Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 12/09/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #134

Episode Date: December 9, 2013

Comedian, writer, and friend of the podcast Mick Betancourt calls in This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/09/2013.

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each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church. That's dollashaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to joeydds.net and click on the dollashaveclub banner. Kick that motherfucker, Lee. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Monday, December 9th, the day the devil was buried at sea.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Wash your pussy, clean your toes, eat some oatmeal, do some jumping jacks, push-ups. What the fuck do you need to do? It's going down, motherfuckers. Crank that motherfucker, Lee. Oh, shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what?

He's rising. He's rising, cocksucker, just like you rising from the dead like Jesus on the third day. Fuck the Jews. I'm making a comeback, bitch. Oh, shit. It's that time. Here we go.

Riding, riding, um, um, um. What? This is one of the baddest fucking jams you'll ever put on. Oh, yay. Here you go, motherfuckers. This is your thing right here. This is the killer right here. Who's the fucking guitar?

This is brilliantly. My fingers are too short. We're taking a little down about an hour ago. Are you kidding me? Took a look around, say which way the wind blows. That's it. We're going to see what's with a little girl in a Hollywood fucking bungalow.

Put that out louder. Where we were rocking that lady in the city. Are you fucking kidding me? What this motherfucker saying? Another lost angel. Come on, Lee. What? Kill that motherfucker, Lee.

I get fired up. You know how long I've been listening to that song for? How long? 47 fucking years. 47 years. 47 years. How ashamed of me? You don't turn me on for that song?

My mother. And then she would put it on at the bar. When he would say Mr. Mojo Rising, she'd make believe she was whacking off. Like, beat that motherfucker, cocksucker. She used to make me dance to this when I was like five. Really? She'd say, get on the fucking table.

Dance to this. Shake those fucking hips. Dolly Hamon, cocksucker. Dolly Hamon, motherfucker. That means give him ham, you dirty bitch. Give him that fucking ham between your legs. Thank you very much for being a part of the church of what's happened tonight.

How you guys doing? Monday, December 9th. It's a beautiful fucking day. Lee, tell me something good, cocksucker. I always, because I was... I, what? I always wish I could play the drums. My fingers are too short to play guitar.

I even tried the other day. I was like, can I play guitar? I mean, the drums, I can't. So why don't you play the drums? Why don't you get a drum kit and we'll get some lessons? No, you're looking for a new career choice. This is what the church is all about, right? No, I would love to learn.

You can bang your fucking head on the drum and put the tambourine and put some gel on your head. It's a light yourself on fire. Do you want fire or do you want fire? Do you want fire? Do you want fire? What's going on, cocksuckers? You don't want to, you should learn how to play the drums.

Take a lesson once a week. Yeah, but... I'm too much of a pussy to go... You know why I don't go get a guitar lesson finally? Why? Because I get infactuated with it. And I just don't have the time right now to get infactuated with something.

I'm having problems with this book. That's what happened last night. That's why I didn't sleep. Because I knew something was missing from this chapter. And I couldn't think of what the fuck it was. And I was tied, I laid down, I got right back up 45 minutes late and started fucking typing. I've been up since like 3.30.

Oh, jeez. Yes, I don't know what type of day we're going to have today. We're going to have a great day, cocksucker. Look at this, this is... Can we tell the story behind it? Yeah, they're 500 milligrams. He had to make 100 milligrams, but I gave Lee... I thought it was 250 milligrams.

And he gave me a half. And he ate a half. And he was fucked up in San Francisco. And you were like, just eat the whole thing, cocksucker. And you're so thick that you can't chew through it. And you got mad at me. And I just didn't move. I was watching Sports Center on Silent for about 3 hours.

You just sitting there like a fucking momo. I kept saying, Lee, get involved. And you're like, I don't really want to. You were in the corner. It was a big green room. And you were in the corner. You couldn't see me. And you were like, at least I...

And I was like, what? He popped his little fucking head up with his little red beady Jew eyes. Yeah, let's take a bite of this motherfucker. Okay. Remember, like I said, he's a nothing. He made a weaker one for you. You could take the hell. A weaker one.

It's still 100 milligrams. Yeah. I'm gonna eat fucking 60 of them. There you go. You got the head. He was just like you. Look how cute he is. Just a little goomy.

From those goomies and monos on a Monday morning. Jesus be with you. Don't start complaining. It's a little fucking head. Don't start breaking it up right away. That's why I can't have you eat on radio. Because you stress me out. You stress me out on the podcast.

Pop it in your mouth. Pop it, bitch. See how big this is, guys? Just so you know what I'm going through. Pop it in your mouth. I just hate the guy's fucking body and his dick. You're eating his little fucking peanut head. Knock it off.

Drink some Pepsi. There you go. Like a soldier. Show these people who the fucking real Marine is. Mm-mm-mm. Look at him. Look at him. He's getting sick.

Look at him. This is why you gotta deal with people. You see him? He's puking like he's eating broccoli with cheese. That shit. Cock-sucker. I'm trying. Don't make me kick you in the stomach.

It's a beautiful Monday to be alive. We're eating nettles here on the podcast. We're getting ready to go. I had a great time. My man, Tom Segura. What's the matter, Lee? Where you going? Don't even think about it.

Swallow that bitch. Make believe it's a broccoli juice with cucumbers and ginger. Close your eyes. Just go. No time. It's huge. He's spitting it out. Can you believe what I got to deal with?

I got three of them on the podcast. We had them on the podcast. Goomieshermarrows. It's a fucking... What happened? I got a bag of gummy bears and melted it into one and tried to chew it. It's huge. It's huge.

Just bite that motherfucker like it's a clit. You bite clits? You suck on a little hard. You work that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? A little bit with your tongue. Anyway, why don't we get on clits at 6.08 in the morning? That's the best time to get a clit.

Beautiful fuck. No, man. I had a great time with Tom Segura. Went to the Colusa Casino. It's about an hour outside of San Francisco. You know, you think you're going to the fucking headquarters of Walking Dead, but it's a beautiful fucking little hotel. I mean, I had a great piece of salmon.

I hate dirty wild rice. You don't like it? I don't like wild rice. This was the best wild rice I ever tasted. The salad was delicious. The show, it was like 400 fucking people. Wow. 200 people didn't belong there and I don't know what the fuck was going on.

I must have walked 100 people at that casino. Really? Yeah, I walk people like it. They're not used to the podcast and the shit and their Christians. They don't need this in their life. I don't want them to watch this anyway. You know, it's just a waste. I don't want to watch nothing.

I don't want to watch. Why would I make, you know what I'm saying? They didn't know what they were getting themselves involved in, but we had a good time. You know, it was fucking cold as shit this weekend up there. If you're not really... It was cold here. If you're not used to it, like this morning, it's 35 degrees. Is it really?

When I got in my fucking car, it was 35 degrees this morning. Yeah. You know, if you're not used to it, that's cold. Some people in Canada and Alberta and all that, like, you're a fucking pussy. You got a damn right, bitch. We're not used to it. You know, I was talking to my wife last night. I don't know if I could go back into the winter after all this time living here.

It sucks. It really sucks because you're not used to it. It's 11... You know, it's been what? 16, 17 years I've lived here. When I was broke in Boston, I wouldn't... There were two years I didn't turn the heat on in Boston. I was just a broke student, so maybe we just...

We didn't turn the heat on. So fucking... But now I have the heat going. I didn't put it on yesterday because when I'm in bed just by myself, I like being cold. But this morning I had to turn it on. No, you had to turn it on. It was fucking cold. When you were broke those two years, you didn't think of putting a thong on and dancing for

old man and that kind of thing. Maybe putting a headpiece on. I did that, but I did it for free. That's what I thought. It's so funny. I was thinking about her. That's one of the funniest stories ever. The funniest crack I ever laid on somebody.

It's a great comedian, Shea Matash. And she met this guy. I was supposed to go to Alaska and I canceled because I had, like, some movie or something and I canceled and she went up there. And she met a guy up there and they fell in love the first night. He was a karaoke host. Oh, God. And she tattooed his name on a pussy.

It was classic shit. What? They moved back here. They got a house together. And she's like suspicious. She doesn't know how he's making money. He's jittery and shit. And I guess one day she went through his emails and she found emails of him.

He used to dance for old people. Like he put, like, a thong on and go to old guy's house and dance for him. And I didn't think he wouldn't let them touch him. They just jerk off on his feet or whatever they think he does. Oh, my God. So, you know, whatever. Some people make a living in weird ways, you know. You know, Twitter's a motherfucker.

And she found out, she threw him out. I guess he was getting the money and using it for crank or whatever. So I bumped into her one day and I'm like, shame her. How's your boyfriend doing? And she was pale. She didn't want to tell me. And I'm like, she's like, why? Why do you ask her?

There was some old guy asking questions about her. She fucking turned fucking 90 colors. Yeah. Anyway. And then Saturday night, we went over to the McDonald Theater in Eugene, Oregon, which fucking, Oregon's a great state. I've heard of that. Oregon's a fucking great place.

Oregon's, like, it's not like California. It's just very laid back. The people are very laid back. When you move to Oregon, you know you want to move to Oregon. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like people who move to Oregon are like, I know the pace up there and that's the pace I want to live my life.

Is Eugene like a city? I don't even know. I think there's a college in Eugene. No, there definitely is a college in Eugene. I think it's state or whatever. I get confused. It's been a long time since I lived up there. It's not that I don't follow you guys, just it's been a long time.

I think Oregon State is Corvallis and Eugene is your, I always lose it. But it's like a small fucking city. They got everything. You know, I've been, in 1996, me and Josh Wolf worked on Pre-Fontaine up there. A lot of people don't know that. There was a movie called Pre-Fontaine that the Scientologist produced, his company. And it was with Billy Kudrup, the really cute blonde, and the coach was played by Donald Sullivan.

Okay. And Josh Wolf had a gig through Warner Brothers of going up there and it was an outdoor movie with an audience. So he was the audience warm-up. And I was like, he's assistant. There was an audience for a movie? Yeah, because like the longest yard, those people sit there in the stands in between their extras.

Oh, okay. So the audience, so you got to keep them entertained. You got to do raffles. You got to give out t-shirts. Somebody's handing out water. Those people, you lose interest. They lose. And to keep them there, you have to raffle a car at the end.

A Toyota. So we already had it down. After we did it the first time, they said, you're doing it in three weeks. We're going to rob a fucking car. Because Nike was giving away shit sneakers. I mean, there was a room that was just packed with gifts. Wow. Packed.

