Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #147 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 3, 2014

Bert Kreischer joins Joey and Lee. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 02/03/2014.

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right to your house. Are you kidding me or what? Oh shit. Oh shit is fucking right. Fuck the Broncos. Fuck the Seahawks. Fuck everybody. Fuck.

Who gives a fuck about wasting time in your mind? It's Monday, February, fucking third. Loops is birthday. Oh, happy birthday Loops. My main man in the fucking world. Are you kidding me? Listen to Eddie Van Hamlin fucking. I don't know what kind of tape you got here today,

but the sound as well. You got to equalize this shit that you're killing me with. You too. What? Out the crazies, out my block. The same old shit. Uh, I'm painting, painting, painting manning. What happened?

Who gives a fuck? Did you eat some pussy? That's the most important fucking thing. Did you get some pubic hair stuck in your teeth over the weekend? If you're there, then who gives a fuck about painting manning? Richard Chairman broke his butt. Who gives a fuck? Get it together.

I'm aggravated. People with their fucking Super Bowl gives a fuck. Did you watch it? What's fucking 10 minutes of it? Yeah, I missed the third quarter, and then when I got home by the fourth quarter, I just turned it off. I felt really bad for, you know, the Republicans jumping up and down, painting manning.

They were all, you know, 40-year-olds were at home throwing fucking balls through ties to shooting testosterone. I felt bad for the people trying to get home last night. Do you see that picture? I think Rogan retweeted it on the... Fuck them. On the station. Fuck them.

If you're that fucking stupid, you deserve to sit out there waiting for the fucking train. They're still waiting there. Oh, man. They got snowstorms. Oh, my God. New York is shut down, brother. Is it really?

Northburg, and I seen it this morning in tweets and shit. The schools are closed. Oh, thank you. Look, I hit with a fucking tremendous snowstorm last night. I don't know how many inches they got or whatever. But I saw it this morning on Facebook that they got hit out there. You know, guys, let me tell you something. Since the time I was 20, I would end up in functions like that.

Yeah. And ask myself, what the fuck am I doing here? I swear to God, like, me, like, it was like this big... It's like when I book an acting gig. My whole deal is to book the fucking gig. Once I get the call to shoot it, I'm like, really? It's lost, it's fine by then. I just wanted to book the fucking job, you know what I'm saying?

You know, in those days, I just wanted to prove I get tickets for $15. Yeah. That was it. People come to me, I pay $32, you're a fucking moron. Watch this, bam! Bam! And $15, and then you're sitting on the fucking front. But then you get there and you go, what the fuck?

That was twice. I went to Super Bowl. Oh, you went? Oh, wow. I went there two times. I went to maybe 91 in Florida. And it was fucking boring to me. Were the tickets that crazy or it wasn't?

I didn't pay for them, I didn't pay for them. They took us, we worked at an office. And then in 2005, with the longest yard, I went down an abandon ship on Friday. I just could not fucking deal with it. I couldn't deal with all those people walking around. You know, like I said, I fucking can't stand lucky, lose. Yeah. With me, you got to pull the fucking trigger.

If I see you walking around with a cup of coffee, that coffee is cold. I'll fucking stab you, drink the fucking coffee and get on with your goddamn life. But it's Monday, February 3rd. I hope you had a great fucking weekend. I hope it was safe. I hope everybody relaxed. You know, the UFC was great on Saturday night. Good fights on there.

Fucking vicious knockout of Jamie Varna. But the real news on the fucking table today, that it doesn't affect us, doesn't even affect me, but it just makes me think. Things happen sometimes and your mind opens up. And you open up and it's just Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yeah. Here's a guy that's 46 fucking years old and he dies when Neil is on. Now, you know what?

He's not the first and he won't be the fucking last. But for a guy like me, for a guy like Georgie, Georgie, he was a great. As soon as I read that, I think of Georgie. I thought of Georgie until I had to pick up the phone and call him. But Doug, I saw the Philip Seymour Hoffman thing. And he goes, what? And I go, they found him with her. And I go, you know, George, that could have been you.

Yeah. That could have been my friend, George. Fuck, Joe Diaz. I'm talking about my buddy who was on heroin full fucking time, you know, needles, blood on the wall, blood on his fucking walls. Yeah. He showed me in the room in the documentary, like the ceiling. I remember that.

I fucking remember that, like how, like, this is your best friend. What would you do if you got up on Sunday morning? I was washing dishes and my door was a little opened and you looked in the room for me. Just looked in the room and you saw piles of socks with blood on them and the walls with blood on them. What would you think? I mean, how can you keep shooting? You know, you drink a few beers, you smoke a joint.

Yeah. Now you're at a point that there's blood squirting on your fucking walls. Is it still worth? A normal human being will go, what the fuck is this? No, yeah. Because the first person I thought about was you, I mean, you haven't had a problem for a while, but it's just, and it's weird because it's because he's such a good actor that people are so upset and it seemed out of character because I didn't really know about it.

Apparently he had a pretty long issue with it. Right. His thing was the pills. Yeah. What happened was he was sober for a long time. He went back on the pills, which guys, I'll tell you what, man, Joe Diaz, Mad Flavor, I fuck Big Tony, Mikey, whatever the fuck you want to call them, had the worst cocaine problem ever, and I dabbled in pills, and there was something about those fucking pills.

I didn't like, you know, I OD'd when I was fucking 17 or 18, something I never, ever, ever talked about. Oh, wait, the... I had Joe Lucci's fucking party, this kid that had parties in my neighborhood. Oh, I thought it was the pills he stole from the janitor. No, no, that was the different thing, that's when I made people OD, but it's fucked up that I never talk about that, how I went to this party, and in those days, I used to be so fired up about getting high because I was 17, my mom was dead maybe a year and a half,

the pain was rampant throughout my body like a fucking cancer, you know, when you have that type of pain running through your body, it's like a cancer, your whole body's in pain. And I guess I was so excited to go to Joe Lucci's party, like I was so excited because Joe Lucci was an offspring of Donald Bergen, there was 64th Street Field, and they were deep into fucking drugs and booze at an early age, they were into music, they partied heavy. So for you to get invited to a Joe Lucci party, you were a real fucking deal. Okay, seriously, you were a real fucking deal. And I remember going there and I did a quailu or something, and I ate some pills and I fucking

started doing coke, and sometimes it's hard to describe unless you do coke. You know, if you're drinking, and if you're high, you do a couple lines of coke and you're straightened up. Okay. It brings you back to speed or whatever the fuck's in it brings you back. It was too late. The quailudes and the booze had overpowered me and I just passed out. And they didn't call the ambulance.

You know, they were pretty smart to know that I had just passed out. And at this point I had been doing this a lot, and then I would get sick in my puke and my sleep. This is why I don't drink people, it's not that I don't drink because I'm better than nobody. It was the alcohol? It was the alcohol mixed with the pills, which is always fucking horrible. And then towards the end, I remember that I didn't do pills for a few years after that.

I got into Valium's in 84. I would go into Washington Square Park and buy Valium's and in those days they would say eight, ten milligram Valium's for ten bucks. That's how cheap they would be. That's fucking ridiculous. It's like a dollar a piece or something, a dollar and a quarter. A little bit, yeah. Maybe a piece.

And so I never really got into the pills and stuff like that. The coke was my thing, but do you know how lucky I am to be here talking to you? You have an idea. Like I tell people, like when I was in Minneapolis last week, I was talking to the owner of the club and we were talking about addiction, which you gave me a really good idea. He says, you really have to write a book about this. And it's really true because I do get a lot of emails, 60% of the emails I get are about addiction, man, about people living like Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Get to the point now where they think nobody knows, like I did, nobody knows. Nobody, you're by yourself. You're at a different level of your addiction. You don't even enjoy yourself no more. You just have to do it because you have to do it. You don't even enjoy yourself. I'm telling you right now, it's not enjoyable. It takes over you.

It's in your spine. So it takes over your thoughts, you know, so you really can't focus on what you have going on. So, you know, people like Philip Seymour Hoffman, they figure out a way to do a little taste, just to do a little taste, just to be at a normal level all day, you know. And then when they get home is when they blast off the reels and they pass out and they drool and they, you know, which I never understood either with the heroin. It looks tremendous when you see somebody on heroin drooling and fucking sleeping on

themselves and cigarettes burning on their shirt and shit. You know. I mean, my heart goes out to them, but I'm very, we all know, you know, especially a lot of the church listeners, we have issues, man. Now the youth is taken over by pills. You know, there's a whole network of people that do heroin that are right in front of you, Lee, that you don't even know. Oh yeah, I'm sure.

And there's a whole mess of people that do meth and they're right in front of us. You know, they don't smoke it so their teeth aren't rotten yet. They know how to keep it together and the limit. They know how to do two lines and keep it together Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at work. It's very scary. It's a very scary thing when you have an addiction and I can't sit here and tell you to go to a fucking rehab.

I'm not going to do that because I didn't go to a fucking rehab. Who the fuck am I to tell you to go to rehab? You sit by yourself and you get a notebook and when you're high, you write and you look at that notebook the next morning to see what you wrote and wrote, right, what the fuck is bothering you? You know, like I didn't know for years what was really bothering me until I got off the blow. I thought it was one thing throughout the whole addiction.

