Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #137 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, February 9th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is brought to you by Onnit, CBD Lion & DraftKings���.. Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive 56/1 ODDS, that’s $280 in Free Bets when you Bet $5….   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. Check, one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? We're back for another fun-filled fucking episode with Uncle Joey on Wednesday, February the 9th. Super Bowl weekend, fucking people are losing their minds. Nobody knows who to bet. The line went back up to four and a half. Who gives a fuck? I'm just looking to have a great time.

Went a little fucking dope. You know, maybe Cleveland and the under. I don't fucking know. I don't know how to fuck. Cincinnati and the under. I don't fucking know, but I'm excited. Valentine's week, the whole fucking deal. You know, you should be fucking excited too.

Trim up, get your fucking girl card, some fucking disgusting chocolate, because that chocolate is fucking disgusting when you really look at it. You eat that shit. I just got a CVS thing that said, you know, you got like $15 off on one of those chocolate hearts and I'm like, dog, I remember when I used to

eat those motherfuckers by the dozen. Now you taste the chocolate and it tastes fucking old now to me. But anyway, who gives a Frenchman's fuck? Let's get the elephant out of the fucking room. You know what I'm saying? All week people want to hear from me. What do I know?

You know, I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. Rogue is my brother. That's all I know. Is he racist? No. I'm Cuban, slashed African, which makes me half fucking black

on some fucking levels. And I've never read it from him. My other buddies are Jewish. A bunch of, you know, listen, Rogue is not racist. And that's where it ends right there. Fuck it. Who gives a fuck if he is?

You know what I'm saying? You people are always, well, not you people, not the fucking joint people. You know, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. But lately it's just been a weird world and it's like I was telling my sister, let me tell you something, guys.

Did you fucking think when we used to get together in 2010 and 2011 and we were doing those podcasts, especially the one that I'm in and I'm sitting there high as a kite looking at the fucking ceiling

and then people like, oh, you got off camera. No, I didn't. I dropped a butter weed on the fucking floor. You know what I'm saying? You got to look for that motherfucker. It was in my hand and it rolled out when I was all fucking high looking up. But anyway, I'm not making excuses for anybody.

But what I'm trying to say is if you find any podcast from 2010, whether it's Joe, whether it's myself, whether it's Bert Kreischer, whether it's you're going to hear some things, that are going to bother you. Because nobody knew these podcasts were going to get big.

Nobody had a fucking idea that these podcasts were going to branch out into, you know, mainstream entertainment. We were just doing it to talk shit to see where it would go. And then it got a little serious. And after a while, we started cleaning up our act. Me, I'm not racist,

but I say a ton of racist shit. And you guys know that I'm not racist at all. And I'll tell you something, this time I said shit on the podcast and that weekend I've gone on the road. You know, I'll say something about Hindus or something about the brothers, myself or something about Chinese people.

When I get to a show, I'll see like three Chinese people and the whole ten-second walk to them is what are they going to say to me, you know, for insulting them or whatever. Not once. Not once has any race come up to me and said, hey man, I dig what you say on the podcast,

except when you talk about Hindus or Arabs or Hamas. So everybody understands, and when I talk, I talk from love. Always remember, it's not what you say. It's how you say it. Even on the Rogan fucking thing, when he kept saying the n-word,

when he kept saying it over and over again, you didn't know. You know, you could see if he was using it against somebody or he was hurting somebody's feelings, but you could tell. You could just tell. That's why they deleted everything

that led up to that. So, listen guys, it's so weird, the assumptions that people make. You know, I told you guys about a year ago, a friend of mine sent me like six pages of emails that he had gotten from some fucking

one of those chats about the conspiracies on why Rogan and I left Hollywood. Read it or something. Did you see that one about that there was a rape at the comedy store? Now guys, I had never even

heard of this shit. When my buddy sent me this, I was like, oh my god, this is so fucking bad. And listen, I wasn't mad at anybody. I never attacked anybody. I never came on here and said, fuck you for saying those things. What I said as I was reading it was,

I feel bad. I feel bad that when we started doing this, it was just a fucking joke. It was just something at the past time. We didn't know it was going to turn into something now. It's like people are making just the wrong narrative.

People are creating the wrong, not assumptions, but they're just giving us a background that we never knew we had. I never knew that there was a bunch of rape girls at the comedy store that were looking to pressure. I never even heard of that.

I was a member of the comedy store for 23 fucking years. People are going to say shit. You take whatever. But again, when I read those pages, those three pages, four pages, I felt bad for people. I really did in my heart.

I was like, man, this is what they wrap their heads around all day long is somebody they don't know. I haven't done that since I was like 10. You know what I'm saying? When you're a fan of a band or something, you're like, oh, I wonder how we feel.

It's like when a singer's dog, did you see a, what was the fucking movie? Marky Wolberg with Jennifer Aniston. When he joins the fucking band, the guy was gay and he fills in for the singer. It was like a Judas Priest ripoff.

Oh, whatever. I forgot what I was going to say about Marky Wolberg. Rockstar. Yeah. That's a great fucking movie. But in Rockstar, that was like, I forgot what I was going to make a point about the dog. Rockstar.

Who the fuck knows, you know, I'm just thinking that it has to change at some fucking levels. You know, when we were starting the podcast, I still get you're not going to believe this, guys. I said this was,

I said this story in August of 2010 and then we did a show with Felicia and I with Beauty and the Beast 10, 10, 2010 and that's the first time I realized I could sell tickets.

You know, it's so fucking weird. For years I did Law and Order SVU the longest yard analyze that. You know, I did so many things. You know, my name is zero and I'm just telling you these from

when I would do comedy shows, people come up to me after the show. This is way before the podcast and go, hey, we enjoyed you in the longest yard and we liked you and signed up in Spider-Man 2 or we liked you and fucking my name is Earl.

So we came down to that. But that would be four people. Like if I did five shows and a weekend in some place, I'd get like 10 people who said they saw me on this or they saw me on that, but it never really brought people in.

