Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #127 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Monday, January 3rd..... This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter, Better Help & DraftKings….. Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY & Try it for FREE! Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Download the DraftKings SportsBook or Fantasy Apps & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $200 in Free Bets when you Bet $5 on any College/Professional NFL Team when they win…. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the joint. It's Monday, the third of January. It's a whole new fucking year with a whole new ship, with a whole new set of whole fucking rats. That's the way we're looking at it. It was a great little holiday. I'm happy that we took the fucking week off because I got COVID. I finally got COVID for Christmas. I tested positive Christmas Eve. It was official Christmas day. Best thing that fucking happened to me in a goddamn long time. Everybody had been fighting not to get this shit. Everybody thought they were immune to this shit.

But like I said, we're all going to get it eventually. It's how prepared you are for it. I'm a fat fuck. I'm out of shape. I got a fungi toenail. I got sleep apnea. I got a bunch of shit. So I had to be on top of my game throughout this whole thing. I knew rest would be it. And I got to be honest with you. I know where I got it. I got it at my daughter's kickbox in place. The lady I was talking to Monday before Christmas, her husband had it. And we were bullshitting about it. She said, you know, he took all the fucking bells and whistles and he was doing okay. But I think I got it from her. It developed the 23rd pretty much. I could feel it. I had a chunk of fucking diarrhea come out of my ass. Chicken bones, garlic cloves.

Everything that could come out came out and I knew something was up. I had body aches. But you know us guys, we're working out. We're walking. Going to Jiu Jitsu. I'm an old man. So I get sore if I fucking whack off. So I didn't know what the fuck was wrong with me. I whack off. I get sore. I throw a back muscle. I haven't whacked off in a while. But just saying, when you get older fucking, you pull a muscle fucking, you get the flu whacking off, you know. So you got to be careful. You got to be on top of things. I'm really happy. I listened. I'm very happy. I went and bought backups on all those fucking vitamins. That was the first thing I did when I felt better last week. I wouldn't got some more fucking vitamins.

I had my wife get the okala, whatever the fuck that is, the D, the zinc and doesn't help guys. Who the fuck knows? I don't know. I know I feel better. I look better. My thinking has been great and I got to be honest here. I was fucking, you know, I always thought when people pulled up the test or when they got the test in the email, how you would react. Like I was always thinking about that. How am I going to react when I get it? When I got it, man, I swear to God, when my wife said I was positive, I had a little fear, maybe four percent, believe it or not. I had four percent that I was going to die. Like I thought it just crossed my mind for a fucking second. And then as the night went in, I can't believe how I felt lighter. Like I was like 20 pounds fucking lighter when I went to get a water that night.

And I was like, wow, I feel this much fucking better. Part of my whole dilemma was the fear I had of COVID. I'm big enough to admit, amen. If you look at it, a lot of people today do your reading. Mental health has been a fucking part. If you don't got COVID, you got a little mental health issue right now. Not everybody's going to make it out of this motherfucker live in the words of Jim Morrison. This is, you know, I've been here for the last six weeks telling you motherfuckers that 2022 is our year. We're going to make it work. And listen, we are going to make it work and we're prepared and we're ready to go. My goals are written. I'm reading the art of war. You know, it's back. It's the first.

We go back to the original thing and I've told you all, but I feel like I let you down because it is going to be a great year for us. We're still going to keep doing what the fuck we need to do. It's our surroundings. We don't know where this is all going. It's not fucking good. We're going to keep pushing no matter what, you know, like I always say, it doesn't matter who's president. You got to keep getting up in the morning. Call me when the president says, listen, I'm going to mail you a check, a nice check, and you don't have to do nothing but fan your fucking pussy all day. That's the president. I walk, I, I vote 10 times for, I fucking get rid of my, you know, over the break. I try to do the right thing, guys. And you guys have been on me for years. My friends have been on me for years. Family members have been on me for years.

Like, listen, man, you always talk about the felonious experience experience. But guess what? You're not in the felonious zone anymore. You've been out of that zone for 20 fucking years. Why don't you go get your fucking record, whatever the fuck is sponged and all that shit? Well, guys, I was working on that for about a week and a half. And I got to tell you something. All these attorneys that called me that were friends of mine and were like, oh, we could do that. Just making a call. Fuck. When I called the attorney, he took the case. He took the situation. He's like, I'll do it, but I'm not making it on guarantees because this is a fucking nightmare. You got to get everybody in Colorado on board.

Like everybody, like the arresting officers, the DA, the prosecutor. Well, first of all, the prosecutor that prosecuted me as long as he fucking flew the coop right after my trial. He became an environmentalist. He went to work for the fucking feds. He went from prosecuting me for kidnapping to going to go after people for fucking throwing a piece of paper out the window. That's more, but you know, those businesses that fucking throw syringes in the ocean and shit, those motherfuckers. So he went from kidnapped from me. He went from prosecuting my Cuban ass to kidnapping to fucking whatever that. Let's just start with that guy. My attorney, he's in Colorado Springs. I think he's a slip and fall guy now. He doesn't even do criminal fucking law.

The two cops, the one cop retired and me and him. Okay. We talk on Facebook from time to time. He don't want me to, he don't want nobody to know, but he's proud of me and I'm proud of him. We both, you know, made amends to each other. The other fucking detective, he's not going to go for it at all. I know this motherfucker. This motherfucker still throws arrows at me and shit. There's a comic in Boulder who's a cop, like a part time cop. And I worked with him one weekend at the comedy works and he was telling me the shit this cop was saying. Listen, he ain't lying. But that was a long time ago. Let it go slick just because you stayed as a fucking punk ass foot soldier and bold and then do nothing with your fucking life. That's not my fucking problem. I changed. I changed for the better and I'm happy about it.

But you know what? After thinking about it, I'm just going to leave the record there. I don't give a fuck. I did it. It's done. Time to move the fuck on and go on to the next mind fucking Seattle. Forget about it. Seattle don't ever want me up there when I fucking got a guy to go down and look for my records in Seattle. That motherfucker called me back and he goes, listen, your records were so fucking buried in that stock room that it took me like a week to get them. Like nobody gives a fuck, but they want me to go back to, you know what? I'm going to sit right here tight. If we need a passport, I don't know. We'll fucking print it up ourselves. I know friends who get passports all the time, but now you ain't going nowhere. They're looking at that passport with a fucking, you know what I'm saying?

They're deep in that fucking passport. Now they're looking for vaccines and shit. So I'm just going to sit right here in New Jersey. I don't give a fuck, you know, but that's what I was doing before. I was trying to do so many fucking things. I want to get an office. I called 20 people. I talked to three realtors. Every office I looked at, I got one more hope. They're building an office building down the corner. You see that? Yeah. And I went there. The other guy's like, I'll call you like the fucking 10th of January. I'll let you know we have something in the back that's small. I said, listen, but I want to be outside. I don't want to be in an office office. I want to be outside. Like I want the office we had. Like we could go outside. There's a little yard in the back. We could shoot fucking videos.