I was blaming one thing, but it was a combination of things that fed into another one. You know, the last batch I went through and I explained on the Rogan podcast was how you can't grow with that luggage on your back. So you got to redeem that shit. How do you redeem it is to write it the fuck out. Write it out, write your fucking conclusion and let it go and move on with your life. You know, that's it. That's all you could do at times with different situations.

Just write it out. And especially when you're high. When you're on that level, when you're pilled up or juiced up or whatever the fuck it is that you do, write it out and you'll see what's bothering you and then get another fucking notebook and let's figure out how this is not going to bother you no more. And you'll see that your life improves. It really does improve on its own because you're losing luggage. You're losing weight without dieting.

You know, you're losing weight. You're losing, you know, for a while I weighed 900 pounds for seriously, I weighed 400. But for the most part, I weighed 900 fucking pounds because I had my sister's my sister, my daughter's luggage going around. I had my mother's luggage going around. I had luggage. I was angry at the kids. I grew up with it.

I was angry at my stepfather. I was angry at life at dealing me a shitty deck of fucking cards. You just get mad at all these things. Okay. You can't walk around mad. That's what that's why you're addicted. You can't walk around fucking mad. You got to self-medicate.

So now you got to figure out why the fuck you're self-medicating. And sometimes it's like, well, because of this, this girl dumped me in the fucking eighth grade. We think it's that, but it's really something completely different. So it's very interesting. Do you think, and I just don't know because I have a lot, all I ever think about when this happens is thank God that I never got addicted to that stuff. But do you think you're the exception to the rule by not going to rehab?

Or do you think more people could do it that way? Because it just seems scary to me just by doing everyone, all they ever say is you can't do it alone. And you have to do what? Here's the scary thing about life that we all know the answers to our own questions. We just don't want to face those answers. You follow what I'm saying, dear? Oh yeah, of course.

We all know what will make our life right. But we all beat around the bush. We all sit there. I'm one of those people that sit there at night and I watch low and on. I scroll through the channels. You and I both know if you're up after 11, they attack the weight loss industry. And they attack it with pills and milkshakes. And for a while you start thinking about it.

Like if you're a normal human being at the house, you're like, well, I work 60 hours a week. I don't really have time to work out. That pill sounds okay. And they get you for four payments of $44.98 and after three weeks you got diarrhea and you gained eight fucking pounds. And in the back of your mind you know that, you know what, I got to push myself away from the table and do fucking jumping jacks.

That's how you lose weight. With me with the addiction, I was fucking miserable the last five years, six years. I was just doing it because it was going through the motions. Would you get depressed when you were about eight? Oh fuck, I was depressed all the fucking time and angry. I was fucking 20 times angry what I am now. I was depressed. I wasn't making progress in my life.

I wasn't making progress in my relationship. I wasn't making progress in no direction. Yeah, I was beating around the fucking edges and you know, booking movies and, but the real problem wasn't taking care of. I kept throwing sand over the real fucking problem, you know? Yeah. And yeah, I was the exception to the rule because I didn't have fucking time to go away for six to eight weeks.

I didn't have fucking time. Who's got fucking time? I go away for six weeks, now I come back with a stigma. Now, everybody knows I went to fucking rehab, so everybody handles me with rubber fucking gloves and I lose, you know, people, no matter what people say, it's a fucking weakness for a person to go to a fucking rehab. At least this is my world, you know what I'm saying? I don't even know if I'm saying it the right way.

It's like in our world here, yeah, people, there's two ends to the rehab thing. There's a very interesting soprano episode when the kid says he doesn't drink anymore and now he can't socialize or cost him. That's the problem with all that stuff, that your life changes sometimes, so it doesn't let you grow to the fullest. I was very, I was very scared, but if I didn't do coke anymore, I wasn't going to be funny. I wasn't going to be crazy anymore. That was part of my addiction, but I really believed that if I didn't do it anymore, I

wouldn't be funny. I wouldn't be funny up there. You know, I had all these little fucking hang-ups and then I realized all that shit don't matter. My health is what matters. Yeah, exactly. That's why, and I don't want to just disagree with you, but if someone I know went to rehab, I wouldn't think it was a weakness at all. We fucking rehab two people go to.

No, but there's- Until they get healthy, but you don't see what I'm saying to you. In the back of my mind, if I'm your comrade, if I'm your com- right now, you don't know, you never experienced drugs, but the little fucking weed we fuck around with. I'm talking about being up for three days. When you're at work all day editing and you're thinking about it, when you have a- now you have a girl that'll suck your dick while you're on it, which is even better, and you eat her pussy and you have to pay for it, but who gives a fuck?

She's going to suck it. These addictions run throughout your head, so right now, Lee, you're a very nice guy, and you and I are scholars or whatever the fuck we call ourselves, colleagues, okay? But in the back of my mind, you're going to sit on the couch one night and go, I can't believe this happened to Joey, like what the fuck happened? So in a way, not really, but in a way, you're going to look at that as a weakness. It's a weakness. When you do drugs at any level, I smoke pot today.

You think I'm happy that I smoke? You see me with a fucking ponytail, with a picture of a Martian on my fucking shirt? No, because I smoke pot because I'm insecure. I don't smoke pot because of medical marijuana, because I'm fucking the cool kid on the block, or whatever. I smoke pot because I'm an insecure fucking jerk off. When I start tweeting in the morning, I'm hitting that fucking pot. That's where I get my balls from to write this shit from, in a way, in a way, and I'm

not being facetious here. Oh, no, I understand why you're saying the drug use is a weakness. I mean, yeah. It's a fucking weakness. Who the fuck are you kidding? I'm being cool. So yeah, but I didn't want people to say, like, let's say someone addicted out there wants to go to rehab, and it's not that people go eight times and say it's first time.

Going to rehab isn't an additional weakness. He's not going to think, oh, Joey Diaz is going to hate me because I'm not going to rehab. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want you to go to a fucking rehab because whether it works or not, it slows you down. Okay. It's like getting a DUI. It slows you down.

All I want you to do is to be slowed down a little bit to get a piece of your mind back and realize what the fuck have I been doing? I've been fucking Arab chicks up the ass. I don't do that shit. I've been putting hummus on my ballsack and letting some chicks with a dot in my head suck it. Don't knock it till you try it. No, I know, I know, but you understand me that that's the, that's the, I want people

to go to a rehab where they get slowed down because when you get slowed down, it gives you a chance to think about it and then you have a decision to make and then you'll go, you know what? Okay. I fucked up. I'm just going to do blow on Friday and Saturday and I'm not going to stop. And I'd rather you do that than go to a rehab, hang out with a bunch of fucking people with tattoos that say AA on it, give people hugs, but meanwhile you live a miserable inside.

And I'll tell you what, that works for a while. If you write and if you work the steps, you will learn to adjust to be happy with that. I could look you in the eye. I could look with my wife in the eye and I could look mercy in the fucking eye. And I know one thing that I'd never done before because by listening, when people talk to me about drugs, without looking at their face, just by their voice, I know they're lying to me or not because I was there. I had the same voice.

I know what your voice turns into when you tell them that cocaine. I don't even like it, Lee. When I go out, I don't look for blow. If somebody has it, I'll do a liner too. I have a friend in Jersey, every time I talk to her, I love her dearly, but it's the same story. Because she'll put on her Facebook that she's hungover and she was out till seven. I know she was doing powder.

I know the people she runs with, North Bergen. I don't give a fuck, but I don't like those people. I don't like that excuse. So what slowed you down? What slowed you down? Was it Maryland, do you think? Or like what? Because it was different levels.

The first thing that slowed me down was prison. I was six months, seven, eight months, then I was in lockdown that I couldn't even look at cocaine. What I did when I got out of there, I snorted blow. Again, those were eight months that I just lied to myself. I was a 25-year-old kid, oh yeah, when I got out of here, I'm never doing blow. I'm never going to do it again. I was out maybe three hours before I was looking for a fucking package.

You understand me? It was already, and this is, after getting sentenced, this is after hurting the people I love that I didn't give a fuck about. At the end of the day, I didn't give a fuck about these people because I committed this crime right under their fucking nose. I didn't care for these fucking people. You tell yourself, oh, I love them. I don't love them.

I love cocaine. I love drugs. I love what the fuck I'm doing at the time. So that slowed me down. And then comedy slowed me down a little bit, but it didn't. It didn't. When I lived in Seattle, I was snorting blow four nights a week. Then I moved to LA.

And once I got going with that first Taco Bell commercial, I didn't stop. I was on a fucking tag. And it got worse and worse and worse and worse. And I would take three or four days off and think about what I had to do. I still had a plan. I was still making strides with my career, whatever, you know? And it really wasn't till Marilyn slowed me down. My tooth turning black slowed me down.

If you watch my name as Earl, when I'm singing the song, Bad Boys, Bad Boys, look at my mouth. My tooth is black. If you know me, you're like, look at Joey, the Philip Seymour, you fucking blacken this tooth to be an actor, to be in jail. No, that was a real fucking cavity. That was about to break my fucking tooth. That slowed me down. That embarrassment about having a front tooth, I would be shocked.

