you had plans that your girlfriend but his pipe's broke and you got to go to his house and call a fucking plumber and wait there like a fucking slave because that's basically what a fucking assistant is to you i didn't want somebody i could tell what to do that does not sound cool to me at all when people call me and they're like i have my assistant call you i'm like i hope he doesn't because i'm done doing business with you who you know it's like when a comedian has an assistant i tells you a lot about that fucking person i don't want to be around that motherfucking assistant i got a guy that helps me out but i don't need a guy getting me fucking water

i don't need a guy walking my dog i don't need a guy you know i'm saying i wouldn't do that to somebody that's just fucking uh cold-blooded shit but anyway i don't know what the fuck we're talking about there it's monday we got six weeks left in the fucking year i've had a lot of time to think lately i've had a lot of time to think about my life you know the things i did what was wrong on top of that i'm writing a fucking book which you get daily reminders of your life and you know now i'm we're past a lot of shit we're on the chapters where we just meet terry we're like on 2003 and stuff like that you know i was looking at the outline she sent me some chapters this weekend erica i love her the debts she's doing a fucking phenomenal job and she sent me

some chapters and you got to read them you know you got to sit there and read them it takes a while and i wasn't doing much so i was just fucking reading the chapters and i started reading like the earlier chapters just to see how it's flowing i think she sent me like i don't know four chapters and then i had i wanted to read the four prior to see how it's flowing you know it took about an hour no big fucking deal but i got to the chapter about quitting cocaine and i was reading through it and i had to stop like i had to stop take my glasses off stretch my eyes and i had to go what the fuck am i reading the shit i was reading was something that yes i recognize and yes i understood it but it was so real that it brought memories back to me like i

was like what the fuck you know like i still remember one of my low points on drugs she didn't even know it until this day she doesn't know i had terry drive me to cop one night i was so fucking paranoid they're throwing them on it and i made up some fucking story and i'm like terry you gotta drive me to this guy's house i gotta get weed i can't drive i had alcohol on my breath i was coked out to the max thank god it was dark out you know she couldn't really i mean she i could catch her staring at me looking at my face to see what the fuck was going on with this kid but you know she drove me and when i went inside it had to be fucking 4 30 in the morning you know when i came out i got in the fucking car and we drove away she didn't know but in

the back of my mind she didn't know you know we went home she went to bed i did my junky shit and i went to bed you know eight hours later in the daytime or something and a few days later she asked me she goes why were you in there so long you know the cops drove by at one time and i was like you know it just happens when you go in they were playing a nintendo game or whatever i don't know what excuse i told her but i gotta tell you something i read that chapter the other day like i just read a few paragraphs and it just kicked me in the stomach you know i quit cocaine i didn't celebrate it this year on the podcast so we're gonna celebrate it now i quit cocaine november 3rd 2007 i remember that i started to quit in uh like february 2007

and i i still remember saying this to myself i still remember where i was how i was sitting i had a notebook out and i was journaling and i'm like i really want to get off coke in my journal every day and at that time i would i would write the journal but i would also include weekly goals and daily goals and i started doing the daily goals because i really wanted to get the coke away from me so i had to reiterate it every morning i would get up and write you know i want to be healthy i want to quit doing cocaine i want to you know improve my stand up and i want to keep writing and you know everything i wrote i remember that i would zero in on what like five or six of the daily goals and five of them were goals that i wanted to reach but i knew

i could not reach while i was doing cocaine like i like i remember looking at them and going this is fucking ridiculous that i'm writing this out because i'm just gonna keep doing it again today but i didn't matter to me i kept writing it and writing it every day daily goals quit cocaine be a better boyfriend you know a fucking uh kill at the comedy store everything that i really wanted wasn't gonna happen until i quit cocaine and i remember that maryland martin has died november third it's the same day as rick ramo's birthday god rest his soul i was headed to new york i came to new york to do the whole bokeh and police department benefit and the north bergen basketball team benefit and i'm not gonna lie nobody that friday that's saturday friday night i had

the whole bokeh and benefit i was surrounded by cops you know i did my thing a couple friends went down to the senior and i remember that i made a promise that weekend i said i'm gonna go do this thing for the cops sorry about that i'm gonna do this thing for the basketball team and i'm gonna really really really try not to get high i was really upset about maryland i wasn't in my whole town crying or nothing but i was upset about maryland because she had told me like two weeks earlier when i went to visit her they sent the home to die you know and i went to visit her and she was talking to me about whatever you know about comedy that she came back to comedy she wasn't gonna curse i still remember that conversation i was sitting really close to her she was in one