You know, listen, I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting any guests for the next two months. So, I mean, I'm not killing myself, but that was the whole thing. It wasn't just for the guests. It was to shoot little videos and do little things. I don't have to do here. Like this morning I had to kick my daughter and my wife out for fucking two hours because, you know, we got shit to do and people to see. I'm down here yelling and screaming, saying fucking racial epitets. And she's upstairs. I can't have it. And that's why I was thinking about like Mike, like if we had an office, we could do podcasts at night. You know, a little water, cocksuckers. You got to hydrate. You know what I'm saying? God, that's the most important thing of this COVID.

But I will tell you what I did do. That was pretty fucking interesting. You know, and I'll walk it for you guys. I don't give a fuck. I tested positive on a Thursday, confirmed it on a Friday. And then Friday I just relaxed. It was Christmas Eve. You know, I didn't, my wife and my daughter moved upstairs. I was in the fucking basement with the door open, freezing to death. I had chills. I had sweats the first couple of nights. I fucking sweat the first two nights. The second night, guys, I had to get up in the middle of the night, take a shower, take all my clothes off and change the fucking bed. That's how much sweat I was sweating. Like the first two, three nights I was drenched and even last night I had a little bit of fucking sweat because I'm still sleeping with a sweatshirt on, with a hooded sweatshirt. I'm time to sweat it out. But I'm going to tell you what really I caught out of this COVID.

I was watching, you know, listen, guys, all you have to do is write the first three days. All I could do is maybe write. I tried to play the guitar. I got fucking dizzy. You know, I just drank a check my temperature, check my oxygen levels. I was the first fucking three days, you know, and then you're home all day. You know, you can't do anything. When I opened up the garage, I went for walks. I breathed. I mean, the second, the first and second day I had it, it was gorgeous out. So the girls were gone. So I would open up the garage door and put a fucking lawn chair out there and get vitamin D with my blanket. Because I knew vitamin D would help fucking kill the COVID. I mean, just natural vitamin, not drinking a gallon of milk or fucking taking pills and shit. I want a fucking son, you know, so I went out there both days and how I was out there one day getting sun. The next day I was out there for a few fucking hours. But at night, that one night, I think it was a Christmas Eve night. I was up. The girls came back. They went to bed. I couldn't sleep.

And it was like two or three days of watching TV. I was on my second day of watching TV. And you guys know I can't deal with fucking TV all day. You know, I could deal with like half time of a game, a period here, a quarter here, you know, and then I walk around and I do all this shit. I mean, I watched a ton of movies during the break. I watched fucking Cobra Kai. I watched, I watched, I started watching the wire again because I'd watched everything. But the Christmas Eve, something happened that night that really it made my Christmas Eve was fucking great. I was sitting there and I noticed there was nothing on TV. So I started reading the book. I have a Bible Linger sent me this Led Zeppelin book. Trust me, I'm on like eight fucking books on Led Zeppelin. I want to kill this year. I love Led Zeppelin. I love everything about him. But so I was just looking the line of notes and shit like that. I noticed the longest yard was on. Longest yard is on every fucking day if you let it, you know. I'll be honest with you guys. I watched it when it came out in 2004. I mean, 2005. I went to two premiers. I went to like a screening and then I watched it again with some friends.

And after that, I was like, I'm not watching this anymore. And when it comes on TV, I always look at the scene. It's on. I giggle and I just scroll by it. That's it. I can't sit there and watch that movie and go, that's me. I can't. That's fucking embarrassing guys. And I let it go. You know, when people get those movies, like I know a thousand people that get those movies there and they won't go for another movie. They just hold on to that movie for years. They wear the gear from it. They wear the t-shirts from it. And that's that big breakout thing. You know, when I did the longest yard 2005, when the year ended, I put all that shit away. I'm finding shit. You know what I found last week in this closet? I found something I haven't seen exactly in 16 years. I found, you know, like when you sit in a Hollywood chair, they have your name on a thing behind it and they have like the longest yard or whatever movie you're in. I found my chair thing that they told me not to take. They're like, don't take that. You're not allowed to take it. I was like, fuck you.

I took that motherfucker to go. I had not seen that thing since we shot the fucking movie. And when I was cleaning out the closet the other day, we had me and Mike talked about cleaning out that closet for three months. That closet, I don't know, when I was a kid, there was a TV show about some cartoon guy every time he went for the closet, the closet fell on top of him and he would have to unbury himself and shit. And then the rest of the afternoon he would put the shit back in the closet. Then the next day he would open up the closet and the shit would fall down. Guys, I had so much shit in that fucking closet. I had boxes in there that I had not opened up from the move. Like there was still four boxes from the fucking move that I took out of there one day. This is how boring COVID is because COVID is boring as fuck. Trust me, I can't watch TV all day. So I came back here, I would do the fucking closet and sections and then I was finding the shit that was mine. I was bringing it into every room that it belonged to, once and for all.

You're like when you pick something out of a box and you're like, I'll put that upstairs later. And two months later the fucking, all in one fucking light or whatever the fuck you bought is still sitting there. I didn't want, that's what's been happening here since the first day. We took shit out of boxes, put it on a table and said, oh, in a week I'll move that up. It never got moved. So what I did was I put my fucking iPhone on and I tracked my steps. I must have walked 3,000 miles that day, putting everything exactly where it fucking belonged. I threw out so much shit that was in there. I know my brother was like, give it to me. There was nothing in there, nobody wanted. It was like open fucking but, but, uh, ball wabs from Manscaped. It was a thousand things that were like individuals, like shit that had broken t-shirts that were old.

I found the t-shirt from my cocaine days. I didn't even look at the armpits. I just threw it the fuck away. You know, I was like, I don't need to look at this shit, but that's done. I cleaned out the garage. I had a desk that was fucking filled with junk. I cleaned that motherfucker out. I mean, I did a lot during the COVID except go out or fucking be able to do shit. So when you're stuck at home, you might as well look at all those fucking projects. I worked out very lightly. I waited till like, uh, the fifth day. And then like the one day I just walked around the front, you know, when you have COVID, this COVID, I don't know which one. Oh, if it's Armacron, I don't know. I don't know. I didn't look at the fucking swab guys.

I just know that, you know, I had a little shortness of breath. There were moments when my oxygen would drop to 93. That's as low as it went. My pulse is great. You know, I have one of those little fucking pulses. I put them on every day this summer. I would wake up to a pulse of 38. That's how bad my pulse was this summer and I would jack it up, work on it, work on it, work on it. So anyway, but back to the fucking longest yard before I fucking confuse your motherfuckers or what was in the closet, the closet's done. The closet looks like a fucking million bucks. I'm happy. I got one more thing I want to do in there. Mercy drew all those pictures, you know, pre-K, K, first grade, second grade. Well, not really second grade, first grade. I got fucking folders of pictures.

