Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #128 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, January 5th..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Stamps.com & CBD Lion….. Go to https://www.Stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY for a 4 Week Trial, Free Postage & a Free Digital Scale! Download the DraftKings SportsBook or Fantasy Apps & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $200 in Free Bets when you Bet $5 on any Football Team when they win…. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 10% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Episode #069 - Michael Fugoso aka https://www.Instagram.com/fugstrator https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4Bn-i63w0Q Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Call 1-800-GAMBLER, but if not, head over to DraftKings Sportsbook, download it and let's win some motherfucking geetus Let's get this party started on a Wednesday fucking morning here Yeah, Joey's in the game What's happening you bad motherfuckers, it's the fifth of January, sorry about Sunday's podcast, I was rushing it I was just excited to see you motherfuckers as you can tell, the studio's not fucking even done yet I haven't even started this COVID as, I'm getting headaches, that's it, I'm done with everything I've been going to the gym, I'm doing all the regular shit But I've been waking up with headaches in the middle of the night, so I got to call in to the doctor, see what the fuck is going on

My wife looked it up, it's the end of the COVID fucking whole thing, but man, this headache holds you down But it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive, we're here, we're fucking queer, a lot of shit's been happening lately, man And I'm adding it up, like I did not see it for a year, I felt really guilty about what I was going through, whatever the fuck it was You know, not being able to focus and having no desire to do shit, you know, it was like a cross between like a depression and anxiety, whatever Who knows what it was, I started journaling, you know, I started talking to my loved ones a lot more and I got myself a little back, I'm a little bit better, you know But I'm looking around in the world, man, it's fucking nuts, and it's crazy and ever, you know, somebody told me the other day on my Patreon That they're really worried about their kids world, you know, they're upset because they don't know what type of world they're going to leave their kids in And then I tell you, I don't know, I don't know, it's not looking fucking good, you know, it's not a good fucking world

When I make a Betty White joke three days after she's dead and fucking Facebook fucking bans me for fucking, I don't know I went to post something this morning and it said, first off, they sent me, all I wrote was, uh, Betty White is dead and I don't feel so good myself It's a beautiful day, whatever the fuck I wrote, and they wrote back that I had broke the compliance for guidelines of violence So they said, do you want to challenge it? And I go, yeah, I'll fucking challenge it I didn't say nothing wrong, I've been saying the same shit on there for ten fucking years, just a different person And let me ask you guys, when I say that I'm not feeling good, it's a joke It's a joke for everybody, like, you know, Betty White is dead and I don't feel so good myself It all started with Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself

So every time somebody else dies, you just throw that name in as a reference, so please, when I write that shit, don't say get well Because that's not what I'm writing, it's just a fucking stupid fucking joke, you know But for Facebook to fucking take that down, like, I woke up to that Tuesday morning and I was like, what the fuck is going on? I'm like this, I'm off for that statement, but that's the thing, and then I wake up and Rogan's not on Twitter no more He's on getter, getcha, whatever the fuck it is, because Trump's people, listen, it's a crazy fucking world You know, I know they ripped his videos down, I know Sam's living and, you know, he's living as a fucking hidden man Listen, you could put, I had the understanding that you could put whatever the fuck you want down on Twitter and Facebook, but you just couldn't fucking say something about COVID on there You know, it doesn't go through the golfing guidelines, we don't know what we're talking about, whatever, that's fine

It's like Twitter has become like a fucking bar on the lower east side, no politics and no religion, you can't talk that shit on that That's what Twitter has become, I mean, you know, me, I've got to be honest with you I'd love to switch over together, Mike set me up with a little account, maybe I'll switch over there before I get thrown off, but Listen, I'm to the point in my life when you throw me off, I'm leaving, like I'm not fucking arguing with you no more You know, listen, it's a different world, it's changing, the internet's fucking changing It was crazy for a long fucking time, we had a good time, but the party's over, no more guys blowing horses and shit You know, I went into the deep web about a week ago, they told me to go fuck myself in the deep web, they're not even doing anything Over there anymore

Sure, now I fucking start the podcast, now the guy could call me for a Zoom, that's the way life turns out, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, who gives a fuck, we're here, we're queer, it's Wednesday morning, I'm feeling fucking good You know, we all saw what happened on Sunday, I cracked a joke about it, thank god I didn't get punished for that one You know, Antonio Brown pulled the burt, fucking took his shirt off at Jet Stadium, let me tell you something, it was fucking cold that day I was at Jimmy's watching the fucking game, we were watching Antonio Brown, and I was almost sent an Uber for that motherfucker I was like, damn, Antonio Brown's in Jersey, let's get this motherfucker over and experiment with him But after watching that, you know, it reminded me of guys, I don't know if you guys remember when Martin Lawrence was found I'm in Torre Boulevard with a gun with no shirt on, yelling maybe 20 years ago, you know, he was under stress and shit like that

I love Martin Lawrence, you can't say nothing bad to me about that dude, but it's just really weird that you're seeing these people going fucking nuts, you know And I gotta be honest with you, man, the other day my friend called me, they can't find tests And I gotta be fucking strictly honest with you, I gotta call from a buddy of mine saying that, you know, you couldn't find the test that he went to a supermarket in Jersey and they wanted $40 for a test And I go, you know, that's what the world is coming to now, you know, I hung up the phone with him and I was like, how much shit can Americans keep fucking taking? How much shit can we keep taking? You know, you wake up, I make a Betty White joke, they throw me off a fucking Facebook I go visit my family at the airport, I'm there two hours and they cancel my flight and I gotta sit there all fucking day I can't get COVID tests, you know, you can't get everything you want for fucking Christmas, there's nothing on the fucking shelves We're getting horrible information on a daily, we don't even know, we get a vaccine, we get COVID, you get a booster, you get COVID

