Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 12/12/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #38

Episode Date: December 13, 2012

Comedian Ralphie May calls in to talk about his weight loss. Danny B's brother Gary calls in to talk about his 21 year stint in prison. The show is brought to you by Onnit. Use Promo Code church for a discount at check out. Streamed live on 12/12/2012

Oh shit. Crank that motherfucker Lee. Oh shit. Wednesday December 12th. Fuckin. Today's the first day. I don't give a fuck. Crank that motherfucker Lee. It's Wednesday. The church of what's happened now. Joey Diaz. The flying Jew, Lisa Yatnahal. Kick that motherfucker Lee. Oh shit. This is a badass song, Lee. This is great. This is a badass song. A lot of people are like, you look Joey, you like the coke? I don't give a fuck. Listen to this. Any part of this song you go back to, they're fucking rockin'. Yeah, it's awesome. It's fucking rockin'. What's happenin', baby? I feel awesome. I'm happy to be here. You're happy to be here? That's it. That's it. Plain and simple. Fuckin. 10, 12 days before Christmas. That's all you got for me, Cocksucker?

I'm just hoping the world doesn't end so I get to go home. The world ain't ended, man. People think. But don't buy no presents. Don't buy no presents till the 26th. If you're gonna die, hold on to those chains. Just in case the mines just drop like a missile on Omaha or something like that. And there's no lights here for a couple days. You gotta be prepared. You gotta be prepared, motherfuckers. It's Wednesday, midway hump day. That's why we're here. Give you a little love. Sorry about burping there. I just had some Canada dry ginger ale. The fucking sugar-free shit that kills your inside. So sorry about burping online here. It's not, it's illegal to burp online, Lee. Do you know that shit, though?

Who said that? I'm telling you. It's like you can't curse over an open phone line when you're talkin' across state. Did you know that? Well, then you should be in jail for the rest of your life. I know. Public press charges don't, you know what I'm sayin'? But like, let's say you're on the phone with somebody in Jersey and you curse or something like that. It's against the fucking law to curse on an open line across state lines. I never knew that shit, though.

I worked for a sports betting service and called somebody a cunt and then they got back to me and showed me that. Really? Yeah. How's it sounding, Lee? Am I loud enough for you people? People complaining? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. We got a great movie for you. We got my man Ralphie May calling in. We got my man Gary Bohannon calling in. Straight from fucking, he just got out of prison. You know, Danny Biancullo's fuckin' little brother. And everybody's ready to roll here. Guess whose birthday it is today?

The main birthday today. One of the main reasons why I kick it is fuckin' Francis Albert Sinatra. Now, let me tell you something, guys. I don't walk around dressed up with a fuckin' suit and a cigarette thinking I'm fuckin' Sinatra. That wouldn't happen to me. But I'll tell you what happened. Sinatra's originally from Hoboken. My mother's bar was in Union City, which Hoboken basically, it's up the corner. When you're watching the Sopranos, which is back on HBO, five o'clock every day here.

Monday through Friday. When you're back on, I don't know, when you watch the Sopranos, when he kicks out of the Lincoln Tunnel there and he goes around, that becomes Union City. So, it's funny. My mother used to always play Tony Bennett. Halfway of that setlist. She had the same setlist every day to open up the bar. So, as soon as she opened the bar and turned the alarm off, she'd play I Wanna Be Around by Tony Bennett out of respect. But in that playlist was My Way. And I'm being a little kid and listening to this shit.

And that last verse of My Way always killed me. It always, since the fuckin' first time I heard that song, that little verse where I... Hit it, Lee! This is why I love Sinatra. I'm sure you knew, when I fit off, more than I could choose. Claiming responsibility. But through it all, there was doubt. I ate it up. You gotta fuckin' take it to the roof.

And spit it out. And spit that motherfucker out. That's what we preach. And the church of what's happened now, and that's why I gotta fuck. Listen to that fuckin' chant from the beginning today. We can't put it on here, cause he a mile, take me over fuckin' YouTube or whatever. But you listen to this fuckin' song, you listen to what this motherfucker is saying. Hit it. Left and right.

It's that fuckin' old man sittin' there, reflecting on this fuckin' life. But this whole song is about havin' balls. Never fuckin' sellin' that. And I couldn't believe this guy was right down the road from the old books. So I listened to a bunch of the music and I dug it. The lady is a fuckin' tramp and all that. Those are all cute songs. But this anthem right here, when you're a little fuckin' confused in the mornings, you don't know what direction to go, you pull on fuckin' my way.

You smoke a couple joints. And you have a couple coffees. You see where your head goes. This motherfucker, he told what's her name when she came to him. I mean listen, there's a lot of stories about Sinatra. He was a prick and I fuckin' get it. But he was also a fan of the underdog. There's a story about a restaurant on Sunset where he went in and some Spanish dishwasher, knocked over a tray of glasses

and he only started yellin' at him and shit. Sinatra went up to the owner and said, listen, what the fuck? You know, he was workin'. It wasn't like he did it on purpose, it was an accident. He goes, how much for all the glasses? And he paid for all the fuckin' glasses. And he said, one day, I come to this restaurant all the time. Next time I come to this restaurant, that kid would still be workin' here.

You know, Sinatra was a tough guy for the underdog. Yeah, he told all these idiots in Hollywood to suck his dick because that's, you know, like there's stories that he would just do one take or some shots in a movie. He would just do one take. What the fuck is all these takes for? For you to do what? For you to do what? One more of the fucking, it's done, it's in the can. That's what Sinatra symbolizes in my fuckin' world.

What's happenin', Terry Clark? There's my beautiful wife, Ty, she's a couple days from bustin', she won't even come on camera today. Her stomach is gigantic, but I worry about my wife, I mean this is big. Anyway, back to fuckin' Sinatra, forget my fuckin' wife, we'll talk about her later, no problems. But no, that's why I love Sinatra. So I don't want, guys, I don't want you to think I'm a phony fuckin' Tom Waits fan

or somethin' like that. Sinatra, and some guy on Twitter hit me yesterday, he goes, you gotta listen to these two albums. I listen to those two fuckin' albums. Those are the albums everybody re- and they were horrendously bad. You know what Tom Waits sounds like? Like he ate a fuck, like somebody put a fuckin' grenade in his throat.

We gotta call him then. Oh shit, that's our first call of the day. Who's this? Oh! God fuck it, talk to me. Who's this? How are you, sir? What's up, baby?

Where you at, cock-a-licker? I'm at Nashville, Tennessee. What the fuck are you doin' up so early? It's 8.15 in the morning, usually you're in the, right now you're rolled over having fuckin' a dream that you're at the Milky Way factory. Doin' a tour of the Milky Way factory and shit. I know, I know what I'm thinking about,

I'm knee-deep in Milky Ways. I hate you. I'm actually turnin' over to New Leaf, man. I let Sid on X out here, losing weight. I'm down 52 pounds so far, and I'm doing great. Yesterday I did, actually the day before, I did 80 push-ups, like real modified ones. Not growin' on my knees or nothin'.

I heard you broke your fuckin' toes. I heard all your toes are done. I heard you, those push-ups fucked those toes up and shit. I broke two of them, jumpin' into the pool. I flipped up some algae at the Y, and I fractured two of them and dislocated two of them. I put one back in the socket, and the doc had to put the other one back in the socket.

Oh my god, cocoa, they're black and blue. They look horrible. People don't understand what I mean. Let me tell you something. These motherfuckers don't know that when you're a little overweight, like we are, we exercise, we fuck up those feet. I pulled my fuckin' calf doin' jumpin' jacks. Not jumpin' jacks, a jumpin' rope.

I had to go to Acupuncture yesterday. She put 150 fuckin' needles in my calf and laced it. It feels a little better today, but at least we're out there raffin' That's why I try to tell these people that listen to the fuckin' podcast. At least that's all that matters, that you're out there gettin' the blood movin'.

