Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #143 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

Director Billy Corben calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Recorded live on 01/20/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus, Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash Joey, that's HuluPlus.com slash Joey, got too excited there. And by dollashaveclub.com, get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church, that's dollashaveclub.com slash church, or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollashaveclub banner.

This show is also sponsored by Naturebox, where you can order great tasting healthy snacks right to your door, snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like french toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off your first order. Go to naturebox.com and use promo code Joey, that's naturebox.com promo code Joey. Oh shit, Monday, January 20th, the day the devil was buried at sea, you bad motherfuckers. Oh shit, even Jews are jumping up and down right now, they're like what? What?

Listen to this motherfucking beat, this is real fucking yams from the 70s, listen to this motherfucker, what? Kick it up, Lee. Shining shoes, black people jumping up and down, are you fucking kidding me, listen, whoa. You wanna? Are you fucking kidding me, white, black, purple, yellow, get the fuck up, you fucking cock suckers, it's America's Martin Luther King Day, about 80 years ago this guy was marching fucking up and down for your freedom, your fucks, and then Julius Irving and the

ABA came and that's it, everybody love black people, that's how it happens, you know what I'm saying, some guy puts a thought in your head, you gotta like black people, then Julius Irving showed up, you know what, these people ain't that bad, they slam dunk, they jump, they got music, they show up with fucking ribs and a couch, who's better than them, what's going on, Lee Lee, boom, boom, sciat. No this is the Jews favorite day, a paid day off, this is the song where they wake up and do it. They're jumping up and down and shit, they're boxing, they got them.

They got locks and bagels today, this is the locks and bagels. They killed me yesterday, cock suckers, what happened? You didn't like your yamac on fire, I told you, you can't fuck around. We shouldn't have got that far, we lost so many people and I just, I got to the point where I understand where you're coming from now, I was upset when I was watching the game, but as soon as it was over, I was over it, it was just, no, no, there's nothing you can do, I mean they got to the fucking AFC championship game with one white dude throwing fucking bullets, you know, and I love him, like I said, I like traditional football, I like traditional

quarterbacks that sit in the pocket and jiggle in and throw a fucking bomb at you, there's a beauty to that. You know what I mean? He throws that bomb too much though, I mean, you saw how good Peyton Manning is when he's just spreading it around or the short ones, Tom Brady, and it's not Tom Brady's fault because he doesn't have anyone to throw to, but he threw like, he used to throw like one of those 50-yard passes of the game, he threw like eight of them yesterday just to try to get something.

You got to fucking, you know, but in doubt, you got to go for the fucking bomb and wake motherfuckers up, you got to test them, you know, you got to test their defense and test their legs, and let me tell you something, I lived up there for a long time, that's a tough place to play out on a Sunday when it's beautiful like that, you're doomed, you're doomed. Once the sun is out and Jesus is there, because Jesus goes for those fucking games, with, oh, I know for a fucking fact, I know for a fact, that's God's country, Jack, once you're there, you feel it.

When you walk in there, you fucking feel it, you feel warm, everybody's got an orange jersey on them, they're all Jesus freaks. And they all go to church and right from church bro, they go to fucking Denny's and right from Denny's, they start barbecuing, that game starts at one o'clock, they're there from seven in the fucking morning. It's a really beautiful thing to see, you know, I went to a few Denver Bronco games and they were at the other stadium, the old place. One famous one I went to was Monday Night Football, I guess the Kansas City Cheese when

Joe Montana, at the end, it was a great game. You know, I lived there in 87 when Elway and all that shit, so I know what a great football is, I want to congratulate them. I also lived in Seattle and that's the city of fucking darkness up there, Jesus Christ, Batman don't even come out, it's so fucking dark up there and I want to congratulate them too, you know. Everybody online is very happy because they're both cities that legalize marijuana. Oh yeah, that's true.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know what happened to it. I don't like the, it's not that I don't like them, I didn't watch the NSC game, I was sick this weekend so I caught them out. The AFC, every time I turned it on they were losing, I saw them throw a couple passes and I knew, you know, something wasn't right, it was nothing to be ashamed of. What's up beside that, Doug? I had a great weekend.

What a nice time at the improv this weekend. I had a great time at the improv, the improv was like one of the first ones that I went to here, I personally, I liked it, I liked the old feeling one, they haven't quite finished upgrading it yet so we'll see how it is, but that was like the first comedy club I went to in LA so it's always fun going. It's amazing the other day when I was there, I was sitting in the back saturday night and I was feeling sick and I'm like, I remember walking in here for the first time, like I didn't think I had made it, but I knew that I had made it a lot farther than what I anticipated.

Cause you went to the store first, right? I went to the store first, I got to the improv maybe, like on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. And was it, what was it, what it is now, like as a comic, what did it feel like going to the improv back then? For me, I was in a fucking, I couldn't believe it, I thought I was, I thought I was walking in the back door. I'm telling you, when I got into comic 91, I thought I would just be a local club comic like the ones they showed in that movie with Tom Hanks and Sally Struthers where they were

in New Jersey, I forget the name of the fucking movie right now, it's a great movie, it really gets you fired up for stand up and I must have watched it 80 times before I got on stage. And punchline? Punchline. And with Angel Salazar and Damon Wayans and it's got a bunch of great comics and it shows the life of a comedy and I thought, you know, guys that were struggling the day time. So when I got into comic, I thought I would be a local guy. I thought I was just going to stay in Denver and then after I got divorced, I would move

to North Bergen, New Jersey and do comedy locally there and hopefully do something in New York someday, like if I was good enough, you know, that was the immediate plan. So when I got to Seattle in Austin, I saw the rack and points up there and Stan Hope talked me into LA. Stan Hope was a comedy store guy, but his manager was married to Mark Lano, who was one of the partners at the improv. So Stan Hope hung out a lot at the improv. So I got right as soon as I walked into the improv, I started getting love.

I got here, I got here next week or be, I don't even know Lee, it was 97. So that's like 20, almost 26, no, 15, 16 years, 16 year anniversary of me next week. So I drove into town, I stopped at Al Capucco. I came in here with a girl named Carol who had an RV. We pulled over at Stan Hope's. We took a shower and we went right to the fucking improv, we went to the comedy store and I saw Lee Griffin.

I saw the guy that hangs out with red band that does the Ding Dong show and I saw a couple people up there, it was just amazing and I knew, I didn't know if I belonged, I didn't know if I'd get on stage and next thing you know, I was showcasing for Mitzi Shaw, man. And by February 19th, which was my birthday, I was a regular at the store and at the improv and I was getting spots at the lab factory. That's quick, right? That's very quick. Three weeks, I was a regular at both places.

So right there I was walking on fucking clouds. How big is it, because I know in other industries it's huge, how big is it that you knew people already here? Doug Stanhope gave me the reference for the comedy store. Doug Stanhope gave me the reference for the improv and I got on stage and did good. No, in those days it was Latino night on Sunday nights. I got on stage Latino night, the guy that booked the club saw me, there's a little window at the side of the improv, that's where the booker sits and watches action.

He saw me, Richard Cooper was his name. So Richard Cooper started giving me spots little by little. Oh, no, you had to do something with it. Right, right, right. You had to do something with it. The store I showcased for Mitzi, sure. I didn't showcase for nobody else but Mitzi, motherfucking sure. Three minutes, bitches.

Three minutes, bitches. Do you remember what you said? Three minutes, bitches. Not even a fucking clue. But I knew you had to grab her. You had to fucking grab her. And to me, that was the end-all be-all, was grabbing Mitzi fucking sure. When I first went up there the first time and she goes, come back next week, have ten

minutes, you know, that was it. I went and bought a gram of blow. I got my dicks up, 89. I did everything that night. 80. Yeah, that's when you get 69 and you stab with two knives. I'm fucking no, I don't fucking know. I love it.

But that's the feeling, that was it right then. Walking into the improv and knowing I wasn't shit. I was walking into these places thinking that they didn't know that I was getting away with murder. Like, I ain't shit. I didn't want to go on fucking stage. Then I would go on stage and do okay. But I, you know, you just keep going back and there's a lot more to, you know, listen,

the funniest fucking people are not here. The funniest people working within West struggling right now, trying to put together fucking $800 and selling t-shirts and CDs. When you get here, it includes a couple of different things. And it goes back to the concept of it's not how many people you shoot, it's who you shoot. Okay, that's the fucking thing right here. I saw a girl at night at the club that I started with out here. We used to hustle around, coffee shops in the valley, you know, by Barham right there,

that building, that used to be a huge, comedy, a coffee place with scripts that you could read off the shelf and a projector room. And we all go up there on Sundays. I forget what her name was, and now she's a producer, she's sold a few shows. She goes, I follow you on Twitter. I go, it's funny because I saw your name, but I thought I was fucking hallucinating because she retweets the dirtiest shit. I go, is that you that retweets?

She goes, I love it in the morning. Oh my God, suck a dick. Oh, I fucking love it. And so, like I said, that really fucked me up a couple of weeks ago when I saw that comic that I started with, and he was parking cars in Hollywood. That really fucked with me. I went to an event to feel good about myself, to watch my movie, and ended up leaving feeling bad about myself.

I felt bad that I had done something, and he had it, that he was still parking cars. And it teaches you that it's not about the funniest guy, because he was a funny guy. He just didn't do nothing with it. I always knew that my comedy wasn't going to, bro, I always knew that it wasn't going to be about the comedy. So I knew I had a book shit. I knew I had a book shit. I knew I had a plan already, as long as you're honest with yourself.

I wasn't going to go to Montreal, I wasn't going to get invited to any festivals, nothing. How you could creep is by doing little roles, because club owners will tell you now to at least consider you, because you're on your path. You start popping a few movies early on. People don't fuck with you. They're like, ah, this guy could be deadly later on. I don't want to fuck with him now, because years from now, he might tell me no. Do you understand how it works out here?

People will not return your call. They'd rather not say no or yes to you, because they know in the future you might get big, or they might get big, and they'll never say to you, I didn't say no. That wasn't my idea. No, I never got those messages. Oh my God, my receptionist, I fired her. You understand me? Okay, it's crazy how that shouldn't matter.

Movie roles shouldn't affect stand-up gigs, but it affects your own mind for something. So there may be something there. There may be something there, you understand me? So that's how they think in the back of their head, so I kept propelling up. Movie roles and TV roles. It's funny when you think back where you are today, like sometimes a lot of people wake up, it's January 20th, 2014. Everybody real quick go to January 20th, 2004.

Where were you Lee? High school. Seriously? Yeah. I was. And what were you thinking? I was a freshman in high school. And what were you fucking thinking?