So what I'm going to do is just put them into one big folder and maybe save them for, I don't know, I'm going to put them away. Because if you put them away in a box, they're going to get fucking wrinkled. But when I was watching the longest yard that Christmas Eve, I was like, I don't want to watch this shit. I went, I was doing something. I was getting weed ready to do a bong or something like that. The next thing I fucking know, I'm watching these scenes and I was watching, like I was watching the scene, but not really. I was remembering what we were doing that day. Like that's what I was seeing. Like my mind wouldn't focus on just the movie. Every time a different scene switch, I was like, I wasn't in that scene. I wasn't there that morning because I didn't want to fucking put the costume on.

Towards the end, I was just a fucking rogue on that movie. But the thing I'm getting to is, while I was watching that movie, I realized who I was when I shot that movie. I'm not the person I was today. I was fucking handicapped at that point, guys. I really was handicapped mentally, physically and psychologically with that fucking cocaine. The question I had for myself after watching, I didn't watch the whole movie. I got the pressing after a while because it all kept going back to, I can't believe I was in that bad a shape when I shot this movie. Not because I was 418 pounds, but the amount of drugs I was doing up to shooting this while I auditioned, you know, who I was at that time when I shot this movie. There's no way. I don't know how I booked that movie.

I don't know how the fuck I got into his office. I have no idea. It saddens me at one point of it, but the other part fucking makes me really happy because it'll show you that even when you're on your worst, you could still be at your fucking, you could still be doing good things. I mean, listen, when you look at that guy in that movie, you're looking at a guy at that point in my life that did not give a fuck about anything except succeeding. Except getting ahead. That's all I cared about. In my world, it was like I was getting ahead by shooting the movie, but I was taking two steps back by snorting coke. Are you with me here? But I didn't see that. I didn't see that. I had focused so much on comedy.

I had focused so much on my comedy career. There's no joke that I didn't give a fuck about my health. I mean, I sacrificed my health for the fucking that movie, like not for that particular movie, but you think about it, the shape I was in at that time. I mean, let's be honest, I couldn't even climb up my steps. I was having a hard time going up and down three flights of fucking steps, guys. If the elevator would break, I would not leave the house. It was built in me psychologically that I couldn't fucking leave the house like I just couldn't do it. I wouldn't even bother to walk down there.

You know, when I watch that movie, I watch, I think about me going into the Y when that movie finished and signing up for a free consultation. And the guy going, listen, man, after like 10 minutes, I'm going, I can't help you. You're too fucking fat and you're too fucking out of shape. I thought I was dead, but you know what? I didn't care how fat I was. I didn't give a fuck about how coked up I was. I wasn't coked up when I was shooting the movie. I don't want you to understand that.

Not at all. There was no way I would do coke and try to do a fucking scene. That's not going to happen in my world. I'm talking about what I was living through at that time. Five nights a fucking week, you know, getting high, not caring about myself, eating like a fucking savage from, you know, 10 eggs for breakfast, McDonald breakfasts. It was four or five sodas before lunchtime. You know, I just wasn't right. So the question looms on me.

How did I get that movie? What pushed me fucking forward to get that fucking movie till this day? I never know. But I guess it was just the, the want. I wanted it fucking badly, man. I didn't give a fuck. All I wanted in those days, I wasn't looking for pussy. I was thank God I had a girlfriend at the time because I wasn't in the mood for pussy.

I wasn't in the mood for getting my dick sucked at that 2004. All I gave a fuck was making my point fucking hurt that that's it. That was, that was the end all fucking be all. I just wanted to do something with my life. You know, when I shot, when I finished shooting that movie, I was 44 years old. I had nothing. That movie just, you know, took me, sucked me the fuck in for everything I had. And I went there and I came through like a fucking fact cat.

I'm very, very proud of myself for that. There's people that are sober and can't do what I did in that fucking movie. And I'm not trying to fucking, you know, push smoke up my ass, but it's the fucking truth. You know, we had Catherine Arducci on here a couple of months ago. And she told me before the premiere of the many sayings, she goes, watch it, enjoy it and take it in. And for the first time since that movie had come on in 2005, it was the first time I watched it, embraced it, sucked it in and said, what the fuck was I doing there? And listen, guys, for a lot of, when that movie came out, you have no idea what I was going through.

I was getting fucking hate mail every day. I was getting hate not in the mail like the mailman would deliver it. You know, there was no Instagram. There was not that shit, but I was getting tortured on fucking like my space. I think and whatever the fuck was out my own hotmail, like people were fucking sending me shit. Like you're not Italian. Why are you in that movie? What's it got to do with it? Fucking what's his name played in the Godfather?

He wasn't Italian either. I mean, how can you play big Tony comics? A bunch of fucking comics who remain nameless, you know, that would nothing at the time. And they're still nobodies. They got together. They really are. They're really, they're really nobodies. They got like a circle together.

Like Joe is not Italian. You know, and they wrote a letter to Adam Sandler. Somebody wrote a letter to Adam Sandler. I was a Coke fiend. You know, people were telling me to my face. I wouldn't have got that movie if it wasn't for Joe Rogan. How many times have you seen Adam Sandler on the Joe Rogan experience? Okay.

So shut the fuck up. You know, that was a long time ago. Those people who said that shit are probably long gone. They're probably eating the victim into victim somewhere. They're fucking who knows what the fuck they're doing. But it was a fucking nightmare going in there every day because I didn't know who was going to come out of the woodwork with another fucking comment. I don't go Joey, you know, but all that aside, man, when I fucking finished that movie, like I didn't finish it.

I just turned it off and kept reading, but it fucked up my mind a lot. It fucked up my mind that I didn't give a fuck about anything else. I was just worried about comedy. And now I don't even know who that person is. Like I look at that person 16 years later. I was trying to figure out who that fucking guy was. You know, all I saw was a fat guy with a lot of heart and I was fucking scared as shit in that movie. I was scared of dying.

I was scared of getting fired from that movie. I was scared of getting outed. And when I watched the movie, the scenes I was in, I mean, I watched the scene. I was laughing my ass off, guys. It was the movie scene. We were in the movies and I was controlling the VCR and all that shit. I went back to what was going on that day. There was two, two scenes that stuck out in my head.

The VCR scene and the movie thing. We were watching the opposing team and I got to tell you what scene killed me in that. When we were eating the fucking turkey and the cranberry leg and all that shit, the cranberry juice was like a mock. It was like a real cut in scene. Let me tell you something. That scene took like 12 fucking hours and it was a Friday and they brought in a bunch of fried chicken. They brought in a turkey, whatever the fuck chicken, whatever the fuck they had, they stocked it up. Now to top it off, Goldberg was there that day and he was doing like that.

It just so happened that that scene fucking was shot on the same day that a bunch of blind kids were coming on the set. Like, guys, I can't even, I can't even write this out for you. I can't even say these things to you. I think it was Maury Povich, his good friends with Goldberg. So he got a deal with Goldberg. It was a Friday that the kids were going to come in like all these blind kids, Jerry Lewis kids, you know, they were, I don't know what type of kids they were. Just not in good shape. My heart goes out to them.

