Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #151 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 17, 2014

Actor and friend of the podcast Jordan Lee calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 02/17/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash joey. And by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to joeydeas.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. Also again, thank you to escapepodtank.com. Go check them out, mention joeydeas and get $250 off already low prices on sleep deprivation tanks.

Fucking George Washington's cutting down apple trees whatever the fuck he's doing and you're laying in bed like a fucking mutt. Wake up cock suckers. Monday February 17th. Happy birthday Ralphie May you cock sucker. Oh shit. Scrub your feet, wash your pussy, pull the skin back on your dick and put some hot water on it. It's Monday motherfuckers. Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Old meals, reefer, alpha brain, jumping jacks, take a big shit and it's Monday motherfuckers. Are you kidding me or what? What the fuck? This is bringing you back. I was telling you on people on different podcasts that I used to come to every wrestling practice to this song.

So every time I hear it, it like pumps me up. Good. So next time I do it, you do 10 push-ups cock suckers. All right. Let me tell you what happened last night. I was watching biographies were on and they were all about music and I fucked up Lee because I didn't call you. Aerosmith was on. Oh nice. I fucked up. Aerosmith was on. Guns and roses. Black Sabbath. People are mad because I was coughing last week. You were coughing but we're all good. What's going on? I'm doing a podcast. That's my wife. What the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah, she's insulting me a little bit. You know what I'm saying? But I watched Guns and Roses. I watched Black Sabbath and I couldn't stay awake for Aerosmith. So I taped. I was going to say,

I was surprised you're here. I thought you would have been up with 12 joints. It was fucking delicious. I was staying cooking with a little bit of the garlic in the pan. The cats were going crazy. I had to go eat with Jerry LaRoca. We went at eight o'clock and got a cheese omelet with some fruit from fucking. He had a turkey burger from fucking Magnolia Grill. I came back and I watched that. I watched the Black Sabbath one, which was very interesting. But the Guns and Roses was the most interesting. They had an original lineup and then they were going to go to Seattle and two of the guys didn't want to go. So that's when they signed Izzy. That's when they signed Slash and somebody else. And they went to Seattle and they had the car broke down. They had a hitchhike. But when they

came back, the tour was a disaster. But when they came back, they had built such a good bond. They had gone through hell and back to hitchhike to Seattle and they had a hitchhike back and they didn't get paid. And it was such a fucking nightmare that they said, let's stay together. You know, yeah. And it's very interesting how personalities and, you know, it's five people. Let me tell you something. You know how it is to do stand up comedy? Well, think about it. You're in a band. You've got five idiots just. I was going to say that. You've got five fucking morons just like me hanging around arguing who doesn't want to do what, who doesn't want to work Sundays, who doesn't want to play that fucking song because it reminds them of death. You know,

it's just a thousand fucking things. So when a band is that strong, I mean, listen, as they started out opening up for Errol Smith, and by the end of the tour, they were closing the tour. Really? Errol Smith. Yeah, that's how strong they were. They were Errol Smith on steroids. There is no two ways to look at this. Errol Smith. See, what most people don't know about Errol Smith is Errol Smith was was one of the strongest fucking bands in the world at one time. And I'm telling you this with balls and confidence. I'm not telling you this in a mumbling way. Something really weird happened, sadly, if you can look up Don Kirsten's rock concert Black Sabbath 1975. Okay, so Saturday morning, I'm writing. And for some reason, I was looking at something

on YouTube about Jiu Jitsu or something. And it was all exercise shit, like kettlebell shit. But on the bottom was some band at Don Kirsten's rock concert. April 9. It's Black Sabbath, April 9, 1975. Is that it? That's it. But let me just fill people in. After Saturday Night Live, when I was a kid, I mean, when I was fucking 13 after Saturday Night Live, it wasn't Saturday Night Live you waited for it was Don Kirsten's rock concert. Okay. Don Kirsten's rock concert had this reputation. I think the people played live. So it played in a small thing. So it was always a great performance. So I started looking through the videos of who was on Don Kirsten's and I saw UFO with a young Michael Shankner with no shirt on, playing a flying V, just fucking this

motherfucker. And I remember watching Black Sabbath on Don Kirsten's. But it was never say die. And I remember that I don't want to see that. And for some reason, I said, let me just see it. It's 645 in the morning. What the fuck am I going? I got nothing but fucking, you know, I got nothing but hours to kill. I had nothing. So I clicked on Black Sabbath fucking Lee, played it for a second, which I started from right from the beginning. Let's see what's through that tonight. Don Kirsten's rock concert presents high energy rock and roll. Frank Marino, Muhammad Rush, Black Sabbath. Time to time, we take a sampling of taste from our audience. Look at this fucking juice. Look at that bad juice. Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me? People click this motherfucker on maybe not today, but at your earliest convenience. This is a band at the height of their fucking life. This is 1975 Black Sabbath. They just released the album Sabbath Bloody Sabbath. This is just too fucking much. They are perfect. I'll tell you what, Bill Ward on the drums, rivals John Bonham that night. He is fucking like a scorpion back there with those fucking drums. I've listened to Ozzy Live a thousand times, nine out of 10. It's terrible. He's singing. Listen to this. Now there's three kids, white kids, with homemade white shirts on Lee.

Keep your eye out for them in the audience. They are going great. That would have been me and my dogs. They're going to show three white kids with homemade t-shirts that are like homemade. You put your own lettering on it. Yeah. Because that's how big Sabbath was to me when I was that age. So they play this after Saturday night life? After Saturday night life. Are you listening to those fucking drums? I mean, they are on it. They are on Alpha Brain. Oh, I see them. There's like four or five of them in one row. In one row. They're fucking going nuts. But you could kill that. I mean, it is fucking brilliant. So for anyone who wants to go see it,

it's called Black Sabbath, Don Kershner with a K-Rock concert in 1975, April 9th. When I say Kershner, one of the baddest Jews of all times from the Kershner tribe, that Pontius pilot was really a Kershner. You know he's a Jew because he had a fake tan. He was a gangster, that motherfucker. You know why he was a gangster, Lee? Because he brought, when I was a kid, that was an education. When you were 10 and 11, you weren't old enough to go to concerts or you were scared like I was, or whatever the fuck dilemma you had, he brought the show to your fucking living room. You just had to stay up on a Friday and Saturday night. You got to stay up, you got to walk home,

get yourself a little babysitter love, you know, used to hang out next to the benders. You know the kid we bumped into at Chance Dragon Inn? Yeah, of course. The documentary, Little Richie. When he was a kid, he'd get babysit on Saturday nights and that's where we would go to watch Don Kershner's Rock Concert. Me and Lee were shooting a documentary in New York City. It's the last night. We're about to go home. We go to Chance to eat fucking dinner and some kids like, Coco, what the fuck? I was dead the night you got stabbed. That was little fucking Richie, that crazy. When we were kids, we'd make him jump off the fucking roof. He was on ADD pills back then. We'd make him jump off the roof. We were fucking, we weren't snorting the

pills. We were too scared to take them. I think I took them once or twice. But anyway, I was looking at that black Sabbath thing in 1975. I'm thinking to myself, how good are these guys at this point in their life? And that's what adorned on me, that think about it. You had to be very good. Led Zeppelin was still fucking rocking. They had just put out, you know, I think Carrick had just died. So they were taking a breather, but they were just coming off houses of the holy or, or even maybe presents. The stones were fucking hot. The almond brothers were around. The who was around. Kiss was around. Leonard Skinnett was lurking. You know, all these bands, The Wings were around. Paul McCartney was around popping up. Pop Elton John was a fucking monster in 75.

Just a fucking monster. When you see Elton John now goofy looking, looking like a fucking gay queen and shit. Don't ever get confused, motherfuckers. You go on YouTube and you play up from 70 to 76 or 77 or even 78 were fucking from Philadelphia freedom. Elton John was a fucking savage. Anyway, that's what I was. That was my fucking point that in 1975, if you were in a band, you better be fucking good because there was time to all the legends. 75 to me was the highlight of music. Yeah, you can't name a better time than that. It's crazy because you're so excited about it. Arrowsmith Rocks was lurking. Arrowsmith was lurking. It's a different time, man. Because now with the few times I watched Saturday Night Live, I would turn it off at the music.

I hate like there's nothing like there's nothing good on. So like it doesn't compute to me like people were so excited for it. But the music now sucks. When you went home on Saturday night, you caught Saturday Night Live and you caught Don Kersh's rock concert. To me, it's fucking tremendous, bro. That's fucking great shit. And that's how I learned about music. How was your weekend, brother? What would you do? Would you take Mama for Valentine's Day? Well, on Valentine's Day, just to piss you off, we went to the Mediterranean place just as we did something little. And then two nights ago, we went to our place last night. We went to Bucca de Pepo for just a nice meal. We just hung out all week and we watched House of Cards. Only low key.

Bucca de Pepo. What's Bucca de Pepo? That Italian place that brings you 8,000 pounds of food for 20 bucks. I don't know. Where is that at? I'm on Tino on Ventura. Wasn't it good? Yeah, it was okay. They didn't bring the one thing that pissed me off is I got chicken parm and they just didn't bring pasta. I was like, you need pasta? And then I looked on the menu to order it on the side. But it was okay. That's how they get you. Yeah. But it was fun. There's always a Jew somewhere. They always throw by the way. Oh, yeah. It doesn't piss you off. It does. But I mean, it was good. And it was a it was a great weekend. I mean, sometimes we like to go do something. But this weekend we just kind of hung out together. She's still here, actually. No, I know. I know. I know

it's that's when I'm trying to be quiet at the same time. You sound a lot better from last week. I went down a little bit. Last week, we got a lot of fucking complaints about the coughing, whether myself and Lee, they call it the cough podcast. And that happens from time to time. That's it, guys. Something happened last week that just fucking destroyed me and I can't do it no more. I've been smoking pots since I was fucking 12. I didn't even yeah, you didn't even roll a joint today. 11. You know, I just been smoking, man. And I'm not gonna lie to you people. It's my drug of choice. Cocaine was what killed the fucking pain. My drug of choice to be happy and to have a good time and to eat chicken cutlets and cranberry juice and it's marijuana.

