Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #148 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 5, 2014

Comedian Sam Tripoli calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 02/05/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshave club banner. This show is also sponsored by Naturebox where you can get great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe

corn sticks and french toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. And welcome to the family nailed it.com. They're your home for all your vaporizers. Go to Facebook. Go to their facebook.com. Nailed life.com. Nailed life.com. Nailed life.com. Nailed life.com. All your vaporizers go to the Facebook page and like them and they'll give you 25% off. From the same makers of Goomi, those Goomi's Romano, comes the best vapor pen out in the fucking market. Go out there and get it. Go to their fucking webpage. What is it? Nailedlife.com. Nailedlife.com. Oh shit motherfuckers. You thought you were going to get away with murder and stay home with snow

enough? It's cold. Go fuck yourself. You're still going to deliver the goods on a daily motherfucking basis. Like Aerosmith and 75 fucking rocks is the name of this fucking album. You know why? This is why. Oh shit. Oh shit. I don't give a fuck how you're feeling today. Put a tampon in that fucking pussy. Grab your ball. Salute the flag. Tell them I'm sorry I've been slipping and get out there cock suckers. What? Push-ups. Sit-ups. Jumping jacks. I don't care if you're fucking punch your fucking wife in the neck. Get up cock suckers. Unbelievable. I'm back. What's going on Lisa? I love this song. I'm glad. Good choice. Oh yeah. It represents

a lot of things in so many fucking different levels. Whether you're coming off battery ass or you ate some bad pussy and you're coming off battery ass. That's right. You're fucking. This is it. This is what happens. You're back bitch. Some mornings you wake up, you get some black and white granola from Nature's Box and you fucking tear it up on there. They sent me some fucking black and white granola. It's delicious. Oh nice. They sent me these rice sticks. Unfucking believable when you're watching Law and Order. And I would never say that. It's fucking Wednesday, February 5th. The world is yours cock suckers. Waiting with this asshole open. You control the Vaseline and the motherfucking big dick.

Besides that, talking about big dicks, it's a black history month. What's up Lee baby? How was your day yesterday? What's going on? I had a busy day yesterday with two podcasts and finalized the office, I think. You're a regular fucking Johnny bananas, aren't you? Cutting deals? No, it's crazy. It's just, I mean. How long is it going to take us to have internet over there? They just have to come and do an inspection, but they should be over. I can make an appointment. They charge you out the ass for business internet, but I have like the salesman's direct number now and I just call him here and do it in a day. They can't stop the flying juice. You can't stop the flying juice. They cannot stop the flying juice. New York is getting snowed on again.

I do miss snow days though. Those are fun. What the fuck, snow days? Even you can't hate on snow days. No, I can't. You wake up and there's a fucking surprise. You don't have to go nowhere. It's like a blessing from God, especially when you're a kid. When you're like 13, you wake up, you're like fuck this shit. Papa's going back to bed. Not me. I was an asshole. I'd get up and shovel the driveway and then I'd go shovel the basketball courts. You'd shovel the courts? Oh, shit. When I was 12, 13, 14, I'd shovel those fucking courts, throw some rock salt, fucking sweep it. And before it gets cold, go out there in the hoop out there a little bit. The ball would fucking freeze. It wouldn't bounce. Oh, Jesus. That's when you know it's fucking cold out. You go for a fucking

jump shot. Somebody files you, smack him in the face. You throw an hour there, fucking your thumbprint is on their cheek. That's why I like playing football in the snow. Football in the snow was fun. Sledding in the snow. I had a hill in my backyard. It was tiny, but when I was young it was cool. Yeah, it's always. I came from the second hilliest fucking city in the nation. Oh, yeah. Did you ever like block off a street? Because yours was like a ski mountain. Yeah, we did doubles. We did one and then the next one. And, you know, fucking tremendous when you were a kid in the snow is how you lose your fucking mind. Then as you get older, you're like, fuck, I gotta go shovel my car out. What the fuck? The same, the same, mother fuckers.

No, that parking in the city when you're off the street park is the worst. Like in your driveway, yeah, you're just stuck there. But you know, it kills me yesterday I was watching. I spent the day with the wife and the kid yesterday. I did some stuff. But everything was centered around them in a way, you know. And I watched the news last night. I was watching how they went after the heroin guys. It sold them heroin and all of a sudden heroin is bad and heroin is bad. And I've been saying this for fucking 30 years. You got to do something about this. But ever since the war started was we jumped heroin because the poppies in Afghanistan, they're bringing that shit back. Oh, you think so? Oh, I know. So fucking Dearborn fucking Michigan is like,

everybody's heroin to fuck out in Detroit. That's where the number one. Who do you think is it the soldiers or is it like the government or the fuck knows? But that you know, right after 9 11 heroin went dropped down in prices and it got a lot fucking strong. I know there was some there was selling $7 bags in Newark. The bags he had were $6 bags. So but you know, but it's it's hysterical how we blame everything but the problem. George called me this morning, the kid that I spoke about when I first found out that he had died, the kid that I'm like, my brother, he is my brother. He was on heroin for like seven, eight years or whatever. And I called him and said, aren't you happy? And today he called me back

this morning with talking. He goes, Hey, man, I was reading something that a couple of days before that somebody saw him in the village copy. And they asked him, they said, you look familiar. Who are you? And he goes, I'm just a junkie. And he goes that that statement fucked him up because it made him realize when he said that to himself, when you just accept being a junkie. And there was a point where I was a junkie. So, you know, there's always a, I don't want to harp on this today. There's always a way to fucking come home. Well, I didn't realize this because I just didn't know anything about it. There was an article this lady wrote on advice, who her last week was her two year sober anniversary. And apparently, Philip Seymour Hoffman was sober for like 20

something years. And then he relapsed. And I just, I, I understand, I don't understand a lot of drugs, but just the whole needle thing freaks me out. I can't imagine shooting something up. I never shot a pair of them. I did it through my nose. And the one that I asked the guy, because I was so fucked up on blow that I just, you know, I didn't care at that point. I said, what would that happen? If I would just shoot a little bit, you know, when he was telling me how the high is different, you know, and how you got to pull the fucking blood out and shoot it back in. I can't. Once you get to that point, it's like, yes, they were talking about, you know, dabs and all that stuff. Listen, I love smoking reefer. I really do. And you know what, every once in a

while, I lose my mind and I'll buy something and I'll bring it home. And I'll do, you know, and people are like, my wife is the one that tells me shit. She's like, what are you smoking in that room? What do you tell them? I'm smoking pot and she'll go, whatever he's smoking smells really weird. And I'll think about hash that somebody gives me. And this isn't hash. This is bubble hash. This is made with some, you know, this ain't the shit that I was used to getting when I was in New York and I was getting out of hash from fucking all those dark countries that they smuggle hash, Egyptian hash and Israeli had whatever the fuck they had, you know? And it's so weird that, yeah, we have pot stores out here and it's great to have a medical marijuana place,

but they're also making a lot of this stuff. They said these dabs and all that shit is made with butane. So it hurts your lungs. And my philosophy is, listen, once you got a smoked pot with a blowtorch, it's time to fucking quit. You know, like, that's it. This is what this is. You know, I remember being a fucking kid and snorting cocaine and being 1982 when I robbed something, I had a ton of money. And me and a bunch of buddies went to this fucking white dude's house who had a robon, you know, and he had some chicks over there and he had a neighbor over there. And we bought, like, in those days it was $60 for a little vial of blow. We must have had a ton of them. Well, I don't mean like two of my buddies. And we went over there and we took a vial out and

we went to do a fucking bump and everybody went to fucking nuts in the room. Was I talking about this to you? No. Everyone went nuts in the room. Like, don't put that away. We don't do it like that. We smoke it here. It's a high and all this shit. And also this guy took a kid out. And, you know, you have to take the coke and put in a thing and put baking soda on it and then shake it around and then drain it through a sock, a silk sock. It has to be a silk sock and they have to wait for it to dry. Then we'd all put it in a pipe and smoke it. And it was like all this drama to be cool. This is it. This is it. There's always that one, but no, no, no, no, no. We don't do it that way. We do it this way. It's like now they roll joints with a filter on it. What's

fucking filter? It's a match book cover. You rip it in half and roll up to be fucking cool. But everybody's always got to be fucking cool. That's why I don't want my kid being cool. Because being cool, you're fucking stupid. Right away. Yeah, well, I have this. You know, listen, man, one, the day somebody told me in one of those weed stores, they gave me the thing and you got to fucking burn. I don't need that shit. I don't want that shit around me. You understand me? There's a point where you're like, enough. What are you going to do next? What are you going to fucking do next? Every time I go to a weed store, they have a new fucking edible, you know, and like that's smaller and smaller and smaller. The one place,

the vine morners, before they moved, they had a pill. They had a vitaminy pill that you just popped. And that's it. No fucking candy bars, no cookies, just a vitaminy pill. That'd be great. Bump you, five of them for 25 bucks. Two of them, your fucking is gone, gone on a plane one time. I wanted to jump off the plane. But my point being is that we just don't leave well enough alone. We always want to be cool than the next fucking guy, especially when it comes to fucking drugs. Every time I see those fucking rolling papers, and somebody puts a filter on the end, I want to smack them in the fucking mouth and the joint burns fucking crooked because you're worried about some stupid matchbook filter because you want to be fucking cool. I don't want to be

