Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #124 | BRIAN REDBAN | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, December 15th..... Today we caught up with our friend, comic and OG Podcaster, BRIAN REDBAN! https://www.instagram.com/redban https://www.twitter.com/redban https://www.deathsquad.tv/ This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com, Manscaped & CBD Lion….. Go to https://www.Stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY for a 4 Week Trial, Free Postage & a Free Digital Scale! Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY - PROMO CODE: JOEY 20% Off & FREE SHIPPING! Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #BrianRedban The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Ep. 66 - Cassius Morris - https://youtu.be/Vb2mL_oZswY Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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It's a beautiful day to be alive. I'm feeling great looking great smelling great balls are in shape I put a little manscape fucking reviver on my nutsack. It's nice and fucking smooth Just getting ready for a goddamn Wednesday. There's not much going on like I said we have a guest today But I want to bullshit with you guys real fast yesterday. I posted a picture from 1983 on Twitter and I'm fucking pay on our patreon, but uh Whatever the fuck the one with the eye who gives a fuck Instagram right and it was really funny what happened was I had a meeting Monday at a call conference call With the publishers of the book and they're like, hey man, we're looking for some fucking pictures

No, I'm like, you know what I didn't think of any pictures because I'm too busy writing the fucking book You know, then they tell me the book We're gonna hand it all in March 22nd and I go when is the book gonna be out ready to go I was hoping they were saying November like a Thanksgiving Christmas release We could fuck around maybe do a couple fucking appearances and shit. They're like talking about May of 2023 I'm like So why the fuck are you bothering me about that? Do you have any idea of the cover not even close? I'm too busy writing a fucking book

You know, I got ideas for you, but I'm not even thinking about them right now I was just a weird but that's the way it is with these people like it was seven college Women, you know, it was like five women and two guys in the room And they're like, you know, well, what what are you playing on? They're trying to show me how swarmy they are and I'm like, let's stop this right now because this ain't gonna happen every two weeks I thought we were gonna talk about the fucking chapters Like you wanted more material on this or something like that. They're talking about a fucking cover. I mean are you fucking retarded? You know, that's that's what people in LA do

Don't have well for my cover. I'm gonna do this is the book finished yet. No Then what the fuck you worried about the cover for you're putting a horse before the fucking carriage again Fuckers or the carriage before the horse. I'm not sure what the fuck but anyway So I called my niece and I said listen because she showed me some pictures one time My niece had some fucking great pictures And I go where'd you get them from because my mom had them or my mom passed away and then she found them And what happened was I used to write them letters. I liked uh this was my brother Mike and his wife, so

You know that he was all I had so I would write them letters just to keep them. I love writing letters I always loved writing letters. So I would write letters and uh To keep in touch with my you know, I was such a mess In fucking New Jersey when I'd send them those pictures just to Just to show them that I had grown a little bit, you know that I wasn't still a fucking mess And if you look at those pictures like I posted one in the morning and then I posted another one When we were the hat on walking in the woods It's because the caption to it is fucking you guys thought that I couldn't bury somebody

That I don't know how to bury people in the woods. That's my uh, listen if you lived in colorado and you're half a hustler You bumped into people. That's what they do for a living. They just bury fucking bodies for people that up there There's not even enough bodies. You could tie some remember like some guy put is that you where you used to meet? That was that was still mass village those pictures. I wasn't even in bolder yet They're all bolder pictures But when I look at that picture of me standing there with the white sweatshirt by myself with the charles bronson had on I see a fucking happy guy, you know, I was thinking about that picture before I put it up. I was looking at it. I'm like I was probably 20

The picture I posted the first one of me with the white sweatshirt on I was probably 20 I was Going to school at night Taking classes at colorado mountain college. I was working for an electrician, you know I was living a simple fucking life I was making a little bit of money I was just proud to be out there on my own, you know, I had never seen Anywhere but like florida and fucking la. This is the first time I was ever like in the mountains or anything

And I look at that picture and I look so fucking happy in those pictures. It's just uh I wish I would have looked at those pictures a little closely before I went back to new york in 84 And I ended up homeless and stuff. That's what I was thinking about when I looked at those pictures last night That that was right before that disaster. I put as a joke pre Kidnapping, you know, which is my timeline everything's gonna be before the kidnapping and after the kidnapping. These are the pictures Before the kidnapping it's like after christ died and before christ died So we'll put like uh after k and bk. So it'll be a k After the kidnapping bk before the fucking kidnapping

But I look at those pictures and I see a fucking happy You know I just had like four years of fucking horrible luck Nothing was working out for me and I bumped into a friend of mine and he's like hey man, i'm going to colorado I didn't know if I was going to stay but I just wanted to get out get the fuck out of here To give my mind the breather, you know, I was telling mike before that The breather that we all got during the pandemic was well needed like I always find the silver lining and the silver lining To the pandemic I found was my new search for happiness like

This was all bullshit with the life we were living before The pandemic and that's why so many people quitting their jobs. That's why so many people switching careers Because a lot of people got to take a break and look around them and see what the fuck was going on with their lives you know and what they didn't like and it gives you a chance to fucking clean up or Keep being the fucking the sack of shit that you were all like I was you know before I came here And I made adjustments to my life. I feel a lot better. I look a lot better. I'm thinking a lot clearer and that's the most important thing that Sometimes when everything going on you don't get a chance to think clearly

