Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 12/02/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #132

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

Bobby Slayton calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/02/2013.

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each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church. That's dollashaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollashaveclub banner. Oh, shit. Oh, motherfucking shit.

Oh, shit. It's Monday, cocksuckers. Get up, scratch your ass, scratch your nuts, wash that pussy, do what you need to do. There's something out there waiting for you. Life, cocksuckers. Hit that motherfucker, Lee. What?

As a fucking writer, get up. It's December 2nd, you fucking maggots. Smile. It's your fucking day in front of the camera, cocksuckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Jumping jack, leg stretching, squats, whatever the fuck you got to do. A good shit, a good bowl of oatmeal, some blueberries.

What deal are you giving away for Cyber Monday? You can smell my dick for a dollar. That's what you get for Cyber Monday, cocksuckers. Happy Monday to you, motherfuckers. Hope you had a great weekend here. We're back, bitches. The church of what's happening now. Lee Syat, Mad Flavor, and the assistant for the week,

my main man, Dicky Syat. What's happening, Lee? What the fuck you been on a weekend? Nothing got me so high on Saturday night that we went to Denny's yesterday, and I didn't get any eggs. I said, double pancakes, double bacon. You just killed the eggs.

You said, fuck the cholesterol. Fuck it. I'm going for bro, cocksuckers. We've been getting you high since Wednesday night. I know. You fuck around. Good life podcast, rock or a BC. The fucking gangsta, my man, Sal robots.

We had a good time up there. Yeah, that was awesome. Nice weekend in San Diego. Great fucking club, good food, good service. The door is by the stage. I don't like that. But what do you even do? You can't fucking get everything.

No, everyone was very nice. And it's always fun going to those shows. To fuck it. Listen, man, those shows, I like doing them. I like being on stage and doing comedy, but I like it afterwards. When I talk to people, I can bullshit to people. That wasn't a great scenario out front there.

We couldn't blow fucking bazookas. Not everybody was smoking big dope, so next time I'll go to a different venue, somewhere in a backyard where we're not so fucking in the forefront. I like being right there fucking with a lot of people. Stop breathing in the mic. One of you cocksuckers.

I turned it down. I got enough problems. You know what I'm saying? You're over there falling asleep in a lace snot. And somebody's fucking piece of bread they left on the mic and shit. My condition's at the run. What cocksucker?

What? Tell me something good, Lisa. I am. Nothing, dude. It's been a crazy weekend. I don't know. I wish I hadn't more to tell you. It's been a long weekend, and I'm fucking hungover

from all the edibles. But you know what was good? Those CBD ones, it's kind of the Chiba Choo's. Like it was intense, but it didn't take me over the edge where I was having a panic attack. No, it's 70 milligrams, and it's got the pain relief in it. So the pain relief hits you in like 30 minutes, but the reefer hits you in like 15 minutes

to relieve the pain. So together, it's one of the best ideas I've ever heard in my life. This night I come back from a gym, or a Y, and I'm a little sore, and I'll pop one of those fucking CBDs like a soldier, just because I know. So there's nothing wrong with those. But we'll tell you something that's bothering me.

Let's get it out of fucking way, people. We had Diego Stina with us, and Steve Simone in San Diego. Yeah, great show. It's not my business to tell this story, but I'm going to tell it because it's a moral to this fucking story, and it applies to a lot of you people. It applies to all of us at one point in our fucking lives.

And I want you to stick by this fucking rule, because if you don't stick by it, nothing's going to pan out for you. Diego Stina was a dear friend of ours. He works at the Ha Ha Cafe. I gave him this week a month ago. I gave him this weekend in San Diego. It had to be fucking two months ago.

So he went to his manager at the Ha Ha and said, listen, this week I'm taking off. They said, fine, as long as you make up the fucking hours. Diego Stina went in there, worked the hours, did everything he had to do. On Friday, he called up, and they suspended him for a week with no pay. What?

OK. And then I've always known this, and you know what? This is going to backlash me, but I don't really give a fuck, because there's a moral to this story. And the moral is Diego Stina was a great guy. When people hire you sometimes, and when people, you do something for somebody, like if you go to them and you go, yeah, I like to come work with you, OK?

And then before, after they give you the job, you drop the, oh, by the way, I'm also a fucking painter, or I'm also a poet. I need Sundays off. And they'll look you straight in the fucking line, and they go, listen, this is an artist's colony. We're here to fuel the flames of artistry. They tell you some fucking bullshit story.

And it's the same bullshit story your aunt and uncle tell you, or sometimes your parents tell you, because they don't understand what you're getting into, and they're scared for you. Some people are scared for you, and that I understand. I'm sure at one time we came to you and said, you wanted to do something. You said, yes, but in your heart,

you were a little scared for him. And then after he does, it just happens in life. And sometimes some parents go, you're fucking crazy. You can't even clean your fucking room. You can't even clean your fucking room. How are you going to jump off a mountain with a fucking parachute? You know, and that's true, too.

We have sometimes, you know, well, I'm going to be prisoned in the United States. You get a D in fucking art. You got a D in finger painting, and you've got to be a fucking, you know, there's just people who are delusional. But sometimes you wake up one morning, you know, you know what, man?

I don't want to be a fucking brick mason no more. I don't want to bust my balls. I want to go out and play the guitar and teach fucking kids how to play the guitar. It makes $8 an hour, but I have no stress. And people look at you right away. What are you, a fucking loser? You're giving up a union?

Whatever the opportunity is, there's always somebody to come fuck with you. But there's two different people. There's people that fuck with you the way I fuck with Lee, from the love of my heart. And there's people that fuck with you in a way that it goes to hold you down. So they suspended this kid with no fucking pay.

It's the best thing that's ever happened to him. And it's the best thing that's ever fucking happened to him. But at the same fucking time, I'm going to tell you some people, and anybody who ever stepped in my dream, I never spoke to them again. Yeah, he shouldn't go back. If you call me a fat spick, my mother suck dick, you know, a fat Jew, whatever the fuck you want to call me,

that doesn't offend me. If you got a problem with my comedy or whatever, that doesn't offend me. If you got a problem with the podcast, we all don't like anything. But don't ever get in somebody's fucking dream or tell them no or squash them because of your fucking insecurities.

That gets to me like nothing else in the fucking world. Yeah, and he's worked there for years. Years. This isn't a new job. And he worked, I talked to him last week, he was working the day opening shift and they called him and said, I can't come in at night. So he worked the whole shift.

The whole shift. And told them, I had that weekend off and they said yes. Just to have a weekend off. And you know what, man, it's people that stand behind the fucking lie. I'm telling you, that's why I fucking, I say this to anybody, don't let nobody fuck with your fucking dream at any fucking level.

As soon as they say something negative about your dream, you know what, it's not even that you're mad at them. You're done with them because if they can't back you with your dream, it's like you getting stabbed and they're with you at a movie theater. If they can't jump in to back you, I don't want to ever see you again.

There's no reason for me to fucking hang out with you again. You know what, we all get scared of life, if somebody's beating up or hitting one of my friends or something, happened a couple of weeks ago at the fucking farmers market, I can't go back. I can't fucking go back, no. I can't go back to the fucking farmers market because I stuck up to the little security guard

that was getting eight bucks an hour on a Sunday. But this is our society today where they talk about getting bullied. This kid, this man was getting bullied by paparazzi. Bullied by paparazzi. I don't give a fuck. If I see a mismatch, I'm jumping in there. And that's the same thing about things to do with life.

If somebody gets in my way with a dream, or something stupid, and I advise it for you too because it'll make your life that much easier. It's hard enough trying to live your dream, not seeing this person constantly and then banging it out. You say, how you doing with that comedy? And you look at them and you're like, I just bought you a fucking cheeseburger

and you're stepping on my fucking dream. You know what, suck my fucking dick. Don't ever let me fucking see you again because next time I'll piss on you while you're fucking standing there, and after you lie down, I'll piss on you again like that dude in G's up, host down. That's my point for the day. Don't let nobody step on your fucking dream.

There's a thousand miserable fucking people out there that'll tell you why you're gonna fucking, why you're not gonna fucking make it. And it sucks, dick, when it happens. It sucks. And I knew he was a little, you know, when I talked to him on the phone that day, he was kind of jaded, sure you're jaded.