I thought they just paid them 100 bucks a day and they expected them all to be happy and jump around. You know, they don't give a fuck about that shit, but they need to entertain you. Because after two hours you'll go, you know what, who needs this shit? I don't need to be here sitting here like a fucking Momo. You know, those people that get, you know, I got an email yesterday about a kid that asked me about acting. Okay.

And even I knew. Even I knew coming here. Like when my first month here, people were asking me, like I would go to these places like they brought ads. Being a movie today, you know, something like that, work today as an extra. And I would go down there and then you go down there and like we want 35 fucking dollars to sign you up. And you're like, what the fuck?

Why would I pay to work? And they're like, whoa, you're going to pay 30 bucks, but tomorrow you're going to make 250. We already got a call from a mob guy. Really? Just like that. You got a call from a mob guy, you know? So I thought about it and they kept calling my manager.

Tell him to come down here. And he was like, you're not going down there. You're not going to be no fucking extra. You know, I want you to learn acting from the inside out. And that's why I took an acting class and I got an agent and I went to auditions. I never fucking worked as an extra. I did a stand work in Seattle for a video, an industrial video for AT&T one time where I would pick up boxes and move them, but nobody had lines.

Do you know what I'm saying? All we had to do was pick up boxes while a guy talked. You know, I don't like how they treat extras. That's a tough fucking job. Is it shitty? I've never been on like a set like that. It's not that it's shitty, but there's union extras and there's non-union extras. There's union extras?

Yeah. There's union extras that make $250 a day, $400 a day doing commercials and shit like that. And then there's, what do you call that? Like non-union extras where they just basically stab them out the way out. They don't give a fuck about these people. And what do you learn? To stand there in the direction to the angles?

You know, like a lot of people go to move here to get vouchers to get into SAG. You know how tough it is to get a fucking voucher as an extra? What's a voucher? I think you need three vouchers to become a SAG member if you don't book two things. So there's a couple of different ways to get into the Screen Actors Guild. You could book a job and then you become Tav Hartley. You don't have to join the union. The first one's always free, whether it's after a SAG, but now they both merged.

So now it's whatever the fuck it is, after a SAG, after a life, whatever the fuck they do, they are what they are. I have to be a part of the union to work in movies. That's the only reason I'm a part of this union. So there's two different ways. You get three vouchers or five vouchers. I could be wrong. You don't fucking crucify me and you sit around and that could take years to get three vouchers

or you get an agent and get in there. Both ways you got to pay. It's both like 2,500 fucking bucks now. And there's no story. You got to either finance it or make the fucking payment to join. I mean, it's a really cold, cold play type deal. But once you get here and you join the SAG, I mean, SAG offers a lot of things as long as you take advantage of them.

But back to the original story, I would not suggest any church fucking members. You're not an extra. Okay. You're the fucking man. You know, fucking extras sitting in the back, people pushing you around. They barely spit at you. Fuck that shit. You show up on the set.

You're the fucking man. It don't show up on the fucking set. It's like anything else in life. Don't show up at the bar. You're gonna sit in the back moping like a momo. If you're gonna sit in the forefront with a cocktail sling dick and put your dick on the table and say, let's do a lemon drop, sniff this nut, then do your fucking thing. But nobody is a fucking extra.

You know why? Because we fucking said so. That's why. So when you like, because I've never even thought about getting into acting. Would it be better to like be like a star of like an independent college movie or being extra on like a Hollywood movie? I rather you get experience. Okay.

I rather you get experienced and go on the set and get a negative outlook on it because it's an extra. Eventually one day you're gonna get a negative feel for being an extra. So you're gonna get a negative feel for acting and might turn you off to acting. Okay. Do you follow what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't want something.

I don't want somebody to do something to deter them from acting. It's like if you come to me and you go, you know what, Joey, I'm 500 fucking pounds and I want to lose weight. You know, and I come to you and go, tomorrow we're gonna do this. And also the next thing that you're running eight miles your first day. I just deterred you because you think you're never gonna do this shit. I'm never gonna do this, Joey. If this is what I need to do, I'm never gonna do this.

But if the first day we walk and come back and stretch, that's it. And the second day we walk a little more and come back and stretch. And the third day we just do, you follow me? There's a way to do it gradually. I'd rather you, the way I did it was, I took an acting class and I watched fucking movies. I could tell when somebody comes on the set and hasn't watched a fucking movie. Watch a fucking movie. Really?

You could fucking tell. Like, haven't you ever watched a fucking movie? Well, number one, keep your fucking mouth shut. Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. You're getting paid. Keep your mouth shut. Again, keep your fucking mouth shut. Nobody gives a fuck.

If you're going as an extra, they dress you a certain way. You got to sit in a holding pen. You don't eat with us. I mean, they really make you feel. It's like going to fucking prison. Prison is a fucking daycap camp. It really is. People complain, what do you do?

You sleep, they wake you up. It's how they wake you up. They kick the bed. They turn the lights on you. Anybody ever just turn the lights on you when you sleep? It sucks, yeah. It sucks, dick. It humiliates you inside because you can't get up and break their fucking head.

The same way happens towards fucking extras. The same way happens when you're anything in life. And you come into a realm like this where people think because they have a little bit of power, they could say something to you. You know, it's the same thing. Whether you're going to prison, whether you're fucking on a set, whether you're jobs. How many people have jobs right now? You're sitting on your desk and you're fucking listening to the church or you're whacking

off or whatever, but you know the boss is a scumbag. And because, you know, this guy would be sucking dick on a corner if he didn't have this fucking job. You ever get those bosses that you know that this guy would be sucking your dick on a fucking corner if you fucking looked them in the eye the wrong way. But now he's sitting there telling you what to do and you're in a spot. You got to pay your bills. You got to pay credit cards.

You got to fucking, you got to take a, you got to have a child at home. You can't really say nothing to this motherfucker. Do you know what that does to your psyche? They kill you. Do you know what that does to your central nervous system? That you can't lash out. And that's the way society is sometimes, but there's a way for you to lash out. That's to be better than that motherfucker.

And then one day get up and go, you know what, suck my dick bitch. And what say something like a blast you with this fucking desk so I can blast you with this fucking desk. Part of the reason I became a comic was because I didn't want a boss. I don't mind having a boss, but you got to treat me with the respect. I'm going to fucking treat you. I'm going to show up on time. I'm going to drink the fucking coffee.

I'm going to empty the trash. I'm going to pick up a piece of paper. That's the other part of being pissed at your boss. If you act like a fucking Momo all the time, then you can't be mad at your boss. Your job starts at seven. You got to be there at 20 to fucking seven doing jumping jacks, at ease, drinking coffee, being a little bit fucking enthused. So all those things come into play also.

Not everybody's a bad person, but on some jobs, like I remember when I sold cars the first time. I'm looking at these guys and they're fucking criminals. But they're walking around with Sutan talking about playing golf. All the salesmen, yeah. Yeah, because they make good money. So now they're playing golf. Listen, you know in my fucking years I wouldn't touch a fucking golf club unless I'm hitting

you on the fucking head with it because do I look like I fucking play golf? What's golf going to do for me? You can't put a silk hat on a fucking pig. Okay? You can't put a silk hat on a fucking pig. Always remember that. I would love to see you play golf. Sometime I would have to outbind the jersey, did a couple of bumps, said a couple of cocktails.

The sun gave me a mind grade. Never again. But do you understand me? Like I've worked with these criminals and I'm looking at these guys and the first couple of weeks you have like this blind alliance film because they're your boss. Then one day you're like, fuck you bitch. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, motherfucker? And they freeze.

They die because nobody's ever said that to them. And the real pussy and them come out because that's the only control factor they have over you. When you look them in the eye and you know what? Fuck you. Fuck this job. Say one more word so I could knock your fucking out and they look at you like, what the fuck just happened?

No, no, no, no, no, no. We were just, there was a misunderstanding. Next thing you know you got them in the fucking office and right in front of the main guy, you're like, fuck this punk. He treats me with no fucking respect. You want to go outside, bitch? And that's where it ends. Now the guy sees it.

The boss, boss knows that you might be busting his balls. Trust me, I'm telling you. You got a guy that's busting your balls, that's making your life miserable. You know what, guys? You were looking for a job when you found that one. Trust me, I'm telling you. Because after a while it's going to break you down as a man. It's going to break you down as a man.

It's going to break you down as a man. Do you know what that does to you? I don't ever, it's like dating a fucking stripper and she's out there sucking dick and she comes home to you. It breaks you down as a man. You could play it off like, yes, you know, whatever. I'm a free open. You're a fucking jerk off.

Some guy's coming in your fucking wife or some guy's coming on your fucking girlfriend's titties and you're sitting there with your friends at some party giggling like it's acceptable. You dumb motherfucker. You dumb motherfucker. Be a fucking man. That's a word of the day today. Be a fucking man.

I'm going to be broke, paying child support, having attorney bills, going back to Colorado and all eyes of the world were on me. All the eyes of the world were on me. I got a job. I told the story at Sprinkler Motor. Sprinkler Motor was a used car lot in Longmont. My friend Jim Wheeler got me a job out there. And there was a guy at the shotgun Doug that I knew from Aspen that gave a girl Coke one

night and he went to the bathroom and he came back. He said the Coke was missing so he got a shotgun and pulled it to her head. So some guy was walking. What? This is a true story. In Aspen, Colorado in 84, some guy was, I had left Colorado already. Yeah. But I kept in touch and one day Jimmy Berkel said to me, hey man, did you hear about Doug

or whatever? I don't know what his name was. They called him shotgun Doug because he put a gun through a girl's head. He got all paranoid on Coke. So one day I see this guy in Longmont, shotgun Doug, a guy I knew in Aspen five years fucking early. Not even. I knew him in 83.

It's 93 in Longmont, Colorado. And he comes in. He's a wholesaler now. I see him all these years later. I'm like, what's up? It's a Christmas party at this fucking place. I don't know what the other name of the car dealer was. And it's a used car a lot.

It's a fucking buy high, buy here, pay here a lot. But you can make a lot of money at those. And I'm sitting in this guy. He's like, hey man, how was it being a fucking convict? I'm like busting my balls in front of everybody on the basketball court. Like he thought he was cute. You know, he goes, where'd you learn how to play basketball at that in prison? Like he was trying to be cute.

And after the game I called him over. Let me talk to you about something like that. And I took him into the alley when I grabbed him by his ears and I banged his head against a fucking trailer because it was a trailer. Like a lot. I fucking banged it like 18 times. And all of a sudden they came out and I'm like, what's going on here? And they fired me.

