Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #125 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

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What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here for another episode of The Joint. It's Monday the 20th. We're almost out of this fucking rotten year. You know, some guy was telling me today at CVS. He goes, you know, you're going to have a bad year when you're in the hospital January 1st. And I was like, you know what?

I was in the hospital January 4th to the fucking 5th. So I started the year off with fucking needles and IVs. And you know, then when you get the knee surgery, you're all fucking doped up in bed. They come get you and they go, listen, we got to teach you how to walk in and out of a car. Did I need that in my fucking life January 4th? I couldn't walk.

Blood was coming out of my fucking knee. Then I got home and my wife is upstairs. And I'm like, I need to get fucking high. I've got to tell you guys about this. And I fucking went out in the garage at two in the morning with a pipe and I felt I just killed over on my knee and I'm down on the floor yelling for my fucking wife. She didn't hear me for a half hour in that garage,

freezing my ass off, yelling upstairs. She came down and said, what the fuck is wrong with you? So that's how I started off the fucking year. And then the pain pills took me to fucking Egypt. Those things are the worst things that they ever gave anybody. They put me into a fucking depression, mixed with the fucking Xanax. I was taking for the anxiety.

I was fucked up guys and it just happens. I've been writing this book for the last fucking year and what I've come up with from this book, we're on chapter, we just quit cocaine and we're about to go into 2008 and all that stuff. And it's weird that what I've learned about myself from this fucking book is that I started over 18,000 times in my life.

I had to start over all the time. I am the king of fucking starting over. That's like a fucking gift that I didn't even know I had. I read the chapters like a week ago and I'm like, it's the same story over and over of your life, of me doing something, going for a year or two

and then crashing and fucking up and then it takes another year to get back on your feet six months, but it's a plan. It's a fucking plan. And if you stick to the plan, you cannot lose, you know. Somebody said to me that I got an email from a parent, a fucking parent sent me a Twitter fucking email.

Their son had to go to rehab, you know, and he contacted me about a year ago and he said, he was honest with me. He said he didn't really like my comedy, but that he liked what my stance was and what I had done. He goes, you know, I used to, one thing I missed from the road, I swear to God,

the thing that bothers me the most about not going on the road is talking to you guys, the podcast people. And it would be fucking great because I'd be taking a picture with you and they'd be all smiles. They'd be happy to see me, whoever was there, the girlfriend taking care of, taking a picture of the boyfriend with me

and while we were taking the picture, he would kind of whisper, everybody did that to me and they would say, hey man, we're having a good time and shit, but you helped me get all fucking this. You helped me get off that. I'd listen to what you said, you know, and it's crazy, you know, but it worked for me, you know.

Like, I don't expect people, I didn't expect people to fucking quit smoking cigarettes by getting an eight ball and just sitting there fucking getting tortured by their self. That was my method because I like torturing myself. But, you know, they just reached out to me and they said, you have a gift of setting people and like a weird, like they listen to you.

They pay attention to you, but the problem with this kid was, his ghosts were just too strong. Like he just lost it. They had to put him in like a two year fucking rehab for pills and heroin and the whole thing. So that's why she reached out to me to just say I wouldn't be hearing from him for a while.

She gave me an address where his rehab was and Indiana, they sent him to some shit and I'm gonna write him a fucking letter in there. Just for Christmas, it's just a nice thing to do over the holidays. Write somebody a letter that's in rehab, fucking thinking his world's about to end. And he doesn't know his world's about to fucking start.

Like that's what people don't really understand, especially with drugs. Like you sit there and you're like, when am I gonna get off these things? How much longer am I gonna do this for? And you're like, you know what? I'm not even gonna quit because I can't even imagine being without that stuff.

Let me tell you something. When I always said that to myself, like when I say that to myself, that's a motivating sentence for a guy like me. Like I'm like, you know what, man? It's time I fucking clean up this drug. Like and I've done that. Listen, I did it with the fucking Valium in 91.

I did it with the fucking Coke. I did it with the fucking reefer when I went to prison. You know, you have to stop. You have to just stop and put it in the back of your mind. You're like, I can never do that. And that's the same thing about life. I don't know what that correlation is that we think of something like stand up.

I remember being in 1993 and being in my little fucking rocky apartment in Boulder with fucking fat tire and I had a lettuce in my refrigerator, you know, being broke and watching guys like Bill Hicks, watching all these fucking comics and going, like to myself, like even though all day I've been pumping myself up

to myself just going, I don't know why you're doing this. You're never gonna fucking do anything with your life. I got so sick of hearing that from myself that those, when I would put myself down, I would motivate myself. It would motivate me to fucking go, you know what? That's a shitty sentence to say to yourself that I can never, I don't think I could ever fucking accomplish that.

That is the shittiest thing you could say to yourself because either you go to sleep when you say that to yourself and usually thinking about that at night when you had a bad day. You're like, maybe I'll just go to sleep, whatever. Or you fucking go, you know what? Look what I just said. That's my mindset. I got to switch my fucking mindset.

That's what it is half the fucking time. Hey, listen, I was lost in March, guys. I was lost. I know I did the podcast. I know it was a rough podcast to listen to. I knew those days were hard and I thank you for staying or I thank you for leaving. I would have left myself.

