Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 12/23/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #138

Episode Date: December 23, 2013

Joey's wife, Terrie, calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/23/2013.

I'm not eating a hash rock this show is sponsored by hulu plus hulu plus this Let's you binge on thousands of hit shows any time anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus comm slash joey That's hulu plus comm slash joey and by dollar shave club calm Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail Go to dollar shave club comm slash church That's dollar shave club comm slash church or go to joey Diaz dot net and click on the dollar shape. Well, the dollar shave club Oh shit, oh shit listen to those bundles black people are going crazy right now. It's Monday. Oh

Shit Oh Shit, that's all I'm telling you motherfuckers. It's Monday December 23rd two days before Jesus's birthday Let's do this motherfucker Reefer pellets machine guns. I don't give a fuck. It's Monday bitches grab your nuts Somebody's thinking of taking your fucking money today. Go get it out of their fucking pocket and stab them in the neck Just don't even have that thought ever again fucking with you motherfucker Do it Lee

We'll fuck with Joe. Oh shit. Oh Shit, we got a hash rock here. We got cheap old shoes. We got fucking bazookas. We got joints We got everything today. That's how you gotta go All we need is fucking open me on the finger up the ass. That's a party Jack Oh Anastasia Scream today What I

Wrote a tank hell the generals rank. Are you fucking kidding me? Who rides a fucking tank? That's how you even if you don't got a tank today, you're right the fucking tank You know why because you're a fucking soldier Turn that shit off Lisa. Yeah, what's happening you bad motherfucking Jew you I love you I don't know. I'm surprised every time by your weed. I'm like, he's not gonna have strong weed this morning Fucking I'm coughing up a storm Lee when I go into a store. I tell him go in the back back or go in the basement I want the shit you give to the CIA to give out in the fucking poor neighborhoods to calm these poor fucking savages It's Monday December 23rd. It's a beautiful day to be alive

Especially since your motherfucking in it cocksucker, it's fucking right the church of what's happening now coming at you Two more days till the shit goes down then you move on with your fucking You know, I never really after my mother died. I lost the fucking flair for Christmas because Who really gives a fuck you're not gonna ever spend it with people was special boy was I confused but now With the baby the house is all Christmassy and shit. I can't get away with it's a reality I avoided for years because I don't know sometimes when somebody dies the holidays aren't the same for you. Yeah, no God gave me a second chance or whatever the fuck is up there running shit. Maybe it's Mötley crew I don't I don't fucking know but they gave me a second chance. So Christmas is here. Let's make the best of it

Don't forget Thursday night Wednesday night. We're all getting together the Lemley, North Hollywood movie starts at 27 20 We're gonna meet about 6 30 6 45 smoke some joints get some parking Eat some popcorn and it's our fucking premiere. It's a church of what's happening now Special reefer shove the red carpet up your ass premiere. That's how we fucking do it Lisa Santa to suck a dick one six o'clock comes. We're out of here. You understand me out. Someone bring some egg rolls There has to be that's Chinese movies. That's what you do Yeah, but there's no fucking Jews that way out here. There's one fucking Chinese restaurant We could possibly go to the be open and it's the one in the studio city that has the New York style egg rolls

That's true. That's it unless they're open. Do you know they have garlic fried rice there? Oh, you don't go there Do you there's something Apple after that? I'm a juice right down the block from Jerry's deli Okay, there's like a Jamba juice there or some shit. I'll have to look for it. That's how it's delicious Yeah, yeah, they don't fuck around. That's the only play. I mean, they really have trying these food out. I thought I was a chance last Monday Did I tell you that? Oh Me and Carlos can tell I went and tore down some fucking chance. I ate something a chance last week I forgot how good it was and I've been eating the variation of it and it's fucking horrible dumplings first Don't think I ever had was a chance dragon in the first fucking pan fried fucking dumplings

And I forgot how good they really were and how they're supposed to come out these motherfuckers I don't know what's wrong with these Chinese people. They fucking cook shit Chinese food Shripping I used to go to China deli once a week. They got worse and worse and worse and worse I even try to teach him to strip him I even told him how to put pork in it. I put the goggles on with the fucking Chinese hat They can't do it. They just don't understand. I'll be going to the palms in a couple weeks in New York When we use that they were very nice and gave me a gift card. So I'm gonna be there in a couple weeks and then go check it out Let me know what night you go straight call Spina and let him fucking know he called me the other night

He's a trip Anthony Spina really yeah go visit him go get the steak with the fucking lobster meat on top with the peppers Get yourself the potatoes get yourself a little seafood appetizer. It's a fucking holidays We got to work out because I'm not you put some fucking weight. Oh, yeah this week I'm gonna work out like a fucking savage once I leave here. I'm gonna go home hang out with them I'm gonna hit that kettlebell class today and tomorrow. They're gonna have a kettlebell class Then Wednesday and Thursday I went and bought like a 35 pound kettlebell just to throw around, you know I didn't really want to bother on it, but I don't it's got some great fucking kettlebells I'm gonna get the ones with the faces on it

I just wanted one this week to have around the house the next two weeks. So by now everybody's shipping everybody's crazy I didn't want to call on it, but I'm it's got some great ones. So but that's it brother now We're doing our fucking thing you believe it's Christmas I can't and I'm I've never been more excited for one like it's just like I had I had the greatest weekend And I didn't do anything like I just she came over late Friday night. You're in lovely. Yeah We just watched a movie. I'm just fucking great. Yeah, it is. It's crazy It's uh, like yesterday she fell asleep watching football and her like her head was on my lap and I was just like that I didn't I barely watched the football game. You didn't think about grabbing up by the head and put it on your fucking Johnson

Like a filthy Jew that you are. Yes, you did that after the game Because you're a little filthy cuckoo You don't give a fuck you either ass while she's sleeping. Oh, no, not the sexy motherfucker No, no, no, but it's uh, it's a nice time of the year Christmas, especially Why do you people get depressed a lot of people get sad man? I'll tell you from like 80 to like 86 my Christmas is really fucking sucked. Is it depressing cuz I I never had

Yeah, some people have shit Christmases are bad for some people because I had it out here But like Hanukkah isn't really there's not really specific day So I never felt it the time I felt it was New Year's Eve And if I had nothing to do those were a couple New Year's Eve kind of depressed, you know It's it's crazy had a really bad New Year's Eve and I understood what could happen on New Year's Eve So I was respected New Year's Eve. Mm-hmm. So New Year's Eve is not one of my favorite fucking nights I'm not gonna lie to you people Because bad shit happens to good people just go out of the house and have a great time

Yeah, we got a hotel room for that reason. Yeah, because it's just don't don't don't fuck around, you know I got this year. I have the show at Universal City. I want to talk about that real quick It's like that. I want to give a shameless plug or nothing. I'm doing this show. It's gonna be a great time You know, I'm gonna get you in and out there early, but I was reading the fine print here The universe was gonna jack up the valet prices. Oh shit that night, but so was Hollywood Yeah, it's gonna go to $30 to fucking park. So that's what they're doing I think if you call John Lovitt's comedy club and Sam going up there for the New Year's thing They'll give you a number of something and it's like a $30 parking thing or $40

If not, they want $75 per car. Well, they have they have buses that go there Yeah, they have buses that go down the corner to get a cab I rather you guys do that and then they're gonna charge you 30 to go into Universal City Oh, yeah, they're gonna bust you from down the corner, but you know what you've got restaurants day You've got rides you've got movie theaters There's so many fucking things to do and then they bust you out of there. So it's like a safe fucking place My show starts at eight. I'm gonna get you out of the comedy room by fucking 10 o'clock. Okay By 10 o'clock you do whatever the fuck you want. You could stay there and enjoy the DJ

Walk around hang out. It's gonna be a great time. There's gonna be weapon check the whole fucking thing Nothing we ain't checking for is fucking reefer bring reefer bring edibles, you know, and if you want stay up there I don't I don't fucking know I think that couple people called me ready. I'm gonna get my ride in so they're going with me, you know I've never been in business and as Lisa. Yeah, we've gone to meetings and people have said to us Well, you should charge this and this and this will remind them leaves business is not about to fucking jab you in the fucking eyes In no means I've never been into fucking whacking you guys in the eyes. I go on the road I do movies. I'll make money that way before I try to fuck with you guys Everything I've done is five dollars just to cover Lee whatever we have to do here

We got to buy a new computer. That was three thousand dollars, you know shit like that. So I've never been in business I don't want you to think look what Joey fucking did to me. It's not Joey I'm just trying to show you motherfuckers a good time. It's new years and these people want to capitalize on it So I'm just letting you know Off the back because I love you cock suckers, but new years could be good and bad. Yeah, I've seen some fucking I've seen some great new years turn into bad ones So when I talked about the other day, it was a great new years We were getting right around went to a few parties and also the cops pull us over

