Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #139 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, February 16th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is brought to you by Relief Band, CBD Lion….. Go to https://www.ReliefBand.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% OFF, Free Shipping & a 30 Day Money Back Guarantee... Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order!l Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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joint or church and get 20% off delivered to your house. That's CBD lion. Now, without further ado, let's get this party started. It's Wednesday morning, cock-suckers. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Thank you for fucking clicking on YouTube and watching Uncle Joey's joint on Wednesday, February, the motherfucking 16th. A beautiful fucking day to be alive.

It's been cold as fuck here in Jersey lately. That wind is on, Jack. And I'm the type of motherfucking when I come home at six. Like I usually leave my fucking key in the car to see if I'm going out. Fuck no. In this cold weather, I come home, I click that fucking car. Click, click. You ain't going to see me till the next goddamn morning.

It's cold at night. I love cold weather. Don't get me wrong. I don't disintegrate. It's not that bad, but man, you got to get fucking used to it. Great weekend, great week so far. You know, I got a couple things going on. I got a little surprise for you motherfuckers.

At the end of the week, you're going to be all fucking excited. But for right now, I wanted to talk about the soup bowl. Soup bowl was great. I had a great fucking time. I went over to Jimmy's and it's funny because I'm having a little fucking. I never really had a midlife crisis. You know, everybody, you're going to get a midlife crisis. You dump your wife, you fuck some hot Asian chick, you get a Corvette.

Please, my midlife crisis. My midlife crisis right now is what I'm having. I went to Jimmy's fucking great food, you know, sausage and peppers, pizzas. I mean, it was tremendous. And I bet the winning side, you know, Uncle Joey, I love Cincinnati. Oh, we getting the fucking four and a half four. That's a field goal. They gave it to you.

You know what I'm saying? You just got to read the fucking line. It was funny because a couple weeks ago, it was at my daughter's kickbox in school, Fat Joe's great fucking place. And I was talking to one of the dads, a fucking solid dude. This dude's built like a fucking door. I went to his house one time to eat. He's fucking a huge Canadian dude.

I love him and his wife and their kids, but he's a smart motherfucker. Like he's off the rail smart like analyst, econ fucking, you know, you could tell when you talk to him that he's very heady. Like he's very heady in his thought. And we were talking. He goes, who do you like? I goes, I love the Rams. I go that, that, that, that, that.

Let me talk to you about something. Do you think you're just going to march in there? The Rams are going to win by 20 at home on the Lord's Day. And that's it. The book is going to take a beating. It's the number one gambling day of the fucking year. Plain and simple. Everybody bets on the Super Bowl.

Grandma's Chinese people fucking everybody bets on the Super Bowl. Okay. It's just, it's just that big of a fucking day. And there's nothing to counterbalance it. So if they're like, was a big UFC McGregor versus somebody, the Super Bowl could say, okay, we'll, we'll lose the game, but we'll get our money back on McGregor. But that's not the fucking case. There was nothing to counterbalance it.

And there's just so much fucking dough getting launched on it that you got to take it. The bookies cleaned up this weekend. You never seen a bookie with a part time job. That's my all time fucking favorite saying because I love people who think they're going to gamble and beat the system. You're going to win. If you're thinking about how many people make a living off gambling, it's a small percentage. If you think it's tough to fucking be a comic, try being a fucking professional gamble because

there's ups and downs. And when you're up, you're up, you got to know how to load up. And when you're down, when you're not picking, you got to know how to fucking pull back and watch from the sidelines and get some fucking momentum. It's tough gambling. It's very tough. I love it. Not to the degree of, you know, betting millions of dinar.

Entertainment. Entertainment is a big difference in being a fucking gavon all across the board. So anyway, back to fucking Tarzan at Fat Joe. So we were talking and he's like, nah, the Ram's going to be that easy. Trust me, you know. And I said, in fact, they're going to shock people. And I didn't know. Listen to Rams on paper.

We'll weigh better than fucking Cincinnati. But again, they're not going to, they didn't get to the soup bowl because they're going to fucking suck dick. So I like Cincinnati. I like the fucking under. I bet the under all the things I lost were the props. I lost every fucking problem, the kiss of death, but I had the right side and the right total. And that's all that matters. But it's, it's so weird how I looked at football season this year just to learn.

I just wanted to do an experiment, you know, and I got to be honest with you. I did really well pick wise for football and I could see early on the season. I made some mistakes with some totals and whatnot, but I did really well with football. My sports to gamble on a fucking football, UFC, everything else. I suck dick on. I don't even take a chance. I don't like card games. Basketball once in a fucking while, but it's so, you know, the ball goes out of bounds.

They hit a free throw. You lost your ass. So and basketball is every day. So you're going to go down a hole eventually and I don't want to see you go down a hole. I like the occasional football bet, maybe a college football bet on a Saturday. I don't bet college football, but it's funny. After the game came in, I was told to my wife and I go, you know, I'm really good at this shit. It's so weird.

