Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #136 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, February 7th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is brought to you by Onnit, Bluechew & DraftKings….. Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH for 10% OFF! Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Promo Code: JOEY & Try For Free! Just $5 for Shipping! Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $280 in Free Bets when you Bet $5…. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Code Joey, let's get this party motherfucking started. Jack, it's Monday morning. Come on in. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's your Uncle Joey bringing you joy on a Monday morning, the 7th of February. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's your Uncle Joey bringing you joy on a Monday morning,

the 7th of February. What's your joy, Joey? What are you bringing me? A box of pussy? What are you bringing me? A box of $100 bills? Nah, a different fucking outlook on things. I'm happy.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's February in Jersey. That means you could wake up and it could be fucking 60 degrees or 10 below and guess what? Let's go with the fucking ladder. 10 below. There's no 60s in February on East Coast. It's fucking cold, Jack.

Went over to PA this weekend. It's even fucking colder there. It was like 16 degrees, but it was a great time and that's all that fucking matters. I'm tipped off my goo. I'm looking good. I'm ready to go. Smoking weed again.

That's what the problem with the fucking world is right now. People gave up on reefer. It's a religion. Get back to it. You know what? I was a little oombots for a fucking couple months there. You know, I thought I was done with reefer. I really fucking thought so.

It wasn't doing anything to me. It was just giving me more anxiety than what I had. Then the anxiety fucking went away and I got stuck with me. Johnny Dudd. And I'm like, what am I going to do all day? Think about what? I'm no fucking Buddha. I'm no fucking...

Yeah, Johnny Dudd. What am I going to think about? You think my mind is deep, so I said fuck it. And now I smoke before I head to the gym. 11 o'clock through the treadmill. Just the fucking brand. Two dudes at the gym who won't shut the fuck up. Nice people.

They're a couple. She don't say shit. She just walks around. She's lucky to be alive. But the husband is like 38. Sweetheart of a guy. Sweetheart of a fucking guy. But he won't shut the fuck up during workouts.

Joey, what kind of music do you like? Joey, what do you eat at night? Shut the fuck up, Eric. Stop. Stop. So your dad will go up to him, Eric. You haven't shut the fuck up once. You're messing with me, right, Joey?

Yeah. He's tremendous. So it's his birthday. I'm going to shout him out. Maybe give him an edible, like a 10 milligram to put him where he fucking belongs. But my point was that when I go down there, you know, I've been going to the same gym since I moved here. For like a year, it would get to me.

And recently, it doesn't bother me at all. You know why? Reefa, that's why I go in there fucking blasted for those freeze pipe bong nits for breakfast. You go in there reeking of reefer, looking like grandpa from the months. Smoke coming out from Mary fucking orifice. And you know what? I don't even hear him anymore. When I walk, I put the fucking earbuds on.

Listen to a little deff leopard, whatever the fuck is cooking on the phone that day. And I take the buds off and I lift and I hear them like every once in a while. It's like somebody's drowning. You know, like when you walk on the beach and say, you know, that type of shit. That's what you hear from time. That's it. I don't, it doesn't even bother me. One of the trainers is like, it doesn't bother you anymore.

Nah, because I'm smoking dope in the morning. He goes smoking dope, shuts out the noise. I go smoking dope, shuts out everything. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, I wanted to talk to you guys about something. I started the story on Patreon the other day. You know, I do a little Patreon 20 minute podcast twice a week. And it's fucking perfect for me because I could just dump, you know, dump.

And it's always great when you have a podcast that you could just dump on because you don't know what's going to come out during the dump. It's like a journal only vocal. You know what I'm saying? And that's how I treat that podcast. I love doing a 20 minute fucking podcast. You stare at nothing. There's no camera.

You know, people always go, you should have a camera. Fuck no. This is a little better sometimes, a little bit more private. But for some reason I was thinking of this dude, Mr. Blue. Mr. Blue is my prison counselor. And you know, every week I think of Mr. Blue in one way or another because he gave me like that push. He gave me like that.

Like he gave me something to work for. I've had, you know, 200 people that stepped up for me and I probably let 60 of them down. So I'm up a buck 40. So I'm all right. But, you know, for a long time I was letting people down when they would step up for me. And then, you know, you grow the fuck up.

And when somebody steps up for you, you fucking feel in your fucking bones. And you go, you know what? I got to fucking pay my debt back. And it's not money. It's just some floor in your character that you want to adjust, you know. So with me, it was just my attitude. You know, I thought I was bad shit when I went to prison. And Mr. Blue let me know there was fucking hope.

When there's hope, everything's great, you know. So we were talking about my roofing career, how I got into fucking roofing. And a lot of people know about my roofing days. The funny thing was I did a thousand jobs, you know, and I wasn't happy with any of them. And all of a sudden, somewhere comedy was in my backbone. Like it was like, maybe I'll look into comedy.

I'm not sure, you know what I'm saying? Like you never fucking commit to it. But I got a roofing gig and it was the first job that I saw a future in. But guess what? It was too late. I had to give comedy a fucking try now. I had waited, you know, 28 fucking years. And just because I had the job, I kind of liked, which always got with me, it was always an advantage to do something that I kind of liked.

You know, when I look at my job resume, you know, I was trying to see what I was eligible of doing, what I could do with my life. I put like the pseudo thing of my experience. Everything I did was like a year. Anything past a year that I did, I really liked. And there was a future in it, but I didn't know, you know, when it came to roofing, I fucking loved everything about it.

I loved, you know, sawing the fucking roofs and taking the fucking old roof off and putting the fucking insulation down and then putting the fucking rubber down. Then putting the rocks on it was called ballasted roofs. That's all I ever did for about 18 fucking months was ballasted roofs. Maybe like 16 months I did ballasted roofs. It wasn't something I had done sheet rock. I had done, I had painted. I had done brickwork.