Because there's an accident I go see an RX-7 that was one of the worst new years ever Is hearing somebody yell for their fucking life then two years three four years later I was at a party and Danny B who calls into the podcast Bit off Tommy Timmy Roger, Holloway's here. That was the New Year's Eve. That was New Year's Eve I'm like yours house. It was fucking horrible. It was horrible till six in the morning Like everything was great till about 11 30 and then for five and a half six hours It became this fucking unreal black-and-white nightmare where you're trying to drive your friend to the hospital He don't want to you know who the fuck needs that shit. So just be careful on New Year's

It's all I tell I love you here at the church. What's happening? I really don't give a fuck if you come to the show or not if it was up to me I'd rather you get fucking two lobster tails get yourself some broad some steaks Whatever the fuck you eat a salad get 10 pounds of reefer go home bring that girl home get the new CD Fuck her in the ass and call it a fucking night. That's what I'd rather you the fuck do to be honest with you I sold you to the church. I'd rather you not even take the chance I'd rather you get three or four people bring them over to the house of the cool Some chick that's gonna suck your fucking knob ladies some guy that's gonna eat your ass

You know I'm saying it goes both ways stay at the fucking house. That's what I would advise But you do what you want. I love you either fucking way Well go to the that's what I'm doing is because my mom lives like 15 minutes outside the city But I didn't want to deal with it the train or the crazy people driving So you got a we got a whole yeah one of the price line ones where it doesn't tell you exactly where you're staying We got the fucking part Plaza for a hundred bucks a night It's gonna be crazy and we're gonna go to an Italian restaurant in the north end and just walk around a couple bars and go back But why not just they have a hotel there, right?

I could go see a movie before the show go see the comedy show. It's so many fucking things you could do up there They have restaurants. They have seafood places. They have stores Sometimes I go to Universal City and I have a spot and I just walk around. I just walk around to see and I have a good time By myself like a moron my wife used to go there by herself to do movies because no matter what they charge you to park They take it off the price admission to the movie if you're going for the matinee. Okay, so it's not a bad deal But if you're going to have the noon, they fucking yank you there It's like 40 bucks to go to the movie theater. This is some shit. Yeah, so but that's it man. I'm excited that the year is over It was a great year. I mean, yeah, I want you people thinking about Christmas

I really want you to enjoy it with your family, but fucking the 26th I mean thinking about Christmas you're thinking about your plan in 2014 you think about your goals what you want to do I've written my goals every day for the last like 10 days since Nashville before the premiere I've been writing my goals just really thinking about it because It's not just writing your goals. It's not just saying by the end of the year. I want to be on TV I love those people by the end of the year. I want to be a millionaire Joey. Yeah, it doesn't work that way It's I want you to write your goal and then write underneath it. What steps you're gonna take to become a millionaire I'm gonna I'm gonna pimp out some black chicks. I'm gonna fuck and put money on $3,000 in the bank every week

I'm gonna write a book. I'm gonna do this and every time you write something You have to write something underneath it to let me know your path, man 2014 is gonna be a big fucking year. We're already planning fucking other podcast We're thinking about Rick Ramos coming on and doing a podcast my man fucking Lee's gonna start a little network He's not gonna be on every fucking podcast, but he'll help produce some whatever the fuck they need That's what Lee does. So we're thinking about all these things for 2014 But you know if you want to lose weight, I just talked to Timmy Holloway on the phone. We're talking about getting healthy You know what little things to start with I mean Doug it starts with a walk around the fucking corner

And then it starts with he said and he works 60 hours a week in a fucking truck So he goes, you know, there's one night a week I could take off early goes I'll stop by whatever German and today he can't lift weights because it's bad He heard his back. Mm-hmm. So he's got a walk on a treadmill, you know, but walking on the treadmill Maybe that's better than saying on the couch. It's better than saying, you know drink some water instead of fucking sodas There's just so many fucking things you could do because every little thing counts I I used to say to myself, what if I'm not gonna work out full-time? I'm not gonna work out That was such a cop out. Then one day I was talking to Kristen DeGio

He runs the Tang Sudo school in Hollywood and he goes Joey After 40 every fucking little bit helps even if you just stretch in front of the TV and get on the floor and Do bridges or something every little bit helps. I was telling that he brought with it Lately last night I got home late when I got home last night went to the ha ha to do a spot Which I bombed it was terrible. I got no material and I walked in and I talked Terry was awake and We should chat it for a little while and fucking uh After she wanted better. I was a little wired, you know, I answered emails. I did 20,000 things and

I fucking down the floor and did bridges, you know from jujitsu and just worked my bridges worked a couple hip escapes It was fucking 12 o'clock at night. I'm on the floor watching Suns and Anarchy doing hip escapes So every little bit fucking helps. So if you want to get healthy, man, it all starts with you 2014 who the fuck I'm what was the music out second? It's Monday. I wanted to do it Wednesday, but you said no So I want that to be on the record What Wednesday with Hinchcliffe. I wanted to break out. I want to be around. I've had my week last Monday was a sad Monday Really? Yeah fucking. I mean who likes who likes waking up at five in the morning, but when this starts, it's fucking Awesome. Thank you, brother

Somebody Somebody Fucking Constantine rain you bad mother fucker What the fuck did I just do it just to race the whole fuck you put it there? Can we come back? Sure, please I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. He used to do with me The fuck Lisa yeah That misery To pick up the motherfucking pieces you understand

It's so crazy whenever I hear this song. I swear to God. I swear to God Lee For one second I could smell my mother's bar. What do you smell? Well, what does it smell like? Dampness, yeah and beer like steel beer like old cigarette smoke and beer from the 50s Yeah, that's what it smelled like in there for a minute. You know, I talked to a Saturday night. I was just I don't know. I was feeling funky Saturday night. Sometimes you You're sitting there and I was talking to my wife and she was playing with the baby and the baby went to bed I was feeling funky about myself. We were gonna meet that night and get some tacos. Okay, and I went to bed early and I Was just thinking how I don't know. I was feeling lonely for 10 seconds. You know, yeah

I always yearn for my friends. I grew up with some times, you know, and I said look I gotta make a ride anyway I gotta go here. I gotta go there. It was like eight o'clock. I go get weed at the weed store I had to stop and get something up Something I was out of blue came in so I wanted to catch the whole food store. So I told my wife Let me just get in the car and go for a ride So I got the glue to call I went to the weed store Gotta get something else Organize a new notebook at a CVS. I went to CVS. I got my nose drops took about 20 minutes. No big deal

But on the way I'm on I called a friend of mine Dean LaPreet that I speak to maybe three times a year Dean LaPreet in reality is one of my oldest friends in North Bergen He's an Irish kid and I really thought about Dean at the premiere last week because when they picked me up at the Holiday Inn Express Went up route three The limo driver the guy that was driving the guy was driving the car service Alex. He's a friend of ours He has a car limo, you know, I met him through Joe through UFC now We time I go to New York

Haven't drive me to the airport or pick me up. Whatever's easiest and He was driving us into route three which takes you into Lincoln tunnel and there was too much traffic So he made a right and went up the fucking ramp which put us on Kennedy Boulevard right by like 27th Street 28th Street. That was my old stomping grounds when I was in the sixth grade. I didn't like staying at my house I thought the house was haunted Seriously shit. I didn't like staying there every time at night. I would hear the stairs would creak at night Jesus, so I would go I would go home after school and hang out till about seven Then at seven I would walk up the hill to my mother's bar

He did it with my mother stay there till about nine then about nine I go to my friend's house Papo Torres on 26th and Central was a Puerto Rican neighborhood And it was basically my original neighborhood when we moved from New York to New Jersey My mother had a house on 29th and like across from a school called Robert Waters. It's in Union City That was our first fucking real house in New Jersey After my mother died she went back to New York. She wanted to get out of that house She didn't want to stay at that fucking house. She said every time somebody came to the door I thought it was my father and I run to the door so she wanted to break that habit. Yeah, of course

So I was just fucking weird shit. I'm remembering but I remember right there on that corner was Tom's When we were kids there was a place Tom's bakery Tom's coffee shop, whatever fucking older than hell Like you know fucking Daniel Boone ate breakfast there like this place is fucking old and And I used to go in there and get a corn muffin toasted with butter and I'd meet every morning and and Dean and I would just I don't know. We were kindred souls. We really we like the same music. He was and I called him up You know, we spoke about my mother's bar. He's one of the few people that remembers my mother He goes I still remember your mother burning colds My mother would burn this this Spanish cold to get the spirits out of the fucking bar

