Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #153 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 24, 2014

Comedian Rosie Tran calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 02/17/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. And by DollarShaveClub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to DollarShaveClub.com slash Church. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash Church or just go to joeydias.net and click on the DollarShaveClub banner. And again, thank you to escapepodtank.com. They have all of your sensory deprivation tanks and you're going to save thousands with them already. But if you mentioned Joey Diaz or church or what's happening now, they're going

to give you another $250 off. Are you kidding me or what? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. The church or what's fucking happening now? Monday, February 24th. Wash your pussy, scrub your feet. Do what you gotta do. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive with the church, bitches. What? Fuck it. We're in Cali, Cocksucker. We hit that motherfucker. What's happening? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Monday, February 24th. The world is fucking yours, Cocksucker. Get up, do something with yourself. You're sitting there like a bump in a log. Should I go to ITT? No. Get the fuck up. Meet some Count Chalkula. You're going to be a fucking criminal, Cocksucker. What's

happening, Lee? Not much. I'm so ready for this week. The fucking office is here. Oh, yeah. The new church. We're going to fucking design it and everything. It's got white paint on, but we're going to design it and paint the walls fucking red. What do you think? Like fucking something. It's great to be alive. I hope you guys are happy to be alive. Great fucking weekend. You know what I'm saying? How was your weekend, my brother? My weekend sucked, as I'm ready for this week. Well, Saturday was cool, but I had a shitty thing happen this week, so I was out. The dog passed. Yeah, my dog passed. It's a nightmare when an animal passes, especially you had them for so long, you were there. How's your mother taking her?

I'm good, but I'm going to call her every day because she's one of my dad and her broke up and after my brother went to school, it's just him and her for like four or five years. It really hit me. I don't have any grandparents left, but that all happened when I was younger, so the dog dying hit me harder than I thought I was going to, but I'm ready for this week. This week is starting new. It's a new week, got a new apartment Wednesday, new office, you know what I'm saying? Lisa Yats, a new fucking menu starting to jump in Jackson, Jeremy, hopefully. Hopefully. Hopefully you're getting better, you're getting healthier, you're eating. What did you eat for dinner last night? I had a subway. I'm hoping they fixed their fucking bread issue.

What happened with the bread? Oh, they were putting stuff in it for yogurt like that, whereas in yoga mats for a while, it's one of those things where they always say, oh, this company's putting this so-and-so chemical in it. Now they said they're going to stop putting it in, but that's good. At least you get to get fucking yogurt. There's something bad in fucking everything. Yeah, there's something bad, but I don't understand how the chemical that goes into a fucking yoga mat goes into bread. What's it for? Probably preservative, if I had to guess. Well, why would you preserve a yogurt mat? You're preserving the bread.

Fucking preservatives. And the podcast was fucking hilarious. I want to thank everybody who came out. It was really fucking funny. I thought about different things that were said, even the count choker. I want people go to prison, they like count choker. That's how you know the felons eat count choker. It's amazing. When I got locked up, a lot of black people, a lot of the felons would say who wants to count the motherfucking chocolate because I was a stock clerk in the kitchen. And I look at them like, are you fucking serious? I barely get your Cheerios. I gotta get you my third world fucking Cheerios. They're kind of picture like a dead people on the box. These motherfuckers want to count you. I'm not kidding you guys. I'm not trying to be funny.

When I was locked up at Camp George West, I was the stock clerk of the kitchen. I almost burnt down the fucking kitchen, making a cinnamon bun. So they made me the, they tried to make me a fucking baker. I laugh at that so much. And you know what the requirements were? Whooping cough. You have whooping cough. Yeah. You can't cook in the prison. Thank God. I swear to God. You haven't had whooping cough. You can't be a cook in the prison. So it was fucking hysterical. I didn't have whooping cough either. So I became the baker and that worked out for a few fucking days because I got up early. I liked it. You know, you're there by yourself and shit. And they got to let you wear a nine man. I spot a walkman at that time. I dug it, you know, but fuck it. Nah,

I almost blew up the fucking kitchen. So they made me a stock clerk. Yeah, I can't imagine you being a good baker. No, and I'd have a list on the door like to try to help the invasor. Like, what do you need? You know, I get them yogurt, whatever. But it was overwhelming. Yeah, the fucking amount of requests for all the food for all the inmates, not individually, but for all of them, like two thousand eggs a week. And you know, I can't believe I didn't even give you eggs. They gave you like milk fucking eggs. Oh, the powdered eggs. Not even powder. It was like liquid, like a base or something. You know, the meat was hard. What's like going to fucking Dennis? That's what prison food is like. Like Dennis, you're gonna shit after you have a little stomach ache when

you leave that just a little anybody stomach ache after you leave after that. That's it. That's why you don't really get mad at Dennis. I'm sure Dennis loves that. And I always remember if you miss going to jail, come back to them. I wrote about that a year ago, too, when I was trying to do the one man show, even more three, four years ago, and I never brought it up. And the other day I was cleaning out notebooks. And I found out that prison inmates, felons love kind of chocolate. So I wanted to talk about it and what I fucked up, but I had a great weekend. Yeah. My wife came back Tuesday with the baby because I fucking your baby getting so big. Oh, she's a fucking monster, bro. It's like having a human kettle bell. That's it. And it's constantly

you got to chase it. You know, I take it to the park every fucking day. You know, I believe in sunlight. Gotta get some fucking sun, especially we live in California. It's fucking cold this morning. Oh, yeah, cloudy as shit. But it's a little bit different now walking from my bedroom to the. Oh, yeah. But you know, we got a couple of breakfast joints right down the fucking block. You know, we got Magnolia Grill, which is delicious. Got a tremendous cheese on it with some fruit. They also have like this potato chip price. It's called Terry style. A lot of people don't go to Magnolia Grill and I ask them why it's the best breakfast place I think everybody always sends you the patties and you got 420 and you got no they all suck dick compared to this place. The girls

are really nice. They make they got a nice fruit bowl. They got a medium salsa. So they have like if you want to get like an oatmeal, you get an oatmeal. If you want to get fish, they have fish for breakfast with an egg. They got so many fucking different options, but it don't fucking matter. We're here. We're queer. The best thing, you know, we talk about a lot of shit on this show and we talk about addictions and we talk about fucking fears and we talk about blah blah blah and you know, somebody sent me a great email the other day 90 fucking emails last week 96. I couldn't believe I'm getting like 40. I couldn't fucking believe it. I couldn't fucking believe. I sat there from four to five and then from like 630 to 730 and then I met you and then I had to go

back and do another 33 or something. It was just amazing. But somebody wrote some great stuff that this this this podcast builds character. Let me tell you something. I found that all those years when I was weak and I'm sorry. When people send me emails on addiction, I always forget all those years when I was weak when I was doing blow and I was doing stupid shit. It wasn't that I was weak. It was that I had no character when you I guess something happened early on with all those debts and the drugs were just torn. It just broke down my my my whatever. I had no fucking and I had character. Even when I was breaking into houses and I was a thief, I had character. Even when I was selling drugs, I had character. So it just wasn't the character that I needed.

