Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #152 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, April 4th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, CBD Lion & Better Help.…. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code JOEY to get $200 in free bets when you spend $5… If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP(AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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and try the Delta 9s or the CBD gummies with melatonin. And now without further ado, it's time to get this motherfucking party started. Check one, two, welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's a beautiful Monday morning. April, the motherfucking fort. The first quarter is done.

If you fucking didn't wake up from your fucking slumber, it's time to wake up, cocksuckers, because it's getting real out there. Anyway, it was a great fucking week last week, you know, with the lead thing. This weekend was fucking phenomenal in more ways than one, but I didn't do anything. You ever have those weekends where you're like, fuck,

I'm tired, but I didn't do shit. But let's get it out of the way. Friday night, Friday morning. Well, let's back this motherfucker up. About two weeks ago, I got a call from Tom Seguri. You guys know he's my motherfucking brother. I love that dude and he told me he wanted to come back here and he was coming back here for a week

and he wanted to see me one of the nights. I should come to one of the shows and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the last thing I want to do is go to a fucking comedy show, but he called again and then he double checked again and I had already plans for Friday night. I mean, they weren't, I was going to go to the field, watch the kids and then go to dinner with the parents. I got to the field.

It was fucking freezing out that motherfucker. I mean, and I'm like, this ain't even my kid that's playing. Why am I out here fucking freezing my balls off? And then he called again and he's like, bro, you coming to show starts at 730. I don't like driving at night. So I had called the front of mind. He hadn't called me back yet to maybe take a ride up there.

So I said, listen, let me, I called my coach over at Hollis Grace, my man Sean. And I said, listen, be on alert. We might go to Tom Segura and he's like, I'm in. And I was like, I don't know if I want to go and at the field, Tom hit me again and he goes, listen, you coming. I go, listen, I can't get a ride. He goes, listen, I'll send an Uber.

Once he said you send an Uber. I'm like, fuck it. I'll go. I called my man Sean. I call Florentine. Once they say they're going to send the Uber. Listen, everybody invites you to things, right? In this life, people like, I love for you to come and you're like,

I don't want to go nowhere. But once they say, listen, I'm sending a car for you. Okay. If you want me there that much, I see you. I'll fucking be there. So I met Sean. I met Jimmy Florentine and we took a ride up to fucking Newark. Newark look beautiful that night.

I mean, on the way out, then I saw the bums and the crack holes and, you know, people trying to mug people. But Newark on a Friday night is beautiful, especially what Tom was. We got down there and to boot. Not only did he say fucking, I'll send the new, but he goes, if you drive, I'll give you backstage parking right behind the fucking bus. You won't have to walk or anything. I mean, listen, he made it as easy as can be for Uncle Joe.

He followed me. We get up there. Now I forgot to drop the fucking main thing. But before I went to the football field, I dropped a thousand milligrams of ABX because I didn't, you know, it's not my kid and fucking we're going to dinner. So I want to spruce up the fucking, the appetite a little bit and just go out and giggle with the parents, you know, they don't get high. So decided a table I sit with, they don't get high.

So I just fucking goof around with them and shit. So I had already a thousand. I had five of those ABX CBO fucking capsules. I gave Lee one on a Friday. He called me Tuesday. He said he just came down from it. Those things are strong. I inhaled five of those motherfuckers in the car on the way there.

It was starting to hit me like I was giggling in my head by myself and shit. And I'm like, I'm going to go sit and enjoy fucking Tom. Watch a little stand up comedy, you know. We get there. We can't get in the back fucking gate. They won't hear us. Finally, I called Tom. I don't like the box.

Listen, you're a comedian and you invite somebody to your show. The last thing I want is a text message or a call. Ten minutes before my show to tell me you can't find parking or some other stupid shit. Figure it the fuck out. I gave you three fucking tickets. What else do you want me to do for you? Figure it out. But ten minutes before the show, I don't want to know about your cat.

I don't want to know about your mother. I don't want to know about nothing. I'm going to a place and I'll see you after it. I'm going to a place. It's like when I was a kid and I go to the Bronx and these fucking people will let spirits go into them. And then they'd wake up like, what happened? That's me. Listen, ten minutes before my game time, I don't want to hear about your parking.

I don't want to hear that you can't figure out where to go. Figure it the fuck out or get back in your car and leave. But the people you invite to your shows, this is why when a UFC fighter fights in his hometown, you're better against him. Because yeah, he's going back there to fucking win, but not really. He's got 20 people that won three tickets. Where do we sit? Can I meet Dana White? Can I come to the great?

Yeah. And you're like, no. So anyway, to make a long story short, I just figured it out. By 7.30, I go, you know, we got to do something. So I text his road manager, his road manager hit me back, pressed the button. It was just a buzzer. We had to press. That was it.