These are the people you break bread with. These aren't some fucking strangers. These are the people you fucking break bread with. And do you think, and it's not you, but do you think because you don't go down there as much anymore, do you think it's because he was working with you? Well, there's a lot of reasons.

There's a lot of reasons, you know? They don't like me, they don't fucking like them. You know, they make $8,000 a fucking week off of comics there, and when you go to get paid $20, they fucking turn their back on you. They don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I never asked them for money, because I knew, I don't feel like

taking a fucking cent from you or whatever, but they don't like me. I don't really like them. I don't give a fuck. They use me the way I use them. I use them to get my comedy better, and they use me to close the show. I would never let them put my name on the marquee

to make a dime off of me. Never, never, not even fucking close. You never put it on Twitter, or anything. No, they've asked me a thousand times to do this and this, and I don't do none of that shit, because I don't wanna, I don't wanna get to that point. Because if I know you're gonna rob me, if I don't know you're gonna rob me and you rob me,

that's one thing. But if I know you're gonna rob me and you rob me, I can't, I don't have the right to smack you. The only person I can smack is myself for doing fucking business with you. And that's it, I can't, you follow what I'm saying to you? So I just kept them at fucking arms distance. Yeah, I'll come down on a Wednesday, do a spot.

Do you wanna give me a spot on Friday? She's even told me no a couple of times. So I know you don't want me down there. I don't give a fuck. It's not my home, it's not my place. And I know what it is to have to pay rent, so I know why it's scary. But this is like the thing

where they had me coming on a Saturday night. Like this is the thing, now he's gonna be like, he doesn't need to work with them for the whole week. They just fucked up. Listen man, when somebody steps on your fucking dream, that's it, you're pretty much done. And it's the best thing that happened to the Agostino. It's not like he's got children,

and he's got a big responsibility, he's got half a fucking rent with his wife, and his wife works. He's got two fucking car payments. He's a great kid, I love the kid. I love the kid, I stand behind them 100%. And I saw it, you know, I saw how they are, and I don't give a fuck if he bites me in the ass.

My whole fucking life bit me in the fucking ass. They could all suck my dick, you know what I'm saying? It's Monday, where's Tony Bennett, bitch? Hit it. Hit that motherfucker, Mr. Sayel. Let's break out some weed, let's wait, is that Gooby Bear? Let's start the Monday, all right?

What are you gonna say? You know what I'm saying, what the fuck? Sing it, Lee. I wanna be around you. Are you fucking kidding me, or what? To pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. To take the pieces.

Some, somebody, twice as smart. Oh, shit. Eyes on. When was the last time you had a Gooby with your coffin? Who does that in Florida? Nobody. Nobody, I have nobody. We live like fucking doctors here.

Dramatis. So how was, you put it on Twitter, but I didn't look at the asking, but how was yoga at the Gabba? It was brilliant. I was brilliant because they robbed you without a gun. Really? It's the worst stage show I've ever seen in my life.

It's a black guy with a bunch of puppets singing, stepping out of fucking tune. Then the last half hour, Bismarck, he comes on. Like kids ain't scared enough. Yeah, he's the rapper. Oh, no. Yeah, he comes up fucking hysterical and then he brings kids on stage.

My daughter was too young. You know, it's shocked that when they first came out, she was shocked. She even looked at me and crawled over. She was shaking. The music was loud. Then once she recognized the songs and shit, well, there's a party in my tummy.

Go, yummy, go, yummy. There's a party in my tummy. Go, yummy. Ooh, Mr. Carrot, why are you crying? We wanna go to the party in your tummy. Fucking she went in that one and there's one other jam that she liked. And after that, they have a half time for you

to spend money, go out there and buy t-shirts of both the lights that's been around. Oh, yeah? Sure. I didn't bring cash. So all that shit was cash. They had an ATM, but they want like $8 to give you fucking $10 they're fucking thieves.

Of course, yeah. But it was, listen, I never did that shit as a kid. And listen, as a parent, Mr. Sayah, you sit there and you go, what the fuck am I doing here? But you know that it makes your kids world. And you wanna see that shit. Oh, you're going all the time.

And I saw the kids and how they acted and I saw the single moms and I saw the families and you just see this beautiful fucking thing. I never looked at it before. I never looked at it before because I never thought I'd be able to have one, you know? So I never even bothered to look into that window of my life, but it's very neat to see.

And I had a pee and I was getting anxiety. I ate a cookie, I ate a pot cookie because I didn't want to smell like reefer. Oh my God, was that a fucking mistake? I kept looking at all these little fucking kids surrounding me, it's like being on Mars. All these little kids dressed up like DJ Lance with orange hats and shit.

You know, it's like 300 bucks. They fucking fucked up the ass. It's not about you or about getting fucked up the ass about making your child smile. It's about making somebody's fucking day, you know? We had lunch and my friend's kid came with us, Jade. Oh, cool. The Asian little kid.

You love her. Oh, I love my Jade. I love Jade with all my heart. She's seven and she calls me Uncle Joey since day one and she's just a great kid, you know? And I like her brothers too. I like kids, man. I've always liked kids and they're a nice family

and they're serious, so that's it. Just went down there, got in my fucking car, drove home, took a shower to wash the flu off me. And then I got dressed and drove down to fucking San Diego in two hours in the daytime. 2.15 maybe in the daytime? Yeah. San Diego's a pretty city.

It really is. I just didn't know there was that many fucking people down there on a Friday and Saturday night walking around. Oh, they go crazy. It's really sensational and the food is great. You know, San Diego's a big ass fucking city. Like it's just, and at night it's gorgeous. When you drive off to fucking five

and drive on to downtown, it's fucking beautiful. It's just amazing, you know? But I'm happy a lot of people came out and we had a fucking good time and people jumping up and down and whatnot. And that's it. By the way, Mr. Syat pointed something out that I really wanted to talk about today.

On its having a Black Monday sale. Oh, Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday sale, 25% off till midnight. Do me a favor. I'm more and more impressed with them. I've never been impressed with supplements by no fucking level. I don't believe people, I don't give a fuck.

I'm more and more impressed with them. Like I said, every morning I do the hip shake, the chocolate, I finish my vanilla and I put a scoop of glutacore in there for the fucking muscles. I don't eat for a few fucking hours. It fills me, that protein fucking fills me. That's what protein's supposed to fucking do.

It's supposed to fill you the fuck up. You know, when I go to this jujitsu, this kettlebell class an hour before I drop two of those shroom tech sports. And I'll tell you what, do I go in and jump up and down like I got P.F. fucking flyers on? No, but I know for a fact for a 50 year old guy I'm breathing better. You know, my timing's better

so I'm not feeling like I'm gonna fucking pass out and go into anxiety. So the shroom tech's working. Go to fuckingonit.com, go to joeydeers.net, click on the box. What's the code word? Church. And you get 10% off, I don't know if it's additional,

whatever, but who gives a fuck? Go to Cyber Monday, support on it. They support us and they're a great fucking product like anything else I back. All right, stay black. That's all I got to fucking tell you, chat suckers today. I just wanna remind you about Cyber Monday.

Go now, right now, go to fucking on it and cut this shit. See what they got going on? They got ropes, they got fucking kettlebells, they got all types of nutrients they even still fucking stevia and guess what? It comes right to your fucking door, you gotta leave the goddamn house.

And that's the best part about life. While they're fucking moving around, driving in traffic, you're at home scratching your nuts with a big bazooka in your mouth, watching New England kick the fuck out of Texans. Are they only one by three? But they still squeak it out, man. That's all that matters, you know what I'm saying?

It's fucking scary, but I loved it. But you know what was crazy? Fucking, I shopped on Amazon on Friday, came yesterday. It's fucking awesome. I don't know why. Amazon.com cut a deal with the post office for the Sunday delivery. Imagine how much that cost, one company, yeah.

And we got an Amazon portal. People say you can't find it, it's on there. It's on in those links, along with whatever. Just click on to it and we'll make it work for you, right? But people have been asking me, Joey, it's a holiday season, wanna donate to the podcast, do the Amazon fucking portal, go, go.