Were you thinking anything about the future? Were you thinking about movies, were you thinking about jerking off in the chick's hair? What were you thinking about? I was, fuck, I don't even, I had probably just taken my first film class and I loved that. I wasn't over high school yet because I was, I've always been friends with older people. So I was friends with like the seniors and I would joke around with them. Fuck, I was a freshman in high school.

That's so crazy. I always want people when you wake up in the morning, you're in the shower, when you're thinking about your situation, think back to 10 years and then you get a little old and you think back to 20 years. You know, if I think back to 10 years, I was still doing blow, I was a fucking human mess. Yeah. I was starting to get it together.

I was really three months, four months away from booking a breakthrough role in the longest yard. I didn't even fucking know it because I started. Oh, 10 years ago. In the longest yard, 2004. Wow. It came out in 2005. We shot in 2004.

I had opened up the year with a cold case, maybe, like I came back from winter break, bam, and shot a fucking cold case disco Inferno. I was 300 and 80 pounds, 390 pounds. Had a little bit of pain left, but the most of the pain had gone away. Like I thought about that 2004, I thought about 94. I was a ball of fucking pain and then 84 was a ball of pain. So you think about how you're happy in the shifts, you know, a lot of times I'm older. So I like to talk about this shit because you never think about it.

I never thought I was going to be fucking 50. I never thought I was going to be sitting across from some fucking Jewish guy, Martin Luther King Day doing a podcast. What the fuck is a podcast 20 fucking years ago? You know, so I want people to do that from time to time when you wake up and you're having a rough day. Check. Put your plant your feet and say, what the fuck was I 10 years ago?

What is that Tony Bennett song, Cocksucker? 10 years ago, what was I doing? And you'll see this change in your life and you'll see that you made progress and you'll see that you're a bad motherfucker on a Monday. What, Lee? Where's the reefer, Lee Cocksucker? He smoked all night long. Oh shit.

Oh shit. It's crazy that you said that because last night, all my grandparents have passed away a decade ago, but my mom's older brother and his wife are like 70's so they've always been kind of like my grandparents and they're here so I went with the girl and heard them to sushi last night and it's crazy because I've never introduced a girl to them and they're joking around and at the end of the meal I knew he was going to go for it so I paid for it and now I'm kind of hurting because it was like a sushi so it was a lot of money. But it was a saying like thinking about where you were just like, I can't imagine, I could

never have imagined 10 years ago that I'd be out in LA doing what I'm doing, paying for sushi. It's just it was, it was a crazy experience. The thought for me is basically I want you to go back and think of what you were thinking and that's how you'll know, you got to go back and see what you were thinking 10 years back today. January, 20th, 2000 fucking four. What were you thinking?

What were your goals? What were your plans? I want you to tell me that you had plans and that this is what you're doing now and you feel a lot better about it. You know what I'm saying? I want you to tell me that you went to college for communication and you came out and now you're producing a TV show. I want you to tell me that you went to college for fucking philosophy and now you're the

number one drug dealer in the Chicago black market. You know what I'm saying? To think of where you're going at 20, to think of where you're going at 30, fucking at 20. Oh my fucking God was I scared. Was I fucking scared? You know, no wonder I did blow. Sure, I was fucking scared. I didn't know what fucking the future was going to be.

I'll tell you what, when you think I was eating breakfast 20 years, when I was in 1984, if I tell you the truth or if I was right now, if I was eating breakfast, in 30 years ago, I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Really? Didn't know January of 1984. I had it all. I was in Colorado. I had some suspicion in the end that I was burglarizing, but they couldn't put their hands

on it. By this time I had enough money, I had calmed down, I had gotten rid of everything that was in the house. They couldn't get a search warrant. I was exercising, I had a job, I was going to school and for some reason I had to go back to North Bergen. I was missing something. What became a two-week vacation ended up being an 18-month fucking pain hell ride.

Hell ride. When I left there, I was fucking broken. By the time I got on that fucking bus to Crest, New Jersey in January of 1985, I was broken. It took me a month just to recover, to get sleep and to get clear. It was just one bad decision after another, but it's amazing that now I look back at it and who gives a fuck. It was a learning fucking curve, it was a learning fucking experience. So what was the mistake?

I went home. I had everything. I had everything right there in front of me. I had everything. Did I really? I was going to burglarize something and I was going to get busted, but at this time I had 20 grand. I had some jewelry stashed.

I was taking classes. I was working for an electrician. I think I was making 10 bucks, 12 bucks an hour at that time, that's 30 fucking years ago. I had a cool job. I had a lot of opportunities around me. It doesn't take long in a small place like Snowmass Village in those days to move forward because people always move.

So if you wanted to really be a manager or something, or you really wanted to do something, all you had to do was get a job there and within a year you'd have that job because it's always movement. Let's say there was a store called Sport Kale and it was a ski store. I had a friend that started there part-time and within two years he was running that fucking place where I would walk in. He'd just give me the best skis in the house and say, when you come back you've got to write a review on it, like shit like that, it was just amazing.

So I could have done something. I could have really done something up there, but I was too much of a thief at the time. I remember getting a job up there as a construction helper for six weeks. The guy had to be 70. He broke my rib by mistake. He dropped a 2x12 on my fucking thing. It was horrible. I had to go to the hospital.

It cut my skin. The scar went away. It cut my... I think the fat fucking grew over it, but I remember redoing five condos and I had the keys to all five condos and I would just fucking walk in and get on the phone and call Jersey and I would take sweaters from the people. Went to sweaters and I remember even one time bringing a girl up there and fucking them, bringing blow up there.

It was like, why was my fucking head at? But that's what you do. You do dumb shit like that. So I was on the radar ready to be in trouble. So I thought if I would leave for two weeks, I don't know what I was thinking. In my heart, I really just wanted to leave. I was homesick. And I went home and it was a big fucking mistake.

So if you're living somewhere and you're doing good, stay home, mind your fucking business. That's all I'm trying to fucking say on Martin Luther King Day. What's up, Lee? Nothing, dude. I feel great. We got some new podcasts starting for people who are listening. We're starting a new podcast with Jerry Rocha and Rick Ramos. The movie guy, you know, I've known Jerry for 12, 13 years and I've known Rick Ramos

for the same. So I think it's time for everybody to expand here a little bit. We've had Rick on the show a couple of times. He's headed out of the fucking park of movie knowledge. I think you guys will learn from Rick. I really do. Rick knows so much about movies. A lot of people hit me up.

I need movie choices. Whatever. Rick, you're right through them, like a jiu-jitsu fucking school, but white belt movies become fucking blue. I'm serious. Because that's how you have to watch some of these movies. To understand this movie, you have to watch this movie and open this up for you. You follow me?

So pay attention to Rick. He's doing it once a week. And Jerry Rocha is the king of fucking comic books and fucking music. I mean, everything that my child has, music, Ramones, between him and Felipe, everything my daughter has is AC DC, Pink Floyd, and me and Jerry and I share a passion for Pink Floyd. We're tears in our eyes. We love David Gilmore, and I think that's what our real bond is.

So once they get the podcast started, give them some attention and give them some love. I'm sure you guys will learn something the same way I get something from them. No, I'm excited to start them. Me too, you fuck. What's happened? I was sick this weekend, guys. Sick. I didn't know if you wanted to tell the story or not.

Jesus Christ. I went to bed last night and I pulled open the sheet to make the bed. Yeah. And I had a little 10, 30 at night. There was a shit stain on my bed. I had to pull the sheet, throw the cat off the fucking bed. Guys, it was the weekend from hell. And this is why you learn a fucking lesson from Uncle Joe.

You ready for this one? Once you're home, stay the fuck home. I got home at 20 or the fucking 11, not even 20 after 10 or something. On Friday night. Friday night. I'm home, minding my own business, smoking dope, I'm drinking coffee. I got an 8 a.m. kettlebell class that I really wanted to make. He just started the class on Saturday, it was my first Saturday home.

I really wanted to do this. It was 45 minutes. I was going to pick up my daughter, drop them off at the pool, take the car to service, service it. They were going to meet me after we were going to go eat lunch. That was the plan of the fucking day, not that we both do what the fuck we want to do. About 11, 30, something. The phone rings.

It's the Augustine. He goes, guess who's out there? I tell you what, was I hungry? I was okay hungry, like I could eat, but if I go to bed, it wouldn't fucking kill me. But you know what? I'm a grown fucking man and I stay in four nights a week. Even though I'm a comedian. I call myself a fucking comedian and I'm in during the week.

I'm in bed at 8 o'clock. I got to get up at 4.45 to do this fucking thing with you savages. So I'm in bed early. You got to fucking rest. You got to rest, you know? And I go fuck it. Let me go get out of the house. Let me go breed some vampire fucking air.

It's good for the soul sometimes to get out there at night and breed. I get out there. I get a taco. Delicious. I got another taco. I get four tacos by the fourth one. I don't know. It would just feel something.

Oh, immediately? Oh, you fucking. Something. Something. I don't know. I didn't even drink the soda. I got in the car. I went home.

I watched something until I watched Survivor Man. Holy fuck. That's a crazy show. And then I went to sleep about three o'clock. I woke up because I was dizzy. How do you wake up in bed dizzy? I didn't drink alcohol. The bed was spinning.

Oh, it's the worst feeling. I got up. I peed and I could feel the tickle in my throat. So I knew something was coming up. I burped the taco. I burped it again. I went back to bed. I think two hours later, bam, I wake up.

I'm shitting. I'm farting. I'm barfing. The whole fucking deal. I'm barfing a little bit. So now I'm thirsty. I get up at eight. I'm shaking in bed.

I'm shaking at nine. I get up and I want something like lemon. So I get tea and lemon. I drink that. Everything's cool. I drink some more green tea with lemon, some sugar, no sugar, some sweet and stevia from on it. I got to throw a plug in there.

Boom. And I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm not fine. I'm okay. You're maintaining. I'm maintaining. And then somewhere along the line, I lay down, dog, and in that fucking round, I got up.

I farted and there was shit in my drawers. I ran and I started shitting and I started projectile vomiting that it was just, I thought I was getting a heart attack. My heart was hurting from how hard the tea was coming out. Oh no. And bits of tacos and bits of lettuce and tomato. And it was just, I think it was a bad, I don't know what the fuck it was, but I'm petrified now.

I saw a report last week where the flu killed some people. There's some states where they set up tents outside the hospital because the demand is too much. And I know in my heart, I understand the flu. Basically the flu will sit dormant in you. And every time you get excited to break a sweat or something like that, that motherfucker goes live. Yeah, I don't know how you know that because that happened to me last week.

