Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #143 | JESSIMAE PELUSO | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, March 2nd.... Today we caught up with the Great, JESSIMAE PELUSO! https://linktr.ee/Jessimae This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by FreezePipe, Manscaped & DraftKings….. Go to https://www.TheFreezePipe.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY For 10% OFF your 1st Order! Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/DIAZ - PROMO CODE: DIAZ 20% Off & FREE SHIPPING! Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use promo code JOEY to get $100 in free bets when you bet just $1 on UFC 272! If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP(AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #JessimaePeluso The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday. March the motherfucking second. A beautiful day to be alive. The joint is brought to you by FreezePipe. The best. You get a nice cold hit every time. Here's how it works. The pipe comes with a detachable chamber that you freeze beforehand.

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The joint is also brought to you by Manscaped. Listen, if you're like me, you know, your balls smell fucking gross, alright? But Uncle Joey and Manscaped are sending you to fucking showers. While you're in there, Manscaped is turning men's showers, dreams, into a favorite routine with an all-new premium fucking collection. Save big by going to Manscaped.com for 20% off and free shipping with code D-A-S-D-I-A-Z. Listen to me. My shower is tremendous. I get up in the mornings. I fucking brush my teeth. I gargle. I wash. I fucking do my face with that, whatever. Then I hit the fucking lawnmower 4.0.

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What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the fucking joint. It's Wednesday, March the motherfucking second. A beautiful fucking day to be alive. I'm feeling good. Nothing's going on. We did a fucking zoom today. Listen, you know me, guys. I don't fucking like zooms too much. That's why I come on in and bore you to death for fucking every week. But this week we had to go for a zoom. Next week I'm getting a couple zooms because listen, I can't do all the fucking talking. You know what I'm saying? I need somebody to fucking break me down and make me laugh and entertain me also.

So we had a good fucking zoom today. So without further ado, I'm just going to bring it up because listen, I've been over here talking to you motherfuckers, breaking your fucking ears. Somebody sent me a picture that he had bleeding and shit like that. You know, I've been giving tremendous ear beatings. I don't want to give a fucking ear beating, alright? You don't have to tell me, Joey, give it a fucking breather. So without further ado, I'm going to give you a Jessame Paluso.

We've been talking throughout the whole pandemic. I kept in touch with her because she's one of my dear friends in LA and you know, she lost her mom during the pandemic. So I kept in touch with her pretty much and she was ready to come on the joint. So I told her, I said, come on whenever you want to. She said, let's do a zoom next week. So here we fucking are. So without further ado, a little Jessame Paluso.

Let's join. Hi, cutie. What's up, beautiful? Oh, you look so cute. Look at your fucking beautiful. What's happening? What's going on, beautiful? It's been a long time.

Long fucking time. I like that one. Richard Pryor behind you. Yeah, I got that beautiful. Got a little Johnny Cash up here. Johnny Cash. Your girl smoking a joint. I see.

What's been going on, beautiful? A xenophobic right there. What the fuck is that? A xenophobic. It's from the movie Alien. And then it makes another alien in your belly. Tremendous. Fucking tremendous.

You look beautiful, Jess. Thank you. I was working out before and this is my sports bra and I was like, you know, this is kind of cute and for your male viewers, they can see a little quarantine boobies. A little cleavage. Yeah, a little quarantine cleavage.

Actually, we're out of quarantine now, I guess. We're out of everything. It's over. That's it. I knew it. I fucking knew it. How long can they milk it for? People weren't fucking dancing to their tune no more. We weren't dancing to their tune.

So, COVID was either they were going to fucking tighten shit and then a riot was going to ensue. Eventually, look what happened in Canada with the fucking truckers. I thank them because I think they're the ones that really woke up the fucking world because

they were going to do it in LA for the soup bowl and trucks fucking blocking everything. You motherfuckers want to impose shit on us? We'll impose shit on you. It was brave of them to do that in Canada. They were, you know, But look what's going on.

All of a sudden, all the masks just disappeared. That's it. Saturday, I got invited to a light mask and fucking party like where you light them on fire and shit. But my mask, I can't even let them. I put a mask on. I could smell weed and fucking see juice in my mask.

The fucking breathing is yellow. I'm not lighting those on fire. I'm saving those. And if I ever run out of weed, I just cut them up and smoke those fucking masks. It is. I was at a spot. I was in Palm Springs doing some shrooms over the weekend and on the tail end of

my high trip, I saw ice cream spot. So I went to go get some ice cream. And this is Sunday. It's the day before the masks are going to be lifted. And I go inside just mask free. I'm like, oh, it's Sunday. It's an ice cream shop. They'll be cool. They're not going to fucking worry about it.

And it's these two young kids behind the counter. And I was like, I'll have this little ice cream giving that chocolate joint on a cone. He's like, I can't serve you without a mask. And I said, really? He's like, yeah, and you have to buy one. I was like, fuck. And if I wasn't stoned, I wouldn't have cared

because I really wanted that fucking ice cream. So I had to buy a mask. And then he hands me the ice cream cone. I just assume I take the mask off and I assume I can eat it because it's a fucking ice cream shop. No. He said, you have to put your mask back on. I was like, we got to stop this shit.

I'm so glad it's over. It's fucking over. Once I got it in my mind, it was over. Like, I'm like, the fear has been lifted. We survived. I had 20 fucking friends that had it. I got a friend up in North Bergen. They had it three fucking times.