I just don't have balls to bet the farm. I have a daughter. I have a wife. When you have a child, you just can't go. That's their money. You know what I'm saying? So, uh, but my wife and I were talking, she's like, like last week, you were over at the Myrtles around the corner and you were talking about football and you were winning that night.

You know, she goes, why did you learn this? And I go from losing. That's how you learn to win. You don't learn to win from fucking, you know, you learn to win. You learn to win by losing, by paying a bookmaker, by paying DraftKings. And you're like, I don't need to pay this motherfucker $25. DraftKings got 50 of my fucking dollars this week. What the fuck is going on here?

You know what I'm saying? So over the years, like I gambled straight to the time I left, uh, North Bergen in 83. I fucking gambled. And after that, I really never did it again until I just moved back here. Every once in a while when I went to Vegas with Rogan, me and Ari would put a bet on the UFC. But as far as doing it every night, I didn't have a bookie back then. I didn't know anybody in that life. So gambling has been out of my life, you know?

So I was telling my wife that you learn. I learned by having the fucking sixes when they were in their heyday against the nets at the fucking metal lands. The sixes were given four. I didn't see it. I lost my ass. I had to go fucking mug somebody to come up with money for the bookmaker. When I robbed the jewelry store, you know, I had to fucking lose inside because I didn't know how to read the lines. It's not dog. If you're looking at percentages when you gamble, if you're looking at, oh, the defense isn't listening.

You're doing the wrong thing because mom's grandma's a betting fucking football. I'm winning. Meanwhile, you're sitting there like Johnny fucking mnemonic going through charts and shit. So that's what I'm saying. He was too heady. It's like Joe Rogan. I love Joe Rogan to death, but he's very hard for him to pick a winner in the UFC because he's so heady. He's so intelligent.

Me, I'm just looking at the fucking line. That's all I'm looking at. So it was really weird. I learned this at a young age, you know, not with my mother's sports. None of that shit. I had no idea what was going on. I learned that a gamble in 80 fucking three and I learned the benefits of gambling and the decline of gambling. And that's when I made my decision fucking February of 83.

I made a decision never to gamble again. It was between gambling and snort and coke. I'll take what behind what's door number two because I figured I realized that when I gambled, I got nothing for my money. You sit there. You fucking sweat bullets. You curse. You say racial slurs, you know, whatever the fuck you're yelling at the bar. And next thing you know, you go home and you got rabid.

He is. You got your fucking pockets like empty. You got nothing. You know what? At that point in 83 when I was 20, I made a decision and fucking I rather look out a window and crawl on the floor looking for a coke rock. At least I'm doing something. I'm burning calories than fucking sitting there watching somebody else fucking score. And, you know, you can't control gambling.

And in my mind, I felt like I need 50,000 or put 50,000 on somebody. And that's what I used to do. That's not 50,000. I'm exaggerating, but I bet five grand, two grand. You know how much money I had in my pocket when I made those bets? $2. And I'm like, fuck it. If I lose, I'll come up with the money on Friday.

Jesus Christ is the horrible way to live. But in 83, after I robbed the jewelry store in 82, the 40th anniversary coming up in September, I hit out for a while in Sarasota, Florida. And then I came back to Jersey and a little dude named Ferney, who I've been thinking about a lot lately. I miss him. You know, like I said the other day, it's 40 years since high school. When I moved here in the back of my mind, I'm like someday me, Conti, Ferney and fucking Pelle, you'll get together. Pelle ended up dying. Ferney won't return my Facebook messages and I talked to Glenn.

In fact, I talked to Glenn this morning. So, but I learned a lot from his demise. Ferney hit rock bottom in 83. And I saw him, you know, I saw the whole thing go down. It was no bueno. And we started again, like when I came back from Sarasota, I had a little bit of fucking gold chain money left. So I got a job right away. Ferney's father got me a job at this warehouse that set up these fucking cabinets for Enderman's Donuts.

When you walk into a store, a supermarket and you see those shelves that say Enderman's Donuts, we would make the display. It was a place in Edgewater, New Jersey. It was a union job. You work seven to three and fucking. I think I did it for like a month and we got fired. But it was tremendous because I was hustling. You know, I was doing whatever the fuck I was doing. And then I got the job.

It was Ferney's father's restaurant was called H&B Diner on Edgewater Road down there and fucking this was around the corner. You know, in fact, if you ever watched Copland, that liquor store, I used to go there for one of the guys every day. It was a little skinny black dude. He used to give me a couple dollars to go get him Blackberry Brandy every day for lunch. Tremendous when you're 20. This shit's fucking tremendous. Right. So every morning we wake up, freeze our fucking ass off.

I still remember being in his car shivering, you know, October of 82 and fucking like Vanity was on. You know, Tulin, you know, Santa B, the nasty girl, that jam. I still remember being in the car, me stinky, Ferney, freezing our fucking asses off at 445 in the morning and listening to Vanity. That's how fucking crystal clear. Like I told you, motherfuckers, I don't know what happened two days ago, but 30 years ago, I'm on it. I'll tell you your sentences, speeches, the whole fucking thing. So we would go there every fucking day, five days a week. And then we had a tab at Ferney's father's restaurant.