But I'm happy that it happened to show you guys that I could fucking, I could get out of any fucking dilemma. Just give me a day to think about how I could get a dilemma and I'm the king of that shit. I'm like a fixer in my own fucking head. In March, when I found out, you know, I didn't know what was going on. I just knew I didn't feel fucking good. I knew I'd been to the hospital a couple of times

and I knew something was going on with my body. So I never copped to the, I didn't think it was Xanax. I never thought it could be the fucking Xanax. I didn't know what was giving me anxiety. So right away I thought I had a mental health issue. That sucks. When you sit there and go, I got a mental health issue. That sucks because for years you've been calling people retards,

and fucking stupid fuck. And now you got a mental. You know how hard it made, you know how hard it was for me to come clean with that to you guys? Really hard, but I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck at all because I wanted you to, I wanted to see you guys watch me come back. It was interesting to even watch me come back. I journaled it.

You know, I fucking, I weighed myself. I checked my pulse every fucking day. My oxygen levels. I mean, I was on a roll. I was experimenting. You know, you go on these fucking websites to help you with the benzo shit and they fucking tell you what to take. Let me tell you some, all the shit they tell you to take

sparks up that feeling of your heart beating and all that stuff. And I'd be great till about one o'clock. I started taking the only thing that helped me. The truth to calm myself down was on its product. New mood that slowed me down at night. I just finished a fucking bottle and put another one out there. Safe and calm, calm and calm support, calm support. All these fucking tablets.

I got everything on them. Gabba, the whole fucking thing. They jolt you up a little bit, but then they come back and calm me to fuck down and it replenishes your Gabba. That's what was wrong. I read up on it when you fucking take those pills. They don't let the Gabba receptors fucking send signals. So who the fuck knows that the brain is a fucking monster of a fucking machine

and it doesn't send signals or whatever. And that's why it shocked my central nervous system. When I heard it shocked my central nervous system. There's only one thing that brings your central nervous system back quickly. Dead squats, dead lifts. Dead lifts. I was doing dead lifts like a motherfucker. Two days a week, two and a quarter, two fifty.

I would start with low reps and then I'd have them up and I'd tell you I would do those things and I could feel myself getting zapped. When I would put the fucking weight down, I would walk around. I'd see little fucking spots in the air. I swear to God, it was like I got knocked out, but I didn't give a fuck. I kept going on it because I read those things. Those Benzo websites and those Benzo fucking where everybody talks. And I got to be honest with you, everybody has a different struggle.

It hits everybody differently. But the one thing I saw that was consistent with these fucking people were that they had a hard time waking up. You know, I read, everybody said it was hard to get out of bed. It was hard to walk. It was hard. I was like fuck that. I'm getting the fuck up.

I got up right from the bed, straight into the shower. I take my little Avon pad, wipe all the fucking Spanish grease off my face and off my neck. I don't like people's necks. I'm a big problem with fucking necks. That's where the main stink comes out. That's why I always fucking, I got these little Avon pads. My sister gives me, she's like a big shot for Avon. And these are Lisa, she's fucking great.

She's got these little pads. The best ones I've ever used. Look at my skin, look at my face. I got no fucking dirt on there. There's no more zits. I got a zit over here. And I got a little zit down here from fucking shaving. Look at this little third eye over here.

But I fucking put my little thing. I jump in the shower. I brush my teeth. A little listerine. And I would fucking eat breakfast. I said, you won't feel like eating. And the first thing I would do was walk around the neighborhood just to get my heart going. And then I would walk down to the fucking gym.

The gym's like a block from me. So I would walk to the gym just to get the fucking wilderness. I had my own rehab. Did you know that? I prepared my own rehab this summer. Like I didn't go up north. I didn't do shit every day. My job every day was to get healthy and get through this fucking thing.

And I was not going to sit in the fucking house like an idiot sitting here feeling sorry for myself. So that's why I went to the pool. Remember I talked about the pool all the time? I would go to the pool. And the first thing I'd do at the pool was take off my socks. And with my fungi toenail, I'd fucking both feet of all fungi it up. Oh my God. I got to do something about the fungi on my toenail.

The tea tree is working. That's another thing I did this year. I started tea tree therapy January 1st. Every day when you get out of the shower, you rub tea tree oil on your fucking toes. And you try to fucking keep your nails clean and you chop them so you can put the tea tree oil under the nail. So it eliminates all that fucking fungus. Trust me. I don't like getting rid of that fungus.

That fungus is one of my hobbies. I have a little toe on my right foot that the nail looks like it's connected to the fucking toe, right? It's disgusting. It looks like one big piece. But it's filled with fungi. So every week, like one night a week, when I get nice and high at night, I get the fucking nail clip and I cut in that motherfucker. And let me tell you something. Every time you cut the nail, smoke comes out of it.

It's tremendous. When I cut it, it just goes poof. A little bit of smoke comes out and then I get the grind and I go in there with that fucking grind. And I get like two grams of powder of toe jam dust from my fucking big toenail, my little toenail. I don't even know what I'm telling you. My deepest secrets. But who gives a fuck? It's December 20th.

We got to open up the fucking valve, cock suckers. People are going to go into a depression mode pretty soon. I got to keep you motherfuckers intact. So let's keep talking about the fungi toenail. So it's tremendous. I fucking buff them both out. I wear my mask because I don't want no dust to go on my fucking face. Because sometimes when I polish my fucking toenail with the spinner, the fucking dust gets all over the place.