Three times. They had it in the apple. They need to get a fucking immune system because to get it three fucking times. Oh, he's hanging out at the wrong goddamn places. Yeah. Where's he going? Who's he looking? He sounds vulnerable. But at the same time, you know,

I don't know what was going on. I'm not going to even get into it. I'm just happy to see you, but it's fucking over. You look fantastic. You really do. I love the silver. You're a silver fox. Oh, yeah. It got silvery. I'm old. You look rich as fuck.

Yeah, rich. Yeah, good. Rich. Rich in what? Fucking fat cells. You look so good. You really do. You look like you own a yacht. That's the kind of face you got right now. I'm fucking sleeping. I'm drinking a lot of water.

I'm not talking to agents. That keeps you young. You don't have to listen to that bullshit. I'm just enjoying time with my fucking daughter. You know, for a year, it took me a year to acclimate to this type of life. Yeah. And then I realized I haven't had this life since I was 16.

You know, I'm Joey. I'm running and gunning every day. You know, we're running. My mother died. I didn't have a day of peace. I was out at night. So this is the first time I've had peace in fucking 40 years.

So I just want to feel like to you. What's it feel like to me? Yeah, what's peace feel like if you could describe it to someone who's never had it? You know what peace is to me? That isn't much to people. My daughter comes down at night at like 10 30. She waits for my wife to go upstairs

and falls asleep. Then she sneaks downstairs and we watch a cooking show. And then we'll watch something else for a half hour and I'll send her up at 11 30. But while we're sitting in that while I'm sitting in my old man chair and she's laying on the couch.

I'm watching a cartoon or whatever the fuck the cooking challenge. But I'm really not watching it. I'm just basking in the joy of watching TV with my daughter at 10 30 at night talking about it. We're going to go upstairs and get a snack. We got any girls got cookies left.

Yeah, I'll go get one. She went up and got a s'mores from me and her. That to me is something I always wanted to do. You know what I mean? That's what I always wanted to do. So that's really beautiful. And that's the equivalent of beauty to me. Me going to the softball games

me driving to the kickboxing. Are people drive now because you you're in Jersey now. Are people like the locals coming up to you or are people giving you space? Like how are you finding that with being the celebrity in town?

No, it's 50 50. I've been here for a long time now. So I went, you know, I got out of the car and went right to the fucking field and saw people and got the initial reactions from them. Now they just wave at me and say hello I'm part of a community now.

So they don't look at me as a dirty comic or anything, you know, they just think I'm retired or I quit. I'm not doing it for right now. I don't know what they think, but it's a nice place. I got Jimmy Florentine around the corner. I called him the other day

and I thanked him. I said, thank you. The other day, just Saturday, we were talking he was in Florida. Thank you for fucking turning me on to this fucking community and he took me to all his places. So he opened up the door for me at the vitamin store at the gym, you know,

you got to hook up on glucosamine. Oh yeah, that's funny. You say glucosamine. Yeah, yeah. The health food store I go to the guy I can't even describe him to. He's a friend of Jimmy's. He's this guy that he's done everything in that health food store.

Do you understand? He's eating every pill, every crayton, every fucking quick trip CBD every time I go in there this guy's got a fucking new idea, but he's solid. He hooked me up with the acupuncturist. I mean, the guy's been there

for close to 50 years. His mother owned that health food store before. So all you got to do is go in there. He hooked me up with a vitamin, my COVID package the fucking CBD Delta 8's and Delta 9's. Yeah, I get those Delta 8's and Delta 9's.

That's the only way to fly these days, baby. He's got everything in there. And I just go to him and say, I need a vitamin for an over 50 year old man. He's like, if you're a 55, I give you this. But since you're 59, I'm going to give you that. He knows his shit. That's awesome.

So I take a nutrient every day like vitamins and when I swallow them, it's like swallowing 22 black dicks, a dead one, and a Ukrainian one. It tastes so bad when I swallow them and when I do the first burp, I almost pass out from the taste of that fucking multivitamin.

But, you know what? I handle it and then you piss yellow all day. I piss at night and it glows in the fucking dark. My wife saw it the other night. She's like, you got to go to the hospital. I take this fucking multivitamin. So she read it. She goes, Jesus Christ, no wonder you're pissing that color.

This has everything in there, plus like 100%. Yeah, it makes your pee definitely look like a glow stick. Yeah, you just fucking pee the fuck out. What am I going to do? I got fucking problems. You know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to keep it together. I'm smoking

good dope. Now you and I spoke and you were saying how you sort of evolved your smoking habits a little bit. Yeah, I had to when I got here because of my anxiety and other things. So I switched it around. What did you switch it to?

I didn't smoke. I gave it up for about eight months. I really went under my threshold. No edibles, no nothing. And then I started huge tolerance break. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. And it was fucking much needed.

And it was very good. And I'll tell you what, I think I'm going to do another tolerance break here for about 90 days. No, maybe 90 days is all you need. I don't think I could do fucking eight months again. That was a lucky thing. I was withdrawing.

I had the pain pills, my knee surgery. So it was kind of easy to do it. I don't think I could do. But three months feels good. I don't listen right now. If I smoke eight bomb hits a day, that's too much. I haven't rolled a joint in months.

It's just not worth it. The weed we get, you don't need to roll joints. You just throw fucking weed away. So you look so beautiful. You look like you matured. What's been going on in your life? Talk to me. I rested. I've been sleeping more for one.