We just go in there and get pork sandwiches at $3 apiece. There was weeks. I only made like 20 bucks from all the food I ate at Ferney's. His father was a tremendous cook, but we would get to this place. And we already like the guy who got us, Ferney's father got us the job through this dude. And we went to the dude and go, listen, we're out all night drinking. If you think we're going to live shit, he goes, listen, I don't mind. Just go up to the attic and hide.

You know what I'm saying? We would go up there and fucking hide all day. Me and this cat, stinky, would go up there and fucking, you know, play football. We'd line the boxes up because they had big refrigerator boxes. And we lined the fucking boxes up like linemen and shit. And I get a football out of the car and I'd run around the linemen and he tackled me. That's what we did for fucking seven hours. We went to lunch at Ferney's.

We got high. We brought a bottle back for the skinny black dude. And that was it. We reported to the skinny black dude. I'm sorry. I don't know what his name was. If we were 20, he was maybe 50 this fucking dude. And he drank every day.

He wore gloves with little fucking zits off his fingers and shit. Good guy. You know, I love the guy. We were there with him and he wouldn't fucking report us or anything. But one day, the reason why we got fired, everything was going great. And the only job they'd make us do me and stinky was when the was to take the boxes for the refrigerators and hand them to these huge boxes. So you got to turn around, pick it up and hand it down. It was from the second floor to like two floors down.

It was a big piece. Let's say the piece of cardboard was eight feet long, kind of heavy. So we're fucking doing all this. And with one of them, I started working really fast. And I just said, Glenn, move back. And I would just whip him to him. We did this every day. We go up there fucking play some football, eat a pork sandwich, then come back and whip those things.

He would whip him to me and then I put him on a pallet or I'd whip him to him. Well, this particular day, we're up there and we're fucking whipping him. And the little skinny dude, the black dude, our boss comes over and he's like, hey, you got to double up on these because we got somebody picking them up. I don't know what the story was. I wouldn't want to blow smoke up your ass. So he goes, in fact, I'll help you. Now, he was a skinny dude. He was always drunk.

You know, he always had three or four shots on me, smoked dope. And you know me, I'd feed him dope every day. I'd give him the best dope and thumb the smoke. I have a joint and he go, what the fuck is that shit, dog? You motherfucking almost killed me. This went on. So this one day he goes, you and Glenn go up on top and shoot us. The board's down and me and I'll get another dude like a chubby white dude and we'll fucking load.

Glenn will shoot to him and you shoot to me. Okay. So I'm fucking up there. And I'm, you know, I'm a young kid. I'm fucking zipping him. And he's like, hey, man, slow down. You know what I'm saying? What's the matter with your brother?

There's a union job. Take your motherfucking time because it's a union job. What are you in a rush for? They're going to pay the same shit. So he starts moving back, right? Because we will load them so fast. And all of a sudden I threw one and I saw the wind kind of caught it. And he's like, man, slow down with those things.

And on the next one, I didn't mean to do anything from the bottom of my heart. I liked this dude. I took the board and I just went, and he was a little far away and the thing caught some air and it was like a flying carpet. And you can see his face like he lost it and shit. Like he thought he had it, but he lost in the sunlight and shit. And all of a sudden the thing just went, it curved and just went, I seen the motherfucker from the top. I saw the thing curved like a magic carpet. Then it just zoomed right in and hit him right in the bridge of the fucking nose.

Boom, like three inches of fucking cardboard moving 40 miles an hour. This dude goes down like a bad habit. He goes out, Jack. He's bleeding from the bridge of his nose. He's got a little contusion on the back of his head from falling backwards and shit. Tremendous. And we got him up, we cleaned him up, but the boss is like, listen, you guys just come here to fuck around every day. I can't have it.

You're done. So he fired us. I went and got a job at fucking this fairview hardware store, right? Great place, nice family. But in the meantime, I'm living with Fernie and I'm going out at night, maybe three nights a week. Fernie had to be at work at six in the morning, so he wouldn't go out during the week. So I would just tell him the next night when I see him what we did the night before. So one night he does come out like on a Tuesday night and he's listening to me and stinky talk and Pelly and McNeil and he's listening to us talking about gambling.

And he pulls me aside and he goes, what the fuck are you guys talking about all the time? Let me go gambling. You know, we're talking about basketball. It's not all of us were losers. Trust me when I'm telling you this losers with a big L tattooed on our foreheads. We couldn't pick a winner. And he's like, man, I think I want to gamble. You know, I want to gamble what you do.

So I'm like, okay, you know, we'll find you a good game. You know, we'll find something for you and I'll teach you. Now at the time he was a cook, but he also was a waiter at his dad's restaurant. So he would take his tips and put them in a box under his bed. He wouldn't even count him. He just draw a box in there. So it's a Sunday and it's like December. We had done some quailudes and shit.

Went to see Pat Benatar, the guy at the metal and store were handicapped. He put us in the handicapped side. Tremendous. So the next day we wake up, fuck it. And he goes, I want to put in a bet. Who should I bet? I don't know. You know, football as much as I do, you know, he bets $1,000.