You know, I was the one guy that was always against vacations. I mean What put me on the map as a stand-up was I didn't take vacations There was no fucking one day off. No two days off. I worked seven days a week for fucking 20 years I didn't give a fuck about sundays. I didn't give a fuck about christmas. I didn't give a fuck about the holidays I didn't give a fuck about anybody and that attitude was appropriate for the time when I was there doing it I had nothing. I had no family there. Now. It's a different time. I've grown into a family You know, I'm having a great time with them. I have a life now and Yeah, you know, I don't know if I'll go back to my old life

But I'm enjoying my new fucking life. I enjoy doing this. I enjoy working out I enjoy having peace of mind. I enjoy my saturdays with my daughter. It's been a a real fucking education for me. That's why I know 2022 is gonna be great because I'm watching off a great fucking Mindset, you know, your mindset has to be right. You ever talked to people you go Who was the last time you did acid or whatever they'll say? Well, I had a bad trip. Guess what? I've never really had a bad trip because the mindset Was always there, you know

So always remember that if you're struggling or having a tough time just disconnect for a few days There's nothing wrong with it as you learn during the pandemic nothing wrong with disconnecting Unplugged the fucking twitter unplugged the social media and just give you a chance give yourself a chance to fucking think Nothing wrong with that. It's not a crime. Nobody's gonna throw you in jail. I oh, you know, the other night I was watching San Francisco against Buffalo. I don't know what night they played sunday night, you know, I'm like fuck Five years ago. I was giving Lee shit for watching a fucking football game You know like listen, I'm not sitting there all day watching football games But I'll watch two quarters of a game on sunday at jimmy florentines

Then I'll leave it for go do a bunch of shit and then I'll go back and watch like Monday night I went over to jimmy's and watch halftime. I watch football till halftime. I can't sit there and watch our whole fucking game But you know what? I was thinking about how hypocritical I was. Well, I wasn't watching any games then I'm watching games now like how hypocritical I was and watching football games, but I'm not I'm not in that search of getting anything anymore I'm just in a search to be healthy and to give you guys a good podcast every week. That's it Those are my responsibilities and to be a father and to be a good husband. I've wrapped it up into four Simple things I got to be there for them and I got to be there for you motherfuckers and I enjoy that

I'm ready for you motherfuckers today. We got a guest one of my best buddies. I love this kid With all my heart we've had disagreements, but like I said on the patreon podcast every Like we've had two or three disagreements But our relationship has been stronger from them and that's how you could tell you have a good friend when you guys uh Have a problem because good friends have problems from time to time And then they resolve it and that friendship gets stronger The guy I'm talking about is fucking red band. I love him with all my heart

Um If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't even be doing a podcast myself joe All of us are very grateful to him. You know, I I've always kept in touch with red bands since he'd been in austin And when lee said that on this podcast, I was like fuck. I've never thanked red band for that So I called him up like a man. I'm like, hey, buddy I just want to thank you for creating this whole fucking thing amongst us. He was the one that got joe on the podcast He got already the podcast me the podcast and i'm very grateful to him. So The respects that he is the original fucking pod father. So

Whatever you look at it. I don't give a fuck whatever you think of him. I don't give a fuck. He's my brother He's a funny dude, and I love him with all my heart. Enjoy red band You Welcome to the joint. What's happening my brother looking good. Thanks buddy. Just woke up your fucking crib Yeah, I'm actually I'm not in my regular studio. I'm in my uh vr studio right now because I don't use zoom Ever so it's like I have to find a computer that works on zoom. So It happens my friend and fuck it happens How you doing good how'd it go last night?

Oh, it was great man. It was it was a lot of fun. Uh A lot of fun last night that shows gotten out of control Really? Yeah You know after we spoke last time I thought about your little operation down there. We were talking about how It's really changed comedy because now I mean I heard people are dumping agents People are starting to dump agents because they're saying fuck it We could book our rooms ourselves. We don't need desegregation. It's becoming a one-man operation now And look at you. You don't travel no more and you're not even interested in traveling. You got your two nights

You got your fire. I didn't even know that you did your show and then you went back into the podcast to keep the party alive That's fucking brilliant Yeah, I drive home. I drive home and uh, there's so many fans that want to talk about the show and stuff so I I come home and I Pretty much do this and I just talk to the fans do virtual reality with them stuff What time you stay up till with them? Uh last night I was up till about 3 a.m. Let's say holy shit. Yeah

And it must be fun. You know, it's gotta be fucking fun to Just bullshit with people till three in the morning. I'm fucking sleeping at 12 So I would love to bullshit with somebody but you're gonna bullshit with a fucking Guy with a sleep apnea mask on that's all you Well now more than ever ever since covet. I I really appreciate being home more so Like being home is way better for me. We're like when we lived in Los Angeles It was always like I I can't be home. I have to I have to be at the comedy store I have to be some I have to be out where now it's like no, I just want to go home

Brian, how do you feel about the comedy store? You miss it? Um, I do miss it and I've thought about going back for like a week or so and just hanging out and stuff, but uh I don't know. I just it's it's it's so weird. There's living in Austin, it's really opened my eyes to I don't know. I don't feel like wearing masks every time I go inside a restaurant or a show You know being checked for You know all this stuff just it seems like it's not open yet It doesn't seem like it's back to normal yet in Los Angeles

