Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #117 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ
Episode Date: November 22, 2021Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Monday, November 22nd..... This episode is brought to you by Onnit, Blue Chew & MeUndies….. Go to https://www.onnit.com for the Black Friday/Cyber Monday Sale with 6...0% OFF Plus 10% MORE using PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Use Promo Code: JOEY & Try For Free! Just $5 for Shipping! Go to https://www.MeUndies.com & Try it for FREE for 30days with 15% OFF your 1st Order & Free Shipping! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....
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what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's Monday November the 22nd the joint is brought to you by
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check one two welcome to uncle joey's joint
what's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle joey here with the joint it's monday thanksgiving week
that's it four more days by friday morning when you wake up you're gonna hear fucking
jingle bells and shit like that and it's still i think it's still november the following week
like half the week but by fucking the ninth once you hear john lennon it's over you might as well
get the presence and there's no fucking presence the supply chain is fucking closed i had to go to
philadelphia for fucking uh close to this fucking town me and my wife the other day like an hour drive
to get pokemon fucking cards and when we walked in nobody even knew they were there we're like when
we get the pokemon cards you know some people fucking swarmed us they came from everywhere we
want pokemon cards because they hide those motherfuckers but it was a great weekend i had a
a fucking great weekend listen man i used to have these high fucking grandiose old weekends like
a flight a big dinner on thursday you know fucking around with dean or kate on friday and then this
huge show a plane there was so much activity on the weekends for me and now it's like
there's two activities like like three fucking activities i hang out i drive them to whatever
the fuck they gotta do we had a little bash friday night this neighborhood is like very uh
friday nights it's very it's the same people do the same thing and thank god they do listen i lived
in LA i don't know how many years i knew 20 fucking millionaires and they never opened up their home
and here the people are not millionaires they're just regular working blue collar
fucking people and it's like every friday they invite us over they have pizzas they cook a little
something we sit we bullshit the kids have a basement they run around and it's a fucking different
world you know and it's just nice you know saturday night i did not watch the fucking UFC
thank god i wasn't uh sometimes when you watch the UFC you're like this is great but sometimes you're
like it's saturday night i should be out lighting my pubic hairs on fire or some shit you know i'm
saying like something should be fucking happening here but uh yeah like this week i was i was fucking
ecstatic i didn't make it to my high school thing on thursday night i had to work that was a shame
i called a few people and apologized my high school teacher went which is cool as shit you know
so i called him and we talked a little while mr barone and uh i didn't make it thursday night
but saturday i wasn't doing shit saturday i took mercy to kick by i did what i had to do around
the house i had to clean some shit up the fucking leaves jesus christ listen man i've never i haven't
touched leaves since i was a fucking kid guys i'm sore right now it's not from jumping rope
it's not from hitting a bag it's not from lifting weights it's not from walking my fucking shoulders
and my back hurts from fucking raking fucking leaves i had the gun out the raker i have never
i haven't raked leaves before i haven't done physical fucking labor let's just let's just
settle back on that i haven't done physical fucking labor in a long goddamn time and i look forward
to it it's not like you know i mean i'm a little scared with the knee i'm not picking up fucking
pallets of bricks and shit like that but physical labor me just have been not enemies but i just
haven't been around it you know for years when i worked i remember being in snowmass village
and even though this is the creepy thing about me like even though i was a thief and i was robbing
i was robbing drug dealers and in snowmass village i was very focused on my life like
i always wanted to get ahead a little bit on the legit side do you know what i'm saying like you
always want to at least try you don't want to be a fucking donkey and just give your life away
to fucking being a thief i at least tried i took classes but one of the things i did i never talked
about i pieceworked painting that is a fucking nightmare they wouldn't even pay me like an hourly
rate like they would take a room like this and say hmm 65 bucks this is what you get you have to
you get 65 bucks for this fucking room to paint it that's a trim that's taping that's the windows
that's the whole thing so you have to look at it and go okay how do i make money on this
65 fucking dollars i'm gonna try to make 20 an hour so i'm gonna try to get this job done in
three fucking hours you try to become an estimator in your head like you know like a fucking labor
guy so you're like i gotta get this done in three hours how am i gonna attack this i'm gonna
fucking tape the moldings i'm gonna tape the door i'm gonna tape all the fucking handles and
shit i'm gonna do it thoroughly and just hit it and you know once you're painting and you hit the
fucking once you hit the corners and shit the other thing is all open paint with a brush you
just mic right through it so i would look at something go i need to get this done in three
fucking hours for me to make a fucking profit you know what i'm saying so i would jump in it
i did all that shit i used to fucking shovel snow for a living do you know what that's like
without a fucking plow and listen i signed up for it when i was i took a bus one day to the
supermarket and i had like a lot there's a lot of seasonal work in aspen and snowmass and i saw
a sign snow shovel is 1250 what are you fucking kidding me cash every fucking thursday or you
get paid daily that's i love getting paid daily i love it that's shit about waiting two weeks for
your money go fuck yourself i work today i want to get paid today but the way life is you gotta
wait two fucking weeks and so i don't even know what i was talking about who the fuck i was the
guy's name was joe koffie good fucking white dude good fucking white dude when your name is koffie
you're all right he good fucking dude and i lived in creskill d12 he lived in creskill c12
that's dog you know i'd never bust my ass i would walk over a building knocked on his door
he'd give me two shovels and an ice breaker and a bag of fucking icy whatever the fuck that is to
break up the ice and i just break up ice like they would come all with the plows and shit
and i would have to do all the sidewalks you know like to have those gutters that drip and
shit you gotta break up the fucking ice and he would pay me fucking daily and i love i love all
that shit i've never been a lazy person i and i used to work six fucking seven hours shoveling
snow i get out there at fucking eight in the morning break that shit up take a little smoke
break a little fucking reefer break i love work that listen there's a couple different type of