We went in there and Tom waited for me outside. So as I greeted him and gave him a hug, he goes, we're running late. Do you want to bring me up? Now guys, I didn't even think about it. At that point, the edible was doing all the fucking thinking, right? I didn't even think about it. I go, yeah, why not? And we started walking in and I didn't even realize what I had said to him and he's like,

we're walking to the stage right now. And you know, I don't know how many people were there, 5,000, 3,000, 8,000. I have no fucking idea. But there was one point when I was getting like 50 feet to the stage that I could feel my soul putting the brakes on, but my feet were taking me there. That's a really weird feeling. My feet were walking there like I had done it 20,000 times before, which I fucking did. And it was like, I was just five.

I remember looking down and just following my feet. Is that the weirdest thing I could ever say to you guys? Like I was, it just took me there. It just took me to the front of the stage. I walked out. People were in shock. They thought Tom fucking went to sleep and woke up like fucking Rip Wim Winkle, whatever his name, the dude who fell asleep for 20 years with a beard.

People were looking at me like, that's not fucking Tom. That's motherfucking Uncle Joey. And I'll tell you, I had a little fear to me, which was natural. You got to have a little fear. I fucked up my lines. I said cocksucker three times. But those five minutes were fucking mind boggling guys. When I went up there and they just went, wow.

Listen, there's a big difference between 200 people and a couple of thousand people. I'm going to tell you something. I've been doing this for 30 fucking years. I've spoken about it before out of place because I really didn't know. But after Friday, that was the first. I feel people's energy. You ever feel some of these energy when you go in a room or they come in a room and they fuck up the energy of the room or something. This was the first time I felt that energy from the stage.

Like I just felt there was a point you would see that a number of years ago is it tape or is it memory X. And the guy would sit in front of the speaker and his fucking hair would blow and shit. That's what I felt like up on stage. I felt like my eyes were pinned like the energy from you motherfuckers made my eyebrows just go up and stick here. It was the weirdest fucking feeling. It was just stuck. I felt my adrenaline going. I could feel my eyeballs turning red.

I thought it was the Viagra had Viagra three nights earlier. Whenever you whenever I Viagra my eyes get all fucking red and shit. I look like one of those. So I could feel the heat in my head. I brought up Jeff Tate. It was very funny. One of Tom's openers and I had immediately sit down guys. It felt like a heart attack meets an erection meets a stroke meets a finger in the ass.

I was I really was I was I was blown the fuck away guys. Even though I've been in this for 30 years when I walked off that stage there was one option and that was just to sit down. I couldn't walk anymore. My mind wouldn't let me. It was like 19 months of something just came out of me. I was wiped out. I sat down. You know I said thank you.

I talked to Jimmy. I started drinking water and I just focused on Tom. And it was the weirdest thing because while I was watching Tom I could hear his material but my mind was racing. If you've ever been on stage my mind was fucking racing while I was watching Tom. And I was picking up key words as the set went on longer. I could focus. I could hear Tom and Tom was fucking hilarious. The way he connected that said it was fucking brilliant.

He's really at the top of his game. I'm not saying this just because he's my brother but he really is at the top of his game. And I was just blown the fuck away. You know I didn't know what to do. After about 25 minutes my wife text me and asked me how it went. And I said I actually went up on stage and brought Tom and you know my wife started crying at dinner. She was with her friends at dinner and she started crying and I asked her why. And she said because she was happy my voice sounded different.

And she said that she was happy that I was out of the house. You know I'm a lucky dude guys. I got a wife that's very understanding. I got a wife that supports me you know. She tells me shit I don't fucking like sometimes. But after a few hours I think about what her words are and I understand. Maybe sometimes I ingest them a little different. But she was fucking ecstatic.

You know she was really happy and I could tell like the mom she was with the next day I saw him. And they were like hey man your wife was really fucking happy. So you know when I got home that night we spoke a little bit about how I felt. What did I think. And you know I don't know. I still don't know. I didn't miss it. Me going on stage.

You know one of the guys on Patreon said he goes I knew you were going to get on stage. Like I heard in your voice. I go I didn't know I was going to get on stage. I didn't know I was going to get on stage. I thought I was just going to sit on the side and watch Tom. But him bringing me up there was just listen I slept like a baby that night. I got home. I think I didn't even fucking take my fucking Zequel or my Benadryl.

I had to go upstairs and just go to sleep. It was it had taken everything out of me. It also let me know who I was that night for a brief moment. And what I had done and it kind of felt good. It really did. It's like wow. So you know I'm a fucking theater comic. I am what I fucking am what I am when I came back here.

My head was a little fucked up and I went to do a couple of clubs and they're great clubs or whatever. But the COVID those numbers remember like I was performing for 47 people. You know for a while the time I was doing the shows it was only 47 people was performing for. So I don't know. The reason I stopped going on stage was because it didn't feel right. I tell you something Friday night felt 100% right. It really fucking did. It felt like I belonged but you know I came home I spoke to my wife.

We spoke about what we wanted. I got to tell you guys what happened. Okay. When you and throw yourself with something whether it's a band. You get into the welders union and all of a sudden you're working 80 hours a week but you get better at what you're doing and you're learning a skill. And you're moving up and you start making more money. You get really fucking enthusiastic. It really shows you you know I stopped going to the store all those years.