I'm not trying to make jokes here. I'm just telling you, these were fucked up kids. I don't know. He was bringing like 40 of them or 50 of these motherfuckers and that day was the same day. Like three dudes said, dog, it's Friday. Don't forget to bring a quarter ounce of weed and form it. So I was like, holy shit, I got to pick up a pound of weed and go down there. You know, sorry, dog.

It was like, it was like yesterday. I still remember waking up. I still remember, you know, I had the money at the house for the quarter pounds. I had to get, I had to get like three quarter pounds. So I said, fuck it. Let me just get a half pound. And so I called the Armenian and he brought, he had this tremendous weed at the time. There was no weed stores.

There was not a shit. I was getting weed from this fucking dealer. That was a beat. But there was, you know, the Coke dealer had some weed from time to time. That was pretty good. But my main weed at the time was the Armenian. And I'll never forget these guys at the, they were rich. They gave me fucking, they were like, how much?

I don't know what I told them. It was like 700. I would tell them 900 even though I was making money. They're rich. I got to bang them out. What the fuck? I've been banging out poor people fucking 30,000 years. When you see all these, I never understood like restaurants.

Like when the Hollywood guy comes in, like they give him a free meal. Fuck him. All these companies send you free shit, like tons of free shit. I always think about like the little guy, like what the fuck? Like when I used to get two albums from that company, I would always give an album away. Like I always, that's what I do. I call Dean Delray, Jim. I mean, I haven't gotten on since Mike, but I would give it to Mike Lee.

I'm one of those fucking, but these people would give you free shit constantly. And I'm like, what the fuck? But you pay, you make the poor people fucking pay. I never understood that shit. What are we talking about? I don't even fucking know here. I feel bad for Mike because I always try to hook Mike up with the latest gadgets, the latest reefer.

I always do. I'm very loyal to my friends, but I got some stars of debt than last week from my company. We're putting out a star as a debt chain. He told me when he came to lunch, he goes, listen, you consider him putting the fucking edible line. I go, yeah, I'm working something with ABX for the capsules, but you know, I like to fucking do something else. He goes, how about a star of debt?

So he sent me two kinds of stars of debt. He sent me the blue ones are made with like Delta nine or something like hemp based products and CBN and something else. There's a sleepy time one and the red ones are 100. They're both 100 milligrams. I'm sorry. I tried to get them to 200, but the legislature's cutting us down. I'm sure they'll be tuned.

I'm sure there'll be some 200 on the markets. They told me that they're getting ready to shoot a 500. They want to put together a 500 milligram one. So what we'll do with laughing gas in 2022 is this. Cocoa was still there. The 35% laughing gas is still there. That's always going to remain. What we're going underneath is we're going with four weeks.

One's going to be like 36, 38, and one's going to be fucking. You're going to the insane asylum at this year. 72 fucking percent. We got two edibles. We're getting licenses for Vegas. We're getting licenses for Colorado, New York, and New Jersey. New Jersey's open. New York's not going to be ready for two years.

So it looks like I'm going into the weed motherfucking business guys. And that's the business I want to go into. Like I told my wife, who said 30 years of smoking dope gets you nowhere. You know what I'm saying? I proved that shit wrong, cock suckers. So all you motherfuckers that your sisters, your brothers, and your uncles told you to put that shit down. It's never going to get you nowhere.

They were wrong. Fuck them. I told you, no good deed comes back on fucking turned. Whatever the expression is. So 40 years of smoking pot paid off. Okay. So I'm very proud of that. You know, I don't know how to grow weed and I don't know the genetics.

I don't know that shit. But I know how to smoke weed and I know how to review weed. And I know how to tell you motherfuckers is the weed you need to go. Look at this shit we came up with this week. This is different. This is nothing from ice cream shop. This is a different company. A dear friend of mine started growing weed about 20 years ago.

He grew the first 29% strawberry cough. I remember bringing it to the Philadelphia fucking helium. The guys were on stage and I would blow pot at them from the side. And they're like trying to crack jokes and they're looking at the smoke coming at them. And Rogan was like, get that shit away from me at 29%. I'm talking into the butt like it's a microphone. That's when you know. Take a look at this.

Cocksuckers. Fucking beautiful. Oof. Oof is fucking moochers. And I let it dry for Mike. When I got it was a little wet. You'd smoke it. You'd go, this weed don't get you hot.

And this is a Tiva. How many times you guys see me smoke a Tiva? Never. I'm smoking because his sativas are so fucking strong. You get like a fucking chill to it, whatever. But my point with the longest shot was man was that I'm proud. I did it. I can't believe I did it.

I can't fucking believe. I mean, I can't believe that's, that was the thing that shocked me the most. The unlike guys that I could not believe I was in that movie. I never dreamt of that. I still remember saying the original. I still remember going to the screening of it after the movie was done in Florida for the Super Bowl and how pissed off I was because I want it to be like the original. I didn't want to see Adam sticking his finger in his mouth and putting in the guys ear.

I didn't appreciate none of that shit, but I appreciated me being on that set. I couldn't, till this day guys, I don't know what gave me the belief to even send that audition tape. And I mean, I told you guys thousands of fucking times and I was not kidding you that when I stepped foot in Los Angeles in 97, I sat down. I didn't know much about goals and all that shit then, but I did and I wrote down goals and one of the goals was to try to be an extra in a movie or a TV show. That was my goal.

That was my goal. Usually I put like a goal like and then three reasons how I'm going to get to that thing. I would just want to be an extra for some reason. I never thought I would ever get on a set and I never really thought that somebody was stupid enough to let me on a fucking set. I didn't know the politics ever so I didn't know anything. And once I got mad TV and shit, I remember I would leave those places going, oh well. Wait till they look at the fucking background.

I guess nobody looks at background reports. I guess nobody gives a fuck if you stab somebody in the eye with a pencil. I mean, nobody ever said anything to me. I put it as far away from my mind as could be for starters. When I was doing all that shit, I lie to you guys and I tell you that I don't think about anything to do with that fucking felony. That's as far away from my mind as can fucking be. Better yet, felonies, plural.

That's as far away from my mind as can be. I don't let that take me down at all. That's why I didn't give a fuck about the sponging you think. You can't get rid of who you've been. You can never fucking, you know, what if somebody does want to hire me in two years and they do do a background check and they see that it's been a sponge. Like they'll go, what the fuck Joey, you told us but then you will sponge it. Listen man, you can't change what you were back then.

But you could change who you are today and that's what I do every fucking day. I try to be a little better. Some days it works, some days it doesn't, you know, but hanging in there and keep throwing spaghetti on the walls. The only way you're going to get forward, you know, it's 2022 man. And I, I really wanted this to be a different year. First of all, I think I'm done with all the external shit. Like we made the tapering go away.

I'm feeling a lot better. I've lost some weight. Like I didn't think I did accomplish anything last year. Like I was walking around here in October feeling like shit. What's happened you bad motherfuckers? You know the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Now we've spoken about BetterHelp on this show before and this month we're discussing some of the stigmas around mental health.