So explain. I mean, I think everyone knows the character. What are you talking about? Let me say character character. Well, basically the definition of character is what you do when nobody's watching. Okay, do you pick up that paper? Do you really kick the fucking cat? Do you really move the table when you sweep? Do you really put a blink around? There's so many little things you do that have character. And for me, I remember when I when I first quit doing blow in 2006 or five 2006. The first thing I thought about was I have to go back to where I was before I started doing drugs. And before my life started failing. So right away, the first thing I thought about was February, 1979, the day I quit karate. Okay. My life went downhill from that.

From there? Right from now. Jesus. From that February, it went down. Because I didn't have a place to go to clean me up. What I mean by that is, when I tell people to get signed up and go to a gym, or make a commitment to go to a park every day, I'm not telling you this to break your balls. I'm telling you this. So you have a place to go one day a week, which is your sanctuary. It's one hour a day when I go to that kettlebell gym, guess what? Where's my phone? It's in my pocket. It's over there. When I walk in that fucking gym for that 140 minutes session or 45 minutes session, my phone stays in the fucking car. I bet there's a lot of people who they say it's right there. No, I'm doing it. And for me, it's my sanctuary. It's my hour for me.

Nothing bad can happen in one hour that I can't take care of. If my wife gets shot in the fucking head, I can't save her in 20 fucking minutes. By the time I get home and change and take a shot from Jiu-Jitsu or the gym, do you understand? So I trust the universe to keep doing what it's doing when I'm in that gym for one hour. And it's my hour. That hour belongs to me. It belongs to my fucking head. There's no phone calls. There's no people calling me with what's going on in their mind. I'm not listening to the news. I'm not listening to music. I'm listening to me. That one hour is about me as I'm doing curls, as I'm walking on the fucking thing. That's why I always tell people, I push it to my wife constantly. You have to go to yoga. You have to go to the wine,

get on that bicycle. Even if you just go to the wine, drink water and sit there, it's your one hour sanctuary. It's something that we don't do. Yeah. That we owe ourselves. Well, it's interesting because last week, you, me, Steve Simone, Agostino and Alejandro went to Denny's. And it was great, but I was overwhelmed at the end of it. It was too much. I like being alone more than I like being in groups. So after like, it was like four hours between the ha ha and Denny's. I don't know how you do that every night. It was too much. I didn't do whatever. You know, I don't do that every night. No, you know that I always, I've been a single child all my life. So in the end, I like to be alone. I need one hour of my own time. You know, I don't like, when I used to do

blow, I didn't like a lot of people in the room. I don't like a lot of movement, bro. I don't like movement. I don't like too many eight or nine person. I was never one of those guys to hang out with the guys. Yeah. Because it's too much for me. That was fun the other night. It was fun. Yeah. It was, you know, five guys just talking shop, which is you got to do once in a while. I don't do enough of that. And I preach it. I don't do enough of that. I don't go out at night enough to do comedy during a week like I used to, like I want to, you know, something very interesting happened. I was home for four weeks. Yeah. And I was really excited about doing that. You've been home for four weeks since I met you. Yeah. So I wanted to have goals. I wanted to see

if I could hit my goals. And my goals for the four weeks were to get an office. Okay. I was, my goals were three kettlebell classes and two jiu-jitsu classes a week. And I never thought I would hit them. My goals were to bring my book up to par. Okay. Like to catch up with my book to see what I really want to do with this book and the chapters and how to break up. I did that. Okay. There were just a couple of things. And every day I wrote them down. Do you know that all four weeks I made my fucking goals? Like there was maybe one or two goals that I felt a little short on. Like we didn't get the shirt still tomorrow. Okay. But everything else. Yeah. It was four weeks. I pretty much hit. Like I was surprised about my jiu-jitsu goals. I was surprised about my

kettlebell goals. I wrote a little bit every day. I made time. I was overwhelmed with the holidays and the CD and grudge match. Like that was too much for me. I needed my fucking four weeks. You know, I shot Marin. I went on the road for three weeks. I shot Marin and boom, I shut down for a fucking month. And it was fucking mind boggling. I enjoyed it. But I did something Saturday. That was the hierarchy of everything. Like the end of the four weeks was tremendous. I did something yesterday that I would never, ever, ever do. And I preached to you guys and I did it because of you guys. I went out of my comfort zone. I went to about three weeks ago. I found out Regan Machado was doing a seminar. He's a bigger Machado out of the guy. He's a fucking legend.

Okay. Jiu-jitsu. It was 60 fucking dollars for three hours or something. It was on a Sunday, so I know I would have to take away from my family. Number two, all these things. Never, it was a jiu-jitsu school away. Like I hate going to Hollywood for a haircut. I had to drive to Santa Monica for this. Oh, Jesus. From Friday, I was giving myself excuses on why not to go to these seminars. I was giving myself excuses. No, I'm not going to go to the call salami and tell them I got a meeting and this and this. And by Saturday night, when I got back from the ice house, I was like, that's it. It's due date. I either got a call salami and cancel first thing in the morning. You know, I kept giving excuses about my breathing, like I'm going to go there and get embarrassed.