I started doing the podcast and all of a sudden all this shit started happening. My stand up hadn't caught up to the podcast. You know I remember it's going out a few times and eating a bag of shit and then I you know found out what was going on and I started shining as a headline and I moved into fucking theaters. You know I I'm the type of guy listen I don't really realize what I've done until I do it like he is late like I don't know what I to me it's just another day. But I really try hard not to be a big shot. I try hard not to have a fucking you know ego. I know that that's the shit that takes you down quicker than fucking herpes quicker than coke. You know ego and fucking being a jerk off is not going to get you to the next level.

So when I took that time off in 2007 from going to the store I also took time away from being in the big leagues. You got to understand that when you're at the store every now you're in the fucking big leagues whether it's 180 people or you're in the main room for 450 you're in the big leagues you get elevated. The guy in front of you is a killer and the guy behind you is a killer and the 10 people went on before you that fucking kill is when you move into a small area like where I'm at and this metropolitan area of New Jersey you don't run with a lot of killers. So I think that took a little toll on me you know it was a lot of things to move. But my point is that here's the deal guys when you're young whatever you dive into is fucking great. You know whether it's plumbing whatever the fuck you dive into and then you start putting your hours in 80 hours a week. You start fucking staying away from your friends not because you hate them or you don't want them because you're focused. They're just going to throw and then after a while like man we haven't seen you in a long time come out you know it's been three months and then they beat you up again but once you go out with them you're like fuck that sucked.

I got to get back to what I was doing whether it was playing the ukulele or fucking playing the guitar whatever the fuck you're like that that was OK but I'll keep that to a fucking minimum. They got to realize I'm on a fucking mission OK and you make your life that thing for me from the uncle Joey I've made my life comedy I didn't give a fuck about anything else. You know I see people and they always say to me I'm having a problem doing this I didn't I can't get ahead in life or how much time are you putting fucking into this. Let's see is this what you fucking eat chew and sleep or is this a hobbyist when I go to New Jersey. I am. When I go to jujitsu. I'm not a fighter. I'm not a fucking young man.

So I'm a hobbyist. That's what I can. It's just a hobby I do. It's a part of my social mental physical development to stay in shape. You know reefer causes dementia. I don't want to start fucking you know talking about ghost and shit. I don't know. I don't know.

So when you get older it's good to box a little bit like after your 50 it's good to just hit the mits have somebody throw targets at you and remember moves one two three four five you know when I go to jujitsu I do the moves I count. I count the first leg goes up up your back is straight the second leg goes up you grab the leg. That's the easiest thing for me. If not I'm a fucking idiot with it but I'm a hobbyist when I got into comedy. I didn't have anything else. It was comedy cocaine. Okay. The two C's and pussy C.C.P.

That's all I fucking knew. I had a bench in my living room. I did you know bench presses at night and bent over rows and shit. But that was just you know but I put my time in this and the sad thing is it became my life and that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to dive into something and again you know you all you guys watching listening whatever you love it depends how much you could dive into it. But then things change the battlefield changes. You know I got a girlfriend. She wanted me at home a little more.

I got I got and then I got married. And she wanted me a little more you know to be around and that was after 2009 and then I actually gave comedy up the podcast came in and I dove back into it. You guys know I was doing a podcast a day with everybody whether it was red band with podcasts podcasts podcasts or I was always doing something rogue and Eddie Bravo you know and we perfected the fucking podcast we learned how to communicate on it. You guys watch the growth. I didn't invent the fucking podcast. Somebody brought it up and we started doing it from fucking whatever we knew but I dove into this once I had the kid I was still immersed in this fucking game. Do the out the years is as my daughter matured. I tried to loosen my schedule a little more I knew the direction I wanted to.

And then with the fucking move it made me realize that my life was comedy. I didn't talk about anything else. I didn't care about anything else. That's how I had a treated for me to succeed. Everybody has a different thing. Once I got here I realized how over I was over playing the card. I was really working a little bit too much. I wanted to get fucking situated.

I wanted to see which direction the wind was blowing. I didn't fucking know what's going on here. So I didn't want to get off the plane and just dive into it in a way I did. And that's why I couldn't complete the fucking you know whatever I just was not ready. And that's okay when you're not ready. And I took some time and now I'm ready. So now I had to come home that night talked to my wife. I'm going to try to go out a few nights this week maybe just do a couple sets you know.

I can't go out and headline 45 minutes. I'm not going to charge you 25 bucks for material that's not there. I can't do that even though people will start calling me. Listen I wasn't even off the stage and people were texting me. By the time I was sitting on the side my agent called me. What's going on? I just got a text. Listen guys you know and I can't go back to where I was.

I would do a residency in Vegas maybe find a room in Vegas to Tropicana. Wherever I was Treasure Island. I would find myself a little home down here whether it be Red Bank or AC. And I would do New York and Jersey and Boston you know when time permits. Guys I don't want to do a fucking late show. I want to do an eight o'clock show. An opener me it come on an eight. In fact let's start at seven forty five.