of those medical beds and it was you know up like that i'll never forget that she looked at me we were talking about just general you know like she's like the hospital sucked the food you know whatever and then she said to me you know i'll stand up going i go it's good the store misses you and she goes you know if i ever get to do comedy again god wants me to do clean comedy and i'm like holy shit this chick is dying she's talking about god and shit you know like i'm like what the fuck and she just kept telling me what she was gonna do if she'd be cancer she was gonna do comedy she was gonna be clean she was gonna lose weight she was gonna take care of the self she was gonna do all these things she said that she had been slipping with her life

and that's why she got the cancer and shit like that and that she didn't want to die we had a great fucking chat and in the middle of all that chat she was talking about god and you guys know when people mention god i get fucking nervous it's like a fag with a whistle i just i don't like that i got a friend that talks about god all the time i love him dearly every time we talk on the phone he throws like 20 gods at me and shit and i'm like wow but i love him to death and i gotta fucking put up with it but that's his bag so i don't even know what the fuck i was talking about but anyway uh no no i was just fucking around you know people talk about god a lot driving me fucking crazy somebody and and maryland i love maryland dearly she's telling me all this

shit about what her plans are and in the middle of all this she goes and god wants you to stop doing cocaine and i remember looking at her and going where the fuck did that come from but i was like okay maryland i'll work on it she's don't know god wants you to stop doing the joy and there was people in the room nobody heard her say it to me but i was kind of embarrassed because she was just doing what a good friend would do she was like these are the reasons why you gotta quit coke you know you have god wants you to quit coke you gotta quit you know these are the reasons why you're gonna be a better person you're gonna be a better comic and all this shit i'm like i don't see that you know i didn't see that nothing i didn't see becoming a better comic or a better person

i never saw myself quitting coke it just had such a hold to me and by the time that shit happened with maryland i was already experiment i was already experimenting with the fuck is wrong with me i was already doing heroin on monday nights i mean i was fucking down you know but i remember being in that i was in a hotel room in sea caucus new jersey and i forget those hotels what they called it wasn't the best hotel in the world yeah it was it wasn't even a motel six it was something else and i remember sitting there going what the fuck you know when i got the call that maryland dial i'm like what the fuck and i had called my buddy to start looking for fucking blower and i go look around you know let me know if you could find something it was

friday night i was coming back from hoboken and that's when i got the call that maryland had passed i remember i got back to my hotel room i'm like wow maryland went you know this is not good bye bye you know i felt bad for her husband she you know maryland was good at the comedy store she was great at the comedy store i felt bad for the store they were gonna move lose a you know lose a good soldier and i remember my friend calling me going listen i get the package but i could be there at midnight and i remember sitting there closing my eyes and going you know what i'm gonna not do coke tonight for maryland i didn't say that to him i said it to myself i go i'm not gonna do coke tonight tonight november third i'm not gonna do coke just for maryland and i remember that hung up

the phone with him and i'm like fuck i made a mistake you know like fuck and i'm like you know what let's try it let's try it smoke a joint watch some tv do something different i remember like i one in the morning i was like wasn't that bad wasn't that bad and i went to sleep saturday i woke up that my friends are picking me up we're gonna eat this that the cemetery and i remember i went to do my show in north bergen that night and where i could get coke was right there like three guys came and they're like we got a package if you need it i'm like okay good to know and i remember that i went into the back they didn't have a green room this wasn't like a comedy club and i went in my pocket and i took out like whatever 125 bucks he said he had

a half eight or something like that and i remember i put it like i separated from the other money and put it in my right pocket so i can make the drug transaction nice and clean you know what i'm saying just give it to him put it right back in my pocket and i remember i bumped into him like twice like after the fucking comedy show we talked a little bit and i kept telling him give me 10 minutes i'm waiting for a friend of mine to call me to see if i should pick up an eight ball or whatever i told him that like two or three times i finally go you know what i'm in seacorkers they'll take any any of these drug dealers will take him 15 minutes to bring it to me again i'm not gonna buy it i'm just gonna fucking go home and if i need it i'll just call him he'll

