Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #150 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 12, 2014

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There you go. CockSuckers. This is what I'm talking about. It's fucking Wednesday, cocksuckers. Sounds like a bad dream. What? Kick that motherfucker, Lee. Kick it.

Don't make me make you wiggle, cocksucker. Wiggle that car away. It's Wednesday, February 12th. Abe Lincoln's birthday and the day the devil was buried in sea. We're here, back at you. The church of what's happening now in full effect, motherfuckers. Fat man alert today.

What? What's going on, Lisa? Yeah, you bad motherfucker. I just, what are you giggling about? My entire life dream is to see Mercy at like seven, and you two just going out like right before school, just like head banging to this stuff. It's going to be, I can't wait to see it.

What am I going to do? What do you got to bring up my soy notes for? I missed that little fuck. The house is quiet. It's fucked. I bet. Fuck. Last night in the middle of the night,

one of the cats jumped in the playpen and landed on top of one of those Team Umizoomi dolls. And the thing started, but things started singing that fucking one in the morning. I popped up and went out there. I thought my baby was back, but it was one of the cats looking at me like, what, did I do something wrong? And he was looking at the team.

Like the thing was singing. Whatever the fuck she sings. It's Wednesday, February 2nd. How you bad motherfuckers doing? So they get up, wash your pussy. Life is waiting. You bad motherfuckers. How was your day yesterday, Lee?

Would you get a couple podcasts? Yeah, two podcasts. You drank your fucking Nyquil on the rocks. You're back. No, yeah. It's amazing how antibiotics work. It's weird. I dread going to the doctor.

So I just, I put it off, put it off and it always happens. Yeah. There's what happens. Are you taking yogurt for the antibiotics to put the fucking shit back in your stomach? Because that shit shoots, that kills everything in those antibiotics. Really?

Yes. You got to eat some yogurt to keep your fucking, to put all those things back in your stomach. Well, they said to eat with food and then one of them causes constipation. One of them causes shit. So I've been shit and blood lately. Not blood, but good ones.

All right, good. As long as you're healthy and from now on, you got to take care of yourself. What do you got there? You got some teas, you got some water. Orange juice. Look at you, some orange juice. Oh, shit.

Joe fucking blade in the morning. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Trust me. I know half the country's covered with ice and snow and all that shit, but fuck it. Stay in. You know, when that shit happens, you prepare yourself. You tell the guy the night before,

it ain't going to happen, dawg. I got more fucking thighs. You go to the drug dealer's house. You put a 20 on the fucking cusp. You go to your supermarket. You get yourself some salami and some cheese. And you prepare yourself. That's it.

You know, what else are you going to fucking do? Yeah. This is it. And for kids in school, you know the deal. Now you're going to have to stay in school till fucking June 38. You know, what are you going to do? I'm not, you know, and they make such. What was the vice president to Clinton?

Al Gore. Gore. And he made the stuff off about global warming. Yes. And over the last few years, you know, we've seen either it gets hot and extremes or it gets really fucking cold and all this bad weather. We're having like this year.

Yeah. You know, they're really comfortable with the snow. He talked about this. Is this not part of global warming? I think it is. I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it.

I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it. Smart people that listen to this shit. I think global warming is real. I mean, it makes sense. What we evolve when it gets colder and it gets fucking warming, the weather gets a little bit more fucking intense.

I mean, who would have dreamed that Jersey was going to get flooded in the last year and get there by a fucking hurricane? Something's going on. Yeah, something is going on. What we evolve? And now, you know, I talk to my friends every day and it's fucking cold.

They say it's been fucking cold. They say, you know, and these are guys that grow up and they're in it every year. So it's like second nature to them. You know, when I was growing up in these coasts, it was second nature to me. I had it down. You get up in the morning, you fucking take a shower,

you put some hot cocoa on, you go outside, you start the fucking car, and you watch it from your window as you drink hot cocoa for 30 fucking minutes. Then you go out and scrape the fucking windows. Then you turn the fucking thing on for the wind. It's a process. It's a fucking process and driving and it sucks.

You know, could you live back there now at this point after what you do here? Not happily. What were we saying yesterday? We were 5'30 having coffee yesterday. And you did a t-shirt and it was 70 degrees out. No, I mean, not happily. I could do it.

It's all about, you make choices. Like I lived in the city. So I wasn't even driving. I was walking through it. So you make a choice about where you're going out. You make sure you're food in your house. And then fucking, it's a horrible way to live, but it's not that bad.

It's only a two-month, it adds to that life, you know, it adds to what you're doing sometimes. It is fun when you have a girl though. Yeah, it's, you know. When you can just be stuck in the house. This morning I was talking to George, having a way over here. And then we were thinking about,

he was telling me how cold it was. And if you've ever been to Englewood, you know, to Englewood Cliffs and Englewood, when you get to Englewood, I forget what the main street is. You make a left and you go down a hill. You got to go down this fucking hill. Oh, I can't imagine doing it in your town.

Fuck. This was an Englewood. This was a couple of times away. It's what John Travolta's from. Bill Willoughby's from. And I remember this had to be the winter of 85, which is damn near fucking 30 years ago. Jesus Christ.

And I remember walking down a hill to go get a job at a lumber yard. And it was wide open. And I remember getting to, like I think about the coldest I've been in. And it wasn't Colorado. That's the weirdest thing. I lived in Colorado all those years.

And I don't remember a time in Colorado where I was as cold as I was January in Jersey. Yeah. On the top of that hill. And the wind coming off the Hudson. Oh, the water really did. The back of my ears. And then the wind coming the other way.

And my face felt like cracking. And the tears were frozen. And your eyeballs can't fucking move. And your ears are just unbearable. Like you can't even, and you have clothing on. Yeah. You have protection on. So that was 30 years ago.

I know that today, like one of my buddies, Bartulowicz, posted it's fucking cold today. You know, he works in the city on a skyscraper or whatever. And he tells you how the fuck it is. I don't know. My heart goes out to you, people. And I know that we have a lot of Canadians in Ottawa. And my girl M.B. Leaf.

They get, it gets fucking cold from up there. What I remember thinking, even when I lived there, thank God I didn't have like an outside job. I couldn't imagine working in a lumberyard in the cold. Because like, at least, at least when you're in school or whatever you go in and go warm up, if you're at a job. Like I worked at a movie theater in that time when I was in college.

And yeah, you're cold from the train to the door and stuff, and then you're warm all day. But fucking, I can't imagine having to use your hand when it's that frigid cold. And you can't really move with the gloves. So you have to take the gloves off sometimes. Got to take the gloves off, put them on, nail, put them back on.

Oh my God. Put the nail in your mouth. You know, I did a, I didn't do my, I did a, in high school I worked at a rental lumber and marine on Tonley Avenue in the winter. And you had to do, you had to shovel. Oh fuck. You had to stock the wood.

You had to clean the snow off the wood. And then stock wood. You know, so you had to take the sheets off there, stock the wood, put the old sheets back on top so you get rid of them first. And if it was a heavy snow, it must have been a fucking hard, cause it's heavy. Like people don't think snow is heavy.

If it snows all night and you have to, oh. It's fucking heavy. And then the best experience I had was moving to Colorado. That was fucking real, because it only takes Joey Diaz to move to a place where that was the year that it snowed 26 days in a row. And I fucking, the 83, the winter of 83, they had like 26 days in a row with 21 days in a row.

You can look it up and get back to me. And those skeptics are gonna come out and go, Joey, what the fuck? It was so fucking bad. And they were paying snow shovels, 20 bucks an hour for roofs. Oh yeah, fuck. To shovel roofs.

They were getting 25, 20 an hour. Me, fuck that shovel on a roof, shit with ropes around you, fucking waste. I shovel snow on the bottom and I was getting 12 an hour. If you shoveled the fucking, but it's weird how that year, my introduction to all that snow, I got a job shoveling, but I got a job shoveling to case the houses.

Because there was a lot of drug dealers that lived in these apartment buildings. They were called Creeside. Yeah. So I would shovel snow, basically, just to case who was leaving, who was going skiing, how much time I had, you know. And then I would, my buddy Jimmy Burkle,

God bless his soul, made me a tool that since all the doors in the buildings were the same, he made me a tool to bust into all the doors. That's hysterical. Lee, it was, you know, it was like stealing, where it was stealing. Right, it was like stealing.

It's a, that's one of the jobs that it must, like that would be perfect if you listen to podcasts because they can't imagine shoveling the sidewalks while it's snowing. Oh, I would get up in the morning. I just, I fucking just did this. I would get up in the morning and do fucking four or five bong hits and I lived where I shoveled.

So I lived in D12. So all I had to do was walk outside of my door, pick up shovels and say, they paid you 12 cash an hour. You could get paid daily or he would pay you cash at the end of the week and an envelope on Fridays. And they was Joe Coffey. He's still alive and he still has the same fucking job. Jesus.

And I did this every fucking day. And then after that, you know, every job, I remember going to Colorado Mountain College taking courses. And one of the courses I took was electronic residential wiring. I took it because it was three credits. Okay. I had taken like a history class, like a math class,

like a core basic math class and something else. I'll never forget this. And it'll get me a job because I took the thing and I became a residential wireman. And I was in the union now in Colorado. And the day before Christmas, it was a whiteout and aspen. And this was when they were building a new ski resort. They were building a new gym.

