Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #149 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, March 23rd.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Freeze Pipe & CBD Lion.…. Freeze Pipe Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. Come on in. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, it's Wednesday. Who the fuck knows, the 23rd of the month? Who the fuck gives a shit? Every day's a fucking struggle. It's like a jungle sometimes that makes me wonder how I keep from fucking going under.

You understand me? So it's a beautiful day to be alive, softballs back. I was at that field fucking Monday night, freezing like a fucking penguin. Even Jimmy Florentine tells me all the time. If you go to that field, it's haunted. There's something wrong with that field. There could be a hundred fucking degrees. And if you go to that particular field, you fucking freeze.

Once the sun goes behind the trees, listen, I had a fucking, what's the thing that everybody wears? Like long t-shirts, whatever the fuck, ultra or whatever. I had one of those on. I had a hooded sweatshirt on, the thickest one I have. And my longest yard fucking blanketed on it. And I was still freezing. My wife's like, why are you bringing a blanket? I go, watch me, cock sucker.

This is Jersey. I don't trust nothing. I take a jacket everywhere now. I get fucking cold. I don't understand what happens when you get old. But let me tell you something. I had the blanket, the hooded sweatshirt, and the hooded sweatshirt tied. That's a big difference right there.

You can have a hooded sweatshirt on. But if you got that motherfucker tied, you know it's cold out because the wind is going in your ears and whatnot. So we're back to that. We got games, practices. But who gives a fuck? I'm out there getting vitamin D, watching fucking girls run and steal home. And who gives a fuck? You know, I've been getting a lot.

I get a lot of fucking emails, you know, lots of emails. A lot of questions for some reason. You know, that's how I know that, you know, younger people right now are just lost. But then again, when I was 21, listen, I was lost while I was fucking 44 years old. So if you're making comparisons, they have it. You're doing a lot. You're doing way better than fucking me, you know. People always ask me, if you had to do it again, what would you do?

What wouldn't you do? What do you think was the most important thing you did? And you know, I got to think about it for a while. Like I was getting so many of these that I was like, it's time to really fucking think. You know, you give somebody like a fucking answer. Like, you know, you got to do what you love or whatever. But that's not always the case. Sometimes you do shit and you sometimes you do something when you're 16.

Right. Like when I was the summer, I was nine. I worked for a fucking flower shop. My stepdad was partners on a flower shop that summer. And the guy that owned the flower shop with them also had a butcher shop. So they gave me a fucking job. They gave me like a dual job. In the mornings, I would work the flower shop.

That's where I could steal. And in the afternoons, I worked a butcher shop, which was down the block from the fucking whatever shop. When I mean steal, like somebody comes in for four flowers, you charge them eight bucks. I would charge them like six and keep two. You know, when you're nine, two dollars, a lot of fucking money, you know. And trust me, at that time, like I told you guys, I learned how to steal in New Jersey. At that time, it was me and a flop, a flop, a floral assistant. And he's the one that told me, he goes, I do this all day.

So in New Jersey, everybody takes a little piece off the fucking top. You know, so I was, you know, I was doing it like three times. I was petrified because I was scared my stepfather would catch me. Then he'd say something to my mother and then he'd tell my mother, you see, we got to fucking tighten his rent realm or his reign. So I would go on a flower shop dog. You know, to work at a flower shop. I don't know if you guys know that you got to get a before in the fucking morning.

You got to go into the city, pick up fucking flowers, gladiolos, roses, and then you got to bring the roses back and fucking the stem them. Do you have any idea what that just sit there with gloves? You leave there. You like a fucking porcupine, like a pin cushion. And then in the afternoons, I have to go to the butcher shop and clean up, throw away the old meat. I would try to fucking use a knife, but they wouldn't let me because if I caught myself,

I would bleed and they didn't want me to fucking pass out on the butcher shop. So I would go into the freeze. I remember so fucking hot then that I would fucking do something outside for 10 minutes and then run in and I would just sit in the fucking meat refrigerator for hours. For hours, I would go, how long could I sit in here today? I would hide in there for an hour. I would have smelling that stinky fucking meat. I didn't smoke dope then.

I was just a fucking kid, you know. But did that come back to help me later on? You know what? It helped me with conversations about roses. People didn't know. It helped me with arrangements like I love floral arrangements and I love all that type of shit. So yeah, it came back. But if I had to think about what helped me the most in my career that I thought would never help,

I got to go back to fucking sales. Sales, listen, selling yourself is the oldest fucking career in the book. Yeah, prostitution is, but I think it got there. She walks up to the guy and says, hey, do you want to take a walk on the fucking wall side? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, a woman ever come to you and proposition you? And you're like, fuck no. Maybe she's ugly.

Maybe she's chubby. Maybe you just didn't like the way she fucking she said it to you. Well, she's not a skilled salesman, you know, a skilled saleswoman. Well, it came one time I bumped into a hooker and fucking a house kitchen. I was working on 57th and 12th selling fucking jeeps down there. And I used to take the port authority and I used to get to fucking the city at 815. And I'll never forget like I had never seen this before in my life. I know people go out at night and get their dick sucked.

You got a hooker you find around the corner. Maybe at the library, you know, maybe at your favorite 7-Eleven. I understand that. But for a hooker to come up to me at eight in the morning when I got orange juice in my hand and a fucking brand muffin. And they're like, hey, you want to have a date? And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's fucking eight in the morning. What are you thinking?

I just woke up. I don't even have a bump in me yet. And the chicks like, dog, this chick hounded me. She got together with me like on 48th Street. And this bitch followed me to like 57th Street. And I got to be honest with you. You know how I feel about hookers. And at that point in my life, I was 30.

It was 1993. So I was 30 years old. I was a wild man. And at that point in my life, I had no money. This chick was so far. Like I didn't have the amount of money that she needed. You follow me? I don't know what she wanted for a blowjob,

but I didn't have the money. That's how broke I was. I was doing comedy. I was selling cars. I was driving a limo. I was just trying to pay child support and my addiction and all this shit. And this bitch is working me for a piece of ass.