It goes live. It goes live because it happened to me two or three Christmases ago. I thought I was Johnny Tarzan and I went to the YMCA and I feel good and got in the car. And the next day I woke up and that fucking fever was on fire, at least on fucking fire. You know, medication, the doctor, bronchitis, I'm smoking dope in the market. And it becomes a month. So I know for a fact, if you'd like today, listen, I know this morning it was hard for me to wake up.

You know, I slept fucking yesterday. I slept three hours in the afternoon, I slept till 10, I slept again at four. I fucking slept yesterday. I went to bed last night like a box of rocks. I got up at two, three and four and the alarm woke me up this morning, which is a real rarity. And I sat there fucked up drinking green tea because I'm not drinking coffee no more. Why? I don't know.

I want to drink green tea. You love mixing it up. You know what? I'm sick of coffee. I'm not really really, but I became a coffee guy later on when I smoked cigarettes. I'm not really a coffee guy. I don't like that warmth in the fucking morning. I like to start off with two fucking ice cubes, you know what I'm saying?

Get the system going like a polar bear. I need to find something to replace this because I need something. I need caffeine, but I don't do coffee and I shouldn't do the soda, so I need to find something to just, and you were saying tea, I've never found a tea I've liked, so I need to find something that I need, that I enjoy. There's some fucking places like, what you do is, of course you would download a try at tea if you go to fucking coffee being a Starbucks or even a Marie T.C., you know? You go to Marie T.C.

You look at the board, they have that fucking mint tea, that blue English mint tea. It's delicious, you know, and you put a little sweetener in it. They've got that cherry symptom when you go to coffee being, they got a cherry, something tea. Delicious. They'll after them have a fruit punch tea. Yeah, I like to toss it when it's at Starbucks, but they throw 18 pounds of sugar in it, so that's why.

You don't want them to sweeten it. Tell them you want it unsweetened. Okay. I want it unsweetened because if not, they'll put that liquid sugar which you put right to your fucking stomach. Yeah. Tell them, don't touch it. Just give it to me and you put fucking and stirry in it.

You put two stirries and mix it up and it's delicious and it's good for you and it's got zero calories and some of that shit is they got all that stuff, antioxidants and all that stuff. You don't want to fuck around though. Yeah. But tea is always very good for you. Even the Chinese, when you go to a Chinese restaurant, the Hopatois, the Chinese restaurant is the tea up front.

Yeah. It cleanses your nice fucking. Don't do that out here, do they? Not really. Don't do that. Look, it's just the metal pot. I used to burn my hands on that when I was a kid. On purpose.

You didn't give a fuck. How come you got sticky fingers? It was a big thing when my parents let me finally have the tea. How many times a week would you go for Chinese food when you were a kid? Once a month? Twice a month? Maybe once or twice a month. But we had good Chinese places.

I was telling my aunt and uncle last night, they don't have the mustard out here. You know who had a great, Steve Simone, he always talks about kid stuff and that's what he did at your show. He did the Chinese, going to Chinese food as a kid and it brought back so many memories. It was a, yeah, it's fucking crazy. No, once a week. It was like a big treat. Yeah.

Somebody was writing on a page, what Chinese restaurant did you go to in your area and what days and why did you put Sundays we'd go to the Wing Fong. Wing Fong was a Chinese restaurant that was like maybe a six or a seven. Not bad pork fried rice when I was growing up. Yeah. But we always went in there and ran the fuck out of there. Always a Dining Dash situation. I've never done it.

I would have loved to have done that at some point. I Dined in Dash a thousand times out of the fucking Wing Fong and about a thousand times out of that place where George and I used to go for the wings and the, I forget, the ground round. And they still let you come back? I was a king. I would walk out. I would talk to the manager on the way out with the check in my hand.

I mean, that's the way to do it because you don't look suspicious. And I'd leave a tip. You'd be okay. I'd leave like a 20 just to let the bitch know I was real and shit. I just wanted to make a point because they had to check themselves. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my God. So that means this week I got to be good this week.

So today at 11, 30, I got to go to Wardrobe and that's what I got a little table read for the Mark Marin show, which I'm shooting next week. Oh, that's so cool. So I'm shooting that next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. So this week we're doing a podcast. I go to Minneapolis Wednesday afternoon. I come back Sunday and I go right on set on Monday morning. I'm very fortunate that Mark gave me this opportunity.

He wrote a great fucking script with one of the writers and I'm really happy that he did this. That's cool that they came out of the podcast probably right. It's really good to see a comic helping another comic. It means the world to me that he's gone out of his way and this just isn't me as a garbage man for two minutes with a funny joke. This is an arc and the whole thing. So I really want to thank him.

It takes a lot for a comedian to help and in these days I've got a lot of help and I'm very thankful for that. You know, you come out here, I never want people to say, well, Jennifer Aniston's father was this, yeah, but you have to do something. You know, having a relatives with something helps you so much, but you have to do something. You have to work at some level. It makes you want to work hard. When I came out here and people started opening doors for me, you know, by giving me a show

or giving me a way to earn money, you know, Felipe Esparza, Jesus Christ, never has somebody given me so many opportunities. When I first got out here at any time I needed a fucking, not even needed a gig, I get a call and it was Felipe, hey, fool, this guy's looking for a comic for Tuesday night, me and you and whatever 200 and we split to get, you know, whatever. It was always picking up a 50 or a 20 or a 30, which who does, who does? And some people got $30. Fuck you.

I looked at it. It was all going to the same fucking station. Yeah, when you're when you're broke, that 30 bucks, when you're broke, you're broke. You're picking up 100 from the comedy store, 80 from this one. I remember with Josh Wolf driving the fucking Chino on Sunday nights for 50 bucks. Chino, that's an hour away, each way, getting back home at two in the morning on a Sunday night because the show started at fucking 10, my friend. You know, these are the things you remember.

So when, when, I've said this story before that I saw a slash at a casino once at the Riviera. I was there with Joe doing a dirty show. It had to be like the summer in 98. It was also like a gamer convention at the time. And he was there. I don't even know if that's the proper, yeah, a gamer, guys that played those games on TV and PC threes and I don't know what they were at the time.

And I saw him later on and he was very nice. He used to come to a room in those days that did comedy, the union that was run by Ahmed Ahmed and Vince. Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughn. Okay. And Vince Vaughn's girlfriend at the time ran a room and he was there one night giggling and I said, hello.

And I went up to him, you know, which I would never do at the Vegas room. And I asked him when we spoke and I asked him what happened, what actually rose. And he says that sometimes people wake up one morning and they flip out because this becomes real, you know, this becomes real at some point. And then you start doubting yourself, you know, that you, with me, I never wanted to, if anything happened, I never wanted to doubt that I put the work in. I wanted to always know in the back of my mind that I put the work in. So there was no misunderstandings when I sat there and saw myself from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Last week I had to go do my demo reel. I got a new agent. Okay. And, you know, there's shit I have at the house. I don't even remember, Lee. I press a button, I tape it and I didn't know how to take shit off of DVR. This is their specialty. So we had to take everything off the DVR.

And there were scenes of me on General Hospital. Lee, are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy, Lee? When the fuck did I ever tell you I wanted to be on fucking General Hospital? I'm a fucking comedian, a dirty comic that went to prison, that barely took acting classes. I took like maybe four months of acting classes and I dove into this. I never dreamed. I dreamed of maybe being an extra, maybe walking on the set.

No shit, dawg. You just booked that. Wow. Just being an extra for me would be happy. I was on General Hospital praying a fucking preacher that marries people. Seriously, Lee? Seriously, Lee. This is why I say, check your fucking feet every day and see where you're at and see

what you want because it's a fucking amazing goddamn fucking journey, Lee. It really is. I sat there going, and it made it easier. I understood those late night spots at the store. I understood fucking working Sunday nights then. I understood all these things that you sit back and you go, wow, I did those things. This wasn't a fucking bullshit game. I really put my heart into this.

I lost a child over this. I put my heart into this. When I made that commitment, I always knew that I could always look on the eye 20 years later and say, look, I failed there, but I gained here because I wanted you to see that. When I did do that move, I showed up with something 20 years later. Who knows if we're ever talking again. I got the new one at the house busting my fucking balls all day. But do you think about that a lot?

When you're doing something like this, makes it worth it leaving Jackie? I think that I did a negative move on one hand and I did a positive on the other. But you think about it that like if she ever says to me, why, what happened and why? I could always say it wasn't working out. It was a negative, negative situation that was going to get worse. And before that happened, I might as well take that energy and make it into something positive, something that I learned in prison we got to call it. Go ahead.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Buenos dias, amigo. Buenos dias yourself. How are you, my friend? Happy New Year. Happy Martin Luther King Day. Happy Martin Luther King Day on the second.

I knew you'd come up with that fucking guy. What's happening, brother? Well, I think it's I think it's appropriate. It's a it's a good occasion. No, for this new year. There's a lot of a lot of freedom ringing in the United States this year. You're always on top of things. That's what I like about you, you know what I'm saying?

Now you're on top of freedom. I fucking love it. I love it. I thought about you. You know, I was watching the coverage in the new year of of Colorado and I was thinking that the 24 hour news station seemed to be covering it like it was like a bit of a joke. You know, they were covering it like it was some sort of a hippie freedom day or something in Colorado.

I was a little turned off by it because I thought this is actually a pretty extraordinary moment in in the United States history. I mean, at the risk of being hyperbolic about it, it's kind of like the passage of the 13th Amendment. Of course, it was just one state, but it was like all of a sudden you saw people who were free to do what they wanted to do with their own bodies and more importantly, I started to think about all of the people throughout the history of this country who were deprived of liberty and property because of this, you know, unjustly.

And now all of a sudden it's like, it's okay. And I thought, you know, we did a documentary called Square Group or the Godfathers of Ganja and we interviewed a man named Robert Platchorn who was the longest serving nonviolent marijuana prisoner in American history. I mean, the man served nearly 30 years in prison, tore his family apart, destroyed his life because he he hauled a couple thousand pounds of marijuana from Columbia to Miami. And I thought of him and I thought, like, this is, I'm glad he lived to see this day, you know, to see this wrong be righted.

And I don't know, I thought, I thought it was appropriate that we talked on Martin Luther King Day. You're a beautiful fucking man. You really are. What's that? And you went to Sundance last weekend. That's real fucking freedom. You live like a doctor.

To freeze my ass off. Still, but you up there, you're talking, you know, showing films. You're a fucking legend. No, you're you're you're my agent. That's what you should be. You should be my agent. You know, you're a sweetheart. The reason why I love you, bro, is I, you know, I you're one of the few people I really

laugh at the tweets and I see what you're seeing. I see what you're seeing through your eyes. And now we're talking and you're mentioning freedom, something that we never think a fucking minute about. We don't think fucking dick about. And then two weeks ago, I spoke to my sister on the phone in Cuba and I asked her something about where I could send money and all this shit. And it's so easy right now.