I mean, you're talking about sleep. I don't know if it's like an age thing, but damn, if I don't get a certain number of hours of sleep, I can't function in society. I can't function mentally. I've been sleeping more. I've got a little

action past couple weeks. I just kind of feel like, we were sort of talking about relationships and how difficult it is to date in this town. I had this conversation with my sister. I kind of feel like I don't really...

I'm almost 40. I'm 39. And I don't have that drive to be in a white dress. I don't have that drive or desire to have a child right now. And I know people are probably like, oh, you better fucking hurry up.

Look, that mentality is back in the day. Now people are healthier. We're living longer. So the idea of a woman having a child at 40, early 40s, it seems maybe taboo to some people because of how we're living now, it's more possible and probable.

My wife had hers at 44. See? Scary, for sure. Scary, really. The time over 40, the more years over, like Janet Jackson had a kid at 50. Do you think you could have that kid? No. You don't have $10 million to

pay for a fucking van soon and a nurse and a witch doctor. You gotta have 30 fucking people to have a kid when you're fucking 50 gyms and a doctor has to come over every day and check your ass whole cent and your oxygen. So she had the kid, but it cost her

a lot of fucking money. Yeah, the older you get, the more expensive it definitely gets. That's a really good point. But I don't have the drive for any of it. I don't know if quarantine changed it for me or losing my mom changed it for me, but I feel like

I don't want to settle for anything, so I just sort of feel like singlehood is where I'm at right now in life and I'm feeling comfortable with that. That's okay for now. See, society puts all this pressure on women

to be fucking married and then women take that pressure. They fucking don't know what to do. Their friends are getting married, your sister got married, this jerk off got married to the richest guy in the world. He's having a wedding on a boat. And here you are in Albany doing jokes

for a bunch of fucking boogooches there, so it fucking weighs on you when you look around and see what's going on to the people's like, but I gotta tell you what you're doing that other people aren't doing. You're living your life. Yeah, that's true. I'm exploring

and traveling and creating things. Those things become your family. Those things become your children. Those things sort of take up residence in a different way in your life. And I think also going through

you've experienced so much in your life, so I know you can relate to all different types of losses and trauma and stuff like that. It really has made me realize that it's okay to say no to shit. It's okay to not want to put up with bare minimum

bullshit. And I think until I lost my mom I didn't realize how much shit I was putting up with. It was like I was blind to it. And now I look back and like, why was I even giving any sort of

attention to those toxic things in people? So it feels good in that sense to be free of feeling like I need to accommodate every single person in this world that previously I would have given entertainment to and now I don't. How long has your mom been passed away for it now?

It was a year in November. Yes, a year in November. About 16 months, 17 months right now. How are you feeling? I feel lighter for the first time in a long time. I feel more present and I didn't even realize it and I wonder

if you've gone through these experiences or times in your life where you don't even know you're depressed. You have no idea. You're just like going through the motions and just surviving and then until you get out of that you go, oh shit

that was depression functioning from a point of survival and not being fully present and just sort of grasping at everything is what I was doing until last November, the year anniversary

of my mom, until then did I realize I was depressed for like a full... I don't know, I think on and off for years my dad died in 2018 and I feel like I've just been sort of surviving and coming up for air since 2017 when he was sick because he was sick

and then he died and you know dealing with the death and loss it's so heavy and it's such a revolving evolving process then quarantine hit and then my mom died so I feel like I've just been in this like fucking wash

cycle, this emotional wash cycle where anytime I've come up for air I'm put back down and now I feel like I am breathing out of the the tumultuous part of it all so I feel

like more present and just I feel like it's the first time where I know who I am that's what it feels like to me I feel really calm, really present and because of that similarly to you I'm

smoking less, I do love weed but I'm smoking less but I also do edibles, I microdose on psilocybin and I've done that through the entirety of you know the past four years so I do have ways of using things in medicines that make me, that help me

feel balanced but I'm using a lot less of those things and I think that is definitely indicative of me feeling a little bit more grounded like my feet are planted and not like I'm kicking in water anymore so you're grieving both your mom and your dad and you know

that this takes a long time maybe that's why you're not in a rush to look for a fucking man, I have a child because you have no, she got no grandmother, the kid's not gonna have a grandmother on this side, you know what I'm saying so I think about that a lot

yeah, right now you know you just had two serious deaths and it's weird, you didn't get a chance to grieve one and then the other one died because grieving doesn't take two fucking weeks people have no idea that grieving doesn't take two weeks grieving hides at that

funeral, he hides when the casket goes in the grave and it makes you think you're okay it makes you think you're okay, like you even start going what the fuck my mother could have died twice and I don't even miss it it's fucking weird like for me, I gotta tell you this is the most

disturbing story of my life fuck the kidnapping fuck bottles of people pussy fuck kidnap or robin hookers I think the most disturbing thing I ever ever, ever fucking went through

was my mom died November 8th, right so I was cool all of November I was like damn I don't even miss this bitch I mean I miss her fucking cooking but I really don't miss her

then I went to see Judas Priest November 29th and the wall came out that weekend so the wall kind of took my mind away like it picked up where I should have started missing her after two weeks but the wall took me through the whole month of December and I remember

that I was fucking hating Christmas I didn't even think of what Christmas felt like right? yes Christmas Eve came nothing Christmas Day came nothing I was like

fuck I'm gonna go talk to a priest because I don't even think I love my mother I mean it was horrible what I felt it was like just another day Christmas I thought I was gonna break down and now you know when it hit me like a night before New Year's