jobs there's like the jobs of the serious there's the jobs that you might go somewhere in and then
there's the jobs that you could do for 30 fucking years and nobody would even give a frenchman's
fuck about you you ever have those jobs like nobody you know like a landscaper nobody gives a
fuck about you you don't move up as a landscaper you know unless they hire a mexican dude and then
you're on top of him because you speak english doesn't it i'm sorry you never move up as a fucking
laborer you know as a mason i work there's a fucking mason outdoors i like outdoor work but
i have not done it in such a fucking long time i mean i rate to like two hours on friday and two
hours on saturday because the guys are coming today if you drive on my street there's piles of
fucking leaves well i'm not putting bricks in those fucking piles in the other night i was driving
right i was driving back and i saw a big pile of leaves i'm like maybe i'll go through it right
before i went to like maybe they got some crazy kids like i was in the neighborhood when i was a
kid i put bricks in those fucking i put bricks in those motherfuckers uh leaf piles we did it
just fucking perfectly charles court was a circle it was uh not really uh like uh whatever the
fuck you have at the end of this yeah it's not a cul-de-sac it was actually a circle there was an
island in the middle with three houses and you would have to go around it it was the perfect
block to fucking lay uh leaves on a motherfucking you know to fucking torture people after about
8 30 the street would die down there wouldn't be that many people on the street it would just be
people driving that work in the city coming in so we would take uh 12 inch block the fucking big
blocks and build like a pink floyd mini wall like for midgets there was just a little wall
for midgets to take a hop over we wouldn't put no cement or not like that we just put like two
layers of bricks and then we put pile the fucking the leaves on top so what we would do is we leave
one thing of leaves we'd have like two piles of leaves so they could hit both of them and go
this is fun right we could hit these fucking leaves now they're coming up to the third one
that's where the brick wall is at baboon once they hit that motherfucker they would get out we'd be
in somebody's backyard behind bushes howling the guy looks around fuck you he would always like
whoever it was it was always a guy like an older guy that would hit them there wouldn't be women
out at that time and then what we would do is we would put like more piles and he would go around
them and then the third so there would be basically nine piles and three stacks of bricks with two
openers that there's no brick so once you pass by them there's no bricks on that one there's no
bricks in that one i'll hit this one boom and that's when your fucking car hits the fucking wall
you know i did all that craziness i can't do it now i mean i'm i'm 58 years old i would love to
fucking do it now but i can't that that's just the way life is but anyway we're talking about
physical work i don't know i don't know i don't know i was thinking about maybe loading trucks or
i don't know listen you could do all the lifting you want when it comes to work those are complete
different muscles trust me i'm telling you i don't care what job you do i don't care if you do 2000
fucking pull-ups a day if you get a job sweeping the next day you're gonna go jeez fucking christ
i can't even fucking move i gotta do shit like little by little like i can't even dive into
something like the leaves the other day i can't dive into that for eight hours i gotta break into
that fucking slowly what are we doing here talking about fucking leaps who who gives a
fuck about leaves it's fall they're supposed to be fucking leaps this last week i was waiting
i love movies i i've always i don't know if you guys know the relationship i have with
fucking movies i love them you know you look at your life and you go wow wow how did i use movies
i think i use movies as a form of therapy when i was a kid you know like i just when i wanted to
check out and that went was true even when i was a young man 21 23 i love matinees i loved waking
up in the morning knowing that there was a double feature somewhere and like rick ramos you know i
don't know if you guys remember rick ramos he's a dear friend of mine
comedian from the comedy store him and i did weight watches together we were weight watch partners
we've known each other for over 20 years when it comes to movies he was a fucking i mean he knew
everything it was it would make me feel bad when i spoke because i considered myself a movie buff
until i talked to him and he would just shoot me fucking down at every you know he was just that
knowledgeable about movies he he was a movie buff buff plus two if you're into fucking movies
you should be listening to rick ramos and following rick ramos i mean i follow him lightly now like i
see what movies he does and i go jesus christ that dude pulls up two good fucking movies every
week and if you listen to his podcast he really explains him like he explains him he knows who
the dps were he knows who the fucking uh he knows who the who handled the cameras he knew the stunt
men i mean this guy would say shit to me that would fucking the only movie he don't know about
his rust you know nobody knows much about fucking rust everybody's sitting there waiting
when they're gonna press charges on alex ball when that cocksucker i like that even trump fucking
through to this day i love trump for what he did to alex bowman he said arrest him he's got mental
problems and shit i guarantee alex bowman's like i should have never done that sad night live thing
and he kept doing it it came back to haunt them trump is calling all his buddies doj everybody
fucking locked that motherfucker up the rust shooter but i was talking about movies you know and i was
really we took a fucking hit with the pandemic and i tell you who took the biggest hits was
fucking movie theaters and i had no idea guys i had no fucking idea and i'm not a big fan of the big
movie chains i can't stand those motherfuckers the amcs and all those especially after what i went
through with them with the fucking screening like they just shut me down from every fucking direction
they weren't even nice to me they weren't even nice to me but the whole movie theater experience
bothers the fuck out of me for this reason and i love movies this is like a catch 22 you go to a
movie you go to entertain yourself you know you go you go to break away from life's fucking bullshit
you know you get into the movie theater okay whatever they what they charge for movie eight to
12 bucks sometimes 15 i don't know it is what it is you know i'm saying inflation life has changed
you know i used to pay two bucks for movies that's a that's a long fucking time ago uncle joey you
know i'm saying get your life together it's a long fucking time ago so you know you go to the movies
you pay your 15 you don't give a fuck you walk up to the thing you know and you you know they want
ten dollars for a soda a fucking popcorn that tastes like ass that amc popcorn is so fucking bad
that's the worst shit you could fucking eat in the world make popcorn at your house make real
popcorn at your house see how it fucking smells and then go to amc and smell that chemical induced
fucking coma of chemicals they put in there look at the fucking butter they give you it's like a
little fucking milky butter that ain't butter that's a butter supplement to some shit they put in there
like a butter and then that you know the whole time like i i'm not cheap and i understand that
