Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #142 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: January 15, 2014

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Wednesday the 15th of January. If you ain't got it together by now you're fucked! Are you fucking kidding me or what? Oh shit! Oh shit is right! Your ass is on fucking fire and the wells are miles away and you're sitting there like a fucking mutt! It's over! Get up! Watch that fucking hairy pussy! Do it! Are you fucking... Where's that fucking reef? I saw you roll some extras this morning.

We ain't fucking around. Wednesday if you're gonna do it do it right bitch. That's all I'm asking. Somebody's out there sharpening their dick getting ready to shove it up your ass and you're sitting there thinking about the weather should you bring gloves? Who gives a fuck bitch? Are you fucking kidding me or what? I had to fucking co-partner. Look at them sitting there like a fucking struz. I love what's going on with yellow shirt. I feel great finally getting over this cough thank god. You can't break a sweat. It's a whole new flu. It's got Chinese and Japanese

and Iranians mixed together. People coughing on one another. They keep fucking putting these flutters together. Gorilla Radio. Take your cock out. What's happening beautiful people? Thank god god gave you another fucking day to get up and look around and go wow. What am I gonna do today? How am I gonna lie to these fucking people today? You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna have to bullshit them like Governor Christie. Or do I look them straight in the fucking face and sling dick like a nomad?

I love that you called him egg cream this morning. How much do you think he weighs? 600 pounds? I do like uncle like Flavor but you know he ain't been doing jumping jacks and shit. We were fucking kettle bells and onyx products you know. So fuck him. He's done it. Eating fucking seats. What's happening baby? Nothing dude. I found it. It's fucking sucks looking for a new apartment because they raised my rent here. They raised it by like 50 bucks so I was like fucking fine.

You know what's weird to me? We always talk about customer service. I just called like I went out because I found a place I liked but I was still looking. I called like 10 places one day without driving around. Not one of them picked up the phone. How can you be an apartment manager and not pick up the phones? That's like your only job is to pick up the phone when you put a listing up. People are so fucking lazy anymore. You know what? I'm really seeing it more with hotels. Hotels have really stepped up their game. Hotels know that the competition's tight.

Families will go online and they'll cut you off for a dollar on breakfast. So all these hotels give you the rewards now. You know when you stay at a fucking four seasons it's a four seasons. You can't replace a four seasons in one of those high end hotels. But now you know a holiday hilton honors whatever the fuck they got all those. They're not bad. And I'll tell you why they're not bad. It's free fucking internet in your room. Free fucking business center with copies. You know when I go into a town I'm an idiot. I don't want to fuck around.

Every stop I make I gotta pay for money. You go to these hotels they don't have coffee in the lobby in the morning. You go to some hotels they got fucking coffee in your room and coffee in the lobby on your floor. I went to Nashville. What a hotel. You can't turn around. So customer service is fucking huge. I have comics call me at night. I'll call them the next morning like 12. Nobody's answering. That could be an agent. That could be Warner Brothers. That could be a guy that

saw you at the last factory a month ago wrote your name down and now they're casting a movie an hour ago. You understand me? So I played footsies with a fucking comic for four weeks to get on her podcast. I never saw nothing like that. Finally she stopped calling me. I stopped calling him because she would call me 11 o'clock at night. 11 o'clock I'm on my eighth dream. I'm dreaming about floating with my cats. You know what I'm saying? Last night dog I went to you know I tell people that I'm 50 and that you you know you try to control your energy well sadly I ran in Buffalo.

For some fucking reason in the treadmill you know I did Dolce's workout and I was feeling on Sunday I took the day off and on Monday I went to Kettlebell class and he had me do all different exercises so when you do all different ones for the first time I got fucking super sore. So yesterday was a big day at the house. I mean I was in Hollywood by nine yesterday. Oh jeez. Yeah we left the house at fucking 8am. We ran ten errands by lunchtime. Went to lunch. Ran over the hill. I dropped them off. I went to Dr. Amy.

I had a fucking meeting but whenever I go to acupuncture you gotta change the rules because my body goes fucking dead like by ten. It's a heavy sleep. You know what time I woke up? I didn't even set the alarm this morning. I woke up at 4.44. My alarm is set for 4.45. That's how I just opened my eyes and looked and I was like what the fuck and I got up and I ran here. I spoke to Jill Hemitser this morning and I told her she was running late for the podcast. I'm running late for everything. I got up. I had to feed the fucking cats. I had to make a protein shake. I had to finish up some stuff

for the podcast. You know and I just fucking passed out last night though. I love it. I love when I just pass the fuck out. Yeah I couldn't do it last night because it took Nyquil the night before and I don't know how people do that stuff because that stuff is crazy. Nyquil don't fuck around. Do you imagine a Nyquil in a gloomy bed? No. You can't. And they have this thing called Zquil which is just a sleeping part of it to go to sleep and I know people who take like two cupfuls like double the dosage. It's like a fucking edible with me. You build up the

resistance. I had an acquaintance that was addicted to Nyquil and he got busted. He was drinking Nyquil the most like people drink milk. Oh my god. And they busted him because he got so high he went to the same Nyquil store twice. Oh yeah because they card you now. They card you now. So no this is 15 fucking years ago. Oh wow. And they busted him at the same Nyquil. He was going to one CVS and then another CVS and another CVS. Well they busted him at the one fucking CVS. That's terrible. He's fucking crazy.

Rehab and shit and smoke cigarettes. I got really lucky that the only thing I was ever really having a problem with is food. I never got addicted to anything like that. I was talking to a guy yesterday about smoking. His wife, the guy who was my new manager, they were getting over cold too and when you open the apartment door it smells of smoke so they must have been smoking for decades but she was trying to get over a bronchitis but she still had to smoke so he was saying how she finally cut down and now she's getting better and I'm like thank god I never got in. Like I can't imagine not being able to breathe

right now and still wanting to smoke. Let me tell you something. Smoking. I didn't get into smoking until I moved to Los Angeles. Really? Yeah I never smoked before as a kid. Nothing. I was against it completely. I couldn't even get in a car. Last way I got into somebody's car that had been smoking I got a little fucked up. I had to open the windows a little bit and buffalo but no no I didn't smoke until I you know man Addictions are a very weird thing and you know you can't prepare for it. You cannot prepare for any fucking addiction

whether it be pill it just sucks you in on the back end it could be gambling, it could be you know sex for some people you know some people just fucking whores whatever you gotta torch me with this shit just for the fucking morning some people just you know I mean I never dreamt of being hooked on drugs. I never dreamt of being on drugs. I thought my drug used to be some fucking reefer maybe and then a couple times acid

I never dreamt of it. I just fell into a void where you know you need something so the drugs were it for that time period and that's what it seemed like to me cocaine to me like I explained on one of the testicle testaments excuse me cocaine for me it wasn't a drug anymore. It was a thing to show off with. It was a status symbol. It was a status symbol but for me at that time it was a way of being cool I guess I don't even know because I've never strived to be fucking cool. I don't know what it was

I was just missing something after my mother died and I just took off and went with it man. Do you think you're an addictive personality? I think you I think you do. Oh absolutely absolutely I think we all do and if you say you don't there's something that we all get hooked on you know for you it was food we have different things and then they transfer the addiction transfers. I think it's transferred to work for you like honestly and it's not a bad thing because you have to hold you have to take it to you you can't let it get like if you were just not going home and not paying attention to your kid it'd be a bad

thing but just the amount of the amount that you work I can't I don't think anyone I'm sure there's people who work as hard as you but most of them have day jobs they have to be at the office. For someone who doesn't have to go to the office I've never seen you're always out it's kind of crazy it makes me feel like I had to go up and meet Steve Simone yesterday because I felt like I wasn't doing anything. Lea I threw away a lot of years and I really didn't because I had the same work ethic when I was doing drugs this is why I was able to do drugs every day but it was just wasted on drugs. Without a job. Do you understand me? I was able

to do a grandma blow without a fucking job. Who thinks about it? So how much was that then? $60 a day. Okay. So your first $60 goes to Coke and then you know and I would try to make a hundred and get groceries and then buy a little bit of Coke for the night but I feel in my heart that I threw away a lot of years. I'm 50 now and when you're younger people always say you know don't waste fucking time listen man if I could live my life again I wouldn't have wasted that fucking time because it would have been reversed. At 48 I would have been

your goal is to get it out of the way early so when you're 48 boom you don't have to work. You don't have to fucking work no more. I have a friend that's 50 that's doing hardwood fucking floors. Oh no. Because his whole he changed you know he didn't focus on what was in front of him at the time. You know you see careers are changing every fucking day in this country. You know if you were a big time let's say paper print 30 years ago and you were making $1980 an hour printing for a newspaper. Today your job's

