Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 12/24/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #42

Episode Date: December 25, 2012

No guests today. Joey and Lee solo on the last Church of the year. Thank you very much for an amazing start and we'll be back strong in 2013! This podcast is brough to you by Onnit.com Use the Promo code CHURCH for a discount. Streamed live on 12/24/2012

Oh shit. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. All that shit. Happy Hanukkah. Kickingly. That's fucking Led Zeppelin. Never fucking distance like this. It's a beautiful day to be alive in church. What's happened now? Christmas Eve 2012. Thank you. Thank you very much for joining us today. I know you're home, you're sitting there, you're going, Joe, you were supposed to go this morning. Why wake up at six? Ain't nobody going to fucking work. You know what I'm saying? You're not going to go to work. What am I going to get you up for? Even Lee. Fucking geniously. How about a big round of applause for the flying Jew this year putting it together? No. He didn't take another fart to the face last night. He's

on the way through. He comes back from Boston and then the fucking thing is on here. But I'm happy you guys are joining us today. I'm stone to the gills. Lee's stone to the gills. Yeah, this is going to be interesting. It's Christmas Eve. We got nobody fucking calling. We had somebody calling this morning, but we switched it to nine o'clock because like we said, nobody was fucking working today. If we would have had it at six, we would have had four people watching, whatever. But fucking, we're here. Merry Christmas to you, motherfuckers. Hit it, Lee. Hit what? I want to be around. Where you at, Lee? What the fuck? You over there drinking soda? We get high. We got stoned this morning. I totally not the fuck rising. No, let's get high. Let's get

high. Look what happened. Hit it, Lee. A little something. Oh, yeah. You like this little piano? There you go. That's how we do it. We're not going to be on the air until like January 4th or 5th. So, Lee, kick that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? You can't really kick Tony Bennett. Kick that motherfucker. Kick Tony Bennett. He's fucking 80. He's got one foot in the grave, but not for you. Sometimes you got to kick these old motherfuckers and put them inside. So that's it, brother. We work hard all year for fucking Christmas Eve. It's nine in the morning here at 12.05 on the East Coast. Welcome. Hope you got all your Christmas shopping done. Maybe you're broke. Maybe you didn't have money to shop, but it's Christmas. You know what? You don't need

money on fucking Christmas. You never do. Don't ever feel bad because things are going, many fucking Christmases. I was flat broke and I had great times with people. It's Christmas, bro. It's fucking Christmas. So, please, don't feel bad today. You had a bad year. You're in a bad rut. You're still a bad motherfucker. Tell them, Lee, you know what I'm saying? You cocked such a shit. We had a great year this year over here at the church. Thank you for letting us fucking start this little thing with you guys. We're going to talk about music today. We'll talk about the UFC. We'll talk about football yesterday. I told you it wasn't going to cover the Giants. See, have you ever met the Giants yesterday? No, the Giants aren't going to lose three in a fucking row. They're in trouble, but you know what

about the Giants? They show up when they have to. Are they still in it though? Yeah, they'll get like a bye or something and then they'll blow up the bye. They'll beat somebody else. Then they'll beat up on the England like they usually do when it's over. You'll be sitting there with a towel on your head with two stakes on your eyes, crying, tissues everywhere and shit, putting the fucking Juma Luke That's just how I season stakes. Is there a Juma Luke? I have probably probably put like a fucking bad luck. But let's say you're watching. Remember when we went to see Barone when we did the documentary when we went to see Barone? And Barone was my sixth grade, seventh grade teacher when I got left back. So I had him the seventh

grade the second time, but I became friends with him. I really loved Barone. But he said when we were kids because he hated the fucking Yankees. He was such a Boston Red Sox man. You saw that too. You know, we all grew up together, but he's a big time Boston Red Sox man. And he goes, he would sit there at night with his Italian horn. And every time fucking Reggie Jackson would slide, he'd put the malooka on him. Slide, break your fucking neck, cock sucker. I don't think there is in regular Judaism, but maybe in the Kabbalah, like that thing, all the celebrities do, the mysticism. I wouldn't be surprised, but You're not into the Kabbalah? I'm not into anything, but no, that's even too weird.

That's kind of like Christian science or something. Is? It's not really Jewish stuff to Kabbalah? I don't think, I don't know anything about it, so I can't judge you. Anything that Madonna is wearing a red wristband for doesn't seem that good. I just don't understand when people switch governments like that kind of thing. I never understood that. You know what, you're not happy with Catholicism, you switch government. But Donna switched governments like 18 times. So she doesn't really becomes a Kabbalah expert. And next, you know, we have 15 fucking black belts in Kabbalah and nobody's fucking confused.

I'm going out the same way I came in this motherfucker. A fucking Catholic Cuban Jew. Fuck it. That's how I'm going out. You know what I'm saying? With a crucifix on a yarmulke. That's not how you're running. Go fuck your mother up the ass. You know what I'm saying? A crucifix and a fucking yarmulke. Because I do the Jeet Kune Do religion. I've told you a thousand times. I've told you fucking people at home too. I'm a highly. Yeah, me too. After this we're gonna get steak and egg somewhere. We'll call Duncan. Bert's gonna have a little thing play this afternoon. Maybe we'll take you over there.

All right. You know, we got a couple places to go. It's tough to plan a fucking Christmas when you got a wife that's pregnant. And you know, she's right there. She's right there. Oh, yeah. You know, we can't even put the tree up because the cats attack it. Oh, really? Oh, fucking Demi will be hanging off the fire. I love it. I love it. That YouTube video would go viral in eight seconds.