Get the opener me and we're out of here by nine. That's it. That's how I want to do it from now on. I really don't want to do a lot of clubs. I want to do small theaters in this area. You know I just listen I worked so hard to get into a theater. There's a big fucking gap when you go from a comedy club from being an emcee. Then working yourself to a feature.

Then working yourself to a headliner. Now you got to learn how to perform in a theater completely different. And I'm very happy like the like Sebastian Kevin Joe. There's a bunch of guys that are doing arenas. Tom listen going into arena for the first time you have to change your act up. You have to learn the timing. Now there's more of a dip from your words to them to bounce back to you. You might not think you're doing well and you're fucking doing fantastic.

There's 18 15,000 people in there. They're up in the fucking nosebleeds. What do you think you can hear them fucking laugh. So this is another thing you have to learn. Oh my God. Guys there's no you know what do you think? GNR went from doing you know the whiskey right and all of a sudden they're on the road opening. Then they fucking started headlining.

Then they were doing massive fucking tours. I still remember GNR coming to Jersey and seeing the pictures. In fact, they shot Paradise City video from Giants fucking stadium. If you look at it, look at all those fucking people there. What do you think that they didn't adjust their material or they didn't just their music or the levels of the music as you move up. You're learning. It's a learning fucking thing. So I put close to five years of learning how to perform in a theater and making it work.

I don't want to just get rid of it now. So my plan is maybe I'll fucking do a couple small rooms. No headlining spots. No weekends. I got too much going on the fucking weekends. Uncle Joey is going to become the comic you love to see on Wednesday and Thursday night. Wednesday is a good night. Get out of the house.

It's hump day. It's time to have some fucking drinks, smoke a few fucking numbers and get the party started Jack. I think in the summer I got to lay low. A friend of mine offered me a little tour. I got to see where I stand. If he wants me to do 45 minutes or 20 minutes, if he wants me to do 45 again, I can't do it. I have to be honest with myself. I want to put together a tremendous set and then get the fuck out of us.

The pace. I have no idea. Do I want to go around the world in 80 days and a fucking balloon? Fuck no. This will be nice and light. So Uncle Joey doesn't fucking and I still want to focus on my jujitsu. I still want to focus on the book that's coming out. I know rewrites are coming.

So before I get involved, I want to see what's coming with the book. I want the book to be in fucking bed and right now we're looking at November of 2023. Hopefully after they read it and they see the damage that we could do, we could release it this motherfucking November, have some book parties, you know, the whole fucking thing. Book and reefer parties, the whole fucking thing, you know. The laughing gas people are really happy. I love them to death because they knew that there was a kink. There was something missing and everything that I'm doing right now.

Okay guys, there's something missing. The podcast was starting to build was starting to grow. I'm getting a little smoother. I'm learning how to do an hour podcast by myself and then having a guest on fucking Wednesday. We're trying to fucking figure out how we're going to incorporate. I mean, Mike did a great job last week with three fucking people in the room. I mean, it was as good as a podcast as it could be and it worked. So I'm going to start getting a couple of guests and grow there.

But the main thing was to fucking stand up and just took. I wanted to fall in love with it and I'm not even in love with it right now. I want to see this week how aggressive I am and one night just going because I did go out Thursday night last week too guys had a nice little time Thursday night. I actually went to watch comedy. I had a place called stacks of breakfast joint fucking tremendous. If you go in there, get the Iron Man dish. It's filet mignon, two eggs, peppers, onions, potatoes, fucking wheat toast.

Delicious, delicious, but they got to think they're only open for brunch. Nice people. They have comedy night there and they invited me a few times, but it was always like the day of so Thursday I went up there, but there was no parking, you know, because they're next to fucking cousins, great restaurant and that place is fucking always jam packed, great food. I haven't been there. I got a home of visit, a little mid podcast ad. Listen, you may not realize, but headaches, teeth grinding and even digestive issues can be indicators of stress.

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Referred to Dana, that's who helped me and took me out of my anxiety issues. But first, go to BetterHelp.com. Get 10% off online therapy, inline therapy, whatever you want to call it. Online therapy, the best BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Last time I went there, it was probably like nine fucking months ago. But anyway, I got there and it was just packed. I couldn't find the parking spot. I went down the road to the asteria and I did something I haven't done in years.

I had a gin and tonic and watched the fucking Brooklyn game against, I think it was the Milwaukee Bucks. I watched one court, I got to get out of here, it's getting creepy in here. And then I go, where am I going? What the fuck am I doing with my life? Why do I want to run home for this shit in my fucking chair? And I said, let me watch till half time. All of a sudden, some ladies started talking to me, a husband. I'm like, fuck it, I watched the third court. The next thing you know, the game was over.

Fucking Milwaukee came back and beat Brooklyn. We couldn't fucking believe it. I almost had a heart attack. Cucksuckers. And I was out the whole game. I stayed out the whole game, guys. I drove home, got a little fucking car sick on the way home. No big deal.

Came home fucking out with the wife, talked to her a little bit. My next venture is a strip club. I'm going to go to a strip club to see what's going on. You see how I'm attacking this. I'm attacking the strategy little by little. You know what I'm saying? There's a couple of strip clubs, not really. There's one I want to go to that one of my dear friends owned.