I was at my friend's house party getting warmed up for New Year's the night before New Year's just a little warm up and that song came on Mother by Pink Floyd on Side 1 oh yeah and I had to listen to it you know my mother dying I had put it on

put it on put it on but for some reason this night I couldn't breathe I went outside dawg and I just started puking and crying and the puking carried me all the way home I was like on 70th Street I had to walk to 39th Street it's fucking 10 degrees is 11 you know and I'm

walking puking and crying and the tears would freeze on my face and I walked she was on a hill a cemetery on the hill and I remember that I jumped the fence because I didn't believe she was dead I was like she ain't dead they're playing a trick on me

even though you saw her at the wake for four fucking days even though you saw them close the lid even though you saw them fucking put her in the hole I ran to the cemetery I tried to dig her out with my hands the fucking concrete was frozen

and I remember I caught myself and I was just babbling crying like the tears, saliva boogies coming out of my nose I jumped the fence and I ran to my house because I used to fucking always go maybe she came home maybe I don't know maybe she got lost on the bus

I don't fucking know and I would sit there and wait for her at night on the stairs and I actually was the one that I even knocked on the door I believe it and I was like alright I'm going fucking crazy I can't do this anymore and that

I've always remembered that night like it's fucking tattooed in my fucking soul how much pain I was in and after that the pain just didn't go away for years and it escalated oh my god it was horrible

and it would go away and then at night it would come back because you were busy the night you're busy all day you're like I got over her death and all of a sudden you walk in your house you take a shower you're alone and it fucking lands on you

like a fucking hammer sure does the night time is the worst time and then I was doing drugs and I was you know mugging people whatever the fuck I was doing then the deep the deep came in 84

and that's how I ended up homeless in a fucking park living in a rocket ship because the pain was unbearable and then I was okay I was leveled but 42 years later there's still a little bit of pain and it's like I tell

people and their parents that I go you're gonna make it but it's like food anything you eat from now on it's not gonna have salt on it that's the way your life feels like it's missing salt and I've always said that so grieving takes fucking years

years it's a long time and you might grieve your mom first yeah you might grieve your mom first and come to terms with it but one day you might have a cocktail and smoke a joint and all of a sudden you open up your dad's and now you gotta grieve that motherfucking you're like what the fuck how am I thinking of him he died three years before

my mom so grieving is a fucking mental nightmare because it's like it feels like boot camp for your soul and it's so individualized you know there's like that Kubler-Ross method of

or the stages of grief but for me you know the stages obviously aren't linear and there's other things that occur that happen that aren't even a part of what is supposed to happen to you and the other thing that was

fucked up for us is because of COVID and a lot of people experience this we could have a funeral so we didn't get to go through that like normal tradition of which is a healthy process to see them dead

like you said see them be buried see them in the casket one of the reasons for that is so that we can identify them as being dead and having some levity with that and connection with that helps us understand that they are in fact dead and even

for you you know it was unbelievable for you and that's how strong grief is but we didn't have that so there was a real the disbelief time for me lasted for months I was like this bitch isn't calling me back where is this bitch

she doesn't want to go to marshals and she don't want a day drink and go to marshals what she's got a life now part of me was like oh she's so it's really crazy how you get your mind like the man said the mind playing tricks on you your mind

really fucking plays and once you go through that shit you also learn that what Rambo said was true the fucking mind is the most unique thing in the world the fuck computers your mind could do so many fucking things it's like when you don't want to do something

all of a sudden you start getting tired or man I don't feel good that's your fucking mind playing games with you you know when you read the art of war not the one by Sun Tzu but the other guy that talks about writing have you ever read that one the war of art or whatever the war of art

they talk about that how your mind you know fuck I forgot what I was gonna say to you I gotta stop smoking this fucking reef no you were saying how your mind is a thing that creates everything and how your mind is like the most powerful thing and it's you're right like

literally it's the same thing is if you believe it you can achieve it what that's saying is if you can create or muster up something in your mind it becomes your reality our thoughts become our world and it's wild how

anything within that can sort of create a reality whether it's a reality that's close to what's actually going on or us thinking our parents are still alive we're thinking those thoughts and we might seem crazy to other people because our reality that's our truth in that moment

because our brain isn't you know it's so powerful that it creates whatever that world is it really is like your mind is unbelievable you know I was reading about that new diet noon noon noon I was just reading about it

some guy was talking about on Instagram they had something and I said let me look this thing up and it's a diet unlike like weight watches or whatever it attacks your mental wow you want it to this diet the first 20 days or something

there's a lot of journaling a lot of walking 9,000 steps a day shit like that but it teaches you how to eat all over again but it's psychological and it's pretty interesting I was thinking about joining up and seeing what it's about I'm just not in the mood to start another fucking diet