I was, you know, when I got out of comedy in 2009, 2008 and a half I gave it like a three or four month break. I was done because nothing I could do could make me sell tickets.

My material wasn't catchy enough. I wasn't cool or hip. You know what I'm saying? I didn't have like a hat or an earring or a goatee. You know, to, you know, always have like a hoodie on like I'm cold even though it's 90 degrees or me smoking a cigarette

taking a picture with a cigarette. I was never that cool guy. So I didn't have a hook. People wouldn't come see me. It was just that. So when I got out of stand-up, I had been doing stand-up already and like not got out of it. When I just gave it a breather

to think about what I was going to do next I had gotten married and I was living in the valley. I lived around the corner from a fucking car dealer. My wife was working. I was like money and I'm like, what do I want to keep doing? I could go on the road with Rogan. I could do this.

I could do that. I just wanted to cover my ass. I wasn't looking to get rich. I just wanted to be happy and see what the fuck was available to me. And, you know, we would go on the road. I would go on the road with Rogan and Red Band. These motherfuckers would do these weird podcasts at night.

I didn't know, listen, nobody knew where these things were going to end up. Nobody, you know, it's like they did Shane Gillis and they found the podcast in 2012 when he said some Asian derogative word or whatever. I have no idea what he said.

I never knew Shane Gillis was. I know he's a nice fucking guy from what I heard Ari loves him, but I never even knew who Shane was. Pardon me because I was in LA. I didn't know him as a New York fucking comic or anything. He said something on a podcast.

Again, I'm sure all these guys didn't know we were stoned. I mean, I was just fucking stoned. I was in the heat of it in LA between the weed stores and we didn't fucking know. I didn't know what the podcast was going to lead to,

where it was going to go. Nobody did. Nobody fucking did, you know. And now we have a million fucking podcasts, but back to the story. I didn't know what to do about not selling tickets. I had no fucking idea. And one of the things that I still get,

I swear to God, guys, 10, 12 years later, once a week, somebody sends an email to my fucking messenger or something, and it's hate mail about the story of us, you know,

taking the hookers' wig and lighting it on fire. I mean, people will fucking still be hot at that. That's a couple stories. I told I was like, people are never going to forgive me for this story, but they moved on with it. They knew it was me back then.

The same thing as the hooker story. This is me back then. If you guys listen to anything about me, I'm not a big hooker guy. I'm not a big... Listen, I went to the 1040 club one time. The girl's pussy scared the shit out of me. I'm scared of ED.

I went to a clinic one time with a friend of mine. He had some type of shit coming out of his dick, and I just went for moral support. Whatever the fuck you call that shit. And while we were sitting there at the fucking VD clinic, some guy came out with like fucking herpes.

Guys, I don't know what it was. Don't throw me to the fucking gay wolves. I don't know what it was. In fact, I don't even know if this guy was gay. Let's just leave it at that. He looked a little weird. He looked a little peculiar. His skin didn't look well. And he had like

a rash around his mouth. And I remember he was just sitting there with this rash. I'm sitting with my buddy and I'm thinking about the VD in his dick and I'm thinking about all these other people who got venereal diseases. And I'm like, you know what? I like pussy and I like titties and shit,

but it ain't worth getting a venereal disease. I can't even imagine coming in here to a doctor and telling them I got fucking custard coming out of my dick. I can't even fucking imagine. I can't even imagine what it smells like. I can't even imagine what it feels. And then years later, when I got to comedy,

I fingered an Indian girl up in the Dakotas somewhere. No, no, Idaho. I was dancing with some American Indian girl and we were dancing up close and tight and I fingered and I smelled something funky in the air. And she had a yeast infection. I didn't know if I got home.

But that's a complete different fucking time. But all those stories have led to me in all those disgusting Puerto Rican Nelson stories. When we were kids, we'd sit around and listen to them talk. And at the end of all those stories, it was always how he had gotten VD

or he had gotten crabs or he had gotten syphilis. So from listening to all that as a kid, it went into my psyche and I just immediately did not like that whole world. To this day, I'm not into that whole world. Listen, I love a woman's body just like the fucking next guy.

But it makes me feel creepy to go to a fucking strip club. Especially now at my age, I go to a strip club. People like Joey, what are you a fucking dirty old man? Yeah, but not really. Like I'm not a dirty old man. I don't look at other women like that anymore.

I know what I have to offer, which is zelch. My dick works on a 50% basis. I got to drop a blue shoe on it to make it fucking stick. You know what I'm saying? So I'm not going to waste anybody's time and I'm not going to go through the embarrassment because I didn't dig strip clubs when I was young.

I did. I like strip clubs, but I want to do everything. You know what I'm saying? When I go to a strip club, if you come up and paste these on your tits, what am I, 13? Do I got a hat? What a propeller on my fucking head. What do I need this for? I want to see everything. I want to see pussy shots, clits.

If you could smoke a cigarette with your pussy, I'll throw you the small fin or the ten dollars. You know, I'm into all that craziness. But that doesn't happen no more if you did go to one of those, go into one of those places where you have to wear a mask. That's it. It's over. There's no more fucking mask. It's over.

March 7th in Jersey, the kids don't have to wear masks no more. It's over. But, you know, I was never intending that shit. Like my wife says, she goes, you are the dirtiest talking prude I've ever met in my life. My wife always says it to me. You're just a dirty

talking fucking prude, you know, and you talk dirty to over compensate for your fucking prudeness. I'm not really a prude. I just don't want to see a lot of shit. You know, I'm not a playboy bunny type of guy, even though I like pussy. I'm not a porno type of guy.

I like pussy. You know, listen, I'm not whatever the fuck you call it. I love pussy. But that was never my thing, you know, and as a kid, I guess, you know, I want to experiment with a hooker at least one time. You know, when you're

a kid, you hear all these fucking stories from your, from older kids and you know, they'll tell you they got a hooker in Vegas or something. You're like, ah, that sounds like something I want to do until I did it. When I fucking did that shit, it was not enjoyable to me.

