Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #146 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: January 31, 2014

The queen of edibles, Auntie Dolores calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Recorded live on 01/31/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. Are you kidding me or what oh shit oh shit break out the heroin and the fucking gorilla biscuits it's over get the granola the yogurt shave your pussy wash your ass it's that type of fucking day it's Friday motherfuckers nobody wants a stinky motherfucker in the circle what are you fucking kidding me or what break out that fucking reefer if you got the syringe

take a chance i don't know what to tell you you know what i'm saying everybody wants to everybody wants to see the devil but nobody wants to fucking die it's Friday January 31st the last day of the fucking month where the hell you been bitch February 1st is tomorrow get that checkbook the renters do cocksucker looks like you ain't going out tonight turn off that fucking musically Friday January 31st and you're sitting there like happy new year fuck you it's February ready you dumb fuck wake up wake up out of your fucking coma you're still fucking smoking you're still doing drugs you're still a fat fuck you're still eating cookies who gives a fuck what resolution you cocksucker get up it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive when i got up this morning i kissed

the fucking floor when i got that fuck i'll bend it over and fucking hummus i fucking kissed the floor you know why because that's how i wrote i know i'm fucking happy to be fucking happy fuck y'all hosting and this bullshit i'm fucking happy to be here happiness is a warm gun cocksucker welcome to the church of what's happening now lisa yeah what's happening you bad mother fucking drew you i'm feeling great i missed it this week it's been a weird week with the podcast you know i'm sorry people sometimes it just gets busy but here's what happened i flew out last wednesday to minneapolis so i flew the fucking whole day then i was in minneapolis Thursday friday saturday then sunday i flew back then i came home and i came home right to my family

and then monday tuesday wednesday i worked 12 hour plus days on marron i want to thank him very much for putting me on the show it's uh he's a real fucking comic and a real comic isn't the guy kills on stage it isn't the guy you know has an mbc shirt on a real fucking comic is a guy who uh gives another guy a chance to shine and then some and that's what he did with this episode so i want to thank mark marron i worked on that show monday tuesday wednesday fucking yes dad was too tired to even get up i didn't want to give you guys a shit show so i wanted to get a day off just to be able to think and uh here i am today with the flying jew thank you for tuning in and uh being patient with us it's just been that type of week you know what i'm

saying and i love that your day off you get up in quarter to eight like that's early for a lot of people you're like this is my day off i'm gonna get up in quarter they felt so fucking shitty you know i hung out with the wife and kid yesterday i went to some indoor playground which i never really understood i never went to an indoor playground my indoor playground was my apartment but i was a fucking kid and banging my head off the wall these kids today we went to uh you know we just i just wanted to see them i wanted to see them for a little longer than an hour so it was really nice to spend some time with them yesterday we went for coffee you know we did a bunch of little things and then i went home and just relaxed man it's just nice to fucking turn the tv on sometimes

put on the shitty fucking news and uh and that's what i watched that i watched the countdown to the ufc and that was it man you know it was funny because i gotta sometimes you write a joke or something stupid on twitter and you get no response or people tell you to go fuck yourself i wrote this thing on twitter wednesday because it was really weird what was going on i wrote that it had been 17 years since i came to town i came in with 180 dollars that's a true story and an rv and i met doug stanhope at the fucking coach courses and i went to al capulco and i went to the comedy store that night and it was so weird because the point i was trying to make to myself was that it had been 17 years and finally somebody had written a script for me you know like in my mind like that's

how i posted yeah i point i posted this 17 years ago yeah i came to this town whatever blah blah blah but it was more of a post in the sense of in my mind that morning i was like wow i was going over the script and i'm thinking of myself finally and on monday i met a med was on the show okay and i asked i met a med we shot the comedy store and before the the comedy store but well not before in 98 97 there was a club we all went to was the union the union was next to what became the one where dane cook got baked okay yeah on sunset strip across from Miyagi and all that shit and the union was run by vince von's ex-girlfriend right after swingers she was like a jilted girl that was running it and i met i met was a friend of hers i met i met was in swingers i met i met

was vince von's roommate and john favreau's roommate at the time and we had done the room and uh you know we were excited there was industry people there you know we were young comics in town and there was industry people there and i remember after the show me and i met i went outside and just broke down the state of comedy we probably each had two dollars in our pockets if that i was maybe on coke you know and one night after the show like two thirty in the morning uh you know paulie shore had been there this is a free room but there were so many hot women that the word got out and all these comics wanted to do the room nick nick de palo and fucking joe rogan and uh and it was just uh really weird i said to him the other day i said hey man do you think that 17

years ago we were standing in front of the union we were ever gonna say that we'd work together on a tv show you know and we started giggling you know but it's really weird to tell people this that this is a fucking journey you know doing comedy or being an actor or being a poet or drawing pictures or being an artist in that realm it really is a journey man and the journey is not you know advancing the journey is uh bumping into obstacles and how you fucking adjusted them you know that this is all this is it's when you come out of it's one big obstacle and you got to figure out how to fucking go around and maintain you know thank god for the podcast i mean i always booked i always uh got comedy work but the podcast

litify a lot of things from because gave people the background the what the fuck this is all about what the what the underlying thing is when you when you watch a movie there's an actor on the screen or television or television there's an actor on the screen but he's got an underlying thing and going and if he's a really good actor you'll see that yeah he you'll see that that's what people pay for to see that mark you know and uh it's weird that i've been here 17 fucking years i never ever thought i was gonna stay past three years lead never in fact we were talking that day how i set my life up in that time that i was gonna go back because i had the daughter i had Jackie in Colorado so my plan was to go back but i had nothing to go back to i had nothing to go

back to except being a dad getting tormented so i was like well let me as long as i'm going somewhere here in my mind i'm okay in the back of my mind i'm gonna be okay as long as i move forward once i see myself moving backwards i'm out of here you know once i i don't i'm not advancing in moves i'm not making a living anymore i'm out of here but it just so happened and so we know i talk to young comics every fucking time i go on the road and it's the same questions so it's the same fear you know what's gonna happen you know what happens in LA why do i move from fucking Minneapolis and go somewhere else and then what happens after that you know in comics some comics accept it that they have to fucking get up and go when i worked in Buffalo i worked

at the feature act that he was like i have an apartment in Jersey City because i'm there once a fucking month i pay rent so finally you're making money but you need a place to crash and go to New York to do your sets there it's always evolving but no matter what happens you're always going to climb that hill you know and trust me man if you came to me 17 years ago and told me this i would tell you to go fuck yourself i would have told you some negative bullshit but something that was going on so that's why i posted that the other day just to let people know that it does get fucking better you know it's interesting because i'm at the beginning part of it now and it's uh it's it's hard for me right now just because i'm trying to do this full time so every

bill i'm like fuck maybe i should go get another job like every bill i get i'm like fuck i could make that money just take one job and then i'll come back to this and it's uh it's it's so scary right now gotta be patient yeah that's the hardest thing you gotta be patient and you know okay i could have fucking got up at five yesterday and come down here and done an half half ass job what was the point this is something i wish i would have known at 25 and somebody would have taught me that you have to be patient you know you live finally you live fine i know motherfuckers that are out six nights a week then look you in the face and go i'm fucking broke yeah and you try to explain to them as a human being as a friend that hey man maybe you should cut back and guess

what these people get insulted insulted i had a friend of mine tell me how he was broke and but but but he's got a fucking not even a range bro he's got the other one a land rover a land rover is that the urban assault vehicle i think so oh no no the hummer hummer and i go you should get a smaller car and it goes through i gotta keep an image up well it is so you want to keep an image up and eat fucking tuna like a cat at the fucking house yeah do you understand what i'm trying to say to you what the fuck is the image if you're eating like a fucking slave at your fucking house what good is every time you go to downtown is to let people know you're a big shot that you gotta pay that shit you can put it on your credit card but that shit gets has to