I don't see it until the next day. I think I'm just, it's just falling by my foot. I just put, I hold my foot sometimes and I just watch the toenail dust gather on my foot like a gram. I fucking, I put it between my fingers and I smell it and I think a leak. I'm like fucking Lee smoked that shit. Well, we both smoked it. I just recovered from that. I had a fucking molar that had all the fucking toe jam in it from fucking my toenail.

But anyway, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about here with the toenails. What I was trying to say was that it's been a fucking hell over a year. I'm happy it's fucking over, but guess what? I fucking stood up to this motherfucking year and I was like, you ain't taking me down cock sucker. There's no way. Dog, I wish I could tell you how bad I felt inside. Like you don't know what it's like to talk to somebody on the street. You haven't seen for a while and your heart's just beaten while you're talking to that person.

You're like, why am I fucking running while I'm standing here talking to this poor bastard? I mean, it was terrible. So that's why I would look up. I couldn't even make eye contact with people because I was thinking I was going to die on the fucking spot. You don't know what that's like. I'm trying to hydrate cock suckers. Give me a breather here. I know you guys get mad when I drink water.

I don't drink water on the mic. What do you want me to do? Sit here and talk for fucking an hour with no fucking water. Don't use a water bottle. Yeah, don't use a water. Listen, I know these things make noise. I know they're fucked up, but what am I going to do? Put my water in a canteen so you guys don't hear the bottle.

Get a grip. We're all fucking family here. It's Monday. You know what I'm saying? Why fuck around? You've had worse fucking noises in your goddamn life, but I'm happy it's all over. Listen, the last month, my job has been, I know where I stand. I know where I stand.

I feel good. I'm ready, but I'm still feeling a little, you know, not 100%. I'm at like 90 fucking four or something like that. My job since the last month was just get ready for 2022. And what I wanted to do, I was just telling Mike, I was thinking of leaving next week, but I think I'm going to push it back. Stay in town. I got some calls out to offices, like maybe two people calling me back.

I think I had an appointment Wednesday to look at an office about three miles from here or some shit. Just take a look at it. You know, I don't know. I want to make a lot of changes. I got rid of some people out of my life, you know, that would just wasting fucking time. Why are they sitting there? Why are they sitting there?

So I switch governments. I'm still working with the ice cream shop fucking everything solid there. All I've been doing the last couple of weeks, like I said, is just getting ready for the 2022. That's it. What I'm going to do in 2022, we got to hand the book in March. So we got another three months of work in the book. And I think the last three months will be a little busier because they'll just be rewrite.

So I'm busy with that. I'm also, you know, going back to jiu-jitsu and I'm having a great time in there. And I tell you what, thank God I did that. I'm grateful that I did three things for myself. I'm grateful that I read the tape and stuck to it to the fucking T. I'm very happy. I went back to acupuncture. I think acupuncture had something to do with it.

I've been going there for 14 fucking years to acupuncture. So once you take it out of your life for a year, I'm sure that it went back to where I lived before. Who the fuck knows? And I'm really happy. I'm very happy that I got my balls and my anxiety and check. And I walked into that jiu-jitsu thing because I got to be honest with you. It's the best thing I've did since I've been here.

And I knew when I walked in there for my first private that as I was walking out, I told him, I said, you have no idea how good I feel right now for coming and getting this over with. Because nothing bothers me more than being fucking scared. Nothing. For the first time in my life, I was really fucking scared last year. I got to be honest with you guys. I didn't think I was going to make it back. I wasn't able to think.

I wasn't able to go out of a realm. I mean, I was searching for words. I couldn't find them. When you have a machine gun mine, like the one I have, my thoughts are always getting popped into it. And all of a sudden, you don't have that no more. You start doubting yourself. I was really doubting myself. I remember that I started doing stand-up, like in February, right after the surgery,

down at Uncle Vinnie's. And the more I went down there, I found out that I just... The only reason why I stopped going to Uncle Vinnie's, because I couldn't give 100%. I couldn't feel like I could give 100%. I couldn't say that at the time, because I was kind of ashamed of what I was going through. But after I figured out how to tackle this shit, there's no shame. It's over. We're on a fucking straight path to make it back to fucking health.

And that's what I knew. But that's the only reason why I stopped going to Uncle Vinnie's. I love that fucking club. That's one of my favorite clubs in the world. It was just that I wasn't doing anybody any good. I was going down there with the same old fucking... You know how hard... You know how bad it is for me to use the same jokes.

Do you know where that puts my head to go out there for four weeks in a row and use the same jokes, and I wasn't able to write? Do you know where that puts me? That puts me in a bad fucking position. Because there's one thing in this life I always listen. In comedy, you're going to have good sets and bad sets, and I know that. And in podcasting, you're going to have good sets and bad sets. When you're fucking somebody up the ass, you have good nights and bad nights, right?

You're fucking somebody and you come quick and you don't know what it was. And you start blaming your fucking high blood pressure or your fucking ear medication. You know, we can't score 100% all the time. And I've come to grips with that, and I've had to accept that. But I didn't do well on stage for so long that when I had a chance, when you guys gave me a chance to perform, I had a rise to the fucking occasion. And I got to be honest with you, I don't like bombing. I know I lied to you guys that fucking you need to get bombed.