So I think I kind of don't want to go now because I'm too scared that I'm just going to be turned off by how different it is So, I don't know You myself You myself Joe the comedy store was a big part of our lives and when us three left like I thought about us And how long we had been going down there and what the store meant to us and how much time we put down there I thought we were going to miss it a lot more The thing with me was I went down there with my wife and my daughter And I basically just said goodbye from the building. I touched the building. I sat on the stairs

I went to all the places where I used to smoke pot out there behind the van and the back, you know And I said my goodbyes like I'm good with it. I don't know why I feel a little shitty about it that I feel good about it But I don't know how I'm supposed how am I supposed to feel, you know I remember Doug standout making fun of me and Joe like you guys will never leave here because you'll never leave the store And I thought that was true and it's true because without the store. I can't even do stand Like the store was my fucking anchor And then from there I would develop and go out into the road

Ever since I stopped going to the store That just took that out of my resume like it was just So I wanted to see how you were doing with it because you were the captain of the fucking store the party started when you got there Yeah, I mean now the store. I don't think it's open past 1 a.m. Or midnight or something like that I I don't think the hangs there anymore and and that's what I love most about the store It's just hanging with all you guys like hanging out in the back and smoking some and you know And just seeing every everybody around the store and from what I've been hearing It's not the same like that anymore. And that's that's depressing to me. So I don't know

I I don't know if I could deal with that. It was weird because I never I thought it was such a party when I was partying Like you would that was your last stop Every night like the store was it, you know, like if you did new years at the improv with joe We'd always end up at the store to fucking drink and jump up and down and you know torture people and the whole thing It's uh, it's just mind-boggling to me that after 23 years. I just walked away from the store It really bothers me in a way, but I've learned to deal with it. It's not like I miss it I see the line-ups and I know that I don't even know after people

Which lets me know how old I am Like I'm looking at stand. I'm looking at schedules from like The place in new york city and you know the really good Comedy place to sell her and I'm looking at the store line-ups and I'm seeing a 50 percent That I don't even know these people You know, like I don't know taylor tomlinson, but I know who she is These people I've never even heard of them So how did they get to the store?

Like in that shorter fucking period like a year and a half and they became regulars I don't even hear of these people. I've never even seen these fucking people and I wish them all the luck in the world I'm not hating on the young generation. I'm happy that people are fucking still doing comedy and they're in But I just don't know where half these comedians came from. It doesn't bother me. I don't give a fuck I'm just saying that wow In a year and a half comedy has really passed me to fuck by And you're the only guy that knew it. You knew it from the beginning like you're like, I don't think you're gonna get back on stage I don't feel it red band. I have to not go into the store. That was everything to me

There's not even a club around here. There's great clubs. Uncle Vinnie's is great. The stress factory is great But they don't bring you the satisfaction of the store You know, yeah, that's one good thing I've been very happy about with austin is that how many places there are to do stand-up comedy like uh, where Where all the clubs are there's literally 10 clubs all around that you can just go from spot to spot to spot kind of like what I would imagine new york is uh, and So many people have moved to austin from the comedy store and all these comics like derek poston asan dylan selvin

tony hinchcliffe You know, there's just all these people So it kind of feels like the old days of the comedy store, but now it's just in austin It's it's it's definitely helped to move To austin because it almost feels normal just uh The comedy scene here and it's just growing and growing, you know with rogan opening his club I can't even imagine how it's going to be in in a couple months It's a great scene. It really really is

A great scene for young comics. I think right now It's really and and when I say young comics, it could be a 40 year old that just got into comedy I'm talking about guys that have been doing comedy from five to ten years That's the point where there's no fucking direction in comedy You're not really a feature act yet. Nobody's hiring you You have the time, but you know, it's it's really fucked up and it's great to be in uh Environment of your peer like that was what was great about la for me when I got that la I had josh wolf

Ralph humay was with us, you know that crew we were all young guys at that point You know, we all went out to become whatever we Became but we were all young guys bread Ernst You know, I was a little older than that crew brother and steve burn You know that that crew but it's great that I've always said man when you have a good foundation of comedy You're gonna springboard to do great things and that's what's going on in austin right now If you're a young comic, I suggest you go to austin and learn that's you're not going to learn at the store anymore

It's not a School anymore. You need help with that. You know, Mike and I were talking about open mics for musicians You know, like they don't charge any money. You got to charge five dollars So people are committed to it people won't come if they see it something for free They won't come if they see five dollars or ten dollars to go. Okay. I might go because it's it's worth the fucking Party, you know, whatever, but that's honest to god I think that's what I missed from stand-up What we used to have when it was me you joe arie

Dunkin on the road that was fun Then I started going on the road by myself Well, all the pressure was on me and I had another guy helping me, but it was just two of us You know, it wasn't uh, you know, I would sit in my room all day. I'd see the I'd see the feature act for lunch Maybe we go to a something to look at a fucking history something, you know Hits town or something in Detroit and then you go back to your room It's not like when we were fucking doing it We would start at 11 in the morning go to fucking pop at those

Eat a meal to one go shoot guns Come back fucking go to the pool swim So you're a comic all day and you're with other comics and you like minded and you're talking about the same shit Then all of a sudden I started going on a road selling tickets and I was by myself And it sucks dick Yeah, yeah, those were the days going to pop itos and everything like that I went to the pop itos that we used to go to All the time with joe and arie and dunkin all the time. I went there recently

