Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #150 | LEE SYATT & STEVE SIMEONE | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

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Starting point is 00:03:18 No long-term commitments or contracts. Go to stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code JOE. Now, without further ado, let's get this party started. I got Lee and Steve Simone in the house, cock-suckers. Come on in. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint, Monday, the 28th of beautiful March. Today, we have the fucking, the team of decked here.

Starting point is 00:04:46 We got the Catholic, Steve Simone, and we got the Jew on the other side, Lee Syat, for a fun-filled Uncle Joey's Joint. The bong is here for fucking decoration. We can't smoke. My daughter's upstairs doing math homework. You know how that goes, nah, she's not even home. Thank God we're all here, but thank God for fucking ABX and the filters of debt. I got a couple different companies.

Starting point is 00:05:11 I got ABX with these little fucking vapor pens. There it goes. Maybe not. Look at that. What's starting this Monday morning with a fucking bang, cock-suckers? Lee Syat, how do you like Jersey, my friend? I love it. I don't know how you're not 800 pounds.

Starting point is 00:05:39 I told you, motherfuckers, when it comes to food, my neighborhood is the shit. You think I moved here to be a fucking x-ray? You know what I'm saying? Not that I always want to eat, but just knowing that it's there. That's what we didn't have in that other fucking hellhole where we lived. We miss LA. I miss LA. I miss some of my good friends.

Starting point is 00:06:00 Some of the food was good. We were talking about lalas last night. But beside that, nothing. I should be about 516 pounds right now if I'm on the 10 pound a week gain. Fuck it. I had to put the discipline on, man, because I could eat. The killer is two slices a day. That means I would be at 14 slices a week.

Starting point is 00:06:25 That I can't recover from if fucking 60. But two slices a week, I could recover from a couple push-ups, two or three little walks and I'm okay, you know what I'm saying? But it's so quick. We went to get pizza today for lunch, Steve and I. And I thought, I just forgot that you could go places and get a slice. I thought we were going to sit down and they were going to bring out a pie. You can't sit down and eat pizza.

Starting point is 00:06:48 If you can get a slice in five minutes here, I would get more than 14 a week back then. When I left here in 83, I was eating 14 slices a week. Metabolism was different. There was cocaine. There was a lot of things happening, you know what I'm saying? Now I can't do those 14 slices a week. But I hope you guys understood when I said to you, when we go to that pizza parlor on Selma or we go to the pizza parlor, Joe's in LA, how everything was a prop.

Starting point is 00:07:17 Like they didn't do a slice. When you're advertising a slice, you're not advertising a slice. You're advertising that I'm going to be in and out of your place in two fucking minutes. That's what a slice is. A slice is something on the move. Yeah, you go to pizza with your kids and your grandparents and you sit around and talk about the pepperoni. That's one thing.

Starting point is 00:07:36 I'm talking about when you fucking go with, you know, you're working. You have a 15-minute break. Yeah, you got a 15-minute break. It's two o'clock. I ate my pizzas at two o'clock. Let's be honest. There's nothing better than a slice of two in the afternoon. Lunch is already settled.

Starting point is 00:07:52 You shipped the fruit out. You know what I'm saying? The beer you had is gone. Now you're looking for something to keep you together till 6-6-30. What better thing than a little slice, a little diet coke, and then after you eat the slice, you go, you know what? I'll take another one. Fuck it.

Starting point is 00:08:08 I'll, you know, because slices are by the day. Sometimes I go, I went to fucking Carlos the other day and I got there and I go, you want a slice or you want to wait two minutes for a sausage to come out. And I said, you know what? I'll wait two minutes for the sausage to come out. I walked in there thinking I was going to get a cheese. I had the flavor of cheese in my mouth. You understand me?

Starting point is 00:08:28 But I ended up getting the sausage because that's the way it goes today. I went there to get one slice. Sometimes you get two. I was going to say, I thought you were going to get a cheese while you waited for the sausage. But then yours, the one we went to, you told us to go to, is across the street from a Carvel. I got a black and white milkshake. Black and white's my favorite going on. It's vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce instead of just chocolate ice cream as a milkshake.

Starting point is 00:08:52 It just brought, like, to be able to walk from pizza to Carvel. It's nice to a deli. The place where I got you the sandwich before we had the pizza is next door to the Carvel. Yeah. No, it's heaven. It's food heaven. It's the absolute best. And then you, like, I knew, like, you met us at dinner last night and you were the,

Starting point is 00:09:15 our waiter didn't say two words to us. You walk in, everyone's hot. Like, you, everyone just loves you here. That's my spot. That's my Chinese place. There's a guy, I went to Chinese place with a friend of mine there, they're the cop. And he started with his bullshit. This is a great place, but I think you should go to the other place down the road.

Starting point is 00:09:35 And I'm like, you don't understand. I don't do that. Once I find my place, unless the other place, the chicks have firecrackers coming out of a pussy, I'm loyal to my people. Yeah. You know, everybody always says this, that about restaurants. If you're loyal, how loyal are you as a fucking customer to that restaurant? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:55 Can they count on your business every week? Yep. Or do you alternate? Do you tell people about that business? So, these places that I've gotten accustomed to, when we were talking about Empire Seshwan, that's my spot. They laugh at me. Like, they make fun of me when I go in there.

Starting point is 00:10:10 I love that. When Chinese people make fun of you at a restaurant, she'll call my wife and go, your husband here with blonde. You know, she'll do shit like that to me. Like, they do all that type of shit to me there. With a family. Well, who has like a friend at the, like, who's friends with their Chinese restaurant people? And it's a good thing.

Starting point is 00:10:28 Are you? They have to be. Yeah. I've never had that. Like, they're like, they're your friends. They're my friends. My buddy Vince, the tomato pie I brought you, he doesn't open. He's opened 15 days a year and every time I come into Philly.

Starting point is 00:10:42 He's like, all right, how many pies do you need? He'll open up the business just for me. And what do you do for money the rest of the year? He's got like a property business. He's like in the construction. These fucking pieces that Steve brought. Oh my God. With just a pie, with salt, we got a slice.

Starting point is 00:10:55 Tomato pie. A tomato fucking pie. It's ridiculous. This obviously you motherfuckers here to show today's about food. Yeah. Listen, tell fucking Guy Fieri to suck your dick and tell fucking none of the motherfucker that Bobby Flay, that ignorant cock sucker, he always wins. Nobody beats Bobby Flay.

Starting point is 00:11:13 Nobody beats Bobby Flay. I know like there was a white chick on there last week that have fucked Bobby Flay up, but they always give it to Bobby Flay. It's a fixed Bobby Flay. Fuck you to fucking Food Network. I was thinking of taking something over to you motherfuckers, but you always let Bobby win. And then even my wife stopped watching it.

Starting point is 00:11:31 She goes, I'm watching this. These people are obviously beating Bobby Flay as they're tasting it. The judge is like, this is the best. Well, I'm right. And then Bobby comes along and fucking wins. Fuck Bobby Flay, that punk ass bitch. Yeah, that guy with the glasses and shit. Yeah, it's a goofy fucking network.

Starting point is 00:11:53 They got ugly people on there. Bobby Flay is going to wake up and his Twitter is going to be messed up tomorrow. I'm telling you, what do I do to Joey Diaz? And then they always fucking get up and they always torture like the people. He's fucking going up against it to throw them off. And then they make believe they do it to Bobby Flay. Like, oh, let's torture Bobby a little bit. They cheer against Bobby.

Starting point is 00:12:10 Actually, I saw Galileo on there once torture people. Did you see Galileo on that one? That must have been pre before the 18 year old weighs the hand and shit. Before the bus girl said something. Delia is alive and kicking now. They're doing great. But all those fucking idiots that came out against Delia and Brian Callan, they opened up a can of worms that they didn't know they were going to open up.

Starting point is 00:12:35 Obviously, they didn't think about what they were going to fucking say or whatever. Now they realize why people shut the fuck up. Because if you say something, they're going to bring you in. It's like I was watching the soprano. That guy that was a witness and he told the cops, I'm a good citizen. I should have said something. Then two weeks later, his name is in the paper. And he's like, I'm going to get killed by the gangsters.

Starting point is 00:12:54 That's why I shut your fucking mind. Shut your fucking mind sometime. You want to be a fucking playboy or a boy scout? Do it on your own fucking time. Go tie a shoelace. Go bring a donut to a homeless guy. What the fuck is wrong with you? But they're doing great.

Starting point is 00:13:08 And you know what? I'm happy for him. A lot of people turned their back on him. He got to see where he stood in life. And once you see where you stand in life, you're fucking brand new. You're brand new. He's got nothing to talk about.