You need to bomb from time to time. It builds character and all that shit. I didn't like bombing. I didn't like bombing. I understood it and I know where it came from. And I know it was lack of preparation. Your head's not in the right place. But let me tell you something, guys.

When you pay $25 to come see me, I can't have that. I can't have that hiccup. That's what I've told myself. I can't have that hiccup. And I learned that from Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan has a great line. Some of them are Mickey Mantle. They asked him, you know, why do you always do this every night?

And he goes, because I never want to cheat the people. You know, they paid for a fucking seat to come and watch me play baseball. And that's how I felt. When I took a bomb, I didn't do it. Let me tell you something. I am still embarrassed about the bombing I had in fucking New Orleans two years ago. Do you know that still haunts me to today? And I'll tell you what I did.

They made a sign for me of June 9th in New Orleans. I hung it in my bathroom for a reason. Because I'm always in the bathroom taking a shit and you just sit there. It's not like I got magazines or I got a TV in there. I just go in there and work the mind a little bit. But when I take a shit, I look at that sign. I look at that sign as a reminder of the bombing I did in New Orleans. And a lot of you guys went to that show and you're like, Joe, you didn't bomb.

I didn't bomb to you guys, but I bombed personally. And I knew that. And as long as I said racist jokes, it was just not me that night. It was just not me. And it happens. And that night was the night that we fucking got stuck in Santa. Me and Steve Simone got stuck in New Orleans because the planes were fucked up in Atlanta and I had to reschedule the Tabernacle Theater, whatever that was.

But I never forgot that. I never, ever forgot that bombing. It was one of the most embarrassing bombings. And then I went outside and had to talk to people and that was even more fucking embarrassing. Nobody came up to me that night and said, I helped them out either. It was just a cold, brutal fucking night. I remember going back to my hotel room and going, dog, if I want to raise this bar up, I got to come a little bit more fucking correct.

And I did. I took care of the situation. I did a great show in Vegas. I had five great shows in fucking, in Tempe, you know, before the fucking pandemic hit. I was doing kick ass shows at the store. I had my material tight. I had never been that tight as I was before the fucking pandemic. When I fucking stopped doing comedy on March 2nd or whatever the fuck was my last time on stage,

I was pissed because I was ready to shoot a special. I was ready to do a thousand things before the fucking pandemic started. But so were a lot of people, always me. So were a lot of people fucking Joey, get your shit together. This ruined a lot of shit for fucking people, you know, and people didn't know how to act after that. Look what's going on in the fucking world today. People getting stabbed every day in the city, people being rude. You know, I was talking to somebody online the other day and I, and I said this like a guy and me were going back and forth.

Just a guy I talked to all the time, Leon. And we were talking about the behavior on the internet the last year. Real quick, I hate to interrupt the podcast, but the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Listen, BetterHelp wants you to know that truth about some stigmas around mental health. I was kind of ashamed when I had a little mental health problem, but you know what? It took care of itself. Dana at BetterHelp did a great job. Many people think therapy is for so-called crazy people.

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The things people say to people. I read not my comments, but sometimes I read other people's comments. Just to see, you know, they posted something. I want to see what people's reaction is. It's not good out there. People's hearts are not in the right place. It's not their mind. It's their heart because the heart goes to the mind and tells you, hey, it's a beautiful day.

It's a beautiful day. It's a sunny day, sunny day, sunny day. But I don't know what the fuck is going on. I see the rudeness online. Listen, I'm to the point. I've been online for so long. You want to say something to me. That's fine.

Sometimes I say, your mother sucks dick. Sometimes I look at you and I say, I say a prayer for you because you're a fucking retard. And you don't know where the fuck you're coming from. A couple of weeks ago, we did a manscape video in my bathroom. I put the video up on Instagram. I had like two guys going, Joey, clean your shower. That's what you saw in that video. That's what you saw.

I'm over there talking about, you know, cutting your bald hair and sprinkling fucking red Viva in your asshole from manscape. And what you got to say to me is that I got to clean my shower. And let me tell you something. I actually got up when looked at the shower when I go to say it. Nobody uses the shower. You fucking jerk off. It's a downstairs bathroom. That's why it's my personal shit fucking pen there.

Nobody uses that bathroom. Mike P's in there. My wife don't even use that bathroom. Nobody goes in there. It's just solo. It's just me. Nobody showers in there. I got a ton of shit.

Like if you come over, fuck nut. I'll have you take a shower in my shower. Everything's in there. A shampoo, a loofah. Everything's in there. Nobody uses that. It's got to get a second electronic shower. You got to press buttons.

It's no turners and shit. So you don't know what? I don't know what the yes. She put it down here for a daughter. I guess her daughter lived in this room and in that bathroom. But the fucking shower is tremendous. But that's what you came up with. I didn't clean my bathroom.

This house is fucking clean as can be. My wife cleans this. The only thing that's dirty in this house is that fucking toilet down here. Because I dumped some tremendous shit in there. I mean 22 inches dark brown, you know, a couple pieces of granola in there. I go deep in that fucking bathroom. The other day there was a skid mark in there. I had to chisel it with a fucking chisel and it had plastered itself.