Oh, he goes. You yelling at them, not even on camera. And then just follow up. They do it every year. Oh, every fucking year. It's a good idea. They're fucking the camera goes down to the balls, the gifts. This is quick. You have to do this. You have to do this. Was I telling you the other day about what I got? You know, I don't know if you guys know this. I'm getting ready. Have a kid. I'm getting ready. And this is a better condition than when I had the first time. I had a child 20 years ago. She's 23 right now. Her name is Jack. Her name is Jacqueline Diaz, but I'm a country mother

switched at the ball. And we haven't talked in about 10 years. We just, you know, we went to the wayside. So this is like a second chance for me. But when I was in the halfway house, when Alexander Ray called a couple of weeks ago, I, you know, I was selling Coke in the halfway house. So I would test positive. I don't know if you know this. So what they do is at that time, I had a great attorney. So he would go to court and he fight them under the probation revoke, which means you go back to prison. So one of the things he did was to put me back in the halfway house, but the deal was I had to go back for 90 fucking days and my wife at the time. I mean, you know, the marriage was over in the beginning, but this is what really killed the marriage was

the trust, which he was pregnant. I wasn't there for. And I was in that they put me in the halfway house for three fucking months, three months. So I would have to get up at six, walk to the house, walk. They didn't know I had a car because they took my driving privileges that time. So I would hide a car like underweeds, like camouflage, like a doomsday prepper and fucking go to her house, you know, I live my house with her and I'd be with her in the morning. And then I'd have to go to my job. So it was just a disaster. But the release date was February 2nd, which was a Friday. And when she picked me up, it was a cloudy day like today. And I'm like, no big deal. We went like a 12 o'clock. They released me like a 11th and a half way out.

So she had to come get me with the clothes and stuff. And they took me to this Cajun restaurant. Her and I went to these Cajun blue seals and bold, the fucking delicious. There was only open for breakfast and lunch. They had bay nets and they had fucking. Yeah, what's Cajun food? Cajun breakfast is like two eggs with red fish and sausage. I think it's red fish. I don't fucking even know. It's like two eggs with fucking this Cajun sausage potatoes and bay nets, which is like a fucking biscuit, I guess. I'll be in New Orleans in March with the fucking fire department down there smoking dope. You guys will be putting me on fire. I'll be like myself. I'm fired on there in New Orleans. But so they let me out on a Friday. Okay. And I went with Kathy was a name

and went through the seals and we had the bay nets and the fucking breakfast. And we went back to the house. I had to be about three in the afternoon and we fell asleep. I mean, I fucking pass out. I had been, you know, living in this halfway house for three months. My hours, it was a cloudy day and dog. We fell asleep from three in the afternoon straight till like six the next morning. Oh, my water broke. And I get up and I open the door and there's 18 inches of fucking snow because this is bold. You know, it's snowed all week long. Did you hear about all the weather conditions across the country? People getting caught. Did you hear about that? Did you watch the never game yesterday? A little bit of it? Yeah. You see any snow? No, no, because it comes and

goes. You could be one minute. You're outside your bathing suits weren't twisting to all of these. It's fucking 60 degrees in December. And next thing you got a foot and a half of snow. The last December I was dead 94. They got like, I don't know how many fucking inches of snow in Christmas Day was 60 degrees. People outside with t-shirts and fucking shorts. That's bolder. Boulder gets as much sunlight as Hawaii every year. A lot of people don't know that. So it's like the East Coast except you get a foot more than you are. Fuck the East Coast. These coasts is cold. Boulder's warm. So I walk out of the house and I see this fucking snow storm and I'm like, Jesus Christ. And my car was buried and it was right in front of the house. And we lived, I had a condo. And I had

at this time I was renting the downstairs condo. This is when I first got out of prison and the whole thing. I ended up buying a condo in that same community a couple of doors down that was a two floor. This one was a downstairs. And at the time we had a guy upstairs that reminded me of Mark Chapman. He was a beard. He had a dog and he would walk around all night yelling. Like I would wake up in the middle. I'd be doing below myself and I'd hear him and I'd go, what the fuck is this guy doing? You know, he was, he wouldn't say hello to us a good morning. So whatever. So I'm out of the fucking halfway house. I got the two families, you know, I'm under suspicion for theft of a thousand things. They still got me for credit card fraud. I'm up in the air. You know, I'm slinging coke.

I got a wife that's pregnant. I got a thousand things going on. And I got this fucking move. Now my wife's having a baby and my car is fucking covered in snow. So I come out and I shovel the fucking my spot out and I take the car out. And I go to pull the car over and I see him walking down the stairs. Meanwhile, my wife is inside. Like I hear the doors open. Like I hear her going, oh, oh, hurry up. My wallet breaking. I'm having contractions. One of the neighbors, because we live in white America called the cops because they thought it was domestic violence. It wasn't domestic violence. She was yelling about the baby, you know, but I appreciate that she called just in case somebody was beating my fucking wife at the time. Yeah, I'm outside. I see this guy run

down the stairs and he goes to get his car and pulls it into my truck. I see him come on. I start the car and I'm going over and I'm like, what are you doing? He goes going in my spot. I go, that's not your spot guy. I just show you can show the your own spot. He goes, fuck you. Make a guy get out of the way and I go to pull my car and he spins at the car or something. And I get out of the fucking car Lee and I pull this motherfucker out of the car and I start pounding. Oh, you have to. I'm still crazy. I'm still crazy. I don't give a fuck about prison. I don't give a fuck about parole. I don't give a fuck about the kid, the wife. I'm the fuck this guy up. That's when I was just in my mind making a point. I pulled him out of the car and beat him and I'm hitting

him. It's snowy out to a slippery. This motherfucker pushes me and gets the best of me. He's on top of me, pounding me, but I can taste the blood out. Something happened. We flipped over and I got him and I started clicking him, clicking on the eyebrows and shit and I'm punching him. And I look up Lee and there's two cop cars coming at me with their lights on. Oh no. I just got out of the fucking halfway house. I got the felonies. This is not going to be good. With that, these motherfuckers get up, they break us up. I know one of the cops. There's like five cops there and I know one of them. And the one cop says, you know, listen, I go, listen, I'm trying to take my wife to the fucking house, but she's in labor and they go in, they check it out and they

go, that's a domestic violence call. It's no fucking domestic, but these people are just stupid. Both of them are dumb like that. They're the smartest people in the world. Next thing you know, the cop's like, all right, what are we going to do about this situation? The cop's like, we don't want to take you guys in. I'm like, oh, thank God. They want to charge you with assault. I just got out of plus, you know, when I was out on kidnap and I got picked up the choplifting and I fucking had to give him a fake name. Oh yeah. You told anyone you went the whole entire process as the whole process is a fake and fake name. So and now when I go see my police report, I'll say AKA that person because after they process it, they send your fingerprints. You know,

it's the process is so slow in those days 30 years ago. Now you go like this and that goes right to fucking NCIC and they give you whatever the fuck you do the whole life. But this is my MB Leaf girl, you sexy motherfucker. Lee's going to see you in two days, right? Two, three days. I'm from next Sunday. Sunday. You're going to go to a football game and everything's going to be beautiful. So what happened? So the cops do one of the cops fucking break us up and they go, all right, look, we'll let you guys go. All right. Shake hands. The guy looks at the cop and he goes, I ain't shaking this motherfucker's hand. The cop looks at him and he goes, listen, you weren't doing too good when we got here. We'll just let this motherfucker loose on you again.