Starting point is 00:13:21 Nobody to talk with. Fuck you. You said shit about me on Twitter. And he moves on. I check him with Deli all the time. Me too. I love him. He's a good man.

Starting point is 00:13:30 He loves being a dad. He's a family. His parents are awesome. I love that. Come on, man. What happened was he was fucking people and he was being a dick. You're not going to chicksuck your dick. You're like, oh, you're finished.

Starting point is 00:13:40 Get the fuck out of here. Can't do that to these chicks. These chicks actually think that they want to get married to you or something. So it was just a bad situation. I'm happy we all moved down from that. Me too. I'm happy all the stupid shit that people were saying, fucking everybody moved down from it.

Starting point is 00:13:56 And now you see. Now you see why we're the way we are. Now what do you got? Now you got comedians that aren't going to fucking talk to you. That's what you got now. Comedians that aren't going to fucking talk to you. They're scared. I know a comic, no names.

Starting point is 00:14:09 He said he will never do another meet and greet. He doesn't give a Frenchman's fuck. Yeah. You have to bid you touch somebody wrong. Whatever. So that that's what you get now. That's what you get. You want to complain about comedians.

Starting point is 00:14:21 You know, that's why Doug and there was still was some creepy shit I got. I took a picture with a fucking. I told you about that three years ago. I went to like Toledo. I went to Toledo, Ohio. Is that what you did? Yeah. The funny bone and Toledo.

Starting point is 00:14:38 Yeah. Well, fucking years ago, five fucking years ago in between a dog. It was so long. I don't even fucking remember. I took a picture with a fucking. I was in the lobby in the hotel. Like about five or no, no on a Saturday, especially in a small town because everybody knows you're at that hotel. Gotcha.

Starting point is 00:15:00 I went out to dinner. Well, it was a smaller hotel. They didn't have room service usually for dinner at any hotel on Saturday. I just have room service because you don't really want to go out. I do all my shit early. I go to the gym and then I go to the room about four, watch TV for a little while. And then I didn't do that that day. I went out when I came back there with checking in.

Starting point is 00:15:21 Now, she was really attractive. And so was he. They were young couple. They were like 32. Yeah. She took a picture of me. He took a picture of me. Then they both took a picture of me.

Starting point is 00:15:32 Never thought about it again. Yeah. Hi. Goodbye. They said I was very approachable. Whatever. Two years later, I'm getting a fucking email. I was looking for my address.

Starting point is 00:15:43 He was filing for divorce and he used one of my pictures with the chick to say she was cheating on him. That's terrible. Do you know what I'm saying? So now I got an answer to an attorney and all that stuff. Wait, wait, wait. They hit up an attorney? Yeah. The attorney might hit me up.

Starting point is 00:15:57 We have. Oh my God. So with all that shit now, how do you feel after that? Do you want to, you know, how do you want my behavior to be after that? You know, UFC fighters are taking pictures of people. They would say get me in a headlock. And a year later, they're getting sued because they said when you got them in a headlock, you hurt their fucking neck.

Starting point is 00:16:17 And it sucks because like the vast majority, like 95% of people we meet or I've met through this have been so cool. Very cool. But the crazy have gotten crazier. Yeah. And it's just, it's not, like, it's just not worth it. Like as much as it would suck to be like, oh, I can't take a picture. But it's like, is this the one time I take a picture and someone says I did something

Starting point is 00:16:41 or even yesterday, some guys, first time in six months, anyone said anything to me about the church? Some guys stopped me at a gas station, but they literally pulled over. They weren't even really in the spot. They left the car running. And I was like, am I about to get fucking like. Yeah. Like I'm no way in the middle of nowhere in Connecticut.

Starting point is 00:16:59 But so like you think about it now, I get it. That mine is a hundredth of thousands of what you're like, I said last night as a joke to like how often do you get recognized? Because it happened last night when we were out and your wife was like, oh, every day. Like that, that's a little bit much. That must get a little bit old. No, you say hello to people. There's some people who are last night was an arrest.

Starting point is 00:17:24 No, Friday night I went to a restaurant in Coltsnack and I got 12 kids and I got 12 adults. You know, I got like six sets of parents and we're sitting. We just come from a tag, a flag football game. And we're sitting there. We're having a good time with the kids. And all of a sudden a guy comes in with kids and they stop because the waitress is there and I make eye contact with the guy.

Starting point is 00:17:48 And he looks at me and I go, what's happening? He goes, how you doing, man? He goes, I love you in the longest shot. He shook my hand and he kept moving with his kids. Great people. Yeah. That's it. He goes, that's mercy.

Starting point is 00:17:58 I go, yeah. He walked away. Yeah. Some other kid. I was going to say, good people make it easy to be nice to them. Good people make it easy. They make it easy. They make life easy.

Starting point is 00:18:07 But then there's problem people. Where are you just going? Then I got two kids around me. I got my daughter sitting on me and I got the neighbor girl busting my balls because my pants were short and they could see my ass crack. So the neighbor girl kept saying, I'm going to throw pennies in there, Mr. Diaz. And all of a sudden some kid goes, are you Joe Diaz? And I'm like, no, you got the wrong guy.

Starting point is 00:18:27 Just because I knew what he wanted. When you see a guy with two kids, he was excited. He was very excited. He was young and I knew he was going to hang there. He might even slip and say, where's the reefer at or something? I'm sitting next to a cop. He's a detective. He knows I get high, but I don't want to slam it in his face.

Starting point is 00:18:50 So I go, nah, nah. And he goes, everybody, you look just like him. Anybody ever tell you that? And the detective goes, I tell him all the time. It was just like Joe Diaz. He won't listen. And everybody's laughing at the table. And the guy's like, man, you look just like Joey.

Starting point is 00:19:02 I didn't do that because I was a scumbag. I did it because I know that what I was going to open. The other guy had kids with him and he was just like nice, you know, whatever. I love talking to people. I love. Listen, I'm a chatty. You know what I'm saying? Like I love talking to people.

Starting point is 00:19:19 So if you're cool with me and you approach me the right way, I'll talk to you for 10 fucking years. So the other day I went to Lobodes and they're talking to some guy out there for fucking 20 minutes about CGI. Yep. You know, he just, he came up to me. He's like, I'm in high school and I want to learn. He goes when they shot in the Sopranos that they really, and we talked. Yeah. He didn't want to take a picture.

Starting point is 00:19:42 He didn't give a fuck about comedy. The light and respectful respect that like, I remember being in a bar. I wasn't even drinking, but it was like five years ago or whatever bartender slammed. And, you know, I catch the aisle and I said, excuse me, I can see that you're busy. But when you have a chance, may I please get a Diet Coke with no ice. And the guy goes, what? I said, I understand your busy. I go, but when you please just the Diet Coke and he went, you know what, whatever you want, it's free.

Starting point is 00:20:08 I go, what? He goes, order whatever you want. He goes, you're the only polite person we've had in here in a year. He goes, whatever you want, I got it. Like, because people don't do that anymore. There's no more common courtesy. I think that over the, with the situational last two years, I think, you know, man, I call it like a mental health issue because maybe I had a little bit of mental health issue. But at times when you see all these planes and stuff, I was thinking about the planes that it was people have been in the house too long and they forgot how to act.

Starting point is 00:20:39 Yeah. That was just a stupid excuse. I know that the planes, you know, when I did the plane to Austin, just the amount of times the fucking lady told me to put the mask on, even though I had my mask on, you know, she can't put it on. They had like a recording. Yeah. I wanted to get up and punch myself in the fucking face. Right. Nevermind punch like the stewardess or I didn't want to punch them in the face.

Starting point is 00:21:02 I wanted to punch myself in the fucking face because it was so fucking annoying. Yes. You know, right now people for a long time, people didn't know where their money was coming from. Yes. You know, we were talking about LA before. These people were paying $2,000 a month rent. They didn't pay rent for a year and a half. You're going to land a little 40 fucking Gs.

Starting point is 00:21:20 Yeah. That's a lot of money. You know, 40 fucking Gs. You're never going to get out of that. Trust me. I was down 100 Gs. That's 10 fucking years. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:28 That's 10. You're down 100 Gs. That's fucking 10 years with all your bullshit because you got to remember you have rent. Did anybody see that thing? Steve Harvey was paying the government $450,000 a month. Did you see that shit? Wasn't it because like his accountant sold like $20 million from him? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:47 His accountant stole money. He was filing taxes and didn't file the taxes. Oh my goodness. And then he died and then like, yeah, you owe us 20 years back taxes. No, not 20 years. I don't know how long. Oh my goodness. It was a long time.

