Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #144 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, March 7th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Liquid I.V., Lucy Nicotine Gum & BetterHelp….. Go to https://www.Liquid-IV.com Use JOEY at checkout for 25% OFF! Go to https://www.Lucy.co Use PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% OFF! Better Help Online Therapy - Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Yes, it is. It's Monday, the 7th of March, a beautiful motherfucking Monday, and the joint is brought to you by Liquid IV. Listen, when you're working out, you want the best, the best equipment, the best routine. Now Liquid IV is here to give you the best hydration.

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And now without further ado, to join on a Monday morning. Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 7th of motherfucking March. A beautiful fucking day to be alive. I had a great weekend. Things are going on. The UFC was great.

Last week was a weird week for me because I finished a fucking book the week before. So, guys, the last 14 months, this book has, you know, kept me busy a couple of nights. You know, you have to sit down and outline and look at the previous outline and see what you want to add to it. So like I tell you guys, you know, I'd not like to watch TV with my wife, my daughter, but at one point I just turned the TV off and I would outline this. And it would be like three nights a week, sometimes on the weekends, but it was my job for the time being, you know,

and the last two weeks I haven't been doing that shit. So this week early on the week, I'm like, what the fuck's going on in my life? I'm so fucking bored, you know, I'm fucking bored to pieces here. And it was like Monday and Tuesday I had errands, you know, I got my regular shit, but something was missing all week. I'm like, fuck, this sucks. And by Friday I was having a rough fucking day. Like Friday afternoon, guys, we have good days and we have bad days

and my day was just not going well. And my phone went off and it was one of my buddies from the eighth grade, David Ruiz. Great guy. We hooked up like in the sixth grade and he's like, hey man, what are you doing this weekend? You know, I could, I go out Saturday night if you're available. And I was like, you know what, man, my wife, and I was just about to make an excuse that my wife was out of town or whatever. And I go, no, let's fucking do it.

Let's do it. I go, let's do this. Let's start simple. Let's go for a nice fucking steak. Let's meet at Steakhouse 85 in New Brunswick right over that 85 Church Street across from the stress factory. That whole area, I don't know if you've ever been to the stress factory. If you're ever going to go see a comic at the stress factory, do me a favor. Spend the extra fucking hundred and go to dinner and fucking New Brunswick.

Whether it's the 85, which is fucking tremendous. Rogan took me there maybe 15 fucking years ago and it's been nothing but great. And the head chef goes to Gracie Jiu-Jitsu with me. So it's fucking perfect. It's perfect. I didn't see him Friday. He went on Saturday. I went on Friday.

I didn't go on Saturday. So I never got a chance to talk to him. So I just wanted to salvage a night. So it was me and Dave. I called Louis Hernandez. You know, my buddy was Dominican, but moved to North Bergen and everybody would call him fucking racial epitaphs and shit. And believe it or not, he was in. And then I called my man, Whitey, because he's the one, his wife was the one that initiated this whole thing.

And he's like, let me check and I'll hit you up tomorrow. And he hit me up that night. Friday night he hit me up and he goes, I'm fucking in. And I was like, wow. So we got the original foursome. You know, we're missing like Chuckie and a couple of guys, Dominic Speciale, rest his soul. So I go, let's just start it off with four of us. Whitey called me back and he goes, I'm bringing my friend Dominic.

I said, go ahead. I remember Dominic from back in the day. And it's so weird. Like I've always told you guys, I just saw this the other day, a video of me popped up on tiktok. Like I don't subscribe to tiktok. I've never posted on tiktok. But yeah, I'm all over tiktok. And the other day I saw a tiktok video on Twitter and it was just me saying, you know, you don't need all this shit.

In your life with three friends. You could conquer the fucking world. Did you see that? Yeah. And I'm like, wow. That's crazy. I forgot. I even said that shit about your three friends.

And when I saw that, I go, holy shit. I got to see my friends. But I'll tell you guys, Friday was just, I don't know. It was like, I was just down. I even did a patreon podcast and I talked about that life. You have your ups and downs, you know, and that's a good thing. That's great about life. That life doesn't always suck and life isn't always great.

Can you imagine that for your life was always great? You wake up in the morning, a chick is sucking your dick. You hit the lotto. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? After a month, you're like, I can't do this no more. People sucking my dick and me winning money every day and me having fun. What the fuck?

Can't my cat get hit by a car or something like that? Something, you know, you know, life isn't fucking. You know, but sometimes, so if my wife was gone, I go fuck it. Let's go. You know, let's go and sure enough, Saturday, I woke up with the Joey Diaz syndrome. I woke up with the regular syndrome. I don't know if I want to go. I don't feel good.

What if I get car sick? I mean, I'm only fucking 20 minutes from the Brunswick. How car sick can I fucking get? So I got up yesterday. I had honey nut Cheerios because I was going to eat meat anyway. So I said, yeah, I prepare honey nut Cheerio like Omar from the wire. That shit keeps your cholesterol down. You know what I'm saying?

So I had some honey nut Cheerio for breakfast. That was it. And for lunch, I had a peanut bun and jelly sandwich home made tremendous. A little jiff creamy. Stop it. Walter's great from the fucking. Oh, tremendous. So I fucking I was prepared for last night about four o'clock.

I popped like 600 milligrams and ABX edibles because listen, I'm not going to a high price steakhouse and not going to eat. You don't understand, guys. I don't have the appetite. I used to like like a fucking chubby dude. I don't have it no more. I can't even I order a 14 ounce steak. Half of it comes home and that's fresh from smoking a joint.

No thing. You just don't have it no more. So I I fuck it. I go, you know what? I'm going to prepare myself just in case I took 800 milligrams. 800 milligrams with me, but I popped three here, 600. I popped three ABX capsules and then I had one left. I put it in my pocket just in case I need a little buffer later on.

You know what I'm saying? For the right home, sometimes you got to get the wing going. So I take my shower. I wash my pussy and I fucking drive up to New Brunswick and right away. I fucking get in no problems. I, you know, I had the waves. I got lost even with the fucking wave app. I said, make a left on Lincoln.