Let me tell you something. The piece of ass she described to me was like a filet mignon stuffed with shrimp with fucking. I mean, she described the piece of pussy to me that I could not even, I was like, what? I couldn't even wait to fuck her. Even though I hate prostitutes and I hate sticking my dick in dirty fucking things like that,

she had me convinced that if I didn't eat her pussy and all this shit, I was going to miss out for the rest of my life. I remember the whole day I walked around like, what the fuck did I do? I should have borrowed 20 bucks or something like that. No, that chick was a salesman. Sure enough, she should bring me home and the pussy

smells like a fucking tire store and flat ass. And she got to Sarian's cars and fucking junky fucking veins and shit. I know this, but the way she sold me that piece of pussy, it was like the last piece of pussy on earth that the rest of the day I'm like, and I was selling cars on 57th and 12th, and I'm like, that bitch was a salesman

and she made me rethink everything about salesmanship. Everything. Everything, how to describe, and that description was why you motherfuckers like, well, Joey's a good storyteller. Well, because you describe, you learn to describe different things. The smell of the room when you walk in a sock, the way it was raining, it was just a mess. Description is everything.

So I knew nothing about sales. When I was about 2021, Gregory Cacourian, the guy that owned Gregory's Seven Day Weekend, pulled me aside one day. He's like, hey, man, I think you'd be a good fucking car salesman. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? He's like, dog, just listen to what I'm telling you. I got an eye for that shit.

I'm the top salesman in the country. This guy was a fucking wild man. And I'm like, are you, and I'd see him with his white shirts and his ties on. I don't know if we get one day when I was like a sophomore, he came out, we were outside in the fucking snow by Nick's Pizza on 76th and Kennedy Boulevard and the corkies was right next to it.

I don't know if we go one morning I was over there just hanging out selling masculine. And I see Corky come out with a sales shirt, a tie, and blood on his shirt from a fist fight he got in the night before. And he's telling me how he's going to go to work. I'm like, what the fuck? You got blood on your shirt.

Anyway, this guy could sell fucking anything. So for a year, this guy tormented me. Joey, when are you going to get on the line and sell? Joey, when are you going to get on the line and sell? I have no fucking idea. I was on Coke and shit. I didn't know. And finally, like in early 85, I called him up one day

and I go, cork, so I'm going to take your, your, he worked at Manhattan. I went over there a couple of times. It was fucking beautiful. It was the place you want to work. They had action. Everybody had a shirt and a tie on. I was like, fuck, I want to work.

He's like, no, you don't start here. I'm going to start you on route 46 in Jersey selling used cars. And I'm like, oh, I don't want to do that. But he said, listen, if you take this job, you're helping me out. And I'll give you a couple of fucking dollars a week. So, you know me, dog at that age, I was a fucking bum. I didn't really want to sell. He gave me some book on selling.

I looked at it and I'm like, fuck this. You don't need to read a book on selling that. I didn't sell shit. I must have been there for three months. I think I sold a half a car. The guy liked me. I made him laugh at some shit. So I was like, I'm not going to do this ever again.

This is a stupid idea. Corky didn't know what he was talking about. I end up in Colorado. You know, I'm washing cars. I'm a fucking detailer. I tried everything. I'm drying cars at the puddle. So I get this job at Boulder auto body as a fucking shag.

And, you know, after a while, you have to deliver cars to different dealerships. That was just a body shop shagger. But for some reason, they're like, Joey, you got to help us move the cars back and forth to the dealers. And there was this one dealer. His name was Peter Pinto. He used to play with his teeth. You know, those guys that had false teeth and they'd play with them with their tongue and you hear them fucking chomping. And this guy was young, too.

He was like a hockey player or something. He told me he was from Florida via New Jersey or something. Fucking good dude. He was a creepy looking motherfucker. And he was a creepy dude. He, you know, I'm sure he had a couple of rapes on his resume and shit. You know, one of those type of people. But he took a liking to me.

I would always bring cars to him and throw the keys up, you know, and say what's happening. Hey, you motherfuckers. And he's like, this kid's crazy. And one day I was outside and he came up to me and said, can I have a worry? I'm like, fuck, this guy's got a fucking rat me out about stinking like weed or being hung over. And he's like, hey, man, I'll never forget how he described this to me. He goes, hey, man, you got the gift of gap. I'm like, what?

What are you talking about? The gift of what? He goes, you have to gift a gap. That means that you could fucking sell whatever the fuck you want. I'm like, what are you talking about? I got no sales experience. I'm only so cocaine. He started laughing.

He goes, if you could sell coke, you could sell cars. I go, listen, I tried it once before. I was horrible at it. It wasn't nice. I come back. I'm like, fuck you. Every time I'd see him, when are you going to come sell? When are you going to come sell?

When are you going to come sell? Then one day he talked money. That's the key about sales. He goes, you know how much these guys make in here? And I go, what? And he goes about four to seven thousand. Some guys make eight to ten thousand a month. He goes, I guarantee you come to work with me within the first month.

You'll be making six thousand a month. I got you full of shit. And he goes, well, put me to the test. I'll bet you that you will make six thousand dollars your first month. And I'm like, stop. So he goes, I'll tell you what I'll do. Coming on a Saturday, because I told him, I said, listen, what if I came in one day and tried it for one day

and I could give you my answer? I can't lose my other job. You know, I was on dog. I was making two eighty a week at the other job, two hundred a week. I was getting less than minimum fucking wage. But that's the job you got to take to be a trainee at that place. And I couldn't live off it. I was fucking dying.

I was eating ramen and shit. I couldn't snort coke. I couldn't have it. I'm not to go back and steal. I'm not going to have it. So what was going to save me from fucking stealing again? Six thousand dollars a month. So one Saturday I fucking put together a shoot, a shirt,

some great pants I had, some black shoes and like a sports jacket. I borrowed from my neighbor. And when I got there, some dude Carlos Valverde, God rest his soul. I talked to his daughter online. She, he gave me a tie. He goes, I got next to the time my fucking desk. And it was a Saturday. It was April.

It was fucking tremendous. The weather was a beautiful fucking day. And I went out down my first fucking day and sold three cars. I made like 600 bucks and I made like a hundred bonuses cash because they have that T cash and fist CIF. So you get those bonuses. It means cash and fist dog. I never forget.

I was like Ralph Crandon when Ralph Crandon found the money on the fucking on the bus in Brooklyn. He fucking brought it home. They told him, bring it back and come back in 30 days. If nobody claims it, it's fucking you. So he went back in 30 days. He brings the suitcase home. He opens it up and it's filled with a hundred dollar fucking bills.

His wife said to him, what are you going to do? She goes, first thing I'm going to do is this. He goes over, picks up the phone and he goes, he calls his boss at work. And he goes, I quit and fuck you. You know, like, haha. And he hangs up on him. She goes, he goes, what are you going to do? I go, I'm going to fucking call the detail shop.