I'm fat. I'm not going to be able to do the moves he teaches me. I'm probably on a faint. I'm going to have to go outside and get air. That's why I really quit smoking pot. That's why I switched to the vapor because I didn't want to have that lung failure. I wanted to give it at least a week before I saw this guy, you know? Okay. And I woke up fucking Sunday morning with doubts. I drank some coffee. I talked to the wife. I talked to the baby and I just as I was going to call salami, I was looking at my little girl and I was like, you know what? How am I going to be a father if I'm going to cancel this? This is I should be proud of this. I'm going to let me go down there. Let me do some moves and run around. If I run out of

air or I get a heart attack, whatever, so be it. How are we going to do this? Since May. And it's the hardest thing I've ever done at 51. And it's something I did for me. And it's something I did partly for you guys at home to see that you have to try different things in your life. You have to try different things. You have to stay fresh. You know, maybe you guys don't like it. I never thought I'd like it. I never thought I'd like wrestling with fucking men. I enjoy it. I enjoy because it makes my mind work. Anything that makes I realized yesterday why when I was fucking coked up at night at 19 and Colorado and I was robbing houses and I was such a fucking mutt. I was still taking classes at night, whether it was for fucking, you know, a geography or history

was so weird how I hated geography in the sixth and seventh grade. Like I didn't give a fuck where Africa was. What's I got to do with me? You know what I'm saying? Like what the fuck was Belgium have to do with me? But as I got older, I liked all those things. I took a geography class. There were so many classes I took. And I think I took them because it keeps me sharp. So I got up yesterday. I was about to fucking call and cancel and I said, how can I be a father? And how can I show people that, you know, what the fuck is going on there? And as scared as I was, I took two fucking shroom texts and three baby aspirins, I put my fucking gi on my knee braces, and I shot down the fucking Santa Monica. I got there by 11 o'clock. And I sat in my fucking

car and things started at 12. I called Salami and those that 30 minutes in the car, I gave myself every excuse like my shoulder started hurting, my neck was hurting, my heart was beating. I told myself every excuse not to go into that fucking thing. Yeah. And then I saw him, I saw Regan walking down, he can walking down the block and I was going to say something. I said, I don't even, I'm a white belt. What am I going to tell this guy? You know, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not going to this disrespect was I didn't say nothing. Once I saw him, I thought about the same things. I thought about you guys from the church. I thought about, you know, little things. And I said, fuck, I'm going in there. I went in there and I sat down. I was the only guy in there. And as soon

as I walked in, there was the sweetest fucking black dude in there from Chicago, bad motherfucker. I started talking to him. Of course you've been a black guy. I told you black people are the fucking best. If he fucking got me in, he's like, brother, we're all here struggling. Don't worry about nothing. I got you back. He was at work here. You should come here during the week and work out if you want. It was street sports in Santa Monica. So I went in. I changed. I'm sitting there. Salami comes in. We were talking. And guess who fucking walks in that guys? And anybody who's a Bruce Lee fan, anybody who's a martial arts fans knows that Dan and Asanto, Dan and Asanto is like Bruce Lee's brother. Okay. In fact, he teaches Jicundo

in the marina. Guys, when Dan and Asanto walked in, I knew I had done the right thing because nobody's 70 years old. He didn't go to hang out. He went to do Jiu-Jitsu. He went there to do Jiu-Jitsu guys. He's 70 fucking years old. That was my dream to me to shake that man's hand. That man shook Bruce Lee's hand. That means I would have two people in my life that shook Bruce Lee's hand. James Coburn and fucking Dan and Asanto. I mean, I'm getting emotional. This is my fucking life, people. Bruce Lee's my life. And all of a sudden, Dan and Asanto walks and he's 70 fucking years old and he's on the floor stretching and I'm looking at this guy going, what the fuck is wrong with America? Haven't we learned something? Look at this guy on the floor and he didn't walk

in on nimble and all fucked up or nothing. He walked in like a man. He wasn't an old man. And this tells me that the more you take care of yourself at an older age, you become something. Something else happens to you. And I'm sitting there going, why is this guy learning his move? He might die next week. You know what I'm saying? He's 70, but it don't fucking matter. It don't fucking matter. This is what I tell everybody, but this guy, the lesson, this guy, so I paid 60 fucking dollars to get the biggest lesson in my life that it never ends. You got to learn till you're fucking 85. And that's what keeps you, unless you're gonna get shot in the head or hit by a car, you take care of yourself. This is real. This life is fucking real. Then the guy from Boysham

walked in, Ricky Rack, the drummer. Jesus. And then all these guys started fucking walking in and this other, there was like a couple guys, they were all 40s, 50s. And this guy walked in, that was bigger than fucking me. He was round, like round and he was a fucking purple belt. Well, and by the way, the guy teamed up with me and we were doing all this shit. And then between one of the things I said, hold on a minute, I got to breathe. He goes, no, take it, take it easy. And I go, you know, this is a fat guy. And this motherfucker looked at me as a fat guy. He goes, I had open heart surgery a year ago. And the fucking story right there. He said that he was rolling and his arm went dead on a Friday night after jiu-jitsu. When he got in this car and

drove to the doctor and they said, go to the hospital. And they had found that a valve had broke. That's why his arm was going fucking dead. So here's a guy I'm rolling with on the floor. That's 40 something years old, just had fucking open heart surgery, big round motherfucker on the floor, throwing me around, getting on top of me. Then they were fucking, they wanted me to do all the roles. So they were fucking teaching me how to do the roles and picking me up, the black guy and him teaching me guys. It was, it was, it was a two and a half hour experience. I learned a few moves. I learned the Regan leg lock and all that shit, you know, and I, but just the, the, I got the biggest lesson I got was the jumpstart in my life by seeing Dan and the son of the

all these older gentlemen in there, rolling with these young guys, just trying to, there was a one guy that came in with totally white hair, total white hair. He didn't take a shot, he was a fucking brown belt on an old guy, you know, and I'm saying, this is what wakes you up every morning. You know, first you had college, then you had your kids and then everything, you need something to inspire you every fucking day. And maybe this inspires those old guys, hopefully it'll inspire me. So that's why I was one of the best fucking experiences I've had in a long time. What an end to these four weeks. Yeah. Like what an end for me. Like I got this. Well, it's pretty cool. It's almost a year. You saw, I'm sure when you started a year ago,