And there I was. And I'll never forget. I pulled in there's a parking garage next to the stress factory across the street from a steakhouse 85 and fucking the light changed three times before I even got to the fucking garage because that's how busy this. A lot of people go out to dinner in East Brunswick and New Brunswick. And they have a lot of shit going on. They have theater and plays.

It's a night. You know, Rutgers is there. It's just a great little fucking town. You know, so I pulled into a driving town. I'm like, fuck, I'm enough to walk up to the fourth floor. I could see all the cars. But there's Uncle Joe. He's pulling in.

I see these spots. Three of them are wide open. They go 30 minute parking only. Fuck you. I pulled right into that. I ain't walking up there. I pulled right into the 30 minute parking lot. And as I got out, there was a chick there with the car to give tickets.

But I fucking didn't even look at it. I just kept walking on. I got to make it in there. And I walked in and the lady goes, how are you? I go, great. I'm here. Meet my friends. The last name is Diaz.

And she goes already at the fucking bar. I was like, God damn. Walked over there and we fucking almost broke down right there. My legs were going soft on me. When Louie hugged me and Dave hugged me, it was fucking insane. And I posted. How long it had been? How long it had been?

35 years. I did not see them from 1985. Not a comedy show because they're not on social media, these guys. So they lived by their kids. Their kids would tell them, Coco's coming and they would always tell them too late. But the one guy's sister would come see me and I would always exchange messages for him with her, you know. But it was so weird to sit at a table with these dudes.

You gotta remember there was five of us, three of us, me, Louie and Dave were in the same eighth grade and seventh grade class. How fucking crazy is that? As soon as we sat down, I could see that everybody was a little kind of like it was surreal. Dave, my friend Dave was, he was struggling with it. And I could feel for him, but you also gotta remember I knew these three, these guys knew my mother. That's what made this dinner even more special.

They would come to my house all the time, play basketball, go swimming. My mom would cook rice and beans for them and fucking steaks and shit. And they were all talking about my mom last night that they were all, they were fucking hysterical stories about my mom and my mom would tell them to shut the fuck up. We had a kid lifting at my house one day and he put a lot of weight on. I'm saying, I know, I know now. He had like a fucked up chin as it was like Marlon Brando. But when he went in my backyard, my mom was on the phone looking out the door like, what

are these guys doing? We're in the backyard. We got a bench out in the backyard and we're bench pressing and shit. And it's Lucio's turn. He's one of the commissioners up in Union City now. And we, he starts throwing on, I don't know, you guys don't remember. Weights used to be plastic with cement inside. So the fucking weights were like half built.

The concrete was falling off. They were old weights. We're like 13. We're trying to be fucking bodybuilders. We're putting the fucking weights on there. Lucio's like, put more weight on for me. Put more weight on for me. So he grabs a fucking bar and all of a sudden he goes, he lifts it up and it just goes straight

down like it didn't even, you know, you hold the bench like, ah, help. He just went root and it went right down and hit him in the chin. So we picked it up. He's like, ah, ah. So my mom will call him the chin after that. Put some ice on the chin. And then every time he'd come home, I might forget the chin. Lucky hot in Spanish.

We were talking about all that shit, but it was just, it was surreal that we had the bond that we had. I tried to tell you guys that this was going to happen about six months ago. I said, watch guys, I'm going to connect with my grammar school buddies and that's going to be the beginning of me. It's going to change me because I'm back to where I was. You know, I was older than these guys, but if you remember, I got left back on the seventh grade.

The seventh grade year I got left back and I played basketball when I wasn't any good. And then the year I got left back, I was fucking embarrassed. These guys never made fun of me. They never called me stupid. They never said nothing. The year I got left back, I felt so bad in the seventh grade that I just disappeared. I joined the basketball team. I was going to karate again and I was just trying to get my life together.

I was fucking humiliated that I got left back. Fucking humiliated. I sat in that class the first month and I was just so fucking uncomfortable. I thought I was going to fucking die. And next thing you know, these guys just, you know, I always knew Dave. And before I moved to the McKinley area in North Bergen, I lived in the McKinley, I'm sorry, I had lived in the McKinley area in North Bergen. When I first moved in, I was still going to parochial school in Carney and Carney New Jersey,

taking it out of school for boys. I didn't hang out with North Bergen people, but I did. When I would go to my mother's bar, it was on 29th and Bergen line. I would walk down to the 26th Street projects in North Bergen. And that was my introduction really to North Bergen. That was a complete different world down there. We were talking about last night, the Carvajals, the fucking Martin Perez, the Martin Perez's father was fucking one of the guys in Batista's army.

So I told you guys that when they landed in North Bergen, they were okay. But then the word got out that this guy lived in North Bergen. So fucking they came after him to kill him. So the feds had to take Martin Perez. So all of us ran down there at that time. It was me, David Ruiz, Martin Perez, Armando, Dean Laprete, just so many fucking, and we were always up to no good. We were always stealing light bulbs from fucking Duratest and hitting each other on the heads with it.

We would fill fucking socks with flour and beat the fuck out of each other. We'd have flour all over us. I mean, there was no drugs. There was no thievery involved. And somewhere along the line, I became friends with David Ruiz and this kid named Armando Rudy. And these guys were a blast. I don't know if you guys remember this being young and having that crew that you talked about sex with, like all the things you were going to do to a girl when you had the opportunity.

That was this crew. That was this seventh grade crew. We would just sit there for hours and talk about how we're going to make out with these girls and fucking have a corvette. We were a fucking dollar away from having a quarter. You know what I'm saying? Like everybody was broke and we're talking all this nonsense and shit. So I became friends with Dave.

Dave was a great basketball player. There was courts over there by Center Ford. That's not Center Ford anymore. That's where they used to do punt passing kick. But there were these tremendous courts on 26th Street. Tremendous little hidden behind Center Ford. Center Ford where they used to do the punt passing kick. It was fucking tremendous.