Knock yourself out, I love you guys for even bringing that shit up. The shirts, the patches, the cups, they're all climbing. Everybody's gonna have a fucking church of what's happening now patched for their fucking geek. Whether it's karate, ballet, jiu-jitsu, I don't give a fuck. Whether you wear a little fag suit

and jump around on the weekends, there's gonna be a church patch on there. You gotta be representing. It's gonna be like a get out of fucking church, a jail-free card. Anytime you're a church member and you see a motherfucker with a church patch on, if he's in a beef, you jump over

and you represent with a fucking new chuck, you hit that motherfucker with a candle. I don't give a fuck, you understand me? It's Monday, November 2nd, get up, cock-suckers. I don't know why you'd have a candle on you. It's because you're trying to Jewish light me. You don't want fingerprints. You're following me, a lighter?

That's fucking fundamental. Anybody could carry a lighter. Walk around with a fucking candle. That's the tough motherfuckers right there. It is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is. Anybody got a lighter? In already lit candle? In already lit, just walk around

like you're looking for fucking Frankenstein. Who gives a fuck, you know what I'm saying? Fuck, cock-suckers. Oh my God, you're fucking crazy. Another thing I wanna tell you people too that's really important. You know, I get all these emails on the weekends. Yesterday I answered like 80 fucking emails.

A lot to do with addiction. That will help them people out by talking about addiction stories and how you fucking recover. This is fucking easy, people. But I gotta talk to you about two things that's really important. Number one, man.

You know what, whatever the fuck you wanna do, don't put a ceiling on you. Like I always, when I first heard that expression, I thought it was the best expression I ever heard in my life. Never put a ceiling on your life. Like just fucking go for it. Just fucking go for it, who gives a fuck? And we are doing,

we're all going to the movies to get on the 25th. I can't wait. You know, and I can't wait. We're gonna get popcorn, the church is going on the school fucking outing. When was the last time your fucking church took you to the fucking movies and you smoked dope? And you ate at a booze and you got to hang out

with a flying fucking Jew on Christmas Eve. Christmas day, that's what we're doing this year. We haven't picked a movie to the yet. We just don't know what grudge match is gonna be. Somebody sent me a very interesting email and I wanna talk about it. They said, you're making this thing. What if the movie sucks?

Who gives a fuck? Seven out of 10, the movie's gonna suck. They all fucking suck. It's not a fucking movie. It's about a fat fucking felon that was confused just like you motherfuckers are. That didn't know what the fuck he was gonna do and just started doing something stuck with it.

And eventually all these motherfuckers were going to parties and ha ha hon it and going on Comedy Central. I must have hit the right nerve and got on the right fucking movie. That's it. We're not celebrating nothing else. We're celebrating movement.

We're not even celebrating me. We're celebrating fucking movement that there is fucking hope for your pathetic fucking ass. Cause I was a pathetic cock sucker and there's hope. They don't know. They never don't know I used to rob fucking people. You know what I'm saying? With new chucks and a candle.

They don't fucking know. The point is we celebrate movement cock suckers. And sometimes that's the best thing in the world is celebrate. You see one of your friends, a somebody you like and he makes a fucking killing. You celebrate movement. You don't celebrate him.

Who gives a fuck about that fucking cock sucker? Yeah, that's kind of a shitty thing to say. It wasn't a shitty thing to say. It's correct. I felt the same way when I opened my mouth but who gives a fuck? This is the church. And it's all about fucking movement.

It's about movement. It's about being somewhere and then being somewhere else in a short period of time. And you put your balls on the line and you don't give a fucking. You don't look back. And you don't look. Nobody's stepping your fucking way.

And if they do step in your way, you kick them in the fucking nuts and you spit on them and you go fuck you cock sucker. Yeah, well. This train is moving forward. You know what I'm saying? I guess, but like it's, I hate when people do that when like,

like just let's say the movie sucks. Let's say it's a bomb. Let's say it sucks. You worked hard on it. The director, everyone on it worked hard on it. So I mean, yeah, it's up, but why not go and have a good time Christmas night? I just hate like, like that's something I had to work.

Like, why would that be the first place your mind goes when it says Joey Diaz and Lee are gonna go and we're gonna have fun and have popcorn? Why would your first thing be like, what if the movie sucks? What, remember when you told one of your friends, remember when you were full of your friends and Lee probably told your friends, I'm thinking of moving out to LA.

What do you want to go out there for with all those faggots and fucking freaks and fucking Mexicans? Right or wrong? What do you want to go out there with all those fucking freaks out there at the beach, playing bongo drums and walking around barefoot? The same, those are the same people.

They're scared before the party even fucking starts. They get scared before the party even starts as they're getting dressed. They look in the mirror and they say, fuck this, this ain't gonna work. And that's why you don't look in the fucking mirror. You just go straight. They don't want you to look in the fucking mirror.

Just go straight. Who gives a fuck what you look like as long as you got your one hand on your cock and the other hand on your heart. It don't give a fuck what you're wearing, bitch. They don't give a fuck what you're wearing. When you go to hell, you think they give a fuck what you're gonna have on,

but you got one hand on your cock and one hand on your heart and they can't burn them. And that's what makes you move fucking forward. Tell them to think you say that. These fucking youngsters don't know. No, but Lee came out to California. He had that job with America's Funnest Home Videos. I don't know if anybody told him not to do it,

but he was a savage. He's a savage. He packed his car up to a bunch of California in a week. Let's eat a fucking animal. I'm over now talking about savage. You're eating the whole thing today. Me and fucking Dick just got a little piece. Go say we're having breakfast delivered.

What kind of breakfast? I don't know. Fuck it. It wasn't something that... But uh... But no, it's crazy. I'm getting it more now. You're half of it.

You're the other half to zombie. Don't eat half of it. He's half of it. Who gives a fuck? Because whatever he don't eat, you're eating. That's fine. I do it more. That's a real son right there.

He's taking the bullet for his dad. But uh, so I'm getting it more now now that I'm not working a full-time job. Cause it's what you were saying. It's putting a ceiling on what you can make. I could make... Yeah, I made... So I made X amount of dollars working on a job every day.

And that's great to have, but if I work hard at this, I could make way more than that. If I do a shitty job, I can make less. But like the hope... That's... It's scary to people. And I know the guy who asked you the question

wasn't trying to be an asshole. No! I'm not mad. I just hit the question. He asked me like going, Joey, aren't you scared that the movie's gonna suck and you're sitting there with your friends? You know like when you dress up like a Boston Red Sox

and you go to a game and they lose and you gotta walk home with that Red Sox suit on? Like a fucking idiot. You got your hat on. It's like going to a Halloween costume and you got the worst outfit. How are you gonna have a drink now? You're so conscious.

I got the ugliest fucking Halloween suit at the party. You know what I'm saying? Listen, man, there's some people that they look at that shit, you know? I don't look at that. I look at the accomplishment. Just from zero to fucking coming out and not knowing because we don't know.

I love going to movies like that with friends though because I know the first time you're on stage that everyone's gonna scream, go, go! And like the poor fucking 10 people who were in that theater who didn't know about it and all this. Listen, we're taking over a movie, dude. Nobody's ever done this on Christmas fucking day.

Nobody, not even Al Pacino and Godfather 3 came out. It came out on Christmas day. Godfather 3 came out on Christmas day. People were furious. Furious, furious. How can a movie like that come out on Christmas day? I went, what are your options? You wanna sit around with a bunch of boring fucking

Anglos or you wanna go to a fucking movie and smoke some dope and see Al Pacino kill white people? What would you rather fucking do? Yeah, they don't get it. I don't give a fuck. I'm happy that I was in it. You understand that 20 years ago I sat in a fucking room crying at night

circling comedy clubs that I was gonna play at, hopefully someday if I was good, hopefully someday, you know? Cause I was a piece of shit. I got locked up. I had no mother, you know? God didn't choose me on the right side. I might as well have been one of those black people

in Africa who flies on me. Fuck it! It's Monday, cock-suckers. Wake up these neighbors. Fuck them, break them up. Oh God, this is the last try. I already know it. Fuck these people.

You gotta let them know who the captain is in the Enterprise, you know what I'm saying? Oh my God. If anyone has an apartment for rent out there and greater loss in English. Fuck an apartment. We're gonna get you a tent. You're going back on the fucking woods like a soldier.

Back to the woods, I've never been in the woods. Fuck, back to the woods. You've been up in Boston. You go to Maine or whatever, don't you? Yeah. And jump up and down. You're going back to the woods. We're taking it back deep.