I'm going to stop and say hello to them. Look at some young fucking Poonani, you know what I'm saying? And run the fuck out of that. I don't like lap dances. They creep me to fuck out. Your jeans smell like fucking rotten ass and pussy. When you go home, you know, I can't deal with that shit. But the other thing that happened this weekend that was really fucking cool.

I had, you know, guys, I'm getting used to all this shit. I wasn't a family. I don't know nothing about this. You know, when I was a kid. There was an understanding in my house. You come and fucking go. I mean, we hung out every once in a while, but not the way I'm doing it now. Like I, guys, you got to understand I'm new to this.

I'm a fucking prisoner of debt. I'm a low life scumbag and my family. And so this whole family life has been just, you know, like, it's all new to me. I'm enjoying it. I'm basking in it. I fucking love it. I love my wife more than ever. I love my daughter more than ever.

But I'm like, fuck, we're going to a different level here. It's like when you get a cat, when you get a cat, you don't know what to expect. The first year it's kind of fucking shitty. It's okay. You know, you love them. You throw papers up in the air. He scratches them. You got your little feather with the stick, you know, you smoke a joint.

I'll fuck. I used to play with that stick for hours. That's the kind of loser I am. I could play for fucking hours on that stick. And then after a year, you're like, wow, something's happening here. We're building a bond. And the longer that cat's around or that dog's around, it gets better and better and better. And you just keep doing what you're doing.

And you fall in love with the pet and the pet falls in love with you, whatever. It's the same thing with these kids. You know, I don't know. I think people raise kids. It's tough. It's tough to be a fucking parent today. You know, Mike and I were talking about his wife was working nights now. You know, he thought he was going to have the fucking swing of lifetime while his wife was working nights.

And it's rough and you have to put the sacrifice in him and what are you going to do? What's Mike going to do? Leave some fucking stranger with his kids overnight. So it's tough being a fucking parent, but at the same time, it's very rewarding. It very rewarding, you know, and I never wanted kids. I know a lot of years like fuck kids. I get it. I get it.

But someday you're going to meet a girl. You're going to knock her up and now you got a kid and then you're going to go fuck. I'm thinking about Uncle Joey now for what he said, because I was one of those motherfuckers. I don't want a kid. I don't want to be married. But Saturday night, my daughter had a sleepover, but my wife didn't want to do the sleepover because fucking she had a double header on Sunday. They fucking season just started on Saturday and also they want to have a double header.

I was praying for rain. You know me. I got that. I did that 23 and me. I got that Indian blood. I'm out there jumping up and down for rain Saturday night and sure enough, it rained Sunday. They cancel the game. They got to go to the gym, do the podcast, go to Jiu Jitsu.

It was a great fucking day to Lord's Day, but Saturday night, my wife didn't want to fucking let her sleep over. So I was supposed to go see my man, Rudy Sawzo and my heart goes out to him. I was supposed to go to violin with the Florentine brothers. They were supposed to have a sleepover and one of the dads was supposed to watch him. There was an emergency at fucking work. The dad couldn't watch him. This is a tremendous story. All of a sudden, all the parents like, well, you could watch him till the mom gets there.

And I'm like, so now I'm fucking starting here. I had a good time. I went and got some food for them. They got some Chick-fil-A. It was great. Then when it was time to leave, you know, I stayed, watched the end of the North Carolina game. Fucking tremendous. Kansas and North Carolina tonight, motherfucker.

Tonight's a good night for DraftKings too. Sign up tonight. You got the fucking five dollars when you're touring them cotton-free bets. And then you roll right into fucking Saturdays. UFC will be the Yan and fucking. What do you think you're dealing with? Joey fucking bananas. You guys know I'm teaching you the scam of life here.

They give you 200 free credits. It's either one or the other on Monday night. It's either Kansas or North fucking Carolina. And when you win or lose, they'll give you the 200 credits and you roll it into the weekend. You got fucking New Jersey's Mickey Gold on the card this week. You got fucking Volonasky. You got that crazy chimian fighting Gilbert Burns. Guys, who takes care of you like me?

You got to set up the fucking week. Anyway, I fucking go over there. And it's about 9.30 North Carolina fucking wins. Michael Burst, we got to go home. Take a shower. As soon as I get in the car, she's upset as fuck. You know, she's crying. I got to talk her off the fucking thing.

You know, my wife is strict, guys. And you have to play a little strict. I mean, my wife knew it was going to be a long weekend. So she's like, I don't want to sleep now because then she won't sleep. And she's got a double head. She'll fall asleep out in the field. So I bring her home. We talk a little bit.

We're talking in the car. I go, listen, you got no reason to be upset. You're fucking nine. There's going to be 200 more fucking sleepovers for you to sleep at. We'll go home tonight. I'll pull out some fucking ice cream. I didn't have dick here. So I code and it was too late to go to Carvel.