May it felt so weird being there because that used to be our go-to place every time we went across in the double tree Yeah, that's double tree that poor double tree looks like it needs to be torn down Really? Well, you gotta remember like that was 20 years ago Yeah, that was 20 years ago when that hotel was kicking and shit The last time in fact the club doesn't even when the club was still open towards the end They wouldn't even put you in that hotel no more. They used to put you at a different hotel and I used to request it No, put me at the double tree. Well, there's nothing there. What do you mean? There's nothing there

I'm walking distance from fucking pop itos. That's all I need That fucking banana pudding With the vanilla wafers in it with the little pieces of banana the fucking seafood and crab salad I never finished it. I'm a fat fuck 380 And I can't finish the fucking salad at pop itos the shrimp were huge They give you four huge fucking shrimp and lump crab meat With tomatoes lettuce onions. I'd always put blue cheese, you know me fuck that italian vinaigrette or lemon vinaigrette I'm throwing some fucking blue cheese on that bitch. Remember when we used to have the guy that used to give us tons of

Fucking vicarins and shit He would pull up with a truck and he used to just give us pills. I bumped into him at a show He's like you want some pills? I'm like fuck no Remember he had a truck Motherfucker had an electrical truck and you know like the little packages like the little screws and shit They were all pills and then he's like I got weed too you do and he would have drawers of different weed He was growing hydro chronic fucking weed. It was wet and shit I

Nobody believed those fucking crazy road stories. Were you got in trouble at the strip club in austin? At the yellow rose And you know, it's so funny is that the yellow rose Is now a sponsor kill tony the whole like the owners and everything they come to every single show every monday And it's just like old school family Just like the old days where like joe would be doing a show and they would all send like the limo to the show and You know all the people they all come to it's like it hasn't changed. It's so how's the guy with the long hair That's the guy that brought me to the yellow rose

He looked like he did 20 years of cocaine straight He had wrinkles everywhere on his face and long hair He's the one he's around anymore. No, he's probably good that guy old deed 10 years ago That guy was in bad shape. He reminded me of the guy that used to sell us the stars of death That guy was in bad shape. He only had a few weeks left when he pulled out of the star Even lee was like, why do you make me meet that creepy guy because I don't want to meet the fucking guy you go meet him Let him breathe on you and shit

But no, those were we had a great upbringing with joe. I'll never forget that that was One of my best educations the store was a huge education and then going out with him on the weekends getting lost Fucking doing $50 shots at uh, the brazilian place with the oil you could eat. Remember we did that Fogo the fucking chow in dallas. I mean my roots go huge in texas Like i'm surprised i'm not in texas because I love fucking everything about texas the food The mexican food the fucking way everything about texas is fucking tremendous. I just it was time for me to come home You know, I think we were all surprised you didn't come to texas Everybody I mean texas was your go-to place, you know go to go to from el paso to fucking houston to dallas

I love that Addison improv. I love that chuck and jive the restaurant the seafood restaurant over there I loved fucking houston. You know that I had deep deep roots in houston best cocaine in nineteen fucking 98 to 2007 they were the king All I had to do was walk into houston and somebody would give me a package I remember somebody gave me a package once at the fucking airport That's when you know, you're a junkie when somebody comes up here at the airport and says here's a package for you And I opened it up with pete pete was driving me back. I opened it up. There was like a grandma coconut

It's too in the afternoon. I'm like, I can't fucking do this. There's a ruin My god damn day first time I went to houston first night This is how can you not love a city that offers this it's 1997. I don't have a girlfriend I go down there to open up for bobby slate and i'm sitting at the bar. I just bombed I'm sitting at the bar and the smoking columbian girl walks past me with a white dude And she's like, don't look that bad. You were great. Don't worry about i'm like, I ate a bag of dicks He went to the back and she came back and she's like, ah, where are you from? We started talking

And I said to her you're columbian. I need a big favor. I know you got a cousin or somebody who sells cocaine You're fucking family. There's somebody somebody your uncle your father And she said how much coke do you want? I go like a grandma blow and I gave her a yardstick and she goes I'll call you in a little while. I had a page of that She called me. I go, what do you want me to meet you? She goes, no, no, no. I'll bring it back to the hotel I dump my date. I'm hanging with you She came back with the grandma blow next thing you know, she had a bikini on at that really good hotel in houston The crazy one with the bar and shit where people would knock on your door and ask if they wanted a beer

People would knock on your door at that hotel in two in the morning. You'd be like sitting there doing coca-cola and I wish I had a beer And you're like, what the fuck you open the door. It's like a chick. Hi I had some extra beers. I don't know if you want to party. No, I'm just sitting here by myself about the jerk off You just knocked on the door. You were my fucking savior Then the hotel got flooded Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the hotel. That's where I think joe met his wife at that hotel too That's a fucking great history hotel. They had a kalachi place down the corner I don't know how many times I walked to that kalachi factory or or b-butts. Remember that the Greek place with the

Melted cheese. Oh my god. How many times is that old guy used to yell at people? He fucking used to just throw a menu at you You make you tell me when you want something and then they would come back. I remember went there one night We got a bunch of greek food. I was farting for like a week. I had diarrhea. They gave us like a cheesy fucking thing with Oh my god that was that was People would not believe the times we had in texas with rogan from austin I remember another time I was at that old club

this had to be 98 And i'm in the corner there watching joe or somebody and some girl starts talking to me And she's like look at my pussy. Look at the hair what I did for the design I'm like, I need this in my life next thing. I'm fingering. I'm about to go on stage I go on stage 10 minutes later. I'm on the stage and I could smell her little pussy on my finger every time I talk to the stage Every time I talk to the audience I'm like Dog and I used to bomb in austin bomb