The murky waters of the underworld. What's up, Mrs. Sayah? You high? Very high, yeah. You ain't seen nothing. You wanna roll another one? You know how to roll a joint? You still got it.

I fucking don't have no more papers. I'm slipping. And there was papers here. That fucking maid took them back to the sucker. Yes, she did, cause I left her. Red orange roll here, remember? I know. Don't say no.

Don't fucking keep telling me no. I know. I'm talking about it. I was like, I look at all this weed here. Oh, there's more joints over here. Thank God, cause we're running out of reefer. Well, Jesus, how much weed is there here? I know.

You gotta get it together, Lee. And then there's a bag of fucking roaches. Then if there's ever an earthquake and we're locked in here, Lee's gonna make a million dollars of fucking roach. Those roaches are deadly in there. Look at it. Yeah. You should put that in your luggage.

Take it down to the plane, we'll go fucking down. Combustion. That thing hasn't been opened. That little canister of roaches, it stinks. You open that, you dip it, you clean all the ashes, you open up each joint, you roll it into a big fucking joint. That's where the hash comes in. It just caramelizes on the weed from you inhaling,

right up here. So now there's 20 of those joints in a joint, you know what I mean? Oh, there's more than 20 of those fucking, I'm surprised you're not gonna take that for New Year's Eve. Oh, here we go. Oh shit. Oh shit.

It's my brother, Durin Hanukkah. Right on time. Brother, you're always on time. Bobby Slayton on the line, you bad motherfucker, how are you? Oh my God, how are you, Joey D, Matt Slayton, what's happening to my brother? You know, it's a beautiful fucking day

to be alive here in Los Angeles. The sun's out. You got the world by the balls. How was the Hollywood Improv Saturday night? You know, the Hollywood Improv, you know, it's so funny because that place, you know, I don't play in LA very much anymore because you know, I'm always on the road when I'm home.

I, you know, I just don't like going out. I like being home, but it's always such a hassle to drive around LA, but you know, the Hollywood Improv, it's a, I don't know if you remember the old day, you were like the Laugh Factory Comedy Store guy. Where do you play up there? I'm a Laugh Factory guy now

because that's who gives me spots. The Improv gives me a spot once a month. Right. Comedy Store, I haven't stepped foot in there in seven years, six years, so. Yeah, you know, they never gave me the timing day when I came down from San Francisco. Back in the seventies or eighties, you know,

and everybody that went to the comedy store or went to the Improv, there were a few guys that worked both places, but you know, it was always the women comics, and big loud comics, the prompt comics, and you know, Howie Mandel, and I mean, there's a lot of guys in comedy store, but the Improv was always cooler.

You know, with Seinfeld, it was Leno, it was Larry Miller, Rick Overton, you know, it was more just stand-up guys about the bullshit, and but anyway, what I'm going to tell you is, it's just amazing, because when I was back in the eighties, you know, they'd have this big line up of comics, the place was packed every night, and things have changed, you know,

they remodeled the place, it's beautiful, but it's like, you know, you were telling me, I was telling you the other day, it's like, what do you have to do now to sell tickets? It's amazing to me. I go on Kevin and Bean on K-Rock, which, you know, if you play the comedy magic club, and you do Kevin and Bean,

they tell me they get more people, this is just LA, that going on their show, sells more tickets than you go on the Tonight Show with Leno. I mean, Leno, of course, or the Tonight Show with Fallon, would be big all around the country, but as far as the link, you know, that is a big show. So I did that show, then I did Heidi and Frank in K-L-O-S, and you know, the calls trickle in, the shows were fine,

I put a lot of hotshot friends on it, Bill, but to sell tickets to this goddamn town, you know, it's really, if you're not on television, it's fucking impossible. Well, it's not even a television aspect of it. I played San Diego this weekend, the American Comedy Company, and that was my first time, Bobby,

that's why when we were talking, I didn't have answers for you. I'm usually a Madhouse comedy club guy. Right. But when my agent called the Madhouse and wanted to do a door deal, they said they didn't do well with door deals, and primarily that they didn't do well with a towel, and it really fucked with me a little bit,

so a couple of weeks ago. Well, you know what, you told me they didn't do well with David Tal, you know what, I love David Tal. David Tal's one of the great comics. Greatest, fucking greatest. Yeah, he's one of the greatest, and I don't mean this to put down Dave, but when you said that they, I heard in clubs now,

you know, it's how he had a show on Comedy Central, was selling out theaters all over the place, okay? And people tell me, David Tal, of course, is still great, and he still sells tickets, but not like he used to, and it makes me feel good, not because of his situation, but it makes me realize I'm not alone in this fucking mess. You know, it is so horrible out there. You know what happens now,

there's kids out there that go to comedy clubs. People my age in their 50s don't want to go to comedy clubs for many reasons. Number one, you see a lot of shitty shows. You might get the good acts every three or four weeks, but what these clubs do, and you know, they pay the good acts, five, 10, 15,000, and then they pay the thousand dollar act,

so I have, you know, just open micers, middle acts, so people still go to, you know, I can't tell you how many times I play a comedy club, and the MC goes, how many people are here for the first time, and you get a big raise of hands of people that have been there for the first time, how many people have never been to a comedy club, and there's more, it's amazing.

So people go to a comedy club, they see a crappy show, then there's DUIs, then there's a parking problem, then there's the asshole kids on the cell phones. It's the same fucking nightmare when you go to the movies. It's easier to stay home, get Netflix, buy a blue-ray player, you know, order in a pizza. So to put answers in seats now is impossible. There are people out there that don't know who David Tell is,

and he's a lot younger than I am, so when I go play these comedy clubs, none of my credits need anything anymore, which is understandable. He was a dream girl, he's a rat pack, HBO, TV, you know, nobody, it's 10 years ago, it's old news. But here's the deal, Bobby, here's the real deal that comes to mind.

When I did Spider-Man 2, I remember couldn't get to the set because they used to give you, what's that red drink? Oh, the Red Bull? What's the other shit, the juice that was hot 10 years ago? Not cranberry juice. Pomegranate? Pomegranate, do you remember pomegranate 10 years ago? It was $6 for a fucking cup,

and it cleaned your digestive system, and I remember I would do blow for three fucking days, and I thought just cause I drank a gallon of pomegranate juice, I was fucking clean and sober, like I felt good. So I would go to the set and drink the fucking pomegranate juice, guess what? When you go to the store now,

pomegranate juice, they're giving that shit away. Right, well, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's like anything else, Bobby, but here's the deal, that I don't understand, that pomegranate juice didn't get any better. You're a tremendous way better comic than you were six years ago.

I'm well aware of that. David Tell is way better comic. I just bumped into Wendy Liebman, I'm in her neighborhood, another one that 10 years ago was killing them on stage, and now can't give away a ticket, and she goes, she can't get people to call them back, that used to take her out to dinner.

That's the way life is, but it's so weird that I try to talk about this all the time, and especially with comedy, if Slayton's in your town, go down there. It's not this, it's to see a good comic. It's to see a good fucking comic from hero to fucking 45 minutes. What is wrong with you people?

You people will go buy a ticket for David Spade, who doesn't do stand up. He's a TV guy, got no disrespect for David Spade. Fucking Bobby Slayton has worked hard at this, fucking Chris Titus, these are 20 year veterans that were fucking hot 10 years ago, but now they've evolved. Big Poppy won it for the fucking Red Sox this year.

How old do you think that fucking big spick is? You think he's really 27 in his prime? He's 48, even my birth certificate looks like tic-tac-toe, they've erased it so many fucking times. That's what happens when you're a fucking spick, but he had to be that big old guy to help them win the World Series. I don't care how many young guys he had hitting 300.

Without Big Poppy, he was the fucking glue. You gotta give these older guys the respect they deserve. I can't wait to see you again, Bobby. I can't wait to see guys like Jimmy Schuber. I don't see these guys anymore. I watched 10 years ago and go, wow, these guys are great. Well, guess what? They don't stop working.

Well, you know what? It's, well, I almost am. It's got to the point right now. You know, I remember about three years ago I did a show talking special and you know, it got me a little, it came out really well. You can still out there on Netflix. Oh, and the money's pouring in from that.