It was, to me, it was a horrible experience. You know, I remember going into Spanish Harlem one time, or as they call it, the barrio with a buddy of mine, two buddies of mine, we went to the cop and we were going to cop, but we didn't want him to know we were going to cop.

We could cop without him knowing that we were doing drugs. This kid was straightening us. He just drove over the city and I'll never forget, we were walking up the stairs and he goes, again, why are we in this fucking building in Harlem? And I go, because we're going to fuck some women, alright? And he looked at me and he goes, what?

Make love to a strange woman? And that's how I felt, like it was all fun and games until I was at the 1040 Club and the girl walked up to me and had to grab. My friends, like, take her. And I'll never forget, like, yeah, I was hot and sticky until we walked into the back and

she took her stockings off and then I saw the stab wounds at that tools, the fucking cuts, the burn marks, it was fucking horrible. And as much as I was a man and I wanted to get that pussy, I wanted to run out of there with all my fucking heart guys.

And she sat me down, you know, I had already paid and she talked me into it. I felt like fucking crying. But what was I going to do? I was already there. She got on top of me and when she started moving the hips, I had never had a girl be on top of me. I'm not going to lie to nobody. That alone

put me in the fucking state of confusion. But when she started moving the hips, I had a condom on and I could feel my dick against her pussy going ah, ah, ah, ah, and every time I heard, ah, ah, I got a little more sick in my stomach. I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, I'm like, what the fuck?

When is this going to end? I didn't know anything about coming early. I didn't know about premature ejaculation. I didn't know none of that shit. I was just a young fucking kid and then she stopped and I'm like focusing on God. I'm like, please, you know, don't fucking send me to hell because I was still

Catholic back then. Well, I was on the border line back then and fucking next you know, she stops and she goes for an exit $10, you could eat my pussy. Guys, I didn't know what I did. I was like, what? And I just threw the fuck off me and guys I was never so embarrassed.

Those four guys that took me to three other guys I went to, I remember for days I was telling them at the school, don't say nothing to nobody about that. That's a horrible experience. All my friends found that, but eventually it blew over, but I always kept it close to my fucking heart. I don't ever want to be with a

fucking hooker. I don't like talking to him, nothing. I mean, listen, they talk to me in a casino. It's always a mess. I think the last casino I stayed out in Vegas, not the not that drop it can't not the not Treasure Island and not where I used to

work at South Point. But one of the hotels I went last time I was there for a UFC. I was with Joe and I'm believing at 5 30 in the morning from the hotel and what I saw was fucking it was like land of the living dead focus.

They were all over the place. Half of them have been shot. Their skirts were fucking messy. It was just ugly and I'm and they're looking for a date and I'm out there going to who the fuck would take one of these women up to that bed. I mean, again, I got nothing against

women. I got nothing against dirty women. You know, I love you to all my heart. A girl with a little dirt on her heels never killed nobody. I'm all in but that magnitude of cock has always turned me to fuck off when a woman's got a magnitude to move the fuck on. It's never been for me.

So when I was a kid, I said I was done. When I was 17 I knew I didn't want to be with a hooker. I was going to save myself for the right fucking girl. Hold on one second. Everyone's so lost. I feel something in there. I hate fucking nose in

my ass. Thank God. Oh my God, I just I just hit a snot on the side of the wall. This welcome to the manscape fucking weed whack. Tremendous. Ooh, ooh, I love it. It smells funny too.

I hate them when it has a little whang like I was trimming my asshole with something like that. It does have a little whang to it. So I hated all that shit. Now I had friends that were fucking animals. I had one friend in particular who God rest his soul.

I fucking missed this motherfucker. You know, I mean without even knowing the other day I was doing something and I had to put the date on a piece of paper for something and I looked at the paper a little later on. I'm like fuck. It's

2022 like every once in a while you just repeat the numbers. You know, every day I repeat the date to confirm it in my head. I'm like it's 2000 fucking 22. Holy shit. I did the fucking math. I don't know if you guys know

this or not. I just remembered it. I don't think you guys know it because if I just fucking remembered it this is 40 years from me graduating high school this year which in reality I never really graduated high school.

I was a couple credits short but it's 40 fucking years guys. And I know half years have been out of high school for maybe 10 or 15 years. You don't even think about it. Well the first time you think about high school

it's 10 years after you get out of there. Like one day it just dawns on you. One of your friends called you. You're going to a 10 year reunion and you're like what? What the fuck are you talking about? 10 year. Oh my god it has been fucking 10 years. Obviously

nobody fucking called me for the 10 year reunion in 92. I was off the fucking ropes then I was back here in 93 and people like you didn't go to a 10 year reunion and nobody told me about it and I wouldn't have come anyway. I was never really a big

you know guy like into that shit. Then the 20 year reunion for me would have been 2002 and I was like wow. The thing that saved me was like booked the longest yard in 2004 and I was like alright now I can go to the reunion because nobody wants to go

to their reunion or fucking lose it especially 20 year reunion everybody goes there flashing. It's like the night after they robbed the fucking thing on Goodfellas remember Morty everybody's got that good clothes on and shit yeah you got your good clothes on you got your jewelry on you know so

I somebody mentioned the 20 year anniversary tell me but by that time I was in LA I was rocking and rolling you know not rocking and rolling but I was on the move

I was established and I was fucking hitting it as hard as I could for the 30 fucking year anniversary I don't even remember the 30 anniversary or the 25 I just basically remember fucking just the 40 year anniversary

of my high school and I got to tell you something if I go back to February 9th of 80 fucking two 82 just saying 82 makes me feel fucking old and you know you

think 82 that just happened a couple years ago no it didn't Joey it was 40 fucking years ago 40 fucking years ago do you know what I was doing 40 years ago at that time not sitting in front of a camera with

white fucking head talking about my life I'll tell you that much I was out by this time I quit high school I was done with high school I had taken mass back century

to court because we're not really court like we fought them it was a union thing so mass back century was paying me fucking huge dough not to go to work here I am 18 fucking years old and I'm collecting money from fucking mass back

century but here's what gets better I was also collecting unemployment because I didn't give a fuck people like you're gonna get caught they're gonna catch you and make you pay it back these bitches were paying me 450 fucking dollars or 400 a week and they would give you

cash that's when you went to unemployment and right then and there you signed your check and they gave you a little envelope with fucking cash I was getting 600 I was getting whatever the fuck I was getting 400 a week that's 1600 a month