if you came to me right now and said joey i want to sponsor your podcast i've had friends come to
me and i go listen you want to sponsor the pocket these are the prices you know i'm saying they go
some people go ouch and some people go that's that's the price that's just what it is they don't try
to fucking negotiate or whatever when you go to the movie theater you know you don't have a chance
to negotiate you don't want to be fucking johnny fucking jew you know i'm saying you don't want
to fucking go up there and tell the guy i'm not paying eight dollars for a small popcorn
i'm gonna give you 750 and start arguing with the guy so you pay it guys like me just pay it
you pay the fucking vague and you sit down but after you sit down you open up the raisin that's
their fucking stale you know the raisin that's a fucking always stale that's my go to a raisin
that's i love fucking raisin that's and you know i don't eat the popcorn because it tastes like
ass you get the diet coke or the coke fucking zero or you make your own soda they have like the
machines that you press and shit and that's all great and dandy but when you walk the fuck out
of there you're minus 30 35 dollars for a movie and you're like what the fuck did i do that's why
these people are complaining about these movies at home like oh they're too much money think about
what you spend when you actually go to the movies so what goes out to be a good experience
turns out to be this experience like you got fucking reamed i know that's the way i feel when
i go to a fucking movie and i didn't i never felt that way i told about way before mercy was born
i was doing a podcast and the lady made me watch two movies i've never done a podcast like that
but i didn't care i needed to go watch movies it was like a disney movie and some other movie
i picked a disney movie i went down to the movie theater in hollywood like i forget what the name
of it is fucking great movie theater you pick your seats before you go there i think they're going
on a business they file for something i don't know what happened but you go down there you get your
seat and they got fucking food beers they got great they got a great fucking chicken sausage
apple chicken sausage with this dressing on a fucking bun delicious i took my wife no big deal
now i had like a 20 dollar bill i had like maybe 220s and a 10 and i had a hundred dollar bill when
i walked down to the movie theater we walked it was like three blocks away i went inside
bababoon we got whatever the fucking sausage sandwich you know uncle joey i fucking went to
the movie theater the movie theater was enjoyed the movie was great it was like a disney movie
by no allines and shit i got home and when i went to empty my pockets i saw the hundred dollar
bill was missing so i went to the movie theaters with 150 fucking dollars and i came back with like
fucking 70 dollars i'm like i spent 80 dollars at the movie theater now again i'm not cheap but
80 dollars at the fucking movie theater for two fucking people that's a lot of dough compared to
where i came from two movies for a dollar you sit down the floor is sticky the chair don't go back
but nobody gives a fuck every once in a while you hear somebody go out from a mouse biting them on
the foot no big deal those are the movie theaters in Harlem that's what you went went out to you
know so i got home that night and i'm like this is fucking traffic 80 bucks not in boycott movies
i'm not one of those fucking faggots that's gonna get you know it's just a now you have to decide
what movies you want to go see is it in your fucking budget you know like oh my god there's a movie in
my fucking budget how embarrassing is that a movie used to be five bucks three dollars for popcorn
or soda and you're fucking but now they don't what you pay at the door goes to the fucking movie
people whatever production how shot the movie the profit that amc and all those other movie theaters
make is on that fucking popcorn it's on that fucking sausage sandwich so i get it i understand
how business works and i don't you know i don't i don't want you to listen i make a profit might
make some profit we all try to make a profit but when you're fucking denting me a lot of people
are not going to go back that's why people watch these movies at home so like i was getting to
this week i wanted to watch this king richard movie yes i'm a will smith fan i'm a fucking tom
cruise fan i'm a fan of all those fucking people i like to watch their movies brad pit i like their
fucking movies i like their acting whatever but this movie had a special thing with me because
it's about a dad raising two girls it's about the the william sisters who i really fucking like i mean
i think they're both savages serena and uh and uh venus i have a little crush on the one that's always
on tv i get them confused venus she's on fucking every goddamn commercial before black lives matter
so whatever racism whatever does not apply to the serena sisters those chicks always have
10 commercials on tv watch a sporting event watch a sporting event before fucking halftime you'll see
fucking venus hitting the fucking ball she's eating cheerios she's hanging out with tonia
fucking tiger so whatever people always go oh well there's not enough black african americans
in commercials what you don't hear serena saying that shit because they've been fucking giving her
gold since day one and it just seemed like a nice story that i didn't know i thought they were from
florida years ago i don't know if you guys remember anthony edwards had a show on animal planet
about pets and shit and how to do it i got a call do you you know you're really into your cat
do you want to go on anthony edwards show so i went down and you know they hired me for the
fucking day and something happened to one of the cameras i mean it was a great shoot tiffany
haddish played a gargoyle or some shit like a a gargoyle that talked like you know she played
like a co-host and anthony edwards was great he's the guy from blackish for a lot of you people
were not great friends i did a show and he's a stand-up and he's also a fan of stand-up comedy so
i went over and something happened to one of the cameras they had a set up so it was just him and
me sitting there like two idiots so we started talking you know about different situations
i always thought he was from new york but it turns out he was from la he was from right
there fucking compton and he was telling me that he i don't even know how the venus and serena came
up he was telling me that he remembers being a kid and going walking past the courts where her
father would be coaching the two little girls and like that uh you know he just said this to me
they had to fight off like gang members people would try to rob them but the dude just believed
in this two little girls and i just thought that was a great fucking story so when they were doing
a movie i was like jesus christ will smith two little girls i watch it i was excited about it
you know i was like how am i gonna get to the fucking movies and then i saw it was coming on
hbo max and i was like jesus christ that's fucking great you know so i watched the movie i fucking
enjoyed it you know it was great movie you guys know me i love all that shit about dads and stuff
i didn't think it was an academy award winner but i thought it was a fucking good movie you know
i read this morning or yesterday morning that they got booted just like the many saints in newark
they fucking released on hbo warner brothers did the same thing and you got the same result