bring it i went home that night started packing thought about my week upcoming fell asleep got up got on the plane and came home i'm on the plane ride from newark to la i was like i can't believe i didn't get high two nights in a row guys that might not be anything to you but at that time i couldn't keep it together for more than a fucking day i was at that point already i was trying to space it out two days three days and i get high again you know i was telling somebody asked me how am i feeling lately about three weeks ago and i said i'm feeling great but my mind feels like i did coke last night like i couldn't grab the focus whenever i did coke the night before i wouldn't have good comedy sets it was just a given like my sets were gonna be 50 percent you

know i don't because when you do stand up you have to that those words have to go through your heart that's the you ever you ever have like a stereo system and you have to adjust the bass and the treble and the volume all that shit and then you'll the music sounds good when you do stand up comedy you have to do the same thing you have to adjust the levels to your heart because the material the the jokes pass through your heart if you got no heart it doesn't have a fucking filter and that's why aero smith was having a hard time performing live all those years black sabbath was having a hard time performing live all those years tell you they'll tell you what you know ringo star you remember ringo star for years and the friends have put together fucking tours and shit like that

they never finished the tour because everybody gets coked out ringo star put out a fucking tour and a live concert that he sued the production company because they didn't want it to air because everybody was so fucking coked out and so wasted this is no fucking joke you know it's it's funny you know everybody goose on ringo star you know that ringo star is great i love ringo just the fact that he's still alive he's got a great fucking attitude this guy knows he was the luckiest man in the fucking world that some people walk around their whole fucking life that it didn't really they accomplished something but they're like me listen i started acting like stand up i just got lucky but with the acting it was because of big pussy and the soprano so everybody wanted a

double big big pussy and i was right there to fill the fucking void and listen they got my foot in the fucking door so am i gonna complain what i'm gonna tell you know i'm saying like what am i gonna fucking cry about it so when i fucking got back to LA i'm like i don't know how i'm gonna keep this going this two days oh two fucking days that was now i had already met with those guys for Boilermaker i did this movie Boilermaker that i fucking loved the movie i loved the script when they came to me it was supposed to be a big budget production but then they went out and they could only come up that that movie so funny Boilermaker because the guy that set that whole deal up was a guy listen to let me just tell you about LA okay for that this is funny you're gonna you

guys gonna love this story i'm a fucking creep you understand me i put guns to people's heads i've done some shitty fucking things when i was young that was a long fucking time ago today i'm a nice christian fucking man or whatever you want to say i get i i don't bother nobody this motherfucker this is why i say to you guys that hollywood people are just fucking nuts and they'll do anything and last year like i'm still i'm gonna do a podcast pretty fucking soon i'm gonna lay it out for you motherfuckers like i'm still a little pissed about what they did to delia and those guys last year i'm not i'm i'm fucking furious that they went after delia especially knowing that delia was slinging dick every fucking night and it wasn't delia that was

on it was like he was addicted to sex women were throwing themselves at fucking chris delia i'm sick and tired of hearing this shit about oh well even with me well joey got his dick so what do you think those women were forced to suck a dick those women knew exactly what they were gonna fucking do okay and i'll get fucking 10 people to come in here and tell you the fucking same story if you don't know hollywood shut your fucking mouth about it you don't know how creepy it is you don't know how what what the extent of what people would do who would fuck harvey weinstein have you taken a good look at fucking harvey weinstein you ever look at a guy i don't know if you're a guy you're a female if you're a guy you ever look at a guy and go robert redford is a good-looking fucking

dude doesn't take a genius to look at brad piton go that motherfucker get his dick sucked anyway he want he got his dick sucked on a blind farm you know what i'm saying that there's just some motherfuckers like even a man will go that doesn't mean i'm gay or i have feelings for the guy i'm just saying you look at a guy you're like you know you gotta admit chris cornell was a good-looking dude him being able to sing and play the guitar put him over the top they just throw a pussy at him you know they just throwing at him like a fucking frisbee you know but the creepiness of la would happen the last two years where all these people get waking up and saying that this guy did this to me and this guy did that to me let me tell you something you put yourself in a bad position

let's dig deep into this fucking situation what were you doing at that comedy club anyway dog i could tell you stories for hours about women that went up there looking for something to do to suck a dick to advance their careers that's what they were doing with harvey winstein when you look at harvey winstein even if you're a guy you look at him go jesus christ he's a bit rough you could tell his feet smell you could tell his ass fucking stinks it's like looking at me you're like joey's feet stink i could tell by looking at him he's a fat dude his asshole definitely fucking smells he talks about restaurants and shit all the time you know his balls stay you know you you ever just look at somebody and go i could tell that dude's got stinky fucking breath or