get fucking paid yeah you know yesterday i was starving yesterday for lunch i got up and i did some shit around the house and my wife went somewhere and oh she left the baby with me okay and we had the baby and the baby fell asleep when she came back well when we wake up when the baby wakes up let's go to lunch and we were talking about some wild places i was like ah it's my day off let's go to hollywood and go to that one place and i know it's going to be 60 fucking bucks for fucking lunch but my wife is like you know they got a tray of fucking uh peppers and onions spaghetti i made last night it was fucking delicious yeah and we ate that for lunch and we saved fucking 60 bucks you know it's the little things where i could tell you know they always tell you don't spend

money until your third year on the show oh yeah you never know what's gonna fucking happen you know you never fucking know what's gonna happen and that's the thing that we live okay we're not taking trips we're not fucking buying cars we're not taking limo rides i had a friend that blew a half a million in six months i did i'm taking limos to the airport and back you know that shit's two hundred fucking dollars apart it just seemed even for like me it's like there was christmas now there's it was her birthday now it's valentine's day and there always seems to be like one of those bills every morning always and it just it always gets you and it's not that it's the flat tire that somebody left a bottle on time the tire that comes out of your pocket and the

insurance don't cover that buck 80 no you know and then in the month after that you got to take a flight somewhere because god forbid a buddy of yours is sick of something you gotta get in the fucking flight yeah there's always a by the way and it's so fucking weird how you you have to adjust to those every month you just have to adjust and pray that the damage is minimal yeah i mean we were broke my cat swallowed a needle did i tell you about that no tell you we're flat broke i finally get a movie i'm working three days in the movie i'm gonna make 1800 fucking bucks and the cat swallowed was a fucking needle for eight hundred and fifty dollars so we're gonna take all our credit cards and put them together and pay the fucking bill we were talking about that the other day it

set us back for two months we ate tuna in a can for two fucking months with mayonnaise and ramen you know and little and it was like a month before the holidays yeah and it was poorly sure a stupid fucking movie which they cut me out of a fucking scene anyway i still got paid but the point being that there's always something you know and you have to prepare for that and it's how you flip out on that situation because there's always a it's just life testing you it feels like life is fucking testing you you're slinging dick you gotta pay for that one way another so get ready motherfucker but it was it was hard for you because i mean and granted i know you didn't stop fully until a few years ago but when you were doing that you were like well i could

go grab um a couple ounces of coke and make 10 000 and then i'll stop but it seems like you stopped when you came like you stopped like for the most part you stopped like when you came out here like was it hard not to go back to do that stuff or i always knew it was there yeah you know i would fucking i would listen i would get up on a monday morning and not know what to expect the only thing i knew was i had to get on stage monday morning i had three hours in my pocket i knew what money was coming in that week and sometimes somebody called you on the tuesday and said don't i need a fucking eight ball there you are yeah you know there you are and you got a chance to make 40 bucks and a little rock for yourself or something like that that's just today then wednesday somebody

calls you and says they need for you to be an extra on a movie for 40 bucks and you do that for 40 bucks every day i had something different knowing that i could do something knowing that i didn't have to do it every day instead of two days a week and then it became one day a week that made my life a lot fucking easier you know when i lived in bolder i would be great for three days and i had to go rob something yeah that's what i was saying like it it must have been hard not to go back i mean you almost went back to uh selling cars a few years ago and this is almost 20 fucking years i'm not fucking lying to nobody in 1995 i was still shoplifting to make a fucking living 1995 i was still fucking going into stores and picking up a fucking blanket and bringing it back as a store

return and getting 180 dollars cash you know i'm not gonna lie to somebody but i was pursuing my fucking art every day you know when i was selling cars in 90 fucking three in new york i was taking change on the fucking ash tray to get home at night yeah between child support and the fucking addiction and the fucking you know living in my rent i can't imagine having like there's so many people i grew up with now who are having kids i can't imagine having to pay for that and not seeing the kid and somebody else is living in your fucking house and somebody oh please i was walking i was a walking fucking painball i was a walking fucking painball bro but you gotta keep pushing you gotta keep fucking pushing and you guys are like jesus christ how do i go through life

another fucking day i don't know i don't even know how i did it i fucking can't tell you there's times i sit and i think about different situations in my life and i think about holy fuck you know getting up on a friday knowing you have to have the rent tomorrow and making it happen i swear to god you don't know how many fucking days in boulder i got up on friday january 31st and said well i gotta come up with 500 bucks by tomorrow i could call liya i know liya lend me two i know liya lend me two so i need to get three what i really need is seven i need five for rent one for dinner and a hundred to get a g-ball to make the weekend complete so i need to rob two loan mowers from kmart i need to fucking sell a half ounce i need to let's get this going you

know i got three dollars to start the day lee it's friday what's going on listen i just talked to the fucking columbian he's got a new batch of fucking blow that'll fucking kill you what no your mother's coming in so you can't do no cocaine there goes that that means i'm out to shop with today and that's how fast my day was decided i would call two people if they wouldn't bite on the fucking blow that means that day i either steal cds and bring them up to the u district and boulder and fucking sell them or the hill and bowl you know they have those stores by college yeah places that buy cds and shit oh yeah i would go shop their fucking cds or brand new games and bring them right up to fucking there or go to the student center and take a fucking thing of watches or

pens or whatever you know it's just fucking amazing but i think that's the difference i have this friend who and granted bad stuff has happened to him but he like he never seems to like get over he always he always talks about it how bad things are how bad things have been for him and and it's just like it gets it's it gets it old to listen to but i can't imagine just having that going through your head all day every day and not doing anything about it well it's gonna go through you had to be fucking there listen i got a situation now where i had a publicist and had to give a three thousand fucking dollars and the lady did nothing and when i contacted her she turned it around on me so i gotta figure out a fucking way to get my fucking dough back

or to explain to her that you know this was money out of my kid's fucking pocket yeah you know now you get angry at that and sit there and fucking waddle or you can go make some more money yeah you understand me that's what the p and that's a problem i had when i was young too but i always had to get up and steal because of the addiction money yeah i was mad at somebody one time i was mad at a friend of mine because he did a comedy show this is how crazy i used to get in a in a small town and it was my other buddy's hometown and my other buddy does a show there once a month he does a tv thing there once a month and here's the funny thing that my buddy called me and said hey i'm gonna go to that town and i said call that guy he'll book you and sure enough he canceled

somebody and he booked my buddy okay and he paid him eight nine hundred bucks and then my body went down there six months later when he found out it was good pickings and put his own room together and brought his own and i called him like a man i go dog you're doing that in my buddy's territory which it really was it isn't but it is yeah and what you need to do now is give him either a slot on the show or give him a fucking taste of the money give him a hundred give him a fucking something me i give i put him on the show and give him fifty that's me to show to him that you're cool and if not my buddy refused man the point of the fucking story is i didn't stop till i got that fucking money but the funny thing was i didn't give my friend in texas any money i kept

a hundred dollars for the fucking for the coke money okay you know and i didn't do it in a bad way i didn't do it in a malicious way i did it i don't even know where the fuck i did it i did it because i felt bad for my buddy i took care of my buddy years later slayed ham who is back in texas now because we laughed at the situation but to point the fucking story is when i put my mind to something like this guy really pissed me the fuck off like he fucking pissed me off because he didn't give a fuck he didn't even give a fuck that this is my friend and i took him aside and go look at you know that's lee's fucking lee runs a room down there bro you gotta talk to lee oh fuck lee what you know lee was a dear friend of mine you gotta give him his fucking money give him