While she was listening to I want to be around she'd walk around the bar and she'd give Dean a pret Soda's and whatnot. None of them one day Oh shit What's up Hey, how you feeling? Little congested you've been up all fucking night back and forth Jesus Christ. I heard your call friend and She's a little trooper too, she's stuck right through most of it. So where is she now I? Sleep, okay, so you got some time to run the phone with my wife

My beautiful wife. She's gonna celebrate her birthday on Saturday. We got a babysitter. We're going out and shit We're going to Benny Hammons. I'm sure we had a big week. We went to a we went to a crash cast and crew screening of Grudge match and it's also a match yet. You don't use another name in the old movie Lee got me stoned this cocksucker and And we also we're gonna celebrate the baby's first birthday On the eighth, you know, she's gonna be a year fucking old. So we got our plate full Lee. What do you want to ask it? No, I tell you I was just saying I told Joey like two weeks ago that you're my favorite call Just cuz no one no one gets to experience what I experienced for the first eight months or something

We did the podcast at your house And you were the one mostly answering the door because Joey was in the shower and just like just just like the ten minutes Before and after every podcast was probably the funniest thing that nobody's ever seen Just you coming you coming in with coffee and then the computer doesn't work and then And then the cats are running around and then as you got more pregnant and just You would you look at it pregnant? I got the funnier. I'm not sure. No, no, no, it wasn't you It's just like you tolerated less and less like you were just looking you would just look at him And then he'd look at me needs to close the door

It was just you know Not so nothing Lee. It's the best thing and worst thing I ever did was introduce Joey to the computer I'm sure it was as long as the computer is working. He is fine That computers never stopped working, you know, I don't know where he got that idea from but it's He doesn't seem to realize that everybody all around the world At some point, you know every couple of months They'll lose internet connection. Oh, yeah, that's the best the internet doesn't work. The mouse goes off

It's a It's fun happens. There's nothing you can do about it. You just have to Figure out especially with you verse because you verse. It's just An ungodly pain in the ass To try to get back online because all the lights will be working and They'll still and they'll be phone service, but they just won't be in a u-verse service One of the first things that happened. I don't understand. I don't get it either I don't work for you verse

I don't know where you think that he thinks because I have a college degree He thinks anybody with a college degree should be able to solve any problem. They do I do I fucking do Anybody who has a college degree automatically smarter than me, okay, so I'm smarter than you Honestly, that's not really a big step Does not mean that I could you know work on somebody's Aneurysm, I don't think that's a smart decision on anybody's part But you seem to think that since I have a college degree. I have an accounting degree. I should be also able to

Cure cancer, which I can't yes, you can listen man. We I'm the right fucking get so pissed at people because Since day one, I've always assumed that people were smarter than me I've always assumed and just a lot of them are because I know that I'm no fucking genius So when I come to people for help and they're like, I don't know what's going on. I get so frustrated One of the first things the first one of the first times I came over to your house I taught Joey how to post a picture on Twitter on his computer. He just looked at me. He was stoned He said you're an unadulterated genius, and it was like that was like the moment like I'm not like working with this guy I

Have to tell you I could have gone over to your apartment and punched you 17 times in the neck Came home with his iPod Filled with music, but it was formatted for Mac. Oh His iPod not wrap around his little head The reason why since we don't own any Mac. I couldn't load music onto his iPod It should that shouldn't iPod shouldn't do that. It's weird. Okay Yes, so if it starts on a Mac it has to finish with a Mac or you have to erase all the music Well, I'm sorry

So, how did you know that I did not know that how's it how's it going? How's it going with mercy haven't seen you really since the baptism. Oh Wow gosh, that was a long time ago She's a big girl now she's taking she took nine steps the other day I heard she's walking Yeah She's not walking very well. She takes two left steps in a row then she goes down But she's trying Oh, yeah my uh

I uh He'll I don't know what I feel confused lost Joey seems to think I'm so happy because I'm staying at home, but I'm you know confused More than anything so fucking confused about You know, uh, there are a lot of women who don't want to go to work in the first place So then staying home was super fantastic for them

But I like work, you know, I Got satisfaction from going to work. So it's a little you know there at the end I wasn't getting as much satisfaction because my patience was at an all-time low And it still is kind of But I miss it, you know And uh Whatever it is what it is No, it's uh

Nothing's up. I'm just happy that we uh kept the baby alive. We're here Oh my goodness. We're having a great fucking time with it. Uh There's a lot of young kids that listen to this and they're saying what the fuck are you guys talking about? You know, we never thought that something like this was going to happen and it did So a lot of people read these fucking parenting kids out there wait about having a baby Wait, yeah, it was

I mean, I'm a little on the other side to have a baby and whatnot, but It's uh, it's really been a fucking adventure with her to watch her grow and Especially the last few weeks got so big in the last two weeks. Oh my god For being from a baby a baby toddler like overnight it was creepy and It's you know You hear people say that unless you actually witness it You don't have any conception of what I'm talking about but she went from being very dependent and very

Childlike like baby like There's a difference between Um Babies who aren't very mobile Or who are dependent upon you for their mobility and for babies who aren't Their brains start to to fire a lot faster You can see it. You know, she you can see her figuring out that this

block sits on top of that block and then And I can now put these blocks together on the little square that they go on What what what do the cats think about her now? Because before the cats could come in and like introduce themselves But now the kid now she's going over. I bet and they they're very well acquainted with her. They're not really fond of her Because she gets so excited, you know And uh, she goes up to them. She screams in their face. You know, she's so happy to see them. She's good And they're like you're psycho

And then they run off, you know, but her favorite to do that to her fidel He he gets his heart broken over a drop of the hat So he does not know how to handle it and she likes to go up to gray And both of them in the most skittish cats we have in the house And she just likes to go into their faces and scream in their faces I don't get it. I wonder where she gets that from she does like alley though alley Alley, it's a big big blob of fat and she just lays there while

mercy beats on her It scares the shit out of me, but I know that she's got to get acquainted with animals, you know somewhere along the fucking line. So this whole thing Has been very scary but very uh enlightening to me the last 11 months I'm in a different fucking planet because I don't know what I'm doing But I'm getting more and more confidence every day around the baby

She came in the shower about three weeks ago. I heard with a lot of clothes on with all her fucking clothes She'll come in with her fucking clothes on man. She don't give a fuck if I'm in there She didn't want to jump in trying to climb over the edge of the tub. Yeah, it's fucking scary. It's uh You know, and I have a lot of thoughts Fucking weird thoughts are gonna be a little fucking girl and you know You read about what's going on and it's just things that were not issues to me before and now issues Things I didn't pay attention to and you know, Lee. He's a paranoid nutcase To begin with you have to be

Yeah, oh no, you know, you don't have to be this paranoid Nobody has to be this paranoid, but you know what it pays to be a little like no Gibson You're you're retarded paranoid. It's crazy And with her It's 10 times more You just want to time up and stick him in a closet and then

Go do some shopping because otherwise he's freaking out because you're leaving the house Very hard to function With his paranoia And if you it since you guys listen to him all the time you listen to his stories of paranoia All the time Imagine trying to raise a little girl around that She's going to be locked in a closet Oh, I'm sure in a few years

I'm excited for her to be like five when she's like really getting like talking like really understanding what's going on That's going to be interesting to see Well, I think she'll be able to Ease his mind a little bit more if she can Communicate what's going around going on around her Right now He there's no communication. So I think that's adding to it a bit But uh, I don't know. I have no I am

I'm an idiot when it comes to this. I have that's the one thing I Gleaned from all of this is I am a raging idiot Because I don't know what in the world i'm talking about. I am very paranoid. I am very paranoid about lee. I'm paranoid about you I'm paranoid about me paranoid about uh, I'm not paranoid. I worry I worry about anybody I have feelings for I worry about a lot of these people on twitter that that communicate I worry about The weirdest things ever and how I put my mind to ease is you know what I was putting to the world by myself at 16

I'm still here And I was putting some wild predicaments that she could have gone down But somebody above watched over me and that's all I want for her I want the same people who watched over me to watch over her and I'll be fine. I can live with it I have to remove it. Yeah, but you know what you've got to put her into situations Where she has to look out for herself. Oh, yeah, yeah, but I'm not worried about that's not or she won't be able to look out No, no, no, no, and that's I understand that no you have to hey listen, man One thing I I have over a lot of people is when I was six my mother was preparing me already for that day

They were preparing me for that day in case it happened and it fucking happened And thank god I stepped up to the pump. Thank god. I stepped up play If I wouldn't I don't want her to be raised the way um Not so much the way I was raised because I don't really have a problem with the way I was raised, but I My family Lee is very scared I don't know when it happened where