Watch this. I call them up and they're like, Hey, we'll see you Monday at seven. I go, no, you won't. No, you won't. I am not working at Boulder auto body no more. I am now at Bill Crouch fucking Subaru. I don't know what to tell you. He was a good guy too.

I called him back and I made up and he understood because I knew you were going to leave. You're too fucking wild to work here and be a detailer. And I went over there. And the one thing I enjoyed about him, the difference between him and fucking Corky was that there was a training period. There was a two week training period. I didn't really listen. I could sell shit, but I just didn't know I was a salesman.

I had no fucking idea. I was shy to go up to somebody and go, Hey, buy this fucking car. But after watching those savages and how they did it, they would just hang out outside, but they were all velvet hammers. What does that mean? That when one of those motherfuckers hit you in the head, you're going down and you're not even going to feel it. That's what a velvet hammer fucking is.

I never forget the guy that took me under his wing over there. His name was Jim Wheeler. He was the youth car manager. He was a bad ass motherfucker out of Detroit. So they said, listen, for the first week, you're just going to shadow him. You're just going to fucking bring, go out there, show customers a car, ask them if they want to buy. Don't say a fucking word.

Bring them into Jim Wheeler and he'll close them at first. I didn't like it because the motherfuckers taken half my deal. I'm the one that's out there hustling these cocksuckers and he's like, uh, watch, we'll do it. You'll still make money and I would go out there and I would do it to the T how they taught me the meet and greet, you know, ask them questions. Always talk to the fucking wife first because 90% of a household is run by a wife. Yeah, the man is the king of the castle, but the wife makes the fucking buying decisions.

You know, you learn all these little tricks, you know, uh, just to greet them, just to warm them up, loosen them up a little bit, show them the cause, you know, but at the same time, like I would do it like the first couple of fucking weeks I worked there, I wouldn't want nothing to happen. And I was such a pussy because I would never ask for the sale. I would always after the demo ride, I come back. You like the car? Yeah.

All right, let's go inside. I wouldn't. And then Jim will come up and fucking start drilling. How you guys doing? Yeah. Do you like Joey? Did he show you the car? Yeah.

Okay. So what do you guys want to do? And they're like, I don't know. We'll look around. No. And we will get in their ass. No. Why don't we sit down and go through numbers and I swear to God, every time he would

say that shit to him, I would just go like how fucking embarrassing. Like you can't ask somebody they want to buy. I was such a fucking pussy. And I would sit that I was desperate. I would sit there across from him. And like, if he said something wrong, I would, I would stick up for the people. He pulled me aside and go, don't you ever fucking do that again? There's a science to this.

And like, what do you mean there's a science to this? I thought you just talked to people. There's a science to this. You got to work them. I saw Coke all those years. And even with Coke, I had a science. I was like, oh, this guy's onto something because even with Coke in the fucking 80s, when everybody was selling $45 fucking half grams of $50 a half grams,

they gave you powder with a little glass in it. So yeah, let's say the guy bought an eight ball to sell it to you. He threw a gram cut on it. He got four and a half back. You're still going to get gray fucking cocaine. You're going to have a little cut in it. I went a little better when I sold Coke. I gave you a rock.

I gave you a little rock and then I took like a gram of let's say I got an eight ball and the guy gave me two and a half gram of rock. I would take that one gram and I throw a half gram on that motherfucker and maybe throw another gram of powder on that and I break it up and I give you a rock with a little bit of powder. And you're like, Joey, that's a pretty good fucking batch because I wanted you to always get a great deal. I even made them a little heavy. Let's say a half gram is .5.

I would make them .6. I always wanted to give you a fucking fair deal. That's the one thing about me. I'm not in business to fucking beat you. If you want me to beat you, I'll beat you. I'll put you in a trunk of a car and fucking sell your cocaine. I've done it before. I'll do it again.

That's not it. You know, so all these things really fucking helped me. And then I got involved in everything sales. Like I bought every book on sales and fucking read them. I did, you know, I did everything. When I'm a sales, like I'm dying to go sell again something. I just don't have the time. I don't have 60 hours a week to go fucking pedal cars.

But eventually I'll tell you, if they don't give me fucking insurance this year with the Screen Actors Guild and the fucking the guy who died held a lawsuit on the Screen Actors Guild, but he fucking died. But it's a federal lawsuit. And the judge said, no, even if he's dead, we're still going to fucking run this lawsuit. So hopefully after this lawsuit comes in, all of us get our insurance back. Maybe a little buck a lot. But besides that, who gives a fuck?

We're talking about fucking sales here. It's the most important thing. So I'm fucking at Subaru. And after about three weeks, I was watching this guy's name was Rick Visser. Well, all the other guys were smoking dope and jumping up and down and shooting heroin and robbing banks at lunchtime. Carlos Valverde. I mean, this dealership was buck wild.

They had two Indian brothers that were fucking gigantic, like the two dudes from the outlaw Josie Wales. Doug, and then they went over to the Suzuki store because Subaru had a crouch at a Suzuki store and they were driving a customer moon. I don't know if you guys remember the Suzuki Jeeps. They used to tip over real easy. Well, these fucking two Indians were 400 pounds apiece. They hit a curb when they emboldened a fucking Jeep flipped over tremendous.

Anyway, who gives a fuck about Suzuki Jeeps? So after about three weeks, I really started fucking like, how much can you make? Yeah, people like 6,000, you know, fucking even one at the time. Subaru had a tremendous deal going. I think they paid you 30%. If you took seven cars to make your bonus, if you hit seven cars, you got a free car. But if you hit eight cars, they give you a $500 bonus. Are you fucking kidding me?

So you have all these bonuses along the way. Now you're saying to me, Joy, why would somebody want to sell? Okay, I'm going to tell you why somebody would want to sell. You ever go for a job to giving it right now? If you get a job today in Jersey, you're getting 16 an hour, 1650 targets paying 25 fucking dollars an hour. That's a target's paying right now. So if I was half of you motherfuckers, I'd be over and target in the fifth section right now. Well, the fucking battery section, trying to earn some cash, $25 is not bad for

fucking target, but my point is, if you ever get a fucking job, you're not making enough money. And you look at it and you're like, dog, I'm making 300 a week. That's 1200 a month. My rent is six. How am I going to break even? Well, some people don't mind living in a space where they have a ceiling on their income. You make $600 a week. That's $2,400 a fucking month.

That's $30,000 a fucking year. That's what you're going to get. Some people have to sit down and look at that and go. That's the number I could live by. I don't want to sell coke. I don't want to go to prison. I don't want to sell weed. I don't want to go to prison.