It was right off Route 82 there. It was, I don't know what it was called. And I had me and Greg Yeager. It was Yeager Electric. I'll never forget this. Two days before Christmas, my first or second day working with him, I had already worked for an electrician. It was like one of the worst whiteouts in Colorado history.

And me and him installed an outside panel board. So where the power comes from, the pole and the board, that's what we installed because they had to start breaking ground and shit like that over the holidays and all that stuff. I'll never forget fucking, you know, just wiring. Like, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I was just out there handing him tools. Basically, and then shoveling off the area

and keeping the panel fucking clear from the snow. And I remember going on and going, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm 20 years old. I'm gonna have to do this for 40 fucking years. I can't imagine that. I can't, I respect those people so much. Because I couldn't do it, I don't think. Well, you get used to it.

You get used to it and you- I don't think I have the skill to do it. Well, we all don't have skills to do everything. Like, I'm horrible with car mechanics. You know anything about car mechanics? Nothing. That's one of my biggest regrets. In high school, I was in auto shop.

I took auto shop. Mr. Panicucci had one arm. His one arm got killed and shopped off in Vietnam. I didn't even hit you with the stub. I dropped out. No, he was woodwork. I dropped out of auto shop on like the second day because I got into a film class.

So thank God it happened. But I wish I- Terrible car. I can't change the tire. I can't do the oil. I could change the tire. I could change the oil on the old cars. You know, get under there, pop it up a little bit,

loosen the fucking thing. I'm not sure I could. I just don't know where to start. I could change the air filter and I could do that. That I could do. I learned that over the years working at dealers. I know about flat tire. I don't like doing it.

I get scared because I heard people got killed with jacks. Fuck, really? Yeah, the jack pops up and shit. People get killed with jacks, cars fall. That's a fucking nightmare. So I don't like those things. I was horrible with bicycles. I was horrible with bicycles.

When I was a kid, the best thing that happened I had a kid next to me. And I got to tell you something, guys. This is how loyal I am. If there's not a week that I don't look this kid's name up, I'm lying to you guys. That's how much I miss him. I yearn from parts of my past just to ask kids certain questions.

And this motherfucker lived right next door to me. If anybody knew anything about me, he was this kid growing up. And he was a fucking nerd. He was a nerd, but I loved him. I loved him at an early age. I fell in love with the kid. He lived on top of Kathy Ortiz, who was a Jehovah Witness. That was the first time I ever dealt with a Jehovah Witness.

And our family used to have to knock on your door and my mother would tell you to get the fuck out of here. It was embarrassing. And Kathy Ortiz was a sweetheart of a girl, but she was the first person I ever dealt with that didn't get up during the national anthem in school. They're not supposed to salute the flag. It would burn me to fuck up.

It would burn me to fuck up. I didn't understand what religion wouldn't let you salute the flag. And I always wanted to say something to her, but A, she lived right next door to me. I mean, right next door to me. And B, she was such a sweet girl. And I figured that she was doing it because of parents. They had nothing to do with her.

Her parents were pretty straight. But the kid that lives upstairs, his name was Valentin. I've spoken about Valentin many a time before. And in the documentary? Because he, did we talk about him in the documentary? Yeah, I could. When he took the bicycle and went down the hill, and he shook the fucking fellow with the handlebars,

then there was the other time when the candle I saw blew up his leg and went through his jeans. I mean, he was like, he was a punching... There was no bullies in those days. He was life's bully. Like everything that happened that was supposed to happen to us, he took the brunt of it, you know? Because he was a daredevil.

He was the original. Those guys that jumped off of things and hit garage doors. Jackets. He was the original. He liked all that shit. He was into that shit when we were kids building ramps and going off with the skateboards and shit. He was a Cuban kid.

Very nice. His name was Valentin Ferrer. But what Valentin's real skill was, was fucking bicycles. You know how Jimmy and good fellows like to steal? And he cheered for the bad guys? This was Valentin. Valentin's life was looking at a bicycle and going,

did you ever consider putting a banana fucking thing on there and this and that? And we put the thing up and we'll make the thing make noise. He was brilliant. So Valentin's job, people would steal bicycles and bring him to Valentin's house. And Valentin's job was to stick, change it all around. Okay.

He would erase the fucking VIN number. Jesus Christ, you're a chop shop. We had a bicycle chop shop right next to him. But here's what gets better. I loved giving that terrace. I loved my house because when you pulled into the garage, you had two options. You could either go upstairs or downstairs.

Upstairs was the kitchen. And if you went downstairs, it was a lounge slash little underground bar basement. Yeah. And they had cleaned it up. They had finished it. It was beautiful. There was like paneling around the boiler room

where there was more hidden stuff. That's what Juan used to hide his guns underneath. But what the fuck was I told him about downstairs? I used to hide bicycles downstairs. Valentin would give me say, bro, Jimmy Olsen. There was this kid, Jimmy Olsen, this little Irish kid that was just dirty. He was smoking.

He's alive, guys. He's on Facebook. And this kid was, he had at 13, his teeth were already rotten. Guys, when I tell you, you know, there's people that you see have to have green teeth like mine or whatever. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, at 13, his fucking teeth were rotten people. From smoking?

From smoking and not brushing them and eating sugar. He didn't have teeth. He had the stems. Oh, no. He was down to the stems. And some of the teeth were still there. And you could see the cavities in his teeth. And he talked to you, but he always smoked.

He smoked since he was like fucking eight. Oh, no. He had fucking, it was just a nightmare, but he was such a sweetheart. And he was a tremendous bicycle thief. You see what I'm saying? I got to turn this motherfucker off. This motherfucker off.

He was a tremendous bicycle thief. So between him and a couple other fucking kids, Valentin was always fucking hopping. You understand me? Always hopping. There was always something going on with bicycles in him. And there's not a week that goes by that I don't think about this kid because he was such a dear friend.

He was, he was my first introduction of having groups of friends and moving on. What I mean by that is I hung out with Valentin from three to five. After five, I don't know what happened to Valentin. He had to go home for dinner. Time wise, not age wise. Time wise. Yeah.

I would see Valentine in the summertime. Yeah. I see Valentine from nine in the morning. If my vision of Valentine closing my eyes right now is him with a bike turned upside down and him fucking wrenching the back tire. That's Valentin. He always had a bicycle on that fucking driveway.

There was always a bicycle upside down with the two tires up in the air spinning. He was checking to see if the rims were wobbly. I mean, he was just amazing. And that's how I fucking remember Valentin. And one week I wish I could just bump into this kid and go, what the fuck happened to you? Because I don't think he lived next door to me

by the time my mom died. But I can't even think that far back. Like I can't, I was talking to Nick Tertura. It's so weird that you talk about your memory and whatnot. I talked to Nick once a week about anything, stupid shit, what goes on with his life, audition. And he was telling me he sat down with Vinny Curdo.

Oh well, right, for dinner. And they talked about a script that Vinny Curdo's got. You know, what a lot of people don't know about Vinny Curdo when I bring him on here. Now he's a boxer and stuff, but he's a tremendous writer, guys. Guys, when I mean tremendous, I mean, when he gives you something that he's written, you actually look at him and look at the thing and go, nah.

But he's a fucking idiot. Savant like that. He's just a great writer. And he's got two or three scripts, one of them I read. And that's the one Denero and Marky Warburg bought from him in 1997, which was never made, where Denero was going to play Angelo Dundee and Marky Warburg was going to play Vinny Curdo.

And it's just a fucking brilliant story. It takes you to Vegas, Sinatra, Vito, Interfermo. It's like him. It's like talking to him, you know? So I said, I called him next day, I go, Nick, how'd it go? And he goes, Joey, I don't know what, that guy is the best kept secret in Hollywood. He's untapped talent.

And I go, let me give him a call and see how he thought about the meeting. Doug, do you know I called him the next day and I go, hey, how you doing? What's going on? He goes, nothing, I'm on a bus. I go, why are you on a bus, too? Vinny goes, the mental hospital, right?

This is straight business. So I go, hey, so you met with Nicky? He goes, Nicky, who? I go, Nicky, Nicky. He goes, I don't know no fucking Nicky, Joey. I didn't meet with no Nicky. I go, did you not go out to Nick the other night to dinner?

And he talks about the script. He goes, Joey, I don't know. I go, Nick to tour. He goes, oh, Nick to tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, I forgot that for a second. You know, it's so fucking crazy that I have the same traits. If you asked me what I had for lunch yesterday,

I don't fucking know what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can tell you what happened in 1981 verbatim. Yeah. You know, I don't know if that's the reefer. I don't fucking know what the fuck it is. But it's just so weird, the things you remember, the things you don't remember that you're mind is selective with.

And I always just think of Valentine. I just like this. So if anybody knows. And no one, no one's heard from him? He wasn't. Valentine was a Spanish kid that was brown. And he spoke with a Spanish accent. And he wasn't very popular.

He didn't play sports. Like I said, he was what today, what they call nerd. He was that guy. He was very technical with his hands. He was always fixing something. He was very quiet. You know, I don't remember him doing drugs. I don't remember him drinking with that crew on the corner there.