What happened at some point they became terrified. They won't fly uh say sit around and watch the news and and and They they believe the news on the worst situation that could possibly happen and and I don't Want that for her and I don't know And it's not just like my mom and my dad it's my mom and my dad and my sister and You know instilling it kind of is my niece, you know, well, they've been still going out and still did and let me tell you some

Terry I'm going to tell you something that you only knew you know I have all those fears that your parents have I know you if it was up to sit there and you get so mad at my parents and I'm like This is a call in the cattle plot, but there's a difference. I do something about my fear I do something about no all the time all the time All the time I do something about it. You know the the scariest thing in my life. I told you this Is when I go to jujitsu and I can't fucking breathe on my back And I have sleep apnea

So I can't breathe on my back and when you have sleep apnea and you know what it feels to be choked It messes with your head. Let me tell you something. I overcome that fear by going to jujitsu You know, I try to overcome those fears to my family is my family is the type They're the type of people who look for reasons Not to do something do something instead of looking for Ways to overcome that and be able to do something You know, they're they they think of 17 reasons why that's a bad idea, but not one why why it's a good idea And that's it. That's the way they approach every situation, you know

That's scary to them. Yeah, and it's they don't they don't look to overcome their fear. They look to reinforce it Yeah, I grew up enough and my parents were More nervous I guess and and and growing up and that that definitely rubs off So it's it's good It's good to not be raised because you you always are going to turn into your parents. So if if mercy's raised in the family That's a little bit less nervous and skittish She won't she won't have that her whole life. Listen. I don't it's not the

It's not the fear that gets my dick hard is overcoming the fear that's always got my dick hard Friday night. I'm a grown fucking man I'm a 50 year old grown man that used to carry weapons and the whole thing I was scared to get my car and go up to the ice house. Why? I was scared of going out at night. I was scared of driving to the ice house because of drunk drivers I was scared of getting there. I had no material. I was just scared. I was just scared completely to go up there But then something and it's easy. It's easy to get wrapped up in that. Absolutely. I'm scared of everything It you can sit there and and I have to talk myself out of Situations like I don't want to take the baby downtown to see her godmother because you know

There's no really reason for me to be down there. And what if I got in the car accident? I didn't have any reason to be there. And that's what I that's what I get for getting up. I can't live like that I do that. I do that also I live like that. You cannot live like that. No, but I also live like that because I went to bed one night when I was 15 And I woke up to my mother washing dishes dead on the floor So I understand how fast life could change within minutes And it happens when you don't expect it. Yeah, but even how fast life can change when you're sitting there on your couch doing nothing

Oh, I know it's that nothing is I know You can't stop living Just because something bad happens. Oh terry clon that happens to somebody every day. Oh, no, no, I'm not I know these things. I know these things I want I always want the element of fear to be there in the back of my mind. So I know what's going on That fear is what keeps me sharp. There's people who have fear. I don't know what to do with it I know exactly what to do with it when I let it because terry I will sit on that couch I will sit in that desk and I will let it beat me up

Until I go sometimes you see those posts that I put and I go, it's time to grab your fucking nuts and cut the shit That's what goes through my head and that's how I talk myself out of it and I get on planes I get on stages. I talk to people I go out at night. I hug black people, you know, I fucking do my thing But and I'm more and I've tried to tell people on the podcast this terry. So I'm happy you brought this up This is why lee likes when you call because I am more scared than anybody And for 2014, we're all fucking scared. We're all scared because obama obama care Fuck all that shit. You grab your cock. You salute the flag And you fucking pray for the best

Oh, you don't even fucking pray because you're that confident. You don't need fucking prayers And that's what I do terry clock and you know it. You know that when it comes to me rocking and rolling I tell my wife all the time. Why don't you look at all like fantasy football? Why aren't you happy? I don't sit here and watch fucking football all day and walk around with a jersey on and Mine fuck myself about she thinks to take for some reason I would still be in the relationship Or I would have ever gotten into no, I know my wife I tell I go you're fucking lucky. I'm not one of those guys. I'm sitting there thinking to myself something could be done If I'm sitting there watching fucking football, I'm thinking to myself something to be done

I got to answer emails. I could tweet something like a ride a joke. That's my I could do five push-ups I could do 10 jumping jacks something so I think I think if if you spend More than half of your waking not even more than half if you spend more than 25 of your waking time doing something retarded like watching other people play sports or

Solving puzzles that actually don't solve anything It's just on paper Then you are wasting your time And life would just wasting your life. You're wasting your energy you know There are other things out there If you if that is where you are spending your energy Then you have no right to complain

about obama care or about the potholes on your street or How bad your neighbor is or anything else because you're not a proactive person You're sitting around letting life happen to you Well, it's easy now, especially on the computer Like there's people who don't have to leave ever leave their house They can work and do everything there's people who you never have to leave

So it's easy to to not do stuff amazon delivers on sunday But you know what that's gonna fuck people up the internet offers two different there's two different sides to that You can sit there and vegetate and do nothing on that computer or you can choose to Make yourself Have a voice on that computer You know, yeah, you can mindlessly tweet that you are now at the glendale galleria Or you could use it to You know get your voice out there

It's it's what you use the tool for You know hammers can either build something or knock something down. It's what you choose to do with that hammer Now you know now these people know why i'm married to you dirty bitch Now they know i'm married to you because you're an adulterated genius on you like wait You're dropping out. I don't I don't have a problem when you're sitting on a computer all day I have a problem with what you do while you're on that computer all day You know and even then yeah, I don't think you need to be even if you're trying to get your voice out I don't think you need to be sitting in front of a computer all day, but

If you're going to do it Make the use at the time And i'm not saying you don't ever have any entertainment in your life, but just don't let it overcome you Games and you know that's a people spending a godly amount of money On video games. What is that got it? What does that get accomplished? I mean seriously most of these a lot of these people are over 30 Seriously when you were in high school. Did you think what i'm 30? I'm going to Own the latest xbox game. I'm gonna have to hold to them

Because that's what I that's my goal in life. I grow up. That's what I want to do. I want to be a gamer We're about really we're about five to ten years away from that being like a legitimate thing people thought about in high school Like it's it's ridiculous Yeah, but none of them would be in a game as long as you do something with it. I always felt that You know, I've never what you want to do with a gamer You're gonna do a call of duty Well, you could become good on it and get sponsors and go to competitions and write a book on fucking it There's gotta be something good that you could just gotta be I know they go to some kind of war fucking games

I don't think that that would be a good idea for that to be A goal Well, it's not it never is a goal. It takes a lot. My goal was never to have a podcast I didn't know I didn't fucking know but look what it became terry clark. Yeah, but that podcast lasts how many hours It lasts too, but that's not the point the point is that look what it became I never knew this 10 years ago. I didn't talk to you about a fucking podcast saving me Well, nobody did well, this is why but as long as you get involved. This is what it becomes honey

Sometimes you sit there and you're on your fucking couch and you're like I play fucking games all day I got the podcast is getting out there and getting your point across No, I understand call of duty is not getting anybody's point across maybe Maybe, you know, there's an art through it somewhere else. I don't fucking know the the thing Exactly you don't fucking know but the thing I like the most is honey that uh We're both on the same fucking page. Oh, I thought joey was gonna be the hard-ass parent Terry, I think I think he's gonna be the pushover like after hearing this Oh, he's he's entirely a pushover. He doesn't want her to cry. He doesn't know what's wrong with her

And oh my goodness. She rolled over and banged her head. She's gonna bang her head a million times Because she's a toddler and that's what they do, you know, if you don't cut yourself for, you know Bruise yourself when you're growing up, you're a wuss When you get big enough, you know, I don't want my kid to enter into daycare and never have had a cut on her She won't know how to act You know, some little boy comes up and smacks her upside the head. She's not gonna know how to react I was just gonna say god god help any kid who bullies Mercy Diaz

Because the next day there's gonna be two trainers you and you and your wife are gonna be trainers and She's gonna go ahead and knock the hell out of them. Listen, man. I look I was harsh. I hope she's smarter than that I love you know, I really do No, I hope she's smarter than that also. Look at you look at your child and you want the best for your child You don't want them to get any pain through life and it's a wrong fucking attitude. I think of what how I was raised I'm fucking excited. I don't want it to be too painful. No, no, no, no, no, but there's gotta be Sideways there's that could be a good healthy amount of pain in your life. It's gotta be because without you're not gonna ever appreciate the good times That's the drive. That's the drive is the fucking pain

What do you got on the boards today Terry Clark? What's on your schedule? I have no idea. I don't know what time she's gonna get up I am a hot mess as we can all hear Uh that portal thing sleeps in a room with a Cost machine all night long. I felt so bad for her. I smell like Nick Sav Nick Sav and cough drops. That's what I smell like Can you imagine sleeping with that? That's fantastic She's a little trooper. Well, you know, I don't feel bad. She woke up with a poop diaper right in my bed this morning So