cool. I just want to get fucking stoned. I was always my bottom line since I was 13. I want the quickest, fastest way to get fucking stoned. I'm not here to make shows for people. I hate that shit. Well, no, we don't. Hold on, let me roll. Listen, nobody rolls better than me. I don't know if you know that. Nobody rolls better than me. Nobody. Ari's got a video of me rolling the fucking joint. Nobody could roll a fucking number like me. It'll burn all the way through. You see these numbers? They're fucking perfect. They take me two minutes to fucking roll when I get any in the morning. Yeah, look at this. Roads. They all burn perfectly. They all burn fucking perfectly. I know how to roll a fucking number. Get the fuck out of here with all your

stupidity with the rolling machine. Roll the fucking number. That's why the whole karma thing. You take the paper. You fucking cut it. You break it up. You look at the weed. You take the seeds out. Well, there's no more seeds. There's no more. You take the stems out. It's all this karma thing. That's the whole patois of it. Putting it in a bong. Cleaning the bong. Putting water in there. Ice cubes. Whatever the fuck you put in your bong. You missed that little bong with the ice cubes. Yeah, I've never seen you smoke a blunt, you know a blunt guy? Again, I need to put an ounce of weed in the cigar and fucking get high. Really? Really? I understand. I get it, but this gets me just as fucking right. Two hits of this

and I'm fucking seeing stuff. I got to put 35 hours worth of weed into a cigar to be fucking cool. What was the last thing we took? Two hits of a joint. This morning, cocksucker. I've never had to try to be cool. I never liked that aspect of like people trying to be fucking cool. Yeah. Like over cool. Like look at me. I'm fucking cool. I got my hat with the feather. You know, I'm cool. It's like I said, you know, I go to that park, Bainbridge Park, and the moms in there, you know, they roll up their sleeves, they dress in proportions so you can see that tattoo on their calf. God forbid somebody doesn't see that you're cool. God forbid in this society, somebody doesn't fucking think that you're cool because a fuck, the fuck you think

if I'm cool. Yeah. Fucking idiots. We're impressed with such stupidity. Speaking of which, the other day we had a little thing because we write on Mondays, me and Diego Sino, we try to get together. Mondays and right. And Steve Simone came by. When I lived in Colorado, you know, Colorado opened up my eyes to a lot of different fucking things. One thing that everybody does in Colorado, especially the red necks is to listen to Paul Harvey. You know, they haven't been bossed in on stuff. Yeah, I didn't realize he was all over the country. All over the fucking country. And Paul Harvey is this radio guy that's been around since Jesus left Chicago. And the other day, Steve Simone turned me on to this. He said, listen

to this speech Paul Harvey made 50 years ago. Listen, fuck Nostradamus. Fuck Nostradamus. That was kind of like an educated guess. Listen to Paul Harvey's thing. Now my views on this are, I don't know what my views are on this. I just know that he's on the fucking money. You know, he plays it out as if he was the devil. How would he take over the world? Okay, what things would he do? What steps would he be doing? He says he'd take from the biggest apple on the tree, which is the United States. Play it, Uncle Lee. If I were the devil, if I were the devil, if I were the prince of darkness, I'd want to engulf the whole world in darkness.

And I'd have a third of its real estate and four fifths of its population, but I wouldn't be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree. The. So I'd set about however necessary to take over the United States. I'd subvert the churches first. I'd begin with a campaign of whispers. 1965. And I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve. Do as you please. To the young, I would whisper that the Bible is a myth. I would convince them that man created God instead of the other way around. I would confide that what's bad is good and what's good is square. And the old I would teach to pray after me, our father, which art in Washington. And then I'd get organized. I'd educate authors in how to make lurid literature exciting so that

anything else would appear dull and uninteresting. I'd threaten TV with dirtier movies and vice versa. I'd peddle narcotics to whom I could. I'd sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction. I'd tranquilize the rest with pills. If I were the devil, I'd soon have families at war with themselves, churches at war with themselves, and nations at war with themselves until each in its turn was consumed. And with promises of higher ratings, I'd have mesmerizing media fanning the flames. The Kardashians. If I were the devil, I would encourage schools to refine young intellects, but neglect to discipline emotions. Just let those run wild. Until before you knew it, you'd have to have drugs, nipping dogs, and metal detectors at every schoolhouse door.

Within a decade, I'd have prisons overflowing. I'd have judges promoting pornography. Soon I could evict God from the courthouse, then from the schoolhouse, and then from the houses of Congress. And in his own churches, I would substitute psychology for religion and deify science. I would lure priests and pastors into misusing boys and girls and church money. If I were the devil, I'd make the symbol of Easter and egg and the symbol of Christmas a bottle. If I were the devil, I'd take from those who have and give to those who wanted until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious. And what'll you bet? I couldn't get whole states to promote gambling as the way to get rich. I would caution against extremes in hard work, in patriotism, in moral conduct.

I would convince the young that marriage is old fashioned, that swinging is more fun, that what you see on TV is the way to be. And thus I could undress you in public, and I could lure you into bed with diseases for which there is no cure. Oh, shit! Dave! In other words, if I were the devil, I'd just keep right on doing what he's doing. Paul Harvey. Good day. What do you think of that, Doug? It's pretty crazy. You're an atheist, correct? Yesterday you watched the thing with the science guy and the other guy. I saw it. I didn't even turn it on because it doesn't even fucking apply to me. You know, I'm not an atheist. I believe there's something out there. I don't think it's a guy

who carried a cross and who, you know, I have a lot of different beliefs. I have a different belief, but if you've seen what I've seen and lived what I've lived, you know there's something out there. Yeah, it wasn't yesterday. I don't think Bill Nye was trying to say that there isn't a God. It's just that the other guy was trying to say that God can't explain science, which, like, for listening to that, there's some of it I don't agree with. There's some of it that I think he takes church too seriously. I don't think the downfall of religion is the downfall of this country. No, no, no. Some of it I agree with. You know what I think he's calling church character? There's one speech towards the end where he talks about moral and he talks about what's

going on and that's what we have going on today. Yeah, yeah. That's what I, you know, when I get up in the morning and say, I'm not fucking around with you people. I do not fuck around with you people that, you know, we've forgotten what the flag is. We really have forgotten what the fucking flag is and I've got families and I've done a lot of bad things, but I never forgot what the fucking flag was and that's when my respect comes from. I know I'm a guest. I'm a fucking guest. I'm an immigrant, so I have to be better than Indians. Do you understand me? I have to be better than the fucking Indians. You gotta, you know, they use the bow and arrow, you gotta use your fucking hands. So I just like the, me, my big problem with society is the

character issue of it. Yeah. You know, last week I did the whatever show and they had a thing of extra young kids and I watched how these kids came dressed, you know, and everything. It doesn't seem like they even want to dress like themselves. They want to dress like everybody else. To this day, I'm fucking 50 and I dress on myself. I don't give a fuck about money or how you expected me. I dress with sneakers, a pair of jeans and a white fucking t-shirt. Yeah. I'm an American. I don't have to have an air towards me. It's interesting you say that because Paula brought me to like a law school thing the other little, last week and in LA, you never see suits. Everyone there was dressed like they were going

to like a black tie inauguration. I've never seen it before and I felt like I wore like black pants and said I wore a sweater and I was like, I was like kind of out of place, but like everyone was there. It felt really weird being there. There's no personal image no more. Everything is a society image. I gotta have a tattoo with my sleeve rolled up. I gotta have long hair with a hat on backwards or sideways. I have to have my pants fucking sagging, whatever the fuck they call it. I can't just have wranglers and leaves no more. It's gotta be a hundred and fifty dollar pair of jeans are the ugliest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. Those jeans they put that look like you've been using them for seven days in a row. So you're going to buy

hundred and fifty dollar pants to make you look like a fucking sloots. Yeah. That, you know, when you go to the UFC's, you look around and there's not a little bit of originality. Everybody's bald with a tattoo with a goatee with a, with a, with an infinity shirt or whatever the fuck you call it, MMA shirt or Ireland. It's like, that's it. You know, this is to show, to show what, to show that you become a fucking sheep, to show that you have no creativity at all. That's the things that piss me off. That's what I don't give a fuck what you do. I don't do a fuck if you sell heroin to fucking Phillip, see more night hyphens in the fucking grave. I don't care if you dig it up and put it in his fucking hand. You're trying to make a living. What I care about is your

behavior towards society, towards us and towards yourself. That's what fucking pisses me to fuck off right from the jump right there. And they make you feel bad if you don't do it. Cause like, as it like, I'm a big guy. So I've never really been able to dress like Abercrombie and French and all that stuff like that. And it just makes, they like, they try to make you feel bad about it. And sometimes I'm like, Oh, it'd be cool if I could, like it looks like the guys have like stylists and I'm just, I don't think I even, it doesn't look comfortable. Like they make you, but they make like, sometimes I'll feel bad about it. Like not dressed like that. I've always hated looking the part. Yeah. When I first got into comedy,