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D-I-A-Z is the code. That's BetterHelp.com. And check out BetterHelp's new podcast, Getting Better Stories of Mental Health. Nia, Megan Trainor opens up about motherhood or how the NBA, all the famous Chris Bosch, tames anxiety. Find Getting Better on Apple, Spotify and everywhere else where you find podcasts. But listen, if you need someone to talk to BetterHelp, it's going to help you the way they help me. Pressing code D-I-A-Z and get 10% off your first month. And then I started thinking about my work with Eric on the book. Guys, I'm more excited for this book to get finished than I was for any specialized shot.

Anything I want to do with comedy. I gotta be honest here, when I started writing this book last January, I wasn't all there in this book. And I think that we're gonna have to go back to the beginning and add some spots. I think I missed some spots. I wasn't really at a good place mentally. I think I started getting into this book, you know, because it was the same story. If you tell the same fucking story every day, I was trying to write this book for fucking 10 years. I wrote this book already five times with five different people. They would always bail. They would have something else. I would have something else.

I would fucking look at it for a month. And finally, I got somebody who was, I mean, we spoke. I told her she had to stay on for the whole book. The whole thing, Erica is doing a phenomenal fucking job. But I tell you, who else is doing a good job? I am. I am by fucking sticking with it. You know, I've had to peel back the layers. This is harder for me, this book, because right now I'm not writing about my mother dying.

I'm not writing about the easy stuff, me going to jail. I'm writing about getting cleaned, getting married right now, us looking to move. Right now I'm in the chapter when we just moved to the valley. And I'm looking at all this shit between that and the longest yard. Guys, I didn't even remember half this shit. This is why I was talking to you about the longest yard this morning. We always talk about the longest yard, but not from this angle. I was watching that movie last week or whenever the fuck two weeks ago, Christmas Eve,

and I got to be honest with you, I was put there mentally. And I was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even here mentally when I was on the fucking set. I was too busy doing coke and, you know, I wasn't in good spirits when I did that movie. There was a part of me that was, you know, I was focused for the movie. I was focused to be on that set. Obviously you could tell from me being in that fucking thing. I was in that goddamn movie, but I wasn't.

My mind wasn't fucking there. When I look at it now, I can't believe I did what I did. And when I'm writing these chapters in this book, I can't believe I did all that shit. I was on to something after 2005. After I saw that movie, I had a huge rock bottom. I hit rock bottom. I can't believe how bottom I hit. And I kept fucking pushing.

I kept pushing. You guys didn't know. Nobody knew when I was doing, when at the end of that movie, what I went through. I think Joe knew, you know, I was having a hard run at it with the drugs. You know, I was having a hard run at it at the house. I was trying to hide it from my wife. I was trying to keep, you know, you can never live your life right when you're hiding something from your best friend. Once I realized she was my best friend, it made my life so much fucking easier.

I didn't tell her I quit Coke till a year after I quit Coke. That's where we're at right now at the book. We're about me telling her and her being in shock. First time I told my wife, my wife knew I was getting high. She just didn't know the extent of it. And she didn't know the things I was doing. And the first time I told her the truth, she cried like anybody else would. If I told you guys the truth, you know, I've told you the truth here through jokes and whatever.

I've never told you the hard, dirty facts of being on the floor and getting up and crying after you're doing Coke. And I wouldn't let myself look in the mirror like it was just the creepiest fucking thing I went through. So when I shake that shit, when I shook that fucking thing, I didn't know what I was shaking. I had shaken like a fucking curse. It was a goddamn curse. And watching that movie the other day let me know that I don't know where the fuck I was at. And I'm sure there's musicians. I've read with those musicians that the band is broken up.

They've been out of the band for four or five years. I read a thing about fucking Jimmy Page that, you know, when he was doing that band with Rogers, remember that band, keep me on tonight. I'm radioactive. I'm radioactive. When Bonham first broke up, when Bonham first died, I think Led Zeppelin tried to do a couple of things. But then like by 84, the guy from Bad Company and Jimmy Page formed the band. I can't remember the name of it right now.

It wasn't bad. They tore it a little bit. You know, they tore a little bit. And then like, I don't know, I just read this maybe five years ago that it took him like six years to unwind from Led Zeppelin, you know, with the heroin because he was on heroin throughout the whole Led Zeppelin thing. He was on heroin on their last fucking, well, they didn't do a last tour. But before they recorded into the outdoor, he was a bad heroin fucking addict. I mean, if you don't believe me, look at Led Zeppelin live from that festival they do, Rotterdam or, I mean, you know,

Leonard Skinner did it with the Stones, a bunch of fucking fame. Everybody has done it. It's tremendous to show. What was the name of the band? The Firm. I think during the firm, I remember reading, well, not during the firm. During the firm is when he came to the conclusion of it. I read this about four or five years ago that he had nothing.

Like he didn't remember all the songs on his albums. I don't remember shit. Can you believe that? Like Jimmy Page didn't remember songs from physical graffiti. And you got to look at that and go, wow, how the fuck don't you remember songs from physical graffiti? Your Jimmy Page will guess what? Now I know why he didn't remember the songs from fucking. I mean, you just black out on life.

There's chunks of my life that are fucking missing. There's weeks of my life that are missing that I can't even put together. Guys, I don't remember last Christmas. Out of my anxiety, you know, some of it I blame on the anxiety. Some of it I blame on the drugs. Some of it I blame on old age, but some of it I got to be honest with you guys. I blame on just blacking out on my own. Like I didn't want to be present.

And I've done that, you know, thousands of times, you know? I mean, mostly you don't want to be present when somebody's fucking in the ass and you didn't fucking sign up for this, you know? But in my, in my world, you know, I always wanted to be alive. I always wanted to be alive for everything. Like I want to be a partnership. But guys, I got to be honest with you, the fucking drugs, the edibles, those edibles took their fucking toll with me. I don't want none of you motherfuckers to go. Oh, Joy was eating 2000.

Listen, if you don't think while I was eating those 2000 milligrams, I knew, you know, look at these guys that went to Vietnam. They're over there shooting Vietnamese people having a great fucking time. They came back and got Agent Orange. You know, what do you think? They didn't know while they were shooting these fucking rice paddy motherfuckers in their holes that there was going to be, you know, any of you guys, if you don't think like that you're doing shit now, pills, coke is going to affect you later. Listen, you smoke a pot, you smoke a joint. Let me kick you in the head one time.

You're not going to fucking, you're not going to remember shit. All right. You're not really going to fucking remember shit. Yeah, it's the equivalent of that. I mean, you don't remember shit. I, the reason, what saved me through all those fucking years was I don't drink booze. That's the only thing that saved me. Yeah, I blacked out on some cocaine binges, you know, sunk to some chick's swat, fall in the sleep.