I had done carpentry. You know, Uncle Joey did it all. I built walls with fucking railroad ties. We had to drill the fucking thing through. I think I lasted eight hours on that job, not even. I think I lasted until about lunchtime. I fucking dug up the dirt and put pipe in with holes in it. I forget what it's called.

Insulated pipe or some shit. I did it all. I did it all. There's some shit I really enjoyed. There's some stuff you could smoke a joint and the day disappears. Like being a brick mason. Oh my God. We were getting there fucking six thirty in the morning and getting blasted.

And you know, the sun's out. You're laying fucking brick. You're stocking brick for the mason's. You're fucking making mortar, you know, 16 scoops of sand. It's sunny out. You got fucking sand all over you. Sun tan lotion. Fucking those are the days, but then one day you're doing, you're like,

I'm doing all this for $9 an hour. I can sell an eight ball and make fucking 200. I'm out here sweating like fucking Ali Baba in the 40 teams. Get the fuck out of here. You know, and that's what usually happened to me. I had to fucking deal with mentality. But I got out of fucking prison and I went to work for myself at first for a while for about six months just to get, you know, I was, I wasn't going to go.

I was going to come out of fucking the camp and then go into the halfway house and then get a job inside. There was no way that was going to work. I had just been inside for 14 fucking months. I wanted something that I drove around and when I got to the halfway house, they told me I couldn't fucking drive. Fuck that. You know, my bicycle was done.

I had sold the bike. I'm not riding a fucking bike no more. I'm a goddamn adult. So I got myself a little gig detailing my own little cars. I had a little couple of used car dealerships. They wouldn't pay me dick. I was breaking even, but I was selling some fucking powder. I did whatever I had to keep the fucking lights on at the halfway house.

And then I smartened up a little bit and I went to work at Boulder Toyota. And again, I had fucked around the car business for years. I got locked up while I was selling cars. So I had a bad taste in my mouth. I went to Boulder Toyota. It was the fucking best car salesman job I had. I was making from 3,500 to 5,000 a month. I had great hours.

Great fucking mentors. That's where the dude Jim Handy put the bug in my ear about doing stand up. You know, and I was like, what the fuck is he talking about? And, you know, he told his son he was thinking of quitting and taking me on the road. But I'm like, what's this guy talking about fucking stand up County? This guy has to go get a cocktail or something. He always talked to me. You're writing any joke shit.

No, I'm not writing no jokes. Go away. I'm saying like, now I thank him when I go. Jesus, thanks for staying on me. So I worked for him for about four months. You know, I was on probation. They would come check me out over there. It was kind of fucking embarrassing to do that.

I was always give the pistol with the fucking Alka Seltzer and shit that dude would come haunt me down and look at my eyes and so kind of got embarrassing. And you know what? My father-in-law at the time was a good dude talking about somebody who stepped up for me. He, you know, I mean, he did the ultimate stand up for me. Put the bail up. He fucking wrote letters.

He talked to the judges. He went to the hearing for probation. I mean, my father-in-law was a fucking great dude. And when he opened up like that, it brought something out of me. So I could tell he wasn't happy that I was back selling cars. He felt I was going to get into the same rut. Little did he know I was already snort and stuff like that. But I was a little bit more professional about it.

I was keeping it as professional as you could be when you snort coke. I mean, that's the dumbest thing in the world. But, you know, so he kind of talked to me. He's like, I'm worried that you're going to get back in the same rut. And I'm like, nah, I like it. These guys were all family guys. There was no boozes. There was a great dealership.

You know, I learned something really important at that dealership, though. It was about 89. And I remember I was really getting into salesmanship, you know, kind of stuff. And I bought a book called Marketing in the 80s. And when I went to Boulder, Toyota, they had everything down. It was owned by the Utah Jazz, the owner of the Utah Jazz. And the people he had in upper management there were all fucking Mormons. I got nothing against them.

They were nice people, but they were by the book. And you understood why they were fucking gazillionaires. Because they did everything and they spent money. I learned big when I worked over there because they spent money on themselves. That Toyota dealership every month sent you somewhere. Anthony Robbins, whatever his fucking name is, sales seminars. They sent you, they spent a lot of money. But where they spent the most money was training in-house.

They didn't want to hire people from the outside. And one of the things they really focused on was one of my favorites, the fucking phone. You know, I was okay on the phones till I went to work there. When I went to work there, I became a fucking professional. And it's weird how from every job, I took a little something. So there were two phones that, you know, when you work at a car dealership, they'll just go sales call on line one. Wherever the fuck you are, you fly to the phone.

Line one, how you doing? This is Joey. How can I help you? I'm looking for an 82 Subaru. All right, I got one. Come on now. You just get this fucking conversation going. Yeah, they give you a little training when you start.

They tell you never to reveal the price or the mileage. You want people to fucking come in. You know what? When you got somebody on the phone, that's easier said than done. Because they rattle you to death until they get what they want. They ask you for the best price, which you're not supposed to give out the best price. You got to go around the fucking bed. So what these motherfuckers did was they got two phones, one on the right side of the show

and one on the left side of the show, like 50 yards away from each other. Both phones belong to a sales service. The salesman came in every Tuesday. He sat on the sales meeting from the Toyota people. He sat on the sales meeting from the management staff. And then he would have his own meeting with percentages and shit like that of how many calls you took. He would listen. They also had two tape recorders and each phone on each side.

So as soon as you pressed, how are you doing? This is Joey. The tape recorder would go off and tape you. Thank God it wasn't sophisticated system. It was the old school ones that were used in bookmaking offices in the 70s. There was a cassette player with a Y and the Y is connected to the fucking handle the phone. Some people are too young. You're like, Joey, what phone had chords?