I'm proud of you, Ralphie. You're fuckin' savage. You've made some decisions this year. I'm tryin' for the kids. I'm tryin' for, I'm tryin', you know? I'm tryin' to represent. It's what we're doin', man. I'm not perfect by any means,

but I'm fuckin' tryin', man. And I'm doin' it. I lost 52 pounds, that's better than 52 on, you know? Yeah, no, no, you feel a lot better. Next will be 100, next will be 150, and then you'll be getting standing ovations makin' out with three girls, you know what I'm sayin'? You'll be back!

I just wanted to see my dick bonafide, you know what I mean? I hear you, you know, Ralphie. I thought I would use a reflection, I would use, like, three mirrors, you know? You know, it's funny, because the last time I seen you, you picked me up at a hotel. I think it was in Vegas or somethin'. You came and got me, and I was tryin' to tell you that.

I said, let's go get some water, and I got a pack of cigarettes, and you're like, you smokin' again? And I go, nah, I smoke at night, when I bullshit with people, and it was somethin' that I did for a year, and about three weeks ago, I was tellin' me, I just stopped. I just stopped, and the same reason, for my daughter,

you know, my wife's gonna be, have this baby. I don't wanna fuckin' walk around with a machine. Ah! You know, to the kid, scarin' her more. Look at my fuckin' face, I'm scarin' her enough. So, I've just been smokin' a vapor pen, and I've just been smokin' like these little fuckin' things at night or whatever,

but I don't smoke no more, so health is big. And I didn't even wait till December 31st. We started now, which is the most important fuckin' thing. That's good. Once I, are you comin' back to LA, or are you gonna stay out in Nashville? Um, I'm here through Christmas,

and then I'm in Phoenix for New Year's Eve, and then after New Year's Eve, I'm gonna be in LA for a couple days, then I'm in Vegas. Then I'm back in LA. Cause I'm gonna give you some products.

Strong bone from HONET, and I'm gonna give you some. Yeah, yeah, the strong bone is, I don't know all the chemicals in this shit up, but I tell you what, man, I've been on the strong bone for about four weeks now, since I started pushin' HONET, and my bones don't hurt, Ralphie.

My joints don't hurt, bro. And that's big when you're heavy. Yeah, we'll send you some strong bone and some hemp protein, and we'll get you going. You're gonna love it, Ralphie. It helps me a ton, brother. It helps me a ton.

But I'm proud of you, Ralphie. Your bad motherfucker was still keeping the tradition of Gardner, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I love it, man. I love it, Coco. We're not the animals we used to be.

It's great, man. We're doing good. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great.

We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great.

New York is independent. We make selfish AT&T at a lot, and I take multiple classes, and I take multiple classes, I take multiple classes, and I take multiple classes, and I take multiple classes, but I am Claus idé.

I take multiple classes, I take multiple classes, I take multiple classes, I take multiple classes, if your health is not there and you have a big career man you inspire me every fucking day that's why i do what i do you know what i'm saying so uh i'm proud of you cocksucker go in there and do some jumping jack yeah i'm gonna come out there in march and spend the week with you and do some uh

when my wife has the baby we're gonna go visit her parents in Tennessee and i'll swing by you for a couple days because i'm not gonna stay out there with her the whole time her parents are fucking crazy them Indians are fucking crazy they mean business you know what i'm saying so uh yeah my my in-law is a fucking nuts i called yesterday and he answered the phone my phone logo he says who's this i go your son-in-law he goes i ain't got no son-in-law he goes i gotta because i got a daughter that made a mistake

so yeah you convinced me you might have a partner hahaha fucking raffy may call you raffie may call your mother fuck i have a great week and work we're here from you again before you graduate from the program or slimming shit right up savage i love you brother have a great day yeah you got by so you see it starts with the little fucking thing brother

it just starts with little couple moves here in there and here's a guy that uh you know, cleared out of schedule, cleared out of schedule because he knew something wasn't right. Yeah, he's a guy who goop tours. I mean, before he got sick, he was touring every week. So he that's that's a lot of that's a lot of money to say no to. Listen, when you go on the road, guys, your diet becomes shit. It's all McDonald's. It's not all McDonald's. It's fried food. You really can't judge it. You know, you travel, you wake up at some hotels, they have oatmeal. Some hotels, the oatmeal tastes like dick. Some hotels, it's Indian owned, which I have no offense against the Hindus that you wake up and the fucking apples smell like curry. You know what I'm saying?

Because they've been cooking the curry and so you can't eat at the hotel. I mean, sleeping, you know, people understand that sleeping is just as important as you die. That's why I take the new mood. That's why I get I try to get some fucking sleep all the time, because it's very crucial. What's happening, brother? Call back on the other number. Call back on the other number in 15 minutes. I'm on the radio. Right, bro? All right. That is my man, Gary fucking Bohana. But what I didn't know, it's not about diet only. It's about fucking sleep, man. Like last night, I went to the Laugh Factory, which is great, because I followed Ari, Damareva hosted. And as I'm walking on the Laugh

Factory heading to the improv, Rogan calls. And he's like, I'm not headed down there, but I couldn't wait. I had to go to the improv and drop a contract off. Then on the way up, I stopped at the fucking Ha Ha. You know why, man? I'm excited about tomorrow night in San Diego. So I want to get like my numbers up. Like, you know, for a long time there, it's tough to do comedy during the week. And now I'm doing like a training camp where I try to go out and do two or three sets a night. I'm trying to get ready for San Diego and next Friday, the end of the world show, which Rogan said with like 50 tickets from selling out. So who do you want to meet? What do you mean? You said you wanted to meet somebody tomorrow, or you met somebody last night.

Did I meet somebody? Like, I don't fucking know. I'm high on that vapor paint. You know, I need to eat edibles for a few days. You know, I'm just trying to beat the edibles. And yes, they had to go by the library. And I go, let me go over there and see if they got those little caps to have those little oil caps for edibles. It's not really a chocolate or a gum or a cup. You don't have to eat nothing. It's like three fucking calories. So I went over there, Lee, and I ate one. And I didn't think of anything up and I only ate the hash cap to loosen up my calf after acupuncture. Let me tell you something, bro. I was fucked up last night. I really was fucked up last night. I went down to, I drove on Laurel Canyon. I was fucked up though. No lights

were coming in my eyes and shit. No, one is probably enough for a normal person. How much would you normally have three? The first time I knew you were fucking crazy was you took me and I couldn't go in with you because I didn't have the license yet, but you got those pieces of taffy and like you would have one and then that's 10 minutes drive back to your house. You just kept it at every stop. Well, every stop sign, you kept unwrapping it and putting another one in your mouth. And I was like, how much are you supposed to have like one? But who do you think I am? Gary Bananos? I've been smoking dope for 30 years. So the resistance has to be up there. So I always just try to do the best I can. Do the best I can. Lili Lili, hit me with some fucking

music. What do you got, Franco? Joey, this beautiful Wednesday morning. All right, we could do the smithereens if you want. Let's do a little blood and fucking roses. I love the smithereens by the way. They got a couple fucking great jams. I followed them for years. There's an alternative day today, all right? I had the coat. I got the smithereens. I got a great fucking movie for you today. I got Gary Bohannon calling. Hit it, Lili. Oh, shit, Lili. Oh, yeah, man. Here we go. While I'm on this music, I want to give out a... Hit it, Lili. What are you low on shit for? Lili, blast that shit. I don't give a fuck. Hit it, Lili. You bad motherfucker. You the flying jeweler. The third day of Hanukkah. What day of Hanukkah do you think? Oh, shit, Lili.

You my wife's delirium serial. I'm your bananas. Look at you. Oh, yeah. I love my eyes and I see you. Blood and roses. Hit it, Lili. What? What? What? What? What? What else, buddy? Tell me something good. Fucking New England. Oh, that was great. What's this girl's name from Mexico that died? I want to give out a Jenny Perez. Oh, look at that. Rosie? Is it Rosie? No, Rosie Perez. She's Puerto Rican, you fuck. I just, I've been looking, you know, I heard of like a year ago. I went to do one of George Perez's rooms down and their music was on at this Mexican bar and like, it was fucking strong and I asked George who she was and he told me, I'm like, God damn, that fucking lady's got a powerful...