I was probably picking up 3000 a month from mass back hard with a century and I was hustling with three fucking legs you understand me I'm gonna forget like I was quiet that year I was living with the runnies

and every day like I refused to go to fucking work Mr. runny would be furious like you guys got to get jobs like we're not we're not doing nothing we're hustling I'm paying rent we're fucking hustling what do you want and for some reason I was always friends

with a kid named Roger license grammar school and he we started hanging out like maybe October of 81 and we also had this kid Fernie that I love him with all my heart he's still alive and kicking but

he won't talk to any of us he's gone I went on his facebook page the other day and I couldn't when I realized that in 40 years you know I went on his facebook page just to see how he was doing he's still posting pictures up a Marilyn Monroe every fucking day that's all he posts

a new picture of Marilyn Monroe every day with one of her sayings it's not good he's got HIV he's not right but he was my best friend I love him I always love him I always have a place on my table if he comes in then there's my man stinky

my man Glenn I saw him a few I saw him for dinner twice we have gone out for dinner twice since I've been here but we were a fucking team and at that point we were breathing for one another I don't know if you guys know what that means

that means if one of us don't have it the other one did and there's there's no fucking tab I had found my little fucking three buddies and we were tired and fucked I lived with Mike Ronnie and I was tight with him I was tight with this kid

Rago who's also gone I was tight with the Birkles I was tight with like 20 fucking dudes but my immediate fucking hangout crew the four dudes I hung out with listen we started a fucking reign of terror that January

and it didn't stop it didn't end till probably 80 fucking four like we were just on a tear we were inseparable and it all started with that period of us every other week I was bumping into a scam

I guys it's from delivering refrigerators I got there one day and there was fucking 20 air conditioners and I stole every single one of them to robin a pool you know one of those fucking public pools when they have hamburgers and shit in there

we robbed all that stuff I mean that summer I had kids that were older than me telling me to call them to let us know what we were doing that night because we were causing so much fucking havoc in my hometown the cops couldn't catch up

with us nobody could catch up with us you know I was telling people about the city how much it's changed you know New York City there was a house across the street from the runnies and I would sit there every day in 82 in the afternoons and looms would come by

and the Tabascos lived next door and who wasn't fucking walking home from high school and who wasn't driving by to go get weed at Kurt's house or Bonehead's house that was the street where I lived at so there was a ton of fucking action and one day I'm looking at this house

I'm like this motherfucker only comes in at night that's it like he leaves at like 6 in the morning I've never seen the guy across the street in the daytime but some nights when we're sitting on the balcony like 10 1030 I see him come home

he's just a regular white dude nice fucking car and I was sitting there and I'm like I'm not doing right now maybe I should burglarize this house guys I went behind that fucking house they had like a little window to the downstairs

nobody could fit in that motherfucker I was so skinny at the time I fit in that motherfucker I popped the window and went down and I don't think there was much money in the house there was not much anything but I took the phone I took some blankets I took some albums don't ask me why

but the most important thing I took out of there was there was a night stand I couldn't open the night stand so in my day when you couldn't fucking pop a safe no problem just take it to go

you know what I'm saying and you could fucking bring it to a safe guy who could torch it open or you know you have a different variety of ways with this fucking night stand I'm like what am I gonna do with this fucking night stand so I made like two trips back and forth

across the street not one soul saw me and then I carried over the night stand the night stand was I don't know it wasn't that heavy maybe it was but it had a thick fucking piece of glass on the top like a big

piece of glass maybe a little bigger than one of my albums so I didn't realize it until I brought the fucking over we broke in it there was maybe a couple hundred dollars so a few naked pictures of him and his wife I think nothing I was not going to order my Tommy Lee's guy I'm in a black male I

didn't give a fuck I didn't want to see him his wife naked or him naked so you know we kept the table we kept everything else that I robbed we had refurnished this little downstairs apartment like Ronnie had so one night my friends like hey you

want to go out and I'm like fuck yeah we're going out tonight and like you got to bring something to cut the coke with and I go I got it so I brought that glass up guys this glass was an inch fucking thick all the way around I mean it was heavy it was a fucking heavy

piece of glass so I bring it with me Pelican Ferney and my man Glenn and we would bring this glass with us everywhere and let me tell you how fucking crazy we're just so you guys know at night we would put coke on the glass

and put it on the hood of the car and sit outside the car and just talk with people and people would walk by and they would never see that fucking piece of glass with fucking coke on it they would never see it and we would die a laughter

so one night when the AMP parking lot there was an AMP shopping center across the street from Hudson County fucking parking and me and my buddies are sitting there's four gorillas we got the mirror out on the fucking hood it's dark so you really

can't see us where we're at there's lights in the parking lot but we're sitting there's no real lights you can tell with that but you can't see what's on the fucking hood of the car so we're sitting there going back and forth blah blah whatever yelling listening to music and all of a sudden

we see a guy walking and there was a ton of people that night walking back and forth we see a guy walking he notices us so he comes walking over to us hey how you guys doing now we could have been douchebags we could have told the guy get the fuck out of here but nah we're like hey how you doing buddy

and he comes over nothing man do I know you guys I'm just talking to him we're looking at each other like wink and we're like let's fuck with this guy so we start hey man what's going on after about ten minutes the guy's drinking he's getting comfortable

and I start in with listen man I don't know if you guys know this you know don't judge us by the fucking cover but we're all gay and the guy's like you're gay what are you talking about you're gay we like to swing brother

are you into swinging and he's like I don't think so I'm not really into this he's like what are you talking about everybody fucking swings you know suck dick the guy's like what are you what are you guys talking about

listen we're dick suckers professional we're 18 years old the guy's maybe 24 he's looking at us all weird and shit like what are you guys talking about we're professional dick suckers as a matter of fact

and I think I speak for all of us we want to suck your dick but the guy's like really I'm like all of us will suck your dick we'll light your balls on fire we'll suck your dick with an ice cube whatever you want

your fucking your wish is our command and this guy starts looking at us he's looking at us weird all of a sudden this guy suddenly goes in his head he just starts running he goes fuck you and he just starts running

and he's like fuck you motherfucking faggots I can't believe it as he's running with our luck we're starting to laugh and all of a sudden we see a cop car go by this fucking guy starts chasing the cop car yo yo