whatever you know you could tell fucking uh whatever his fucking name is harvey winstein he's a fucking pig but guys the fact remains the same women sucked his dick to get on fucking tv and film that's the bottom line guys you can never take that away from him he didn't put a gun to nobody said anything about guns or whatever it was just a straight up deal i got a roll for you you sniffed my nutsack the roll is yours you know let me go home and think about it two days later they come back with binocca you know with their head down with one eye on you i think i want to do it but i'm not sure i've never done this before no you've never done this before you've been working mental all your fucking life you know and now you're working at the extreme fucking

height that you could do it and that's what's going on in fucking holly but let me tell you the other side that the guy that got this movie you ready for this got a dui got arrested he got court ordered you know uh dui therapy and he got court ordered uh AA meetings he went to a couple AA meetings and he realized that a lot of industry was there so what he did was he fucking did the program for 90 days did the fucking whatever this guy had big money so he paid the attorney got off whatever i'm not mad at that i'm not mad at anything to be honest i'm just telling you the what people will do this guy was getting high i still remember him

like being at gigs and going he was like a manager and he would come to see his clients and i still remember like him drinking having a conversation with him and him going oh shit i can't drink tonight and i'm like what do you mean you can't drink i can't have alcohol on my breath i got to go to a nine o'clock AA meeting and i'm like do you drink and go to AA he goes i go to AA for the connections you can't beat him he goes all you people are fucking stupid he goes just fake it go to the fucking meetings you know tell him that you are trying to get sober from coke and whatever and they you know Theo Vaughn met what's the guy that was raping kids and shit he the people the guy from american beauty oh yeah yeah the guy who was fucking he got canceled for fucking uh you

know the guy who played kaiser so say whatever that guy Theo Vaughn was hanging out with him he met him at AA i don't know if you got you know AA in hollywood is a wide open fucking shoot him up but anyway this guy would go to meetings Kevin spacey you know yeah Theo was friend i'm gonna call him Theo one morning he's like i gotta call you back i'm having breakfast with Kevin spacey i'm like Kevin fucking spacey how did you meet Kevin spacey like i met him at AA meetings i'm like what the fuck you know i tried to go to a few AA meetings in LA when i was first trying to get clean they're not good they're fucking fine you know i like the new work meetings in 85 mr t took me to a couple meetings in Newark oh my god those AA meetings are raw people like i drank a pint a day

and people would yell fuck yo i was doing a gallon of vodka shut the fuck up you fucking pussy i was eating pills i was snorting heroin and you're in here for a pint of vodka go fuck yourself i'd be fucking island but in AA it's like this fucking fake scene like hi how are you i've been clean for fucking you know three weeks and my burp still smells like sperm you know the whole fucking deal you know so i went to a couple AA meetings and i'm like that this is not gonna work but he would go to AA meetings to fucking uh connections and shit and that's how he picked up the bag i'm not mad at him but i want you to think of what was done here and then i saw the show i was on on showtime by comedy store you know uh i'm dying up here whatever and i think one of the guys

for stage time used to go to AA meetings and just get up there and do 10 minutes and shit and then they got mad at him but then you know you look at that that's completely i don't know if that's fucking different but then you know what guys when i was the fucking open miker there was a poetry meeting and i used to crash the poetry meeting because i was going there with like a skinny cigarette and you know and just like yeah like a capri son the light capri whatever the fuck yeah i can't believe you remember capri they're little faggy cigarettes they're skinny oh you don't know how many nights i ran out of camel lights when you're doing coke and you got to go for that fucking somebody else's i used to get out with this chick all the time oh my god she used to drive me

crazy i didn't go over there for sex i just kind of liked to talk to on drugs but she was a boozer she would wear me to fuck out many a night i was over there smoking camel lights i'd run out of cigarettes and start smoking a little faggy capris oh my god they got me dizzy and gave me a headache and they were fucking skinny and shit yo they're fucking sucking the fucking capri like the penguin i would show up at those fucking poetry readings in bolder but that's completely different a AA meeting has got god around them like you're looking for a higher power and all that shit so i had to take a minute from the podcast to talk to you about better help online therapy i've been working with dana now for about five months from the beginning of my taper and she's

been nothing but knowledgeable helpful and tremendous we talk about better help a lot on this show and this month we're discussing some of the stigmas around mental health many people think therapies for so-called crazy people or weak people but therapy doesn't mean there's something wrong with you it means that you're recognizing your emotions and you're ready to learn to control them like i had the therapies a tool to utilize before things get worse better help is customized online therapy they offer phone video and even live chat sessions with your therapist in my case it was dana you don't have to see anyone on cam if you don't want to it's much more affordable an in-person therapy you don't need to be a millionaire and you can start communicating