She was upset, you know, and I talked her off the ledge. I go, listen, what we could do is let's go home. Get some snacks, go downstairs. We'll watch Sopranos and you can have your own fucking little sleep away downstairs. You know, she sets up the fucking blanket with a little teddy bear. She comes down. So she was still upset when I was putting on pajamas. I could hear it in the shower.

She was a little upset. So I knocked on the door and we talked to the fucking door and I go, listen, I'll be downstairs waiting for you. Let's talk. She came down. I explained, you know, about her situation. And all of a sudden fucking out of the blue, Bruce Lee was on last night. God damn.

And it's my favorite. Listen, Bruce Lee put out four movies. You know, I like the original Fista Fury. I like what I watched last night. It was billed as Fista Fury, but it's really the Chinese connection. They called it the Chinese connection with the land that he had in 1970. And that's my enter the dragon is great. Fucking the one with Karim Abdul-Jabbar.

That's a fucking boring movie. But Chinese connection. There was some about that movie that always blew me the fuck away. As I got older, I saw how good Bruce Lee's acting was in that movie. It was fucking raw. You know, he had Steve McQueen in his ear. He was watching what Clint Eastwood was doing over there in Italy. And Bruce had a fucking plan to do the same thing in fucking China out of Hong Kong.

Make those movies, build his name, come back to America and spank these motherfuckers, which was his initial mission until he went to some Broad's house and she gave him a fucking roofie. And he died of a fucking headache or that's what they told us with Chinese people. Even though you could touch them in the neck and they got a headache. Somebody said they hit him with the fucking touch of death the day before. Anyway, when all that shit happened, I was fucking heartbroken. But nevertheless, this is my all time favorite Bruce Lee movie. So when she came downstairs, I go nurse, check this out.

And she was a little upset. Her eyes were still red. I put Bruce Lee and she just fucking froze. And if you know anything about that movie, he just starts killing motherfuckers one at a time. There's Kung Fu scenes where he fucks up a whole karate school. But with that movie, he took out one at a time. He started with the fucking guy who poisoned his teacher and his little fucking kitchen assistant. That's when he broke his inside.

Just a raw fucking scene. Why'd you kill my teacher? Why, why, why, why? The guy just fucking dies. He punched him like 20 times in the stomach. Tremendous. Then he goes after Feng Wei Shui and then he fucking goes after the interpreter for the school and he hangs him on a fucking tree. Tremendous.

I mean, that movie, he goes off. The plot is he fucking went away. When he comes back, he finds his teacher dead and he fucking loses it and then at the fucking wake. The Japanese school came over talking their karate bullshit with sandals on and they insulted them and they said he was fucking yellow and shit. Oh my God. And the next day Bruce Lee shows up at the school. They had a picture that says sick man of Asia on it, referring to his fucking master. This motherfucker walks into school and he goes, I come to bring this back, but you got to take it from me.

That's how I'm dog. He doesn't play in that movie. He fucking smashes them. He smashes the picture. He makes them eat the paper. Then they fuck. I mean, he just, he walks to a zoo and some guy tells him, if you want to walk in the park, you got to crawl on the floor like a Chinese. Oh my God.

He just blew away three more Japanese people fresh from the sushi restaurant and then there was a fucking hunt for him. And then he started doing fucking disguises. He started disguising like a little old man and shit and fucking these old newspapers. He disguised himself as a phone man. This motherfucker, he's designed himself as a fucking Yixua or not Yixua. What's that? Rickshaw. Yixua.

Rickshaw fucking driver. Tremendous. So fucking, I mean, this is my all time favorite movie. And then at the end he turns himself in to the Chengwu school and he fucking, as he's walking outside, he sees that they double crossed him. And all of them got guns and shit. And instead of standing like a fucking pussy, he runs out into the fucking thing and they shoot him. He had bullets. You don't really know Bruce Lee lives or dies.

That's the beauty of it. But years after that, that was just a singular story. It wasn't connected to the other fucking movies. Guys, I saw that movie. That movie was my baby. You know, I do the album of the week on Patreon. And these are my babies. That movie is my fucking baby.

It was, I don't know, maybe 1969. I was going to Sacred Heart School for boys. I was in the fucking fourth grade. We were watching Happy Days. Happy Days. It just came on the fucking air. That's how old I am. And a commercial came on a trailer for that fucking movie.

And oh my Lord. When he's at the karate school beating the motherfuckers up. Listen, there were 20 young fourth graders. Now, when you're in the fourth grade and you see somebody beating the fuck out of somebody, you're jumping up and down like a fucking retard. You're just floundering. Get them, bite them, whatever the fuck it is. So that fucking trailer came on, guys.

You could hear a pin drop in that motherfucking room. I will never, ever, ever forget that night as long as I fucking live. You could have heard a pin drop in that bitch. And I'll never forget my stepdad, Juan, picking me up on Friday and going, what do you want to do this weekend? I said, listen, I don't know about the weekend. I know what we're doing tonight. We're going to the fucking to see the Chinese connection.