I'm happy with weight watches it works but it just goes to show you that the mind can the mind can conceive the body can achieve so it all starts with your mind first it really does

it's like you can create your own placebo effect it's so weird how I did a podcast last year about turning the switch how some people it's hard some people turn the switch on quicker than others if I put two people on the same open mic

and watch them and they both do the same amount of sets every night one guy is going to naturally be ahead of the other guy you know what I'm saying one guy and then the one guy catches up over in time the guy that got ahead his cat dies he doesn't go off for a week and then the other guy comes in and does the sets

and catches up with him but it's just really interesting how we can start at the same time and we can both have different results but we both get to the same destination you know what I'm saying the destination is the comedy store

every night on stage that's where I want to be so when you write down that goal that's where it starts I want to be at the comedy store four nights a week next to Bill Byrd, next to Justin May Paluso next to Joe Rogan and the more you write that that's why I always say I like writing goals

because the power of the pen the power of the pen will take you there without you even fucking knowing it's so weird even now I write little goals and I go to the gym and boom three weeks later I'm achieving them you know like being able to row 20 minutes in a row you know on the row machine whatever the fuck

like I always do stupid shit like that you know I started walking on the treadmill so you gotta like fucking put it up to ten and run up the hill and die and then switch it but you gotta change it up on your mind you know it's so weird how the mind and I gotta be honest with you

and people aren't gonna believe me when I tell you this with comedy I did a lot of fucking meditating I did it myself there first like I would go to a theater with Joe Rogan and go wow I'm never gonna be able to play this fucking theater

and then I would go see you're catching yourself talking shit yep you have to leave here saying you'll be back on your own one fucking day when you leave the theater have your hand touch the wall or whatever and then go home that night and write it I wanna play this fucking theater

when I used to work for Joe I wrote those theaters names down and I think I like the 31 theaters he took me to I went to 27 of them on my own wow you know and I always a lot of people don't know about that little secret that I did on my own

just to prove to myself that this is where you came at one time as an opener and now you came back here as a headliner yeah it's you know you're basically applying a lot of really advanced

strategy for yourself visualizing and visualization is huge for achieving goals it's probably one of the most important aspects of it and writing it down I do the same thing I do the same exact thing mainly because I have ADD

like actually diagnosed ADD not just when people say oh I have OCD I have ADD I really do and it's a struggle and one of the things that helps me with all my chaotic thoughts is writing them all down and I realize the same thing where you

you start to write things down and then you're like it's really important to track yourself otherwise we're just ships with no direction we're literally just floating around in this fucking ocean not doing anything not going to any port, not visiting anybody

not catching any fucking fish you're just a ship in the ocean doing jack shit you're rudderless and it's funny because when I got into comedy I knew nothing you know I didn't have a coach to tell you so everything I did I figured out on my own and the little things were

to write the date the name of the venue you know if you were a feature or a headliner or MC I wish I would have done that and I would write out my set and then but I would be honest with myself like when I get home

from a show before I even did a line of coke before I rolled the joint before I peed, before I took a shit it was a discipline I opened up this notebook and would write down my sets so I did the Houston Laptop

I did okay I could have done better would you write that down? yes and I wouldn't write the reasoning like I would never say the audience sucked I would always put I need to work harder and then I would always put the material that I used

the key jokes so when I come back I don't use those jokes again and it's funny when I lived in Boulder I started that I had a 20-set a month goal there wasn't 20 sets there was no way

when I was an open mic unless somebody took you on the road and I wasn't ready for that unless you're entertaining a field of weed I would go to like like a fucking what's that shit that Miley Cyrus's dad invented the whoopee song

remember they used to dance that fucking dance in my breakie breakie heart a bunch of rednecks with boots and hats on in a fucking country boss dog Sunday nights I would follow a line dancing class there was comedy at 8

after a fucking hour line dancing class you had to throw these fucking rednecks out because that's the way the club did it and then they do country dancing that night at 9 fucking horrible you know Monday I was at a fucking Australian bar

and they put us in the back in the rehearsal room like the rooms had padding and shit on it and you had to close the door and you couldn't breathe and there people were on stage turning purple because it was like a bank vault and they would only seat 16 people Tuesdays I had the comedy works

Wednesday I had club 56 or the fucking Elvis impersonators room he was a chef and then he was an Elvis impersonator he weighed like 500 pounds so I had to open for him and then wait for him to do his set so I could go back up there and greet him good night nobody knows

I'd rather take it up the ass than have that job now in hindsight that I think about it seeing an Elvis impersonator is fucking suicide like that's what Elvis like listen you could do 20 years in jail or sit through a set of an Elvis impersonator with a knife next to you

if you can make it you'll fucking walk free out of this fucking prison Thursday I had El Torrito the Mexican joint in Burbank where the fucking you get poisoned in there the food was horrible El Torrito was so fucking bad like it was holding on

in 94 and 95 but El Torrito was in Burbank across from where fucko does the tonight show you know Jay Leno it's good next to it whatever the fuck he's doing now he's got a coffee shop in his garage

go fuck yourself you got 2 million fucking cars cock sucker go get a ticket somewhere that place was where Boston Market is now in Burbank not Boston all fuck Boston Market

that place is disgusting it used to be really good when the first fucking started you remember the lines from Boston Market everybody was eating chicken but what happened to Boston Market was people started saying whoa we can make our own chickens for 699

so every supermarket started making chicken so Boston Market fucking I think there's 8 of them left and they're all like off a through way that's the worst food to eat while you're in transit there was a terrible one in Burbank and my daughter liked it

my daughter liked the one in Burbank and she would ask for it macaroni and cheese restaurant it was fucking awful and I would have to sit there with her and eat that fucking pigeon meat cause that's a fucking pigeon oh fucking horrible

wait can I ask you a question I remember you saying something one time that along with back to what you're saying about writing the date and the place the location do you also have a notebook that you've known everyone you've ever performed with well that notebook

would have that on that so it would be the list the line up that to me is so interesting to see I have a couple of those flyers and things and it's interesting to see who's stuck with it cause it's very out of like 10 people like 2

have actually broken through so it's interesting to see those names that have stuck it for the long haul in this industry and who has actually believed in a nice amount of success where it's all they do there's only one guy

that's doing real comedy from when I was doing comedy in 92 93 94, 95 in Denver that's a kid by the name of Jimmie Bay the Mexican guy I'm 59 he's got to be about 62 hard working guy just never left