in jeopardy Lee. Today your job's in jeopardy and it's not that you're a bad worker. That's it. He was hot with neon. 20 years ago this country didn't have enough fucking neon. They didn't have enough open signs. You could sell an open sign for 200 bucks a day when I first got divorced the easiest job I ever had was selling neon I would go to the kitchen. But the neon signs? Yeah open and close and a picture of a dick with you sucking it and a horse and a tail moving. I used to fucking go to Kencos in the morning and for $11 I'd buy 100 flyers

and I'd pick a fucking mall and I'd go to a fucking mall and put flyers. Talk to everybody. Hi my name is Joey Diaz. I work for Strictly Neon and I get my flyer. That's what we do. Right away they said you have open signs. Yes I do. I have them in the car. How much are they? They're $199 and we give you fucking the first service for free or whatever. Boom I get a check right there for $200 which I got 50 buck commission so that was my blow for the night. So my goal was to sell 2 of those. I used to sell 2 of those from 9 to 12 from 9 to fucking 12 I'd sell 2 of those but I

committed to it. I would not do anything until I dropped off those 100 flyers because I knew 100 flyers would get me 8 calls and I would close 3 of them. It's numbers. It's just fucking numbers. At this times I would drop all flyers, get in my car there was no cell phones and drive to the shop to smoke with those guys and they already said Joey we've already sold 2 of them on the phone. People called up and we sold shit on the phone. That's how hot it was. Then they made me an inside salesman. They gave me a fucking book and they said dog we don't have a

speech for you. They weren't salesmen. They go call around. This is a true story. They go call around. For all you people that sit there, we get thumb up in the fucking ass. You don't know what the fuck to do. And I called a bunch of sporting clothing. At that time there was a shirt that you put on that would change colors. Do you know what the mood ring is? Well in the early 90's they had a t-shirt that you bought at the store that you put it on. It was like purple. It was like a head shirt with the colors of a Grateful Dead concert. When you put the shirt

on it changed colors according to your body heat. I called them up and I sold them a neon sign for every one of their stores. So when you went to the store you knew they had that line of clothing. I sold like a thousand of those. I got like a hundred dollar fucking commission on each one. I'll never forget this. And then I sold Russell Athletics. The clothing wear, the sweatpants. I called them and said hi my name is Joey Diaz. I'm calling from Strictly, Indiana. I want to see if you're looking for prototypes. Next thing you know I just passed the phone on to the engineers, the guys who did it.

And I got an account there for a year. I lived off Russell Athletics. Jesus Christ. Yeah I know it's sales. I don't think everyone's built for it because it would make me nervous just cold calling people. You gotta do what you gotta fucking do and along the way you learn something. It makes you learn something not only about yourself but about people. It makes you learn about people lying to you on the phone and people bullshitting to you. That's why I tell everybody you know what fuck college for a year. Go sell cars for a year. Go do belly and belly sales for

a year. Go see what it's like. How people lie to you to your face. I'll be back in an hour and next you know they're driving out of a fucking. They told you they wanted a four door. Now they're leaving a fucking Chevy place with a truck. They ran into a fucking salesman. And now you become a salesman. You're like ooh I know what I'm doing wrong. I'm being too nice to these fucking idiots. So there's just so many things. And I don't work hardly. I work smart. I used to work hard. What's the case? I might be like I told my wife last night go listen there's mornings I get up.

Yes I got up at four. And from four to five I fucked around on Twitter. But from five to about six dirty I wrote. Okay. She woke up at seven fifteen or something. That gave me an hour and a half of writing. Another fifteen minutes I sent emails. You know those fifteen minutes I sent seven of those minutes were emails that were necessary. The other seven were just opening up doors for the new year. Happy new year was going on in town. I'm doing a show at the Melrose Empire. That's the industry. Because I don't have any help. This journey has helped me really fucking learn

how to cover my own bases. With agents and what I would because I don't have big client help so I gotta do it myself. How big is it? And it's different now with email. When I was applying to jobs I would never send an application in on Friday. Any day past Thursday and you couldn't really do it at night I would always do it either right when they got in or right at lunch because they would miss emails. Do you think about that? All that shit is critical. Timing is everything. Timing is everything. If I gotta go back when I wake up

what do you do when you wake up in the morning? You scan through your emails to see what's important and you open those up. Same thing. In the daytime you're on the clock. What people won't do out of work and people will do sitting on the computer is two different fucking things. Are you with me? No I'm with you. If I call you and try to sell you a big black fucking dick I have a better chance of selling you that big black dick between nine and five while you're sitting at your job than between six and nine when you're at your home with your kids in here.

In fact I have more of a chance of you listening to me. You're getting paid what do you give a fuck? Lisa Yat yeah. Joe D is American foundation of big black dicks. How you doing today? Good. What's going on buddy? Nothing. Listen. We're having a sale. 60% off. Sale free shipping today only. Grab your credit card. Let's see what's cracking and lacking. And there you are at work looking for fucking something to kill time because the boss is coming so you might as well bend over and make believe you're doing something. Okay. So do you understand me? People will talk to you

while they're on the clock instead of when they're fucking home. Okay. And that's the beginning of it. There's different things that you have to know to do in your business. Each business is fucking different. What was your favorite thing you sold? Cocaine. Really? Sure. No. It's a joke. No, no. Cause you probably made the most money. No. I didn't make it. Well if I made the money why would I fucking be here sitting with you at six in the morning. Cause you snored it.

The best thing I sold is myself. That's the best thing you could sell is yourself. Which is what you're doing right now? Every fucking day. Every fucking day. You're selling yourself. You're better in yourself. You're a product in a company, you know, you built the car in 1963 and now it's 2013. How did you better that fucking car? You put air conditioners in, the leather's better, the fucking tires are better, you know. I sold fucking, yeah, myself, man. It's the best thing to sell. Why the fuck are you gonna go work for somebody else? When you could sell

the best thing in your fucking life, which is yourself. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. It's fucking crazy, bro. I can't even imagine. Cause for movies, I mean you have to sell yourself when you're applying in jobs, but not really. Yes you do. That was my specialty. Was going in for a job interview just to get it and tell people, ah, well they want the fucking job. When I give people advice, cause I'm on thousands of interviews, the only thing people want is to think that they don't have to like you're not going to waste their time and you're not going to ask a lot of questions. So all I say is

always just be confident and say you know what you're doing because no one wants to have to teach you anything. But there's a system and there's a system. So you call me on a fucking, I send you the fucking thing today. I send you the resume today at 12 o'clock. You call me at 1.30. How you doing Mr. Diaz? Lisa, I had the Department of Division of Criminal Affairs come on down for an interview. What's today Lisa? Yeah, it's the 15th. Come on down for an interview. Friday the 17th at 11.30. Okay. What would you do from there on in?

What do you do? I would say I would confirm the day before. Beautiful. You call on the day before. I'm confirming for Friday 11.30, okay. Yeah, and I always show up early. Cause especially I got the camera on. Especially here and then I always bring my resume with me and that was always great and in my references too. I would always have print out forms. Cause now you're always applying online and they have stacks of them. And if you give it to them it's going to be on the top of their pile. Cause they're not going to have to pull it out

and that's what they like that. And then the best thing I ever did was I was, when I first started I was trying to be too, I hated bragging, but it's not bragging cause. You got to sell yourself. You got to drop it on them. And you got to make them feel like they're not going to have to come show you things and you, and you know, even don't lie though. If you don't know what you're gonna, if you don't know, if you don't know it, don't, but if you know a little bit about it or you think you can figure it out, say you know it. But if you don't know it's a, that's not one of my strong points, but this is

and I got, I got really good at it. I got really good at interviewing, but it's a, you know, when you walk out of it, you call 10 minutes later and say thank you for your time and they'll find, that'll blow a mile of water. It blows a mile of water. I started sending thank you notes when I first got here. Call them, thank you and then send a note. That's even dead. But I never got anything off the note. So I got really, I got, you always get something off the notes cause somebody else ain't sending a note. You're covering all your fucking bases. You're doing what another mother fucker ain't doing. You know, when I did the podcast with Dom Herrera, it was very interesting

something he brought up as children. When I was a kid, I practiced basketball all day. And I practiced basketball, especially if I called you and you said you were doing something with your brother and sister because I knew I had you now. I was practicing and you weren't. And we have to bring that mentality as you grow older. I would call, right from the fucking writers I was walking out of there. If I seen a payphone, I'm dodging for that fucking payphone. Mr. Smith, Joe Diaz, thank you for your time. That was one of the best interviews I've ever been on. Thank you. You, and they don't even know

what the fuck to do. Yeah, I know what, I know what was big for me. I was always very nice to the receptionist. I'd always ask them what their name was, and I would always say hi and bye. Always. And then the seven day call. So you got the ten minute call, the fucking thank you note that comes on Monday, and then you got to call that fucking Wednesday. Want to see if I can provide any additional references for you, because I just got a reference from the fucking Pentagon that they sent me and a copy of my purple fucking heart. You understand me? What, Miss Ayant? What the fuck?