You get on the phone to me and say, Joey, you're not going to believe this. Somebody robbed me. Can you put 500 in the mail and within 10 minutes, I can have 5000 in the mail to you right there. And in Miami, if I send money to my sister, I have to go through so many hoops and fucking things just for her to get 500 bucks, which she'll only end up getting 230 American or something like that or 230 Cuban. And I think about freedom.

It's only, it's only 90 miles away to, you know, it's, it's an amazing thing to think for how long those folks have suffered so close to what it is that we enjoy here. And I think, you know, that's the thing, like when I criticize and, and you know, I want to do, especially on the Twitter, I criticize our extraordinary country. It's only because, you know, they say you only roast the ones you love, you know, and I think, I think it's the greatest country in the world, but I don't think there's any reason why it shouldn't be better. And I think that's what we're seeing.

I mean, I think we're seeing the country becoming a better place, a more inclusive place, a more open place, a more free place, and in a country that's always kind of advertised or marketed itself to the world as a free country, why shouldn't we be more free? You know, what, what sense does it make that we got to put up with the TSA every time we got to fly somewhere for work or to visit family in our own country? You know, why is it that we should put up with something like that? And, and we shouldn't put up with something like that, you know, and, and people think oh, well it's just, you know, it's the bureaucracy, it's the government.

It's, this is a government, you know, by the people of the people and for the people. And at any time it starts to stray away from that, we are the people who have to make sure that we vote and spend our money in a way that we get it back in line and probably don't use your credit card at Target. That would help too, I think. I'm not being Johnny propaganda here. But you know, listen, I've had my doubts, even if fucking Al-Qaeda exists, there's times I sit there and go, what if this is just a picture of a bunch of Arabs jumping up and

down, they've been selling this for 10 fucking years as an enemy that don't even exist, these people don't want to bother nobody, they just want to sell wings at 7-Eleven or whatever the fuck they do. You know, now they're pushing the fucking pizza, I want to buy a pizza from a fucking Hindu. Every time I go to 7-Eleven now, you want pizza, fucking five dollars, like I'm going to give you a fin for fucking pizza, knock it off, but it's amazing that I, I, I'm a little scared. I would hate to, to not see the TSA there.

A lot of people are bothered by the TSA. For me, I fly every week, it's a part of doing business. And for some fucked up reason, I believe that they're doing a job deep down inside. I know they're wasting our fucking tax dollars, I hate to say this, but this is a freedom of speech, but it gives me, for that minute that I'm flying, for that minute that I'm flying, that I'm going through that, I believe that they're really protecting us. I really believe that, that there's a guy out there that can't sneak in from the fucking back of the airport, like Kennedy airport through the fence, like a Puerto Rican.

But by the way, that's never really happened before. You know, there's always been security at the airport. I mean, you've never seen people just walking in and out of restricted doors or anything at the airport before. I mean, I've been flying my entire life and I will tell you that you are right. They are just wasting our money. They have never stopped anybody. They have never thwarted an attempt.

The kinds of stuff that get through those security checkpoints would boggle your mind because of how inefficient, inept, poorly trained and unprofessional they are. I mean, they are really there just to put the Constitution through a shredder. They have no sort of customer service or common courtesy and they keep expanding their authority as well on their own. This is what happens. You know, bureaucracies completely spiral out of control. I mean, look at the DEA.

Look at what the DEA has become and the DEA is this almost autonomous government unto itself that operates in countries around the world with its own foreign policy completely independent from the elected officials that you and I vote for to actually establish this policy. I mean, the DEA went around and they started creating their own villains to combat. I mean, in the 80s we did a documentary called Limelight about Peter Gation in the Consecrated Church. You and I have talked about this before and the DEA autonomously made MDMA which at the

time was being used by therapists in marriage counseling sessions to bring out feelings and honesty and emotion in people and was literally being debated in an open and public and legitimate scientific way about whether or not it was a helpful drug or whether or not it was a dangerous drug and what does the DEA do? They declare it a controlled substance. This wasn't the FDA. This wasn't, you know, Congress. The DEA said, we now have a new villain and what did that enable them to do?

They had to create new task forces. They had to hire more people. They had to go to Congress and ask for more money and the next thing you know is this completely rich organization justifying its existence by inventing new threats and enemies that it has to combat and it needs more money to get back. That's what the TSA is doing. They now need to be at train stations to examine passengers coming off of trains who have just completed their travel.

You look at the statistics and it is what you said. They are just wasting our money. We would be safer because remember you and I, dude, were the ones who wind up on those planes after they put us through that nonsense and don't actually effectively search anybody but just harass people. You and I are the last line of defense. Not them. These aren't some sort of brave men and women.

These are bureaucrats in a make work program, not a security or military program. We're on the planes by ourselves with combating whatever legitimate threat might actually exist, not the TSA. Like I said, every time I fly, I check out the TSA. I check them out and I look at them with the most honest to God, Billy. I look at them with respect. I try. And I go up there and I talk to them in Burbank.

I know all of them. You flew another Burbank with me? I think Tom's a girl flew another Burbank with me. You know everybody at the TSA. I started with one actor that I met through auditions that was a TSA guy. And it just so happens he worked in Burbank and I'd become friends with all of them. And you know what? In my heart there are a bunch of nice guys in Burbank and even the guys in Denver.

When I fly out of LAX, I'm sorry, there's a black guy that checks my stuff that he always says, how are you doing today? And I was going, you know me, dog staying black and we fucking howl at each other. And I like that. I like that. And in my mind, I really think that they're there, but they're there to deter. They have all those uniforms. I just flew into Buffalo and I realized Buffalo is the training center.

When you fly in and out of Buffalo, you'll be in and out of there in eight fucking minutes because there are millions of them. Millions of them. They train them there. I went through Buffalo in three fucking minutes. I could not believe it. But I've flown out of other airports where the TSA is a complete fucking joke to the point where I wanted to take my fucking camera phone out and start shooting and go look at

there's 20 of them and they're chit-chatting. They're fucking chit-chatting. It was one that I went through and it was a bunch of women and they were fucking chit-chatting. And I'm furious. I'm at six in the morning. I'm fucking hungry. You know, I always give myself two hours. But I see where, you know, I think it's like I said, they're just there to make us feel

good. Well, you're a true believer, though, too. That's the thing. You can love the man, but not love the mission. You know, I'm nothing personally against any of that. Right, right. No, no. They're just Americans.

Some hardworking. Some, as you observed, not so hardworking. And the truth is, I got a buddy who, after 9-11, you know, he was looking to do something to get involved. He contemplated joining the military and then they created the Department of Homeland Security. They created the TSA and he decided he was going to join the TSA. That was how he was going to make a contribution to this war on terror and how he was going to feel like he was getting involved in giving something back.

And I got to tell you, he's been there ever since and he is so fed up with the organization and with how it operates. He now, he asked to be transferred since he's got seniority. He asked to be transferred out of the security lines and now he's like downstairs in an office dealing with luggage. Like he's so kind of frustrated and disillusioned with what it's come to. And he was where you were at. He was like, okay, this is a good place with good people doing good work.

And now he's where I'm at, which is like, what are we doing here? What is the purpose of any of this? We should probably go back to privatizing it and let the airlines who are dealing with these customers worry about this. Billy, for me, I came here as a three-year-old kid, you know, I moved to New York City. My mother was involved in numbers, you know, so I saw, you know, but one thing I remembered man being five and six is that I loved where I was. I loved this country.

When I saw a cop on the corner, I really genuinely believed he was there to service. But then, guess what happened? I saw cops come into my mother's bookie joints and take an envelope once a week. So I saw the humanity side of it. As I got older at the bar, I saw cops come in and take an envelope once a week. You know, but all my, I mean, everything I believe in is in this fucking flag. And I may be crazy. I smoke my dope.

I went to prison. I actually believe the system works at some level that the system cannot work 100 percent that part of it has to come from us. That's what I believe. The system worked for me, but I also worked the system. Do you understand me? Absolutely. I think this is the problem is that, you know, ultimately we're all just human beings.

You know, we have, we really like to kind of put people up on a pedestal, whether it's police officers or firefighters or athletes or actors or singers. We like to say, oh my God, these people are gods. These people are heroes. These people, you know, have a talent or do something for a living that makes them better than everybody else and extraordinary. And then there's nothing we love more after that than to tear these people down or to or to clutch our pearls and make the shocking discovery that they're actually just human

beings, you know, like, like the rest of us are, you know, and they're, and they are susceptible to fear and they are susceptible to greed and they are susceptible to corruption and to every and to illness and every other, you know, every other thing that you and I are are susceptible to. Yeah, I was thinking about, you know, I'm sure you've talked about this, the 9-11 illness scam that the New York firefighters and police were just... Oh, I saw that. I saw that.

Indicted with? Yeah, with the guy on the fucking boat with a sailboat with gold trains on and shit with the little finger. Yeah, of course. Of course, there's, you know, there's always a Florida connection. That guy had retired down to Florida with all of the money that he had defrauded from this PTSD scan that like, you know, over a hundred New York police officers and firefighters had faked, you know, post 9-11 symptoms to collect from this, you know, from the taxpayers,

from this fund that was set up to help people who were legitimately, you know, traumatized or disabled by 9-11. But you see, like, it's everywhere. Even things that you think are sacred like that, you know, can be correct because we're only human, you know, that's all that's involved here. Not heroes, not super humans, not, you know, not gods and goddesses. We're just human beings and we fuck up. You know, it's amazing that there's always a fucking scumbag, there's always a fucking

scumbag. There's always a scumbag. Listen, man, I didn't collect Social Security after my mother died. You know why, Billy? Because I thought I could rob drug dealers. Okay? And I did it successfully and I loved it and I got my dick hard and I got to rob cocaine from people and it was fun for while it lasted, so I didn't defraud nobody in that sense.

I only defrauded myself, to be honest with you, but there's always a fucking scumbag. I've been trying to come up with a joke lately about charities, how I fucking hate them since day one. Since I was a kid, I hated them since day one. I always thought, what happened to the black kid with flies? He got millions. What have happened to that kid? Did he grow up to a picture or something?

Now they got commercials and the whole thing is you're asking me for money. I ain't no line producer, but I know this commercial cost $200,000. Do you understand me? So you're asking for fucking money and then at the end you're just robbing because all those charities, they only donate 30% of the fucking proceeds, they're non fucking whatever so they keep 70% for office and fucking salaries and all this shit and they pay themselves these exuberant fucking charities. When has there not been a charity that has been robbed?