But you know what, man? I'm a fucking gorilla. I'm a 300 fucking pound gorilla, you know, and and the reality side of it, you know, I could smoke two or three grams a day if you let me. Really? Maybe even four. That's outrageous. Holy shit. And then I cut down to a pipe. I eliminate the fucking papers only when I roll a joint here. And I could go through fucking two joints and two fucking hours. You've seen it. America's seen it. You've seen it. I could smoke. But here's where it gets complicated. For the amount that I smoke, I should I should be fucking thanked. Yeah. You know, so what I did was I went back to the vapors. You know, not the torch, like I was telling you people. Another dab. Yeah. I just went back to a vapor pen, a regular little

vapor pen. And that I had like 19 here. Some of the boys from Nailed for Life gave me a pen that you put dabs and I got some oil. And I've been smoking that, man. Listen, I like going to jujitsu. I'm 51 years old on Wednesday. I love getting up. I love going over there and rolling around. The sweat that comes out of it is deep in your pores. It's all that chicken and fucking steroids they put in meat. That's what comes out when you go to jujitsu. It's a different type of sweat. Plus, I like learning guys. I really enjoy the thought process of learning. It keeps me sharp in other avenues of my life. If I'm learning something at some time, and it could be anything. It could be fucking learning how to play the drums. It could be, you know, reading about history,

which I started on that webpage and I haven't talked about in a while. I've been doing notes in there on everything. I do that one hour a week. It was just little things that I like to learn because it helps me write. It helps me with my comedy. It just keeps me sharp. And I think it works for a lot of people. I don't know. When people say to me, I don't like school, I've never understood that. I've never fucking understood that statement. I didn't like high school. How did you like high school? It was a social event and you learned. It was the best two things about fucking life. Right or wrong? I mean, I see both sides of it. I mean, the best thing for me about being an adult is to not have to do homework. Homework fucking kills it, man. They're making it

worse. I mean, it was bad for me, but I mean, it's hours of night now. What is homework, Lee? Define homework. It's A, by the time you get into high school and college, it's not only looking over your notes. You probably have a page or two of math problems. You probably have 30 or 40 pages of reading to do for each subject. You probably have a paper to do. Define homework, define homework. What's your definition of homework, Lee? Practice. Taking an hour from your fucking day to focus on your own studies. That's what homework is. And think about what they're doing. They're preparing you for life. Oh, that's true. Do you understand me? For us to have a good podcast on Sunday nights, I got to stay up for an hour and take notes and see what inspired me

over the weekend to get a good podcast. I mean, you and I can come in here and just talk and just have a good old time and people take it home. I want to really focus on this. Before I go on stage, I do homework before anything, I mean, before anything in life. I mean, you edit it. That's something different. That was your career. You don't do homework. But maybe you do. Homework just disciplines you for life. You don't want to say that's it. Turn the TV off. Oh, no, I agree. I think in four or five years, when when when Mercy starts going in, they're like, what the fuck are they doing to these kids? Because right from the beginning, they're doing standardized tests. And I think it's gotten a little bit overboard.

Well, you know, we want to check and see if these kids are fucking learning or anything. You know, when we were kids, there was 20 kids in a fucking class, now there's 40. Your child has to go to private school to definitely get a fucking education. You know, I don't know. We have Josh Wolf here with us now. He's family. We went out for lunch. I love Jakey. Just because I don't talk about his son. I'm not one of those guys. Oh my god. No, you don't have to do that shit. I think about Jake. I worry about Jake. He's at a fucking age right now where it's 17. This is when you go into being a man. This is the most important years of your life. We were having coffee one day, and he told me he took them out of public. He took

them out of private school, put them into public school, not public savage school, but he put them into a chartered school for like filmmaking or whatever. It was the first day he got fucking whacked. He got hit in the fucking head, you know, and it's real interesting about you got to see these kids are learning. You got a thousand distractions for a child now, not to learn or they could be something that they could learn with the phone. Listen, man, I get online to learn shit by you. I get online to learn shit. I'm confused about something. I go online. I read about it. I'm fucked. Now I know whether I'm in too deep or whether I can pass it on to Lee or my wife. You know what I'm saying?

I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't know. I'm not the smartest fucking guy in the world, but these kids have games on your phone. There's games on everything. There's a thousand distractions for the child. Now they gave him maybe D to give him more power because if 10 kids are eating pills, guess what? I want pills. Yeah, I want pills. I never got those pills. They weren't around when I was when I was acid. You had to take any acid if you fucking didn't focus. You had to take mescaline. What the fuck are you talking about? A little dot. I told you when I was a sophomore, I saw fucking more mescaline than I'd sell 100 hits in two days in high school. Jesus. So in a week, I'd sell 300 hits a bite, sell them at eight in the fucking morning. People were popping those

little fucking mescaline things. Little did I know that I was helping kids because it was helping them with the ADD. The speed would fucking focus them. So now I don't feel too fucking bad about selling them out or jokes aside. I mean, listen, man, I don't know what I'm gonna do with fucking mercy yet. She's a 13 months old. I have no fucking idea. And I don't want to think about it. I'll burn that bridge when she's three and a half. Until then, I'm gonna do what my mother did with me, you know, stimulate my fucking mind. Two ways, talk to me in Spanish and fucking English, because there's the fuck out of me. You know, that's what I try to do because I know how speaking Spanish keeps me fucking sharp because I really don't have people around me that keeps

talks to me in Spanish. Yeah. So unless I make a phone call or call somebody in Miami or somebody in Jersey or my friend, Mario Arias, in Vegas, I don't talk that cool. And also shit to a lot of people, you follow what I'm saying? So no, no, it's, it's very fucking tough. But homework is putting away is in the middle of your fucking hot afternoon, learning how to stop what you're doing and focus for one hour, one hour and a half on math or geography or history or whatever subject, because that just and all it is, is what we do. It's what I do at six o'clock when the fucking when Diane Sawyer is off the air at seven o'clock, that's it. I got to do something for an hour. My wife puts the baby away and I go in and I write for an hour, put this joke on here,

put this joke on here, do a little fucking research on kettlebells, whatever the fuck, I take care of myself. That's that one hour. That's what homework teaches you. I didn't really like homework. So I got left the fuck back. I didn't like homework either. I got left the fuck. Yeah. You said you learned a way to study when you figured it out. I want to figure it out and that everybody has their own way of doing schoolwork and everybody I would love to be able in another life to do what Paul is doing. Go to go. I know it's a lot of work, but not really, but not really. Yeah, no, that's true. What she's doing is a lot of work, but not fucking really. She figured it out. It was definitely a lot scarier at the beginning. Yeah,

you figure it out. You figure out what you need to do. You know what? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to get up an hour earlier, drink an extra cup of coffee and go with my paperwork. That's what it teaches you to do. Yeah. It teaches you to sleep instead of sleeping 15 hours, sleep eight hours, study for two, take a nap, do this. It teaches you how to put your day together, which is so fucking important. It's so fucking important, but I still have a notebook and telling you where I'm going to be every hour of my day. That's how important it is to have a schedule where you're going to go every day. You know, one of the things they talk about, Eddie Bravo, is he's a great teacher because he teaches you to move. He teaches you to

the variations of the move and he teaches you the move doesn't work. If the move backfires, you still got this. You got this leg, you got this arm, you got his fucking ear, you got his eyeball, you got something to hang on to. So that's the same way as your day. Why isn't your day going like that? If I get to my car and the battery's broken, boom, I woke up the corner is bus 152. It'll take me to where I need to go get some heroin. Whatever the fuck it is that you're doing for the day, a man without a plan is not a man. Nietzsche, you understand me? A man without a plan is not a man. Your day will go so much better if you have a plan. And yeah, we have it in our head, but I want you to put it on a piece of paper till the fucking minute and you're going

to see what happens to your life, how fucking different it becomes. All right. It's done miracles for me. Really? Yeah, I'm that much of a geek. I'm going to have to. Oh, we didn't tell this. Do we tell this about how you gave me an edible at the fucking office and the internet guy came? Yeah. Oh my God. So we went to the office to, we waited for the internet guy to come and you had another meeting. So I waited around, but you had given me an edible. So I sat in my car for two and a half hours getting blasted on that gummy bear. But then he came and I was just pat, like I fell asleep in the office while he was doing the work. I'm a flaw. No chair just sitting with my head against the wall. I couldn't talk. He was trying to look at me. Oh my God, that was

the worst. What day was that? Thursday. So we'll be in the office. Hopefully by next week. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hopefully a new fucking office with a new look, a whole new set of rules and shit. What are you gonna do? We have to evolve, brother. Things are happening. You know what I'm saying? Let's play a little Tony Bennett break it up a little bit here. It's Monday, February 17th. Happy birthday, Ralphie Mae. If it's your birthday, happy fucking birthday. Do it up. My dad's birthday is tomorrow. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart one day morning. Wash that muffler. Nobody wants people around if you stink of your back sticks. Give a smell to my back. No.