You know, I don't remember a lot of things. Last, you know, they started a Facebook page, North Bergen Memories, some fucking jerk off Joey LaPorte. But I went to school with, he's like two or three years older than me. He got into beef with me on Facebook about two years ago over Mike Duffy's page. Because I was, I was goofing my friend Mike Duffy. All the guys that called in here. He always writes Christian shit.

And I'm like, hey, fuck the Christians. So he got on and tried to fucking put his two cents in. I told him to fuck himself. And we went back and forth. And the true story of it, when we were kids, he was a little older than I was. And he was into Kweilud selling drugs in the city. You know, he was going to CBGBs and all those clubs back then. And then there was a rumor that he was sucking dick in the city.

And then one day he disappeared. And the rumor was he was in the Navy. So nobody heard from him for 20 years or something like five years ago. He pops up on Facebook. And he's a photographer. And he's a fucking magician. And I've never been a magician. That's fucking not weird.

Magicians are always fucking like that. So I put this thing on Duffy's page. And this motherfucker got into it with me about a hack, whatever. And I'm like, hey, fuck you, bitch. What the fuck have you ever done? Last time I saw you, you were selling Kweilud. Then you went in the witness relocation plan for cock suckers. Nobody ever saw you again for 30 years.

And you pop up like Johnny fucking come lately. So they have this fucking page on Facebook. And I was invited to it by this kid. But then they had a beef because he said something. He was, he would watch the page all day. This is how much of a loser he was. He'd watch the page. And if a comment came in, he didn't like it, he'd delete it.

Jesus Christ. Some people have no fucking life, bro. You know, and you got to accept that sometimes. Me, I accept it. But it's like, after a while, you feel like sticking your hand to computing. Go and get it together. You don't want to hit it as briefly? No.

So get those fucking, this will get your lung going. This will get all that phlegm from the bottom. All that purple shit that's just sitting there. This will get this motherfucker going. Yes, it will. You said something earlier and I wanted to get your opinion on it. Because I learned, I forget the word now. But I know somebody who is joining.

I don't know if it's the Jehovah's Witness or something. It's one of those churches. But it's one of the ones that makes you pay 10% of your earnings. They all do. That's fucking, I can't imagine that. It's called something. It's called something. I forget the word, it's called.

I just, something of your thing and you get 10% of your fucking savings too. You know what? I go to church, I give you a fucking fin. I give you $5 if I go once a week. That's $20 at the end of the week. That's $240 at the end of the year. That's good enough. That's good enough.

If everybody fucking does that, if 10 people do that, that's $2,400, right? Yeah. Okay, man. Everybody should have at least 150, 200 people in their congregation. You want to help everybody. I'm the type of guy, you don't need to be cheap. I ain't cheap. If I got it, it's fucking yours.

And you want to help everybody, but when does it end? When does it fucking end? First off, the government takes 50 right off the fucking bat. They take 50 right off the fucking bat at the end of the year. You sit there and go, what the fuck just happened? Yeah, I'm dreading April. Yeah, and if you don't have a kid or you don't have this or that or this, they fuck you up the ass more.

So, you know, first off, I mean, no wonder we're fucking dying. Taxes are fucking high. You know, I make believe like they don't exist. They are cost of doing business. I've been in the mafia, but they're fucking high. Half. Yeah. They come in and take 40 fucking percent.

Yeah. You know, I look at my acting career is a wash. It's a wash because unless you act every week, then if, you know, Jordan called us, our friend Jordan called us. And I love Jordan. I fucking love Jordan. You know why I love Jordan? Why?

Because Jordan never tells you, talks to you about nothing, about nothing, about being hard. Something is, listen, I know it's hard to fucking get to read. Listen, it's hard to book two jobs. Do you know how the SAG works? Yeah, you have to do three jobs. You have to do two jobs. So the first one is free.

So if they give you 100,000 for a movie, that's yours. That's gratis. Then the second one that you book, you have to go see SAG and give them $2,500. And you give them $2,500 up from what's the editing one? It's the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much is the editing one? It's about $2,000 when you start.

And you're starting, and they got financing is available now. Yeah. You don't have PayPal or whatever the fuck they got you on. When I fucking joined SAG, there was no payment plan alive. They were fucking communists. They were like, it's 1250 or don't do the job. And you're like, can I pay you afterward? No.

You got to pay them up front. They don't take it out of your check after a while. That's scavenges. They'll take your foot. They'll drink the blood from a fucking dead black dude on Black History Month. They don't give a fuck, but SAG was snooty. You know, so let's pretend you joined SAG. So you paid the 25.

So let's go back to Jordan. So fucking Jordan is a type of kid that came to me a year ago, asked me a few questions, got an agent. You know, got an agent. When everybody else is telling you they can't get nothing. You know how many comedians I know that'll fucking, that don't do dick. And Jordan just fucking grabbed this career by the balls.

He's acting like every week. Every week. Every week. Facebook and Twitter. He just did a movie or something in Orange County or something. Yeah. Jordan, listen, half of these things you'll never see daylight or some of them you will. But it doesn't matter.

You're living your dream. Yeah. You know, and he took it by storm. So I got to give the kid credit. So he's got, he didn't get the job. I was like, I got him. He got him by being extras. You know, like some jobs he'll take as a lead

and some jobs his motherfucker will work as an extra, which to me is very humbling. That's fucking very, very humbling to me for somebody to do something like that. Fuck it. The same way I used to do. Some weeks I'd open up for Joe and some weeks I'd headline. Comedy clubs would call me up. My manager agent.

So you can't do that, man. It hurts for me. I don't give a fuck. I'm just trying to get better at what I do. Yeah. I'm just trying to bang it from very fucking direction. Who the fuck am I that, oh, I only headline.

Fuck you. I'll jump in the bottom slot, whatever. That's what you do when you're a fucking soldier. But all the way only shoot people. Get the fuck in there. Get that bayonet. You're stabbing the fucking kidney. You know what I'm saying?

Fuck it. It's Wednesday. You got to get excited. But uh, what was I talking about? Yeah, I forgot what I was talking about. We were talking about uh, taxes and then Jordan. So Jordan. So fucking Jordan calls me and he got his two vouchers.

He's ready. He's SAG eligible. Okay. It's $2,500. He's got the money. And his agent and a bunch of other people told him, don't go SAG, which in some circles it's smart because there's two options you could do.

You could be Screen Actors Guild, get the benefits, get the movies, get the fucking insurance, get all that shit or become SAG. And then you become something. But that you're allowed to work non-union. You just don't have to pay dues and you don't get any of the benefits.

Okay. But you're still SAG. Why be SAG if you're not going to get the benefits? Which aren't none. It's not like I'm falling over myself. It's not like you get 20% off at the clothing store or 50% off at the movie theaters. You get none of that.

Like you get 10% off at sushi in the valley and nothing. You get none of that. The only thing I use my Screen Actors Guild for is for the classes they have to offer. Okay. Because sometimes they do have great classes, like you know, for 35 bucks acting in front of the camera, whatever.

Who knows? You know, you go down there on a Monday night and you might learn something. For 35 bucks, you know, you blow 35 bucks and you go to a Mediterranean place. But follow me. Yeah. I can't see like 600 bucks for a class.

But for 35 bucks for seven weeks, what else are you doing on a Tuesday night from seven to 10? Jerking the fuck off. Watching TV. Go down there. You might learn some. You might meet somebody. You know, I don't want to go on another tangent.

But Jordan called and he goes, Joey, what do you think? And I go, join. You know, I'm very proud of you. I told him, Jordan, I'm fucking proud of you. That's what I'm talking about. There's still a couple fucking soldiers left that you wake up in the morning.

You say, I'm getting sick and tired of this happening and this is what I'm going to do. He got a fucking agent. He got Aqua as an agent. So I'm very proud of Jordan. I don't know if you'll listen. I don't know if you're still awake. I know he hangs up.

The economy stored all those savages at night. Yeah. It was for me, him and anybody, but him particularly, he comes to all the shows. He did what I, he stopped working his night job. Like six months or a year before I stopped working mine. So it's nice. It's good to see that.

Cause he's, he's just making, he doesn't have like, I have, luckily I have the podcast. He's just doing it with acting. He's just making his rent and. Listen, it's very nice to have a fucking. Everybody wants to be a Wallenda, but nobody wants to remove the net. Oh, the flying Wallenda.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. That net, Lee, is very important in life. That net that we all have naturally, that we all need to feel. If you're going to make a stride, you got to remove that fucking net.

Yeah. So remember, everybody wants to be a fucking Wallenda, but nobody wants to do life without that fucking net. Yeah. And that's where the money comes in. That's where the real happiness comes in. That's where the true satisfaction comes in. Disregard, I said money,

disregard, I say anything else. That's where the true satisfaction comes in. You know, I go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu. And sometimes I go on Jiu-Jitsu pages and I read pages, web pages, you know, I'm not doing anything. I'll read like Cabrini's webpage, or I'll read like Eddie Bravo's webpage, and I'll say at the end that this is what you gain from Jiu-Jitsu.