I had a thousand of those things and then they refreshed your memory the next day. But, you know, drug use is a motherfucker and it's always going to come back to you. And I don't give a fuck if you think it. Oh, well, Edible's only going to do nothing to me. I think those 2000 milligrams for fucking five years didn't affect me. Then fucking, it did affect me. It did affect me. And yeah, we're having a good time here.

We cracked jokes and shit, but it affected me. But I knew that going in. You don't think the first night after I ate 20 capsules, I'm like, this is not going to be good. You know, there was a point with those fucking old stars. I was blowing gelatin farts. I don't know if you've ever blown a fucking gelatin fart. They're disgusting. I mean, you don't think I'm going to have to have stomach surgery in the future?

You don't think there's going to be a problem? I do. I'm expecting it. Nobody fucking eats 28 mil. Listen, they should have put Lee and me in the fucking Hall of Fame. What's that? The record? Yeah, we should have been in Guinness.

And I'll tell you, I would love for one of you guys to watch. We had a star counter. A guy made a program for us. A guy had jiu-jitsu and burrito cranes. Sweetheart of a guy that we would shoot the podcast and then we were supposed to have the thing that like, like what you do for us with the whatever the fuck, the zoom, like that platform you make in front. We had one for the podcast and it was supposed to have like a timer, how many stars we ate and a goal for how many stars. Like every fucking podcast we were supposed to have. Like this podcast, we're eating 20 stars.

We don't know how we're going to get there. If the guest eats three, I eat 17, you know, shit like that. That was supposed to be up there. We get so high before the podcast all those years. We never said it. We never said it because we were so fucking high. We're like, okay, who gives a fuck? We're already there.

Who's going to set this fucking thing? But if you look at some of those old ones, I think they had it up with the star of death counter. I mean, even this guy's, even though, do you see me? I'm reaching for straws here and I'm usually, I can remember anything from, you know, my childhood. I remember fucking stories. I remember the whole fucking thing. There's a kid I called the other night on Christmas. A couple of days after Christmas, I was here with my family.

And for some reason I started thinking about his father. And I just picked up a phone that night. I was thinking about your father. He was a lot tougher than us when we were 58 and 60. And he's like, what do you mean? I was telling him all this shit about his father. We had to fight at the track one time. He's like, I never heard these stories.

What were you and my father doing? I'm like, dog, you know me, dog, I'm from the back of beyond. I would take these dads and fucking take them on a ride and shit. But my fucking, I dated this girl in 84 and he offered me a job and I had to take it because like, you know, what do you do? You know, your girlfriend's father offers you a job. It wasn't full time. Okay. I was working in the city bar time.

I was rolling people. I was doing 20 different fucking criminal activities then, but I was bartending. I was legitimately bartending and this guy offered me a job and I'm like, how to fuck him. I was one of those guys like somebody offered you a job you took, especially if I'm dating their daughter. And he came to me. He's like, I like for you to help me with this job. It's just two, three nights a week. I'm basically to pay you 50 bucks.

All I had to do, I had to do two missions on this job. I had to put acid on the, on the bathtub and then fucking go get him beers and open the beers for him. Because he would have to wear those yellow mom gloves to wash dishes and he couldn't open up the beers. You know how many times I would have to open up the beers. He would pay me 50 bucks for two hours just to open up the beers. But it was a, it was a bathroom resurfacing business. This guy got out. He was brilliant guys.

This guy showed me a lot about life. The name was John and I hooked up with him and one day like she didn't tell me her dad had gone to jail. He got to tell me, he goes, you know, I went to jail. I'm like, no, tell me about it. And he told me about the whole fucking thing. He was in there for bookmaking. It was just a year. He was on work release.

But because he was part of the prison, one day it took him to like a job fair in New Jersey and they had this thing called Permasuram. And I can't believe I still remember it. And what it was was a coding for the bathtub. They still do it today. Today it's huge now. He sold that company and made millions. You know what he paid for that company? $30,000.

He had a borrow from his sister-in-law and you had an automatic fucking deal with Sears. So Sears was guaranteed to call you with eight to 10 jobs a month at 500 job, $500 a month. He worked for public service, but he would get home at night. I'd meet him at like 530 and we go do a job and we get back like at 8, 8, 30, I would get him stoned. I would do all this shit. I don't know how many times you would call me next thing and go, don't say nothing to my daughter. But I couldn't feel my feet on the way home. What was that shit?

You smoked with me. I was making him smoke. One time this motherfucker fell asleep in the tub. I got him so fucked up. The tub was dry and he goes, I don't think I can drive yet. Why don't you go sit in the car? I'm going to do some stuff back here. I came back 20 minutes later.

See what he was doing? He was in the fucking tub with the curtain on him and shit. He was hiding him so the people who owned the fucking house couldn't fucking take a look at him. That's the adventures I used to have with this motherfucker. But I used to get him high. I used to take him to the track. There was always a, by the way, after we finished the job. Like I would make him give me a ride somewhere like never the city or Harlem or none.

But I make him give me the rides like local stints and pick up a gram of coke with him and sit in the car with him. I didn't know I had a gram of coke when I was dating his wife. But he knew, not his wife, his daughter. But he knew about the reefer and all the other nonsense that was doing. So fucking life, man. It's fucking great. I'm happy. It's 2022.

I'm happy. I did this fucking podcast today. I needed you motherfuckers more than you needed me to. Trust me, I've been sitting in the house, taking medication, fucking testing myself, putting squabs in my fucking nose. You know, I've been putting that far. How many fucking COVID tests have we taken so far since this shit has happened? I don't even have fucking stuff left in that part of my nose.

Like it's not here. It's up here. You gotta do it. I don't even have anything left. I do that shit. I did it last night. I gotta do it again today. And hopefully I'll do the PCR on Tuesday.

Today, Monday, I got a fucking physical. I'm taking care of all that shit. It's going to be a great fucking year, man. But I gotta tell you something about last week and I'll let you go. So Sunday comes along. I'm feeling okay. You know, listen, Saturday came along Christmas day. I'm feeling okay.

I was taking my vitamins. I was doing everything they told me to do. I hadn't called Joe Rogan yet. I was talking to Jimmy Florentine. He goes, what are you going to do? I'm going to sit here and take what I have to take. Hopefully Monday I'll call a doctor. He's like, you haven't called Rogan and told him yet?

I go, no. He goes, call him up, man. Everybody calls Rogan when they get COVID. You know what I'm saying? And Rogan's got to fucking give him advice. I don't want to be that guy. But finally, Jimmy was like, call him up. I'm Tanya.

He'll fucking tell you what to do. I go, all right. I called him up. This motherfucker was cooking for his family. He called me while he was out on the grill. He's like, Joey, Merry Christmas. What's happening? My grandmother's here.

Not his grandma's mom. Everybody was there. His wife's family, the kids, their friends, fucking. He's over there cooking. I go, dog, can I tell you something? I got COVID. He stopped. He just stopped.