they ended up both making five million at the box office so i didn't feel that bad
i didn't feel that bad about the sopranos this is a really good fucking movie king richard so
but that's the thing i only made five fucking million dollars but it did great at home a bunch
of people watched it at home i watched it at home so i count as the fucking minority mutt
because i didn't have time to go all the way to freehold and watch a fucking movie but i enjoyed the
movie um takes a lot of work to be a fucking dad and either you're on or you're off as a dad you
know we can't have them both you're either on or off as a dad you have a dad that
is a hundred percent you or you have a dad that you know dad's gotta work man dad's gotta
put money on the table a lot of you guys are younger and you have a new modern house with
a new modern outlook when i was growing up it was just you know men went to fucking work
men work went to work every day and men worked hard and women were in charge of all the household
fucking things so as a child you saw your dad on the weekends and at night when he beat the
fuck out of you for the stupid shit you did that day or whatever i'm just making jokes here but
you know i know a lot of people today that have gone into therapy because of their dads
i have a friend do his father was uh a little bit on the whatever side so his dad he had to go to
therapy over it and find out what it really was you know a lot of people did not really appreciate
the household like i have a friend a dear friend that you know after results hadn't done years later
we went out to eat one night and he was telling me about his house and i was like in shock like
we were eating dinner was a bunch of friends and after the dinner i had to pull him aside and go
listen i don't have parents so for you to say that shit about your parents that didn't pay attention
to your shit it's fucking bullshit and with dear friends and we almost got into a fight we had to
get pulled apart because he felt that i was insulting him but i wasn't i was just explaining
to him that you're actually going to therapy because you didn't think your dad did a good
job with you i mean i know your dad i grew up in your house i went to your house fucking
you know 10 times a week your dad was hoping in his world he thought his dad worked a lot of
hours and shit like that that was the gayest thing i ever fucking heard in my life but i
understand you know i understand some people this is why part of me didn't really want to go on
the road when i moved here mercy's getting to an a listen an ally she was a fucking eight-year-old
up to eight years old she was a fucking kid she's gonna be nine in january and a big nine
like her mind is fucking big she hears everything she knows a lot she asks a lot of fucking questions
she's the type of kid that i could see mercy coming to like she did she came to me two years ago
and said listen i need for you to stay home a little more you know i need you at the house
a little more mom need you at the house a little more so i could see mercy be one of those whiny
cocksuckers that comes to me when she gets older and says you know because kids are like that you
know i went to penn state i did all these great things but you were never there to be my father
you know and that bothers you that does fucking bother you and i know a lot of yous feel that way
think about it a lot of yous feel that way maybe you have an older brother you feel your dad spent
more time with your older brother whatever i've always i i you know guys for me since i was 17
i couldn't wait to have a fucking family i just couldn't wait i just couldn't wait to be a dad
i look at mike i look at mike you know and mike's a dad he's got two kids i knew him before he had
kids but it's just so crazy mike is a dad now when i talk to mike yeah we talk about music and
his open mics and shit but we talk about being a dad he knows what it is to be a dad and he welcomes
it you know i have a lot i get a lot of slack from people every once in a while when people get mad
at me they fucking attack me and they attack me at a low end they'll say to me i will look at you
you fucking ran on on your daughter they say it to me that fucking hurt me i'm a lot smarter than
that that shit doesn't bother me because i did not run out on my daughter i just tried to give us
both a better life and that's the only way i knew how to do it but now i'm confronted again
with having a daughter and i'm stepping up to the fucking pump that's why i watch king richard
i wanted to see what he was doing different if you notice and king richard john burnt all's in
the movie john burnt all plays the tennis coach in florida that they go to that was defi graphs
tennis coach and shit fucking great movie and i spoke to burnt all about it like that's why he
had the mustache in the soprano scene because he was shooting this movie at the same time there was
he had a go from one set to another but the interesting thing about the movie that john told me
they got to talk to you know his father and john did a lot of research on the father and he goes
you know the father was fucking crazy he was crazy he raised him a crazy way the way he pulled
him out of the program and the summer leagues and all this shit but he did it all to make a statement
sometimes you have to make a statement when you're on the rise something that a lot of people don't
know is this is why i was always a big fan of peter grant led zeppelin's manager because he did
what was best for the band i got into the entertainment business and i've been around fucking managers
and agents and i gotta tell you something out of all the managers i met over the years i've been
doing this for 30 years in the comedy game i don't know the music game i know the comedy game
there's three really good managers working today three really good old-time managers working
today i don't even know how we got on this conversation but the rest of them are fucking
shitheads it's just like uh they're not and and when i look back at these managers
the thing that they're lacking is commitment commitment is everything you know commitment
is everything when i was jackie's father i was just a father i was going through the motions i
i'm honest enough to say this when mercy came along i'm committed my commitment isn't her
why because i know if i put a little bit of effort into her if you put 60 effort into your
kids you're gonna get 30% effort back they're not gonna fucking take all your you know what i'm
saying they look at you i see it with kids now they're older than mercy when i go to games and
stuff i see how their parents talk to them and how they react to their parents you get 60 you get
30% effort back from your fucking kids they can't put what you told them together so fatherhood
to me i had to study it because this is what i wanted to do i didn't just want to be a mediocre dad
i didn't want to be a 50 committed dad i wanted to be all in but to be all in i couldn't do all
the other activities i was doing let me tell you some guys i'm coming towards the end of this tape
and i focused everything on marijuana for this tape and it helped me and it's been great i've
been sleeping with the edibles you know the weed calms me down at night i only smoke one joint
i can tell already in about a year or two that i'm not going to be able to fucking smoke because
every time i smoke dog even with the freeze pipe my lungs bother me later like it's but it's not my
lungs it's not the freeze pipe it's my mind playing tricks on me all right my mind likes to play
tricks on you because then it connects what i'm feeling to covid so it's just listen guys some