the guy I taught the course would wear a suit with sneakers on. And every time I went and I saw the sneakers, I wanted to smack them. Cause that was the universal language if you were a comedian. Oh really? You know, I have sneakers on with a suit. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, I'm like, yeah, look at me. You know, boy, I'm a bad boy. I hate that fucking expression. I'm a bad boy. Okay. Whatever. You know, Justin Bieber's a bad boy. Oh, you know, where'd you come up with that fucking, you know, Justin Bieber's a faggot because his parents didn't fucking smoke when he was in the womb. That's why that's why half these little motherfuckers are getting bullied because their mothers didn't take of a fucking drag

of a Marlboro red and puff it into the fucking womb. These kids come out half fucking fagged up already, you know, with feelings and all this shit. The fuck is wrong with you little fucking cock suckers. But that's, these are the things that burn me up. And it's little things that have taken society off the fucking map. It's little things to me. You know, it's like when I tell people, listen, do me a favor, dog. That's just this to me, there's a difference between stupidity, a college degree and common sense. I see no more common sense. I see things that I sit there and I go, what the fuck did I just see? What the fuck did I just see? You know, I love kids. My job, I would love to take kids and work with them just to show them the inner beauty

of being yourself, the inner beauty of being yourself, whatever happened to just being yourself. I'm not a good looking guy. You know, I was either been too skinny or too fucking fat, whatever. But guess what, Lee? I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. That's my main, that's my mental fucking thing when I walk into a room. I really don't give a fuck what you're thinking or what you're not thinking. This is what you are going to fucking think if you're in doubt, you know. And I think about like my mom. I think about me being a parent now and how my mom treated me. My mom made a lot of fucking mistakes with me. But one thing she instilled in me as a human being was my balls and to have my own fucking what I want to fucking do,

which I think is the most important thing she gave me. That's why I was able to handle the things I handled when I handled them at that age. I look at 15-year-old kids all the time and I look at them and I go, if they found their mom on the fucking floor today and they had nobody to live with, what the fuck would they do? Would you have a nervous fucking breakdown? You know, I have that shit. I've never said this to nobody. I have that PTSD. You do know that. From that, I didn't go to fucking war. I didn't get hit in the head. I had it from the shock. I went into as a child. You know, I was telling you that I have an idea for a show about like the family that DeNiro talks to people and during the conversation, if just something goes wrong,

he looks at them and he imagines himself killing this person. You know, I get the worst fucking thoughts ever sometimes. I get the worst thoughts about people sometimes. I get the worst thoughts about my life sometimes before I go to bed. You know, when I went to see the psychotherapist for my anxiety and for feinting when I was having a hard time breathing, she said that I should have an imaginary waste basket next to me and throw those thoughts out. But sometimes it's too much. Those thoughts fucking overcome me sometimes. And I think about what it's from. And it's from those three deaths when I was younger. It's from, you know, seeing one, shoot somebody, a fucking eight. You know, I was walking to Sopranos yesterday. We were home and Sopranos is on every

day at five. And there was one scene where Metta, the daughter, goes to talk to a psychiatrist because she wants to go to Barcelona or Europe for a summer or a semester. And they were very mad at the parents. Tony Sopranos, his wife, so they sent her. And while she's there, at one point she says, the psychiatrist is going to ask you what your father did. You said waste management, wink, wink. And I looked at Terry after when I go, you see what she did right there? My mom would have killed me for that. When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to talk about what was in my house with nobody on the street. I remember being on street corners when I was 10. And kids would be talking about drugs. And I would want to tell them that they didn't have a fucking idea what

they were talking about. But I couldn't. Because then they would know, like when I seen Juan shoot that Niko guy on 148th Street, I never told that to nobody. I think Rogan was the first person I told that to about eight years ago on a plane. I never said it. I never repeated it to nobody. Never repeated it in my house. I repeated it to Juan in 2006 when we were having lunch, like six months before he died. And he told me he didn't know what I was talking about. That's how secretive I came from a house like that. Like you didn't repeat what happened in your house. Somebody came to me about two years ago and said, you know, all the time I know you've never made a derogatory remark about your wife at the time she was my girlfriend. You know, most

guys would say, I'm going to go fuck my girlfriend. I'm going to go fuck somebody in here. I don't talk about that shit with my house with too many people. There's people that didn't even know Terry existed. Really? Yeah. For years, people were like, you know, and it's not that you keep your shit personal. I was raised with the three monkeys, you know, see no evil, hear no evil, talk no evil. My mother told me whatever happened in the fucking house, nobody needed to know. And I stuck to it. You know, there's just so many fucking things and all that shit affects me. But I definitely get bad thoughts sometimes. I get horrific fucking thoughts. And that's why I left Colorado, because I was getting thoughts of fucking killing my ex-wife and her husband and stabbing them and

slicing their fucking throat and sitting them down and taking his cock out and putting in her mouth and chopping it off. Normal people don't think this way, you know, but you know, whatever, whatever, I get angry sometimes and my mind runs away with me. And that's why I don't want to ever have a gun in my fucking car. That's why I don't want to bat my fucking car, because that's the first impulse that'll come. But I definitely have that PTSD. I even looked it up and read it and the shit. I definitely get fucking shit going on in my head. I get bad thoughts sometimes, even in my family. You know, I get bad thoughts because I know how fast your life could change. I know how fast your life could change. I know that I could go to sleep right now and start pissing

and have a stroke in your bathroom and die. You go to say, where's Joey? I'm on the fucking floor. And it fucks you the rest of your life. It will fuck with you because that's how fucking fast life changes. You know, you don't even think that. When you see people usually, you don't even think about going, hey, I'll see you tomorrow. And all of a sudden, boom, they're gone. You know, they got hit in the car on the way home or they got drunk or they did blow the night before. They got shot in a bar accident. So I know I have it. You know, and it's fucking horrible. It's fucking horrible. I don't have it all the time. But I have fucking horrible thoughts sometimes of people or things of different situations. And I get fired up in my head. That's why I always got to be busy.

Yeah. That's why I always have to be busy because I'll think of a situation and it'll just eat away at me, you know, and just eat away at me for a couple of days. And then, and I heard Rogan one time saying that he gets mad at people and he'll get mad for years at people, you know, just in this, in this, uh, in this conscious, it's like this conscious on stream. And then I let it go one day. One day I just go, what was I mad about? I let it go. But for a long time, I'll have that stream of conscious going, you know, so it's just I know I have some type of fucking problem. I don't know if it's PTSD. I don't even know what that's what you call it. Have you thought about going to the therapist more? Well, I haven't been

to the ladies since I went off to whatever, because I haven't had that bad of anxiety. I get mild anxiety, which I got mild anxiety every fucking day of my life. You know, it's so weird. Like sometimes I get in my car and I think I have to get back home. I'm like, why? It's 10 in the morning. I have nothing the rest of the day. Why is this rush? Yeah. In my head, what is this rush to want to go home? You know, as soon as I go to Hollywood, I got to go home. As soon as I hit Hollywood, I got to go home. I got to fucking go home. You know, when I go on it, man, I got to go home. You know, when I finish my set, when I do my business, I go home, you know. So it's just really funny the things you find out about yourself that last night I really came

to a conclusion. I lay down, I was talking, I was right until about 1030, my uncle called, and I talked to him. He said, hilarious. I go, what are you doing? Because I'm sitting here and watching the Russians beat up on the faggots. I go, what the fuck are you watching? You know, just like that. And he went off about faggots in Russia and fucking this. Yeah, that's kind of crazy. And then we talked about something else about Cuba and he was talking about my sister. And I went to bed and I thought about something that was fucking horrible. And I'm like, this is fucking official. I got to go see a fucking doctor. I got to take medication. I got to go to the helmet. I got to go do something, get a fucking tank. Do you ever get like negative

thoughts? Like, I went downstairs, I had to go to my car this weekend when Paul was up in the house. And on the walk back from my car up here, I was convinced that she was going to have left a note and left. And the time I left, I went to the car. Like, I don't know. I don't know. Everything's going great. But from the walk back from my car, I was, I had this whole thing that I was convinced that she had left. Because I went to go get breakfast. That's what I did. I went to go get breakfast. I was convinced she had packed up and jumped on the bus and left. There was going to be a note on my bed. And of course, it wasn't she was here, but sometimes that'll just happen to me. I'll get really negative. And it just, it was a weird few minutes for me.

Don't get negative thoughts. Fucking every day. When I wake up in the morning, I get negative thoughts. And that's why I post the stupidity I do, because that's what I'm feeling. For me to catch my negative thought, I have to feel that. Yeah, I have to feel that. And sometimes, so I get up in the morning, I go pee, I shut the air off, I shut the fan off. I pet the cats, I give them all love. I brush my teeth, I pee, I go in the kitchen, I clean the little boxes, I took the coffee out. But when I hit the button for the fucking coffee, I'm thinking every bad thought in the fucking world. Why am I going out? They're going to hate me. Why am I going to do this? I'm going to fail. What the fuck was I thinking? I think of all these things. I get my coffee.

I pet the cats, I tell them I love them, whatever winch ones come out, I feed them, I give them a little cat food in the morning to get them going. I go in the room, I open up the computer, I open up my notebook, I write my thoughts of the day. And then I get on Twitter and on Facebook and I check my emails and all that stuff. That whole time, when I get in the notebook, I think that's when I stop getting, start getting optimistic in a way. We're going to cook. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's my favorite Armenian, Sammy Trips. Joe E.T. as my god. I've never done morning podcasting before. Thank you. Thank you for getting up. Thank you for doing me the solid. You know, I love you.

