Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 12/18/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #136

Episode Date: December 19, 2013

Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe joins Joey and Lee in studio This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/18/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv, pc, smart phone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Order for joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's that motherfucking time. Respect bitches. That's what time it is motherfuckers. December

19th. 18th. My buddy's fucking birthday plus today's 30 years of the day I robbed Stacey Carini's house. How's that one for you? That's how we're starting this fucking fire. 1970s something. What? I was in world. Tangray and Hennessy until they called Earl what? The church or what's happening now motherfucking respect. Wait what's the story? The edibles already kicking in so you've got 10 minutes left. Why are you crying already? I'm not crying. Just start a fucking show. Don't worry about the edibles. Let them flow. Let it flow through your fucking chakras. You know what I'm saying? Some people go to yoga to activate their chakras. I'm activating your chakras right fucking here. That's how I roll. You know what I'm talking about? And I hope everybody at home is activating

their fucking chakras because that's how we do it here. What's up Lisa? What'd you do all weekend with that your uncle Joey? Nothing. I've fucking dealt with unemployment for the past two days which is a real nightmare right? You know what they do? You know what the purpose of that is? What? So eventually you go fuck it. I'm gonna get a job. I don't need to deal with this shit and I'm gonna let you money. Isn't that your fucking money? It is. And you believe they fuck with your fucking paper? Because they take out 30% because I mean I know it's been a while like I've worked in an office for two and a half years. They take out 30% so that means three months out of the four months out of the year you're working for the government. And it's fucking I went to a work office and

a work placement office in Van Nuys yesterday because I thought people online said it was a better way to get through to them or whatever. There was a ton of people in there on computers and I never realized because in entertainment like it's not that hard to get a job like the job market's pretty okay. The rest of the fucking workplace it's fucking tough apparently. It's tough out there for a bitch. Even hoes are running clearances. And it took me yeah it took me five hours because they're only open from eight to noon. This fucking hook is on Groupon. What does that tell you? What's the deal? I think 160 you get like 92 fucking hand jobs. It's not go about three dollars and 33 cents a hand job. You can't beat that with a fucking stick.

It's a good deal. But I mean I don't know why then I'll just make people on unemployment call like being the call center because what they do is at least in California they don't put you on hold you have to call back and back and back. I called probably. I'll tell you thank you for getting through. Thank you. Go fuck yourself. I'll tell you in front of you go fuck yourself. You're on the line eight fucking minutes. So it took me eight minutes for you to tell me to go fuck myself. You're gonna tell me to go fuck myself off this thing. They put you on hold and they milk you. Then they come up and they go hold on three more minutes then you hold on. This is not even like a real Chinese lady. They say some fucking white computer or something like that. Then they come

back and they're like oh guess what? So they ain't your lucky day. Bye and they just fucking hang up on you. It's you know it's amazing what's going on with people and I gotta tell you something. The worst people in the world like customer service is everything to me. I grew up on customer service because I saw the results from it. My mother had a bar. She was a Spanish woman in 1950 who ran a bar in an Irish neighborhood. They hated fucking Spicks. Do you understand me? They hated fucking Spicks. That's why they made West Side Story. It didn't matter where you were Puerto Rican, Cuban. You ever see like an Irish person and you call him like Persian? They say I'm not Persian. I'm Irish. In your world like Chinese, Japanese, Korean, the Spanish people

in New York they're chinos. Fucking Puerto Ricans, Cubans, Dominicans, the white Irish, Italian with Spicks. There's no way to fucking chop it you know? Yeah. But it's so funny how my mother went in there every fucking day of this job and it was always she always cooked a free lunch. What's it cost you to make fucking carne con papa and white rice and black beans? What's it gonna cost you? Even to feed 20 people. It cost you 25 bucks in those days. She would serve it up for lunch. You know what man? That's customer service. There's no more customer service. That's what the corporations are about. They block our customer service. Nobody takes responsibility for what's going on. When you call because you lose your luggage they give it to somebody else and they

give it to somebody else. Example. Now you know what? I could dope up this fucking story for you people but I'm not going to dope it up because this is a church of what's happening now. The church don't have no fucking color but we'll talk it like this. Okay. Friday I'm supposed to be in Nashville. All right. Tony Hinskill if it's in the house. He's right here winking at me. He'll come in for a couple minutes here. I'm supposed to go to fucking Nashville. So what do you think I do? There's an 11 o'clock direct flight from LAX to Nashville. Money. You can bet your mother's asshole on it. It's on every fucking Friday, Thursday and on the way back there's a 7 AM flight from Nashville direct because if not you got to wait till 6 o'clock. It only goes November 21st

or April. That's how intense I am about direct flights. But what did I do? The flight was 11 to 5. We didn't think Uncle Joey did. He switched his flight to get into Nashville earlier so I wouldn't make the club on the sweat. So I took a flight out at 5.45. You know what time you got to leave your house? 3.45. You got to be that 4th foot. I got, you know me, I got a heavy foot. I got the LAX in 22 minutes. I was a fucking 3 right by the elevator because that's what I like to go early to get it over. I get to fucking Chicago. I'm buzzing. I'm fucking high as fuck. I'm a Chibo Choo, two Gumi Bears and some fucking half a pretzel. No gluten. I'm sitting in this fucking little Puerto Rican playing. You know the one with one seat on this side and two on this

side. I'm in three fucking A. I'm by myself stoned to the fuck. I'm praying that the seat belt fits. That's how high I am on the anxiety. I'm praying that the seat belt fits on those little plans. They're from 1950. People weren't that fucking fat. It fit. I'm sitting there, finally go, guess what? Boom. D-Board. Oh, you're on the plane? On the fucking plane. And then at least they didn't take us out to Puerto Rico, out to the middle and leave you there and you got to piss this shit out in the fucking, out in the ramp with no air condition. That's a, that's a different fucking story. They de-boarded us, which is cool. As soon as we hit the thing, they go, wait right there. They'll tell you the details. Boom. Within two minutes, they cancel

the flight. People are losing their mind. Me, I know I get on a two o'clock. Two o'clock is sold out. Four o'clock is sold out. She goes, what time do you need to get to Nashville by? I need to get there by nine thirty. She goes, what are you gonna have? I go, when's my next flight? She goes, you can leave at seven thirty in the morning. So I'm gonna miss Friday night in Nashville. I go, what are you gonna do? That's it. There's snowing. There's ten inches of fucking snow. What am I gonna do? I go, what am I gonna do? She goes, we're gonna put you in a hotel. They put me in like a nice hotel. We're gonna pay for your meals. $12. They give you per diem for your meals. You have to pay for the rest. And the cab, the whole fucking deal. I go,

let me ask you this, where's my luggage? She goes, we'll ship it right downstairs to you. I go, right? Fuck it. I wait. I go downstairs. Two hours. I don't get my luggage. Two hours? Two hours. I go to this black woman. There's a black man on the phone with her fucking whatever, her aunt, her fucking cousin. Yeah, hold on. What can I do for you? How can you look at this? This is my luggage supposed to come. She hit two buttons on the computer. She goes, I got to call you back. And the whole time, like I'm bothering her fuck. She's the manager at the desk. Everybody else got white shirts on. She's got the blue vest on. Black one. I don't hate black people. I love black people, but this is a fucking black people I fucking hate. She calls downstairs.

She calls one of her cousins downstairs, Joe Lazy. And she goes, she got this suitcase downstairs. She's like, okay, she just hangs up the phone and say, we ain't got your luggage. I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is what happened. I broke it down. If I go, you got to find this fucking luggage, because I got a room here and I got my diabetes pills. I got diabetes. That's what you tell them. Oh, yeah. Because I put some of the fucking spill. Even if you're skinny, like Tony Hinchcliffe, you always drop diabetes or sleep apnea makes them nervous. Diabetes fucks their world up. I got diabetes. I'm starting to taste my tongue. You're saying I'm about to swallow my fucking tongue. So she tells me no. I go upstairs to the

lady and I go, I got no luggage. I might as well leave. They put me at a six o'clock to motherfucking LAX. You're coming back. I'm coming back. I might as well go to Jiu-Jitsu party and come back. Fuck Nashville. Fuck the premiere. I got no luggage. Go upstairs, book a flight for fucking California. And then he goes, where's your luggage? I have no idea. She goes, she goes, your luggage is downstairs and been number four. I go downstairs. Sorry about the long story, people. Let me just tell you what America goes through every day. This is what America goes through. I go downstairs again. I give the lady a thing. I go, it's in been number four. She goes, no, it's not. Don't tell me my job. I go, lady, they just sent me from downstairs.

She goes, you want me to call that man downstairs again and bother him? I go, yes, you do. Call is done. At least now they got on the computer and I go, your luggage is in Nashville. It went to Nashville. So I go upstairs. Guess what? On the way up to the other man, I go, let me just look. I look from the fucking thing and there's my blue suitcase. Perfect. That's the one I got to re-front it. How did you see it? Because I got fucking eyes. I used to see coat rocks under a carpet leak. I see the, it's the belt number nine that has that type of luggage, return luggage and I see a boom. So that has my socks, my sneakers, my jeans, my t-shirt. At least I can get on stage. At least I can get on stage and I have the breathing mask. At least I can get

on stage. The other one had my suit, my shoes. I don't need that till Monday at five o'clock. Okay. So I went upstairs, changed my flight, went downstairs, but if I hadn't looked, I would have came home that day. And this is what I say. The corporate America, I just don't, it doesn't fit into my fucking world. It doesn't fit because nobody could take responsibility. Who was that? Yeah, that black woman, she was going to tell me that Leroy Brown downstairs didn't see it. Then he would have said something. Then she, you understand me? So it wasn't going to fucking work anyway. So, but that's what we deal with on a daily fucking basis. And listen, like my wife was like, I feel bad for you. I go, no, no, no, no. I fly 40 weeks a

year. This is bound to happen. If you're throwing up spaghetti against the wall, it's going to happen. Yeah, you call me didn't even sound that upset. No, I wasn't upset because I understood. First off, I had two cheapo choosing my briefcase. I had a fucking iPod and I got a fucking ATM car with money on it. I'll go to a bar, sit there and shrink cocktails till the fucking flight happens. You understand me? That's the fucking advantage is when you're a comic. Now I remember a time when I would sit in an airport and pray to God when my flight was packed. So I would get a free voucher. I could sit in an airport all day and free vouchers. One time in Texas, I sat there, three flights, three vouchers, I sat there with no weed. I would go out in between and smoke weed

outside and hit 20 cigarettes and come back in front of security. That was the old days. I remember a time when I went to do analyze that when I came back, they lost my luggage and in Denver. And whether you could people want to believe me or not, I went behind the counter and stole a pack of cigarettes. I didn't have a dollar on me. And I went into the bathroom. I didn't care and smoked three fucking cigarettes. And I even ate the filter because that's when I used to smoke. That's when I used to fucking smoke. I needed cigarettes every minute. And, dog, I've been broke at fucking airports. I know what it is to be an airport with no money for 12 hours shoplifting. You know, it's like the shoplift at a fucking airport, shoplift, fucking sandwiches, old turkey sandwiches.