Who the fuck knows anymore? America is fucking suffering, like we're getting beat up on a daily Listen, I've been beat up all my fucking life, so I'm used to it, I don't give a fuck I just got out of the comedy world where you get beat up every fucking day for everything you think about But as a human being, I'm looking around me and I'm like, what, when does this end? You know, I woke up Monday morning and it was 40 degrees It was cloudy, it was dark, all of a sudden we got a text, no school No school because it's a snow day on Monday, you know, here in my door Do you have any idea what this house went through during COVID? I mean, listen, it was a great holiday

You know, I know people have it worse, some people were in the fucking hospital for Christmas, so I'm not crying But for a week, nobody would play with her Nobody would play with her You know, we were marked like the fucking bastards on the block, you know She could play outside with the neighbors because they were going through some COVID-y shit But she didn't get to, you know, we did Christmas here and it was great But she didn't see her friends over the fucking holidays, it was cold on these fucking streets That's number one, number two, you know, I had COVID and I couldn't drop it

I wasn't gonna keep it a secret, you know, and let my daughter go out there and spread that shit That's the biggest fear I have Today I was supposed to go to, oh, yesterday I was supposed to go to a place and work out with a friend of mine He has a guest pass, he goes, I really want you to do this work out And I go, you know what, man, I'm feeling a little fucking off, like I'm not 100%, I want to double check Like even Mike, you know, me and Mike spoke about him coming on Sunday last week And we were like, nah, because he's got kids, you know So the last thing I want to do is fucking spread something so I canceled that

I don't want to go in there just in case Now listen, I know I'm not contagious since like the fifth day I think the day after I got the monochromial, whatever the fuck it is That day I saw the nurse do something with a mask and I said, why are you taking it off? She goes, listen, you're not really contagious today Like after five days, you're not really contagious or whatever she said So my daughter didn't get it, my wife didn't get it, Mike hasn't gotten it yet So we don't know what the fuck to expect

But I don't know, I see people getting beat up and we're just taking it Like we're just taking it, we're not pulling, turning around and yelling We're not doing nothing, like we just take it Like we just either turn the TV off or fucking hang up the phone or shut the computer down But every day, this is worrying on us So when you see Antonio Brown do something like that Listen, I was laughing my fucking ass off, okay? I'm the first guy that was laughing I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that, you know

But after reviewing that and seeing what my man Tom Brady said the baddest white man that I've ever lived He even trumps Jesus after Sunday Yeah, Tom Brady's on the league of his own But even when he came out, I looked into that and I'm like, yeah People are going through wild shit Look at what's going on at airports and shit People are just pounding each other People are pounding each other and you know what, man?

I'm the bigger the man, the bigger the mistake I was wrong about a lot of things during this time You know, I didn't, you know, I look at these guys bashing Everybody's getting bashed If you do a vaccine, if you don't do a vaccine If you fuck, you know, everybody's getting bashed for something If you do a show, I saw Neil Young as mad at performers because they're doing dead touring I had the same issues myself

But you know what, I started thinking about it and wait a second, guy These people are our only entertainment These people are the only fucking break that we get right now That's it, when we go to a concert or you go to a movie like last week Fucking Spider-Man made 50 billion fucking dollars Nobody gave a fuck about COVID, you know, everybody wanted to go see Spider-Man Let me tell you something It's not that people wanted to go see Spider-Man

It's that they needed entertainment They need something You know what, the drugs ain't working no more They've been doing drugs for two fucking years I mean, I talked to my ex-drug deal about a month ago The cocaine has gone off the roof And then now people are running out of money They're going from coke to that shit you smell

Speed, the speed they met, whatever, crank, I don't fucking know So that's never a good fucking choice right there in your career Once you do crank, you just got a couple fucking days left after that So I see the drug use I see the pain on people's faces You know, I'm watching these You know, I go on Instagram and test the check and look, you know And guys, it don't look good

I see a lot of people faking the funk And that's fine, but that catches up with you You know, I tried to fake the funk for years It catches fucking up with you, man You can't keep smiling every fucking day like nothing's dumping on you We're getting dumped on a fucking daily base I don't know if this is planned I don't know if this is a conspiracy

I don't give a fuck what it is, but I know that As Americans right now, man Look what happened last week So you fucking live all year You know, everybody's jumping up and down You want to see guns and roses You went to Atlantic City You went here, you went there, you went to baseball games

And the thing that you want to do the most Spend time with your family over the holidays Now became a fucking hurdle Now, don't get me wrong, guys In 1983, I thought I was cute And I decided to take a plane from Colorado or something to whatever Sure enough, we got 12 inches of snow the day I wanted to fly I think it was Thanksgiving, 1983

I made when I was living in Snowmass That was the first time I ever went home I was excited as fuck and let me tell you something So I got in the plane Wednesday, I didn't get home With all the delays and shit I didn't get back to Jersey until Thursday And then I left like Sunday And I didn't get back to Colorado until fucking Monday