How else can I make that money? I'll tell you how with a fucking sales job because you have no ceiling on your income. You can have really, really good months or you can have a really good month and still do a lot better than you're doing at that job. If you have a bad month, then you get zilch. There's no fucking safety net. There's no nothing. If you're in the car business, they'll give you a bottom line salary. You can live off that.

They'll give you 300, 400 a week. That's 1600 a fucking month. But let me ask you a question. If I'm giving you the potential to make 10,000 a week, why would you settle for the 1600 a month? When you can make $10,000 a month just talking to people. That's all it is. And when I realized that, I'm like, whoa, I got to work on this. So I read everything I could.

I read all the literature on Subaru. I learned the literature because and bolder their engineers. It's a smarter caliber of person that's asking you questions. You just can't chuck and jive with them. A lot of times I would say, I don't know when you're selling. You want to appear to be the dumbest man on the earth. If you really want to be good salesman, you got to be a fucking dummy or act like one. And, you know, just like you don't know anything.

You know what this car costs. I have no idea. We could check the book. Well, what's the price sticker on that? The price sticker is 18, 9 or 18, 9. That's a, that's a price of the past on a fucking sticker. Have you looked at stickers lately? They're fucking out there.

So you look at a car. What's the stick on it? 32. Like right now today, there's a shortage of cars. You're paying MSRP. That's it. Manufactured suggested retail price. You're paying the MSRP.

They might throw an addendum on that fucking car. If you people don't know the car business, an addendum. It's what's next to the MSRP. And that's what tells you what they're going to charge you extra for. That's bullshit. It's like muffin duff, wax, high end radio, whatever. That's all bullshit. You disqualify that.

A good salesman starts by that number. Some people are going, don't even start there. Okay. I'll start at MSRP. I always started from fucking addendum. You know, I worked at Bill Crouch for about a year and I really got interrupted with me going to prison. As a matter of fact.

No, I'm lying to you guys. I went to prison the second time I worked at Bill Crouch. I worked at Bill Crouch for about eight to nine months. I learned a lot of good shit. You know, I learned how to sell in volume. I went from being a liner. Being a liner is you greet the people. You show them a car.

You put them in the car. You test drive and then you bring them back when you hand them to a closer. I became at that Subaru spot in eight months. I became from being a liner. I became a closer. I started learning how to close my own deals. You know, most dealerships have two teams, the A team and the B team. And that's how you.

Excuse me. That's how you make your schedule. So Monday, the A team comes in from nine to five. The B team comes in from three to nine. So you always have an overlap of salesmen and they call each other constant. There's an argument and the whole fucking deal. Now, so that's how you determine. There's no big deal on that.

So then Tuesday, B would come in first and then so on and so forth. Wednesday, B would be an all-in-one deal. And then Tuesday, B would come in first and then so on and so forth. Wednesday, B would be an all-day. A would have the day off. Thursday, A would have the D off. B would be an all-day. You follow him saying to yourself, that was the schedule.

I never took a day off. I didn't believe in days off. Salesmen don't take days off. We work seven days a week. If the dealership is closed on Sunday, then I'm definitely not taking a day off. Usually you go into the dealership on your day off just to look around and see what's going on. Maybe you bump into something. After an hour or two, three hours, you don't bump into something.

Somebody tells you they got a joint to smoke fucking. Sell out V, I'm out of here. Take two steps to the rear and get out of here. So my first eight months, I rarely took a day off. I fucking worked every day and I studied. Out of the eight months I worked there, I had seven phenomenal months and one horrific month. My fourth month. Why Joey?

Because when you get into sales, when you first start the first 90 days, you're a fucking moron. Look, I'm 60 years old, I'm still a fucking moron, but you're a fucking moron. As a matter of sales. The first month you pick up a couple good sales. The second month you do better. The third month you do fantastic. But guess what happens? Now you become a salesman.

You forgot to be stupid. You got too smart. And the fourth month you'll have a slump. You can't fucking, I mean, it's a slump. That old fucking devastating. Everybody you talked, I don't want to buy. I came in looking for a tricycle. You know, everybody and you're like, what the fuck?

You start to lose it. And that's what I did. And then Jim Wheeler reeled me back and he goes, you got to go back to basics. You know, and while I was there, I also noticed that salesmanship. Was not just about selling a car. There's a lot more to that. You know, there's people that actually are shoppers. I'm a salesman.

My job is to take a shopper and bucks, create them, flip them into a buyer. That's what a salesman does. Okay. A salesman job is to take a shopper and flip them into a buyer to buy a car today. But sometimes that's not going to fucking happen. People really want time to think about it. They're intelligent people. Remember, all these people in Boulder will fucking, nobody finances in Boulder.

Everybody buys cash and nobody has bad credit. When you come to a store, any other store outside of Boulder, you come into my store, you look a little fish. I make you do a five line credit that before we even show you a car. I'm not going to waste three hours to find out. You never paid your water bill in 2019 during the pandemic. I got to work there for six hours to find out. Then fuck you.

If you look a little fucking cheesy, let's go inside. Let's do a credit. Let me see what car I can put you in. And then it comes back. You didn't pay electric bill. You just kick them out in the street. Look down there. They got cars you can look at all day.

Go to the mall. You can look at cars all day. Go to the mall. You ever got a mall? They got every fucking car you want at the mall. Right or wrong. You got a freehold mall. Right down there.

Just drive around. They got SUVs. You can see any car. And that's what I would tell people. You're not here to buy them. Okay. Then go to the mall. Walk around.

What are you wasting my time for? You can look at every fucking car in the world at the mall. That's when you get smart. When you get smart and you're a settlement, you're done. There's fucking rules to the game. And especially to become a closer, there's rules to the game. You give somebody an offer that's going to blow them out of their fucking pants. Don't say a word.

Because the first one who speaks loses. Let them fucking talk. There's all these little things that you learn. Stay stupid. I don't know nothing. Why do you think to this day I say I don't know nothing? Because that's something I learned selling fucking cars. I learned it in Jersey on the streets as a kid.

But as I got older, it got cemented in my fucking mind with the car business. You don't know nothing. How much for the car? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? You're a salesman. I don't know. How much tire pressure is in here?

I don't know. I'll check with the service department. What's the speakers in there? How many speakers? I don't know. I'll check. Once you start becoming an authority, now you give them a fucking reason to check chat. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Do you want to buy the car? Well, I don't know. And you just keep going back to that fucking thing. And I was always a good salesman. So when I left, Bill cried. Subra went over to Chrysler.