people smoke pot and they get paranoid right some people smoke pot and they fucking eat 22 fucking
bananas i smoke pot and fucking mind playing because that's the level of reefer i'm at right now
i'm at the 40 level i'm at the 40 year mark you just don't get high and sit there and eat doritos
anymore now you're fucking addiction or whatever the fuck you call it your reefer changes things
that you do on reefer i don't get that like i won't have to dinner saturday night my friends are like
oh my god i smoke pot and i fucking i fucking uh you know i got so paranoid i couldn't cope i
and i tell them all take cbd whatever i'm not up to that part of my pot smoking i'm to the part of
my pot smoking career now that the reefer goofs on me like the reefer goofs on me i smoke the
fucking reefer and next thing you know i got covid it's like i used to have that joke because it's
true i used to eat edibles and forget i'd eat them and i'd always go i think i got diabetes
like that was my goat i got diabetes i got diabetes i got diabetes i would go to the doctor
next day and say i think i had diabetes and he would tell he would ask me to tell him why and i'd
tell him go get the fuck out of my office you don't have no fucking diabetes but that's what
the reefer does to me now it makes me feel like i got covid my point is i can tell already that i
won't be smoking in like two or three years because my mind won't let me my mind will shut
it's like when i eat something i'm not supposed to eat now my my my body's like that don't taste good
it tastes like shit it later on i go it didn't taste that fucking bad but i just my body can't
deal with it no more that's all it is you all grew it i can't go get a fucking baconator now
if i eat a baconator i'm fucking dying on the spot like i i'm never eating a baconator
i don't even know what a baconator is my friend said he had to stop on the way home and get his
wife a baconator so i knew it was something fucking not good it's like a double cheeseburger
with a pound of bacon oh my gosh and the bacon like lee always eats bacon on his hamburger is no
more thank god lee likes bacon on everything and he would get mad at me how come you don't put bacon
on your hamburger dog because they give you fucking third world bacon and they didn't even
every fucking bacon everything i've tried that they put bacon on has like fuck it tastes like
you got the cheap you don't use oscamiah center cut if you're gonna wrap fucking bacon with something
you gotta use oscamiah center cup that Puerto Rican bacon that they use people use the stakes those
burgers i went to burger brothers one day and i got a burger and it came with bacon i don't eat
burgers or bacon but i forgot the time to take it off i took the two pieces of bacon off i threw
them to the side and after about half the hamburger i looked at that bacon like let me just taste it it
was fucking god awful god awful it tasted like the bacon they gave jesus before they put them in the
fucking in the tomb of death it was fucking terrible what are we talking about i don't even
fucking know i i didn't even put i put in like one bet last week that's so fucking weird how i gamble
i don't gamble like a lot of people that's why when i started sports betting service i don't think i'll
have a lot of customers i really don't the style of betting i do is the style i bet and i do is
fucking for fun it's 25 bucks and it's for fun so i really gotta like some a lot to fucking bet
so i don't like a lot of things i don't bet baskets because it's a fucking night man you get killed
so it's just football for right now that's all i got i'm not gonna fucking
i don't bet unless i fucking have to yes i think i put no bets in i didn't bet like you know it
doesn't mean i'm the type of guy i gotta really really really like something if i see something i
don't like losing i'm one of those motherfuckers i don't like paying the bookie i worked i already
too hard to be given the fucking book money every goddamn week so that's just the way it is but no
the other thing i did this weekend that was pretty interesting
and i didn't know i hate making fucking plans i really fucking do like i said earlier i didn't
go to my high school reunion and i felt really bad about it but with my anxiety when i make
fucking plans like as the day gets closer i get fucking anxiety about the situation
so yesterday was really nice my brother mike whose wife died called me a few weeks ago and he
was like hey man i think i'm gonna come up for my birthday i'll keep you posted maybe we go out
to eat or something like that and i said sure i like mike a lot out of all my friends i i've really
he's not even a friend he's a brother mike runny uh good guy you know
my wife and daughter understand my love for him you know especially my daughter really likes my
my daughter likes anybody who helped me as a kid like she wants to meet all my friends that were
around me as kids you know so it's kind of nice so she always takes to mike so uh saturday
we didn't have shit to do i did some stuff in the daytime and then uh
uh we were just sitting around we were gonna go to a party saturday night mercy had a party at
one of those places where you fucking jump on rubbers and you know swing ropes you like fucking
taz a and junia i like going to those things but sometimes i don't you know but these people
that were gonna have it were really fucking cool i like the kids i like her i like him we were
supposed to go to dinner with them last week but they had to we had to change plans nice fucking
people so my wife goes you're gonna go with 530 i'm like absolutely you know i'm gonna go
say hello watch the kids eat some fucking pizza everybody has pizza so we were sitting around
i was cleaning up in the office and my wife comes in she goes you have a visitor like what i got a
visitor and when i looked there was mike runny i'm like what's up what are you doing there because
i told you i was thinking of coming off for my birthday i wasn't sure so i didn't call you
but i'm in the mood so he his uh ex-wife who his wife died by the way and it's it's tragic
his ex his wife passed away last september but her family lives 20 minutes from me
so her his father-in-law was in the hospital so he wanted to come up before thanksgiving is
they don't think he's got a lot of time left but i guess he went over there and he had plans with
them or whatever but something went wrong so he had nothing to do so he goes fuck that i
didn't want to call you i just wanted to stop up and see the house whatever so it's kind of nice
i mean i don't i usually don't like i get mad at people when they don't call and come over but
i didn't give a fuck when it comes to mike he'd do whatever he wants you know and he came in we
bullshit a little bit i go what do you want to do you know and i said listen i'll take you tell me
don't you know uh just me and you will go get a quick bite if you want after five it opens we go
five so we don't you know we don't have reservations or whatever and he said
he really wanted to go to a place up north he goes i really want to go to this place because
me and my wife used to go to this place it was my wife's favorite place in his day he was telling
me what they would do they would go there for birthdays and anniversaries and the whole fucking
deal and i was like you know man if that's what you want to do that's what we'll fucking do i'm
not doing anything you're my brother i know he's struggling you know so i said better yet let me
make some calls and see if i get some other ones of our buddies to fucking meet us so my buddy stink