Like the next most like dick. Do you get that a lot? And you do too? Who will swear to be true as you used to do with me? That's a beautiful fucking song, man. Yeah. I don't know. I guess my father and my mother used to dance to this or some shit. She used to go nuts every time this song came on. It's amazing. Every time I didn't hear it for a long time, then I heard it one time and I fucking, I had to get on one knee like this morning. Let me tell you what happened this morning. I got up at about two and I like setting the bedroom alarm, but the fucking phone alarm is so much easier, but that means I have to find the phone in my room. The last couple of nights,

all of a sudden, all of a sudden, I'm popular after fucking 11 o'clock. People calling me at two in the fucking morning, three in the fucking morning. I got a call last week at six in the fucking morning on a non-podcast day at five in the morning from Miami. And I called again, I go, what was so important? No, I wanted to tell you what the fuck is wrong with you. You never fucking know. You don't call somebody this early cocksucker. So I figured out that you turn the phone off in the middle of the night, and then if I get up to P at three, I'll turn it back on because it gets me up at four or 45. Like I said, the iPhone alarm, you're waking up to Nakasaki. You're waking up to Japanese people and God, it's fucking horrible, but it gets you to

fuck up. It gets you to fuck up, which is the point of this whole situation. So I got up, I put the shower on, I threw some coffee on the kitchen, looked like a fucking bomb at it. Those cats destroyed the fucking kitchen in the middle of the night. Oh really? I cooked something, they took it out of the fucking oven, they took it out of the garbage. Oh, what the hell was in there? Oh, a container of empty shrimp. It was empty, gone. They took it out, they shredded the lettuce, the wrapper was on, I went to the gelsons and I bought some dinner and I bought some shrimp and I figured I'd split it with them as a treat on Sunday. They fucking devoured the fucking case. So I put the little boxes, they took 18 fucking shits in the middle of the night. It was like shit night last night

at my fucking house. I could smell it in the fucking bedroom like two in the morning. Like all of them decided to take huge fucking shits in the middle of the night. So I couldn't deal with it. I go, let me put a cup of coffee on, let me go inside, let me take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my pussy, go online and then I'll clean this fucking kitchen as I'm making breakfast this morning. I was just going to make a protein shake, but they give me a couple minutes to put it together. I go in the fucking kitchen later on after I wash my nuts and the whole thing, I'm dressed. Jesus Christ. I mean, they pushed the baby chair, they must have had a war in there. I said, there was cat hair, I swept, and then I said, fuck it, let me clean the little boxes

and refill them. I always, because I usually wait till I get back and I feed them and then they shit after they eat, then I start from scratch with them. But this morning they took like 92 shits. I couldn't leave. It would kill the fucking house. So I cleaned all the little boxes. Let me tell you something, dawg. I hit this vapor pen this morning and it's completely different. You know, it's like a cleaner eye. I was bent over and I was cleaning these, you know, because when you're cleaning, let me tell you something, there's some tough jobs in the world. There ain't nothing going back to cleaning the fucking little box. It's disgusting. It really is disgusting. It's fun after a while. You're scraping and shit flying all over the place. I cleaned that little

box on. I went in the shower and I had gone to shower already, but I wanted to clean up the bathroom a little bit. And I swear to God, I was so fucking high from bending over and smelling the cat shit and the cat fucking thing and the fucking vapor pen. I had to sit there for 10 minutes. I swear to God, that's why I got here late today. I had to sit there for 10 minutes and focus on all the avenues come back together. And then I got my pants on and we're ready to fucking go. I got that mouse. Now we eat it. But that's what happened this morning. That's what I woke up to this morning, which wasn't bad. You know, I didn't even hear them in the middle of the night. They just go bananas. The kitchen, the living room was fine. The bedrooms were fine. There's nothing

in any other house. The fucking kitchen looked like a bomb. Do you know which ones it was? I could just imagine. I could just imagine it's got to be Fidel. It's got to be Harry. Sissy's involved in this. She's no fucking angel. You know, I hear her out there fucking meowing. I come out the field and she runs in the living room like really you little cuckucker. I come out here to feed you because you're meowing and she goes in the living room all fucking tippy-toe because she's like Cinderella. She's real light on her feet. The biggest secret about you is your cats. And it's not a secret, but it is a secret because if anyone knew the drama you go through with your cats, like we'll be on the phone and you just be like, hey, give me a second. Harry,

if you don't stop it, I'm gonna come over and kick you across the room. And you just like have like this big dialogue with them all day. You got to talk to them. I talk to them. You know, I know when they're lonely, like right now they're lonely, bro. For the last year and a half, they've been living avoiding the little monster. Yeah. They've been avoiding the monster. This little daughter minds a monster around cats. So they, you know, they avoid and the TV and the toys, the house is great. The house is quiet. There's not a peep in that fucking house. They're sitting there like, oh, where is this monster? Yeah. Somebody come back and chase me. So you have to keep them stimulated also. I have to pet them. I have to brush them. I have to give them treats.

You know, that's part of the whole thing of having an animal. Why have an animal? You're not going to give it. You know, I have friends that go on these fucking vacations and leave their animals with other people. That scares the fuck out of me. Once you see an animal traumatized by a earthquake, you'll never leave your house again. If you really care about that fucking animal, whether it's a dog, a cat, a parrot, you know, why get, you really care about animals. You really want the animal. I could see it that you'll be a good owner because you give a fuck. You wouldn't go over your head. You wouldn't avoid the animal. I waited years. I waited years because I couldn't do it when I was working full-time and I'm still working a lot with you, but I can come home in

between podcasts. I'm home a lot more than I would have been. This is what I do. This is why I do what I do. I try to keep close to my house every fucking day because I want to check in on them every hour and a half. They're used to that. That's why me and my wife can't go on vacation. Big fucking deal. That's a commitment we fucking made. That's a commitment I made to have an animal. When I go into fucking, when you walk into, what's the animal now store? Petco? Petco. When you walk into Petco and you see that cute chihuahua, before you do the paperwork, I want you to go outside, take a breath of fresh air and think about all these things. Hey, I'm with you. You want to fucking adopt, but if you're going to adopt, I want you to do it 150 fucking percent. And that's

15 percent out of your lifestyle. When you have an animal, that's 15 percent out of your lifestyle. Little things you can't do if you really care for the animal. We just can't get up and go to San Diego overnight. You can't do a lot of things if you have an animal, especially in high fucked-up areas like ours. We don't have a weatherman for a fucking earthquake. There's no weatherman to tell you, hey, there's going to be an 8.4. I don't like straying from them. I always have water at the house, an extra cat food for them. This is the commitment I made to these cats. This time, I'm in the fucking bedroom, like this whole week especially, and I'm back there typing and I'm having a good run or I'm involved in something. And after an hour and a half, I have to force

myself in the living room to give them treats, pat them, and turn something on for a half hour and sit out there and pick them up individually and pat them and tell them I love them and punch them in the stomach and whatever the fuck game it is I play with them. And then they run away and they don't come back, but at least they know I'm there for them. And that means the world. Listen, the person, it's really fucked up. I'm not here to judge nobody because I would never want somebody to judge me, but judgment is made. So who gives a fuck? So my judgment is made. I like when people have food in their fucking refrigerator. I like when people fucking have albums and I can see what they have so I can judge them on their fucking music. If they don't have Led Zeppelin too, what

the fuck am I doing here? You understand me? What the fuck am I doing here? A guy who's a fucking shit around, whatever. There's just different types of people I judge by different things. How a person treats his animal to me is very important because it teaches me that you care about the things around you. You will put your blinker on when you fucking make the right turn. You will do those little things that make you a complete fucking man, whether you're a man or a woman. They make you a fucking man. So I have a problem right now where a dear friend of mine for years had a dog with a guy and the dude was scaring the dog. She went on vacation and she came back, the dog died. Yeah, Lee, what would you do? What would you do if you knew I didn't

like your fucking dog and you went on vacation for ten fucking days and you came back? Guess what? You should shoot yourself. There's nothing but a fucking, the law in my family that's stopping me from getting in my car and going up there and smacking the fuck out of this dumb bitch. Smacking the fuck out of this dumb bitch. Nothing in this world right now. I haven't spoken to her since. That and there's other reasons, but that's the main reason. I like to lie to you and tell you it's the other thing, but I'm going with the other thing because I really don't want to tell her, because I don't want people to know what I feel about this. You can't do that around me, because it fucking destroys my whole whatever I feel about you. And I love this person with all

my heart. I've known her for 15 fucking years at Tova. Yeah. At Tova because I can't believe you're that stupid. She loved it with the guy? Yeah, call me and we'll figure something out. Even if I got to borrow the money for you to put it in the fucking home or whatever. There's so many like doggy hotels for like 20 bucks a night or something. That's it. That's it. My relationship with that person is over for life. I can't even, I can't imagine that happening. That's like the worst nightmare. I don't even think I like the fucking dog. I didn't even like the fucking dog yet. It doesn't matter. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You're right. It doesn't fucking matter. The dog didn't like me. It would bite me, but I'm still telling you. This is how

bad I feel right now. And it's crazy how many dogs are in shelters. Like I'm going through a rescue organization that takes them from the shelter, but it's crazy. Like how many all over America, how many dogs are in shelters? It's amazing. And some people just like, and people's thousands of that we are overpopulated by people waiting for Martians. You know who the Martians are? Fucking people's. Do you watch that show? People's and parolees? Sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah. I don't I don't know the schedule of it. Yeah. If it's on an interesting show. Yeah. I watch it, but no, they should GED test everybody before they get a pimple. Yeah. First of all, you got to pass a GED. Well, yeah. A pimple is a stronger dog, but even just I hear stories about

cats and dogs, people like move and they just leave them in the house with a bag of food and like someone will find them. Like I couldn't I couldn't live with myself if I like left the dog there. No, no. Listen, man, somebody wrote me an email. I think yesterday about addiction and how to find the pain, the true pain. And here you go. When my mother died, we had a dog named Crystal. I was so fucked up. I named the dog Crystal THC because the dog was white. I didn't know anything about dogs. I gave the dog love, but I mistreated the dog at the same time because I was 14. Pulled it by the collar. I would hit it with a newspaper in the ass when he was shit.

I didn't know what I was doing. I did give the dog a lot of love and stuff. When my mother died, the people I wanted to stay with had another dog. I couldn't bring that dog with me. So I gave it to a friend of my mother's who loved animals, you know. And I remember three or four months in, I walked home drunk one night and I jumped the fence at her house and I went to see the dog and I cried. That destroyed me. I never really told this story on a podcast. No, I haven't heard this story. The dog's name was Crystal. It was white with little black things and that little brown spot on his nose. I used to kiss the brown spot. You know, it wasn't the pain of my mother dying as much as me losing my space. I lost my space, bro. When you're 14,

I hear about kids that their parents lose their jobs at certain ages and they have to move their childhood home and shit. It traumatizes you. You're losing your space. It killed me a couple of years ago when my mom sold my childhood house. Yeah, it traumatizes some people and it killed me at that time. It wasn't just my mother and my house and my toys and my room. It was that fucking dog. Until this day, I feel bad about that dog. Till this day, these times I drive and I say a prayer for Crystal that her life ended okay, you know, because I didn't see her after 1980. I don't know what that and those people end up going to jail. Those people are fucking crazy. So God knows what happened then when I got married. When I had married in 1980. Oh, we gotta call them in.