And that dude's name was Artie Presley. That motherfucker was a bad-ass Jew. That guy took me and re-fucking trained me. And all the things I learned in the car business, all those fucking years, came back and helped me with fucking comedy later on. Because no matter what job you end up with, it's always going to come to the same thing, selling yourself. How are you going to get that job when you walk into interview?

I read Rolling Stone every week. I know. Why are you here? Because I really want that fucking job. Because I want three fucking kids. And I got three fucking kids. I got to pay bills. I got to mortgage.

Those are the motherfuckers you want to go after. But at the same fucking time, I went over to Artie Presley was a genius. He was a genius. He wanted you to slow the motherfucker down. Again, that's slowing a person down. You learn that with comedy too. Slow him down. Stop him.

Sit him down. Explain to them how they're going to buy a car from you and you're going to change their fucking life. I was like, wow, this motherfucker knows about dealing. The shit that they didn't teach me at Bill Crouch, this guy fucking just blew my mind with. So at Bill Crouch, he just brought them in. And if they wanted to buy something, you gave them a credit app. You gave them the paperwork.

You told them you were going to go look for a car for them. And they did the pay their own credit app and shit. Meanwhile, you're trying to figure out how to rob these people. Not with Artie Presley. With Art Presley, you fucking sit down and he wanted you to take a five line credit app from everybody and you fill it in. And the reason why is because while people are telling you, they're telling you their most intimate situation.

What's your name? You come in, you say, I'm Mike. Okay. Hi, Mike. But once I sit you down, what's your name? Michael Anthony Klein. You're telling me your middle name. I just fucking met you.

You know, people 20 years, you never told me your fucking middle name. I already know your middle name. What's your address to give you address? What's your social? Boom. People don't like living giving out their social. Boom. Boom.

Especially if it's a woman, you got to ask her and look straight in her eyes to let her know that you're not just fucking. Boom. Once they give you all that information, now you got them. You got them guys. Then before you went up to that, at that store, he wanted a deposit. 500 deposit, minimum 100 cash because that deposit strengthens what we're fucking doing here.

That's what you're going to sell that. That I need to bring that cash up to my manager. My manager's having a bad day. His parents were in Auschwitz. You know, his father's got a tattoo on his forehead of Hitler. He's just having a fucking bad day. You know what makes him a Jew happy? A nickel cash.

And they're like, really? They'll give me that deal. They'll give you whatever you want. You wanted that fucking sticker? You wanted that invoice? Yeah. Give me the 500. I'm going to get you the sticker.

I'll go up to already fucking come back. I already said I can't do it, but the check stayed up there. The check stayed up there. That's all control. Those things that they do to you are all control, guys. When I take you on the demo drive, you know, I remember at Bill Krauss Subaru, people were lazy. Mike would come on.

I go, Mike, what do you want to drive? A GL 10 here. Put a plate on it. Take it for a drive. Rome, you're supposed to go with them. Remember, you drive off the lot. That's control. You take them somewhere.

You switch seats and then you tell them again, get out of your fucking car. Now you make them fall in love with the car. They're driving around, right? Oh my God, this car is so great. Guess what? On their drive at the light, they saw a fucking neighbor. Oh, you selling this car? You know why?

Because who wants to go home and tell the fucking neighbor? You didn't buy the car because you're a fucking credit bandit because you're a cheapskate. You know what I'm saying? So you drive and you see a neighbor. I always tell people, let's go buy a house. Show it to your wife. They don't even know what the fuck you're doing. That's all psychological warfare.

They're going to go home short to the wife. She's going to fall in love with it. She's going to smell the fucking car. Oh my God, I love this. My car smells like feet and ass. You know, this car smells like new car smell. Oh my God. They go fucking nuts.

You showed the neighbors and you showed your wife. Let's go home and fucking buy it. When I walk in there, that's the first thing I tell my salesman. Guess what? The wife saw it and the fucking African American neighbor saw it, which means he's going to want to outdo the African American. He's not going to go home without this car. He's not going home without this car.

Let's fuck with him a little bit. Let's get a nickel deposit and let's see what we got. Let's get, let's start them at a $16 profit. And we'll get them down to like a thousand. You get 30% of that. You make 300 bucks. If there's a CIF, what's a CIF, Joey? I'm the type of motherfucking, you got to give me cash to sell.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays, I wouldn't sell you a car, even if you were fucking begging me to buy the car. Because there's no bonus involved. There's no car bonuses involved. So I would line you up for Thursday. Come Thursday. Why Thursday? Thursday, I'm going to get you an extra rim.

So at the time, at the, at the Bill Crouch place, I was a thief over there because if you were buying a car, I'd take him to the side and go listen for an extra hundred. I'll say the car later. Let's say you got a GL Subaru. GL 10 was the high end in the, in the late 80s. I had a kid, the lot man stole the stereos out of the GL 10 and he would put them into the lower end ones.

So tremendous. And one day the bank came, no high end cars had high end stereos. They all had AMFM, just AM radios. The bank was like, what the fuck is going on here? Where's the fucking stereos? So that's all these things, guys. There are so many psychological things. Like when I was, like when I was doing comedy in the beginning,

when people were calling all these comedy club owners to get work, I would call comedy club owners to say hello. They would go, are you looking for a week's worth? And I'd go, no, just want to call you say hello. Last time I was there at a good time, my friend was there last week. He had a good time. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

And I'd hang up on him and they go, what the fuck? Everybody calls me for a week of work. Joey is the only guy that calls to say hello. That's the twist, guys. It's not about selling your belly to belly. It's about the fucking psychological. Like I said to you, when you come in to see me, what's your name, Mike?

Okay, Mike, what do you want to do? Well, me and my wife are really looking, but as I'm talking to him, I realize he's from North Bergen. He's just a little older than me. I knew his brother. I knew his father. So I push him once. Can I sell you a car today?

No. Okay. What I'm going to do is this. I'll push him again on the way out. Are you sure there's nothing we could do today? Nah, Joey, you know what, man? I know you're here and when I'm ready, I'll come see you. We want to go look at Dodge, Neon, whatever.

Okay. I give you a brochure and I write your information down. I sit you back again. Do me a favor. Let me get some information so I keep in touch. You'll let you know about sales or what everything is happening. Some people are very nice. They give you your fucking.

They give you their address, their phone number, their work number. They give you a car to their work. That means you got them. That means they're very serious. Then I play a different game with these people. You ready? As soon as they fucking leave, as soon as they're in their car and they're pulling away. Bye.