50 bucks anything that's what you do with another comic that's why when you see a fucking comic that does a show with us a big comedy club and he's doing a theater he always says that he always throws the comedy club 500 and says they produce the show so you make everybody happy you understand me why fuck around with people 10 years from now you're not gonna have a theater show you're gonna need a weekend and they're gonna say fuck you that time you did the theater you didn't cut us into your dough don't cut you in i don't even know why we got to this who the fuck knows i don't even know why don't know i mean it's interesting i think because everyone goes through it and it's so hard because you think you're doing so well and especially when you start following your dream you're never

gonna make as much like the money you make is it's gonna be so much little and that always you're always gonna run into obstacles and it's hard to get over them sometimes sometimes it's it's easy to think okay i'll just go back and fuck my dream and no because the problem is when you dream you're slipping is that you're not committing enough that's all this is this is uh it's amazing what i've learned here in the 17 years and listen bro i was rocking and rolling here three years and you know i became sag two years and when i got in here the whole lingo was man how do you become sag i've been being an extra i got four vouchers guess what you know how many vouchers i got lee how many none i booked a talk about commercial that made me a fucking uh craft eligible

sag eligible and then when i booked the pilot that made me eligible boom and then when i got baseball i had to pay the fucking 1200 bucks and it was that fucking easy that's how easy it was i never sweated i looked at it and i go well this is what i gotta do then forget a fucking voucher and be an extra and walk around and hold water for people this is what the fuck i do so i went and fucking did it uh that's the problem with people they dick around when they get here when my friend sally said that if i become an extra shut the fuck up you go to a fucking agent you give him the head shine you tell him i'm the fucking captain kirk of this fucking enterprise i'm not going to be some fucking extra here and you go to fucking again i don't even know how we got on

this topic either but uh it's just what you set your eyes on for you know george george who gave his grandma said he went to a play a couple weeks ago and it was god awful he goes it was god awful and i go you know and something that's god awful it's what these people do you know it's a community playhouse it's people in southern new jersey that don't want to really commit to new york you follow me i did a play in town let me tell you about that i did a play yeah i did a play about my wife calls it every three or four years joey thinks he's fucking mainstream the mainstream thing 2009 so what is it now 2014 uh yeah maybe 2009 when did i meet yuli 11 yeah so maybe 2009 or 10 i joined up to do a play okay i can't imagine you doing a play

angelo's barbershop and it was going to be rare it was rehearsed on western and it was going to be performed on western boulevard you know what western boulevard is down in hollywood yeah does that look like a theater fucking district to you all it is believe it or not it is right that light down there santa monica that's a theater district so i went down and i joined up and i i auditioned and bam i booked it and i get there now anytime i book a movie or a tv show i know somebody a camera guy a wardrobe the girl the actress we did a commercial together something i didn't know nobody which made me a little fucking hesitant you know okay the scripts come out i'm looking at this shit it's terrible

but i want to commit to this play no money four auditions a week four rehearsals a week four hours a fucking shot your free time parking lunch that all comes out of your fucking doré me no no fucking 30 dollars a week once they start running the show they give you a percentage of the door okay the show is thursday friday saturday there was seven of us i think the walkout potential if we sold all every ticket we get 60 dollars because there was eight of us in the cast of something like that so the you know we rehearsed for the fucking four weeks to five weeks and on the sixth week three people quit the guy that wrote it was the director which he really didn't know what the fuck he was doing so some of the people sensed it and then one day he yelled at

one of the guys and i got involved like what are you yelling at him when he goes well if you don't like it you can leap too and i was like done you know and i left and uh i've never four years later have seen any of those people ever again like at any level i am db the guy that wrote the thing he's back in connecticut whatever the point being that uh in this town there's little different levels of commitment and there's different levels of fulfillment there's people that come to this time i have a friend that i saw him the other night when i was shooting man and he's an agent now i swear to god this guy was an acting class for eight years and you know what he would say to me every time i'd see him what the teacher told me i'm not ready yet to go on auditions listen

i was ready the first day i got here yeah you know what i'm saying you you're never ready to act but you are ready to act it's like being a mom or a fucking dad nobody's ready to be a dad nobody's ready to be a mom when you spit that fucking kid out of your fucking asshole bam you become a fucking dad you'll see how to change the diaper you'll see what it means to go to fucking work every day it's the same thing with acting yeah it's the same thing with acting they tell you in your mind ladies and gentlemen this is a great thing you got to get in touch with who's they got you there will be blood daniel doluis everybody wants to be daniel dayluis so get the fuck out of my face if you could breathe into a fucking glass you could fucking act if you could breathe

into a glass you could do stand up if you could breathe into a fucking glass you could be an engineer and if you could breathe into a fucking glass you could be a fucking plumber okay you're breathing that means you're alive you could do whatever the fuck you want to do don't ever let them tell you that you can't because you have to be this special like daniel dayluis there will be blood i'm a very special actor get the fuck out of my face all right get the fuck out of my face breathing there will be blood you fucking knucklehead and i like daniel dayluis i'm just making a point with him that they make you feel like anything you want to do is so distant whether it's an engineer oh well you know i don't know whether they always make you feel like you're

so fucking distant okay yeah you get on there you you act like what you act like you got a million dollars in your pocket i don't know what the jackie gleason's saying is you act as if yeah when i'm wrong with something we gotta call your call come on what's up you sexy savage good morning joey how are you anti motherfucking Dolores in the house i love you i didn't know what i was fucked up from this morning and what i was hung up for i had those gluten-free chocolate cocoa balls which lee they were 30 milligrams of peace oh how many did you eat the other night too i had at least two and you ate like four of them oh i was fucked up monday morning i didn't know why she tells me on the phone two days ago she goes yeah this is the strongest product we have they're even stronger

than cheese crackers oh Jesus what's happening anti Dolores tell me something good everything is good i'm so happy that you uh you found those to be effective oh my god then when you told me what 30 milligrams i emptied the bag yesterday i was eating them like one of those seals at the fucking sea world when they throw fish at them i was popping them in my own fucking mouth like that i love it too in the afternoon the kitchen's gonna be really happy to hear about that and they tasted good you got a nice little taste tool yeah you know i don't like stuff that tastes like weed and that stuff tasted great i mean i because joey for a second was like no it's just i brought you cookies and nothing no weed they're just cookies they're just cookies he's popping them over

you like the flavor that's good yeah the chocolate was nice and it's gluten-free right it's gluten-free yeah and they're gluten-free i'm gonna put you on speaker phone because i'm having a hard time um i got a new phone so one second you sound good how's that that sounds better okay whatever okay no what now that now they're gluten-free right the chocolate little the little death balls you got yes they're gluten-free and they are vegan as well we're using the coconut oil for those instead of the butter um they're they're pretty healthy actually we're using a really nice such cocoa so um they're good for you they're actually we're moving into healthier and healthier

products i mean that's kind of the direction that our whole line is going right now you also send me the cheese crackers and you pop those individually and they're 25 milligrams those are great too people um people that want to avoid sugar are loving those too um everything that we're making now is um in a bag like that all the pouch pouch bag items just like they do really well because you can regulate the dosage a lot better you know if you only want 30 milligrams you just eat one if you want to 300 you can eat 10 of those little cookies and you'll be just fine and the popcorn's delicious also i got the peanuts but i didn't try them my friend in jersey loves the fucking pretzels he says the pretzels because and you're right because you control the dosage

yeah yeah the popular the pretzels are our most popular product and now we didn't you know we didn't anticipate that at all we actually people didn't want to try them at first when we first started doing them people just avoided them so it's funny but um you know the industry is just blown up so much so there's so much room for you know creativity and and innovation and that's what i really love about it so yeah is it weird not selling a because when i think of edible you think of something sweet is it weird selling like a snack like a cracker that's that's an edible like it doesn't sound what you think of when you think of edible i know i know and as the thing is like the stereotypes around edible this is bad as all the other stereotypes um but actually what