Bomb the biggest bombings I had were in fucking austin though Because they were like straight laced and shit Comparatively houston and dallas. They're buck wild but austin. They were nice tight white people They would hate me and then I would take them for a psychological ride and shit and they would enjoy me But it was rough but I loved that so that club is closed Uh, you're talking about cap city cap city is closed and they're about to reopen a new location But it's not the it's not the old owners. They I think they they are just reusing the name So it's not going to be the same

People that used to own cap city But they're there. Yeah, cap city is opening up a new location and it should be open any day now I think about you every night and then yesterday We spoke on the phone We agreed to do the podcast and not 10 minutes after that I get a fucking thing on facebook an old picture you and me with a podcast podcasts Oh, yeah, podcast we got to bring that back long distance Podcasts podcast. I remember the song we made cats cats cats cats cats cats cats

Kitty litter. Yeah, we just talked about cats and kitty litter and stuff Now I don't have any I haven't had cats in a couple a couple of years. Do you have any cats left? I'm down to three Three cats and then there is three Fuck in fact friday one is the 17th friday Friday is the anniversary of super bad He's been dead for two years my little fucking cat of love. I'm down to three cats two chubby one super bad sisters They're about ready to go my wife told me that kidneys are gone. They're peeing weird and shit Oh, no, so one of them takes the shit the whole basement fucking smells like a whole dead horse

I got to take it outside and throw in the neighbor's yard Every time he shits on my thing. I take a paper towel. I take that shit out of here. It's like a little thing It's like a grenade of debt It just smells like bodies and puke and shit all rolled up into one fucking piece of shit I threw it in the neighbor's yard. I saw him like a week later looking at it Like what the fuck because it stinks like that out there then it shrinks up And it gets all conglomerated, but you have to cut it to get the stink back, you know You break that piece of shit now and the stink is back jack

Yeah, that's one thing I don't miss. I don't miss litter boxes, you know and not in dealing with all that Yeah, I've had litter boxes my whole life having cats and now I don't have that anymore So it's so nice not having that dog. I had a clean litter boxes at the end of the month My wife is leaving So I'm home all alone and I was dreading Fucking clean litter boxes and then our friend Joe Rogan called me. He's like you want to do a podcast on those dates So I got a girl to come in to fucking clean the fucking thing

Thank god. I hate cleaning it, but I do and you have to do it in the morning That's what sucks. You have to wake up in the morning And you're not even awake yet and you got to scrape up this shit and it smells fucking horrible And then you got to I'm one of those people I don't like you know, you ever see those people when they walk their dogs They got to walk down the block with a little bag of shit. Listen to me. I rather get raped in the prison By 10 big black dudes that destroy my asshole and fucking walk around you would never see me walk around with a bag With a piece of shit

That's why I don't get a dog because I want to be good to my society But if I have a dog, I'm not picking up dog shit. That's where it's supposed to go I'll take him to a field where nobody walks and he could shit up there But I'm not picking up dog shit walking down the block the best one those people stop to talk to you There's a lady who stops it. How are you? I'm good a lot better than you. I'm not gonna have shit in my hand Go home drop the shit off then come back and I'll talk to you all you want. I'll give you the history of Cuba I'll give you a little fucking one Give you the history of my nutsack. How bad it's looking

My fun guy toenail Yeah, I'm not and it sucks though because we have two dogs and at least they're they're small dogs so they're very small poops and We we used to live when we lived in Burbank One time we forgot to get to bring the bags, you know, so we're like walking and it's like shit and I'm like looking around for a leaf or something, you know or something that And we didn't have anything to do so we're all right. I guess no one saw it. No no no crime, you know literally

The next day on that app next door, you know that app where it's the whole neighborhood Literally, there's video of us not picking up our shit and like 30 people Bitching about us not cleaning up the poop You can't get away with anything now because everyone has cameras on their doors and crap like that. So That was embarrassing. Listen. I don't mind making the news For saying something about somebody But if I made the news for my dog not picking for me not picking up my dog. Shit. It wouldn't bother me whatsoever What people have to say

You don't see me picking up dog. Shit guy. That's that's all you need to fucking, you know I don't want to pick up dog. Shit my what my daughter keeps bugging me for a dog And I'm like you're in no fucking danger I go you want a dog wait till you move out But I can't have a dog right now because I'm gonna end up fucking walking the guy Picking up his shit and that's not gonna fucking happen. I don't want to pick up dog. Shit in the yard not yet I'm not ready for that. I'm not old enough Well, if you do get a dog don't get a big dog because that's big poop, you know like

My shits is are smaller than a cat. So when they poop, it's like, ah, who cares? But what's a fucking small dog gonna do for you? What do I do put them in my purse? What do I do put them in my fucking back pocket? I don't like fucking small dogs I want a dog that Listen, I don't want a violent dog But I want a dog that could hold his own like if a dude breaks in the dog will bite him in the leg or something I don't want to fucking, you know And that's what I'm scared of like my daughter isn't really like dog. She likes dogs because she's scared of big dogs