Jenny Rivera, sorry guys. Jenny Rivera. So I want to send them my condolences, RIP to everybody. I mean, the fucking Mexican singers got bad goddamn luck. Every time they're about to cross over, you know, they've died. So my thoughts are with the family and the prayers and all the fans. Now you used to be scared of flying, didn't you? No. I thought you said you like you would get off planes and stuff. I had anxiety. I used to, I've been flying since I was fucking three. So it wasn't the plane itself, it was just anxiety? No, I get anxiety. Okay. Your mind starts thinking I was doing a lot of blow. Yeah. You know, I was worried about other things and your mind, you know, anxiety is a burp of the fucking mind. You know, it's just, it's all rolled up with fear. So you're

probably right, but I wasn't scared of flying. I'm not scared of flying. It's the weirdest thing. I don't even think about it. Yeah. And sometimes when I do think about it, I go, it's not time to think about it. I shouldn't be thinking, because you only think about flying, dying in a plane crash when you sit on a fucking plane. Yeah, but you do that every week. Yeah. Once you sit on a plane, you put your seatbelt on and the edible starts kicking in. You're like, huh, what if this motherfucking plane went down? Yeah, it's a, it's a joke from Seinfeld that Costanza says, aren't you surprised that no baseball teams have died? But it's crazy. I mean, it's always horrific when this happens. Well, those are baseball teams that have died basketball teams. Has a whole basketball

team died? Uh, yeah, Ohio, whatever. Oh, shit. Well, yeah. 76 or something like that, a plane went down two planes, the same college, like two fucking planes that went down. Let me look. They got bad luck with hiring fucking pilots, but it's surprising. It doesn't happen more. You know, man, they've done technologies way ahead of the game. I mean, they almost have near crashes in the air. That's the big thing. We have so many fucking planes on the air. I forget the name of the basketball team. How sad is that? But I fucking forget what the plane crashed. Wichita State did a couple years ago and then somebody did it twice. Yeah. Marshall University, Marshall and somebody else. It was in November of 1970.

Yeah, that was that was this flight. Who the fuck is because they even had it on one of the HBO things that that the plane went down twice. I forget what the basketball team was. I was like in the eighth grade or something. One of the Ohio's or something like that. Anyway, don't worry about it now, Lee. We can't do no research now. Sorry. What the fuck? It's eight in the morning. Nobody wants to do fucking research now. People want to party, cocksucker. Speaking of parties, I'm in San Diego tomorrow night at the Madhouse Comedy Club. As a matter of fact, tonight, my boys are down there at the Madhouse. They're at the American. Hey, hey, knock it off. Who is that? Yeah, that's fucking Demi is beating up on grain. Shit, I'll fucking

strangle that cocksucker. Don't forget tonight, the American Comedy Company, eight o'clock. My man Red Band with Red Band is down there with Sarah Tiana and T-Bow. I seen those guys last night at the Love Factory in Harvey. I had a good time last night, the Love Factory. Yeah, you've been on there a lot. T-Bow was cool. Bro, I don't know. I don't know how this, listen, man. All I want you guys to do, whatever you decide to do in your life, your career, whether you want to be a fucking plumber, is just go for it. Because the possibility is endless when you go for it. When I came into this town 14 years ago, I went to the Love Factory the second night thinking I was fucking Johnny Goomba coming off Seattle, and I walked in there

and Jamie Masada blew my fucking bubble up check. What'd he do? He popped my fucking bubble up. He's like, buddy, you're not a LA comic. He goes, you're a cabaret comedian. You have no point of view. You have nothing, my friend. He goes, I cannot make you a regular here. And I was heartbroken. But I said, fucking, because all I wanted was spots. I didn't need to be a regular. I just wanted a loophole. So I would do Latino night on Monday nights, and I'd get auditions and shit out of there. A lot of people going there to watch, guys. But over time, I just stopped going on Monday nights. They switched governments, comic switch, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-boo, so you lose faith. This year, after you guys bought my CD and the podcast, Jamie called me one day, and he's like,

I hear good things, my friend. Come on down here. I did the podcast with Dom, and you know, he sends me to Long Beach. Listen, I don't have an HBO special, not like that that I'm training for. I just want to be a badass fucking comic. I do great in podcasts. I'm a better character than anything, but I'm not a real authentic standup. Bill Burr. Rogan. No, those guys are writers. Tony Incliffe. Those guys are real writers. Last night, I came up with that thing on stage about Jew sneakers, fucking, instead of Jew shoes, how they would chase you for fucking 90 days. I get lucky sometimes, and I have a little bit of material, and I roll on improv, and I get lucky,

but besides that, I don't want to be lucky. I want to be good at what I fucking do. So that's why I've been going out more. I've been going to the laugh factory more in between. You go to the laugh factory, you got to follow fucking Dane Cook in front of college kids. That's murder. I'm for 300 pounds. I got to go up there and dance and wiggle, and I don't care what people say. Dane is still fucking good. You know that? I like fucking Dane. I never not like Dane, man. Okay, he's not, you know, he's not a fucking machine of extracting all these high level Bill Hicks jokes, but I like fucking Dane. He takes me for a fucking ride, bro. I saw his first two CDs, and then I saw him live at the garden

when he started doing like the basketball leader tours. I haven't seen him for a couple of years, but whenever the first CD where he's talking about punching a horse in the face, or like, you know, punching a bee in the face, and he's scared of horses, I was in high school, and it killed me. I like Dane, and Crystal Lee is down there. You know, listen, man, I don't go to Hollywood a lot because I have to be around the egos, but I don't like being around egos, and you know, Dane don't have an ego no more. He knows where the fuck he stands, you know, so I'm happy that they give me sponsor the laugh after. I never want to walk into the fucking comedy store again. Not because I hate to play

swimming, but like I always say, you got to close one door before another one opens, guys. One day you look around, you go, what the fuck am I doing here? You know, I got to refresh myself. Sometimes people get bored in their life. When you get bored in your life, you get the trouble into other areas. You know, so like I say, you know, all these people that I'm betting on this, New England's a lock. The only lock in life is yourself. If you've been on fucking you, that's what I got from that Sinatra song my way, bro. You know, regrets, we all got a few, but we keep fucking going, you know. I get scared every time, bro. Listen, people, I've said this a thousand times, nobody's a bigger scary cat than I am. Before I go to do comedy,

I think of a thousand reasons why I got a pee, I got a quick comedy. You know, fear is in us, and fear isn't a scare the shit out of you, it's going to make you fucking sit on that couch. If it was up to fear and procrastination, you'd be on the fucking couch all day, scared of leaving the house because an atomic bomb is going to fucking hit. That's why I don't like a lot of people watching news because the media hits people in weird ways. You've got to fuck the news. I know things are bad in this traffic, but get out there. You ever watch the news and they're telling you how bad traffic is, and you're sweating at home because you got to go somewhere and you get in your car and there's no fucking traffic. You have to let that karma

get in that happened a few months ago. It's the fear of the media, the fear of your family, the fear of friends telling you what you cannot do. How lucky am I that I had friends that told me what I can't fucking do? And the best friend you have is you. That's the best friend you have, is telling you you can't do this. Fuck these motherfuckers, fuck my parents, fuck my fucking loser friends at the bar. I'm going for this shit. Who's calling there, Lee? What the fuck is going on this morning? It's a beautiful Wednesday morning, you know what I'm saying? I'm high, I'm fucking excited. You guys got to go out there and do your thing today, because if not, what's going on this weekend? What do you got? You got work all week. I got work all week,

and then I'm just packing and getting ready, but... You're starting to pack already. You're leaving in two weeks. I bet you're packing. No, no, I'm fucking packing my apartment. Please, I know this motherfucker's got a suitcase ready. You can't wait to see Mama Candy. Oh no, yeah, it's going to be good to go home. Yeah, but before you go home, you got to get fart in your face. We haven't discussed it for a few days, because you're going to suck your little meat before, so you're relaxed and shit. We got an eye patch company that's going to sponsor the event. Well, good. They contacted me and said they'd like to be involved in the event. Will you put a little bullseye on it? Maybe. We're going to shave your one eyebrow,

so she has a target, you know what I'm saying? I don't want to... We're going to do this right. You're going to make some money. This is going to be good. I'm going to give you a little check on fucking Friday the 21st. We're taking the bullet. You're sad, Lee. Lee, you've come a long way. We've done a good fucking shit last year, Lee. Yeah, but so why does that have to end when you're getting farted in the face? Because that's going to open up huge dwee. You know, this is going to be bigger than Kardashians suckin' a black thing. You getting farted on your face is going to be bigger than the Kardashians suckin' a black cock. How fucking strong is this? Somehow, I don't think that's going to happen. You're going to knock her off fucking Google