He goes under his bed, takes out the cash, counts it, puts all the singles and tens and fives together. And he can't like 1600. He goes, fuck it. I'm betting $1,000 fucking parlay. Oh my God. Who do you like? We called with a friend's dad, Pelley's dad. God rest his soul.

And the next thing you know, it was like Seattle versus Pittsburgh and some other team. Well, he bet a two team parlay. The first game was like the one o'clock game. He won the second game was like Seattle, Pittsburgh. Now you can look it up. I don't know who what it was. It was December of 82. Pittsburgh opened up a 28 27 nothing lead.

And I actually put because I wanted to support him. I actually put like 10 a 10 time parlay and which is 70 to lose and 160 to win. If I'm correct, who the fuck knows? It's been years since I did all that shit. So fucking I put in like 10 times of them once to one game on and the team we bet for the four o'clock game was losing. I guess we were both hung over when we fucking fell asleep. This motherfucker wakes me up and he goes, dog, this is what it was. They were losing 28 nothing and whatever came back 29 28.

He had a dream that they came back and won. He woke up and they came back and won. He woke me up. He goes, we won. We won. I go, he goes, I don't even know how much I won. And we put the better one with my friend's dad. So he called my friend's dad, my friend's dad, like Jesus Christ, your best.

The first bet you ever put in, you put in a thousand time parlay and the motherfucker comes in. How lucky are you? So we actually go down in a Sunday night, pick up the cash. That's what it was, guys, 10,000, whatever with two fucking stupid kids. He wants to go eat a lobster tail. He never ate lobster. Take him up to Piquilisimo. He drinks the finger bowl.

I mean, tremendous. We had a great night. That was the opening night of his gambling career. If that was the opening night, he couldn't in his mind think of what it would be like. Three months down the road, like I saw him already like guys. He was a novice, also a gambling. The only person I saw loser as a gambling was my mother. So I wasn't too, you know, I didn't know.

I didn't know the fucking whatever. Fernie kept betting. Fernie kept fucking betting big, big. And guess what guys? Winning. I don't know how the fuck he was doing it. He was betting totals and a game. He would bet like three moves and they go three and all.

This went on for about four or five fucking weeks. Like this and the NFL fucking playoffs. I mean, it was just amazing how much money he had. One night we're talking the soup bowls coming up. It's Miami against motherfucking the Redskins with John Riggins and Miami Dolphins with a killer bees. Two great fucking teams. I think Washington was favored. I loved Washington.

I fucking loved Washington. Riggins was tough. The offensive line was the hogs. It was a great fucking team. At this time, I wasn't doing bad. I was working. I was hustling a little bit. I knew I was leaving.

So I was planning things to leave. I had my eye on this bookmaker in West New York that I wanted to rob. That was my big fucking, you know, I hear you like, I hope that job calls me back. My big thing was, I can't wait to rob this bookmaker. Fucking embarrassing when I think about it. So that bookmaker was going to be my cash out. Something bad was going to happen. I would have to leave town.

I robbed the bookmaker. Boom. And I go. So. Soup Bowl Sunday comes. Frontier says to me, listen, man, I went under my bed. I got $60,000 in cash from the bookie. I go, what are you going to do?

Because I'm going to bet it all on Miami. I go, what? I guess I'm going to bet it all on Miami. I'm putting Miami and over and all this shit. And then the phone started ringing. And this motherfucker started sitting on bets. And so did I. I was sitting on bets too.

For some reason they couldn't put bets in. So I sat in a couple, you know, small bets. I'm not a fucking moron. Ferney sat on big bets. One thing leads to another. Guess what? The fucking dolphins get killed. I'll never forget sitting there in the room with him.

We lived in a basement apartment. We had to open up beds. The bathroom smelled like a sewer. That's where I ate the fucking. That's when I, that's the place where I lived when we mugged the Jadadam. And I gave him the epileptic pills and shit. It was just a nightmare. It was a cute little apartment.

It was great. But I still remember sitting there with Ferney. And in the back of my mind, I won like 800 bucks. Ferney lost 60 plus he sat on $20,000 worth of bets. 18 years old guys. I didn't know what to do. I felt fucking terrible. I really did.

You know, I felt guilty in a way. I didn't make him pull the trigger. You know what I'm saying? He asked me about gambling. He asked my friend about gambling. We told him and he started betting the fucking big. I mean, he never really recovered from that. After the soup bowl, he must have slept for a fucking week.

And the next morning I wake up, Ferney won't get out of bed. I feel terrible for him. I go pick up the 800. I fucking won plus I had about 400 in my kick from sitting on bets. I go to a Charlie's like a big shot. It's fucking freezing. It's like a daylight today. Fucking freezing.

The sun's out. Beautiful fucking day. And I go eat nice breakfast like a big shot that I am. You know what I'm saying? I won fucking some money. And I go fucking. I'm going to go into the city. So I take a bus into the city.

I take a train. That's what I did. I took the George Washington Bridge and I took the A train down to about 160. I forgot how fucking cold it was. I walked down to Amsterdam and I'm down there walking the fuck around. And I used to go to a particular place, a health food store. It was a skinny black dude. You walked in there.