I'll tell you who's about to fucking burn in flames is that fat guy in New Jersey. They're all coming out of the woodwork now. The man from Hoboken came out. He's about to go down because I know how they work politically in New Jersey. If you don't fucking march to the tune of the big guy, they fucking shut you down. This guy created traffic. He's saying he didn't do it, but it's amazing how corruption always comes up. I was thinking about something before we spoke.

I was looking at your resume at IMDB and you always pick tremendous topics. You're a genius at the things that you investigate from the dog movie about the fight of Kimbo Slice to, I mean, everything you pick, even the limelight, which I thought nobody even remembered. I thought nobody fucking remembered this country, the limelight and that whole scene. You know what I like to see that this country explored a little bit, but the four fucking corrupt cops in Miami, the River Cops, what a fuck out of there today. Yeah, the Miami River cops.

That's a great question. In fact, I had a, I taught a film producing class for about a year at a college and I had a student who, he actually was a, he is a city of Miami police officer and he pitched a documentary idea in the class about the, um, the McDuffie, you remember the McDuffie riots? That's before, um, that was 79. That was before, um, the, I'm sorry, it was actually the riots themselves were 1980, but the incident was in 1979 where they, uh, this group of city of Miami police officers beat

a black insurance salesman to death on his motorcycle and then they covered it up by making it look like he was in a crash with his motorcycle. They were acquitted and the city of Miami, uh, burned. I mean, you're talking about hundreds of millions of dollars in damages. Uh, this was in 1980 and there is damage that still exists. I mean, there is vacant lots and these, in some of these neighborhoods, uh, that have never been developed since, uh, they were burned down on the riots in 1980 and, and he wanted to pitch, um, this documentary about it and where are they today?

And I thought about that. How fascinating that is. It like, whether it's, you know, the Rodney King incident or the Miami River cops or these McDuffie cops. What happens to these people who are the focal point of these incredible scandals that, that, you know, that lead to cities burning down like where are they today and, and, and what are they up to? And it's, it would be a really interesting, uh, examination.

The river cops was, uh, I mean, it was literally, I, I don't even know if it's been beat out. The largest police corruption scandal in the history of, of America where you had, uh, 100 plus city of Miami police officers who were found to be essentially running their own cocaine trafficking organization right out of Miami police headquarters. And what was so funny about that is that, uh, our funny, if these things can be funny, I guess in hindsight, um, is that these weren't cops by and large who were, uh, became corrupt. You know, they, they got this power and they started to, to get corrupt. These were criminals who had gotten jobs as police officers, uh, because what happened

was there was a federal judge, um, who found that the Miami police department, demographically did not look like the, uh, community that it was enforcing the law in. And there was a consent decree that said Miami needs to hire more minority police officers, black and specifically Hispanic police officers because that's what the city, uh, looked like. And they did no background checks and half of them had juvenile police records. I remember reading about this. Oh yeah. And the police just turned their head.

Who gives a fuck? Well, what happened was, well, they had to comply with this federal consent decree. And in order to do that, they had to continue to reduce the hiring standards because they weren't hiring enough minority officers. And whatever that meant at the time, it started to mean that, that, uh, yeah, okay. Well, we can let it slide that you had a, a juvenile offense. Okay. We can let it slide that you, you, you were a drug user a year ago or okay.

We can let it slide that maybe you, you, you didn't piss clean yesterday, but you promise you're clean today. And then the next thing you know, you had, uh, virtually an entire class, an entire class of the police academy that wound up dead or in prison as a result of, of corruption and, and cocaine trafficking. And it led to a trial or a series of trials that was absolutely off the charts in scene where people would show up to the courthouse in the morning and there would be dead chicken bones and feathers and cauldrons all along the stairs up to

because people were coming out and doing Santoria, uh, ceremonies in the middle of the night to help the corrupt police officers beat the rap. And it was just like a classic only in Miami kind of, uh, kind of episode. You know, it's funny that I grew up in Santoria, you know, from the time I was five, I was introduced to it and it was a slow, uh, I fell in love with it. I fell in love with the whole religious aspect. I love Catholicism growing up. I was intrigued by it.

I would go on to Catholic school, the nun scared the fuck out of me. So I grew up in it. And when I was seven, bam, me and my mother became twins and we did the ceremony together and I was very tight with my godmother. And there was a time when it was just a pure religion, but then in the mid seventies, drug dealers started going to her to read and they just weren't giving you the general $40 that most most pay. That didn't mean you $5,000.

When somebody gives you $5,000 to read their future, you say what the fuck they want to say, you know what I'm saying? And then it just, and it went from becoming this beautiful religion. I even had doubts when they indoctrinated my stepfather. This guy was a killer. What type of religion accepts this shit? And then it became something else. And to this day, I blame a lot of stuff on my early childhood to it and how it went.

But that was the thing. These cops were throwing these Santoria motherfuckers in Miami, thousands of dollars. And these guys are going to blow this powder in the court and the judge will fucking switch his mind. Are you fucking crazy? It's what I was, it was what I was saying before, ultimately, and there's another group of people, religious leaders that we put up on pedestals as if they're above reproach. And again, only human and susceptible to all the corruption and anything that

you are, you know, you and I see that kind of money in front of us. We start thinking, okay, which of our values and morals can we compromise to get that, you know, and, and, and most people think the same way, regardless of what kind of collar they have on, you know, and, and you're going to go. Chango likes you. He doesn't like the other drug dealer. Your load's going to get through and the other guy's not. It's amazing.

It was amazing. Who says Chango, you know, it was fucking him. And my godmother, I tell you in hindsight, I'm 50 years old. I knew her since the time I was five. I love that woman. She took care of me like a son. I spent my summers with her on 43rd street is where I learned about life. My mother had me a little sheltered.

This woman took me and threw me into Harlem, Spanish Harlem, 1970s. All that shit you see bodies on the street. These fucking kids shook down the neighborhood. They were Puerto Rican kids and Irish, dirty kids, a couple of fucking Jews. Beautiful combination of kids. And I saw her go bad. And then in 85, I went to see her. And now I saw she was a complete different woman.

The drug dealers were gone. The musicians were gone. And I really got to see the beauty again. And I learned and I remember she told me that I was going to go to prison. If I kept fucking around with powder, she told me I have to do business with three people and I did both of them. And I always thought about it. She could be in Miami right now.

I don't know where the fuck she is. That's the last time I saw her in 85. But I did see the change that after after 85, even the drug dealers. But when Fidel when Noriega got caught, he had santeria, too, in his closet. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, it's a great popular. A Caribbean religion. Yeah, let me give the gods 80,000.

I'll get off the smuggle. So you went to Sundance. What happened at Sundance? Talk to me. I did. Yeah, we have a a rock doc. I don't know if you've ever seen some of these rock docs on B.H.1. It's some of it's certainly some of their best programming. And they've done stuff on Woodstock.

They've done stuff on John Lennon. Really incredible documentaries that they've got. And so we had done a rock doc miniseries for VH1. It's called Get This, the tanning of America, one nation under hip hop. And it's a four hour miniseries. It premieres Monday, February 24th through the 27th. And it's based on a book by a guy named Steve Stout, who used to run the Urban Music Division of Interscope Records.

I mean, that's M&M, Dr. Dre, 50 cent and he wrote this book called The Tanning of America. And this is his theory. His theory is that hip hop culture has done more to advance the cause of civil rights than anyone or anything since Martin Luther King. And a generation plus of Americans, specifically the millennials, who grew up immersed in hip hop culture as like the predominant American culture.

It canned their mental complexion and made it not only acceptable but cool to vote for the first black president. So he credits hip hop culture with electing the first black president. That's brilliant. We've got four hours on VH1 to prove that hypothesis, that theory. That is fucking brilliant. That really is. Fascinating, isn't it?

I actually, in the beginning of the podcast, I told Lee that it was Martin Luther King and then the ABA. Julius Irving did more for black people than anybody in the ABA with the red, white and blue basketball. A lot of people don't fucking know that. I truly believe that. In Miami, the ABA team was the Miami Floridians. A lot of people don't remember that.

I'll drop some knowledge on you bitches right now and shit. Well, it's funny because, you know, VH1, you know, they focus on pop culture and specifically music culture. So we weren't able to get as much of the sports in there as I would have liked. And I said to Steve Stout, to the author, I said, we should go and do the Tanning of America sports edition, you know, over ESPN, because I think, you know, you start with Jackie Robinson and you go to Reggie, you know, and you go to Mike Tyson and you go to these black athletes with their

power and their swagger and the impression they made. We do cover a little bit of Michael Jordan, for example, in the Tanning of America because of that song. I'll never forget growing up that song. It was a Gatorade commercial. Like, remember, I want to be like Mike and it was basically a bunch of little white kids singing about how they wanted to be this tall, extraordinary black athlete.

And that's what Stout would call a tanning moment, you know, a moment where black culture kind of pierces through out of a street, you know, or urban fad or culture and becomes, you know, kind of enters the mainstream. And when you start having commercials on television like that in Madison Avenue, dedicating millions and billions of dollars to perpetuating black and urban and hip hop culture, he calls that a tanning moment, you know, when America's youth and population is being exposed to that culture on different terms and in a different way.

And it's a really interesting idea to tell you the truth. No, it's right. You know, credit kind of hip hop. I think it took the tanning to the next level. I think that there's been tanning throughout the years, not to the degree that there was because I think about for me, for me, I came from Cuba, I lived on, I lived in Jersey first, when I first remembered what was going on, we were on Riverside Drive, a nice building with Jewish people on 89th Street.

That neighborhood's still white, you understand me? And my mom had a bar in Harlem, and I had no friends, you know, I didn't think I went to Pre-K and nothing like that. And one of my first friends is a kid named Jasper Williams. I've never forgotten his name. From time to time, I get high and go on Facebook, but I wouldn't even remember what he looked like today. I remember going to his house and watching Soul Train and listening to, you know,

black music, Great Wind and Fire. And it was a fucking experience for me. I know you grew up in Miami. You know, you had the same black experience around you. And I remember that I liked it. You know, I liked all of the whole scene. But for me, it was Julius Irving who fucking just made me want to jump up and down and have an Afro and fucking stab motherfuckers.

Well, you know, growing up as a Jewish kid, sometimes, you know, we didn't have to want Afros. We had Afros. Yes. We had Afros, as we called them, whether we liked it or not. But what's funny is that when I started to read this book and we were talking about whether or not to make this documentary or this mini-series, you know, I was a little skeptical.

You know, hip-hop elected the president. You know, I mean, never really has a youth culture or what started as a youth culture movement ever elected anybody. I mean, the club kids didn't elect anybody. The hippies, I mean, they got behind McGovern and the anti-war movement in a very unpopular war. McGovern lost, like, 49 states to Nixon for crying out loud. I mean, so I'm thinking, like, how did this happen?