I'm getting attacked by a bunch of faggots you gotta help me we're not even chasing the fucking guy we're in the back laughing but we're not laughing now we're like this cop's not gonna stop sure enough the cop stops gets out of the car puts a flashlight in this guy's face

and he's going off those guys over there they want to suck my dick you gotta go over there and talk to them and shit we're like oh fuck we thought the cop wasn't gonna turn around sure enough the fucking cop makes that you turn and heads into that fucking

A&P parking lot and we're like fuck so my buddy Roger got arrested so he doesn't know what to do he gets in the car and he fucking takes off and we're like Roger Roger

we can't say the coke is on the hood and we're like the hood the hood and he's looking at us going what and finally we go the hood and he goes what and he fucking steps on the brake and the glass slides

right off the front of his fucking car and it smashes onto the concrete now remember there's no cars in this parking lot usually it takes 75-80 cars it's half the size of a football field and we're trapped in between like trees

hair cut in place or whatever the fuck is there in the A&P war so there's a big thing when this fucking glass hits the concrete it just goes bam like a shotgun went off you just be like boom

and we're like oh no now the cop is fucking really looking around the little gay guys running towards us you guys are gonna go to jail and all this shit fuck you that's what you get for being gay and we're like oh my god this cannot... I go Roger get the fuck out of the car

and drive over the glass just drive over you're not gonna get a flat tire he goes okay finally the cop comes back there he fucking reads the the fucking the bumper

whatever the numbers are on the bumper and I don't know call them into the station whatever the fuck he was doing he puts his hat on he gets out of the car he's not a North Bergen cop or a Jersey City cop

or Union City cop or West New York cop this motherfucker is a Hudson County police cop they're in charge of the park basically they're in charge of the parks and I don't know what else what their jurisdiction is like what the fuck is going on

can somebody please tell me officer nothing he goes I'm hearing booms I'm hearing fucking I'm seeing cars and now I got this nitwit telling me you guys don't want to rape him and all this shit is this true

nobody said nothing about rape we were just busting his balls we were having a couple beers officer and he came over and started talking to us about being gay he goes like listen I don't care who's gay I don't care who's not gay

I don't need this the guy's telling us this because I don't need this at all and I'm like what are you talking about he's like I don't need this I'm off in 15 minutes if I gotta arrest him or you guys that means I got two hours of fucking paperwork

and I'm gonna be pissed off and I'm gonna break all your fucking heads so do me a favor listen this guy's balls if you want wait till I leave wait about 20 minutes take him in the park and kill him I don't give a fuck what you do with him

this is what a cop is telling us and we're like what and he's like I don't want you doing this out here or in my jurisdiction while I'm on fucking duty he goes tomorrow I'll come on at 9 o'clock whatever time he came on and he goes I'll see it in the report that you guys took him in the park and stabbed him

but don't do it when I'm a fucking I'm on duty and we're like and the guy is running to us going arrest him arrest him throw him in fucking jail and we're like we're not going to jail cocksucker we're giving you five minutes to start running or we're gonna hunt you down in that fucking park the guy jumped the fence

went to Hudson County Park and we never fucking saw that guy again that's what we were doing to people by I mean we were fucking dying another night we were at Bathmark getting beer because we were too young to buy beer so we'd have to go and hang out outside supermarkets and trade people like a fucking

a joint there was no blunts back then or nothing nobody was smoking blunts back then in 82 we'd have to give people fucking beer you know a dollar ten dollars or a joint or two joints or a nickel bag to go on and get his cocktails what time we're hanging out in front of fucking Bathmark

I don't know if you a lot of you guys don't remember this but one of the first podcast guests I had was a kid by the name of Danny Calendrillo fucking all state all American led the country in scoring when he was like a sophomore at Seton Hall

look it up if you want Danny Calendrillo came from a real complex family there were like nine or ten of them I don't know exactly what the count was but he had a sister that I knew that was really cute that worked at the high school and he also had a brother

that his name was Paul Land he was in Spring Break in the movie The I Don't Make It if you guys want to check it out I mean he kind of inspired me to be honest with you it was Paul Land who let me know that maybe I could go to Hollywood and do something with my life

I wasn't sure I mean he didn't pull me aside and tell me this but from me talking with him and playing basketball with him and his brother I would always ask him creepy questions about how'd you get the movie and he would tell me but I didn't know where the fuck he was coming from

I didn't know what a casting director was I didn't know what a fucking agent was or whatever but he was a good guy and I could see you know again he made me at least he gave me hope

that somebody from Hudson County you know I had him I had Michael Coran, I had Sinatra you know I had a couple of nice influences but it was Paul Land really since I knew him and I spoke to him his name was Callan Drillo when he got to Hollywood I guess he changed it

to Land, Callan Drillo it's too hard to remember but I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about oh so we're talking about this fucking you know North Bergen and

what we were doing our fucking scene a year you know but without it fucking Pathmark we had just gotten some booze and we're sitting out there minding our own business one of the other brothers Callan Drillo had was a guy who was homeless

he had mental health issues which I found out later in 1982 when you saw somebody who was homeless you just thought they were crazy it wasn't even called mental health issues you thought he was crazy you thought he was a bum, whatever