But you know, it was a little bump in business. Things took off a little bit. But you know what happens now? There are so many specials and there's so much out there. It's the same thing with books. It's the same thing. You know, when I was younger, the record would come out. You know, the record would be on the end cap

of the record store. And you know, it would be five or 10 releases a week. Now there are thousands of releases every day. I mean, there's independent stuff, there's stuff on iTunes, YouTube. There's almost too much stuff out there and people look as much as I love the internet and it's great for all of us.

You know, I'm not going to be some old fart. I'll tell you about the old days. You know, this internet and all the stuff and YouTube and Twitter and it's all great. But you know what? There's so much of it now that everything has become just watered down. And you know what it is?

They want to get younger people in the comedy club. So when kids in their 20s come to the comedy club for whatever reason, they hear me on the radio or they just got a free ticket and the show always goes great. But they're not coming to see me. And again, my audience, you know, Chris Titus, I love Titus, he does great

because he has a special, brilliant man. He has a special, like every year in Comedy Central. That's the younger audience. Comedy Central won't even put guys like me on anymore. They won't put guys, it's a fact. And I don't want to tell you something that will fuck with the Kennedy assassination and the conspiracy theory,

but they are going for a younger demographic and Comedy Central, that fucking, con Chelsea Handler, you know, it's that kind of crap that people want to see. And there's been some great comics that Chelsea Handler, don't get me wrong, but it said horrible, horrible little gay gebs that sort of bequeen, slaps everybody down,

puts them in their place, but it has certainly made a lot of comics. And there were comics that go on Chelsea who are great for 15 minutes. I mean, really good. I don't really watch your show, but there are some great comics, but they don't have the chops and they can't do an hour.

But what happens, so it's shows like this that put the people out there. I'm not doing these shows. So, you know, the last time I did Jimmy Fallon, who's one of the few people that have been great to me, you know, when Fallon came on, he put me on a show, he said the nicest things you could ever say, and it was a great five-minute shot.

I mean, the first guy doing comedy for 30 years can't do a great five-minute shot. And I was playing, I think, Gotham in New York City. And the phone rang, they got a dozen calls. And when I did George Lopez's show, the Mexicans are coming to see me, they got another half a dozen calls. So it's like the Urban X, the Mexican X, you know,

middle-aged white people, not support middle-aged white people, unless you're on Broadway. I mean, you look at some guys our age, or my age, or older, and Louis Black, you look at Joe Rogan, great great comics. But they have their outlets, they have their television, their podcasts, they have,

so there are a lot of great comics my age working because they're out there, and they're great. But, you know, there are guys, there are 50 more guys that suck, and they're getting as much work as anybody. And it's, I don't know how to do that. Well, there's another side of the coin to this. There's another side of the coin to this,

the other side of the coin is that you have to run with the times. You know, five years ago, there was a fighter named, and I talk about this all the time, he was a black guy, something Alexander. He was from Nebraska, and he came into the UFC, and he knocked, he looked like a fucking black King Kong Bobby Slade.

Bald-headed, punching people, and you look at this guy through the cover, Bobby, and you go, you know what, who gives a fuck? There's just another fucking super fly guy. Well, one day I found out, Bobby, that the guy had four kids, the wife was cracked up, she ended up leaving, or dying. He brazed these four kids by himself, Bobby.

He got up at four in the morning, went to the gym, went home at six, made breakfast for these kids, put him to school, then he drove a UPS truck till five, then he went home, cooked, and then at eight o'clock, when all the kids were in bed, he went to the gym till 10 o'clock at night, he'd get home, drink a protein shake, and go to bed and do it all over again.

Five days a fucking week, Bobby, you know what? That made me like that fucking big, Godzilla-looking fucking black dude. And the same thing is happening with comedy, it's like 24-7, we have to give them the other side of our lives. They want more now, Bobby, and they'll pay the money once they come see you.

That's the outlet for them. So it's a complete different game. And I didn't know it, Bobby, till the most outrageous person explained it to me. Some lady in marketing explained it to me what you need to do today. If I was a fucking plumber, Bobby, and I've said this a thousand times,

I would be on Twitter. If I was a plumber today, I'd be on Twitter, clean your pipes $20 off, because it's where people are going. They don't go to the papers no more, Bobby. They don't go to radio no more. So the other half of that is we have to evolve also. And the comics that have evolved have also picked up.

David Tell is taping a special this week in New York for Comedy Central with R-rated comics. I know they didn't call your ass. Well, you know what? Where's my fucking foot? But they put Allie Wong on there, who's not even fucking dirty. I have no disrespect for Allie Wong.

She's a cute fucking Chinese chick from San Francisco who cracks me up, but you're a veteran of the game. So whose fault is that? Well, you don't know. Is that Comedy Central's fault? Is that our fault, Bobby? They didn't talk to me either. But there's all ranges on there that they talk to you.

So that's the other half of it. Louis Katt's one of the comics, actually. I didn't know about that special. Louis Katt's one of the comics came in and did a set and opened up for me, and he told me about the special. And you know what it is? But the whole point is, you know,

you talk about that fighter, which is why I don't like the bitch, because there's certainly guys out there that have worked harder and working their ass up. The two things, though, you know what it is, Velma, I'm in my fifties already, and I'm fucking tired. You know, you get a guy like that, and I'm not taking anything away from him,

because even when I was younger, if I could do what that fighter did, I doubt it. I raised one kid, and I didn't. Certainly didn't do what he was doing. But you know what? When I was raising my daughter, and she was a baby, and I got up at six in the morning and took her to school, and still went on the road, and still did my radio.

You think you have the energy. And after a while, you know what? You started getting beaten down, my friend. You started not giving a shit. You try to hold your head up high, which I am. And it could be worse. Okay, I'm up now talking to you, but you start getting tired, you start getting beaten down.

But the reason David Tell didn't call me is the same reason. The same reason, when I had a few little shows, people were, why didn't you call me? Because you know what? There's 50 guys out there. 50 guys. Hey, if I would've known about the show,

and I would've called David. They can only put so many people on. There's so many comics now, and there's so many people working that, you know, you just gotta, I mean, Louis C.K., I ran into Louis C.K. a couple years ago at the comedy festival. So God, I'd love to do, you know, your TV show sometime.

Because I'd love to have you on. I'll put you on. But you know what? There's a million guys, and there's so much out there that you can't help everybody, and remember everybody. And it's just tough, man. It's the problem. You gotta work it from every fucking angle.

You know, I'm a kid full of comedy. Which is really funny. I get six, seven thousand followers. But you know what it is? There's a lot of people that are sitting on Twitter. And a lot of people sitting on Facebook are not my audience. You know, I mean, they have jobs,

they have families, they have better things to do. Although I'm not saying they're any role with that. It's just really, really tough out there to get that following. I say something that I think is funny and outrageous, and I get 10 people following me, then I say something else, I lose half of them. So, you know, that does help.

You know, it certainly does help. It's kind of a polygamy. I'm writing my book, and the book is almost done, and it really came out well. But like you said, nobody's publishing a book. If you know about 150,000 Twitter followers, it's a different world. It's a different world.

I know, and I'm just tired of it, because I don't want to sound like a quitter or loser, I'm certainly whining. But it hasn't really helped me a lot, you know. And I'm still busy trying to write new jokes and write material all the time. That's what all my energy goes into. It's really, really tough.

And you know, when you told me that it's tough for a guy like you to tell to get work, you know, my buddy, Jake Johansson, there's another guy. Oh my God! How many fucking, how many, how many Letterman appearances did he do? Well, here's about 50 Letterman appearances,

and I think I've seen only 40 of them. They're all brilliant. Brilliant! And this is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Guy can't sell a ticket. Guy can't get her. Nobody knows who Jake Johansson is. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?

Well, you know what it is? I mean, take something simple. You know, when I talk to an audience, and I look at a lot of the young kids, you know, a lot of them can't name the four Beatles. And don't tell me it's before your time. So's the guy in the dollar bill. So's Thomas Edison.