I couldn't deal with it. I could never deal with it in my fucking head. So and then the thing that got me the most was Terry. Somewhere in my addiction, I wasn't selfish anymore. That's when I knew that I was going the right direction when I started thinking about what if, what if, what was my turning point in my life? If you really think about what my turning point was, what the hardest point in my life was, was when I touched my mother's neck to see if she was alive at 15 years old.

You have no idea what that bend over, how eerie that bend over was. I just watched the season finale of Sons of Anarchy again when he finds Tara dead on the floor and he looks in and you know, in your mind you say, I hope not. I hope she's not dead. In your mind, that's the first time your mind will play tricks on you when you see somebody on the floor and you're just hoping that they passed out. You're hoping. You're just fucking hoping and you look up in the sky and you go, Jesus please, just

let them slip and bang their head and you have to go over there and kneel down and touch them. You have no idea. At that moment that changed my life forever, that made me look behind the curtain of life. That was horrible. And I didn't want my wife to have to find me on the floor. I didn't want, at that time she wasn't even my fucking wife. At the time when I went clean, it was, I had been with Terry six years, six or seven years.

So at this time I was like, you know what, I'm looking at this poor girl with her blue eyes and her upbringing and her life and that she deserved to pick me up on the floor with my arms green or purple, does she fucking really deserve this? For the first time I really, even when I got locked up, that was what really made me realize I never wanted to be in jail. Yeah, the food, yeah, you know, people yelling, I could do it in the back of my head going to prison. What I didn't like is when Lee has to come visit me to look on Lee's face.

He doesn't have to say nothing. He's happy. We're happy while we're there talking, but on your face it's a look of disappointment and shock. You can handle it, but the people who love you don't need to put them through this. And at the end of the week, that's the most important thing. When we're addicted to shit, we hurt the fucking people we love. The closest, you know, we steal from them, we borrow from them, never pay them, we fucking,

you know, tell them we're going to be somewhere and we're not there, you know, we just, and then you have to think about how is that person going to be at my funeral? You have to ask yourself. If that's what it takes to fucking get you clean, you have to ask yourself, what is it going to do to this guy at my funeral? What is it going to do to my mother? What is it going to do to my grandmother? What is it going to do to my friends?

What is it going to do if they find me on the floor? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to go like Belushi. Who wants to die like fucking Belushi at 30 fucking years old? Nobody wants to die from that shit. Can you imagine, you know, floating the fuck up to heaven or hell or whatever the fuck they take you, Juville or whatever the fuck they take you. We do have a better heaven. Yeah.

And where would the fuck they take you knowing that your life ended over a fucking needle, over a line of fucking blow? Can you fucking imagine that with all the people I knew that carried guns in my life ended with a line of blow in an apartment in fucking Hollywood? I'm going out like some young dumb fucking actor in fucking Hollywood or some young dumb fucking musician. I'm 40 something years old. That's what I thought about late.

And that's what you really have to think about. I think that was a turning point in my addiction right there where I was like, okay, we got to figure something to fuck out. So at that point, I said, fuck it, I'm going to slow down a little bit. I'm not going to go out and get that second gram. And then West and then in Maryland, then the Maryland conversation really put it into it because then I knew it was something more. Maryland was just a conduit for a message.

You know, I had this, the other day Terry and the baby were in my bedroom, our bedroom, and I was in the computer. I was playing with the baby. I was watching Yo Gabba Gabba on the computer, you know, with her. She like coming in sometimes and just sitting on my lap and her and I watch Terry does whatever the fuck she does. And I looked up, up at the fucking billboard. I had like this chalkboard, you know, with pictures of my high school friends and different

notes and I have a note in there from a girl, her father, that I was best friends with the father. The father is still one of my brothers. We were on the phone on a Saturday. I told you about this. And he goes, I need your address because my daughter wants us, she goes, hold on, and he gave her the phone. She goes, Hi Uncle Joey, I want to, I want to send you something in the mail.

You know, she had just graduated high school and it was like an invite to a formal or something like that. I don't know what the fuck it really was. And she asked me for my address and then the week I went by and that Tuesday afternoon I heard from a friend of mine in Colorado and she goes, have you heard from Joe? And I go, no, why? I heard from him last week. And he goes, his daughter died in a car accident.

So she sent me a card that Saturday. She put it in the mail and hours later was when she died in a car accident. I got the letter that day. I got the card that day. I never opened it. It took me about a year to open it, but I didn't throw it away either. And I hung it up on my boy under her picture, you know, I have a certain side of the wall for people who had gone on Rago and my mom and just kids I grew up with that I loved

that I had never forgot about. And I looked at that thing and I looked at it as a message. That was a message. She sent me a fucking message before she died, you know, what the message was. I have no fucking idea, you know, but you have to, I don't even know how to explain this. Were you still doing coke or when was this? Yeah.

No, it was probably, no, I think I had just gotten off the coke. I think it was 2009 when she died or something because I did a movie after that and they both came on the set, the mother and the father and we talked and I spoke to her about it and stuff. So I looked at, I still have that card on the wall, stapled, well, thumbtacked and I thought about that card. I was a message, you know, that something and I didn't look at it at that time. I'm just really happy I got over my addiction and if you're on and like I said, I answered

three or four emails last night, two of them were about pills, one of them was about heroin and the other one was about meth last night. And the heroin guy was beautiful because it's exactly that last level. His wife, he was married, he had two fucking kids. He said he was coming home at night and doing a blast to maintain and then Friday, Saturdays and Sundays he just goes off once they go to sleep. Grace to God, his wife doesn't wake up in the middle of the night. She thinks he's right, you know, and he doesn't know what his next step is.

Well, that's kind of the great thing about this now because I was thinking when you were saying it, like some people might think they don't have anybody that would be disappointed, but the great thing about this is we've met so many people that, like we were talking earlier how great of a guy a water boxer is. If anything God forbid happened to a water boxer, thousands of people would be pissed off and sad. So now like if you're thinking about this like, oh, no one would care if I passed away. Yeah, there'd be people on, like I would notice people on Twitter went away and like-

I noticed some people come and go from Twitter because you're there so much. You know, I noticed some people fucking come and go from Twitter, but people do care, man. People reflect on your death and go, Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck happened? What the fuck happened to that person? You know, listen, man, I accept any death. I accept this morning when I leave here, I could be crossing the street. Some guy looks down on his phone, runs a red light and hits me with his fucking car. I accept any death that happens, bro.

You know, that happens, you're going to die, cancer, something, you know, blood pressure, heart attack, that happens in life. What a fucking drug overdose, especially when you're young because, and you don't know why you're doing it. I didn't know what the fuck what I would have known if I would have done a line and started getting dizzy and then went to sleep and then never woke the fuck up because that's all it is. You close your eyes and go to sleep and you never wake the fuck up.

You have a cardiac arrest. I know people have done blow and died in their sleep. I have a friend of mine who went to Miami in the early 80s, got some blow, went home and went to sleep and died in his fucking sleep, from an aneurysm, right? That's what you call those, when that blow, vein blows up and you're fucking dead. Are you kidding me? So my heart goes out to Philip Seymour Hopkins family, he had three kids and a wife. Oh, he did?

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man, this is, it's fucking sad. Listen, man, you got a problem or something, go take care of it today. Just handle it today. Done. Today. Take a ride. Get a hotel room and blast off one last time and think about how you're going to handle

it. But get rid of it. You know what, man, if I have one fucking regret and for years I've been on the fence about it, like, you know what, man, I don't know if I regret doing blow, it was an adventure. It opened up a different door for me, but it opened up fucking 20 bad doors for me too. You know what? Fuck it. Get off the shit.

Pills, whatever. Get off the shit. You need to get high, get a fucking cocktail in you, smoke a joint when you get home. Don't drink and fucking drive. And that's it. That's fucking it. That's Monday's epilogue. Where's the music, dawg?

Where's Tony fucking Bennett? Where's Tony been out of respect for the fucking spirits that look over me, motherfuckers? It's Monday, February 3rd. Happy birthday, Jackie. What's up, dawg? I don't really know what to say, dude. I feel like we should, like, end it and come back in two minutes and do a jokey one. That was an intense 45 minutes.

Life is fucking intense. You know what I'm saying? I don't even want to give you a fucking blowjob idea that it's all bells and whistles. That people who go through life thinking it's bells and whistles, then they get hit in the head and they realize life is bad. No, no, no, no. Life has always been bad. You just thought it was bells and fucking whistles.

I want you to look at the bad part of it and say, this is not for me. You want to fucking get stone drank. Drink that you dick suck. You know? But once you're dealing with a blow, you're going to lose. Gambling, you're going to fucking lose eventually. All that shit, all that shit, all those corners you're cutting. My friends, it all comes back to haunt you.

I'm 50. If I could do it all again, I would have joined the service, I would have got a big fucking machine gun, I would have shot people, and right now I would have been fucking retired getting three, four grand a month with medals on my chest like a fucking doctor. Oh, God. Many people are looking at me going, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm serious. That's what I'm talking about.