It was like a skid mark just going straight into the fucking toilet. The piece of shit just landed on there. I don't put my balls under the toilet. I haven't put my dick in a toilet in years. I put my dick outside the toilet. I hold my balls while I'm shitting. I massage and I warm them. I put a little manscape revive on them and I just fucking work them.

You know what I'm saying? That shit, you don't want that shit smell to creep into your nutsack. So that's why I get the little reviver. I rub my balls, but my shit doesn't go in the water. I don't like water hitting my ass. I don't know where I stand. So I like to shit two or three inches up, let it go down, let it go downhill. So at least I piss on it and it explodes and it smells like a fucking dead body.

But that's what I do guys when I'm fucking lonely and bored. I know I'm 58 going on motherfucking five. I know how to have a good time by myself. These motherfuckers don't have a good time by themselves. You got to take a shit and pee on it. I do it. I do a ton of experiments back there in that bathroom. I try.

I shave my balls with manscape. I fucking charge up. In fact, you got to fix that fucking thing that Weedmap sent me today. That little vaporizer. I want to start smoking with the little vaporizer. It's charged. It's charged. Now I've been charging it for the last fucking two weeks.

If you take a hit off that, you'll electrocute yourself. I also got this fucking little pen from... I got to be honest here. I'm not a vapor pen guy. But I fucking... ABX sent me some vapor pens. I gave a couple to Mike and they only sent me one little thing. I was going to give that to Mike.

I thought they were going to send me a couple of them, but they sent me only one. The battery? The battery that you smoke live resin from? The little thing you twisted onto? No. You don't even twist it. You just snap it on.

It's fucking tremendous. It's fucking tremendous and it kicks like a fucking mule. Sometimes I don't want to go outside. It's cold at night. I got my pajamas. I just hit that a little bit and I fucking sit down here, watch whatever I'm watching or write. But I don't want to go outside.

Like last night, I went outside like no, Saturday night for the UFC. I must have gone outside four nights. That's how I know I'm back. Because I was just smoking one joint at night, like at 10 o'clock. That was the rule. Now I'm starting a little earlier.

Like now I've been starting like at a quarter to eight. And I got some good shit the other day right from Jersey. Did I tell you that Mike? I got some nice fucking reef. I'll give you a little piece of this. I didn't get a lot of it, but it was pretty fucking good. Jersey is good? Yeah.

I was pretty, listen guys. You know, I've been smoking that Cali shit, that Zeke shit for fucking years. So it was tough for me to let that go. But I actually told them, I said, you know what guys? I got to stop. You got to stop. You know, like I would have my friends go out or whatever.

And then they come back, you know, and they bring me like shit that they got over there. And I said, you know what? Mike, my friend was going to LA Tuesday and he asked me last week, do you want me to bring you something back? Want me to stop by the ice cream shop? I said, no, because it's just guys, you know what it's like. I don't want to run out.

You know, you can't, you always looking at your weed. And I was like, fuck this. I can't keep dependent on California. You know, I've been here 15 months already. It's time for me to get a fucking connection. And somebody on Patreon, one of the dudes on Patreon, my man, Arpan, turned me on to this fucking weed delivery service right here in Jersey.

I go online. I order it tonight before, like if I ordered tonight, I have the weed here at 11 o'clock tomorrow morning. Cute little African-American chick came over the other day, dropped it off. I asked her in. I didn't even know she was coming. I thought she was coming at one and she ended up coming

to like 1130. I was downstairs writing and I heard the door, but I almost shit my pants. My wife was at home and I looked at the door from downstairs. It was an African-American chick. I go, who the fuck? I go, oh, my weed is here. So I went up the stairs.

I opened the door. What's happening? Beautiful. She's like, oh, what's going on, Uncle Joey? I said, come on in. She smelled fucking great. I went downstairs. I got her money.

I tipped her. You could tip on the fucking app, but I always tip them just for coming over here. They bring it right to the fucking house. You can't lose only a fucking job. Well, they got them everywhere. Who am I kidding? But I like this service in Jersey.

They got edibles. They got pack woods, you know, they got some great fucking reefer. It's donation. Like only like that's the scam that you have to do, or it's not really a scam. That's the way you have to do the service. It's donation only.

They have different packages like diamond, platinum, silver, gold, you know, and they, it works. It fucking works. And so what? I'm smoking reefer. That's a little notch down this last weed I got from them. Holy fuck. It was a little extra.

It was 250 for the half ounce, but I enjoy it. I don't have to bother them. I don't have to bother my friends. I don't have to fucking, you know, I just, I just feel creepy after a while. I'm just putting, it's like, you know what? I don't need to go through all this and put people through this.

I don't want to put somebody through this. They get stopped at an airport. They come back to like Joey, you fuck it. Let me learn where to get some weed in Jersey. It's not like I'm smoking like in Cali. I'm not smoking with three hands anymore. I mean, it's rough. I'll tell you one thing that came out this year.

I don't smoke in the daytime no more. And I got to be honest with you. I kind of like it. It's nice. It's a nice fucking feeling, man. It's a bit much. I was getting high and fucking all day in LA. And I knew it how to change.