You gain confidence, you gain mobility, you gain, you lose weight, you get stronger. Those things are all great. But the most important thing you gain is the sense of doing something. For me, yes, that went to Jiu-Jitsu and a fucking Japanese woman that weighs a third of me, fucked me up yesterday.

Really? Yeah. Now me being me, I should have been depressed. I should have pulled ahead and made me suck my dick or something. I understood it, because for me it's something else Jiu-Jitsu. Then the guy smaller than me was beating me up for a little while, you know, until I took control. But guess what, Lee?

I made the class. I did all the drills. I stayed till 230. That's what you get from doing little things. Yeah. Whether it's going to the gym, whether it's going to the library and writing for yourself and seeing, this is all part of a process we do here at the church.

There was nobody. Listen, man, guys, I wish I had a camera or I wish I had something that would tape what was in my mind before I got on that fucking car and went on the road for triple the first time. Or the first time I got in the car and moved to Seattle with $300 in my pocket. How about coming to LA with $180 cash in your pocket

and living in an RV with a stripper? That's how I came into this town. I didn't come into this town with $12,000 and a credit card and a fucking car and a trust fund or a parent that I could call. I came in here with nothing. So don't tell me about safety nets. When you have a dream, that safety net for you to move forward

has to disappear one day. Yeah. You know, and listen, man, I respect a lot of comedians that kept their day jobs and, you know, they do a couple comedy gigs at night. That made it work for them. But I don't really think they saw the beauty of what this is all about.

There's a beauty to this. And the beauty is that, Lee, on the first of the month, you could be the funniest guy in the world or the most unfunnyest guy in the world. And we both started zero. Yeah. How we fill that month is what makes you a professional. How you fill that month,

how you stay patient and go to cheap. Lee, it's the 15th and I don't have a gig. And I'm down to $80 and believe in yourself. If you went out every night and did comedy, something's going to happen. Yeah. And Lee, I will look you in the fucking face, Lee, and tell you that something does always happen.

Even if you have a gig and they go, we got to pay you a week later. At least I come to Lee and Lee. Lee, I need 300 for my rent, bro. It's 600. I got three. I got to check for four next week. At least you have that.

Yeah. You understand me? At least this is why I always tell people, keep your shit low when you become an artist or whatever fucking word you have. Because I got to always go to something and borrow $50 from my car payment. I can't borrow $650 from my BMW payment.

Yeah. So I'm going to look at you and go, you have a BMW. Sell that motherfucker and get a tricycle. Yeah. No, no, it's true. And it's funny. Like a month or so ago, I was saying to you,

I don't know how you feel your day, not having a full-time job. Yesterday, I started at 7.30 in the morning and I didn't stop until like 10 at night. And I mean, I was tired, but it was like yesterday's podcast with Rick was like one of the most fun times that I've ever had. And for free, I wasn't making any money from it,

but it was a fucking awesome time. Listen, man, in the beginning, you're not going to make money. Yeah. In the beginning, what I say to you, it's different when you go into a job from nine to five. Yeah. Than when you create your own job from nine to five.

Boy, is it different. Yeah. It's different when I'm like, and yeah, I work out of home. And like yesterday, I worked for two hours. I went to Jiu-Jitsu. I came back. I went food shopping.

I came back. I wrote for an hour. I sent some emails. Your whole day is surrounded about certain things. You know that sometimes of the day, you can't contact certain people. All this is in my head. Like I said, I have a notebook.

And it tells you in that fucking notebook, exactly what I have to do at the minute of every fucking day. Yeah. And that's the only way I'm making it happen now. But back to this conversation that I really want to touch with, because this podcast is really based on addiction, fear, you know, health. But the other part of this is going for it.

Yeah. This is what the church is about. It's going for it. And it's the biggest fucking fear we have at any level, is what we just talked about. How to go from having a job with all this going on to saying, you know what, fuck you. I'm going to make my own money.

I got fucking 400 in the bank, and I'm going to fucking make it work. My rent is 1500, and I'm going to make it work every fucking month. It takes a certain individual. Yeah. It definitely, definitely, definitely takes a certain individual. And I'll tell you, I never thought I could be that individual. I'm going to look you in the eye. I'm going to tell my fucking people who listen to this shit

that I never thought I had what it takes to get up on the first. You have to look at your month subjectively and go, wow. I got to get a car payment, insurance, child support, clothes, food, and at the end of the month, if you do the work. Joey, but what's the work? You, okay, let me tell you what the work is. Lee, what do you got Monday night? I got nothing.

The Laugh Factory didn't call. That's what a suck-ass comic says to you. Yeah. A real comic says, I got three spots. Where you going? I got a coffee shop in Canoga Park at 9.30. I got a bar in fucking Pasadena at 10.15. And I got another fucking cave I'm doing in El Rancho, Cucamonga at 12.

I'm not getting paid for any of them. Olimpatically, I'm minus 30 because it's my car and my gas. Let's say you do that five nights in a row. I'm going to tell you what happens by the third night. By Wednesday, you're going to get in your car. And you're going to go, I got a half a tank of gas. I got a check that's coming on Friday. And what the fuck am I going to do?

Well, you get in your car, you drive to that gig. And why are you at that gig? Through the grace of God, somebody's going to knock on your fucking shoulder and go, hey, man, where you going next? And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. What's his name? Fell out. Can you come over there and pick up $50?

And you're like, really? $50 fucking dollars. Go down there tonight. Yeah, let's go. And you go down there and you pick up the $50 and when you get down there, Rudy Moreno's leaving. You go, hey, Rudy, what's happening? He comes up to you and goes, hey, man.

Where you going tomorrow? And I got a gig that pays $30. You know, to the fucking people who are listening, you're like, Joey, $30 and $50. Go fuck your mother. No, when you're a beginner, that $30 and $50 is the world. That's $80 fucking bucks. That's $80 bucks you made because you got up and got off the couch. So you got $30 to pay for your gas tank and you made fucking $50,

which you could do whatever you want. You could do blow. You could buy fucking catnip. You could buy fucking cat litter or cat food. Do you understand why I'm going with this? So nothing ever happens on the couch. And I learned that from comedy, which I learned from cocaine. You know what I'm saying?

You can't make money at home. Nothing happens at home. But with comedy, I don't know how it is with music. I don't know and I know a lot of musicians listen to this. I don't know how it is with art or poetry. I don't know how it works. But I do know getting out is better than staying in. And what do you need to go out for?

Well, Joey, I need money. No, you don't need to drink. You don't need to drink. You're working. You don't need to fucking drink. It's a coffee shop. Get a fucking black coffee for 80 cents and tip or a dollar. You have.

When I lived in Seattle, I went out with a budget at night, dog. Oh, yeah. I went out with five dollars. And that five dollars had to get me a soda, nachos, and had to get me a tip. I had to get something out of that fucking five dollars. And thank God, Josh Boop showed up from time to time. And thank God, Gavin or Brodie Stevens showed up

and they had an extra two dollars. You understand me? But that's the camaraderie that comes by taking a chance. I never want anybody at home to think that, you know, you do all these good things in your life. And all of a sudden, you open up a door to being a comedian or being an actor. The most important thing is losing that fucking safety net.

That safety net. And once, let me tell you something, once you blow out that safety net, Lee, your life takes a fucking powerful. Your life gets this power to it. Now you have a value. Yeah. You're not.

And listen, man, we all need jobs. We all need help in different areas. But there's nothing like being independently free. There's nothing like waking up in the morning going today. I got to work for myself. And I got nothing coming in. But this is what I got to make happen. Yeah.

And sticking to the grindstone and sending fucking emails. And I used to do it all the time. Lee, I did it all the fucking time. You know, I used to get the breakdowns at home, which are the things that actors get to see what movies are out. And I fucking stuffed the envelopes. And by nine o'clock, I'd be in my car, Lee, with no gas in my car.

I'd be in my fucking car with no fucking gas dropping off envelopes. Because I knew Spider-Man 2. I got because I dropped an envelope off. Yeah. Can you imagine that? No. Biggest movies of the fucking year in 2005 or 2004, I got from dropping an envelope off in January at Sony.

And I remember thinking, this is the same lady who cast Pretty Woman. I forget what her name is now. You know, Pretty Woman was a huge movie in my genre in 87. When I seen this movie, Spider-Man 2, I was looking for character faces. I remember going, you know what? I'm going to do the paperwork or whatever. I'm not going to get this. But what else am I doing today?

Yeah. I'm going to recover from the cocaine I did last night. I'm going to play with the cats. I'm going to smoke pot and watch Law and Order. I go, what does it take me to go to Sony? 30 minutes and 30 minutes back. It's an hour out of my day. And usually you have to drop a package off at the office.

Yeah. I dropped it off at the gate because at Sony, I don't let you in. And they actually gave it to the people? They gave it to the people. Wow. And I got a call three months later. Three months fucking later. I dropped the envelope off in January and I got the call February, March, April.

Three months fucking later. And I booked it within two fucking hours. Like you usually have to wait. Like even grudge match after wait four weeks. No. I went into Spider-Man two on a Tuesday and by Wednesday afternoon. Baboo. Jesus.