You know? But I'm here, I'm doing stand-up and I'm satisfied with what I got in the pieces and the people I have in my life. So Mondays are about, Sundays you reflect, you see how lucky you are, and Monday you scratch your fucking nuts, you sniff your fingers, and you go, fuck it, somebody's sucking my balls today. You know what I'm saying? Fuck at least I am.

I love this marijuana today, Monday. I love it. I'm going to go to the kettlebell class, I'm going to throw some balls around today. Bam! We got a meeting at 1. Oh, yeah. I got the Agostino. Hopefully we're going to find an office today.

It's fucking steps, people. I'm going to order the shirts tomorrow. We got the fucking designs. I ordered the patches for the fucking geese. I'm on fire, Lee. Yeah, we can't be stopped. I'm on fire like a fucking Jew. I'm fire.

You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. We're getting thrown out of here anyway. Oh, yeah, fuck it. Fuck these fucking Russians. I was your weekend buddy. I had an amazing weekend. What'd you do this weekend?

It was the stupidest thing. I mean, just hearing you talk about Terry, on Saturday, Paul and I, we had dinner and we went to Petco to look at dogs and cats and that was our big Saturday. I was in the picture of the kids. Yeah, we went to Petco because that's where the dog place I got the dog before was at and I actually let them know I'm moving and I had a couple puppies. So this place you're moving to, they accept dogs? Yeah.

And you're going to go for a dog? Yeah, I'm going to go. What type of dog you get? Look, I need a small, it has to be a small one. I like a shizu. They have this little Chihuahua wiener dog mix there a couple days ago that was just adorable and fell asleep in my arms. But I think that's a big, I think that's the next step for what I need.

I think I need a dog, but it was just, it was crazy how our big Saturday night was, we went to Petco, we got a little dinner and that was it, that was it. Where'd you go for dinner? Went to islands. Right at the corner of Ventura. Yeah, it's a burger place. What kind of burger did you get? I just got the basic one.

So you went to burgers on Saturday and we went to Arnie Morton's Friday and you got a fucking hamburger. Should I stab you now? Should I tell the people? I got it because it was noon. Okay, thankfully we got a call, but I'll explain it a little bit. The fuck, cocksucker. What's happening, dude?

What's happening, my brother? How you doing, man? Fucking Lisa at the Flying Jew goes to Arnie Lang's with me on Friday and gets a fucking cheeseburger. It was noon. I don't give a fuck if it's noon. Listen, when you go to Arnie Morton, I don't care if it's six in the morning, you get a 15 ounce of mashed potatoes and the fucking cocktails and clams on the half-shell.

That's how Bert Kreischer would do it. Fuck the body walk. It got a cheeseburger. It was a nice one. Everyone was talking about sandwiches. It was noon on a Friday. I thought we were all going to get small things. You joined his wife got a nice steak, a little salad.

I was like, I'm sure. You got to get the protein a little in salata, you know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. Bert Kreischer, if you went to Arnie Lang's late in the morning, what would you get? You'd open up with a fucking Bloody Mary, a steak and a fucking loambrow, like a fucking, like a Hungarian. Leann is, Leann is, this is the reality of my life. Leann's interrupting me as I talk to you going, are you talking to Joey?

Tell him I have a box of baby books I want to get for him. Okay, tell him. Yeah, tell him. No, no, we had a nice time. Thank you for having us all for the Super Bowl Massacre last night. The fucking chicken and the sausages and the baked fucking meatloaf. I didn't shit it out. So it was good meatloaf.

He made a good meatloaf. Yeah, I ate like a lunatic and then I think I got a very drunk and got a massage. How was the massage? It was good. It was really good. It was, it was aggressive, man, my back, like, I guess I'm sleeping wrong on the back of my side. I got kidney stones, but I passed out in the middle of the massage and she didn't wake

me up to get me to roll over. Oh, that's what the massage is all about then. Oh, yeah. I'm so shocked about this early, Joey. I don't know though. It's Monday. You're supposed to get up early. But let me tell you something that meat, your buddy made, told Lee what was in it.

Lee loves this shit. He put, he takes like, he makes a meatloaf, I think, and then he puts bacon in the center of it with cheese in the center of it, with barbecue sauce and maples and brown sugar, then wraps meatloaf over the bacon, then covers the meatloaf in bacon and covers that and brown sugar, and then barbecue sauce. It was out of this world. Out of this world. You put that on white bread, Jesus fucking Christ.

You just sit there, eat with naked. You eat that shit naked, because you grow as you eat it, understand me? You grow as you fucking eat it. Delicious. I told Joey to sit in the kid's hangover. You tried the meatloaf or the bacon explosion, Joey's like, that was hot. I was like, it's the first thing in there. Try it.

You're like, oh my God. Fucking delicious. The chicken you made was delicious. The little pieces of meat were delicious. The chocolate cake that somebody brought, it took a little tip before Ila ate it. It was fucking delicious. It was a great barbecue. I didn't know what I was going to do for the soup bowl.

I don't fucking know. Ari called me, wanted me to go to the comedy store, they were going to grill outside, like Papillon. You know what I'm saying? I didn't want to fucking... Papillon. That's a good fucking movie. One of the last time you watched Papillon was Birdcrasher, it's a long one.

Fucking Steve McQueen and fucking Dustin Hoffman, they steal it. They kill it. What's going on? Tell me something good, brother. It was a fun time, man. I'm glad you came. Everyone, it's funny too because you're one of those people that, like, it was literally like two...

It was my buddy John Moore and another family, John and Claire. And you're one of those people that as soon as I said you're coming, my buddy Lorenzo found out and he drove over. He's like, so he's going to be there or there's going to be a blast. I know, we had a good time. I like your buddies. I like the guy that just is opening up the yoga studio. He's a good guy.

We were talking about the fucking church over here. My wife goes to this church and she goes there because the daycare is sensational. Jewish kids go to the fucking Christian daycare. That's how good this is. They come up from Orange County to go right down the corner there. So the church is close to us. I was thinking about converting when we first had Georgia because the Jewish schools are amazing over in Hollywood.

Amazing. Yeah, I'm thinking about converting full time. Everybody's a fucking Jew at the end. I mean, it's not fun living out here if you ain't Jewish. If you're a Jew in Hollywood, that's fun. I'd put a big yamaka. You know what the BMW is? The same sign here.

I'd take that off and put a fucking star of David instead. And on my windshield, forget about it. I'd be a fucking flaming Jew. You know how there's flaming fags? I'd be a flaming fucking Jew. Fuck flaming fags. I'd be a flaming fucking Jew. That's a non-tundra, whatever the fuck you call it.

You can't say that, but it's true. If you're going to be a Jew, be a flaming fucking Jew in Hollywood. Fuck them all. Anyway, when I was sitting there yesterday in your man cave, I saw something very interesting that I, you know, Bert, for me, it's the next chapter of this career. And you've got a book out. And it comes out May 25th, you said? May 27th.

Yeah. May 27th, which is Labor Day weekend. It's a good weekend to release a book. People could buy the book. But for us, you know, when an author writes a book, he sits down and he writes the fucking book in his room. His wife comes in every six months and says, you've got to come out for daylight. You know, whatever.

I read Stephen King on writing and, you know, he writes out a book in 12 days, but he puts a thousand words down and that's great. But when you're a comic, you know how hard it is to write a fucking book because your train of thought is constant, not to mention you've got a thousand distractions. You know, you got to get on stage, you got to write jokes. In our case, we have wives and children and commitments and television and meetings and this and this. So what you did by writing a book in my world is fucking tremendous percretia.

Well, thanks, Joey. Yeah, it was, man, it was like, I got the deal thinking, you know, I remember going to pitch it and they were like, so you really think you can write a book? And in my head, I was like, yeah, because I knew all these other comics that had written books, like all these other comics that had best sellers, except for Jim Norton. Jim Norton's the only dude they told me that wrote his book. Someone else just had a ghostwriter come into their house for a weekend. They told a bunch of stories and the ghostwriter wrote it.

And I was like, I mean, dude that I was friends with, we're saying, oh, yeah, yeah, I wrote a book and they never wrote the book. And man, it was literally the toughest thing I've ever, the toughest thing I've ever had to, because you already get the money, you got to finish it. I literally, I remember I told you, I was like, get that dragon dictate. That dragon dictate is like a thing you can speak into, except you got to be sober when you do it. Not when I write.

I do not write sober. So I was literally, halfway through, I was like, I made a mistake. I should have never gotten a book deal. I should give them back the money. But man, I'm so glad I'm done. I'm so glad I did it, because it's one of those huge things where you just look at it and you're like, it's like losing weight, you know? I'm just, I'm glad it's over.

I'm glad I did it. I'm proud of it. And hopefully, just hopefully people will buy it. That's the next step is then now you got to go whore yourself out, you know, like starting like in like April, I'll be like doing everything. I'll just be like this doing soft shoes, like, Hey guys, buy my book, buy my book. I was talking to you about last night, amazing the power of the internet, the internet so much put more powerful than what standard like media outlets are these days.