I knew my sound. I don't even have that whistle in my fucking voice anymore. Have you noticed that the fucking, the little, whatever, what do they call that disease when you smoke cigarettes? I got that shit. I had the beginnings, emphysema. Yeah, I got the beginnings of it. The last x-ray they did for me, maybe five years ago,

Dr. Wax told me to get the beginnings of emphysema. I go, you don't think I know that? I hear the fucking whistle in my chest at night when I'm fucking. I should be snoring. It's like I swallowed a fucking kazoo. You got to hear the fucking noises that come out of my chest at night when I'm fucking sleeping. But hey, it's all a motherfucking part of growing up, man.

I had another shock this weekend. Thank you all you motherfuckers for reaching out. My little Lulu died. And the crazy thing is she died a day after the anniversary of Superbad. Superbad's anniversary was Friday the 17th and Lulu died Saturday the 18th. It was rough at the house. It was really rough for my wife. My daughter hasn't put it together yet.

Like she just hasn't figured it out yet. We really kept it from her a little bit. Was she tight with the cats? Yes and no. She comes down here a lot in the mornings and plays with them. She brushes them and she watches TV before she eats breakfast. So she came down this morning and she didn't notice it. I don't think she, we'll tell her during a week when things slow down a little bit.

My wife was still crying this morning, you know. I have another cat that's here with me, Evie. I don't even know I'm going to do the album of the week because she's so heartbroken. She just wants to sit close to me and I'll tell you what, between us, I hope she doesn't hear me. She's got a couple days left too because I had dead brothers. I remember I had this family I've had. I've been dealing with this cat family since 2004. You know, Samurai fucked a lot of kittens back there.

That motherfucker left a legacy that was untarnished. I just found a video of him. I'm going to put it up for you guys. A guy shot a video of me and Samurai walked right past us. And I'm like, show this motherfucker. I'm like, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy would just look at you, give you the finger or give you the claw. I swear to God, this motherfucker didn't, he wouldn't even take fancy feast. Like, you know how many times I brought him all different types of food.

In fact, when they even brought him crab meat, he just fucking looked at me like, fuck you and your crab meat. He refused. That motherfucker wanted nothing to do with people. So, but he gave birth to like 90 fucking kittens and then he was killing them and we couldn't have that. And, you know, we had their boys. I had, from that cat, Samurai, I probably had a Demi, Harry. Superbad was his son, but halfway. Superbad's mother, her mother, was fucking two cats at the same time.

She was a dirty whore. She was fucking the big black and white cat and Samurai. In fact, they even fought to like almost a death. Samurai fought Superbad's father, almost to the death. There was a horrible bang up fight in my backyard. No worries. But, so we started with Superbad, no. Demi, Harry, Ali.

Who else was his fucking kid? Evie and Lulu. So we probably took about six of their kids. Lulu and Evie had Siamese colorings and Superbad. They were both in the same fucking womb, guys. This is just tremendous. She gave birth to three Siamese cats and one black and white one from the father, from Superbad's father. It was crazy.

It was a learning fucking experience I did not know about. I learned so much. I like animals, guys. I'm fucking sorry. I like dogs. I like cats. I like birds. I don't like pigeons.

I don't like fucking pigeons. I don't like that. But I like fucking cats and dogs. I honestly, I got to be honest. Even when I'm writing this book, I'm going to put this in the book. I honestly think that, well I know for a fact, what brought me back all those years and gave me the strength to cancel the coke, to stop doing coke was these fucking cats. I swear to God. I don't know what it was.

I felt like a father. I don't know if that was it, but little by little. I stopped snorting after I got these cats and Superbad was it. You know, when I got Superbad, he was almost dead. I made a promise and that was it. That was 14 fucking years ago. That was it. That's how much these cats meant to me.

You know, listen guys, I lived in California. I know you guys, everybody in California has a support animal. I know you don't want to hear this shit. Listen, I don't like when people come on a plane with a fucking cock a spaniel and the thing is making noises. You know, if a dog shits on a plane, they have to take the plane down. So every time I see a fucking dog come on a plane. I'm like, if you shit motherfucker, I would send them like messages like our Michael Vicki, you cock sucker. If you fucking take a shit on this plane and you make this because one time they did that to me.

They had to fucking clean the fucking plane. So the plane went down. They had to take the lady off with a fucking stupid dog, clean the shit, disinfect the plane. I was too. I was fucking delayed because your fucking service animal took a shit on the fucking on the plane here. It was horrible. So every time I see a fucking dog come on there. I'm like really lady, but she always brings like two or three dogs and she's chatty as fuck.

So if you're scared of something, I'm not seeing it here. All the fucking people got service dogs always chatting, always talking, you know, don't blame it on the fucking door. All of a sudden you're chatty because the fucking dog is here. So I kind of believed it. I kind of didn't. I had a problem like 10 years ago. I was fainting from the edibles and God knows what else. I was just fainting.

I had like three faints in like a year and every time I would faint, I would, I would feel it coming on. I would run. This is when we lived in North Hollywood. I would run to the fucking chair that was next to the air conditioner and I would rip my shirt off, rip my pants off. And I would just sit there fucking sweating with the fucking, you know, like 50 degree air blowing on me and I'd still be sweating profusely. And I had this cat. What was his name? Finney.