That's awesome. No. Yeah. I mean, I'm it's, uh, it's still scary for me. I'm still on the stage where people keep calling me for jobs. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And Lee, take a job. If a job suits your schedule for a few weeks.

No, there's no job. I mean, and I don't want it. It's not that I want to. I mean, what's nobody got to do what you got to do? And just to give yourself a little, I mean, it's not. I mean, though, the thing about if I, if I took a job, I couldn't do, I mean, I don't think because I couldn't take a day one. And I couldn't, if I did a night one, I wouldn't be able to do the podcast

or the day. So it's, it's not worth it. It's not that I want to take a job. It's that like Jordan, he must have, like when you, when you first make that step, there's still a little bit of, you're still a little scared. And people still think of you as working. So they, they, they offer you the job. And it's a, it's a process of getting to the point where people don't expect you.

Like my parents still every day say, so are you planning to a job? I went, no, no, no, I'm working on the podcast. So like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Every day my dad says, so have you looked at the job boards? I'm like, no, not recently. Let me tell you something. I'm going to tell you something that's in C away.

You gain a different power also by telling these people are calling you for jobs. No. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Different powers. So now people are going to start going, don't call Lee because he's not going to take the job or they're going to go call him and offer him more money. Now you're becoming more powerful. Because you're saying, no, no, I don't want to do that.

No, no is a very powerful, especially entertainment business. So now in about a month, you're going to get the call for your job of your life. You know, 12 to two, edit, whatever, maybe an assistant. Watch, because this is how life happens. It's not life will test you in a month. Oh yeah. See what the fuck. I'm going to tell you something, but I don't mean to interrupt anybody.

I don't mean to change this like this. I mean to, I like them. I like the product. I get impressed with little things. I talked to you about Ruth Chris and Burbank. Yeah. When we went that day and you got the cheeseburger, which I bet was delicious. Yeah, it was great.

If you look at their lunch menu now, Ruth Chris, they have pulled pork sandwiches. They have cheese and grilled cheese and tomato soup for $9.99. They have a prime rib on some type of seated roll with horseradish for $14.95 for lunch. And it comes with fruit and something else. You know, and what this tells me is that Ruth Chris said, fuck it, we're not going to make a living selling $57 takes for lunch. That's a great idea in our mind, but let's create a lunch bash like the Chinese people did. The reason why we all eat Chinese food is because it's $4.95.

You get the soup, the noodles, the salad, the egg roll, the fucking spare rib. You get it all for $4.95 and it costs them $0.10. But to make a point here that in the future, you know, times are getting tougher and people got, you know, I went to Ruth Chris with Lee and my wife one day and I realized that this place was packed for lunch. I'm like, holy fuck, why is this packed? And I saw the lunch. So a week later, before my wife left that Saturday, me and her went back again because

Wano had the baby and we had to go fill out paperwork for something. So on the way back, she goes, do you want to stop at Langer's or something? Went by Langer's. We had to go downtown to the bank. It was packed. So I go, fuck, we'll just stop at Ruth Chris's Friday, Wano, and we'll get the lunch special. And this time when I was eating the lunch special, which I got the salad, the manager came over and I said, can I tell you something?

I go, I really want to thank you for making this, for everybody could eat this. Not just people working at Wano Brothers or Fox or Disney. You made this possible so everybody could come into Ruth Chris and have a great dining experience. Grilled cheese and fucking soup for $9. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. You know, that's a great deal. So I shake them.

He's like, you know, a lot of people don't thank me. You're a weird guy. I'm like, yeah, you know, the same little guy we were there. Yeah. The same little, a short guy. And I love when people create a value for you. Yeah. I love it.

You're letting me know, you're letting me know that you're in. You're not letting me know that you're fucking me in the ass. You're letting me know that you're my partner to try your product. But in a way, you've eliminated a lot of costs and made me a partner. It's a profit for me in a way to do business with you because I can't lose. Yeah. This morning I went in the shower and, you know, you go in the shower at 10 after five, you're a little tired, you hit shit, you touch shit.

That's not, I hit the rack that has the soap and the shaving. Yeah. And the thing fell, the thing fell hard. The soap, you know, shoots to the back of the thing. You got to turn around the shower and get it. And the razor blade and the handle fell and the razor didn't fall from the thing. Oh, well. And I picked it up and I started shaving with it this morning.

And this is a dollar shave club razor. And this isn't even an ad I'm putting together. This is I'm telling you people this from the heart. I've had this razor for seven months. Yeah. And this razor, I have one in the shower and one in my bag. And I've dropped the one in the bag a thousand times in different showers and hotels. This is a good fucking product.

For the dollar, the six dollars and the eight dollars. Nine. Nine dollar package. Yeah. This is not bad for every four weeks. They do everything they can to cater for you. If I was a regular fucking American today, a regular guy that had a job, I'd go on a dollar shave club or joeydeas.net, go to dollar shave club,

press in church and get the six dollar package. Now they're going to be mad at me. They're going to say, Joey, your job is to sell our product. Listen to me. I'm giving you a tremendous value here for six dollars a fucking month, which is 72 a year. Yeah. 72 a year. You're going to get four blades.

You're going to get a strong fucking handle. The one I'm telling you that this could be a fucking weapon. I'm telling you, if you click the thing, you poke someone in the fucking eye with it, you could use this as a weapon. Not only that, they have a thing that if for some reason you're only shaving twice a week and you don't want all your razors that month, you could click a thing when they email you and they'll postpone it for that month and they still owe you the four razors.

Yeah. So don't worry about it. You have razors like in the fucking bank. Let's say you got a chick with a hairy pussy that needs to shave. You email and they'll send you all your razors. Now you can save this chick's pussy. What I'm trying to say is it's a great deal, man. We all need a great deal today and it's very seldom when somebody gives it to you.

If I was you right fucking now, right now, go to joeydeers.net, go to fucking Dollar Shave Club, press Joey in there. Church. Church. I'm so sorry. Press church in there and get your fucking razor blades. Six dollars a month. You don't have, Joey, I don't have six dollars a month.

I know you got $12 a year. Go for the dollar package. Listen, they got one white Charlies that you wipe your asshole with and it smells like peppermint. You never had that. Then they also work for the nutsack too. You take the thing, you open it up and you just grab your nutsack. Like you're grabbing them like the grip of death and you just scrub kind of clockwise and clockwise. Your balls are fucking tremendous.

They got the fucking shaving cream. Trust me, go to Dollar Shave Club. I just was thinking about values and what I do for you people and what you do for me and how we trade off. And this is a great trade by you guys doing this. I don't make a dollar from you going to them one way or another. They pay me a flat fucking rate. My point is it's a great value.

You're there, you support the podcast, there you have it. Dollar Shave Club, press in church, get your fucking razor blade. Yesterday, Lee and I were at lunch or at a coffee. And I was telling Lee about, you know, we fuck around here and I kidnapped that dude, you know, Kent Vella in 1987 and I did some time over it. And it bothered me for a long time because I'm sure he suffered. You know, I'm sure that that was a long day from being tied up in a trunk of a car and getting driven around and not knowing where they're going to shoot you and not the poor fucking kid.

And I got to hold them on Facebook and we, I had them call them to the podcast and I apologized. I apologized from the bottom of my heart guys because I knew I couldn't move forward in my life unless I apologized to this kid for kidnapping him, for ruining his day and taking this fucking blow. About a week ago, I called him. Like I do with anybody who's ever been around me. I called him to check in with him and he called me back. And it must have been about nine o'clock at night. It was a Sunday night.

I think my wife, my wife was sleeping because I was on the litter room when he called back. And he sounded like he was fucking Hammond, which he probably was. The last couple of times I've spoken to him at night, he's been Hammond. And then he told me what was really going on because since I have apologized to him, we've been talking more and more. And I asked him how his job was and he says, job was great. And he told me that he was living with his mother. I didn't know that in Tucson.

And he also told me that he had had a heart attack. And I knew something was a matter because his speech was fucked up. And I got off the phone with him. And I got to tell you something, people. I felt really guilty. I felt guilty because I felt like I contributed to his bad luck afterward. But you know what? I was telling him yesterday, I don't feel bad.

I love Vella and I'm really sorry that I kidnapped him. It was a bad day for everybody. But at the same time, when I fucking came out of prison, I didn't learn my lesson. I kept fucking snorting. You know, I didn't keep thievery. I didn't keep that shit up. But I kept down with my little scams. I knew how to get money, you know.

And that could have been me, you know. That could have been me that got the heart attack. Or had to live with his fucking mother. Had to live on Lee's fucking floor for a while. You know, and it just makes me feel bad because we've discussed this two weeks ago. Where drugs, you know, the cool guy in high school, it's a fucking dead end, you know. This fucking guy was a good looking dude. This Kent Vella guy.

Good looking guys. Good fucking looking. You know, when I met him, he had gotten arrested on a DUI. And he got cut or something. He went to jail and he robbed the fucking hospital. He went to, they put him in the hospital, stitched him up or something. And while he was getting stitched up, he robbed the liquid coke from the hospital. Broke him to the pharmacy.