people want isn't necessarily the typical sweet stuff like i said the pretzels are our best seller and they have no sugar in them um but uh yeah so and then everybody's tolerance levels has changed it's really changing a lot since more people are using edibles and dabbing and doing concentrates and all that so keeping up with the demand on that end is is uh you know challenging you also sent me some 500 milligram brownies which i have not touched yet and the peanuts i haven't touched but one thing i wanted to talk to you about was next weekend down here it's uh the cannabis cup or what is it next weekend yeah yeah high times cannabis cuts we're going to be there we have a booth um we'll be with mr knife uh seed bank and the cbd crew so

come check that out if anybody wants to uh come through we're going to be um hopefully you know providing products for patients so if you have your recommendation make sure you bring it or you can get one there at the cuff um because we will be in the 215 area and we are entering the 500 bite brownies in canada stuff so wish us luck and now how long how many days is this cannabis cup next weekend it's two days it's friday and saturday no saturday sunday okay because they a couple people hit me up and asked me to come down yeah i'm out of town i don't get back to i know but i don't get back till sunday you could that would have been so great no i would i would always try to go back then i tried to get arie down and he was out of town and uh i was talking

to lee about maybe doing a podcast down there but again i just had too much that weekend and i get off the plane at 12 30 by the time i get home wash my monkey and get back downtown it's three o'clock you know i'm fucking wiped out you know i'm i said i leave wednesday that week so i can't really commit to nothing on sunday if i get back sunday and i'm full of edgy and i'm doing you know sidekicks for jesus then i'll get in the car and come down and visit my girl auntie motherfucking Dolores the queen of the fucking animals where are you gonna be on april 20th april 20th i'll be flying back from uh from hitlers birthday party and shit down in lando florida no i'm coming back from the ufc okay because we're gonna probably be at the cup in colorado yeah no it's funny how

many people have hit me up for the 420 date already it's a sunday i don't work sundays well you kind of fuck that shit so it's a nice cast yeah no i wish i wish there was more i i wish there was celebrating uh saturday 4 20 but everybody's like now we want to show sunday at four o'clock i'm on a fucking plane from orlando so i doubt i'm on land anyway i want to get up and do jumping jacks when yes sundays are fucked up for me you know i think the lowest i'm fucking 50 you figure two kettlebell classes two jujitsu classes two podcasts a fucking one year old the flight five shows a week and what else you want me to do now and and sunday show and sunday show and being 50 i'm fucking tired man i'm fucking tired you know my mind burns out then i go home my wife

gotta give me an ear beating the other day i get off the plane i get off the phone i'm trying to fucking drink some green tea and she drills me with two days worth of fucking talking to a kid you have no idea what that's like so my fucking ears were swollen and i love my wife it's just that you know she gives you two days worth of action in 10 minutes while you're trying to eat the fucking chicken cutlets you cook and you're ready to fucking shoot yourself you know so please be patient you know i was telling people last week when i went to minneapolis people like six people like bro you gotta be on our podcast that's great but when do i have fucking time for myself i cannot do every fucking podcast especially when i go out one second on that plane my podcast

days are over with i'm dropping on your city to do one thing and one thing only and that's the do comedy and smoke reefer so does that mean you are uh it's gonna pass up the opportunity to do a podcast at rose bed wellness in Oregon no no no no when i come up i'm gonna do something well what i'm gonna do is maybe do the podcast at the weed store at the comedy club and then they could sponsor or something like that definitely yeah i don't think i could do with roses i know i could do it at the cow club portlands really they're really nice people they don't like no they don't like yeah well we have a kiss in there now so we can do that um fully legally so yeah let's talk about that yeah yeah yeah and as long as you're there smiling making those 500 milligram brownies i

fucking warn people about those things all the time man and if it's there i see these sensitive republican types buying them you know divine wellness one out of business i know it's so sad i think they're moving they moved they did move but they moved to canoga park i can't be driving up there with a pound of weed and me every fucking three days there's you know and there's another club in there now and i don't understand how how it is that a lake and kick somebody out and then let somebody else come in and well the other guys don't give a fuck they're there illegally they just said we don't give a fuck we don't give a fuck come throw us out with it with in fact we were 580 feet from a church we'll open up another one across the street

from a fucking church and donate 20 percent to the church and they said no so they opened up they got hubby bars and shit like that there i think i don't think they carry auntie the lorry shit well um yeah but the other day i went for a hike down there i went for a haircut in uh hollywood the other day and the guy that was cutting my hair is an extreme what is it what are you calling an extravagant gay guy and he's like oh my god very flamboyant and he ate he ate some of the 500 milligram anti-delores as you call it and he goes oh my god my my whole senses were he said his senses were fucked up when he said that oh my god you little fucking half a fag he said it fucked up his senses for five days or something it was just too much and we split between five people

yeah that's um hundred milligrams that's right yeah he had a fucking nervous break fucking guy he's got to go back to the fucking i'm telling you i have a friend that me and him did heroin as a kid we snorted below he was my best man the priest wouldn't let him walk down the aisle because the coke was in his nose falling out by the rock i made him eat a 500 milligram brownie in new york till this day i thought i'm gonna come visit one of those brownies he's like keep that shit away from me i was high for three fucking days i didn't know where i was he ate the whole thing no i split three ways when i was in new york and there was another guy that doesn't even get high he just ate it out of respect because he didn't know what to do i just opened

the brownie and said here he's a computer guy i thought he got high he ate the whole fucking thing you should have seen him when his wife was walking out with him his eyes were beat red and the next day he called me he goes joey they called me from work i got a pee in the bottle on wednesday i said you're doomed i go how long have you been working they goes 14 he goes 14 years they've never asked me to pee in a bottle i said well brother this ain't your lucky week because what you ate is potent as fuck tell him to get test pure it really works this is six months ago i think he wrote all that he jumped off a bridge by now who gives a fuck that was six months ago who gives a fuck you gotta call him up today oh you gotta test pure

hey joey i'm kind of on a hard time hearing you on this phone i'm gonna call you from my other phone jesus christ anti-dolores get it together i it's i'm not i'm not i'm not talking into the fucking mic i can't have you hang up and call back again get it together i'm calling you back in five you believe this shit i get no fucking respect but oh my god 500 milligrams oh i'm telling that's what i went crazy on a san jose that thing i know with you yeah i got pale you're like you look at the manager like what he got for food and he's like he just said shrimpy like oh let me tell the shrimp no the 500 milligram overtakes you too quickly yeah you go through fucking point a the point where it's here she is see this is what

kills me i went and got the five s on the iphone right and i couldn't even hear you on that phone now i'm on my my other iphone which is four it's not you know it has its issues too but i can hear you just find out how many fucking how many fucking phones you got you got like 19 fucking phones always well yeah we have about four phones all together but um i just happen to have two of them on me right now and i was gonna switch them out and take the new one so i was telling i was telling Lee that when you brought me the package in san jose and i ate that 500 milligram brownie i didn't eat the whole thing i probably ate 250 on bites right off the bat if you have an even tray like if your oven tilts to the left then i'm fucked but if your oven is straight then if i eat