What would you pay? What would they charge you to run a commercial for your fucking book during Mike and Molly? Oh, dude, you'd never make that money back. You'd never make that money back. What would they charge you? So now you have that option. Or you have the option. I have a friend that works in cable TV in New York State.

And he goes, Joey, if I was you, I'd call a local cable station and find out the rates. You'd be surprised in how cheap it is. And you could advertise your comedy gigs. And that's one way. And that's great. How many people really watch TV? How many people really watch commercials? How many people really are DVR?

The true word gather everybody has a fucking computer somewhere now. Yeah. Even if it's on their fucking phone. Even if it's on their fucking phone. I remember hearing that when I was a young comic, I was in the Tampa improv for a weekend and there was someone pitching me to get my comedy videos on cell phones and I was like my head. I was like, what a dumb idea.

I was like, you're telling me I'm not going to watch the TV and I'm going to watch my phone. Dude, I just watched all the Super Bowl ads like 10 minutes ago on my phone. I don't think I watched any on the TV last night. I watched them all on my phone. You're right, Joey. It doesn't. There's the only thing that is a consistent is you will be looking at that thing in your

hand once a day. The internet is so much more powerful than if you take out say $1,200 worth of ads on Comedy Central in local in Syracuse or in Omaha and you do use and you put like ads of your to Joey Diaz is coming to Syracuse, uh, February 15th, 16th and 17th. People, I think they're numb to that, you know, but if you talk about it on your podcast and tweet it, all of a sudden that's super active and people are like, they're like, Oh my God. Joe.

And then they have the ability to readvertise your advert, your, your advertising. Listen for a marketing standpoint from a marketing standpoint. Let's pretend you hired me to call people and talk about Burke Rice's book. And I made a hundred calls from five to seven o'clock at night. And I made a hundred calls from 11 to one. We would mark to see how many people would talk to me and you'd be surprised. How many people would talk to me on the clock and how many people won't talk to me on the clock?

Are you following what I'm saying to you? So if you're sitting, if you're sitting in an office and I call you, the chances are you're going to talk to me because you're on the clock. How can I help you? Listen, I'm selling this fucking book. It'll make your cock get bigger in seven days, you know, and they'll listen to even the pitch before they hang up on you, at least at home, they'll just go not interested and hang up on you.

You know, when we were in school, what you didn't realize was that we went to school from eight 15 to three. Your parents worked till five. Your mom gets home at five and she puts you in bed at 10. In reality, you're around teachers a lot more than you're around your parents. The point of the story is people are around their computer a lot more than around their TV unless they're unemployed pieces of shit. Yeah. Do you think you don't you understand what I'm saying to you?

So if you're around that work, let's say you're a shipping dude, right? In between shipments, you're going to click into the line and you're going to check your Facebook and you're going to check your Twitter and you're going to check Google News or Yahoo News or whatever fucking news trend you follow. And people do that all fucking day. What about the IT people? They're on the computer from nine to fucking six or nine to five. When Lee was editing, Lee, you could edit while listening to a podcast, correct?

Yeah, that's how I got into it. Yeah. OK. All day all night. All fucking day all night. So the tea, they have more access to the computer now than they have access on television. Think about that. That's the truth, Berkshire. Yeah, I was getting my feet. I was getting my feet X-rayed by the orthopedist and the X-ray technician had his Bluetooth in his ear and was listening to a podcast through his Bluetooth.

And I was like, I can hear it. And he's just something I'm good. I go, what are you listening to? And he literally was caught. He goes, oh, no, no, nothing. I'm just it was my phone. I'm sorry. And I was like, no, no, no, what were you listening to? And he's like, I'm listening to Colt Cabana.

I was like, really? He's like, yeah, it's a podcast. And I go, no, I don't. I'm like, I know who it is. It's a wrestling podcast. And I go, really? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I listened to podcasts while I work. I don't really have to do much. I just got to take pictures.

So I was like, shut up, man. That is insane. But that's the outreach of these of the podcast. And you're right. You're totally right. When you say that, Joey, is that people are further computers much more than they are in front of that TV, much more. And even when you're in front of the TV, you always have your phone.

When the book, if you have to watch commercials, if you're not TV, you're hiring it when you're when the commercials come on, your phone comes out. So you're right. I sit, I sit and watch TV with my phone and my iPad. And I literally, if the show isn't catching my attention, I'm on I'm on site. I'm on Twitter. I'm on Facebook. You're right. You're totally right.

I think the next move, even for myself, I was going to talk to Lee about this this week, because he produces a lot of shit we do is I was thinking of even doing a web series. That's it. Yeah, doing a seven minute fucking web series once a week, 10 minute, you know, going to coffee and Marie T fucking the weeds, something, something with a few cameras, because it's the way to go. Listen, man. Well, it's interesting.

It's interesting the way you've you've kind of dealt with. Uh, dealt with the Internet. A lot of people have have gone out of their way to make what they'd call a web presence. I was talking to you about this last night. I mentioned it to you. You have simply integrated the web and people that are fans of yours into your life.

Like you were getting up every morning at five in the morning doing bong here, listening to music and rolling phone calls to the East Coast. That was what you did. Now you've incorporated it into a podcast in your Twitter feed. Remember, I'm telling you this, I think one of the I I wake up and I go, come in, you're one of the few people where I feel like your Twitter feed is an extension of your personality, genuinely, you know? Well, you have to be. Why would I go on and say shit?

Oh, it's a blessed day. I didn't fucking know blessed day. You're going to get up and you're going to fucking, you know, you're going to giggle and you're going to have a fucked up day, but you're going to keep your balls in mind and where the fuck you're from and go out there and sling some dick. And if you play your cards, right, you might even get your dick sucked out of bus stop, something to give you a hope. You got to give you a fucking day hope.

I used to give my day hope. You got to give your day some hope that today might be the fucking day you might bump into a gram of blow on the sidewalk by mistake. Right there, a big Coke, right? A Colombian, federal express is your something good's going to happen. That's what gets you remember? Remember when you were fucking going to camp in June 28th after summer from fucking April on, you were on your best behavior

because you didn't want nothing to fuck up that that was hope. The same thing for your fucking day. You got to give your day hope. Hopefully by eight o'clock I'll be on all fours and some chick will be eating in my ass from behind, licking my ballsack while I'm reading fucking Shakespeare. That's success. You know what I'm saying? I love the analogy, but like right before you like you can't be on your best behavior, you don't want to fuck it up.

Yeah, you're on your best fucking behavior. You don't want to fuck nothing up. You got hope. Once you have hope, hope is everything. Hope is fucking everything. So if you wake up in the morning, you're feeling empty, dumpy about your day, you got no weed, you got three dollars for breakfast and you read on your Twitter, grab your cock cock sucker. We're going deep today.

Sure, you're going to go. Joey knows where I'm coming from. You wash your pussy and you eat what you got and you go out there and you're front of breakfast and you stab somebody and you fucking make the day completely. But Christ, that's what it's all about. What are you going to write your book? That's what I'm waiting for. If I tell you something yesterday, I went to Marie T and I sat there for three

hours and I outlined. I really want to write three books. I know that I'm 50. I know that I don't have much time left. And the one book that I'm in the process of that I'm stuck on one chapter. Is the night that a week before my mother died, we had a conversation and she was pissed at me and she hit me. And she told me that, you know, I'm sorry about lifting my hand here, but all I want you to do is to grow up and be a man.

And I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. But after she died, I realized what she was talking about. So I'm trying to write like an autobiography of stories of what may be become a man, do you know what I'm saying? What stories in my life helped me clarify that statement. And it's fucking hard, you know, it's hard. I'm up to like chapter four. I've written four chapters, believe it or not, but I got to rewrite them.

And then I want to write another book about addictions. I was telling Lee about the 26 years of drug use that I had, just fucking down and dirty, you know, and not like a nostalgic look at it. Yeah, just to let people know, man, how ugly it really was, how disgusting and dirty it really was, how disgusted I am. When I think about it, I was telling the guy from Minneapolis that one night me and my buddy from North Carolina had four ounces of blow in a hotel room and for some reason we looked out the window and we saw a dog.

We thought it was a dog. So we dumped the four ounces in the toilet and we sat around the toilet the rest of the night licking purple spots and yellow spots around the toilet. Just putting your finger on it because the coat melted on the side of the wall. And then we realized the next day that dog was a fire hydrant. That's how that's how fucked up we were on the blow. We were hallucinating that fucking dog was a fire hydrant.

You know, that's a disgusting, stupid fucking story. And then I want to write a letter, a book to my daughter, letters, letters from your father type deal. Yeah. About her expectations and what I expect. And, you know, just stories to clarify life for her, you know, you look at your daughters, I mean, you have two daughters and you look at them and you look at what they want, what you want them to be. You know, you know what strengths they need for them to tell them, motherfucker,

you know what, go fuck yourself. Have you watched the family? The movie, the family? You know, I was in Europe. Yeah, I got stuck on a plane and watching one of the worst movies you ever watched in your life. But the little girl, his daughter and the movie is bad ass. They take it to the beach. These kids take it to the beach and the one guy touches her bra

and she smiles and she goes to the car and she gets a tennis racket. And she beats the fuck out of this kid unmercifully. And you look at that scene and you go, that's my daughter. Because if my daughter doesn't do that, the other kids are going to fuck with it. Listen, you're you only fucked with a girl after one of your buddies got away fucking with it. Did you call the girl name? So I just want to prepare my daughter to be the best woman she could be, you know, not to get impressed with tattoos and the little fucking hatch with the feathers in them

and to say the word amazing and fabulous and not to be able to kiss other people twice on the cheek and all that fake shit. I want my I want my daughter to work from strength. I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to be a woman at twelve. I wanted to be able to tell men to go fuck themselves, go fuck your mother up the ass because think about it right or wrong. We won't fuck with you. Right. You want your daughter to be a fucking savage.