came along with us and mercy's godfather said i can meet you i get out of work and he works right
there so this all went down at four fucking thirty i mean just how i like it no plans no reservations
no tuxedos no bullshit we uh smoked a little bit and i got my car and i drove him up to
munaki new jersey a place called sygovia and uh it was great we i parked on the street
we smoked a little bit we went into fucking sygovia it was they take no reservations there
which fucking drives me crazy mike when you have no reservations that means i'm gonna wait outside
for an hour so that was the biggest worry i had so i shot up there even mike was got a heavy foot
was like fuck joey jesus christ 90 on the turnpike go fuck it it's wide open who gives a fuck we got
up to munaki in like 40 minutes we got up there like a five mother fucking 40 and as soon as i pulled
up there was a fucking line at the door i go god damn it and it was cold out you got to wait outside
i mean it wasn't like penguin weather but still you're not comfortable you know i'm saying you're
not getting bit by mosquitoes but you're not fucking comfortable so as we're walking towards it
i was there in march with my brother george we went there one day for lunch on a whim he had to
deliver some art there so i go i'll follow you we'll deliver and then i'll go eat with you
i got to pay you last time not bad and we were sitting outside it was a nice fucking day out
but there was a door in the side and i saw the waiters going in and out of there so i fucking
i uh walk out with mike and as i'm walking i go mike look at that fucking line god damn it
shit we're gonna be here for fucking ever it's gonna take us an hour to get a table
i said i gotta get to the sun the owner has a son that bartender and we're kind of friendly
his name is anthony good fucking dude i gotta get to the sun i gotta so i saw the side door
and i go lord please let it be open i go all right fuck it so i run over mike's like where you
going i go let me just check something sure enough i open up the side door and it's to the bar
so i go mike come on come this way it's like no no we're gonna get caught i go mike shut up
come on there's no we're we're kids this ain't a fucking high school principal come on so we
walk into the side door i say hello to the bartender how you doing good to see a fucking
packed and i cut right through the side and there was a lady with a fucking with a pad
and uh taking reservations this line was all the way out the fucking moon hockey street i mean this
fucking line was long i cut through everybody i saw i go she goes how many i go for diaz jose
and all of a sudden the owner popped up and he goes hey good to see you i said good to see you i gave
him a hug and i go you know we've been coming here for fucking 40 years 40 fucking years so we all
sat down we got the table my buddies were there on time and shit and here's what gets interesting
the first time i ate at that place was may of 82 i was at my friend's house and his dad and his
mom went to eat there and they brought it to go back and i went upstairs to go to the bathroom
and i saw it to go back and i thought it was chinese food i thought it was steak on a stick
when i opened that fucking bag it was a filet mignon that was two inches i was beautiful
charcoal i cut a little piece off when i ate it i'm like holy shit so i went downstairs i asked
my friend where'd your parents go this fucking he told me this restaurant segovia moon hockey
dog i didn't give a fuck i was gonna rob a jewelry store i was gonna rob somebody but i was going to
segovia to follow on weekend i don't know who the fuck we robbed i think i robbed some fucking
refrigerators from this uh appliance store i worked at in fairview new jersey and richfield
circle i fucking got like 200 bucks it wasn't even that expensive i didn't know what the
how much it cost to eat there or whatnot i took a girl there to eat holy shit this girl let me
suck her titties we were in high school after we were in high school she didn't let me have sex
well she didn't go to north bergen she went to a school like a union city i had kind of like
growing up with her i knew her and we bumped into each other and we reconnected and she had a car
i didn't have a fucking car at that point so i said to her hey man you want to go to
segovia i always had kind of a crush on her nothing ever happened i think we swapped spit
after a basketball game in the eighth grade one time and i took her to segovia i don't even know
what this girl is anymore i don't even know what her fucking name was i just know she was cuban
and she was hot and we went out there and you know when you're fucking 18 you take somebody to a
carpet joint they lose their minds you're gonna get a hand job you're gonna get a little tit job
and we're young you're not gonna get a piece of ass because you're both 17 18 but you're gonna
get something you know i didn't take her out there with the with any any i didn't think i was
even gonna get to first base with this fucking girl look at me 58 years old still talking like a
kid fucking first base i didn't think i'd get the first base with this trick but we went to segovia
i got the fucking surf and turf i tip big i was acting like fucking john goddy i was like 18 i had
my little polyester shirt on and shit and uh after that we went somewhere and i think i sucked a
little titties and i fingered and i was all hot and bothered but then she went back with a boyfriend
the story of my life you know what i'm saying they always go back with the fucking boyfriend
but now we just sat down and we had a great fucking meal and we just talked about
how fast this had passed us like high school was fucking so slow you know when you get out of
high school and you go to college it's a little on the slow side but man once you get to like 26
i don't know what the fuck it is but time starts flying i don't know if it's kids i don't know if
it's getting married i don't know what it is but we all came to i mean every guy at that table
last night we've known each other um i'm 58 i've known everyone on that table for 45 fucking years
all of us grew up together we know everything about each other i'm having thanksgiving at one of
their homes i mean you know this is uh it's just amazing to sit there with friends that you've
known for 45 fucking years we talked about ex-wives ex-girlfriends it wasn't really a remember when
night it was just we're just talking about our lives you know who's eligible for retiring
you know who's just got surgery who just got double hip replacement you know one of my friends
got double hip replacement my other buddy lost his wife my other buddy it's just guys pay attention
to your lives pay attention to your life after that dinner last night i couldn't wait to jump on
the mic here today and tell you i think the most important thing i've ever told you guys was what
i learned last night i went to dinner with four guys we all had problems growing up we all came
from different type homes you know some of us two of those guys three of those guys at the
table last night came from blue collar homes one of them came from a little better of a home but
you know man we came to the conclusion last night that this is fast
the last time all four of us were together at that restaurant was february of 93
that was close to 28 fucking years ago and i gotta tell you something it went fast
the last time i went to dinner with those guys at that restaurant
i was basically getting into comedy they were just giving me the blessing i would have been