Because, yeah, I landed in Denver But I had to get to Aspen And that flight always got fucking canceled If you had the eight o'clock flight And you had to actually stay on the fucking airport and fucking sleep But it was different back then The bar stayed open I put my cocaine in the locker

Fucking, I swear to God, they had those lockers like in Get Shorty Where you hid the coke and Get Shorty and shit I would hide my coke in there, go to a bar Have three drinks, go back one night, drop the hundred and quarters Because I kept going back and forth Opening up the fucking coke at two dollars a fucking shot To open up the locker So, it's the truth, man

I fucking went off one night I remember one night I got caught at that I used to get caught at Denver Airport All the time I got caught there all the fucking time And I got to be honest with you, I look forward to it Because the bars were open Chicks were there, you could talk to

I remember one time I met like a music mogul You think I'm fucking kidding I started giving this guy coke and shit We started talking, he's talking about the bands I'm not fucking kidding He had like the Beastie Boys He had some big ass bands He had pictures with the Beastie Boys

He showed me the contracts He was going to California or something like that We both got delayed in Denver I was going to Aspen, he was connecting flight We talked for hours I might call them next days Nah, it wasn't the Rick Rubin It was some white dude that was powerful

But the next day I'm like, hey, remember me And he's like, get the fuck out of here I'm not even into fucking comedy or anything This is 83 I just met him at the airport And I got him all coked up till like the fucking morning And he gave me his number And I'm like, fuck, I'm in the music industry now, Jack

I'm going to join a band I'm going to play the ukulele I call this motherfucker, he's like, what? I go, nah, listen, man I wanted to talk to you about the music Get the fuck out of here, just hung up on me I knew nothing, no, what happened was this I had a fucking idea

I was at a hotel one day I was at like 80-something Hanging out and some big black dude was there And we were talking He was telling me I swear to God, I had this conversation with him, guys He was telling me he produced rap music and all this shit I remember looking at him in the face

And going, dog, we need a white rapper And we talked about it at this hotel For like an hour, a white rapper, white rapper I never saw him again Then two months later, I'm in that pop tot And I looked like a fucking asshole You know, all the Beastie Boys popped out Because yeah, this is 82

Even the Beastie Boys came out like 85 Or something like that, so But, you know The more I look around, man, I'm like Something's gotta fucking break I'm very excited I'm down here in South Jersey Surrounded by trees, bears

And Italian people from Staten Island I'm good But I don't even try to go up fucking north I mean, it's just I gotta go up there tomorrow For a fucking wake And guys, it's the last thing I wanna fucking do

It's the last thing I wanna fucking do I just watched somebody talking about wakes Oh, Steve Sharipper Was talking to David Chase About wakes that he fucking hated wakes He hated all the wakes and the Sopranos Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah That's the only thing I agree with the Sopranos

When you move to Jersey, you go to a lot of fucking wakes They're huge here People love their wakes They love them I think they're the creepiest fucking things in the world And I'll be honest with you After my mother died I know you heard that little underground burp

It was tremendous My wife made a... I went to the gym today And I fucking... My wife had leftover pot roast With short ribs in it For flavor God damn

I ate the last two little short ribs I'm ready to go When we first busted it out I didn't find any today Because Mike was coming He's family I didn't wanna blow him out of the water But she put a bunch of garlic in there

And they didn't blow up They just like halfway It's halfway I don't know So she gave them to me The first day she made it last night She's like, oh, look at my thing I got so much garlic

I go, is this what this is? What happened to it? It just blew up Let me tell you something I ate every fucking garlic clove Last night we were watching Guy Fieri's fucking Diners, dives or something I got excited about something

I blew a fart My daughter even went like What the fuck is that? She didn't say what the fuck is that smell She goes, dad, it smells really bad down here What was that? I go, that's a tremendous garlic fart I mean, it was horrible

I took two garlic farts And after that I took a dump And I was done with the garlic And I'm like, I'm not gonna eat any more garlic Because Mike is coming tomorrow I haven't been farting in the podcast Because I don't know I think my asshole just loved Lee

And he just wanted to fart for fucking Lee You know, that was it Poor Lee He's still recovering from his fucking vacation in hell That's what I said Like even somebody like Lee Sweetheart of a guy You know, never wants to beat nobody

He goes to Mexico to take his girlfriend on a fucking trip And it sucks dick Like, I don't know what he paid for the vacation But I know it wasn't cheap So now you go He's back, he was cracked I mean, he called me immediately when he got back He was a little bit more cracked than he was on the podcast

He was a little warped on the podcast Remember, he was like the podcast straight And he's like, I don't know what's going on But he's a Sweetheart of a guy But even somebody like him It's like Mike Mike is a working guy You know, he takes his wife out

It's a big fucking deal For him to go to Mexico It's a big fucking deal They saved the year They put away shit They had to get baby care And then you go to fucking Mexico The food tastes like fucking Mexican feet

It smells down there He was telling me all this shit that was wrong with it I mean, how much can Americans take? Last year they sat down for fucking You know, you sat down for fucking 18 months you were in the fucking house Dreaming of going on a fucking vacation First off, you look at the fucking prices

I don't know if you check prices What are they doing to Americans? What the fuck are they doing to Americans? In New Jersey When I got to New Jersey, gas was 204 Pushing Pushing That means if I went on the 9

And took a mile ride down I would see a gallon for 195 It's some fucking Hindu gas station The gas is cut like fucking bad cocaine They cut it with fat and all and shit God knows what they're putting in there But it was still down 95 I'll tell you what, we're gonna hit 400

We're gonna hit 4 hours before the year's over What does that do to people's fucking You know, I mean, what does that do? All these little, we're just getting beat up As Americans right now And listen, I'm not complaining Like I said, I've been beat up all my life But when does it fucking end?