And they're like, how can you get fired a week before Christmas? You know what, man? Nobody talks to me a certain way. And if you catch them, there's some days you get away with it. I just giggle. But there's certain days and you got that fucking black ghost on your neck. You ever get those days you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I do, but I never acted on it.

No, you got to act on it sometimes. Because now they eat away at your fucking stomach. I know even you get mad at me sometimes, but fuck you, you got to say something. No, it's never in the way like that. But I think a lot of people listening probably have the bosses like you were talking about because I know I did. Oh, we all do. And no one talks to them like you talk to them because you're, I don't know, I don't know

if you're lucky or what. No, and I'm not tough, but I know that nobody could talk to you like that. No, I'm not tough. I'm not Chuck Liddell. And I was never Chuck Liddell growing up. But something inside of me, something inside of me is not going to let you talk to me like that. If I'm fucking up, you could talk to me how I deserve to be fucked up.

You deserve it. You're not supposed to call me stupid or asshole or something. You pull me inside and go, I got a lot of faith in you. You've been slipping lately. I know you're drinking. I know you're doing drugs. You're not doing your job. You got this broad.

Whatever the fuck you're doing, it ends today. You go home, you think about it, and you know the guy's right. You know, is it some people pay you to fucking do a job? And then we fuck up. Those are the people that burn me up, the people that fuck up. And then when you say something, you're the bad guy. That controls, because that used to be me. That was me.

Where I could do something, you're like, Joey, what the fuck? And I'm like, Doug, Lee, how can you say something when I get mad at you? Ten a year later, I'm like, I'm not friends with Lee because he told me the truth. There's a bunch of those motherfuckers running around that you just can't take it no more. One day you go, hey man, I appreciate it. I come here every day and pick you up at nine. Do me a favor. Be downstairs at nine.

It's like when you ask somebody for money that they owe you. After like a year, you're like, do me a favor. Can I get that $200, man? They get pissed at you. There's some people that you can't say nothing to in this world. But you have to break that mold. Because if you don't say something, then it bothers you. It bothers you at each away at you.

So you have to say something sometime like, hey, I gave you this a year ago. I gave you a fucking CD a year ago. You never gave it back to me. You know what I'm saying? I gave you a leds up on the CD. You listen to me. You know, just simple things sometimes. So that's what I'm saying with the boss.

Before you tell your boss to go fuck yourself because he's telling you not to be late. That's not what I'm talking about. We all know the thin line in conversation. We all know the thin line, you know. I had this boss and I worked at the sports betting service that was basically a dick. He wasn't a dick. Let me tell you what he was. He was a real Jew.

Okay. And he was a great guy and he never talked down to you. But once it was post time, it changed. When you were outside that door, that line, it was great. This guy, listen to me tell you what this guy did for you. On Monday nights, you worked from 10 to 6 and right at 6 o'clock, there was a limo waiting for you outside. He'd take you to the best restaurant in town, buy you fucking whatever you wanted on the menu. Once a month, you went to Vegas on Tuesdays and came back on Wednesday.

All stayed at the mirage, went to the owner of the mirage's fucking office and had dinner with him, whatever the fucking guy's name. On Fridays, before fucking work, you went to the movies. On Sundays, he was such a Jew. He would get bagels flown out from Long Island, whitefish, all that Jew stuff. You know, the fucking herring, pickles herring, all that goody good shit. He would get a flown out. How many Jews do you know? And he would say, you're working Christmas day because Jesus was a Jew.

I don't give a fuck. And you understood what he was talking about. He didn't talk down to you. He didn't say none to you. He put in a way in his life what needs to be done. Everything else, it's great. You went down that line, you jumped up and down. But today, from 6 to fucking 20 afternoon, this is what needs to be done.

There's no giggling. There's no time where you giggle when you got a million dollars made today, right? That's when we giggle. And at first you go, but then it's life. Today, he's very successful. He's not even in the business no more. He's a real estate guy, but it all came from that. He fucking, he was a Jew.

He was the last of the real Jews I bumped into. There was no drawing. I loved him. Till this day, I still act like him. I still act on the actions that he used to talk about. It was when I got divorced, I was a little soft still. Like I was halfway there, but I was a little soft. Life is against me, blah, blah, blah.

And he kind of fucking was like the last screw. Juan was the first, and that toughened me up, and he was the final one. I remember like one day going, yeah, Christmas Day, and I was like, no. Christmas Day is the biggest bowl game of the year. There's two football games. You want to sit at home with your kids? Go. Get a job at a supermarket, and you can sit at home with your kids.

But in this office, we work from 6 to fucking 12. And you go home at 12. You're going to go home with $3,000, $4,000 in your pocket. What a better Christmas is that. That's how Jews run. And you sit there and go, he broke it down for you in the right fucking way. And was he there? Every day.

Not this shit. He was calling you from Swahili. No, no, no. I always hated that. Oh, we're going to work the day before Thanksgiving, but he left on Monday already to go somewhere with his family. No, no, no, no. He was in the office with you.

When you walked in, there was a full of snow. He was in there waiting for you with sandwiches, and he made you feel good. There's a lot of people you go the extra mile for when you get there. No, no, no. When you got there, there was coffee, hot chocolate, bagels, sandwiches, eggs. He would order food for you. You were taken care of. But on the other side, this is what he wanted.

He expected you to work. There was no drama in his world. Him and his brother were fucking great. And part of the reason that I hit life so hard sometimes at the end was because of that. I knew something was missing from my life, and they instilled that last bit of pushing me like what stand up, like they were fucking most. I remember going to the office and them saying to me, listen, you're not working summers. You're going to do stand up.

And in the winters, you come back and make 60 grand. Then the summers you make, you do stand up. And that's how you do it. I mean, everything the guy said to you was correct. You want to be an artist and hang out with faggots? I mean, that's how you talk to. No, come in here, make 60 grand and you could drink coffee and tell a lie. You could drink coffee and tell lies at the coffee shop with the rest of those fucking

stiffs. And you're sitting there going, he's fucking right. Yeah. So that's the mentality you got to go out with today. You know what I'm saying? And I'm sorry I'm supplying stuff to somebody, but he's serious. He was a real Jew. He didn't drive a beamer.

He didn't drive no fucking out. He drove a car with more dents than your fucking head, more dents than my face. You understand me? Nobody knew his business. He didn't want people to know his business. He had bummy clothes. His father had a hot dog stand in Boulder. Yeah.

The mother was a big fat Jewish woman who was a sweeter than fuck. You know, but she didn't fuck around either. You know, when they started the business the first year, they made $700,000 in the basement. Him, his best friend and his mother. That's how they started that business. They were working 18 hour days, seven days a week. When you want something in life, Lee, that's it. Yeah.

That's it. That's it. Everybody always wants. Everybody wants to fucking go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everybody wants to go to fucking heaven. Everybody wants to party. Everybody wants to sit in VIP. But when it comes to working 90 fucking hours, they look at you like, huh?

Huh? No, I want to sit around and play fucking space box. Whatever the fucking shit. PC4 or game of fucking debt. You want to play the game of debt, get a fucking knife and get a car and get out there, motherfucker. That's a game of debt. You understand me? But that's the problem with society.

Nobody looks at things like that. Everybody wants to go to vacation, Sancho pay. God forbid you can't keep up with the fucking Joneses in this fucking society. It's hard because especially unless you're working for yourself, you kind of get downtrodden because you could put in a thousand hours, but you're making somebody else rich. But then again, what about if you're all working and he's paying and you're putting away money and you're doing the right thing? If you're not blowing your money, you're putting away your money to open up your own business.

No, you could put away money, but let's say you kick ass, you can do over. Some place, oh, we don't pay overtime here. Or, oh, we need this. Oh, they always try to fuck you. But there's always a way for you to fuck them at the same time. You just have to figure it out. And you can't get depressed. No, you can't.

Listen, when somebody comes to you and goes, I'm going to pay you, huh? You got to look at it as you're doing your art for practice and you're only going to do it for a set time and you're going to move on. Somebody hit me that they're working at Walmart or something. And I said to them, you know what? This is just a short fucking, this is just a short stay at this place. This is just, you're just going out of your fuel, make a couple fucking G's, stick to your fucking guns and move on.

You're not going to, you're not going to, you know, that's why people end up, that's why people, I'm going to go home for a year and save money. And then all of a sudden, eight years later, you still see him at the bar. Man, I'm putting away money. No, you're not because you're at this fucking bar drinking. People put away money at home with a six pack. Instead of spending 22 at a bar, they're at home spending eight and they fucking get fucked up. You understand me?

So there's ways to do things in this way. I love people who tell you, I'm putting away money to move. Really? Just fucking get it together. Get the fuck up. I like situations. I spoke to somebody that day and it was hysterical. They're broke.

I told them, shake your titties. And I could tell us, you got to find it. But I don't give a fuck. You got kids. You got to shake your fucking titties. Ain't nobody going to give you nothing. Ain't nobody going to give you nothing in this fucking life. Who gots?

Who gots? You got who gots coming to you. You go to a guy with, if you're a fucking woman who's a six, a seven, and you go to a guy to borrow money. That's the first thing he's going to say to you. How are we going to pay this back? Well, let's do this. Let's shake those titties.

Let me come on them. And we call it even. You got a decision to make. I'm not telling you you got to be a fucking whore, but it's better than walking around with bunny rabbits in your fucking pockets. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. No, absolutely.

How's that goomy bed working out? It's hitting me. I hear you. You look good. You see what I'm saying? After this, you get dressed. You take a shower. You put some mousse in your head.

By that time I go to the gym and you pick me up later. There's no reaction. There's no R&R today in your life. That's it. It's over. The Jew is back. You sat on that fucking couch all weekend, marinating. I went in there.

It smells like a wild animal. You've been scratched. You haven't even taken a shower in three days. You're sitting there scratching your nuts, thinking about mama. You got to get it together, son. You're 25. Well, don't give me edibles if you want me to do so. What?

I wasn't here all weekend. Oh, this weekend? Yeah, I fucking didn't do shit. Me for fucking Friday. I called and was like, what are you watching football? What are you? What are you? Jimmy the Greek?

Get up. Go see some fucking son, cock sucker. If it wasn't for the Agostino, I would have had to peel you off that fucking couch. Absolutely. No, I fucking love doing nothing. Well, you better stop, because it's over. Once you come back from Boston, there's no more nothing. You're going to be working 10, 12 hours a day.