Thank you for the. Yeah. I run right in and write them a letter, handwritten letter, not printed off a fucking computer and 87. There were no computers to type on. So I had a handwriting, but I would buy my own fucking paperwork, like printed, like Joey Diaz, Bill Crouch, Subaru. When you were pulling off that lot, I was already, hey, Mike, I want to thank you and

your wife for coming in to look at the GL 10. Sorry, we didn't have the color you had, but it's coming in about three days and I'll keep in touch. It's not coming in three days. So before he fucking gets home, I already looked that letter and it's on their way. And about two days or a day, they get the fucking letter. Guess what else they get that night at about 6 30 quarter to seven, a call from Uncle Joey, asking them if they got all the information they needed.

There's anything else I could do for them. Only thing I could send them to make their car buying decision. They would go, oh my God, Joey, I'm so happy that you call now again in three days. I've already sent the letter, maybe a postcard of the car. You ever go to dealership and they have a postcard with the car? I would send them one of those. Then the third day I would get a call. People make a buying decision between 72 hours.

So I would have 72 hours in the time you got in your car to sell you that car if you were going to fucking buy. So between the letter, the postcard and the call, I have to hope that, and this is the same thing with comedy guys. I got a wish that people aren't doing that. So if she talked to three salesman and they got a letter, a postcard and a call from me checking in with them, not telling them there's a sale, but checking in with them to make sure I gave them all the information they came in for.

You think about that. You know what? Maybe the other three set, maybe the other two salesmen gave them that information and also treated them like that. Now the people got a hard decision to make. But if those other two nitwits didn't do that and I was the only nitwit that did that, what does that tell you? You follow what I'm saying to you?

When I used to go for auditions, what's the first thing I did when I got home? Before I even put the audition email and the old saved fucking thing, I would write out a card. I still got thank you cards in my desk. I would write out a fucking, see now today you send fucking audition tapes. Who gives a fuck? They don't even, you know, they don't know nothing. Back in the day, I sent them a thank you card, a Christine.

Thank you very much for seeing me today. It was really great. Thank you. You know what, man? Again, they probably saw 10 people. How many people send a thank you card as soon as they walk in? As soon as I walk in the house, so I know for a fact if I had a 10 a.m. audition and I walk in the house 1130, the mail didn't come yet.

I'm putting that fucking card and that's why I tell you to do it when you walk in the fucking door because if you do it later, you're going to forget. Do it right now. Have the envelope sealed for the fucking stamp on that mother. If you happen to mail it that same day and that casting director gets it the next fucking day in Burbank. Okay. While she's trying to, she's going to take a look at your audition again.

She's going to take a look at your tape again. Maybe that'll convince her to take a look again. Let me take another look at this guy. Maybe he didn't read well the first time. He'll read better the second time. These are all the things selling will follow you for the rest of your fucking life. You think if, if, if Mike, look right now, we always talk about Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger gets the plane tickets for the band.

If you, I don't know if you guys know anything about bands, you think guns and roses booked their own plane tickets? I don't think so. I don't think so. Mick Jagger went to a business school and he quit. He never got his full fucking thing, but whatever he learned in his business school, he brought it into his musical career. You know, Mick Jagger, when I got one, I remember whatever it was, 88, something like that.

I don't fucking know. The stones were playing boulder. There was support. I was real close to Boulder stadium. There was supposed to start at 7, 7, 30. I couldn't hear them. I remember I said fucking, maybe they canceled the show. And the next day I asked somebody, how come I didn't hear the stones go on early?

And they go, bro, the stones didn't go on till nine fucking 30. And I go, why not? And then a couple of days later, I found out Mick Jagger called the tickets weren't sold out. No, he was mad because the tickets weren't sold out. Whenever you see a band, there's always a stage and they leave behind the stage open. They fill in the sides. It's not a good seat.

Mick Jagger refused to go up till they sell the stage behind them, the tickets in this behind them. That's a businessman. That's a businessman. And his excuse was they got to pay to see me shake my ass. Okay. That's a businessman. That's a businessman.

And his excuse was they got to pay to see me shake my ass. Okay. That's a businessman, guys. So when he learned that that business school, he took it. Mick Jagger makes his own plane reservations for the band. Mick Jagger is very frugal, not cheap. Very frugal. He's a business major.

You know, I know for a fact, if you have a band, there's not a lot of sharp guys. They're not going to be five sharp guys. One guy is going to run the whole thing with it with Molly crew. It's Nikki six. It's what it goes with fucking guns and roses. They're a band, but it's Axel fucking Rose. Whatever the fuck Axel says is what they do, you know, so every band has their leader, you know, it was funny.

What I learned from like Duff McKagan. Duff was saying that when he first moved to LA, he lived in the same building next to Sly and the family stone, you know, Sly stone, whatever his fucking name is. And that slide was living in a little apartment, smoke and crack that, you know, anybody who knows anything about Sly stone knows that piece motherfucker's made 20 hits. How can you live in a fucking studio apartment next to Duff? You know, years later, Duff ended up getting all this education and economics degree and all this stuff because he wanted to understand where the money was in his contracts.

He didn't want to end up like one of those broke musicians Ozzy Osbourne. Those guys in the 70s all got fucking rubbed. You guys read the article the other day about Steve Harvey paying 400,000 a month to the IRS. 400,000 a month, 500,000 a month for fucking taxes back taxes because his accountants fucking didn't file all those years and they took his fucking money. This is the difference between a musician or a comedian that doesn't know what's going on and a guy like Mick Jagger that he took what he learned early on and brought it into his music, bring it into your comedy. I was really happy because yeah, when I got to LA, I was using like if I went for an audition, I would write you something.

If I wanted to audition for you, I would send you a package. I used the letter system a lot. I wasn't a big email guy. I wrote letters because that's what was big, you know. There was so many parts of sales that helped me with my career later on. When I first got to LA, I met people like, I forget what the kids name was. He was on tour with Dane Cook and a bunch of those guys. He was the house MC.

He also ran one of the clubs in LA, the club that I got caught snorting. Coke off the girl's monkey and they threw me out. They banned me. I forget what the kids name is. Anyway, I mean, listen, he's a great kid, but a horrible fucking comic, you know, a horrible comic. And I don't mean to say this about anybody, but it's the truth. But it's the truth. And I think he even knows that this point in his career, he's not, he hasn't done comedy in like 15 years.

No, he hasn't. He's still a promoter and he's still like, he'll host his rooms. Sweet kid. I like him. I wish him all luck in the world, but he was never a funny guy. But I'll tell you what, any room this guy had, he would pack in 400, 300, 200. I didn't know what he was doing. He used to aggravate me.