Starting point is 00:21:58 For you to owe $450,000 a month. That's a lot of money. And he goes, I paid that. For how long? No wonder he has that judge show now. No, that's what he said. He goes, I did everything. I didn't turn down anything.

Starting point is 00:22:09 I was not a position to turn down anything. He goes, I just worked and he goes, I bumped into a contract that was big and not pay the bulk of it off, but $450,000 a month and still pay for your car payment because that shit don't stop. Yeah. Life doesn't stop. Groceries like. And they don't have a Toyota, which is still expensive.

Starting point is 00:22:31 No. They don't have a fucking Toyota. Yeah. We had someone come on the podcast once who was very nice, but like not a known person. And they came in and they was talking about like a $2,100 one bedroom with a $900 a month Mercedes lease. And it was like, what are you talking about? And they were there for like, they were, they were new to LA, a 900 a month car.

Starting point is 00:22:59 My buddy, Wally was in LA for a month and like, you know, you meet idiots when you're first there and like on an acting class, whatever the guy was living in a studio apartment and he was driving a Ferrari and living in a studio apartment parking it on the street. That's LA. Gross. Yeah. It looks good for nobody. People have no idea that.

Starting point is 00:23:23 Did you, anybody watching LA Lakers show on HBO, HBO max, pretty fucking good show. The making of the Lakers. I'm going to tell you something. I like Thomas C. Riley. That's his name. He was a Boogie and John C. Riley has always to me been a good actor. Me too. I met him once.

Starting point is 00:23:42 I didn't really say anything to him. Hi. Nice to meet you. Let me tell you something. He's always been like a mediocre actor in my world, even though people put him on a pedestal for years. When you see him playing Jerry Bus, Dr. Bus, is it great? That shows great.

Starting point is 00:23:58 Me and my wife watch it religiously at 901. That's awesome. But what was I going to get there? We were talking about LA. We were talking about people's bills. All the sadness people are carrying with them. Just be nice. Like you were talking about the people approaching you and bills and all the stress people are

Starting point is 00:24:14 under. And I realize that now. Like go out of your way just to be a little bit nicer to people. You know what I mean? I will say one thing I love about Jersey, Philly, this East Coast, when you're nice to people, they immediately give it back to you. Like they're so grateful. Like the guys in the pizza place, they were so like, excuse me, we said please and excuse

Starting point is 00:24:33 me. And the guy kept on checking in on us. How do you like it? He gave us the bigger size orangeini balls than what we paid for. They take care of you. You know what I mean? Like you put good out there. You get good back.

Starting point is 00:24:45 But then we had a certain point. A lot of podcasts were real estate agents in LA in Beverly Hills. I did two of the different ones and I would go and record sometimes at like these really beautiful houses, but like the houses in Beverly Hills didn't really, I never felt comfortable on them. They never feel like a home at all. And like it was the numbers would blow you away. They're like a two million dollar house for them was like a starter house.

Starting point is 00:25:09 Yeah. All houses were like 10 million, 12 million. It's like, if I could live in a $600,000 house and not have to work versus have to do a show I might not want to do, but live in a 12 million dollar house, it's like, maybe you should just live in a regular house and retire. Yes. Do whatever you want. Less stress.

Starting point is 00:25:32 Like why do you have this like 12 bedroom estate? I never liked, if you don't know anything about me, I love doing stand up and I love working, doing movies. I never liked the attention people in that field get, you know, meanwhile, fucking surgeons are saving lives and nobody talks to them. Nobody wants to take a picture with them. Nobody wants to do nothing. Nobody has a picture of a baseball card, nothing, you know, and all that's great.

Starting point is 00:25:59 I never liked that. If you know anything about me, I never liked the fucking somebody bringing me water. Right. That, that, that just wasn't for me. So when I left, when I left LA, it was an easy unwind for a guy like me. Me too. I wasn't tied up with a publicist. I wasn't going to premiers.

Starting point is 00:26:19 I did not. And now I feel like, like, you know, we're talking about the comedy store, 50th anniversary, which is on April 7th. Comedy store is a big part of my life. I wouldn't have a wife if it wasn't for the store, a kid, a career, nothing. I mean, and it's really painful for me to think about going there. I'm like, do I want to, I'm not in that world anymore. That's not the world no more, you know, I, you're so much happier.

Starting point is 00:26:46 That was, I mean, could we've talked over the past year and a half, but like seeing you like when you came up with mercy and Terry last night, it's just like, how happy, like I told Steve, I was like, I'm so happy that you're so happy. Yeah. Like it's like, it's just noticeable. It was time to get out of that guy. For me, it was, I like being the standup comic. Me too.

Starting point is 00:27:05 It's like when I came with it, but somewhere along the line, it went south for a guy like me. It just went south. I wasn't enjoying what I was doing anymore. I can't believe that I sacrificed this part of my life to be a standup and all of a sudden I didn't want to do it anymore. Yeah. It was very hard for me to, I think to comprehend and process it and I struggled a lot with

Starting point is 00:27:28 it, but it's, you know, and I kept telling people last year, oh, by next July I'll be on stage, you know, by next April, this whatever I'm going through, no, I pulled away from it even more. Hmm. Like I pulled away from it even more. I'm enjoying watching movies again, just for a movie, not to look at it to see what the actor is. Right.

Starting point is 00:27:51 No, shit, you know, I always knew that when I did the Sopranos, I always had a funny feeling that was going to be my last movie. Hmm. I always just had a funny feeling like I did, we crashed and whatever else. I did something for Greg Garcia and stuff, but I don't, I don't know. I just, this was the perfect way to unwind for me. Like I needed this, you know, I'm happy that Lee's doing and looks like a fucking star. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:28:18 I mean, when I pulled up at the Chinese restaurant and I could see him from behind, I was like, wow, look at fucking Lee, you know, for people who don't know, you know, we were talking about it before. There was a day I went looking for these two fucking humps and I'm driving up Magnolia and I make a left on to fucking Kawanga, whatever that was, Tonga, and I saw Lee, I see Simone walking like, you know, Johnny, you know, Tip Top, Magoo, nowhere, and I go, what a fuck is Lee and Lee's looks like fucking the guy from, you know, what's the guy that rings bells?

Starting point is 00:28:54 He's like, his whole left side was stuck. He looked like the guy in splash when he shot himself with the Canova paint. What's that dude? And it's, and whatever was ripping him out of there, Tom Axton, he's like, hold on. What a week. Lee, Lee was just discombobulating. I was like, I hated it. And I go, this cannot.

Starting point is 00:29:16 It was hot. I was 300 something pounds. I was so concerned. We would have talked. Yeah. I would talk. And like, I was so concerned. And then when I started to see the way come off, but to see it in person, I'm so proud

Starting point is 00:29:31 of you and happy for you. They're happy. Yeah. Happy for you. Yeah. It just, I don't, I don't know. I just wasn't ready, I guess. But it wasn't a fool.

Starting point is 00:29:42 Like I was telling my wife before, guys, we were in a, in a time capsule, you know, on LA. We were just in a time capsule and there was so much going on. But then again, there was nothing going on. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like there was a lot going on. I got to go to the store.

Starting point is 00:29:57 We got a podcast. We're going to get the guys in the food fighters this week. We're going to, you know, there was a lot going on, but there was nothing going on. And we were in, and I said, it's fucked up as it sounds. I don't want you to think we're whining or anything. We were having the time of our life. Looking back right now, anybody who went in there, and you guys have seen it. When you watch the old episodes, Theo doing mushrooms, acid church, fucking Owen Benjamin

Starting point is 00:30:21 walking to Tusca Hanna, you know, fucking, he's still walking that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? We didn't have an idea. We didn't know what we were doing. But for you people who were at home watching, yeah, it was a party, but it weighed a lot. You know, he wasn't sleeping. I wasn't sleeping. You know, I remember waking up in the mornings and going to piss and my dick in my hand.

Starting point is 00:30:44 Just, and to you guys, it was a different, I wasn't being a hypocrite. I was just doing my job. You guys, I was having a great time, but I still remember in the mornings, waking up, going, I can't believe I got two spots at the store tonight. Yeah. I can't fucking believe I got two spots at the store tonight. Like my day is not going to be over till 11 o'clock at night, you know. And when you're a comedian, when you're a musician, when you're a singer, when you're

Starting point is 00:31:14 a blowjob, whatever the fuck you do, whatever the fuck you do. I mean, Mike's a musician, you know, Mike, if I told you, um, you were playing a gig tonight at eight o'clock, what time would you get there for the afternoon? You know, we were talking about Steve, when you're a comic, you hate the daytime. When you're a real comic, you fucking hate the daytime. There's nothing going on a daytime that's got anything to do with you, jobs, courts, gyms, no, that shit. When you're a comic, you can't wait.