So are the Little Rascals. You know, I mean, yeah, it's all before your time. And I'm not gonna have to be an expert in this shit, but you know, it's so mind-boggling to me when people are on Twitter following Subway and the Olive Garden and Demi Lovato. I mean, that's the mentality. And when you get a guy, like, you know,

there's a lot of great music coming out today, but if you can't tell me one Chuck Berry song, and you don't know who Elvis Costello is, who, you know, even as Generation X, they're even old. Social Distortion and Green Day are old, but you know, you need to know all this stuff, because everything around today, from the comedians, I see a lot of young black comics,

and a lot of young white comics working today, urban idiots, there are a lot of good ones. Don't get me wrong, just like the white comics. But a lot of them, you know, people go see them, and they don't even know who Eddie Murphy was, let alone Richard Pryor, let alone Bill Cosby. Nobody cares anymore. And that's why people like Carlos Mencia,

you know, who's such a fucking load, great performer. But the fact that he steals so much material and got to this point, I've had people say to me when I bitched about, who do you care? Who do you care? Everybody steals material. No, they don't. People are so fucking stupid that they think

that everybody steals material. Everybody, you know, and it's, Jeff Dunham with his goddamn puppets, people have the mentality of 14-year-olds. I mean, Jeff Dunham is a fine, ventriloquist, but I once walked into one of his shows, and the yahoo, the idiots, the toothless, rodeo-loving white people,

it's horrendous to me, the kind of shit that most people want to see. And they want to listen to Demi Lovato, they want to take, you know, it's just... You sit there and you can't believe it. It's like cheap, cheap, cheap prick friends. I could never understand why you would go to a fucking cheap trick show.

I never understood till this fucking day they had one good fucking song, and after that, I don't get it. But I sat there and I tolerated it. They had to put it in between Pink Floyd and fucking Led Zeppelin. You have to sit there like a fucking soldier. You know what it is, man?

But I'm gonna tell you something, Bobby. Whether they don't want to come out, whether they're old, whatever, you know what? I fucking did not think I was gonna be doing comedy at this age. Once I started getting white hair, I started feeling more and more insecure about my standup, more and more insecure about why I was doing this,

what the fuck was I thinking? And then I thought of something. I thought of 1984. I thought about the summer of 83 when I don't even fucking drink. And me and three of my buddies snuck beers in to see a movie called Easy Money. And we were all waiting to see this fucking old guy,

Rodney fucking Dangerfield, who had no fucking career, who was a fucking salesman who kept writing jokes and who believed himself. And all of a sudden he started doing spots again, but I, and that's what keeps me awake every day. I don't look at my white hair no more. I don't look at the wrinkles on my face.

I look at what I have to offer in a way. I've been doing this for 20 years, just like you, Bobby. And we have a life. And we have- I've been doing this for 35. Wow. And I have to expose this shit. And you know what?

You're gonna have to fucking shoot me to fucking stop me at this age. And you know what, Bobby? I think it's time that they're gonna have to shoot you too. It's time to get on Twitter. It's time to get on Facebook and fuck these motherfuckers in the ass and show these motherfuckers

why your families came from fucking rushing part of fucking Israel and sling some fucking dick, Bobby, straight. You understand? Yes, you're close. Well, the Israeli part of Russia, whatever the fuck it was, all right, fuck, fuck it. Get it together.

It's tight. You're one of the baddest motherfucking comics I know. Stop the fuck. Get all this shit out of your head. We're going for broke in 2014. You understand me, Bobby Slayton? You know, it's funny. The last time I did your podcast,

the last time we talked like this, whatever it was, six, eight months ago, you know, I actually got 20 followers, which is, for me, tremendous. I do these big shows around the country. I think Open Anthony, the same thing happened, but I go to all these cities and be up for hours and they trickle in, but the Mount Flavor show,

holy shit, it was nice, you know, because you got that great following. You get that Rogan following. These people are fucking, these people just want realism. The survivors were fighters who, you know, and that's the audience that matters out there now, you know? They're the ones that come out and have the best time. I don't want the people to come out because I'm a fad.

I don't want people to come out because I ha ha and he he. I want, I'm so happy that the podcast world came because I was so sick and tired. When I did the longest yard, Bobby, these people would come to me before the show and hug me and ask me how nice of a person Adam was. And after the show, they would step five feet away from me

because they thought I was going to go up there and fall on my face and slapstick and do knock knock fucking jokes. But now the people that are coming to the audience actually want to hear what I have to say because they know what my insides are about. It's a different game now. If I go up there and say,

I'm going to stab a fucking nun in the pussy, they don't leave there and go home and write it on Yelp. They know that I'm fucking nuts. I'm just talking shit. So all this has helped. All this has definitely helped. And I love these people. Bobby, I loved, they're not my fans.

We're a fucking family. You know, Bobby, when we were young, we looked, we put a picture of Keith Richards up. We were a fan of Keith Richards. And you talked to Keith Richards on Twitter, Bobby. I don't know. No, no, no. But you could talk to Bobby Slayton

and you could twit Joe Diaz and I'll tell you whatever the fuck you want to know in time. And that's, sorry, I yell, we're going to get evicted. Yeah. But Bobby. It's funny. Somebody told me five years ago that Joey Diaz began at 5.30 in the morning

and doing a podcast a couple of times a day. I said, you know what? I never thought this would happen, but it's great. Bobby, even when I was doing fucking blow until 4.30, I was up walking around at six just to make sure it was a beautiful day to be alive. I've always gotten up early. This is when I get up to write my book.

You know, everybody's sleeping. My dog's sitting on my lap and I get up and I work on this book, which should come out one of these days. You know, if I got to publish it myself, but I don't even have the money to do that. And everybody, you know, I've paid for all these photographs. It's going to be, you know, there's so many books out there.

This is not some kind of groundbreaking. It's not a new Bible. I'm not, you know, reinvented the wheel here. But you know, I put these stories together and I think it's in such a funny way. And it's, I'm just, I just get up every morning and I work on it for an hour or two. You know what's funny, Bobby?

Like, I like it. You know, what am I going to do? I'm like everybody else. I like to get entertained. The only way you could create is by getting entertained first. I should send you a couple of chapters of my book. Please do. Twitter to me, or Facebook, or whatever you need to do.

But here's the deal, Bobby. You know, you could, I forgot what the fuck I was going to say here. What was I talking about here? I'm going to make them laugh after I entertain them. No, you have to fucking entertain them, right? I don't fucking know what I'm talking about. See, this is what I'm talking about. So, I'm getting back to, I want to just tell you this.

So, about two years ago, two, three years ago, me and Jake Johansson, you know, again, 45, 50 brilliant lettermints. And him and I decided, hey, we should do a couple of shows together because a lot of guys do that. You know, a lot of really good comics. We can't sell it at the theater. They team up and so we went to Boston

and it was right when my showtime special, Born to Be Bobby, came out at showtime, gave it some really good time. I think they put it on, you know, right at prime time and they really plugged it. I mean, you know, for a month or so, I said, 40 more specials coming out after that. So, we went out there and we played a couple

of really nice clubs up in the Boston area, up in New England. And, you know, we got at all the radio stations and I got on the rock stations and he got on the top 40 stations in the newspapers, wrote some great stuff. And again, he was just on a letterman and I just came off the showtime special.

And, you know, we went to these clubs. The shows were great and we fought like 100 tickets. You know, and it's like, then I go, what do we have to do? What do I have to do? It's just, and like I said, I'm not going to quit fighting, but you're just not getting so beaten down, Joey D.

And by the way, email me, send me your email so I can send you a few chapters of this book. I especially want to send you the one when I almost got into the fifth fight with Journey, with Jack Asses, when I posted the Bay Area Music Awards and doing blow backstage and all these rock stars. You know, I was like, Jake Lamotta, it was sending me back out there,

you never got me down right. And it was, I mean, it was a nightmare at the time. And it was on live radio before they had the seventh second of the light. And it was anyway, it was just a chapter, I think you'd appreciate of my many chapters of the book. Fuckin' Journey. But it's so weird how I've learned a lot from reading books,

but the biggest lessons I've learned are from reading biographies. I love biographies. I fucking love them. You know what I got right now? It's great, you know what I got right now? Because that's all I read. That's how I love it.

You know what I got right now? And I love all the showbiz biographies, especially. I know I go to gangster ones, you know, history of Chicago. Not only the gangster stuff, but the blues and the history of the blues in Mississippi. And music to me, and the roots of music in Orleans and all this great stuff. I just finished a book right now.