We should catch a little break What do you think, I was the only guy that had a I can't say I had a shitty holiday But you think I was the only guy that was stuck At home for the holidays with COVID? I know 10 other fucking people That breaks you a little bit It didn't break me

Because what would I give a fuck at this point in the game? I've already jumped up and down for Christmases For fucking goddamn years But it affected a lot of fucking people You know, now, what about you living in Jersey Any other place, you wake up on Monday And they close your school remote You know what it's like to have your fucking kid at home

For three weeks? Listen, I love mercy I love my daughter I love kids in the neighborhood But kids need to fucking go out Kids need to socialize Kids need to play sports Kids need to do so many more things than we do

If not, I mean listen If it's between her and I She eats and I don't I got 50 pounds of fucking fat on me I could live for fucking ever But that's the way I go I want her to have a fucking good life I'll miss

I'd rather fucking live in a closet And have a great bedroom and all that shit But I think these kids are feeling Again, remote for fucking three weeks Four weeks You know, thank God our school's gonna stay open And she gets in to socializing You know what, if a kid gets fucking COVID

They're not pushing the fuck Listen, if kids were dying From COVID I wouldn't have my daughter out there I wouldn't have my fucking daughter out there Banging out every goddamn day Okay, I would have her at home But guess what?

Kids aren't dying from fucking COVID I know three kids right now that have COVID They have a slight fucking headache And little fucking sniffles They could have gone back to school But they took city tests on Saturday and Friday And it's registered with the city So now the school's taking them out for ten fucking days

So, you know, it doesn't fuck We're not winning in this And yes, it's a bad pandemic I don't know how many people fucking dying anymore I don't listen I don't believe nothing And I love America We always have like, you know

Like, yeah, but listen, COVID Yeah, but nobody's in the hospital Nobody's dying, you know We always have a fucking excuse You know what? I don't know what the fuck's going on But I know that right now we just need to be pushing We need to stick to our shit

Like, I woke up a little... Who boughts Tuesday morning And I gotta be honest with you I'm not in my, you know... Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself today I'm a little shaken I don't know about my future What the fuck would I do?

I don't know about my daughter's future All I know is that I have to get up every morning Give them love, you know Crack a few fucking jokes here and there Be here for my daughter Be here for my wife And just stick close to the fucking house And that's what I've been doing

I don't want to do dick anymore I'm to that age now where I enjoy being close to the house I got tons of buddies close by I got tons of businesses that I frequent And I have a great time at You know, I don't need to go to New York City But what if I had to? What if I had to fucking work?

And I had to take a bus every day And walk in the city And, you know, cause that stabbing motherfucker's over there On a daily basis I don't give a fuck what they're telling you See, this is what happens I'm gonna talk to you guys about what happens When you live in California

And I get home at six So whatever fucking time I get home And I put the TV on, I watch the news Not many times I've called Mike Or Mercy's Godfather James Or one of my friends and said, hey This is really going on in New York City And they're like, what are you talking about?

We don't even know what you're talking about Well, I'm just sitting here watching the news And it's telling me that, I don't know People fucking get hit with chairs in New York City They'll tell you now, that's not happening And then you move on And I would get calls from people in Jersey Or New York City or Boston

When I lived in California telling me the same Hey, you okay? Why, what happened? This happened in LA You know, all the fires Are you packed up? Did your house blow the fire? No, but we're told the wrong information

On both fucking coasts They show you what they want to see I don't even know where I was going with this But the point I'm trying to make here Is that you wake up in the morning with the best intentions That's what I do I don't know what the day's going to take me anymore I don't have a fucking day job

I don't have a comedy job anymore I don't need to go to a fucking audition There's no more fucking auditions We used to go down and talk to the studio heads They don't want you in there So my life has been thrown for a fucking loop also I enjoyed auditions When you're a comic and you go to an audition

That's your whole day I'm trying to look to see I lost my insurance through SAG this year Uncle Joey's got no insurance Near the Sharon Stone I don't feel too fucking bad Sharon Stone missed fucking insurance this year with SAG A bunch of people don't have SAG insurance

You don't even want to know What I have to pay for a family plan For SAG insurance You guys want to know why I'm getting into the weed business? Because I got to pay for fucking insurance Insurance is fucking steep But all that aside When I joined the Screen Actors Guild

In 1997 I remember how to go to like You have to go to like a fucking What do you call those things? Where you go And they tell you Itinerary I don't know

You have to Once you join the union They have like these things to welcome you in And they tell you about all the benefits Associated with SAG I was told this to me guys I was told That if I had 45 years old

And I was always leveled too Because they Whatever the fuck you call you After you're in the union 10 years They call it something I forget right now Too many years of smoke and dope Yeah like you get

You earned that So after 10 years or 4 10 years After 10 years or 45 years old You get level 2 for the rest of your life What's level 2? Level 1 is Great insurance

No level 2 is great insurance Except you get vision Mental health 2 chiropractors a month And something else Like once a month or something like that That's level 1 insurance But level 2 insurance ain't bad