Yo. Hey, Jordan. I know who the fuck it is. It's Jordan motherfucking Lee. What's happening, baby? Oh, just sitting here watching my favorite podcast. All right. All right. What's going on in your world, my man? Oh, shit, Joey. Just I just wanted to thank you for having me on, man. I've been I've been your biggest fan since you started podcasting. It's funny. We mentioned you the other day on the pop. First of all, let's get to the bottom of this. People always ask, you know, how come we don't put regular people on the podcast? And I didn't really want to start that process, you know, people who were fans of the show or listen to the show. Or I didn't want to start that process because it would I thought it would open up a bag of worms. But after knowing

you for the last year, I mean, you impressed me every fucking time I've seen you. You know, I'm an old guy. And half of you guys from Lee to not Rick Ramon, he's an old hag. And so is Jerry but the Agostino and you're all in your 20s. I could really be your fucking parent. I could really be your father's. And I don't have a son. But I look at all you guys and I say if I had a son, I'd want him to be like this, you know, you know, what I look for is not a muscular kid or some kid was good looking. I look for somebody who's got fucking heart, man. The people I grew up with and the people around me have heart. That's why when somebody comes to me and asks me advice about movies or television or comedy or podcast, I take it very seriously. And I watch that person

to see what they do with that advice afterward. And if they just are fucking around, I know it, they go away on their own. But if they're real, they stick around, they take that advice. And very few people do that. Very few people do that in this town. This town is a wind town. People wake up a morning and go, I could do that. And they move to this town, they bring a credit card with them. They do it. They cause havoc in the year and a half. They're here. Havoc. They're doing this. They're meeting with Jay Leno. They're doing this. And then one day they disappear and they hit you on Facebook and now they're selling milk in Alaska. And you go, what the fuck happened to that guy? He was the next Bob Hope. And obviously that didn't happen with you.

That's why we were talking about you on the podcast last week that you started, you know, you're a young kid. You were sending me emails about fucking baseball tickets. I'm like, who the fuck is this crazy motherfucker? And next thing I started coming to shows and we started talking, you told me you wanted to give this a try and that a try. And next thing you know, you're calling me up asking me if you should join SAG, that you're SAG eligible. I almost crashed my fucking car. I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about when you called me. I'm like, what's this kid talking about SAG? And then if you heard our conversation, you remember it, it kind of snapped because I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. You know,

I'm high 90% of the day. I'm shooting a car from working out. And I get these messages on the thing. I didn't know where to go. And I hung up with you and I go, I'm fucking proud of that fucking kid. Because when I got here, everybody was trying to be SAG. So everybody would be an extra to be SAG and blah, blah, blah. And they're going to have the answers. And they always held all the vouchers on you. It felt like how many vouchers do you need to be SAG? You need three. I think they're like, gotta have three now. I think they'll let you get two and then you have to suck 20 fucking black cocks to get the 30. It ain't much different. It's pretty much the same way unless you're a girl. I mean, the girls, every girl you meet on a set like, oh,

yeah, I got my SAG vouchers in two months and every guy's like, man, I've been trying for three years. And you started as an extra? Yeah, I started doing everything. My thought was I'd never been on a set. I didn't know what I was doing. So I just had to pick up anything I could just to get used to what, what terms and meant on sets, you know, when they, when they yelled action, I needed to know when I was supposed to move. I needed to know what to do. So I just wanted to do everything. And the very first thing I did, I got a voucher on. I was like, well, shit, maybe this, maybe I'm on to something here. And I had to work my ass off to get the rest of them. But I did everything in the meantime, music

videos, you know, independent films, anything that I could get, you just had to do it because everything was a learning experience. That's, you know, it's funny when I first got here, I lived in my car, I had nothing going on. And one of my secrets was I go every Wednesday and get a backstage. This is when they were fucking packed, jointly packed with film work and all this dumb shit, you know, student film work. You know, I didn't even, at that time, I couldn't afford the 200 a month for acting class. There was no way. So I decided to just do every shitty film that I would qualify for in that copy, you know, what did I give you a copy lunch and something else? Copy, yeah, like copy credit.

I must have done 10 of those fucking things. And you know, the other day I was thinking about that any of those things have a pan out, one of them made it to like, they actually showed us the film. And they said it was going to CBS and the people went back to England. And but I got a good friend from that. There's a guy that to this day, Lenny Serrano, that would tie this shit. We shot a commercial together a couple of years ago. It's amazing that 14 years later, he's got the gangster, he's in that gangster category. But it nothing panned out from it. Nobody's seen the fucking things. I may have made $150 from all 10 things. But you know what I got? I got fucking experience shortly. I got an experience that was invaluable that other comics didn't have because there's

two types of movies you shoot in the sound. There's the grudge match, Spider-Man twos, you know, longest yard where everything gets done for you. I mean, from they put the clothes down on your fucking trailer. Yeah, when you get to the trailer, there's your sides for the day, there's your paperwork, and there's the clothing laid out the way your mom would lay out clothing for you, even to the socks. If you ask for underwear, they'll even give you underwear. But then you go on, somebody chasing you around all day, somebody chasing you wherever you're at, where you're going, don't stray too far. But then you work on a student film where it's all you. If I had to work on a student film, like it's weird, that's what taught me how to work on the big movies.

Because once I got to the big movies, it was easy for me. Because for years, all I did was those movies where you changed in the bathroom. And there was no sitting area. You sat outside or inside. You found the stoop outside under a fucking tree, and that's where you stood till you fucking waited to shoot. And it's amazing how the roles get bigger and bigger, and then you start getting paid. Well, you don't get paid, you get a few dollars. They give you a ride. You get a lot of experience, just like you said, like, I like to watch what the other actors ask the director they want. Sometimes that alone is worth it. When you're watching what, how to get from the director, what he wants, it's, I mean, it's changed the way I act just from watching that.

It really is. I gotta do it. I knew Mike Judge's project. And I only worked on it because I knew it was Mike Judge, and I wanted to see how he worked. And the guy's meticulous about everything. I mean, he, he places every single person to the, to the foot. I mean, he will literally go up and move you an inch. He knows exactly what he wants. And sometimes that's, if you can just follow their directions, they'll hire you every time, anytime they need something like that. Yeah, no, no, you're right. Directors have their, but it's amazing how different directors work. And that's another thing that you learn. But what I'm impressed about is how you took the ball and ran with it jointly. A lot of people don't do that. A lot of people have to procrastinate about

something. I mean, you told me something last night that you were a waiter. Tell the people, and Shelley Winters came in. Yeah. Well, I moved out here to do music. Where'd you move from? Where'd you move from? From Ohio, from Dayton, Ohio. Oh, shit. Only two things come out of Dayton. Steers and queers. Which one are you and shit? Yeah, I believe they have spars in those people from Dayton. So, so yeah, I moved out here from music. And, and it seemed like there was always some little hang up with our band. If we got a tour, then one member, it would have a family emergency and couldn't make it. So we'd have to reschedule it. It turned into anything that I didn't have control over with me personally, like I couldn't count on. So while I was trying to be

a musician, I was working in a restaurant and Shelley Winters came in one day, and she kept watching me work. And then she finally called me over and she said, whatever you're doing with your life, you're not actually wasting your time. And we became best friends until she died, like I'd go over and hang out at her house three or four days a week, and she'd give me little like tips here and there, and she'd make me watch stuff with her. And she'd tell me different stories about her life and different things like that. And I was so set up on doing music, I just wouldn't do it. And then after she passed away, I quit doing music, and I just fell into a rut of doing nothing. And I started listening to your podcast. When you did the podcast with

Felicia, and I was listening to how you did it and how you kind of went from doing nothing to, you know, sleeping with shit by your head to being in movies. I started thinking, you know, Shelley told me I was supposed to do that, maybe I should start looking into that. And one day you said on the podcast, if any of you motherfuckers, if there's anything I can do to help you, let me know, I'll help you out. I said, well, fuck, I've been asking people for the last year how to get into acting, how to even submit a headshot for a part. And people would, they don't want to tell you, because they look at you as a competition. And they'll try and dissuade you. They'll say, oh, it's going to take you forever. And they'll give you every reason why you shouldn't even try.