250 i'll get that because in the old days when they make quailute same fucking thing the oven tilted so if you eat the left side you got really high if you ate the right side you're a little botch for 10 minutes no big deal but with you if you cook on a flat surface the tac gets on the whole fucking thing evenly so i bit into half of it and i'll never forget i was sitting there with and i had to hold on to the fucking railing and i'm a big guy i had to hold on to the railing because it felt like the floor was tilted and the little hindu manager came over what can i do for you and i'm like listen just get me some tea and he's trying to break me down the menu would you like must put that yeah i'm like bitch just get me something he ran back then got chicken i was

getting a stress attack i was fucking sweating and i tried to warn people with the the 500 milligram anti delores be careful yeah that was the night that i that i went outside at the club thinking it would be cooler outside it was really fucking hot and anti delores was going to the bathroom and she saved me because the the doors of the club locked so i went outside i couldn't get back in and i was stoned out of that mind and i just saw her i waved and she opened the door she's like oh thanks i was like thank you for saving me what's next oh yeah i always make me a little nervous when people just get too you know too high from it and i'm sorry if it messed you up but you did a great set that night so i'll figure it was doing doing good things for you no no no no it

lets me be free and i'm fucking you know i'm like uh i'm like fucking uh what's her name uh lizam nellie's mother in the wizard of ours you know i'm all fucking for it but i'm all judy garland i'm flying to the fucking air like a superhero that's not the point the point is that for some people i know that it's going to take them a wind trust me yeah it's almost taking me a win you know the other day i went to kettlebell class you sent me the box and i had a couple pieces of the cheese crackers and i went to kettlebell class monday night and i nearly had a heart attack you can't work out on that shit because it makes your breathing your heart is pumping from the adrenaline already the heart's pumping and that's a big mistake i would eat banana bread and eat

all this shit and go to the ymca then i'd walk out of them my face is pale sure because my fucking heart is pounding t h c like a fucking drum like a fucking bass drum you know now if you if you do less though here's the advantage especially for exercise because it's an analgesic so if you can kind of um dose yourself to where you're not really high but you feel the effects that analgesic so then you can push yourself harder so when you're exercising that's the truth when do you when do you stop when you start to feel some pain no that's the truth you're absolutely right i always worked out when i'm not medicated but i don't get you know i don't get really really high like if you eat 50 milligrams if you eat 52 cheese crackers and you

go to yoga you're gonna see the fucking hendu of life you'll see hindu's you'll just smell hendu's smells like lottery tickets the whole fucking deal you know what i'm saying yeah it smells quantum states man no no it's it's fucking amazing what you've done with your products i'm really uh i love what you're doing the prep thank you so much thank you the fucking pretzels are ahead coast to coast and shit and well we're trying to and you know we're going for this license in washington so if we get that we're gonna set up a kitchen out there and uh and then we'll be you know our stuff will be on the shelves of the clubs like the clubs that are in colorado right now that can't keep edibles on the shelves because they're just selling out left

and right you know and there's more people that wouldn't normally be using cannabis enter you know this whole world because now it's accepted and legal a lot of times those people are more interested in edibles than they are in smokables because it's healthier so um just the way things are moving in general look really good for edibles and we're happy that the laws in washington are really um you know they're pretty advantageous for edibles producers and it's it's not a lot of uh it's i mean there's hoots to jump through to get the license don't get me wrong but the processing license is actually a much easier license to get than um the retail license because they're only going to have i think 400 clubs out there but it's going to be the same thing as colorado you

know you've got touring companies you can get a limo ride and mostly all day long and visit all the dispensaries in colorado you know there's just this whole all these like ancillary industries opening up left and right around uh cannabis and it's just this is just the beginning you know it's it's uh it's going to be really interesting to see how it all unfolds you know uh it's amazing if you see how things have changed in your lifetime and you think you're 20 years ago you would have came to me and said we're gonna have fucking bodegas and they sell brownies and lollipops and fucking cheeseburgers and you know they i mean they got everything at some of these places i went to a place the other day they had these little fudge

brownies and sodas they got t-hc energy drinks now i mean they're really clogged in the market you know a lot of it could be bullshit you know i'm still stuck on anti-the-large and stuff but uh it's amazing where this is it's amazing where this is gone it really is amazing it's amazing that you're still here because from day one from when i was at the pharmacy in Santa Monica i saw 80 companies come and go 80 fucking companies that could have been asked a million times over by now this is an incredibly difficult industry to operate in so i mean knock on wood right here because i honestly i'm as surprised as you it's just you know i mean we're lucky that we got in when we did i really think that has a huge um bearing on all this because starting off now i

wouldn't attempt it now to be honest i would attempt other things see the thing about the cannabis industry is you have to be ahead of of everybody else like it's all about innovation so right now starting an edibles company is actually not that innovative because the market is totally saturated there's so many edibles companies but there's all these other things that are popping out that are new opportunities that weren't opportunities four years ago so i'm just you know we're always looking for new ways like for instance we're starting a doggy treat line and the doggy treats are going to have no tht in them but they're going to have cbd because cbd is really good for animals as well all animals um especially dogs that have pain or they've got arthritis or

anxiety i mean cbd is amazing for all of these different things so we're going to start a pet treat line um with cbd and they're going to be um you know well probably i have no idea this is very beginning of product development but it's something that um we couldn't have done four years ago but we're doing it now so well you sell those in pet stores or what do you sell those we're going to probably sell online and we're going to be doing um commercials and stuff and and possibly pet stores we'll have to see um we've already got we we already make doggy treats actually um but the ones that we make right now or we're using cannabis for them and they're given to just you know people that obviously want that for their dogs and it's cbd rich right

but but for the pet treat line we have to use um hemp cbd or cbd is derived from hemp um who in order to use it in that way like legally so um so that's like another it's just kind of a different industry it's related to cannabis but the hemp industry is a little different in um in this regard so we're exploring all that now you know because we have to learn all about it and um but we've got all the equipment and everything to make the doggy treat so it just seemed like a no-brainer we might as well you know do this too so that's fucking amazing you're gonna have a half a million dogs in colorado going fuck you go get your own go get your own fucking frisbee you know what i'm saying i ain't chasing this fucking frisbee you gave me a cookie i'm too fucking high i'm i'm

seeing purple trees now you want me to go chase a frisbee go fuck you mother well and what's great about the doggy treats is like dogs aren't as picky as humans they're like ooh it smells good i'll eat it so like and these doggy treats are all healthy but they contain things like pumpkin and peanut butter and like totally natural stuff that's good for dogs but it's like for them they just eat it right up you know it's amazing what's going on in the animal industry i went to target yesterday and when i was at target they have cat food and all these different brands then they have a freezer at the end of the cat food out yeah this is new gourmet cat food and dog food it comes like a fucking cold cut and you chop it up like pate i mean are you fucking crazy have you fucking lost

your mind these fucking people but i know what are you gonna do and the cat treats look like shit i wouldn't get anything from my cat but i know looking at that i go over my cat rather have a piece of this one this piece of albacore sushi from sushi dan with some fucking wasabi that'll put my cat over the fucking top right there every time my head keeps every time my cat eats wasabi it's a new world for him without the soy oh he's all wasabied out sweating can i give a piece of anything the law is brownie to put him over the top i'm gonna say keep him away from those crowns no my little my little cats love the fucking chocolate but they can't you know sometimes when you open up the 500 milligram brownie the little vanilla line pops off the top and it falls on

the floor tremendous and then gray will kind of lick it gray always licks the fucking chocolate brownie and she's out i'll come back for 12 hours she'll be sleeping in a fucking ball she'll be sleeping so long when i rub her stomach it's warm like she's been in that circle look at you fucking up dogs and the Dolores it's all over say what you're fucking up dogs i like it and fucking up cats well cat if you get them hot it doesn't get them hot the cbd is uh it does not get you high that's that's the beauty of it well let me ask you is what about catnip what about a catnip line you and i could create together that's the fucking that's what the money's at right there that's a great idea no that's what

related is that's my life a good catnip 25 billion dollar you know industry or whatever it's just you know people spend money on their pets like more than they spend on their kids you know see i looked into the catnip industry and the problem is that there's a lot of people who sell for gazy catnip but online at amazon.com there used to be a company i would sell you catnip buds they look like buds of weed and the cats lose their fucking mind as soon as it comes from ups they're at the door me out and it's in a seal proof fucking bag i would have to hide it over the fucking stove oh and they eat the stems they eat everything the sticks the fucking feeds so that's how you can tell if the the nip is real they go fucking bananas if not these people just