The guy's like, all right, shake his hand. And he shook my hand and the cops got in front of me and I had a cop behind me and they escorted me to the house. Oh, shit. That's not going to happen this time. No, no, no. But for people who don't understand, who don't live with its nose, that shoveling you out was like 20, 30 minutes of hard work. And he didn't even wait till you left. He's like, oh, shit, I'll get it right now. Oh, this guy was creepy. He was a creepy motherfucker. People do worse for that. So this is different. I'm looking forward to this. When I first had the kid with Kathy, I was fucking crazy. I got married for the world. I got married for laundry and free cooking. I didn't get married because I was in love. You don't love nobody,

what love. I was a fucking, I was just trying to fucking love myself at that time. And it was just, I remember being at the hospital, giving birth and going, I don't want to be, I had a term paper due. I was in college at the time, full time. Oh my God, I got a fucking term paper due. I'm going to sit here all day and wait for this. But I was like, why are you the fuck up? So I understood when we got divorced, I understood that there must have been a lot of anger because I was a fucking straight up asshole when I had that kid. I wasn't ready. You know, you're never ready for something like that, especially where I had come from at the time and what was going on. And that's it, Lee. What about New England? What the fuck do they stay at

cop sucker? It's actually kind of, because Houston lost and we already beat Denver. So for the entire AFC, the top three or four seats, it depends on who wins next week. Because if Houston or Denver lose, then we move up a spot. But I was surprised. Pitts worked out of it since he made the playoffs second year with Andy Dalton. That's pretty exciting. That's pretty hard to be exciting. You always need somebody to go up there and take it to the end. Then they go to like fucking Freezerville and they get beat up. But that's the city. It's cold there anyway. Yeah. So they're fucking used to it. You follow me. So and then I feel bad. I mean, I feel like it's time anyways, but I feel bad for Andy Reed, because I feel like he's a good coach in Philadelphia. Yeah,

he's a terrible coach. It's time. You don't think so. It's time to go. He's got held down there to control. He's got held down there. He's got to start from scratch. Suppose he's on his way to San Diego. Oh, they're going to get rid of the charge of coaches in San Diego. And, you know, these guys, once they start losing, they fucking know you just can't regain it. The magic hasn't been there. He's had a great team for years. Listen, I never thought he was going to win a championship with or whatever. That's the NFC East, bro. That's that's how that's the NFC East. That's fucking hell. That's always been down and dirty type football. They poke your eyes and they kick in the fucking nuts. You know, it's like having Romanowski around. That's the real

fucking deal. But we try our best. Who else? Who else is going up? What happened last night with San Fran and Seattle? When that game? Seattle killed them. They're going to be the Patriots lost to Seattle before they got this good, but they've scored like, oh, I think close to like 150 points in the past three games. This is the time of the year where I pay a little bit of attention, because this is the money time of the year. The playoffs, if you're looking to gamble, the playoffs are pretty true to fucking form. You just got to watch it, maybe hit some totals or something like that. But I like the playoffs. This is the time of the year when I got, you know, the whole fucking football season, guys, I'm not going to sit here and watch every fucking game

and be Johnny Analyst in December. I can't do it. I got shit to fucking do. But I can, you know, I can feel my way around. Yeah. We've been, we've been giving you bad picks until now, just so we can slam you with the good picks. Yeah, that's this year. That's why they call it gambling. Okay, that's what, that's what I tell people all the time. That's why when you gamble, you got to be very, very, very fucking prepared, prepared. I am not that prepared. I go by lines. Yeah. I grew up going by lines and what's going on this week and last week and you play that. And if you go fucking six out of 10, you're in good shape. You got fucking whatever net winners and you are. There's a reason why Vegas is as big as it is because. And that's why I love

when people say to me, bro, I went to Vegas eight weeks in a row and I beat them. I went 10 for 10 last week. That's great. You're killing me. You're killing me. No, not even fucking. And watch tomorrow I'll get picks. I went eight for eight. Then they sent me their picks for the next week that I never hear from them again. Yeah. When they go, oh, and fucking eight. We have a hard time picking one or two fucking games. You're going to pick eight. Come on, huh? I know your grandmother with the malookia and the glass eye. She picks eight. I know. But let me see her do it every week when the fucking pressure's on. When you got to call the book and put 100 grand down. Then you fucking come back and talk to me. I know fucking people who bet for it. My buddy,

the guy who, he talked to Steve Simone, that story about me, Steve Simone. And Dice went when the guy was giving us money. RJ, that guy was a professional gambler. He made six million one year. I don't talk to him no more because he got kind of stupid. RJ was the type of guy that would go up to a woman on the street and just buy a car. I mean, he bought Dice and SVU and SUV whatever on a Cadillac. This is 10 years ago. It was me, Bobby Lee, Dice and Jim Norton, and Steve Simone as the bad boys of comedy in Vegas at the Riviera. And we met this guy, RJ, who paid the valet $3,000 to put his name under the, you know how you go to a hotel and you see like performing tonight, let's say. Yes, he did to put RJ in little fucking letters. He's crazy.