Trending. Nobody will give a fuck about her little kitty until they see Lee. Lee motherfucking Syat. Remember, Lee Gamble on your fucking self. You know what I'm saying, Lee Syat? We got some fights on the UFC this week. I think it's Shane Carl went against... against... Lori Nelson. I didn't know they had fights until that heavyweight thing. I guess maybe they do. What heavyweight thing? The Dos Santos. No, that's 29. You're right, but they have one fight before that. That's what you're saying. That's a good fucking card. I'm not going to talk about today, but that's a good card. With my luck, I'll be stuck giving birth. Oh, shit. Not giving birth. Helping my wife give birth. Hit it. It's my main man, G. Bohannon. What's going on?

What's up, buddy? How are you, my friend? Just taking a day by day. Had my little Jane Fonda workout this morning. Without that, I'm not... I'm not right. It's my fix, you know. Before we get started, I got to let people know who my man, G. Bohannon is. I tell a story. You know, Gary, I told the story three years ago about me bringing mushrooms back to Jersey to get some blow and some guns. And I put them on the kitchen table and I'm doing dealings with your brother. And I hear... And we're like, what the fuck is that? We go in the living room and there you are. How old are you? About 14? About 14, 15, I believe. And you ate like fucking 10 of those mushrooms and shit. And we're like, Gary, what the fuck? And we left you there and we came back

that night and the house was dark. There was a light on. And when we walked up the stairs, there you were on the couch and you looked at us and you said, what? I ain't tripping. And we fucking died a laughter. I still got the smile on my face right now from that. From those mushrooms? How old are you now, Gary? Absolutely. I'm 43. Wow. So that's a long fucking time. So if you were 43, if you were 14, I was 20 when I was picking up those guns for me and bringing the Coke from Colorado. You used to drive me to the airport. Did you not tell these motherfuckers, Gary? Yeah, absolutely. I remember the last time we saw you, 87. Me and Michael Mayer that were taking you back. We were all skied up, all pumped up, all paranoid. And I remember when we were leaving

you, I thought we'd be filed by state police. And all I wanted to do is go back and do some more lying. One of the last times you dropped me to the airport, it was when the Mets won the World Series, wasn't it? One of the times you drove me, that was 86. Yeah, the last time, yeah, 86. Yeah, one of the times you drove me, it was cold. And I got to the fucking airport. You're not going to believe this. In those days, Gary, you didn't walk through a tunnel, you get to the airport. You had to walk outside, like you do in Burbank. Yeah. And everybody had, everybody had jackets on, winter jackets on, and they're walking outside. And I had a t-shirt on and steam was coming out of my fucking body. And I'm walking through the thing and I'm thinking to myself, what, these people

don't know, I just did an eight ball of fucking blow the last before I, in the car, I probably, I had done, bro, at that time, you know, what people understand about the 80s, Gary, it was, everybody was doing blow in big fucking ways. I mean, I'm lucky to be here, you're lucky to fucking be here. We're lucky, G, G, you're 43, you just got out of doing how many years? 21. 21 fucking years, 21 years. And I was also told the story, which is amazing, when you robbed the fucking bank, you put a fishing line into the night depository and you pulled it out like, was that you? Yeah, that's how we, we, that's how we basically started off, like that night deposit boxes on the fishing line. And then we would just jam the keyhole with our crazy glue.

So when they come up and try to put their key in to make their night deposit boxes, we just hit them up right there and take that shit. That's how it all like basically started and then just moving up and taking control of the banks. Now you were robbing banks from scratch? So you can't go home? You were robbing the banks from scratch, like you were going on there with a gun by yourself or you had a crew of guys? Yeah, well, I had a couple guys too, but like, I always did better like solo, plus I get to keep all the money instead of splitting in a few ways. Because, you know, basically, I was the ringleader. I knew with Deepak's Black Tracker devices, you never let them touch the money. You hop over that counter and you

touch that money. You open those counters, not them, because they're for, uh, uh, die packing there. And if you can't bend it, you can't spend it. That's why. And you never let them touch the, the money, the talents ever. That's how it goes. Did you ever rob banks in North Bergen anywhere in the area or just away from there? Yeah, you know, I, I, my, uh, doubtful was like in the beginning was, uh, shitting in my own backyard, but I didn't know no better until I started realizing what it was is, uh, bringing the heat. And then you just go out of state and go, and that's what I would do. Go to Connecticut. I'd go to New York, Pennsylvania. Can we get the bank covers, all those guys and pull them over, it's undercover cops.

And you do them that way. And that's, that's what I knew. That's the lifestyle, uh, from North Bergen. There's a criminal enterprise and just one big party scene, shoot the Washington Heights, get the call girls, party all night. And, uh, the bad parts when, uh, they're looking for you, the cops, when they know it's you. That's the bad part. That's the fucking bad part. And you're coming down off that blow and you spent the money, you know, they're looking for you. God damn, how many nights I go to bed knowing somebody was looking for me, you know, always somebody was looking for me in those fucking days. I mean, Gary, we got started in this young. And, uh, when I talked to you yesterday for the first time, I couldn't believe how good you sounded because

I could tell him in your voice, you're done for starters. You've done your time. Yeah. You know, after so much time, it just breaks you. You don't want it. You know, you realize it's a bunch of bullshit. And, uh, although she is, it's up to you to change, not the system. The system don't give a shit about no one. No one. It's up to you. It's amazing that we've had this talk. Yeah, they want you to fucking fail. They want you. Once you're in the system, it's so hard to get out. Like not to, because once you're in the system, if you get into a fistfight, that affects your system. So yeah. Yeah. Actually years for that. And, uh, Attica next year, three more years for amputating this kid's body parts. And I

copped out to another three years more because he pressed charge on me for taking his ears off and eating them on him. No, you did not. Yeah, I did, man. You're a bad mother fucker. The other people like who I was doing it to, they just took their medicine, getting pressed charges. I went to, uh, you know, the box shoe for like six months. That's it. But you know, there's one guy like after a while, he knew I kept on doing it. So he figured, you know, he'd get a lawsuit out of the state because that was my ammo. You know, people like, you know, the, um, poke you up and all that. I'll just amputate you. I'll just see your whole face, take your nose off. Let me Johnny McNeil and then to McNeil. Yeah, fuck yeah.

From what? Yeah, I took Johnny's nose off. That was my first arrest in, uh, 88, 89. Took his whole nose off. Aided on John McNeil. Yeah. He was a younger brother. Right. Right. Did you get into beef with him? Yeah, actually we, I was breaking up a fight with him and his other kid and all of a sudden he started attacking me. We were all coped up, all partying all night. And, uh, I didn't want to fight. One of them, he just started doing those wrestling moves and, uh, you know, I, this was, uh, 30 street fighter. That's it. That's the way to get out of those moves. There's no rules in the street fight. No, there ain't no rules. You bite a mother fucking idiot. That's shit. So you buy, you know, I've always been surprised. Like when you watch