doing comedy for two years in colorado i was coming back to new york to get my life together
there and uh i ended up you know doing comedy for nine months and coming back that was to kick
off dinner when i went to dinner with like eight of them those four guys were there
and we ended up getting thrown out of there we got so fucked up we must have had 20 pictures of
sangria we had a deal not to do blow before the food came we didn't listen we just went
fucking crazy and started doing blow and the guy asked us to fucking leave i mean we were
tipping them all night but we were so loud our table was so loud we were tipping them all night
we were getting louder and louder and louder and louder and louder and then the funniest thing the
guy came up when he goes guys you know i love you i know you guys are great customers you've
been coming here for fucking 10 years you gotta wrap it up people are complaining people are looking
over here at the table so we all get up i don't know there's maybe 10 of us we all get up and
we're walking out and i got a buddy who's at the time got arrested so he's not with us anymore
he was crazy i mean we were all fucking crazy and uh i was selling valium at the time i was a
valium salesman i had like 200 valium's on me that night i was giving them away at the dinner table
people fall in the sleep it was fucking it was just a wild night and i'll never forget that as
we're walking out the way that comes out with two fucking pictures of sangria and he puts them on our
table he goes wait where'd you guys go and as we're leaving my buddy goes roger hollyway he goes
guys there's more fucking sangria he yells fucking in the restaurant again everybody looks at him
he goes where you guys going and we're like roger we gotta go they fucking asked us to leave
you know we didn't get thrown out like 86 we got asked to leave you know nicely so we could come back
it was one of those they were that nice we tipped heavy they didn't want to 86 us so roger went back
he goes i'm not fucking leaving without drinking those things are $16 a piece and i'll never forget
he went back to the table took the picture from the guy's hand didn't even pour in the glass just
started tipping it back there's a it's a hundred people in this dining area and 50 of them were
looking at roger as he's drinking this fucking thing and he puts it he goes he lives out a little
burp and he looks around and he sees a table with like you know four parents and like four kids
they're like young girls and he walks over to the table and he goes up to the head of the house he puts
picture in front of me goes here you finish this knock yourself out you bad mother fucking he goes
and he just turns around the whole table fucking looking around the whole everybody's looking at us
and that was the last time we were fucking in there so we were talking about that last night
when we were sitting there we're like oh my god the last time we were here i hope they don't
fucking remember and sure enough mike opened up when the owner came over and the son and he's like
we were coming here since before you were born the guy's like i'm 40 i'm gonna be 40 next month
and mike's like we were coming here before you were fucking born and he's like you're right
we've been coming here since may of 81 and we started giving the fucking guy an inbeat
and they had a great time and then mike's like i remember when there was a bar on that side
and they're like how did you know there was a bar though the owner the owner's son was like
there wasn't a bar on that side then the owner came over and he's like tell him what you told me
because there was a bar on the other side there nobody knew about it was a very tiny
and when the owner walked away he's like he didn't know that i used to go into that room
and snore coke by myself and shit and one night he caught me he didn't fucking remember
so thank god he didn't fucking remember he just let us go they picked up around the drinks we
fucking ate and uh you're not gonna believe this we were home by 9 30 we were home by 9 30 and one
of the guys had to go to work at five o'clock in the morning stinky and he kept telling me that all
night guys this is all good for you but i gotta go to work at five in the morning i gotta be up
at four in the fucking morning this guy's a fucking uh supervisor at ups done great with his life
this guy has worked at ups for 40 years
he doesn't remember i told him last night go we went to that job application together
we went to parameters they had like a center where you went just for ups to sign up for fucking uh
to sign up for work they interviewed both of us he got the job i didn't there was 11 to fucking
two ups 1981 he's been there for 40 years he's like i'm eligible to retire they want me to go
but i'm not going because i'm bored to death i don't know what else to do with myself
he goes he has seven weeks of vacation a year tour them with his wife the other five he goes i
don't even take i don't even take him i get paid yeah because he goes what am i going to do with
my fucking time i have no friend i go bro that all changes this fuck i i would love for all these
guys to get retired so we can hang on our maybe start a bowling league or something like that get
a bowling league but this is it guys you gotta welcome this shit like the last couple weeks
i've been thinking to myself maybe i feel bad because it's a midlife crisis you know maybe i
feel bad maybe my anxiety is up you know but usually a midlife crisis you dump your wife you
fuck a 21 year old and you get a corvette i i looked last night i still got the fucking super
rotten a lot you know so it's not a midlife crisis i don't know what this is it's just
it's the final step and the other night with dinner with these guys help me understand that
that i'm going into the last phase i'm walking into the last phase of life and i'm enjoying this
i'm uh welcoming it i feel good i'm gonna go to jujitsu today i'm gonna start going to jujitsu
a couple times a week now i'm switching you know guys i had a little moral inventory last week
and i gotta switch my fuck the last two or three weeks i've been thinking about how i gotta switch
my life around my life has become very stagnant and i'm very uh i'm the type of guy that looks at
that shit all the time when i become stagnant i don't like it so i'm gonna switch some stuff around
personal stuff i'm gonna switch some fitness stuff like i put too much fucking uh
i put too much into the gym i gotta start switching around a little bit i gotta start
balancing my gym jujitsu a little more my health stuff and i gotta start you know i write with
erika i want to wish her a happy birthday it was her birthday this last weekend you know i do uh
i'm writing a book with erika and that's a couple hours a week we get together not to mention i got
to outline on my own because my memory is not that good so i got outlined two three days beforehand
so i'm putting work into this but something's still missing i need to fill some fucking gaps and
the next couple weeks that's what i'll be putting together i want to overall i want to overhaul
the patreon a little bit and switch it around you know uh i was thinking about how this week is
this week's i have on my patreon i always have the album of the week and it's just
it's not even a good fucking show it's just me introducing an album to you guys like i don't
i don't get into it how i would want to because i don't think you guys would enjoy like if i got
into a joey dea style it would just be too fucking long the album of the week so i try to keep it
short but the good thing about the album of the week for a guy like me is that i get to play the