This guy gave me $3,000. He gave Steve Simone $3,000. He bought Dice and Escalade. I would call him for a year and say, Hey, you know, I need $500 for this. Can you lend it to me? He go, come get it. I don't have to put up with the fucking earbeat. But the guy was crazy. You know what? The guy would walk into a strip club in the afternoon. He would get up at 11. He lives in Santa Monica in that building where Britney Spears lived. The new port overlooking the water. This is a professional gamble, bitch. So unless you're doing this, you come fucking tell some of the other stories. This guy was living on Santa Monica by the pier. He was buying people. He would go to that restaurant. He was telling me, when they had been him at the restaurant, he goes,

you just missed that. Just bought Tom Hanks lunch. He would just send bottles over to people. That's how much money. And they fucking shut them off from all these hotels in Vegas. But at this one place, the Bellagio, we'll get Bobby Leon and we'll tell Bobby Leo Steve Simone to tell the stories of how the guy would go in there to be an armed guard. They take him into a private thing. Me, Dice, Steve Simone, Dice's bodyguard at the time. And they fucking, like you know, they bring like a little thing with chips in it. And he's got $3 million in there that belonged to his. It was his house account. He would play for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, win $60,000, take us all out to dinner and give us two, three grand a piece. And I go home. I call for a fucking grandma

blow and go to my room and look out windows in Vegas. But he saved one fucking Christmas. He saved this man. So it's amazing, the fucking beeper you'd be. But that guy, I knew professional gambling was way before I got into that. But he was the first one that did a spectrum. Like 2020, he was going to do a show about him. He had this way of counting the fucking cards. I can't even describe it. But he, you know, I'm Sepulveda and Ventura, you get off the four or five, there's a tall building on the corner. He owed that. He was fucking on that from fucking gambling. What's up? Somebody's calling us. No, I want to give a shout out to Death Squad, Kentucky in the fucking house. They got them doing it over there over fucking Death Squad growing their own weed

over there in Kentucky. Let's give some shout outs to these motherfuckers today before I get too high. You know what I'm saying? I'm already there. Mikey Newton. I love you, Coxucker. Death Squad, Kentucky. Teddy Cross. Get your shit together. Rodrigo in London. I love you, you fuck. Merry Christmas, you Spanish motherfucker. King James, 1978. Jonathan Morello. Death Squad, Oregon up there growing weed, making it happen. Dan, something the author. Jack Bradshaw, Pro MMA. I love you, Coxucker. Monty Hawkins, you know, you're always there. And Dave Wilder, one of the best. These guys have been around for a while, always there laying some fucking knowledge on me. You know, Neelia Samuels, that fucking badass Jew. I love fucking Neelius. He's always got

something to say about somebody. He writes the dirtiest tweets to me. Oh my God, Louis Alvarado, the bad motherfucker down there in San Diego. I love you guys and what you've done this year for me and you've helped me out a lot. The show with Ari was great last night. I was gonna have Ari call. Ari's a funny fucking guy. He's yeah. And it's for people like his CD just came out. So I heard it a few months ago whenever it came out. What he did last night was so much better. And then that's not the CD. The CD is great. But it's a good I before, but even before I met you, I wrote to you and I wanted to work because I love stand up. Like I just love going to it. And he was, he was hilarious last night and it was a hot like 80 degrees in the room. I got to

and no one left. It was like two hours and it was just it was awesome. Yeah, Ari's a funny guy. You know, like I said, I've known Ari for a long fucking time. So when he called you, he's leaving for New York today, correct? Probably around that. I think he's taping your CD this week. He is. I'll post it on Twitter and let you guys know. He said he sold it out, but then they're doing a standing room only for some reason. It's at the knitting factory in Brooklyn. That's right. That's right. That's right. I don't remember the day. But he the show we saw last night was that show. So if you can make it to Brooklyn or when it comes out on DVD, the website that's doing it, it's chill. It's they're doing his

and Maria Bamford. So that's pretty they're doing two specials in the year. That's pretty awesome. So Maria Bamford, that's the one she did her living room. Yeah, that's why they did that special. She did. Yeah, they did that one. And Ari already said on this podcast, they're doing his. And yeah, I saw the trailer for hers. And when I first heard it, it sounds kind of goofy, but she has a weird kind of style. So maybe it'll work. We wish our luck here at the church of what's happened now. If you're a comic out there doing your thing, we know the fucking struggle. We know it's fucking hard. But you know what? I can't even imagine doing it. You could do it. Right now is a great time because you could do

whatever the fuck you want. As long as you got this goddamn computer, you have thoughts in your mind, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You know, you could start a Twitter page and sell t-shirts on it if you really, really wanted to, with whatever you want to do. Listen, if you you know that interview that we did last week with the lady, you know, from the weed store. I can't remember now. I was going to say Marie Canada's Auntie Delores. She fucking had a move fucked me up yesterday. Yesterday I think I had one of the mint things. She says it's 55 milligrams, but it killed me. I was fucking high last night at that. Oh, you were? Oh, I went to the Y yesterday and I went to the Y and maybe just I had him ride

ridden the bike and my knee gets jammed up still after the surgery. And plus I got it hoped I'm riding the bike. I haven't ridden the bike. I just been going to this class and kicking pads and getting hit in the fucking face. I cut my lip a kickbox and I was bleeding the other day. But what are we talking about? Oh, so I ate this fucking animal when I went to the gym and I must have kicked it off on that bike. I rode the bike for like 45 minutes. I ended up staying at the gym. I got to the gym at 315 and I walked out of the gym at five. Holy shit. I was fucking sore last night and I met those guys and I wasn't going to eat anything. I met them late because I was answering back all the emails I get on joeycocodias.net. So, you know, before the holidays when people

wake up, my mother says, I try to do that every Sunday just once a week and I was upset because people hit me up for a birthday request on the 21st and I missed a bunch of people. So, if I missed your birthday this week, happy birthday, cocksuckers. You know, I love you. I ain't got time to be fucking going through those emails every day. You got a lot of them, you know. But it was fun last night. It was fun to do that with Ari. Ari's a good man. I love him and we had Duncan on the day. You know, there's that, I've known these guys way before Dead Squad and Joe called last night at 11 to tell me that the end of the world show that he's been walking around on the cloud, which was a very good show. You know, it was great being there. It was great to

be a part of it. Just the people. I knew the world wasn't going to end for you fucking momos and we're jumping up and down with chicken heads and shit. That world ain't fucking going nowhere. Yeah. No, that was a great show. That was a great show. You were there. You had a good time. You were scared. You didn't want to check the fart in your face. That's all over. We're going to get some chicken for you. I got a couple of dates coming up. I'm in January 17th. I'm at the Irvine Improv in February 7th. I'm at the San Jose Improv February 2nd or 1st and 2nd. I think I'm up there in Columbus. Funny bone, motherfuckers. So get your fucking tickets started early and stuff like that. Yesterday, Danny Biancullo called me. He was talking about some of the best summers he had.