And, and you actually wrote me a two page email, and you detailed everything, even to the point where you said, I'm going to be honest with you with your age, it's going to be hard for you because you're, you're too old to play a teenager and you're too young to play like a dad. So you were very straight up with me. I said, fuck it, I got nothing else going on. It's either this or getting a job at Sears. And, and I went with it. And I had a night job. I worked from 11 at night. So six in the morning. So some of the parts I get cast for the call time would be 7am. So I wouldn't even sleep. I just go from work to, to doing some movie or doing some music video all day. You know, but at night, that whole seven hours or eight hours I was working, I just listened to

your podcast. So you've actually kind of become like a motivational speaker for me. You can believe that. Well, I love it that I helped you at that level. But it's weird how I painted that picture for you because I'm a big fan of Black Sabbath. I'm a big fan of Black Sabbath if you know their music and their writing. Everything starts, everything starts off okay. But the last verse of the song, he reads you the riot act. And that's what people didn't like about Black Sabbath. It wasn't the stones where it was goody, goody, good time, you're jumping up and down. If you really listen to the story, if you really listen to the lyrics of Black Sabbath music, they're honest. They just paint the fucking picture. And then he shuts the fucking lights out on you from national

acrobat to hand the doom, all that shit. The last verse, we realize is what your word, you know, that whole last worth of national acrobat, he just reads you the riot act. And then life, that's important. I never wanted to be go to LA move. It's great. But this is what it is. This and then I read you the riot act at the end about what is expected from you. Because there's nothing worse than seeing somebody that thinks they're going to get into something, whether it be acting, being a plumber, becoming an attorney, and they think it's going to be a party. And they don't understand that at any level you do, whatever you do during the sacrifices, you had to stay up all fucking night to act at seven in the morning. Lee had to

come home at five. And he'd wait for me at six to do the fucking podcast. In life, there's sacrifices. And as a young kid in high school and in college, nobody burns those sacrifices into you. It's something you have to find out. You know, Jordan, right now I'm trying to write a book. I've been trying to write a book for a long time. It's a book of stories of my biography. It's just stories that lead up into a biography. I cannot release this book until I give you my mindset from 1980 to 1984, from November 8th of 1979 to 82. That's what you people really want to read. I'm telling you, all this shit about me going to prison, that's nonsense. That's just baby talk. The three years because what my mind was thinking. I wish that I had a piece of my mind then to

show you people and what I became. It's a very long journey, but not really. I went from wanting to be a killer to doing a podcast. Do you understand me Lee? I do a podcast now that we talk and we have a good time. That was not in my realm, in my brain at that age, but the suffering that what was that? What's that? Anybody's age from 20 to 23 is horrible. I would never want to do that again. From 17 to 27 is the worst time in a man's life in your brain because of what you think and what's going to happen. Lee's scared everything. Lee's got a job with me. Lee's my brother, but Lee wakes up and your parents say get security. You're scared. You don't know about the future. You have a degree, Lee. You're fine. You're covered. You're going to always be covered and you're still

scared sometimes. We're scared. We're scared. Jordan was because I used to go to the ice house. He would go to all the shows and I would have to call in the work and say I'm going to come a little bit late. I'd do the show. I'd run all the way across town and when he did it, I would see on Facebook because he'd always put on Facebook. I'm doing this print shoot for ESPN, the magazine. Sometimes it wasn't even acting and then I would say, how are you doing? How are you paying the bills? He explained to me about unemployment for a little bit and I think he did it like a year or two, like a year before I did and it was nice seeing him that someone could actually survive and pay the bills without the night job. You have to believe and you believe Jordan. I'm

very proud of you, man. I got a big shock too, Joey. I didn't tell you this part of it. So when I decided to quit my night job, because I felt like I was turning down things that I could probably be making money acting, I said, you know, one day you were saying if you don't put everything into it, you'll just, you'll never get, you'll never get to that point. You got to throw everything into it. So I did and I had a girlfriend at the time and she was very supportive of it and she was trying to do the same thing. So she said, yeah, quit your job and you know, together with our incomes will be fine. Well, it got too real and I put in my notice for my job and the last day of my job was on my birthday and I went to a concert on my birthday. When I came

home, she had moved to Arizona. So I thought we were going to be doing it together and my very first day of trying to be a professional actor, I was going to do it all on my own. And I still made it. I freaked out for the first day and I was like, fuck it. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Let's see what happened. Ain't nothing to freak out about. You're a young guy. They throw you out. You always got a tent. There's always, you could always, Mike Moratori said a good joke. People play homeless. People go camping. You're playing homeless or something. It was a great little line. That's true. As long as there's a tent, you always got a place to fucking live, brother. And I lived in a car. I lived in a fucking car. Yeah, no risk, no reward.

On Vista, I slept in a car that had a moonroof. I pushed the seat back and I put the air conditioner on. I fill up the tank. Don't ask me how. I got like 60 miles to the gallon and I'd sit on Vista and sleep from like one to six until the sun came in and you can't do it and you can't do it. Once the sun hits you outside, you can't do it. And I would sleep and I'd wait until the comedy store opened at nine and I'd run in and take a shower. Brush my teeth through all that shit and then I'd live the day and then at six o'clock I'd run back to the comedy store and take another shower before anybody could see me in the main room in the back. And that was my fucking life, guys, for a few months. And then when the car got towed, the apartment got towed,

I would sneak in and sleep in Ralphie's living room on the floor with no mattress, no nothing, just on the fucking floor, man. So it's what you want. You know, if your dream is that strong in your mouth, because if I told you to come over, then I may just sleep in the corner of my house. You go, Joey, go fuck yourself. But if you were in LA and you're pursuing your dream, that corner is a motherfucker. What, Joey? If I come to LA, you'll let me sleep in your corner for free, really? And let me take showers. Yeah, sleep in the corner like a mouse. Most people do it because their dream is that overwhelming. So I really appreciate you, Joey. You gave me belief in man again. That's what you did. Oh, hey, no, no, no. I appreciate you, Joey, because

nobody would give me any answers. Nobody would give me any help. And I was terrified to ask you, because to me, I mean, you are God. When I spend, you know, seven hours a night listening to your podcast, you know, just to ask you, I was terrified. And for you to be as cool as you were, and to detail everything that I had to do, and I did everything that you said, and it worked. And I did the work and it paid off. And so, you know, without you out there inspiring us, man, there aren't a lot of guys out there doing that. Well, thank you. But it's really weird what we think work is and what's, man, when you fucking put your mind to something, you just do it. You just do it. It's so fucking easy. But then again, it's so hard because when you put your mind to something,

people get hurt. People around you get hurt. They're like, what's going on with this fucking guy? You know, you've changed. Why are you such an asshole? No, there's what I have to do. There's things, you know, for years, I wouldn't go to parties. It's stupidity. You know, you want me to go to a party? I got to do a set first. It's like, it's like going to school when you were a kid. Like, you don't go to school, you can't go outside and play. If you can go to school, how the fuck are you going to go outside and play? Take care of business first, and then you play. I would do my spot at the store, right? Then I get a fucking grandma blow. I'd snort and put coke rocks in my asshole, whatever the fuck turned you on. And I know how many distractions there are in life.

So just, and you got an agent, I mean, you know, that's one of the hardest things to get in this fucking town. An agent to fucking even talk to you. Now you have a theatrical agent and a commercial agent. No, theatrical is what I got to get now. That's the tough one also. But it doesn't matter. You're working on your own. Well, you just did your first movie, right? I saw that like you in on location, you had a hotel room. Like I saw that. Yeah, I did two weeks on a Christmas movie. And it was amazing. They started editing it while we were doing it. So I actually got to see bits and pieces of it as they were putting it together. And it's gonna be great. It's gonna be hilarious. Now, where'd you book this out? What's the name of this movie?

It's called Christmas with the Karen Soses. Okay. It's a Greek kind of like family Christmas movie kind of like Christmas vacation. But man, it's so well written and it's so funny. The people that act in it are just amazing. And I went through, you know, literally a month worth of auditions for callbacks for this thing. And, and finally booked it, which is funny because I got my bag, my third bag voucher, and I was all ready to join. And then I booked the movie and they said, if you, if you joined SAG, you can't do the movie. So I said, okay, well, there's another sign. So I'm going to, you know, do the movie first. And, and then I joined SAG, you know, that's when people started telling me not to join and coming in on about it. So I called,

you're the only one that I knew would hit me, hit me straight with it, you know, everybody else has, you know, even my agents, the agents are going to, they're in it for them. If they, you know, if they can make more money on you being one or the other, that's what they'll tell you. But I need to know for me, what's better for my career. You know, man, when you come out here, there's two, there's two mindsets to SAG. SAG is a screen actor's guilt. Most people who are at home and it's a union for actors. It's been around for whatever. Is it a great union? If you have a beef with a fucking director or a producer and they fire you, will they go to bat fear? You know, but it is what it is, guys. And I'm going to tell you

how important it is to me. And when, when, when my man over here called me and said to me that he was thinking about it, he was eligible for SAG. I sat there for a second to call and I know what people are saying. If you could join SAG, but you, you could go, whatever, what is it called? You can go, what's called a FICOR, which means you're SAG, but you don't get any benefits. Okay. So you're SAG, but you can still work non-union, correct? Yeah. Okay. I don't have much in my wallet. I have a picture of my friend, Daniel Rago, who's with me every day. He's been dead for 13 years. I have a GNC gold card. I have a prayer card that Rodrigo Torres gave me from Mexico from St. Jude.

And right here is my SAG card. I would never carry this with me because this does nothing for me. But to me, I look at this and I just shake my fucking head. I shake my head. Oh, and with the SAG card comes this, which is level one fucking insurance. Okay. Which means I could get fucking health benefits. I could get, I have a mental health now. If I snap, I have, I could go to a drug rehab and they pay for it. That's level one, level two. You get no life insurance, no rehab, and no mental health. You get a vision and everything else. Okay. I get my sleep at me and machine. Guys, I was in fucking prison 20 years ago. Guys, I mugged the hooker with a little wig on fire. Guys, I had no fucking family. Guys, I have no money. I have nothing. But guess what?

I'll go out of this world being screen actors guilt. And I've been a member, it says it on the fucking card since, fuck, since 1997, bitches. And that's when I came out here. So I came out here, it was meant for me. And I may not do anything else in my life, anything else in my life. But one thing I was, I was a screen actors guilt. Now, do you think those conversations I had with my high school counselor, we talked about me being the screen actors guilt? Do you think the conversations I have with my counselor in prison, we spoke about me, who want to be in the screen actors guilt? No. So this is just to let you know how your life works out guys, if you're young, you're scared, listen, just fucking pick one thing, go for it. And other doors are open. Sometimes by going for

one thing, other doors open. I mean, you hang out at the store. So you have a flavor of comedy. I mean, you have so many things going on right now, Jordan Lee, you know? Yeah. And I can't tell you, I'm fucking proud of you to the end, because I see people come and go in this motherfucker. And you came and we always communicate on email. You always send me little tidbits of what you're doing, and how you're doing. So I didn't want you to think I wasn't paying attention to you, brother. The call from SAG pushed me over the fucking top. The call from SAG pushed me over the top. And I'm sorry about my initial reaction, because I had 1000 things on my mind with the baby and Lee and the podcast. So sometimes I don't grasp it. Once I grasp it, I told you how it was.