So you understand what his mentality was. I never wanted anybody, I did something that was very wrong. But I don't want anybody to think that I just picked this guy out of the choir and took him in for coke. You know, he knew what was on his end of the bargain. Also, and it's so weird how sometimes in life we'll take a situation if we really want to and we'll make it ours. And we'll put guilt on ourselves and they won't let you move forward. Like the first time I had this is when my mother died.

Because days later, I thought about that I heard her yelling at night. You know, and I always heard her yelling at night for me to come down and eat. But that night that she died, she was yelling for me to come down, but I didn't come down. And it could have been that she was yelling because she was having a fucking heart attack. And for maybe three months, because of my weaker side, I lived with that. And I thought to myself that maybe I could have saved her life. But we all know that when the man sends the fucking good night card, it's over. You're leaving whether Joey came down and saved her or not.

And it's so weird that I could have done so many things. I could have beat myself up. I could have ended up in counseling. I could have done so many fucking things to make that situation mine. And I knew at an early age that it wouldn't get me nowhere. So I didn't claim it. I did not fucking claim until today. I'm not going to claim it either.

She died because she died. That's just the way life is. It wasn't because I didn't run downstairs to help her when she was getting a heart attack. And the same thing goes with Vella. You know, I didn't contribute to his heart attack. I saw Vella in 94 at this club called Pearls on Pearl Street in Boulder. And I saw him at the bar. I went in there because I knew the bartender.

I knew her boyfriend. And I knew that they knew where I could get Coke. It was like 11 o'clock at night. I was desperate and I went in there and there's Vella and I asked him. And he gave me the fucking Coke. He sold me the Coke and that night he was on heroin. You know, so I was on Coke. He had already surpassed Coke.

He had Coke and he was doing heroin in his nose. So I was telling Lee that, you know, I just felt badly. I felt bad that he had a choice in life and I had a choice in life. And I'm not going to tell you that I didn't get fucked up either. Like I tell people all the time. If you watch that episode of My Name Is Earl in 2007, it's 2014 now. In 2007, this tooth was fucking black from the Coke. When you drip, that Coke goes into your nose and then it goes into your gums.

And it goes into your front teeth. That's why a lot of times all those meth people and all that shit, they get though. I had that. I didn't have meth mouth. I had Coke mouth. Oh Jesus. And you know. I didn't know that I did that.

Yeah man. When you do those fucking, that shit called the drips. That's why when people do coke. And they watch your teeth? Well, after fucking 20 years, they'll do something because it goes into that area. You do it in your nose. So it goes downward. So for some reason, this tooth is starting to turn black.

Like it was killing the fucking nerve, Lee. Oh Jesus Christ. Lee, it's fucked up. It's fucked up, man. You know, it's fucked up. But what the fuck, Lee? It's Wednesday. What's that music you had for me?

You know, music today, nothing? Who's going to call today, Lee? Nobody. I don't give a fuck. I don't want nobody to call today. It's our day today. Wash your pussy. Clean your asshole.

It's a beautiful day. It's Valentine's week. Send us some flowers. Send us some chocolate. Send us something. You want to eat that fucking monkey? You got to make it happen. Yeah.

Yeah. What's up, Lee? You don't want to take a hit out of this monster? What? Uh, with all the mommies. What? Oh, shit. Spark that motherfucker.

Do some jumping jacks. Touch your toes. Do something, you fuck. Oatmeal. Scrub the barnacles out of your assholes. It's a new day. What, Lee? Uh, let me see your wiggle for pop.

You don't wiggle for me? No more concept. Get up. You got to get up. You can't wiggle or sit down. Let me see your move. A little move like this, like big what? Oh, shit.

I love it when you call me big pop. But what? Oh, suck it. What's going on, son? What are you doing this weekend? Pause coming over, but I was just thinking about... Because, uh, I forget. I don't know why I thought about it.

But what was your process? Did you become a citizen or how did that, how did that work? Because Paula's mom is becoming a citizen today. So she's really excited. So you're not going down there with them? Get with the flags? They only, they only let one person in the room.

I'm going to go have dinner with them tonight. You bring on flowers? I got her something for Valentine's Day. You should, you should fucking play a national anthem for her in the car. And me saying shit on her, I'll make a special... A Spanish one? Talk over Spanish.

Do the national anthem regularly. Ta ta ta. Yeah. And me saying, What the fuck? La va te la papaya. Oh, she love it. La va te culo.

That means wash your asshole. Oh, she love it. La va te culo. That means wash your fucking asshole. Mama me la pinga. That means suck my dick. I love it. Today I'm going to learn a little Spanish on the church.

Let me give some shout outs, Lee. Hold on here. How about Paul Segura? How about Biff Sweetwater? How about T.A. Barker? Jimmy Dominguez? Dead Squad? Nashville?

Grand Rapids? And all other areas. I love you motherfuckers. Karina, you can't pronounce it anyway. I love you too, you dirty bitch. My people fucking water boxing. Fucking Cleo. Always in the fucking house.

I love you guys. Konstantin, the fucking kid that's in Germany. Leo, I love you motherfuckers. Leon, whatever the fucking name is. Who knows? You know what I'm talking about? Little Spanish kid in Germany. Tell me he's not fucking confused, you know what I'm saying?

What else, Lee? You're sitting there looking around all fucking confused. No, I got a valid- Talk to me about Hulu. Fuck Valentine's. Talk to me about Hulu Plus. You get two weeks for free. Yeah.

You get original programming. You get TV shows. You get movies. You get documentaries, correct? I will get all that shit. Well, how much a month? Seven, two weeks for free, $7.99 a month. And remember, the webpage gives you one week for free

because you're a church member and you're over here eating with us. Boom, you get two weeks for free. That's how we put it together. Hulu Plus, go to joeideas.net. Go to the Hulu Plus box press, Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y. Get two weeks for free.

That's right, two weeks for free. Come again, two weeks for free. How many weeks, Lee? Two weeks for free. $7.99 a month after that original programming shows like Brooklyn Nine-Nine. You're gonna get fucking movies. You're gonna get to doing with Seth Meyers.

It's just tremendous. Go to Hulu Plus. You will not be fucking sorry. My wife was watching Hulu Plus yesterday in Nashville with the baby. That's how strong Hulu is. No matter where you go, on your fucking phone, on your fucking iPad, on your eyeball,

through the iPhone fucking glasses, everything is possible now. You understand me? That's how we make it happen. Also, like us, you always want to be fucking healthy. You want to try. Yes, I went to Jiu-Jitsu. You're saying, Joey, are you sore?

Fuck no, I'm not sore. Why? Because I took the fucking Shroom Tech. Because I took the Hem Force protein. Right after I got back from the fucking Jiu-Jitsu, I took the Hem Force protein. Two scoops with a little glue to core. These things are helping me live better.

Am I losing some weight? Yeah, I feel a little fucking lighter. My endurance is getting a little bit better, but not really that much. It's short little strides. But still, like I was telling Lee, I'm 51 years old next Wednesday. And I go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu.

I'm going to kettlebell class this morning after I take my Shroom Tech. I give it an hour and a half to kick in. And all of these things help me. Go to fuckingjoeydeers.net. Check out the tour dates at the same time. Go to the On It box. What are you pressing the box, Lee?

You pressing church. Church into the On It box. Get 10% off. You know, On It's doing great things. They got kettlebells. They got the battle ropes. They got a fucking contest. There you go in March and go see Robbie Lawler

fighting fucking Fidel, whatever his name is. They got all these things. But they got the Stay On It program, where you get the fucking stuff delivered right to your door for 20% off on a monthly fucking level. You got to leave the house. You don't got to re-order. This is the shit we do for you with On It.

Hulu Plus. Nature's Box. Another great company. They just sent me another box of stuff. The Rice Chips. They sent me these figs from my daughter's atesum. Oh, wow. These guys do not fuck around a Nature's Box.

I wouldn't be fucking with these guys if they were slipping. All their products are good. The cocoa almonds, the Agostino even ordered from them. You know? Oh, really? The Agostino showed up the other day with some caramel something that was fucking delicious. All their stuff is fresh.

The ingredients, the nutritional is fucking approved. Please go to the fuckingjoeydeers.net. Go to the box. Get 50% off your first order. And after that, you got to pay full fucking pop. But just order a few bags a month and when you still want to stop it, just cancel it. It's that easy. Go to joeydeers.net.

You got Hulu Plus. You got On It. You got Nature's Box. You know, I'm here for you people. You people think these are fucking ads and I'm breaking your balls? No, I'm giving you a good fucking product and a good fucking price. Get down there. Stop fucking around and dilly-dallying, all right?

These motherfuckers always dilly-dallying about something. Bad motherfucking, but... Guess whose birthday it is today? I have a friend on Twitter. Abraham Lincoln, your favorite. I knew it was Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Now, is it a national holiday? Is the school's closed?

I know. I think president's day is sometime in... Sometime in... Monday. Oh, okay. Monday. So the thing is, you have no school Friday for Abe Lincoln and you have no school Monday for George Washington till it's a long fucking weekend.

Nice. That's really nice. So today's Abe Lincoln's birthday. And it's Black History Month. Somebody, please, show me a picture of a black asshole. Something. So it's Black History Month. Eat a black ass.