I know I'm confusing your motherfuckers. I'm bringing you back into the like, Joey, what the fuck was electricity? And yeah, everything was solid. So we had the two phones. So what the girl would say is sales call and you had to go to your phone, pick it up and go, Mary, Mary, I got it. And she'd go, what, where do you want it? Phone one or phone two? Phone one was on the left side.

Phone two is on the right side. I was closest to phone one. I started going on there and I would just do what I do. But there was really a pitch. I would just do what I do and guess what? It wasn't working. Let's be honest. You know, so the guy would bring me up there on Tuesday and go, listen, you received four fucking sales call on Wednesday.

What'd you do with them? Did you sell a car? You didn't even do the paperwork on it. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I sold the car. I got them in from the phone, you know, but he's like, Joey, you're bullshitting me. If you don't do this correctly, I'm going to pull you off the phone. Guys, you know, I was a fucking jackal. I came back with a plan, not to mention they were selling 20 cars a fucking month off that phone because it's bolder.

People call around. They're intelligent. They don't have time to shop. They're smoking a pipe. They got their fucking Birkenstock son. So I did something that was genius, criminal, but genius. I went over to phone number two and I disconnected the fucking tape recorder. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Phone number two, which is for this and me, I just disconnected the phone. So I would watch salesmen run over and go, I got it, Mary. And then she would go, they would go line two and they run over to line two and they'd pick up the phone and I'd go to line one and have it. How you doing? This is Joey and they'd be over there. They'd get it. What the fuck is going on? And I'm on the phone over there selling like a motherfucker.

Come on down. Yeah, it's Joey, whatever. And they started, I read Tuesday again, Joey. Why are you getting all the fucking calls? Hey, listen, I don't know. The fucking phone's broken. Then the guy figured out that I was disconnected the phone. So now I did one, but he would go upstairs.

He would stay and listen. As soon as he left, I disconnected the fucking phone over there. And I disconnected the tape recorder on mine. So I had the phone disconnected in two and the tape recorder disconnected in one. So it was a fucking smorgasbord. I was doing whatever the fuck I want. I was taking those calls, telling them to suck my dick. We weren't taping them.

Nobody had knowledge that when they come in, the receptionist has knowledge of it, but nobody else. The guy would come in on Tuesday, Jesus Christ, somebody disconnected the phone again and they disconnected the fucking tape recorder on the other phone. This went on for about two fucking months. The guy knew it was me. I mean, you know, after a while, I was just doing it the torch room. That was it because he'd come back and he was one of those white guys. He was, I'm flabbergasted, you know, one of those dudes who shit.

So nice dude. I still remember what he looked like. I forget his name and he cut me a fucking deal. He goes, I'm going to take you off the phones for a week until we get this shit organized. But when we come back, I'm not going to put you back on the phone to yourself. Three phone calls from me from script. The script was genius. Whoever wrote the script was genius.

I just didn't have the balls to say it as a fucking dude. I was like, that's pushy. But no, they didn't give you the price of the car. They didn't give you the mileage. They didn't even give you the color of the fucking car. If you stuck to that fucking thing and had the objections. So if you said, I can't come in today and my cat got hit by a car, we had fucking everything drilled for you. A, B, C, D.

And then take it right back to A and grind them, grind them, grind them. Guys, do you know I did that for about three weeks? And I was the top phone salesman in that motherfucker for two months in a row. He cut me a deal. Every time you went out, take it to the best restaurant around to fucking eat on Tuesdays for lunch. I won that award like three fucking months running. When you put a steak dinner and a lobster tail in front of Uncle Joey and sales. Shit.

The dude loved me. Even after I left, the dude kept in touch with me to see if I wanted to go work for the company as one of the traveling salesman, like helping other dealerships. I'm like, come on guy, I'm a fucking criminal. I'm on blow. I can't work out for you. It hurt me to leave bowl to Toyota, but I had to make my father more happy. And I did. And at that age, you know what?

Listen to real me with a said, fuck you. I'm doing what I want, but doing what I want wasn't getting me anywhere. So I listened to all my connections at this place to put a car wash. It was great fucking tremendous money for a kid my age with no degree. Great money. I wish him all the luck in the world. I started there drying off cars. I quit correctly.

I kept in touch with them. I brought customers in there. I would go in there all the time. Then one day they asked me, do you want to come work? I was like, what as a host? That's the best job there. I split it with somebody else. It was a seven day a week job, but I would split it like one week.

I'd work four days on work. I'd work three days. It didn't matter. I was pulling only two grand a fucking week in that motherfucker. A thousand of it was cash. It was fucking tremendous tips, towels. I got to meet the sheriff's department. I got to meet the DA's.

I got to meet the undercover cops. It was just a fucking great job. And I was out there all day. Some days you're froze. Some days it was too hot, but I didn't give a fuck. I got to meet the sports betting guys to finer and all those guys. Oh, everything happened to that fucking car wash. The problem with me and that car wash was I wasn't living right.

And eventually it was only come back to bite me in the ass. And if I fucked up at that car wash, the whole town would know. They had already given me a chance when I got out of the prison with this fucking job. And now I'm going to fucking fuck it up. So I was up in my in-laws one Sunday for dinner with my wife and the baby and we're talking shit. And my brother and I go, what are you guys doing in Boulder? Because they were in Jersey doing the roofs with their other brother-in-law. They started a roofing company.

They go, no, we're going to move back here and get the company going here. We got a big job. We got a two-year job and we're just building the crew and all this shit. And we were just talking, you know, the way we're bullshitting right now. And my father-in-law at the time goes, Joey, maybe you should go on the roof one day a week with him. You have a really flexible job. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll go up there. Fuck you.