with your therapist in less than 48 hours give it a try go to betterhelp.com right now pressing Diaz and what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna give you the first month 10 off your first month when you go to betterhelp.com slash Diaz that's better help b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p dot com slash Diaz take control of your life i did and i'm feeling 100 percent better thank you for watching the joint cock suckers you know it just bothered me but i remember when i went to meet with those guys for the movie and it wasn't him in the room because he would never say this to me and one of the guys said you know you have a drug abuse problem a substance problem and we want to know that you're gonna have it in check during this

movie and i remember that i felt like shit when he told me that i was very fucking embarrassed about that because i didn't want my drug used to fall into my comedy and into my acting but at that point it had stand-up was affecting you know towards the end of the longest yard my relationship with them was not any good my relationship was intact with adam but the producers knew about my substance abuse problem and i just shunned it off you know and when i went to talk to these guys about boiler maker if you could find the movie rented it's not a bad movie i did a good job in the movie that's the first time i was really loose in a movie i had to be there 20 i don't know one days in a row for this movie so when they offered me the movie that was the

yeah that was the fucking i was like i don't know if i could do this and i wanted to talk about this today but i didn't in a way but i thought that i've been reading a lot of the messages again lately a couple people on patreon a couple people on facebook a couple people twitter you know reach out to me and people are struggling with drugs they're finally coming to the conclusion that they're struggling with drugs this last two years has been very hard on some people it was hard on me i struggled for a little while so i know that it was hard for a lot of people so i want to just let you know that you're you're not alone and that you could beat this you know i thought about this last night about the podcast how i was going to present this to you the name of this podcast

is called how you can beat this because the far you know the thing that kills us the most as human beings is when we go to do our goals we think about them and while we're writing them we real i gotta be honest with you guys when i first started writing goals and doing all this type of shit i thought i was just kidding myself and i thought that i never thought i'd be on tv i never thought i you know when i tell you these things guys i'm honest with you guys i was in such a bad shape mentally i mean stand my stand-up was good i i was attentive i was enthusiastic but i never thought i could do anything because of my drug record because of where i came from and because of my felonies and that was a bad that stinking thinking is what they call that

shit right they call like stinking thinking sorry about the water bottle guys but it's part of growing the fuck up you know but i can't get away from what are you going to do a package class with ice cubes and then you'll complain about the fucking ice cubes if i get a fucking lunch thing with those canteens you'll complain about the fucking canteen so at the end of the day you're gonna complain about everything so who gives a fuck let me drink my water and peace and get hydrated here so i can have a good week like you cocksuckers but my point being is that uh i just you know don't ever when you're thinking about your sobriety when you're thinking about your goals when you're thinking about the things that you want to do don't write yourself off i did

that i wrote myself off and listen i still got to the places where i wanted to get to because i consistently wrote my goals every fucking day you know like right now i'm gonna go into deep waters i'm putting myself in the deep waters i gotta change my life around i'm very close so what do i have to do i gotta start writing daily goals yeah i journal yeah i do quality goals but you know what starting tomorrow fucking starting today as a matter of fact with this podcast ends i'm gonna start the daily goals because it's monday and daily goals could be anything but my daily goal for years was to quick cocaine and then i would put down quick cocaine how are you going to quick cocaine that was the fucking thing i didn't know the three things to answer

that's the other side of writing your goals when you write your goals it's so number one quick cocaine a b and c how are you going to quit what things what three things are you going to do to quit do you know what the crazy thing with me is i can never fill out a b and c so for me on a daily basis when i wrote out my goals a quick cocaine i didn't even know how to start to get there what how do you quit cocaine you go to a a i tried that you go to n a i tried that you go to rehab i tried that i tried an outpatient rehab not a six week in there with a bunch of momos chanting kumbaya i mean i tried you know i tried all that you try talking to a priest they wouldn't even take my calls anymore i talked to so many fucking priests so i wouldn't write anything

down i didn't even know where to start i remember that one day like in november when i came from maryland's that sunday that next day i thought about i go okay fucking maryland hit me with a message from god you know like a message in a bottle she was like fucking uh you know the singer from the police she gave me a little message from god okay am i gonna do this and i remember writing down the fucking most cliche is gayest thing i ever i wrote one day at a time i don't even know why i wrote that i just i didn't think i a a nothing i just wrote at one day at a time i'm gonna quit this one day at a fucking time and i remember i came back i had three days of being fucking sober and i got back on a sunday and monday morning i was four days of being sober