There's a trade-off Well, listen poop diaper. I fucking love you at all my heart. I'm looking forward to our date night on saturday and I'm looking forward To our next couple years together with this little savage that we're raising next couple of years You going somewhere? No, no, no the next 50 fucking years together with you We're raising this savage making plans. No, no, no, hopefully We'll raise a productive member of society. That's all I want for her. I wanted to be a woman First in a productive member society, you know, that's the most important to me And I wanted to be as painless, but I know it's gonna be

You know, it's like it's gonna be more painful for you. It's fucking life. Absolutely. I you know, I love children And I when I look at children I equate my life growing up and I had a great fucking childhood, man I had a great childhood. I got no complaints I wouldn't have the great childhood I had I wouldn't be the person I am today We all have bumps along the way. I love you cock sucker I'll see you for breakfast. Seriously. You just called your wife a cock sucker. What am I gonna do? I love you to death. That's why I call you that. That's beautiful What a lovely sentiment and merry christmas to you as well

Merry christmas to all of you and Lee's gonna stop by and get a lobster tail tuesday night. Oh, yes, I'm happy Monica to you as well. He's got some christmas presents for the baby. So christmas is better Oh, yeah, christmas is better, isn't it? Oh, yeah, of course I like all those gifts under the tree at once. Oh my god My little cousins my little cousins their mom is christian and I experienced my first christmas morning And it was like it was over like they took a nap under the tree Like they were just so young they got so tired from opening all the presents It is a lot better than hanukkah

Yeah, we don't have quite that many for her. We just have big presents for her mainly so she gets a kick out of Opening it. Yeah Yeah, you have a couple years until you have to start really filling up the under the tree. Yeah, I know Yeah Well, I'll see you tuesday. All right Good morning gentlemen. I love you, baby. Have a good day. See you in a little while, baby. Bye I we have to start on a twitter account and a podcast for mrs. Matt flavor She's uh, she's a fucking beauty, but no, I'm happy that

I could be a good husband I'm happy that I love her to death and there's no fucking. I don't have a chick on the side or I'm happy about a lot of things. I'm happy you're around me. So I'm happy you stuck it out You see that we grown together. I didn't lie to you, Lee. No, I didn't lie and we all get I'm fucking super paranoid But this is what the church is about. I I never got out of my way to lie to you people I'm more scared than any use could ever be put together, but there's no time for fucking fear Especially now, man. There's no time for fear. So Get up. Look at yourself in the mirror and grab your balls your pussy

Fucking grab your heart and go. This is what I'm gonna do. I don't give a fuck, you know I'm scared. You know, I was scared to get in the car. Yeah, I'm scared to get on stage I've been doing comedy for 22 years and there's times I'm scared I get anxiety from fucking getting on stage That night like and this is just regular, but that fear is what drives me. Yeah, so I don't talk shit here people I live the fucking shit. So please Grab the fucking world by the balls. You need a fucking kick in the balls. Let's get some shout outs here cocksuckers Shout out my uh, my fj brother frank I love you motherfuckers over there

Freeload dough, whatever the fuck out work Do your thing stefan Clyde We got some people here dany lions. I love you Fucking pilates for men great book Eric sleazy english charlie jovan dany redriga's albic goreff Justin belavidi

And death squad connecticut and the rest of the fucking death squad Associations all over the world. I love you motherfuckers and the chapters from death squad Harlem to death squad brim rapids To fucking death squad Iowa to death squad ball sack. I love you motherfuckers. They even got a death squad fucking mars It just started three Puerto Rican Martians Up there and we talked about your health for 2014 and what a great way to get started On it, baby. On it. Don't fuck around. You don't you think i'm like timmy was just talking to me goes any of that Shit work. I said timmy it works. Whatever works for you. Not everything is going to work. Look acupuncture has worked for me It's helping with my circulation

For some people that are I try and acupuncture doesn't happen. Go fuck yourself Some people work all I know is every morning I get up in the morning I take my little fucking blood pressure medication. I take my alpha brains. If I'm gonna go work out. I take my fucking uh, uh, shroom tech sport and if I replace a meal the The mega hemp force protein either the chocolate or the acai vanilla flavor You mix that with some fucking water some glutaco in that motherfucker Your dick is harder and then then then you know, then a fucking concrete slab You follow me on it.com go to joey dears.net

Check on fucking on it the box pressing church get whatever the fuck you need 10% off They take care of you on the mailing list. Trust me. It's all fucking good. I wouldn't sit here and bullshit you Another thing I gotta tell you about today is the last day with dollar shave club. They've been great It's been a great thing. It broke my heart. Yes. I got some razors in the mail You know, I got some backup razors though because I didn't use them as fast But I'll tell you what I don't care whether they're working with us or not Whether they're helping us out or we're helping them out. It was a great product and it's still a fucking great product It was a great product when I started going into business with them and it's still a great fucking product

They cost one six and nine dollars a month. That's fixed fucking rate for the year And you know exactly what you're gonna spend so when your wife says, what do you spend on razors every year? $12,000 your wife gives a fuck, but you know what the times are tough. This is one way to fucking start Why go to fucking some pharmacy and stand online and wait all day and scratch your fucking balls To pay fucking overpriced razors. Fuck no go to fucking joeydeers.net go to the dollar shave club box church church mother fuck the chu Rch bang there you have it get some fucking razors send them as a gift I don't give a fuck what you do. That's how much I believe in the product

You know if they're not sponsoring us I still want you to go over there and give out some gifts and they're fucking great It's a great product that wished them a lot of luck and you know, what else are you gonna fucking do? What's up, dog? Did we have a decadose or quad? Why what's the matter? Nothing because we have to shout out chiba chiba for what's currently going on Oh For people just I don't know if people didn't understand at the end of the last podcast

I was just stroking the wall and I just couldn't like I just saw myself doing it It's time to smoke some more refill. Oh, please don't. Yeah, it's time to eat another cheese Oh, no, thank you. It's that type of part. I only gave you a little piece. Did you eat that whole time? Give me half. I'm gonna eat another half. No, I'm not I swear to god, I'll tie you up Fucking car like Kenville. Oh my god 2014 you got to get it started because yeah, it's Christmas. Whatever who gives a fuck It's 2000 motherfucking 14 and I want you all to have a fucking good

Yeah, I want you to all go out there and make a little cash and get an education and fucking Slink some dick and some people could afford a lot of shit and some people fucking can't To make the best of what you can do if you can't do fucking the jiu-jitsu class Choke your sister. I don't fucking know. I don't you know, I'm just here to help you. What's up, Lee What's on your mind? Nothing. It's just uh, it's crazy how like the last six months have been like pretty much the best six months of my life and it's uh, I see like when we were talking about last night what what the future holds hopefully for this and It's uh, it's crazy. I hope hopefully everyone has a good 2014 I hope I hope everyone has an awesome one. Listen if you put effort into this fucking thing

You don't sit there like a mud at home waiting for somebody to give you a fucking envelope You know, everybody wants to be a comedian. I know who the comedians are and I was I was thinking about a particular person Last night a comic who's a good guy. Yeah, I went all right If you know, I went to the casting crew okay of uh Grudge match of grudge match and it was a man's Chinese theater What I was up in the third floor

I had a nice time, you know, and on the way down the stairs. I I worked on the stairs and I heard somebody go Joey and I turned around And there was a kid I did comedy with at the store 10 years ago 12 13 years ago Jesus and he knew my wife he gave her a hug and he knew me I gave him a hug And he had a flashlight in his hand And some fucking t-shirt and some hat on with some company like what are you doing here? And he goes i'm working over here. It's a part-time guy. I worked five nights a week

From seven to twelve and then I go out and do comedy And it destroyed my insights I got in the car. I didn't say nothing to my wife We went home the baby said My wife went to bed and I stayed up for a while because I had to do a podcast with you friday I had a couple things going on And I sat there and he goes, what are you doing here? And I go i'm coming out from You know after he told me what he was fucking doing

I had like, you know, I didn't I tried to avoid the subject He goes, what are you doing down here? You guys going for dinner? My wife is like No, we went to the viewing of grudge match joey's new movie and he goes, oh Congratulations and I got in the car and it's weird that we both had the same opportunities But here and here's the same. I mean, this is how fucking crazy is I know him probably since 2001 Okay, and you know I was snorting coke. I was snorting coke and drinking and getting high