Those guys worked. My brother-in-law's fucking worked. When I saw him at the end of the day, those guys were fucking just black and dark from the sun and fucking drunk. They drank on the roofs. I was like, I'm not going on a roof and drinking fucking beers. That's not who the fuck I am. But you know what? My wife said to me, you should go up there with them.

They're the best roofers. They were tremendous. They had all gone to college, a college education, but they started roofing when they were like 12 at this company called Black Roofing in Boulder. And by the time they were fucking out of college, they were fucking master roofers. So they opened up their own company and, you know, 10 years later, I hooked up with them, you know, in 1989, 1990. And I would go out there two days a week, one day a week, two days a week. And then when I go, fuck, I need something to fall back on at the puddle. You know, I was going to quit the puddle.

I go, I need something. I don't know how much they're going to pay me. They were paying me okay on a daily as me just showing up and helping them fucking eight hours and giving me great money. I forget what the fuck it was. They said to me, we'll give you a full-time job if you want to give you a company truck. I was like, fuck it. Let's do it. You know, and in my mind, I'm like, fuck it.

I got a comfy job. No. In my mind, where I came from when your family gives you a job, you got to work hard and everybody else on that fucking team. Period. I never wanted to be where your brother-in-law gets to come at 10 o'clock in the morning. No, I wasn't taking that job to be a shitty person. I was taking that job. I just got out of prison, you know, and this is about me.

This wasn't part of it was my father-in-law, but part of it was really me. And I went to that fucking job and I loved it. And after about a month, they go, listen, do you have any friends you want to hire? And I'm like, fuck yeah. I had this friend, Mike Robuck, that I knew from 83 in Snowmass Village. He was living in Boulder now. I got him a job, like making six, seven hundred a week. I would pick him up in the mornings.

We'd smoke dope, fucking get to the rules, put the ladder up, carry shit up. There was a guy that was there because we needed help. He had a friend called Jim, a Jimmy, the guy must have been 60. And he was a great old man. I remember one day I took a shit in a baggie and gave it to him and told him it was a brownie. And he's like, ah, it smells weird, you know, the whole five minutes. We used to have a blast on that. There was a six-man crew, including an old man, Jim.

And if you're a roofer, you know what I'm talking about. We were tearing down 40 squares a day, lifting. It was two rules that were existing. We were tearing off two existing 19 fucking 10 rules. And then putting sheet insulation, like inch insulation, three quarter insulation. I thought it was 30 years ago. Don't fucking give me a math test now. It was a long time ago.

We put the insulation, then we'd roll the rubber out. All six of us were pushed to rubber across the roof. And then 2.30 every day, a fucking truck would back up with a bunch of fucking stone. And it would back it into a belt that would take the three stories up. And we'd be up there with a fucking wheelbarrow, one after the other, running it out, dumping it. Running it out, dumping it. Old man Jim would be out there fucking raking the rocks. It was tremendous.

We checked out every day at 3.30. We got there at seven and I fucking loved it. I was outside. You was smoking dope on the roof. We were smoking dope out of a can when it got too hot and too windy. My brother-in-law built a fucking reefer shack, a fucking reefer shack. That's how fucking much of a stoner. I had two brother-in-laws and my one brother-in-law, both of them were dynamite.

My one brother-in-law was just a drinker. He didn't touch nothing, just booze. And he stayed out all night with just booze. They called him the prowler. And my other brother-in-law was the shit. Genius stoner. This guy only bought weed and a quarter pound. He didn't buy quarter rounds.

He didn't buy an eight. He didn't buy an ounce. When this guy went to cop, he would buy a quarter pound. And he drove around in his truck with a bomb, a three-foot bomb and a quarter pound behind each fucking seat. Because he didn't want to smoke the same weed every day. He's the one that taught me, don't smoke the same fucking weed every day. Talked to this guy, we were getting bliss on that job. It was just perfect.

We worked on it for about a year. And I liked my job. I had fucking, I liked it. I don't know how old I was, 30, 31. I was in the best shape of my fucking life. I think my buddy Mike Ronnie has some pictures. You'll die if I post these. I look like fucking Tarzan.

I'm dark like Felipe Esparza. I remember they came out to visit me. We did something and I had a pink shirt on. And I'm darker than the pink. Like it's fucking. I'm like, Jesus Christ, how dark was I when I worked on that roof? Because Colorado has as much sun as Hawaii. For you motherfuckers, we don't know.

Now you know. Yeah, I know Joey Glaser. Now you know. Yeah, I know Joey Global Warming. I know, I know. But they do. They really fucking do. So you get dark working up there.

So I'm on the roof one day and we're talking shit during one of the breaks. The breaks were tremendous. The first we get that 630, we'd be on the roof by seven. And then at 10, we go get green chili, green chili with two eggs, sunny side up, baked potatoes and bacon. I get the fucking green chili and just pour it on the fucking eggs. Oh, come on. I cook the fucking yolk.

I had wheat toast and I had fucking what wheat toast. I didn't know wheat toast was the wonder bread, white and fucking tortillas. And I dip it into the green chili. It was a fucking savage. That was our first lunch. And then we had lunch again at 12. And then like a two before the truck came with the stone. We took like a 15 minute.

That's when we'd fucking burn up to death in there. But one day we were just talking and we would talk. They were talking about hiring a salesman. That this job was coming to an end in about six months. It takes six to eight months to bid new commercial work. This was subcontract. So what that meant was black roofing was giving my in-laws work. They were keeping the heavy duty profit.

We were getting a good profit, but we were also, you know, working our butts off and they were taking the chunk of the fucking dough. So I went to them. I'm like, listen, I'm no fucking roofer or nothing, but I know profit. And this subcontract work is great. I know you guys are in it. I know you guys picked this up to get you through the door, but now we gotta, you know, fucking do something.