UFC and people always got a great arm bar, I'll punch you in that fucking nut sack with that other arm. Your fucking arm bar will end right there. I will crush that fucking one nut with the hand I got. Uh, now how many prisons were you in? How many prisons were you in? Uh, eight, eight different one, eight different maxes. I started, uh, from, uh, Bayside and I went to Norway, uh, Northern state, and then I went to, uh, uh, downstate and the Attica. Attica was a straight up nightmare. Where the fuck is Attica? Attica? Attica is where the riot happened in 71, September 13th. Let me make sure you never

forget. All 40 people were killed there by the national guard and they executed everyone in that yard in D block. Now Attica is in New York state. Yeah, it's up by, uh, Buffalo, Wyoming county. Okay. Yeah, it's a maxy max. And you know, you got all the high profile guys there from, uh, Mark Chapman. You got to kill John Lennon. You got Joe Rifkin up there, the serial killer, Zodiac killer, Eddie, Eddie feeder. He is crazy dude. He was a virgin till he came to prison till he had sex with She-Mail. Are you fucking serious? I'm dead serious, man. It's actually, it's still in the article if you go to, uh, because the New Yorker magazines came and, uh, interviewed him because, uh, his lover wants to get a sex change operation once the state

paid for it. So they did the article about it and they talked about, uh, the prostitution ring up there in Attica with, uh, the She-Mails that the COs run in C block that, you know, you get the CO2 packs and, uh, you pay the She-Mail what you want and you get like a half hour in the cell. Yeah, they got a whole bunch of them up there. And that's how we, uh, first, uh, had sex was with a She-Mail, Tina Blass, ex-Latin King. Yeah, you got a media article, April, April issue of 2004 to still be in there. So what's a She-Mail have? Do they have a pussy a She-Mail? They just got tits and they suck your dick in the ass. Yeah. Well, they consider their pussy their ass, you know, their ass their pussy. And you got a lot of guys who do it a lot of time, man. They ain't

going to show no shame. They're going to go in there and have their way with them. And it's just the way it is up there. It's a different lifestyle. I bet a She-Mail could suck a hell of a dick dog. One of them She-Mails with a half a fucking wig on and some mascara, they'll suck your dick to the first level of skin falls off with fucking She-Mails. They had, and they could fight too. They can, they got a good knuckle game. You know, they might be taking in the ass and sucking dick, but you test them there. They knock you out and take your ass, leave your ass all bloody and shit. What, uh, who else is up there? Who else is up there at Attica? Uh, what do you call it? Joe Bresken is the serial killer of the line,

island one. You got Berkowitz up there. It's on the same. You see that motherfucker walking around? Yeah, they moved him to Sullivan now up there because, uh, he, uh, born again Christian. So he does like a ministry up there. Um, you had the happy line killer from the Bronx. I could kill all those people in the fire, like 90 people. Can you talk to these people, Greg, or Gary, or you stick to yourself? No, I, you know, I open up conversations with them. It ain't like, you know, I'm gonna double bunk with these guys or take a bowl of food, but you know, you'd be nice to be nice. Actually, Mark Chandler was actually a good guy. You know, what he did to, uh, John, that he got to live

with that, but I treat him the way he treated me. And that's how I do it. You know, no one that dictate me who to hate or who not to, that ain't me. Like, uh, Eddie at, uh, the ODFL, the copy one copy, cap one from New York. Yeah. Uh, he's just a bug out, but he, he's dangerous too. Like he get a hold of a zip gun. That was his specialty, making homemade zip guns. So you get him pissed off. He could just sneak up into your cell and, uh, make one of those homemade, uh, zip guns and, uh, blast you in there. So you don't want to get certain people like that pissed off. The only reason I was up there is because, uh, I was high profile scaperist when I escaped from Jersey. And, uh, all I had was knots in my stomach when they first

sent me there, but you just either wolf in there or you pray period. And you got to do what you got to do to survive in there. How many times did you escape? Uh, I escaped actually twice from the custody in North Berkeley. Uh, the last one was, uh, Hudson County. I had, uh, go over to a 15 foot barbed wire fences. I had to go underneath his guard tower. Then I just from the Hawkins Sapp River almost drowned like three times there. And I was bleeding bad from the razor wire, caught me right in my head, my chest, my arms. And then, uh, my girl was meeting me on the other side and straight to New York and how my people take care of me from them. And then, uh, I got busted with the last bank job after that in Westchester County with the

Chase Manhattan Bank with, uh, helicopters and dogs. And they were stomping the shit out of me when they caught me and asked me, you know, where's the money? Where's the guns? And I'm, I'm speaking in tongues because I ain't letting you know who I am. So I figured, you know, I was speaking the unknown language that they think that they can't copy hands to stop beating me. So when they're working, when they're taking me back to the police station and trying to get me into the, through the all map with these flags from Eastern European and not just be like, shit up a book and we'll die. No, I'm having a mall to speaking in tongues like that. And it worked for like an hour and two, uh, they came back with fingerprints with two pieces of pizza

and a soda and saying, uh, Gary, we know who you are and we know you speak English. That's when, uh, big dogs came in and took control of it. And then, uh, my girl was actually trying to get me out again to break out. Got caught with, uh, having a chisel, which is the county taking out their window frames, almost got out one more time. And, uh, but in the end, I'm glad I didn't, because all I would have done was make the situation worse and I'm just grateful to have my life back. That's the main thing because she wasn't working because all she did was, uh, split, took the money and started like banging some other guy. There's no loyalty into that. No, that's not real. So you're single now? Yeah, because, you know, yeah, absolutely.

So a virgin too, since they came home, been out for a month, kind of nervous to be honest. And we talked about it yesterday. It's like a dream. You're walking around the fucking dream right now, bro. Yeah, because you don't know, because, you know, they still got the leash on me, the feds, the state, and, uh, any little thing. They can just come in and take you back. So, you know, I don't, I don't get high. I give them their clean urns. I work part-time. I do the programs. You know, I focus on me first. That's the whole thing. Got it. For your own sanity. I'm surprised I didn't put you in a halfway house or something as a transition. Hey, actually, uh, that's what happened. The feds put me in, uh, the federal reentry program

March 15th, last year, 2011. And I went there for the 48 hours to Newark, to the collar place. And when I came back from the University of Social Security card, from back to the federal reentry program, I was with my cousin and, uh, my mom on a five-hour pass. I come back and a marshals come in and draw guns on me and bring me back saying, Jersey, uh, stores are, are water for you that your time ain't running correctly. Like all my time was in town, in my New York, my fellow friends. But it was all retaliation from when I last escaped. They weren't giving me the credit. So April 4th, when I was done with my federal time, Jersey took me back to their custody.

And they would tell me straight up, we don't care what the court says, your time running in current, you should never escape, did all that stuff. And we ain't letting you go. We're tapping out five more years. I told them all my time was in current. It took me 19 more months to get in front of a judge to see what they were doing was illegal. And on November 2nd, uh, he forced them, you know, release this man immediately from custody. This man Max's time now while he was in New York and federal custody and his time did run in current. And then the hurricane happened. So I had to wait another week for a state worker to release me from prison. And that's how I got out from, uh, a Hudson County judge and, and, uh,

the state, the prosecutors didn't even oppose the motion. They saw I was being held illegally, 19 more months illegally. Yeah, some third backs yet. If it wasn't for, um, the state and the judge looking at it, I'd still be there for like another four or five million years. What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to do that you're out now? Uh, to be honest, uh, spend quality time with family, do the right thing work. You know, get a good bail. Um, you know, go talk to trouble kids in the high schools, the ones who wouldn't be tension and stuff. Cause you know, when I was younger, and I never had no one to talk to me, you know, about the consequences of what you do. Little

things, uh, leave the big things. Well, look who you had around you. You know, look who you had around you. I was your uncle. You see all good role models though. You know, but looking back, it's a lesson learned. Everything, uh, is, uh, pre-wet and I believe it's like, it's just well, a product of our environment. And I, I believe certain people got experience, certain hardships, so the rest don't gotta go through it. And if someone can like learn from my experience and, uh, stay away from the criminal world, the DRI. Cause you know, when I was doing the things I never thought about the consequences of the time that they give you, and they shut your lights out. Cause the system was designed purposely for not the rich,

for the poor. And, uh, for where we come from, that's all we knew was hustle. That's it. Make money. And that's all you see in there. It's just like, you know, regular average people, you don't see too many, uh, really wealthy people, except in the federal system, white collar things, but they gotta put someone in the way to make a look there. That's just the way the system's designed. They don't educate you. I believe in school, everybody should like have a basic understanding of the law of each crime in that state. Like if you get caught with drugs, it's how much time you face, if you do a robbery, burglary, whatever, that's how much time you'll face. I was ignorant to law. I never knew about it until, uh, you go in front of the court, especially you get a public