You had bulletproof class. There was a you who, two you who's and maybe tiger milk protein bars. Like maybe two tiger milk protein bars. That was a health food store back then in the fucking, in the fucking 80s. So I went in there and I tell the guy, listen, you know, what do you got? And he goes, I got the Buddha. I got the sense. I got everything in those days.

The Buddha was big. Buddha chocolate tie, Buddha chocolate, Buddha, regular Buddha. There was a thousand Buddhas going around Harlem and they were all fucking good. And basically it was a weed called lamb's bread. Which a lot of you guys, it's gone now. You might have to go to Miami to get it. Maybe Jamaica. I'm not sure.

People duplicate it in LA. We got lamb's bread. That ain't lamb's bread, bitch. That's fucking squank. That's not lamb's bread. So I fucking go over there. It's freezing out. And I'll never fucking forget that.

I tell the dude, I, I think, I don't know what he charged me. I bought like $80 worth of weed. And those days that was a lot. I only had money by 20. But I had just one. I bought like fucking $80, $90. I forget what the fuck it was. Good weed.

And I look at him and I go, look, do you mind if I roll the fucking number in hand? He goes, nah, God, you're a good customer. I go, it's too cold out there to roll. I remember he had a TV on in there. And I rolled the fucking number. I walked outside and the wind off of Amsterdam was just blowing. The wind would come off the fucking Hudson there. And you're dying.

It's cold as it is. It's like fucking 18 degrees. I'm like, okay, I couldn't even like the fucking joint. I was trying to like the joint. I'm in corners. I'm in alleys. I couldn't like the joint. So I walked in and there's like a little thing where you, you know, those New York City apartment

buildings have like those little alleys like a superintendent walks through there to take the garbage out and shit. I went into one of those things, but I had my back facing the street. And when I went in a corner like a cup the fucking thing, I'm trying to roll it. I feel a fucking gun to my head guys. And I'm like, what the fuck? And he goes, put the weed down, put the lighter down, put your hands up behind your neck. And he goes, New York City police identified himself.

I put my hands behind my neck. He fucking handcuffed me. I go, what's going on? He goes, were you smoking pot? I go, yeah, it's right down on the fucking floor. He goes, listen, man, there's a school down the block. I'm going to go in your pocket. If you got more than fucking like 10 singles on you, I'm going to break your fucking head.

I was like, oh no, what are you talking about? I live in Jersey. He goes, no, no, no. He went in my pocket. He reached out. There was nothing but Ben Franklin's in that. Thank God. He goes, where'd you get this morning?

I told him I had the Redskins yesterday. He goes, listen, get on your hands and knees. I got out of my hands. He goes, get on your knees and keep your head behind your head until the van comes. And I go, am I arrested? And he goes, let me see. You have a license on you. And right away I'm like, no.

Now, usually when somebody are copping those days, ask me if I had a license on me or ID, I would say no. And they'd ask me a name. I tell them a fucked up name, just, you know, to whatever. The guy turns me around. He goes, what's your name? I have no ID. What's your name?

Joey Diaz. Jose Diaz. Day to birth. I give it to him. He goes, all right, sit tight until the fucking van comes. I'm like, what fucking van? I'm going to get arrested the day after the fucking soup bowl. God damn it.

And I had just gotten arrested a couple weeks earlier for fucking trying to put some checks and shit. I'm like, God damn it. I'm going to get fucking pinched on the day after the soup bowl. Plus I got money. The van pulls up. He carries me to the van. He takes the fucking cops off.

He sits me in the van. It's like a Ford dude patty van with a whole fucking control center in there. I'd never, ever seen anything like this. So I fucking sit there and he goes, what's your name again? Write it down. I wrote my name down, my address. And for some reason I wrote the fucking truth. I had just gotten busted on the Jersey side.

This is New York City. He goes, let me get your fingers. And it's like, it was just like a fingerprint thing. I put my fingers down. I had to put my whole hand down and fucking 10 minutes. My ID came up and he goes, all right, Jose did. He goes, all right, you told me the truth. Because he asked me, did you tell me the truth?

I go, yeah. Why would I lie? He goes, I'm going to run you. I thought he was going to run me on the fucking phone. The walkie talkie, you know, Jose Diaz. When they run Jose Diaz, it's always a crapshoot because I don't know what's going to fucking come back. So he comes back.

He goes, oh, you got to rest in Jersey a few weeks ago. He goes, all right, there's the story. There's a guy selling weed to kids and we're getting complaints. So when we shook you down, it was for the fucking sales. Obviously you're not selling weed. You're just a consumer. You came over here to cop a bag of weed. Absolutely.

Okay. What I'm going to do is I'm going to write your ticket. He took my fucking bag of weed and he took like half it out and threw it on the floor. Then he rolled the rest up and put it in my pocket. That's pretty fucking cool. He goes, I got to do that because don't like that. I'm telling the truth to the weight.