I always gave Bobby Cal a couple bucks when I saw him when I was a kid he would always ask me for a cigarette or a joint I didn't smoke but I would buy him a pack of cigarettes because his brother well Paul Land gave me hope and Danny was a great basketball

player and he was always good to us he's a teacher back in high school now I was thinking of going up there and seeing him when I had some time and thanking him for what he did for me one of the way he called the podcast in the beginning and it was a great conversation but

we contacted him and I think Danny was a little mad at me because I told the story on the podcast weeks later by this brother we were at Pathmark having a great time now Bobby Cal would always show up when you least expect it

like you could be at the fucking Hudson County park and all of a sudden you would hear like shh shh shh and that means he's fucking walking towards you because he had like a limp and he would drag the other foot in the leaves

do you hear it in my impersonation shh so he's dragging leaves with the bum leg he would always you know we talked to him Bobby Cal what's going on we would give him a beer, smoked some pot with him give him a few joints so I wasn't his enemy anything

this one day we're at fucking Pathmark on Tunnelly Avenue down there on 763 we're minding our business we're on the side we get things called Lickermart and Pathmark Lickermart was fucking huge I think it's still there I don't know if it's called Lickermart

but Lickermart was huge at Case of B I tried to get a job there once they wouldn't hire me they knew I had sticky fingers so fucking I'm outside talking to Bobby Cal it's me, Stinky, Ferns Pelican and we're just talking to him like

and all of a sudden one of the guys looks at me he's like you know let's start torturing this motherfucker what are we doing just hanging out here so we start talking to him Bobby Cal he's so dick he's like nah nah nah nah I don't do that shit

we keep busting balls like Bobby you taking the ass now why are you guys bringing this at me inquiring minds you want to know brother you know we're just going back and forth and one thing leads to another and I see a newspaper on the floor like just a

like you know a newspaper has sections this had like sections I wrap up the fucking newspaper and without him seeing me I put it in his back pocket now he's got a, he's got overalls on he's got like he's living in the park he's got his costume on and on top of that

he's got like overalls on like mechanic overalls so we put it in his pockets it's a little bigger I put the piece of paper in his pocket and after about three minutes of talking to him I slip behind him real softly before he could even see me

and I light the piece of paper on fire now he's talking to us the way I'm talking to this camera and it's like you know we're all like one, two, three, four when they're talking I'm Bobby Cal and all of a sudden you could see the smoke

starting to come over his right shoulder and we're fucking dying we're like this is not happening he's sending smoke signals over his right shoulder and then with that the next move was you could see flames every couple minutes that was not good

but he couldn't feel the flames because he had the overalls on do you understand me so he was already burning into the overalls he just couldn't fucking feel it and listen guys, I'm 58 I knew I was fucking up but when you're fucking 18

it's just another day of a joke a lot of people are going to watch this and go what the fuck Joey you're lighting people on fire is too no we were kids, we were joking around this is all part of growing up and all of a sudden we see like every two minutes you see a little flame pop up and shit

we're like when is this egg going to catch on fire and finally we're about to tell Bobby Cal Bobby you're on fire and he's like what the fuck is going on why do I smell fire and he turns around, he keeps turning but the paper is now dropping on the floor so there probably has to be

like fucking six little fires going on around them and he's like who the fuck let me on fire whatever and he turns back and his fucking sleeve is going up on fire and we tackle him to the floor and we got to hit him with like

a half a beer and we got to like somebody took off this shirt and we had to put him off in flames and I'm no forget and he's like should I call the police I'm like nah why are you going to call the police Bobby somebody threw a match at you as they were driving by I mean he didn't even know it was us

but I still remember talking to him for a couple minutes and smoke was just coming out of his clothes like the Inspector Cluzo in fucking Return of the Pink Panther the reason why I remember it was on the other night and I saw him when he's smoking and he says you know you got to have balls he had this shit underneath but that's not important

that was the name of the costume balls the great balls so we lit this motherfucking on fire we got him out and I was sitting we're sitting there talking to him as he's like who would put me on fire and you could see smoke coming from his fucking outfit

like we don't know but that was just that was every time we went out and this shit would get out you know this shit would just get out and people go tell me then like and this was way before I lit the bum on fire on Shray the behind Ralphie Mays house

this is fucking a long long time ago but all these things like now nobody brings them up only the kids that I grew up with like when I seen Glenn last time we talked about a couple things and we were fucking dying

listen we were young we were stupid but one thing I do not apologize back then is that we had the biggest balls of fucking life when I think about some of the shit we were doing at that age

oh my god just oh my god you know I look at Mercy I'm like she's fucking nine she's nine years away from doing I remember years ago I was in Seattle and

I was with this guy who was a nice guy not the funniest comic in the world but a great guy I listen I never even really liked the guy now in hindsight thinking about it this conversation you know bothers me because

I think about him we went to do a gig together and I was talking about you know how life was in Jersey he's from Indiana this guy and I was talking about how life was in Jersey when we were growing up that you know business owners would make payoffs

and you know we were just having a little talk but I guess the next night at the comedy club when I got back he wanted to be a wise ass in front of people and like wanted to throw it in my face I think it was me him and Josh Wolf in the car and we were trying to explain

you know payoffs and Boston just police shit just talking about you know nonsense about like you know we were talking he was saying that he snapped at one point

he's like I can't keep listening to this this is not the way Americans live most people don't make payoffs for the police most people are decent people like fuck you I felt like Rodney

Rodney Dangerfield back to school when you're sitting there you're experienced as a man and this teacher is telling you what are you going to do about cool Rodney was like a millionaire for business course if you've never seen the movie

in high school and college he's taking a business course in college and this guy's telling him about all his costs and shit and this guy's like what are you talking about what about the mafia they control fucking but people were straight laced to understand that world and they don't want to know it believes

that's what happens today with people they don't want to know it believes or it exists or they want to put it down but he said something that actually hurt my feelings in a way he was like I don't understand it's all a bunch of criminals this is what listen guys it's not that we're criminals not that we're a piece of shit

it's not that I don't pay all fucking cops one was the last time he turned me paying off cops what we did as young kids will follow us forever there's nothing you could do to shake it whether you broke a window whether you robbed the fucking

hubcap from somebody it's done there's nothing you could do to fucking change that you could just become a better fucking person that's all you could do it's not that we're bad people you know I was never a fucking thief