you didn't think you'd be doing that? A year. I started in May and I was going once a week from fear that I was going to have a heart attack on the mat. The hip escapes, I was so fucking hard. But every time I went, I prayed, then I got off to testosterone. I got a little easier. And I got easier. And then I got into the kettlebells. And I noticed that every time I go to class, I'd make a little movement. And sometimes you go to class and you get beat up. And you go backwards, but it didn't really matter. And I'm using jujitsu, but it could be anything in your fucking life. I'm using jujitsu. But what we're talking about here is becoming interested in anything that's around you at your life, whether it be riding or fucking snowboarding, you know,

just go for it. But it all starts with fucking character. And this is what got me through this yesterday, that had enough character to get up in the morning and say, no, I'm not going to fucking make another excuse. And, you know, I'm sick and tired of doing this to my life. I have to get out there. You know, beside the comedy and the kid, I don't get out there enough, you know, and that's what's fucking holding me back sometimes. So while you guys are learning a little bit here, I'm also learning from you guys. So I want to fucking thank you. But yesterday was fucking tremendous. I came back, I played with the baby, we went to the park, she took a nap, I came here with you, I answered emails. And you can't ask for anything better than that, you know, you could

see a million dollars couldn't give me what I got yesterday. A million fucking dollars couldn't give me the excitement I got yesterday for 60 fucking dollars. I learned to move. Did he talk to Mr. Anasanto? I went up to him at the end, I said, thank you as an honor. What can you say to a guy like that? What do you want me to do? Go up there and take a picture? A picture couldn't fucking do for me what this looking at him did for me. Looking at him on the floor, stretching and playing with his ankles and moving his wrist around and watching him do rolls and 70 doing fucking. Oh, yeah, but I'm sure a lot of people say that about you when they meet you. So I'm sure he would have loved it if you went up and talked to him, not for a picture,

but just said, oh, no, I was having you here rolling next to you. I shook his hand. He giggled, you know, there was one point where they will help me and they were all giggling like this was a team fucking effort yesterday picking me up. I'm 310. I'm no fucking spring chicken. So it was just sometimes you gotta fucking get out of your comfort zone, bro. And I preach it but I don't do it sometimes. I fucking did it yesterday and look at me. I'm like a little fucking kid. So if you're stuck, if you're sitting there with a thumb up your ass, you don't know what the fuck to do. That's what you do. You get out of your fucking comfort zone. We finally fucking got the thing yesterday that we finally got the anecdote yesterday. Well, how about some

music? Where's I want to be around for the spirits? I got to fucking blow my nose here. That's tremendous. My allergies are fucking up again. Oh, shit. Wake up, cocksuckers. Wash your pussy. Eat your cereal. Eat your yogurt. Eat your bananas. Oh, my allergies are on fire today. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Don't get me excited. What's up, cocksuckers? What's happening, baby? I'm feeling great. I needed this this morning.

And it's, uh, no, I just feel great. I definitely, it was a, it was a shitty weekend, but I'm glad I'm here. You're happy now? Yeah. It's tough losing an animal, brother. Yeah. You're not there with your mother to hold her and sing Jewish songs. I almost went back, but it was 1300 bucks for like a one day thing, but I couldn't do it. But $1,300. Yeah. Fuck around. No, but it's no, it's, uh, it's interesting. This moving to this office is, it was a big thing and I'm doing, I'm moving apartments this week. It's, it's, it's a lot of change right now. And I met this guy at the live podcast who came up to me and said, just so you know, like, there's a lot of people are trying to do what you're doing by quitting your job. And he said, like, it's great that you're not scared,

but like, I'm, I'm still terrified because I like taxes are due next month or in a month. So I'm, I'm worried about that bill. I'm worried about all my bills because I'm not, I'm Jewish, but it's, uh, seeing this office come together yet, like the past two days was big for me seeing that, like it's a reality now. So it's, uh, it's exciting. This is my brother. One of the toughest things in life is for me to take away your security. I'm not, I'm not meeting me. I'm just talking about what some things require from some people and what personal growth is. Nothing tops personal growth in your life, not money, not accolades, not anything. And you don't know personal growth till it happens. Yeah. You do not know personal growth till it happens. When I first came out

here, dog, I sold cigars on the phone. Okay. I sold, uh, you know, I can't remember all the things I sold. I sold donations for firemen and cops. The day I was, the day I met you, I was supposed to go for an interview for one of those things because I couldn't make, I couldn't make end of the week. I had to cancel an interview. Yeah. No, it's a fucking nightmare, but I worked. I worked. I, one morning I got coat up and I didn't go to a job and I said, fuck it. They're going to fucking fire me anyway. I'm sure I didn't go and I was scared. You know, you're so called an artist. You know, artists are people who have trust funds and they drink coffee all day and they tell you how they're an artist. Mother fuckers like me. You understand

me? Hustling mother fuckers like me. We ain't artists. We're fucking savages. You get up and you do what you do. So I was, I did it gradually. Like I sold cars and did comedy and then I realized, but what happens is it's the law of diminishing returns. You're not going to give both those things 100% of your effort. In my world, something I realized when I was 35, though, I wish I would have won when I was 22 is you got to give 100%. Yeah, you can do a couple of fucking jobs. They're jobs. I'm told them when you're trying to make money, you're trying to do something. We have a situation. We have a dear friend that he's been here for 14 years, a dear friend of mine, good comic, you know, but he found the niche and for years, you know, this guy loves movies

and he loves actors and he loves this and he loves going to auditions and I said to him, don't you got to stop that fucking day job. And at first I think he took it as an insult years ago. Like, and he's like, well, you know, it's easy for you to say you got a girlfriend. Listen, there was when I got the longest yard, the night before I got the longest yard, I borrowed $40 from fucking Jeff Garcia and my wife was working two days a week at fucking Starbucks. Okay. And we had to rent the car, car payments, cats, insurance, visa cards, and it happened. But let me tell you what happens when you have a love and a passion for something and you want to do it 100% and you can't figure out how to make money. You're never going to figure out how to

make money if you don't make money doing it. Do you understand what I'm saying to you? So if I'm trying to be a comic and I'm trying to fucking pump gas every day to cover my bills, I'm not really learning how to be a professional. So what happens is you remove that safety net. Like I said, if you want to be a fucking Wylinda, you got to remove the fucking safety. Anybody could fucking balance themselves in the street on when they walk. You never see those idiots when they walk on the cracks of the sidewalks. That's great. I'm talking about to be a motherfucking gangster. A fucking Wylinda, you get up and one day you go, you know what? I'm not doing this no more than to put my commitment into this. What's your commitment? You have to email people.