What the fuck? You get the card, now you go on jobs, how many jobs you go to, and they want you to be fucking SAG. For you to do a movie with fucking Pacino, you got to be fucking SAG. You can't even get auditions for real movies and TV if you want a part without being SAG. They want to see you. You want to fucking do something with that old lady that was in the longest yard, the lady who's on Raising Hope Now, that's really funny. You got to be in SAG. None of the union is great in the beginning if you want to do work, but if you go fight quirk and you go right back to SAG at one point, or no. I don't know how that works. See, that's the scary thing. That's the scary thing. And I'm going to tell you something. I'm

going to tell you something on the record too. I can't tell you how I know, but I can tell you something on the record. I know that if a good fucking non-union job comes up, you could still do it and get away with it. I know friends, I know people who have done tremendous non-union work that have taken a chance and shot it. I had a friend who used to book commercials in Sweden every Thursday. Every Thursday for a summer, this motherfucker would shoot book commercials in Sweden. They would send him scripts on Monday and he would have to shoot six commercials on Thursday, which started six in the morning in Venice. This company liked all the way Venice looked. So they liked the way Venice looked at six in the fucking morning and five in the morning.

I'm not kidding you guys. From six in the morning to ten, he would shoot five fucking commercials with no conversation. Guys sweeping, guys dancing, and he would pay you six hundred bucks just like that. Whether you fucking swept for an hour, it would take you a half hour when it was non-union. You know how many times I knew people went down there that were fucking struggling, that were union actors and work for this guy? And I was one of the few assholes that didn't do it. And so this day I want to kick myself in the fucking ass. You know how many people went down there on Thursday for six, seven weeks straight and picked up six hundred dollars every fucking Thursday for ten minutes of work? They would put Swedish music on or something. And you would come

out water plants to Swedish music or sweep in front of your business or dance in front of your business like a bohemian fucking. So it's what you really want to do, man. And these motherfuckers at least SAG and AFTER got together now. It used to be how to join AG, SAG, AFTER. If you wanted to see them, they got a fucking club. It's only getting more expensive too, Joey, because in the time that I was eligible and the time that I joined it was a two-month span and the price went up a hundred dollars in that time. And somebody I was trying to get advice from before I talked to you, he told me he was eligible three different times and he's like at one time I was going to join and I didn't. It was 1500. The next time it was up to 17 and it was up to 25.

Like they're just going to keep raising it. If I don't join now, you know, that money that I have to join, it's going to go away. You know how people like you and I are. We got it. We'll spend it. If you look at the fucking SAG book, there's offices in Nashville. There's offices in Houston. There's offices in New Orleans, New York, Miami. You go to any of those areas, check into the SAG office and you'll pick up work. I swear to God, you pick up work. You know? And to me, there was just something about being Screen Actors Guild because I came from nothing. I never dreamed that I would be in any fucking union except like a Longshoreman's Union or a Warehouse Union. Here I am hanging out with fucking Republicans, you know what I'm saying? And Jews. And Republicans who

hate Jews and Jews who hate Republicans, you know what I'm saying? Lisa, what do you think of my man Jordan Lee? I mean, you and Lee are tight. Like I said, he did it before me and it's just great to see him. It started off slow like once or twice a month, there'd be something. And now it seems like every week going to auditions and there's new headshots. And you know what's cool is when I see you guys at the Ice House shows, I saw over the time that I quit and that I started doing this. I saw Lee's confidence grow and him quitting because we've been watching you want to quit your job from a year, Lee. You just look so miserable before you go into work. And I could tell when I quit, you got a little bit of hope in your eyes where I could tell you were going to

do it soon. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking because it was the happiest time. Even before we did the live podcast, Joey was just doing the Testicle Testaments and you just sit there for an hour and a half and go and talk to people outside and then I have to drive all the way to fucking Beverly Hills and sit at work for 12 hours. But it was funny. You said you panicked when you the first day of not having a job. The first day I didn't have a job. I signed up for about 17 of those sites where you do opinion polls. Opinions and they give you points and you're supposed to be able to get money. But after about two hours of doing it, I had like eight points. It's like 20,000 points to get a $20 gift card. I was like, fuck you. I got to answer questions. I had a panic attack. I was

signing up for every one of them and I still get emails from them. Guys, the personal growth. Listen to me tell you something. I have a dear friend that I just found out he has another day job and I'm about to have a talk with him because he's been here as long as I have. And he's been struggling. He's with the same agency as you. You know, he has the same opportunity as you and he doesn't book anything. And the reason why he doesn't book anything is because he's got a stupid fucking day job. What were we talking about the other day? Everybody wants to be a fucking Melinda, but nobody wants to get into the net. So I applaud you and I applaud Lee. The number and this is hard for me to say on a podcast that has thousands of listeners. This will be one of the hardest

things and I say some rational fucking things on here. But this is the hardest thing I'm going to tell you guys. And it's hard for me to say because I do not pay your bills. I am not there when you're at the supermarket. People who usually say that do not pay your fucking that they say this freely. It's fucking people who are well off. I don't know the value of a dollar. Everybody knows I know the value of a dollar. So I'm going to go on and let me say this. The biggest personal growth you have in your life. I'm telling you this guys is when you quit, you're what's holding you down, which isn't holding you down. I'm saying it wrong. What when you quit your job and take that much belief in what you do. There's no better high. I could get the hottest 10 chicks to suck your

asshole, suck your balls and suck your dick at the same time. I could give you a million dollars. Nothing will feel as liberating as the day you do what you do and you make money from what you do that you love. There's nothing that compares to that. And every month I have to pinch myself. Every month I look at myself because we all start from zero on the first. On the first, Jordan, guess what? You know better than me and the leaves know better than me and I'm no better than you. But somewhere around the 17th when you start looking, feeling hope, losing hope, something happens. I've told you a thousand times for a year I paid my rent late, but I paid it. Because I always booked some on the 30th and I had to wait seven days to get paid or 10 days

to get paid. So trust me, Jordan, I applaud you with all my heart because you've gone, it's when you become a man in sorts. When you really quit your arbitrage and this happens when you get rid of that woman. This happens when you kick that drug. This happens at so many different levels. When you look at your pants and you've lost 80 pounds, the liberation of you being under that cloud. When I lost my addiction, nothing was as positive for me guys as when I got to do this. And I took a chance and said, fuck it. And people knock it up. Well, you have a girlfriend. My girlfriend had no fucking money. My fucking girlfriend worked at Starbucks. My girlfriend was out of work for a year before we got Spider-Man. The night before I got Spider-Man, Jeff Garcia

gave me $40. I had to borrow $40 from Jeff Garcia just so I would have money on the plane ride to fucking New Mexico with Adam Sandler. When I got to New Mexico, I had $5 in my pocket, maybe eight cigarettes and one joint. Don't fucking tell me about hunger and embarrassment and whatever. The biggest embarrassment you're going to have in your life is if you don't live your fucking dream, is if you don't have that personal growth. And I lowly scared. Lee was scared a month ago. He ain't scared no more. I could look at his fucking eyes. He ain't scared no more because Lee, it's going to happen. Trust me, guys, when you quit your albatross and you go for what you believe in and what your morals are, your life will change. And Jordan, you've

made me a fucking believer in you. If there's anything I could ever do for you, you know, you've got a fucking home here and a family. And I really wanted you to call in because you are definitely, they got sons of Anarchy. You're one of the sons of the fucking church, motherfucker. Well, you know, Joey, I appreciate everything you've ever done for me. And one of the things that you and I both share is we have a love for Pete Rose and Bruce Lee. And one thing about those guys is that if you don't put everything into it, you'll never be great. And you remind me of that every time you're on here talking. And I just, I ran with it. You know, I can't thank you enough for what you do. Well, I'm very proud of you. And I love you. And I'll see you sadly.

And in fact, I was going to raffle off my roaches from the last year I'm giving them to you. Oh, the last year and a half are roaches from the church. That's another thing I wanted to thank you, Joey. All the time that I was poor, and you've invited me out to your shows and you've told me not to pay and you've let me in my dates and like, man, that I can't thank you enough for that too. I know what people go through, bro. I know I've walked this walk with you, motherfuckers. I know what it is to want. I know what it is to go somewhere and have 10 bucks in your pocket and not get something to eat and smile and go, no, I'm not hungry. I know what it's like, man. And if I can ever help you out, man, I'm here for you. Thank you for calling

today. And we're very proud of you. And I'll see you Saturday night with your congratulatory roaches. Let me tell you something. You take these motherfuckers home, you open them with a scissor and you roll one big joint, you smoke it, Doug. What's in that thing of weed is a pleasure of the best weed that's come through LA the last year. Oh, you know, I will. And it's all hard. You know, when you get lasagna and you cook half of it and you freeze the other half and you eat it six months later, it's delicious. That's what this shit is. Have a great weekend. I'll see you guys Saturday night. I'll see you Saturday 9 30, bro. I love you. All right, love you, buddy. Thank you, man. Yesterday, Lee, I woke up

right early and I was sick and fucking tired. And I shouldn't say this people, but all fucking week, I know it's been snowing and everybody's had bad weather all over the fucking country in Canada. Yesterday was like 91 here. And the day before it was 92. So suck my dick and call me shorty. But let me tell you what happened. What's been happening is it's been nice all week, but that's Lee. It gets sunny in the morning. Then at 10 o'clock for like three days, it gets fucking cloudy. Yeah. And by the time you get out to 11, there's nothing left but fucking clouds and you got a fucking grin and an upside down smile. You're like, what the fuck? What happened to the sun? So yesterday I got up about seven, a little bit too early because I went to the

John Lovitt's Comedy Club Friday as I was out late. And I made a protein shake. I rolled a little bit. I played with the cats. I cleaned up and about nine o'clock, I couldn't take a leak. I was going to wait till about 11 and do it. I go, no, I gotta get out of the house. My body's craving the sun. I put some shorts on. I took two fucking shroom tags. Okay. Now, before I left the house, I called John Salami. They were salami. I'll meet you tonight at eight o'clock. Let's roll tonight because I only have two kettlebell classes this week. So I wanna, I could roll one extra day. I could do Jiu-Jitsu, roll, like really work on my cardio. I'm going to a seminar Sunday. Leave my first Jiu-Jitsu seminar. It's region, Hegan Machado. Are you a tournament?