before I moved to Jersey okay I'm not blaming my thievery on New Jersey but I'm saying that when I was a kid I was such a little faggy Catholic the only thing I took was a couple quarters from my mother at the bar and dog I remember these quarters because I felt fucking guilty about them

when you're a Cuban kid your mother tells you if you steal from your mother or you raise your hand to your mother when you're in the casket when you die your hand pops up at the fucking funeral when you're now at 58 I don't give a fuck if my hand pops up I'm dead what do I give a fuck

what are you gonna have opinion of me he robbed from his mother he thought no that shit doesn't even fucking happen I mean it does happen if they don't pull enough for a mile to hide in you know all that shit after two or three days body parts start fucking moving they're not just gonna bend your leg and put it in the casket

they actually gotta break your fucking kneecap I forget what it's called rigor mortis correct rigor mortis that's it so as a child I never even thought of fucking taking nothing I really never did I I mean as a kid we took

fruit from a fruit sand but I never I would go home and feel fucking terrible for weeks it wasn't until I got to Jersey that we started out with stealing punks again punks are not anybody's property

punks are in the swamps you know you steal them and you light them on fire keep some mosquitoes away that's what they say who the fuck knows but that's what we were doing and then we went on to the trains again it wasn't a friend of ours

I never really fucking thought about it it wasn't until my mother died and I was angry at the world and I wanted to take it on the world so I fucking robbed I started stealing but before my mother died that wasn't even in my world

and just to let you know that I'm not a fucking thief yeah I haven't stole a lighter from a 7-Eleven in maybe 10 years because they don't give you the opportunity anymore they don't put them out in the front anymore but if they still put the lighters out I would probably shop with the lighter once a year

just to check in with my old self like I always said you gotta check in on your skeletons in the closet before they fucking check in on you so but I'm not a fucking thief if I was still stealing then you would have gone Joey's a fucking stone cold thief

I stole because it was my way of getting back at the world when you were a kid and they break your fucking belief system that's all I had and thinking back I mean I hated them when I was a thief there's friends that I have back here

that I can't touch in with them or anything because in some way directly or indirectly my thievery affected them whether it was a friend a neighbor themselves I really regret that I can't regret selling drugs

you can't take the fucking drugs back I can't regret half the fucking I could regret half the shit I did there's nothing I could do about it I could repay the people or make amends with them or whatever you ever try making amends with somebody you rub from

they don't want to talk to you especially when it was so fucking long ago and that's the story we're getting to is at the end I think of all these things I did when I should have just been paying attention and doing homework

we were out we were already men and hung out with, yeah, they were in high school but we were men they weren't getting no money from their mothers or anything their parents were working stiffs you know, we were getting money we were paying for our drugs

our drug habit with the money we were stealing or better yet I was stealing and would use them to be my lookouts or whatever and I'm not proud of that either none of those three kids with thieves never wanted to be kids

they were fucking hard workers so my stealing influenced a lot of people in the wrong way like I said, I've lost a lot of friends because of it especially here in Jersey from my childhood bullshit but at the same time

stealing is bad and stealing is good but sometimes you gotta catch a break from time to time to let you know you're gonna be alright I always think about how I was always scared

I was always scared of going to jail I was always scared of getting arrested you know, I look at my daughter and my daughter's biggest fear in the world is going to the principal's office that's her biggest fear in the world if my daughter ever got sent to the principal's office

she would have a nervous breakdown because in her eyes it means the worst person in the world it's my daughter she's fucking nine, she's a kid she doesn't know better but for me I think the worst thing in the world

the worst feeling in the world was not when I was a kid I hadn't caught a break since 1979, since my mother died again, I'm not feeling sorry for myself I'm not saying anything in a weird way

but I didn't catch a break for years 1982 was the first time before my mother died I was really making strides with meeting people I was popular and shit then I became popular

from my mother died and that's a horrible thing to have when you're in deep conversation with somebody and somebody tells you that they had a talk with Michael and they were at Michael's house eating and Michael's parents were saying how they felt bad for me and my mother died, I fucking hated that

I fucking hated the feeling that people felt bad for me because my mother died so what I did was I wanted to start a new channel I didn't want people to be fucking sad for me I wanted people to know I was alive

so at the end of 1982, not even the end the end of the summer of 1982 that summer, I mean the word was getting out yeah Cocoa Rob's drug dealers he steals whatever from time to time but

in 1982 I loved DraftKings I was talking to somebody about this I think Jimmy had to gym the thing I like about DraftKings is you really can't get in trouble with gambling unless you're a fucking retard DraftKings, when I call Mike

Mike is my bookie, I'll call Mike on a Monday or Mike, I want to bet the Knicks tonight and Mike will go okay, what's the line? how much you want to bet on them? the line is 7, I think last night but I would have fucked the Mormons what's the

where the Mormons play? Wise guys, Utah Jazz were playing the Knicks last night they were giving them 7 points what if I liked Utah last night I was making 200 a week as an electricians helper and I call Mike this weekend is Valentine's Day weekend

I want to take my girl for now I want to get my dick sucked I want to take her out for dinner I want to have a grandma blowing you know what, when we think about it why don't we get a limousine for $1.50 even though I only make 200 a week so I decide to call Mike up

and bet heavy with Mike all fucking week I bet heavy with Mike all week the first night I lose 110 bucks I lose the game and the $10 big that means Tuesday I gotta catch up again so I'll put a $50 bet so I can get it down to $55 but guess what

it loses that night so now I'm down one fucking $165 so Wednesday I call in for another 100 Thursday for another 100 now I got myself down $400 something that doesn't look like Mike's getting his dough I'm in trouble