They're like, well, if you want to learn how to do it, I mean, they just said it to me. Like they thought I was going to go. Yeah, that's not what I'm going to do. I'm just going to move the fuck on and stay a laborer. I told them, I said, listen, I'm thinking that maybe I'll start learning about this estimated shit. And I can just tell about a look on their face. That wasn't their world. Like there's some great comics that you don't know about because they're not good at social media.

It's not their world. It's not they're not fucking hilarious. They're not just good at social media. The guys were good at one thing and I was roofing. They didn't want to talk to anybody. They weren't into that shit. They didn't want to talk to nobody. So I understood why they didn't want to go for the big picture because they ain't got to talk to people.

Fuck that. I wanted the big picture. I had this opportunity. So there was no fucking Googling back then. There was no, you know, I'll just yahoo it. No, I had to go home and fucking, you know, go to a library and figure out how do you become an estimator. Checked out some fucking books and I looked into it and that I did. When I was a kid, I used to write the coaches and C double A coaches for the college workouts for basketball.

I would take, you know, Bob Foster at the time from North Carolina. I went back to that and I started calling these fucking roofing companies. Carl, good year. There was four companies we dealt with and I talked to them and they're like, listen, we all have estimating seminars and we have information seminars. You come out to live for three days and learn everything about our rubber. We'll give you pamphlets. We'll get you started. We'll teach you how to be a fucking estimator.

So I did all the things. It was like six weekends in a row and then I took a fucking estimating job in homes in residential fucking roofing. So every day on the way home, me and Mike would be driving through a neighbor and I go, Mike, pull over and I'd see somebody would have fucked up. And I'd put, I'd just pass out 25 fucking flyers in their mailboxes. You're not going to believe this. I put on like 25 fucking flyers and one day and by the time I got home, there'd be like three calls. When can you come out and look at the roof? Sadly, 7am and I would go out there.

I knew what I was doing, but I didn't really know what I was doing. So there was another friend of mine that worked at Black Roofing. His name was D.G. Greybo. Good fucking dude. He came up with my in-laws. He was like the master in residential roofs. So I called him one day and I go, listen, I'm thinking of doing this. And he goes, if you do it, if you need any help, let me know.

I go, let's, well, why don't we go out tomorrow? I think it was the first house. It wasn't like in our Vata. Let's go out to our Vata and let's look at these houses. And he came out with me, Doug. We sold two of them right on the spot. Like 33,000 dollar bids. They're like, yep, absolutely.

We'll send it to our insurance and we'll have the check for you in 30 days. All we asked for was 50% deposit. Boom. We must have done this every Saturday for like fucking two months. Let me tell you something. We packed our fucking schedule up. Packed every weekend. So I worked five days a week on the roof and then Saturdays we get to the roof.

We pick up the material at six in the morning, get to the roof. Me and him will get on the fucking roof and tear off the old roof. Then we fucking put all the seeding and all that shit and we do all the flashing. We go home at five, get back there Sunday at seven a.m. and we fucking bang out the shingles. I had my own fucking egg gun. It was tremendous. Put the fucking shingles down, clean up around the area and we split fucking 1250 every fucking weekend.

It was 625 dollars a day. It was fantastic. It was fucking fantastic. We did this constantly. People were like, you work seven days a week? Fuck yeah. I did it for about two or three months and then I was like, I don't know. I gotta figure something out in my life.

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed what I was doing. And you ready for this? We were wrapping up the job we want. And I started fucking P.T.L. Construction, P.F.L. Construction Company in Denver. I called them one day and started talking to the dudes like, I'm from fucking Middlesex or something, New Jersey.

We started talking. He's like, you come out of here anytime and look at all our prints and fucking put bids on them. Are you fucking kidding me? I would fucking go in the morning, drop off the material from my brother-in-law. Then I would shoot out there. I got myself a little yellow construction hat they gave me. Dog. I would walk in that building.

Like I knew what I was doing. I knew nothing. I'd walk upstairs. There'd be a bunch of estimators up there measuring shit. I'd fucking look at their notes. I'd steal shit from them like the numbers and I'd submit it. And one day I actually booked a commercial job, like a $600,000 commercial job. My brother-in-laws were burning hot because, listen, they didn't think I was going to move on with it.

But I did. And on my own, I fucking was nailing this work and having a great time. When I nailed that big job, I could see that this was not, they were like pushing that leg. And it kind of hurt my feelings. It kind of hurt my feelings. Because finally I found something I liked and I don't know. It was like they didn't want to do it. Like I was all gung-ho about this fucking idea.

Here I was. I took all the training seminars. I did everything I had to do. I started going to these companies. I didn't know what I was doing. And finally I booked a job that was going to be profitable. Like I came in. I would have made the company extra money because I just, you know, I knew that there was six

of us, seven of us in the crew and we didn't give a fuck. We worked fucking hard. So we were doing 40 squares a day. If you're a roofie, you're like, Joey, that's a lot. That's what we were doing. We were savages. We didn't, we did not fucking stop. We took our job with pride.

I got Mike to work with me and I got this other hippie dude to work with me that I knew. I used to buy weed from his girlfriend. Nice Jewish chick. He was Jewish. His work ethic was okay. He was a hippie. He had no strength. You know, he was like a vegan and shit.

He smelled funny, but he was a good dude and we had him out there every day with us. Like years later when I got separated, he went against me and God knows what happened to him. But for a lot of people don't know, there was some problems at home. Like there were some problems at home. I, you know, I was working. I was working seven fucking days a week. That was the problem.

And I'm saying plus I was getting highlight two nights, but not all nighters. I would just do a couple of fucking bumps, drink a beer or two, bang one out. I had like a little outdoor patio that I would go out to at night. It wasn't really, it was a sun room. That's what it was. I would go out there at night and make believe I was looking at the mountains with a telescope or whatever the fuck. But December that year, like I was doing great with him and shit.