I've done that years ago. I got I was fleeing San Francisco 20 years ago, 1985 on a fucking burglary case. And I was stuck at the airport for three days. I got my Western Union three fucking days. I was taking Puerto Rican showers in the sink next to fucking fags. They didn't close it because they close out of the X now. And in those days, fags used to hang out at the airport in San Francisco. Really? They would hang out at the because in those days, they let you go through the security line. They didn't give a fuck. When you're here to pick up Tony Hinsgood, my brothers come on next flight from Chicago. Okay. And you go all the way to the gate, go away to the gate in those days. So fags would say, fuck it, we're going to perpetuate. And we're going to catch you

right when you come into San Francisco, we're going to put that bird on your shoulder. Just to let you know you get your dicks up and your balls like biggie in 85. I remember being at the airport in 85 being stuck there and peeing. Every time I went to pee, a guy would get next to me. Like every time you walk into the bathroom, you take your dick out and go to pee, a guy would get next to you. And finally, I realized it was the same fucking guy. I'm like, what the fuck he would hide in one of the things. And he'd get next to you and look at your dick. What's that one for you? Fags at the airport. There's no respect left. Tony Hinchcliffe and the motherfucking house. I love watching you talk, man. You're such a bad motherfucker. I'm so excited to be hanging out with

you. I'm just you 20 years ago. Really? I get the feeling you're right. This is all this is. This is just sticking with it. You know, I wanted to bring you out and talk about bookmaking, but that's irrelevant to what we have in common and all the people in comedy and the stories and your growth and what's going on in your world and what you see. You know, what you're seeing now, you're a young comic, shit's cooking for you for two years, you know? And it's so weird that now what you're defining is because in three years you're going to have to decide what happens. It slows down a little bit and you're like, what the fuck? That was sitting with my wife watching somebody and she asked me about a comic if I had seen him. And I go, no, I haven't seen him anymore.

She goes, you know, ten years ago he was the next big thing. And I go, yeah, he got married and had a kid and moved north and that was it. And it's amazing that I stayed because I had nowhere else to go. I had no money to go nowhere. And by staying I did spots and you get funnier. Because that's all, you know, I just heard that in the thing that you were going to do for Comedy Central, I'm sorry to bring it up, but you're going to get other chances. These are all growing pants. Now we'll talk about it, but I heard that all the comics, you know who destroyed the show, right? You know who had the best set of the night? Did you hear? Jimmy Shuber. Now you think about a guy like Jimmy Shuber. Jimmy Shuber's been here since Kenison. He rode the bicycle and got him

off there. The motorcycle broke his leg, knew Kenison. He was in the movie Go, he was hot with movies for a while and then you haven't heard much from whatever the last three years. This is a point I've been talking about for the last year on this podcast that the trends we have in this country for comedy and what comics we go see. Oh my God, he's so funny. But guess what? David Tell didn't stop getting funny four years ago when you bought that last ticket. And Wendy Liebman is still a fucking powerhouse. And Jimmy Shuber still travels every weekend. He's at the store hustling. So when they told me Jimmy Shuber stole the show, it didn't surprise me. It might surprise other people. He's an old man. Guess what? That guy bangs it out every fucking weekend. And when

you bang that, places he's been, he's banged that. He's one of those guys that is highly respected amongst comedians. I mean, he always just brings in energy and all that. So yeah, definitely it's interesting how, you know, when you mix different people in, like it's not no surprise at all that Shuber would kill. He's one, he's an old school cold-blooded assassin. That's fun. It's amazing when you stick with something for that long. I mean, Lee's an editor by trade. How much better will you be in 15 years as an editor? What takes you two hours to do now is going to take you 20 minutes. Yeah. And you're going to see the game as you walk in. You're going to go in and you go, make the cut there, there, there, there. Bring this back, put lighting there. And it's so we the

same thing happens with comedy. I stress it here on the podcast, people at home going, but Joey, I'm not a fucking comedian. Yeah. But maybe you're a fucking bricklayer. And the same applies for you. You're only going to become a better fucking bricklayer. You know, you're only going to become a better fucking computer analyst. You could only, if that's what you want to be, if that's what you want to fucking be, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You don't think you guys, your guys have similar backgrounds? Had had anything to do with how you guys turned out? Who's that? You and Tony? No, not at all. Really? You don't think that like having to figure things out, like we really noticed that you had a different background. Like, don't you feel like you had to grow faster

and with your brain? You know what I mean? Like as far as learning lessons and all that stuff and being able to have the confidence that your opinion counts, you know, sort of? Well, I understand where you're coming from. We were raised in a home where our mother was everything, you know, and our mother not only was our father, but they had the balls of our father. So I understand where you're coming from. I understand the ability to have the respect, to be able to speak my opinions to what I saw. But there was another problem I had growing up. I was very insecure about what the things that I had saw. That's why it took me so long to talk about them. I mean, the podcast forum started three years ago. So that means at the age of 46, basically, is when I started talking

about my life. That means shame on me. But that's how embarrassed I was about my mother was. I always had two lives. I had the life outside my house and the life inside my house. When I was 10 and my friends would be talking about blow, I knew what they were talking about. I was 10 years ahead of them. I had already seen it. I knew how to cut it. I knew what it was cut with. I knew what process. I knew what they called it on the street. I knew what a handoff looked like. I knew when it was good coke. I knew when it was bad coke, just from the lingo at the house. Is that an embarrassing thing to tell your friends? You know, I'm trying to write a book right now. My mom died a week before she died. She told me all she wanted from me was to be a man. So I'm writing the stories

that made me a man. And one of the chapters that doesn't belong in the book, but I have to put in there, is the relationship I had to drugs. The relationship I had to numbers and that. I couldn't talk about that with my friends. I came from my house when my mother did this. The three monkeys. That was my fucking, those were all over the house. What you see in this house stays in this house. You don't discuss it outside this house. Nobody needs to know your fucking business. So when I went out, I kept the light. I know how to keep it light. And where's your parents? Oh, they work at a bar. They own a bar in Union City. Never did nobody know nothing till 30 years after she died that my mother did. It was very embarrassing for me. Then when I moved to Jersey,

I knew other parents that did things. And I would go to their homes and they would look at me and they knew that I knew. They hit it from their kids. But they knew I knew. They would come to my mom's bar and I'd see him and my mom would go, he's okay. So I would be hanging out with you, Lee. And I knew that your dad would come to my mom's bar and fuck my with my dad and my mom's waitress. And I would have to hang out with you. I knew that your dad would come to my mom's bar and snort coke with my mom. Exactly. And I couldn't say it to you. And I would never say it to nobody. That's how I was raised. I would never say it to nobody. I knew that your mom had did numbers. And your dad did numbers. But I knew at the end of the night, your dad came in and fucked the

waitress. Even though I loved your mom and your dad, I couldn't tell you what I saw at the bar. My mom came first. She would stab me and she would tell me whatever he does here. Nobody knows nothing. And that was it. I did that thing with Ari that this is not happening. And that really is my house. When Juan shot that guy in the leg, I was eight years old. We didn't go home. And he was like, well, I shot him because he was a bad person. We went home, went to bed. And the next morning thinking about asking, did you really have to shoot him and going, you know what, I know my house. I'm not even supposed to be asking this. In my world, I wasn't even supposed to see him shoot it. That's how I was

raised. I wasn't even supposed to see him shoot that dude. When he beat that dude up, I wasn't supposed to see it. Did you make any mistakes? Cause I'm just like, I didn't grow up in a house like that. So I can't, as a kid, you're like, you want to talk about everything. So I wouldn't, I would think that'd be something you'd want to talk about. Like, did you ever, like when you were six, like tell somebody and then your mom got pissed off or no, like you never even made one mistake with it. I made one. Well, I didn't really, I didn't really mess up too bad as far as leaking information, but it ended up getting leaked as to something I did. Like, I just remember, I think it was like fourth or fifth grade.

There was a Spanish teacher named Mr. Gil Martin, but he wasn't even, you know, he wasn't Spanish. He was just this doofy. He's just this doofy white guy. Please say I get over here, smoke that reefer, that fucking chima chew. I'm sorry, Mr. Gil Martin. And, uh, and, uh, I'm on a run. I'm cracking everybody up. Like class is about to start. And he's trying to get everybody's attention, but I'm on a run about getting, it was a joke about, I don't know, I can't remember exactly, but it's about getting molested. And I'm like, abdi bam, babdi bam. And he's like, all right, class is starting. But I had one more joke that I just thought of, I even got molested by your work. Cause I was talking about getting molested

by whoever. And then I'm like, I even got molested by my dad. And this teacher hated me, but it was like a, everybody's cracking up. Like it was blatantly like, I was just killing. I was doing standup. And that was my thing is I would just try to make people laugh as hard as I could right before class got started. So I was like, you know, whatever, like a minute and a half before that second bell would ring. Anyway, so I'm like, you know, he's like, and he goes, what was that? Cause he always hated me. So he was always looking for something to mess with me to really be able to cause I'm always, you know, I was a goof. I wasn't like physically like I wouldn't get in fights and stuff. Well, I actually, you know, I would, but anyway, but he goes, you know what, you're

going to be in trouble for that one. And he said that, you know, he went through a thing where he had to call children services, even though he knew, I mean, it was blatantly a joke. He goes, I'm going to have to call children services on your father because by rule, any, any, even jokes about being molested, I have to call. Well, it was a big mistake. He made a really big mistake. And immediately like my, I remember my mom finding out and just being like, Oh no, this isn't going to be good. You know, my father's so disrespected at the thought of even anybody ever, ever. So he's not mad at me. He knows I'm doing, he knows I'm doing comedy. My mom knows I was doing comedy. It's just who I was. That's what I was known for that. It would get me in

trouble a lot, but blatantly a joke. And he knew, but he didn't know the caliber. He didn't realize because I have a different last name as my dad. And so it was like, I don't know how much you know, but like I was like the secret. I lived a few blocks away from him. He had his house sold with his wife and his kids. And then my mom was his girlfriend for 16 years, holy shit, just a few blocks away. My mom had already raised four kids. My closest sibling to me is my brother who's 12 years older than me than it's 14, 16 and 18 years older than me. Anyway, but that's from a different father. So my mom and dad were hooking up. So I was the secret and I took my mom's last name, Hingecliff. But obviously, you know, my dad had

something to do with the first name, you know, Tony. Tony Hingecliff's an English last name and Tony's, you know, you know what Tony is. It's hysterical. You fucked up. You said something like. Mr. Gilmartin wasn't there the next day. No, I never came back. I saw him stacking cantaloupes at a grocery store a month later, wearing an apron in the produce section, stacking cantaloupes. We made eye contact. I gave him like one of those evil smiles like you fucked up because he was always mean to me. That's the other part of the thing. He was always a dick. So he was waiting for a chance to mess with me, but he made a wrong decision. He thought he was he thought he was going to call some doofball accountant, you know, what do we do? Well, no, I wouldn't lose me.

But no, instead, what's the name of the teacher? What's his name? It's that crazy. I never saw anything crazy like, you know, I never saw anything. But I just knew of the, you know, I saw how people would react. Yes, there's a very, very serious situation. It's weird. It really is a weird thing that helped me a lot of ways. I see my wife's in times when she talks to people, it fucking cringes me because she gives too much information, but she gives as much information as the regular American. Yeah, I wasn't raised that way. I don't know nothing. Really doing them on a very vague, what time? I have no idea. It's always a very vague. I don't know. I really don't know. And I don't want to know. Well, it's your, it's

your catchphrase. It's what's with the questions. Yeah, my wife is getting a baby sitter and she goes, you know, I need this because my husband's cat. And I got, you don't have to say nothing. Yeah, but no, you don't have to tell people nothing. I hate those people. I have to say something that loud in Hollywood about Hollywood. And my wife isn't one of those people, but she doesn't know. Don't say that. Just go, I need to borrow a baby sitter. They don't need to know the reason why nobody needs to know your fucking business. I get that from growing up in that house. Oh, yeah, you know, on Saturdays, I used to make $67 running numbers. All I had to do was go from different stop to different stop walking, like regular dumb kid that you see on the street

bouncing the ball. I would bounce that ball, but I go into spots and get an envelope and put it in my ball sack and then go outside with the ball again, like a retard with a G.I. Joe and go to another one and get it. And they would never suspect me. They walk into the building. Do you think I could tell my friends that in New York City, the white kids I was growing up with in the second grade? Well, you couldn't, but I'm surprised you never made a mistake. No, I just knew the way my mom used to look at me and what happened is I'm nothing, nothing. I don't give a fuck. You don't have to say that. And I used to see her in action. I used to see her in action. The biggest thing that blew my mind was people would come in looking for Sophia Cecilio. Her name was Dinora.