But I showed her what a german shepherd looks like and she's like I gotta live with that So she lets me get the german shepherd. I want one of those nazi ones That hates everybody Jews spanish people black people. I don't give a fuck. I want a dog that just hates everybody Just what I'm gonna get a female german shepherd and not spare Not new to her. So she gets horny You gotta lock her up and she bleeds once a month once a month you wake up and you got 10 million little red spots around Because she's dripping that fucking monkey juice from a dog on the carpet

It's a fucking nightmare. My mom had a dog that wasn't new to the german shepherd female She was fucking gorgeous. And that's why she you don't neuter them They're fucking gorgeous and they act different like you couldn't get next to my mom's purse She was fucking bite your head off this dog I could never clip a doll out of mom's person shit because of this dog But the dog didn't bite constantly it just bit You know when she was at the bar and then we got rid of the dog bit me In the face and that was the end of that fucking dog. My mom got rid of that

Now I uh, I like I like joe has a cool dog that golden retriever. I've always wanted a golden retriever That's something i'm gonna get a chocolate retrieve from my dog. They're harmless. They're fun. They run with here I wonder what happened to his other fucking monster of a dog. Yeah, I've never asked I think he probably just left me That dog was too fucking big. He started biting him his shit. He started eating the eggs Joe is pissed When the fucking wolves will eat his eggs and shit when he had the chicken coop And they would eat the eggs. I called them one day. He's like, listen, man, I can't talk to you right now

The fucking wolves got into the chicken coop And I got to beat chickens and shit. That was the funniest conversation I had with him this that day I talked to him this morning. So yeah I'll be in austin in like two motherfucking weeks jack. Oh, fuck. Yeah, that's awesome. Maybe three weeks and then we're doing Burt krisher 500 episode podcast What the fuck you going cock suck? I'm talking to you He's gotta get his reefer. He just did a bong here. He's still hung over Fuck it the hair of the dog

I've always loved red band because red band is never fucked around red back gets fucked up jack Red band gets fucked up early What do you look at that? What the fuck are you looking at on that screen? You haven't looked at me the whole time. You haven't seen how beautiful I looked at nothing No, my my my whole uh fan turned on so I had to turn my fan off through the computer Hunt no, I don't know when I came back like something happened with the computer But I still remember I got in trouble with joe that night after the fucking yellow rose

He called me the next one. It's like you get brand-band coke. I'm like no. Yes, you did you lied to me Yeah, that was so stupid of me. I was in the in the bathroom stall remember that and yeah, but that's not stupid That's where you did 90% of your cocaine Like right now people are getting pissed off because uh, I don't want my kid to walk into a bathroom And there's a guy with a skirt. Let me tell you something I didn't walk coke in a female bathroom Than anywhere else in my life Whether it was the belly room the belly room had a female woman's bathroom

Have you gone in there right there in that belly room? That's the best bathroom in the fucking country to snort coke They got a little table there. You could snort a line of coke then pick her up put it on the thing and eat a fucking monkey It's one stop shopping in there the same, you know That's what you're supposed to snort coke. I remember one time I was snorting coke in new york Well, not me. I gave it to a friend of mine. I was with she went in the bathroom. She came out. She's like They got mad at me. I was snorting coke in them like it's 1993 In 1985 you could snort a kilo in there, but in 93 they were drinking water in new york So it wasn't cool to do. I don't understand. I did 90% of my coke. I did the bathroom stall

Yeah, that was embarrassing getting caught though. The guy's like banging on the door like hey, get out. You can't do that And you're like shut the fuck up This is I'm not doing it I'm not doing shit Do you remember when the dude caught me at the fucking uh that bar with where Jay davis used to do comedy Like that was the biggest shock in my life I'm down there doing coke with a girl and he opens up the freeze and he's like, hey, what are you doing?

I'm doing coke close the freezer door Why are you cockblocking? He's like, no, I've contacted the police. You can't do that. I'm like dog You didn't know about that red man. No That motherfucker called the cops on me. He was a little indian hindu dude He was in charge of security and what was the name of that bar? Did you ever get to go there across from? Yeah, it's across from The pink taco now Yeah, that was a fucking it dog and

from From 98 to 2005 or six That place was amazing. They didn't like me. They were into dane cook Yeah, so I only went down there once two three times and then I got banned For that situation You know, I met a girl on the stairs. It was fucking mob. We went to the freezer to do coke The hindu came in. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like closed the door we're doing blow

I don't want other people to see it if you're in come in if you don't want none Then close the fucking door and he goes no, I called the cops I'm like, what do you mean to call the cops? So then him and three other bounces came and took me they didn't handcuff me enough They took me and the girl outside and they called the cops. I had the eight ball in my sock. I'm like, I'm not giving this up This is the first time eight ball And next thing you know fucking They're like the cops are coming and I look up and I see Ralphie may

Because across the street at that Japanese place Tuesday nights was all you could eat Sushi, so if you went there and did comedy they give you all the sushi you wanted Fucking that's when Britney Spears was going down there and Whitney Houston with Bobby Brown They were singing fucking I will always love you. I never went in there I I don't know anything about that place But Ralphie came and I go Ralphie He goes, I'm doing a showcase for cbs player I'm like, what the fuck do you mean you're doing I go he goes. What are you doing?