I should send it to you about Doc Thomas. You know, the crippled Jew who wrote a lot of great songs. He wrote Jovellos Vegas, I came to the last dance for me. Lots of amazing stuff. Would hang out in these black clubs, be a crippled Jew. A crippled Jew. How the fuck does a crippled Jew hang out in a black club

when I get the smack? Well, that's why this book is one of the most fascinating. I'm putting this in the mail. You get it? I don't even know if I still have your address. I'll call you when I get out of here and give you everything. I'll see you for lunch or something.

These are those guys at the Brill Building in the 60s. You know, along with Lever and Stoll and all these guys. You know, when Rock and Roll came in, these guys were cast to the side and then he made this big comeback. Anyway, but I love, I'm reading the, you read the Lou Wasserman book, how Ronald Reagan, that fucking prick sold Hollywood

and Sag downstream, you know, oh, it's just great. About how these, oh, it's great. You gotta read this one about Reagan and show business and how nobody gets any kind of checks before it, but he did a show before 1970 because of Reagan and how Wasserman, it was like the mob, how they ran this town. It's a fascinating book.

So we're on the same page, my friend. No, I love it. Bobby Slayton, I love you. You're always a fucking, my favorite to call in whenever you want. You don't even need permission. Just fucking call. You know what?

Let me tell you one more quick thing. Hit me. Because this is very funny. You know, every year I go to the Montreal Comedy Festival, you know, and I host this nasty show. I've been doing this for about 25, 30 years. It's one of the more popular shows at the festival. You know, Rogan did it, Atel did it, Louis C.K.,

Bill Barr. I mean, all these great, great comments, you know. The late Robert Schimmel and, anyway, Don Marrera. So the show sells out every year. We've thousands of tickets. And that's when they're selling all these. So this weekend, I'm going to Montreal. Never been up there in the winter time.

Playing a little place called the Wiggle Room. It's cool, retro, martini, rant-back type bar. They used to open a few months ago. It's 100 seats. 100 seats. We're working Thursday Saturday. The owner called me up because Bobby, listen, you're a friend of mine.

I can't really pay you. But when you like to come up and open up my room, it's a favor. And I said, sure, to be honest with you, between you and I, I need to pay 100,000 miles on American Airlines by the end of the year. He paid for my ticket. I'm going up to play the Wiggle Room.

Tickets weren't on sale the other day. Not even sold out yet. We sold 30 tickets for Thursday, maybe 30 or 40 for Saturday. Which, so there you go. I mean, there's a town that we're working for years and years and years. Pack it every summer.

Can't sell 100 tickets at the Wiggle Room. Well, they're going to fucking pack them in now because we've got Canadian friends that are going to go up there and see you and support the fucking flag, you understand me? Because they're a Joey D show. And you know what? Next week I'm at the Punchline in San Francisco.

That place, I used to play four times a year. They called the house at Bobby Boat. That was my room. That's where I learned how to do stand-up. Was the Punchline in San Francisco. Opened at the Seinfeld, Wallace, Leno, Michael Keaton. And over the years, I would work there in the late Great Bull Graham.

Would have me open for Rocker O-Bands next door. I didn't see the shows at the Punchline. Four times a year, but the comedy business. I saw them there next week, one week a year. Even my hometown of San Fran. My adopted hometown. You know, it's fucking, why'd you sell tickets? So maybe this'll help, but if not,

I still love getting up to do your show. I'm up anyway. I'm going to go back to write my book and send me your email. And I want to send you that book in the mail. I want you to read that Doc Palmer's book. I want to read it. Now I'm going to see you this week.

When you're leaving towards the end of the week, I'll call you later and we'll fucking send you. Call me later, all right? I love you. All right, pal. Thank you, brother. Anytime. What the fuck, Lee?

What the fuck was that, Lee? You didn't straighten them out. You didn't ask them no questions. How are you going to be the next Barpa Walters? Because I mean, he's your friend. I don't give a fuck. You got to get in there. You're Jewish.

I mean, I know he's funny and I'm way too high right now. So I'm really used to it. You mean bad hit you already? Did they hit me already? Stop fucking asshole. You know, when he used to stab a nun in the pussy and I just imagined all I could think about was, does he mean like at the clip or like,

are you going to go under and actually into the pussy? I didn't know where you were going to go. Just stab it right in the fucking monkey, like in the exorcism. Let me give some shout out to my man, Timmy Asnore, Patrick Hammond, Luke Maldon, Matthew Brother. I love you, cocksucker. And Alexander Schiff, the burn one project.

I just like the name. Listen to this name, Robert fucking Bueno. Are you kidding me or what? Dan P, water box and my girl, Joe Hemitz, where I keep missing the calls. I got to call her back. Like I said, we ain't fucking around no more. It's getting towards the holidays.

Listen, you could sit there and scratch your ass and figure out what you want to get for somebody. Or you could spend 70 fucking dollars and get them Dollar Shave Club for the year. Did you think about that motherfuckers? You're there scratching your ass, getting one million, my uncle Tony, he's a nice guy, but he looks like the fucking wolf man half the time.

Get them Dollar Shave Club. Go to my fucking link right there. Press the button to the box. Church, you're a girl, go to me? Yeah, whatever his fucking name is. I don't know, we all got an uncle that forgets to shave and shows up and you look at him and you're like,

look at this fucking bum. Now you don't have to say, look at this fucking bum no more. For 72 dollars, he gets a fucking razor handle and four fucking cartridges with three fucking blades and allo on it. Who's better than you for fucking 72 dollars? For a dollar a month, he gets the Puerto Rican plan,

but who gives a fuck? He ain't gonna give you nothing for Christmas so for 12 dollars a month, a year, you get him the fucking blades, right? Absolutely. No matter where you're at, no matter where the fuck you at with Dollar Shave Club, whether you go to Dollar, the nine dollars or the 12 dollars,

not even one, six or nine. One, six or nine, who's better than fucking you? Get it together, go to Dollar Shave Club, press what into the link? Church. Church, this is the type of motherfucker I am. They ain't even paying me for today, but I'm still telling you

that's how good the fucking product is. There's more fucking savages here at the church and the holidays are coming when we're trying to save you some fucking geeters. The same thing, everybody keeps hitting me up and going, dog, I seen you on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. You know why? Because they got HuluPlus.com, you miserable fucks.

Go to HuluPlus.com right now, pressing. Joey. Into the fucking box, you get two free weeks and it's $7.99 a month after that. Stop your crying. Well, I don't have no money. $7.99 a month, you can stay home the whole fuck for two weeks during the holidays,

jerk off and watch fucking Brooklyn Nine-Nine, law and order SVU and a ton of other shows they got there plus original fucking programming. I don't wanna sound like no fucking mook here, but enough is enough, god suckers. Go to HuluPlus.com, pressing. And get your two free weeks, introductory at $7.99 a month.

And stop, your balls are too heavy. You're trimming with a scissor and you get the razor you get from Dollar Shave Club and you shave around the outside. Now your dick looks fucking beautiful and that's how you do it, cock suckers. Is that right? What's all this fiddle, fellow?

What are you looking at, missus? I don't have a shave club. Are you? That's why I love you. That's why I looking sharp. Yo, I am, but I haven't been shaved. No, you gotta shave. Just because you're hanging out with this fucking guy.

You gotta fucking shave, cock suckers. What else is going on, Lee? It's all, what are your plans for the week? What are your goals this week? What do you want to accomplish? We're gonna put Testicle Testaments six. Yeah, I'm glad. On iTunes over to December,

we're gonna put the other six of them on payloads so a lot of people keep crying to me. I go, Joey, I don't have Testicle Testaments on whatever. You know that, I tell you what people still get from time to time is a documentary. It's a great stuffing, fucking stuffing. How I got my balls, at least I had directed it. Get on fucking ball.

These are all things. I ain't selling your shirts or whatever because I ain't got none yet. The website's coming up. We got patches, cups, hats, a fucking Frisbee, a fucking condom. You gotta get a church or what's happening, a fucking condom.

Oh, that'd be terrifying. When you put that condom on at the end, it's my fucking face. And you get to come in my fucking mouth. Who's better than me? You understand? They're gonna be a dollar a piece, but they're double protective

in case you want to fucking crack hole up the ass. And she got the hiv. Who gives a fuck? That is the most fucked up thing. Can you imagine a fucking church that's happening in our condom and you get to come in my fucking mouth? Who's better than me?