So I'm reading this book and I thought about, like, you just thought about your life and relationship to this tanning idea. And I thought, like, okay, I'm a white, middle-class Jewish kid growing up in North Miami Beach, Florida. And what did I consume culturally? Well, my favorite TV shows were Good Times, The Jeffersons, Different Strokes, The Cosby Show, Different World, 227, Amen. I mean, I'm a little white Jewish kid watching Amen for crying out loud.

Then you had, I was listening to Run DMC and Beastie Boys. Then I was a kid like JJ Fad. I remember being huge for a minute. And then, of course, we had Two Live Crew, much to my parents' chagrin. I was listening to Uncle Luke. Then we had Two Live Jews, which was a parody of Uncle Luke. But I realized, and then I grew up, I'm watching, I'm not watching Saturday Night Live. I'm watching In Living Color.

I'm not watching Johnny Carson. I'm watching Arsenio. And I realized that, yeah, I, like, grew up tan. Like, I grew up with black people in my living room, you know, in my household. And, you know, and to that end, we interviewed Norman Lear. He's 91 years old, sharp as a knife. You know, this is the guy, the old white Jewish guy who created the first all-black sitcoms on television, you know?

And then we interviewed Dr. Dre, and we interview, you know, our Dr. Dre, who helped kind of bring the black experience to white America in terms of what was going on in the urban centers and the inner city streets and the relationship with the police and what was happening. And we interview Puff Daddy, who, you know, a lot of people made fun of his voter die initiative back in 2004, but if you look at what it actually did in terms of mobilizing and registering youth voters, that really led the charge before 2008, in terms of getting young people in the hip-hop generation more involved in politics.

It's a really interesting story. I almost, in the process of making the documentary, had to convince myself, you know, of the theory. And I think I'm convinced that hip-hop elected the first black people. President was responsible, in no small part, for electing the first black president. It's hilarious that you said two live crew, because this is crazy, guys. I never realized this until a couple of days ago, when I got out of prison and I had the baby in 87, 88, 89. I was confused.

You know, I didn't know if I was going to do stand-up, it was just a fucking mind fart to me at the time. When I heard you said it yourself, you like it like I do, put your lips on my dick and suck my asshole, too. I remember hearing that. Well, look at the, these guys were, they were like, you know, they were like Richard Pryor. Oh my God. You know, they were like these wonchy, bald geonics, you know.

Oh my God, when I heard that, I remember listening to it over and over and going, this is what I think constantly, constantly, when you said it yourself, you like it like I do. All that shit drove me, so, you know, I have always thought how I sit around some times and, you know, in 2014, I say the N word to myself, look at this. But I know in my heart, I don't have a bit of racism in me because if it wasn't for black, I had so many fucking black heroes. I had so many black heroes growing up from Pryor to fucking the singer from the Tentations to James Brown to Julius Irving is my everything.

Julius Irving was my everything. I saw Muhammad Ali and I got overwhelmed with tears. I saw him from 10 feet away and I can't tell you what it did to me. You know, that doesn't my hero. The thing about, about sports and about arts and popular culture is that, you know, our, our, our sense of humor and our taste in music, they're colorblind. We don't care what color or comment. I mean, I wore down my VHS tape of the best of Eddie Murphy Saturday Night Live because

I thought he was the funny, you know, and then raw and delirious, you know, with any murder, like, you know, I thought that was the funniest shit I'd ever seen or heard in my life as a kid. And you don't care that the guy's black. You just care that it makes you laugh, that it's funny and same thing with music. You just care what moves you, you know, like whether it moves you internally, emotionally, or it moves you to dance or to tap your foot. I mean, you're, you don't care that, you know, that, that a singer or that a musical artist

is what, what color and nationality they are. You just know whether you like the music and the same thing with sports because if you support a team or you want a team that's a winner, you want the best athletes on that team. And you don't care where they come from or what the color of, of their skin is and that's why all of these things, like really, you know, cultural, Russell Simmons, we interviewed him. He's like, you change the culture, then you can change the world.

And that's what sports does and that's what music and comedy, uh, uh, I mean, I grew up watching, you know, Mel Brooks and Richard, he and Richard prior wrote blazing saddles. I mean, that was one of my early exposure to like race relations in America was blazing saddles. The black cowboy that teaches you a lot. It's amazing. It really fucking amazing. You're always a savage to have on the show, bro.

You're an enlightenment on a Monday morning. Well, I gotta say, I realized, you know, gummy, when I think of gummies, I think of the, you know, the treats that you can get there on the West coast, you know, gummies and gummies down here. All of a sudden our, uh, our, uh, steroids, we discovered from the A-Rod and this whole A-Rod story. Can you imagine everything has a Florida connection? You realize that every major scandal, every single thing, that's what you wake up Monday

morning and I'm always ready to go because I'm like, okay, what shit show is going to the fall? Our story is going to break in Florida this morning, you know, and, and of course, uh, we had the, we had the gummies, the gummies, you know, the gummies, the heroin, hilarious. I mean, I watched it on 60 minutes and I read a little bit about it about a month ago online. I was in a hotel. It's fucking amazing. It just is amazing.

I'm not mad at the guy. I don't, you know, what am I going to do? Who am I to fucking judge A-Rod before the level of Christ? He was blasting those things during the fucking game. You know, addiction and mental addiction works in so many fucking ways and just, it's just a bit of a railroad though, I think. I mean, I think in terms of the fairness and, and the man's never failed a drug test, you know, you could say it's because this guy, this, this Tony Bosch guy who, you know, people

didn't really get a full picture, I think from the 60 minutes interview. Oh, he's a scumbag too. Yeah. This guy's a scumbag too. Don't do, let's listen. So listen, let's, let, let, let me tell you something, okay? I am not a scumbag. I'm a kid that made mistakes.

The day I kidnapped Ken Vella, I was involved with scumbags. I'm not doing time because I was a scumbag. I'm doing time because of who I was involved with. Sometimes it's the group you hang with, bro. That makes you guilty. What is one of the biggest fucking laws that's been established in this country? Rico. This is 1960.

They love the Rico and Rico in real life. There's Rico. We don't know that there's Rico. Sometimes you being on a fucking caseload with a bad agent is fucking Rico. You're up there with a bunch of fucking debt squad. You know, you're up there with a bunch of fucking idiots and your agents trying to sell you. Rico is included in a lot of things in life.

The fact that Abraham was messing with this guy. He was messing with him for some reason. I think that's a lie. That guy's offering 50,000. I think the law, that's bullshit. We're dealing with a fucking scumbag here. They all. You're right.

This is, this is, this is GBA. This is guilt by association. Yeah, this is guilt by association. There's no doubt about that. But the truth of the matter is, is that he's paying him 12 grand a month. What if he's just getting sugar pills? What if he is not getting, he didn't fail a drug test. What if the guy's just giving him hope?

What if it's the placebo effect? What if, because remember, this guy had three, four other patients, patients. He told himself a doctor wore a lab coat. The guy's a schmuck. He went to, he went to a, to medical school in, you know, in, in Zimbabwe. I don't even know where he went. You know, and so calling himself a doctor and a nutritionist and how does he know the difference between, you know, the midstream pee or the beginning of the stream or 15 minutes

before a game or five minutes before a game. It's nonsense because he had three, four other players that did fail drug tests, but A-Rod didn't, you know, and, and, and the, the baseball, uh, uh, you know, commissioners putting this guy out there as a bastion of, of truth in the arbiter of, of, of, of all that is, of accurate and corroborated evidence and I think, I think they, I think that's a problem. I really, I really do. I mean, if you're going to punish a guy like that and cost him $25 million, I know nobody's

gotten any love loss for, uh, for A-Rod, but, but the truth of the matter is, is that maybe the guy didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he even thought he was doing something wrong associating with this guy, but they're actually other than the word of this guy. It isn't a lot of evidence for it. And that, you know, that, that bothers me a little bit in terms of justice. That, that pistol A-Rod for something that we don't know about. There's something going on here that we don't know.

That's what you have to assume. There's a fact here that's fucking missing, whether the Yankees don't want to pay him, whether he pissed the Yankees off. There's something here that we don't know that the clouds haven't parted and showed the true color of the sky yet. That's the problem here. I felt just like you. He hasn't failed the fucking drug test.

So why are they after this fucking guy? There's something more lurking here and it's going to hurt major league baseball. I think there's something that maybe the baseball guy was taking the pay off. This is A-Rod. This is A-Rod you're talking about. Listen, I heard stories about the seventies how Montana was snorting dope up there in San Francisco and they kept saying he was going to back therapy and whatever. Remember when he came back from back surgery after six weeks and he destroyed somebody?

Look it up. Now they're saying that was all a bullshit that he was just in a fucking rehab that the NFL would fucking take him into the witness relocation plan for six weeks. And you know, you never fucking know. Look at what they just said, but look at the book they wrote about the charges. The cocaine guys, they were down there buying kilos and they lost to Miami that year or they beat Miami that fucking year in 81 or 82 that they stayed down there for a week and snorted it.

Who the fuck knows anymore, Billy? But something is going on here. And I think it's something to do with major league baseball. I think somewhere there was a breakdown of communication with the P-Test, something. They know something we don't know, like Sosa. Well, there was evidence there. There was hard evidence. There was scientific evidence there, you know, and that's the thing is that my feeling is

what we don't know means that the guy's innocent until he's proven guilty and we can't convict him, you know, in our minds or otherwise because of something that we think we don't see or because of information we don't have yet. If the evidence exists, let's see if we can convict a guy. What if somebody was pissing from? What if there's a bunch of what ifs that we don't fucking know who was pissing from? Maybe that guy flipped and they're waiting to that to hold on. Who the fuck knows with these creepy motherfuckers?

You know, listen, when people don't understand this, and I want you to let people know, before NFL, NBA or baseball fucking people sign you and invest $60 million into you, they fucking they follow you. They have league officials. They follow you. They watch you. You're an investment, brother. You're a fucking investment for them.

You are. Every time you step foot, they watch that foot. They don't want you on a fucking motorcycle. They don't want you doing nothing. So who the fuck knows what's really going on? Why do the Yankees do this deal? I mean, nobody thought this was a very wise deal for them, for them to do this kind of money on a player at that age.

And I don't know that he thought that he was going to play or be able to play as long as they, you know, as they signed him for, you know, you're right about that. But at the same time, sometimes these guys do things impulsively with all this money that they have and don't really think about the consequences. And you were right when you said that the Yankees do not want to pay this guy. They don't want to pay. And whether or not that affects this investigation or this situation, that's another unknown as well.