He only charged me like two grams or something. I don't. I don't fucking remember. He gave me a ticket and I went five. You know, I went to the weed store and got another fucking eight. I have cash, Jack. I fucking took the cash and I fucking went home. The reason you're like, Joey, but you didn't tell me.

Well, how you learn how to read lines? What's that got to do with you reading lines? If you fucking got arrested for reefer. Ah, I was getting to that con suckers. So now. Remember, I got that ticket. They gave me a ticket. So when I went home a couple of days later, I had to call a number and they gave

me a court date. Okay. Now it's college motherfucking basketball season. So the Super Bowl ended. This is July 31st, 1982. The Super Bowl was on the 30th. How do I remember? I don't fucking know.

So now, you know, February commons, you know, it's New York City. You're not going to go to court the following week. You're going to go to court in like eight weeks. And sure enough, when do you think my fucking court date was? March madness, the fucking finals, the night of the finals. I had to go to court at Monday night at six o'clock. The game starts at seven. Check it out.

It was Houston against North Carolina. Fucking state. Okay. Now this is the second time I had done this with a line. The line started. I don't know. I don't remember the line on this game, but it was very hot. 13 points or something.

The day of the game, it went down to 11, which made a guy like me go bananas. When the line goes down two points or a point, that means they're pushing you to bet on that team. Go against that team. They know something. You don't know me. I'm an asshole. Me and all my buddies bet big on fucking five slammer, jammer, Houston with a keen

the dream, Clyde Drexel, the whole fucking thing. The other team was, you know, Valvano's fucking thing. You know, don't give up the whole thing. The cancer coach, whatever. Good fucking guy, great coach. I can't believe Mike Chisevsky is retiring after this year, but anyway, what's that got to do with it? Joe Lee authority on fucking coaches now all of a sudden.

I just like basketball. So fucking sure enough, I bet big on this stupid fucking college basketball game. As soon as the line went down to 11, I loaded up like 300 bucks. Guys, I'd have $300. I have fucking $300. So I'll never forget being in court and waiting to go up in front of the fucking judge. The judge, you ever go to night court guys in New York City? You're going to be there for a few hours.

It's a large representation there at night. So I kept going out to call sports phone. Every time the fucking judge took a break, I went out to call sports phone and dog. They were losing outright. Never mind giving 11 points. Like they were winning by eight and they still had a cover. They were losing by fucking 15. So I know I was a gun.

The moral of the story is when the line shifts the other way, don't bet that team. Bet the fucking underdog. Friday nights. Okay. Any Friday night when I was a kid, the Celtics with Larry Bird and the Sixers of Julia serving, if they were home, they would always give a big line, 12, 13, 14. But at game time, the line would go up two or three points. That's, that means bet the farm.

If you're giving 14 and the line goes up to 16, that means they want you to bet the underdog. That's when you, that's when your dick gets hard and you bet it all you're going to see. If you do it 10 times eight out of 10, you're going to fucking win. And those are line movements. The biggest line I ever lost was San Diego against the Raiders on a Monday night game. I think the game ended up in 81. The game ended up on a 56 to 60 fucking score. I had the over.

Yeah, it was too fucking easy. It was a Corrielle against fucking the Raiders or whatever the fuck it was. But here was the thing on that game, the line went from seven and a half to seven. Me and my buddies were at hashways all day counting the money. We bet fucking San Diego, the Raiders fucking clobbered them. So it's not about the totals. It's not about how many rushing yards. It's not about the fucking quarterback.

It's not about it. I could tell you one prop everybody lost with this weekend. Odell Beckham, right? Whatever. ODB, Odell Beckham, Jr. Used to be a giant. Everybody bet him to fucking score, right? Two, three fucking touchdowns and he got hurt.

I think he scored one. I'm not sure. I don't remember who gives the Frenchman's fuck. I'm not a statistician, but all this shit. I love these type of podcasts. And I could just rap to you motherfuckers about life. You know, we got to get a good giggle. And then you go smoke some reef and go on to your bad self.

But all those fucking things though, I lost those games. Listen, you remember some people remember their wins. Like my biggest payday when I was a kid was Joe Montana against the Dallas Cowboys. San Francisco, the, the, the, the white Clark. You know, I still remember arguing that night with people how Dallas was going into San Francisco, giving them a point and San Francisco ended up winning by fucking one. So all these things, every time you lose money, like I always tell people, you want to learn a lesson, lose money.

Anybody could fucking learn a stupid lesson. But if you really want to learn a lesson, lose money, that lesson will go with you for the rest of your fucking life. That's how that fucking works out. And that's it now for the rest of the fucking year. I mean, I don't even think that we have draft Kings. It goes into March. It's amazing how much gambling tapers off after football.

It tapers off close to 45% to 48%. People just go fucking black. People just go dark. They don't want to bet nothing else. They don't like basketball. Baseball is too fucking hard. You got to give a run. It's a weird world, guys.