That's how you get a fucking gig. And if you're not doing that to get a gig, I would walk up to construction sites, bro. I didn't give a fuck. I'd get on a bicycle and just drive around till I saw construction. Anybody here need help? Yeah, talk to the electricians. Hey, man, I did fucking residential wiring for eight months. What do you think? I got my fucking tools right on the bike. I didn't give a fuck. Hey, dog, when you need work, you need fucking work. And that's, you know, when somebody tells me they've been out of work for a year, I start thinking fucking weird about it. Because if you want a fucking job, you go out

there and get a job. I know times are tough. Well, then you got to go out and work to fucking Mexican. You got to go out and work to fucking Mexican. You got to go back to that fucking mentality. And people don't want to go to that mentality. All the Mexicans and the immigrants are taking the jobs, but you got to outwork a fucking immigrant then. Have you seen the things they put on CNN about how much money, especially if you have kids, how much money the government will give you? And like, at some point, they're making more money off the government by not working than they would be working. It blows my mind. What's money, Lee? Lee, we're living in a fucking country where you don't

need to have a ceiling on your income. I told you when you get out of fucking prison two days before, they asked you if you want to sign up for disability so you get fucking 300 a month. So you sell your soul for $300 a fucking month. You're not going to pursue any of your dreams. You're not going to do anything. So what tons of money do you get? You don't get tons of money. Oh, no, it's not. You get government fucking cheese. You get milk that's contaminated that they wouldn't even give to fucking Puerto Ricans. You get shit sent to your house that you don't even, that's what cancer is. That's what fucking cancer is. It's the shit

they're putting in the fucking food that just overpowers your body. Your immune system can't fucking handle all that shit. Your blood ain't even going to these places. People getting cancer in their fucking fingers from touching fucking whatever the government is. They're touching hummus. Hummus in government fucking cheese. So it's amazing that, you know, I don't follow politics. I do not follow politics. I hear burps. My wife is involved in that shit and she knows not even to talk to me about it, but I will tell you one thing I have noticed. I don't know what's going on with

Obamacare or insurance in California and I will tell you what I have seen across the country in my travels. Ready for this people? Work. More people working. Jobs are up and I think at the end of the day that's the bottom fucking line. You motherfuckers are crying about work. That proves to me that motherfuckers cry about everything. So now the fucking black guy got you a job. Now you're worried about insurance. You know, deal with one step at a fucking time. Once you stay at a job for a little while longer they give you fucking insurance if it's a good fucking job.

So what I've been noticing, I even went to Buffalo and when I went to Buffalo people were saying to me, this is the most cranes they saw in the city in 30 fucking years. That's great. You know, they're redoing the waterfront. They're probably going to get a new fucking stadium in Buffalo. They're redoing downtown area, which to me, you know, so sometimes it doesn't matter what the fuck the president is. People crying no matter, you know, it's like that thing on the Sopranos. You know, she's crying because she has a ham under her arm, but no bread. Be happy. You have the fucking ham. How the fuck it, you know, they're

building, they're doing shit. People are fucking working, man. I don't give a fucking if you have to go to TSA and train for $8,000 an hour, whatever the fuck they pay you. It's fucking work, people. And it's decent work. You don't go to prison doing decent fucking work. You know, there's still people, I talk to people and they still want to be criminals and gangsters and I don't fucking get it because that's what society wants you to do now. They're building prisons like a motherfucker. And the private prisons too, so people own prisons. Oh, people own prisons. They don't buy a fucking prison. The prison of what's fucking happening now, baby.

The prison within yourself, motherfucker. You don't need a building. What's that fucking music you're playing? It's Wednesday, cocksucker. Get up, brush your teeth, salute the flag. You're in fucking America, you fucking douchebag. Get it together. Let's go. Let's play some fucking music. I don't give a fuck. All right. What do you got? Oh, shit. Little Errol Smith, off the album rocks, break out the heroin, motherfucker. Take some out for brain shoots and heroin. It's over. Mmm. Spark it.

My neighbor's really so glad I'm gone. Fuck those fucking... Everything is on fire. The shit piled up in the... Oh! Are you fucking kidding me? Put your pants on. It's over. Get out there. Get a fucking... Get enough... Get a knife and a cup. They don't give you a nickel and you're fucking stabbing the leg as they walk away.

Fuck you, you fucking Gentile. Fucking Gentiles, motherfuckers. What else? So you're at the impromptu Friday and Saturday? Friday and Saturday, 8 p.m. show. Steve Simone, Ari Shafir. Really? So I ought to be out there giving autographs if you behave yourself. If you're going to Boston to sell shirts, hopefully the shirts will be here. Get your shaking hands and jumping up and down outside.

Don't invite your mother to the show, right? Oh, God, no. Don't even tell your mom you're coming to town. No, I'll have dinner with her or something. She asked me to just tell her to show her how to download the podcast. I said, just look there. I said, I can't. And she said, you know, Jay Leno says he doesn't do anything that would embarrass... that would make his mom couldn't listen to.

I said, well, I'm not Jay Leno because you would listen to about 30 seconds of it and have a heart attack. Can you imagine listening today? We're talking about eating helmets and all that shit. Taking fights to the mouth. You haven't taken a fight to the mouth, Lee. No. Well, no one wants to do it. People want to do it. People want to do it. Every time you ask on stage, they don't want to fart.

Everyone's silent, but then I get tweets. Oh, I have a girl for you in fucking New Mexico that wants to fart in your face. There's such bullshit. And I can't believe a girl this day and age wouldn't want to fart in somebody's fucking eyeball. Why would someone want to do that? I would love for a woman to come up to me and say, Joey, can I talk to you in private? What is the amount of love? I have a fetish of men farting in my fucking mouth.

Can you do me a favor and fart in my face? Like, give me about 20, 25 minutes. Let me get some fucking ranch dressing and some hummus. And I will cut a fart right in your fucking face that will put you on another dimension. You understand me? And I know they're out there. They have to be out there. Women buy socks.

Women smell feet. There's women that like sniffing balls and armpits. Men's armpits when they're disgusting. Really? They get churned down by that animal odor. Oh, Jesus. Jesus is fucking right. Jesus can't help you, Lee.

No, he can't. Jesus can't fucking help you, cocksucker. Over here eating fucking goomy bears like A-rock. Can you believe that, motherfucker, though? No, that was so much. I only caught pieces of it on Sports Center. But it shows, I don't know what, like, I don't know what that would be. Is that ego or?

That's a different addiction. That's a different addiction. You know, he wanted to be in the 800 Club. I never had anything against Alex Rodriguez. I went to his 21st birthday party. Josh Wolf threw it or something like that. Really? They threw it at his bar in Seattle.

Oh, in Seattle? Okay, he used to be married, right? Yeah, and I heard he was from Miami. He went to school with a friend of mine, a dear friend of mine. They said he was a nice kid or whatever. And then, you know, once you become, and listen, man, to play sports, anyone to play sports in New York is two different fucking things. The media will eat you alive in New York, you know?

They did with the jet quarterback. They just kill you. It's not a fair fucking, you can't make a mistake in their fucking eyes. I bet that puts a lot of pressure on you. I hate using the word pressure and stress. You're getting paid all these millions of dollars and you need to fucking perform. You know, you do the best you can. You're not going to be the best every year.

You're going to have, you can't, you know, it's against you. Then father time comes against you and you move on. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. You know, they're already talking about Anderson Silva and GSP, you know, they're thinking they're both going to come back. You know, who would want to see that? Who would want to, you know, Anderson Silva?

You wouldn't want to see it? At that point, what's the point, bro? We're looking for new fucking blood. You know, Lee, I break your balls sometimes. I'm even sorry I brought that up about the fight to the fucking eyeball, because I'm the type of guy I like to evolve. You know, Joey Carattis, they were fun doing, they were done with them. The mad flavor worlds, they were fun doing, we're done with them.

We're always looking for the next fucking big thing. I never want to be known for one fucking thing. I want to be known for trying a lot of fucking things, whether it's video. There's something else going to come in the next few weeks. You can smell my fucking balls through your screen. There's going to be something. And if it seems interesting to me, I'll try it. I don't want to try it because it's a cool thing or it's the hip fucking thing.

Whatever we try is because we try and people come to your fucking stadium to watch it. So that's how I fucking feel. You know, I'm still, I hate fucking taking pictures, but it's easier for me to take a picture and just send it to Twitter. I got to join Instagram now and start that whole fucking thing. I don't have time for this shit. I don't see it on Instagram. You know, I don't have time for a lot of shit.

You know, I'm 50. I got the fucking kid, the fucking wife. You know, you're trying to write a book. You're trying to do the podcast. We're trying to do the podcast network. I'm getting emails from people to start a podcast network and invest in gold in South Africa. You know, what the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with people?

We're just trying to get shit started. Here are a couple of podcasts. I'm going to talk to Rick Ramos to do a movie one. Hopefully talk to Steve Simone, talk to Jerry Rocha. You know, maybe he'll start Nerds Incorporated. Whatever the fuck Jerry Rocha wants to do. But we're just a bunch of guys trying to get it together. That's basically it.