Do something. Fucking read the Emancipation Drachomation. Fucking listen to Michael Jackson's songs. Do something. Happy birthday Abe Lincoln, cocksucker. Thank you for freeing the slaves. Thank you for being a bad motherfucker that you are. Looking like Frankenstein with AIDS and whatever happened, happened.

I love you. Then Monday's George Washington's birthday. Okay. Him and his fucking apple tree. And then Wednesday's your birthday. What are you going to do for your birthday? The truth? Yeah.

Me, Mercy, because they come back Tuesday night. Yeah. And me, Mercy, my wife, we're going to go to this museum, a kids museum. All by support of that. Okay. And then we're going to go to, we're going to come home and get a Carvel cake. Oh, nice. I'm going to light one candle and that's the end of the day.

That's what my birthday wishes. I know we're going to go eat lunch. We're going to eat lunch somewhere that the baby likes. Probably some Cuban food because she likes black beans or rice. Oh, they're good. That's funny. I got a polycarvel cake from Ralph. They have them from Ralph's now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're good. I had one for the baby's birthday and it was fucking delicious. That shit starts because at first they rock hard. Yeah. Oh, you got to leave it outside for two hours and let it defrost and shit. That's a fucking night, man. But after a while, they're pretty fucking good.

After a few hours, that's it, man. I'm 51. What the fuck do you want me to do? You're not going to go down to a club in Hollywood? Oh, yeah. I'm going to get a booth and have a party. It's Joey's party. Please RSVP.

Get the fuck out of here. Nothing bothers me more than that shit. Nothing. I have a fucking retarded friend, Stacy. Yeah. And she hangs out with those retarded type L.A. people where they love you, but they're all a bunch of fucking fakes. If you need to bail money, they wouldn't answer the fucking phone.

Because that's the people who go to those things. The people, when you call for bail money, they hang up on you. It's that type of friends. That's all they are. Oh my God, we love you so much. That's why we're here. Get the fuck out of my face. Meanwhile, you're looking at my wife to fuck her in the ass.

Get the fuck out of my face. You fuck me. You pick with fucks. They're all this. I don't want no birthday party. Listen, after you're fucking 20, you have a birthday party. You're a fucking pussy, all right? Seriously.

After you're fucking 20, you're a fucking pussy. You're going to have a birthday party, and people are going to come over, and it was amazing. Oh my God, get the fuck out of here with your fakeness. I want that shit. Like, I wouldn't go to a birthday party after fucking 20 if you paid me. I don't.

I don't even respond to those fucking things. Really? Yeah. Really? You're 28. You're going to have a party and invite eight fucking stiffs to do what? To do what?

Jump up and down. Get the fuck out of here. You're spending with your family. People are close to you. You go eat dinner. You go to the steak somewhere. I'm one of the best birthdays I had. It was 1985.

I was 22 years old, probably, 23 years old. And that was like one of my best birthdays. My best birthdays. I went to a double feature. And I went to the Enchanted Lillian, had sesuan shredded beef in Jersey with some white rice and an egg roll. Goddamn! Jesus.

Why do you remember that? Because it was a birthday where I was very lonely. I remember how alone I was. Like, I had no fucking friends. I lived in a hotel room. I saw George once in a while. I saw Luke once in a while. And it was just a time for me to find myself.

You know, it was the first time I'd been by myself. I was always living on somebody's couch. I was always doing something like that. And it was just one of those things where it's enlightening, sometimes, just to spend the day by yourself and get to know you and enjoy you. And at that time, I was a piece of shit and I enjoyed me. Like, my consciousness was getting the best of me

and I still enjoyed me. I just liked it, you know? And it's just weird. And people get pissed off and say that shit about birthday parties, but I fucking hate it. I find that my friend Stacy, she's into all that shit where they meet at a bar at seven. Listen, at seven o'clock, we're in fucking traffic.

If you're normal. If you leave and work at five, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I got to shoot to Wilshire to some fake fucking bar. And you look at the appetizers, they reach $20 and I don't want to. That's not me, man. And fake hugs. And we love you in pictures.

And everybody's got to take a picture with you to show how much they love you. I don't like that shit. You want to show me how much they love me? When I call you for bail money, answer the phone. That's all I want from somebody. That's all you really want. It's for them to have your back.

That shit about birthdays and stupid get-together. Let's go fuck yourself. Now she's in charge of some fucking travel thing. We're her and 12 other fucking Stamikis with no lives. At the end of that fucking rope, get together and go on some vacation as fucking strangers. Next thing you know, you're in fucking Bulgaria with 15 people climbing some mountain.

Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck is wrong with people? I don't even know. You want to do that? Some friends adventure? You go with 12 fucking strangers? No, I don't want to travel with anybody.

You know, but after a point, after a point in your life, man, you accept things you wouldn't accept. I have a friend right now. One of the, I was telling Lila last night I left my phone. The phone has the best alarm in the world, the iPhone. If you really need to wake up, get the iPhone. Okay, waking up to it. It sounds like I told you, like the world's gonna end.

That's what it sounds like. You're waking up to cold red. Yeah. Like they just dropped a bomb. And I left them in the bedroom last night. And as soon as I fucking laid down and put the mask on, the fucking phone rang. I didn't know who it was.

I didn't care. And then three hours in, I heard all that other shit. You know, like somebody's texting you or whatever. Whatever, I wore an email. Yeah. Like I got a bunch of emails online. And then I got a fucking call. You have your phone vibrate when you get an email?

Yeah. Oh my God. I don't fucking know. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with that control shit. I just let it do what it do. And then I got like a call from a girl. She called twice. She called like 2.30.

And she called again like at 4.30. And she's a dear, dear friend of mine. I've never slept with this woman. Nothing. Let me tell you something. This girl is 41 years old. And guys, she's a fucking 10. Ladies, she's a fucking 10.

She's got big, fake fucking titties. A tremendous ass. A tremendous face. She's beautiful. She's just beautiful. She's a Spanish girl from Miami. And I've known her since 1997 when she was dating a friend of mine. And we always stayed in touch after that.

And when we used to do coke, we would go out at night and get a package and do coke. And it was just nice for me to be with a good-looking woman. There's other women who would come up to me. You know how many times this girl got me late? And she's always been a strong woman. You know, and that's what I like about her. She's got big fucking tits.

She works at her father's paint store. Her father has a paint store. So if you see her in the daytime, you see this hot chick dressed in white with paint all over her. You know, she has to mix the paints and she has work boots on. So it's very sexy to see. And she's a very sexy girl. And the last year, it's hit her.

Guys, it's hit her. Ladies, it's hit her. She's 40. And she's not married. And her sister's got three fucking kids. You know, it's one of those situations. So I get a call twice a week of her hammered. And to make things worse, she's got a boyfriend

who's younger than she is and cheated on it. Oh, no. So she's done. You could tell she's done. And I called my friend, who's her ex-boyfriend the other day, and I go, hey, man, I got to talk to you about something. You talk to her anymore. And he goes, nah, I had to stop talking to her

because I got married. You know, she's a great kid. I go, no. She just broke up with this guy. And now I could tell it's eating away at her. About a month ago, she called me late night. We had a discussion. She had a few cocktails in it.

And she told me, she asked me, what am I going to do next? She goes, I don't feel like living no more. Jesus. And I was like, Doug, look, you know, women make mistakes when they're younger and whatever. You know, now you're 40, now you get to know. I mean, I had a kid at 50. Yeah.

So anything is possible. But you tell that to a woman. Is that a big of a deal? You tell that to a fucking ugly woman. It's something. But to a woman that looks like that, it's that big of a deal to some ladies, you know? So she called.

I called her right back this morning, but she was probably passed out from the alcohol by that point. That's really weird. That's why I married Terry. I was with Terry nine, eight years before I married. Yeah. But I realized what it gives a woman. It gives a woman peace of mind.

It gave her so much of a peace of mind, she spit out a fucking kid. Okay. It puts them where they belong sometimes. And I thought that for years, I didn't think it was important to be married. I thought it was a stupid contract. I thought it was, you could just live with somebody and be now.

You have to give these women peace of mind. Yeah. To ring around their finger. I went to Gelson's yesterday, and there was this girl in front of me that was fucking tremendous. And I saw her paying, and she didn't have a ring around her finger.

Well, I looked to the face. I kind of see the sadness. You know, she was hot, but still she's there at six o'clock buying her own groceries. So how fucking hot was she? You know, why wasn't there some fucking nerd guy rubbing her feet, throwing fucking roses at her one sheet?

So I couldn't even imagine. To me, it wouldn't make a fucking difference whether I married or not, I was 90. But to a woman, it means a lot, man. It's their fucking life, you know? It's their life, you know? To not, you know, you're told as a young girl that you're going to get married,

and your wedding's going to be beautiful, and you're going to be a princess. Yeah. And all of a sudden, you're 40 and you're fucking single. I don't know. No, I can see where it'd be tough, but... You want to hit at this? No.

What the fuck? Because I'm just getting the point where I'm not dying. I'm the fuck. Motherfucker. Cocksuck, are you ready for an edible toy? It's been a while. Let's pop on about 12, and we'll sit... We've got to go somewhere.