But if you're looking to be a professional gambler, first off hit Lee up and see how that shit works out. And always remember the house, you know, the fucking sides are against you all the time. The house is against you all the time. It's just going to be the hardest. You got a better chance of making it as a comedian than being a fucking professional gambler. So that's why when I, when draft Kings came to me and I went on there and fucked around on their page, I wasn't too into having a gambling sponsor. But after I saw how you had to pay them, like I thought like,

I thought that if you gave them like a card, like an American Express card and you limit, well, you don't have a limit with American Express. They would give you like a limit and then every month they would deduct it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Every bet you put in gets knocked off your fucking card. They won't do a fucking card. They won't do a PayPal. It's crazy.

All I could use is my ATM card. That's it. But I've only made two fucking deposits, three fucking deposits, two, two. So everything else I've lived off. And like I said, I enjoyed doing the 25 out of bets. I'm not. When I said in the beginning, I was a gambler. No, not like most people in the stories.

I wasn't no Marky Warburg. I wasn't no fucking James Conn and the Gambler. Great movie. I could never turn to one of those things. And after what I saw my mother do with fucking gambling, fuck that. Gambling is an entertainment vehicle. That's it. If you're planning on getting limos and bitches and cocaine, you're in no danger.

When I worked for the sports betting service, they wanted you to portray a guy that lived like that. Like my alias was Pete Patello. When Pete Patello will call you, he just got back from Vegas. He was hanging out with the fucking Guarici brothers, eating steaks. He just dropped off Antonio Brown over at Ye's house. You know what I'm saying? It was that character because you want to sell people the fucking notion that they could become you. They want to be you.

You're not selling them the games. You're not selling them gambling. You're selling them you. You know what I did last night, mother? What'd you do last night? You stayed home in your mother's basement. You know what I did last night? I took a choice.

I didn't know what I wanted to drive. My Lamborghini on my Corvette on my helicopter. I went over to my little Asian girls house. I snorted some coke off a clip. We ate some wontons. And then I went to Vegas, ate $180,000 and came home. When you talk to somebody like, really? I got to be like you.

It's fucking scary. It's scary. So if you're gambling and you're thinking of being a big shot, it's not going to happen. But if you're like, that's it for me. I got to know like Golden State's got to play now. Golden State lost last night. I'm fucking believe it. Two nights ago to the clip is that's how you know things are fucking bad.

The clip is that's Alonzo Bodenstein. But anyway, I'm sorry I'm talking about fucking sports. I just, I didn't talk much about the soup ball on Monday and I felt bad. A couple of people hit me up and said, Joey, you didn't talk to us about the soup ball. You know, guys, when it comes to sports with the podcast here, I've been through fucking hell with this shit. I don't want you guys to start betting 300 a fucking game. But if you bet 10, like I tell people, people hit me up all the time, Joey. We signed up for draft Kings.

How much do you recommend? 10 bucks. 10 bucks. You're going to pick up 18, 1950, $20. That's better than nothing. That's lunch. That's gas. And guess what?

You lose 10 bucks. Your kid still eats. It's that simple. But when you're gambling fucking $10,000 a day, what? That's a different fucking world. I don't even have. I don't even have the patience to sit there. Like when I bet $25, I get a little angry from time to time.

Not all the time, you know, but I look at it and I go, how the fuck did they lose? Like whenever you bet the nicks, Brooklyn nets, forget it. I don't bet home games or bet against home fucking teams. But anyway, let's change it up a little bit. Wrap this up in a different fucking perspective here. Been a great week. I'm feeling fucking better every day. I'm looking better.

You know, I'm sleeping last night. I had shitty fucking sleep. I kept dreaming. I was formed off the bed. That's fucking crazy. And I didn't get it. It's not like I ate an edible or nothing. I had a little fucking reefer.

I had my little pill and I had fucking, I take these fucking and I switch them around every night to sleep. I have the CBD lion gummies with melatonin fucking tremendous. But after two or three nights, I got to switch them up for a week. I took some of those last night. I take this fucking Vicks, whatever, like Nyquil, without the quill. You know what I'm saying? Whenever you want to fucking absolutely want to sleep, Nyquil will fuck you up. Trust me, between me and you, don't do nothing to me no more.

Like I could just drink it if I'm sick and stuff. But the Nyquil without the quill, it's not bad. The little cherry flavored, you hit two shots of that shit, smoke a little bong head after that. You get that little blackberry flavor in your mouth and shit. You get nice and fucked up. You giggle a little bit. You go to fucking bed. I watch Bobby Flay and get hungry.

You know, you sit there and you're like, Bobby, what the fuck? And that's the thing. When you watch Bobby Flay, yeah, when you watch Bobby Flay, you get so hungry, but you're like, man, I could go for that. But oh, I got some peanut butter and jelly upstairs. I ain't got no fucking fall last night. He made risotto, seafood risotto with fucking yellow paella. He was on fire last night, Bobby Flay.

Even though I don't like Bobby Flay that much. I think he's a fucking dick. I always shit. I always cheer for the people that go up against Bobby Flay against them. But the game is fucking fixed because they always give the judges the second dish. And they know it's fucking Bobby Flay. The other night they had this cute little skinny Cuban girl on there. She made a beautiful picadillo with white fucking rice, some yucca, which is a mistake.