Finney would see me from a distance and run over to me and jump on me and I have no shirt on and he jumped on me and start clawing my chest. And I'd want to fucking choke him. I was ready to fucking punch him and I go, I know what this motherfucker is doing. He's trying to take my mind off whatever I got going on. So I won't faint. He did that a couple of times. He saved my life. Another time I banged my head in the closet and I was bleeding and he fucking came and sat with me too.

Cause I don't like blood. I looked at my hand. I was bleeding. I got a little fucking queasy. But I figured out that this motherfucker was just taking my anxiety away. So when I went through all this shit last year, I became tighter with these fucking cats like I would pet a more. Petting a cat relieves your anxiety. I don't know if you guys know that petting a cat, petting a dog, playing with a dog.

If you have a hang of anxiety, run right to your fucking cat or dog and see what happens. If I would have put that fucking together, I would have never taken those fucking Xanax. I would have just petted my cat. Everyone I would have taken. I swear to God before the fucking pandemic. I was thinking about making one of my cats a service cat. Because I was sick and tired of these fucking dogs coming on and nobody shows up with a fucking cat. And then people started showing up with two or three dogs and I was like, you know what?

If I come on here with a fucking cat. Cause everybody has their fucking animal. Why should my cats stay home? These cats have all been my support animal fucking 20 years now. I really feel that, that when I got the cats in my life, when I put the cats in my life, my house changed for the better. I started fucking with cats in maybe 2003. And in four years I got off coke.

I just felt better. I felt like maybe I was a father again. I would buy them toys. I would go to fucking Petco and buy them the stands. You know how many fucking stands I had in my own? When we moved from LA, you know how many stands I threw away? I had one, two... They're expensive.

Bro, they were 200 a piece those stands. And I had them all over the place. And then I was thinking of running the stand up in the war. Cause I talked to the guy, he was going to come over, but it wasn't my house. So I had to take it down and shit. So I said, forget about it. I love my fucking cats. And I got entertained by them.

You know, some guy hit me up this morning or two days ago. No, yesterday. Cause Lulu died on Saturday. And this guy hit me up on Patreon. And he was talking about Joey. I think it's time for you to get a dog. I said, oh, duh. Duh, you know, but I got two cats still.

You know, I hate saying this in front of Evie, but I don't give her another month. You know, the broken artifact, you know, her and her sister were inseparable. Mike was saying that the last two zooms we did, the sisters were in there, little fucking pen beating the fuck out of each other. It was tremendous, but... You could hear them on there. Yeah, you could hear them on there. But they were tight.

They loved each other. And, uh, it was really sad to see her fucking go. You know, I could come on here and cry and listen. I've been looking at her and playing with her for the last six months. I knew her time was going to expire. It was just, I didn't know when. I wish it wouldn't have happened before the fucking holidays. It'll affect our home a little bit.

Thank God my wife's going away to see her family and shit and, uh, the holidays this week. But no, this is going to be a little rough thing for the house this week. And, uh, guys, it's all a part of fucking grown up. You know, I was a little down Saturday afternoon when my wife took her, because they called and they said she's fine. We think it's diabetes. And then they went out and they told my wife that, no. Her, uh, her functions have given up her kidney or her liver.

Something had given up. They shut down. So my wife said she went in and said goodbye. She called me. She took a picture of her, but she said by the time they got to the hospital, every time my wife would pet her, she would turn around and hide. I don't know if you know that when cats feel like they're going to die. They don't want to see.

They don't want you to see them dying. So they hide and she was already hiding. I could tell Friday night something was up with her because when I was petting the Friday night, she was meowing loud. I had never heard of me out that loud. So something was giving up. She was in pain and, uh, she's in a better fucking place. Guys, you know, listen, animals come and go.

They become part of your fucking family and it sucks when they go. But it's something that I've been dealing with for years. Remember, I had 11 of these motherfuckers. So, you know, every time one died, I lost a little piece of me. You know, the one that hurt the most for me was super bad. You know, I always thought that after he died, I like just a little doubt in my head that maybe I would do coke again, but no, I never did. I mean, his love stuck and, uh, I'm happy.

I got to experience these guys. You know, I grew up without cats. I didn't know what a fucking cat was. You know, when I was a kid, you know, we threw fucking bottles at him or whatever or fucking yelled at him. And then for years whenever I would go to somebody's house who had a cat, when they jump on me and I bet them they'd purr, but the purring, I thought with them like growling, I never owned the cat.

So when you piss off a dog, the dog goes, errr, when you piss off a cat, I don't know what noise they make, but they start fucking purring. And once they start doing that shit with threading, I don't know what they call kneeling, whatever, on your leg. I thought they were going to attack me so I throw them off. And the owners would go, what happened? You know, the cat loves you. And I'm like, no, that cat was sticking me with nails.

No, that means he loves you. You know what? Fuck that shit. Nobody who loves you sticks fucking nails into you. So, you know what I'm saying? That cat don't fucking love me, but little did I know that that's part of that thing. And now I got like a cat. Who used to need, oh, the gray, the cat at night, my night cat, the therapist,

she fucking does that to me at night. And I got to like sit there for fucking an hour and let her do a thing while she's getting her head together. And you know, even that, we're gray at night. My day is complete. I turn the TV off. You know, they always say to turn your appliances off. Don't watch the computer.