Colorado he had it too easy he had a bunch of gigs during a week you know every time a concert would come in they'd call them great guy but I thought about that too I thought about the fucking guys I started with and where they are today and none of them are around

they're not even in the comedy game no more wow it's a tough industry I know we've talked about this I'm sure people have listened to conversations about how hard comedy is but it really is a weird thing it's a difficult job to get good at

it's a difficult career to pursue because you've got to branch out even you you've branched out into other things and you've done a ton of acting podcasting and all of that out of all the things

that you've done in your career do you view comedy as the only thing you really enjoy doing I know you haven't you're sort of off the road for a while now but out of everything you've done is that the thing that you love the most or do you enjoy making films as well

in my life I mean listen I love comedy and the young comics that are watching this show let me tell you something do you want to be a comedy writer whatever give stand up a world for one year I don't want you to be a pro

I don't want you to get good at it just make a commitment before you get into any field camera work any field you want to directing go do stand up for a year just go once a week talk to them guys learn the mind of a stand up

because that's the best mind in the industry I'm very proud to say yes I love stand up comedy stand up comedy took me out of the fucking world of criminality I fell in love with it it was all I ever knew and the one thing about me is I really fucking respected it like that's where

mind and Joe Rogan's connection comes from we have nothing in common fucking genius we have nothing in common but our common thing is our love and respect and dedication for stand up I would have died for it

but it's also it's the ground floor for any entertainment career when you do stand up one of the greatest things I've ever watched in my life was Roseanne Barr on that fucking show what's Larry King

right what happened I have a vague memory well she did the one episode she was talking about how Oprah kidnapped her and put receptors in her brain to steal her ideas so when you say that you're like fucking Roseanne what are you talking about but then

he asked her a question he goes listen why did you throw all the people from ABC the top brass out of the Christmas party one year and she goes listen I was dealing with a bunch of fucking idiots

I love Roseanne for this I love Roseanne for what she did for me by saying this she goes in Hollywood we deal with a bunch of fucking idiots they went to college they watched two movies they're not us

we dove ourselves into this and then she made this statement she goes when you do comedy you're the director you're the writer you're the sound tech you're everything it breaks down into all those categories that you could grow from

so she goes when they told me that they wanted me to beat the Cosby show out I thought about it and I go I was going to ask for help but I didn't need help I knew how to beat them out by being fucking funny so she goes I fired all the writers

they gave me because they didn't know shit about shit and I had to stand up writers and regular writers to mix and friends people who knew me and they were writing the episodes and I know half the guys she hired it was fucking it was really good

for comedy it was really good to take these guys and take them through a set and help them fucking punch up scripts and that's how she beat Cosby she knocked Cosby out of Thursday night because she said she went back to her comedic roots

and if you think about it how many times are you down how many times have you called me and said I can't get no help I can't get this and after a week as a stand up comic you know you go fuck help I don't need their fucking help I'm taking this into my own fucking hands and you put it together

better than they were going to do with the agents and I did that I did that with the longest shot I did that with America when they told me they didn't want to see me for the longest shot I said fuck you that's what they told you and you accepted it they're not going to tell me that he's going to get two comedic

actors what Adam Sandler needs is a fucking kick ass comic for that fucking role and you don't believe in me as much as you do and I understand that but guess what I believe in me more than you believe in me so I'm putting that audition on tape and I'm sending it to Adam Sandler

and I got that fucking movie and that's what comics do we figure out a way and we always go back to us nobody can help you nobody's going to help you sell tickets nobody's going to help you write material nobody's going to help you

book comedy gigs nobody's going to do shit or you have to assume that you do have to assume that at the end of all your crying and all your woe is me you go fuck you I'm going to take matters into my own hands that's why I put auditions on tape just a minute

when all these motherfuckers were telling me to go out on the road on Wednesdays you had to do radio on Thursdays I would say no I do a podcast on Wednesday night and someday this podcast is going to fucking help me out and now I'm 59 and I don't want to do stand-up

that's why I work those Wednesday nights to build the fucking podcast and to build trust with an audience even though the agents want to oh they want you to come in on Wednesday night for what to do some stupid radio on Thursdays I don't need to fucking do if they want me to come and do radio I'll tell you what cancel the week

and let's find the week when you don't need radio and they would go okay don't worry about it come on in so that's the thing about stand-ups and that's the thing about us as human beings they're not going to help you nobody's going to help you assume that you have to think like that exactly nobody's gonna help you look

at the situation and write three different scenarios on how you could help that situation how can I become a better comic I could write more I could perform more you know I could hang out with Doug Stan Hope and learn more I could hang out with fucking jesame there's three different variables here I'll put nine months in to see if my