For a year, people have been asking me, when are you going to have Sam Tripoli on? And every time I see you, I want to tell you something, but there's 15 fucking people in the room. I love you, dude. I'm so happy for you and everything that's been going on with you. It's amazing to watch and I couldn't have to a better person. No, Trips, I'm proud of you too, man. You're making some strides. And when I met you, you were a young fucking goofy-eyed kid. It's amazing. You were young. You had big eyes and you were fucking excited and you always on your tippy toes. Are you still have fucking hope? Well, you wouldn't be getting up at 6.45 in the fucking morning. Trust me, my brother.

Yeah. Do you do this every morning? I mean, do you do this? Is this what you do your podcasts all the time? I do them Mondays and Wednesdays at this time. And we were just talking about that. That's all you do. That's the eye of the tiger right there. Well, no, Lee and I were just talking about if I ever got negative thoughts, because Lee was saying he gets negative thoughts. Sometimes I go, you know, when I wake up in the morning trips, my first eight minutes is just a negativity walk. They're going to hate me. They fucking suck this audition. I'm not going to get it. You know, I'm going to move back to Jersey and sell drugs. And then after, by the time I make

my coffee, I brush my teeth, I roll the first fucking joint. That's when I start saying maybe there's a little bit of hope in my life. And by the time I get on Twitter, I'm like, what the fuck was I talking about? You know, wash your pussy till it's your lucky fucking day. And that's the question that did. Yeah, no. So how did Minneapolis go? Talk to me. Minneapolis was phenomenal. You know, it's like, you know, the Thursdays, they were fun. The weekends are great, dude. You know, it's like, I did that, that club like a year ago, and like all the shows are packed. But then I, you know, you're flying through an ice storm, you know, people don't want to go out. I mean, the snow was so high when I went and did a

Tom Pinar show. I was like, how do people live in this shit? So, but the weekends were great. You know, I loved it, dude. It was a great weekend there. They had you, they had, uh, who didn't have great before you. Gregford Simmons. Yeah, we had a great That's What Month update. It was That's What Month. Yeah, I do. It's fun. I got this new album coming out. It should be out within like two weeks. My second comedy album. So I've been working on this new shit, you know, and that's always got, you know, when you got your shit locked in, you go up there and you're just fucking shooting fire. And, you know, you're so confident in the new stuff. You start getting those Bambi legs. You don't know if it's good or not. And so

it ended up being pretty good. By the end of the week, all the stuff was clicking. It was back to, you know, super crush. That's a lot of fun, dude. I would love to see you on the road, man. I don't get to see you on the road work. I never really ever got the chance to sit down and watch like really great guys work a room when, you know, when I started stand up, you know, I got picked up at the store, you know, I was thrown right into the fire. I found like guys like you and broke it all the time, you know, and I had to learn to survive. But I only got to watch that in the OR, which is it is it's own thing. I never really got to go on the road. I can't have that opener or a feature and watch people work. And I, you know, I kind of missed

that. I would love to see like how you work in Minnesota. I know how you were to be ice out in this pure fire. I love to see how it works in Minnesota just to see if the game's a little different, how you deal with certain situations. I would love to have watched all that. I never got that. It's really weird that you say that because four years ago, five years ago, I was getting a lot of doubts about comedy. And it was, uh, I started going through the Irvine improv Thursday nights. I forced myself to get in the car. If you offered me a gig, I'd say no. And I went to see every top headliner who I thought was tops from Ralphie May to Greg Gerardo to Charlie Murphy to the guy with the puppets. And he was my favorite. Yeah, he was my favorite to be like,

because you know, I'm an asshole. And, uh, and it was very effective. No, I really appreciate what you said because that taught me a lot. So when you have a doubt, just circle the Irvine improv, what guys you want to go see that just want to sit as a fucking, you don't want to guess that you don't want to be involved. You don't even want nobody to know you're there. I would just sit in the back, get a civilian civilian and just see what the fuck the other guys doing. Bill Burr is always good to watch for an hour. You know, to watch Bill Burr on the road is an education Jim Norton on the road. And you know what you, you know what you come up with? I'm going to tell you what answer you're going to come up with. First of all,

you're going to come up with the answer that you ain't so fucking bad after all. Yeah. That's what happened to me. I said, you know what, man, for years I thought I sucked. I'm not that bad. I got a little hope. And I'm not taking. You never suck. You were always, I always loved you from the start. And I've had, as a comedy store, I've had two bad sets. I've had a lot of bad sets, but I've had two bad sets where I'm like, what am I doing in this gig? And what was following you? And what was following Lisa Lampinelli? Where you guys just went there. Swing, throw the rope, dude. Just fire, dude. And I went up there and I remember that. Just having these jokes that I thought could follow anybody and just throwing them into

this crowd. And like, it's like when you, when, you know, you see the movies where they throw like a rock on a well and it never hits the side and it just, you never hear it hit the bottom. It just, I would just throw it. He's joked up there. And I remember getting off stage, go to the center of my cardboard. What is going on? It was just like, really, dude, following you is an education, boss. There's that, you know, you're, you're about to learn something. But following Dama Rara for me was the same thing. Following Dama Rara for me when I was first got to the store was the scariest. I remember driving to the comedy store on Sunset, asking myself why I was going down there. Why would I want him? And what was the black guy

with the dreads? And I've told the story a thousand times. What is that guy, man? The black guy with the dreads in the fucking late nineties at the store. He made a movie about a black James Bond that he produced with his girlfriend at the time. I forget that fucking time. I don't even talk about the checkbook. He had two initials and something else, TR or something. He's still around. Somebody told me he's still around. He's still a great guy. And it's just amazing the education we got from following people. It's like going to jujitsu. You're going to get beat up every fucking time, like your ex roommate, like your fucking roommate. That guy was, yeah, look at Scott Ross, he looks like a black belt. Yeah. He's a brown belt now. And he does fucking privates for Eddie.

I was watching a tape on YouTube and I'm like, that guy looks familiar. That's fucking Scott. He's a brown belt. Scott Ross. Ross teaching people. That guy was a nerd fucking eight years ago with little glasses. He was a sweetheart. I loved him with all my heart. We'd sit behind the store and talk about everything. And now, so what do you think? Do you think he didn't get his ass kicked for fucking three years at Eddie's? Oh, yeah, dude. When I would go to Eddie's, I would struggle with the moves because they were just so complex. And I would name the moves after the year that I thought I could actually do that. And, but he would just fight through it, fight through it. He come back from when we went together with like half broken legs, half broken arms, you know,

just torn up, but he fought through it. And now he's like, he's like an assistant professor at a college in Los Angeles. And he's got his brown belt, almost about to give his black belt from Eddie Bravo and just sticking with it, you know what I'm saying? And that's all we did, triply. That's all we did. How many people trips were here with you in the beginning and then not around no more? How many trips? I was talking to Matt Fultron about that the other day. It's just like the war of a church and just sticking the pocket. Joe, I had to follow you one time at a Joe Rogan show in San Jose. And again, like I take pride that I can, I can follow it. Matt, following you at a Joe Rogan show is like, it's like middling for Van Halen.

But the opening act is David Lee Roth. That's how crazy you get people going. And you did like 10 minutes or 15 minutes of the most well-written ass eating material I'd ever heard of my life. I'm like, what do I got to follow that? I mean, you touched on everything I'd pretty much think you need to talk about on ass eating. And it was just flame throwing. And I remember the first one was really rough on me, really rough. And then the second one, I don't know, I clicked in and it was fine. But man, that was another education, dude. You were just, this is all, listen, if you stop learning every day, if you fucking live your life and you think you stop learning, you start, you stop living. Every day I like getting beat up.

I like learning something new every, you know what I'm doing tonight? Tripoli. What do you do? I'm going to a five week voiceover class starting tonight from seven to 10. Who does that? Who does that? Who does that type of stupid shit? But I just got a voiceover agent for the first time in 14 years. I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing. So why not from seven to 10? I don't know, cost 50, 60 bucks for the fucking five weeks, six weeks. What do you got to learn something? You know, I went on four or five auditions and nothing happened. Not even a callback. I went for three commercials for voiceovers and two movies

and nothing happened. So I got to adjust to this shit. I might as well fucking learn what the fuck I'm doing. And this is all LA is, you know, when I got the fucking De Niro movie, same thing. I went and got an acting coach and worked with him for fucking three days. It cost me some money, but you got to be prepared. And for years, I did blow and I wasn't prepared. And I still made little strides. I still made little, little strides. Could you imagine if I was focused and wasn't doing blow and wasn't drinking and was minding my P's and Q's, I'd be a fucking killer from Manila. But you're living your fucking learn. You live in your learn. And that's what makes you strong. If you don't fail, you're never going to get fucking stronger. I'm never going

to get fucking stronger. I agree, man. I completely agree that getting out of your way and learn. I think about going to learning to direct, man. They got that LA film school near my house. I was thinking about directing, man, because I would hire people to direct my videos. And it's never exactly the way I want it. I'm thinking about just going and directing my shit, you know, just doing it on my own. This is where our comic insecurity comes in. I'm going to fill you in on something. One of the best things that happened to me was one night I was high, stumbling to a television set. And I seen Roseanne on that fucking interview that's been married eight times. What's the old guy? Alan King Live. Yeah, Larry King. Larry King Live.