You have to get up, you have to get on the phone and call people. So my buddy of 14 years, I find out about a week ago because he's got something going on that's pretty good in the artistic side, which he could make unlimited though. If he sinks into this, I found out he's selling insurance. So what's selling insurance? Selling insurance is calling people up and pitching them. I list the fucking clients and call them. You get the clients from them. You call them, you go out there, you sell the insurance or they call a 1-800 number and then you return that call with a quote and you close them. Okay. Okay. For the effort he's doing there and the money, because you're not going to make money till you start closing people. You're not going to

close nobody for 90 fucking days. Even if you do, you're not going to get a payment for 90 days till you get going. Do you follow me? They give you a little fucking salary, but that salary is only for fucking 90 days. After 90 days, the safety net gets taken off and you got to sell every fucking day. What would you rather do? Sell, which is the same thing he's going to do for his company. Same thing in his net. He's going to have to call people and find out what works and what doesn't. So what's the difference? I rather make the calls for myself than make them for some fucking insurance company. You're still going to get 90 days till you start rocking and fucking rolling late. Yeah. So do you understand the difference? When you quit your job and you

believe in yourself that much, that you call your boss and say, bitch, I'm going to become a fucking painter. Fuck you and your fucking job. Something happens. Something happens and life makes you sweat. Karma makes you sweat. But as long as you get up or if you're one of those guys is going to get up at one and then go to the phone's not ringing, you're going to fail. You're going to miserably fucking fail. If you don't have a fucking job and you believe in yourself, I don't care if you stay up till three in the morning, you still got to get up at eight and you still got to attack the emails early and you got to call all the comedy clubs and then try to put people together to come to your fucking shows. And then you got to write

material and you got to do all these things. But if you do all these things every day for four or five weeks, you might be broke, but you might be also surprised on what the fuck might happen also. Somebody might just fucking call you. I was telling Terry this the other day and I go, Terry, how many times do we make rent a week late? We still paid rent, but we didn't get a check. We'd borrow the money, I'd borrow the money, I'd call a friend of mine, but we'd always paid the money back because we got, I'd get a job at the 30th of the month for 800 hours. Our rent was seven. Do you understand? You don't get what you want. You get what you need. And eventually you start putting two of those together. And eventually you start putting three of those

together. And eventually you start putting four of those together. And next thing you know, you're making a monthly fucking living. Now you're making a living. That's going to sustain. You do a few commercials, you might book a movie and you do some fucking stand-up, you might sell this, you might help somebody write this, you might help somebody write that. All these things fall into fucking place, but you're still working at what you have. That's why I always say all the checks go to the same place. My residual checks, my fucking work checks, my fucking, whether I get a check for a dollar or would I get, I was telling somebody the other day I went to the bank with $80 and there was seven checks from residuals, seven checks added

up to $80 fucking dollars. Who sends you fucking money in the mail? I get pissed off. Look at these motherfuckers sending me a 44 cent residual check. Guess what? Joey's a fucking Jew. I put that 44 cents in a bank. Years ago I used to rip those checks up, then gas went up. You think I'm fucking kidding you? I would throw those checks away. A dollar, eight, I would throw those away because I'm not going to deposit. Did they have a bar or something in Hollywood that you could bring those to and get a free drink? You got everything. They give you all those 40 cents for residuals. The only thing that is interesting is I've noticed, even though I'm losing money, I've learned so much happier. It's hard for a Jew to say that, but I do notice every day that I'm happier

than I was when I was going to work every day. Listen, I just got an email from a guy and his girlfriend's a school teacher, kindergarten teacher, and she's not happy. She just realizes what she's got to do with her fucking with the rest of her life. For 40 years, let's say. For 40 fucking years till you're 65. She's upset and she doesn't know what to do when he wrote me an email. What can they say to her? And I told her the most important thing in this fucking life. Money is great, bro. It's great making money, but it's great. It's better to make money than something that you love. It's great to make money. If you make money in the stock market and you compounded them by fucking real estate and whatever the fuck you do, that's great too.

But if you believe in a light bulb that you're going to put a cat face on it, and one day you start putting these cat faces on and you start selling two a month and four a month and six a month and eight a month, and next thing you know fucking target buys it. This was your dream. You had a funny feeling, a light bulb with a clown's face on it. Your kids would love it. You believe in that. And you're a millionaire. You're going to be a lot happier than if you invested $10 and they're fucking, you know what I'm saying? You're going to be happy either way. Yeah. I used to work for a roofing company and they paid me all the dough in the world and my brother-in-law's roofing company. Oh, we got a call from there. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. It's my fucking girl Rosie motherfucking Tran in the house. Good morning, Joey. Good morning, beautiful. Thank you very much for getting up early and doing this, Rosie. I know comedians don't like getting up before nighttime, but I got to keep you motherfuckers in check. What's going on, Rosie? Nothing. I'm actually going to do a night here about the call. You got to go somewhere where I could, where it's clear and I could talk to you and stand still. Don't be fucking walking around making coffee and shit. Okay. Are you getting feedback? Huh? Are you getting feedback? I got you now. I got you now. Okay. Um, I don't know. I just had a weird, I had a weird nightmare that I was trying to call you and the phone turned to glitter. The phone turned to butter.

To glitter. Oh, that's good too. That's always good when the phone turns into fucking glitter. You know what I'm saying? What's going on in your world, Rosie Tran? I know you got a podcast going on, but I also read your tweet. I know you're out there every night banging it. What's going on in your world? I am. I'm doing shows. I have a podcast out of the box, podcast.com on iTunes and Stitcher and I just interview weird, crazy, interesting people. Okay. And what else has been going on? I see your modeling t-shirts. You're always looking good. Me and fucking Lee, we're looking at your clothing line last night. You got little bikinis on and shit trying to show that monkey talk to me. What are we doing here? Yeah, I'm modeling and I'm doing

shows and just hollywood hustle. I love you, Rosie, because you never stop. I've known you for a few years and you never stop. And the reason why I called you, uh, yesterday I saw some stupid fucking article that some female fucking open miker that got her feelings hurt put up about some idiot that said something about women comics, you know. And when these guys say shit, or somebody says shit, there's always a couple of women comics that get their panties in a row. And I sit there and laugh. Excuse me. I think people do this on purpose to, to fuck with them because right away they go, fuck this guy or whatever. And I think about girls like you and little Esther. And I think about these girls that are on the move, you know, that are always out