saw your fucking Puerto Rican grass and you chop it up and turn it green the cats don't know they'll eat it once or twice and then want it again so we got to get we got to get in touch with a real fucking catnip company yeah grows the catnip and then we'll put the cbd's in it we're a little bit of reef and some mushroom dust and call it crazy fucking cat right there and you give it to your quailute kitty and you give them a cat and it comes with a red light those purple lights that they chase make a video and win ten thousand fucking dollars that's how we do it here anti-dolores so this cannabis cup is this the first time they're having an LA um i don't think so it's actually in San Bernardino San Bernardino okay

that's even fucking falling that puts a cabash on it that's an owl from LA that's an owl from i know i know we got to get hotels out there because uh i don't want to truck back and forth to LA are you coming are you going down are you going down there single or you gotta you come now with one of your boyfriend and shit one of your victims i'm gonna i'm gonna be down there i don't have a boyfriend right now actually but um i'm gonna be down there you always got a fucking boyfriend you always got a victim i see these guys around you you give them some of that fucking the cheese cracker then you take them home and you're fucking care these guys i know you're like a black fucking widow all boring so she you get them with that fucking little cute

body yours and that smile it's all over you give me a little cheese crackers and you fucking mug them up and should i know you you're a sexy little savage and she got a lot of life left to you oh my god you're fine thank you you're very sweet it's true you were sad every time i see you got some little fucking guy with you don't lie to me i don't use my medicine as poison no i know i know you got a real poison now you don't have to tell me that you got the real deal holy feel that's just a warm up that's like the cherry on the fucking diet coke you're packing heat i could tell you one of those hippie chicks from the fucking you're packing that fucking gin gin juice with it what are the dead people put on themselves and they put up patugie juice you're the real deal

you drink that shit for breakfast oh man i think we should develop a brand new product and call it the jillie d is something something you know i ate it with anti the law is fucking personal patugie juice whatever you fucking got you whatever you're packing drives those little guys crazy and shit oh man you're savage anti the law is i could tell and shit you're funny what are you gonna do you know what i'm saying we're here if you're packing it's a fucking Friday january 31st 2014 and these people still walking around smoking cigarettes i went to a doctor give it up cocksucker yeah anti the law is here mother fuckers so you're gonna be you know start

smoking cbd and it won't get you high but it's good for you and it satisfies the craving of smoking you know it's actually healthy to smoke it so if you if you don't want to smoke cigarettes you don't want to get high smoke cbd and it's um it's a nice happy medium when you get cbd's that when you get cbd tobacco well you gotta find a club that sells the cbd rich strains and a lot of them do now because there's a lot of patients that want it and it's always good to have on the end too because like if you if you have too much thc cbd is the first thing you're going to want to start smoking because it's going to bring you down so i always tell people keep some cbd edibles around keep some flowers around so you can smoke it if you need it and um it's great for

anxiety um so yeah if you can find a club that has it and and you purchase it and then let's clubs know that you're going to be back for more if you enjoy it because they need to know that the patients want it and they'll pretty much they'll carry anything that the patients want so it's good to tell the dispensary that you go to what you want to see on the shelf um and they'll most likely turn right around and get it on the shelf because they want patients there's just so much competition with these dispensaries but they'll do anything to draw business you know um especially down there i mean there's a club on every other it's like every other door is a dispensary or something you know um but uh what are the other clubs that you go to joey besides snow

hoe well divine wellness closed i go to this other one on magnolia that the kid santana used to be in there i don't even know the name of it i've been there a couple times i got some good top show shit and i go to no organic which is by the house it's easy for me i just swing through and i'll tell you what no organic doesn't have the edible strength or the other stores but they they they just want to sell weed you know yeah that's their fucking thing but that i mean the satellite that whatever i'm smoking today that should you know i'm seeing the devil yeah everybody's got a good strain now it's 2014 everybody's got two or three two or three strains that'll fucking kill you if you buy a strong strain in hollywood you're gonna pay 25 30 a gram a strong

strain in the valley is 15 fucking dollars yeah i get two grams now for 20 fucking bucks some days and it's the shit i smoke that'll kill you you know that's what's helped us now that everybody has good weed but we have exceptional weed here in california you know there's good weed in colorado the east coast they're saying that they get cali weed they get a chip down from canada every time i look at i can tell that's canadian fucking weed cali cali we got some fucking kick to it so what they're growing is just amazing you know you're seeing it you're seeing it they're doing a great job now you know you don't have to go to amsterdam anymore you could go to amsterdam if you want to be one of those jerk offs and smoke a cigarette oh my god i just came back from

after you impressed somebody you impressed me bitch i go to burbank boulevard and i get the same weed without the plane ticket and the fucking tsa so who's crying now call me next weekend to the lowest when you're in town maybe you'll be here on monday correct maybe i'll see you monday for lunch i'm actually coming down on wednesday next week this wednesday coming yeah how about wednesday night i see you somewhere well wednesday i got something from seven to ten but i could see you thursday thursday's good too i'll see you thursday somewhere you'd let me know let's go get some coffee or something all right i'll call you when i'm driving down there and we'll uh figure out when we can meet out that sounds great sounds perfect and to the lowest i love you and do you

have a web page i love you guys too you have a web page these savages could go to and salivate for a little while say it again you have a web page that these savages could go to savages here's the web page uh w w w on t dolores dot com let me spell it um do l o r e s often misspelled um we're on twitter facebook instagram then come check us out at the cup next weekend stan bernadino thank you joey thank you lee thank you beautiful have a great weekend love you at the delores thank you for all the product and stuff of course doing what you're doing we love you mama bye what's up lee i just love you get such a pleasure from torturing somebody so as soon as you got her giggling with the with the your savage and the and the boyfriend it just i love

watching you do that i love her it makes her she is a great lady and it gives me fucking my dick guitar when i see a woman who goes after it with no fucking drama she don't give a fuck how many times she popped up on our shows two three times four times with a bag of goodies with a big smile on the face always happy to be there you know it's very seldom to meet somebody who's happy you always give the talk to something you go how you doing i'm like oh happiness living the dream there we hit you with some fake fucking motto shit you know living the dream whatever what fucking dream what are you talking about i'm talking about how are you today what's going on she always there's people tell you they love their job but they're miserable yeah she always

just does something like you could see that she brings happiness it is for some people it's with her smile there's a girl in my kettlebell class she's not the best-looking girl in the world but when i see her she makes me smile because her smile is so fucking great it's so fucking great i think about all the time she's so great she's from my though she's a swimming girl you could see in her face that there's no malice you could see in her face that she would never even heard a fly that's like ante the loris when ante the loris comes she's all smiles you know she loves to watch comedy she loves to giggle you know she's a great-looking woman you know that's why i love ante the loris i love her for what she stands for man you know what i'm saying well we're talking about

good things for you on it motherfuckers on it you know i've been saying this for years i like running with people who evolve on it are those people when i first started fucking on it was Joe giving me alpha brain and shroom tech now you know between the fucking hem force protein between the fucking they got this program now well they got to stay on it which gets delivered right through your fucking door all right they got the new power food and the digest tech they got these pills now to help you with the digestion they got these fucking this energy pool it's just green food that you mix with water or milk whatever the fuck you want to mix it with coconut milk or almond milk this shit is all good for you this is shit that's all good for you they got the kettle