Starting point is 00:31:47 You want to wake up at the quarter to eight, somebody throw you in the shower and just throw you to do, because that's all you think about all day. When I listened, when I did comedy till 2007, when I woke up in the morning, this is all I had on my mind. Two things. What, how many shows do I have tonight and how am I going to get a gram of Coke tonight? Nothing else. I didn't think about eating.

Starting point is 00:32:11 I didn't think about fucking. I didn't think about sucking. You think about two things. Am I getting on stage tonight and how am I getting a gram of blow tonight? That's what you think of when you're in a comic, the first 10 fucking years. If you're thinking about something else, you're not doing it right. If you're thinking about your wedding or, I can't wait to see what Kim Kardashian's doing.

Starting point is 00:32:33 It's not going to work out for you. If you give a fuck about Pete Davidson, it's not going to work out for you. All you got to give a fuck about in the morning when you're doing comedy is to get on stage. Am I right? Am I right? Well, how scary is it though? Now that I've had a day job for a while, I can't imagine working a full nine, 10-hour day and then doing stand-up.

Starting point is 00:32:55 That's a lot. That's exhausting. It's also like how do you, because you eventually have to make the switch to not doing a day job, but if you're not making that much money. Oh, it's terrible. Oh, my God. Plus, I had to work like minimum wage day jobs because they were flexible. In case Joey said you want to come out on the road with me, in case Paulie said, I have

Starting point is 00:33:13 two weeks. We're going to go on a tour of the Midwest for two weeks. You can't have a job like yours with real responsibility and they just disappear. Are they actually flexible or do you just like have to get new jobs all the time because like you're like, I'm just going to quit this job. The nice lady at the gym, remember the Hollywood gym where I worked? She always kept the job for me. Oh, that's nice.

Starting point is 00:33:30 Okay. The pizza places that I worked at. My buddy Jules got the slice. You're just like, I'm not coming in. Yeah. They were like, this is why you're here. Go do it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:39 So I've worked at pizza places. That's nice. Gyms and then towel marketing, but it's exhausting. Because you would have to work two different jobs. You're not making overtime anywhere. You're not getting any benefits and then you're getting up on stage at 10 o'clock at night with either working comics that have been sleeping all day or like rich. I didn't realize how many people in LA were just rich kids that didn't have to work.

Starting point is 00:34:00 That's all they did was just like, you know, an open mic. That was their job. They'd worked three minutes a day and then I was, it was exhausting. You know, when I got into comedy, I worked the first like three years, I was paying attorney fees and rent and all that shit. But by like 95, I'm like, fuck work, fuck my credit rating. Fuck all you motherfuckers, you know, for you, because all your life you're going to be worrying about.

Starting point is 00:34:31 Listen, when you get into comedy, you're a fucking nomad. When you get into music, you're a fucking nomad. Okay. When you become a librarian, there's a lot of fucking librarians, but when you become a comic, you might be the only comic in your fucking neighborhood or your fucking state or whatever. Yeah. So like by the fourth year, all my focus was on stand up.

Starting point is 00:34:49 Why are you going to get a job? What? What are you going to get a job? Will somebody come up to you? What's the today's special? The Life Factory. What? That's what happens when you have a day job and you're a comedian or you're a musician

Starting point is 00:35:02 and you got a gig that night. That's all you're looking for. Yeah. If I had a family, I would have had to have a day job, go home, put the kids to sleep, whatever helped my wife or whatever the fuck had to do. And then hopefully somebody's got a spot fee at nine o'clock. It's a great life. I mean, if you make $60,000 a year in your day job, whatever, selling insurance, an office

Starting point is 00:35:24 job, an economist, you can still put together another 10 Gs a year at night working comedy. Oh, yes. You could do the weekends. You could do a couple of guys that were fucking hilarious in Denver. One black guy in particular, I forget what his name was. I loved him. He was a fucking attorney. Wow.

Starting point is 00:35:42 So at night he would have, you want me to tell you what his joke was? My favorite joke he had. He was a black dude, really handsome dude, cool, I forget what his name is, God forgive me. But he would have his clothes, it was, you guys like the Godfather and people go, yeah, we like the Godfather. This is my impersonation of Vito Corleone and he would turn around and put the cotton balls in his mouth. And then he turned back around and he'd go, somebody fucked up my teeth.

Starting point is 00:36:13 That was an impersonation. And you know, I used to love that goofy shit. I love silly. I think I find it funny the more you saw, you probably saw that 200 times. But he would do that shit like somebody fucked up my teeth. That's awesome. He would have the cotton balls on his side and shit fucking tremendous. But that guy made great money.

Starting point is 00:36:39 I still remember doing Wyoming with him. Like a fry. Like he picked me up like a six. We got to do like a hundred miles an hour to get to the gig by eight. You know, he had a suit on. And he was telling me, because I work like two weekends local, you know, like in Colorado back then. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:59 You have your comedy clubs, but you also have like the Poconos would do comedy on Fridays and Saturdays. They know, you know, you, you know, they are local guys. I was telling you that there's a restaurant in an Alabama, maybe I think on the 79 stacks, fucking tremendous breakfast. If you get a minute to go to stacks, get the fucking pro dish. Oh my God. It's a little dish they give you.

Starting point is 00:37:23 What do you have like a Denny's, those disgusting things? Great. No, no, no. The other one that comes with the dish, they put the two eggs on top and you're supposed to cut it up. Denny's was to fuck all those places to have those. No. No.

Starting point is 00:37:38 No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:38:02 No. No. No. No. No. There's enough little Nikon… types of cheese, little bacon bits, ham, sausage, and fucking it's disgusting and then they put two eggs on top of that covered with fucking cheese. I mean, too much. It's too much. I don't like,

Starting point is 00:38:35 in fact, I ate it one time and I was supposed to drive Mercy to the wreck or something. I go, Mercy, we got to stop at home. She's like, why? I gotta tell you, when we get out, dog, I destroyed that little fucking bathroom. Ink was coming out of it, the whole fucking thing. But Stax has a fucking pro dish. It's called like protein plate a pro. It's filet mignon chunks with potatoes, green peppers, red peppers, and they give you the eggs on the side with two pieces of wheat toast. Oh, that sounds good. Stop it. But my point is they do comedy there. Oh. Sorry about that. My point, they do comedy there. Those are the places you do. Like for me, if I ever got into it, if I had a weird bug up my ass, I would start with just Jersey. There's six comedy clubs

Starting point is 00:39:23 in Jersey. That's, I could do, that's 12 weekends a year. That's six counts. You do February, March, April, then see you. I'll see you in November. You do November, December, and you're done for the year. That's it. That's what I would do. I would just do local things and because I'm not getting on a fucking plane every week. I get car sick, guys. And my car sickness is 50 50. So what if I drive somewhere and I get sick? I can't go on stage. I can't go on stage. It happens to me once a fucking week. It's something I'm doing something. I think it's my vision at night. I think it's my vision at night. And every week I tell my wife, we got to go to Costco this week. But it's like everything else. Everything else is on the back burner. I'm having a hard time driving at night.

Starting point is 00:40:18 It sucks now. Like it sucks. I hate driving at night. Do you? Yeah. Like I never know who like that was the worst part about driving after an edible in LA. Because the the headlights and all I don't know what lane they're in. I'd be terrified to merge. I would just stay in the one one lane. Because I'm going to kill myself. I have to stay in the right lane and get off and I so I can't Jesus Christ. We don't have to spray no more now. Oh, thank God. And I got the garlic. I ate the garlic pills this morning. So they're processing right now on this stomach. The garlic pills will be ready. We'll be farting getting you in the corner. I got to figure out a corner to get you in here. I know it is. I

Starting point is 00:41:06 saw the like this seat is disintegrated when I wiped the seat. It was brown by the ass. From all the farts that had gone in dude for years. We did the podcast twice a week and you ate fish twice a week. You would have salmon and garlic pills and come over and just and then you and then we switched chairs. So you were right next to me. So I couldn't move. At least when you're on the on the end, I could like kind of like move away from the best. Nice to get you in the corner that would and honest to God. How many farts have I fought it since we started this podcast? Yeah, it's been tremendous. My system has changed. It's the air in LA that was polluting the thing is you've heard 10. He also has silent ones because I would only know he farted because

Starting point is 00:41:58 he would do this. He would go to the side. That didn't always make a sound. But he just got it. And he would like like I learned to like, okay, if he starts like shifting in his chair, like, huh, I gotta run. I have like PTSD, like I have to run away. I think people gonna fart on me all the time. Oh my God, you farted so much. But I have to say that might have been the flies. But there were flies. I still say it was because of the freaking the dumpster and the office complex, but of course, the dumpster was your neck. My neck smelled probably not great. When was the last time you ate hummus? I can't. What? Oh, yeah, the birthday video. Yeah, too many calories and hummus. I do. I like it though. When was the last time you saw a fly when you stopped eating hummus?