And if you walked across the bridge on Route 3, we made it over to the other side to McKinley. So we had all that. You had this whole area to fucking play with. I still remember walking over that bridge with a Walkman on and stepping on caterpillars. There was millions of caterpillars on this bridge. And you know caterpillars go into a cocoon. They turn into a butterfly or some shit. And I'm fucking walking on this bridge and I'm stomping.

Early in the morning by myself, I'm just stomping these fucking caterpillars by. And you can hear them crunching. My sneakers were all green and shit. And I kept walking. All of a sudden some kid came running up behind me just like that to my ears. Dog, I must have jumped eight feet in the air. I thought it was one of the caterpillars that had jumped on my back and shit. I mean, we were doing something every day.

Now, in the seventh grade, something really weird happened. That kid Juan moved over from the Bronx, Puerto Rican kid. He was a tremendous basketball player. While he was moving, getting his furniture in and out of the Bronx. I wanted his house and we stole his shit. Me and my buddies on giving that terrace. I got the stereo and the speakers in my room. Long story.

So now we're looking like holy shit. We got Chucky as the point guard. We got David Ruiz and the other Puerto Rican kid as the forwards. Or maybe move fucking him up to a shooting guard. And you got me and the Puerto Rican kid who could jump to play forwards. Now we got to get a center. So that was our fucking plan. So, you know, we played like maybe one game and all of a sudden we're sitting in fucking the seventh grade.

The kid walks in with an Afro and he says his name is Louis Hernandez. And the first thing out of my thing was the dog. You got a Julius or Irving Afro. Can you play like him? And he's like, yeah, I can play. I'm like, oh, thank God we need this shit. And Louis came on the team and that season we went fucking all in seven. We were God awful.

We couldn't win a fucking game. I was fucking heartbroken. I got left back. I didn't have a girlfriend no more. I was retarded. You know, my life seemed like it was in the fucking dumps. I was still going to karate. I go, you know what, man?

I don't ever want to be an undefeated team ever fucking again. So me, Dave, Louis, we started a fucking campaign of just constant basketball. We were always playing basketball. The winter, the summer, and somewhere along that we recruited a guy named Whitey. Whitey went to Kennedy School, nice Irish kid, great fucking family. His mother always made chicken cutlets. His grandfather was our fucking chauffeur. We could be in fucking moon on the moon.

And he would call his grandpa, pop, pop. I'm stuck over here. We just won. We don't know how to get home. I'll be right over and I'll bring chicken for you, motherfuckers. And he come bring his chicken, bring his Gatorades. Guys, it was a fucking dream come true. And Whitey played for another school and there was no animosity.

We got along like fucking brothers. I was at Whitey's house three nights a week. We had a bounce back. I don't know if you guys know what a bounce back is. It's like a fucking net. It looks like a camouflage net on a thing. And you throw the ball against it and it pushes it back to you. And we just sit there for hours being Whitey and take foul shots, free throws.

We work on our jump shots. And then he could climb on the concrete wall and slam dunk. He was like Spider-Man. I could not do that. I was petrified to climb on the wall and slam dunk. And then we played there for a few hours. And the coach from Rempo College, when he was a kid, he wasn't a coach yet, Chuckie McBreen would call us and say, what are you guys doing?

Come over to my house and sleep over. And we would walk from downtown to 30th and Paterson Plank Road. Chuckie had a dirt basketball court, a dirt basketball court. Every time you fucking had dribbled the ball, there was dust all around you and shit like that. You look like if you played three games, you were fucking filthy, but he had a pool. And then we were jumping the pool and you could see the dirt just come off around you. Six of us dirty water. We didn't give a fuck.

It was all about basketball. There was nobody getting high. There was nobody stealing shit. Yeah, we did a couple fucking creepy things, but nothing. We are very innocent kids at that time, guys. Very innocent. We lived for basketball. I lived for basketball and for karate.

That was my whole, I went to McKinley. I got out. I went home. I played with some North Bergen guys about 430. I got him. I got on my fucking feet. I walked up the hill, took a bus to fucking, I don't know, 16th and Palisade Avenue. I go to karate and then from karate, go to my mother's bar, eat dinner and go home.

That was my fucking life. That was it. And when we weren't in karate, me and these other lunatics were fucking at movie theaters, going to Harlem. No drugs guys. Strip clubs, shit like that. No drugs. Just straight up kids. That's all we were.

We were fucking just straight up kids. And in the 8th grade, our bond got so fucking strong we were going into the 8th grade. We were like, fuck. We were 0 and 7 last year. We got Louis. Raul, the Puerto Rican dude, he had left already. He moved after like four months. His father couldn't pay rent in Jersey.

It was too high rent across the street. They were used to the apartment living over in the Bronx. So he left. So we were left with me, David, Chucky, and we had a tremendous, and we had Dominic Speciale and Anthony Balzano. Fucking God bless both of their souls. We had a tremendous 8th grade fucking team. I still remember the last day of school, you go into the grade you're going to go into and you meet your teacher. And the 8th grade teachers were Ms. Berger and Ms. Walsh.

Both of them were older than old lady time. Both of these women were fucking way past that prime. They could not teach anymore. But they were good teachers. They were older. And I'll never forget it was a teacher named Ms. Berger and Ms. Walsh. We got Ms. Walsh. Me, Louis Hernandez, Orlando, Salcedo, Dominic Speciale, we fucking had Ms. Walsh.

And the first day we went in there and she goes, listen guys, this class in particular has a reputation. And she goes, I don't give a fuck. I really don't. I'm not going to play with you guys. I'm too fucking old and I will throw you out of here one by one. She drew the fucking line the first day. It wasn't the first day of school. It was the last day of school.

She drew the fucking line with us. I hit, you know, I'll fucking suspend you. I'll throw you the fuck out. And it was like, I was in the first row. I had this cat, the Sicilian imported. He had been in this country maybe two years from Italy. And his name was Michael. We used to play street hockey.

And I would hit him in the shins with the street hockey stick because he couldn't speak English. And he go, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay And that's about ways to torture this f***ing lady. And when we get back into the 8th grade, at the end of the summer, we're all basketball machines. I had been to f***ing superstar basketball camp down there in Jersey City, with the f***ing Hurleys. I mean we were basketball machines. That's all I gave a fuck about, a girl broke my heart, I was never going for a pussy again.