I go on a triple run for fucking a year you want to get really good go for a fucking triple run for a year do each of those rooms twice and then come back and see me you'll be a fucking powerhouse so hell yeah I don't know what you're talking about I changed

you know I have reached out to you for help so many different times and just from you know that whole conversation what you just talking about like you have to assume that no one's going to help you has been the most vital piece of advice

for me not just in my career but in life becoming really self-sufficient and becoming savvy and and realizing you have everything inside of you and the resources you need to get shit done and no one's going to do it for you in the longer you think that the

longer you're going to wait and nothing's going to get done and and beyond that whatever they tell you isn't gospel whatever agents say or whatever anyone says that's not the way it is

it's the way they know it to be and one phrase that I can't fucking stand in the industry is well that's the way it's done okay well at some point somebody came up with an idea that hadn't been done before and you know what it fucking worked

don't tell me that's not the that's the way it's done have a little bit of gumption have a little bit of fire under you and that's that's what I think it makes comedians different the ones that succeed and break through there's a fire there's a relentless

ambition there's like a not accepting no mentality and in this almost like a blind confidence especially when you're first starting out you're like fuck you no I'll make it a yes somehow like what you're saying like they're not

they don't want to see me and I love that you're like that's what they told you that's how you're selling them you bought that fucking line like fucking Tony did from Sosa I was watching that last night Scarface and he tells him you bought that line you know you bought that fucking line

listen this is the way I look at it a wise man was told me his name was Rick Dukerman God rest his soul a casting director's job is to book that film she wants to tell you that she's going to search high and low for the right actor but when she takes the job she already knows

what she's looking for or three people or four people if I look to the job and I told my agent I was right for it and he said no I would fucking submit myself I didn't give a fuck what he said and maybe six out of ten times I was right that means I'm betting 60%

they have the limitation they're scared and really now today they're very scared when I got into the business I used to walk into my manager's office and hear him cursing motherfuckers out I mean tremendously yes he's out of the business now

because I think he cursed out one too many motherfuckers but he fought for you he believed in you these motherfuckers today look what they did to Callan and Dali and all these guys by an accusation the agents dropped them you drop me go fuck yourself

now look at Dali and Bill Cap and Brian Callan they're all jumping up and down there's no more rapes there was never a fucking rape there was never an act but you guys brought into a fucking allegation so you let all these motherfuckers go when I saw that shit in the business I'm like these agents are pieces of shit

and in time we're going to learn how to avoid these motherfuckers comics are going to go you know what I'm going to get an attorney I don't even want to go on a movie or TV I just got to get an attorney I love my attorney Jeff Cohen

Jeff Cohen is a savage one of the original Goonies my attorney truffle shuffles motherfucker try and fuck me over he was so good I trust he's just so communicative and honestly

perfect example has been in the industry as an actor was in Goonies he's a cultural icon and because of that understands how to package things and understands what to look for

and what to ask for after my dad passed away I started writing about it and during him being sick I was writing about it and it became this thing and I said I think I want to turn this into a screenplay or something and we ended up partnering with

a production company and I wrote a screenplay treatment for it and Jeff didn't like the deal he said you know I don't like this deal for you I know you want to do this and you want to turn this into

a movie and I respect that but this isn't a good deal for you most people would just take the money and go yeah go ahead make the thing but he knew it mattered to me he's like you know this is something that is your story and

you should write it the way you want it done not hand it to somebody and have it be turned into something else and I'll always be indebted to him for that because then it made me take a minute and sit with it and go oh he's right I need to turn this into a different piece of art this has to be formulated more

and really spent some time on instead of turned over to somebody else to write my experience you know because I wanted to write the screenplay I wanted to write the script and they weren't willing to partner with me and I was like well then I can't

how am I going to hand this to you you want me to hand my dad's story to you and I can't fucking help write it are you crazy I wrote it so good you want to buy it you should be smart enough to know that I'm good enough to write it out

and Jeff was like we gotta go and it's important like you know you're right about the lawyer thing like having a lawyer that's tough and savvy and willing to go to bat for you that's one of the main things you need you know early on I reached out and connected with Dane Cook

and that's one of the things he told me too do you need a really good lawyer start there start with a really solid savvy lawyer and maybe a manager but a lawyer is somebody who will protect you on all angles of this industry on all angles

on all angles my life is a lot better now my lawyer is Florentine's brother fucking Uncle Dan I love that and that motherfucker does not play fucking games do you write your mother and father a letter once a month oh my god

no I tell you it helped me a lot wow I got a notebook of letters I write my mother once a month your granddaughter's doing grade tell me your cousin Miriam that is beautiful

that has helped me so fucking much over the years and especially after I had Mercy because the hardest pain I think after I had Mercy was not having my mother around she's an extraordinary little fucking girl

that I wish my mother got to be around because my mother is all she needs to push her over the other side Mercy is a wild woman she can push and it's great but yeah start writing a letter to your mom on the first

don't do it this month that's a really good idea and your father just a letter if you want you can put it in the envelope and go through the process yeah but if you don't just put it in the notebook

that's a really great idea and look at it at the end of the year trust me I'm telling you I believe that thank you through this whole process I've looked for ways to heal I meditate almost every single morning

I meditated every single morning after my mom died for a year it changed the game for me it really gave me a place to put my emotions and gave me a place to have a little bit of space to breathe

and start the day that way for me has been vital to my survival and journaling and all of that honestly meditating writing and working out if I miss one of those

I'm off I'm a little off I'm not I'm not as intentional and I used to think there were such woo woo things to do oh you journal bro what do you write and now that I actually do it

I go oh okay there's something to this there's something to this because like we said the mind you have like 100,000 thoughts a day that's exhausting that's tiresome and we

especially you and I as being artists and performers they're not all fucking positive no not like a peanut gallery dog you know for every positive thought you got to get a negative thought and you got to get a dark thought you know so when I get a dark thought