No, no, no, no. It's like a seminar where you learn certain moves from a big guy. He's a big chubby guy named Hegan Machado. He's a black belt master too. He has a school in Beverly Hills, but he's a bigger guy. So my cousin, Julio, who called the podcast, got his black belt from him, and Salami knows him well. So I'm going to take a seminar on Sunday. So I want to be, my breathing to be good when I go. I don't want to embarrass my friends and any bravo. So I said, let me get a fucking workout under the sun. So I was going to go to North Hollywood Park. So I popped two kids aspirants for my heart. Okay. And I popped two fucking shroom tags. I smoked some pot. I took a piss and phew. I got in the car and I went down to fucking the park. I got out first. I had the

Walkman, the iPod. I'm the Walkman, the iPod. And I walked around. I wouldn't have been shocked if it was a Walkman. You know me, Doug. I walked around twice. Then for two laps and it was hot. I didn't bring any water. Oh, so here I am all fucking speeded out on the fucking mushrooms from on it and the fucking baby medication, the baby heart pills. And I walk around too and I go, all right, on this one, I'm going to do the Dolce run. I'm going to run for 30 and walk for two minutes and run for 30 and I did that. Leah was fucking suck and wind after the first one. There was one fucking run that had to walk like four minutes instead of two. I had to just catch my breath, but I didn't stop. And that's the most important thing. It's a big part. Yeah, you keep your heart rate up.

And then I ran the last two. And after that, I'm like, I need water. I go, fuck this. And I went and got the two kettlebells out of the trunk of the car. I have a 35 pound one, a 45 pound one. And I walked across fucking North Hollywood Park, like half of it, not the whole thing. I was walked across half of it and back. I did that four times with the weights. It's good for your mind. It opens up neurological shit. Then I put that down and started doing clean and clean and clean and squats with the kettlebell with 35 pounds. And I just started doing sets of 10 swings with the fucking Russian swings at the kettlebell. It was hot. My t-shirt was drenched. I could feel the sweat in my balls. I could feel the sweat on the top of my socks from my legs. I was fucking hot.

So I walked up to fucking 7-eleven. It was like another 30 yard walk to 7-eleven on the corner there of Magnolia and Tonga. And I went in and I got this fucking water. And when I was drinking outside in the heat, I said, I'm 51 years old on fucking Wednesday. And this is what I'm doing on a Sunday morning. Thank you on it. And that's what I'm getting to shroom tech, motherfuckers. You could be old, young shroom tech will get you out of the house and want to work on a Sunday morning. I went back. I had a protein shake with some glutamine in it. I fucking fed the cats. I hung out. What'd I do? I met those guys. I had one egg with two pieces of bacon and a piece of wheat toast for breakfast. I went and met those guys for the fucking web series.

I came back and I don't know what I ate. After that, I had a shrimp with the cats. And then I went and had an egg omelet with fucking the cheese omelet with Jerry LaRocha last night. But the point being, I'm telling you what, I'm living this on it lifestyle. Give on it a fucking break, man. I'm 51 years old. For breakfast every morning, I have the hemp force protein, the chocolate or the acai vanilla. You know, they've got they've got these new fucking things on there. Just go to on it.com, go to the webpage and let them open you up from the kettle bells to the animal bells to just the regular kettle bells. Listen, I'm a strong believer in the shroom tech. It was a hard sell for me, but between Einstein and Joe Rogan and

even Dave with the quadriceps mushrooms that opened you up, whether you want to fucking have more endurance or you want to fucking have your immune system, that shit is fucking on the money. Go to honor.com, get the hemp force, get the honor, the fucking strong bone. I haven't taken a walk because I haven't had no fucking injuries. But somebody the other day wrote me an email about strong bone. I forgot all about fucking strong bone. You know, go to honor.com, see what they got, put in fucking church in the box, get 10% off pictures, church in the box, get 10% off. They have a stay on it where they send you the stuff automatically. Like my other brothers from a different mother dollar shave club, another fucking company that puts it together for you.

The razors, they're fucking like little new trucks. They're like little fucking weapons. They're gonna last. It's a dollar, $6 or $9. Why deal with rusty fucking razors? Why deal with fucking lines? Why deal with this fucking nonsense? Go to fucking joeydeers.net or go to dollarshaveclub.com, go to the box when you order and press in church, church, C-H-U-R-C-H. Get your fucking deals for the month, whether it's a dollar, the $6 plan or a $9 plan. You cannot go wrong. 6 times 12 is what? $72 a year. And you got some of the best razors out there going. Order the fucking wipes for your ass, the one wipe charlies. Let your ass smell like fucking Christmas in the fourth of July. Why walk around with your ass smelling like a fucking billy goat? You know, they got the

cocoa butter to shave. I ain't fucking here pushing shit on you. Hulu Plus, again, if you go to a website for Hulu Plus, they give you one week for free. And I think it's like, I don't know what it is. We give you two weeks for free, $7.99 a month. Original program and documentaries, fucking drama. You got entertainment. You got a clean fucking asshole. You're shaving and you're healthy. Who's better than fucking the church or what's happening now with Lisa Ayat and Joey fucking Diaz? Nobody. I got emotional, baby. I love it. Yeah, that was a nice fucking run, yes. I haven't run a long time. I couldn't go to jujitsu last night. I'd take two ibuprofans. Well, yeah, man, fucking it sounds especially caring like 70 pounds was that much to fucking hurt.

But I want to get out there. I want to give my heart some fucking love for taking care of me over the fucking years is very important. Yeah. Now you go up there. You know, the Jordan Lee thing really had me going because you know what, man, he's a great kid. And it just does something to people. I put him on because he just impressed the fuck out of me. And I want to let you know that sometimes things look like they're far from what you want. You get them. You can fucking get them. You just got to put your blinders on, cut out the bullshit and fucking go for it, man. It's very easy. There's 30% of shit in your life that shouldn't be going on that you don't even readjust or whatever. Who gives a fuck? Get the fuck rid of them. They're wasting your fucking

life as a thorn in your side. It's holding you the fuck back. Jordan makes it seem easy. Good looking kid, young, but he's no better than you and me. No, I mean, and it's, it's crazy how I have this friend who moved out here like two years ago and says he's an actor, hasn't done anything. I'm like, I haven't said anything to him, but like, Jordan's been doing it for about a year and he's doing done SAG and it's crazy when you actually put the time and effort into it, how what makes the difference. You know, man, it sucks. It sucks telling people I didn't want as soon as I got into comedy. I didn't want a job. I lived such a life of fucking poor them. It was ridiculous. It was ridiculously for a couple of years. I was so fucking poor and I enjoyed it because I just

wanted to focus on comedy and it's not cool in a way, but it's what you call for. It's what makes you tougher, which it's what makes you believe that you really are a comedian. It's tough to convince me I'm a comedian when I'm fucking cooking food from eight to fucking six at night. Really? Yeah. What do you do? I'm a comedian. Give me a fucking double cheeseburger and shut your fucking, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's why you want. Oh, I thought you meant your own food. You meant like a restaurant. Okay. No, no, no, no. It's tough. It's tough to fucking sell. Yeah. It's tough to really sell. And I also want to give a shout out to one of our new sponsors, who are the nicest fucking people in the world. And they got a great product for you.

You want, you know, I've never jumped in one. I talked to Rogan about the other day and they gave me the guy's number in Burbank. I guess I'm gonna go and I'm bringing you with me. I'd love to do it. All right, let's go to one of these fucking tanks, this flotation tank. You gotta go and make it, we'll eat a goomy, we'll eat a goomy and we'll go and then we'll come on and write what ideas we got. How's that going? Let's do it. There you go. But you don't, if you don't have a place to float and you just want to float in the privacy of your home, go to escapepodtank.com. Okay. They have fucking the best flotation tanks. I have a buddy of mine who called me and said that he looked into the tanks and he doesn't have the money right now.

But he goes, it's that good and it's that good of a fucking price. This guy lives in Baltimore and he listened to the podcast and he called me a couple of days ago. He goes, Doug, how did you get these people? How'd you get involved? He goes, that's a really good fucking tank and it is cheaper. So he was telling me, you save anywhere from two to three grand, you could fly them, they'll fly it out the way you go. They'll send it to where the hell you live. They'll even come out and stall it for you. I mean, you might have to pick up a plane ticket, maybe a couple of days in the hotel, but everything's done right and you don't have to share your fucking nutsack and go somewhere else. I know they disinfect them and whatever.

They usually take a bunch of hot water. They put 800 or 50 fucking pounds of epsom salt. You go in there and you go in there. They close the fucking lid. There's no light. It's warm when you just think and you just float. The water is the same temperature as your skin. I heard it's tremendous. I just never knew. But listen, whatever you think, look into it. Go to escapepodtank.com. They're affordable. They're high fucking quality. Mention us. Mention the church, what's happening now. Mention Joe E.D. Ascension. And you get $250 off. $250 off. That's a bag of fucking weed in some societies. You know what I'm saying? That's a bag of weed, a black hooker and a fucking hot dog afterwards. So knock yourself out.

Go to escapepodtank.com. Look at the different tanks that they have. See if one works for you. Call them up. They're the nicest guys in the fucking world. Call them up. Tell them we sent you, right? $250 off. Not today, tomorrow, any day you get into it. Look into it. Just do me that favor. Go to escapepodtank.com. And stop fucking around. And you got Hulu Plus. You can go to escapepodtank.com. Shave your nuts. Come out and watch fucking Hulu Plus. I love it. I'm always giving you fucking options, cocksuckers. That's how we roll here at the church of what's happening now. Don't forget 10 Planet. You walk in there. You get a fucking couple of fucking weeks for whatever's left for free. Go into 10 Planet. And that's it. Ice House, Saturday night, 9.30.