Yeah. It was 1982. It's funny because I talked to Lee Wendell and he'll leave one of the testicle testaments. I want to do is about 1982 and I didn't like it. I didn't really like how it came out. I didn't write it out completely. I didn't really get to the quote but to walk. It was one of those summers where everything you go for happens. Like I said, I started November of that year. I quit school and I went back to high school that November. From that November till today, I've made a living. I don't know how I've done it. That November. Because before that, I quit school because I had a job at Masbach Warehouse. Masbach used to be like a hardware chain warehouse and I got a job stocking trucks, stocking shelves from 10 to 6 and then the

opposition opened up loading trucks. They would pay 18 bucks an hour and I would work nights. And on Fridays, I'd work one hour and get paid for eight hours. It was a great job. And when you're in high school and you have nothing, you don't have parents and you should like that. I feel I took a chance. But once they, I got in trouble because I ate something and then I got sick. So they fired me and that's when I snapped. Once they fired me, that was just my excuse to go crazy. I started selling coke. I started ripping off fucking houses and drug deals and it was amazing how everything worked out into place. But that July of 81, did you hear my stomach? That was a nice big growl. I thought that was the wind. No, that was no fucking wind. There's no wind.

It's raining. I was dicksy out today out there in fucking Florida. We'll see you in February. I had always been into music. I had been into music since like the early 70s. Since the time I came from Cuba, I wasn't into black music, James Brown and all that shit. And I always liked the doors. My mother was a big doors fan, so she always had the doors at the bar. And obviously, I listened to I Wanna Be Around and all that shit, different Sinatra, different realms. But one of the realms that I showed up late to the dance was rock music. You know, I liked Spanish music and everything. Rock, I got into later on. Like when I was like maybe ten, that was the latest stuff. And right away I navigated to like Crosby Stills and Nash,

and I liked Fleetwood Mack, and I liked older music, not with the kids my age. I really like Steely Dan and all that stuff. But I got into Led Zeppelin, like we all do in Black Sabbath. And my freshman year, I got turned down to Judas Priest by Steve Runney, turned me on to Unleast and East, which is a great live album. They don't even make live albums today. If you're 20 or 30 today, you haven't never seen a fucking good live album. They don't make them. You know, it's amazing to see your band. You know, now you go see these bands. They don't even sound like the people you're fucking here on. But in July of 81, Judas Priest, every year, starting in 80 with British Steel. And the first time I seen Judas Priest was November of 79 on the Help Meant for Leather Tour.

And they would always bring a great opener. I forgot who they opened that yet. But the second time I seen them in 80, I forgot who they brought, to be honest, I can find out. But in 81, I saw them that July, and they brought this band, Def Leppin. And I would never listen to the opening bands. We always in our mind calculated that they were going to come out at 8.45, 8.30, the main headliner. So we would always skip through the fucking opening band. Yeah. And I went to see this fucking band, and it was Def Leppin. We got there early. And you know, that's why I wanted Louis Castellito and Kurt DeLaranzo to call. That's why I was so

upset with Louis Castellito, you know, spaced out and didn't call last week because I wanted him to tell those stories about those. When we used to go to the Palladium in New York City, there was a show on this documentary on showtime lately called Limelight. And it talks about all the discos and clubs in New York City and the drugs and all that shit. And we were big Palladium guys. Later on, Palladium became to be Club MTV. You weren't even born yet. This is when MTV went from music videos to a dance format. This is like 1985, 86, 87. But the Palladium was our spot. And at the time when Judas Priest came, I forget what album they were touring, but I definitely know that Def Leppin was touring on through the night. But they played a couple songs from this

album, High and Dry. And the album came out. And what a lot of people don't know is that was like one of the longest lasting albums of all time. If I look at my favorite fucking albums, you know, Led Zeppelin, two, Emerson Lake and Palmer, Pink Floyd, Animals, The Beatles, Revolver, you know, Pantera, fucking, you know, if I look at all my favorite fucking albums from people, a lot of people don't like Def Leppin. Let me tell you something. The first three Def Leppin albums were brilliant. But nothing, nothing destroyed me like fucking High and Dry. Nothing has ever destroyed me like High and Dry. High and Dry was one of the longest lasting albums on the chart. High and Dry came out like in July. But in December, it was still alive. And nobody knew

who this album was. I knew who the album was, because I had seen them. It's got, you know, Saturday Night. Let it go and fucking, you know, what's the second song on the first side? I have to let it go. Another hit at Run. Another hit at And Run. I'll tell you where to speed it up from. This is a great fucking album if you've never heard it. And you're looking at me going Joey, Def Leppin, Tom Lates, go fuck yourself. You know, if I'm at a party, I don't need to impress nobody. This is the album I throw on. Listen to these fucking guitars. And this is the one Pete Willis's Last Album, the country played before he got replaced by, uh, whatever, this fucking Hit it, Lee. Listen to these guitars.

Let's smoke some fucking dope weed. It's Christmas Eve. Let's get the fucking white fish out. Let's get the Yamaha biscuits. Kick it, Lee. Kick it. Kick that motherfucker, Lee. Don't kick it. Blow up the thing. I want people's head blown. Hit it. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Why? Why do the singers of that, of this like kind of rock, they always say they have the same sort of pitch and that doesn't, that isn't happening right now. Well, why was that? This is, first of all, this is produced by a guy named Mutt Lange, who had Mutt Lange, who had worked that on the Boomtown Rats. He had all the success, ACDC, Highway to Hell. So they kind of had like

Highway to Hell is one of my all time favorite. Walk all over you into motherfucking, uh, touch too much. To me is brilliant. It's fucked till this day. When I walk into a fucking gym, I put it and walk all over you. It makes me want to fucking go out there and shoot motherfuckers. You understand me? In fact, I found the other, find the film, touch too much on video with Bond Scott singing. That is as rare as it gets. And Bond Scott is so fucking high. He's fucking up the lip syncing. It doesn't matter. They're doing touch too much. Touch too much. ACDC, it's a fucking amazing. But the best song on high, I mean, high and try just has an arsenal of fucking music from, from, you know, Saturday night. What else is on it out there? I can't fucking remember

here. Oh my god. The one that we're going to watch, I just don't want this to play. Hold on. There's again, Highway to Hell was produced by Mutt Lange. Mutt Lange ended up marrying that chick later on. And then she said he used her, whatever, who gives it? They're bringing it on the heartbreak. Switch 625. You got me running. Lady Strange. Tremendous out. Yeah. Put a little mirror, mirror for these motherfuckers. Do you want to do it mirror, mirror or ACDC? Take mirror, mirror, take these motherfuckers into deep water. All right. We got the reefer out. All right. You got no guest today. It's just us a cappello here with the flying Jew. Joey Coco Diaz bringing it motherfuckers.