So here I was a little boy and I go, no, no, Sophia Cecilio. Got the same thing. You and I have that in common. Gina, people would call the house. She ran everything on the phone. I'm sorry to cut you off. No, that's the truth. That's how bad that is. You're the only person that I know that I've ever known in person that I've ever talked with this about as a human. It's amazing. I've talked about it on a couple of times. To know that your mother has a fucking alias. Yep. You can't ask why. No, yeah. And when I was a little kid, so they used to call the house all the time. And I can talk about this now because she's way out of it. They crack down on all this in the mid-90s. It's Youngstown, Ohio. The first thing that pops up on Wikipedia, it's like

Moffy Run, but the FBI clinched in on it because they were the middle point. It's the gambling capital. Yeah. Ohio, people, the amateurs put money bets in Vegas. The amateurs do. Stockbrokers, I think they're cool. And people think they're cool. They're the ones that go around. You gotta count in Vegas. Good. Keep your account in Vegas because the money in this country is betting Ohio. Michigan, Alabama, that country right there. Go on Wikipedia and see what University of Alabama, University of Arkansas, University of Texas. Look at what all those colleges fucking bring in a year and see what the percentage is from football and see what those people who are donating money, what they're betting on football. When people donate $100,000 to a college on a yearly situation,

it's because you got fucking back. Well, do you hear what they offered next Avon? Oh, please. They offered them $10 million a year over 10 years. So $100 million and 1% of the TV network. And he turned it down. 1%. You know what they get? Millions. $200 million. $200 million fucking dollars those colleges make. You know, and that's part of our country that, you know, nobody has tapped in either. So you give me a scholarship to your school and you make millions of dollars off me. The sports betting, the sports betting was the other one. My mom ran numbers and took care of the sports betting. And so yes, when I was a little kid, you know, when you're a little kid

in the phone rings, you get excited. So sometimes you're like, hello, and like, maybe your mom's not around. Maybe so for there was a, I remember like, maybe, I don't know, five, 10, 15 times before I ever told my mom, like, Hey, there's these people that keep calling here. You know, I'd pick up to go, is Gina there? Gina available? Gina? I'd go, so sorry, no Gina here. And I'd hang up the phone. I thought I was being a polite little kid. So after a few times, I remember I'd go up to my mom and I'm like, Hey, mom, people keep calling here for this. Gina. She goes, What the fuck? She realized immediately hysterical because we weren't sports people. My mother was strictly numbers and numbers has a different set of times. The numbers

bank is completely different. The numbers bank opens at 10. And it goes off at three. Three o'clock. That's it. You shut by four o'clock. We were done for the day, done money in the bank. Money moves. It's a different system. You take it off to yesterday when I got on the yesterday, I was in yesterday morning. I was in Newark at the airport. And I went and I fucking bought a daily news for a dollar. And the first thing I do is go to the horse track section to look what the fucking number is, because I did that all my life. When did they draw the numbers on that East Coast? They still do numbers on the East Coast. No, I mean, like, when did they pick the they don't pick them? It's the track handle.

So it's the last three numbers of either Belmont, Aqueduct or Yonkers. I don't have a lottery anymore. No, no, they have a lottery. They have a pick three, pick four, right? Oh, that's what you number system. My mother was into numbers with numbers are the last three numbers are the total mutual of the track. So at the end of the day, if the track makes $400,650, the number is 650. That's the number for the day. Okay, you could some banks let you do the New York number, which is a different number. But we worked off the Brooklyn number, which is Belmont, Aqueduct, or Yonkers. If it's Yonkers, it's a late fucking number. You know, what a lot of people don't know is that was we knew people were making $25,000 a day

numbers when I was a kid. So so let's say I wanted to bet on it and it was 650. I bet 650 today and I would win tomorrow. Like I'd win by three o'clock. Okay. So you come in here and I'd have a bodega. Okay, I have a bodega. Yeah. Sodas, bread, milk, cheese, you come in at a string with books with these magazines that some fucking guy made at his house. And it's called The Book of Dreams. Okay. And some guy comes in. He goes last night I had a dream, but I got hit by a green car. You take the book of dreams down, you open it up. Green car is number three. Got hit by it is number 27. So you bet 327. I'm just saying some people bet it off the last three numbers and their mother's fucking Social Security. Some people bang the last three

numbers of the grave site, whatever you want to see. If I go to niche, if I see Hinchcliffe, I go Hinchcliffe, what's going on in your world? You're like nothing, dog has been a rough fucking week. What's the story? I'm not going in my pocket. I give Hinchcliffe a number. If Hinchcliffe is real, if I give Hinchcliffe $100 bill, first thing he's going to do is going to look at those three numbers, go straight to the book. He's going to go straight to the bar, get a beer and give the guy in the corner that sits at the stool all day. $3,000. Give me three dollars on 577. Okay, so let's say you bet a dollar, how much would you get back? 500 at three o'clock in the afternoon. And enough people would do it that you wouldn't lose your

money? All fucking day, all day people do it. All day. The same people too. Ran a bank. So my mother was the bank. So you went to my mother and said, listen, I got no money. And my mother said, all right, every day go out and hustle numbers, give 50% of the fucking bank. So you would be on unemployment and you would go to a bar every day. You'd sit there from fucking 930 to three and you're drinking. People come in and go, hey, nothing. What's going on with you? Nothing. Now, yeah, waiting for the number. But are you taking numbers? So yeah, in those day, it was part of the economy. It was part of your world. Here's $2 on 604. Here's $5 on 604. With my mom's thing in Ohio, in Youngstown, how it worked was she would get whatever the pick

three the lottery when it pops up the tunnels between Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. It's 730. That's how it goes up there, the Ohio lottery. And the PA lottery takes place like just before that. So the PA would pop up at the bottom and the Ohio's being drawn at the time. And she would do both. Those were the two systems. So in that area, what it is is it's Ohio and PA straighter box. You could bet on it being straight, like 516 is your number. And you put a dollar on that. You could go 516. That's straight, 516 straight. Or you go 516 box, which is 715, 157, 517, 715. So anything around it? Yeah, a box every order. It pays 500 to one. I don't know what his system paid. I don't know either. Exactly. So you pay me if you give me about the same, it's a weighted

system. If you give me $10, I'll give you back $5,000 at the end of the day. Jesus. And if you get it straight. Not many times my mother hit that number once a month. We're 50 on it. My mother would three or throw 800 on a fucking number. So then it was worth it then? For her, but she would lose. You don't, you know, that's it. You lose every day. It's once a year. In my short career playing numbers, I had the numbers twice. One day I came home with a basketball shirt. There was number 57. And I threw it on the chair and my mother looked at it. She goes, give me a number before that. And I go, five, $5,500, $5,500, $5,000. She gave me $1,000. And then the last year, she was alive on my birthday. And I was walking out with the bookie at the house,

goes, what do you want for your birthday? I go, give me $10 on 219. When I got back, like, you hit the fucking number. So it's, but people will see three numbers and don't gamble anything. I remember there would be one nice lady in the neighborhood you never would have guessed in a million years, in a million years, that this nice little lady that everybody knew was one of the greatest probably numbers players ever. This lady would predict the Ohio or the PA pick three. She was making a living. And, you know, I know this because my mom was, you know, the person. So it would discipline this motherfucking blank, you know, when she would say her name, this motherfucker, I don't know how she does it. Because, you know, when she's, when my mom's the

bank, if there's somebody that's hit and like a couple of few times a week or something, man, this lady made her. Yeah, exactly. Is it psychic or is it just, it's just luck? I was set to do numbers. At the age of 19, I had a fucking 30 hour a week job doing numbers with these bookies that had grown up in 118th and 5th Avenue. Yeah. When I, when I noticed I wasn't going to do nothing. Right before I went to Colorado, I did it with them. And it was interesting. And I liked it, but the decline was already starting. So does it exist anymore? It exists, but it's a one man operation. Me myself, if I call the numbers into a big bank, like I couldn't be a bank anymore, because I wouldn't have people. It's not that big no more. But if I worked it, like I fucking got a

bodega, and I worked it, and I sold it, and I fucking worked for every day, and I got it back in that society again, which would be two or three years to get people banging out. I couldn't make 2000 a week. That's eight grand a fucking month. That's 96,000 a year taking numbers on a daily basis. His mom supported you on it. Seven days a fucking week. I can't imagine like on dollar bets, just in your local neighborhood, because the state lottery is all around the state. Just in your local neighborhood, having it add up to be that much. Those dollars add up. And when you're a street guy, those dollars also become you loan money. Loaning money is big. Loaning money is fucking huge. You'd be surprised, Lee, in this economy, how much a loan shark would make. I know

people right now that if I said to them, tell people that they could get money for three points a week, I know people will call me in a fucking, in 10 days, especially now. And that's basically, what do you need, Lee? I need a thousand bucks. All right, Lee, here's the deal. I'm going to give you a thousand bucks. I like you, Lee. You don't give me 150 a week until you pay me the thousand. So 150, you give me a week. It doesn't go against a thousand, Lee. So it's not a 50. When you give me the whole thousand, that's when you start paying me 150 a week. Think about that, Lee. So wait, so you're saying that if you paid 150, that's just so you wouldn't get beat up? Like you have to then also pay a thousand? That's the juice. You're my friend. Give me 100 a week.

So it wasn't paying it down. It was just... So if you give me 200, then you owe me 900. You got to give me 3% of that every week. If you give me 400 the next week, you still got to give me three points of $60, $600. So it keeps going. Were your parents like, fucking, maybe it's just because I'm a Jew, but just the thought of having a worry every day, were they like stressed out all the time? Yeah, that's high level. It's street, it's the street. Especially like, you know, I was born in 84. They attacked Youngstown because it was it's always been a headquarters. It's between Chicago and New York City. So back in the day, all the gangsters would meet in Youngstown. Al Capone at a headquarters there, the Naples.