Combination podcast, a little standup show. Oh shit. It's an Enchantment of the Evening with Joey Diaz. Next week, I'm going to laugh Boston on the Thursday to 27th to March 1st. What the fuck else are we giving you here? Hey, more podcasts. Go to lisaite.com. And all the podcasts I do with Jerry Roggia, Rick Mimos, Steve Simone. They're all at lisaite.com. I have stickers now. I'm going to have t-shirts up pretty soon. Why, right? T-shirt. I'm going to do something. Oh yeah, a t-shirt. And then also, I wanted to talk to you really quickly. I watched The Shining for the first time this weekend. I forgot to tell you, Jack Nicholson is fucking scary as shit. Did you watch the movies you were supposed to watch with Rick? Some of them. I've seen two of them.

We're watching a bunch of cool movies with Rick this week. What movies? We're watching Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia, The Wild Bunch. Oh, shit. Which I've seen those two. I have to watch Star Dogs. And then there's one more. It's another Peck and Paw movie. So this is the first time you ever watched The Shining? Yeah. And what did you think? It was fucking creepy as shit. I don't like scary movies, man. But it was really creepy. It's weird seeing the actors I know now as old, younger. It was creepy. I didn't fucking like it, man. I don't like watching those movies. They get into your brain. And the music is the fucking probably the scariest part because it's not, if you just watched the movie, it's not that scary. If I took you up there for lunch, would you go with

me now? The fucking that hotel? Yeah. Fuck no. You know what's one of the big, I forget the name of the, I forget the name of the hotel, but I forget the name of the place. That's just Park, Colorado was one of the most visited spots in the United States every year. It's hard to believe they have squirrels that come up to you and eat. Really? They have a buffet up there on Sundays. That's world-class. Like, oh, you can eat buffet. You go fucking crazy. Yeah. You just stay up there. You end up with no clothes on and a bunch of grapes in your fucking mouth. Spit not season to the air like a doctor. Fuck you kid. That motherfucker you. Fuckin. What? I can't, those movies are still good. They get so deep into my brain. Fucking just Jack Nicholson just fucking

going crazy. The little red brumb, the little girls and shit. How creepy was the wife? That wife was creepy as fuck ain't she? Her fucking mouth. What do you see? What do you see? And he's like a little half a fact that kid. They should have stabbed that motherfucker right there. He was like, kill somebody. His little finger. Oh my god. How are you? What the fuck? But it's weird how they would never let that Jack Nicholson's character be the same way because right from the beginning he was an asshole. It wasn't like he was a great guy before and he just got fucking worse. He was a frustrated writer. He was frustrated. He was like most Americans. I get like that. Well, it's frustrated but he fucking hit the kid ones. He was a drunk and he was like

it's just I notice how he was so stern with the wife and the kid even on the drive up and it was a different time back then. Like guys were allowed to be like that. Now would have been he's abusive and fuck. I just oh my god. His fucking eyebrows are the fucking scariest eyebrows in the fucking so you watched the whole movie? Oh yeah. I didn't want to but yeah. There are parts of it that might have run into other covers but yeah. The fucking the biggest thing people thought about the black guy. How good was he? He was great but he fucking had no plan. He's gonna fly up from Miami that day. Just walking. Hey what is anybody here? Wait I'm dead with an axe in two seconds. He doesn't have any plan. He just walks in. Fucking asshole. What plan did you want to have?

He knew. Bring a gun. He knew there was gonna be drama up there. He's the only black guy come from Miami with a coat on. Anybody here? Just fucking oh my fucking idiot. Fucking ruin my day and then the little idiot kid when he got outside when he came out when he slid down the window he came back into the fucking hotel. What did he come back into the hotel for? Indian. Let me ask you this. Mr. Movie Critic. Yeah. What did you think when he had that talk with him about shiny? Did you understand what he was talking about? Yeah. That was pretty cool. That was pretty cool. That he could sense it. He's like you know what? Yeah that was pretty deep. You know how I know your name was Doc? Fuck. It was pretty cool how he brought him. He brought him from Miami and he that's a

fucking come. Anybody here? Fuck. It was a good fucking movie. It was I fucking freaked me out. You just got to talk a little bit alright. I don't like scary movies. Next week you watched The Exorcist yet? Yes. A couple months ago with her. She loves scary movies. I can't fucking stand up. The Exorcist is a fucking mind fuck. I love. I watch her every time it's on IFC. How do you do that to yourself? Why? Just watch a happy movie. I see the brilliance. I really see the brilliance of making a movie like that. Not now. Not a scary movie now. The last real good scary movie to me was Nightmare on Elm Street. The first one. But Hostels I heard of fucking good too and all that shit but I like to mind psychological movies that fuck with you. I can't do it. You know what I watched

the other day? I fucked with me a little bit. What? Movie Richard Gear made with Andy Garcia. Holy fuck that movie is fucked up. That movie is fucked up. It was on the other night. It came on 8070. Internal affairs? Yeah. And it came on 90. Yeah that movie fucked. Yeah you're right 90. Came out with Pretty Women right? Pretty Women's in there. Oh let's see. Pretty Women and that. That came out first and Pretty Women came out because you would hate Richard Gear after fucking Internal Affairs. Fuck. I don't mind. I actually didn't. I liked Silence of the Lambs. That one wasn't as scary as more of like a you have to think about it. I don't like the fucking weird little twin girls and that fucking butler that was fucking creepy as shit coming out of

nowhere. We, you're taking this too much too seriously. That's why I love you. And that's why the fucking church is here. That's why we're getting the fuck out of here. You understand me? I want to thank you for listening today. I know it's George Washington's fucking birthday and all star NBA weekend. A lot of black people there this week. I saw that tweet. People got pissed off at me last night but I didn't mean it that way. I mentioned that there was just a lot of black people and they were gonna start jumping up with fucking hooloos and whatever. Zooloos whatever the fuck. Zooloos? Anyway. Hooloos what are they? Zooloos right? Yeah. That's what I meant that they would start jumping up and down. I thought they were monkeys or whatever that

kid turned it into. Anyway. I love you guys. Thank you very much for a great podcast today. I hope you guys got something out of it and what I was trying to say. Just go for it. Who gives a fuck? Have more fucking dick at the end. At the end when you're in a fucking casket, you think anybody's gonna give a fuck? You're gonna give a fuck as you're floating that you did something. That you did something that you slung dick while you were on dessert. That's the most important thing at the end of the week, right brother? Couldn't agree more. Saturday the ice house, 9.30 if you're not there, you're fucking slipping. See you Wednesday at 6 a.m. you bad motherfuckers. I'll be 51 years old ready to rock on Wednesday when you cock suck it. So get it

together. I love you. Have a great day and stay blackish. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free. Shout out to Waterboxer. Free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is your binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com, forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. And lastly, go to escapepodtank.com, mention Joey Diaz

and get $250 off. And my mission's as a rider to catch you while she hot and warm. Go up inside her, then I split some game in an ego to tell you hope. You put what money in a bin, this bitch in bed, you broke. I'm smoking bomb-ass leaves when they're crucial. From player to player, the gang's right to feel it's mutual. From hustling to praise, to begging motherfuckers to pay. I got no time when he vented, the thieves don't talk to players. I'm on a meal ticket mission, wanna meet someone wishing competition, got me ripped. On that bullshit, they stressin'. I'm around, go clown hoes

like it's mandatory. No class, no glory, my nigga bitch got the game to sort it. Now it's on and it's on, because I said so. Keep trust the bitch in the vineyard, so I got with dad, bro. Now these money-hungry bitches gettin' suspicious, started blockin' the plan and don't scheme to come and trick us. But the niggas be on point and game tight. He's like a burglar, he's wrapped up the same night. Got pots, then handle it, my fucker, see me. These niggas is jealous, just deep in it off, they gonna beat me. And now you got me right beside ya. Hopin' you listen, I catch you payin' attention to my business as a product. My business as a product, but the game, the game is straight out of it.

It was my only wish to rise, above his jealous cabin. Motherfuckers, I despise when it's time to ride. I was the first I could decide, to give me an honest. I'm ready to die right here tonight, motherfuckers like. That's what they screamin' as they jail me, but I'm off to kill. So I'm in fire. That's all you kill, we witness my steel. Spittin' it at the series, envious and after me. I'll ride the doll before they catch me, watch me bleed. Mama, come rescue me, I'm suicidal, if you doze. I'm in a sick set, every bullet's flying when I'm short. Fuck through my jail time, better day sacrifice. Don't get a chance to do me like it kept my nigga tight. Cuck if I like it. I mean, if you write a nigga, die for it. If the motherfuckers try, at least

you try for it. When it's time to gotta be a man, to pick up where you need. Fuck me and the police, my ambitions, that's what hard to try. I'm just terrified, you don't want to fuck with me. My ambitions, that's what broad is fussin', but they can't do nothing to achieve. My motive was lyrics, he broke my spirit to the thugs, performed his pay off, a blocky vapor gas, cause I know they comin' for me. I've been hesitant to be a peer, been away for years, never got my other side, been reduced to tear, question my mental, switch with the speed, show us a bit you bleed. Niggas are vilified, my mother's corrupt to see. Blast me, but they didn't finish, didn't de-mix, my partners are never about to be a motherfuckin' nigga. They got this body clock, set me up,

have bitch ass niggas on my team, someone see, they wet me up. But I'm back, we ain't callin', they callin' you. They call some radio at the time, they call the breakaway, they call me, that's who we live with this legendary, musical mercenary for money. I had these motherfuckers brought me. You can much better tell, niggas tellin' me to kill it. Knowin' when I get out, they gon' fill it, we ain't the realest, or who ride her when I put this shit inside the car from all your people, when they find her, what's your mind? My history, a proof of clinic, revenge on the niggas to play, and all the cowards that was down with it. Now it's your nigga right beside ya. Open your ears and listen, got you playin' it. Pitch it to my bitches as a product.