Listen to these motherfucking guitars. What? Feliz Navidad to all you cocksuckers out there. I love it right here. There you go. What's that pipe? That's it. You pissed me off. Hit it, Lee. Take a look into my eye. Do it, Lee. Oh, shit. Look at Lee blowing fucking smoke clouds. By the way, I gave you some PCP and then you're gonna be all right. You're gonna be high till the flight lands on Tuesday. Oh, Jesus. I actually had a question for

you. I was thinking about the other day because you're so into movies. Hit me, Joey. Hit me. I was listening to something about movies and I was thinking because Quentin Tarantino has one coming out, Django Unchained, which I want to see. Right. And you worked on TV shows. On TV shows, most of them have a writer's room and they'll have a head writer, but they have five or six writers. And for most movies, some people it'll be like one or two writers, but usually it's one writer. Why do you think that like I was thinking about like, why do you think wouldn't it make sense that they need more writers for a longer movie? For a movie as opposed to a TV. But a movie is like a book that got, let's say a movie is from

a book or something. Okay. Well, there's the guy, you know, turning it into a script. Then he's probably got an assistant, but the lady who watches the lines is a script tech. Well, there's that. And they call her a scripty and she watches what you say. Those people don't even fuck with me because I tell them in the beginning, I don't know the fucking lines. I just talk. All right. Well, I understand that the script supervisor, but like, I was thinking like, why, why do TV shows have a staff of 20 writers? And there's one guy can, and can bring out fucking the most amazing movies. It just doesn't. See, if you find the music on there, must be the music on YouTube right there.

Must be the music is must be the music ain't deflepping. You don't touch too much. No, we'll touch too much a little later right now. Let's get must be the music is I can feel it. It's coming out of me. By the way, this fucking podcast today, as usual, is all the podcast is brought to you by on it. I went to the fucking gym. Yes, I got stuck in there for an hour, two hours and 45 minutes. I came home last night. I hung out with my wife. I went to eat with my agent and Ari. But before I took four strong bones, you see me limping to anything? No, I feel like a fucking new man. That's why I took a head protein shake last night also, before I went to eat like a fat fucking Gavon that I am. Peter Marin, I love you

cocksucker. All right, it's a secret weapon must be the music, right? That's it. Let's do this, motherfucker. Oh, shit. I'm going to move to dance this morning. Oh, shit, man. Oh, shit. Little old school disco for you motherfuckers. Hey, see, because deflepping that album came out when this song was big. And I still remember going into the city at night with my buddies and getting blown listening to this shit on 98 seven to kiss a little something for death squad Harlem, getting it together. Hopefully I'll see you motherfuckers in New York and Caroline's March 22nd or something like that. I'm over in Caroline. So hopefully I'll see you guys that call Caroline and tell him when is fucking Joey D is coming. Oh, shit, death squad Harlem,

let's do this shit. This is a big song. This is a little disco for these people, cocksucker. What do you think you're doing? You haven't even started rapping it. Hit it, Lee. Moving to the beat. Oh, shit. I'm just a DJ, baby, mixing for you. Oh, shit. Let me see you wiggle. I had this image of you in the in the 80s, just like the suit with like the white part coming up over just like dumb. I am a fucking cliche. No, I was out there with the t-shirt with the leather jacket with the gold chain banging. Pretty sure that isn't with the gun the fucking

relax with the cliches. Trying to insult me. So what are you gonna do for Christmas, Lee? I'm flying. What time is your flight? Newton. I don't know. It's like 12.50. 12.50. That means that gets you there like 11 o'clock at night. You couldn't leave at five in the morning the whole day. Fuck that. I don't want to leave at five in the morning. Sure. You have the whole day with your family. You're gonna be gonna risk the whole day flying. I know three Jews that are flying on Christmas. You, Ari and Einstein, you're gonna get your shit together. Yeah, why would I? I had a toy day off. You know what? If I was a fucking terrorist and I knew all these Jews were flying, that's the day I'd take the fucking planes. I'd kill some Jews and some

fucking take some planes at the same time. That's just me talking. If I was a fucking Okaida, whatever the fuck those cops suck as I right now, because I know Jews are saving money and they're flying. I'll kill a bunch of fucking Jews. That's hilarious and terrible. It's a truth. Yeah. I know three Jews who are flying to save money because they don't give a fuck about Christmas. Yeah, fuck it. Even if you're Jews, you gotta have a little respect. You understand me? I respect Hanukkah, don't I? I don't fucking wash my balls with juice open shit on Hanukkah. Yes, I do. The juice open. Dave Wilder, what am I gonna do with these cock suckers over here? I can't control this shit, Dave Wilder. I don't know how you do those early morning flights, man. Because I want to get it

over with. Red Fox said on San Francisco, when you gotta do something, do it and get it over with. Yeah, but I wake up at three or four in the morning. Because you want to do it, you do it, you're popping out of it, but you go down to the lines are smaller. You know what I'm saying? You go down there, you get out of the way, now you land. If you would have left at six in the morning from here, you would have got the fucking Boston at three. You get home to your mothers at four thirty-five, you give her a kiss, you can eat dinner with your mother. We're still here. I get there at nine. Nine? Like what? Like a fucking yum? You're gonna get there and eat dinner at nine? The food's cold, people are tied. Your ass is gonna be rotten from the flight. You're gonna be sitting

there for six hours and coached. Your ass is manipulated. It smells like germs and bacteria. Yeah, but I don't sleep on planes. That don't mean nothing. That's what I'm saying. You gotta leave early. You can leave at five. Exactly. You're catching early flight five. You know what time that's eight in Boston? That means six hours later, two, you get to Boston. You relax like a gentleman. You take a fucking cab, you talk to the fucking Arab or the Hindu, or Al-Qaeda, whatever the fuck that is, driving. You go home, you see your mom, and you go see the girl late night. Now you get in at nine. You've been on a plane all fucking day. That's why I leave early, because you don't want the day to become the flight. You don't want the flight to become your day.