I mean, you can look on, I can't believe there's not like a fucking huge movie about it yet. There was a movie that was put together of Rome, New York. Rome, New York is the same thing. For like four years in a row, they had the most murders in Rome, New York. In the 70s, it was a mafia neighborhood. Rock Springs, Wyoming, another mob run neighborhood by Vegas. Like, I went to do comedy. That's, and I, I seen the report on 60 minutes. I'm like, the mafia, Rock Springs, Wyoming, what the hell are you saying? Yep. And then when I got there, like, are you fucking kidding me? They're everywhere. All these pizza paulers and rock springs. Yeah, we think they're doing out of here. Now, does the mafia still exist? Cause I lived in the

North, the Italian section of Boston for two years. And there were these guys that would walk around with dress pants and, and no shirt with huge tattoos on their back. And I lived on the street with the cheese guy who got put in jail for racketeering. Like, I don't think it was even that big, but like it, it, when you see the movies, you're like, this doesn't exist. And he like, it doesn't, does it still exist? It exists. It exists. Jesus. But it's not in the level it was 30 years ago. It's not in the level of 12 million a fucking year. John Gotti was making 12 million a year, 12 million a year off the percentage of other people. Construction, you know, 12 million fucking dollars a year. You're lucky. You know what it is to wake up every Monday and know that

you don't know what's going to happen. You don't even know your wife and your kid are on the couch when you leave. And you have no idea whether you're even going to come back at five, because they might be the day you might get, you might get arrested. You're at a bar, you fucking pull over a truck, you know, you have 50 microwave ovens, you got to sign every day is a different story when you're out there. One day it might be microwave ovens. The next day Tony might go to the store tonight and find the wall of a credit card. We got to go bang that out. It's not holidays. You know, we come over here, Lee, what do you want for that computer? I'll buy, I'll give you 800s, 2000 brand new, boom, we'll be here five with the fucking computer. I'd say that's four

bills a piece. Then we go out and get some mouse, then somebody comes with a kilo of blow, you sell that. Then somebody wants to put a bet in your fight. You know, it's just a nightmare. You're known for something. His household was a little bit crazy. No, no, no, no, no, no. My mom had the numbers and she had the bar. And that's where she kept it. She knew people involved in drugs. And since she had the bar and people drank and people did drugs, it was around us. My mother didn't get into the drugs again till the bar closed in 78. And that was the big transition. The Cubans came in in 79. She died way before the Cubans came in in 79. But 78 Cubans were bringing and coked in New York City by this time. Not the Cuban Cubans, the Miami Cubans. So I would wake up,

like a friend of mine when I was in New Orleans, lives down there, and he gave me one of those coffee bags. You know, those gold bags, those knit bags, I don't know what the fuck you call them. And he goes, it's an inside joke. And I didn't understand. He goes, remember when we were kids and you took me to your basement, and you showed me the bales of weed and coke that your mother had hidden downstairs. Because in those days, people would pay rent. So I come over here and say, hey, yo, Lee, do me a favor, put three kilos in your room, put your rent here. 2000 a month, I give you 2000 a month every month. Wow, that's how that works. That's how that works. Wow. Same thing with cash. I might come to you and go, Lee, I don't want nobody in this room. Paula, Ashley,

I'm going to give you two grand a month, but there's going to be a half a million here. If I come in here and there's a half, and there's a dollar missing, I'm going to shoot you. So you tell me if you want Paula or Ashley or anybody else here, Joe Diaz here. And it's cool. Fuck it, he pays my rent. He has a safe in here. He only comes over here once a month because they don't want to attract heat over here. Can't imagine the stress that would go, like just thinking about that stresses me out. Do you ever talk to your dad about it? Is he still involved? I don't know if he knows about it or not. No. And that's why I can talk about it because they destroyed it in Youngstown. They pinpointed Youngstown. They're like, if we take care of it here,

it's going to hit them hard. And it did. And they basically eliminated it completely in the mid-90s. And yes, it was very stressful. Towards the end of it all, it's not as glamorous as it seems. It's not like that part in the movies. At least it wasn't for my family. It wasn't like we had some crazy house and people are walking in in pink in mink jackets and driving pink Cadillacs. It wasn't like that. I mean, I lived on the most hood street, the most dangerous corner of one of the most dangerous cities in the country. And I'd come home at times and our house got broken into because some dumb young gangsters, I mean, then black gangs took over and they didn't know whose house they were robbing. You know what I mean? So you'd come home sometimes

your Nintendo's gone. I mean, you're crying. You're scared. You're afraid when you wake up in the middle of the night that somebody's standing over your bed. So there's a lot of stress with that, with the location. And there's a lot of stress. Her business got destroyed. I mean, imagine if, you know, you're a, I don't know, what just went under, I don't know, like a U.S. Postal Service person right now is probably pretty concerned or whatever. I guess there's probably better examples. But if you're watching your industry disappear in front of your eyes and you're like, fuck, the FBI is on it. So I watched that dissipate. So there was definitely a lot of times where we were struggling for money. I remember being stressed with my mom, seeing my

mom stressed. And also, you know, her being worried about cops and stuff, phone taps, we were all hearing about it. They were covering it in the news and stuff. So it got, it hit close to home. So yeah, it wasn't all glamour, you know, I was lucky to be able to have a new pair of Nikes when I was a kid. It's amazing how television and movies make the life very glamorous. Yeah. Yeah. And you asked the question Lee, the mafia still exists. You take the kids I grew up with. They're still involved in it. But they're also involved in trucking or they have a used car lot. And there's no more social clubs. You know, they're not on the street out there with $2,000 suits, hugging each other with pinky rings, no more. Because you can't you get eaten up. Now the mafia exists,

but you got to be partners with the Armenians. And you better be partners with the Russians. And you got to do something with the fucking yams. And you got to do something with the fucking Colombians. And that's the only way you're going to exist now. That shit that now we grow Italians and that shit don't fucking cut it no more. That's that shit don't cut it no more. Yeah, and there's people out there. I can't even I'm high, but I just even if I can't imagine I grew up in the whitest town. And my parents moved in before I got like as nice as it was, but it's still like upper high upper middle class, high town, rich town, kids had BMWs, like the parents were doctors. And I just can't as much as I like I understand what you're saying. I can't and no matter how

careful you are, Tony Hinchcliffe, if he was in numbers right now, how old are you not down 29? 29. So he probably just take me taking the second pinch. He probably go four or five years come out. Now you come out, you got wings on the streets. Now you come out and adjust. And now somebody gives you a position. They know you're not a bad person. Now they give you a position, you can make some money. You can make some money yourself. You get a gun, you've loan money. You take numbers, there's always sports betting, you know, it's amazing how quick you get on your feet. And if you watch the right people and you do the right thing, you can make fucking money. I know people I went to high school with that today are still dabbling in cocaine 30 years later.

They probably got popped 20 years ago, they did a year or so they came out. Now they know exactly how to do it to go to one person. Like if I had one customer that bought a kilo a month for me, that's 10,000 a month. That's $120,000 a year. You know what I'm saying? As your fucking little part time gig. And this guy's cool. He takes it to the right people because remember, you could be as careful as you can. You don't know what the guy you're giving it to is going to do. He might get in the car and make a fucking U-turn right in front of a cop. You're pulled over and the dog snips the fucking blow and there you are, where you come from. I came from fucking over here on Beverly Boulevard. You're done. There's so many fucking things. I saw my mom. I saw my mom take

two pinches that killed her and they had none to do with her. One pinch in the 70s at her bar. This is why the bar closed because a guy called Pangiowa, they called this guy bread and water. That's how cold blood this Puerto Rican guy was. He ran shit out of Elizabeth, New Jersey, but he would always go to my mother's bar. My mother had three different phones. She had the pay phone in the corner, the phone behind the bar, the phone in the office. So but the phone, the pay phone, you could answer it behind the bar. That's illegal. The guy called to do a drug deal. They taped it so they closed the bar. They arrested my mother because it was her bar. It still made the papers and it still went against her liquor license.

She didn't recover from that. She didn't recover from that one. That one hurt him. They had just killed that Cuban cop. They bullet-ridden that fucking Cuban cop that was shaking that. So all these things that happened and people looking at the bar, when they killed that Cuban cop, they went to all the Cuban bars and said, guys, a Cuban fucking cop got shot a thousand times. It was one of you eight fucking bars. We don't know who it is, but we know it's one of you eight guys. Then the fucking second thing with the drug, then she took another bust. She took another bust for something when I was when she was still alive and I was big. I can't remember what the fuck it was for. It was either for numbers, but see, here's the deal with numbers. This is

how corrupt in New York it was. Numbers, all the banks are in New York City. People sport gamble and do numbers gambling in New Jersey, but if they go over the river, it's a misdemeanor. Did you know that? In New York? In New York City, gambling is a misdemeanor. The first two or three times, you have to look it up, especially numbers. It's a misdemeanor. So they give you a ticket. Is the only reason it's illegal because they don't they rather have people going to the real lottery? Like, I don't really see a real reason why it's illegal. There's somebody in New York, somebody that they went to New York in the 50s said, listen, help us out. Make the fucking laws for bookmaking go away and we'll give you a piece of our fucking action. So this guy went in front

of 12 guys and go, let's worry about rape and drugs. Who cares about bookmaking? In the 50s, it's documented, the cops were, I remember being in the 70s, my mom, I remember the cops would come into the numbers operation. And my mom would go up and give the guy a hug and give him an envelope and the guy would leave and the little giggle, ha, ha, ha, ha, the normal, what do you think about the metal? They suck, fuck you, Charlie. And I'm like, you talking to cops? They're all pieces of shit. They take money on the fucking thing. But she used to tell me in those days that, what the fuck was I going to tell you guys? It was different when cops shook you down. It wasn't the way, you know, I don't even think cops shake you down though. Did you see the video

they did of what they're doing in New York City? What was on Twitter the other day? They have this thing called stop and frisk or something in New York. And it's literally something, Bloomberg talked about it. They want people, anyone who looks suspicious, they just stop and they frisk them. And like, they have quotas for it in New York, like you have to do a certain amount or the cops get in trouble. And this kid tape recorded just the audio of it happening. And he was just walking and two cops came in, like beat him up a little bit. And it was like, it was crazy. It's called stop and frisk. It's like a whole program in New York. How would you react to that? Would you be able to keep your cool to guys to start frisking you? You're walking down a street. Right. But

it doesn't bother you that guys are patting you down all of a sudden. I heard things about New York that would torment you people. After 9 11, they took to they took New York seriously. They took New York seriously. The kid that's in the witness relocation plan, what's his name? Salo Bots was saying they have something now. You can't rob a bank in New York. You can't do nothing like that in New York because they have color stuff. The cameras take pictures of it. And they'll heat you and they'll know exactly where the fuck. I don't know all these scientific terms. I just know that they got New York wired. I know for a fact they got my hometown wired. If there's something happening, the cops will be there because they got the whole time on monitor,

on camera. I know people who work in the camera room. That's what they call them. So all the hot areas in North Bergen, they got cameras on. You're being watched at all fucking times right now. That's what happened after 9 11. But I don't want you to think it's because of 9 11. You're being watched the whole time. They've been listening to your phone calls the whole time. You know what this thing in front of us is? This is communism. We don't know it. We think it's entertainment. That little dot there on the little thing. They can turn that on you. All this shit here. They fucking watch you. This is how they know your thoughts. This is how you know how you're into. This is all programmed into a computer somewhere. What do I care now? It's too late.