I got surgeries on level 2 insurance I fucking got glasses Oh I didn't get glass on level 2 insurance I got something else My hearing aids on level 2 insurance I got that Level 2 insurance isn't bad So I bought that

I gotta take a little fucking paper break I gotta keep the fucking lungs healthy You know what I'm saying You gotta keep moving Somebody asked me a day How do you reaffirm your therapy for COVID? How you fucking retarded? I didn't use

What do you think? I went to WebMD And said how the fuck can I get reaffir Into my therapy I just didn't smoke And I smoked that night When I needed it I was a little scared of smoking

But I gotta be honest with you I helped Listen I've always been Into smoking When I got a flu or something like that You know why? You ever take a hit off a fucking good joint And you start coughing and shit

And start drooling and shit goes everywhere That's actually pretty good for your fucking lungs Did you know that? That when you cough like that It's actually good for your fucking lungs I did not know that I'm not saying if you smoked 29,000 Marlboro Reds Every day and you fucking you know

No I'm talking about if you cough It's good for you It's good for you So that's what I used to that It wasn't therapeutic I smoked to get high To watch TV at night to fall asleep Because I'm to the point in my life now where

Since I'm not a fucking gavone anymore Smoking 24 seven I could smoke In fact I'm gonna be as honest as I can with you I don't even know when the last time I smoked a joint was I've been hitting that bubbler For the last three weeks When you have great weed

If you got laughing gas Or any of that products from ice cream shop Or anything like that And you smoke You take three hits off that bubbler I mean listen Three hits could kill the regular human I'm not lying to you

That thing hits like a fucking savage But if you take three hits of that I'm pretty fucking good for the rest of the night I swear to God I gotta go upstairs and get a bag of something at some point Which is always a great fucking sign You know Doritos

Which I'll do once every two weeks or something like that I try to drink like a protein shake Or a fucking milkshake That's my speed or a milkshake A fucking apple A couple of apples I've been into apples again I bought a bunch of fruit

My wife and I go honey buy a bunch of fruit When I got to COVID I go just get some nice little fruit Dog I had to throw it all away The only thing that was good were the fucking blueberries That's it Everything

Nothing tastes like shit Everything And then listen I didn't lose my taste with COVID But like everything was raw Like not raw But it was like I had melon Not that good

I had a watermelon Not that good I got some strawberries Didn't even fucking taste like strawberries The blueberries are really fucking good And they're good antioxidants When all that shit And the apples are good

But all the other fucking What else did I got? I got like a melon A watermelon And there was something else I didn't get a mango I couldn't find a fucking mango And it's so funny

I live in Jersey It's completely different from California When you live in California Everybody gives you tamales for Christmas I used to give away tamales Between Silent Bob Couple other Mexican dudes They would drop off ten Rick Ramos

They would drop off ten pork fucking tamales And then you bumped into a lady selling them There's always a woman selling them I couldn't get a fucking tamale in New Jersey I got coquito Like a motherfucker You ever drink coquito? I got a bottle here

Coquito is a Is a Puerto Rican coconut with rum type drink A little It's like Puerto Rican eggnog That's what coquito is It's Puerto Rican eggnog I had bought two bottles To support this blue

My friend's father's a cop And he sells them for police officers So I bought two bottles The first night I had COVID I couldn't fall asleep I was like fuck I read somewhere that if you take a I didn't know I had COVID at that point

I can't lie to you motherfucker I had no idea I had COVID at that point But somebody I read somewhere If you take like a milky protein And the shit I take to sleep The kids What do you give your kids to sleep When they're sneezing and shit

No the other shit That puts them to fuck out for hours Benadryl Three or four benadryls Just sleep like a fucking baby Too bad I outgrew it now I got two upstairs I might drop this afternoon

And take a quick little nappy noon But I took It said a milky protein And some benadryl And I'm like I got benadryl And I got like milk I could put protein powder in it But wait a second

I got coquito So I went upstairs I opened that bottle of fucking coquito Now my buddy made me a bottle That was no bueno I loved him to death Eddie Lisa Great people

But That motherfucker had so much rum in it I drank a little bit of it And I got fucked up So I couldn't do that one I had to be a mild man in one I went upstairs I opened up one of those blue bottles of coquito

I brought it down here I took my fucking Whatever the fuck you call them Benadryl Dog I was taking little sips of that coquito I ended up drinking the whole fucking bottle I looked at the bottom

Like oh I'm gonna have to do 29,000 sit-ups tomorrow Cause this puts a lot of weight on you Between the alcohol The fucking rum The cream There's heavy cream in there Coconut milk

God knows what else is in there Puerto Rican toenails I don't know what the fuck was in there I drank that motherfucker And I could look at his all in there I was not drunk I was just fucking constipated I don't know what the rum did to me

I don't know if the rum don't work on I'm Cuban Rum don't do shit I got so much rum in my veins From my grandparents This shit doesn't even affect me But I drank that bottle one night Fucking delicious

But the next day Dog I felt like buff In all fucking day I didn't even touch the eggnog Like my wife bought American eggnog And I would look at it every day I can't wait that fucking eggnog Maybe throw a little something in there

I don't know what to throw in there I like it just straight With a glass With ice cubes Ah, delicious I didn't even drink the fucking eggnog Because I drank so much fucking coquito I felt fucking guilty from drinking the eggnog