I want my daughter to stab a motherfucker. I want guys to know that they will get stabbed in the fucking neck if they mess with my daughter. And I want you know what I'm saying? You wanted to be a woman and you wanted to be smart. But you look at these how many girls do you look at every day and go look at this fucking dumb whore? Look at this fucking dummy sucking this fucking this fucking far in a dick. You know, look at this fucking dummy what she's doing to a house by doing this dumb shit. You know, and that's what you look at your daughters.

And you know, I have a friend that has two daughters. This kid was never a fuck up. He was a part of you when I was growing up and I went home like two years ago and I met his daughters and I was blown the fuck away. And this was way before I even thought of having kids. I called him up and I said, how did you do it? And he said, I did it the old fashioned way. I paid my dues with my girls.

I was there for them. I watched them like a fucking hawk. I answered all their questions and I let them know who the captain Kirk of the Enterprise was. One got a scholarship to Rutgers and the other one got a scholarship to Yale and they're both beautiful and they're both very respectful and one doesn't drink. And the other one believes in Christ. But you know what? Think about your kids.

Remember when you went to your reunion, remember all the cool kids? Yeah. What a fuck are they today on Facebook? They're overweight. They got missing teeth. They're divorced eight times. Remember all the geeks? They got their lives together.

I want my daughter to be a fucking geek. Okay. I don't want her to be part of the cool kids because at the end of the day, the cool kids are a bunch of fucking losers anyway. Where are they today? Go on Facebook. Where are those hot chicks? Fat in the motherfucker.

Divorce, three kids, three different fathers. One's got kinky hair. Get the fuck out of here. Anyway, I'm sorry. So those are my ideas for my books that I started writing. Some for my wife, some for my daughter in case I die tomorrow. You know, I'm going to be, I'll tell you what, it's going to be an interesting book to read. What's going to be more interesting is watching your daughter grow up.

I'm telling you, that's going to be a fun year to watch grow up. You know, I'm still confused on how to do it, but I know the truth is one. And love is the other one. And honesty is the most important thing. And tell them how you feel. I think, I think, I don't know. But Christ, I never wrote a book on being a father. I'm just, I mean, just from hanging out with you guys last night, you're doing a great job.

I mean, it's your, I think I was saying to Leanne, I want to have a baby now, just so I can go through grade school with you, with you and Terry and Mercy, you know, just to watch you go through all the parenting stuff, like drop off and, and pace meetings. And that's going to be fantastic. It's really crazy how I go to your house and your older daughter is very conservative. But the younger one, we got home last night, my wife said to me, I love Isla. Isla don't fuck around. Isla does not fuck around.

And you once told me, you go, you worry about Isla, but I'll tell you what, I want my daughter to be, because I know Isla's got killer potential. Isla will hit a motherfucking head with a two by four. And you got to respect that a little girl. I respect that a little girl. When I see a little girl go, hey, do me a favor, go fuck yourself. At first you're like, Hey, watch your language. But then you're like, thank fucking God.

You told that little fucking kid to go fuck himself. You know what I'm saying? Like that. I made her sell me the cookies last night and she worked it. She worked it. She was, she was so excited. I sold cookies to Joey. I was like, I know.

Oh yeah, I made her sell them to me. Get the thing. What do you want? Just, she broke it down, what they had. I made, I asked her about the calories to fuck with her a little bit. She gave me some weird answer. She was hitting me up for money for soldiers. All right.

So when is the book coming out? How long did it take you to write it? What happened? Book comes out May 27th. It took, the deal was supposed to be nine months. That's how long they wanted me to write it. It took like two years because, because I go through, I wrote like some really great stories that I thought were what the book was.

And one of the things that these publishers do is they literally sit and they, and they kind of, they know what they want the book to be from a marketing standpoint before you even write it. So like I, he told me, he was like, my guy, you need, he was like, just write everything down and then I'll go through it. And so what I do is I'd write down stories that were like, they were like five pages long. Then I'd write like the machine stories in there.

That's the story that sold the book, but that's like 15 pages long. But I'd write like a five page story and then I was like, I don't know what we can do with this. And then he'd look at it and he'd be like, you know what? We can plug this into the story where, you know, you and your buddy Eddie went into that town or the time you dated that girl with cerebral palsy. And so, so he'd take these shorter stories and make them either a side or a bigger part or smaller parts of the bigger story. So I went through and I wrote everything.

And then I wrote like some really great stories like about this time that I got, I got, I got, I was used as an example at basketball camp by Ralph Sampson of what, how not to be. And I thought it was a great story, but he's like, no, it's not this book. And then I wrote the story of when I got, you know, fired from Barnes and Noble for working out in the basement underwear. And he's like, well, that's not this book. And I was like, really, this book's about partying.

So literally the book is from beginning to end. It's just, it's just partying stories about having a good time, getting caught up in the moment. It is, you know, it's so funny. I had a meeting with some guy and he was like, you know, he was talking about the Tracy Morgan story. Because the first time I heard that, he was like that, I was like, that story could have never happened to that guy.

And it was the guy that was telling it at the time. And he said, and he said, now that I've heard the machine story, he goes, as soon as I heard the machine story, I was like, yeah, that Tracy Morgan story happened apart. Because that's how Bert gets caught up in things. So I think that's the book is all these kind of outrageous partying, fun nights that end in chaos and misinterpretations. But, but yeah, it took twice, twice, it's not three times longer to write the book than I thought.

I thought I'd bang it out, man. I'm telling you, I was like, I don't say this all out. If it wasn't for Leanne, I would have never been able to write it. I just dumped it on paper, send it over to her. She'd take a look at it and she'd be like, this makes absolutely no sense. And then send it back to be like marked up and highlighted. Like, what? She's like, did your uncle pee on a couch?

I'm like, yeah, yeah, you didn't get that? She's like, no, I have no idea what you're fucking saying. So, so yeah, Leanne will fix it. And then I'd write it, send it to the editor, he'd send it back. And then after he sent it back, I'd go through it with his notes addressed. And then he's, and then he'd be like, okay, we're done with it. But I didn't realize we're not really done with it. That a year later, we have to revisit it and rewrite it and punch it up.

It was, it was, it was, I'll tell you, man, it's, it's, I, you know, the only thing I didn't prepare to was losing weight. It's like, you know, the process is difficult and tough. But once you're done, you're like, thank God I did it. You know what I mean? It's, uh, it's tough. It's been tough for me. I had to go on a webpage and sign up.

And, you know, sometimes some weeks I put a sentence in there a day and some weeks I put a paragraph and then you realize this has nothing to do with what the fuck I'm writing. This is nothing. But it's all, it's all part of the process. It's all part of the process. And that's what they say too. They're like, you know what?

Doesn't matter. Just sit down and write a thousand words. Just write a thousand words every day. And they're like entrusting it. Dan and I want you to have a book. You'll, you'll find what you gravitate towards. And it's true. I just sit down, I wrote on planes a lot.

I wrote like flying to Australia. I was like, I can either keep drinking and try to pass out or I can just deal with my anxiety and write. And so I just got lost and writing. I wrote the, I wrote on, on the flight to, what's it called? I wrote about fan acts and, and to Whitney Houston and Georgia breaking her teeth. And now I broke her teeth. Jesus Christ, we're a teeth fucking breaking family.

But yeah, it was, it's fun, man. It was, I'm glad it's over. You know, like that's all he gets to say. For me, man, it's, it's going to be the next chapter because eventually I'm going to cut my road time in half, you know, be 50 something. I can't go on a fucking road. I mean, I can, but I'm going to be raising a kid. And I think that the author thing definitely works.

I'll still keep fucking around online and telling these people to watch that pussy. But I like that. I really like, and I like what your goal is. You want to get to a New York Times best selling. We're going to help you bro. We're going to be here for you. That's it. And we're going to sell these fucking books.

So, so where do people go to buy it, Bert? That's the thing. You go to Bert, Bert, Bert.com and you can buy it, pre-order the book. And here's the thing that is like, it's part of the thing that I don't think people completely understand about the book selling process. So you get a deal to buy a book and then you write the book and then based on your pre-orders, that determines if Barnes and Noble puts it in the store, if Target puts it in the store, and if they do, how many they put in the store.