Starting point is 00:42:54 No, I was still fat. There's no flies. The flies bring hummus. What also attracts flies? Shit, right? When you take a shit and you put it on the floor, what comes to it? I've never heard that. So if you eat hummus and flies attracted, what do you think is in that fucking hummus? Shit, Arab shit, like some fucking terrorist took a shit and grinded down. Yeah, I watched a lot of those cooking shows. They put in the food processor and they put in the fucking hummus or some shit. That's why they're not beating Bobby Flynn. But that's why you don't have flies. Oh my God, the spirit touched me. That's why you don't have flies anymore because you don't eat hummus anymore. The hummus has a little granulated shit in there.

Starting point is 00:43:37 I love hummus. Not anymore. It's so good though. No, it's not. It smells fucking good. There's a kebab place near you. I saw it today. Where? I don't know. And there's a couple of Mediterranean places. I'm going to tell you what the deal is here. Okay. The nine is tremendous. The only fucking restaurant in the nine that violates the Joey Diaz code is fucking there's a Jersey Mike's, which I haven't figured out. I don't like them on fire. I thought it was a Jersey Mike's guy. Now, what's what happened? It's it's it's canceled. Once you live in Jersey, right, you're allowed to go to Jersey Mike's. That's the plan. You know, me fucking Italians came over here in a bathtub to open up a sandwich place and you're going to go to fucking Jersey Mike's to get your fucking

Starting point is 00:44:18 ham and cheese. Now, now you're a person from Jersey in Jersey Mike. They're all from Rhode Island, the fucking Connecticut, the fucking Delaware. Nobody from Jersey is even allowed to work at Jersey Mike's. The food is so fucking bad. And I got to be honest with you, the the fucking Philly cheesesteak with the works is not bad. Yeah. At Jersey, the cocoon or whatever. Yeah. The big cocoon is not bad. I love Florida. I go to Jersey Mike's. It's hard to keep track of the rules, Mike. Like sometimes you're like, wait, I thought it's Jersey Mike's. You can't go unless you get the tea stage. Can I fucking go to Jersey Mike's? I can't get Door Dash. I'll yell at you for that too. Why would you want to go get Door Dash? Especially now they dip

Starting point is 00:44:56 their fingers in your pizza. I'll show you a kid that does Door Dash. He comes over here every day like I see him. You tell me if you ever want to order food from the outside again. Did you order food from Door Dash? I dashed. Oh, you dashed. Did you dip your fingers in any of these pizza and take a pepperoni out of respect? Oh, I would do that to everybody's pizza. Everybody's pizza. I take one of those little pepperonis off, maybe a big chunk of cheese off. Oh, yeah. I used to live with Chinese food in South Coke. If you don't think when somebody would order, when somebody would order egg rolls or spare ribs, I was the happiest man on earth. Those spare ribs always got there late. I was a cheap pack. I would, I would have counted if I

Starting point is 00:45:39 was missing an egg roll out of my order, I would have been pissed off. Oh, I always say something. If I, if you ordered a shrimp dish, I took a little shrimpy. There's only four and now you're getting three. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck. So that's why I don't order food because I know what disgusting people do and I'm disgusting. I was a disgusting delivery driver. If I liked you, I didn't do anything to your food. I never pissed in food or anything like that. I just wanted to sample it. You know what I'm saying? Maybe, maybe I don't want to buy a whole fucking food. You buy it and I just take a little potato and a piece. It would be hard. I was in Steve's car last night after that pizza was in it all day after that tomato pie.

Starting point is 00:46:15 I can't imagine being around a pizza delivery driver or Chinese delivery driver all night, be hungry and not maybe have one. I get, but I can't see. I'm the kind of like naive that I can't live like that. Like how people like they take the top sheet off at hotels. I can't live in and they're like, we do that because they don't change that sheet. I can't live in a world, but I don't think they change that sheet. I have to, man, I have to trust that they're not going to fuck you with you that much. I can't live in a world. I love you to death, but every place I go, I assume the worst. When I look at a cook, I could tell that guy picks his ass and it's my choice to eat his food or not. Like when I go to Lee's fried chicken, right? I could tell those brothers

Starting point is 00:47:01 haven't washed their hands. They got cracked particles on their fingers and shit. Now I can complain, but in my world that adds to the fucking flavor of the chicken. Do you know what I'm saying? So I'm a hypocritical type of dude when I come to that shit. I go to a nice restaurant. I see a couple of Mexicans. I know they're Catholic. You know what I'm saying? I know the food's Catholic. I know we got a shot. Do you know what I'm saying? We got a shot. We got a fucking shot. But there's like last night I went to a restaurant that listen, when we go out with the parents, we can't go to a good restaurant because we go in that 30 deep. Wow. So they got to push it away and move people so we can't do that. So we got to go to a

Starting point is 00:47:42 place that takes 12 people. Like last night, like I said, we were 30 deep. It was 12 and like, yeah, we're like 26 deep. So we got to go to these fucking restaurants for like, that take the reservation, went to a place last night. It was okay if I lived in California and I lived in fucking, you know, up North somewhere, you know, up North, but now I'm watching diners, diners in an automobile and they got a ton of food in fucking Bakersfield. Now that I left, like now I'm seeing all these great restaurants in Bakersfield. Then you have to go to Bakersfield. Yeah, but who the fuck is going to Bakersfield? Not I, not I. So fucking, you know, I go to this place last night. My wife

Starting point is 00:48:26 was still hot about it this morning. But again, I got to yell at her. My wife was bitchy because the mojito wasn't right. And the fish and chips, I go, would you order a fucking mojito from a bunch of fucking rednecks? That's what you get. This is a Jack and Coke type bar or a fucking beer. You ordered a mojito. Look at the fucking bartenders. Look at them. They got shit, you know, and then she ordered the fishing chips. They burnt the fish to the fucking crisp. So when I went in there, the lady goes, listen, we're running behind tonight. We're going to be a little late. So I knew how to jump on an appetizer. I was hungry, but it was Friday. He can't eat fucking meat. Here's my, but yesterday you should have called me. There was a dispensation yesterday. I know.

Starting point is 00:49:05 I didn't eat meat. I know you ate chicken over at the Chinese. Yeah, because I confirmed it online and with my mom because it was a solemnity. You know what? I really make mistakes and they'll eat a piece of meat. I just try to, since I don't give up nothing for lent, I just try to really stick to the fucking no meat on Friday. So I said, what's the safe, safest fucking appetizer around here? I want with the French onion soup. That's as safe as could be, unless the cheese is bad. Brown brought some bread and a fucking piece of cheese. And it's good. I've been starting to eat it since I'm back here. I love my soups on the East coast. So I fucking ate that. I mean, guys, there was nothing on that dish on that menu. I wasn't a move for salmon. I just had

Starting point is 00:49:50 salmon Wednesday. So I ordered something against my core paella. How was it? I didn't shit blood the next day. So the seafood was obviously good. Had a couple of the muscles that it was like three inch lobster tails. When I pulled the lobster meat out, you could see that it was black. Like it was what they got it from the Hackensack River. But I took a chance. Columbus did. I'm not a pussy. You know what I'm saying? It was 30 dollars for that pie. I got to get mine, bitch. So I fucking ate the lobsters. I ate the shrimp. I ate the clams. I ate a couple of muscles and I ate a couple of rice. The rice wasn't bad, but they had a ton of chorizo. I love chorizo. Not that chorizo and not the chorizo they put. Chorizo is supposed to add to the texture of the paella.