That sh** hurts too much, when you were in the 8th grade and the 7th grade with some break yard it just hurts a little too much I was like fuck this shit it's not about pussy no more it's just gonna be about fucking sports we get into the fucking eighth grade it's great the first day of school Ms. Virga the other teacher announced to her class that she was taking medical leave that she had over the summer they had find they had found the tumor and they were gonna operate on her and it was gonna take eight to 12 weeks to recuperate and that substitute was gonna be named so that fucked this all up we already had a

plan to torture Welsh and Virga now we got to think of a whole new fucking strategy it's like the fucking she didn't make weight you ever have a fight that doesn't make weight or he catches COVID now you gotta fight a whole new opponent and we're like what the fuck are we how we gonna torture her in those days we went to homeroom Ms. Walsh and you probably stayed with Ms. Walsh for maybe 45 minutes and then the bell went off and you went to Ms. Virga for a period and then you went to the seventh grade because they probably taught like history over there and then you went to Mr. Kingwell cuz he taught like math or

some shit and that was our fucking day then the whole afternoon you spend it with the eighth grade teacher or your regular homeroom teacher so this was our goal every fucking day we'd stay in school till 12 once that bell went off we'd run out of there me or land those Dominic and we run up the shop right on right off route three there we'd go in there and we'd fucking shoplift every piece of gum we could juicy fruit hubba bubba double mint you fucking name it we fucking stole it after a few after a few weeks we decided to the fucking the wintergreen and all that gum wouldn't hit you hard enough like you had to put

like six pieces of fucking juicy fruit to get like a good piece of gum to whip at you but with hubba bubba all I gotta do is put two or three pieces in my fucking mouth and I got a little snowball I got a little fucking weapon so we would go up to the fucking shop right and steal the 10 packs of hubba bubba down our pants security knew we were stealing they chase us out of every fucking day and we'd have to run down the hill every once a month once a month somebody got caught and we get back to class they're like don't say nothing somebody would get caught in shit so by this time we're fucking rolling hubba bubba all

of us girls included and we're getting a piece and we're just whipping it at one another in the classroom so we got miss Walsh down or science we would behave in the mornings we would go to lunch get rushed up and then come back at 1245 and proceed to torch that lady till three o'clock first it was an array of noises you know Orlando go wow wow they would read in the afternoon and he would sit in the back going wow wow she would just look up and look around the class to see who is doing it Michael I look rather the immigrant could make some noises like he used to go mmm he did it like a haunted house so now we had we had these

two noises in the mix so you had mmm but he would do it loud and then I'll land on the back going wow wow and then I would start with my while over here right wow wow and she'd be looking up and she'd be looking around and a piece of gum would fly in the fucking room and she would look at the wall go what the fuck was that and then some afternoon we just said fuck it we were put pieces of paper in our mouth a whole piece of paper and fucking get spitballs that were so big and whip them at the wall they would hit the spit would come out of this shit they were so disgusting I mean this is what we did every day and she

would have to take a breather she go okay now we're just gonna sit until you guys get over it and then we go heavy for like ten minutes man move we'd make animal noises and shit and then she go are you guys ready to proceed and we go yeah and then we fucking be quiet for like 30 minutes and then bring it on home for the last 45 minutes of class dog we would make her cry she was leaving there fucked up remember half of the kids that half of us had trained under a guy named John Barone that it might we were talking about last night in my world was a phenomenal teacher and one of the funniest fucking human beings

around so we had all been in the seventh grade Barone our sense of humor had been taken a fucking notch by Barone Barone opened it up our sense of humor so fucking much and that class was very free in Barone's for example there was a kid in the class named Richie Colombo Richie Colombo didn't give a fuck do you understand me people do you understand you have like little friends or like these girls that go to yoga and they're like I don't care you know okay yeah good good you ever see these guys like I don't care okay good listen Richie Colombo didn't give a fuck and he ain't great to the point where he wouldn't

even comb his head he had like this fucking nest and he would come in and mr. bro will look at him just shake his head and one day Barone couldn't take it no more and Barone goes hey Colombo what you comb your hair with a stick of dynamite and Colombo goes nah would you comb that mop on your fucking head with I mean this was our seventh grade class okay we had Charlie Gizzie who sat by the window and every time a plane went by he jumped on his desk and he machine gun it down okay okay do you understand me guys this is not a jokey joke fucking eighth grade class then the other half of these motherfuckers was 16 17 there were

Cubans that came from this country and would not speak English so they kept leaving them back they would drive to school they had beads that kids and other school I mean it was fucking you know these Cuban guys like 18 with two kids hair on their legs you know you're like what the fuck I'm in the eighth grade I got three hairs on my dick and you're in gym changing with a guy that's got a fucking an Arab for a cock he's got fucking you know we see those Arab beads that's what he's got around his dick it looks like a neck brace for his fucking dick I mean it was fucking it was just we had another kid we had

Gizzie we had Douglas Jimenez another guy didn't give a fuck with long hair he was just looking to get out of school and start a fucking band and dog they listen I saw the principal Leo Gatoni get punched in the face by Louis Aldewar one day and it fucking in the eighth grade Louis Aldewar punched him in the face that mr. Gatoni's leg buckled in the hallway as he was taken to the principal's office these guys are not your regular fucking nicey nice classroom okay we got we got a teacher fight we got a gym teacher fight then a fucking gym teacher hit me in the fucking seventh grade you guys are eighth

grade you guys forgot about that Anthony Balzano's father fucking came in and clean this fucking clock and they transferred him out look this eighth grade was no joke guys we didn't have a gym you know they judge this on gym we had a shovel snow in the winter next time you drive on route 3 and you head into the city look at that fucking school on the left that you can't see through the windows that it's like the sun they have like a sunblock on there look at those stairs it's like five levels of fucking stairs we had a shovel when we were fucking kids and that that that's a tough fucking school