And he was grilling. He was grilling her about the Cosby show. He was grilling her about her show, how she threw the ABC employees out of the Christmas party. She goes, I threw them out of the Christmas party and she wouldn't let them on the set the second year of the show. And she looked at Larry King and she goes, before I became an actress or anything, I was a fucking stand-up comedian. And let me tell you something about stand-up comedians. They do it all. We do it all. We direct. We produce. We market. We write. We know where the microphone stand is. We know more than what you like. You might think, wow, he's a director. What the fuck does he know? He did two student films and he watched the fucking Pulp Fiction. Now he calls

himself a fucking director. If you watch movies today, I was talking to somebody there about the Godfather. When Vito called, he only dies out in the patch with his grandson. They don't show his body on the floor. They show the vine patch, the fruit, and they show the thing blowing in the wind like the spirit is taking him away. That gives your creativity that mind. Directors don't do that today. They think an explosion is what directing is or it's, we have so much going for ourselves as stand-ups that we don't even fucking know it. Yeah, it's so interesting that comedy stand-up comedy is a thing where like the people who tell us what is funny is really people who've never even done it. I mean, you never see that anywhere else, like in particular sports. You

never, very rarely do you see someone who's a coach or a GM who didn't play the game at a very high level. But in comedy, it's like you get instructions from people who couldn't even do five minutes on stage. It's such an interesting thing. Louis Anderson talked about that, like how comedy had changed from back in the day when it was like the comics told the industry, well, it's funny and they picked from that. And then at some point the industry decided to start telling the comedians what's funny. But the glory is of the internet and you're a great example of someone who just like with the internet, you've been able to find a crowd who just is like passionate about what you do. And like 10 years ago, does that happen this way? Or do you got to hope that

you can get that right audition and you get in front of that right camera and then you catch fire Johnny Carson, who was one of the best like you and put you on the show. But now the internet, man, it's like either you're funny or you're not funny and the crowd likes you. And then that's the beauty of it. You have to do it on your own. And you know, who knows what success you have. Some people have a lot of it, some people have a little bit, but if you do what you love, that's the biggest thing for me is like, I really love doing what I'm doing. Whatever degree it may go to. I who knows, you know, it is what it is. But man, I really enjoy doing like my punch drunk sports with Ari and Jason Thiebaud and my naughty show that I do on Playboy radio. Like I really

enjoy doing those things. I'm very passionate about it. You couldn't do those like five years ago. No, you could like everything was we were at the mercy of them. Now they're at the mercy of us. We controlled our own destiny. You know, there's nothing. Listen, man, I guarantee you had an idea for a TV show five years ago. Maybe you got a deal, NBC didn't like it, and they closed the door on you. You know what? That doesn't happen today. Today we get together and go, listen, Sam, that idea you got, we can't do a half hour show with three cameras. We could do a 10 minute show, one camera. We'll have these 15 minute shows on like adult swim. Yeah. Why not? Why not? Why not? And wait till they get the, wait till the smart TV start happening. Then you're just going to be

watching their internet on it. But man, it's like, what a fun thing when I see like, I go to Minnesota and I see you as like a guy. We used to just do the OR together and I just, you know, your special presentation. It's like so fun to watch like you and Rogan and Red Band. It's like, it's so crazy. I was doing an interview the other day and they asked me like, who are my favorite comments today? And I started thinking and it's like, it really is a blessing that like my favorite comics are all personal friends of mine. Like it's really crazy. Like to watch you and to watch Rogan, who I used to like have to follow all the time in the OR back when he was doing like an hour and 15, hour and 20 in the OR. I had to go up there cold. The OR always was this amazing dojo

because, you know, there was no host. You know, you would so just flame through the room. They brought you up. You had to follow that dude. And you had to learn how to deal with that. And I would have to follow you and I'd follow Rogan, dude, like hour 20. And I'd have to, I had 15 minutes, not only like, get them the laptop and keep them there and all that stuff. And then I go and then I'm doing like the San Jose improv, which has a billion seats in it. And I'm working with you guys. It's like such a crazy thing to see in this death squad thing. It's like, you never, this could have happened five years ago. Who knows what's going to be in five years? No, it's going to be, and just to not take you off course, I got to tell you something that's

really special. About a year ago, I was talking to Ari and I go, why would you do that? And he goes, I went down to the naughty show. And I go, how was it? And he goes, packed. And I said to him, how is Tripoli? And he goes, you know, man, it's a pleasure to watch Tripoli because when he's around those porn chicks and all that shit, that's his fucking world. That's where you see Tripoli shine. And I was laughing because it's true. You know, there's, there's some parts of this at like, look, we hate dealing with agents. We hate all. If it was up to me, Tripoli, I swear to God, I'm telling you this from the honesty, I would just want to do comedy just for the sake of doing that this point. There was no money involved. I'm going to have to talk to agents no more. Sometimes I just

want to go back to that where we all meet on Monday nights at a gay bar and we each do 10 minutes and the goal is to each outdo each other with our material. Like, how much did you write last week? That's what we did as an open miker. When I lived in Seattle and I became friends with Josh Wolf and Brody Stevens and Mark Madison and all these fucking guys, Tana Manu and Aisha Taylor, it was Mondays that cut it for you in those days. You all had a day job. You all fucking robbed and you eat pussy and you did what you did. But on Mondays, it's either, and I remember Houston, Texas had an open mic where the headliners would stay for Monday. You didn't go home on Sunday. You stayed because the open mic was 200 deep and you had to outdo each other.

That is crazy. I remember when I first got picked up at the comedy store and like, I was like, I loved watching Paul Mooney do stand-up because it was always an education, you know? Like, to this day, to this day, I still remember, he's taught me so much Paul Mooney. One of them was watching him flaying through a room of two people. And this is a guy who's like, like, Richard Potter special. Like, when Richard walked off stage, like, his name would be the only name that comes up on the screen. And no other name comes up until his name is gone. And this guy's flamethrowing two people sitting in the front row. I always learned that didn't matter how small the crowd is. And sometimes they could be small. You have to go out there and just

let set it on fire. But I remember when I first got picked up at the store, I remember him talk to all the young guys, like, you know, you want to hear something, you know, it's the best time of your comedy career. It's right now. When you're young, you're just running around, you're not doing stand-up for money. You're doing stand-up because you're hanging out with your buddies, you're chasing tail, banging chicks, and just you want to tell jokes because you love stand-up comedy. Once you start making money, the game changes. But when you're young, you're fun, you're running with your boys. That's when comedy is the best. Oh, Monday nights when I show up and I'm like tripping, how much money you got? $11. I got nine. We could get three drinks and we could

probably talk the bartender to give us a half gram till next Monday. Wait, wait, wait, till we go up on stage. We got to wait till we go up on stage, then we'll fucking drink and get just all that camaraderie for no money where everybody were all equals. Dude, I used to love to do stand-up. So I still love stand-up. I used to drive from when I lived in Las Vegas, I drove from Las Vegas to Hollywood to do a three minute open mic at the Laf Factory where I'd have to show up literally at four in the morning, wait all day until like three or four in the afternoon to sign up so no one took my spot. So I could do this open mic day at the time was completely packed. This was before Dublin's and the Laf Factory open mic was phenomenal.

Eight or seven, seven to eight or something it was, eight to nine and he would sit there and tell you what you would do buddy, you don't belong here buddy. Yeah, give you this crazy advice, but he was always really complimentary to me. So it was like he would fuel my fire man and it was yeah, it was a lot. Trips, what was the, what was the contest? Let me tell you guys some stories. What was the contest in Redondo Beach on Thursday nights 12, 13 years ago? Remember there was a bar right around the corner from the Comedy Magic Club down the pier. You had to walk all the way on the pier on the left hand side and on Thursday nights, first place was 100, second place was 50 and third place was a pizza. Let me tell you something

Trips, I used to go down there with enough gas in my car to get me there and no money to get back. Did you, how many times you win that thing? I won it probably two times and I took a second one time. You know who won it? I never won, I never, I don't even remember, I never made a TV show out there, that's about it. Pablo Francisco won that time. Oh my god. Because he lived in Redondo Beach and he would go over down Thursdays if he was in town and this one night I went down in this fucking problem, like fuck I'm only, because with 100 I could fill the tank, I could have lunch the next day and I could get a half gram of coke from Chewy. You know it was all complete, it got me to the Comedy Store, I got a half gram in me. That was the plan, you know,

it was, you need, I would have to go down there to win the 100. I couldn't go down to the 150, it just didn't make sense to me. You got to win it all or else you got to win it all. And that's the shit, the positions I used to put myself in as a stand-up comic. I mean I am, it saved my fucking life Sam and it's, and it's, and you're right, it's great to see that we're all, we're all still here. Listen man, I never, I never came here to be a star Sam, I came here because I had nothing else going on. Me too, dude. That was my life. We could be honest with people and tell them, yeah listen dawg, the reason why I got better at comedy wasn't because I strived for it, it was because I was like Richard Ginn, Officer of the Jungle, I had nowhere else to go and the store gave me

five spots a week. I had a couch to sleep on, a Josh Wolf's, Chewie would front me Coke and I got to check every week from the comedy store and I hustled with Felipe and Willie Barsana and, and I had, you know. I remember dude, when I first got picked up from the store, did not do it again, but when I first got picked up they were doing Monday, Friday, Saturday nights in the O.R. and I actually, for the first time in my life, was paying rent by doing comedy, which was the humongous thing, man. And it gets picked up by the mixing shore, was the biggest thing that ever happened in my life because it was the first time that I could fail on stage and still be brought back, which I'd never happened before. That was this wild child out of Las Vegas, the 702.