bells they got so many fucking things about it just go over they got to turn around 180 who i've been taking the last two days and actually i feel a lot better today today i'm gonna go work out just to see what i feel like you know i worked out monday and today i'm gonna hit those kettlebells hard because it's fucking my man's coaching at 930 uh you know i i truly believe them and on it you know john salant uh what's his name the guy who called here last week sam general selgen oh yeah he fucking believes in fucking on it to the point where you know there's so many fucking people i deal with do me a favor just go to honok.com go to joeydears.net go to the honok box press the code name church and go to just get the shroom tech get the shroom tech and go work out never mind

the energy drink before you lift weights just take two shroom techs an hour before you go to gym and get back to me okay if you don't like a money back guarantee they're doing so many fucking good things on it and you're sitting there with a headache go fucking on it dot com press church in the box and get it over with i ain't gonna fucking tell you again i love you like a fucking family you want to feel good about yourself trust me on this one drink some water walk around the fucking block try the alpha brain try the shroom tech for starters you don't like it then go fucking drink somebody or go hang out with joeyde or go fucking the powerhouse five i don't know what the fuck you're drinking anymore number two hulu plus always fucking advancing the game whether it's

brooklyn 99 whatever the fuck they're talking about documentaries hulu plus got it for you if you went to the hulu plus page on your own right now to read up about hulu to give you seven days for free not uncle joey and uncle lee you know what we're doing bam 14 day fucking trial how much a month after that seven ninety seven ninety fucking nine of them that's uh 96 dollars a fucking year you can't go fucking wrong with this i'm gonna give you two weeks on the arm boom go to joeydeers.net go to the box press and joey joey into the fucking uh hulu plus box and there you have it you get two free fucking weeks that means if you want if you're lazy you can smoke a bag of dope and watch the whole season you can binge watch your fucking shows after you have hulu

plus for two weeks you will not be able to fucking quit i repeat you will not be able to quit i repeat you will not be able to quit go to joeydeers.net go to hulu plus get your two weeks for free gratis i'm the fucking arm and after that seven ninety nine a month nobody's fucking better than me on a fucking friday it's friday i wouldn't come to you with a fucking curveball all right so i'm telling you straight up about hulu plus and fucking on it and we're helping out some other great companies we got a fucking tub company we're working with in february uh uh gumis and monos are signed up with us for a little fucking press we're gonna drop it along in every podcast and make sure you get this shit so get it together cocksuckers these aren't sponsors these are a way

of life for us to help it passes on to us we pass the savings on to you whether it's hulu whether it's nature's box whether it's dollar shave club another tremendous fucking product we're here for you cocksuckers you understand me let me give some shout outs beautiful because now i'm really fucking pissed off all right bobby md brian md reymos nicholas tyler phil welsh david rhodes daniel hudson death squad ireland the way to the fuck you're at to all the death squad fucking affiliates out there whether it's death squad harlem death squad north death squad grand rapids i love you motherfuckers okay i'm here for you i see what you're doing spreading the word without a fucking t-shirt that's all that fucking mass anybody can spread the word with a fucking

t-shirt you're spreading the word without a fucking t-shirt all right what do we got for music here we got a spark some reefer it's friday motherfuckers if you ain't ready for this shit then you ain't fucking ready oh shit a little snow block are you are you fucking kidding me say i put black Sabbath time at this time of the morning i don't know what i'm thinking wash your feet brush your teeth flush your teeth get out there breathe on the motherfucker spread the love cocksucker what's the matter with the stone what are you stone what do you mean i'm a stone i'm stuck in a room but you've been smoking in here at least don't load the music there's no blind it's quite a hit what

are you fucking kidding me or what like i would never kid with you on friday this is tremendous crank that shit up this one he sings the fucking anthem here he just dropped on you i don't want you leaving the house unless you have this fucking anthem in your head today you understand me that's how we're doing it for a friday january 31st you didn't quit smoking you didn't do no jumping jacks you still eat the fucking potato chips you're still getting fucked in the ass what is it gonna end what is it gonna end huh yeah yeah sing that to me all right all right your eyes are blind but you can see ready yep my eyes are blind but i can't see the snowflakes on the fucking trees in the statement on the trees the sun no longer sets me free

are you fucking kidding me i feel the snowflakes treating me are you fucking kidding me this is ozzie 19 fucking 70 talking about fucking snorting coke with columbians a fucking english dude with a missing tooth bound bound are you fucking nuts or what don't make me fucking throw this computer out the window cut the music i would love to have a karaoke bar but instead of like the little screen with the words you just feeding instead of like you feeding them the words like five seconds before constantine there he is the fucking constantine rain whatever his fucking name is over there in

germany bitch slapping people i love it you know what i'm saying it's fucking friday who you kid who you kid you motherfucker with joey where were you you didn't do a podcast monday get it together you're supposed to get it together on your own you fucking sack of shit oh you inspire oh get up get up like what i can't take a fucking day off because i'm busy i got shit cracking lacking too who inspires me huh who calls me up and says wash your feet sting a fucking bitch with a toothpick in the eye nobody i got to do this in myself in the fucking shower so once every once in a while i'm fucking around i'm busy you gotta get up and you gotta fucking handle matters on your own you gotta sharpen your life and put on your fucking sleep snow boots what's going on new

york how's the weather over there cold but it looks like it's gonna be fine you couldn't pay me to go to a game in that weather but they can't sell the tickets yeah a bunch of tickets a bunch of hotels are dropping their prices who wants that abuse that's abuse that's abuse yeah those are nice little hotels but not for 900 dollars you go to superbowl you fucking jerk off yeah stay home i don't i don't think that's i don't think that should be legal i don't know i mean i mean i get it but like raising prices that close to thinking of how airlines do it you know i you could still get a cheap trick into new york a cheap flight to new york i looked the other day it was still pretty cheap a weekend it's not like you know they kill you yeah they want you in there they're gonna suck

you when they get you in there yeah but you know what sucks is the fucking internet thing because i'm like i was looking at internet companies like i i don't look i don't get how it's legal how one company can just be like yeah we own this entire area and no one else no one else can do internet who said that up up here where we are in san Fernando the only company that gets you is timewater AT&T but that's a different kind of internet and that's it you have two you have two choices it's uh i don't know i don't i don't get how that's legal it's supposed to be monopolies are illegal correct so they're supposed to be but apparently you can go in and and run the lines and then you can get uh you get like the exclusive in the market and then just they can raise them

like i was on the phone with them like well yeah you got this price for a year i'm like well what happens after that they're like oh well we raised a little bit we always give you the option to cancel i'm like how we can't cancel there's no one else to here to work with i fucking dig my own lines yeah it's a fucking nightmare how uh these corporations fuck us in so many different ways they give you benefits in so many ways but they fuck you they wouldn't put it out there unless they're in the market to fuck you yeah and especially the speed thing how fucking you should have internet it's it's one speed like they're like they're telling you okay you can only have it this fast but for 20 extra bucks you can have it that fast just give it to everyone at the same fucking

speed i don't know well it's even like flying i see it a lot with flying i see how flying is going to become unless you're flying first class or you're flying the bonuses you're not going to get through it's going to take you now on that line have you ever flown spirit yeah it's a flute once and i would never do it again spirit there's two of them spirit and the one on the Denver i don't know that frontier oh is that bad to avoid those motherfuckers like you avoid fucking the hooker up the ass but i'll tell you what that will fucking those two frontier you'll find your luggage and it's a statue on and spirit i don't know i haven't been on spirit in a while spirits in the southwest southeast yeah well they were going to florida and they have some really

good deals but the seats were so close together like people you can't stand up in between seats like you have to angle yourself they charge you to carry on a bag they charge you for pillows they charge you for everything so it's a cheap flight yeah but once you tap on the amenities you're fucking going what the fuck once you get on the plane like you want me to fucking breathe yeah two dollars to breathe four dollars to walk on you know and i feel bad for people who don't travel a lot yeah so please if you travel even if you hit me up with a fucking email tell me what your travel plans are i'll tell you you know because if you're gonna go travel what they do is they pray on that you don't travel you know southwest is the best if you don't get an a ticket