Yeah. Too late. I read an article last night that Facebook, like let's say you go to write a status but you delete it. You don't even write it. You don't even hit post. They keep blogs of everything you type on Facebook. Yeah, that's it. You're done. Wow. That's all for you for later. That's all. In case you stab somebody, they're going to go to your Facebook and go 2013. You wrote you were going to stab a Puerto Rican in the neck. It's amazing. You know, for years they said, well, fucking, when you talked and you said the word eight ball or bomb, a computer would go on and tape your conversation. Well, you used to get noted letters, didn't you? Like if you talked to somebody on a federal wiretap. Some of my friends in Jersey, I used to get letters and

shit. Some guy told me to bring it to the Rogan podcast and I brought it up there one time that I was on wire because whenever you're on a wire and you're not guilty, they have to send you a thing to let you know that you're on that wire. So let's say you call Lee to talk about computers. Lee's a heroin salesman. You don't fucking know that. You just know that Lee fixes computers and you come over and have a conversation with him. After they indict him, they'll send you a letter going, hey, by the way, fuck up that conversation. You had about big titties and he danced with your wife. He's on it and shit like that. So it's, it's, it's, uh, you ask the question before Lee is really interesting. When I left New Jersey in April of 83,

when I got to Snowmass Village, I asked the kid how much he wanted for rent. This is no lie. And he goes, you keep the upstairs bedroom. It's got a little furniture in there with the, when the kid comes back in California, you have to sleep on the couch until he comes back, clean the room. It's your room. Give me 500 a month. It was four bedroom house in Snowmass Village. Do you know what I did the first three weeks? What? I slept 18 hours a day. And I wish I was lying to you guys. How well do you know me? Do I sleep fucking even close to 18 hours a day? I don't think you do that in the week now. But the stress level I was living, you asked Tony. Yeah. The way I was running, you could feel it. When I told you when I was eight, when I was 21,

I used to wipe my ass and chunks of blood would come out and I had an ulcer in my stomach. That was all part of that. When I was eight, 19, I left Colorado and I left New Jersey, because I didn't notice the stress level. When you're running and gunning, forget comedy. Comedy is nothing compared to when you're running and gunning. When I mean running and gunning is every Monday, it starts from the top. Comedy is very similar to that. Because you might have fucking got a standing ovation in Alabama on Saturday, but Sunday is a whole different fucking day. So true. So yes, you're very interested today in saying that, that there are two fucking sides to the comedy and the criminality. The stress level

that I handled on the street is nothing. Exactly. Nothing. What I mean on a Monday, when me and Tony have, all right, so it's this Monday, the 23rd. I got a girlfriend. This is how I would think. It's Monday, the 23rd. I got a girlfriend. I got Tony who feeds me. I got this guy who feeds me. Let me stand in this couch. Let me borrow money. I got to get these two fucking hookos fucking coke. I got to get them a present. I got to get my girlfriend a present and take her out. I got to buy new clothes on the 24th, because you can't dress with your street clothes. So all this goes in. I got to have money to go to Tony Hintzclisses and drink and have coke. So you make a budget in your head,

1600. If I told you on Monday that you had made 1600 by Friday Lee without editing, I would have no idea how to do it. Well, you do it. And guess what? You go for 1600 and you come up with 1150. But 1150 and what would that compose of Monday morning I get up and he says to me, do I got a new fucking client for you? He's going to bet $20,000 in three days. That's 20% to me. That's a lot this guy in. You come to me and go, yo, I got an ounce of coke. I need somebody to help me with it. My buddy owed me $10,000. This is what he gave me. Let's cut that motherfucker up and sling it for Lee. Whatever. Some other guy comes up to me and says, dog, I got 20 fucking air conditions in the truck.

Need to help me fucking sell them. And at the end of the week, it all washes out, Lee. I think it's the stress. The stress. Think of living your life life. But also another another thing that I just thought of that I think is interesting and probably is a connection is the fear. Like you lose the fear of people and to be able to do stand up like you have to, you know, you can't be afraid of what their reaction might be or else you're already losing. So what's interesting is that because I feel like I'm not afraid of people, you know, I don't mind walking in the dark down a dark alley out here. I'm used to the absolute most dangerous stuff you can imagine. Because I think in that I know you're probably not an

afraid guy. And the other people I, you know, I think a part of a certain type of comedian, which is really the grinder and all that is that you can't be, you can't be intimidated by people. I can't be. I am afraid. But I know the bottom when I used to live in the Bronx, my mom had it. I'm sorry. That's a terrible fart. When my mom lived in the Bronx, we had to drive me there in the Bronx. Those kids were rough and tough up there. And I had to compose myself a certain way. I remember that on my shoulders, I couldn't be a kid. Even though I was four, I had access. It's like National Geographic. You got to fuck and get the shoulders out, you know, you know, pop up your arm. That's one thing about comedy that when you walk out, you got to attack them.

Yeah. I don't have that time set to fuck around, dilly-dally, and then come at them and check my timing and what language they like or they don't like. So it's the street dictates that part. The body language, if you're fucking dead, you're dying inside. You got $2,000 that don't belong to you. You got to walk up three fucking floors. Okay. You got to walk up three floors and those three floors like the house of harvest. That's why I don't go to fucking Halloween houses, because I lived it. Who's going to pop up? Who's not going to pop up? You got to walk up those fucking stairs. I am kind of glad I went to school in downtown Boston. Because I'm not nervous. Like you were saying, I'm not nervous in cities.

And I spent six months in Israel and people were like, weren't you scared? And it's like, you just figure out where you're supposed to go and where you're not supposed to go. It's common sense, really, but a lot of people don't have it. This life is all common sense. Sometimes I see women at 21 and you want to go up to them and smack them right in the fucking face because you don't want to listen. You got hot pants on, you got a white t-shirt on, you got no shoes on, and you're talking to a car full of four fucking black guys. Okay. You're in no danger of making out of that situation. That's a Tupac video right there. And they're not going to kill you, but they're going to fuck this shit out of you and

stretch out your asshole. You don't need that situation. Go back inside and get a lollipop and rent fucking a dog who saved Halloween. You see people. I see it sometimes. You see it that you cannot be that fucking stupid. That age group, guys and girls, there's something about like 18 to 24. I got it, yeah. You just see that they're making mistakes. Yeah, it's amazing that at 18 I already felt like a 25 year old man. Right. Not because I was bigger in battle because I had to. Yeah. And the line of business that I was in at that point, my body, my head, I didn't think like I could never imagine wearing a football jersey. I can't imagine ever wearing a giant jersey when I was 18. I was beyond that. I was gone from that

already. At 18, sports, that was out of my mind. I only cared about sports for one thing. Money. Money. How are we going to make a living off the fucking joints? You know, it's amazing how I got desensitized when I figured out that they might be booked. They might be fake. You know what, I don't have time to think about this. Let's just, I don't have time to even watch this shit. I like some shit. Some shit I can't throw my life away for. It's the weirdest thing. But that's why I think that fucked me up towards sports, was the sports gambling, because I saw it for what it was. I saw it for what it was, you know. And I felt they give you the fucking injury reports. They give you fucking everything for football. What do you think we do

football for? Now they have Thursday games. What do you think they just invent? Right. Because we like football. And you know, fantasy football is a disguise. That's a disguise. I don't know nothing about that. You know, I don't know anything about fantasy football. Well, that's what you actually know everything about it. No, do I want to know? Don't do how fucking funny is that? I don't need to know about fantasy football. Because your history of knowing, of having to, they put so much of that out there. I mean, you can get day to day reports on injuries now because of the internet to where back then, you know, unless you knew the trainer, right? You didn't know shit. You didn't have anything. It's so hard to gamble now in so many ways. But that's it, Lee. Your stress level.

You know, we were having a situation here with Ford. I don't know if you want to talk about it or not, but we'll talk about it. About you were chosen to be on a show. And all of a sudden, a week before the show, they tell you to go fuck yourself. Well, not exactly that. They wanted me on the guy who the host host. Yeah. Yeah. But the network didn't want you on the show. And then you sit there and you go to yourself. This is the same disappointment when you bet the Knicks for $2,000 because your kid needs braces. Yeah. And the Knicks lose. You follow, especially when they're supposed to win, especially when they're supposed to win. So it's little things like like I remember one time, guys, it was probably February of 83. And guys, I was out there. I was out there. And I

went to fucking pay this bookie. And I noticed that he opened up his linen closet. And his linen closet was a cash register. You know what I'm trying to say to you? Yeah. So you know, linen is put like that to the bottom of singles. Wow. The middle of five on shelves. 2050s, 100s. Awesome closet. And the hundreds have like a stack like this big, which is 10,000. And I'm sitting there. I'm giving him his money. And I'm like, this guy's going down. I mean, I couldn't even focus on how bad this guy was going to get killed. And if I had a weapon right there, I would have killed the guy. His little half a fat bodyguard was with him. I left there and I go, I'm going to rob this guy to make a long story short. I worked at it for two, three weeks. Was that the way through

sandwiches to the dog? And I had people going, Tony, do me a favor. What do I owe you? Six? Be at Joe Marry's at 10. I'm going to give you a 10 because you're my brother because you waited for the six and you never busted my balls. I had four people waiting up there like that, drinking, celebrating. Joey's bringing us our money tonight. It's going to be great. I was buying a kilo. What I saw in that closet was 50 grand easy. Even if he paid out three quarters of it, I was still getting 10 fucking grand. I'm fucking sad, ain't I? I went there and there was no, I didn't get it. That's like going for an audition to tell you, you got it. They show it to you. And it hurts. And it hurts for a couple of days. But you're so far in the game.

And I ripped my hand open robbing. I mean, it was so I still have a scar from the fucking mishap that I look at it once a week and I'm like a fucking motherfucker. And the connection is not far because just like with that, I'm sure like the next couple things that you did after that, you're sort of like getting back into it. You know what I mean? I mean, it's probably the next day, but it does, it messes with your confidence and it does in comedy too. Like I do this every, I go, my whole thing is I do stand up because I love it. So I do it every single night, normally twice a night, whatever, blah, blah, blah. I love it. So I'm doing it seven nights a week. That's just how I'm doing it right now. I'm not saying I'm always

going to be that way. But anyway, that's seven nights a week. You get instant, you know what I mean? Like you, but for example, when I didn't get that thing, even though I do it every night, next two or three nights, the sets were just because I'm just grossed out because it's a blow to a, it's a blow for a couple of days. But that goes to show you, you do it once every few weeks or whatever, you know, then you take that with you or your healed, but, but it's fun. It's interesting to see that connection between the two because you're sharper the next time you go out, you know, but I bet when to get Joey's age, because I know Joey at this point, it wouldn't affect him as much only. So like for me, I'll put it in a way that people listening might understand a little more.

I went, after I got my first job in LA, took me a year and a half and I went about 20 job interviews until I got my next job because you still don't have a lot of experience. The first job interview I didn't get, it like sucked and I got depressed and stuff, but after 20 job interviews and not getting them, it doesn't hurt as much because you know you're going to get a job eventually. So it's, it must be, it's interesting seeing you and like you were going to make your TV debut on that. So you're excited, you're telling people, Joey, you've been on stuff and you're like, well, I'll get on Brooklyn Nine-Nine next week. So who cares? No, no, no, no, it's still, it still hurts you. It doesn't hurt as long. It doesn't hurt as long or as fast. I went in on a Monday, forget

shorty the sequel. They called me back on Tuesday. Wednesday, I went in red with fucking Travolta. Thursday, I went in red with Travolta and the little guy and the fucking casting director, Sheila Jaffe. When I got home, there was a call from the agent. They want to see 11 o'clock. It was December 18th, it was a Friday. It was like December 23rd, one of those were Tuesday, it's Christmas, like the following week was Tuesday. I thought I was going to fucking get it. That was my Christmas present, because I was getting dressed, putting my warm-up suit on. I picked up the fucking phone, it was my agent. They hired somebody out of New York the night before, as I was getting in my fucking car, guys. I got a thousand of those. Thousands of those.

Getting flown to LA, the audition for a show, killing at the Laugh Factory, getting flown in again, killing again, moving down here, them seeing you again, again, again, and then telling you, no, we're not going to have you. And then the weekend of the festival, they had the dirty show to really kill me and didn't invite me to that. So that whole time you made me work clean, now you had a dirty show and you don't call me in for that. There's been mishaps. That's what makes you tougher. That's what makes you tougher than after a while. But all of those, they are stinging. Oh, yeah. They are fucking stinging. I've been showcasing for the same thing for the last five years. I was telling Tony I'm away up here. I don't have an agent. I have a mediocre agent.