I am. No, but it's kind of what we were talking about. I don't mind doing the work with you. You called me and we sent something extra to the CD guy. I've just been, I love doing that stuff. And it's, it makes, I've noticed in myself a big difference when you don't have that, because when I was going to the jobs, I hated it. I had a fucking negativity all like, it's just around me.

Like I felt bad, but I'm a little bit worried about money now. And I'm waiting for unemployment to come in, but it's, I feel so much better. And if you were like, oh, we need to do this and record or edit. And I fucking, I would work 24 hours a day that, but it's, it makes a huge difference when you're positive, when you don't have that negativity around you. Sometimes there's some jobs that just don't agree with you. And, you know, it's a bad time of the year to be talking about not having a job because it's a holidays in January.

But there's a lot of jobs that don't agree with people. You know, I did something for a while that just didn't agree with me. I mean, it ate fucking, it ate me up. I think when I worked for family, it really fucked me up. When I was married to my first wife and I worked for a family, it used to fuck with me because I was the best woman on the crew. I had to be. Because when you, your family, a lot of people slouch, I never wanted to be that slouch or that loser.

I always wanted to work double hearted. If you have an editing office lead, you come to me and go, Joe, I want you to come work here. I would go in and try to be the best editor because I would never want somebody to say, well, he's Lee's friend. He slacks off. No, no, no, I turned that shit around. If I'm Lee's friend, I'm going to go in there and show you why he's my friend and why he gave me this job.

I'm going to embarrass all you motherfuckers and show you what I do. That's how you support. That's your attitude, Lee. What's your fucking attitude? If that's not your attitude, a lot of these jobs, you're going to keep failing, you're going to keep going from job to job. You know how I know? Because I was one of those people.

I used to fail at that shit because I was customer service oriented. I worked hard, but there was a chip on my fucking shoulder. You know, I just didn't want to do. I still remember being fucking 21 and working at something electric on the 40th and Bergen Line Avenue, Swift Electric. I was an electrician in Aspen and when I came back to Jersey, the jobs were in Hoboken. They wanted to pay eight bucks for apprentices. I was getting like $16 an hour in Colorado, you know?

Also, I got to fucking dig in fucking crawl spaces and run residential wiring. I didn't want to do that shit. I wanted to do commercial shit and wire commercial buildings and work with pipes and Ben Saddles and all that stuff. So I got back to fucking Jersey and the only job that was available was at an electronic place where electric supplies, where you went and bought the wires and the switches and all that shit. So I went to work there.

It was an entry level position. My friend, Kurt Lorenzo's mother, got me the job as an electrician warehouse unit. I think I still, I'm a part of it. I still got to check if I could sign up. And I went to work there in the fucking warehouse guy. It was a scumbag. He had gotten a job there, like as a kid in high school and now he was there 20 years, you know, and he had like a nice car and they were like, he's a success.

He bought a house down here. He's got this fucking 83 Z80 type for them for people from Jersey at that time. That was success, you know? He comes to work, you know, he works six, seven days a week here, but the guy didn't like it when you came in. I'm the type of guy. I don't like you telling me what to do. I know what to do.

You don't ever have to. Like if you tell Joe, you're working for me eight o'clock and I get here at eight and you don't show up to 830. When you get here at 830, I'm not going to be sitting down. I'll be picking up papers, sweeping. I don't like people telling me what to do. I know what the fuck I have to do. That's the other thing.

A lot of people in life wait for them to tell you what to do. I can look at a room and know what needs to be done. Empty the fucking trash, vacuum, take those boxes out of here. There's shit that needs to be done. A lot of people don't know what the fuck to do. You know, if you go to work for somebody, you got to work one step ahead of them. So they don't have to tell you what to do ever. And that's the same thing in life.

I got to tell you what the fuck to do. Why are we doing this? You have to think about this shit without even... And that's not any job. That's not any job. No boss likes to tell you what to do every morning. Think about it. Would you want to tell me what to do every morning?

Today we're going to do this from eight to ten. We're going to do this from ten to eight. No, I'm going to... What time do you get in, Lee? Eight, ten? I'm going to get at 7.45. I'm going to get a jump start on the fucking day. So when you get in, you're like, this fucking guy's got initiative.

These are all parts of moving forward in your fucking life. These are all parts. You can't sit there and wait for somebody to tell you something. You got to fucking go, oh look, that needs to be done. Bam! When the guy comes in, who told you to do that? I just knew it needed to be done. This motherfucker's thinking.

That's what you hope, but I bet that guy at the electronics warehouse was the type of guy who loved to tell people what to do. Like you just seem... There are some people who have had those jobs forever who would get mad at you for, no, no, no, that's not the way we do it here. We like, this is the way we do it, and they change it a little bit. People who love being the boss, they would get mad. I bet that's why you clash with people, because they don't like people who are trying to do

a different or leaving them out of it. Those are the bosses that always killed me that are such micromanagers. We got it done, what are you talking about? That always killed me. I had a bunch of bosses like that. It's that time, cock sucker. I'm so... The fuck it?

You gotta get more fucked up. It's Monday, December 9th. 16 more fucking days till D-Day. Well, you're Jewish, but don't give a fuck. You're still gonna get presents and give presents to your girlfriend's Catholic. By the way, what are you gonna do when you marry this boy? You're gonna have to convert. Those Mexicans don't marry Jews, you know what I'm saying?

You're gonna have to wear a little fucking yarmulke or the cross on it and dance. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Well, she's cool. Her mom, I haven't seen him yet, but her mom, I told you, has all that stuff in her house, all the Virgin Mary's. Yeah. And she has, like, prayer circles. Like, they don't go to church.

The mom and her friends just get together at the house instead of alters and do these little prayer sessions. And I'm like, what? Like, it just... I've never seen anything like that, but, uh... No, that's actually a big thing for me, because I... Jews don't pray. Jews just go to the bank.

No. That's it. Jews go to the bank. They don't need to fucking pray. What pray? I brought three rows of panty in this motherfucker. I deposited $1.20 today. You know what I'm saying?

We'll fucking pray. Is that big with you and Terry? Because my parents, one of the biggest things they thought about was religious stuff. And I know you and Terry, you're both Christian, but it's a little bit different. I'm Catholic. Yeah. And I'm a little Buddhist, and I got the Santeria fucking base. My wife is Christian from whatever.

It's very interesting you ask that, because I went to her church two weekends in a row. The first weekend, it was okay. The second weekend, niente perte. What happened? Because you were so happy with the kids. No, the kids were great. That was part of it. I don't mind going, saying hello, and getting the fuck out and going downstairs with the

kids. That's my life. I didn't like the upstairs. I just didn't like the session. I didn't like the attitude, the giddiness, the... I didn't like the... Some guy came up and sang a song and put a fucking acoustic guitar. Oh, the guitar is killing me.

I didn't mean to do light, to talk about light. Like, this is a song about light. I didn't hear light one fucking time. You know, just it's people in love with them. What you have to remember is we live in an area where people in love with themselves, and they'll tell you how they didn't want to move here for acting. But that's why they moved here. Then they moved here, and they realized it was hard, and they swam their fucking logic

around. They became something else, and now they're down on acting. But at the end of the day, they still have that glimmer, that hope. And at that church, they shoot a lot of movies. Okay. A lot of people hang out there. So that was the other thing. As soon as I went there, I could see who's in the...

That's not what that stuff is about, man. At least it isn't to me. When I show up somewhere, I don't want to see other people from the industry, and people go... It's like that wedding I went to. Mm-hmm. You know, I thought about it. Since the wedding, I've never heard from that guy again.

Because his whole point, inviting me to a wedding, was to let people know that he knew some comedian, or he had the chick from No Doubt there. Really? We'll consider this. What's up, you sexy motherfucker? Hey, what do you say? You know me. It's a Monday morning.

It's fucking freezing out. Oh, can you fucking believe it? Oh, my God. It was cold in that car this morning. I had the heat on. I had the fucking electric seat warmers. Everything. I had to go and unpack the fucking ice scraper from Chicago.

Jesus Christ. What's going on, McBentencourt? How are you, my brother? I'm good, man. I just got back from Chicago. I was there for Thanksgiving. Okay. And, man, I missed that town, man.

I don't know if it's before recall, you know, because when it was cold as shit, all I wanted to do was leave, but now all I want to do is go back. That's fucking amazing. I just miss it, man. The people, the food was ridiculous. Oh, the food's always ridiculous in those big cities, brother. Especially there. Once you bite into that fucking Italian beef with the sausage combo, your fitness, all

that shit about juicing, all that shit about jumping jacks, and your health goes out the fucking window. I swear to God, man. Combo sandwich with provolone, chardonnay, and red sauce. Throw some green peppers on it for good measure. You have no fucking idea, man. Hit it with hot sauce and I'm out. You have no fucking idea.

That Italian beef with the fucking sausage combo, good googly moogly. You tell your heart to suck your dick. Yes, it's a fucking Chicago thing. The Italian beef sandwich is a fucking tremendous. And you know what? They have places here in Hollywood that has them. I don't want to name no names. They all suck.

They all suck. Especially Montana's place. That's the worst fucking place ever. They got 15 Mexicans and not one of them is from fucking Chicago. The only thing that's good about that place is they kind of almost perfectly stole it as we all know in Chicago. In Chicago, stealing is a noble profession. So you let it slide.

They almost stole the recipe for Lou Malmonte's pizza. They kind of are about 40% the way there, but 40% on something that's fucking like if Michelangelo and God came together and made a fucking pizza. So if you're 40% close to that, it's better than anything else you're going to get. Really? The pizza's good in there. You got to get the deep dish. It's got a lot of oregano on it, but it's, it's, you've had Lou Malmonte's in Chicago.

You guys play the fucking Chicago theater when you're there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Delicious. Yeah, it's pretty. I mean, you can taste remnants of it and I've never tasted anybody get anywhere near that recipe. Wow. Like the crushed tomatoes on there.

And then the cheese kind of spongy with a little pain kick to it. It's, it's, they're not fucking around. That's the only thing there though. The hot dogs are shit. The buns are stale with poppy seeds. The beef tastes like a fucking ass. It's horrible. Oh, it does.

But the pizza, it works. What's going on in your world? How's the podcast going? It's great, man. I got Kristen kind of on today owner of the punchline in Atlanta and I can get these great guests, man. And they're not, uh, for whatever reason, you know, sometimes people climb up when they come on your show.

And so far everybody's been real open and up for a real fucking conversation because I like to talk about fear. I like to talk about obstacles. I like to talk about actions because you weak up like fucking knuckleheads. I didn't know. I didn't have a ton of, uh, really, really good, uh, motivators in my life or inspirations or role models. Nobody I really fucking trusted.