That's perfect. We'll be over there. Oh, my God. We'll wait for the guy that comes. You can talk to him about computers and the satellites and shit. You like all that stuff, don't you? Not fucking stoned out.

Do you even have an edible with you? No, but I'll get one by that time. You keep giving me shit. You don't have one. I'll bring one over there. When you come over at 12.30, don't be an edible waiting for you. We went together like soldiers. That's what kills you.

What? Is that you get depressed right away. You're like... I'm not depressed. Yes, you do. I can see in your face. No, fuck it. You swallow like the fat guy in the fucking Chinese connection

when you go to school. You swallow. I can see your fucking in your throat there. I can't have you doing that. I need for you to be fucking confident. You know what I'm saying? If you're not going to be confident, this shit ain't going to work.

So what kind of edible would you like today? Yeah, I like the gummies. I can't do the taste of the other ones. You like the gummies. How about if I got you some chocolate? Thought I'd make you a fucking... I don't like the chocolate. How about a Chibo chew?

When was the last time you had a black Chibo 175 milligram motherfucking? Probably the last time we were at the ice house. All right, yeah, this afternoon, we'll get you a little edible to get you going. Maybe a little goo... Maybe two of them. You're in the mood for a whole gooey today.

She's okay. It's been a while since you had a whole gooey. We'll have a whole gooey together. Oh, that room is small. How's it going to be fun? Which one? The room we're going to. Oh, yeah, and the beauty is,

if you pass out, I'll just put you in the corner and get a little blankie on you and lock the door. And it's over. You wake up at Snappy Noono time over on Burbank Boulevard. Nappy Noono time. You ever go to Nappy Noono time? Come second. No.

And I also, today, would like to welcome my brothers from Western New York, New Jersey. Two kids I love. My man Dave and Pete, I love you motherfuckers. They're over there putting it together. Remember, for all you oil and fucking whatever, smoking motherfuckers, for all you oil and wax-looking

motherfuckers, the premiere vapor pen, go to naileditlife.com. My man Dave and Pete, the heat, will take good fucking care of you. And press in 20% off your order when you mention Joey fucking Diaz. How's that? Yeah.

No space. No space. So go to naileditlife.com. They got other stuff on the West Payser. What you're looking for is the fucking premiere vapor pen. You understand me? This is the fucking best. You get a one-year warranty on the battery.

We ain't fucking around here. I wouldn't recommend. Everybody always says, Joey, what's the best vapor pen? Bam! Naileditlife.com. Get on that fucking webpage. Mention my name. Get 20% off.

That's how they do it. They were at the cannabis cup this weekend. They were blowing fucking vapors and everybody's face. People were loving it. They made new connections. These are my new fucking goombas. I love them to support them, please.

Naileditlife.com. Don't fuck around. They also have those goomies or monos. When you make a goomy that strong, you know what the fuck you're doing. All right? Why are we fucking around here? Why are we having this conversation, Lee?

I don't know. And what are your plans for the weekend? Where are you taking a Friday night, Cox? Friday? We're going to stay here. We're going to stay here. We're going to go get some food and come back. One of the shows will be like a Netflix is coming out.

What a show. Have you heard of House of Cards? A Netflix is a Kevin Spacey show? That's coming out on Friday. So we're just going to do that. So you're excited? Fuck yeah, we're excited. And where are you getting food to go for?

Let me guess. The Mediterranean? She likes it. I'll bring you some today. Don't bring me nothing. All right, please? Stick to yourself. I want you to fucking get somebody after the show

and invent a portable juicer. They have. I'm sure they have some of it. You put in your pocket, you throw carrots and then leaves. But let's say you're out there like Survivor Man, the middle of the night and you're fucking hungry. You can get some leaves and throw them in there with some grass with cat piss on it and you feel fucking healthy.

What do you think? Sounds like a moneymaker. So yesterday on Rick's podcast, watch this, we talked about three Kurt Russell movies. It was, I love doing that. I watched all three of them the night before, right in a row. I love doing that. Because you're a fucking mother.

Look at the A. You could do that. You're like a bum. Three movies in a row. Who does that? Six movies. I say it's six hours. Six hours. What type of animal does that?

Seven. I could see how hard you were working on that fucking couch, scratching the asshole. It was research. I had to. Research. What movies did you watch? We watched Use Cars, The Thing and Breakdown.

Breakdown. You don't like Breakdown? No, I yelled at the movie theater. I saw that man's Chinese theater. They wouldn't die. The guy wouldn't die. Took him like an hour to die at the end, didn't he? Yeah, they were dropping rocks on top of him.

This fucking badass. The wife drove me nuts. But at the end, she just reversed the truck and the whole fucking 18-wheeler squished the dude. So you like watching movies, huh, Cox? Fuck yeah. Would you consider putting a bicycle there and watching movies while you're pushing a bike?

Yeah. All right. I'm going to get you a bicycle this week. My friend's got a truck full of stolen bicycles. Put it on the stand for you. You can pedal while you're watching TV, Cox. It's like a six hours.

Did you eat while you were sitting there? Yeah, that's the night I got Chinese soup. For the throat. That's all you got? Yeah. No egg rolls, no fucking kimchi. No. Kimchi's good, though, for Korean food.

I love kimchi. Keep it up. Keep it up. Korean food, hummus. You better get it together, Cox. That's what you... You just said kimchi, so you must fucking eat it. I don't...

Look, I wouldn't even look at that shit. You understand me? It smells funny. I don't fucking like that shit. I don't like that. I don't like ranch. I don't like none of that shit, all right? How many times I got to tell you?

No kimchi. No Kim Donovan for nothing, Uncle Joey. None of that shit. Again, February 22nd, Ice House. We haven't decided what we're going to do yet. I've been thinking about a couple of fucking options. The documentary is still on payloads. The CD is on fucking iTunes.

I'm not even talking about comedy days because I don't give a fuck right now. It's at the end of the month. Right now we've got more important things like what you're going to do this weekend and what you're going to do today. You're going to sit there like a fucking mutt and take what we talked about

and just sprinkle on your thing. No fucking safety nets in life. You want to go for something? Fucking go for it. Take the net off. If not, go shoot yourself because you're going to get the same fucking result, man. Lee's seeing it now.

You know what? Lee is like, you know what? I need to start making more. You got to give it a chance. There's no good deed that goes undone. Trust me. Fucking trust me in this life. You get up sometimes and you do something for free

and you go, you know, why am I doing it? It's the people that you do if I don't appreciate you. Yeah. That's when it sucks. That's why I don't do those fucking movies no more and nothing because it sucks. They don't pay. You know, you want me for a fucking movie?

You want something for something? You got to pay. You got to have a little commitment there. You got to buy lunch. You got to do something. These motherfuckers want everything for free. Fuck those bitches. Trust what I'm telling you, man.

No good fucking deed goes undone. You go for something? Fuck it. Take the safety net off. You'll make it. You need 3, 400 fucking rent. You'll make it. For you motherfuckers that want to be super buying

and go out every night and buy drinks for bitches and go to clubs and buy a $1,500 bottle. That's a tough artistic fucking move to do if you have that type of lifestyle. So you got to cut your lifestyle and half stay in and learn how to eat fucking ramen with fucking mushrooms in it. I did it for a long time.

Listen, you got a bag of ramen. You cut some mushrooms. You throw a couple fucking Puerto Rican shrimp in there. Bam! You got yourself a meal, Jack. I don't give a fuck what planet you're from. Look at this fucking zombie. Look at this guy outside the window.

Look, is he knocking on the glass? Sure. I'm leaving in two weeks anyway. Together, cocksucker. Look at him. He's walking around like he's ready to get shot. So that's all I'm saying. Take the fuck, remove the safety net.

That's it. In this life, you wanted to rock. Remove the fucking safety net. And it'll be a lot better than that. First, it's scary. Trust me, it's fucking real scary. But after you cry and after you shit blood for a few weeks, he'll say, fucking, I'm back, bitches.

Have a great day. Joey Coco Diaz, Lee Syat, the Churchill. What's happening now? Thank you very much for listening. I love you guys. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows

anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial one more week. Extended. Of HuluPlus.com. Extended, bitches. When you go to HuluPlus.com, plus Joey, or go to joeydias.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner.

And don't forget to sign up for DollarShaveClub.com. You get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church, or go to joeydias.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Now that the show's over, remember to go to naturebox.com and order great tasting healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats,

everything bagel chips, and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey, that's naturebox.com, promo code Joey. And like Joey just said, for everyone who likes wax and oil smoking out there, go and get the premier vapor pan on the market at naileditlife.com.

Mention Joey Diaz, no space. 20% off, bitches. And get 20% off. And besides that, have a great week, stay black. Little black Sabbath for you here to get you into the fucking reality type of mood. Are you kidding me or what? He just breaks it down here.

In other words, don't do drugs. Pull it, pull it out. Your mind is full of pleasure. Your mind is looking ill. To you, it's yellow, let go. So grab the unspeakable. Don't stop the thing now. You're having a good time, baby.

But that won't last. Your minds are full of things. You're living too fast. Go out and enjoy yourself. Don't buy me dead. You need someone to help you. Take the needle in, yeah. Take the needle in, yeah.