And then it was in Colorado at that time. You know, now things have changed. You know, it's snowing in fucking Texas. You know, when I was a kid, never snowed in Texas, but it's snowing in fucking Texas now. One time I was going to Texas Arkana on a fucking Greyhound bus. I was going to work somewhere and I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw snow. And the guys, I went up to them like, are we in Texas? Yeah, fuck.

And I never see snow down here, but things are changing. So and now they've had snow for like three days, freezing weather. Really doesn't matter, Joey. Why are you talking about Texas and the snow? Anyway, you know, it was really cold and I was talking to Mike Robuck. Like after I said the story on Patreon, I called my friend Mike Robuck who lives in Grand Junction and we were talking. I go, you know, I was thinking about when I used to pick you up in the morning. We used to go roof.

We were fucking laughing our asses off, telling little stupid stories. But we did this job. Me, Mike, and my brother-in-law, that was like a skeleton crew. It was like the day before Christmas. We had a shovel of roof and load materials on there. This was the last section we were doing there. It was just like a week, a week's worth of work. And it was going to be because the Jersey crew had gone home.

So it was just going to be me, the Prowler, Mike, and the Jewish kid and maybe Jim, the old man. And we had to go up there and it was, guys, it was brutal. Like I had been outside before. I had skied and shit. But we had a fucking high-low up on the roof. They had to carry it up like they had to bring it up to the day before. When we got there, there was a foot of snow. We had to clean off the fucking thing.

I mean, it was just a nightmare and we had to bring materials up there. And I'll never forget that my brother-in-law was a dog. It's going to be like this for the next two weeks. We're just taking the time off. Like, all right, fine. He goes, I'll pay you. Whatever. I don't care.

You guys, my brother-in-laws are paying me a great salary. By the way, from the beginning, there was no train. He paid. There was nothing. They're like, listen, we're just going to pay you like a fucking journeyman. Not a lot of people do that. And that's why I gave my heart and soul to them for a lot of different reasons. But when they fucking lifted the rock, I'm all in.

When you lift the rock, I'm all in. So while that two-week break, my wife would take, at the time, my wife would take my daughter to daycare. She would cut hair. And basically, I would like pick her up at daycare when it snowed. And I would just sit around all day, take a ride, maybe smoke some dope. I didn't smoke dope like I did, you know, five years ago. But I was smoking dope. And I watched.

I went, I had that video store in Boulder. It had three floors, all the best movies. So I said, fuck it. You know, if I don't have any work, I'll catch up on some fucking movies. I'm a big movie buff. And I rented a movie called Punchline. And it had Tom Hanks and The Flying None of It. And it was about a comedy club in Jersey, like in Newark somewhere.

It had Angel Salazar, Damon Wayans, a bunch of fucking good comics on there. I knew who Tom Hanks was, but I didn't know who the rest of the guy was. I know Angel Salazar from Scarface. But I didn't know anybody else, you know, but I really enjoyed the movie. It was a funny movie about a comedy, a comic Tom Hanks. And he's selling material and he does, you know, it didn't really matter. You know what? It opened up my mind to comedy.

I go, wow, all those guys told me I could be a comedian. This is what it is. They all had lockers at the comedy club and they went down every night and performed their act. There was like a camaraderie. You know, I'm like, maybe I'll fucking try comedy. You know, then the holidays came and went. January was upon us and I was back to work. There was no fucking comedy, but like maybe three weeks later, this is how fate feels.

It works. It's fucking weird. I got there and usually we'd all take a break. We would call in the order at the breakfast place and one of us would go pick it up and bring the food back. And we'd eat right outside. If it was too cold, we ate in our trucks or we'd go to the fucking diner and just, you know, eat there. We'd call it in and go. So we would just sit for like 20 minutes.

It wouldn't fuck up our label. So I was just fucking roof or I was already getting calls to, you know, for the full for the spring of 91. I was already getting calls and shit. I'm like, this is wild. I'm going to have my own little roofing company on the side, me and this dang guy and we just do work on the weekends. How long will it last? I mean, when am I going to get a chance to see my family? Like I said, at that time, I wasn't a big family man.

I was still living on the thing that I was still living under the premise that a man just went out and made money. You know, we did what we did. We came home and we did the best we could. We shook the baby and then, you know, go take the baby, go give her the bet. I got to watch the news on my favorite game show or whatever the fuck. I didn't look at it for what it was, you know, so I went to work one day and they were like, Joey, do you mind going to pick up the breakfast with behind? I was like, fuck yeah, I'll go over there.

I went in there and I never forgot. I sat down at this diner fucking old place, small, really great breakfasts and really good green chili. I never forget I walked in and I fucking, you know, ordered the breakfast in the waitress. She goes, I'll get it all boxed up for you. I go, let me get a bowl of green chili while I wait. You know, me, I'm a fucking gavone. And while I was waiting for the chili, I looked around. I was sitting at the counter, you know, and it was 1030.

So the breakfast rush at left and people always leave behind a newspaper. So I stepped back just to see where the fucking newspaper was. And it was a Rocky Mountain News. I'll never forget this guys. When I stuck my hand in the paper, I stuck the thumb in the middle. And when I pulled it out, the news, when I pulled it towards me, the newspaper opened. And as fate beat my fucking, God is my witness and opened up to a page with a picture of this comedian, Andy Payton, from Denver up on stage bent over, like talking to the audience.

And on the left side, on the far right side, it was a picture of Rose and Ambar. Not on the same stage like they had, you know, graphic that in there somewhere, another CGI. Like fucking Tommy Lee's dick in that fucking movie that... Did you see that? Yeah, I couldn't deal with that either. We'll discuss that in a minute. But I was blown away with that. No comment.