there hustling and banging and you have been for years and you see that your, your star is going to come in just when, you know, what do you feel about this shit? Um, what do I feel about girls getting blood hurt? Or what do I feel about some asshole saying that women aren't funny? Some asshole saying that women aren't funny. How do you react to that? I mean, do you just sit there and giggle to like me or do you take it to heart? What the fuck? It makes me laugh that it also bugs me because a lot of the mainstream doesn't, doesn't feature a lot of funny girls. So it's like, I kind of said this before because a lot of people will come up to me after the shows and they'll be like, Oh, you're really funny. I usually

don't think girls are funny. And it's not that we're not funny. It's just that we're not getting a lot of exposure. I mean, you know, there's a couple of funny girls here and there with me, Chelsea, they get a lot of exposure, but a lot of us don't. So I don't get pissed. I mean, I can see where they're coming from. They don't know that we're out there, but I get pissed off if someone comes up to me after shows is I don't think you're funny. I don't understand how somebody that doesn't do what we do would have the balls to come up to somebody who is one of the hardest occupations in the world. Oh, I know, I fucking joke. You don't seem funny. You don't seem like you'd be funny. And, you know, you can go up to a person and be like, you don't seem like you'd

be a good way. I've known people who I there's a guy in Chicago that's a fucking dull dude when you talk to him. But once he gets on stage, he fucking rocks your world. And that's why I don't judge people's personality because they could be like a hidden fucking, but people have come up to you after shows and said for a woman, you're not funny and I can't comprehend that. I haven't had that because a lot of people are cowards, but I've had people tweet at me. I did a show opening for David Tell and I had a great set. I don't know what this guy was talking about after the show. He follows me on Twitter and then tweeted at me, you know, you, you were, you were, you weren't funny. I'm glad they only gave you 15 minutes because you weren't that good.

It's like this guy took time out of his day to insult me. I don't know what he was talking about because I had a really good show, but he obviously just didn't like me. It's amazing how you were talking about this last week about sports radio. These guys have never fucking played a sport before in their life and they'll sit there and criticize quarterbacks and running backs and linebackers. These people who fucking work hard, these people sit at home on their fucking couches, gaining weight, eating Cheerios, watching fucking games, but they'll fucking call into a radio station and pulverize one of the players for making a mistake. And the sad thing is this, there's a market for these people. I don't understand. There's a fucking market for these

people where they call in and people listen to this nonsense. I can't, when I, that's why I love announcers that are like people who played that game. Like when I watch a football game, if they're football announcers, I feel happy because they play it. They know what the fuck's going on. You know what I'm saying? Even they don't even need to be exceptional players, just that they played at that level and whatever happened, their knees or they fell out, but it's better than some guy that was a ballet fucking teacher all his fucking life. And then all of a sudden he's on NBC Sports, bad mouthing MMA or whatever the fuck. These guys have never even got bits lapped and shit. They don't know. But it's just amazing that I see, I love what

you women do, man. I've always loved women comics. They've always made me laugh. But sometimes I don't even know. I've done shit dates with you, bar gigs with you out in the middle of nowhere, the IE, whatever back in the day. You know, I've been heckled. I've been whatever. And a lot of these guys just don't know what we go through. They just think, Oh, look at this chick trying to go out there and do it. I think they're jealous. Yeah. No, well, it's just, uh, sometimes our perception of what women should be doing. Hey, man, listen, I believe in women outlaws too. When I became a comic, I didn't become a comic to be a decent person. I became a comic to be a fucking outlaw. Okay. Cause how many fucking

outlaws we were outlaws. We have no union. We have no rules. We work at night. You know, we drink eight of us are emotionally fucking unstable. I know I am. That's why I smoked dope and did drugs all those fucking years. So that's the qualifications for being a comic. You know, give me a college educated comic. I'll tell you to suck my dick. Even Jerry Seinfeld with his dick fucking face has something. I bet that motherfucker got like a half inch dick. Something's not right with him. You know, something's not right with that motherfucker's asshole, stinks, bad, something. We all have some fucking problem, you know, especially comedians. Every time I see a comedian, they try to act like they have it together. I fucking giggle. I giggle.

Well, let me tell you something. Even if they get it together and they make millions and they become successful, they still have that fucking emotional baggage. Yeah. You know, I know, I do. I had to fight hard and losing that fucking emotional baggage. And every time I lose the baggage, I've get funnier. You know, I would get more freer. I would get more avant-garde as they call it on the fucking streets. I don't fucking know Rosie, but you know what I'm saying? You're still married. I am still married. How long you been married for? He's the sweetest fucking guy in the world. I've been married for three years. And that's what helps you also. I think that every time I've seen you've been very happy and when your husband's around, he's very supportive

of you. I try not to get too crazy because, uh, you know, there was a time I was kind of nuts and I got sucked in. I was doing, you know, like 11, 12 sets a night driving left and right, doing sets. And I kind of got sucked into the standup mania and I had to kind of stop myself because it's, it is kind of a crazy world. Well, I'll tell you what happens. We just made a good point the other night. I met Lee at the Ha Ha Wednesday night. I did a late night spot and after that, him and myself, Adam Hunter, the Agostino, we went to Denny's and we spoke till two in the morning and Lee's my co-host. Say hello to Rosie Tranley. Hi Rosie. And uh, and he was saying that he was fucking shell shock after four hours that he couldn't do that every night. You

know, the comedians world is a dark fucking world. And that was nice comedians. Those are comedians that went to Denny's. Yeah, those are comedians. Those guys are really good guys. No, but Rosie, you know, comedians that went and drank afterward did that five nights a week. There's those guys too. We went to get cheeseburgers or milkshake. Yeah. 10 years ago, 15 years ago, I'd be going to do a half gram or gram of blood with some blood and drink and that's why I did four nights a week. So now we're going to get a milkshake and a glass of water and fucking Denny's. And Lee's tired. Oh, Lee was, I was wiped out too, but the next day it's people and it's so weird. Now where are you from originally Rosie? I'm from New Orleans.