I like we won't pay attention to it like I want to take somebody's eye out or something I won't pay attention to that thought but guess what I also came up with the thought to add music to the you know what I'm saying like I'll think of something positive and move forward

you got any weeks you got any tour dates coming up anything yeah I actually do I forgot I'm going back on the road I've been off the road for months now I'm going to be at the Kansas City Improv for St. Patrick's Day weekend with Cody Woods

the great great comic he's a local guy from there what else you got going on I'm going on tour with my other podcast it's a Patreon exclusive pod for now it's called Girl and it's with my friend Carly Aquilino and her and I are going on the road

with Cody's Nashville and Chicago New York we're hitting all the the COVID hot spots in my podcast Sharp Tongue still going strong

I'm so glad I stuck with it somebody that was on my team a while back told me maybe I should give it up and it just goes back to that conversation about having faith in what you do and knowing you're worth it and now it's

allowed me to do whatever I want to do now there's no more feast or famine because I put more effort into it and really stuck it out now the podcast is taking care of a majority of my expenses and that's because people are listening

and enjoying it and if I had not doubled down on it and cut it off that's where I'd be it's all about listening to that positive voice in your head knowing you're worth it and not listening to people who've never done what you do

tell you how to do what you're doing it's fucking crazy when they try to tell you and you're like get the fuck out of my face the fuck do you know I get up at 5.45 every morning to do a fucking podcast and you're gonna come over here with your fucking story when are you on the east coast again

when are you in Point Pleasant again I owe them a weekend a summer weekend at Point Pleasant New Jersey and Beach Haven I don't know probably the summer call Uncle Vinny call Dino at Uncle Vinny yeah I have to I gotta come out there

I'll call him today that's a great little club it's one show Friday one show Saturday that's what I'm talking about you're in the east coast you come over here and crash two nights I got an extra bedroom

yeah just give me a call you know I love you to death I love you too and honestly you checking up on me throughout the quarantine made me feel like I had family and I appreciate that I don't forget about my fucking girls you know that

in fact I even called you and said what's that thing with that little skinny bony ass I don't want to see that bony ass of yours ever again for years you were keeping it together now you're flaunting showing that ass I don't know what the fuck's going on that's why I asked you if you have put your grieving away yet

because when I seen that little skinny bony ass what the fuck is she thinking that's my sister showing that ass cute little ass but you gotta put some weight on that motherfucker you want Johnny Black to hit it with your dick you know

Johnny Black hits it with your dick at the end he'll break the cheek you gotta put some mambo in that motherfucker you know what I'm saying when I grow up I'll break your fucking hip oh you crazy bitch keep me posted I love you God bless you

and if you need something you call okay I know that don't forget to let it to mom and dad on the first I'm gonna fucking do it I am when we hang up and I'm gonna hit up Dino too I love you to all my heart and whenever you want to come on

and talk some shit I like to come on the sharp tongue so keep me posted alright you dirty bitch I love you take that bony ass off the fucking TV screen hey bye bye alright you bad motherfuckers

we talked a lot about losing somebody because that was the topic we were talking about that the last couple weeks on the phone what do we want to discuss people during the pandemic so I know you're feeling weird and I don't want you to grieve alone

I wanted to break the grieving process to you and throw you some ideas if you're grieving somebody and you're really missing that person I told this to another friend of mine that her father died a while back and she was having a hard time therapy and I go no no no no

write your parents your brother your sister-in-law you know I lost my sister-in-law during the pandemic I write her a letter once every other month I started about two months ago but my mom I've been writing letters too for about 15 years

and my father I've been writing letters for about 10 years now so every month on the first which was yesterday this week I did it on Monday and I just wrote on my short letter what's going on and it helps man it helps if you don't

have the money for therapy or whatever I mean grieving is something you gotta do on your own therapists could always help you know what I mean I love better help but this is something that you could do at home and it's nice you you write a journal you write a letter to them once a month

you write your goals there's a lot of work to be done on a notebook if you have a notebook at home it's not for fucking you know you're not in school no more you're not adding nothing get yourself a notebook yeah you're not adding nothing you know what I'm saying get yourself a fucking notebook and you know writing it write your

thoughts down that's called journaling that's it just writing it what you're feeling for the day your girlfriend's a fucking asshole your grandmother sucks dick whatever you could write it in there and learn how to deal with it a lot more and if you lost somebody write them a letter at the beginning of the month you'll feel

a lot fucking better I want to thank all you guys I want to thank Justin May and I want to thank you guys for always having my back and always supporting the podcast and the patreon I want to thank Mike for always fucking doing the innovations whether it's the lights or whatever we're always

coming up on you motherfuckers always getting a little bit better every week so thank you for your patience and that's it have a great fucking week and I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning the 7th tip Top Magoo don't forget we got some great fights this week

Mazvedal you got fucking the whole thing there and now for a word from my mother fucking sponsors Jack alright you bad motherfuckers I want to thank you I want to thank Justin May Paluso but most importantly I want to thank the

sponsors and everybody involved with this show Mike all you motherfuckers but before we get out of here the joint is brought to you by draft kings like I said in the beginning Mazvedal and Covington they going into the octagon to beat the fuck out each other this weekend with Puyol hatred

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and I want to thank the best stamps.com I want to thank Paluso and I want to thank you mother fuckers for always having my back I love you mother fuckers stay black have a great weekend it's gonna be tip top Magoo

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