Listen, this motherfucker doesn't play for a season. He comes back at the age of 40, right? Something like that. I don't know all the facts. He comes back. At this age, you got to swing a bat every fucking day to stay sharp at 40 because these killers are going to, now when he comes back at 40, they're going to really be watching. They're really going to be watching.

There's going to be somebody there. He's going to have to pay for his own P test. They're going to have to, they're going to come back with something at him like fucking you wouldn't believe. And that means somebody is not going to pay him his fucking money. Somebody will take a chance. Somebody will pay a ride when he's 40. Trust me when I'm telling you, but they're going to be watching him.

This is going to rule. I don't know. What's going to happen with this? He's going to spring training, correct? He don't give a fuck. Well, he says he's going. I mean, he's got it. He's got to keep, if he's going to miss a season, he still got to, like you said, he's

got to play every day. He's got to train. He can't, he can't hang out and drink coffee in Red Bull for a year. He's got to, you know, he's got to get it together. He's got to make sure he's conditioned to come back because at the moment he's basically got a one season suspension, you know, so that's what he's got to prepare for coming back and, and ostensibly the Yankees have to continue paying him on that contract or trade him away after this, or during this year, your long suspension.

That's where he's at now. But of course he's suing Major League Baseball and anybody else to try to get this thing overturned because he said there's no evidence to, you know, to support it. I want to see a needle. Me? Listen, if I'm the fucking judge in a court just like you, you're an intelligent fucking guy. You're getting up there and you're a judge.

You got to see something. I want to see a tape. I want to fucking hear a conversation, forget about texts and gummies and whatever the fuck you're saying on the thing. I could be talking about vitamin, I could be talking about vitamin D12. I could be talking about a light testosterone. I could be talking about a thousand things acupuncture, 12,000 a month don't sound like no fucking big home run to me.

So something was going on here. So you know what? Fuck O in Florida. You got to show me a syringe with DNA on it from his fucking ass blood. You got to show me something here and I'm not, you know, this is just, this is just somebody who's done time. This is somebody who's watched orders of law and all that. I watched two episodes last night.

You got to show me something. This is some fucking scumbag that, you know, you could tell how to bad fucking wig. You know, you could tell everything about him. He's just one of those people that moves to Florida and gets a second chance. Well, this is the other, you know, you know what they say, Los Angeles is the place you go when you want to be somebody in New York's where you go and you are somebody and Miami's where you go when you want to be somebody else. So we are home of second and third and fourth and fifth chances and that's the other thing

too is that, you know, we saw it in the NCAA investigation of the University of Miami Hurricanes football program. We saw it in this investigation. You lay down with fleas and you get dirty and we've got now the U.S. Attorney investigating major league baseball investigators and the fact that they were investigating the allegation that they knowingly were paying cash out of a slush fund for stolen documents that were stolen out of a car at a tanning salon that had been taken from Tony Bosch's biogenesis lab.

I mean, this is just, it's kind of just classic Florida. You know, you come down here and nobody leaves with clean hands. You know, it's just that's how we, that's how we roll. It's fucking amazing. When's the show air, brother February 24th through the 27th, new episode every night on VH1. Brother, I love you and I'm happy you called and good luck with everything that you do. You're a fucking star, brother.

I can't tell you. I saw an advanced screening of grudge match, so I hadn't seen any commercials. I hadn't looked at the whole cast list and I'm sitting there with Megan. You met Megan backstage down here and she and I, she started giggling and I'm like, what? She's like, look, she's pointing and I'm like, who's that reading that us weekly in the corner? I was like, oh my God, dude, it made our whole night.

I loved it. You know, I don't fuck around dog. It wasn't an Academy Award winner, but we did what we had to do and I was close to one of my idols, you know, one of the guys that got this started in my head. So I could watch you read us weekly for hours and just laugh my ass off. That would be the, that would be one of the funniest weeks. And by the way, we actually loved the movie. We laughed.

We had so much fun. It doesn't have to be a masterpiece to just, you know, go and have a good time at the movie theater and it was a joy and more importantly, a pleasure to see you up there. Thank you, brother. You know, I love you at all my heart and someday I like to work with you. You're a fucking brilliant man, dog. Thank you, sir. Thank you for having me today.

Thank you, brother. God damn that was good. I love when he calls it. He always makes me something. What's up, Lisa at cocksucker? It's fucking Monday the 20th. Get up, shoot somebody, wash your pussy out of respect for black people. Got a little, I fucking love you, cocksucker.

William Pussy, Edith Jones. I love you too. Vanessa, happy birthday. Sandman, whatever the fuck, Sondarin, your husband loves you. Greg Powers and the hot Asians, Chick Lynn and Laverin or Tega. Sergio wants to lick your asshole and poke his nose in it and do a fucking patient. What, Lee? What, Lee? What the fuck, fuck, Lee?

What? No, I just had so many questions when he was talking. Why don't you say none? You're sitting there like a bump on a fucking log. You know what I'm saying? Because the story is always better when you guys are talking. No, I want you to go crazy. He's a fucking co-host, cocksucker.

It's crazy. Dog, we live in some fucked up times. Yeah, I think it's all about money with A-Rod because the other guy who, the other guy who they caught with him was Ryan Vaughn, last year's MVP, who got out of it at first because he said, oh, the guy didn't treat the P-test right. So he got out on a technicality. So but the next biggest name is A-Rod and he has had two,

at least $250 million contracts. I think it's all just it's all money. It's a fucking nightmare, isn't it, Lee? Yeah. That's why you stay humble. You mind your business and you stick to what the fuck, you know, hard work. And that's it. It's just hard to believe that, listen, man, I can't imagine being a baseball player or a football player, being 35, feeling like you're getting older

and you still have to perform. You still have to be $20 million. He's been doing it since high school. So he's been doing it for like 20 years. You're playing in the biggest media market in the world, or at least the top three where they fucking destroy you. New York isn't right on people. I love New York. I love the city I'm from.

But when you're a Tony Soprano or or a quarterback in New York or whatever, they're waiting for you to slip up. They're waiting for you to slip up, you know, so it's tough. I understand. I understand how you have to be the best. But to get involved with fucked up people, sometimes it's all going to end up, you know, I mean, yeah, there's better way. It's in this in this. And, you know, again, you got to excuse me.

You got to show me the fucking needle. Yeah, that's why you don't want don't do no needles, don't do none. You want to stop and replace and all little things like that to give you a boost. Go to on it dot com on. It's got some fucking shit that will put you in those fucking levels. How do I know? Because I'm 50 and I'm not huffing and puffing anymore, especially the fucking the shrimp tech with the mushrooms in it.

That shit will get you the sport. I promise you, dog, everybody I give it to everybody turning on to that shit says to me, Joey, you know, the alpha brain gave me a headache or the alpha brain made me a killer or whatever. But the fucking shroom tech took it to the next level. The other day, I fucked for 28 minutes, shit like that. You understand me? And that's what you want to hear. I'll fucking tell you that the fucking hemp force protein, the chocolate, I've been living off of it again, not the last three days, because I've been a little sick.

But that shit with the fucking glutacore in it to get everything going, 18 grams of protein, you can't lose. They have a thing now that just like Dollar Shave Club, they'll send you everything every month on the first on your schedule for 20 percent off. Plus the 10 go to honor.com, go to joeydears.net, go to honor.com, pressing the box church. What are you fucking nuts or what? Get your 10 percent off, sign up today.

They got some neat stuff at honor. Even if you don't go get a kettlebell, swing it around. They got everything. They got the fucking the alpha brain and the stuff to 180 turn around. They've got some great things going on. I still wouldn't be with them if I didn't think if I didn't believe them. Give me a fucking break. All right. It's a new year.

You got fucking resolutions. You're going to be healthy. You're going to drink vegan juice and fucking cut your toenails. Start with honor. Go to fucking joeydears.net. Go to the honor box press church. Church, are you fucking nuts or what and get 20 percent off? Number two, Dollar Shave Club.

Let me tell you something. Today, I didn't know I did shave for it. I fucking love them. You know how many fucking backup brazes I have? You know, I have like five of them because I don't go to them. They even have a program that if you want them to slow it up, they'll still charge the same, but they slow it up. It's a dollar, six dollars and nine dollars.

Nobody gets a bad deal from Dollar Shave Club. Nobody. Do you understand me? Whatever budget you have. Let's pretend you don't want to do a dollar program and you don't want to do a nine dollar program. The six dollar fucking program times 10 is 72 fucking dollars a year. You got a fixed rate income on fucking things. You can write it down.

You can send it to the tax man. What do you spend a year on raises? Bam, 72 dollars. Thanks, Uncle Joey. Go to joeydears.net. Go to the fucking Dollar Shave Club box and press church. Church, you bad mother fuckers. And get your day started.

You want to shave your pussy? You want to have that mint spray for your asshole that'll take care of that. Every day is Christmas in your fucking world. You understand me? What's up, Lisa? You bad motherfucker. And speaking of someone you gave honesty, don't we have a friend at your jujitsu who has a tournament coming up?

Zach, my man, Zach Della Roach. She's got a thing. We got him a little fucking jersey. If he wins, he's on the fucking podcast next week. If he loses, I'm throwing him to a cage of poison. He's just nice. Fuck him. Zach from GMAC.

I wish you all luck in the world. Him and the Russian. Globachev of wrestling in the Gracie Nationals down in I think it's Long Beach of Sandy. I don't really know before I talk shit. I think it's Long Beach this weekend. So I want to wish all the competitors, you know, some day I wish I could do it. But I'm fucking over the hill. Who am I going to fucking wrestle with?

Well, do they have like a... They've got a 50 and above, but I'm no fucking master. What am I not doing there? Go for it. No, this is unlimited. This is 15 minute rounds. Submission only. No, Lee.

I could do a three minute round. Well, they don't have it by belt. You can't do another white belt. They got it by belt, Lee, but it's fucking submission only 15 fucking minutes. Did you... What part of that don't you understand? Well, 15 minute round. 15 minute fucking rounds, Lee.

Are you kidding me? Maybe not this year, but maybe by the end of the year. I think you can do it. What are you fucking... Anthony Robbins, Cocksucker. Yeah. Together, right? 15 minutes.

I breathe, I huff and puff for five, and that's if I get on top of you and side control. I'm huffing and puffing. I sweat this bacon fucking oil on you. Can you imagine 15 fucking minutes? I'd have a heart attack, dog. I could work for it. I love to do something like that as a personal goal. I'd have to definitely go down to 250, 240.

That would take a lot of weight off, and that would help my breathing. And then maybe, maybe, you know, it would have to be no leg locks or nothing like that. It would just have to be and submission only. No, I, you know, I could score some points on a motherfucker. I'd get you in side control. Oh, can you see your points? OK. Yeah. And in the Gracie Nationals, there's no points.