But it's just, I'm actually not a huge... I get why people don't like steroids in baseball. It doesn't really upset me that much because, I mean, it's just everyone's doing it now. But they caught him and he went and did it again. It'd be like if you went to jail or like if a comic got caught. So he was caught before. See, that's how much I know. When was he caught?

A few years ago. And what they do to him? I think he got suspended for a little bit and he apologized and he had a big press conference and then he had to do a whole new contract. But he has a $300 million contract and I just... And I think the Yankees are trying to fuck with him. Oh yeah, they hate him now. The Yankees hate him, right?

Well, because the thing is, they suspended him last season and he came back and played and now they have the media asking questions every day at the ballpark. And now that he's suspended for all of next season, he says he's still going to come to spurring training and cause a circus. So they're trying to get rid of him. They hate him. Now, the Yankees any good last year? No, no.

Do they have any top of a team? We do have any top... They got a couple of new... They stole one of our players and they're always going to have a decent team because of how much money they spend. But they haven't... Ever since Tori left, they haven't had that great of a team. It's fucking crazy.

It's fucking crazy what sports have become, what professional sports have become and the risk involved and the fucking steroids and the... And I guess that's it. To perform at a high level, if you need this shit, you know, what's happening. Yesterday I saw the... I was watching Insider or Insider to the UFC, whatever, UFC Insider. Okay. And it was about covering the fight when they were talking about...

It was the Chris Wideman when he broke his leg and they kept showing Vito or Belfort. And I'm looking at Vito or Belfort with the TRTs or whatever the fuck he's on and he looks like a chiseled fucking man. He's 36 years old. Okay. So I don't know what the deal is if they're going to let him fight. I don't know. I don't know and I don't fucking have an opinion because I'm not in that ring.

You know, it's like me saying when I smoke pot it enhances me on stage. Does he think? Well, I don't know. I don't know. I'm staying up calmly. What do you think? So let's... Let's put it this way.

When you say comedy clubs all around the world start, we're going to start drug testing for weed. What would you do? Go to the underground comedy club. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not there. I wouldn't know.

But does it? Does smoke and weed make you a better fucking comic? I know when I go on stage and I don't eat an edible, I'm up there like a fucking savage. That period I went through of eating edibles and going on stage, I was doing okay, but I wasn't doing as good as I could fucking do. Okay. And I felt it in Vegas that I didn't do an edible for like a week and I went on stage like a caged fucking animal.

And that's why I'm slowing down the edibles because I'm touring more. And if you're paying 20 bucks to come see me, I want you to see the best fucking me. I don't want you to be, you know, wow, he was high on edibles. Oh my God, he was so stoned. That's not cool. Cool is when I give you 150%. Okay. And then some.

I want... You've seen me. On stage, when I start talking, I go into a thing. If we go into a good thing, we got a good piece of material. Even if I don't take the thing, I don't remember what I said. I want you and us to see together that moment of energy. I want... When sometimes you're fucking doing it and I want to show people they could do it too.

They could do it too. This is no... What we do is not fucking brain surgery. You know, nothing pisses me off more when I see this. And they talk about like this tremendous fucking actor. But again, somebody's, you know, there's an artist somewhere drawing a picture of a fucking orange that I'm supposed to fall over over, you know, whatever. But there's more important things than this shit.

But it's not as hard as people think. I get emails every fucking day, hey, Joey, I'm thinking of getting into comedy, but I'm scared shitless. There ain't nothing to be scared shitless about. Just get on fucking stage. It took me a year to get on stage, bro. And you went and you watched, right? No, I never watched.

I never even went down there. Fuck no. What I did was rent the Rodney Dangerfield specials. And I watched them. And I watched the Joe Torrey special with, you know, the one on Def Jam on HBO with Joe Torrey was the warmup and Bill Bellamy and I still remember Joe Torrey's jokes. And I watched the special Rodney Dangerfield with Bill Hicks and Don Myrera and Andrew Dice Clay and, you know, things, whatever.

It's like a young comedian special, Seinfeld and Robert Townsend. And I just watched them, Lee. And I watched them and watched them and I would call the club and they wouldn't give me, because it was three minutes, once a month. And I would call the club and then after three months, they would call and go, you're on this Tuesday, 8.30, then the day I would call and cancel. Oh, and that's sick. I'm so sorry.

And after about a year, I go, I can't keep fucking doing this and I remember driving to them with my ex-wife and her being, you're going to be okay. And me getting on fucking stage and I was like the eighth guy on the list and that was the first time I had ever even walked in a, I didn't walk in a comedy club till I got on stage. Really? Yeah. There was no reason for me to dilly down.

I'm not one of those type of people that wants to go see, let's go down there, let's look and let's get, let's go to work. That's the first fucking thing I ever saw. So you never even went to a show as a, as a fan? No. Never went to a stand-up show. I went to watch stand-up in, I started stand-up in 91 and maybe in 87. I went to see a stand-up show.

But at that time, stand-up wasn't even on my radar. That was the only time I had really gone to see stand-up. Wow. It was on my fucking radar. So you've never really seen it as a fan? No. I went in there because a friend of mine won a ticket on a radio contest in Boulder to go see that guy from Boston, the slow guy.

Oh, Stephen Wright? Stephen Wright. And then he won again the next year because he knew the girl and he won again and that's when I realized, Jesus, he did the same fucking hour. He did the same hour? Exactly, to the T. And I was like, this sucks. If I was ever to do that shit.

Yeah, that really disappointed me. And I, I'll, whoever was into this, John Panette did that a couple times and I saw, that was one of the first specials I saw that I was like howling laughing the entire time. I say nay nay. It was a special. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. He put two more hours on Netflix.

It's like the same jokes. He, he, he tells a couple of different new ones, but like you would just say it word for word. I was like, what's happening? It was, and I was like, the timing was better on the other one. So like that's really upsetting when people do that. That's surprising. It eats away at me as a comic that fuck I'm here in a year and I still haven't written

new material. People doing that one or maybe there's a joke that you've added three bits to or something. Okay. But the comment the next year with the exact same fucking verbiage from the beginning to end just destroys me because in my world, something interesting had to happen to you. You know, something interesting had to happen to you that you could tell me. Even if you tell me that and they have no punch lines, I'll accept that. I'll accept that as a comic because at least you're telling me about your day when nothing

else fails. Tell me about your fucking day. We all have shit that happens in our day. You walk down to your car sometimes and you see a fucking something and you're like, I wish somebody would see this. And that's why you have Instagram and that's why you take fucking pictures or whatever. But in a way, not really you, what the fuck are we talking about? I got too high.

No, but about comedy and just writing new material and it just means the world to me when I see some money and you can tell they put the efforts like going to watch a UFC fighter and he fought, I don't know, he fought somebody last fight and the guy kept taking him down. And not only was the guy taking him down, you ever watched those fights where the guy does the same move over and over again and it doesn't work? Kind of, what's the bigger heavyweight guy, the white guy? Josh Thompson?

No, no, no, the guy who, he fought a few times in a row. He's the chubby guy that Dana White hates. Roy Nelson. Yeah. All he was going for was for the punching and you kept telling me, all he did, he doesn't evolve. You know, he doesn't, if he, if he, he's a black belt in jiu-jitsu, Roy Nelson. Do something different.

You know, even if you fucking pull them into your guard and then reverse, whatever the fuck you call it, sweep them and fucking mount them, you're a black belt in jiu-jitsu. So you have to add to your arsenal every time. This could be on a daily basis, man. You know, you don't write well, practice fucking writing. I fucking wrote like shit, look, find my space and go on those blogs. You'll fucking be amazed. I'm amazed when I go on my space and find those fucking blogs and look at what I do

today. How I write with more emotion, but that's four years, five years ago. That's five years of writing and erasing, writing and erasing, writing and erasing because I wasn't good at it. I wanted to see what all the commotion was about. And right now at this point in my life, Lee, I would give this all up to be an author. Really? Yeah.

I'm ready. I'm to that level now. I would give this all up to write for three blogs and have books on a fucking thing and what do you want to write about? I would like to finish this biography. Okay. I would like to write a book to my daughter about being street wise and not being a fucking punk, you know, and how to conduct yourself as a fucking woman in this country and not

to be a sucker and write it in excerpts, you know, like different things. I already started outlining it. It's a hard book to write because you have to be honest, you know, but I want my daughter to read this in case I die, something happens, you know, like different notes. It's not to be a sucker and how a woman has to fucking compose herself and how a woman has to act, man. And sometimes some people probably listen to this going, Joe, how the fuck do you know how a woman has to act?

Well, I know how the woman around me should act, and I know how my mother acted. I know how my mother acted. My father died when I was three, and I don't remember a man in my fucking house. I see women now that are fucking divorced and they bring three or four fucking guys into the house in front of their kids. Your kids fucking see that shit. You do fucking know that, you dumb bitch. Your kids see that and they remember that shit.