Starting point is 00:50:38 It's not supposed to overpower the paella. It's a seafood dish. Not a fucking sausage dish, okay? They had 29 pieces of sausage on that motherfucker. I just ate around it. I didn't get sick, but everybody there like two nights ago was like, fuck, the food sucked. You got to know what to order at these places. That's a hamburger joint. That's what that is. It's a bar hamburger joint. St. Peter's was on. You know what I'm saying? I'm nervous about tonight. We're going to get Italian because I've gone and there's two stories with him and Italian food, him getting mad at what I ordered. When we came to shoot the documentary, we went to his favorite Italian place and I ordered ravioli. And we're in Jersey now. I could just stab you and throw you in the weeds. So you better

Starting point is 00:51:18 order the right motherfucking foods. And apparently ravioli is not right. And then we went to the North Hollywood diner once and I ordered spaghetti meatballs. And you stumped and he stumped the Mexican. He stumped the Mexican. I don't know what to do. He fucking just took chili. I asked him, I'm not lying. He took chili and threw it on noodles. And he goes, maybe. And he gave it to me and I'm like, Lee, don't eat it. It was just noodles with chili. It was just chili. Like they even had a bean in there and shit. Last time I checked fucking spaghetti don't have beans in it. All right. Oh yeah. The North Hollywood diner. It was a diner. I was like, he gets spaghetti meatballs. No, that was, that was good for breakfast. Oh yeah. And those two

Starting point is 00:52:08 pieces of bacon, you better pray they didn't give you more real quick was meat. My wife gets it. My wife gets fucking, you know, Oscar Maya, the thick, fancy cut one. And every once in a while, you got boys meeting that motherfucker. It tastes fucking terrible. Real quick, before we move forward, the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Listen, a lot of us drop anything to go help somebody. But how often do we give ourselves the same treatment? We need to invest in yourself. Invest in yourself by exercising and therapy. BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to take care of the most important relationship you have. And that's the one you have with yourself. Listen, we were just talking about, you know,

Starting point is 00:52:56 what's been going on. I had struggled with a couple of fucking questions. I contacted BetterHelp. They connected me with Dana. And you know what? I'm doing 150 fucking percent better. I talked to her once a week and it's been working out. You guys are the judge. I'm doing a lot better. So do yourself a favor, whether it's hitting the gym or making time for a haircut or whatever, whatever you're doing, you are your greatest fucking asset. So invest the time and effort into yourself. All right, BetterHelp is online therapy that offers your video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't want to see anybody on camera. You don't have to. I know it is. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. And you could be matching the therapist

Starting point is 00:53:42 within 48 hours. And it's a lot cheaper, right? Give it a try and see why over 2 million people have gone to BetterHelp Online Therapy. And today, today, Monday, the 28th, the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp. So all the listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. And now that we touch base on therapy, let's do our own therapy. ABX, the leader in fucking gel caps and edibles, sponsors the podcast, sponsors us, we sponsor them. So we figured it's time to go to church. There's four 200s and one 100. Pick the 100. Pick the 100. It's the lighter color one.

Starting point is 00:54:35 What are you talking about? No, that's not even real. You're just saying, oh, I mean, they're all like, no, they're not. They're burning. Trust me. I know everything in here is going to be the same amount. Just fucking eat one. Jesus Christ. Here you go. You motherfuckers. It's been a while. And you know what? It's Monday morning. You can't walk on one leg cocksuckers. Let's get this party started. Right. Look at my eyes from last night. I ate 1200 milligrams last night. My eyes haven't been this red since 1980 when I ate the kwayloos with Dee Dee and I drank the poop off fucking vodka. Look at my fucking eyes. My wife said this eye is so red. It took 20 years to fucking

Starting point is 00:55:28 restore the veins in the eye and after one night with ABX kaput. You understand me? Fuck him. Look at my eyes. They're still fucked up from last night. Look at them. Oh my God. I was, I smoked a little bongy woo before, but none seriously. You used to say that every, like every once a month, you'd like, no, we're going to no more addables. And then, and then three hours later, there'd be addables. He'd call me like no more addables today. What is that? We change every day. This is white truffle. The third in the series from fucking laughing gas. Look how beautiful this is. Are that yours? Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Starting point is 00:56:16 It's Monday. The ice cream shop, white truffle, rainbow rugs, and cocoa is waiting for you, motherfuckers. So how's Florida, Steve Simone? I'm loving it. You like your new life in Florida? You like living with mom? You got your little comedy gigs? Yeah, it's great. It's a peaceful, easy life. I'm getting a little bored right now, but overall, so happy. It's just easier. Life's easier. I moved my parents in. I got a little backyard. It's great. You know, like I'm going to plant a little garden. That's that's what I want to do. That's the next move. That's the guinea garden. I don't know anything about fucking plant it alive, but I got to figure it out. When are you going to get a pizza one? I'm going to get the pizza of that. Oh, yeah. I got to give you a

Starting point is 00:56:59 fucking pizza, a personal pizza from Carlos. Oh, I can't wait to taste these motherfuckers, man. They taste like the oven. That's why you reminded me when I used to be in Boulder, Ladizio on Saturdays, you used to take a stone oven to farm his markets and make your pizzas. This pizza from Carlos, the personal pan tastes exactly like that. Tremendous with some basil in that motherfucker. Fresh basil. I drank that water, that capsule hit my stomach and my intestines blew up that cancel. I just came up with a little ABX fucking burp. Tremendous, tremendous ladies and gentlemen. It's a Monday morning. It's going to be a good week fucking April fools on Friday. Is it really? April fucking fools already, cocksuckers. We've gone to the first quarter of the year

Starting point is 00:57:46 and it just felt like I had COVID two weeks ago. That was Christmas, right? That was Christmas. This fucking year is moving. You better get with it, cocksuckers. Who gives a fuck about the B.A. Armacron? We're going to keep pushing fucking straight. He believed every two weeks they got a new fucking thing. Well, listen to this. I started fucking physical therapy on my right knee. This was a hell of a week for me like with that shit. So I went down in Monday, you know, you got to wear the fucking mask. I go in, I give the girl my name. She goes, all right, go on the back. I'm sitting in the back minding my own business. I got the mask on and this Asian woman walks up to me and she goes, Mr. Diaz. Yeah. She goes, I have to talk to you.

Starting point is 00:58:30 She was really cute, like 40 thin tall and she's like, I have to talk to you. We do acupuncture. It's called dry needling. When you do therapy, physical therapy, we do the first two sessions for free to see if you like. And I'm like, you know, I go to acupuncture, but free. I'll take it. Yeah. The fuck do I get to catch a breather like that? That's 65 bucks for acupuncture. Catch a fucking break. She goes, okay, I'll come and talk to you later to see if you have time today. I go, all right, no worry. And as she walked away, she goes, you look very nice today. I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't know what to say. You know, I'm like, okay. And then I went there Friday. Again, I go in, I got the fucking, they told me Monday when I was there, I go,

Starting point is 00:59:18 this sucks with this mask. They go, take it off. They go, it's okay. We don't have to worry about it. So your decision. Are you fucking serious? They go, yeah, take off the mask. I'm okay. I went back yesterday. I wasn't in without a mask. I'm sitting in the thing and the Asian chick comes up to me again. Oh, hey, Mr. Diaz. We have time today. If you want to do it, I go, okay, yeah. She goes, where's your mask? I go, listen, lady, it's over. It's over, lady. That's it. Why do you have a fucking man? I started really like not really killing her. I just started like busting the ball. And again, she said to me, you look kind of nice today. And I go, you look nice yourself. I don't know what the fuck's going on there. So she goes, when you come back

Starting point is 00:59:58 Monday, come to my office instead. Don't come here first. Come to my office. Let me needle this first. I'm like, don't my wife, I got to tell my wife some lady hit on me. She's like, who cares? You're not going to do nothing anyway. My wife already knows. So what were you saying about the fucking needling or whatever? I don't know. I don't know how we got there. You were talking about about happy being in Florida. Oh, yeah, it's great. It's great. When I moved there, I didn't know how different their COVID response was from Los Angeles. Like I got there. And I'm like, is COVID still happening? Like I, there was a, nobody wearing masks. There was nobody paying attention. Nobody paying attention. They were living their life. They had us so scared in

Starting point is 01:00:41 California. I remember when you guys went away, didn't you like kick a woman out of an elevator because she coughed with him? Yeah. When we came back from Atlanta, when we came, that's what I knew was going to, I got a funny feeling in that moment that this is going to be serious. I've always said that, that the day Kobe died. Yeah, we were coming home that day. That's the day Kobe died. We're driving on the 405 guys. There were leaves. It was a great day and there were leaves. And the leaves were just moving on the 405 in a way that I'd never saw before, like in a circle. And then another time I saw it in Burbank. When I went to Burbank and I saw the leaves like that, I went to the Cuban place to get food, takeout before we moved. Like it was July, so they had

Starting point is 01:01:28 loosened up restrictions. Portos wasn't even open. They had fucking paper towels or something on the windows. You had to meet the girl outside and then she gave you a time. You had to come back an hour late and get the food. It was a nightmare. Disaster. And I go, fuck it. I just go over to the record store and went to the record store and the record store was closed. I'm like, fuck. And I remember going back to Portos and just getting out of the car. I'm just awake on the street half hour. I don't give a fuck. And I saw people jaywalking in Burbank, which you never see. You never see people jaywalking in Burbank. I saw a bunch of people jaywalking. Let's just say I didn't see the kind of people you see in Burbank jaywalking.