jack that school you know after I got thrown out of fucking sacred our school for boys I was like alright I guess I'll go to school in North Bergen dog my first day in McKinley one of the teachers had to go on because you put his lunch canteen on the desk and somebody put a hit of acid in his fucking coffee in the sixth grade he was a sixth grade fucking teacher a fifth grade teacher at aggressive so that means something the fifth grade in that school put a hit of windowpane acid in this fucking canteen and this fucking cooler the coffee thing he never came back from lunch and then last night we're talking about this

we almost died at the table because why do you went to Kennedy but it was me David and and Louis at McKinley and now by this time Mrs. Walsh's class it was like October and we were just driving her fucking nuts Ms. Virgo was gone we had a substitute teacher until they found the right teacher and while they were looking for the teacher they gave us this guy named Mr. Miss Mr. Miss was a good-looking blonde dude that looked like fucking Robert Redford and in the sting whenever he would teach the girls to go fucking nuts me and my buddies like we got to kill mr. fucking miss because all the chicks like him it was

fucking crazy blonde head dude yoke a nice guy really nice guy but I'll never forget he came into the school one day the substitute when Mr. Virgo he had like a week at the school and he was like guys they talk about this class in all the ground in schools how people do not want to come to school what do you people do the substitutes what the fuck you know like what are you doing to them there was guys it was not pretty if you sat with us in the afternoon we would torment you the noises the fucking the riffraff it was just it didn't stop so I never forget that we got to class one day it was like a Wednesday and fucking

mr. miss comes in with miss walsh they're talking in the hallway we get into class and also miss mills miss Welsh and mr. miss walk in they go guys we miss walsh has to say something and she goes today we're getting a visitor I hope you guys can behave because if you don't we're not gonna get any more visitors they want to come and talk to you about cookies or something like that we're like okay so they said about 9 15 we're gonna put two classes together that was no bueno they're gonna put both our 8k class together and this dude was gonna do a pet presentation me Louie was sitting in the classroom and the guy

comes out he's got big eyes like one of those people that has like those type eyes like hi good morning students he goes I'm here to talk to you about some disease we're like okay you know he wants to talk to us about some childhood disease and he's like you know he's giving us the pitch that these kids they're born this way and the surgery takes like a week and then they have to spend a year in a hospital and this costs money and if you guys sell these whatever I would like to say cookies I don't want to I don't know what he was trying to make us sell but he was just closing on us right he's like you don't

understand this is gonna you know help your school to help you guys and we're like what the fuck and I mean I remember turning around and everybody was looking I'm like you can't be fucking serious and he's closing you know he's telling us all the benefits by selling this stuff and he goes you don't understand you guys will be helping kids he goes something he goes you guys you know how lucky you are you guys could walk around and play basketball and go to gym he goes these kids it takes them 30 minutes to take three steps and fucking Richie Colombo that dude that mr. Brone with the hairdo he put his hand up the guys

like I'm not done yet hold on with your question Richie's like you guys like what and he goes if these kids it takes them 30 seconds 30 minutes to take three steps why don't you just give him roller skates right that's all he said to this dude and this dude looked at him and he goes that's it presentation over I'll never forget this and he went back to his suit a briefcase you know how they open up their briefcase go and also the briefcase opens up he was slamming his stuff in there and he's like I never knew I came to the school they warned me against shoes this is the worst school in the program and all of a sudden we

just started throwing spitballs bubblegum paper it was fucking surreal he was putting his fucking hands up he ran out and that was it they're like that's it for you motherfuckers then we got a substitute teacher a full-time one his name is Wally Lindsey he was the mayor we all can he was come to teach our 8th grade cool motherfucker long hair you know he took us all out individually and he was like listen I know all about you motherfuckers I'll break your fucking neck he goes I know this guy I know that guy they've already told me about you motherfuckers so if I have any problems with Coco and Anthony

Balzano I'm supposed to call Carmine Balzano we're like that's cool fucking you know that's cool so now we got a connection whatever Barone and me hated each other the 7th grade now me and Barone were best friends Miss Walsh finally one day we fucking went into we did our usual fucking thing we went to the shop right we came back and one afternoon we just went off so hard Mike we went off so hard let people you guys you just never believe how hard we went off on it things were flying people making noises machine gun noises it was just farts it was fucking awful and the middle of it she slammed her book it was

like two in the afternoon she slammed her book and she goes noises heavy breathing you know she's like yells screams gum she goes what is this and one of the kids goes meet the noise bitch and she fucking ran out of class crying and the principal came in like 20 minutes later he's like guys I'm thinking of breaking this class up like breaking the whole eighth grade up and sending us all to different fucking schools because this is not fucking working what happened yeah it was it was it was fussy went outside she cried the principal came in he said you had 30 days to fucking turn around or we're

gonna get broken up into different classes this is dog this is all of us and when she came back we apologized to her and we made her promise we did none of those guys wanted to see Miss Walsh cry she was 60 something fucking years old you know we didn't want to see her cry so we just called the troops as she said this is what I'll do when you guys get back from lunch I'll let you go off for 20 minutes and then we'll teach and that worked that worked we came to a true some were great but then we got more bad news Dave Ruiz came in one day and he goes hey my parents want to move to Miami to get a house for us to college

and all this shit so I gotta live with my aunt downtown I'm transferring from fucking McKinley to Kennedy School we're like we just went and killed ourselves to put the perfect fucking team together we just went on our way to put the perfect fucking team together and now you're gonna leave so we start calling Benedict Arnold we would to tease them and shit and listen we were all happy for him now the team was gonna be me Louis Chucky Dominic special and Anthony Balzano that was it we were talking about this last night too about the ref was Anthony's cousin so Anthony's father called the ref and told him not to call

any more fouls on this because he had a glass eye you gotta go his name was Peter Capetaro mr. Capetaro he was a ref he was like a teacher at Lincoln School and he was fucking refereeing and he had a glass eyes left eye was glass so every time I'd be dribbling on the right side of the court and I'd see him on the left side I'd go close to him and go dog standing the right cuz you can't see from there I mean we would fucking torment them and shit we that this all happened in the eighth grade guys on Friday nights we'd all meet I'm giving that terrace we'd buy tons of sodas tons of potato chips I get Gino's pizza the