I go at least motherfucker calls the cops on me You got to get me out of he's like, what do I do? I go take that fucking car turn it around And I'll jump in it before the cops even see what the the cops weren't there yet The girl was crying Then joe and willie bar center came out joe gave me a hundred dollars and said call me when you get to the police station The eight ball in my sock She was like you have cash. I go no you gave me a hundred dollar bill He goes call me when you get to the police station. I'll bail you out and joe went inside and Ralphie made the u-turn

I got in the fucking call with Ralphie And I was home by 8 30 Had an eight ball a hundred dollar bill and I did a spot all by 8 30. I was ready to fucking go And then like a week later. I find that I've been banned from the place Oh, no Doubling and it was me and the holstman were banned ask holstman what he did I think holstman told somebody to go fuck himself in there. Now was holstman still in austin No, it was very weird. Holston, you know, he he came to austin

He still had this place in la, you know, and then he was out here for almost a year and then One day he just kind of didn't tell anybody and drove back like a couple weeks ago He just drove back and like I was doing a podcast with him. He didn't say anything to me So I don't know if something happened. Maybe something happened back in la or what it's just very mysterious and I haven't called him yet or anything. I'm just kind of more in shock So I don't know if he's gone for good or if he's just going back for the holidays or something. I have no idea What's where's who where's he living?

Well, he's had he's had a trailer He has a trailer home In la that he's had for like ever and you know, he has a girlfriend and all that and and So when he moved to austin I was really surprised that he kept that trailer and he came out by himself. I was like All right, so is he just living in a you know, two different places at the same time?

I don't know. It's all very very interesting. He never he never really Is a very personal or a private person. I guess and he never really opens up and tells everyone what what's going on Very mysterious. He probably has three different lights, you know, so He's a good dude. I just he's so funny austin loved him too. Like every I believe all the young yeah, all the young comics like looked up to him He was getting you know in la. He was what getting up once or twice. Maybe at the comedy store, you know Out here. He was coming up every night three times a night headlining everywhere and This is awesome to see holtzman. You get that much love

So I was surprised when when I saw him that he might be moving back to la Yeah, I just been seeing some pictures of him and they're always at the comedies to my What did he do? You know what man? He was quiet for a long time very funny and then the documentary Gave him a little light and I gotta be honest here. I was fucking happy as fuck And so were a lot of other people holtzman is loved, you know, holtzman We all sat back going when is holtzman gonna blow the fuck?

up Holtsman was a perfect candidate to have this show. I mean for years they were looking for uh an archie bunker Fox was cbs was and I remember going to a meeting once I said, I think you guys should bring in brian holtsman They didn't know who he was, you know, like with your name in on the fucking thing every other couple nights. I don't know who you are So when I saw he moved to austin and everybody had embraced him I gotta be honest with you. I was happy and I thought that he was on his way. So Whatever he decides to do. I wish him luck. He's a fucking funny guy

You know, he's one of those guys that if he went on the road, it would be a 50 50 every night He would either bomb hard or fucking take you to the next level, you know With his improvise and his little material and the way he presents it. So I wish him all luck in the world, man Hey, comedy's fucking hard and people in my 30 years 29 years in comedy people came and went, you know We're really happy that we stuck with it. I mean, how long have you been doing it for an hour? You've been involved with us for 20 fucking years. Yeah So

You've seen how hard it is. You've seen people come and go. You saw a bunch of motherfuckers Come and go, you know, you started a bunch of podcasts with people and people just took off and whatever so People gonna be people you could help them for as long as you want, but you have to keep doing what you do every fucking day, you know, and That's basically it. I can't wait to come down and see you cocksuck. It's gonna be great. Yes We got it. We got a lot of eating to do. Really? Yeah There's one thing that I did not realize is how much good food is out here in Austin I've always thought yeah barbecue, of course, you know, Texas has great barbecue But maybe the best sushi I've ever had is out here like just amazing restaurants out here everywhere you go

Some of the best deep dish pizza. I just found a new deep dish pizza by my house that Is all these guys from Italy and they have like this little place and they just make these amazing deep dish pizzas. It's crazy And now this is in Austin. Yeah our friend owns this place called the sushi bar and it's uh Probably the best sushi you'll ever have You gotta tell we'll tell Joe to try to get reservations, but uh, it literally it's like like a 15 16 piece meal Like you'll they'll they'll make it all in front of you and then they'll put down like a single plate in front of you and you eat it You're like what and then the next one they'll put another one down

And you just tell them when you want to stop because they'll go for the whole entire night and just make all these insane things They have this one sushi that they they drip bone marrow on the top of it when it's I didn't give it to you. It's so crazy I Love all that craziness dog. I love it. You miss Burbank. Oh, I mean you had a nice little Yeah, and you know, I did Uh, but then Burbank got really shady near the end Uh, because I I moved out here and then I had to go back for like a week just to close out and clean my old house out And give the keys back to the person and you know when I first landed and I started I picked up my rental car

I was like, oh man, this is sad. I you know, I've lived here for 15 years It's so sad to you know be back then within like 24 hours There was like a guy in my backyard Like doing meth and there was a tent down the street and there was somebody getting robbed and like it was just It was just not that when I lived in Burbank. There was no crime There was nothing that and then covid hit it was a totally different monster It was every day people's cars getting broken into and my mail being stolen off my front porch and Just shady people and you're in your driveway. You're like, what the fuck is this?