But there was a two three part of the day like now i'm working 10 hour days But that was and that's not enough hours in the day, you know between writing and trying to write a book and You know trying to see emails and schedule shit and trying to put dates together And I was doing blow and drinking but I put a piece of my time This is one of those guys at the yahoo type of guy You know what i'm saying? He's always smoking a cigarette and Everything's always a fucking party and you know, what are you doing tomorrow night? Me and my buddies are dressing up like Santas and we go out and drinking

so Me me bumping into him made me feel guilty about me doing this movie is what i'm trying to say Yeah, because it's like we started together Yeah And on the back of his mind He's like well this guy fucking roguin probably got him the movie or something like that these people understand that I work hard But I felt bad for him because he didn't do the work And because he didn't do the work he's over there fucking working five nights a week

You know taking a shift from somebody at this point in his fucking life And I don't expect everybody to be a business owner or whatever But after a while you have to move forward. He never moved forward. He stayed in a fucking party So for 20 30 minutes maybe 45 minutes I felt bad about myself for you Because I felt like I even took him on the road one time Do you know that I call he came to me like a man? He goes I want you to take me to this place And I call the only almost like bro. I can't have that guy here He used to come here and he used to so he lied to me already

Instead of saying now I had a hard time there. He came up to me. He goes. Yeah The guy likes me when I call the guy goes. I don't want him here And I go bro, you got to have him. I won't go This is the type of friend I am and He took the fucking week. He goes, all right, I'll let him emcee So when you emcee after they pay you like 300 bucks, you know, and I explain to him I go, bro It's not a high paying fucking gig. I'm not making no money either But your money makes 300 hours. Do you really want to get on a plane with me? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I take him he does the shows about a month or two later. I'm hearing little things that he's mad at me That his parents are mad at me because his parents came to the show Because they felt they should have taken care of him better that he should have featured or something like that And I couldn't believe it because I found this out and I went up to him and I go, let me ask you a question When do you go on the road? He goes never and I go so I went up meant I made a call I found out something you had done from your past and making that call that you should have shed with me from the beginning But you didn't and I fought for you to get the job. Now you're talking bad about me That you didn't get paid enough or whatever. I didn't pay for your plane ticket or whatever the fuck

And I just stopped talking to him because I don't need that in my life. That's how people are Yeah, you know, like I always make that statement Some people want to go to heaven, but nobody wants to fucking die Like he just wanted me to fucking pop him on the road You know, I was making like fucking nothing 900 hours I'm you know, and I had to pay for my own plane ticket in those days a plane ticket was 200 fucking dollars No matter where you went. So I was after food and bills I was net make fucking 400 500 hours, but that's when county was Wednesday through Sunday

Yeah, you were there five days. You had to pay for your own fucking meals and shit so But just uh, just the thing that he had the same opportunities I had he could have written But here's a guy that another friend of ours does a show and he shows up dressed as a fucking I don't know what he dresses. I'm smoking cigarettes on stage To be cute or something like that. This isn't about being cute. There's about moving forward You know those people you want to be cute. Oh my god. Yeah, this is great So what did it make you feel better about yourself? It made me feel bad because

He's fucking got a day job. He's got a fucking night job. He's living in LA You don't come to LA. They got a fucking night job You come to LA to fucking work and put all that dumb shit aside Well, I want to watch in the wing wing and you can't watch the fucking wing. You got a comedy show You're a comedian. You understand me. There's a big difference. I uh Ralph, uh, whatever your fucking name is Ralphie. I'm sorry There's a big difference between the comedian a lot of the fucking people and the work ethic You follow me when you're a comedian you got to work all the fucking time

Because you got to assume the other guy's writing a joke The other guy's writing a joke that other guy is doing a study at the lab factory He's sitting at a coffee shop writing a fucking joke and you're sitting with your fucking feet up scratching your boy Look at me smoking say, yeah, it's you know, like a fucking jerk or so. I don't feel fucking bad I don't feel bad because you don't know how many times I've gotten through the fire. You ever look at breakdowns One of these days. I'm gonna show you a breakdown a breakdown is the list They put out every morning with all the movies and tv shows that are coming out. Yeah, so you got to go through 100 pages of The show about fat man character

You got to read all the characters and shit and at the end of all those characters You got to pick three of them and go back to that page and fill an envelope Then after you fill an envelope, you can't mail those in so you got to hand drop them That's how I got the longest yard. That's how I got taxi That's how I got a bunch of fucking movies. I hand dropped them off You understand me. Well, a lot of people don't fucking want to do that. No, like They don't want to fucking do that So

Yeah, I felt bad. I absolutely felt bad. I understand feeling bad for him, but I don't know why it made you feel bad about yourself Made me feel bad that he's fucking got a night job, Lee That he had the same opportunities that I had plus some Plus some he's younger than I am You know, I came here when I was long in the fucking tooth. I was 32 years old 33 years old when I got here, right? I've been here. What 13 16 fucking years and I'm 50 So it's 34 34. I was long in the fucking tooth. These guys got here when they were 20 22. They were good looking They were good looking. You know what I'm saying when you get here, you're fucking good looking. I wasn't good

I'm never fucking good looking I was never fucking good looking. Maybe when I was a fucking baby or something like that. So that's why it depresses me Because we all have opportunities and we all have to shut the fucking hole You got to jab the fucking hole dog and football right around you get that hole You ever see when they slow it up a little bit? How long does that hole open for when the two offensive liners less than a second less than a fucking second The hole goes like this and if that fucking guy's shoulders not in there hitting that fucking hole How fast does it close? Those are pros. You ever see it when they slow motion next time you watch football tonight?

Don't just sit there eating the fucking chips and the looked in fucking onion Shit that they give you fucking look at the slow motion and watch football watch how it's choreographed But watch how quick the holes open and then they fucking shut So sometimes they might open just a little bit and this guy might have just Just so the full back could go through and the running back could fucking follow We all watch that shit and it closes right back up because they don't even know their job is just to keep their fucking feet moving defensive liners So that's the same thing with life and that's the same thing with this fucking place You want to fuck around when you're doing comedy and measure going to hang out with your boys?

I understand but once you come here You got to put the fucking helmet on and put the fucking shit under your eyes It's a fucking game face and that's a lot of people who have never really comprehended. They've been mad at me for There's a fucking game face, bitch And this is all fine and dandy because I put your game face on you put your game face on when you eat pussy, right? You stretch that motherfucker your eyebrows go up and down and your tongue spits out You like one of those fucking devils same thing, man So, yes

I felt bad and I shouldn't fucking feel bad. What's up, police? I ain't you bad motherfucker pretty high two more days to christmas What are you high on? But you but you yeah, yeah, and you better get your son today It's gonna be 76 fucking degrees here in sunny Los angeles your dirty bits 70 fucking six degrees. I don't know why you eat edibles and then I give you edible so you can enjoy the goddamn day You don't get you don't eat an edible or you don't smoke pot to fall asleep only if you smoke an indica at night You smoke dope right now to go out in the sun and thank the sun to being out here

To giving you another fucking day of life when I get up on the one I put my feeling floor I touch my fucking head and I thank whoever the fuck is up there buddha Forgive me another fucking day and I go out in the sun. I look at the sun when I go out with my daughter I grab her sometimes in the morning. We just go out in the sun I tell her to thank the fucking son forgive me another goddamn day you bad motherfucker And forgive me heat and forgive me love And for giving it to me cocksucker. What I can't wait to see her walk I think that's gonna be fun. She's walking. What am I gonna do dog? You listen? You're raising the daughter

You know, you see these women walking around today, and they're all fucked up. They're all sucking dick You know psychologists and all these people online says because your dad never fucking hugged them Your dad's got to be a big part of I have a friend steven villa. I've stressed a thousand times. He's got two daughters of the princesses Why because they put the time in you know, steven villa I tried to invite him to the premiere, but he couldn't cut loose to come at five And when I told my wife I was inviting steve villa. She goes really I didn't know that and I go Yeah, steve villa showed up in my mother's wake and I've said this a thousand times steve villa from the past masters One of the best kids I've ever met in my life all around

But I know where he raised his child from You know, my mother made a lot of fucking mistakes raising me But the reason why people come up to me all the time and say you're real and all this shit because My mother inflicted in me those early years Yeah And how you had to be a friend and how you had to fucking be real And how you couldn't lie to for your friends and you only have the three or four friends in this world And you got to go to war with those people you got to go to war for them

And once they see that you go to war for them, they'll go to war for you You know, that's my inner belief and that's my my mother made a lot of mistakes My mother never put me in fucking daycare I can't sit here and look in the eyes say some guy stuck a finger up my fucking ass because it didn't fucking happen because my mother watched everybody My wife is a sweet lady, but sometimes she's soft I see my wife getting out of cars and she doesn't look both ways I see my wife trying to make a remark when people coming at it. You can't do that. You got to keep your eyes open Cubans call that shit comiendo mieda