album like i listen to the album two or three days before i do the the album of the week and i
basically sit on my couch and listen to both sides and relax and just think you know i uh hit the
bubbler and i'll come back here be after 10 30 you know when i hit the bubbler and i'll come back
here and i'll just listen to it low very low and then the next day when my wife and my daughter's
at school i'll listen to the album you know fucking loud and that's when i hear things that i haven't
heard in a long time when i put on the album of the week this week is the first ousie album uh
the blizzard of us this fucking album hit me hard this week holy shit and i let you know you hear
it all the time right i mean it was the 40th anniversary of dire madman this month the last
month so they've been playing the fuck out of it and they've been playing you know you hear uh gravy
train what's the name of this crazy train gravy train i hit crazy train on the radio ha ha ha ha
you know suicide solution that uh what is it wine is hard but whisk is quick uh suicide is low
with lamp but you know you you you hear all those songs on the radio and but when you like i told
i didn't tell you guys i told the album of the week people when you put an album on at the house
and you hear the way the songs come on the the water or the songs like this week i listened to
two albums all i listened to uh the first ousie and i also listened to not the whole album i listened
to highway to help uh the first side highway to hell walk all over you touch too much that shit
fucking great out that side i like how they did the album selection on highway to hell the five
songs are just and then the other song the other side is uh went on a town looking for a woman
gonna give me good love and it ends up with uh i'm the night stalker whatever the night prowl i
think i got to look at the fucking album maybe the night prowls in the first that doesn't fucking
matter joey what matters is that i like the road the way the songs are like on the album it's on
the ousie it's like mr. Crowley i don't know you know suicide the order i don't even think that's
the right order i must have still got some of the thc from last night my fucking coconut
but i like it i like just sitting there sometimes and just listening to an album and i tell you
what i don't hear the instruments as much it's not that you're listening to the fucking the album
as much of the vocals you know i'm listening to the bass because rudy but then fucking sharing
went in there with new musicians and we did all the fucking bass licks she put them back in i don't
know if those are the original fucking people it doesn't really matter but what my point i'm trying
to get to here is that it just takes you back i mean it takes you back so fucking hard for me
i it does and i'm not doing acid i'm not doing anything guys look at my eyeballs there's no
acid those eyeballs there's no gorilla biscuits there's none we're fucking we basically run on
seven joints a week and a few edibles at night to help me sleep they don't even do anything
and no more i can't wait till the edibles finish and for you edible people i got good news for you
i'm gonna do a little collaboration with abx the 200 milligrams are gonna be joey d is fire or
something like that we started talking last week so we're gonna do a whole new fucking campaign
with abx put them on the map with their fucking edibles listen man i love abx edibles i love them
i i love everything about the only problem is i gotta take a little tolerance break right now
i've been running strong on those motherfuckers for four months i mean when i tell you i am officially
out of them i went through a fucking case on this withdrawal thing and they they're great
if somebody's thinking of fucking tapering off drugs or you're having a hard time go to your
local fucking reefer store and get yourself a abx 100 milligrams michael b mine i have
200 testimonials for the fucking abx product abx has been killing mother you know mcdonnell's
served the million people well abx has been killing mother fuckers for four years
it started with my man oan mother fucking benjamin i think i think the stars are death
oan benjamin i see i have both and i can agree they are both hard hard those edibles are hard
thank god the stars are death oan out of business that poor guy if you saw what he looked like
towards the end as fucking lee he couldn't even take it no more he looked like a prune he was
wrinkled up he looked like so vestis talon and rocky when it rocky too when his eyes were bundled up
that guy was giving himself tac beatings on a regular fucking basis but hey i love you mother
fuckers it's monday the 22nd of the month uh this is a holiday week you know i should take
this week off but i didn't i know you guys are traveling i know you guys need some entertaining
i know you guys want something in your ear when you travel usually i'm not the number one choice
but fuck it i'm becoming the number one choice little by little we're coming back stronger than
ever we're making some changes and we're gonna get stronger i feel a lot fucking better guys this has
been a long year but i'm happy i pushed i'm happy michael stayed on me and i pushed through this and
we're here every week this might not be the best fucking podcast in the world it might not be what
you want to listen to but we're trying and we're here and we're consistent and i bring you nothing
but love on a monday morning for you to spread all through the week spread out some love try to
make somebody's day you know i had a great time this weekend i think the best thing about this weekend
was that i made somebody's day i ended up making mike's day so that means more to me than anything
in the world i love you guys don't forget laughing gas oh you know it goes good with turkey laughing
gas bitch before after the turkey the next day for football for college football and for black
friday don't forget it is black friday so on it's gonna be that's on it starts today that's how
fucking good we are with on it we start motherfucking today on the black friday monday virtual sale
60 off a fucking everything or close to it go over there knock yourself out take a look
that's it and that's that i love you motherfuckers with all my heart i know you're traveling this week
we're here patreon if you got questions we're here if you got questions on twitter or instagram
we're here i love you motherfuckers don't forget to stop by the ice cream shop pick up some fucking
laughing gas tell them uncle joey sent you and without further ado i love you cocksuckers with
all my heart have a great fucking monday have a great fucking tuesday and i'll be back in your
tuesday with some motherfucking loving stay black cocksuckers have a great week and a great day
all right you bad motherfuckers i want to thank you guys for having my back on a monday morning i
have no idea what i even talked about today who gives a fuck but listen i give a fuck about you
the joint is brought to you by bluetooth thanksgiving is here and i know you want to sling a little
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slash joey again that's me undies.com slash joey i want to thank on it don't forget the black
friday sales starts today i want to thank bluetooth they're here to take care of your helmet
and i want to thank me undies they're here to take care of your nutsack your helmet the whole
thing i love you motherfuckers with all my heart thank you for listening i'll see you guys wednesday
tip top magoo have a great holloway holiday season stay black love you
you