You know, we were talking about Mitzi fucking Shaw the other day. Somebody was talking about Mitzi Shaw, and I told the truth, man. I love Mitzi Shaw. She was my mother in comedy, but let's face it, she's brought 30 fucking guys around with fucking kids, and that's why she's in a fucking nursing home, because your kids fucking remember that shit. Okay? You gotta fucking have some type of etiquette around your kid.

Yes, Dad, I went to the park with my daughter, and listen, man, I had a fucking, no wonder kids are getting fucking bullied. Do you see what the fucking parents look like? Do you see what the fucking parents look like? What did it look like? You know, like fucking, they walk around like fucking human clones, human sheep. Sure your kids are gonna get fucking bullied. You have no identity.

I saw a woman at the park yesterday that you could tell it took her 30 minutes to roll up her sleeves, because God forbid somebody didn't see her fucking tattoos. You're a fucking mom, you dumb bitch, not a biker bitch, whore. You know, with her little Sinatra hat with sunglasses on, with the ponytail on the cell phone, there was one that brought the dog to the fucking park, and they were on this thing. She was paying attention with her dog, her daughter rolled right off and fell on her fucking face.

Me and my wife watched it, and I looked at my wife and I go, she was paying more attention to the fucking French poodle than what she was to the fucking kid, but God forbid she goes to the fucking park, and her kids, and the people there don't see her with a French poodle. God fucking forbid, really? Focus on the fucking kid, not the French poodle, but the woman, and yesterday was when I looked at my wife and I go, there's no way I want my daughter growing up in this neighborhood. Really?

Yeah, I don't want my daughter around those fake fucking kids, because if you're fucking family's fake, then you're a fucking fake. You have to have an anchor somewhere as a human being. So if your fucking mother's worried about her sleeve being high enough to show the picture of those fucking Chinese characters on a forum, because that was the most important thing in her day. I mean, if you looked at this woman, you could tell she prepared herself for the day. The jeans, you know, the whole fucking package with the dumb bitches sitting next to her.

You know what, there was fucking 20 Mexican nannies at that park yet. In your neighborhood? Up there by fucking Bambridge, by fucking whatever the park I go to. If you're fucking white and a Mexican is taking your baby to the fucking park every day, and I guarantee you half these women aren't working. Yeah. Pilates, or at a coffee club, or at their writer's club, what the fuck they're doing. I would die before some woman took my fucking kid to the park, bro.

I would die. I really would. I really would. Unless me and my wife were both working, and we were in dire fucking need, which you live in from that neighborhood, you're not in dire need. So it's amazing how you see what's going on with kids. People ask themselves, like, what's going on with kids? You know what's going on with kids?

Their foundation is fucking weak. Their foundation's trying to be fake. How the fucking kid's going to have an identity when the foundation is fucking weak? It's fucking amazing what I see now. Now it explains it. It explains what's been happening for the last 20 fucking years. I'm telling you, and especially in this area, because they don't judge you on your merit. They judge you on what you do in the industry, and that's how they're going to judge your

kid. They're going to give your kid the bigger present because they want to be able to mingle with you. I don't want you to judge my child on what I do on and off the set, or I don't want people to even know what the fuck I do. I don't want my daughter to know what I do. My daughter doesn't. I think I'm a writer until she's fucking nine or 10.

Really? Yeah, I don't want her to know what the fuck I do because I don't want her to judge a person by what the fuck they do, like most people. It would be great. It would be great to have a talented child. It would be great to have a daughter who could sing and fucking dance and go on America's funniest videos. But then again, there's a part of that that isn't for me because I know what comes of

it. Not only did I see yesterday at the park, I seen a black girl. I thought she was Mariah Carey. So she couldn't talk like a regular kid. She kept singing. And then there was a chubby white girl who was insecure, so for her to sit in, she was like her director. Okay.

We got a call coming in. Festos! Festos! What's up, buddy? There's my main man, my fucking, with the last man standing out on North Bergen. My brother, Mike Duffy. What's happening, baby? Nothing, buddy.

Nothing. I'm driving out here in unseen West Texas. Oh my God. On the way out. On the way out to some rigs. It looks like the moonscape. I didn't move here for the aesthetic beauty, that I can tell you. No, no, no, no.

You moved there for other reasons. But who gives a fuck? I'm just chugging up. You are my, in my life, you and our brother that has passed on, James Burkle, with my political compasses. Because as you know, I'm a fucking moron. I don't know anything about that stuff. I knew what I grew up in in North Bergen.

But you guys always filled me in, and I was talking about this the other day. Did Governor Christie know about the bridge, Mike Duffy? I don't know. I don't know. Look, I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm not really a Christie fan. After lowering the flag to have staff for junkies, promoting, you know, butt monkeys get married and his illegal immigrant funding for schools, I'm really, I don't have a dog

in this fight. But if this is the best you can come up with against them, you know, I think you're pissing in the wind, to be honest with you. Because it's not a big deal. For a Republican governor to get elected in a union-controlled state after bashing the unions, you know, that worries the liberal side of the aisle and the Democrats because that's scary to them. And growing up in a political democratic family for 30 years of my life, with my father who

basically wrote the Young Dems playbook, the first thing you do is you, you know, liberals and Democrats, left-wing people, can't stand up in the arena of ideas. Just look at this Kenyan care. It's a disaster. And every day we just find out what's more of a disaster than you get. Then you've got Nancy Pussycullar out there running around telling you, sign the bill before you read it to find out what's in it. I mean, seriously, and then she gets re-elected, you know, I don't know.

I don't get it. You know, the old adage is you get what you asked for. And my stepson called me last week. I had raised him from the time he was about five and basically said to me, I got a bill from the IRS for 30 something hundred dollars, for 33,000 or something, I don't know. I says, really? And so we think about that. He says, well, I'm not going to get a tax return.

I says, well, now you can thank all your young buddies who voted for him because your other one's going to get hosed the best. You know, you get what you would get what you asked for. But as far as getting back to Christie, I don't look. He did the first thing, the first rule of political damage control. He fired two people in his administration that he blamed for it. And you know, he went out and may a coped. He mesmerized the media by having a two and a half hour press conference or whatever

he did. And he answered all the questions. So if you give them nowhere to go, they got nothing. They got nothing. No, whoever advised them there, I'm sure your buddies are not very good with jumping up and down. Well, you know, you got some of the Cretans that continue to get reelected, you know, whose last name starts with an S and, you know, people like that, and women, eyes,

his abuses and child molesters. I mean, you got the gamut. I mean, yeah. And then I mean, look at the sorry bunch and they keep getting elected. And you know, they are all hoping this was going to be his doom and his downfall. Well, I don't think so. I think they've overplayed their hand. So now what are they doing?

They're looking at how he spent campaign funds that were okayed by the federal government on commercials because his family was in it, asking people to come spend money in the years. I mean, is that where we're going? Because we struck out on the first issue. So and again, the democratic playbook and the liberal playbook is to throw as much crap against the wall. Hopefully something will stick because then you cloud the issues of the accomplishment.

And that's what they do. That's what they're good at. They're good. I mean, that's it. That's an old macho tactic. You know, we learned that a long time ago when they ran against the ruby. I mean, they threw so much mud against the wall, they make sure we look like Hitler. And that's how they won.

And that's the tactic. You know, but if you can't battle them, you know, if you can't, if you can't win them with ideas, battle them with bullshit. And that's basically what, you know, what, what the democratic procedure is. They don't have a good idea. Every plan they come up with is a disaster. Amtrak to the DMV is a mess. And now you're wanting to run your health care.

OK, that's a good idea. Let me ask you something. We've been talking the last few days because in our hometown, they put up a page on Facebook, Memories from North Bergen. And you and I both went on and it's all these fucking people that are like these fucking Gentiles talking about, you know, you know, showing pictures. I viewed it. I viewed it last night. And everybody, everybody sparkles in unicorns, you know what I'm saying?

I don't know if somebody's filtering the page, but if you really if the truth be known and some people start putting stuff on there about certain people who've opened the page, you know, running the situation. And, you know, there might be some pretty red answers and red faces running around after that comes on. I mean, every time I look at the fucking thing, they vote. First of all, the guy who runs the page, Joey Laporta, isn't like me. So I think I got I got snuck in by jazz low into Memories from North Bergen.

Right. Like jazz. There's an old tactic. Yeah. So they snuck me in. And every time I read this page, it's it's just fucking. Yeah, it's unicorns and sparkle. And, you know, we had a great time off 46th Street Hill. I'm still waiting for the guy who puts that, you know, what about when Carmine shot the guy seven times in self defense in the back or stopping

at Ernie's liquors and fucking knocking on the door and Ernie would be sleeping on the pool table and he come give you beers and you could be fucking 10. You could be 10. You know, what about the keg robberies that went on? We followed up the beer truck for three miles doing deliveries. The minute you left the door open, we pull up the side, the other side of the beer truck opened the door, stay in the car and you had to take out the fucking I mean, I mean, I mean,

fag begging, I mean, it was a disaster. It really is. It's a lesson in concept morality, corruption. That's what that town is. It's a disaster. The killer runs the page. The killer runs the page. We're not glad we grew up with it.