So literally, I'll give you exact numbers only because this is what was told to me. Literally, if you get like 5,000 pre-orders, you become a New York Times best selling author. And so my goal, my goal, look, I don't even need anyone to read the book. You can buy it and light it on fire. I just want to be, I was telling you last night, I just want to be a New York Times best selling author. But the truth is that if anyone other than what collectively is the fan base of people that are into the kind of comedy we do, if we want to share it with other people,

people that are not familiar with us, the only way to do that is through pre-orders, pre-orders determine how many get put in Barnes and Noble and Target and whatnot. So the pre-order is so important. So if you've ever cared about me and your entire life, just please pre-order this book. Go to BurtBurtBurt.com. We're doing pre-order giveaways. We haven't announced it yet. For all people at pre-order, we're going to do some sort of raffle.

We'll take all the pre-orders and we'll pull like 10 names out and people will get like prizes and special, you know, special things will be sent. I think we're going to do inserts into all the pre-orders of like a signed thank you card. So go to BurtBurtBurt.com. You can choose. You can find the link. You can choose to order it to Barnes and Noble, Books a Million, Amazon.com. But yeah, please, please, please pre-order this book.

I'm going to pre-order it, buy it, and then like the fucking thing on fire on video with you at one of your house parties and shit. And we'll burn the fucking thank you card on fire too. So you leave next week you're where? Next week I'm in Omaha. Oh, let me, let me say goodbye to Islay. She's taken off to the dentist. Don't give her a hug.

Hang on. Islay Grace. I'm running out of my road in the front yard. The grass is freezing. Fuck it. Hang on. My name is David. Islay, see you, Kirk.

Have a good time at the dentist. Okay. I love you. All right. One last look at their choppers. Yeah, I love them. Have fun guys. Yep.

We're Senator DeGeneres. We're hitting our T6 today. And this weekend is a wrap. Who has fun at the fucking dentist office? You know what I'm saying? It's not like going to Disneyland. You just fucking torture it right there. Have fun at the dentist office.

That poor kid, they're going to give her a needle. She's going to be yelling and fucking screaming. And you're smart. You don't go down there because I'm not the fucking dentist out. That's why I don't go to the dentist with my wife or the doctor. Fuck that. They give her a needle. She gets red in the face.

I get pissed. I get fucked. I'll stab that fucking doctor with the syringe 18 times. That's why I don't go down there. Fucking Bert Christia with a book. I love it, Bert. And Bert, when's the documentary come out or the movie? The documentary, we're trying to negotiate some sort of distribution now.

So anywhere from like, it'll probably come out before the book. Okay. So the book is May 27th. You can pre-order on BertBertBert.com. Right? Yep. We don't want to confuse nobody. Go to BertBertBert.com.

Pre-order the fucking book on me today. Don't wait till you get the tax return. Just do it today and we'll get this over. We'll move on with our fucking lives. And that's it. Who's better than fucking you? I had a great time yesterday, man. Thank you for having me.

I'm on the town all week. Let's get coffee before I take off for a while. All right. I'll be around tomorrow. I'll be over there till this afternoon. So I'll be over there with Lee this afternoon. So if you're not doing that, swing by, brother. I love you.

Thank you for having us. Love you too. Thank you for introducing us to your family. Thank you for having me on, man. Thank you. You know, I love you guys. BertBertBert.com. Get it together, cocksuckers.

See you, Joey. See you, Lee. See you, buddy. Bye. And that's how we do it, motherfuckers, on a Monday afternoon. We talk about addiction. We talk about BertBertBert.com and fucking books. And what the thing is, we talk about fucking Lee.

Do you see that picture of his daughter with the tail? You saw her in the daughter with the teeth? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's fucking scary as shit. Josh Hill and Graham Rapids. I love you. Demetrius Kakos, Joe Ando, Abel Bernal, Chris Garnett, Mark

Fortune, World of Rock Records, Paco Prisciato. I love you, cocksuckers. Don't forget February 22nd and a chanted evening with Joey Diaz at the Ice House. The documentary is still on fucking payloads. The CD is still on fucking iTunes and payloads. You can't eat pussy with asthma. And also, 10th Planet this month is free.

Just go in there and say the word, Death Quad. You get yourself a free fucking membership. Speaking of which, Lee mentioned it and I want to mention up front. We have a podcast. We have a voice. This is fucking great that we do this. We're going to stretch. We have the movie podcast now.

We have the nerd podcast now. Steve Simone's working with us. We're going to talk to Josh Wolf. We get an office. We weren't looking at an office there. They were doing this because we believe in entertainment. We believe where the internet's going. At the same time, we have corporate sponsors.

And I love that they chime in and they help us out. They help pay for the office to help pay Lee. You know, Lee's not working now. This covers Lee. So what we're trying to do now next is, Lee's idea was that we have a lot of local businesses. Okay. And they need help.

Like Wednesday, we're going to shout out those Gumi sermanos. They have a vapor pen they're trying to get out. And this week is cannabis week here in LA, in San Bernardino. So we want, so that's what we're doing. As part of, somebody hit us up and I looked them up and it's a good company. You know, Joe Rogan always talks about flotation tanks and how much he writes in them. I just didn't think that I would fit in one. So I never really gotten involved with flotation tanks.

And I get anxiety, especially if I get high and jump on those things. But I read up on these guys and it's escape pod tank.com, escape pod tank.com. They have like three or four different models or custom made fucking beautiful. They have all the specifications, the gallons of water, what you need. Go on escape pod tank.com. The guy's name is Jeremy. He was fucking great to talk to easy going. You know, I called them up and I said, you know, let's do this.

And one thing I don't like to do with people is mental words. Okay, if you go to escape pod tank and you order a tank, you get $250 off and mentioned in the church of what's happened now with Joey Diaz, Elisa yet. That's great. But on top of that, he was telling me his competitors, you save anywhere from three to four grand on all the fucking models. So if you're thinking about a flotation tank, or you want to read about one or start the process, please go to escape pod tank.com, read up on the thing.

You know, he'll deliver them to you if you wanted to come out and install them. It'll cost you a little extra. He said that most people know exactly what they're doing. They build the platform themselves, if that's what you call it. I mean, these guys are helpful. But the most important thing is you save dough. You save dough. You save dough.

And that's what I try to do for you here. I know not everybody that listens to the podcast is rolling with money and spending 20s and lightning strippers, pussies on fire. I know that we all have interest and we all have budgets. This is something that you should look into. Go to escapepodtank.com, $250 off if you mention this. It's not even that. You're going to save money even if you don't mention this.

The $250, maybe you're flying out and you're both shocked into this face or whatever. There's an $800 number on there. You can call Jeremy Direct if you have any fucking questions. Or go to escapepodtank.com and see what they got to offer. Again, if you go to huluplus.com online, you get one week for free. If you go to your uncle Joey Diaz, you get two weeks for free. They get to check out all their fucking shows. And trust me, every week they're adding shows on there.

Every fucking week. This is the way of the future. Sign up now and get a jump on everybody else. huluplus.com, then after that, it's $7.99 a month. You cannot lose $7.99 a month. That's $8 a fucking month for weeks of entertainment. It's $2 a fucking week. Go to huluplus.com today.

Number three on it, always on top of that game. You look at me and you go Joey, you're fucking 15. You're jumping up and down and you go to kettlebells. I don't do this because I'm naturally whatever. I'm a fat fuck. I do this from the help on it. From the hemp protein shake to the fucking shroom tech to the alpha brain to kettlebells to fucking ropes.

If you want to train and you want to get healthy, go to onit.com. Go to joeydiaz.net. And then the on it box you press church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Boom, you get 20% off. They got a raffle going. A sweepstake. Go to onit.com.

Go to sweepstakes.com. You go see Ronnie Lawler fighting fucking Dallas on the 28th of March or whatever the fucking date is, the 14th of March. I'm sorry. I got a lot of shit going on in my fucking head right now. Plus the voices, all right? Plus they got a thing that they'll stay on it.

Where you get 20% off and they deliver to your month, to your fucking mailbox every month, just like that was Shave Club. You don't got to leave the fucking house. You got to fill out fucking paperwork. You don't got to do nothing. You're like, Joey, why are you talking to me about this shit? I'm talking to you about this shit

because I want you to be healthy. And I want you to be happy if it's a flotation tank that does it, while you're watching Hulu fucking Plus, while you're on Shroom Tech in the fucking tank, then that's what it is. Naked with some short Filipino woman licking your balls from underneath. Then that's what it is.

If you could give her a snorkel to breathe and suck at the same time, you're a fucking genius. That's what I'm trying to talk to you about here. It's fucking Monday. You understand me? You want to start the week off good. You're in a good mood. You're fucking happy.

We covered the addiction. You know, this is it. You know, if you're addicted to something, get the fuck off it. You don't want to become a fucking statistic as these fucking idiots. You know what? I was very fortunate. I'm not better than you.

I should have never done fucking drugs. But sometimes in life, you fucking make a mistake. You go on the wrong street. You fucking hook up with some chicks. You want to put a coke rock on your dick. You do a fucking snort. Next thing you know, she's gone with some fucking Puerto Rican and you're stuck in your room looking at a fucking window

paranoid selling your fucking stereo. I've been there, so I understand. Take care of this shit today. You don't want to live with this shit no more. You understand? You want to laugh at Lee and fuck around and meet Lee when we come to Boston and New York and all these fucking exotic locales.