It's really fucking sad what happened there now. I understood not and I said at the idea on a podcast on my own podcast It was really sad what was going on and I knew was something was changing But I listen, you know, I was in Burbank every day either for Alberto Crane and my friend Damon I was always in Burbank for flappers. I still remember doing a hundred on magnolia when I found out my wallet was lost And I drove back at midnight and I made that right on where flappers is And right by it where that fucking bar is in the middle of the street where everybody goes to My wallet was right there on the street folded on the street in the middle I had walked across the street and thought on my sweatpants. Wow

And when I went back and found that wallet, I'm like Burbank is the safest place on the earth and what people don't know is that Disney pays security to watch Burbank and Burbank is very wired like it's there's hidden cameras everywhere because Disney wants to protect their investment I never thought it would be bad in Burbank and I've seen what was happening in Sherman Oaks And in North Hollywood and then one day I drove to Portos, you know during the pandemic before I left I might as well say Get some Cuban fucking potatoes and shit dog When I got out of that car, I saw people jaywalk

And nobody jaywalks in Burbank. Okay, they go to those two corners right there by Portos And when I saw him jaywalk and there were people that wouldn't be in Burbank, you know who lives in Burbank You know doesn't live in Burbank. Okay Burbank is musty and fucking, you know But when they walked when they got to the other side, I saw like a breeze coming and the leaves And I'm like that's a weird wind Like that's a weird wind and these guys I guess Burbank is done with and I'm gonna tell you something to help you rest I spoke to Damon last week. I called him to check up on him. You know, he said to me. It's funny. You called he goes

Today for the first time in my life, I thought about buying a gun Wow He goes people are walking into people's houses in Burbank Yeah, and just somebody got killed that lady's that lady got killed. Yeah So it's really a shame. I'm happy that we're out of there. I feel bad for the people Sitting there To advance their fucking careers, you know, if you're single right now, yeah, I would be in Burbank Or in la but with my wife or with your girlfriend. It was a sweetheart. I wouldn't take a chance because we've got to answer for them

You know, there are wives. There are girlfriends. We got to answer for them. So I wouldn't be in fucking la So looking at that. I mean, they would have They're doing fucking. Uh, what do you call that house invasions? House invasions or just you home from Burbank? Uh, melrose and shit. So The the last angel the sheriff of the uh la pd Uh recently put out a Thing saying that he's right now not recommending anyone visiting Los Angeles. He can't protect them He says like the purge

And I'll tell you I'm surprised that new york hasn't come out and said that because That that tourists built people come from all over the world to see that christmas light The ice gate, you know to see disney on ice, whatever the fuck they do in new york I don't want to go to new york at all. I I moved here. I go to the light every year to see the christmas tree But the last two years I haven't gone over there. I don't go over there for comedy. I'm go over there You pay me to shoot. I'll go over there unless you pay me. Fuck you pay me. I'm not going over there. So That's where I stand g money But i'm happy you took the time today red man. I just wanted to see I miss you

You're my brother like I tell people all the time when I died is only gonna be one motherfucker that cries and that's red man Because you're the only motherfucker who loved me. So I'm happy you took the time today I'm excited about being going down there too bad. You didn't make eye contact with me. You must be high on powders or something What make eye contact with me cox. My camera is over here See my camera's here and my screen is down here. You look like me when I was doing coke I wouldn't make eye contact with nobody. I always be looking at the bird over there on the shelf But there was no fucking bird You look good, brother

If I look at the camera, then I then I I can't see you you're down here. The camera's up here. All right Well, whatever you want to look I love you red band. I'm happy you took the time today, brother. Thank you very much. I know you hung over And I want to congratulate you on what you're doing down there And I'll be at the Vulcan on a monday night to torch you a little bit. Fuck yeah So stay black. All right. Say hello to everybody for me tell toni to Clean this fucking cowboy hat uncle joey's coming down here He doesn't think I saw those pictures with him trying to be fucking john kuga melanchem

That's his new look man. He has more accessories. Oh my god. He's got shirts and buttons. He's chewing a toothpick now His name is bubba I love you, brother. Merry christmas to you and your family. Are you going to columbus at all? Probably uh, well, i'm booking. I just booked the funny bone So i'm going to be there in a couple months. Probably I just got to pick a date But uh, I'm ready to do a little tour. So probably in in the in the spring All right, stay black. All right. Thank you. See you in a few weeks. Love you. Love you All right, you bad motherfuckers. I hope you enjoyed red band. I hope you enjoyed me today

We had a great fucking little Tata te like I said, I'm gonna be in austin In a few weeks. I'm doing joe's podcast for all you motherfuckers that keep telling me how to dream you on joe's podcast It's not a dream no more. It's a fucking reality We'll go talk about the last year and what's going up for the future And that's it. And that's that I love you motherfuckers with all my goddamn art I'm happy you're still supporting and I love you for it. Thank you very much for having my back The joe d is fucking project will be up friday on patreon

And uh, we'll be back monday morning tip top magoo I love you cocksuckers with all my heart and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors All right I want to thank Red band but most importantly. I want to thank you fucking savages For always having my back the join is brought to you by stamps.com Listen, if you're going to the post office this time of the year, you're in for a rude awakening Long lines thinking people

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I want to thank cbd lion on it I want to thank me undies and better health therapy online therapy They're fucking great companies to be with. I love you guys. I'll see you monday morning Tip top magoo ready a stab three motherfuckers Stay black What is this a magic fucking candle? Love you You