And the thing that I find funny is you built a same base on probably most of the people I know have probably said this on your on your talk show, but they basically said, well, you know, that's that's funny stories you make up. No, no, it's not made up. Now you might put a little spin to it to add some interesting points, but 99.9% of everything I heard you say has factual basis and basically turns out that way. Now, along the way, we might add a little colorful commentation, but I'm telling you, people find it hard to believe that there was

a town that was that corrupt. I mean, what, 15 years, five recalls, locking me in the ceiling with voting books, they took a walk, handcuffed the front and back door at all. I mean, it's madness. I still don't believe it. I mean, think about the classic story I tell people and they laugh and shake their head is when Joe and my father basically turn around and said they put two blind

women next to the voting machines and then went in and warmed up the machine when you opened it up and then those women would tell you when they would sit there with glad with their dog glasses on how people voted when they went in the voting booth, which I mean, and tactics like that, people say, Jesus, that's genius. No, it's Lex Luthor evil genius, but it is democratic strategy and genius. We always think about a way to beat the system and you serve the authorities. That's the way the town is, the way it will always be. And it's worse now because let me ask you this question.

When's the last time you got a phone call and somebody said, we had a block party. We had a San Gennaro feast in the park. And not that the people didn't have to pay for it back in our day. There were buses leaving every weekend, taking kids to Yankee stadium. There were trips going to McDonald's Lake. I mean, we lived in a paradise for kids and it cost us nothing. So everybody's got their big break, as we say, in politics and did this thing. But they gave back.

There's nothing that going on anymore. That's over. I grew up downtown and I grew up in Carmine, Balzano's neighborhood there, right? And there was nothing I wanted for Mike Duffy. I am very lucky. God took my mother great. What are you going to fucking do?

But he replaced it with people and you were one of them. And, you know, those are the memories I see in North Bergen. And when I taught my fucked up story, listen, there was a party with this. Somebody put the other day, remember going up to Joe Marry's and Lila? She used to drink us when we were 16. I remember going up to Joe Marry, we were 15, celebrating the party and her buying an ice cream cake and us on Coke and nobody ate the ice cream cake. And at the end of the night, it was fucking melted with the Cuban flag on top of it.

You understand me? Nobody touched. Yeah, because because nobody's going to touch the cake when they're all high on that shit because you're rubbing the enamel off the teeth. Just put a coat hanging your shirt hanging up in the closet. Remember that nobody, the guy was a loan shark that owned the bar and lent us all money. In fact, I don't know who owed him more. Me and Glenn Conte had him up to like 18,000 on fake fucking loans. You know, it was it was amazing the things we were introduced to.

Yes, I took my daughter to the park with my wife and I took up here, the studio city, Bainbridge Park or whatever. Duffy, I got to get out of here because the reason why the kids are fucked up, Duffy, is because the parents don't know who the fuck they are. I saw a mom that I could tell you, Duffy, it took her 30 minutes to pick a shirt because God forbid she couldn't show her tattoos to the people that she got with a little Sinatra hat with a feather

with the shirt talking to the kid. And I'm sitting there going, this is why these kids are getting bullied because the parents are fucking weak. We grew up in a society that if I broke a window and your father seen me, he pulled me by the shirt, explained to me why that was wrong and then give me a dollar to get home. Right. And then God, then you hope to God that he didn't call your house and he didn't call your parents because you're going to get the ass whipping in your life.

And they were real. Men were real. The men I see up here with their kids with flip flops on with those dirty fucking feet with a bag to let people know they're a fucking parent in our fucking parks. All you see were women with their kids because the men were fucking working, dog, because when men were out there fucking picking up bricks or doing whatever the fuck you're going to do, you're going to walk around with your kid like a half a fag. We came from a precious time, a precious snapshot,

moment in time in the town we grew up in. And I got to be, I got to tell you, as corrupt, as crazy as that shit, and as much as that town was, I cannot say that I am not thankful for growing up in the town. And you had a less fortunate the most of us. You know, the story you probably still haven't told most people is the time you started putting tickets up for basketball. That was a classic. And then a certain person that owned

Pizzerias on Broadway was the bookie along with Tommy, you know, and, and they, they came to my father and they said, there's somebody printing tickets and running book in the school. I thought the school was off limits. The old man said it is. He said, well, do you notice kidding? And the old man smiled and goes, I know him. And then the old man called you in the office and said,

you might have to give back to some of these people. And your answer was, I'm not giving nothing to them. I'm doing all the work. Why am I going to give them anything? Some of the stuff and not only that, you were one of the younger kids that if you ever opened your mouth, a lot of people could have went to jail because some of the, some of the schemes and scams that went on, you were in the middle of,

you were in the car when it happened. Right. And they could trust you because you were a 13, 14 year old kid that kept your mouth shut. You try that crap now. And a John Q. citizen and his mother and everybody else will have you in jail by tomorrow morning. It's amazing that once my mother moved to North Bergen,

they, she brought that reputation to the block like the kids. A lot of kids knew and they wouldn't talk to me, but the adults, because remember, just because I saw your kid on the basketball court now, your mother would say to me, you see that guy that just came in, he says, you go to his house to eat. You understand me? So the kids, the parents knew that my mom was onto something that they wanted

so I could be trusted. I remember Sabatino telling me to Sancti Sabatino going, you know what, can you call my mother at four in the morning tonight and tell her I'm with you because my mother always feels better when she knows I'm with you late night. That fucking because she had it was amazing to me. I was 17, 17, but that's a compliment. Yeah, but that's a compliment. That was that was the mother knowing, look, the kids out.

He's probably got to know good. But I know if he's with Joey, things aren't going bad. He's going to get home safe. He's not going to be dead tomorrow morning because we, we knew how to push it, but we, but we knew where to stop and where to draw the line. You know what I'm saying? And when we were younger, I got to say that friends, when I called you a friend, it meant something.

You stood by your friends. It meant something. My father would, my father would be proud of you because I don't know if you ever heard my father say this, but his famous expression was he would pull up and it'd be a guy sweeping a floor somewhere in a gas station. And he'd say, you see that guy right there? Don't look at him right now. Now look at him. He's not looking.

That guy used to pitch for the Troy Tigers. Look at him now. He goes, what's the biggest sin in life? And I would repeat it with him. Wasted talent. You found your niche. You found what your destiny was. You never gave up on it.

And that's the respect I have for you as war. As you sometimes you make dice clay look calm as war. You still have a fit. You achieved your plateau because you didn't give up. I wanted to be a pilot as a kid or a marine biologist. I became a pilot. I did what I wanted to do. I never gave up on that dream.

And that's a credit to who and where we came from. Yeah, you got to fucking shoot me with a bazooka. I've said it a thousand times, bro. I come, you know, and the funny thing is, I repeat this a thousand times. When I go to meet with somebody, where I go to an audition, Mike, when I go to do comedy, right before I walk in, there's a fucking doubt of insecurity. Well, you know what? That's that stage fright and intimidation.

No, that's just who we are. But that that keeps you. But you know what, Joe, that's what makes you go out there and try so much. Oh, please, no, little trigger. Please, that's because that's what you know why? Because with that insecurity that we have for a second is because of what I just said. We will never be failures. It's not in our genetic makeup.

It's not going to happen. It's not what we were. OK, it's not what we did. It's I mean, watching Dara Rago walk down fucking Kenny Boulevard with a microwave on his shoulder at three or more than the cops ask him where he's going, and he says, I'm going home to cook. And they laugh and keep driving. They know what they didn't even get my ride.

They know what he was doing. But that's that was the way it was. We were straight up here. This is what I'm going to do. And that's it. It's amazing that I have that doubt. And then, Mike, I realize I'm from fucking North Bergen, New Jersey, and I've seen worse.

What's the worst neck to fucking happen? What's what you have a bad night? What's the worst in the fucking world? But it's happened to little of us. We all had bad days. I mean, I'm not like the idiots the other day when I flew for the airline and landed at the wrong airport and I put on my Facebook. You know, that truck driving school is still taking application.

That's amazing. Southwest. They did that to me last week, American Airlines. We landed in Chicago and let it goes, OK, welcome to Dallas. Let me give you your gates. And I'm sitting there going, was I that fucking stoned? I got on the flight to Dallas and I called the ride over and she came over. But you said an interesting thing, Mike.

You really said an interesting thing that when I was a kid, Mike, from the age of five, I knew what my mother did. And I would lie to you and I would lie to the people I listened to the show. You know, my mother was a businesswoman. You know, she took book in the city. She had a bank, but that big, big money and her addiction was blow. And it was and I seen it at the age of five.