one that went like 50 pizzas on a tray and you put them in the oven their sausage pepperoni little circles and shit we were kids and we'd all eat at my house and then something happened to the way to the fucking dance we decided one day that maybe we're gonna give this marijuana try it was in the eighth grade when all of us were like man we want to smoke it but we're scared we're athletes and shit and there were some people didn't do it but me Louie and those were the nights I used to blow the smoke into Louie's afro we would smoke pot we smoked tons of pot and then you know in those days when you smoke when

you're fucking in the eighth grade and we were smoking like I don't know green weed from the city at that time there wasn't even green weed it was like brown weed the weeds in the eighth grade with Panama red you know gold all that shit but I still remember going up to the fucking soccer field shits and parks and getting like a nickel bag from Puerto Rican Nelson that's when Puerto Rican Nelson was in our lives the pedophile from giving that terrace he would sell us like seven joints for five bucks and I still remember going up to that soccer field and guys it would be 20 of us you know all different shapes

and sizes and in those days you smoke six joints between 20 people and you hallucinate it I'm not gonna lie to you guys then that's how tender we were as kids like I still remember being behind that drinking like a half a boons for and smoking like six joints and sitting and looking at the moon like wow I swear to God like it it's as plain as day for me of all of us I remember us getting high and fucking following like car lights like wow look at that light look at that one oh my god like you were like fucking enough it's a fucking car like you fucking idiots but that's how I still remember being that fucking

high that it was that fucking strong the weed and that intense and we'd have to go to a fucking bowling alley and they had chocolate milk and we would get fucking three chocolate milks a piece and fucking sandwiches and fucking who would though we get chocolate milk nor their fries that's how much money you had everything was 50 cents for the chocolate milk and 75 cents for the fries you know I'm saying and if you're like three bucks you got a fucking cheeseburger whoa but that's where our bond came from you know in the eighth grade and then I still remember the opening season opening game of the

season was a Friday but there was also a dance at Kennedy School we were talking about this last night we were all bringing up different points but they were going Coco how do you have this fucking memory this is crazy we were talking about Pat Capitura we were talking about there was this so the league was broken into Lincoln McKinley Franklin and Kennedy School Franklin was number one they had two forwards that were bigger than me and their center was six from five in the eighth grade the second team that was going to come in in the project that was going to be Lincoln's Kennedy School Kennedy School

at David and Whitey O'Donnell they had a good fucking team man they were going to be hard to beat we had me Louis Chucky Lincoln had Rago Furnie Basasudo you know we were all friends at that time we're all playing against each other and look we all came back to haunt each other later on in life and I'll never forget that we played we beat Lincoln but when we got to the dance they would tell us that the center from Franklin Lee Irwin Kennedy broke his ankle Kennedy School surrounded him and he went to jump and they put their foot under and when the guy landed it broke his ankle he can play for the season we

were like relieved like holy fuck you guys not Kennedy I love fucking Lincoln out of the fuck so we were fucking the static I remember I'm still going down there to Kennedy School and I still remember after the dance what do you think we did guys we think we snuck we went to a liquor store no we went right to the back to the basketball court and we would play at Kennedy School till 11 o'clock at night that was our life there was no nothing we knew nothing all we want to do is play basketball we were talking last night about how many times I would leave my house I'm giving that terrorist and walk to Whitey's house

like on 9th Street in two feet of snow and then his grandfather will give his shovels and we go to the basketball court in Kennedy and shovel not half court bitches the whole fucking court and we'd be out there playing basketball be 20 degrees the ball wouldn't even bounce because the air freezes and the ball the ball wouldn't even fucking bounce that's how fucking that's how much work we were putting into fucking that's how much work I had put into basketball with these guys whatever Whitey ate I ate whatever Whitey got I got whatever I got Whitey got David got Louie got when I would write letters to Duke and to get that

workout programs when Bill Foster or you know somebody would send me their workout from the schools I would make copies on the Xerox machine and I would give them to these guys we all worked out together you know many times we were talking about how many times we play basketball and then go sit on a wall to help our thighs so we could slam dunk and we just have like we just sit there like assholes for two fucking hours staring at each other to see who could sit there the longest this is this is a friendship that like I said it took us six or seven minutes to warm up last night we got there all of us were there

we were at our table seated at six o'clock and we basically got up at a quarter to ten and the only reason why that was on Saturday night was because I had the UFC that was the only reason we were the still been there talking and yelling while we were sitting there three people on different occasions two women and one man came over and said the same thing to us like guys you guys are having a lot of fun keep it down but they were there was just and the way they would come over he was like bro you guys are like fucking going off I told him the story about because they all used to live downtown so we always take

the number one bus they remember all those adventures Louis remembers when I farted and I bank shot it off the chair and it went into the junkies mouth and shit and they also said last night that they weren't surprised when they found out that I was a comedian they said that at the 20 year reunion 2002 that's when they were all talking about it I was I think I'd done mad TV by then and something else and they were like it doesn't fucking surprise us you know I asked them what they had heard over the years they had heard this okay so these guys were my rock before my mother died I mean and I mentioned all these names to

you guys I know it's fucking confusing but that's the child that I was having you know I always tell people I had a tremendous childhood I wouldn't have it any other way I don't give a fuck I would bury my mother all over again to have the childhood that I had it was it was it was it was fucking tremendous man you know we were all tight and then we became freshmen and we were all gonna play on the freshman basketball team we all had plans to start and you know I fuck in the coach didn't like me so I didn't start and they were there supporting me they fucking knew what time it was they saw me grab and rebound and running