Never throw them with the yucca. White people like to fry bananas. You know what I'm saying? That was the mistake. I was yelling at it through the TV, through Osmosis. Switch that yucca up. Yucca is like a potato, but it smells like fucking, oh my God. Listen, I'm as Cuban as can be, and I don't eat fucking yucca.

And they put garlic on it, garlic sauce. It looks delicious, but not for Uncle Joey. Not this fucking time around. And here's Bobby Flay. He made a yellow rice with picadillo. Number one, picadillo and yellow rice don't fucking go together. That's rule number one if you're fucking Cuban. That's why you'll never see Joey at that fuck like this.

These restaurants in LA where they just shot the dude in Beverly Hills a couple months ago. They had two shootings out there, Bella Rose or whatever. They had that yellow rice. They had great black beans, but they had yellow rice. I can't go in there no more. I'm a fucking Cuban. You know what I'm saying? I can't put yellow beans on fucking yellow rice like Rice Aroni.

The fuck is wrong with these people? So it's the truth. So what I fucking do is I'm watching this and she's got the perfect plate. Plus she's Cuban. Here's what pissed me the fuck off. Two of the judges, one dude was a Cuban owned the restaurant. The other chick was like on a committee of Spanish restaurants in New York City, but she was as Cuban as can be.

Then there was a Chinese dude. Guess what? The two Cubans threw fucking shade on her. But the Chinese dude said it was the best meal he ever fucking had. I was furious. I'm like this motherfucker, these two fucking Cubans that were like top shelf Cubans. You know what I'm saying? Like you want to smack them in the fucking head.

They just came over like 30 years ago and they like glorious stuff on his shit. Fuck them. Fuck her and Andy Garcia. You see him at the soup bowl sitting there? Like, let me tell you something. LA is getting more and more fucking disgusting. I don't know what's going on with people anymore. That was not for me though.

That whole, I don't know guys. I don't want to say nothing, but like, I don't like anything in LA because people got to act like assholes. They showed Antonio Brown sitting next to Kanye West with a fucking mask on his face. Like a fucking idiot. Jennifer Lopez with fucking big glasses. Dancing. Meanwhile, she fucked that real guy in that fucking room. Ben Affleck.

The black dude is there, piffy, puffy, whatever his fucking name was. They're all there. She fucked eight dudes in the room. She's over there fucking dancing. I'm like this, Matt Damon with a fucking little fag mustache. Like walking around, shaped the fucking, I don't care if you're shooting a movie, shaped that fucking mustache. You're not the guy from fucking community. You know what I'm saying?

They all want to have that little faggy mustache guys. And then you had like Mark Wahlberg on the phone. That's always a beauty. And then you got my man, the rock that wrestled and fucking after football, he went to WWE and he eats more steroids and fucking a till of the hunt. And he's out there jumping up and down, yelling and screaming. It just wasn't for fucking me. I got to tell you something. I always liked the rock.

I'm starting to hate that motherfucker now. He's such a fucking Disney fucking fuck. I can't. These people are just sad now anymore. That's it. You sell your soul. And for what? To go to the Super Bowl and then post, I came full circle.

Get the fuck out of here, rock. Go talk to Rogue and make up with him. You cock sucker. Anyway, I love you motherfuckers at all my heart. Thank you for watching on a beautiful Wednesday. It's fucking cold. But I always appreciate doing your motherfuckers. I love doing the podcast.

I like just talking shit and smoking dope again. I'm not ready for a fucking zoom yet. Maybe next week we'll do a little zoom and get some new blood in here. You guys don't want to look at me all the fucking time. I've got to tell you something guys. I'm looking at myself and I'm being honest. I'm not looking good lately. I don't care what people tell me.

You look younger. No, I don't look ugly. I look uglier and fucking older. I'm losing my hair. I got more fucking lost hair. My face is turning gray. Can you believe that shit? But hey, I'm going to be 59.

I'm going to have a great weekend. And I'll touch base with you motherfuckers Thursday. Yeah, 50 fucking nine years old. Do I hate that number with all my fucking heart? I hate that number with all my fucking heart, man. But you know what I really want to do for my birthday this year? I'm going to go to Jiu Jitsu. All of your birthday?

Yeah. I want to do something that the biggest mistake I've made in my life was on my birthday. It was quitting karate in 1979. That was close to 40 fucking years ago, you know, 42 years ago, 43 years ago. This year, I want to go on. I want to go to karate. I want to go to Jiu Jitsu on my birthday and just, I don't know, just to come full circle, like the fucking rock.

No, I don't know why. Yeah. What the fuck are these people talking about anymore? Anyway, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you for always supporting me. I'm over here just talking shit, having a good time. But guess what? I'm back.

And that means it's going to get fucking interesting. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you for supporting. And I'll see you Monday morning, the 21st tip top fucking Magoo. Love you motherfuckers. And now for a word from motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right. I want to thank you guys for listening today.

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Stay black and I'll be back Monday morning at 21st with some fucking great news and some fucking tremendous analogies. Have a great weekend. Shoot that poison arrow cocksuckers. Thank you.