I saw it in our apartment when we lived on 89th and Riverside Drive. We lived on Riverside Drive in 1970. Mike, we got to be a Jew to live on Riverside Drive. It'll be a fucking dentist or a fucking lawyer. And here's this. Yeah, so so when you moved in there, a single mother with a son moved in there of Cuban descent, I mean, people must have been looking down there. No, saying, well, you know, oh, there goes the neighbor.

I remember she used to do back then. She used to do santeria in that apartment. That's why I was introduced to santeria and had to kill a chicken and a goat one time up there. And I remember sneaking the goat on the elevator and it was filled with Jews and they were all looking at each other and here's my mom with the goat. Like, how are you doing? Happy Hanukkah. Fuck you, motherfucker, it's pulling the goat off like it was nothing.

There's no hay in it. What are you complaining about? It was it was. But I always knew Mike and one of the things she used to say was always show me the three monkeys, meet all your guy, your eyes, cover your ears, you know, evil, you know, evil and speak. No, we used to. And our expression was, oh, my God, stay in your own lane.

Mind your business. Mind your fucking business. You pulled up on the corner and somebody was getting ass whipping. If it wasn't a friend of yours and you had no dog in that fight, you mind your business. You don't say it's my father always said this and I'm sure your mother did too. We would get a fight. Carmine would come and get us out of jail in another town when we were kids.

Always because of fighting. No drugs, no robbing, just fights. Me, Jimmy and Steve, the three amigos always in trouble. And the first question would be, did he drink? And Jimmy and Steve would look at my father and go, no, bear, he didn't drink. It was his idea to start. We would drink. And then he'd say, if you got a black guy, yeah, he better have to.

That was what he would say. You stand next to your friends. You always stand by them if they won't shut your mouth, but you stand with them. But when they, if they're right and they come home with a black guy, you better have to. That was the way he was. You stand by your friends. An Italian, you know, the name was Stuposto. Stand up.

And that was what they were. They had to have the whole, all my Italian relatives in Hoboken. That's what they would say about my father and say, that was the ultimate compliment you would have as an Italian, Stuposto. Well, Stuposto yourself, Cocksucker. You know, I love you. Love you too. Hey,

nothing, it's a happy new year to you and your family. You know, I love you and I'm happy it's still my friend after fucking 40 years. You know what I'm saying? That's you're more than a friend. You're like a brother. Always, always. I'm happy you called in today and we'll talk over the weekend, Cocksucker. God bless you when you listen.

God bless you too, brother and all the listeners and stay black and keep talking about the Kenyan on Facebook. I love it. Mike Duffie. Bula. Bula. Yeah. Bye bye.

Bye, buddy. That's fucking craziness. I loved just seeing your face when you said Kenyan care and I just saw your eyes let up because now I know why you're friends with them. You're friends with them for like the second half of that conversation. But the first 10 minutes, you just get a kick out of it because he gets so riled up and I love getting riled up with him. No, this kid in North Bergen care.

Listen, man, I'm a North Bergen guy all the way and it breaks my heart when they do those pages and they don't talk about what it was really about. You know, and they mentioned shit. I'm sure people started somebody put some on the other day and they erased it, by the way, you know, but it just breaks my heart because I take that place sacred and what it really gave to me. Let me give some shout outs to my main man, Doug Marino, my main man, Greg Fuentes, Tommy Brooms, Albert Hansen, Nick Cutter,

Zach Elliott, Louis B.A. I love you and the great motherfucking Ali J.D. Source guy, Matt Balthazar. What are you fucking nuts or what? And as usual, how about a shout out to my main motherfuckers over at honor, taking care of bitches. Thank God I got the fucking shroom tech thank God I got the alpha brain. I'm back. I'm focused.

My eyeballs won't have no blood in them. Look at the alpha brain takes the blood right out of it. Don't let the reef of blood go to your fucking eyeballs and shit. I love honor. So just remember they having the sweepstakes. So go to honor slash sweepstakes and join in. You too could go to Robbie Lawler fight and Dallas against Fidel. It's going to be a great fucking card.

Also, I want to give a shout out to my main motherfucking sponsors, Hulu Plus. I love you guys. I love what you do. I love I tell you what I love the most about Hulu Plus between honor and Hulu Plus. I get the most emails from people saying thank you. Hulu Plus, you're fucking great. And that's why I hope you stay around forever because I'm not even pushing you. It's I'm just passing you along.

People are saying thank you for fucking doing this. I never knew for 799. You get unlimited fucking Hulu. You can watch it on your iPhone, iPad, I foot, I shoe, I eyeball. You go watch it everywhere. TV shows, movies, original programming, 799 a month. That's $96 a year. And to get the party started, I'm going to throw you two weeks for fucking free because that's how we roll here on the church of what's happened now.

Go to joeydeers.net. Look at the tour schedule and at the same time, go to Hulu Plus and press Joey. In the box. There you go. Joey, bam, in the fucking box, get two weeks for free. Give me a credit card, do the fucking 799 a month. You're not going to regret it. OK, it's like on it on it right now. It has the fucking get it, stay on it program.

But you get 20% off a month and they automatically fucking send you the thing in a rotation once a fucking month. You can't beat that. Anna is trying everything they can to get you fucking healthy. This morning I had to have chocolate shake. You see me hungry? No, I just blasted the father life and it's really got no fucking whiff to it. It's almost like a little cocoa powder.

I'm sure it may be a fucking chicken cutlet. No, it doesn't. You can't smell it. So go to honor.com, press what in the box? Church, C-H-U-R-C-H, bam, just like that. And get your motherfucking shit together. Get your head on right. Get it straight because you only live fucking ones. Take care of yourself.

Cox, I could be a good friend to yourself for years. I didn't take care of myself. I'm like, I got the residuals on my titties. I got marks on my fucking face and snorting coke and picking my face. Take care of yourself. That's all Uncle Joey asked you to take care of yourself. Write your goals, do your jumping jacks, eat your oatmeal and get ready. Stab a bitch because it's fucking tough out there for a fucking hip.

You know what I'm saying? Yes, it is. What is it, Lee? What is it, Cox? Nothing. What do you mean, nothing? You got nothing for me? I got everything for you. What do you got? We had a great, we had a Mike Bataille comic. We had him from Breaking Bad on Flying Jouer deal the other day.

How was it? Did you have a nice time? Yeah, it was a great time. You're interviewing skills are on point. I'm here in the sugar league. What can I say? Compete with some fucking people on television. I mean, I'm 60 minutes. 60 fucking minutes.

I love it. I love that he called. I love that my friends get to share some shit with us from time to time and just show you, you know, they know fucking fun and games here. But I was really insulted yesterday at the park. I don't know why I really took it seriously. And you figure out why a kid's a little weaker. I look at kids and I go, what the fuck?

And that's why, because the fucking parents are figuring out what the fuck they want to do. So how are you going to? If you don't have a good fucking foundation at the house, these fucking kids are going to go up and be half a fax to like walk around like Momos, fuck that shit. You know, I look at my friends, kids. I look at those kids. Those kids are solid because Josh will fucking stay on that fucking kid.

Josh will really fucking stay on that kid. You know, he steals booze from Josh from time to time and shit. And that's what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to I don't want a fucking kid that's half dead. I want the kid to push the fucking envelope a little bit to show me he's alive, to show me he's got fucking hope. Hope, motherfuckers, hope, bitch. What's up, Lee? I'm all excited.

I know. Have you talked to Terry and it's years away? But what are you going to do about like internet and cell phones? Because I I I can't tell you how many people I've seen on Twitter who are like eight and ten and I'm doing videos for that young and. It's like they're sending like this. Well, there's there's this one guy on Twitter called Hunter Moore. Do you remember that a year, a couple of years ago? There's this website where people were sending nudes and and this guy's

think he got shut down or sold his side or whatever. He's like a 20 year old guy who who had girls sending him naked pictures of themselves and I can't imagine and I go to his page sometimes on Twitter and like 16 year old girls are saying when I turn 18, I'm going to send Hunter Moore nudes to put online and it's just like they all call him father. It's really weird. It's like I can't imagine what it's going to be like, especially if you don't feed the cat at home, he's going to go out and play in the garbage.

Yeah. If you don't feed the fucking cat at home, he's going to go out and play in the fucking garbage. When you have any child, it's very important. You know, I think of the 20 situations I got myself. As a kid, but guess what? I got myself into him because I get myself out of him. Do you understand me as a kid?

I pushed the envelope a little bit, but I was able to get myself out of it. From the lessons my mother taught me and the little things, you know, one was that don't even talk to them. Don't even talk to these motherfuckers. I don't even get involved. Don't even get involved in their world when they come up to you and tell you their story about how they're just looking for help or come to their apartment. Listen, I can't help you.