So I was like I gotta give the fucking coquito a break But man It's January fucking 5th And I feel I don't feel like my feet are on the ground Like it's just been such a wild fucking week so far Like I went to CVS

It looks like Mad Max in there There's nothing on the fucking shelves You know I'm running behind on stuff I ordered some albums I just got a fucking note Two days ago The albums are running ten days late

I don't know where the fuck they are I got some pretty cool albums On eBay I just wanted to take a chance To see what was out there Not on eBay I ordered some albums on One of the sites on there

Somebody sent me a site With like heavy metal albums and shit Like I got like Judas Priest The one that came out in 80 British Steel That's a hard one to find in good shape I think I got one there But this one was the original one or whatever

So I paid a little extra dough for it Just to sprucing up the fucking Album of the week Just to get that going a little bit more Cause my two album shops closed I'm waiting for this artist to have He has a fucking viewing Every January

Jimmy took me last year That's where I got the guns and roses And I think I got something else No I got the Led Zeppelin big one From the garden in 77 And I got something else Jimmy ended up getting It was right after Van Halen died

Jimmy got a tremendous Eddie Van Halen with him drinking champagne Fucking tremendous We went there We spent two or three hours I remember it was in the middle of Covid I had to wear my mask I was taking

I just found the pictures the other day The decade that rocked Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah He took the pictures from Umfog And all that shit From that one club in the city Great, just fucking great So I'm waiting for him

To see if they do that music Screening this year What was the name of it And here's the funny thing about that guy This photographer Like I've had the pleasure Of interviewing photographers The last couple of years and stuff

They're interesting, motherfuckers Very interesting You know, they tell you That's like this guy here I forget what his name is He was in I just saw him That one night I was watching

The Rick James documentary He spent three weeks with Rick James And had to take pictures of him and shit That's why I want to see him Because I want to ask him About Rick James The last time I saw this guy

The photographer was We did Remember I did Ozzy's Boneyard For New Year's Eve last year He was on deck after me But the thing about photographers, man They got balls of steel Whether it's the guy I had on

I can't remember what his name on Before I left L.A. Great guy His wife was my coach He was like Guns N' Roses guitarist He was also We did that video We put on

This was the weirdest podcast we did Because he did the podcast And on the way out He goes, hey, put that video on And we put a video on It was him with Jimmy Page And Arrow Smith And we're like

Why don't you tell us Just during the podcast And he goes Well, I never really thought of it I go, all right So he went home I called him I said, listen

The podcast didn't work Come back tomorrow And do it again And this time Open up with that fucking video So people know that You're a fucking savage You know, when he told this story

But this guy had a tremendous story About being 15 And sticking the cameras And buying oversized jeans And sticking the cameras And his jeans And the extra little black containers Of film

They used to be these little black containers When we were kids Like, if you bought a bag of weed You got an envelope But if you were really cool You got it in one of those Fucking film containers I know a lot of you young guys

Don't know what I'm talking about Some of the old goats like me Don't know what the fuck I'm talking about If you went to the city To buy weed in those days They'd give you a yellow Manila envelope A small one

And it had a mark Of where the weed was going to be filled to But if you got a good dealer He'd fill it up A little fucking morpher And you wrapped it up And that was the end of that If you were really cool

You sold weed In little film canisters Oh my god I still remember Bringing the film canisters home People were like, where'd you get those? Like the cool kid on the block For like an hour

Until they realized you were dunce Ross Halflin Halifn Rob Halifn Ross Halifn What's his name? Ross Ross Halifn

Ross Halifn No, no, no, no, no That's one of the good guys Yeah, this guy was on He did the... He took all these pictures Sorry if I'm turning fucked up I got a little bit of a migraine headache

Had to take a couple Tylenol And relax before Mike came here today But listen Headaches Fucking Toe Jam Fungi Toe Whatever it is

800 milligrams of THC 2000 milligrams of THC I try to always show up Man, I got a fucking headache You know, we were going to do a zoom today But I figured... Mark Weiss Mark Weiss is his name

Mark Weiss Is a fucking interesting guy It was one of the best days I had I had just gotten here And Jimmy's like, you want to go To this rock thing The guy's got, you know, pictures I didn't know what to expect

I thought he was going to have pictures of local bands I opened the door He's got a picture of fucking, you know Motley Crue in there When they're like fucking 10 I was like, where the fuck did you get this? And he just started unloading on me And, you know

It's so weird how, you know Musicians want to be Comedians Comedians want to be musicians, you know Last night I was watching Two nights ago I was watching Monday Night Football And Snoop Dogg was on with the two brothers With the quarterback, Peyton Brothers

You know, I don't know if you watch And that Monday Night Football But you can watch it regularly With the regular fucking announcers Or you can watch it with the Peyton Brothers I always watch it with the Peyton Brothers When I watch it Because they always have interesting fucking people on

Monday Night they had on Homie from fucking Green Bay That's the best podcast I had in a long time They had Homie from Green Bay Snoop Dogg and Roger Goodell And that night after that I got bored You know, I could just watch Monday Night Football Fucking so long

But it was great to watch Listen, man, a couple weeks ago I went on a fucking tear on Twitter You know, I was watching Pittsburgh one night I'm just a dog, I'm a fan of everybody You want me to tell you I'm a fan of the Giants or whatever No, I like all the fucking teams I like them all for a different reason