defender, they would sell you out one, two, three. Yeah, they, they got 90 people on that fucking caseload. They just look at gain experience. They trade you in. And they give a challenge the less time. That's the crazy part. They give them like a one to three and go home and come right back. But, you know, stick up here and want to give you a life sentence. Well, there's always a potential for voxie. It was the same thing with my case. I didn't know Gary. And that's a great point that you do not know what you're doing to you. You know, now we got law and order. You know, so the last 25 years people got educated on law and order. We didn't have law and order. You know, we had fucking Hawaii 50 the original. Uh, you know, when I kidnapped a guy, I didn't

know that was kidnapping. I thought that, uh, you putting a gun to somebody and making them go to another room is just the thing you did. When I turned myself in, I had three fucking chapters of kidnapping, one, two, and three and aggravated robbery and burglary and accessory to a felony. I had like six fucking charges, Gary, that all I thought was what I, that I tried to rob the guy. I didn't know nothing about these fucking things and mandatory. I had a plea bargain, Gary, because if not, they were going to double the time on me. So if you have a car, yeah, you go to trial, lose. Yeah, lose, you know, crime of violence. If you lose, they give you 24 years. It's times two. It's 48 fucking years. So they don't even let you take the chance. They don't even want you to take the

chance that maybe through fucking something, you could change the fucking jewelry. You could do something because in the back of my mind, Gary, I had been getting away with it for so long that I thought I was invincible. I can't lie to you between that and the blow. I thought I was going to go in and charm him with my charisma. You know what I'm saying? They don't give a fuck about funniness or nothing. That's why I learned about, uh, and that's what you, I hear in your voice, man. You've, uh, you've claimed responsibility. Yeah, absolutely. And that's the biggest thing prison teaches you is claiming responsibility, man. You know, even though all those years, I didn't allow the system to make me better,

ever. You never do that because when you come out better, the system won. Indirectly, that's what they want. You have so much hate and then do something and then lock you up and they can say, see, see these guys never change. Lock them all up. They come up with new laws. Lock this, this dude up forever. This one forever. Just, uh, to control the population like that, anything. And that's how they, uh, manipulate the public. Most people ain't educated about the law like that. They don't care about no one but themselves. It's all about money. The longer they keep you in, the more money they get. Yeah. The prison, you know, it's funny. Uh, when I got arrested in, uh, in Washington state, it was the most evident Gary, because if you get bailed out,

they won't let you out right away. So if you get bailed out at nine the morning, let's say Lee came and bailed me out at nine, they won't let me go to eight o'clock at night because they want to get the money from the state. So they want to charge the state for that extra day. They're hoping you do something stupid to freak out and get a new charge. And you know, listen, one thing that I got to tell you is that, uh, you know, you think about those situations, you know, like, but it's us that put ourselves in there. You know, that's why they can't educate on it because some people are responsible. At our age, Gary, who weren't responsible, you know, we weren't ready to take on the world and the world's terms. You know, that's all it is. And we made a mistake

and you're out, man. And I tell you, when I talked to you on the phone yesterday, when I hung up with you, I felt so good because you sound fucking tremendous compared to what you sounded like 20 years ago. Hey, Gary. Hey, Gary, this is Lee, the producer. He wants to ask you a question. I just had a quick question. Cause I'm 24. So you were basically in jail for my entire life. And I just, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying to think of how you could, like how, what it would feel like to be somewhere for 24 years. And then like your entire world changing. Could you explain like, I can't even imagine what it would be like to be somewhere for that long. And then suddenly they just like letting you go. See, the whole thing is like I was telling other people, the biggest

shock thing is like, I stepped right from the past into the future because from when I see people who I last saw me, like my age from 22 to now, it like breaks my heart because you see them age and they look so different. I don't even recognize them until they say who they are. It's a big, you know, the technology, especially just, I don't even know how to like basically comprehend the remote control still. They got to show me how to do just little things like that, even with the phone, the computer, all that stuff like that, just the style, the clothes. I stepped right into the future. Exactly how it is. Just like that. It's a big, big shock. It's scary. I'm not going to lie. Scared of it.

Now, did you ever run into the where it was like people where you were comfortable in jail and then coming out was kind of, you didn't know how to act or are you just ready to get out? Oh, you know, you always have like, you know, your strategy, how you want to go out and present yourself. Yeah, you think about it during the years, you know, you got motivation through music, you listen to music and you program your mind that way, how you, you know, you want to come out. And, you know, especially like, see my family is the hard thing, especially see my mom, you know, like what she thinks, like, you know, you did all that time to see my mom age and stuff. It just breaks my heart. It doesn't see my nephews. I didn't even get to see him when I was away. And

when you see him now, the old adults, and that's the hard part like that, missing all those years. It's, it's, you got experience at first hand to like really comprehend it. And just eating good food. And like, in a ways, I still feel like I'm in prison. I'm not going to lie. The first few days, I couldn't go to sleep. If I fall asleep, I wake up, I'm still in prison. So you have many days going to sleep and you wake it up and you're still in prison. So it's just, those things is what's still troubling. I'm going to tell you something, Gary. You know, I, you know, I, go ahead, go ahead.

Go ahead. No, no, go ahead. Finish your thought. Yeah. Like, at times, it's still difficult to even go to sleep. I still like toss and turn. Like when I'm in the house and when I go to sleep, I just look at my eyes like a big ass cell, a nice cell with a TV when I'm in the room. That's it. And hopefully, you know, hopefully, you know, I just adapt and all those ways get behind me. I got you, Gary. I gotta tell you, I got you, man. I don't ever want you to go back. You sound so fucking good. I'm going to tell you something, Gary. The last time I saw you, I had a death wish, man. And I know you so did you. You know, we were just

bringing guns on a plane and buying blow and bringing it back to Colorado. I was doing a death wish and I'm happy I ended up doing those four years that, uh, it let me get to here, you know, and, uh, I mean, I remember bringing you a gun and your mom shooting it or something. Who'd she shoot at? You or, or your brother? Yeah, my mom shot at me. Yeah, I was talking too much shit and she had to 357. And, uh, I, you know what's funny about that was a lesson learned when she did that. This was all over. Danny and Gina only get married and she didn't prove to me and I was talking all shit. And she's like, that's it. And she went out, got to 357 and just shot right. Then what? Right past my head. All she did was fall down.

And, uh, Sissy and, uh, was trying to get the gun away from her. I didn't come home for like a few days. And you know what? I never talked shit to my mom since then ever. No, no, that's, uh, I never did. I never did. And when my sister talked shit to my mom, I tell my mom, you know, go get a gun and shoot at her. Maybe she'll learn. You know, I always told her that. Now, where do you have to go today, Gary? No, I got to go see my, uh, pro guy in, uh, uh, any second. Cause I got to be there by 1030 in red bank. Okay. And then, uh, six o'clock, I got to see my federal guy tonight. Well, we're going to check in with you from time to time to see how you're doing and help you out in your transition. Yeah, absolutely. We're

going to put some in the mail for you. You know, I love you to death. I'm proud of you, man. You made my fuck. I'm proud of you more, man. You made my fucking week because I always like when I talk to my friends, I want them to sound good. And, uh, you really did a good job, man. I'm proud of you. And I love you at all my heart, man. I love you too, Coco. Um, but I got to get running. No, no worries. I want you to call here every three weeks. I want you to call here. All right. I want you to check in with us and let us know. And if we could get you a job long distance, we'll do whatever we can in Jersey to help you out. Yeah. He's in rent back. Appreciate that. Yeah, man. Give me a call. I'll give you a call later on. I'll give you a call later on

and we'll chat, man. All right. Okay. Thank you, man. I love you. Say goodbye to the guy. I love you at all my heart. I'm proud of you, man. Thank you, brother. All right. Stay black. God bless you, brother. You too, man. I was fucking heavy, guys. I want to cry because I knew this kid when he was 14 and he had no, he had no chance, guys. When I tell you that he had no chance, he was surrounded by animals. He was surrounded by animals. You guys would never fucking know. In fact, I'm going to see his cousins tomorrow in San Diego. Those are the cousins that used to send us weed from California to Jersey in the 80s. It was unbelievable, guys. And if you don't think about me, you know, that

I'm heartbroken, but I'm ecstatic. He was biting people's fucking hand between mother fuckers. This is where I come from. And that's the other side of me that I've always, I've always fought to avoid because in the back of my mind, I really don't give a fuck, leaves around me all the time. You know, I don't give a fuck. You know, if I didn't have my wife and I didn't have guys like you in my life and Rogan and Ari and stuff like that, because I can't let you guys down. Yeah. And that's the most important thing in life that, and even this kid, I mean, he was 14, driving me to the airport. You think he was worried about having a license at 17? You know, when Rogan tells that story for years, I didn't walk around with a license.