I don't give a fuck where it's playing. And as we were headed home, Clifton on route three fucking north, there used to be a drive-in theater there. And what do you think they were playing? The motherfucking Chinese connection now. That's why I saw my first fucking gangster movie. I saw five fingers at that. That's the first anybody that knows fucking kung fu movies.

That's one of the first movies that hit the fucking United States. Oh, tremendous. His hand turns pink and shit. Tremendous. That was all about the iron palm technique. That's why I saw that movie. When I saw the Chinese connection, I lost my fucking mind and not to make things worse. It was also playing at the Union City Cinema, my home base at the time up in Union City.

I saw all my movies in there. I still remember walking home from there and after a karate movie and just looking for a fucking fight with somebody. And then by the time we got the 32nd Street, there was Ponty Corvo Deli. So we kicked the shit out of all the boxes. Me and my little hoodlums, Pino, Retard, Mike. We fuck up these fucking boxes. There'd be boxes all over Bergen Line Avenue. And then we go to my mother's bar and I'd walk in there on the karate stance and shit.

And then I lost my, I would tell everybody a plot of the story. You know, it made me sad. But I said sit down and let's watch it. And we were fucking going off her and I. And at the end I was watching it through the corner of my eye. I could see her through my tears. At the end when Bruce Lee runs out and shit and they shoot and he yells, I could tell her eyes. I teared up.

I was just fucking crying. I was just thinking about everything. That movie makes me think about going back to my mom's bar, trying to fucking explain the Chinese connection to my mom and my mom going, what the fuck are you talking about? Have a drink, shut the fuck up. You just walked in here with 22 sentences in a row. It just gave me a good feeling.

And to watch it with my fucking daughter. Come on, man. And for her to enjoy it, never mind watching it with your daughter because they could always go, oh, I don't like this. And all of a sudden your feelings get hurt. But I even asked her, you want to put the sopranos on? She's like, no, I like this movie, Dad. I saw this before.

So I was like, that got hard. I had a tear in my eye. I mean, guys, there's nothing more special than you watching like a fucking killer movie with your daughter. Yeah, your son, you're expected. He's supposed to watch those things with him unless he fucking, you know, to grow up to sniff flowers and shit. They got to watch those things with you. But your daughter, you know, girls, they want to hear Barbie and fucking pink shit.

And she's over there cheering for Bruce Lee. She's like, why are they fighting them? Why are they saying all this shit about Chinese people? I go because they're Japanese people. She's like, they mean that. Yeah, they fucking mean, but watch Bruce smack the fucking living shit out of them. So it was just, it was just, it was really a great feeling to, to just, I don't know, guys, this might sound stupid to you.

You guys might think I'm a fucking weakling, but it was just, it's like full circle. You know, now she gets to experience Bruce Lee and she gets a fucking piece of a dad. I don't know what I'm going to go. I'm fucking, I'm getting old here. But every day that I could put some influence into her or just give her the same things that brought me joy as a kid, just for her to know, you know, when she goes to a party and somebody's like, yeah, fucking, you know, this guy is the baddest martial artist. My daughter will say, fuck you.

It's Bruce fucking Lee, my dad saw him and then she'll describe the movie. So that little bond that you get with your children. Sometimes for some people, it's nothing for me since I've never had it before. It's the fucking world, man. It's the fucking world. You know, she, we watched Bruce Lee and then we put the fucking Sopranos on and we were talking shit. Her and I about the surprise. He asked me stupid questions and then I said, listen, we could stay up.

We could watch the fucking honeymooners and she goes, really? And all of a sudden I could see her little face. She had a long day, baseball, parades, games, running around, milkshakes, Chick-fil-A. She would be like, oh, listen, why don't you close your eyes for 10 minutes and I'll wake you up when the honeymooners come on. It was about 1120. And she goes, really? I go, yeah, I do this trick to all the time. The next thing you know, she was out cold and I put the blankie up on her.

I finished watching the fucking Sopranos. I made sure the doors looked locked. I gave her a kiss. And in her world, all she wants to do is stay downstairs to make herself feel like she's 13, you know what I'm saying? If that's what it takes, fuck it. It could be worse. She might want to fucking put makeup on and fucking drink cocktails. No, she just wants to stay down here watching adult movie with her dad and just fucking be a little girl.

That's it. Who's better, Uncle Joey? You understand me? So now, like I said to you guys, ever since I got back here, I was just working on getting my life back. That's all I was doing, trying to get my life back, trying to get it settled. Now, when I get into comedy, it's not a fucking career anymore. It's a balance. It's a balance between me and my daughter, my family, jiu-jitsu, fucking getting healthy, working on my knee.

It's just, you know, it's just a fucking balance for me. And sometimes that's what you need in your life. If your life is little, you need a little fucking balance. Guys, come on, you know me. You think I go around reading about life's balances? I got better things to do. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

But you could feel it. You could feel it. That something's not. You got to be doing something else. The last 19 months I sat in this house, you know, I went out a couple nights, but I sat in this house majority just to find out, you know, who the fuck I was at this age. What I could do, what I couldn't do anymore, and what I don't want to do anymore. You don't think I enjoy going out and making people laugh and talking to people from time to time? That's what I'm all about.