I'd see this kid out and I'd fucking throw maluchia sticks at him with my eyes. You motherfucker, I hope you're burned down. I just didn't know what he was doing, but I couldn't be mad at this kid either. I couldn't be mad at him. You know why? He was selling. As a comic, he was selling. I still remember when I got into comedy, there were these comics that you would travel with them on Fridays in Colorado.

And on Fridays, they would check into the hotel room and they would go to the mall to give away tickets to the show and to talk to girls and to talk to families, to give away tickets. Guess how many times I did that shit? Zelch. Never. I don't ever want to say to somebody, hey, you want to come see me do comedy? That's got to be the most horrible fucking feeling in the world. Later on, you know, like in 2010, 11, people come up to me and go, can we watch you do comedy? Yes, sure.

That's a different story, but me going up to you and going, hey, excuse me, what are you doing tonight? What are you and your wife doing tonight? What? Who are you? I'm a comedian. My name is Joey Diaz. You might not know me, but you're going to in 10 years. Do you want to come to a comedy show tonight and you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? I can never do that shit.

I always like to treat people how I like to be treated. Somebody comes up to me trying to sell me like, listen, there's a time and a place for everything. I admire salesmanship. I love everything about it. I am in touch with my realtor with Trish Florentine. I bought this house from Trish and I fucking love her and I was at lunch with a couple weeks on my Trish. Your customer service is fucking invaluable. She just looked at me like I go, we weren't in the house.

One day and you were already inviting us to your home for a party. You know, when we got here, there was fucking, she bought stuff at the front of the house that said congratulations. There was balloons. There was candies. You know, she called my wife all the time. I mean, my realtor's fucking customer service rating is 100 fucking plus. I will do business with her for the rest of my life. And I will refer her because she got me into a nice house and she never lied to me and the customer service across the board.

I give her 100%. Her salesmanship, she took care of me, her honesty. But again, it was the customer service that fucking, you know, and that's even with the webpage with t-shirts. I've always tried to get back to you guys. Like, I just don't send you a batch and I don't give a fuck about you. When you order a shirt from me all those days, what did you get with the shirt? Didn't you get a letter saying thank you for your fucking order? I took, I did all, I took all that shit from salesmanship.

I took it off from salesmanship and applied it to my fucking career. So if you don't know what the fuck is going on with your career and you don't know what the fuck's going on with you, try sales. Try sales. Read a book on sales. You know what? That fucking job, you know, because you still got to cold call people and I really cold call people. But you still got to call people and go, hey, Mike, how you doing? Joe Diaz, you came the other day, look at the Subaru. Have you happened to pick anything up? And then they'll say, I picked something up.

Go fuck yourself. And I'll tell you what, there was a book I got. I will never forget this book and the author of that book. I will suck his dick or I will sniff her asshole for free because it taught me so much for free, for free, because they put so much money in my pocket with what they wrote in that book. And it was called telemarketing in the 80s. Now it's probably been called telemarketing in the 2020s. And basically it broke everything you had to do to phone work. Now I read this book when I was selling Chrysler's and when I went back to sell Subaru's or something like this.

This book was the one I reread when I got into the sports betting system. Because whether it was the sports betting system I worked for, whether it was selling cigars on the phone, whether it was selling cars, it always came back to sales. And once you see it, it took me a while. But once you see it, you'll see that everything in your life revolves around sales in its own special way. You have to do something to get them to keep so what you're doing is selling. Number one rule is always be fucking honest, tell them the truth, tell them what you can do and what you can do. And that's, listen guys, I was a liar, I was a cheat, I was a fucking burglar, I was a lot of piece of shit things. But when I sold cars, I was straight up 100% gangster.

You know, I had outgrown all that, you know, it's so weird how I was a kind, I was a fucking piece of shit in my regular life. But when it came to sales and comedy, especially comedy, I did them 100% to the fucking tea. I never stole jokes, I never fucking called other bookers and credit throw comics on them. You know, there's no, for me sometimes, I'm like, I can't believe that I was selling out theaters and all this shit. For me, I still can't believe how well I did, but at the same time, I could believe it because nothing happened to me until I incorporated the salesmanship part of it. Now it was through my space and, you know, you're putting your shows up, your available shows and people are coming and then you just learn. Like even with Twitter, I knew how to work Twitter at the end. If I had a show on Friday, put it up on Sunday night.

People usually, that's why people get pissed at me all the time. Some people just left Patreon because they're like, hey man, you don't do anything on Saturdays and Sundays. Fuck you, fuck you. If you're on a computer on Saturday and Sunday, shoot yourself, just shoot yourself. You should be going on a computer like maybe five minutes to look at your messages or something, but to sit there in front of Twitter and be posting on a Saturday and Sunday, I would never do that. And from the sales perspective, when you go on Twitter, post on Saturday, see what happens. Nothing. Because all the people that are going to spend, they're out spending.

They're out jumping up and down. Why are you selling when there's nothing to fucking sell? Sunday morning, go on Twitter. It's the same eight people on there tweeting, look at me. What are you fucking retarded? There's nobody on there. Sunday night is where it'd be. No more is getting back on.

Let's see what happened in the world of social media this weekend. Well, I was out getting my dick sucked VD and getting finger banged and everybody else is sitting on the computer waiting for something to happen in their life. That's what they do. They go on on Sunday nights. They start looking and go, holy shit, Joey's going to be here Friday night. Let me buy my ticket saying, how many times I posted on a Sunday night and I wake up on Monday and I sold 200 tickets overnight because people want to lock up that week. They don't fucking look at the computer during the weekend. So I wouldn't post during the weekend.

But Monday through Friday, when I was out there fucking knocking on doors, I was posting every day. But if you look at my post, I was posting nice and light, three, four posts in a daytime. And that wasn't my whole fucking day. Look at me. I'm on a fucking plane. Look at me. I'm on a fucking now because it was all part of the salesmanship. Have you ever been a salesman?

Have you ever fucking been like right now? I need insurance. So a couple weeks ago, I talked to an insurance guy. I think he sold my number to everybody. Every fucking day insurance people call here. The ones I tell to go fuck themselves are the ones that call 10 times in a day. I don't want to talk to those people. Those people just a noxious cocksuckers.

The ones I talk to are the ones that are very calculated. You know what I'm saying? Two, two calls on one day, three calls a week later, you know, they calculate. These other people are fucking gavones. That's how I want to be treated. I don't mind you selling. I don't mind you selling. I can't be really, I'm a hypocrite.