We were allowed to play comedy clubs, so we'd have to make our own gig, so I would literally, when I started doing Sam comedy, there was one open mic every other week in Las Vegas. There's nothing, and I know I needed to get more time, so I went out every night and I found bars that were dead on this night. I'm like, what night are you dead? They're like, we're dead this time. Like, give me a night. So I would start my own comedy club, my own comedy night, and me and all these kinds would just show up and I would just host it, but I got skills, but they were, they were bar club skills, which is different from like a comedy club skill. Bars are like crazy, you got to stay in the pocket, and you got to be able to put out fires, you know, you know,

comedy clubs, they're a little more dignified, people are on dates that they're to listen, you got to, you got to have a different skill set for that. So I would just like be going into these rooms, and once in a while, I get into a comedy club, and I was so crazy, I'd probably be like, what is this dude doing? So, Mitzi picks me up, and I remember my first spot was a main room stop, and I had to follow Charles Fleischer, and who would, you know, he'd done Roger Rabbit, he was kind of a connection to the glory days of the comedy story. He could do carte blanche, he could do anything he wanted, he could go from, he'd do 30 minutes, he could go to an hour and 20, you never know. Did they finally throw him out of the store? What's that? Did they finally throw

him out of the store? Because I seen him walking across Laurel Canyon the other day with a long black jacket on, like Bella Gossi. I was in the store. I haven't seen him there forever, dude, it's been a while. They threw him out. It was a weird thing because. They told me he couldn't do the harmonica no more, and they threw he left or something, I heard. Oh, at the end, I would be like, oh, God, and crowd would go crazy, and I remember the first time I walked out, I just bombed, bombed, dude, bombed. But I remember she booked me the next night after, and that was such an amazing thing for me. And it was such a feeling of, like, warmth that they picked up by Mitzi Shor, who, the creepiest she was, you know, she was like, hey, you are blast, dude. And you can get spots and

learn. And then from there, I got bombed almost every night by Andrew Dykes Clay, my first year at the comedy store. Almost every night, this one Dykes was coming around a lot. And no matter where I was in the lineup, he'd go right out and break before me. Oh, please, I had Eddie Griffin to contend with. Who the fuck are you kidding? I had a shoe last week, I shot Marin at the comedy store in the main room. So it was early, me, I met, I met. And we were talking about fucking the first night, me and the producers, they were asking me if I did spotting, I go, yeah, and I'm my first night here. You know, you have like 80 your buddies come with you to the store, like at 10 o'clock, my store, my spouse, like a 1030 and shit. I took them to Subway to

get a sandwich, and we all went to the store afterward. And right before I'm going to go up and do my first spot in the hour on a Monday night, Eddie Griffin comes up and he's like, little brother, let me do 10 minutes in front of you. What a fucking mistake that was. Finally, finally, a quarter or two, he's like, Joe, are you still in the house? And I'm sitting in the back with like two of my buddies fucking, at that point, I was just, you're heartbroken. You're fucking heartbroken. This is your big spot. And you get bumped. And you got to wait it out. For three hours, I sat there and listen to him talk about Bruce Lee getting stabbed by Mexicans and fucking, you know, fucking. Now, what's going on with the naughty show, Sam?

I, it's blessed. We're back at the comedy store. We're doing a February 20th. It's a really great lineup. I'm very excited about it. Then, you know, I just did the hard rock for the third time this year, or, you know, within a year of at the hard rock casino in Las Vegas, which is a lot of fun and trying to get it out there. Man, just hustling, dude. It's, uh, I just love doing it, you know, so I've been doing it for about four years now. And it's just the shows get better and better, comics get better and better. You did a live, well, I mentioned John Lovett's club with Steel Panther and you crushed. It was so fun to watch. And I was, you know, because I've always wanted to have you in it, but you're always so busy or, you know,

you just, the schedule didn't, it's, but man, it's doing great. It's just hustling, just same hustle, dude. And what about, uh, how's my man Tebow and punch drug sports doing? Thank you. It's a very passionate group of people. Ari, me, Tebow, it's just, you like sports and a lot of shit talking. It's been going really well, man, you know, that the naughty show radio show, I do a Playboy radio. We got to get you back in there. You were at the old studio where everybody used to get really banked at. We're at Playboy radio now. It's this gorgeous studio, dude. Still in Glendale? No, no, no, dude. This shit's in Burbank now. And you have to see the studio, dude. Where's the girl? What was the other girl that used to do

the show in the mornings? What's her name? Hey, Andrew Lowell. And now she still has the show with the guy, correct? Yeah. Okay. And then you have a different show on there. I just want to call you. Yeah, I'm late night. I'm Tuesdays nine to 11. Okay. And we do it in there, dude. It's you have to see the studio, dude. It is gorgeous. I've done a lot of radio, you know, and the best studio I've ever been in, it was Howard Stern Studio. And then after that is this studio. It's so gorgeous, dude. So I'm doing that. The show's going great, man. It's crazy. It's a really great show. I, it's a show I've always dreamed about doing, dude. We had a great show last night. We had this guy, this local dude named the Toledo Toledo voodoo. He came in, did a whole song,

jazz set for us. And man, it's like, it's like a real blessing to do this thing. So you're happy? Dude, you know, I'm not rich, but I'm beyond happy. I really am happy. These motherfuckers think that you got to be rich to be happy. And they have no idea that it's got nothing to do with it, man. It's got nothing to fucking do with it. I watched the homeless guy like six years ago, that I went to give him money. He didn't want it because you can't do nothing for me with that two dollars. Black dude, he just dropped knowledge on me for an hour and I was blown away. I even offered him food. I go, if you don't take the money, what if I buy you a sandwich or a steak? He wouldn't take any, and he was smiling the whole time.

And what about you, Joey? I mean, you're doing everything you want to do, man. This is like, you're a full on juggernaut, dude. I mean, that's how, how great does that feel? Listen, Trips, I'm working harder at 50 than I did at 20 fucking five. Remember when I had 25, I was a thief. It wasn't that much hard work. Now it's, it's, it's, you know, I'm up at five. You know, I try to write, I try to write in the mornings, you know, I got the baby. I got the fucking, you know, the podcast twice a week, then you go on the road starting Thursday, you got taken an early flight out. It's a lot of focus. I know there's no way I could be doing this if I was still doing blow. There would have been no way. So I'm very happy about that.

I'm, you know, when you see somebody like this guy died this week, you think of the tribulations we've had with alcohol or whatever, and you're like, how fucking lucky am I? Dude, I'm with you, man. I've had a lot of discussions with people. There was some stuff on Facebook and how, you know, people like some people are like, you know, hey, dude, you should have done it, the willpower. Man, I'll tell you something, dude, what it is not easy when you have an addiction. And I've dealt with that a lot. I've talked about a lot, you know, and just the thought of that, you can just be like, I'm not going to do this. I said, unless you don't, you don't understand, like one time Joey, I was like, when I would get sober, man, I would

get rid of all the numbers in my phone of all my drug dealers because I didn't want to do drugs. And then I would start, Joey, you said that you're a drug and I had no one to go to, and you know, some of the drugs I do weren't drugs, you can just go to the garbage store and grab drugs, you know what I'm saying? So you had to get adventurous, you know? So I didn't know who to get drugs from. So I would just, I would just drive around looking for hookers because I knew hookers knew where drugs were. And like, I was such a fiend, I once got robbed by the same hooker twice in one day, just trying to fucking get these drugs and not even a lot of drugs. Like, I'd pay like fucking $50 for $20 worth of drugs just so I don't, and this bitch just kept jacking

me, man. And it's just like, that's, that's the kind of mentality you have that even if you know that shit might go bad, you want it so badly that you will just, you'll do what you got to do. And like, I feel for that guy, man. I mean, to have it all and still want to go on and do 50 bags of heroin. I mean, I don't know heroin. I don't know what that is in terms of drugs. It's good. That's what it is. It's fucking yummy for your tummy. Like carrots and Swiss cheese. It's fucking yummy. You do a line of heroin and you got a chick to suck your dick. You have no idea. And forget if she sticks her finger up your asshole or licks it. You have no fucking idea what's that like. You have no idea that you push the on heroin when you can't come and your dick