And I opened it up and there was Andy Payton, Rose and Ambar in the middle of the page. It had, do you want to be a stand-up comic? And I felt like that fucking... You ever feel the goosebumps on your fucking neck just go... And I was like, what the fuck is this? And I'll never forget, do you want to be a stand-up comic? And they were talking about Rose Ann's fame and how she busted out of Denver. And the clubs she worked at in Denver, I didn't even know there were these clubs.

Like I said, there was no internet in fucking January of 1991. I didn't have it. So I'm looking at all this shit and they're talking about open mics. They're talking about the three clubs in Denver and there's a club about to open. They just said all this shit on there. And I was like, all the information I needed. When I got off, when I watched the Punchline movie, I remember I went in the kitchen and I called 411 and I go, comedy clubs in the area

and they must have told me just the comedy works. And I remember calling them and going, do you have a new talent night? And they're like, yeah, we have Tuesday night, you get three minutes. Call the week before and we'll call you the week of. And I'm like, yeah, I'll call you back, fuck you. I'm not ever calling back. I'm too scared to get on stage. But I remember reading that article. It was fucking just...

You know, like when you have a question, this answered everything in one fucking swoop. Like just everything, like open mics, where they were, what time they started, who ran them, you know, really interesting fucking article. I think I just stole the newspaper. But on the bottom, it had like comedy programs, you know, it had like Improv Olympic, Los Angeles, and it had like whatever some other thing in Los Angeles, you know,

I'm in Denver, I'm in fucking Boulder, what are you talking about? But the last one, it was like comedy class, taught by Jeff Holmes at the University of Colorado, starts like February, whatever, till February, whatever, it's three weeks in a row. So we're talking about fucking, you know, 21 years ago, 31 years ago, this was 32 years ago. That's crazy.

The class was $33. Like if you join a class in New York to do stand-up comedy at a club, with a stand-up like me, it would cost you like, you know, it would cost you your first son. It would cost you like four fucking hundred and fifty dollars, and you gotta pay a $250 deposit, and give him $50 a week for the rest of the fucking classes, and you're like, I don't even have that fucking, I can't even pay rent.

You know, when you want to get into stand-up, like I said, you never drive to an open mic in a Lamborghini. Nobody drives to an open fucking mic in a Lamborghini. So, I mean, I was poor as fuck, so when they said the University of Colorado for 33 bucks, three Sundays from one to four in the afternoon, are you fucking kidding me or what? I don't know what day of the week it was,

I remember going home that night, fucking, going right to the University of Colorado, the Student Center, and just paying the $33 in cash and being so fucking happy. When I walked in that was like, because I was signing up for another class, I'm like, are there still spots left? Because when you get to those things, you're like, you know, there's a stand-up comic book, it's stopped,

and they're like, yeah, we have spots left. How many spots left? I mean, I'm like, and they're like, no, we got plenty of spots. I'm like, thank God, maybe it'll just be me. But no, it was like 20 other guys, you know, guys, you never know where you're going to end up. But again, it goes back to nothing happens on the couch, nothing happens in your house watching the TV,

you know, Mike and I were talking a couple weeks ago, Mike's like, this wedding band wants me to help, I go go. Nobody wants to be in a fucking wedding band, but you don't know who you're going to bump into. And right now in today's world, you might walk in, but you know, for years when I was young, they would say, if you wanted to become like a fucking movie star, just get a job bartending.

And that somebody would discover, yeah, the only thing you're going to discover is how you suck dick. That's the only discovery you're going to fucking make. You know, nobody gets it, but, because Bruce Willis did it. Bruce Willis was a bartender, Michael Mann came in, got a Miami Vice, he auditioned, he got something else. So people always say, well, I can bartend. Well, you know, we're living in a society now where

you might walk in as a sound guy for a band into a venue, you talk to some creepy looking dude, and after the show, you find out that creepy looking dude owns the fucking venue. And he's like, how many days a week do you work with these guys? And you're like, maybe one a week. He's like, right now I'm looking for a full-time guy, man. You know, you could run the whole, and there you are going, fuck.

I'm not even going to get paid by this wedding band, but this dude's offering me a full-time gig. This would have never happened if I was home. So yeah, the wedding band's paying you the small 25, but you wipe your ass with, it's basically gas and a couple pretzels, wah-wah, and then fucking, this guy, so that's what it's all about. It's who the fuck would have thought that this story

was going to take you from roofing to fucking comedy. That's an unbelievable story. The other day when I was kind of going into it on Patreon, I'm like, I'm so sad that this only has 20 minutes because there's so much to this fucking story that it woke me up. Like, remembering this story made my fucking week. You know, and I hope to make sure a week. I don't know, just to let you know, anything is fucking possible.

Anything, it's Monday, man. Anything is possible. When you wake up on a Monday, you wake up and you go, what the fuck? I'm doing it all over again. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You got another chance all over again to tap into your fucking adventure.

It could happen this Monday. It could happen Wednesday. It could happen Friday. You're not going to know. But Monday, when I get up Mondays, I can't tell you how excited I am on Monday mornings, even though I wake up to nothing. I might wake up to maybe the fucking,

I got to answer emails and I go to Jiu Jitsu and I got something like a two o'clock Draft Kings or something. Doesn't matter to me. Something might happen. I might get better at something. You know, I wasn't good at something last week. Maybe this week I'm going to be a little better on it. Maybe last week I couldn't walk 35 minutes on a treadmill.

This week I can. Maybe this is the week something makes me go fucking, go get a fucking, apply a bowl. And when I'm walking out, I see a goddamn lottery ticket. Oh, they're up to 400 million. Huh? You walked in there for the dollar and walked out. And the next thing they're getting a call from lottery people,

we got to check for 400 million. Yeah, I went to get fruit. Look at that. Nothing. But it starts by trying. It's a whole new fucking year, man. And what have happened last year? It happened last year.