So I got to say, man, you know, having these people come on and maybe pave the way for cats listening coming up on whatever field they're doing. I'm down, man. I feel very honored to people come on and get honest like that. You know, it's amazing how how many fucking times that your dad or your mom say something to you, like, don't do this in the future and you shun them off as simple as stop with the fucking sodas. You know, when you get older, you're going to be fat or you're going to your metabolism

stops and you sit there and go, fuck this bitch. I'm never going to be fat. But if you went to the corner at Puerto Rican dude that sold nickel bags, if he told you that there was white people on Mars playing a fucking parade, you go home and you'd believe them. Oh yeah. And this is why I feel I didn't know this till a couple months ago that people do take this and run with it.

And you do take the advice people give you. I hope they do. I hope they learn something. I really hope that they go, wow. This is because you know me and you don't fucking candy coat dick. Yeah, dick. I don't candy coat dick because the world ain't candy coated. The world comes at you fucking raw like a dick with no condom on it.

And you deflect that motherfucker. You put a condom on it and learn how to live with it or suck it raw or give it raw. So that's how I give it to people. I give it to you. You know, we were talking about bosses this morning. Like you're a knucklehead like me. Remember when you were 19 and you got to work at 10 after eight and the boss said something, you wanted to stab the motherfucker?

Yeah. How many times did you do something wrong? But then it got to the point where you would do something right and you had a boss that fucked with you. And one day you had to stop what you were doing in the office and go, let me tell you something. I like working here. But the next time you talk to me like that, I'm going to knock you the fuck out. And they stop, they look at you and they send you to the office and then in the office

you tell the big boss again, like if this guy fucks with me, I'm going to knock him out. And the guy's like, no, don't be no knocking out here. Yes. I'm going to knock him out and put it. And after that, your job is fucking smoother than smooth. Oh, yeah. We had a guy named Stinky Bill and I had, I was a truck driver and I'm driving around

with this fucking guy. And I could tell you know, you could, if I spill something on my shirt, right? And then I come in the next day and I got a big stain on my fucking shirt. I rest in my case, your honor, I didn't change my fucking shirt the night before. You know what I mean? Right. And we're lugging shit around and I'm seeing all the marks on this kid's pants. We're delivery guys from Depot and we call them Stinky Bill.

He smelled like fucking a wet yak ass. I mean, horrible. And you're in a truck. It's the middle of weather. You can't roll the windows down and I literally feel like, like I lived a hundred fucking lives as a murderer and that's what I'm getting punished daily. I have to sit next to this smelly fuck. And so I tell my boss, I go, listen, you gotta fucking talk to this kid.

We keep telling him he doesn't listen. So they write him up, Joe, for hygiene. He gets written up. So he goes, can you believe these guys? They brought me up for hygiene. I go, listen, man, you can't fuck around. We all got to work with you. You got to watch your hygiene.

We're trying to be, you know, I mean, I'm kidding. I think that was the first one. Chicked out. I got to pay me over $10 an hour. I thought I hit the lottery. So I didn't want to fuck it up. And it had benefits. So he goes, all right, I guess I'm going to have to change a couple of things.

He comes to work the next day. Same fucking shirt off. Same stink. I go, Bill, what the fuck is wrong with you? I go, that's it, man. I can't fucking take it anymore. Get out of the fucking truck. Round the corner.

We're like three miles from the store. I mean, you walk him back, man, in the fucking cold. You got written up. Everyone's being cool. I can't fucking take it anymore. He goes, I brushed my teeth this morning. I go, what the fuck are you talking about? He goes, hygiene means brush your teeth.

I go, you dumb motherfucker. Now we got to write you up for being stupid. So I went to the boss and I said, you got to give me the fire, the stinky motherfucker. I'm out. That's fucking crazy. Nah, there's some fucking, I'm telling you there's some people who are just lost out there and you're trying to make a living. You're trying to do the right thing and just, you know, man.

He doesn't know how to fucking shut up. That's ridiculous. When I worked at that Swift Electric, we were just talking about Swift Electric. There was a guy there that was 40 and his girlfriend was 15. No. And he had been dating her since she was like 10. You didn't fucking roll him? My God, it was horrible.

And he used to bring her with him to work. Like she wasn't allowed to go to high school. She was like his, he signed her out and took over her life. So they lived in the truck together pretty much that they would deliver electrical supplies and that's a step. There was nothing you could say on your show right now. So you know what I would have done? I would have fucking knocked him out.

I would just clip his feet with a fucking knife. I never forget this guy. He lit him up. So every time he stepped, it's fucking hurt for the rest of his life. And now I think about it. The guy was a definite child molester. But for some reason he talked the girl's parents into signing her over to him. Oh my God.

So he was with her all the time. He signed her out of school. By this point they were married. They had no kids. But he was like 40 and she maybe was 16, 17. And I remember like, did anybody hear? What? No, this is 1984.

I used to work at a warehouse in Union City called Swift Electric. And I almost smacked the fucking warehouse supervisor one day. I had to leave there after like, I got a job in the city bartending, so I left the job. But I liked it. I liked the place there. The boss was cool. The owner was cool. Just this warehouse manager.

But I just remembered that there was a truck driver that had the same thing. But this guy looked like now that I remember his look, you could tell he'd hang out at a fucking park with a bag of bonbons and shit at the gate. You could just fucking tell. So it was very interesting, the Unite brother. This is the fourth time in six weeks in the light. This is my sixth week on the road in a row. And this is the fourth time in five weeks that somebody came to one of my shows with

a mixed shirt on. So I wanted to make sure I took the pictures for you and I took the picture right away and sent it to you. And it makes me happy that people listen to the podcast and they're getting positive stuff out at the final payoff is coming to the show and talking to us and being really fucking cool. But when people start wearing shirts from other podcasts and representing, that's even better. You know what I'm saying?

Especially when it's family. Where were you when I sent you the picture? Because it was late. No, no, no. It was 10 o'clock when I sent it to you. No, I was at the house, man. And I showed my wife who helps me shift shirts out, you know, you know the deal if you leave a written five-star review for the podcast.

I don't take out any advertising and, you know, I commit all my time to the show and any, you know, TV shows or whatever that I'm writing. But it's the podcast, then live performances and then stuff I'm writing. So in order to reward the fans like you do, listen, everyone wants to fucking take and I think it's a horrible way to approach anything artistic. You got to give, man. That's the point. That's what you are as an artist to give.

And so when I created the show, I wanted to reward people for listening because there's a ton of stuff out there and people have a lot of choices. And so if you leave a five-star written review for my show on iTunes, I'll mail you free of charge. But here is a sign of my gratitude and it's not a fucking bribe. It's me saying, hey, thanks, I'm doing this for you. And here's my sign of appreciation and, you know, like you just said, people like shirts, they like to show and they go out.

And also, you also know this, for people that come on the show, I keep the audience caught up with like what everyone's up to. I'm trying to create this kind of fun, eclectic community. And eventually after a year, I'm going to start probably touring the show and having like going into smaller towns that normally don't get shows like we can roll in. We want to play the bigger markets. I want to do the exact opposite and I want to, you know, I don't do any corporate sponsorship. I only give unsolicited, unpaid for ads for family owned businesses and I want to roll

into these small towns, man, with big fucking names and blow the roofs off that town and bring some money in and have to just have a fucking blast because that's just that's what I like, man. Those are the people that I like. And those are the type of shows that I want to do. You're a fucking savage. You're a fucking savage. And this guy's like you already doing your own podcasts, allowing yourself to be yourself

and have people hear that week after week. I'll tell you, I told you how my own show, man. You fucking inspired me and, you know, the fact that someone wore one of my shirts to your show and you came on my show out of it, like you said, it's full circle. It's fucking great. It's a fucking beautiful life. Are you still working on I Inside? No, that show got canceled, but, uh, no, I got an office right down the street and you

got to come by right by Colfax and Ventura. Okay. Now let me ask you how many episodes of the air? They aired for, but you know how it is now. It's going to be so Hulu and that's Lixie shit. They sold it overseas. So I think we shot, we shot a total of nine, including the pilot. So I'll tell you, man, I know a lot of people shit on that show.

That show was one of the few shows that, you know, usually the pilot's great. And then you're catching up with the pilot because it takes, you know, the writer wrote the pilot over two years and it's fucking great. And then you've got to catch up to that. This show got better and better each episode incrementally. It was fucking really great to watch. So I think if people just online, give it a chance and get into it, I wrote some shit on there that I didn't think I'd be able to get away with on cable and then let me write

it. And it was on NBC. So, um, pretty interesting, man. I didn't know about that, but I'm sorry about that, but you know the fucking business, Nick. When we get up and we get down, it's what you do when you're fucking down the fucking matters. Anybody could be up. It's when you're down.

What the fuck? What's that little brother? Yes, it is, man. I'm very fortunate. They're playing the shit on the trailer. I can't tell you the feeling when I saw the fucking trailer. I can't tell you how overwhelmed I was, man. I'm lucky as fuck, you know, but I'm not lucky.

I hustle and I keep in touch with people and I send emails and I looked at my old emails and I send them and every once in a while, you send the right email or you do the right commercial and you stay irrelevant in this business, you know, because every time you do something every three or four months, you stay a little bit irrelevant, you know, and I lucked out. Some people go to acting class. Yeah. Some people go to acting class for eight years and do all these things and do theater and

I came here and I got into an acting class and I did movies and I finally got to work opposite somebody that you know the fucking deal, bro. You know the deal. Oh, yeah. You've got to be prepared when they fucking say hops, you're in the game, you've got to fucking be ready to hit the homework. And you got Sylvester Stallone there who, let's face it, that's Rocky Balboa. All right.

Yeah. Sylvester Stallone is old and he looks wrinkled and listen, I'm not jumping up and down with Sylvester Stallone, but at the end of the fucking day, guess what, bitch, that's Rocky Balboa. That's a guy that had our dream that he had the same dream. He wouldn't sell that fucking script. He wouldn't sell it. Lee, he had to fucking sell his dog.

He wouldn't sell the fucking script until he act. That movie got cast the Friday before the Monday. Do you know that? Do you know that the original cast they had fell off and that that movie got cast the fucking Monday, the Friday before the Monday. They got Mick, they got the girlfriend and they got Paulie. So think about how, how you get years to think of a fucking movie and to cast this movie. And this guy is Sylvester Stallone.