I talked about on my Patreon podcast that he really blew me away on Christmas night. You know, we talked for like five minutes. He asked me where I got it, what my symptoms were. He goes, dog, somebody will call you in 10 minutes. I was like, Joe. Don't even rush it. You know, I'm good. I don't feel anything yet.

Within 10 minutes, his chick called me. Tremendous. Mercy. Tremendous. Her name was Mercy. I was like, what? My daughter's name is Mercy. We started talking.

She asked me a few fucking questions. Tremendous. She goes, I'll call you tomorrow. We'll try to get this done tomorrow. Listen, it's not going to happen on the 26th. You know, it's not going to happen. I know this already going in. She goes, you never know.

Let's give it a try. So she goes, I'll try again in the morning. She sent me some paperwork to fill out. I filled it out. She called me in the morning. We spoke for 10 minutes. She goes, okay. What local CVS do you want me to send this to?

I'm like, what? This doesn't come in the mail. She's like, no. This is all 100% legit. I'm going to send it through your CVS. The doctor knows what I'm sending you. I was like, oh fuck. Tremendous.

She sent me like a beauty roll spray. She sent me pills for congestion. They sent me pills for a cough. They sent me steroids from my chest, you know, from your lungs. So you don't get anything. This is for people who get COVID. This whatever variant is running around. I don't know.

This fucking US government variant that blaming everything on Africa. Africa hasn't bothered anybody in years. They're over there trying to kill fucking, trying to save elephants. They're husks and shit. They're not bothering nobody. I mean, that's what I told Joe. I think I got the African. It's like, no.

First of all, that's false information. Two guys from England went to Africa and they got over vaccinated. And I was like, fucking Rogan's got this down to a science. Holy shit. He's captain vaccine. You know, and sure enough, she called. Sunday afternoon said the medications go pick them up. My wife went to pick them up.

We came back. I went on the medication. I thought that was it. She called back. She goes, listen, uh, we're going to bring you an IV tomorrow. We're trying to get you the monoclonal antibodies, whatever. I know I'm saying it wrong. I'm, you know, I don't know about this.

And Monday I woke up and she goes, somebody will call you by 10, 10 o'clock. Somebody called. She goes, I'll be there at 12. I was like, listen, I'll set you up. I cleaned out all this shit. Lysol did opened up all the windows. She walks in. She's like, when'd you test?

I go Saturday. She goes, you're probably not even contagious anymore. She goes, I've been working with this since day one. I'm like, what? She goes, trust me, leave your mask on. If you feel better, but I don't want you to think I'm going to die here. I go, all right. She came in, had the fucking bleaker, the whole fucking thing, man.

She was great. So now it came time for the day. You guys know what I'm getting at the needle. Okay. So again, I was feeling okay to have a temperature. I just put my fucking arm out and she was like, okay, we're going to put an IV in and then I'm going to shoot stuff in for you while the IV is going in. You know, I'll do an additional B12 or whatever the fuck you need.

You know, dog. She tried to put that motherfucking in. My wife was like dusting like she was trying to open the window. She had something stuck. I remember looking at my wife and going, what the fuck is my wife doing? And all of a sudden she pulled up the thing and when I go out, my wife looked at me and she goes, her fucking face just went because I had just fucking lost everything in my face. She saw it and I saw, I saw that she saw that I lost everything I had in my face.

So I looked at her and I'm like, I'm going to go down. So I fucking start going down. I'm like, okay. I'm like, oh my God, this isn't that bad of a faint. I didn't faint. I just was like a little buts. And all of a sudden I'm like, oh, thank God we got that over. And she goes, I missed the vein.

We got to do it again. I'm like, God damn it. This happened with my fucking surgery to my nose surgery. It was fucking terrible. So now they had to put it in my fucking hand and she went to put it in my hand again. I saw spots, you know, the whole thing and it didn't take. And I'm like, that's cause I didn't do no fucking push-ups. Get these heroin veins out.

I got some good fucking veins guys. And I've never done heroin. I said, give me five minutes. I got on the floor and started doing some push-ups and shit. Started throwing Bruce Lee kicks in the air. And I gave her the arm, the left arm. Now she was all done with the right arm. I'm like, God damn it.

I got like two tries in the left arm. But I was feeling so fucking shitty. I mean, I was done guys. I was ready to pass out. And she goes, listen, man, if you don't want to do it, I understand. A lot of people have a hard time with this. You know, I go, yeah, I don't think it's going to work. I've had this underlying anxiety for fucking two years and it's starting to come out again.

My heart was beating. Let's just started thinking and I go, what the fuck is wrong with me, Joey? You're 58 years old. You're not going to let this lady stick a needle in your arm. I'm like, oh, listen, let's try the left arm. First pop after the pushups. She goes, it took, took about 40 minutes for the bag to fucking drain. I was fine.

Tip top, Magoo. And she said, I'll come back tomorrow with the Mono Claudio fucking antibodies, whatever the fuck they are. I knew what to expect Tuesday. I braced myself to faint. My wife wasn't here. She went to Spider-Man that morning with Mercy. They could only go at 10 in the morning. I'm like, God damn it.

I'm going to have to face this needle alone. Oh, by the way. A friend of mine, Fanny, one of my best buddies in the world, gave me an ice bag when I got the surgery. You could shoot this thing. You could stab it with a knife, nothing. She gave me a gray-sight ice bag. Let me tell you how high my anxiety was that day. My wife took the bag when they were shooting my arms and she put it behind my neck and I couldn't feel it.

No, she also put an ice block on my chest and I went to UFC fighters, come in for fucking in between rounds and they put a big bag of ice on that chest. She put a big chunk on my chest and I just sat there and after the bag was all done, I go, it's starting to get cold in here. She goes, Joey, you've had that bag on you for the last 55 minutes. My anxiety and my body warmth was so high that I could not feel this atomic bag on my neck and I could not feel this atomic little, it was a nice back on my chest. That's how high my fucking anxiety was.

Tuesday she came back, guys, first needle, it went right in. I didn't feel anything. My wife wasn't here. I had the ice ready. I had the other ice ready. I had this ice thing that I was going to put on my head and shit. The monoclonal, it takes 21 minutes for the antibody treatment and then she did another IV, you know, gluosamine and B12 and all that shit.

She put a little inflammation reducer in there, a little pain medication from my headache. And that was it. It was nothing, guys. So if you're scared of this or this whole process, it's a fucking piece of cake. Tip, top, motherfucking magoo. And for New Year's, I had the best New Year's in the world, guys. I know you guys, I know you guys had a horrible New Year's. New Year's Eve, I sat here and I'm like, fuck, I used to have some fun on New Year's.

Like I called a bunch of my buddies in the afternoon. I'm like, hey, we're getting ready for tonight. I'll pick you up with an eight ball. And they're like, that was a long time ago. Like, holy shit. New Year's to me now means I'm going to eat something good and go to bed late, early. In the fucking 20 years before that, holy shit. We were by ounces of coke and kway ludes and I wouldn't wake up to the fort.