Pittsburgh has been in my blood Since, you know, I was a kid Look what I got on today Fucking Clemente I love anything fucking Pittsburgh Jimmy Florentine gave me this for Christmas Size 3X, it's nice It's not that warm

But it was his anniversary on It was his death anniversary on Saturday, maybe Yeah, New Year's Day is when Roberto Clemente was fucking dead Or when they found him dead I had no fucking idea, but That's the day I found out he was dead

He died on the way to Monago, Nicaragua Bringing supplies for the Dudes from Earthquake So I was always Love Pittsburgh, whether it was football Basketball, I don't like the penguins But I like the pirates also So I'm watching Pittsburgh

I don't know who the fuck they were playing And they just look like shit And Ben Rothesberger Whatever his fucking name is Listen, I was a fan of his for a while But then I went to Pittsburgh And people were telling me the horror stories about him and shit And I was like, I can't watch this guy no more

But I didn't watch football for a long time So he didn't fucking matter to me And I started fucking watching football Two years ago and I'm like, what is up with his head? Like his head looks like my old cat If you don't fucking cut a cat's dick off The testosterone keeps growing in him And his head gets really fucking big

If you've had a male cat and they're not fixed Their fucking head is huge That's what happened to Ben Rothesberger I don't know what the fuck happened to that retard But I was watching him and it was one of the worst It was Thanksgiving weekend And there was three fucking blowouts That's what it was

And one blowout was justifiable But the other one, Pittsburgh, was not justifiable I grew up watching Jack Lambert and Jack Hamm And all these fucking savages And Franco Harris and fucking The really good quarterback that's on NFL today I grew up watching these fucking guys And I'm watching this

This wasn't even a close to fucking Pittsburgh football And after the game I was so upset I just took it to fucking Twitter I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? And people were pissed at me Pittsburgh people understood where I was coming from Because I explained myself I wasn't bashing them

This was not the Pittsburgh I was used to fucking watching All those years So I went off and then he was on Monday night football this week And I watched him And I felt guilty about what I said You know, his last game was Monday at home Thank God they're shipping that big headed fuck out Hopefully they'll bring in Aaron Rodgers

Or my man from Seattle And Pittsburgh will be back In their fucking glory days Like I remember him as shit Not this nonsense I'm watching on TV now I've been watching sports lately guys So I'm getting emotional about this shit But it doesn't really matter

I had a good time Monday night And like I said, this is the first week of the year People are still scattered I'm fucking scattered We're gonna do the studio this week Hopefully I got a couple days now My mind is everywhere There's so many things I want to say and do

And there's so many ideas I have with this podcast But I don't know where to fucking start But this week I feel a lot better All of the off week I'm gonna move some shit around in here And we're gonna get this thing Tip Top Magoo if not I'll tell you what the other option I had guys

I'm just gonna go dark I've been thinking about it Just going dark No more YouTube videos Audio, that's it It's easier on me I could just talk I don't have to look in the camera

And feel guilty anymore I don't have to worry about my eyelashes Or my eyebrows I don't have to worry about my nose hair I don't have to worry about what's behind me And I could just talk and tell you motherfuckers What's in my heart And do that for 45 minutes and move on

I do not fucking know We're running all fucking scenarios here Mike came up today We're gonna install some speakers So the sound quality is better The fucking thing that Ralphie gave me Is good for like a little room Not if you wanna fucking smoke dope

And listen to music It just doesn't cut it I wanna start hooking earphones And shit like that I'm getting all these new albums So I wanna change this around guys Listen, sometimes you're fucking stale And I ran into COVID

And just I've had bad luck this year When it comes to fucking You know, all this shit I mean, in LA I put the feelers out I could find the garage And fucking 10 days Like I did with that office It just took a little while

I put feelers out fucking three months I think I got like fucking five calls And everything has been, you know 22, 30 fucking miles away So the podcast right now The joint I'm just been a little confused The COVID didn't help

The holiday didn't help Me being down for a few weeks didn't help But when I get this shape Fucking place up Tip top my goofy I wish I could smoke some reefer back here I'm really missing smoking with you motherfuckers But my daughter will be here

And I can't have a sm- The other day I was in the backyard I just spoke to my wife My wife goes We're having lunch somewhere We won't be home for a while I was doing some work around the fucking house I went in the backyard

In the afternoon And my fucking It's really tough to smoke with that thing outside too I don't know if you guys understand I mean, I love freeze pipe in their products I love their bungs But I gotta be honest with you If I take that big bong

And smoke in front of my house The cops will be here in ten minutes Anybody who sees that bong Thinks it's like a fucking bomb You know, I've showed it to people When they come over When you have to build it Even the little one

Even the little bong Is fucking dangerous So I've had those Like they're like showroom models I don't want to smoke out of them I use them for the podcast Take pictures of them The bubbler I fucking use

And people got mad at me Like, ah, who gives a fuck When I took the picture before I had two bublers I gave one to Mike I kept the other one And I didn't smoke out of it Because I had smoking out of the other one

So when I put the picture Or the clean one up People were like, what the fuck Listen, you're not gonna man That's how I know the world's in bad shape The internet responses Like the comments used to be bad Ten years ago

Now they're all over the place People are still accusing me Of killing Jesus Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare So we keep fucking trying here But besides that I'm swinging cocksuckers You know, like I was telling Mike

I don't know about stand-up I don't know if my agents Are gonna call me and put me In a fucking movie Nobody knows what's going on right now The numbers are high All I know is I come here on Mondays And Wednesdays