I'm on a fucking trailer, Grudgematch. I'm not blowing my own horn here. I'm just telling you the reality of it. From the coffee shop that we met at to here, there was at least two Grudgematch culprits who was cracking me up. I'm following behind them. I'm like, I wonder if he's taken me on this path on purpose because he knows the billboards. No, I have an exceptional fucking resume for acting. All right, you don't want like my stand up. Sign me for acting. Send me off for pilots. It's the way it is. And it fucks with you. But you know where it's coming from. Hey, bro, I just did two things for County Central. This is what's not happening. Okay, they love me. They don't love me. They want me to go to New York to do this other thing.

I never hear back. Next thing I know, David Tal was doing an R-rated show. I didn't even get invited to the dance. There's nothing you can do about it. It's just part of the game. It just toughens you up. But this is what makes certain people crack. See other people by now after the third blow, they're out of this. Well my sister's sick in Connecticut. I'm going to go watch her for a while. It's your way out, brother. Stop it. Cut it out. And I understand. This is tough. The same for everybody. This is this is fucking torture. Yeah, I'm going back to Youngstown this weekend for the first time in five years. Five years I've been away from my hometown. My whole family's there. Going there this weekend because I'm in the game, you know what I mean? And maybe I'd still be in

the game if I took vacations and went and hung out. But the only reason I'm going back is because I got it. I got the gig there. You know, I got that weekend in at that comedy club. But if it wasn't for that, you know, exactly. So the guy that used to be the manager of that comedy club used to be the manager in a club called Sanford & Sons in Kansas City. If this is the same guy, by now I don't think he is. He was a fucking mess. And when I call you a fucking mess, you're a fucking mess, okay? At this time of this story, I was a fucking mess. So I do law and order SVU. I can't work Tuesday night. I get in the night, late night Tuesday, in for radio Wednesday morning. I fly from New York City to Kansas City to do

Stanford's. As I pull in to baggage claim, I don't know where my ride is. I'm waiting by the fucking thing for my luggage. And I see a car pull up and a cop behind it. And I see a chick and a guy and that's Grandma. And finally I see the guy talking to the guy. And the guy walks in to me and goes, how are you doing? And he's fucking joy. How are you doing? My name is whatever from the club. I'm here to pick you up. Tell me you got a driver's license on you. I go, yeah, he goes, good. You're going to drive home. But he's fucking worried. I come out, show the cop my driver, and he goes, all right, you could drive home. I drive fucking home. Him and the girl in the back joying up a storm. You can't sweat. You can't find a go dog. You got a little piece for me. And

they're like, what are you talking about? I go, piece of that fucking rock that you motherfuckers were doing. Give me a taste. And they're like, we don't do cocaine. I pull that fucking car. I'll take I'll do a fucking U turn and leave you right back with the cop. Give me a package. They're like, okay, wait till we get back to the car. Are you thinking I'm fucking kidding? I've been sitting on a plane all fucking days shooting law. No, that's for you in the cold weather. I demand a taste, motherfucker. That's the club that was so crazy that he gave me the package the first night and he goes, listen, whatever you do, don't do blow with the waitresses, especially that one. And what do you think I did? I went and did blow with the waitresses,

especially that one. She used to get so horny, she was 20 with a baby already. She already had two year old at 20. And she was hotter than fuck. I gave this bitch two old Coke bumps. That bitch was dry humping that fucking, that chair, the bar chair. I took her back to the hotel. I had no condom, but I eat the fuck. I had a hairy little monster. I put Coke rocks in the pussy. I loved it. You care about not having a condom? What's that? You wouldn't do it if you didn't have a condom? No, you don't want to fuck some chicken on the road out of condom. What do I got? You don't know what she don't want what I got. I don't want what she got. She just had a baby. You know, it comes out of that fucking monster when a baby comes out. That's all lava juice and

fucking. You smell that fire. It's tremendous. You smell it. You want to blow it? It's too hot to smell it. So no, I just, I don't have a condom. I just eat that fucking monk walk. Wow. That's an interesting approach. Why the fuck? It's so what I get. A little smite throat gets soft on Tuesday. That's how you get, that's how you probably got that voice. You probably, you just sound like me. You just eat enough pussy all of a sudden. You eat that fucking monkey and you turn them over and eat that ass and it disinfects the throat and you're back. And you're listerine, little gargle and your back cock suckers. Then you go breathing her fucking face with that listerine ass breath and you fucking tell her your love. I love you. How you motherfuckers doing

out there in podcast land, you motherfuckers, eight more fucking days to Christmas. I hope you have a great Christmas. And don't forget to go to honet.com for all your vitamin choices and health choices. When I tell you on it, I was talking to Arbery yesterday and we had a great talk about the shit he's got coming out next year and what on it and what, listen, let me tell you something. This guy cares about your people. The customer satisfaction is great. The customer service is great. The products are great. I'm doing a lot better than jiu-jitsu. I got my first fucking stripe because of that fucking shroom tech because it gave me more oxygen to breathe. Go on that shroom tech. The alpha brain sharpens you up. The hemp fucking force sharpens you up.

The fucking 180. They're back stronger than ever. If you're going to fly over the holidays, go to honet.com. Go to joeydeers.net. Go to the honet box, press in CH. You are CH. Get 10% off plus whatever else they got going on. Get the emails. My discount, don't count for fucking weights or gorilla bells or fucking ropes and shit. You got to do that on the fucking full arm. My fucking little name church, get your little percentage of the action on your vitamins and minerals. They got stevia. They got fucking everything. Go to honet.com. I wouldn't blow smoke up your fucking ass. They make a great product. I feel a lot better. I take those fucking alpha brains before I fly. I fucking feel like a soldier. Come on, I take these early

flights. You don't see me coughing or sneezing or nothing. I just got a couple pubic hairs flapping in my throat like a fucking windsock. Besides that. What's up, Tony Hincliffe? You bad motherfuckers. This is some of the least I had. Let me give some people some fucking shout-outs here. How about Bobby Passman, you bad motherfucker? Armani Prescott. Stefan Quayle. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about at this time, but I like it. Kevin Cross, who's better than you? Lady J, you fucking big titted bitch. I love you. And Nick Pampa, stay black, cocksucker. And don't forget December 31st. It's not only New Year's. It's my CD release party and New Year's. At John Lovitt's party starts at 8. You're out of that

10, 15. You go home and fuck your wife in the ass without a condom. And that's the way it works out. You understand? If you want to do blow, you can put whatever you put a coke rock in between a tits and rub them. Then you tit-fuck them and your dick is numb for eight hours. The CD's called. You can't eat pussy with asthma. You can't eat pussy with asthma on iTunes. Pre-order it today. Let's start the fucking New Year number one. Show these motherfuckers who's got the church of what happens now. Fucking brigade behind them. You understand? We got no fucking glasses. I hope I don't make something from my eyesight because that's fucking going by the debt. Life is good. I need to get you on my podcast. I can't go to the store on a Monday night though,

so we have to do it off the premise. Not even the belly room? Just you could go right up that side stairway in a crazy turn of events. You were like the Pittsburgh Steelers all week. You were awake about Monday. Look at the paper and you love the Pittsburgh Steelers on Monday. You go look at the fucking line. Pittsburgh's gonna kill these motherfuckers. And Tuesday you like them even more. Wednesday the line hasn't changed in Thursday. You know it. You know it. You'd never fucking like somebody this much, but you have a feeling the big game is Dallas Giants. Everybody will be watching San Francisco play Green Bay, but here's Measley Pittsburgh giving two and a half points of these fucking bums and what happens to your Saturday morning. Some loser friend of yours

calls you and tell you how the quarterback for that team is sensational. He's gonna throw a dart. He's been on a roll and all of a sudden Pittsburgh wins 24-nothing. You lost money. How bad do you feel? Really bad. That's why you never go against your fucking commitment. You never go against your first flame. I walked out of the store on November 8th, 2007. I can't go back in there. It's been nothing but good for me. November 2007? That's when I walked out of there. Really? I was there. I must have just... It got good for me and I can't go back in there. And I love the storm. I'm the man at the store. When I do, when I stick by something, that's the way you stick by something. I love to be able to go in there and ha ha and he he, but I can't. I can't let myself

do it at this point in my life. You know, a lot of you guys don't want sons of anarchy. I know you don't watch it. You're out on Tuesday nights killing the bitch. I know Lee doesn't watch it. And I watch the season finale. It's amazing how much you learn. How much, whether you, when you're doing comedy, eight years or 10 years, you think you're a good writer. It ain't shit to win your 20 years. And then you start seeing it. Well, this year, I always talk to Di Agostino the day after sons of anarchy. It's the only show I watch. It's a stupid fucking show. You don't watch Breaking Bad? Well, it was on. Oh, okay. Just making sure. And it's really weird how this season wasn't the best season ever. It really wasn't. I watched it because it's what I do on Tuesday nights. I get

high. It's part of my patrol. I leave Thursdays. So I stay home with the wife. This last week's was fucking amazing. Because you could see how now I got why they did that episode three. And that's writing. That's they just don't write like fucking Puerto Ricans. They're fucking writing. But there was a part in that that really, I didn't watch it because my wife and the baby were in the room. And she came out and said to me, is it worth rewinding? And I go, not really. I just wanted to watch it. But the next day, the baby went to sleep and I watched it earlier than morning. I got six. And I was blown away. And it was plain and fucking simple. The DA goes to visit Jax, the beginning of the episode. And this is a true story. This is the same thing that happened to me one

day. At the beginning of the episode, she goes to visit him at the candy shop. And she goes, can I talk to you about some of these since down? And she goes, they come a time in your life, when you have to respect, you have to, you have to accept responsibility. And you have to put it on yourself. And she goes, because if you don't do that, it's gonna fucking kill everything you love. It really is. And she looks on and she goes, before all this president and biker and tough guy, and whatever you do as an art before all this, you're a fucking man. And you got to own your space. And she got up and walked away. And he had a tear in his eye. And that's the same thing I thought the day I started rolling. You know, it just wasn't working out for me at the store. I had a fat

ball removed from my neck. And I swear to God, I'm superstitious as fuck. I come from a gambling house. So he thought it had something to do with that place, the stress, the energy, something like that. I had the longest yard. And I remember how people come up to me and say, we're proud of you. And you know how people are when you turn their back to go fuck this cocaine. And I remember this guy, John Cardinale, one day he said to me, the reason why you're funny is because you do cocaine go on stage. If you've ever done coke, it doesn't make you fucking funny. But I knew the general feeling. The general feeling was that, especially when I got the longest yard, half the people felt I got it because of Joe Rogan. Half the people came up to me and

congratulated me, but really didn't mean it. And half the people just fucking jerk off. So when they took that fat ball out, and I remember looking at it, still in the anesthesia, I remember looking at this yellow thing, plus with blood on it and fat, and coke fucking rocks. I remember thinking that's the comedy store. And right there was when I started getting less and less about the comedy store. And three weeks later, that went down with Joe and Carlos. Then a couple weeks later, something else went on. And then I started going up there less and less. And I told this story a thousand times. Caperulo came up to me and said, tell your buddy that it's not going to be like that no more. Him and him and the fucking manager came up to me and like, when Joe Rogan

comes back from that tour, no more 45 minute sets. And I knew what direction it was going. Then the stuff with Carlos went down. And Joe's hardheaded. You can't tell Joe something. I went to Joe and I said, bro, stop going down there. He wanted everybody wants an explanation. Well, I come from, I look at you in the eye and I go, Tony, don't go down there no more. But Joe, what did I just tell you? Because you know how it is in our neighborhood. Don't go down there. And then when you go down and you get your head busted, you come to me, I'm going to go, what did I tell you? What the fuck did I tell you? Don't come to me now. And we don't need to tell you why. When I look at you and go, stay right there. That means stay right there. Don't fucking

move. I'm telling you, don't fucking make a move. So there's people that are embraced like that. And it's very hard. Then they come back and go, but bro, you didn't explain it to me. I didn't have to explain it to you. I'm your brother. I love you. If I tell you, don't go over there. It's dropped. It's dropped. That's why we're so good at taking direction now. You give me, you give us a good director, right? That's it. That's it. In two weeks, when the place burns down, you'll come to me and go, thank you. Thank you, bro. Well, I tell you, don't even go down it. So it all went down. And one day I just decided, especially after Maryland, it all went down. And now that went, it's so funny because when I got off the coke was when I decided that was it,

that I wasn't taking shit from these people no more. I wasn't taking those dumb answers from Comedy Central no more. I wasn't taking this shit. Everything I was going to do, I was going to do on my own. I was going to control on my own that I wasn't taking shit from nobody no more. I swear to God, that was how I left. How long did you do cocaine at the store the whole time? Like you? Yeah, I was doing coke since 1979. Wow. When I got to the store, it wasn't the store's fault. I'm not one of those pussies. It was already there and it's always going to be there. Right. You know what I'm saying? Weeds always going to be there. What do you think would have been different? What do you think would have, do you think anything would be different? Had you not done like?