and i felt like i had fucking spiders in my skin i'm like this just doesn't feel good man and i was looking at the calendar like that friday i had a spot that thursday i had a spot i'm like i don't think i'm gonna make these fucking spots i just don't think i'm gonna do this shit so i said fuck it i'm gonna start shooting a movie on thursday that movie started on the thursday i got back from jersey on monday that movie started on a fucking thursday and i'll never forget that i was like it was three weeks from thanksgiving we were gonna end the day after thanksgiving so that friday and i was like how the fuck am i gonna fucking stay sober for three fucking weeks i got it i'll buy a bottle of nyquil i'll pull a jay more i'll buy a bottle of nyquil and nyquil

myself to death every time i have a fucking craving you know every time i have a fucking craving so i did the nyquil trick thursday night i think i did the nyquil trick on wednesday night and i did the fucking nyquil trick on a friday night yeah it makes sense now and that fucking saturday night i fucking went to the comedy store and they were having a benefit from maryland that monday i'll never forget i'm like how am i gonna fucking hold it together and that saturday night i said fuck it i'm not gonna hold it together i went and i got a package at the store one little package just a quick 50 just something to

and nobody would know i was like i'm not gonna be able to fucking do this and i'll never forget i got in the car i closed the car and as i got to the bottom of the hill the phone rang and it was my wife and she goes listen i'm going to bed i gotta get up early when you come home and you go to the bathroom the two cats are in there they're not doing too good and i'd be surprised if they'd make the night it was super bad and fucking uh jt whatever demi junior dj jt dj and i was like what the fuck are you talking about i was heartbroken in the car about dj i was about two or three weeks from bringing dj up to the fucking apartment he was just a little kitten super bad i wasn't too fucking crazy about i did not like him at all

because he would make dj run off and climb trees and shit i'm like i'm gonna kill this fucking cat one day i'd wake up in the mornings and super bad would have dj out in the fucking sidewalk i had a fence there and he would have him out in the sidewalk like all these cats are gonna get hit by a fucking car i gotta bring this motherfucker up too late my wife called me i was had it back from the store and she's like like i said when you come up the stairs and you walk in the bathroom be careful when you open the door because the two cats are in there and i remember i went home and i fucking i did a line in the bathroom and i put the coke away i put it all in my pocket i remember looking at the two cats and going what the fuck am i doing with my life

i got two cats are about to die in my bathroom and i'm doing fucking coke in the bathroom i would never ever bring coke upstairs i always would bring the package pull into my garage then it wasn't a garage it was an outdoor garage there was no door that went up or down you just pulled into it i don't know if you guys look at the old joey karate videos those garages those were the garages and i pulled in i would pull in at night i got no reason to lie to you motherfucker's i would buy a gram of the strongest coke you get your hands on and i would pick it up two blocks away and on the way home at the first light which was not labrea but it was the next street after labrea guys you're gonna have to remind me the big main street and i would pull

up to the light and they would usually be a car in front of me and there was a guy it was fountain and whatever the street was and there was a gas station over there uh we were talking about marky mark before his family warburg's their sandwich place the warburgers is right there on that street so it's like whatever there used to be a sushi place there there was a yoga place there but now today just to give you a landmark there's a fucking warburgers is there at that light i would crunch up as i was driving to that light he would give me a bindle like a baggy with one coke rock in there maybe a little tent the powder and i would crack that soft rock up with my hands because if it's the rock is hard it's been re-rocked if it's soft it's the real deal

mongoli field that's delivered from Pablo that way so i would get the rock crushing in my fucking finger roll up a dollar bill and at the light with a car in front of me and a car behind me i put the dollar bill in the bag and i just put up to my nose and go and whatever i snorted i snorted if three quarters of the bag went up three quarters of the bag went up if a half of the bag went up a half of the bag went up i didn't give a fuck i would fucking just uh do that and then when i pull into the house i'd have a little bit of the fucking juice in me you know what i'm saying i'd have a little bit of the juice in me and i'd fucking when i pull into the garage i'd close the gate and i'd go to my garage and i'd finish the other half of the bag