I like that. I prefer it. Oh, Jesus, that's terrible. I don't know how anticipated you are now. You didn't want to do a podcast today. No, I guess I do. You can't take it. You're thinking about that chick. You've been whacking off. You've been pale lately. Had to give you vitamins. You had a pimple on your forehead. We had a probably with sperm condensed. You must have tried to whack him off in the car thinking about this, bro. You can't wait. How are you going to act tomorrow morning in the morning? How are you going to act? You're going to be crazy tomorrow. No, I'll be fine. You can't even sleep tonight. Your dick's going to look like a grape. You're going to be beating that little family gift stick. Oh my

God. No, I don't know about that. Lucky is quite a word. You're a savage. Yeah. You're going to the game on Sunday. Who's that? That's going to be great. Where's that song? Where's that touch too much? Fucking league getting stolen. I'm going to have to piss test this motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Fucking guy getting high, showing up here. Is that the one with Bob Scott? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Take it. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Crank it. This creep is killing a nigga. You know what I'm saying? What? Stop the league. Where's my man? Leroy Neckbone, the baddest black dude on swapping Twitter.

Hit it, Lee. A touch. Come on, baby. What? See, so they have the same sound. It's Mutt Lane. Mutt Lane is a fucking genius. Oh, okay. He's still around. What's that chick's name? I know the song. I don't know what that is. All right, Lee, enough with the fucking music. What else is going on, Lee? What's up, baby? Shania Twin. There she goes. Looking fucking snoopy. Fucking snoopy-oopy over there. How you feeling, honey? You really have this baby yet? You are? Where we going for breakfast? What do you feel like? You hungry? Fucking starving. She wants to smile. How do you even have this fucking kid? I got shit to do.

It's the fucking holidays. Now you're asking me, Joey, what am I going to do to the holidays tomorrow? I really don't have family. I really don't have this. I really don't have that. Listen, you watch some fucking movies. You get a bag of dope. You get a bottle of wine whenever the fuck turns you on. I don't say you have to smoke. Nope. Get a little glass of wine. Put your pajamas on with the feet. Yeah, I have some Christian friends who do the Jewish thing, the Chinese food in the movie. It's fun to do with people you care about. It doesn't have to be family or just fucking anybody. But you'll be flying, cock-suckers. How are you going to have Chinese food on a plane?

Trust me. I'll bring Chinese food. I'll go get Chinese food. I'll have a little bit anywhere. Yeah. You can bring it on the plane. There's no Chinese food here in LA. Fine. We're going to go panda. We're going to make fucking white Chinese food, cock-suckers. The Jews have an overnight Chinese food system. No, they don't. Don't worry about it. You're going to go to Chance Dragon Inn in Richfield Park, New Jersey and get the honey. What are we going for breakfast? We're going to get it together. You're eating fucking peanuts. I'm waiting on you. Let me get one of those oranges. It's just a whole meal. I'm dehydrated over here. You're yakking. What fucking yakking? I had a conversation with

Lee Got Stone. I told him, no fucking get highly on Christmas Day. It's like Christmas Day. What other fuck is it? It's Christmas Eve, Christmas day. Like I said, we got a lot of choices for presents this year. You're going to get your iTunes. Lee, what we got planned for 2013? We're going to shoot another CD. Yeah, a CD early on. DVD in the summer. Yeah. We're going to hit the Testicle Testment from a different angle. Yeah. The debt of my mom on the struggles, the debts. And that's it. I got some dates for you guys. We got together with a writer. I'm going to write some fucking A-style jokes and take this motherfucker on the road and meet your motherfuckers.

Oh, shit. And when we do me and Omar, we're still writing the book. Oh. I spoke to JR, my buddy. We've got some shirts going to be made. I'm going to fix up the web page, theJoyCocodias.net. I got a new web page. And I just want to thank you guys. We never, Lee and I were bullshit and we rented this fucking piece one day and we went to a club and we taped an hour and next thing you know, it became the number one fucking CD. Yeah. And you took us by storm and from there, all you got to do is put a little fire in this fucking Jews ass. Lee's an aggressive guy and he was like, you need to do this. You need to do that. You need to do this. And here we are together. So I thank you guys for everything you did for

us this year. You know, and I know this wasn't, this wasn't, yeah, yeah, it was a fucking, it's always a great podcast when we're together. Fuck yeah. When we're together, we're getting high. It's Christmas. We got on it. You know, some movies you could watch. Yeah. Listen, man, you smoke a joint. You rubbed, banged your feet and you take a couple of alpha grains. You're good. Your body is electrified. You said that last night rubbed, banged your feet. Oh, please. You got to rub, bang, and rub, bang, and her feet a little bit on her clip. Drive a fucking crazy. You ready to eat some pussy this week? All right. You ready to tear that girl up? I tear, I plead the fifth. What did you buy a Christmas present? Yeah. All right. You got to

get her quick. You can't show up at the end. What do you think you're doing? You're a good man, Lee. You're a smart guy and I love that you sent me that email. We're going to get some big places with you. Oh, sure. The book, I'm going to hit it from a different angle because oh my, I just, it's hard to write, man. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I've never worked before in my life. You know, I wrote like turnpapers and shit like that, but you're coached. This is a complete different thing. You don't even know. But I, from reading the Stephen King book, I learned that if it's hard for you to write, that means you have to write it. That means there's something going on. So, for therapy purposes,

it's good that you just write it, you know? I just, yeah, no, it's going to be great. That's all you. I know, I've just been thinking about stuff. So, yeah, you got me stowing something in too much. Now, you're blaming me because I got you stoned. Yes. I was fucking there. How about a little Felice Navidad from Jose Feliciano for these people to end off the year? Listen, we're not going to do another podcast on the first week of January, but if you need to email me, you want to talk about something. I'm always at joeycocodias.net. There's some shirts left. Also, if you get iTunes cards and you want to clean out the fucking iTunes cards, I got Testicle Testaments 123 on iTunes plus the CD. I did an interview with Rolling Stones,