Starting point is 01:02:13 It was not a good crew that I saw jaywalking. And I remember when I looked at them, the wind was blowing the same way. And I go, you know what? It's time to get out of the fucking alley. And that was that was my final decision because the way the leaves were blowing that day from on the way back from Atlanta, I still say that was the day we went into a different doom. The day Kobe died. I don't know what Kobe had on him. I don't know if he was sat with Jesus or hung out with Copernicus. I don't know what Kobe had or what power he had. God rest his soul. But whatever happened that day, it's fucked up, but it's true. It was like a month before less than a month. I remember standing on January 26th, your front lawn on March 14th. It was that Saturday.

Starting point is 01:03:00 The store closed down like Thursday night. I did a spot at the ice house on Friday the 13th. I think it was or it might have been that Saturday night, whatever it was. Everybody still thought it was going to be two weeks. The whole narrative was two weeks and we were on your front lawn and the sky was it looked like the beginning of flash Gordon was made the merciless with messing with the way it was that end of the world apocalypse sky. And you looked at me, you go, Steve Simone, pray, I do not have a good feeling about this. You hit it right on the nose. And then I remember July and you go, you got to, you got to leave. We're all going to leave. We're like the Marines. No man left behind. I remember you saying that. Nobody's left behind because I didn't want to be

Starting point is 01:03:43 responsible. I didn't want to be here and hear that league. I hit by a call. Right. You say man. I'm like, I got to go back out there, get the body. You know, I remember when you saw the guy get hit in the head with a bat or something on Kowenga. And that's when you called me the Lancashire. You go, we're leaving. Done, done. And then I saw the, the white dude hit the black prostitute in front of CVS studio city at 10 in the morning. When the fuck does that happen in studio city? Never. There's 10 in the morning. You know, dog, come on. I'm not trying to be racist or cutie. Listen to studio city. They had three or four black people. They owned the barbecue place that we used to go to.

Starting point is 01:04:22 Remember on Fridays, they had the gum ball and shit like that. They had the big family. Oh yeah. It was delicious. Delicious. They were the brothers. Delicious. When that pandemic hit, there was just an unreal amount of people that you would not see in those neighborhoods, whether they were African American, whether they were Mexican. I mean, it was just crazy. Sherman Oaks was just homeless people during the daytime. It was just homeless people smoking meth and broad daylight. Here's right in the middle. I feel like LA gets a bad rap. I'm very happy not to live there anymore. LA as a, if you think about it is a great place to live. The problem is there's too many people.

Starting point is 01:05:04 That's the problem. I think the food's not great. There's some, there's some stuff that you can eat, the beach, the weather is great. It could be really great. There's just so many people. Brenner's had a great joke. He goes, everybody's complaining about the pizza in LA. He's like, who moved that way for pizza? He goes, you move here to do something. For me, it wasn't, listen, for me, it wasn't, you guys know, I love the Congress. And you guys know, I loved the ice house and I loved fucking everything about it. I'm a California. I'm an everywhere guy. Me too. There's really not been anywhere I've never really liked. I love Colorado. I love New Jersey. I think the only thing that's a difference between

Starting point is 01:05:52 California. Well, I can't even say this because if you live in San Francisco and you're an architect, you don't really experience that. We were in a very weird business guys. We were in a business that I hate to tell you this. You know what? You wouldn't sell your soul for a fucking degree, a lawyer degree. No, you wouldn't even sell your fucking soul to be a doctor. No, but you would sell your soul to be on a stupid TV show. Yeah, people have lost to walk into a club to be VIP. That it's, it's so you see the women out there that everybody wants to be Kim Kardashian and you see it's not the food. It's not the beach. It's not the and it's not even the money. No, it's the same. That's what they want. They want

Starting point is 01:06:36 fame and they'll do anything for it. And that little thing in the back of your head, having that constantly dwarfs what you see in your reality. Yeah, there's a brokenness there. But I used to pray. I used to feel like Noah. I felt like for the last few years I was building an arc in LA. I go, Lord, I can't take this much. You got to get me out of here. What am I doing here? Because it was like, I love this store. I've made amazing friends. Amazing friends. I hope LA comes back better than ever. I mean, I mean, best years of my life were in Los Angeles, but there's a brokenness. There's a darkness in that city. And I'm telling you, the last time I was in LA, I felt like it was the beginning of a horror movie. It just felt like something bad was

Starting point is 01:07:19 going to happen. And I don't know that could have been in my head because I live in the middle of a cow pasture now where it's the Bible Belt. There's a church on every corner. People have guns. It's the opposite. Amazing warm people. I love where I live. But when I was in LA, it creeped me out. I remember just waking up going, I have to leave. It was a Saturday morning, a car flipped over on sunset. On Saturday morning, exploded like a movie. The valet comes running and he goes, don't send any guests west on sunset. I go, you know, I was in line to get something fixed in my room. And instead I checked out. I used miles to fly out of Burbank. My flight wasn't for six more hours. I went upstairs, packed the bag, Ubered out. I'm like, it's 10 o'clock. I'm leaving. I saw two

Starting point is 01:08:01 naked homestudes, like whatever drugs are in LA now or out of a horror movie. They had sword. One guy had a sword. The other guy had a bat, buck naked in the middle of the street fighting. And I go, I felt like a lot. And his wife, I'm like, I'm not turning around. I'm getting to the Burbank airport. And that's it. So I hope now when I go back, it's better. And that's what I might do. I might take a connecting flight to go to Burbank. I'm going to go back in June to see some of my old friends and do a few open mics. I'm, I'm just not, it's worth, because, and by the way now, almost all flights have stops. It's very rare. I've flown a couple of times and they got rid of almost all the flights. I would fly to three times as expensive. I'll fly from here to Vegas.

Starting point is 01:08:45 Yeah. And take a Southwest from Vegas to fucking Burbank. Burbank. That's really smart. Yep. That's the way to do it. That is genius. That's the way to do it. Fly like Delta from here to there. Nice. And then that Southwest, that's genius for a fucking hour. And you could even land and catch like a two hour. So I could leave here at six land in Vegas at 11, get something to eat. Yeah. Get my luggage and go right back upstairs to Southwest. That's not even fucking. Go through security again. No, no, that's shit. No, you have to, if you get your luggage, but I'm not going to fly here, from here to Southwest to Vegas. That's not happening. No, my ass. No, I'm 60. My ass will blow up now. That little chair and

Starting point is 01:09:30 fucking peanuts. And if there's somebody with an allergy, I don't get my peanut. I'll stab them, motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Not now, not, not, not, not Southwest. You gotta, you gotta, and Southwest, look at their fares. They're not fucking around. You know, every week Southwest has a $49 sale. I swear to my mother. Not go anywhere though. Yeah. 30 years. I've never got a $49 fare. They advertise 69 go anywhere. Go ahead. Five day. That's like the D group. Yeah. If your lifestyle wet, your ABC group, if you're C, you're a fucking mutt, just hang yourself. And if you're D, you're fucking those poor people. Oh my God, those poor people get like a Southwest ticket and don't know they have to check in and then get to the airport

Starting point is 01:10:19 and you see them get like C 59 and they're waiting and they're waiting, then they get on the plane and all they're looking at is middle seats. It's a fucking nightmare. And you, and you have a middle seat, but you're like doing everything you can. So they're not to sit next to you. I got the knife out. I'm shaving and you had a rule when we would fly Southwest from Burbank to Vegas, when we go to Vegas, and we'd get on in the back and you would take the aisle out and I would sit the window and you'd be like, look fat and big. So no, we're sitting in the middle seat. Nobody was in the middle seat. Nobody wants to sit next to fat, sweaty guy. And when they come off, you go, man, I just had some Taco Bell. They'll fucking won't get on the plane. They'll go fuck. We'll take the

Starting point is 01:11:04 next flight. There's two little chubby dudes back there reeking of Taco Bell with a weird look on that face. Lee, you've had a weird look on your face since you ate that out of the bowl last night. What's going on with you? Oh, you think so? This is all new to you now again. You got out of shape. Everybody's always talked about in training. Got to be ready in the training. You got out of training. Now he's going up there with the new edition of ABX. You know what I'm saying? There's no more mistakes for training. Jesus. Look at this chunk right here. If you can figure out how many fucking pieces are here, I'll give you this whole thing. Can you imagine this? A carnival game? Guess how many jelly beans are on the jar? It's a hundred bucks to guess, so.