No shit. That's right, the crazy party town. Oh my god, I didn't know you, like you go down in New County much or no? I haven't been back in a while, but I do, I still know a lot of the guys in the scene down there. I mean, it's a really small scene. Bill Dykes, I don't know if you know Bill. I know Bill. I saw Bill at the, at the, whatever the fuck. He lives here now, but he's back and forth and I started there. I started there with Dr. Ken. Okay. And now I'm here. When do you want to go back there? Cause I'll take you back there with me. We'll do a show. Oh hell yeah, I love it. I know a lot of local jokes that, you know, I can only do when I'm home and I love it. They treat me so well, you know, it's a party town. It's fun and I know all the

little spots to get late night food and I was a bad girl when I was there. When I was living in New Orleans, I was in high school doing stand up and back when I lived there, the drinking age was 18 and I was, I started when I was 16. And so I was just being bad. I was a bad girl. Every Asian dad's nightmare. During stand up with a bunch of degenerates. And how long have you been out here, Rosie? I moved out here in 2002. Wow. So you've been out here for fucking 12 years or so. Yeah, it's a, it's a track. I gotta say positive because there's been some dark times, Joey. So when people just say women aren't funny or whatever, it's like, they don't know what, you know, I've

been, I've been some dark times about acquitting two, three, four times. No, we all have. Listen, Rosie, that's, uh, that's fucking natural, but it's weird that you said something that was very interesting. And I want people at home to listen to that. Sometimes you do go into the stand up mania. Like I had a pullback too. I know exactly. And it pulls you for like three or four years that you're doing all this work for nothing. That's what it seems like. You do all this driving and all these sets and you get no accomplishment, but deep down inside, the reason why I'm still here today, Rosie, is because of that mania we go through. I mean, there's a payoff and there's not a payoff, you know, like I, I, I felt like that recently. There's a payoff, Rosie. There's a payoff.

I don't mean to interrupt you, but I felt like that recently where I was like, what am I doing? You know, I've been doing this for years. There's no payoff. My career's in the shitter. And then I went down to San Diego and I was headlining at comedy palace and had really good sets. And I know for the average person that doesn't mean anything, but I just felt, I felt so good. And it was, I did about 45 to an hour and I was sick. I was sick like a fucking dog and I killed it the all four times because, you know, after doing it for a certain amount of years, you kind of like get certain nuances and other things like that. And I was like, you know what, it is worth it. Hey, listen, Rosie, there's going to be one night where you're on stage and it's late

and you're, you feel like you're bombing. And all of a sudden you just pull this fucking thing up. And it's not material. It's this energy because we all have material. It's a certain energy we have on stage that comes out from years of doing it. Well, that happened to me. There you go. There you go. What was so amazing about it was, so I sometimes I work on stage, but usually I do material, but something happened. I was really fucking tired. I think it was like a, the Friday night show or something. I was so tired and I just started talking shit like with the audience. And what I did was I consider peer creation. I just started writing material on, I recorded all the sets, so I haven't still have the jokes now, but I just started writing material on stage

like I got in flow. And I didn't even know it was like I was possessed. And I wrote about 10, 12 minutes of brand new material that I have never done. And it was structured, Joey, like jokes. It wasn't like improv, like me just talking shit. It was like joke. Rosie, and that's when it pays off. That's when you know that those three years, that three year time period where you were always tired, you always broke, you agreed to do things for people and they were shitty people. You know, you're not me fucking short films. I did Rosie. You have any fun. You know, when you see me, you know, I love comics. So will you fucking Joey Diaz? He ends up with Joe Rogan. He does a fucking movie with De Niro. No, I wish it was that fucking easy. You know, I used to leave the

comedy store and do student films when I first got here. I had no home. So what did I care? At least I'd go somewhere they feed me for a few fucking hours. So I would do all these student films and I did all these dumb fucking things. And I, and when I'm sitting there opposite De Niro that day, I'm saying, what did I do to deserve me sitting here compared to all the other funny people that are out there? And I thought about those nights when I left the comedy store and went to Ho Hearst and shot some stupid movie with a bunch of Asian Chimer kids that came in from Japan. And they didn't know what that when I looked at the fucking film, they shot my feet. I'm not kidding. I did a crime movie about valets. They robbed your house while you were doing valets.

They fucked up the camera shoot. They shot your feet instead of your face. It was hilarious. Like they were doing the fun. It was hilarious. This class was shooting. No, no, I shouldn't say it like that. It wasn't like they were pointing at your feet. They had that. They had one camera on you and then their style of shooting. The other camera was on your feet, which sneakers on just to see your movement. It was the weirdest fucking thing I ever saw in the movie. Are you sure you weren't in a flip fetish video, Joey? I hope I wasn't. But it wasn't. No, no, no, no, no, because they showed you with sneakers on. It wasn't running around like a fucking caveman. I was, you know, chasing people with sneakers on and going to get cars. But it was all those little movies I remember

today, Rosie. And that's why I booked that fucking movie. You know how many auditions I got off? I got off a plane and ran to an audition unprepared and bombed. So yeah, everything we do. Years ago, when I was 400 pounds, the guy that owns a tanks to do school on Sunset next to El Compadre, you know, I'm talking about Rosie. There's a Taekwondo school there. I do actually. He's a good guy. His name is. It's the constant shirt from El Compadre, right? No, right next door, across the street from El Compadre is the Guitar Center. Oh, good. Well, there's another, there's another martial arts place that's next to. What is that toy toy? Yes, there is. Right, right, right. There's a Taekwondo center over there. But this one's a tanks to that one. He's a good white guy. And I bumped into him

one day and he goes, you should come work out. I go, you know, I'm on the road. I can only come in once a week. He looked at me and he goes, that once a week is going to keep you alive 30 years from now. And I always thought about what a beautiful statement that was, because that's what it is with Kami. Some nights we get up in the middle of the night, you're laying there with your husband, you're eating fucking potato chips and rubbing your toes. And you got to go do a set at some dump at 10 o'clock at night. And you get up and you go to that dump and you do it, Rosie. And how much, how much do you get from that late night dumb fucking set? You get a lot. Sometimes you don't feel like it, but you do. You really do. You really fucking do, man. So