You want to help me go talk to my mother? She's on 29th Street and Burger Line in that bar. They were shut the fuck down. There's just so many fucking things, Lee, that I like to pass on to my daughter and just in case I die and I can't, I would want that out. You know, when I first had Jackie, my first daughter, I wanted so many things for her. You know, and what do you want for your kids?

You want them to be healthy. You want them to get along with other children, but you also want them to fucking get their own back. You want them to be able to take care of themselves. And something ever happens. You know, when Tonya Messina called here, Dr. Tonya. She talked about when, you know, she would take her kids when they were young and stop them in the street and go, what would happen right now if you lost mommy?

What would you do? What would you run to? Who would you call? What number? How much money do you have in your pocket? You know, you have to have your kid prepared. I remember I was at a. I was at two conservative comics. I dropped their fucking faggy names at a dinner one night. This is way before I had mercy.

Your way before mercy was even thinking again, conceived. And they were talking about their kids and they asked me some stupid fucking conservative questions, which they didn't want the answer to. They didn't want the answer I was going to give them, but they just wanted to test my knowledge, it seemed like. And I told them that my mom wasn't the best mom in the world, but she did something that was very important. I was prepared.

When she left as hard as I didn't want it to be for her to be gone. There was a point where I had to kiss her goodbye. And it was that last night awake. I knew that everything she taught me was going to be in effect right now. And if I think back for years, I was angry at my mom for dying and God for taking her. But I was thankful about the things she taught me, because at 15, I was able to cover the spread. Do you know what I'm saying, Lincoln? Like I was really able to cover the spread.

I wouldn't have been able to. I had good parents, but at 15, they never prepare you for that. And, you know, I feel bad for mercy. Mercy's going to grow up with older parents, which is going to mean that she's going to have an old soul. I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it's a great thing. It's a good thing, but I didn't look at it.

You know, last week we were talking about something and I said something to you about I giggled that year about going to Fenway and taking pictures in that conversation. That's what I didn't have as a kid. I overlooked those things because when you're an adult, you overlook those things. You forget to love those things when you're a kid. You have to get that love as a kid. I didn't have that when I was eight and nine. I was thinking about other things.

Yeah, like baseball. But I was thinking about other things when I was 14 and 15 and we're printing up fake fucking lottery tickets, you know, those football pools, you know, and we're passing them out and shit like that. I mean, that was where my mind was. I was into making money because I had to make money at 15. At 15, a kid should be thinking about money. He should be thinking about how he should get money from his parents to get sneakers.

And the rest of the time, he should be worried about school and his favorite team and his favorite colors because you only have one fucking life. And that's what I went through. I grew up too fucking fast. I didn't smell a lot of roses, so I don't have appreciation for them. But I know that going in. I know that. I think having older parents isn't it's not like because now people live longer.

So I think you're going to be a better parent than not not even if even if Jackie wasn't in the picture, then you would have been 20 years ago. I think I don't think I think you wouldn't. You won't make the same mistakes. You're going to appreciate it more. Yeah, but it's it's weird that that's the most important thing to me. Is to let her know that she could take care of herself. You know, that was very important to me.

This book is very hard for me to write because at times I shut it down for a week because the pain is too much. The pain of the realization of what really happened. You know, I was allowed to stay out at night. You know, and then part of me said, oh, maybe my mother didn't love me. And she let me stay out till midnight because there was only three of the 50 kids. I'm not what that could stay out till late. But at the same time, she was preparing me that there is a night time.

And this is what happens at midnight. This is the people I knew after midnight, not to stop, not to talk to nobody, not to make eye contact, keep your fingers in your hands, get ready to punch somebody. You know, she prepared me for those little things. You know, when I get up in the morning at five and come over in the car, it's dark out. And there's times I'm walking on the street by myself. You could jump me and have 15 minutes before another car pulls up. Yes, but what doesn't scare me is I've been in that position before.

You know, when it's life. And so, yeah, today we went off in the tangent about raising kids or whatever. But this is raising yourself also. Yeah, this is about raising your fucking self also, your awareness, what the fuck is going on, getting up, writing the fucking goals, smoking some reefer and making it happen for yourself on a fucking daily basis. Fuck, Joel Osteen. God is great, but he ain't there walking with your hand in hand.

You got to walk by yourself. And that's your uncle Joey and the fucking flying. You come in and on it and Hulu Plus. Don't forget this Friday and Saturday. I'm at the Melrose Improv the week after that Thursday, Friday, Saturday, House of Comedy in Minneapolis in the fucking mall. Get your tickets now and the Wednesday after that, me and Lee Syat, the Flying Jew live podcast, 8 p.m.

The Ice House, the first one of the fucking year. Get out there. Tickets are cheaper to Wednesday night. Who gives a fuck? You're two weeks away from Valentine's Day. You might as well take her out for the first date. So by Valentine's Day, you're eating that ass. And then the first thing I noticed, I didn't realize this yesterday. You're only doing one show a night at the Improv.

You're not doing it. I thought it was two shows a night. It's an eight o'clock show. No, eight o'clock show. That's it. I'm out of that. So yeah, tickets are going to go fast. Done. You're done out of there at 10 o'clock. You go jump up and down, go to a VIP to help people. You're an artist. I don't give a fuck. But hopefully not.

Hopefully you'll stick around and smoke some reefer. The Flying Jew's going to be eatin' edibles. He's going to be all this bronchialis. How long have you eaten an edible now? A monthly? Probably, yeah. Oh, I can't. I can't imagine doing it with this. You know what I hope? Boomi Baz and I do the other time, your fucking ears.

Look, you get sick just thinkin' about it. Look at it. Oh, no. Because even when I'm even when I'm normal, I can feel like my I can feel my like swallowing when I'm on that stuff. So I can't imagine what the cost. And don't forget the 24 hour podcast right now is going on for my main man, Yuck Nasty. Yeah, hopefully I'll be calling into Mike Maxwell's podcast,

depending on how long this fucking thing goes at 11 o'clock. What's the number for the 24 hour podcast? Let me find it for you right now. But it's if you can go to GoFundMe slash Yuck Nasty. Let me find the number for you guys. Um, and I called in last night and I if you want, go to go to download and I and you can I'm auctioning off a call to find your radio and me helping out with a podcast or my underwear for

for 250. 250. I said 250 clean, 500 dirty. And what's dirty consist of a skid mark? I said, I said, I walk around with you for a day and and and I'd give it to him. I'm going to tell him it's must have it up, right? Fuck. You'll admit to shake those motherfuckers. Here we go. I love you.

I miss my girl. All right. The phone number is 619-963-3124. Calling right now. Yuck Nasty donated a dollar. If everybody donates a dollar from the church, this kid will have his fucking thing. He can move in his kid. They can have a fucking couch in a refrigerator and live like normal fucking

Puerto Ricans. You understand me? So do us all a favor. What's the fun thing? Cut the shit. You don't have time. You may not have time. Let's cut to the fucking chase.

Okay. Or the church donated. All we're asking is one fucking thing. A dollar. One dollar. Just do us that favor. One dollar on your ATM club, on your ATM club or out of your paypal, they ain't going to make you a fucking break you, okay?

I put it on my ATM card. There was no fucking problem. So please donate to Yuck Nasty. One fucking dollar. If today, if it means not going to fucking Hulu and putting it off till tomorrow or something like that, Hulu won't get mad. They're still there all week. A dollar ain't going to do dick for you.

A dollar for Yuck Nasty. That's the word of the day. A dollar for fucking Yuck Nasty. That's the word of the day. I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black. We got some music. Before we let you go, naturebox.com for the snacks while you're

watching the 24-hour podcast. No, naturebox is only Monday this week. Oh, never mind. Naturebox is only Monday. But take care of them anyway. Naturebox is a good company. You're up in Cummins. I've been getting some good fucking feedback on the snacks.

The snacks are delicious. So I wouldn't bullshit you again. Go to joeydears.net. Click on the Naturebox. Get 50% off on your first order. Remember, they're a subscription service. So once you sign up, you get the same order if you want it every month or they'll mix it up for you on their own on what's hot and what your preferences are.

Go to naturebox.com right now on the joeycocodears.net page and go fucking crazy toward dates on there. Knock yourself the fuck out. We love you. Have a great day. Be safe. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC,

smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeydears.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. We want to be crazy in this land. 20 hours on a spiel. Bring your kids here for just a story. Born a flower through the hills. I don't know what I believe in.

And no one's to blame. Children have a season for the land. Sorry. What's so sorry? Sorry. Man, it's morning. Now we've grown it upside down. And it helps me understand we're getting off our job.

And now we're just a little too late. I don't call a designer. Mindless families. Everything is on fire. A cheap pile of debris. California's just dying. Five o'clock for the news. Everybody's coming to find us.

Sorry. What's so sorry? Sorry. Man, it's morning. Now we've grown it upside down. And it helps me understand we're getting off our job. And now we're just a little too late. I don't call a designer.

I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer.

I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. I don't call a designer. Thank you.