Cincinnati and but the coaches didn't dig me and they were talking about last night that they could see the they could see it you know wearing on me that you know I had all these expectations to start and shit every other coach thought I was gonna start in here I'm I'm I'm getting into games it was it was really hard on me but they supported me they stayed my friends I still remember freshman year we all went to see a fucking Richard Pryor on the Sunset strip as a team you know as a group of guys you know like the team and the guys from McKinley and downtown and we were just fucking tight and then after

freshman year not even after for after this the season ended you know I lost my hope I kind of had lost my way a little bit it was rough on me so I started partying a little more still no drugs it was just weed you know a fucking booze for him shit like that and then I didn't see them that summer that much I was still playing basketball I was still getting ready for JV ball you know my confidence was down I didn't know how they were gonna fucking you know look at me my sophomore year and then I got a lung infection I got that paracord shit and that put me in the hospital for two weeks and I got out September 28th of my

of my sophomore year and it was too late like I was spitting blood they didn't really want me to run around they wanted me to take a few months off so I took my sophomore year off I could always try out for JV when I was a junior and maybe come back stronger and start but then November 8th of 79 that's two weeks later my mother died and I remember all those guys coming to my wake and it was very hard and they tried their best guys but I was somewhere else and that's a David said last night he goes I saw you you know I would see them at school and in the summers I wouldn't see them and then when I got kicked out of the benders and

I lived uptown I really lost contact with them and then that October I quit high school so I didn't really see them a lot and I would see them at high school functions and by that time I was just a walking disaster you know and I remember Dave said last night was the last time I remember visit vividly seeing you was the night of the senior awards and we had a party after it they had a party in the city at this fucking drug bar and we got into a fucking war down there but I'll never forget that I was really fucked up down there I had even a cup of kwayloos and I had drank and I drank some beers and we got an

eight ball and I'll never forget that I was outside and I was kicking some kid and that's when I realized my foot was bleeding like every time I walk there from the heel being soaked with blood and I'll never forget that I was the cops had pulled me off the kid and I go home go home and I said something to one of the cops he wanted to hit me with a stick or something and it was Dave it was Dave who came over and he goes Coco go home and when he looked at me I could see that he was looking at me because I was coked out or maybe I was bleeding from my head or something like that last night he told me he goes that night

when I saw you I could tell that you were gone you were a different person the basketball had affected you your mother's death had affected you and the drugs were starting to say that to you and only one of the person has ever said that to me that I had crazy eyes and that was my uncle he said when you came here in 84 your eyes were fucking crazy and that's what this guy said he goes I grabbed you for a minute and said Coco come with us are you okay and the way you walked away from I could tell that we had lost you that's that's why last night they were like you have no idea how special this is to us because

at the 20 year reunion we talked about it's 2002 with at that time I really I really wasn't touring I think I was doing a couple things with Joe Rogan but there was no Twitter and you know you can't get your tour dates out it's not like it was Joe Rogan with special guest I was a fucking feature act what did I care so last night before we left we just made a promise that we're gonna get to do this once a month and not lose contact and we're gonna try to add people you know like when I try to do the next one with Chucky and the next one with you know get like Pip get up you know just get it up to like 20 of us

that are still around you know I just found out last week also that one of the girls in that class has leukemia I called her up at the hospital since it's having a hard time reading text messages and shit so she goes just hit me up once a week and I'll text you back so that's what we've been doing and you know what man listen I'm doing great guys I've been really adjusting great I got a good future the fucking book is done I'm fucking excited I spoke to the agent on Saturday and he said that he loves the fucking book that only he's got a few notes at the end and for the afterward so was handing this in so my

point is you know I was doing great I was all along you know we all struggle if I tell you I don't struggle from time to time what type of man would I be I'm bullshitting you last week's struggle whatever whatever I needed in my life since I moved here the people that I told Joe Rogan when Joe's like come to Austin and I go now dog I got to be close to the family and he goes but Joe you don't have no family go that's not what you that's not what I'm talking about I got to be closer to my family these are the guys I was talking about these guys know me you know three four years before my mother died they knew what my

character was about they knew I was fucking all heart when I played basketball I would bite you I didn't give a fuck and and they knew my desire to be a fucking savage they knew that I wasn't lazy they knew that you know I used to walk here while I was always hustling and just listen the biggest gift that we have in our lives the biggest gift that anybody could give you is the gift of friendship just being your friend they don't have to give you a fucking car they don't have to suck your dick you know which once you come to the conclusion that somebody's your friend and makes your life a lot easier you know

I have been through the fucking I have been through the fucking mill the last 40 years you know and from time to time I thought about these guys once I got back here I really thought about Mike Whitey's sister would always come to my comedy shows but she lives here while he lives in Long Island so it was always like she would call Whitey too late to talk about my comedy shows but you know what man I made I made my friends really proud I'm proud of them Louisa fucking social worker Dave's an engineer Whitey owns his own construction company they're all successful they've had their trials and tribulations just

like me and it was a real pleasure to go out with them last night and while I was sitting there I was looking at them and I'm like these were the three guys I was talking about when I made that statement and I didn't talk about taking over the world is like showing up by Che Guevara and Fidel Castro and going into the hills of New Jersey and taking over New Jersey no I'm talking about if there's something that I wanted to do now that I had doubts about before now it's possible because I got my balls back attached to me these guys were exactly what I needed to come back into my life I was missing something because

I've always said all I need right now is like ten hours a week to get filled that's it with these guys and guess what all three of them were saying that dinner all four of them they were all going you know what man we have no friends I'm like how the fuck don't you have friends like we go to work we talk to people at work we have acquaintances so I said fuck it from now on we're gonna become family why these mothers still alive David's family still alive it's fucking a May they're in their 80s fucking why these grandfather still alive he's like 98 or something like that so it was a fucking great weekend listen

guys you know me you know I love better help I fucking love them in fact let's do a read for them when I got them cuz it's a Monday fucking afternoon and you need your little read for a Monday morning I love better help the joint is sponsored by better help online therapy listen relationship takes work a lot of us will drop anything to go help somebody we care about but how often do we give ourselves the same treatment I got like three friends that they're always fucking involved in other people's lives but I asked them what are you doing for you shut the fuck up better help online therapy wants to remind you to take care

of the most important relationship that you have the one you have with yourself listen guys I was struggling for a long time I didn't know what the fuck was bothering me I talked to a friend they said to contact better help to contact the lady Dana I did that I told her what I was going through and you know what here I am today eight months later fucking tip top magoo I'm feeling great so I don't we always say that therapy can't help us therapy can help you I learned my fucking lesson you know it takes it it takes a big man to fucking tell people they made a mistake I made a mistake all those years I wish now I