or a b ticket on southwest shoot yourself with a fucking eyeball because that means you got to sit in the middle they're not going to tell you that when you weigh 400 fucking pounds if you don't get an a or a b ticket on southwest if you get like c11 you're in hell even even even pass like the first five b's even if you're fucking x-ray even if you're skinny fuck you got to sit in the middle of two low rent motherfuckers to the fart and bring in their own food on they're probably scratching their toes they got hummus in the bag that's been in there for a month because they're trying to save fucking pennies that's what you get on southwest so you're gonna die on southwest if you have c11 fuck that shit you get your general fucking board and you sit in an aisle in case you

got to turn around and punch the shit out of this guy in the middle or the window seat i don't get an indoor seat you start punching me i know where to go i'm gonna break out the fucking airplane window i don't fucking think so but if i'm in the aisle seat i can punch the fuck out of you that's why i sit in the aisle seat that's why i sit in the other side of the window seat so if something goes down i'll fucking kick you into that fucking window and i could run into the bathroom real fucking quick that's why i sit in the aisle cuck suck i don't sit in the aisle because i like looking at people i sit in the aisle because i got you i got you number one and number two i got you that way i get run to the bathroom or run to the fucking door if i sit in the middle and the

plane goes down i gotta wait for you to get up and take your seatbelt off i ain't got that type of time i run right over you i don't give a fuck there's some people you sit there and they take the seat belt off and they get up and they look around like it's a beautiful day to be alive i ain't got that type of time get the fuck out of the way you don't want to move get the fuck out of the way what is this with these people who walk into the airport or into a restaurant or whatever and then they conglomerate in the door to look around oh look out friend get over to the fucking side you want to look around and see how beautiful there is and look at the floor oh my god it must be expensive who gives a fuck you know i was when i went to minneapolis last week i was at the bar with

anthony and uh he wrote me back we'd be emailing each other and i explained to him it's not the 80 000 people who go to the soup bowl game it's the hundred it's the 200 fucking dummy lucky lose that walk around like so he's like what's a looky loo a looky loo are usually republicans that want to be too nice and the hand look at that oh my god isn't that fancy get the fuck out of here you gotta go look so you're down at the gym hey i'm a 300 pound fat fuck on the the exercise thing elliptical elliptical and i'm at the 12 point mark i'm sweating i'm breathing in and this couple come in and they're lucky loose they're looking at the workout machine like let's see oh isn't this nice a bench like they were fucking and the husband if i was the husband i

would have taken the wife by the ear and go what the fuck is wrong with you i could be in my room get my dick sucked right now you're down here looking at like they give a fuck that's a lucky loo yeah they gotta look at everything they gotta touch it get the fuck out of here get your room you're fucked you gotta come down to the fucking i hate that shit league the worst is when people are crossing the street i'm a nice guy i don't get mad that often but when people are crossing the street and they're just like they're just moseying around i want them over like you ain't gonna hit me test me motherfucker i wish i was having a bad day right now i wish my cat got hit by a fucking truck today so i could knock you to truck over and that's what they don't think they

think they got rights yeah it's like these women that get the fucking restraining orders or he's not gonna get to me wrong fucking answer i know 20 dead bitches with restraining orders you know what i'm saying i know more bitches with restraining orders are dead than they're alive so you get that restraining order wipe your pussy with it i ain't gonna do nothing for you that motherfucker still gonna choke you to death when he sees you them eight black bitches at the ymca woman's shelter they ain't gonna do nothing for you they're just gonna die on 911 you're still gonna take a kick to the stomach so you dummies oh i got a restraining order yeah that's great that's a it takes 20 minutes for the cop to get there you know how many fucking punches to the head you'll

take in 20 minutes a lot don't take no gently contested to tell you i won't take a normal human can bit slap you three times an hour fuck no don't get a restraining order just get a gun and pray for the best look at this fucking mope look at this guy she just look at this fucking beauty here i wish you guys could see him with a red shirt on you cock sucker look at this look at that i love it it's fucking friday you you deadbeat cock suckers get up get up put the national anthem oh god i have to find this again i should have bookmarked it that's it so remember you know how many gigs i got this month none february 22nd i'm doing a 930 show at the fucking ice house i don't know if it's a podcast yet we haven't decided yet besides that i want to thank you for fucking

sticking around all week and hanging out with us and uh believing in yourself that's the most important thing because without the belief in yourself nobody's gonna suck your dick you're gonna walk around like a fucking dude with your your pockets out of your pants or bunny rabbities and you don't need that aggravation you got a lot of going on for yourself be an american grab your cock salute the flag and say fuck it it's gonna go down today and if it doesn't it's gonna go down tomorrow because that's all that matters it's gonna go down i got an itch on my ass right now fuck i got a scratch i think this is it let's see me you should have this bookmark i should have i should bookmarker because there's eight million of them and you don't like any of them

let's see if i can find it you're gonna start off with chimes this shit so start off in the beginning i was smoking some pot you just don't assemble huh you just don't assemble i was just working on the symbol sometimes it's gonna work the fucking symbol so people don't work the cowbell i want to work the symbol cock sucker get up cut it out stop lying to yourself you're a piece of shit then and you're a piece of shit now this could all change get up salute the flag send obama an email gonna prove we're a sucks cock sucker but i'm with you you know why because we're americans

we don't bail i'm nobody just because you have an afro and you fucked up i'm not gonna bail on you even i didn't vote for you i got felonies i can't make the move yet but i'm still getting jury notice is i'm getting close cock sucker but i'm not bailing on you we're americans we don't bail on nobody especially ourselves you get up you grab a black person you kiss him and you tell him obama fucked up but i love you you got nothing to do with me and you okay it's whether you're chinese indian whatever the fuck you are get out there this country this flag you represent you for a long time i didn't think i had it either but i'm cube and i got felonies so what get out there and stab him motherfucker be an american that's what it's all and don't get bullied

let's do one more time one more time i'm gonna move for the fucking next time until i some days i can listen to this all fucking i just imagine you in mercy just alluding the flag at home oh when she gets old enough she's gonna fucking lose this every day i respect because this strengthens you when you fucking pledge allegiance to the flag every day by yourself anybody could do with a bunch of homos in the fucking classroom i pledge allegiance to the flag when you grab your fucking heart and your cock right i pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america and to the republic for which it stands one nation under god indivisible whatever the fuck the liberty and justice for all liberty and justice that means you take your

cock and you do what the fuck you want as long as you don't fucking hit nobody you know what i'm saying you do what the fuck you gotta do that's what these forefathers did that's why they killed the indians that's why they fucking brought the black people over here for us to do what the fuck you want to do you understand me doesn't mean that somebody can tell you oh it's far away you'll never be able to do it listen to that symbol listen to that you see you hear that right there's people getting stabbed for your fucking freedom so you go buy a bagel and you could go to college that's people getting stabbed look I love you Lisa yeah, I love you too buddy. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive

Don't just sit there if you're confused go fuck yourself. Have a great weekend. I love you Now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for your free trial That's right of hulu plus hulu plus it lets you binge on thousands of hit shows Any time anywhere on your TV PC smart phone or tablet after you get done watching the national anthem go watch some hulu plus Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus comm slash joey Or go to joey Diaz net and click on the hulu plus banner That's right and have a great weekend and keep your eyes open the terrorists are out there you

Don't you think I know what I'm doing So don't tell me that it's not where you're wrong You're the one that's dreaming to lose us This is where the heat of it all lies You're the one that's dreaming to lose us This is where the heat of it all lies You're the one that's dreaming to lose us This is where the heat of it all lies You're the one that's dreaming to lose us This is where the heat of it all lies Thanks for watching!