That means you're eating shit. No come a tanta mieda. Look straight ahead. Don't worry about what the fuck the bird Look at that mountain. Who gives a fuck about the mountain? Look straight ahead There's ten Puerto Ricans coming your way and you're worried about a fucking mountain You understand me? So that's what my wife doesn't understand She doesn't understand that I grew up on 205 west 88th street I didn't learn how to fucking get down Till I started going up to 140 a street in broadway where one shot that motherfucker in the leg at the santeria party Why because it was a rough and tumble neighborhood. They weren't bad kids. They knew how to fucking make a living

They learned how to make a living all those things were instilled in me man. That's who I am today And with my daughter, you know, when you you ever fucking see these girls they date a guy and all of a sudden they like the team He likes the fuck is wrong with you. You got no fucking voice for yourself All right, and that's why I married terry Terry at least has a fucking voice Yeah, terry doesn't have a fucking tattoo Terry doesn't have to fucking go there. Terry doesn't have to fucking shop Terry's not into that shit. Terry lives by her own fucking whistle

Yeah, if you if you got coffee and a book and a good tv terry won't say a word to you and was she because Sitting with paul this weekend. She said something. She just looked at me. She said, you know, I'm not wedding around past Like three or four years or something Like it's there's like a wedding commercial on tv and she said that it's a joke But then you were with terry for like nine or ten years before you got married Like were you did he propose before then or was she just cool?

Like I like there must have been a lot of pressure for her. No, there was an understanding There was an understanding that I'd been married before and like I didn't believe in That paperwork But that was looking at it from one side the reason why I if you want to know the truth The reason why I married terry is I went for a santa rea reading with my guy And he was telling me that woman in your life. You have to marry her That one of the saints one of the female saints deities wants me to marry and I said fine I went I left there. I paid the man his money. I got on the fucking phone. I told the one of me getting married. I asked

And it was that quick because I wanted my wife I could just imagine how bad my wife felt going home in front of her family and not being married You know, every woman wants to be in love But everyone wants to be married even more Yeah, it gives them the solidity that they want and that makes my wife happy After all she's done for me I don't I didn't understand that You know, my wife will tell you when I showed up to live on my wife. I showed up with a bag

An army bag. There was no furniture. There was no tv. There was no stereo So he worked for everything and I always wanted that no woman I felt that my my my wife gave up too fast the one I was married to but I don't want to be married there anyway But that's what happens in society today. People just give the fuck up And if you talk to your parents if you talk to your grandparents, they fucking suffered Their relationship stayed longer because they suffered they put sweating together They really did and that's why they stayed married 48 fucking years And that's why after your grandmother died your grandfather died three fucking weeks later

Because they were connected at the hip because they worked for something together And that's what today america doesn't want to do if you meet a girl right now And she wants to not have kids and you want she fucking splits Once you get married you get married. I wasn't gonna support propose to terry ever again to get married You know why i'm a catholic And I had one shot at doing and I fucked it up I didn't want to be one of those guys that gets married every time his dick gets hard I got a friend on facebook. He's married five fucking times. Oh no in 15 years

You're a fucking loser. You can't offer somebody everything and once it's not there, you just want to split That's it. Once the fucking game don't work. You want to take your ball and go home? Yeah, no, it's when that's when it that's when it gets real That's when the relationship gets fucking real I was with terry fucking six years before I knew I was in love with it You know when I found out I was in love with it when I shot them on the shark And I was going to bed at two in the morning and getting up at four Coked up and I was going to shower to fucking

Wake up and when I came out of the shower my football uniform We're being on the couch with a sandwich for me to eat on the drive over there Oh, wow, you know, and that's when I realized this is fucking real. This chick's got my back You know, she's not with me because of fucking some dumb tv show She's with me because she's my partner. We're gonna do this shit together. We do this shit The old-fashioned way and that's that's where the success is between me and her That's why I look forward to going home. Yeah, that's why I don't work Sundays That's why I'm here monday tuesday and wednesday because I have to give her what she deserves

You know yesterday at one o'clock. There was nothing I wanted more in the world than to go to jujitsu My back was a little sore from doing uh, kettlebells for kettlebells on friday But I wanted to go to jujitsu But you know what I got monday through friday to go to jujitsu my sundays are for them And these are my own personal rules and these are the rules I didn't have when I first got married That's why I'm not married anymore You know, you asked me the other day about your day We discussed your day. Yeah your day your life has to have a lot of discipline and you have to understand what the people around you mean to you

And I'll make your day. I don't give a fuck if you get a notebook and you got to write it out What lee means to you what the agostino means to me what my wife means to me what these people mean to me And just to remind you of how you have to fucking act You know, I've always said that when I went to prison, I could have stayed in prison forever I would have done fine. I could have shot coke I could have got a typewriter. It wasn't those people if I went to prison today, lee, I'd worry about you I wouldn't want you to come see me really fuck. No, I don't want nobody to come see me What are you fucking crazy and embarrass you and because you're gonna feel bad

You're gonna feel how you failed You're gonna feel you're gonna go he's in there Not because he because I failed as a friend He shouldn't have done that. I should have been there that night with him. Why wasn't I with him that night? That's how you start thinking That's how you start thinking on the outside So if you if you're legit if you're a real friend, none of you are some jerk. Let's go visit jelly. Oh my god I've never been to a prison before

Fuck these motherfuckers lee lee. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you who I am impressed with like I said Listen guys, if you listen to most podcasts people have five to six sponsors, maybe seven fucking sponsors We kept it to three We really like on it. We really like dollar shave club. Even though we're not gonna have no more Hulu plus every time I see a commercial every time my wife goes to hulu plus and I look over I'm more and more impressed. They have A fucking hell of a collection of shows Too many people come up to me and said we saw you on brooklyn 99 on hulu plus really, you know, I'm happy that makes me

Yeah, so thank you very much for the people that support the hulu plus this year It's the same people that support us And all our fucking things. Thank you very much If you haven't experienced hulu plus yet, you're fucking slipping like lee you're slipping cock sucker You understand me you have to go to joey dears.net Go to the hulu plus banner you get two weeks complimentary on the arm We are more than welcome to look at every show and every movie and every original program They have to offer in those two weeks

If you don't like what you see in those two weeks fine We shake hands and we part friends But you're gonna love it you're gonna love it because you could live your life on your motherfucking terms in hulu press You can watch these shows when the fuck you want to go to joey dears.net You're gonna have tour schedules there After the new year the new t-shirts will be up and the hats and the patches But for right now, I don't give a fuck about that go to hulu plus dot com Sign up right now put your credit card. Whatever the fuck they want from you two weeks for free try everything out

I don't give a fuck if it comes with a finger that you could sit on and spit around do that Get your asshole work done after that. It's $7.99 a month. Okay, you can't beat that That's $96 a year for fucking entertainment You spend $96 when you come watch one of us assholes jump up and down with a bunch of us other asshole Now you got it all fucking here That's the name of the tour So please go to hulu plus dot com Support hulu plus support dollar shave club help on it out on and fucking take care of you and hulu plus is joey

For the code word is joey. Thank god that leasingly. Let's eat another fucking. No, thank you. What the fuck? I had one already first you got married because this had no edibles now i'm having edibles and it's not enough But you didn't eat enough you gotta eat another little bit No, i'm fucking deco monthly We're hopping here lea. We're hopping Fuck I love you lea. You're a good man. Are you gonna go to an England game in your home? No, fuck it's cold. It was cold last year when I went I was gonna bring it. I was trying to bring it to a Celtics game

Fucking the cheapest tickets like a hundred bucks now and they're bad again So like they should have lowered the prices, but fuck it. I'm not gonna do that. We're going to uh Not improv ticket to a nicer game We're the fucking basketball game is on like a nice restaurant where the game is on well do that But we're going to uh Have you ever heard of the show sheer madness? No, it's just like Not improv, but it's like kind of like a sketch and it's but they ask the audience like it's like a murder mystery thing And but it changes every night and I must I see I saw like two or three times like eight years ago

And I was howling laughing so i'm gonna go to that I'm gonna go to some restaurants with mom And her that that this is the first girl i'm really introducing to my mom so it's kind of It's scary dropping some fucking big eaters this trip. Are you living like a doctor when you get back cocksucker? I don't want to hear it no more for the first four weeks. You tell paul. It's over. We're going to work You're going to minneapolis with me. Oh cool. You're going to buffalo with me. Fuck you And then when we're back here, you're fucking working. We're doing the improv the 17th Tova for you in january. You're going back to work heavy duty. I love it. You you want to make money, right?