You got the old guy. What's his name? The Rockies train, the Sylvester Stallone's trainer. Oh, shit. What's his name? You see, I just watched him in the original Twilight Zone. Right. Free, free being the bean, right?

Alan Arkin. Here you got Alan Arkin, who is free being the bean who made one of the funniest movies ever with James Cohn. One of the greatest buddy films of all time that a lot of people never know about because they never, you know, James Cohn made some great shit early. Great shit before the Godfather, the killer elite, the, the one with the Chicago Bears when he, the guy, Brian Song, oh my God, he did some fucking phenomenal work. You got Kim Bassenger, who the first time I saw was in a movie called No Mercy when

she slaps Richard Geer in the face and he slaps her back and she's like, what bitch? What bitch? And then you got Robert De Niro, who fucking smacks that Chinese guy in a fucking via hunter and shoots every bit at the table, you know. So and now here I am sitting with no fucking agent in a fucking apartment in North Hollywood. So I got no fucking agency. I got no help. I got the fucking guy that books me and I got a commercial agent who I, I've seen seven

commercial auditions this year. My theatrical agent there, whatever. I can't get a fucking theatrical agent. So here you have it. So this is the way life is. Yeah. The deal is when you get called in, you swing for the fucking fences and not a lot of people do that.

They clam up. They, it's all theory and they can't apply it. You know, you have to keep yourself hyped so that when you get the call and you got to go in the room for whatever the gig, it's the same thing like I'm going to play a fucking, I need to be in theaters, you know, you could say that and some people, look, it all you want to do, what we do, you have to have some part of you has to have an unhealthy ego that can withstand the brutal fucking lows that allows you to convince yourself to stay in the fucking trenches and keep fighting the fight.

The flip side of that is when you actually get the opportunity, you, that's the, I try to tell people, and you know this man, like you have to stay so hyped and so focused just to get an opportunity and then to actually execute the opportunity. Once it arrives is a whole separate skill set is a whole separate attitude is a whole separate fortitude. The auditioning is so different than being on set and doing the 30 takes that you got to do. Cause now a lot of people know you got to get coverage.

So it's not just doing that one scene one time well, you're going to do that thing 50 fucking times all day long. You're going to shoot one or two scenes a day in movies, you know what I mean? But if you don't know that and you're not prepared for that, you're going to shit your fucking pants. You're going to be around DeNiro and Stallone and go to fuck and you're going to break. You know, it's so funny. You know what I mean?

It's a whole separate fucking thing. You said something very interesting that everybody's scared of and that's the word no. It's just natural. Yeah. It's just fucking naturally. Hey, let me suck your pussy. No. Hey, let me sleep at your house.

Let me borrow $10. No. No. Let me work here. No. Let me teach me how to play the drums. No. There's always something, you know?

I think that after you. I think that after you. I don't know if you heard the city came like someone said it's $100 for every year. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. But I think that guys or women or whatever, when you dabble in pain in some part of your life or you've even dabbled in addiction, listen, one night I was so coked up, I broke

into my friend's house and slept in his basement on a mattress. At one point, you know, when you wake up and you don't know where you are, I looked over my shoulder and I was six inches from a piece of mortified dog shit. And I remember looking at that dog shit. That is the bottom of my life right there. You telling me that I can't be in a movie doesn't mean dick to me. You telling me you're not going to put me on a Comedy Central special doesn't mean dick to me.

Put me in a mattress next to a piece of dog shit again. That'll fuck my world up because I never thought that I could ever go that low. So it's how you look at the fucking no. Whenever I hear a no, I'm like, I'm one no less. I'm one no less from my fucking goal. And it might be a YouTube video or it might be a movie with Robert DeNiro. I don't know unless I keep plugging. That's right.

I'm never going to know. When I walk into an audition, Mick, when I walk into an audition as when you walk into a job interview, as when you walk into any position where you're going to be put against a wall, you don't think of anything good right away, Mick. Not none of us do. You think about all the bad things in your life. You think about I'm short. I'm fucking fat.

My ass smells like a fucking goat. I can't stop eating. I'm addicted to peanut butter. I pick my toenails with my teeth. And then you stop and you go, I'm from fucking the suburbs of Chicago. I almost got shot. What the fuck are these motherfuckers in this office going to do to me or whatever you've been through in your life?

You're from Boston. You went to a Celtic game with a fucking Miami heat shirt on. Whatever the fuck you think is dangerous, you know what I'm saying? Whatever the fuck you think is dangerous in your life. You know, when I walk into those auditions, am I going to sit here and tell you I'm not scared as I'm parking my fucking car? As I'm walking up those stairs, do you want me to tell you all the things I hear people telling me I'm a loser?

Your piece of shit. I robbed this. I stole this drug deal. I hear everything bad I did in my life. And as I open that door and I look at those motherfuckers and I sign my name on the list, I think about my cock. I swear to God. And I think about my mother dying.

I think about my mother coming from Cuba. And I think about finding my mother on that floor with that black and blue fucking arm of hers, you know, dead. And I think of the things I have to fucking do. And that's it after that. You're done. After that, Mick, you're fucking done. You're done.

You're done. This guy told me one time he goes, you're in charge of how you let people treat you. Because the hell we start, you know, it's like a game of fucking palm. I'm defending. I'm deflecting. Fuck that. I'm in charge. I'm not in charge of you.

I'm in charge of how I let you treat me. Done. End of story. If I want to be fucking kicked around, I let you do that. If I don't, I don't. It's up to me. But I got to fucking get to a place where I understand that and I can take actions that allow me to just live peacefully and calm.

I think the second I got out of the guinea line and I got in a thank you line, that's when my life changed. You're beautiful. You know, like, like, where's mine now? No. No. No. Hey, I'm glad to be alive.

I'm glad for any opportunities you give me. I'll tell you what. When you call me into the game, I give 110%. That's what I do. I don't fuck people over. I don't lie. That's it. That's how I, you know, was that the way that I was my entire life?

No, that's the way that I'm doing it now. I can't rewrite the fucking beginning, but I'm rewriting a new ending. That's why I love you. Hey, let me add. What are you doing for the holidays? My mother-in-law, if anybody out there is a praying man or woman, her name's Aline. She's going through some health issues. So if you could pray for her, that would be very much appreciated.

We're going to go back to Chicago and spend some time with her. You're a good fucking man. What days is the podcast come out, brother? On Mondays, we share Mondays with you and it drops at midnight on Sundays. Every Monday I have a, I try to get a great mix of people from the drama world, the comedy world, and I've had a hit man on that. You know, I've got a nice wife, a fucking guest. So yeah, check it out.

It's called the Mick Bettencourt Show. You can email me directly at the Mick Bettencourt Show Gmail or you can follow me on Twitter at Mick Bettencourt. Mick, I love you. Happy holidays and I'm happy you called in today and I hope you get a new fucking job, Con Zucker. Everybody's beautiful. I hope yours is the same.

We'll talk before Christmas. All right. I'll see you. I love you, man. Love you too, brother. That's a good fucking dude right there. By the way, today's podcast has me going to leave here and I think I'm going to stab somebody today.

Today's a good fucking pie. I like getting motivated on a Monday. I know it's not the funniest podcast or whatever, but we're going to fire you up with a new fucking idea. Let me give some shout outs, bitches. My main man, Mike Cali, Ryan Kennedy, Michelle Herrera, Ethan, Angela Rojas, Nick Maria's call. I don't fucking know.

Pit-looking guy, pit-looking boy, Andrew Mayhem. I love you, Con Zucker and Mike World Peace or Mike World, something shit. I don't know. That's all I got. I can't fucking see. I love how fucking you just realized now a guy getting a 15-year-old is a child monster. It wasn't a clue back then. I just remember.

You know, I didn't know the laws then. It was 1984. I was 21 years old. I was a young kid. I was scared. I used to go, you know, at that time, I was really trying to get my life together. I was only snorting on the weekends. On Sunday and Monday nights, I'd go into the city then and get eight Valium's for $10.

And I would take a Valium every night, so I'd be in bed by 10. People were like blown away. But you can't put a silk hat on a pig. Within three months, I snapped and started doing blow and I went fucking nuts. But I remember at that time, I just remember him. He used to wear like a, it was February of 84 until about May of 84 when I worked there. And he used to wear the parkas with the hood, with the fur around it, you know. And the girl was half retarded, so she just sat in the middle of the truck.

But if she was next, if he was out of the truck and she was out of the truck, she'd be standing next to him holding his hand. He wouldn't let her do anything without holding her hand. And he would tell the loaders, put that in first, because I got to load this in Union City, put that in second. Come on. Then he'd tell her, get in the fucking car, get my sandwich ready. And he'd go in, she'd get like some type of fucking sandwich.

Now thinking about it, I forget what the fucking guy's name was. Now thinking about it, it was amazing how they let the guy work there. I mean, he was a good driver, you know, he never drank, there was no problems. Now that's why they let him work there. But he used to bring the girl with him. Like I said, she had to be 16, not a good looking girl. She could see. I guarantee she had problems.

The parents couldn't afford her medical bills or whatever. Maybe he had insurance and he married her. You know, I don't know what the deal was, but it wasn't. And in those days and those neighborhoods, nobody really gave a fuck. I think, you know, I mean, they gave a fuck if you were child molester. I mean, if you took the kid in, I mean, he wasn't the guy in Chicago or Cleveland that had him living in their fucking basement, deprived of vitamin D. At least he had her out in the sunlight.

You know what I'm saying? He's going to, whatever. So I'm talking about vitamin D on it, motherfuckers. 2014 is coming on it has a sale, no matter what the fuck you do. Plus, once you use our code, you get an additional 10% off. I don't know if it's free shipping. You got to check all that shit. Listen, they got the kettle bells.

They got the fucking other kettle bells. They got the ropes. If you want to be Tarzan, they got that part of it. If you want your body in tune, you want your mind in tune. You got your alpha brain. You got your fucking shroom tech, whether you want the sport or the fucking immune, you've got the new mood. You've got the stevia.

You've got the hemp protein pot. You got the hemp protein bars. You got to turn around 180 if you want to fly. Guys, there's so many fucking different things to offer, but you're never going to know unless you go to honet.com. Take a look at what the fuck they got. Order it. Put my thing in the box.

What's the thing? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H in the fucking box. And that's it. Who's better than you? Boom. Three, four days later, you got some honor.

Start yourself on the program. Really, if it's walking, whether you want to see if the alpha brain, the alpha brain has a tremendous guarantee on it. I don't know what the fuck it is. Joe used to always talk about it. Give it a fucking shot. You're sitting there like a moron scratching your fucking head thinking where to start.