sticks hard. And then between, oh my God, in between fucks and sucks, you do a little bump of coke and you drink some fucking, you know, a Stoles or a fucking, it's a different world. It's a different world. I understand why people get hooked on heroin. I fucking get it. Once I did it, I fucking got it. I just never got into that. No, I smoke crack one time and I was like, I remember going, man, you're smoking crack, dude. You can't smoke crack. And I never did it again after that. And I never wanted to do that. But man, I've never did heroin. Same thing. That was the same. I never even went near it. I mean, okay, no, often running. I'm not gonna say her name, but there's a time. I think just a little after you left that man, one of the common clubs that

was working in town, just became just coke everywhere, dude. And it was coke and everyone's doing coke and everyone's doing, well, you're fucking all over the place. That was my problem. You know, you put those two things together. I don't have a lot of skills. I got stand up and be able to fuck on coke. Those are my two skills God gave me, you know, you don't, you don't choose what skills you get. Those are the two skills I had. And it just was often running, man, for a couple of years, I really derailed everything I was working on, and then slowly getting the back. I was good at snorting coke and looking at your pussy. I would just look at it for hours and wish I'd get a hard on I dream of all the things I'd want to do to you and end up fingering you like

picking up by your pussy and like a fucking piece of meat like a hoof. It was fucking tremendous. I cannot explain the rush of fucking on coke. It's just, it's always, I think about it all the time, you know, and it's just like something you don't want to do, man, but dude, and just like that rush is what you're willing to fucking throw everything out for is that fucking rush that comes with that. And I'm sure that dude who was just crazy, intense artist, sometimes if you're not an artist, you don't really understand how incredible great actors are. We take them for granted, you know, because they're just so many actors. And we see these good looking people on TV who aren't really acting. They're just good looking and we lump them all together to see great acting.

It's like, it's beautiful, man. And just to see somebody just lost his disease. That guy was that guy wanted to go on a trip to that guy to buy that much heroin and lock yourself in that guy was long ago on a fucking run. Six dollar bags. You know what, man, you know what made me quit? I said this the other day. Tripoli is the fact of somebody finding me. That's my big thing. I don't want Terry finding me. There's some people like if you found me, I wouldn't give a fuck. You've been through hell and back. You slung dick. There's certain people that I wouldn't mind if they found me and that certain people would break my heart if they found me because their lives would never be the same again. Finding somebody dead on the floor will change your life forever. It will

change your life forever. It will give you a look at life that you've never seen before. That I could have, what if I didn't walk up on this person? This person would have been here for two fucking three days. You know, it's a horrible feeling. Trips, when does the CD come out? Talk to me. What's that? When does the CD come out? CD8 comes out in two weeks. I just got the mix. I'm waiting on the artwork. It should be done, dude. And I'm really happy with the CD, dude. It's about an hour of just fucking crush fest. I did it in Edmonton at Tammy Bronson's comedy club, that club up there. And I loved it, dude. I had a great time and the comic strip and Edmonton is my favorite place to, but my favorite place to do comedy because you literally do everything.

Comic strip and Edmonton is the only place I've ever gigged where I got off stage, dawg, and the owners asked me to get dirtier. That's the only place I've ever gigged like that. Usually I'm like, oh man, they want clean comedy. This is not going to go well. You know, they're not the juggernaut where I could just go and go, fuck you. I do what I want to do. I still got to play a little of the game, you know? They were like, come on, just go up there, dude, you got to get dirtier. We need you dirtier. I'm like, okay, and I'm just yelling out filthy shit for the sake of it. But it records the CD and man, it is great. And I'm really excited about putting it out and it should be out in two weeks, dude. Is it going to be on iTunes?

It's going to be on iTunes. It's going to be on everything. Okay. Everything. I want you to tweet me when it comes out so I can remind these motherfuckers of what's cracking. Sam, I love you. I'm very proud of you. I'm proud of what you're doing. I'm proud that you're still here in the game, regardless of addictions or pussy or people fucking with you. You know, I love you and I got mad love for you and I'm very, very proud of you. And we're going to finish these motherfuckers off like a UFC fighter. All right? I promise you that. All day, every day, Joey Diaz, I love you to death. I could not be happier if it was my own self. Seeing you as a fucking A-list top dog juggernaut on comedy is one of the fucking most beautiful

things I've ever seen. I really do love you. Every time I see you, it's a fucking great moment. Oh, we just laugh. We just smile at each other and we know there's nothing to say. We just hug each other, giggle and we know. All day, every day, dude. All day, every day. I love you. Give my best to everybody, right? Especially the Armenians. All right, dude. I'm going back to sleep. I love you. Take care, buddy. I love that fucking guy. Oh, look at your pussy. That's right. I'll look at that fucking monkey. I'll think about doing things to it because the dick don't allow it. Sometimes you want to do things and the dick is like, I'm not in the mood right now. Let me give some shout outs to some beautiful fucking people. My man, Lassie Rudd, Joey Rookland always looking

good over there. Tokin Lea always fucking throwing ideas at me, but I love you, Tokin Lea. Tyler Schneider, Luke Lawrence and Jeremy Meyer. I love you, cocksuckers. I want to welcome to the fucking death squad. Well, not really. That's why I want to work them to the church family. NailedItLife.com. They're my boys from West New York. We have history. We have family. They've been on the podcast. They also do those gumis or monos. They have a webpage. And what they have these guys are really into the nailed life. They love smoking. They love poking. They love getting high. And I love them. These motherfuckers always show up with tools. I still got a vapor pen. They gave me an oil and I love these guys. So please support them. Let me tell you what they're going

to do. You go over there. You go to naileditlife.com. They got a vapor pen there. First off, it's a high quality vapor pen. You got a one year warranty on the fucking battery. Again, one year warranty on the fucking battery. You will blow clouds that your eyeballs will fucking, the smoke comes out of your fucking eyeballs. That's how much smoke comes into your fucking system. Okay. So go there. They're $50. They have to price of what's going on out there right now. Already on 50, you're getting a fucking deal. If you go on Facebook and like them, they'll give you 20% off if you mentioned me on Facebook. So that means you get the fucking thing for 40 fucking bucks. Okay. Where are you going to get that action from? Go to naileditlife.com today. Right fucking now.

And while you're there, they're not on my website. If you go to joeydears.net, what you will get today is Dollar Shave Club. Fucking tremendous. You know what? They still send me raises. And sometimes, you know, I'm a cheap fucking Jew. Sometimes I forget to change the razor. So I got like a back result there. These razors are solid quality fucking razors. Okay. Let me tell you something. Why the fuck would you stop milking? Stop milking these fucking razors to death. We all do it. We milk them to their rusty and shit like that. You don't need to do that no more. Dollar Shave Club got a dollar, a $6 program and a $9 program on a monthly. A dollar a month will get you a fucking stem and two fucking double-edged fucking razors that are so good,

you're going to be in shock. That's $12 a year. That means you're fucking fixed on Dollar Shave Club. I'm not going to stress this again. I thought they were going to disappear at the end of January. They're still here. They're here through March because you guys are responding. And if you haven't signed up for Dollar Shave Club, you're fucking slipping. Go to joeydeers.net. Look at the tour schedule. The t-shirts will be up soon. And while you're there, click on the fucking Dollar Shave Club box where they click into church, church or go to dollarshaveclub.com. Click church. Get the program. $1 a month, $6 a month and $9 a month. Oh, by the way, you're sick of your asshole sticking like fucking hummus and potato chips.

Get the One Wipe Charlie. Your ass will stick like peppermint. It's Christmas every day when they give you a rim job. Honour. Tremendous honour, okay? I may not be Joe fucking muscles to you guys, but I'm getting there, okay? I'm getting stronger every day. I get more endurance. That's the Shroom Tech. That's the Alpha Brain. That's the Henforced fucking protein with the Glutachore honour to fucking take the soreness from your fucking muscles. Go to honord.com. They got the Stay Honored program. You get 20% off the products. They mail them to your fucking door every month. Why are we fucking going through this? Go to Honord on my page and press what? Church. Church. Not only does Honord give you, they give you opportunities to win sweepstakes.

Go to see Rusty. Go see fucking Lawler in Dallas. And you go fucking hang out with Dolce. Go to fucking Honord. The sweepstakes page. You got the February 28th. Why fuck around? My buddy Eddie Bravo. If you walk into any 10th planet, you mention Death Squad. You get a free fucking month, the whole month of February for free. Learn the Rubber Guard. Learn the fucking mission control. Learn the zombie. Learn how to choke your fucking neighbor. I'm sorry, you shouldn't choke your neighbor. It's in the Bible. Fuck his wife up the ass. Nature Box. Let me tell you what these motherfuckers did. They sent me a new box. Tremendous. These rife sticks. Yeah. Tremendous snacks. Let me tell you something, man. Sometimes

you just can't eat. You're in a fucking rush. You take a handful of healthy snacks. It's better than a bag of chips. It's better. You don't have an apple. You don't have a fucking pear. They're tremendous. Go to naturesbox.com. Today, you get 50 fucking percent off if you mention the church. So when you go to naturesbox.com or go to joeydears.net and go to natures box. What do they press? Joey. Joey. J-O-E-Y. You get fucking snacks. You get fucking raisers. You get fucking protein. You got a vapor pen and you got Hulu Plus. You understand me? So while you're sitting there shaving your fucking nut sack, boom, you put fucking Hulu Plus on and you watch whatever the fuck you want to watch from Saturday Night Live to fucking Original Programming with Seth Meyers.