and then i'd run upstairs and i'd take a two foot shit from all the coke and the adrenaline running through your veins and shit so that's exactly what i did that night i did a little bump upstairs but for some reason i brought the coke with me in my pocket i ran up the fucking stairs and i uh opened the bathroom and i went to shit and there was super bad and dimmy and i had the last fucking uh spindle and i fucking did a fucking line in front of the cats and i remember how bad i felt like i was out there all night just feeling fucking terrible you know i'm like how can i bring this into my fucking house so i took the coke i flushed it and i said that's it and i jumped in my fucking bed and i went to sleep my wife woke me up in the morning

and she's like joe i just want to tell you that dj died while you were sleeping i was about to bring dj up i told her just to close the door and i was fucking heartbroken as shit i went i said fuck this she goes what do you want me to do with super bad i go i don't know and i remember getting up going in the bathroom getting on my hands and knees and going god you know what i don't like this fucking cat at all but he can't die he can't die he took one cat because i did coke in the apartment i would never do coke upstairs i broke the rule one time and you took a fucking cat you can't take the other cat if it means me not snorting coke i'm making you this promise right now i'll never fucking snort coke again and that was it i remember going to sleep

waking up that afternoon doing coke not doing coke doing comedy that night and i remember that i had three weeks to shoot that movie i was petrified as fuck you know i think back now i was scared of getting clean how fucking crazy is that like i was scared of getting clean you know i know there's a lot of you guys struggling right now with opioids or drinking or the pills and i know that when you wake up in the morning you look at the ceiling and you say to yourself this is never gonna fucking end i'm never gonna get away from this fucking bullshit but guess what you are you know why because i did and if i mean guys i remember snorting coke and my fucking spine hurting my spine would give me electrical jolts my whole

fucking body would jolt like that that's not a good feeling and that's when i walked away from and i'm just fucking happy i did guys you know so this monday the 15th of november is uh dedicated to my 14 years of sobriety i never thought i could fucking do it i never thought i could do it guys honest to god and listen i've had some really bad things happen to me i've been involved in some very bad things that i've created along the way nothing bad just happens to you you know all these people i was walking down the street and a black guy fell on me you know it just doesn't happen that way you had to be doing something you know saying it don't happen that way cox second so you know and a lot of things life just imposed on me and shit but this i had to do this and i

think about my life i think about you know taping the netflix special taping the special with those other fucking mooks i think about doing theaters which i never thought about in the beginning i think about the longest shot i think about so many great fucking things i think about my daughter being born me getting engaged to my wife a lot of great fucking things happened but if i have to look at the single most best thing that have happened to me was getting off of drugs i gotta tell you something guys it feels great to smoke a joint at night it feels great not to smoke pot all fucking day it feels great not to be addicted to something whether it's a fucking anxiety pill cocaine or whatever it feels great that nothing's gotta hold on you

i don't know how your life is today or what you're doing i'm nobody to fucking talk i'm just here to help you get through today that's what this podcast is about this is entertainment i'm just for fat fucking felon and this is just about us getting through today it's 2022 or six weeks you'd be still fucking around with drugs it's time to clean your fucking act you know i give thanks if i have to be lucky enough and i hate saying this word because a lot of you guys don't like it god or the upper power i know a lot of you guys don't want to hear it but if i have to be thankful for one fucking thing and you all got to witness it i'm thankful that i was never snorting coke and three people died one i was around i mean i'm i'm happy that i never fucking

killed nobody in a car and i was high on coke or anything like that but i gotta be honest you know that happened to cake quickly i can't tell you how thankful i fucking was that that situation never happened to me and dog cake quickly is 37 years old she started doing coke later on in life the odds of it happened to cake quickly or it happened to me were greater for me because of the distance the amount of time i did coke but you know what after that happened to cake quickly i was like thank god i never did coke again thank fucking god i thank bonmont texas where i owed deed because in 2005 that's when i started thinking about quitting so it took me two years to quit after thinking about it for two years so i know you

think you're struggling i know you think you're never gonna get off this shit whether it's booze fucking drugs pills whatever the fuck but let me tell you some if i got off coke i'm a fucking retard and if i got off coke without going to rehab if i got off coke i got off coke because i had to move the fuck forward and it was holding me back and that's what any of these drugs do to you 2022 is here we're six weeks away which means it's here in two weeks we're gonna hit thanksgiving and after that the fucking times are gonna roll and next you know it's gonna be new year's day get started preparing for it today that's it you want 2022 to be a fucking great year prepare yourself right now what you want to happen what your goals are and one thing is you're gonna kick