You're just like... That's right. Just like my fucking mouth open. Come on, who fucking people? My mind works in mysterious ways. You don't want to smoke reefer. You're gonna get stuck in the 80s. Smoke some of this shit with smoking.

You get these ideas that Einstein got. Pretty much, I'm looking to invent the underwater fucking light bulb. You know what I'm saying? Talk to me, you fucking juice. How am I something good? You got the flower, the flag of Israel behind you. I'm just imagining now.

Now I'm imagining you doing like the dog pose and you're just pulling your ass cheeks apart. That fucking condom is the most disgusting thing. Hey, I got a kid that needs to eat. You know what I'm saying? I'm shot to the mouth with my kid eats. It's a fucking condom. I hate condoms.

I hate condoms. I hate them too. We like safe sex. No, we're only Christians. Holy shit. You gotta get in there. You gotta get in there. You sniffed that muffler,

put your eyeball in her fucking uterus. That's what it's all about. You keep your eye on that uterus. It might pop out. No, I'm fucking... My goal is to fuck her uterus till it just squeals. You ever hear the uterus squeal? No, no, I've never heard the uterus squeal.

Get it together there. You haven't heard the uterus squeal it's because you're slipping, cock sucker. Monday, December 2nd, not fucking August 2nd, not June 2nd, December 2nd. So you got 28 fucking days, maybe 29 days to get your shit together to get the new fucking year started.

How are you gonna do that? You'll listen to the church. You're gonna take on it. You're gonna fucking whack off. You're gonna do jumping jacks every day. You're gonna drink water and you're gonna fucking live life and you're gonna strap a pair on every day

and tell these motherfuckers, suck my dick. Nobody's getting in my fucking way till it. That's the new shirt. It's 2014, suck my dick. Nobody's getting in my fucking way till it, huh? Are you kidding me? Or what at least are you? I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna stab him, motherfucker.

I know. I'm going to kettlebell class. Then I'm gonna go right and then I'm gonna go to fucking buy a car today. Oh, sure. What do you wanna go with? Don't worry about it, I'll surprise you. What's with the questions?

What's with the questions? You know, all of a sudden he's a private investigator. Like, he knows who I am. What are you gonna do all week? My dad's here until tomorrow after lunch. I'm really happy that the CD, I'm happy with it. I gotta call Joe and let's see what's going on. I also, I'm also calling the guy today.

I'm putting a new CD out on vinyl. That's so cool. On vinyl, motherfuckers. Just for some special collectors with a cover. I'm gonna be with a finger banging my asshole. I'm doing the fucking going all out. I always cried about how you open up an album cover that doesn't talk to you.

We're gonna make this album right if you don't let you know as it comes up. Remember, this Friday I'm at the Caluca Casino Sacramento. Oh, shit. Sadly, I'm at the McDonald's Theater in Eugene, Oregon. Next weekend I'm at motherfucking Nashville. Christmas night, me and Lisa Yacht are hosting a fucking special screening of the Grudge match.

If you don't bring reefer and a bulletproof vest, don't come. All right, and if you don't have it like a little retard helmet, don't come cause shit's gonna go down. And the 31st, I meant fucking John Lovett's Comedy Club. 30 fucking dollars, eight o'clock show. You're home by or at a party by 11.

We get to laugh a little bit. We're gonna have t-shirts up there. Lee will not be there, but who knows? We might have to fucking blow up his plane and he might have to stay and it's all over. That's how we do it. How come you haven't invented, you know the helmet with the two beer cans?

Why can't you invent it with like two joint holes? Because two joints ain't enough. You understand? Not in my fucking world. I need a helmet. I need a helmet surrounded with joints that you just press number two and it lights up. You got like 90 fucking joints cause you're going to war.

You don't even got time to take it off. You don't got time to use your hand to smoke. Nothing, you just put a tube in your mouth with a little guy in a wheelchair and suck on that motherfucker. Make the wheels spin, you know what I'm saying? Make the wheels spin, cock sucker! Where the fuck has this podcast gone to today?

I hope you learned something today, cock suckers. Don't let nobody fuck with your dream. Don't let nobody fuck with you. It's 2014 basically, so don't let nobody stand in your way. It's going to be a great fucking year. Who's that dependent on? You? That's it.

I don't give a fuck about society or the calendar or whether or not people buying shit or whether or not the traffic or Netflix, all that shit could suck your dick. That's all predetermined shit you put in your head. When you wake up in your morning, you grab your cock, you pull the skin back. You look at that fucking peahole

and you tell that motherfucker, today's the day, cock sucker! Today's the day, cock sucker! And that's where you get your motivation from. You don't need Red Bull or Anthony Robbins or Anthony Hopkins or some fucking guru to tell you you gotta look up at the fucking sky. The motivation comes from your fucking nut sack.

You grab those nuts and you say to yourself, Jesus fucking Christ, why did he put these two fucking grapefruits between my legs so I could sit here like a fucking idiot and look around like Buddha or so I could go there and make somebody taste my fucking venom. Pick the side B and you'll be all right.

Go out there and let them taste the venom from your fucking nut sack today. What, Lee? What? I just want to put cameras in your house because I just have the image of you waking up with a robe on with fucking going to the bathroom but like tilting it back and like looking at your people.

I do the whole thing. It's the day motherfucker! As I'm being, I pull that fucking cock back and I scratch my nuts underneath and I sniff them as I look at my cock and I go, today's motherfucking day, Marine. You want to play with the big boys? Today's the day they drop you out of a fucking helicopter

and you take that fucking office hostage. And if you're not leaving the house naked like that, I tell you what, you're leaving with the wrong fucking attitude. That's the truth. You don't leave the house going maybe today. I'm gonna sell, no. I'm gonna fuck you.

Look in the mirror before you leave and today I'm gonna fucking make some motherfucker pay for me waking up. Whether I learned something new, whether I do 10 jumping jacks and guess what? My fucking money is in their fucking pocket. And I ain't got a gun and I ain't got a knife today. All I got is a yo-yo and a fucking big ass heart.

That's all I got. So that's what you need to do. You don't need a gun to make your point. You just need to point your fucking cock and fucking pump that motherfucker like a double barrel shotgun. And for you women do the same, grab that pussy and realize why your father fucked your mother.

Not to make some fucking chick that is a fucking cutty cook, a fucking faggot chick. She fucked your mother so you can become a fucking woman and go out there and you control that fucking monkey. And you know when it's your time to grab a guy by the hand and put this fucking face in your pussy and let him snuggle the root of your fucking patois. That's what Mondays are about.

And I'm saying Lee, what the fuck? If we go down, so it's up to you. Whether you want to go outstanding or you want to go out on your knees. That's all up to fucking you, motherfuckers. Monday, December 2nd. Play that fucking music, Lee. Oh, shit.

What? You didn't read the ads. I'll do it after the song. I love you guys. Stay black, have a good day. And when you get on that bus, tell them all to suck your dick when you got the earphones on. Don't forget to listen to the live podcast today.

We ain't fuckin' around no more. Eh? Eh? I look like that. Yeah! I've been working from 7 to 11 here and I Really make life a drag I don't think that's right

I've really been the best, the best of fools I did what I could, yeah I'm a pours of love, baby, half a love Darling, half a love, baby My beloved girl, little girl Baby, since I've been loving you, yeah I'm about to lose my war and my, oh, yeah Everybody trying to tell me

That you're gonna leave me no good I'm gonna try and Lord, let me tell, let me tell I said I did the best I could I've been, I've been working from 7 to 11 every night I said it kind of makes some love for drag, drag, drag, drag Lord, let me write now, now

Since I've been loving you I'm about to lose my war and my, oh, yeah I said it kind of makes some love for drag, drag, drag, drag Lord, let me tell, let me tell, let me tell I said it kind of makes some love for drag, drag, drag, drag Lord, let me tell, let me tell, let me tell I said it kind of makes some love for drag, drag, drag, drag Lord, let me tell, let me tell, let me tell

I said it kind of makes some love for drag, drag, drag, drag Lord, let me tell, let me tell, let me tell Sit up and cry, yeah Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey

or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner and don't forget to sign up for your dollarshaveclub.com you'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or joeyds.net