I overextended myself I went over my head with DraftKings they won't take they only take money straight from the bank account so if you put $500 in your books or $300 in your books or $200 in your books that's it after that's gone

you could go again but they won't let you take a cash advance or a draw you follow me like a Visa draw like if you take $500 from Visa you get your bill the next month and you get your cash advance interest so

they don't take that when I was a kid and even now I mean listen New York City made $1.2 billion in the last month in Gamblin I think 80% of people signed up for betting sites never even placed a betting before

that's how crazy Gamblin's gonna fucking blow up but my point is the reason why I like these websites is because you can't bet over your head you can't you can put some bets in lose and move the fuck on but you can't bet over your head when I was a kid I used to bet over my head all the fucking time

so now you're down $5 $600 what do you do I either gotta borrow the money from him he's gonna juice me at 3 points a week or I'm gonna fucking have to borrow the money from relative which I didn't have and what's behind door number 3 what's your other option

to hide just duck him until he fucking moves the fuck on I did that for years when I was a kid especially in high school but in September of 82 I put a bet and with somebody I couldn't duck my high school teacher

he's long gone now he wouldn't take any of my bets while he was our teacher but once my friends graduated and I was officially out of school he started taking my bets me and my buddy put a $2500 bet and with him $2500

that means we had to come up with like $2700 when the bet turned in you know how much money we had we didn't even have $27 so for years I had for like 2 or 3 years whenever I was short on money I go to a

jewelry store on Burger Line Avenue and lift a few things sometimes I lift a few rings sometimes I lift a few tray of fucking rings it was tremendous you know I had it down and I always said to myself if I ever paint myself into a wall I'm going to take the whole

fucking cart of gold chains it was just a fucking 100 gold chains and 100 bracelets I was so stupid I actually ended up doing it 40 years ago this September 15th or September 23rd it'll be 40

fucking years from now and my point I'm trying to make to you guys is no I wasn't cool because I robbed a joint it made me a better person when the word got out that I had robbed it it was the first time even though it was something negative

then I gotta tell you something a lot of people were proud of them in North Bergen because we're fucking New Jersey's based on a robbery system but I gotta be honest with you this as warped as my brain was at that time I wasn't even a little

proud of myself because I had people talking about it people coming up to me knowing what the fuck and now it was like I was known as a thief and I really

I really wasn't proud of that but it was a lot better than being known for a kid that I felt sorry for for his mother dying I don't know if you even understand that logic but that's what my head was at that fucking age so

then after that I had to leave the cops looking for me that impressed charges everything worked itself out and I learned a valuable lesson but that's what that whole thing was about that it wasn't about me being a fucking thief it was about me

not wanting people to feel sorry for me losing my mother I had nothing to do with the animal that I was and once people found out that I robbed nobody felt sorry for me that I lost my mother they could tell I was just doing just fine

and that's the fucking podcast for this week man you know I like I said a lot of people hit me up this weekend for the support for Joe whatever listen guys Joe always had my support to the end of time he'd done more for me

than any agent any comic any friend in a long fucking time and you know what there were people who would stop talking to me since I moved to LA and don't even call to say hello I got to tell you something about Joe Rogan he's more of my friend now

that I've gotten out of comedy he's more of my brother so if you have people that are on the fucking fence about him or any of the things he said I know how you guys feel about me and you know where I stand and all this you know the type of person I am

listen he's a good man he's my brother he's done a lot to help me I've done a lot to help him and we work off each other and uh hopefully I could be down there pretty soon to do the podcast and show you motherfuckers we're still a fucking team

made in goddamn heaven I'm happy that I have him in my corner I'm happy that he throws praises at me and I'm happy that I could call him a friend the same way I called Aria friend the same way I called Red Band a friend my man Mike a friend listen when you have a friend

you go down to the end with that person whether they're wrong or right in this sense Rogan is not right for what he said but I don't want you guys to think I never negative light on him for what everybody's saying about him as a matter of fact

fuck it he's my brother I love you cocksuckers with all my heart remember white truffle is in rainbow ruts is in you know cocoa is in I just gave Mike after batch the old batch and the new batch so he could fucking try before

and after you know what I'm saying so if he puts him a picture before after and way fucking after don't be motherfucking surprised I'm happy you tuned in this week uh we're getting better and fucking better I'm feeling better and better

and we're getting healthier so we'll be rocking please I hope you watch the bitch podcast with my girl Kim condom and and Sarah winestrikes she's fucking they're pisses they're really cute and I had a great time with them hopefully this week

I get back on sickle or somebody else's but until then I love you motherfuckers with all my heart enjoy the motherfucking Super Bowl don't go over your head when the Super Bowl ends please don't beat your girlfriend or your wife

come a statistic cocksucker and have a great weekend have a happy Valentine's Day I'll be back next Monday on motherfucking Valentine's Day stay black have a great weekend and I love you cocksuckers with all my heart alright I want to thank you savages

for listening to Uncle Joey's joint do not forget to join it's brought to you by Onnit when it comes to supplement supplements plural Onnit is number one in my fucking book and then number one with the country they're tremendous company

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it's DraftKings this is the last season of NFL football let's make a little money together DraftKings is the official sports betting partner of SUBO 56 they're tremendous and the official sports betting partner of the NFL

this week they're gonna give you 56 to 1 odds on either team that means if you bet 5 dollars you're gonna get 280 who's better than you it's either Cincinnati or the Rams it's that easy this weekend you got the over and under and you got prop bets but if NFL is not to you

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download the DraftKings sports book app it's the last weekend to make some money with the NFL even if you bet 10 dollars it's more than you got a chance to win you're not gonna win unless you play download the app use promo code Joey okay at DraftKings sports book now you gotta be 21 older

minimum age is 20 minimum age and location requirements vary by jurisdictions see DraftKings.com sports book for full list of requirements and state specific responsible gaming resources it's easy void were prohibited

now if you got a gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBA if you're in Tennessee 1-800-888-997-89 if you're in Connecticut 888-789-7777 and if you're in New York 877 8 Hope New York or text New York

but anyway it's DraftKings I want to thank DraftKings I want to thank CBD Lion I want to thank Onnet I want to thank BlueChul and I want to thank you guys for fucking taking time to download us listen to us

and support in the podcast I love you motherfuckers with all my heart don't forget laughing gas is available at the ice cream shop I love you motherfuckers stay black and the ice cream shop is having a party this Friday night at crazygirlsonlibrary

stop and tell them I sent you have a great weekend you