out of your fucking life to move forward you know i got these two cousins that i grew up with in miami and i love them dearly you know i talk to one i text with the other guy but both of them are fucked up we all had the same thing happen to us we all had the same childhoods we all had the same type of parents and our parents died you know my parents died the first and then the one guy his parents died like 20 years later than my cousin cousin the kid that uh you know me and him grew up together pretty much his parents his mother just recently died and i the difference between me and them is that they're stuck they got stuck in that void you know i have a lot of friends in north bergen that are still stuck in the 80s the 90s they can't jump out of that i think

me quitting coke unstuck me so i think by you quitting whatever drug you're doing whether it's booze or whatever i think you'll be unstuck whenever the kid from florida hits me up it's because he's drinking after he'll text me 10 times i'll call him up and go knock it off with the text what the fuck is going on and we'll talk and he's drinking so i think that any substance could keep you stuck i'm i'm i'm happy that i stopped on november third of 2007 i'm i'm grateful every day that i stopped and i'm grateful that one of you motherfuckers stopped and that's the podcast from monday the 15th of november i don't know what else to fucking tell you motherfuckers just get ready 2022 is coming and i'm fucking excited i haven't been this excited in a long

motherfucking time i love you motherfuckers at all my heart pack woods is selling out of laughing gas like a motherfucker i'm hearing great things the second batch is deadly i gave some to mikey there to take home for the next couple days and that's it and that's that i love you motherfuckers with all my heart uh have a great fucking monday and we'll be back wednesday the 17th when it ready for this one that's the day thursday will be november 18th is the day i fucking kidnapped cant vella so that we have another anniversary november's fielden anniversary mother's debt quitting cocaine kidnapping vella you know give it take my santeria i got inducted in the 28th of the month that'll put me at 52 years it's a great month november i love you motherfuckers

stay tip top magoo and now for a word for my motherfucking sponsor jack all right you bad motherfuckers i want to thank you for watching or listening to the joint today i'm excited 14 years no cocaine how the fuck would you feel tremendous the joint is sponsored by better help online therapy we talk about better help a lot on the show and this month we're discussing some of the stigmans around mental health listen man i was stuck you guys know that all you got to do is listen to a podcast in january february of march and uh you could tell there was something wrong with me but i'll tell you what i contacted better help i started talking to a therapist named dana we talk once a week early morning and it's been fantastic you know many people think therapies

for so-called crazy people but it's not it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you means that you recognize that we have emotions and we have learned to control them not avoid them therapies are tooled to utilize before things get worse if i would have known what i know now i would have been talking to somebody what i was doing stand up in la and i tried to but i just couldn't make monday night so now i'm all in and better help is customize online therapy don't wait until you're feeling unbearable better help offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist you don't have to see anybody on camera if you don't want to and it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can start communicating with your therapist in less than 48 hours give

better help a shot today you're going to find out why over two million people have used better help online therapy you're not going to find a therapist they're all busy the pandemic put us all in the whirlwind but you don't have to feel like this anymore today go to betterhelp.com slash that's betterhelp.com slash ds take control of your life and get the help you deserve with better help i'm going to get you 10% off your first month when you put in code ds that's it and that's that right what else we got here all right the join is also brought to you by zip recruiter listen i don't know if you guys know there's 10 million people looking for jobs only 7.6 million people are looking for work but there's 10 million job openings if you have a

job opening you need to go above and beyond to get qualified people zip recruiter could help if you need help building your team you need to try zip recruiter for free at zip recruiter.com slash joey why am i using zip recruiter joy because they use powerful technology excuse me to find and match the right candidates with your job and present them to you you can easily reuse your you can easily review your recommendations and invite your top choices to apply zip recruiter so effective guys that four out of five employers who post a quality candidate find them within the first day that's why they're rated number one in the us so do me a favor you can try zip recruiter for free just go to zip recruiter.com slash joey joey that's zip recruiter.com slash joey that's

joey zip recruiter the smartest way to hide i want to thank on it i want to thank better help.com and i want to thank zip recruiter.com for giving me an opportunity and give me and i want to tell you guys something real quick you should get yourself a little freeze pipe or start following them on twitter i didn't even know they were on twitter they got some great things they do with the freeze pipe on twitter so go to twitter and friend freeze pipe and that's it i love you motherfuckers it's monday the 15th go get what belongs to your cocksuckers tip top magoo i'll see you wednesday morning ready to rock i love you