If I wouldn't have done coke, I would have understood the game earlier. I wouldn't have been, when you're addicted to anything, you can't focus on what's in front of you. We've talked about this a thousand times now. You know, I see the difference now of having a baby without doing drugs and having a baby when I did drugs. It's two different loves. It's real. This is real. I'm so lucky because my two older brothers were way into cocaine. And since, like I said earlier, they were 12 and 14 years older than me, like I knew because they would mess with me because I knew stuff young. My mom would tell me stuff when I was like 12 and 13. You know, I was like, Hey, this is happening. That's happening. That's why that's happening because of cocaine. So I never tried it because I realized

very young that I've an addictive personality. It always blows my mind to see how like prevalent cocaine is in comedy because it just seems such highs and lows. I can't imagine being able to do that. I mean, listen, bro, I'm already all coffee, cigarettes all day. I barely get one giant meal in, you know what I mean? Because I already found things that, you know, coffee and cigarettes. And you love cigarettes. I tell you every day how bad they are. And you still see if I'm actually off week and a half. No, I know. I did the same thing for years. They could tell you to that blue. Listen, the last thing I ever wanted to do, Tony, was ever put anything up my nose. I dug fucking smoking pot. I could take a pill.

The day I put something up my nose is the day my whole life changed. And that was part of the deal I had to make with myself. Before I'm a comic, before I'm an actor, before I'm a tough guy, before I'm a faggot, I'm a fucking man. And this bullshit about rehab and pills and hugs, this shit's got to end. And this bullshit about this and then excuses, this shit got to end. I go to own up to who the fuck I am. And I got to be a man. It's so funny that the first, my first place I was in a tribe, my manhood was at the comedy store. But once I had to live in my head and I was off Coke for like a week, I said, I'm gonna go up to the comedy store. I'm gonna just see if I can act like a man. And I went up there and it was Marilyn Martinez's wake.

You know, remember who that is? And as I got back there, I saw Jeff Valdez eating the food back there, talking to his friends, laughing and giggling. And I knew that Jeff had helped Marilyn, but Jeff had also Valdez had also tortured Marilyn. And I remember getting up on stage and seeing Jeff Valdez from the corner of my eye and I couldn't even move forward. And that's when I knew I was getting my man back. Because that's how I got my reputation for fucking saying no. Tony Hinge could have stopped right there. Fuck this movie. Fuck this shit. Fuck you, motherfucker. Say something. I'll take this camera and bust it over your fucking head. That's my problem. I'm fucking stupid. And I'm saying whatever the U of G and I look over and I see Jeff Valdez giggling. I go, this is it.

I go, Jeff, do me a favor. I'm going to finish this. I'm going to go get a drink. And when I walk off, I'm going to come in here and if you're still in here, I'm going to knock the fuck out of you, your wife and your attorney. I don't know where that came from. And he started going back and forth with me and I started calling him every fucking name in the book. And I did exactly that. I hadn't been on coke for like seven days. So I was about to kill somebody anyway. But I went in, I got a shot at tequila, which I never really drank tequila. I was just proving my point of who I used to be before I got on the drugs. And that's who I was. I was fucking ruthless. Like I got into a fight. I totally, I'm not allowed at the Laurel King and

farmers market no more because I was sticking up for a security guard a couple of weeks. So these paparazzi were abusing them. And I went in there and I'm old school. If it's me and Tony Hancock, there's eight motherfuckers, Tony, I'm coming in here, but you better start swinging to it. These motherfuckers will both be in the hospital next bed to each other. But they ain't going to take a couple, they'll be a couple of them hit you while I'm here. Okay. And you're not going to hit me while you're here. So let's take two of these motherfuckers out. Let's get them stitched up. Yeah. They're going to be in the hospital cross from us. We're going to wave out. Yeah. So I was going to say, that's so funny. I believe that picture the same thing.

And that's why I believe in you and I believe in me. When I went to that Pramedia and that guys, I was sitting behind fucking dinner. Me, Ari Shafir, my brother, my seventh grade teacher, wow, who I stole his fucking keys in the seventh grade. We became best friends. We're sitting behind dinner. I'm sitting there going, I was just a guy that used to go up at 1235 at the store that nobody paid attention to. Nobody talked to bro. Nobody talked to me. They talked to everybody else and they'd wave at me because they thought I was a psycho because of the drugs or whatever. But ever since I became a man again, is what my career took off, you know, and always keep that in mind. Tony, you're a young guy. They're going to come

blow smoke at you and just remember what I'm telling you those words after it absorbs and go, I'm still a man. I'm not going to take nothing negative from these motherfuckers. I'm still not going to take nothing positive from these motherfuckers because they're blowing smoke up my fucking ass anyway. At the end of the week, when I go to Rowson Bay for groceries, ain't nobody there. Ain't nobody fucking there. You're there by yourself. You don't see Joey there. Let me buy him for you. You go back there and get 10 more lobsters. Nobody's there saying that for you, right? So fuck them all, you know, and that once I put that in my head was when I really got the balls to be a fucking comedian. So I had done comedy 13 years when I grew balls. And that's why

I like this because it's been a growing experience. It always is. And it seems like all the best ones like never stop. How does what like Dom I rara, for example, funny to everybody, you could see him for the first time and I have no idea who he is. You could walk in and not know him from anything. And then all of a sudden, boom, or you could know him and he's destroying with, you know, it's being able to evolve and always wanting to learn and grow is what is something that very few comedians can get away with not having that. People don't people won't keep going and watching your live shows if you if you don't keep people going to stop going to see your live shows. Yeah, you know, you're the cold of the month. That's a reality. That's a reality in life.

But you can't go out thinking that way. You got to go out thinking this is my last fucking show. And I'm going to give them the best show and whether they put me in two weeks and I'm here making fucking 1500 a week or 1200 a week and I got to bring my own plane ticket, I'm still going to give them the best show. If you keep thinking like that, instead of selling out, no matter what age, eventually doors are gonna come knocking. And so what, if you look at dice this year, they were talking about him from Academy Award. 10 years ago, they were throwing them off MTV. Don't matter. They were all going to put bumps in your fucking road. You got to tell them all to suck your dick. All of them. All of them go suck my fucking dick. Yeah. How did Mr. Barone

like the premiere? First of all, he told me he didn't think he was going to really go. He thinks it was all a dream. So, you know, I'm sitting there thinking to myself, what the fuck? I'm no better than nobody else. But then again, nobody's fucking better than me. I'm right there standing with fucking De Niro. You know, when I moved here and somebody would come in that did movies into the store or TV, I thought that automatically made them a better comic. It really didn't. They really didn't. And I never want people to think of that because I do movies, but I'm a fucking good comic and I work at it. And I write and I try to fucking put my heart into it. And at the end of the week, Tony Hinchcliffe, that's the most fucking important thing because he ain't

got heart. You see these motherfuckers that come here for the deal. And they come here to be cute because see it every single week and they lose it three years from now. They gone. They're the big shots in their back in their little hometown somewhere fucking some schnooks on town, telling people how they used to hang out with Charles Bronson. They can suck my dick. We're the ones that are still here. And sometimes I feel down on myself, but I'm 50. I'm still doing stand-up. What would I be doing? Mugging people? What the fuck would I be doing? Selling cars? Well, what do you mean? Why would you be upset? I don't know. Sometimes I feel I should be on to the next level. I should be fucking the TV show fucking doing something stupid or something.

And I'm like, you know what? This is the best job in the fucking world we have. Even podcasting. Just being able to come here and speak your fucking mind once in a week. Right. Not have some doofy person telling you that. Yeah. Tell them to be caught or direct or some assistance giggling. That's hysterical. Then the show gets canceled. These motherfuckers can't even get a laugh at the fucking place. And what's the place in Los Feliz? Oh, UCB? Yeah, UCB. You know, they can't get a laugh at UCB. The fuck out of here. You know what I'm saying?

They're over at UCB trying to crack fucking funny. Suck my fucking dick. Talking about sucking my dick. Hulu plus. If you want to get your dicks up and you bring a chick to your house and you got no fucking cable, no TV, what are you going to do? This is where Hulu plus comes in. I've been telling you motherfuckers, we're going to keep them going even next month. So if you don't want to do it now, do it next month, but I advise you to do it now because you're going to be sitting there through a holiday jingle. How many fucking times can you listen to fucking jingle bells? How many fucking times? So what I'm telling you is go to huluplus.com, go to joeydeers.net, go to the Hulu plus banner, press in Joey in the fucking box. Let me tell you what you get.

You get two weeks on the arm, nothing gratis. And after that, it's $7.99 a month. You know what that's like? That's $96 a fucking year. And you watch all your favorite shows. What's on there? What are you talking about? Fucking family guys on there, the Daily Show. That's what I watch. I watch the Daily Show on there. What else is on there? Tell you along all the SVU, they got original programming. Listen, stop this shit, huluplus.com, offer joeydeers.net. What are you pressing the box? Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, two weeks on the arm, $96 a year. Where are you going to get that fucking shit at? Nowhere. At Hulu Plus. At Hulu fucking Plus. Backslash Joey.