We were groomed not to walk around with licenses. Yeah, because then they don't know you're, yeah, I mean at 14 to 15, he robbed a bank with a fishing line. You mother fuckers couldn't think of that if your life depended on you. He fucking stuck a fishing line with a hook in a night depository and took 30 grand out of something. And then he said when it was too hard, he would just jam the lock and then rob him. But I have two questions for you. The first thing I was thinking is, you did four, which is, if I had to do four, I probably would, I'd punch a guard. Four, I did two, but it cost me three solid fucking years of my life.

I'd punch a guard and go into solitary immediately. Right. Could you do 20 something years, do you think? Lee, I could have done anything at that age. At that age where he went in, I could have done 20 years because I thought that that was where my final result was going to be. That's in my after, you know, in 84, I came out here after my five years after my mother died. And that's, I was so high from 80. I was so, I had my friends. I had so many people around me that once I got out of high school and I got to being alone is when the death dawned on me. So yeah, in 79, my mother that had a death wish by 84, my friend, I had a bigger death wish

because the pain and the reality had set in. I wasn't special. I had nothing coming to me. There was no money in the will. My stepdad wasn't giving me nothing. So I lashed out at the world, you know, when you don't get believe in God, you don't give a fuck. And I remember coming out here and visiting my uncle and I asked him for money. And he said, no, so my result was to rob him. But what made him, what made me want to rob him wasn't the money angle. It was something he said to me. He said that the shit I was doing was in my jeans. And he goes, you're never going to change because it's in your jeans. He goes, don't be mad at yourself. It's your mother's fault the way she raised her stab and somebody

in queue by the young aides didn't help things. It's in your jeans. So that made me feel worse about myself. So it made me even go and I robbed them. I tried to rob. He had to get me out of that gunpoint. And today we talk, you know, we're tight and whatnot. But I was ready. I was ready to die. When I tell you people that I look at my wallet and I see a union card for SAG. Yeah, I can't believe it. I can't believe I have a union card. I can't believe I'm going to be 50 in February. That's crazy. I didn't dream of this. And that's the other thing I was thinking. And it's a little bit different because you're having a daughter. But when you hear of a story like that, and he had a rough childhood, he grew up rough, and you're bringing a daughter.

Does it impact the way you're going to raise her, do you think? Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, anything you do with a child when you're raising them, what's the word, is irrelicable. If you teach your kid at four to say, fuck, you're never going to get them to stop. Whatever that word is, because we're their fucking idols, we're who we are for them. When you smoke a half a joint in front of your fucking kid, you don't think that affects your kid? When your kid finds your weed, you don't think that affects your kid? Because now it makes him okay to do that. It makes him okay to do that. I don't know what's going to happen in 20 years with my child. I don't even know if I'll be here.

So I won't think about it. But what I will think about is how I'll behave from here on in. Because you're responsible for everything. Listen, I've done too much the last 40 years to be responsible for everything at this point. This should I forget. When people call me, this should I forget, Lee. But you know, everything matters when you raise a child, the people you put around them, and how you talk to your child. And like I said, I'm very fucking fortunate to be here. And I didn't have a rough child. I don't ever want people to believe all you're from the big bad streets. And there's no big bad streets. That's what the media tells you. There's just relationships in life and how you handle them when you're out there.

The street is a mentality. It's a way of life. It's not the streets. That's all bullshit. That's what people want you to think. It's the same way people want you to think that when, you know, fucking this guy does Lincoln, I'm supposed to suck his dick. You know what I'm saying? Anybody could fuck them personally. Oh, well, he's a British actor. Get it together. People are saving lives. Those are the people that you fucking bow down to this fucking hero yesterday that died, you know, this seal team guy or a fireman or doctors when they make those little motherfuckers that are important because they're letting us move forward. They lose their lives for us to move forward. You know what I'm saying? What do I give a fuck about some performance in Dracula

or some fucking Twilight or all that shit is fucking obsolete. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't. But I'm proud of this kid. And I know a lot of people are in this predicament right now in their lives. They're young. And they don't know what to do. I get emails from people. I'm thinking of slinging drugs. I'm thinking of doing this, you know, when you don't have a way to eat it. But there's two different things. There's people who sling drugs because their kids eat. You want their kids to eat and they're in a bind in their life or whatever. I can't justify that any level. But there's people who sling drugs just to have a nice lifestyle and talk shit. That was me. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to do the work. Yeah. So I thought that

selling drugs and hanging out a bar at night was fucking cool. I ain't fucking cool. You know, what are you drinking? Oh, have a drink with me. What the fuck are you? The fuck out of my face. So it's amazing the things you learn and what becomes important and not important, you know. And he said he said he wanted to talk to trouble youth. And I was thinking about it. Would that have made a difference to you? Do you think? It depends who did it and how they sold it. Okay. You know, I wasn't stupid and fucking 14. I had been around my stepfather. I had been around Tati. I've been around fucking straight up gangsters. My mother had a bar. I'd seen shootouts.

You know, I seen it. So don't come on to me like, you know, those guys on TV, but what the fuck? It's the fucking quiet guys you got to worry about. Yeah. It's the quiet guys that look at you grin and go and turn around and come back and stab you. It's not the loud mouth like me that you want to fuck with me, motherfucking. It's the guys you smack and they fall down and they giggle. They wipe their face and they go, okay, you know, you got me. You're a king and two nights later when you're coming home, they're coming out from under a fucking bush stabbing you and they head with a fucking pipe. Those are the guys you got to be scared of. The quiet motherfuckers. The ones that don't say shit to you. You know what I'm saying? But I hope you

people get something out of this. There's nothing in that behind those cells, man. And I could have done 20 years. They could have done anything. You know, I could have done anything. But I didn't want to give. I thought my life was worth a little fucking more than than being in a cell. And when you do time, you're giving away your manhood. Even a woman gives away her manhood because even a woman has a little couple of things of respecting them and being a man. You lose a lot and either you want to live without that loss. I can't live without that. I can't. No man can kick my bed and tell me to get up, bro. That's why I asked him because I would have expected that he would have like there's that scene in a Shawshank Redemption where the old guy just couldn't handle it.