That's where you start with your health because without your health, you got to God's number two in a couple of weeks. We don't, we lose dollar shave club. You guys got like a couple of fucking days to take opportunity to this $1, $6 and $9. You go to my fucking web page, joeydeas.net and you go to the dollar shave club box and what's the code? Church, church, C-H-U-R-C-H.

Don't be so fucking stupid. You don't have to look it up. It's right there at the, you got the $1 plan. You get the fucking solid core with four fucking razors shipped to you. No drama for $6. You get the double blades with the alloy strip. You got a fucking tremendous deal for $9. You get the double blade with the strip triple fucking.

It's sharpened by some Japanese guy in a cave. I mean, let me explain something. You put this fucking shave on your nut sack. You won't see a hair for a fucking month. You want to shave your wife's fucking pussy? The same. I won't suggest shaving your wife's asshole. Do that on your own time.

Dollar shave club does not represent or stand behind the comments made by joeydeas about shaving a woman's asshole. Number two, you got $9. What's nine times 12? What the fuck? Lee, I give you this, but this is what I'm talking about. $96 a year. You know that you're shaving products.

108 and you know your shaving products are coming. Why go to the store and stand there with the thumb up your ass looking for razors, you know, you're going to get fucking raped. So do me a favor. Go to dollarshaveclub.com or go to joeydeas.net. Go to the box, press in church. Boom. Get your tent.

Get your fucking deal. $1, $6, $9. All right. That's how the fuck we roll here. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Joe, you know, so I'm sorry. I'm sorry the podcast was deep for you today.

It was a little deep for me too, but that's how the fucking things go down. Sometimes it's not all about ha ha's and he he's sometimes you got to get up, look at yourself in the mirror and say, today is the day somebody's sucking my dick. You understand me? Absolutely. Absolutely. What's happening, Lee?

What's your point? I, um, people are almost having, I, I, I can't talk to you for 10 seconds. Hold on. We need to do this. It's Monday morning. Cannot. Oh shit. There you go, motherfuckers.

This is when somebody breaks your heart, some, somebody, twice as smart as I, okay. So, uh, did you have a point you wanted to make about, about going to your church, your wife's church or no? Cause we got interrupted and no, no, that, that I, I, I listen. They have a tremendous daycare program there. And, uh, I just, if you're going to have a religion, I want the religion to be real from the heart. I have nothing against your religion.

Everybody has their own religion, but it's Christianity, Lutheran, Episcopalian, whatever the fuck, Catholic, Jewish, whatever the fuck you are. But make me feel like I'm going to religious thing. I don't want to get beat up or whipped, but it's 2013. You're still fucking boring me to death with the fucking Jose Feliciano acoustic fucking guitar. I can't deal with that shit. No, the guitar kills me.

It was fucking terrible. It was fucking terrible. Let the choir fucking sing. That's normal. Then they got that. They just got into conversations that I don't want to talk about in church. That's it. That's all it really was.

You know, and it's not my type of church. Remember, happy wife, a happy life, guys. I'm not going to go over there and bust up balls about the church. I'm just not going to go. She's not going to get mad. And if she's cool with that, my wife doesn't get mad at that type of shit. My wife understands that I'm impatient. I'm very fucking impatient.

You know, I snap at the drop of a fucking dime. If my impatientness, and if I could be doing something for an hour at home, you know, and I feel bad because church is something that you do as a family, but it's not really my type of church. I don't want to go to the Catholic church unless she feels a hundred percent committed. Do you understand me? So that's where I stand.

I have nothing against nobody's religion. I talk a lot of shit. I respect religion a lot. There's people who are atheists or whatever, whatever, but all religion is his hope. So by you telling me you're a fucking atheist, you ain't got no fucking hope. We all have hope for something. Okay.

It's stupid that we bow before a shrine or whatever, but maybe it isn't. Who the fuck knows Chinese people got Buddha, the light and incense. They're putting rice out there for the fucking guy. Who knows who knows the Cubans do the same on Monday. The reason why I play it. I want to be around because in the Cuban faith, Mondays are for the spirits. You know, Mondays are to put a candle and light candles for the people that you lost and to let them know you're still thinking about them.

You know what I'm saying? That's what Mondays are for in my house. Yeah. And my mother used to go the extra mile. She liked candles and put a dish of food out for him and shit. I'm not that fucking crazy. Now, well, I still don't think I believe in God. I'm more agnostic, but when I was younger, I was atheist.

When you, when you were younger, your mom passed away and you were 15. Were you atheists at that point? Like, cause that would be reasonable. No, God kills your mom. When I was, when I was born, I was very Catholic. Uh-huh. You know, I believe that dad, my father was never, you know, so that's how it started people, something you wake up one day and say, I believe the fucking Bible.

You know, I believe your father's dead. You love your father and you believe that God has your father. What God, again, that's up to you. You can be with fucking Johnny Hindu. You can be with a Jew God. He can be with a Hindu with an Afro fucking knows. I'm not here to criticize your fucking God. That's right.

That's how it started for me. And then after that, you know, you go to church and blah, blah, blah. And then when I was about seven, my, my mother took me to see this lady called bed on 148th street. And all Santa Maria is in the Cuban faith is Catholicism mixed with African diet ease. So she mixed them and she would tell me stories about the Catholic gods and blah, blah, blah, and it just amazed me and I can't lie to nobody.

I fell in love with it. I fell in love with it and I really felt protected. Once I got put in Catholic school, I understood it Lee and I understood it people at home, but I didn't. I didn't understand all these extra things for Catholicism. I didn't understand why I got hit. If I did something bad, the Bible says to love. I didn't understand why I had to drink my fucking milk.

You know, I didn't understand all these fucking things where they smack me in the fucking mouth. I didn't understand all these things in the church, how I had to go to church every fucking day. Oh, I had to put money in a chair. I didn't understand a lot of these things. So that's when you become Bruce Lee. That's when you in your heart, you like some things, but you don't like the

other. So you becomes a G kundal. That's all what Bruce Lee was. It was a G kundal or what he believed. He believed a little bit of judo work, a little bit of jujitsu work, a little bit of karate work, and the rest of the shit was who gots. And that's that at that point I had mixed those two together. Okay.

And I had a strong faith, but I also saw what was going on with santeria. And that's what happens with every religion. Once money gets involved and it ruins it. A religion is something you do from the kindness of your heart that you do. But I understand somebody has to pay the lights and somebody has to do this, but it's a tax fucking break. And you know, you know, the fucking deals with a church and that's why you open up a church and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But so I really believed in all that, that time. Then you find your mother on the floor with her arm black and blue from the fucking heart attack. What are you supposed to think? You know, she doesn't leave you a will. You have all these fucking things against you. Step dad throws you out. I didn't know it wasn't that I didn't believe it.

I didn't know what to think. And I was pissed off and all I wanted was a sign for him to let me know that this was just something you don't get a sign. It just got worse when I continued to snorkeling. I continued to go out every night and party and jump up and down. So what, what the fuck? Yeah, what the fuck, you know? And then then I got back my faith a little bit when I got locked up.

Really? Yeah, because I had gone away from not, I didn't, I wasn't a part of the Bible studies and nothing like that. Just in my own things. I remembered what happened when I went to see my godmother in 85. And she told me not to do business with three people. She told me not to fuck around with cocaine, nothing white. You know, she told me not to fuck around with that was the most important thing.

She goes, I told you a thousand times, don't do business with three people. Now I'm sitting in a fucking hole because I did a drug deal with three fucking people. So now the religion started coming back to me. Remember, I had done drugs every day since 1970, fucking eight. Now it was 1988 and I was cold turkey. When, once you get off the drugs, you feel your real emotions coming back. You feel what the fuck you feel. That's why you smoke fucking pot.

That's why you do acid. That's why you fucking drink. That's why you do coke to fucking hide what's really the pain that's killing you. Once that pain rose, it was amazing. So guess what I had religion? I had religion to calm me down a little bit because now I knew that they I believed a little bit. Holy fuck.

She told me three years ago not to do business with three people. She told me to stop snorting coke. I knew when I did Santeria, I'm not supposed to deal with weapons. So what the fuck am I talking about here? So here I am. So now I had a little bit, but not really. I got out 88. I started selling cars and I saw one day some guy that was sitting

in the front pew at church cheating on his fucking wife. So all these things took me back a little bit. Once I went to Sacred Heart in Boulder, I liked that church and I like the two priests. It's not like I hang out with fucking priests and listen to fucking Coltrane smoke though. I just liked them during initial thing. I liked what they were doing for the church, you know, and then I stopped going there too.

After I got divorced, fuck that church. It's a kiss of debt. That fucking it's like a fucking horse track with fucking Filipinos or whatever. Fuck, you know, it's a bad luck fucking horse track. And then I moved here. I moved here and I got into acting and the standup and I lost everything. I was so overpowered with the ability to do standup and movies and auditions and snorting cocaine, you know, the cocaine from fucking 98 to 2005.

My cocaine use was off the fucking chain here. So that cocaine use was still there. And then after Marilyn died and she told me those things, that's where everything revamped for me and I walked into church. I did that movie Boilermaker and there was an old guy on the movie. That was the guy in Scarface that grabs Al Pacino's face and says, how'd you get this car tough guy eating pussy? And he had lost his wife before the movie.

So I talked to him along the set. I was, I was stopping to do coke. So I would talk to him as I wasn't doing coke anymore. You know, I would talk to him about not doing blowing him when he talked to me about the pain of his wife. His name was old man, John. He was as Irish as fuck Lee and funny as fuck. You couldn't bring up George Clooney around him.

He would go, fuck that motherfucker. He can't act. You know, this guy was a bad motherfucker. He was in dog day afternoon. He was in Scarface. He was in Boilermaker. Look him up. His name is John, John something.

Old man, John. He probably dead by now, but look up the movie Boilermaker. There'll be a lot easier and just read me the names of the fucking people. There's a Boilermaker on IMDB. So him and I started going to lunchtime mass at Sacred Heart in Hollywood. Blessed sacrament to where Pacquiao goes to church. And then one day he found out about this new church. Right.

And I'm Santa Monica Boulevard, a Catholic church that does lunchtime mass. So he goes, my friends told me it's not bad. I go, would you? So he went to this thing and there was like three gay guys holding hands. He went off in the church. Fuck these faggots. And I had to pull him out of there and I laughed all the way to the car. And then me and Ralph, he took him to lunch one day.