Right over there. I love it. I love it. You never did a fucking drug. No. You know? I got very lucky. And you're not a nerd to me.

You're nothing to me. I love you like a brother. I am a nerd. I'm happy. I'm happy. Like I said to the fucking whatever. Look at all the cool kids in high school. They're fucking dead, goofy, missing teeth.

You don't want to be a cool kid in high school. You don't want your kid to be a cool kid in high school. No. You want your kid to be the fucking nerd. So at least he gets somewhere in fucking life. What do you got there in the box? What came in the mail now? Nothing.

It's just a little shirt. The holiday wrapping paper. I'm moving so I'm starting to pack. What are you going to do with these Rayleigh flags? Bring it with me to the office. We got to get you a big one, like a robe. That is a big one. You still didn't get a fucking robe yet?

Oh, I'm not going to get a robe. I'm never going to get a robe. It's the most disgusting thing. No, it's not. It's nice. You walk around like a doctor. Once your woman sees you in a robe, she'll go, look at me with a robe.

It's a guy's in his pocket with a lighter than the other. Who's better than you, cocksucker? No, no one is. Can I talk about those podcasts for a second? What podcasts? Watch this with Rick Ramos. This is How Big of a Nerd I Am with Jerry Rocha, Flying Jew Radio,

with John Momont with Agostino, and then yesterday, Steve Simone, Good Times with Steve Simone. He released his podcast with Ari Shaffir. So listen to that. It's all stuff we're trying to put out there for you. Put together for you motherfuckers. See, I make the team.

We know you're at work. We know you drive. We know you enjoy this shit. For some reason or another, I don't know fucking why. So, you know what, man? We're putting more out there for you. You're fucking learning something. We're fucking giggling.

You know, what the fuck, man? You're getting high. It's Monday. What do you want to do? What do you expect? You want to sit by a pool when somebody bring you margaritas and you want all the fucking Kardashians?

Then you're crying because you got fucking crabs. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck, Lee? It's Monday, cock-tucker. No one gives a fuck. Do you call Jeremy and do some jumping jacks with Uncle Jeremy? We haven't been able to connect.

I'm going to have to call him again this week. Oh, Jesus Christ. I almost tipped the fucking table over. I got kettlebells today. I'm going to go to Jiu-Jitsu tonight. I went to Jiu-Jitsu once, sadly. You know, every time I walk out of Jiu-Jitsu, I send a thing to myself.

What the fuck am I doing in my life? I'm 50 years old. But you know what? At this point, I wouldn't know how else to do it. I'm not really good at it, you know? But I like going. I don't know why. I don't know why.

Maybe I'm fucking gay. I like guys laying on me. I don't fucking know. I sweat. I don't think so. Lee, I sweat like a motherfucker when I go to that gym. Oh, good. The shirts are fucking stiff when I go home.

So I got to go to the dry cleaner because I got to fucking put elastic in my pants. I'm sick and tired of them falling off. What's your pants? My Jiu-Jitsu pants. Oh, okay. They were fucking falling. And they got rope.

But I try to tie them when you're a fat fuck the pants. I thought you were going to put elastic in your jeans. Oh, God. Let's get into the grandpa pants. Why are you saying those things to me, Lee? I call me grandpa cocksucker. Huh? What about I show you my balls

and see how much grandpa you look? Everyone's seen your balls. Everyone on Twitter. I got to put that picture back up. I'm just told to know who they're messing with. Those fucking rats are gone. Those rats that rat at me out. Those little cocksuckers.

I got some kids that keep bothering me to do his podcast. I pick you up at seven in the morning. That's what I want to do is breathe your bad breath in your fucking car at seven in the fucking morning. Oh, yeah, Lee. I love this. I love this part of the day when we smoke some dope. We reflect.

And that's it. It's like I told you, I got no fucking comedy shows. I'm working on a new material. This party starts in Boston, February, fucking 27th. Oh, shit. So I ain't going nowhere until then. So I'll be in town writing jokes, getting healthy. My wife is going to Tennessee to see her father.

Her father went in for a hard thing on Friday. It's not good. So, you know, I didn't have any grandparents. We discussed that, that you lost your grandparents at 12. Yeah, all of them by the time I was 12. So I talked to my wife and it's amazing that in another life I'd be very selfish. But when I talked to her, I said,

I think you should go because after February 27th, you're not going to be able to go after that. I'm busy till June already, so I don't see it. And you know what? You wouldn't want something to happen and for you not to go over something stupid. So once she told me Friday night, sadly, when I got up and I went online,

looked at the plane tickets and they were cheaper than fuck. So I got a plane ticket cheaper than fuck with my miles, you know? And she got a hotel. Her brother's going to meet her in Nashville with a sister-in-law and they're going to hang out and eat dinner. And they have a child also. We don't have much here. We buy ourselves, you know?

When I get home on a fucking Sunday from being on the road to your beat and I get from my wife is fucking ferocious because she's been talking to a kid for two fucking days. It's just amazing, you know? I go in the shower and she's talking to me from outside to fucking shower and I feel bad. And that's because she's alone, you know? And it's very tough for her.

Why not let her go home? Even my mother-in-law called and she said, this is very nice that you're doing this. Why don't you want to come? I said, because I can't. You know, if I go with my wife to visit her dead father who's sick, I'm in the way. I'm the third wheel.

You know what I'm saying? I'm just sitting there waving and going, yeah, I'm here and I watch the baby, whatever. And I'm going to miss them, but I rather go let them do what they're going to do. Yeah. And I'm going to stay here and I've got the cats for eight days. I'm going to write and catch up on my writing

and I'll be able to go to the Jiu-Jitsu on Sundays, which is always a good class. They do an open role and I'm going to miss them, you know? But I want her to have a relationship with her grandfather. It's important to me for her to know who her grandfather is and to love him, you know? And if he does pass, I don't want my wife to say, well, I didn't go because I didn't have time

and we didn't have the money or, you know, I wanted to go spend time with him. So that means the world to me. So that's why I'm doing it. You know, and I'm going to miss him. I don't want my fucking daughter on a fucking plane. That breaks my goddamn heart. But, you know, that's what we sacrifice living out here.

I don't want people to think that we're out here jumping up and down with fucking palm trees. You're alone, you know, you're alone. It's me and her and we have a babysitter that comes in three days a week. But besides that, you know, we have to cut corners. I really cut corners, but we have to strike, you know? Like, that's why I don't go on vacations or nothing.

Because you never fucking know. This is what we do now, you know? So, but I'm happy that, you know, we have, like I told, I said, this could have been six years ago and I didn't have no fucking points. You know, I saved my points like a Jew dog. Oh fuck, I'm Jewy with those fucking points. You think I'm kidding you?

Oh my god. But I save him Lee because I presume you save yours on JetBlue. I don't have anything, but yeah. You save him because you never know when you're going to need him. At least you've flown on there before and you have a relationship with them. You save them and you, you know, you never know when somebody's going to put, you know,

I hate how the L.I.S. treat people when somebody dies. 50% of a full flight with a fucking death certificate. Really? Really? Are you fucking crazy? It's still fucking 18,000 fucking dollars. Yeah. On a full flight, 50 fucking percent.

But if you have miles and points, you could fly. You know, if something would have happened in Jersey to one of my friends or to her family. So this is why I'm Jewy with my fucking miles, brother. No offense. You know, I love you to death. You find it if you weren't Jewy with your points. How much you got in the bank?

Did you check to see how much you had this month? This motherfucker is doing it. I check at night, I check at night because they got the updated figures from the, I have my interest coming from overseas, you know. What's with the questions? What, you got Israeli fuckers? Oh yeah, Israeli, it's a special plan they give us.

Bank of America gives us the Israeli rate. I want to thank everybody for this fucking guest. On a fucking Monday and got fired up with me and shit. Because amen, if you're not fired up on a Monday, you're weeks gonna suck fucking dick, trust me. When I'd wake up hungover on Mondays, or I wouldn't have a good Monday, the rest of your week sucks. That's why I stress Mondays is fucking you get up,

you go to bed early, you take your vitamins, you do some jumping jacks, you do some squats, get some blood in those legs, why get a scooter and be a fat fuck, fuck that shit. Get some blood in those fucking knees and get out there and fucking grab your cock and tell the world I'm gonna fuck you up the ass today, I'm getting what's mine. I'm getting what's fucking coming to me.

And that's it, that's my attitude every fucking day, but it starts on Monday. Have a great day, see you February 22nd at the Ice House. Better yet, see you fucking Wednesday, we haven't decided if it's an afternoon one, or a morning one yet, fuck it, we'll figure it out. We'll see you Wednesday, have a great day, stay black. When you go to huluplus.com slash joey,

or go to joeydeas.net and click on the huluplus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church, or go to joeydeas.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. And again, welcome to our new sponsors at escapepodtank.com.

Mention the church, mention Joey, you get $250 off. I was just looking at their website, pretty awesome, you can do it yourself. So check all that out, and bye guys. Get your light together, cock-sucker, have a good Monday. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh all I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on Sweet can't go away I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on

I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on

I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,