Anywhere I go, I fucking, next thing you know, I start bullshitting with people. I like when they don't start with the fucking, I like when people don't know who the fuck I am. And we just talk. And then at the end of the conversation, they'll go, why don't you look familiar to me? And then as I'm leaving, I'll fucking dropping on them. You ever see the longest shot? Is that you? Some lady at Osteria told me the other night, she goes, you looked a little better when you were fucking chunky.

Women like guys with meat on their bones. I'm like, you old fucking hag, you, you old dirty hag, you. I can't. I'm not into, but they listen. I like bullshit with people. That's it's the reason why I joined jujitsu was to get my social life going as dumb as that sounds. Yeah, it's about the physical and the mental. But when you're in there talking with people and touching them and shit, that's his, that's his life as can get touches.

The simplest thing you could do with people and excites you and motivates you. It drills your skin. The human touch when you shake somebody's hand, when you give somebody a hug, you know, and imagine wrestling with somebody. You're at your most vulnerable fucking part. So I consider that like today, when I went Sunday, when I went, there was a kid in there that I met a class. Young guy, we both joined with no stripes. Now we both have two stripes. Great fucking kid.

You know, I don't know how old he is. When he squeezed me to. Yes, there's a listen. When you squeeze me to throw me down, when you throw your dad down like that, he goes, no, I go, then why would you throw Uncle Joey down like that? And they all giggle, you know, it's just social stuff. So now I'm going to take it up a fucking notch. Start doing some fucking guest sets at places. Unannounced, you know, just try to have a good time.

I'm not looking to shoot a special. I'm not looking to be on Comedy Central. I'm not looking for anything. I'm just looking to have fucking fun. This is no drama and no stress possible. If I go up, if I charge 20 bucks and if I go up and bomb, I bomb for the shirt 20, you've dropped 20 on worse. When I charge you 30, I won't be fucking bombing. You follow I'm saying to you, so I'm going to build up a little bit, take my time.

And maybe in the winter, do a Jersey, New York tour. I don't fucking know. I don't know what life is going to bring. And right now at this point in my life, I'm just trying to have a good time. That's it. All my heart thing is over prison. She's dead. I'm not going to see my dad.

Oh, that shit behind me. Now it's time to fucking relax and have a great time. When you cocks up and smoke some weed, sell some weed. Laughing gas is about to fucking go big. I will keep you motherfuckers posted on the details. Little vape, little laughing gas vapor pen for your little live resin pen. You all get all this shit at the ice cream shop. I might go Thursday night to the 58th anniversary of the comedy store.

I looked at plane tickets last night. Ouch. Fuck. Those motherfuckers. Listen, first they were passing the cost of gas to you with the luggage. Remember? And they never turned that back. They're still taking half a yard from us or a hundred bucks for the luggage.

These motherfuckers don't think Uncle Joey's paying attention, but I'm paying attention. And now they raise their plane prices again to reflect the cost of fucking gas. Guys, give it a fucking breather. I saw what half you motherfuckers' carriers made last year. You made a lot of money no matter what the fucking price of gas was or whatever. Give us the fucking breather. It's the summertime. These motherfuckers are going nuts with their prices.

Food, everything has gone up. I mean, listen, nothing to worry about. Just keep working hard. If you could steal a steak from time to time, put it under your jacket. It worked for me for years. If you don't have no felonies or misdemeanors, you could cry yourself out of it. I don't know what the time is. It's getting harder out there, so it's time to pay more attention to what the fuck's going on.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's Monday, the 4th of April. And that's it for Uncle Joey's joint today, man. I just wanted to pop up here on a motherfucking Monday, say hello and get you ready for a new month, because it's a whole new set of rules. You got to sling new fucking dick and you got to have new fucking ideas. Wednesday, we got a tremendous Zoom guest, and we'll go a little long. We'll fuck around with you people, but as far as today, we're done.

I love you, cocksuckers, with all my heart. Have a great day. Stay black, and I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday the 6th. Tip top motherfucking magoo. Stay black. All right, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you for listening. We did a little solo today.

Talked about the Chinese connection. Talked about me getting on stage. It was a great time. But now, it's time to make some fucking didis from the heart of New Jersey. The joint is brought to you by DraftKings. Listen, it starts tonight. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app right now, because tonight we got a fucking same-game parlay with Kansas and North Carolina in the national championship.

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This Saturday at DraftKings Sportsbook or tonight for the NCAA Championship, 21 over restrictions apply. I love you, motherfuckers. The joint is also brought to you by betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Listen, BetterHelp Online Therapy is the best therapy you could do for yourself from the privacy of your own home. In this world, what's going on right now with the more you grind, the more, you know, inflation, everything that's going on,

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It's that easy. Tip Top Magoo. I want to thank CBD Lion. I want to thank BetterHelp.com and I also want to thank DraftKings.com. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great Monday. Stay black and I'll see you Wednesday morning. Tip Top Magoo for Uncle Joey's fucking circus of love.

Thank you.