Starting point is 01:11:52 Oh my god, Joe. Look at this. That's how to live, cocksuckers. That's a bag. It's Monday, you cocksuckers. You didn't think I was showing up with the three amigos. Can you imagine this putting this in your freezer bag? And it smells right through the bag. You can smell this motherfucker through the bag. We got the white truffle. We got more white truffle. It's that type of fucking party. We're going to go eat tonight. I'm excited. Lee's going to be fucking pale. Oh, I'm so excited. We're going to go to a couple different places. We don't know where to fuck. We're going to go yet, but it's going to be fucking tremendous, man. I'm happy you guys took the time to come down. Thank you for having me. And visit. You know, it's, uh, I got a message yesterday that

Starting point is 01:12:38 they were looking at a Reddit thing and they were talking about me doing heroin. Like, you know, and the guy's like, what is going on with people, you know, like that they could have sworn when we were on the church, we did heroin or something. Anyway, and I said, you know, what's that? Yeah, we're doing coke. They had video. The guy was running, uh, the YouTube site. He ran a YouTube site about us. Then we fucking reported him. He's like, well, I got a video of you guys snorting coke. And I'm like, well, I call Lee Lee. They got videos of us snorting coke. I guess it's

Starting point is 01:13:16 two actors playing us because we had the fucking, we had that Dunkin dust in there. We got fucked up that day. We never snorted coke. No, we never snorted coke. We did that other shit. And you, and you hate needles. How are you going to do heroin? Listen, people are just, it's like right now we're living in a world like, yeah, people just say shit and they wish it stays like the guy who said, uh, you know, it's like the guy who said, uh, you know, fucking justify the police. What's that? Stumble the police. What was that thing? After, and then we did it. Now we're asking for money. Oh, defund the police. Somebody said, defund the police. That's a great idea. Defund the police. Everybody jumped on it.

Starting point is 01:14:00 It wasn't that good of a fucking idea. It wasn't that good of a fucking idea. And now all those places that defund, they're looking to fucking pick up extra fucking money to get them back. You know, so whoever's talking stupidity is like, listen, we did heroin. We did coke. Take that look off your face. I'm looking at that knife. You look like I fucking farted a garlic fart next to your cocksucker. Not yet. I'm sure it's coming. No, fuck, that's great. No, people are crazy. People are crazy. And it's, I, you just can't, you can't worry about it. People are crazy. Even like in daily life, like people send people like that. I had to, I got on TikTok for like a week. I wasn't making anything, but I had to delete it because it was addicting because you

Starting point is 01:14:47 would just swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe. But it, what's big on there right now is like people fighting videos and like cameras, like people, like yelling at people. Like, yeah, you can't worry. People are fucking crazy. And that's why we stay home. Like you were talking about like, oh, being in LA is great when you're trying to be something and do, but it's also like at a certain point, you're like, okay, is all the other shit in LA worth it? So we'll do that. And then at some point, it's not worth it. And so now you're like, yeah, I'm a little bored, but I also don't have to do a valet parking at Starbucks. Everything's easier. Everything. I'm not joking. They have valet, valet parking at Starbucks. If you wanted to go to the 7-Eleven, you'd have to go around

Starting point is 01:15:29 the block four times to find a place to park. And I never lived in Hollywood. I only lived in the valley and I wouldn't even go to Ventura on Friday and Saturday because it's like, I don't want to. I just can't, like even that, what was near there? The, what was, uh, Crave in Studio City with that Trader Joe's parking lot? Yeah, that parking lot was always a disaster. It's just, and now it's like, what's worth it? Right. Yeah. Like, yeah, I'm bored. I'm bored sometimes, but I get to have, I have a dinner with my mom every night for like a year and a half. 100% so. It's like, okay. I have a life. Like you, you said you were at home with your parents in LA now. I mean, in Florida, when you were in LA, how often did you get to see them twice a year?

Starting point is 01:16:13 Forever. Three times a year for where I am right now. Just filled with gratitude. Yeah, yeah, it's a better way to play this video for you guys. What do you find these things? We're going to send this to Mike. He's going to put this here. This is the way we're ending the fucking show this week. This is a rapper here. This is the best rap video ever made. And what you're about to see is a chick. The guy that's saying make that ass move, he's handicapped. He's got like a fucking little crush. Is he blind? No, he's just handicapped. But here he goes. The chick is like a low run chick. Look at homie here. Look at him. Look at him. Oh, no.

Starting point is 01:17:02 But the handicapped guy falls. Right. Without missing a beat. Now that's the way to end the fucking show. Make that ass move. Watch the brother with the handicapped, then give it to Mike. Mike's going to have to send it to himself. So we're in the show with that video. I wonder if you could put a copyright on this YouTube video. Like I own that. I don't make that mess. No, that's a Reddit video. It was voted by Reddit as the best rap video of all fucking time. Make that ass move. What about Holy Falls? Are you fucking? You're going to love it, guys. Another fun filled episode of the fucking joint on a Monday. You bad motherfuckers. Make that ass move, move, move. I love you,

Starting point is 01:18:01 cocksuckers. Have a great day. Stay black and we'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday. Tip top, Magoo. Just make that ass move, move, move. And now for a word from our sponsors. All right, you fucking savages. I want to thank Steve and Lee. It was great to see him. We're going to go out to get a bite to eat and smoke some more dope. If you're around, we'll bump into you. But if not, the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. A lot of us will drop anything to help somebody out. But how often will you give yourself the same treatment? Listen, we invest in ourselves here. I invest in myself every day by exercising. I go to acupuncture, nice to cats. BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to take care of the most important

Starting point is 01:18:54 relationship you have, the one you have with yourself. I love BetterHelp. It's no drama, very easy. Sign up, ask for my girl Dana. And within weeks you'll be rolling. Usually right now, you can't even get a therapist. BetterHelp will have a therapist for you within 48 hours. You understand me? And it's much more affordable than in-person therapy. And you're going to love it. BetterHelp is online therapy, offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions. Now, if you don't want to be on tape, you don't have to. Give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp Online Therapy. The joint is sponsored by BetterHelp and all you savages. I'm going to get you 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Again, betterhelp.com slash Diaz.

Starting point is 01:19:49 And after you get your head together, I'm going to make you some money this weekend. With DraftKings. Unbelievable. Join the biggest college basketball tournament of the year this weekend with DraftKings. I know it's Monday, but I'm trying to get you motherfuckers ready because I'm fucking excited for this weekend. New customers. You get five hours on any team to win, and you get 200 hours of free bets if your team wins. Who's better than Uncle Joey? Nobody. If sportsbook isn't your thing, let me tell you something. DraftKings pools are the best. Right now, everyone can play for free all month long with a shot to win over $250,000 in prizes. Are you ready for that? All year long, you're telling people how much you know about college basketball

Starting point is 01:20:33 will put your fucking level to the test. Let's win $250,000 at DraftKings, but it starts with you. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app. Download the DraftKings Fantasy app. Use promo code Joey. Bet five hours on any college hoop team to win and get 200 hours and free bets if they do. If they win, you win with promo code Joey. This week at DraftKings Sportsbook, gotta be 21 over, and restrictions do apply. The join is also brought to you by the best. You understand me? Stamps.com, whether you have a small business or a big business, the time you put that into your business is a lot. Time is money. Print official postage right from your computer and save thousands of dollars with Stamps.com. Spend less time at the post office and more time making your

Starting point is 01:21:25 customers happy. Like I told you in the beginning, my wife has been with Stamps.com close to 12 years now. We love it. It's easy. You measure the packages, you weigh out the packages, you print up the label, you put up the little wing on your post box, and the mailman shows up 20 minutes later. Stop overpaying for shipping with Stamps.com. Sign up with promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y for special offer that includes a four week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code Joey. It's that simple. I want to thank BetterHelp. I want to thank DraftKings and I want to thank Stamps.com. But most importantly, I want to thank you fucking savages for always

Starting point is 01:22:14 having my back. Stay black. I love Lee. I love Steve. I love Mike. And I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday morning. Tip top. Magoo.

Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #150 | LEE SYATT & STEVE SIMEONE | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

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