some little fucking writer from Rolling Stones. I did a couple of interviews this year. What was from Rolling Stones about a week ago? Somebody hit me up and said, I read about the DVD. I just can't find it. So, if anybody knows, I don't even know what they wrote about it. So, I'll look at the airport. I'll pick it up tomorrow. I don't know if it's last week or whatever, but the DVD is still available. What's the name of it? The CD or the DVD? The CD is. The CD is the... See, the U of the Priest. The documentary is where I got my balls from. Where I got my balls from. That's on payloads and fucking Amazon. So, knock yourself out. The documentary I watched it again the other day, that was a lot of fun, man. You know,

when you're watching it, you're like, man, that was fucking fun. That was one day of shooting, and that's it. It shows the potential for what could be... We had no idea. You never shot number four near that. I just learned from shooting movies. And I had met the people, and I... For people who... Joey tells a story where I got in the car and he's giving a weed out the window to a guy. He's like, you're rolling? I had just flown all day, and then I took a bus somewhere, and I was waiting for Joey, and I was filming stuff, and we... It's not like Joey could park and pick me up. I had to run. It was the time where I had to run. I had to run. I'm rolling the joint and fucking rent the car one hand,

and I make the right to pick him up. My buddy has to jump out and help me with his luggage. We get in the fucking car. I'm smoking his joint. Right now, I'm on 42nd, making a left towards Lincoln Tunnel, and I'm right there, and I go to... I make the left, and I gangsta stop. Even if it's not my left, I go, fuck it. Yeah, you're like the third right lane. And right there, I'm smoking. There's some black dude, walks by, and he looks at me, he walks by, and he goes, that's some Cali shit, motherfucker. I go, come in, I give it to him, and I go, leave. Did you get that leave? He's like, nah, I go, leave. I should drop you off. This is what I was talking about. You gotta have the camera ready. This shit. Can you imagine

opening up that fucking documentary with this black guy walking across the street, stopping and going, that's some Cali shit, motherfucker. Where's Lee Roy Neckbone at when you're fucking needing it? I love you guys. I love you guys for everything that you do for coming to the shows, for supporting me. You guys know where I came from. You know what, man? This is your year, motherfuckers, too. I don't know what happened in 2012 when you motherfuckers, but I swear to God, we'll do this together. Whether you want to lose weight, whether you want to get on stage, whether you want to just be a bad mother fucker than what you already are. So thank you very much for watching The Church All the Time. Thank you for supporting Lee.

We are going to get a chick to farm Lee's face in January. What's up, buddy? You looking to get a cry? No, no, no, I had a question, but well, what's the question? Hit me. Do you want to do the one movie thing before we leave? That's right, that's right. We're talking about the movies. You got to remind me of Lee. All right. So what movies are they going to watch? What do you think? Oh, but we have that scene from Glenn Gary. Oh, yeah, yeah. Somebody sent me this the other day. They said, yeah. And I forgot about this. Do you know where it's queued up at? I have the whole speech right? That's what we were going to do last time. I want you to listen to this fucking speech from Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, because sometimes it motivates the fuck out of me. This

one got me going. Hit it. This is Alec Baldwin. Talking about what? You talking about a bitching about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch don't want to buy land, somebody don't want what you're selling, some broad and trying to screw so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here? All but one. Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down. Coffee's for closers only, but you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. All of us are.

Your name's Levine. You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch? I don't got to listen to this shit. You certainly don't, pal, because the good news is you're fired. The bad news is you've got all you've got just one week to regain your job starting with tonight, starting with tonight's sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. Because we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest, as you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Sir, a steak knife. Second prize is set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

You get the picture? You laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given. You can't close shit. You are shit. Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it, because you are going out. The leads are weak. The leads are weak. The fucking leads are weak. You are weak. I've been in this business 15 years. What's your name? Fuck you. That's my name. You know why, mister? This applies to you, whether you sell, you snort, you fuck, whatever the fuck you do, bro. You ain't got time. There's no time for second place. Go out there in 2013. Go out there, whatever the fuck you work, and get what's coming to you,

motherfuckers. Fuck all these motherfuckers in the ass economies. Fuck those motherfuckers. Go out there and get what's coming to you. You earn it. Go out there and get your year together. You got me emotional, motherfuckers. What's your name? Fuck you. You ain't got time to be fucking around and vacationing and doing this. You gotta get what's coming to you, get what's yours. Make the people around you fucking proud. Go out there, rip their fucking hearts out. You think I got time to do this shit 10 in the morning, my wife's pregnant, but I made a commitment. Fuck you, motherfuckers. I love you guys. Onit.com. If you get some Christmas stuff, strong bone, get the fucking hemp protein. You're gonna love it.

I drank it last night, late night. I didn't fart once. Have you smelled the fucking fart this morning? You usually eat that white protein. You can't go around humans because they're stinking your ass. Oh, it's fucking horrid. Go to iTunes. If you need anything, I'll be in your hometown next year. Email me joeycoco.net. If you need anything, let's work it out. If you have a problem, you need a plan, write your fucking goals, set your goals before the fucking midnight. Forget about, I'm starting my resolution. Stop snorting today. Stop taking pills today. Go out there and sling some fucking dick and you, my wife, hurry up and have that fucking kid. You got me over here sitting like patients on a monument. I love you guys. Have a great new year. Have a great Christmas.

See you around June. When am I gonna see him? Like January, like probably January 5th or something. I come back on the, I'm moving to the new fucking studios. We gotta give a name to the new studio. We're gonna take the post that Mishivist wrote for us or drew for us and we're gonna get a new studio. We got a new computer. It's gonna be beautiful. We're gonna come to you a lot bigger, blacker and fucking stronger. Maybe the June nest. June nest. I love it. Stone. We're gonna sacrifice somebody right on these cameras and shit. It's gonna be beautiful. I love you guys. Merry Christmas. Happy new year. Little Jose Feliciano for these cocksuckers. Is that live? Yeah, it is.

I love you guys. Have a great week.