It was horrible. But this New Year's Eve had a nice day. Listen to what I did. I knew that Cobra Kai was coming on New Year's Eve, right? So I go, fuck. I go, mercy. What we'll do New Year's Eve is stay up till midnight and watch Cobra Kai. My wife, my daughter, my wife looked at me all weird.

Like, you really going to stay up with this girl? I go, fuck yeah. Come New Year's Eve. She asked me at breakfast dad, are we staying up tonight? I looked at my wife's like, you guys could do whatever you want. I go, let's stay up tonight. We came down. We watched something at 11 and then at 12.

We were watching some shit. My wife was watching it also. I think we were watching Cobra Kai because we didn't have to wait till midnight. Cobra Kai came out that afternoon. So we're watching a couple episodes. Was it that good this year? It was all right. They said a couple more fucks.

They use some gender shit. So my daughter, they did a lot of kissing and a lot of hugging. My daughter was look at me every time they kissed like that. What the fuck? I want to see these people beat themselves up. I go, that's not happening with this. It was a weird anyway. Because I'm fucking mad at what I think of the show.

My friends are the executive producers. It was a great show. And I'm very proud of them to do it. So midnight came and my wife goes, listen, I left the apple cider, whatever the fuck they were drinking. Whatever you drink with the kids, sparkling, sparkling cider, sparkling water, whatever the fuck it is. I left it at my friend's house. We're not going to have any sparkling. Don't worry about it.

Mercy goes, that's no problem. She came down with like a bag of candy, right? Like, you know, licorice and all this shit. She goes, for midnight, I brought down a big Hershey's bar. She brought down a nice big Hershey's bar. And she goes, we'll split it up three ways. My wife goes, I don't know if I'll eat it because I'm going to go to bed at midnight. The rest is up to you two guys.

I made my wife take a piece. I go, honey, you got to eat it. She brought it for all three of us. You go upstairs, you hang out. Doug. I ate a piece. My wife ate a piece. My daughter ate a piece.

I didn't know anything about anything. Listen, it was like somebody gave her a line of fucking coke. Better yet, it's like somebody gave my daughter a fucking eight ball. Holy shit. I've been around her for a long time and I seen it act up on sugar, but I never saw how this hopped up. This little girl was doing fucking, what do you call those things? The other ones.

Cartwheels? Ten to one. She was doing fucking cartwheels. She was doing that exorcist shit. The shit, remember when fucking Linda Blair walked down the stairs? She was doing that. Back and fucking forth all night long on this chocolate. I was starting to get worried.

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? You know, the little kitten, I had two cats, one of them died, so the other one cries all day. Every time she cried, Mercy would go over and do a dance for her, whatever. And then they started fighting like that. The tournament and you should see my daughter throwing kicks, flying side kicks. I'd never seen anything like that. How sugar affects a kid.

I know you have to. Holy shit. I was freaking the fuck out, but I gotta tell you something. I sat there until three in the morning. We giggled. We laughed at stupid stuff. She even went upstairs and said, dad, I brought your Hershey's. No, she goes, dad, I brought your peanut butter cup.

I look over. She's eating one too. She knows what the fuck she's doing. She needed just to do one last bump before she went to bed. Oh my God. She started coming down at like two and I saw her just go. It was insane what sugar does to kids. It makes you fucking think, man.

But you know what? That's the, we kicked it up a notch that night. We've always been pretty close, you know, me and my daughter, but she's getting older. I could see she got older the other day. It broke my heart. She's not going to be my little girl in a few years. You know what I'm saying?

I'm going to have to peel her up some fucking Arab fingers and shit, but I'm prepared. I got guns. I got rocks. I'm going to be throwing rocks like those people in Israel. I don't give a fuck, Jack. But it was a great fucking New Year's Eve. And it was that simple.

You know, you look at New Year's Eve for all these fucking crazy things you're going to do. And that night, me and my daughter just stayed at home, watched the rest of fucking Cobra Kai, and we turned it off. She was like, I don't want to watch this shit no more. We turned it off like episode eight, and we watched the honeymooners marathon. We watched two episodes of the honeymooners,

and then I knew dives, drives, and no mobiles was on, so I said, fuck it. Let's watch that. And that was the end of that. That was our fucking New Year's. She fell asleep downstairs, and I fell asleep on the chair until about six, and then I woke her up, and we both went up at like 6.30,

and that was my fucking New Year's Eve, guys. And it was phenomenal. I'm excited about 2022. I'm excited for all you motherfuckers. You're excited off for 2022? We've been sitting in a fucking bush for two years, so now is our time to sling some fucking dick. We've been worse than Charlie in the bush.

We didn't have to sit in a bush. We've been sleeping in the fucking bush, living in the bush. There's nothing to do in the bush. Now it's time to get the fuck out and sling dick. It's 2022. Like I said to you guys, do your goals. Get ready.

It's going to be a phenomenal year. You're going to have the best year of your life. But remember what I told you? I don't know what the outside has planned for us. And who gives a fuck? I don't give a fuck what they got planned. Whatever they got planned, we're going to conquer it, too. They took Rogan's fucking video down from YouTube with that doctor.

Take a look at that video if you get a chance. If you could find it on Spotify. He had the guy that invented the fucking vaccine. Yeah, they took that video down. Interesting stuff to learn. And it's time you fucking pick the side cock suckers. It's going down. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart.

It's Monday, January the third. It's as good as we can fucking beat today. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great week. And we'll be back Wednesday, Tip Top Magoo, January 5th. Let it all fucking hang out. I love you motherfuckers. Thank you for the support.

Stay black. Have a great day. All right, I want to thank you guys. I have no idea what I was saying today. But you guys will figure it out. You've been figuring me out for fucking 10 years. The joint is brought to you by Better Help Online Therapy. Listen, we've talked about Better Help Online shows before.

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Here, Megan Trainor opened up about motherhood, or how NBA Hall of Famer, Chris Bosch, tames anxiety. You can find Getting Better on Apple, Spotify, everywhere else you can get podcasts. But listen, go to betterhelp.com, press them, call Joey, and get your life started again. The joint is also brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Listen, 2022 is going to be a big year for a lot of businesses. You better get ready to hire some people, because everybody's getting tired of looking and sitting there.

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Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. Remember to use code Joey to really get to them. You understand me? Now also, it's a great week this week, okay? It's opening week. Everybody's fucking gone away. Draft Kings is even better now than it was six weeks ago. Listen, we've hit the final week of pro football and college football.

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Hope you guys can have a great time with them also. Now you got to be 21-older, New Jersey, Indiana, Pennsylvania only. New customers apply, minimum, final deposit and a $1 wager. One per customer, restrictions do apply. Now hey, see Draft Kings sports book for details. Now if you got a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLE if not. Let's get this fucking party started and put a bet in tonight Jack. I want to thank Draft Kings.

I want to thank BetterHelp and I want to thank Zip Recruiter. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for having my back. 2022 is our year. Cocksuckers, I love you. Stay black and have a great day. We'll be back Wednesday morning. Tip top. Magoo.