OK. It's just submission only. That's it. We go to the fucking death like gladiator in 94. Whatever fucking year that came out, and you understand me? So that's what I'm trying to say to you, Lee. I can't talk about ha ha's and he's something else, too. I want to tell you, you guys are saying, Joey, what the fuck? No, this is what the fuck's going on, all right? We do a podcast. People get in touch with us.

They say, look, eat our stuff or try our stuff right now. We're going to we're talking to some people in fucking Nebraska about doing some fucking the tubs and all that shit. We're talking to my people, the gummies or monos. We're going to get them on board with all the other podcasts. Some people reach out to us and I try this shit and I like it. This week, I ate the Asahi granola from Nature's Box. Fucking delicious.

Nature's Box is this company, healthy fucking snacks. Nutrition is prepared. They are delicious. And when I say delicious, I specify the Asahi granola, the pumpkin seeds. And I stress the fucking the sesame sticks. But the ones that killed me with the cocoa fucking almonds, which we got to God said, should I both fucking back? Go to fucking Nature's Box.

Go to joeydeers.net, go to Nature's Box. On the first order, you get 50 percent off. If you want to sign up for monthly delivery or by monthly delivery, you could on your own accord. Whatever the fuck you want to do, you want to do. Go to Nature's Box right now. Go to my page, joeydeers.net, go to Nature's Box. You get 50 fucking percent off of the first order right there.

So the bags of twenty dollars, whatever you get, ten dollars. I'll tell you what, you're going to call me and go, Joey, that was the best fucking snack the other. I smoke 50 fucking joints. I was out of apples and I ate the cocoa almonds the next day. I did 20 jumping jacks and I was back. Yeah, code word Joey. That's right, code word Joey.

You bad motherfuckers. What's going on? What's the week look like for you? Just these podcasts. I have flying radio tomorrow. I have Rick tomorrow. Today I have Jerry and it looks like I'm going to be starting one with Paula because we did one Saturday night.

We got a bunch of great calls. I told you, I think Paula's a homeowner. I think that she talks about. I think that what Paula's doing is one of the toughest things out there is being an attorney and to be a Latino attorney is even more, you know, saying like Paula's fucking working hard and she's going to be good at it because you could see that she knew what she was getting herself into. I think it's something that people need to know.

It's a good struggle that people should go through together. Because you give up a piece of your life. You give up your social life. You have to for three to four years. There's nothing. Yeah. But, you know, there's a payday. You got to stand with that shit. You miss a night and you're behind the eight ball.

Oh, yeah, you miss a night. Dicking around and you're done. You learn the fucking hard way. It's like going out on a Wednesday and snort and blow going on a Tuesday and snort and blow your fucking weakest shot. You can't think to know you didn't sleep. You didn't get no rest. So I take my fucking heart out to any law students.

It was something that I wanted to do early on, but I was a failure. And I fucking got arrested and I had a drop and it broke my heart for a long time. But you move on. I'm also I'm doing a fucking podcast with a little fucking cute Jew on a Monday and Wednesday. I got second. I go in and burn you in the eyeball with the joint. What's up, dog? Oh, my God, nothing. That's it. That's it. What?

I'm going to Minneapolis. That's what's it. I'm flying out fucking Thursday. I'm excited. The House of Comedy, Rick Bronson's at the fucking ball. Bloomington, Minneapolis, A.K.A. I'm going to eat good. I'm going to live good. I'm going to relax. I'm going to go with my fucking script. I'm going to behave myself.

I come back Sunday. I'm going to take care of myself this week. I don't even think I'm kettlebelling it this week. You're not going to do that. You know what? I don't want to break a sweat. I cannot take a fucking chance today. Why would I want to take a chance like that? I didn't. You know what?

Like I said, I slept a lot, but I still felt how tired I felt this morning. How hard I didn't even know the word yesterday. I didn't do nothing. Why did I fucking wake up with such a hangover? So it's still inside me. So I'm just going to take it easy. I'm going to write a little bit today. They got Law and Order on all day. Just do that.

What's that? They got Law and Order on all day. I got better things to do. I wish I could. When was this? No, in the hotel, when you're in Minneapolis. What's Law and Order? What all day? What are you talking about? What do you mean what I'm talking about?

I'm just talking about relaxing in Minneapolis. Oh, I thought you said Law and Order. Yeah, watching Law and Order. I don't think it's on. It's always on. How do you fucking know? It's on every channel. There's the criminal intent, which I like.

The sex one gets too intense sometimes. The sex one gets too intense sometimes. But I like the WE, that channel, We on 260 Something. They didn't play in Law and Order. Badass ones from the beginning. So that's pretty impressive. IFC is fucking impressing the shit out of me with their stuff.

And it's amazing. A lot of stuff is going on these lines. I spoke to Ray Canella, by the way. Oh, I love Ray. Ray, we Facebooked each other back and forth. That podcast was very interesting because it made me look at Hulu Plus. It made me look at what all these channels are becoming now.

Hulu Plus, we're still working with them, too. And that's a fabulous fucking deal. For your people that didn't sign up for Hulu Plus, I don't know what the fuck you're waiting on. I really don't. I want to reach my hands on a computer and just open the fucking eyeball because for two weeks for free and $7.99 a month,

I don't even know what to tell you. You're fucking embarrassing me at this point again. Go to fucking Joey Diaz, not net. Go to Hulu Plus. You're going to see a box there. Pressing the code Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y. You get two weeks on the arm.

Get to investigators, see what's on there. Documentaries, movies, TV shows, original programming. Just to speak of the few shit they got on there. You go on there for two weeks. You see if it's worth your while. They keep getting new stuff. They keep getting new episodes. Well, why are you sitting there looking at me for?

Go to the fucking Joey Diaz, not net. Look at tour dates. The shirts are coming soon. The geek patch is coming soon. We got a bunch of shit crackle-acking in 2014. You eat your pussy with asthma tour is on full effect this week. Next week, we're at the fucking ice house,

maybe on Wednesday night. I do not know. I'll find out today for sure. I'll let everybody know on fucking Wednesday. Look, man, it's Martin Luther King week, or Martin Luther King day, whatever the fuck it is. I don't know what you believe in Martin. Give him the week.

What the fuck, give him the week. He deserves the week. He deserves the week. He's a bad black mofo and shit from Kentucky and whatever the fuck he's from. What time is it? I don't even give a fuck what time it is. I'm having a good time.

7.45. Who gives a fuck? I'm having a fucking great time with you cocksuckers today. I'm gonna go home, the baby's gonna be on fire. It's gonna be a good day. You know what, today I got up and I was a little feeling fucked up and I drank some green tea

and I didn't feel like drinking a protein shake for breakfast, so I had a half of American cheese on wheat bread with mustard just to put some in my stomach as I had no appetite. And as the morning kept going more and more, I thought about calling you for like a split second and saying, you know what, I'm just gonna rest. And I thought about everybody who stayed home today

and people that are getting their day. So I go, who the fuck am I to take the day off? What the fuck is wrong with me? I got up, I listened to some fucking music and I was fired up. I took two hits off the fucking pipe, I watched my fucking pussy and I walked out the door and it was still dark.

Yeah. But it was so fucking beautiful out and I was so happy to be fucking alive, to be feeling better. I know how bad I felt this weekend. There was one point I thought it was having a heart attack. This side was hurting. I was barfing up.

I was barfing fucking with everything. Green tea, red tea, purple tea, tea, tea, every fucking tea. And you know man, we're fucking lucky to be doing this league. We're lucky that I'm talking to you people. I'm lucky that I get to meet you guys. This is becoming an adventure for me. It's not even going out to work anymore for me.

It's going out to see who the fuck you people are that I tweet with and who listen to the podcast. So I appreciate everything you do. I appreciate you guys keeping the album in the top 10. You can't eat pussy with asthma on iTunes and motherfucking payloads. Just like that because I don't wanna hear it from you motherfuckers.

Joey, we don't like doing business on iTunes. There are a bunch of fucking Jew killers. I don't give a fuck, all right? You're fucking lucky iTunes. You go to payloads. I'm just telling you this today. Cause it's a fucking Monday and I want you to start the week off

in a positive fucking direction. That's all I'm trying to say to you motherfuckers. Look at Lee's looking good. He's got the bronchitis. Hopefully this week we'll call Jeremy. Let's see if he can start giving you an evaluation. You can do some jumping jacks with him. And know how you park your shadow bucks.

Let me see your shadow bucks. You don't even wiggle for Joey no more. You don't give me hugs. Now you don't let me rub your head. That's why New England didn't win cause you don't let me rub your little fucking Jew dough. You always go for it. I never let you do it.

You just always, you get me high and then you go from behind and you scratch your little fucking cabesa for good luck. How the fuck are you? Oh shit. Anyway, get out there, be yourself. Who gives a fuck about these motherfuckers? Unless they're paying your bills,

they could all suck your dick. You gotta go and make what's fucking coming at you. And that's it. Plain and simple. It's Monday, January 20th. Go out there. They ain't electing nobody for president today. You're the motherfucking president cause I said so.

Have a great day. Stay black, smoke some reefer, do some jumping jacks and tell the motherfucking next to you love them. That's it, I'm out. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows

anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcasting and an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razors since your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church

or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshave. Don't forget. Club banner. Now that the show's over, also remember to go to naturebox.com. Nature box, 50% off. And get great tasting, healthy snacks for 50% off. Snacks, some of them.

Cocoa almonds. Oh yeah, all of them. Sesame seed sticks, tremendous. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like French toast, granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com and use promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com, promo code Joey.

Don't fuck around, it's Monday. Oh shit. I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the dead not tomorrow. I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the dead not tomorrow. I shot the deputy. All around in my home town, they're trying to track me down. They say they want to bring me guilty for the killing of the deputy, for the life of the deputy.

I shot the sheriff, but I swear it was itself in place. I shot the sheriff, and they say it is a cat on the roof. I shot the cat on the roof, and he says it is a cat on the roof. Sheriff John Brown always taken me for what I don't know. Every time that I plan a scene, he said he lived before it goes. He said he lived before it goes. He said he lived before it goes. I shot the sheriff, but I swear it was itself in place.

I shot the sheriff, but I swear it was itself in place. I shot the sheriff, but I said it was itself in place. Freedom came my way one day, and I started out around there. All of a sudden, I see Sheriff John Brown. He did not shoot me down, so I shot, I shot him down. I shot the sheriff. I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.

Reflex has got the better of me And what is to be must be Every day the bucket goes to the well One day the bottom will drop out Yes, one day the bottom will drop out I'll share it all I was shocked to share it But I didn't shoot the deputy

Oh, no, oh I was shocked to share it But I did not shoot no deputy Oh, no, oh Thank you for watching