I mean, I'm offering you fucking deals here. Hulu Plus. If you go to a website, you get one week for free. You take that website and you hit your grandma in the head with it. If you go to Mad Flavor, you get two weeks for fucking free and seven ninety-nine a month. What are you sitting there staring at me for, Coxsuckers? This is what I'm trying to talk to you about. I played a video. We talked about addiction. We talked about fucking comedy today and you're staring at there looking at me like I fucking shot you in the fucking head. Get it together, Coxsuckers. It's Wednesday. You understand me? It's midweek. This is when you need this fucking lump. This is when you need this fucking kick in the ass. Midweek, you're sitting there. You have doubts in your

head like fucking Jesus before they hung him. Fuck all that shit. Go for it, motherfucker. I'm going back to school tonight like Rodney in fucking 83. You think I want to go sit with a bunch of Mama Luke's on a fucking Wednesday night from 7 to 10? No, but at 50, I'm trying to get my life together. So if I'm fucking 50 and trying to get together and you're 22 still, I don't know what to do with my life. It's because you're fucking slipping. Sign up for something. Join the Boy Scouts. Mug somebody. Do fucking something. Play the National Anthem League. Don't just fucking sit there. I'm sick and tired of you. Look at this poor guy out here. Look at him. Look at this fucking beauty. Look at him. Bang on the door. Look at that hairdo. Go fuck yourself. This is what I'm talking

about. It's snowing out. The winter. The polar optics. The polar vortex. I don't know what I'm going to do. heroin's making a comeback. You're going to get up. You're going to grab your fucking balls. You're going to fucking look up at your fucking God and be happy to be a fucking American. Be happy to be an American, you cock sucker. And for you fucking foreigners, speak the language. I'm sick and tired of going to the mall and smelling your onion armpit while you're trying to get me 10% off on some perfume company. Use the perfume, you stinky fuck, or wash your fucking pussy. This is what I'm trying to say to you. It's America. It's a beautiful day to wake up. Look at the fucking sun. You know, you don't need no fucking check and no handoff from the

government. That's why you're here. You need to fucking shovel an ax and maybe some lies. Start burying people. I don't give a fuck what you do, but it's better than sitting there, waiting for a fucking handout and talking bad mouth in your fucking country. We're the powerful. We're the most powerful fucking savages in the world. Stop with the ranch dressing. Stop with the fucking tattoos. Grab your fucking balls. You're an American. Have some fucking pride to you, you fucking cock suckers. I love you. He's motherfuckers always complaining. Americans don't complain. We get a rifle and we shoot somebody. And if you can't do that, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. That's a lot of them in my

mouth. I'm all fired up this morning. These motherfuckers, son of them bitches. Who the fuck is calling me? Thank you for having me. No, no problem. I love all you fucking people. Wednesday. You're gonna go out. You're gonna wash your pussy. You're gonna shine your shoes. You're gonna look good. You're gonna look good. You're gonna look handsome. You're gonna fucking grease your hair. You're gonna shave. You're gonna look at me and go, fuck, Joey. I feel like a fucking savage today. The chinks. What do I got? I got the year of the fucking whatever. We got the year of the savage. What the fuck, man? What do you want me to do? Knock, knock, jokes for these people. It's fucking Wednesday. I just love that question. Just don't know it. The chinks? What do

I got? The other year, whatever. Yeah, I got the year. What is the year, the fucking Lily? I don't know the fuck. It's the year of the savage here, right? Grab your balls and ask yourself what the fuck is crack-a-lacking. I do this image when you said hit your grandma with the website. I do have this image of you taking a laptop and just smacking it all in. 20 fucking times so she gives up the will. You understand me? 20 times so she gives up the fucking will. I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna go to Kettlebell class at 9.30. I'm gonna throw some kettlebells around today. I'm gonna drink a protein shake. We're gonna meet with Josh Wolf. Hopefully I can meet with Brian Count. We're gonna give the people the fucking geeters today from the office. I'm gonna stop over there

till they get a certified check. And that's it. That's how the fuck we do it here, right? If you can't take a joke, take a shuttle. It's a church of what's happening now, motherfucker. This just ain't some ordinary fucking podcast that you listen to. Here we're gonna fucking pick your mind. Here we're gonna make you go out there and prepare you to deal with these cock suckers that want to fuck you in the ass. The church prepares you to go out there and fuck people in the ass. Tell look them in the face. I'm gonna fuck you, motherfucker. This is what I'm doing. This is what I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna do it 150% and this is what I want, but I'm gonna do it every fucking day and I'm gonna be here for you and you can count on me, you motherfuckers. That's

what we do at the church. Like I said to before, we don't need nothing else anymore. We need fucking character. You see a piece of paper on the floor. Character is what you do when the lights ain't on. Character is what you do when there's nobody fucking watching. Character will fucking get you through. A week before my mother died, she called me right to my fucking face. She was, I don't give a fuck what you do with your life. I don't give a fuck if you shovel shit. I don't give a fuck if you sell drugs. I don't give a fuck if you take it in the ass. Be the best at what you fucking do. Be the best at what you fucking do when you go out there. And the most important thing about being a man is not having a big dick and fucking women up to fucking here and coming on their face.

It's fucking doing the dishes and doing the little things. Count people counting on you. And that's why I get up at six in the morning to show you motherfuckers. You know, we're not getting fucking rich here, but we get up in the morning to let you know that it could be done. You can fucking do it. I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you, I don't give a fuck about statistics. I'm the ugliest, most foulest motherfucker out there, and I don't give a fuck. When I walk in the room, I'm fucking slinging dick. Like I'm fucking Jack's Teller. So that's what you, that's the word of the day today. Sling dick like your Jack Teller. What else you want to add to this?

Just check out this new Watch This with Rourke Ramos. This is a new This is How Big of a Nerd I am with Jerry Rocha and then in about a week or two on my website I'm gonna have some shirts warrior from Mike Maxwell and another artist. Oh shit. Who's the other artist? Andrew gloswecky. He's a gamer Andrew on Twitter. He made a hit it Lee t-shirt hit it Lee. Yeah Yeah, what do you got on there? It's a it's like a screaming. It's like a screaming skull So music coming out of it's pretty awesome. And then I Mike Maxwell made me a flying shoe t-shirt. What about the fucking juice? I'm trying it again cuz it's just I I don't know

We considered rubbing some carrot juice on your dick and maybe on your ass What makes you think I don't I know you dirty motherfucker. What do you for blue one dead last night? I had the juice Yeah, did you juice? Suckle kind of juice. Did you have less night the green the green kale one make it? I'm gonna make it as soon as you leave No, I just it's I'm gonna give you $10 go to Denny's get two eggs. Hold the bro get some fruit two eggs and some wheat toast. That's it You can do jumping jacks. You're gonna go eat a fucking kelp fucking. No, it's just it's uh, it's too hard It's too hard with when you go start dating somebody especially the way her mom feeds me

So I just need I need to reset for a little bit. It's not you. You don't do nothing. No, it is me You just that's why I'm doing this you better get to doing jumping jacks. I am you called Jeremy Yeah, no, I'm going with Steve Simone. I couldn't get in touch with Jeremy. I'm gonna call Jeremy's been looking for you We've just given you rope. He's gonna hang it Let me Steve Simone Steve Simone leaves three times a week You gotta do this shit every fucking day like I told you what if Steve's not here you're not gonna go to the gym No, I am but he's gonna go we're gonna go together. He lives right down the street. We got a whole hands on the bike Maybe I don't know. He's a good guy. Shall we tell you fucking iPads look what I'm watching. What are you watching?

It's not a black deck. Oh, I I Love you motherfuckers. Have a great day. Have a great week. We'll see you next fucking Monday. Don't forget February 22nd ice house 930 Don't forget to go to iTunes and payloads for the documentary where I got my balls from people been asking me I send them to payloads. It's amazing. You put it every fucking day I put fuck my tunes to see these on and every fucking day Joey I can't find the CD. How the fuck I swear to God. I get fucking 10 things a day

Where's the do you have a new item? You have a new CD. Where is it? It's on fucking iTunes And it's not it's on payloads 799 on iTunes with the fucking testicle testaments will fight ours on fucking payloads The documentaries on Amazon and fucking payloads. You can knock yourself out. They're both five bucks I love you guys. Have a great week grab your balls Salute the flag if you got an Israeli flag get it out of respectfully I'm gonna get a big tattoo on my chest of a fucking Jewish star with a dick coming out of the middle With a yamacan and I was that one for you Have a great week. I love you guys now that the show's over

Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of whoo-hoo plus whoo-hoo plus as you binge on thousands of hit shows Anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of whoo-hoo plus When you go to whoo-hoo plus comm slash Joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the whoo-hoo plus banner And don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club calm You get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay retail Go to dollar shave club comm forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shave club banner and Also, don't remember to go to nature box calm and order a great tasting healthy snacks at 50% off snack smarter 50 that's right

Snacks smarter than the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to nature box calm promo code Joey That's nature pod nature box calm promo code Joey and like we said nailed it life calm go to their Facebook page Go to the website. They have all the L the of a prices you'll ever need Oh I It's Everybody run!

Run, run, run, run!