If I give you this conversation, then I'm mad at you for sell. All I could tell you is to control your fucking, you know, if you bang me out 10 times in a day, eventually you're going to piss me off and I'm going to tell you, go fuck yourself. Right or wrong. Anybody's going to do that. But if you call with a purpose and sell with a purpose, he'll be fine. For me, nothing happened. I was doing.

Brea was where I learned salesmanship and comedy. I got a call one day. I wasn't doing anything. You know, I was opening up a Rogan. I really wasn't going to the store at all. And I'll never forget this guy. This guy called me from the improv. I still talk to him.

Dan, Dan, the man, I love this guy to death. He called me one day and he goes like, bro, I really believe in you. This is when nobody was talking to me. It was like Rogan, Mitzi Shaw and a couple comics. Nobody fucking ever said nothing to me. And this guy called me. He's like, man, I've been watching you on stage. I think something's going to happen with you.

I want you to do a dirty show at the brand. He goes for three months. I'm going to give you $400 a month. That's 150. The headliner 150 to 150 for the headliner 100 for the feature act. And then you keep 50, 150 for booking or whatever. He goes, I'm going to do that for three months. And after that, you started zero.

You don't have to learn how to build a room. I was fucking petrified, but I tried it the first month, the second month. And I did a little differently. I got a bunch of, I got all my friends. Felipe, fucking Martin, you know, Rick Ramos, Steve Simone, I would get all of them down there. Every month and break them all a $50 bill. I would give them all fucking 50 bucks. So I would have the best show ever.

They would all come down. I would have reefer there. I would have reefer people come down. And then the 30 day, the 90 day thing came. And I'm like, how am I going to get people in there? I was not. I didn't go for Rogan right away. I called him to do a favor.

I said, no, I got to learn how to build this room. So I'm going to build it. So I started building it with my post. Rick Dukuman once told me, when you invite people to your showcase, another reason why. I don't know if you guys watched the Ryan Sickley Showcase a couple of weeks ago. I was talking about my agency, the coloring book. You know, I had the coloring book because I was too much of a pussy to call these agents and tell them what I could do. Whenever I was talking to them, I would talk to them like, yeah, like, you know, if you got something to say, say it, don't fuck around with people.

Because that tends to be to your salesman ability. If you're not confident, you're fucking spiel. That's it. They smell that. So I was never comfortable when I first got into fucking comedy doing it. But once Dan told me I had to learn how to build the room. I go, let's go back to my salesmanship skills. Started taking pictures, posting on Myspace.

I started fucking writing crazy posts on Myspace. That was a Lindsay Lohan was doing blurry night and sucking cock. So every time I would post a show, I would go this. It was like once a month on a Tuesday, but I would always go this Tuesday. Me, Felipe, Lindsay Lohan is doing coke. Three chicks are there fucking and sucking. Do you know how many people come up to me after the show and go, was Lindsay Lohan here? I didn't see it tonight.

I would go, what the fuck? They actually believe that. And that's what Rick Dukerman said to always call the people the next day and go, where were you last night? Mike, I couldn't make out. You missed it. Rodney was here. Dice was here. They fucking lit my ball sack on fire.

You fucked up. You missed it. You always want to let them think like they fucking missed something. So the next day I would go on there and write a little fucking speech last night to Bray and Prug. We shot a cannonball of some chicks ass. And then I started getting 10 people. 20 people, 30 people started going to 100 people. And by the time I gave up the room in 2012, the last 12 months, we had sellouts in that fucking room from me adding.

I used that room before I tried the salesmanship on my career. At that time, fucking Dane Cook had written the book on following through with, you know, on at night. Dane Cook would go back home after my space and fucking, you know, just thank people for coming for the shows. That interaction is another form of sales. The reason why Facebook is so great is because people could see the interaction you're having with people. And that opens them up, you know. That's my talk about fucking sales on a beautiful Wednesday. What I wanted to get through to you guys was that if you're a musician, if you're a conductor, if you're a violinist, if you're anything in performing arts,

and you're trying to get people to come get you and you're still putting flyers on cars, that's not going to work anymore. I think for me, the Internet is the best selling fucking tool there is on the earth today. It's press buttons. You know, you still got to come through. You still got to have the gift to gab. You still got to talk to people and talk them off, off a ledge after you ask them for money and whatnot. But it's always the value that you're selling. You know, I never scan people on my post.

I always told people, you know, 56 and slinging dick. There was never a picture of me with a hat smoking a cigarette, looking mysteriously trying to sell you on that. I'm selling you on the fun night you're going to have. I'm selling you on after this fucking show how much fun you're going to have from the energy of all that laughter. That's what I'm selling you on. So if you want to be a great artist in today's world, I'm sorry. I know that you have retarded. Listen, as artists will have retarded, we want to be good at one thing.

Some of us do, some of us do have the gift to gab. But if you're an artist and you don't have the gift to gab, what do you do? You know, I know a couple of comics that don't have the gift to gab. Have somebody help you. Have somebody help you learn, you know, fucking. I wish I had a sales book to recommend for you guys. It wasn't one book in particular. It was 10 books and then going to Anthony Robbins seminars.

I know you're looking at me going, Joe, you went to Anthony Robbins seminars. I'll tell you what, I'm not an Anthony Robbins, living, dying type of guy, but I will tell you he's got a couple things that fucking do help to help me. And to be honest here, I still fucking using today. And it's like little things you could do to remember so you could perform at a great level all the time. I did it for stand up for years. I'm not going to tell you what the secret was. Pay Anthony Robbins 300 and take his seminar and go walk on fucking colds.

And then I'll fucking tell you, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I thought this was important on a Wednesday motherfucking morning to talk to you people about sales and your life. We're all starting from scratch again after this fucking pandemic. A lot of us are if you're struggling or something like that, add sales in there. Sales is usually the key. You can't listen. I love these people who are going to hire marketing firms. Nobody could sell you like you.

Nobody, nobody could sell you like you. How did I find out? Remember all those years I told you I would call agents and say get me in for that. And they'd say, well, they don't really want to see you until Joey wrote him a fucking note. Oh, Joey picked up the phone because nobody could sell you like you. That's it. Talk suckers. Have a great fucking week.

Thank you for watching the joint. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you very much for supporting and taking my Wednesday morning earbeat. And here we go. The joint is brought to you by freeze pipe. Listen, if you're looking to see the devil, there's no better pipe on the fucking market than the freeze pipe. You get a cold fucking hit every time.

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Tip Top Magoo. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. Thank you.