And that's what I do at night. I turn the TV off. I try to read a fucking chapter of any book that I have, just a chapter, just a chapter. And I've been getting into Led Zeppelin again. And to make it fucking worse, that Bob LaLingus just sent me a new biography that came out by Led Zeppelin. Holy shit. Holy shit.

You know, Bob LaLingus has been sending me Zeppelin books for years. He sent me the Jimmy Page book. He sent me the big Led Zeppelin book, the three-parter. That's fucking huge. And now he sent me this new book. I should have brought it in here to show you guys a great Christmas present. You know, I was reading the one chapter about Led Zeppelin. I'll wrap after this.

I know I've been talking a little too much today. You're like, Joe, you're giving me a fucking ear beating today. I know. I'm in a good mood. I'm happy, guys. The holidays are coming. We get to spend time with our families. I got to spread the fucking cheer.

I know a lot of you, motherfucker, this is a tough time of the year for you. But again, this is a tough time for me, too. It took a couple of years to adjust, and I finally did it. My mother's gone. My father's gone. I'm not going to bring him back. So what am I going to do? Sit like a fucking orphan on Christmas Eve and cry?

No. Christmas is the best time of the fucking year. You know what? They're looking down on me going, what the fuck, Joey? Spark up that Christmas tree like that motherfucker on fire. Shoot that poison arrow through my heart, you fuck. Listen, I'm going to make the best Christmas I can this year. I was a little upset that my wife and my daughter were leaving me after Christmas.

They'll be back by New Year's, but I'm like, this is the time of the year for this shit. Go, jump on a plane, fucking get COVID, stand online for two hours, get abused at the fucking airport. Be my guest if that's what you want to do. I'm going to sit tight this holiday season, enjoy what's going on here, have a great fucking time, and just get ready for 2022. Listen, whether with the cat, without the cat, without the kids, it's going to be a great fucking holiday. Let me tell you what else I'm fired up about. I'm really fired up about 2022 guys, and I hope you guys are getting fired up.

In fact, tomorrow I'll start reading the art of war. I mean, I'm getting ready. I don't know what war is coming up. I don't know what we're going to do. I don't know what I'm doing this year. I'm going to finish this fucking book, and I love to fucking do a one-man show. For years I tried to do a one-man show. I knew I had it in me, and I think that's the route to go.

I still want to perform, but I think I would just want to tell that story, you know, and once we get the book ready, I'll just rip out the shit from the book once it's finished, and that's what we'll present at the fucking one-man show. I think I'll do it towards the end of the year. It's going to take me some time to write. I've been already making notes of what I want to say on it. You know, I think it's going to be fun. I'm excited about it. You know, I'm just going to take it right from the book, so once the book gets released, it's the book and the one-man show.

I'll do a couple of book signings, you know. I'm going to try to do my best guys, but I'm just excited for 2022. I'm not excited for the surprises it's going to throw on us. What are you talking about? What surprises? I don't know. I don't know. We might get a mandate here in Jersey. We might get more vaccine mandates.

You know, we could only put 600 dollars in the bank. You know, there's just so much stupid shit that I've been hearing lately. I don't even pay attention to it because I got to do what the fuck I do. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck what they're doing. That's fine what they're doing, but we're going to do what we do. We can't have money in the bank. I don't even know all the shit that's going on.

It doesn't even matter to me, but expect a little fucking surprise next year. I don't know what it's going to be. I don't know if it's going to fucking even affect us, but I'm just letting you get prepared. You know, we got mandates in New York, shit's closing down. We got mandates in LA. Now they put extra mandates in LA, didn't they? Because the numbers are high again. We're still safe here in Jersey.

We still don't have to wear a mask inside even though the numbers are up. You know, all I could say to you guys, it's, there's the best time to hear. I cannot believe the fucking, you know, that you're going to be scared. Now you're going to go to a Christmas party that you might get sick. Listen, live your fucking life. This thing is here with us. And it's like my girl, Sandy Sonati said on fucking patronage. She goes, Joey, you were right.

Me and my father got COVID. Well, guess what? We're all going to fucking get it, but I rather get it January 2nd. They get it December 22nd. You know what I'm saying? So avoid Christmas parties, avoid heavy breathers and just enjoy your fucking holiday guys. Cause it's going to be a great one. I just feel it.

I feel it in my heart and in my bones. I've been down for so long for the last year and a half between pandemics, knee surgeries, moving that I'm ready for my fucking life guys. So it's going to be a great fucking week. That's all you need to fucking know from your uncle Joey. Thank you for watching the show today. Thank you for all the warm hearted messages about Lulu. She's in a better fucking place now.

Now I got to deal with my girl, Evie. As you could see, we, she was in here earlier. I picked her up and brought her outside, but she doesn't want to be alone out there. It's just an ugly reminder. I don't blame her. You know, so she's sleeping. She's out fucking cold right now as out as she could be. And I love her to death.

Thank you. I have a great fucking week. This is a great fucking day to get your shit together. And remember, you got four more shoplifting days left, right? It's the 20th or the 21st. Who gives a fuck? I love you cocksuckers with all my heart. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack, I love you cocksuckers.

All right, you cocksuckers, I love you. I know I was all over the place today, but who gives a fuck? I'm so excited. I want to stab three motherfuckers. Maybe four. I'm not sure yet. Anyway, the joint is brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen, I've been with BetterHelp now for close to six or seven months.

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