And bullshit to you guys And hopefully we'll make sense Out of all this shit I'm not making sense out of all this shit I'm just as confused as you are We've been fucking They've been throwing information at us At such a high rate of speed

The last two years That we all need a fucking breather You know If it was up to me I'd fucking disappear But I love you motherfuckers And I can't leave you in a wretch like this The world is in a bad place

And you motherfuckers need Uncle Joey And believe it or not Uncle Joey needs you cocksuckers too You know, I'm working hard I'm trying to put the pieces together With Patreon and everything I answer my messages I make my videos

Let me tell you some of the Patreon app If I could light that fucking thing on fire I would Every fucking You know how many nights I would sit in this table Spend an hour Fucking getting the music lined up

Getting it all ready for Why did I stop doing music on Patreon For the intros It's an hour And then you go to fucking put the thing down And you're like That's not the song I played It's playing like white lines

I'm putting up sabbath bloody sabbath And white lines is coming up So I gotta call my niece She's gotta clean out the fucking hole Put it in there again Then you got another fucking thing That's from July 18th So I just said fucking

I can't deal with this shit no more Cause everything's kicking my fucking ass I said enough You know I would I love music I love music to motivate in the morning Nothing motivates Listen

As soon as I wake up in the morning I don't And I pee I get up I fucking I got my dick in my hand I'm pain I'm thinking about what I gotta do that day

But I'm also thinking about What song am I gonna put on To make me wanna stab Three motherfuckers today And by the time I fucking wash my hands From the first pee The song is already in my fucking head This morning it was

MSG On and on I loved that fucking jam And there's Michael Jordan Michael Jordan Michael Shank in the group The second album 19

I think it came on 80 81 maybe it came out Fucking the one side Michael Shank is torturing that fucking guitar I listen to that in the morning To make me wanna stab somebody So when I wake up in the morning I would get those

I bring my fucking little computer back here I get it all keyed up Fucking speaker And all of a sudden An hour of work And I can't download it I'm fucking Patreon

I've had enough I've had enough So now I just Go on there and yell in the morning Get up Stab a motherfucker Stab your mother I don't know

Who the fuck knows I was reading where that guy stabbed his mother And his father on Christmas day In Long Island Because of child custody and shit And I'm like It's getting fucking weird By the day

Christmas day You're gonna stab your mother and your father It's a new fucking world out there I'm just coming on here On Mondays and Wednesdays Just to give you a little levity Just to show you I'm fucked up too

But I'm halfway there So please bear with me Next week's shows will be a lot better We'll have the fucking zoom I mean zoom is it guys That's it That's it Unless

They come up with zoom plus Or something We need something fucking new We've been zooming for two fucking years Everybody's fucking zooming You know I watched That thing Monday night They're fucking zooming

And you say When is this fucking zoom gonna end Then the numbers go up again And we're right back where the fuck we started from So Even the podcast Unless you're Rogan And you can fucking blood test the guy

When he gets there And shit like that I can't afford that fucking machine I looked into it I can't even afford 10 tests They want 40 hours of fucking tests now I got them on sale for 18 Now they want 40 hours of fucking tests

So I don't know what's going on I'm just trying to do my best To keep you fucking saying Me saying And my house saying I love you motherfuckers with all my heart I'll be back Monday

Tip Top Magoo The tent And we'll talk some shit then This is the first week Let's just fucking write this off Say hello to each other We checked in with each other And you motherfuckers know I love you

Have a great week man We got some great fucking games this weekend We got some great college basketball Great We got everything now I haven't watched sports in years And I'm excited again about them And yeah I still draft king it

I love little draft kings I had a great time with draft kings this weekend But now I'm just watching college basketball Just to I haven't watched college basketball since Fucking Michael Jordan fucking played So that just goes to show you how busy I've been Cocked suckers

I love you at all my heart Stay black, have a great week And we'll get this all fixed up And I'll be back 100% Tip Top Motherfucking Magoo Monday to 10th It's my daughter's birthday this weekend I'm excited about that

I can't even have a party Because everybody's getting fucking COVID Can you believe this shit That means if I was 14 I couldn't even swap spit with a girl Suck at titties this week Because you might get fucking COVID Not to the other

Anyway We're just having six little girls sleeping over I love you motherfuckers with all my heart Laughing gases from full effect Still getting us fucking high Show me the back there Boom, there you go Is it upside down now

Tremendous Smells like fucking some guy crossing the border's feet That's how good that shit smells Where's the kids in the border They're probably fucking 20 by now They're probably driving up the fucking coast by now They don't talk about the kids on the border no more What happened

If you know where they are Hit me up What happened to the black kid that had flies on him Same thing I want to know what happened to the black kid with the flies And I want to know what happened to the kids on the border Nobody's talking about them no more There was thousands of them in cages

And now they disappeared I don't know I seen the little Mexican kid in free hole last week I was gonna ask him He had one of those tin fucking blankets on his shit I love you motherfuckers Stay black Have a great week

And Uncle Joey still has it somewhere in there I love you motherfuckers Alright you bad motherfuckers I want to thank you guys For putting up with this here They're beating on a beautiful fucking Wednesday You know what man You have good days and you have bad days

I've been struggling a little lately And I'm sorry about it But we're making a fucking comeback But anyway From the heart of New Jersey The joint is brought to you by DraftKings Listen it's the final week of pro football Before the playoffs

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