And you bring them over, you watch original programming. You seem very interesting that you know about shit. Guess what? They will suck your dick with pride. All right, they don't have to suck your dick. They're crying. They're unsure. Who needs that aggravation? If you're going to suck it, grab it like a fuck anyway. Don't forget, if you want to eat a pussy and you don't like it, Harry, Dollar Shave Club, bitch. Dollar Shave Club. Let me tell you about this. How long? Three, four fucking months. This is it. This is the last week. Today, tomorrow, and fucking third next Monday. You got Dollar Shave Club after that. You get fucking nothing. Again, what do they press in the box? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Dollar Shave Club under

Joey Diaz. I don't give a fuck what banner you go to. C-H-U-R-C. A dollar a month, $6 a month and $9 a month. You get razors. You get the fucking stems. You get the fucking gorilla juice biscuits. You get aloe on the fucking razor. And I gotta tell you, I go on the road with these fucking razors. Now I double check the showers. Like when I bring the down 99 razors, I'm like, fucking leave it in there. Now I take my fucking Dollar Shave Club razor. Go to joeydias.net. Go to the fucking Dollar Shave Club box. What do they press in the box? Joey. Joey. J-O-E-Y. Get either a dollar a month, $6 a month, or $9 fucking dollars a month. That's a hundred and what a year, $9 a month. Isn't it eight? A hundred and eight. See what I'm

saying? That's how we fucking do it here at the church of what's happened now. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice here? At this time next year, you'll be next time next week, you'll be sitting around with your family right now, eating Christmas, telling each other lies. That's always if you're, I'm going back to school. I'm like, yeah, yeah, bees. Fuck the fuck. Hey, you dumb fuck. You're out there snorting blow. You can pussy with the fuck. Oh my god. Who the fuck? Tony Hinch, because it's that time of the fucking year. Some of these people aren't watching this live because I didn't post it on there. I told you I was going to do it at lunchtime. I know fucking water box. You should have seen water box this morning. Water box. We

gotta have a talk with water box. He's on there. Joey, you're gonna, you're gonna do the podcast because I have to run for the water box. Oh, what the fuck? God fucking. It's five in the morning. You sit there like a soldier at attention. You don't ask me fucking questions. You're the, you're the fucking, you're the voice between me and the world and Twitter. Water box. Water box is the man. He's the man. Water box. Water box. Cleo. We got some badass motherfuckers. Brian O'Shay. We got the whole fucking party here today. We just want Cleo and what's the, do you like? What's the name? I'm too high right now. The Jew who always does the horrible things on Twitter. Jenny Friedman. No, no, the guy. Nelia Samuels. Cleo and Nelia

Samuels called in to me and Agostino's podcast on Thursday. Yeah. Howard Nelius. He was crazy. He was great. He just called to say hi. Nelia Samuels, one of the funniest men on fucking Twitter. All you idiots, you follow the guy from the office and all these half of fucking fags. I haven't said a funny thing the whole fucking life. You follow Nelia Samuels. He's fucking crude. He's real. And he fucking brings it, dog. There's, sometimes I look at his shit and he says some, wow, he takes pictures of himself with his dick, shooting fucking snot and blow and pictures of blow. I love him. I love him too. He's the last of the real fucking Jews. His uncle stabbed Jesus right in the fucking eye. Oh my God. That's a real Jew. I got to roast Gilbert Godfrey a few weeks ago at the Toronto

Dark Comedy Fest and I have one of my jokes on him that I was excited about. My buddy Benji helped me out with this one because it's like three roast jokes in one. But now I've overhyped it, so it's not going to be that funny. But I got the opportunity. You know, I love roast in and that thing. So I got the opportunity to sit up there with Gilbert Godfrey. So anyway, what I said was Gilbert, you're so old, short and Jewish that you needed to use a footstool to drive a nail through Jesus's ankle. It's three insults in one. I love it. Old, short and Jewish. And he was dying. I was looking back at him after each setup because I said it really slow. I go, Gilbert. And he's already like, because he gets into it, you know, he can take it. I go, you're so old and he starts

dying short and Jewish. Like, and it's just like really built up. It was amazing. One of the highlights of my life, goodness, that they make fun of Gilbert Godfrey in front of a theater in Toronto. Poor fucking Gilbert. You know what I'm saying? You're torturing the motherfuckers. What else, lady? What's the story? Tell the people what you want to tell me. Do we want to talk about Christmas yet or not yet? No, you want to talk about it after Christmas. Yeah, you want to talk about it now. So for everyone who wants to come, we're going to see Grudge Match at 720 at the North Hollywood Lemley. If you go to their website, just type in NoHo Lemley. And you can buy the tickets right there. Buy them quick because they only have seven theaters,

so they're not going to add a theater to it. So it's in one theater at 720 North Hollywood Lemley. Come up, we'll have fun. We're going to meet at 630. We're going to fucking smoke dope on Lancashire and blow fucking pot smoke. There's going to be a helicopter over fucking loom. It's going to be the best premiere you've ever been to. And the Flying Jew and myself are going to be there with you to watch the fucking movie. And that's it. That's how we do it. I went to the premiere Monday with all the fucking stars. You know what? This is the only premiere where you motherfuckers are going to be the star. Then December 31st, the CD, you can't eat pussy with fucking asthma, and the pre-release party up there at the fucking John Lovitz. Eight o'clock, you're out of there

by fucking 10 o'clock. You go do whatever the fuck you want. Jump up and down, get drunk, do exercise. I don't give a fuck because I'll be in bed by a quarter to 11, my goddamn self. And the last thing for me, please listen and thank you for listening to Flying Jew Radio. It's a new podcast I've been doing with Agostino. And we have people calling in and we're having our first guest call in tomorrow. So it's great. What's your first guest? I think it's Agostino's sister actually because he found out at the end of the last week that he was homeschooled. I just want to talk to people about that. It's been pretty interesting. Went to homeschool? Huh? No. I thought you got hit in the head with the fucking rules yourself. They still sent me to school.

But yeah, please listen to that. We're going to do it tomorrow at noon on my E-Stream. All right, let's see if we covered everything. We covered the suns, man. That's it. I don't know what else to tell you fucking people. It's a beautiful Wednesday afternoon and you're spending with us. What about you? You have a podcast, Tony, right? Yeah, I'm going to get you on. It's called Kill Tony on Monday nights. Yeah. Is that on E-Stream, Monday nights? It's not live on E-Stream. They can't get the Wi-Fi to work in that haunted concrete building. But you can catch it live. It sells out every single Monday night. We've been filling it up. Monday nights are insane now at the comedy store. It's why I know you're not going to come. It's 8 o'clock and then it's

the Ding Dong show. Yeah, the Ding Dong show comes on at 10. And you just had one of Joey's favorite guys that you had Russell Peters on. I had Russell. I had Jimmy Schubert on. I've had a lot on Doug Benson and Mark Marin at Headline the LA Podfest. It's crazy. You know what happens is I go down to the open mic people because there's an open mic in the OR between seven and eight. They sign up. I go out there when they're all signing up and I make an announcement and I tell them who's on the show and I tell them the concept of the show. They all sign up and if you're in the room or I pull your name out of a bucket you come up and you do one minute of stand-up comedy and me and whoever my two guests are punch it up or try to talk about the premises and what

we would have said. It's just a slaughter fest. It's all laughs because all of a sudden you get to talk to the person. You get to goof around this and that. It teaches you basically how to create great jokes and stand-up comedy sort of. It's like an inside. You get to see your favorite comedian senses of humor by what their input is. It's so much fun on so many different levels. I get so many young comics thanking me. That bit I did is now two minutes long. It's so cool. Thank you. It's very rewarding and people are loving it. It's called Kill Tony. It's on the Dutt Squad Network. You can check out a live show at the Comedy Store on Mondays at 8 p.m. You do a live only. That's a good concept. That's very good. I thought you did it like Tuesdays in the studio

or something. No, it packs up every single one. We had a record 44 comedians sign up on Monday night for the opportunity to do one minute and I only get through about 12 or 13 or 14 or 15 of them. But we have two regular girls that go on at the end of every episode that started there so they do it. She's gone. What podcast does she go to now? I don't know. She's busy. She had a rival podcast. I'm sure she'll figure it out. She's packing it up. She's taking it back to Flappers and told them. Flappers is already, they stole the ice. She went back and told them about what she did and then they go, that's a great idea. Tell us more and then the next week they debut their own version of it. I'm pretty sure they're still doing it but who the fuck cares or who knows.

Who wants to listen to their input? No. Well, they don't have Iron Patriot. And my co-host is a robot in a $5,000 Iron Man suit. He's a badass motherfucker. You would dig at the most. I look at him because I've seen it and I looked at him on Twitter. He puts pickers up of like, he's an extra or something and he's like, try to find me in this and I got, I was high after this one day and like, why is this comedian, is he a comedian? Like I just, I'm in like an Iron Man suit. He's not a comedian whatsoever. He talks out of his chest. So great. Our chemistry is amazing because he's a normal. Yeah. He's a normal guy. So you know what you got with him. Yeah, you don't know, you know, so it's amazing. Michael Redman was your co-host. Well, he sits in. He sits in.

And yeah, he's, you know, he's a huge part of it, but you know, he's really like, you know what he's, you know, he's the man. He's there on sound effects. He's keeping everything rolling. He's great on tone. He keeps me in check when it's getting too serious or, you know what I mean? Like he keeps me lighthearted. We have a, we have a good thing. I sometimes, lately, I've just been setting them up for stuff like these, there's a part where, you know, they know that the 60 seconds is up the comedian because they hear the sound of a kitty cat. Like it goes like, instead of a light, you know, it's like, no, that's 60 seconds. You got to stop there. But normally people will be like at the end of a joke. And we have a thing where don't run the kitty cat sound or else you're

going to hear this angry bear. And it's very loud. I mean, it's a hilarious. And it comes over the loudspeakers, you know, and the place is packed. So they're always very excited to see if the person will wrap up right away because seriously, if they're like, and then, and then I went into the store and it was like, and I, but I was like, and you could tell they're right about to get to their punchline and just you can hear you got it. Yeah, we're I'm going to do one at the ice house soon and I'm going to get you and now Rogan wants to do it. So you guys will be my two guests. I just got to get the date locked down. It's going to be huge and awesome. And I'll I'll pre book comedians because the leverage I have the store is so many up and coming comics, you know, they're signing up

for that open mic. So but I'll book one special for the ice house like I did for the LA pod fest. I'm fucking happy. Yeah, I'm fucking happy. You'll love because you love stand up comedy. And that's what makes it great is it takes you right to the root of, you know, and then we talk about, you know, how you started and everything. You remember any bad jokes that you had when you very first started? Fuck yeah, I still remember bad jokes I got now. I don't mind when you start. You don't have to go back that fucking deep. Well, here you go, cucksuckers. So we're back here Friday and next Monday and then it's it till fucking January of 2014. Lee's going back to Boston with the wife and introduce it to the Jews. It's all over. Either he's out of the will. Most likely. Oh, he's fucking

back. I love you guys. Thank you real quick. It's okay. I'm going to be in Texas, January 9th, 10th, and 11th. Go to death squad dot TV for those dates. Sorry about that. No, nine 10th, 11th, Texas, Houston, Dallas and Austin. Beautiful. When you're doing that, we're right there. Yeah. Okay. He was telling me about it. We're doing it in February. We're doing a podcast tour. So we'll be down in February with the flying motherfucking Jew. All right, cocksuckers, don't forget, give on it love over the holiday. Give Hulu plus love and give fucking dollar shave club love. To be honest with you, they give you dumb bastards love because they fucking take care of you. And that's it. I want to thank my Tony Hinchcliffe for coming in,

my main man fucking the flying Jew, Lee Syat. Don't forget to listen to the podcast and I love you cocksuckers, the CD, December 31st and the release party at John Lovitt. Stay black cocksuckers. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu plus. Hulu plus that you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet, support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu plus. When you go to Hulu plus.com slash Joey or go to joey Diaz.net and click on the Hulu plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club.com. You get high quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollar shave

club.com forward slash church or just go to joey Diaz.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. Why the whole lot of love, why the whole lot of love, why the whole lot of love, why the whole lot of love. Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da

Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da

Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da

Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da

Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da

Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da Bada-ho-da-da-da-da I've been ruling, baby I've been ruling All the good times, baby, I've been missing you, yeah I'm way, way down inside I'm gonna give you my love I'm gonna give you everything to my love

I'm gonna give you my love, yeah All right, let's go La la la la, la la la la La la la la, la la la la Way down inside Warm up, you and me La la la la La la la la

Shake for me, yeah I wanna be your best man Hey, oh, hey, oh, hey, oh Oh, oh, oh La la la la, la la la la If you don't mind I keep a coolie, baby I keep a coolie, baby