Right. And he seems like he's just like he it's kind of like you with the coke. It seems like at a certain point it clicked with me like fuck I don't want to what am I going to do get out and come right back in six months. So I mean it seems like he's fucking on the right path. I'm trying to write a book right now. You have to have a common thread in that book to describe your life. You know, and me and the editor have gone back and forth about the demons me trying to get back what I lost as a child with me. Let me tell you what always kept me if I can go on with my friends. I didn't want my friends to feel. You ever talked like I told you a thousand times. You ever talked to somebody and I go, Hey man, you hear from Johnny and you

know, I haven't heard from Johnny anymore. You know, he only comes around when he needs something. I hate that term and I never wanted to be that guy. I always wanted to come around but give you a payoff. If you help me out, I wanted you to know that you had. I had your back. What does that mean? I have your back. You know, your enemies become my enemies. I got your fucking back. Okay. I got your back. What does that mean that if you call me a four in the morning and we have to go stab somebody, we go. We don't think about the fucking repercussions. We go. Okay. I don't think about your bank account. We go. We go when we do this because if you let them do this, then they're going to do something else. And it's like that thing of the Godfather. They should have stopped

fucking Hitler and Munich. You know what I'm saying? If they were to stop Hitler and Munich, they wouldn't have had this. So you've got to stop anything assaults on your personal life or something like that. You have your back. I never want to let my friends down. My friends mean everything in the world to me. I would hate to let that woman down. And I would hate to let you down. You know, if I went out tonight and sold the gramma coke and I got arrested, guess what, you wouldn't give a fuck. I mean, you would. But guess what? I'd ruin the podcast. I'd ruin this for us by me going to do this. Why would I would hurt you? You know, and that's what I can't do to my friends once you have people that go to bat for you. And I was really lucky that I grew up

where I grew up and my friends get the call here 30 years later. And you know, but that's it, motherfucker. Fuck all this sad talk. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I want to give a shout out to some of my church and what's happened now, fucking soldiers. We're getting a little deeper in here. All right, we got bad Andy. I want to give him some love. Death Squad, Connecticut. I love you, motherfuckers. I want to see a death squad in all 50 fucking states, Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico. They have them. They have them. I want to give a shout out to Mr. 23. My man, Kevin, Honeycutt, David, Chepaloza, Ethan, Mars, Didham, McRod, Silent Rebellion, you bad motherfucker. My favorite Asian Yen Fu, you bad motherfucker. Go teach them karate today, you fucking sucker.

Beach Malls, Frank Burdini. I love you with the fucking beard. John Fadden and Tommy Leonardo. I want to give you a shout out. Today's fucking movie I want to talk to you. Like I said, man, the only lock you got in his life is yourself. Today's movie I really want to talk to you about. I said something. I talk a lot of shit. And the beautiful thing about me is sometimes when I talk shit, I will come back and tell you I talk shit. You know, me and Rogan and Red Band won the podcast when they talked about the best movies came out in the 70s. I talked the same about music and shit like that. I'm just talking shit. A lot of great things came out in the 70s that I could argue with you to the end. A little better in the 80s, a little better in the 90s, a little better

was coming out today. But I'm going to tell you something. The last couple of years and still great movies come out. Great fucking music. And I love it. I love to tell you. And when I think about movies like yesterday, one of my guys is busting my balls that I should do this. What's my favorite army movie? And I try to, you know, make on a list of the westerns. Like I said, I could give you the movies that everybody likes. I could just sit here and be a fucking conduit and type in the hundred top movies and just anybody could say gone with the wind. Anybody could say the Godfather and all these movies. I want to give you guys something that you take home something from. And those are the movies that I fucking love. And when I first came

to this town in 97, I came here with the wrong ideas. You know what I'm saying? What do you mean? I came here to buy time. I was like Richard Geir in The Gentleman. I had nowhere else to go. So I had an opportunity to perform at the Comedy Store. I had an opportunity to live with Doug Stano. So I came to LA. I wasn't prepared to go back to Boulder and be a family guy and try to raise that kid. I wanted to give Stan up a shot. I never thought I was good enough for LA. I never really thought I could ever make it here. But I just wanted to come watch. Just so I knew in my heart that I had come and tackled this motherfucker. And I don't know what happened. I ended up watching this movie with Denzel and the guy from La Bamba and some chick about an

Iron Man movie. I forget what the name of the movie is. It's not important. But there was an actor in that movie that was really skinny and he was really cool and whatnot. I liked him and I heard his name was Good Will Hunting. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. It was Matt Damon. And something made me watch Good Will Hunting. I think Good Will Hunting is one of the best movies to come out the last 20 years in more ways than one. I mean fucking Mark and Mindy was brilliant. The Matt teacher was brilliant. Ben Affleck was fucking brilliant. And Matt Damon was fucking brilliant. I think this movie hit home with me in so many ways because it made me realize that I had a committee of lines in the movies, things that were said, but also their story. They had been here

for years banging around. They took their life into their own hands because they remember where the fuck they were from. They're from fucking Boston, Massachusetts. Over the Boston Red Sox and the Boston Bruins and the motherfucking Boston Celtics who got more championships than anybody in the fucking world. You got to remember where the fuck you're from from time. So Ben Affleck and the other fucking dude, Matt Damon wrote a script that was fucking beautiful. Got nominated for nine Academy Awards and it won two of them. But there's a scene in this movie that grabs you that you just want to fuck. And this is how I feel because this is what I want to do for my friends. I wanted my friends to say, you know what? Yeah, he does this, he does that, but

I'm proud. I wanted my friends to be proud. Hittingly show these motherfuckers the scene. Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way. The point is if you're still living here, coming over my house to watch the Patriots game, still working construction, I'll fucking kill you. That's not a threat. That's a fact. I'll fucking kill you. What the fuck are you talking about? Look, you got something, none of us. Oh, come on. Why is it always this? I mean, I fucking owe it to myself to do this. No, no, no, no. If you owe it to yourself, you cop sucker. If you owe it to me, because tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'll be 50 and I'll still be doing this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean,

you're sitting on a winning lottery ticket. You're too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that's bullshit. Because I do fucking anything to have what you got. So would any of these fucking guys. Be an insult to the watcher if you're still here in 20 minutes. Hanging around here is a fucking waste of your time. You don't know that. I don't? No, you don't know. Oh, I don't know that. Let me tell you what I do. Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. When you go out, we have a few drinks and a few laughs and it's great. You know what the best part of my day is? For about 10 seconds from when I pull up to the curb when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. And we'll go by no CLA to know nothing.

Just left. I don't know much, but I know that. That's what I'm talking about, brother. So today it's Wednesday. You owe it to yourself. Fuck the Mayans again in the end of the world. The end of the world is when you fucking decides the end of the fucking world. It's when you fucking decide these motherfuckers can't fuck with you no more. Thank you for Gary Bohannon. I want to thank Ralphie May for calling until I want to thank you guys for paying attention. Listen, go to Onin. Start your year off right. Start your year off fucking healthy. Look at my skin. I'm looking better. My dick's working. My wife's fucking pregnant. It all happened because I started taking care of myself. We'll do this together as a fucking family.

You know, hit me on Twitter. Let me know. Joey, I lost two pounds. I'm eating more apples. I'm shitting more. I'm slinging dick more. You know, I love you motherfuckers. All the guys I mentioned, you guys are soldiers. Leon de la Vegas up there, the only Latino who loves me in the world. I love you, cocksucker. Fahad Ali, you fucking Arab cocksucker. I love you too, motherfucker. San Diego tomorrow night. End of the world. December 21st with Rogan and the boys. Lisa, what do you want to tell these people? You got a lot for me this week. Are we doing one Sunday, not this Sunday? I don't know. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. If we do, we'll let you know Saturday. I'm going to steal this cat. This cat with Harry. That's great.

Gray slept with me last night. I got up in the middle of the night. Gray was right next door to me. So listen, do me a favor. Start today. Go to Onin. Just get that strong bone. Get that new mood. So you get some sleep in here. Get the alpha brain. It all starts with you taking care of yourself and whatnot. It's not about the fucking drama and the drugs and all that shit. As far as we'll be back, the movie we showed you was Good Will Hunting with Sinatra's birthday today. Light a candle for the motherfucker. Sing my way and get your dicks up at the same time. Light a candle. Light a candle. Do whatever it is you guys do. Have a great weekend. I love you. If not, I'll see you tomorrow night in San Diego. Thank you very much for listening.

You guys are my heart. Don't forget testicle testaments. It's all on iTunes. The documentary is on payloads. Selling like a motherfucker. Thanks to you guys. Have a great week. We might see you Sunday. We might see you Monday. I love what's the musically. Depesh mode. The world through my motherfucking eyes. Depesh mode for you guys out there gargling fucking sperm this morning. You want a little fucking something to jump up and down. I love you. You're the deepest podcast you've had yet. Deep. Deep and shit. Deep. Hit it, Lee. We're ending it with gargling cum. Oh shit. I want to give a shout out to Mishivvits who fucking making this beautiful poster of the church. Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Do

you think today, motherfucker? Wednesday. Get out there, snake dick. Tell them all to suck your dick. You got it covered. Oh shit.