This year is fucking for the taking. You know, she wouldn't give you a piece of ass last year. You got a whole new year to try again and bust it. You know what I'm saying? If that job didn't hire you last year, good. You got a whole new year to torture them all over again. Start calling them again. Well, I look at your application.

Well, look again. Look again. I'm the guy. Listen, you got the guy for the fucking job on the phone. Why are we even having this conversation? Right now, everybody's looking for a fucking job. So if you want to step one up a notch in your life, now is the time.

Now is the time. I'm fucking, you know how ashamed I am that I got felonies. And you're not going to fucking to sponge them now for years. Everybody was telling me, oh, you could have spun your felonies. Joey, it's easy. Fuck you. I just called two attorneys. They're like, oh, we don't know.

You got a call. You got to find the original DA. My DA in 1987 is he's fucking punishing environmental people now for the feds. I don't even know if he's doing that. He might be selling girls how cookies at this fucking point without the bails and shit like that. So listen, my point is it's motherfucking Monday. We made it another week.

I'm fired to fuck up. I'm feeling good. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing whatever things ain't happening like I wanted to. Who gives a fuck? We're alive with smoking weed. I'm loving you motherfuckers. I'm loving what I'm doing.

And that's what this is all about. We forgot what this is all about. We got caught up in all the bullshit. People getting desensitized. I'm taking my meal. Who gives a fuck? I don't give a fuck what you do. I don't give a fuck when I do nothing wrong over here.

But if that's what you want to do, who gives a Frenchman's fuck? For two years, I lived at that shit. People making little fucking comments. Some fucking Jericho's making me fake. I don't even give a fuck. You know why? Because we're still standing like Elton John and Eddie fucking one. I think it was Eddie one.

That's one of my favorite Elton John songs. I'm still standing. That's all that matters. So for all these people that keep talking and their opinions and get them off and shut them up and cancel culture. Listen, every day I give thanks because I'm still fucking standing. And that's the Uncle Joey's joint for February 7th. This beautiful fucking Monday. Mike said he fixed the lights.

I don't look like Bellagosi anymore. And this motherfucker, I looked at myself. I looked like I had all plastic surgery. You know, these motherfuckers with the stretch faces and shit. But Uncle Joey's back. Koo koo koo chew. I just found it. You ever lose a vapor pen?

Like listen, I always lose my weed stuff for like two weeks and I don't sweat it. Like you lose like your wallet. You start sweating. That's fine. And I know it's in the car. I know it's in the desk. It's in the jacket. But I lost this like two weeks ago.

I didn't even tell nobody. I usually accuse somebody. Somebody stole my vapor pen. Nobody stole it. It's weed related. I got high putting this pocket. And I took the fucking jacket off. And I'm like, I guess I lost the thing.

Yeah, I think this is out of juice. I got to put a new filter in here or something. This was a good filter while it lasted fucking. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, let me get ahead of that. Yeah, I like these little. Listen, I'm not going to tell you this is going to blow your world. You're going to see purple lions and shit like that.

Just put it on here. I don't want to give you COVID again. What happened? Breathe in the air. I got to press anything. It's hard, right? Yeah, that's hard hitting fucking vapor pen on a Monday morning with Uncle Joey. If you ain't smoking, go fuck yourself.

We're back. I'm not quitting till I got the iPad. Like I used to tell Lee, if you stop by the fucking ice cream shop, I get asked for the rainbow ruts and the white truffle. I got like a little rainbow ruts, no white truffle. I got to give ice cream shop a Congo. It's my fucking white truffle. Let me tell you something.

Listen, the new cocoa batch is strong, which Mike had some. The new rainbow ruts is strong at 36 and that motherfucking white truffle. I smoked that like two months ago and my eyebrows jumped out of my fucking head. I'm loving this. I'm loving that we're having a good time on the fucking joint. I'm loving that I'm smoking dope again. I'm loving that I'm healthy and I'm loving that you motherfuckers are still here having a great time. Don't forget, it's Super Bowl week.

You got to lay into these motherfuckers. Call them right now. Where was I invited, Yola? If I see hummus, I'm shooting a motherfucker. You understand me? It's a great game. You got fucking Cincinnati playing the Rams, my old alma mater out there in California. It's going to be a hell of a week out there.

They beat somebody up already last week. There's going to be a lot of fucking muggins. They were charging 100 bucks to park two weeks ago in LA for the fucking playoff game. Jesus Christ, people at Thebes when people are down. This week I saw some guy was charging 4,200 bucks for a parking spot a mile from the stadium. So if you're going to the Super Bowl, you better fucking Vaseline that a-hole. Because they're taking your ass like those burglars took Charles Bronson's wife's asshole and death wish one and two. You know what I'm saying?

They're going to fuck you motherfuckers up. So don't be walking, mind your business. If you're going to LA this week, cancel now. Watch the game at home. Why are you going to put yourself through that? They even had an arm robbery at the fucking four seasons. So, you know, listen, if you're going out there, God bless you. I wouldn't fucking advise it.

Watch the game on your couch. I'm sure there's plenty of parties in your area. I even got like two people invited me to a little small fucking get together for whatever. I'm going to go bring a little vapor pen. Look at Uncle Joe. I look like John Lennon, the cover of Fucking Imagine. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great day.

Stay black and we'll be back Wednesday morning. Tip top. Magoo on the ninth, right? But he's the seventh. Wednesday's the ninth. All right. I love you motherfuckers. Stay black.

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Here we go. I love you, Cocksuckers. See you Wednesday, Tip Top Mugu. you