You got to do podcast fucking the agostino. You got Simone. You got rick ramas You got big shit happening in your fucking career now. I'm trying flying jew radio. Check it out. You've done three episodes That's right. And then the next jew is the fucking jewish tank of death radio But it's over once you come back jump up and down do it together You're gonna put the testicle testaments on payloads this week. You're doing some shit. He ain't fucking around no more Never for a while. He was on the couch rubbing his feet. I don't know what to do I'm gonna be doing that today. I'm gonna come over every no, you ain't doing that shit today You gotta work until this wears off. No, nothing's gonna wear off nothing. You're gonna do it while it's on

So you would live life with fucking beautiful day. It's a beautiful day to be alive with a chibochu You know how many people wish they had fucking a bag of chibochu? No, it is You have a bag of chibochu seen you sit on the couch. You don't get no fucking son You almost the last time you went to the beach. Ah, that's my fucking prong with you. That's it If I ever went to the beach and come down there and throw me in the ocean Well, if you're eating Mediterranean food this year, I'm giving you the blogging and we're gonna do flying juw world You're gonna start fucking going to the gym with this camera You're gonna show the people what the flying juw's days are about. They don't want to see you living

Maybe just once All right, I'm fucking crazy. I'm fucking crazy. I'm fucking you're fucking crazy. Coxuck. I'm crazy It's a beautiful day to be alive As usual cocksuckers. I I really hope uh, you got something out of the podcast It wasn't the funniest fucking podcast but At least we're here cracking some fucking funny for you the week of christmas. Like I said the other day I want the best for you guys for christmas, uh Spend it with your families hug mother fuckers love mother fuckers

But then 2000 fucking 14 were back and this year was stabbed mother fuckers as a network You understand me stabbing mother fuckers as a network. ABC has been around for 2000 years. They haven't stabbed nobody We at the church want to take what's coming to us We're gonna take what's coming to us no more fucking around when we wake up We're gonna look at the fucking flag grab our fucking nuts sniff our fingers and go out there We're gonna go to work and tell the boss. I'm working six hours today. I'm getting paid for it I love That's I used to love that when you tell that to me tell the boss you're coming in at 12

That's not really how it works. Tell him what you're gonna fucking do today cocksucker I ain't got no time to be coming in Nothing, it's just it's crazy. It's we like I was just looking at uh At our numbers the other night and we've done like we've had four million people Well, not people but four million downloads like this year Maybe closer to five And I can't believe that that happened from from me and you sitting outside the comedy club eating you eating juju bees

and and and doing that and then like you said like last night like 10 people bought the documentary and we're just talking about it. Uh It's crazy. We did that and then to think that five we let people listen to over a hundred episodes of this is just No, no, no, thank you. Thank you for uh putting this in your life and helping us out and Getting something from the podcast. I do not know If this is the last podcast of the year depending on the wednesday night how we do With the premiere remember that's at the lemley theater

720 we're all gonna meet about a quarter to seven get fucking stoned to the gills New year's eve the cd comes out. You can't eat pussy with asthma on itunes and on payloads payloads I'll probably have a couple days before that So check the payloads just to get a quick steal payloads. It'll just be five dollars flat No equal tracks itunes will have everything for seven ninety nine And also new year's eve. I'm at the motherfucking uh, john love. It's comedy club eight o'clock show If you want to stay for the dj afterward you pay for and you can jump up and down and dance If not, you go home and give your wife the high hard one and do what you need to do

Go to john love it dot com go to the web page Click on to fucking joey d's new year's extravaganza The only sadness I have is that my brother lee won't be here But fuck it. We'll be talking on the phone on stage and shit. Fuck. Yeah No, uh, if you see me in boston or new york this next couple weeks come say hi And you're going to new york when the first through the third are you taking the bus down? Yeah, beautiful two hour bus. You can squeeze the titties We talked about doing something on the plane was doing the red eye

You thought you were gonna take her in the bathroom No, she doesn't like bathrooms. I've never done anything like that. I've never done anything like out in public And I like I was talking about it the other day. I was like, maybe we could go to like a Starbucks or like like one of those bigger bathrooms. She's like, I don't like bathrooms So I'll bring a blanket on the plane or something to see if I can get the hand job or something You're the fucking disgusting, you know that you really are you love this girl and you want to bang around the plane What type of savage are you? That's why I love you because you're the last to a real fucking juice Do you ever do that on the plane? One of your uncles stabbed jesus in the foot. I'm telling you

He stuck that beam through his fucking ankle. They were fucking nobody in the plane now I think I fooled around on my honeymoon my first wife on the plane that was disgusting and that was it You know, have you ever seen it? Like do you have plane stories? No, are you ever usually too high to to like notice what what's going on with other people? No, you know when I was uh, when I was smuggling coke and 87 One time I got all fucked up one night and I got on the plane and I can't sat next to this young lanny And I started talking to her for some reason dawg. I started fingering this chick on the plane The nanny disgusting. Yeah, she was hot

Oh my god, and uh, she was hot. I always think about that if it was wrong. I don't even know what happened I can't think about what happened. So Then I met another girl on the plane 85 and we kind of spent the night together But that was it nothing crazy. I'm no fucking love master. I'm an ugly dude. I got no fucking game You know saying I barely got my wife It's crazy when we're out and like you you tell me to say these things to girls Like guys when he says tell a girl that you want to sniff her asshole It's not a joke. He goes out and says it to like a random girl and I've never seen like I saw one in san jose

I get mad the girl walking by like when eddy bravo was there and she just was like And then he yelled at her for 20 minutes You you ugly motherfucker You're out with losers. Anyways, but like 99.9% of like the waitresses at the clubs It's just it's crazy that like women react to it last night. I was walking on stage and vinnie was shawna was at the He said doi got this girl here to try and be fucking crazy. She's my cousin's cousin So she's kind of related to me. I go no, you know, you could fuck her And when she came on she sat there and she was all being drunk and goofy and I kept saying listen

This guy wants to take your woman like your ass on the fire It was like I wanted to women wanted to They want you to say shit to them to get them fucking going. What woman wants you to say? Let's call them make love That's fucking fagotry You look at her face. You look at a woman go tonight. I'm gonna eat your fucking asshole She's gonna think what the fuck am I? Who am I dealing with here? Where did I bump into this fucking vampire? I'm feeling that cheapo. It's gonna get nice. Yeah, me too

I'm gonna go to the gym and throw those fucking kettlebells around like they owe me 20 bucks Merry christmas to you and your families. Uh, I really love you guys You know what in my heart and in my voice that this is not just some fucking podcast We're a fucking family. I love you guys. I want you to have a merry christmas And if we don't talk on fucking thursday email me At joeydears.net, you know, I answer the fucking emails. I love you guys with all my heart. I'm not here to fucking Sabotage you. I'm not here to fucking preach to you. I'm here. So you fucking take something from this, you know Be the best that you can be they got us all fucking scared

And they got us all fucking figured out But they really don't because they don't know what the fuck we got planned for them motherfuckers. You understand me? You know, it's like it's like bronx tail When the fucking bike has come to the bar and then fucking chas turns around and goes now you can't leave Are you fucking kidding me? And that's the way we got a plan all day. I love you guys Merry christmas and happy new year if we don't see you. We'll see your grudge mats Don't forget about the cd and we'll see you bright narrowly fucking january ready to sling dick and let more the fuckers know

We ain't fucking around. I love you What we what you know, I hope I hope people really come and get tickets early for grudge match Like we're not making money off of this because we're just going to a movie theater And how cool would it be? Like to have 300 people in a theater And we don't want like the one weird family who's in there to be like Oh, they're they're laughing and someone let a joint like how cool would it be if like they're I don't know We're gonna even sing christmas carols afterward. You think they're fucking with you

We're all gonna get on like to shim and sing silent night like we didn't fucking uh national last week He's saying silent night national show It's on youtube. Oh, that's cool. We sang fucking silent night in Nashville We're gonna get together as a fucking network as a fucking family and go to a movie together And it's uh, it breaks my heart. It breaks my fucking heart I'm gonna be with all you guys because it's a it's a great feeling for me It's a great the movie. So whatever the fuck you decide on It's about movement. It's about fucking that we did it. We shoved it up somebody's ass

So if I did it, I'm a fucking loser. You could do it, motherfucker. Stay black See you thursday wednesday night at the fucking grudge match. If not, I love you guys. Merry christmas Now that the show's over don't forget it ain't over It's never over it's never over now that the show's taking a break Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus Hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus dot com slash joey Or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner

And don't forget to sign up for dollar shape club dot com You get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail Go to dollar shape club dot com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shape club banner Oh Shit your tongue ever get too big for your mouth when you're talking when you're high that just happened Why are you bothering me for? Your tongue's getting big because you haven't happened up big for it. You know the cheapo Oh

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