What was the guy's name? I'm looking. It wasn't John Savage. No, that guy was in D-hunter with DeNiro. Johnny Creer. Let's see if that's him. He was a detective in it? No, he's one of the old guys in the.

Yeah. No, there's another old guy. Let me keep looking. There's an old guy that was in Scarface. He was in Dog Day afternoon. He was in some other big fucking movies. I wonder if he died because he was living in Hollywood in the heart of Hollywood in the ranked control department.

And they were trying to get him out. So they were trying to get him out. And they they were trying to get him out. So they were trying to put him up at the SAG home for old people in Woodland Hills. And he was fighting them. So he still had a ton of life ahead of him. I would pick him up and then somebody called me and said he was young and screaming at the landlord. And they were going to move him through his sisters.

But the guy was fucking hilarious. Nothing yet. If if if if he his name might not he might not have gotten billing. Yeah, he got billing. He got billing. Let me let me switch with you. I'll find it. Because I can't do it.

Sorry guys. Let me just switch with my man here for a second. Let's chat, John Savage. Check with you Mike Redd. Keep going. Keep going. That's it. Jesus Christ.

All right. Go back up again. Wow, baby. Keep going. Keep going. Check with you John Savage. Wow. But he was in.

He was in Scarface? Yeah, he was in Scarface. Scarface. There it is. And fucking. Let's see. He was the. He played.

Inspection. So that's how they're going to have immigration inspector. There we go. John Brandon. Told you his name was John something. Come on. Come on. Keep going.

Keep going. Let me just read what it says about. Oh, sorry. Yeah, they didn't put him in with a. Borland maker. Keep going. Let's just see. That's it.

That's it. Go back. Put them back. John Brandon. Let's see. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

Check with you. Confessions of the hitman. Keep going. See Webster. You're looking for. Keep going. You're looking for. McCormick and Schmidt.

Scarface. You're looking for Hill Street Blues question. You're not landing Archie Bunker's place. Look at this fucking resume. Do you see. Sir Pico. Look at this shit guy. Sir Pico.

Gun smoke. This motherfucker was a savage. I can't find all day afternoon. But. Yeah. He was either Sir Pico or one of those. That's how bad this motherfucker was. He once told me a story.

Sorry about walking away from the microphone. He once told me a story. It's John Brandon. You're right. He wants. He once told me a story that. That he went when he went to read for Scarface. He.

They made him read and the guy told me when Al comes in. So at first he fucking roughs out. He's the one that grabbed Pacino and goes how'd you get the scar on your pussy. Tough guy eating pussy. I had to get the scar on your face. Tough guy eating pussy. And all of a sudden he goes cut cut and the director or producer goes come here for a second.

Let me talk to John. He was John. Don't touch his fucking face. That's the shot. How dare you touch his face. What's the matter with you? Next time grab him gently. And next time Pacino goes are you ready?

Yeah. But all of a sudden Bramford goes how'd you get the scar on your face. Tough guy eating pussy. And he only grabbed his shirt. And fucking Pacino goes John would you please cut my fucking face already. So the director just turned around and hid because he had fucked up. Pacino wanted to be grabbed. Pacino wanted to be you know touched and pushed.

You know that was gonna sell the scene. So John said he felt really good that he made the right call. Yeah. John was a good guy. I hope he's not dead. He was just an old fucking geezer that would tell people exactly how he felt. Also this weekend when I was on the plane on Southwest now they give you free TV and I noticed the people sitting next to us were watching Hulu fucking plus and I asked them

a bunch of questions and they were watching a show called Savage. Okay. Savage or something like that. Yeah. And I asked them how they liked it and they said they fucking loved it that they've been part of Hulu for like four months now. They didn't sign up because of me. I'm not going to tell you that.

But they said that they loved it and they told me all the advantages and the Wi-Fi's and this and this. And you know what that makes me happy because I know Lee and I made a great choice. We're picking sponsors. Okay. Hulu plus two weeks for free 799 a month after that. You got original programming. You got fucking law and order SVU.

You got Saturday Night Live. You got so much stuff on there. You can't not be a part of that. You understand me? Please go to fucking joeydears.net. Go to the Hulu plus box. Pressing Joey. Right.

J-O-E-Y. Get yourself two weeks for free and then 799 a month after that. No fucking strings attached. You're going to love it. You're going to fucking love it. My wife lives on fucking Hulu at work. She was telling me. So please you go watch it on your phone.

You go watch it on fucking an iPad. Some smart device. You can even watch it on some fucking asshole. Some guy will let you put a screen up his ass. I don't fucking know what you do for entertainment. Hulu plus dot com. Go to joeydears.net. Check out my dates and why you there.

Go what the fuck. I like watching TV during the weekend. I want to save money next year. 799 a fucking month people. That's 96 a year. Correct? Correct. So what the fuck are we waiting for?

Let's go to Hulu plus dot com. Go to joeydears.net. Go to Hulu plus. Pressing Joey and get your two weeks for free. Let's get this fucking party started. You know why? Because that's how I roll. It's Monday morning.

I got time for fucking fun and games with you people. We tried to put a podcast together today. I don't know what the fuck happened to it. I'm stoned. I'm having a good time. You look great. Yes I am. No you're not.

You look great. This is what I was trying to tell you. I want you to build resistance because in 2014 if you want to hang out with these crazy motherfuckers with the Constantine Reigns and the Leons and all these people that we fucking shout out, you got to bring both guns, Lee. The fucking people who listen to church and come to the shows, they're fucking professionals. Do you see the bag of dope they sent you? Yeah.

Do you see the bag of dope they sent you? It's the biggest pill bottle I've ever seen. I think people don't fuck around. They love you. I don't ever want you to lose face in front of them. They come to you with a fucking bazooka that's got a thousand milligrams of THC. I want you to eat it, look them in the eye and go, what are you going to do? Suck my dick or lick my asshole.

That's what we're trying to talk about here. Again, the motto of the fucking podcast is what the fuck do you want to do? Do you want to walk out on your fucking knees or do you walk out on your feet? The rest is up to you, bitch. That's why I love you. The church of what's happening now. Let me tell you what I'm doing just to let you people know what's going on. This Friday and Saturday, I'm going to Nashville.

I'm only doing one fucking show a night. Don't come crying at me later. The tickets, Joey, we don't know what to do. It's not a big place. It's 9.30 show. That's it. Following James Gregory, one of the funniest fucking men you've ever seen in your life. Next Monday, we're not doing a podcast.

We're doing a podcast next Wednesday and Friday, the 20th, because I'm going to the premiere. I'm taking the fucking bloggy and I'm putting it all on. I'm doing a mad flavor world. We're going to tap into Lee's editing fucking world again because he loves to edit. So we're going to do a live podcast. We're going to do a premiere mad flavors world, especially one because you guys are part of this. You guys are part of my life and without you, I wouldn't even have had the luck to fucking do this movie. So that's what we're doing.

So next week, it's Wednesday and Friday. We'll be back Wednesday at 6 a.m. And then I'm also doing Doug. Get high. Get Doug with high. Get Doug with high Wednesday afternoon. Like I said, I only got two days left this weekend. You ready for this?

I got Nashville, but New Year's Eve is not really just a New Year's Eve show. It's a CD release show. I'm releasing the CD, the 31st of fucking. So I'm going to try to have Lee burn some copies. I'm going to try to give away. So it's not just a fucking comedy show. I'm going to have some tremendous fucking comics there. And I'm going to have a CD release party.

I'm going to smoke some dope. It's 30 bucks. Take it in. You're out there at 10, 15. Are you listening to me? There's going to be a DJ. You could stay up there. You could eat dinner.

You could jump up and down. There's a hotel right on Universal City to share it in. If I was you, I'd do that complete plan. Take some mushrooms. Bring your girlfriend, shave her ass off with the Dollar Shave Club. Give her some honor, new mood, and fucking, I don't know, watch Hulu Plus, whatever, the savage while you're being a fucking savage. So what my point is, it's a $30 CD release party, New Year's party.

You're out there at 10, 30, whatever the fuck you want to do. And that's it. It's going to be easy. December 31st, John Lovitts. Go to johnlovitts.com and get your tickets fucking today and cut the shit. Okay. Plus on the 25th, on Christmas night, me and Lee and Paula. Sure.

We're going to go to the movies to see Grudge Match. You know what? You're invited. If a hundred of you come, you're invited. The movie sucks. We all watch it together and we take the loss. Okay. That's just the way it is.

The movie's going to be great. You guys are going to love it. So please, we're going to keep you posted. What movie theater? It's going to be like the eight o'clock show. Go open your presents. Kiss the kids. You know, go see your mom.

All that shit. We're going to try to make the movie theater as late as you can, like 8 30, you know, 10 to nine, whatever the fuck that time is so people can make it. We're all going to be together Christmas night. A church fucking gathering. Nobody does this type of shit no more. Nobody. Nobody.

We're going to be fucking Benny Googles. We're going to be fucking crackers, whatever. If you want to suck a dick, come on down too. There's going to be plenty of guys there that need their balls licked. So come on down. I love you people. That's all I got to offer you. You know, I wish I had more, but please, Christmas Eve, let's get together.

Christmas night. Christmas night. If you can't make new years, I understand. If you don't live in Nashville, I understand, but these are two days left of the year. Let's all get together. Christmas fucking night. Watch grudge match as a fucking family, as a fucking family. So if you want to bring turkey sandwiches, you want to bring cookies from your house,

cupcakes, lace with marijuana and hash, Lee is ready. I love you guys. Have a fucking great day. Stay black. I don't know what else to tell you guys. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Fuck it.

Tremendous podcast today. Yeah, that's I'm really excited for you, man. This is this is like the calm before the storm. Yeah. When it comes out, it's going to be. Listen, I don't know what it's going to be, but let's watch it together. I don't know what it's going to be, and I don't give a fuck what it's going to be. You guys know what it is.

It's us. This is what it means to get up in the morning and have a dream and just make it happen. So let's just go together. Bring, bring weed. Don't bring weed. Bring an edible. Don't bring an edible. Just bring money for your fucking ticket.

Everything else will figure it out. We'll buy 20 pounds of popcorn and show up each other's ass. Fucking no. We'll butter it for you. I love you guys. Have a great day. Stay black. Oh, and quickly, Augustino Zoida and I, he's been on the show.

He opens for Joey. Sometimes we started flying G-Radio. It's been submitted to iTunes. Check it out, please. Follow me on Twitter. And that's it. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC,

smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub

banner. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.