would have been talking to somebody but hey why cry over spilled milk whether it's in the gym or making time for a haircut or even trying therapy you're the greatest asset so invest time in yourself like you do with other people better help is online therapy at office video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist if you don't want to be on camera you don't have to be it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist under 48 hours give it a try and see why two million people have used better help online therapy including your uncle Joey the joint is sponsored by

better help and listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Diaz that's better help.com slash Diaz I love better help I've been talking to him for like seven eight months and when I first got on the phone with him I was a little apprehensive you know oh for years you see people doing therapy with like a fucking watching shit and you're sitting on a couch you know yes so I didn't even know what therapy was so when it became available to me I called her and we broke down my anxiety from A to Z you know so if you're struggling with anything and listen a lot of people are struggling the last two

years took its toll on this country a lot of people struggling so don't think you're the odd man fucking out there's a lot more people struggling than what you fucking think so try out betterhelp.com code fucking Diaz so I'm back now guys I'm very happy that I went out with them because you know me I missed a fucking cancel I thought about it and I was like it's gonna suck I'm gonna feel weird it was completely opposite I felt fucking alive so depend on your friends more guys I mean over the pandemic we've lost contact with a lot of people we're not used to doing what we were doing it's a whole new fucking world you know the

last two years fucked everybody up I was talking to Mike when he came here I even think I still have a little couple COVID issues I really don't in the back of my mind but at times when I get invited to something like that now it's like listen do I really want to fucking be there you know after the last two years can you imagine going to like a church thing and getting COVID and dying how pissed are you when you're on the table going fuck I should have mind my business instead of prayer from the house so you never want to be that guy it's like going to a concert it's like going to a country concert and getting

shot in the head when you're laying there going fuck you know what the fuck was I thinking and they shoot up like 80 people in Vegas three years ago what the fuck but it's the same thing so over the pandemic like a guy like me worried about like going down like how much is it how important is it for you to be down there is a word dying you like not a word dying so I think that that fucked with us a little bit and now it's time to move forward guys I mean you have no idea how happy I am to move forward now my head this is done over the pandemic is over Putin fucking got rid of everything who beats up on the

Ukrainians and fucking COVID disappears who knows what's gonna happen I'm not happy about the war but I'm not gonna be some Hollywood celebrity you know I'm not a fucking celebrity I'm a dirty fucking comic I'm worried about the war I pray for them move the fuck on what do you want me to do go over to put my army hat on I'm a fucking 60 year old fat dude what am I gonna do I support him my heart goes out to them I don't know what the fuck is going on I hope it ends fucking quickly I want to have a good summer you know I'm saying I don't have to go out to the beach and fucking think the Russians are coming or the Cubans

are coming or we're gonna have another cold war who the fuck knows I don't know you don't know anymore we go day-to-day now guys that's what the Monday morning podcast is about to remind us of our fucking boundaries our strength our weaknesses we're going day-to-day I'm still going fucking day-to-day I got a busy day today I gotta go to Jiu Jitsu I gotta do some ads for Draft Kings I gotta do a couple fucking things because March Madness is in the motherfucking air and I can't wait I think the team's getting announced this week this is the last thing at sports is fucking baseball is going on strike now they're talking who

gives a fuck anymore guys just worry about yourself I'm happy you tuned in today I wanted to get this night off my chest that I had a great time in more ways than one and guys after the last 22 years in LA surrounded by all those bullshit artists and insincere people it was really nice to just feel like you're fucking home and I've been waiting two years for me to say to you guys and I'm home guess what cocksuckers I'm home and that's it for a beautiful fucking Monday morning the 7th of motherfucking March it's gonna be a great week what else is going on I got nothing going on that's it what oh shit happy birthday happy

birthday Scotty but besides that we're done and done have a great fucking Monday stay black and I'll see you cocksuckers Wednesday morning tip top Magoo all right you bad motherfuckers I hope you enjoyed the little my little fucking Saturday night dinner at steakhouse 85 I loved it if you ever go no fucking new Brunswick to catch the stress factory make sure you get yourself a nice little steak but hey the joint is brought to you by Lucy gum listen you're responsible consumer and you want a responsible way to consume your nicotine right if you're looking for nicotine gum lozenges or pouches which

are tremendous by the way if you're looking at pouches to use a nicotine to relax focus is just unwind after a long day there's only one stop and that's Lucy listen I've been using the gum the mince the tremendous the lozenges are tremendous the pouches are tremendous you don't love them my favorite is permit granted but if you're looking for an alternative to smoking why not switch with nicotine product that can make you feel good about it if you enjoy using nicotine you should definitely check out Lucy's products at Lucy dot Co co again that's Lucy dot co and use promo code Joey and check out listen

these lozenges is nicotine gum and the pouches are fucking tremendous remember if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine visit Joey dot Lucy dot Co and be sure to use promo code Joey again that's Lucy dot Co the joint is also brought to you by one of my personal favorites because they've helped me and that's better help online therapy listen everything takes time it takes work a lot of us are dropping anything to go help some fucking stranger but when we need to help ourselves we fall short we don't invest in ourselves it's time to invest in yourself I know you're going to the gym I know you're doing your

writing I know you're working out you're eating good but listen it's time that you really look into yourself you're the greatest asset so invest time and effort into yourself like you do for all these other stupid things better help is online therapy that offers video phone and live chat sessions with your therapist you don't have to see anybody if you don't want to it's much more affordable and in person therapy and you could be matched with a therapist and on the 48 hours give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used better help online therapy the joint is sponsored by better help and listeners get 10% off

that first month at betterhelp.com slash Diaz that's better help dot com slash Diaz ask the Dana to give you help she's helped me on tremendously better help is the way to go I want to thank better help Lucy doc co and liquid IV the best for sponsoring the joint this weekend and I want to thank you guys for always listening to have my back I love you motherfuckers stay black have a great day and I'll see you guys Wednesday the night tip top motherfucking magoo you