that's why when I saw that, yes, that go, I got to get a Rosie Tramp because you, from what I see and what I read about the little things you put on 20, you stay pretty positive, you're happy for other people. And Rosie, that's part of the fucking deal. I've been here, you've been here 12 years. I've been here, I think five more than you 17. And I'm just, I wake up every morning, Rosie, and I'm happy and I'm still here, Rosie. Are you fucking kidding? I'm happy too, but it just sounds so long when we say it out loud. No, Rosie, it's the beginning. You were going to be here anyway. Yeah, that's true. You were going to be here anyway. So what's the difference whether you, you're going to be, what, what are you going to do? Go to New Orleans and

do, uh, be a waitress at this point? Honestly, what, I don't know. Did you go to college? Do you have a degree? I mean, I did go to college, but my parents are still praying that I become a doctor or something. Oh, sure. You know, you're raising what do you want you to fucking be? I don't want you to be a doctor. My mom's so funny. She's like, at least the nurse, Rosie, at least the nurse. And what nationality are you, Rosie? What? What nationality are you? I'm Vietnamese. Jesus Christ. Beautiful fucking tremendous. That's it. That's the work ethic. That's why you're out there. A little ester I see. What are the, you were talking about some girl the other night on your Twitter. Who were you talking about? What did I say? I have no fucking idea. You were giving

props to somebody, which was very nice. Oh, that's a coaching. Okay. You were giving props. Dante's a girlfriend. What did she, what, what is she up to? She just, uh, she just hosted the AVN Awards, uh, which is a big deal. I got to give it up for her. That was a big deal for her. Did you go? I didn't go. I was, I was in LA working, uh, I'm gonna be on an episode of Raising Hope on March 14th. Have you guys want to watch? You are on, you are on that? I am. Well, I just found one episode. I'm just a guest star. Okay. That's great Garcia show. Uh, I don't know who's on it. I was in like a couple scenes. No, it's Raising Hope on Fox. Is that it? Yeah. Yeah. Raising Hope. Yeah. That's great Garcia show. He's the same guy that did a,

my name is Earl. He's a great fucking guy. Yeah. He has the same guy that just did my name with Earl. I know that. He's a great guy to have in your corner. So that's a start for you, Rosie. Honest to God. I'm not stuck here and there, you know. Yeah. He's got three fucking shows on the air Rosie. So at least see, we don't look at the little things. I mean, before I came here Rosie, honest to God, honest to God, I always thought that if I was an extra in a TV show that I would do great. Like I was going to be a fucking extra. Like in the back of my mind, I was content with being an extra. Like if Eddie Murphy called me and said, dog, I need you in the background of this, I would have ran down that. But look at you. You're on fucking Fox on a Monday night at nine

o'clock. You know, Rosie, it pays off. Everything fucking pays off. I'm still happy you're around. I'm still happy you're really positive about this. And I gotta keep being positive because I have gone into those really dark places and it doesn't do anything. You just get really miserable. You know, my life is fucking darker and darker. And this is what gives me light is to stand up. Well, not just that too, but there's a lot of judgment. Like you were saying, you know, that guy saying women are funny or this and that. I mean, people, especially with Twitter, I think a lot of people feel like they can just criticize you or whatever. You know, I've had a lot of people tweeting at me had some chick from Canada. The other

day I had a blocker, you know, criticizing me saying I was lame. I'm not funny. I'm ugly. Why am I modeling? Why am I doing this? Why am I doing that? Yeah, just block those people, Rosie. They just woke up. You know, there's people that wake up every morning, they try to ruin somebody else's fucking day. Remember, miserably loves company. It's like, you people don't know what the fuck we're going through, but not even just to stand up just in my personal life. I'm not the kind of person that goes around saying every bad thing that happens to me. Some people, you know, they like doing that stuff.

They have, you know, an ache in their back and they complain about it for 20 minutes. You know, I've had some other personal stuff happen and I don't, I don't share that with everyone because that's my personal stuff. But I think everyone has their own stuff too, but I just don't think you should go around judging people like that. Well, like I said, Rosie, is people wake up on the roll. I wake up someone. When I wake up, I put down it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. And there's always one fucking guy that writes something. And you're like, if you're writing this, let's say you're in New York or you're an hour different than me. And if you're writing this, this early, the rest of your day

is going to suck. It's going to suck subconsciously. Is that what you're trying to do? By putting, Hey, fat fuck, fuck you. I mean, I don't get the joke. I don't get the whole thing. The other day I got tweeted that at you. You say you have a great fucking day and someone said, Hey, fat fuck. Yeah. Oh, it's hysterical. I get one every other day. I got an email that was so horrible the other day. But I look at them and I pray for them. I send them an email. I had a guy that made an email. I hate Rosie Tran at Yahoo. And he sent me an email that I quit. I suck. I'm horrible. And I guarantee these are the same guys that come up to you up to the show. They smile at you. And when you don't, when you don't, when you're not that fucking chick that wants to suck

their dick, that's when they write these things about you. Nobody who's normal will write this about a fucking woman. That's they wanted to get their dick sucked. They have a fetish of some Vietnamese girls licking their balls and they fucking go up to you afterwards. That's the only reason why. Why could a guy that doesn't know you say these things to you? Think about that. I know. I just want to be in here. They're either jealous or they're fucking mental midgets. I take those people, Rosie. I fucking, I step on them like a fucking cockroach. No, man. You know, you rub those people on your dick and you keep moving forward. Rosie, listen, I remember being at the store in the fucking comics and say shit to me. It's easier to be funny when you're on below.

And I could take these guys and smack all four of them and kill them at one shot. But I thought to myself, it's like Jesus when he was getting killed. When he looked up and he goes, father, forgive them. They don't know what to who the fuck they're fucking with. I never did blow before I went on stage. I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle it. I can't talk. But in their minds, they thought that I did blow and went on stage and was explosive and was energetic. They're probably quit by now, Rosie. Where the fuck are they? Yeah, this is just me. They're probably quit by now. There is some fucking state selling fucking insurance and still bad mouth and people. LA sucks. You got to be a faggot to make an LA. You know, all those guys are

fucking faggots. And that's what happens, Rosie. But I'm happy you called today. What's your podcast? It's out of the box podcast. You can find it on iTunes and sister. If you guys listen, that's that's great. I'm so happy. But we need a review. So if you listen, please leave a review that helps me out a lot. Leave a review for Rosie Tran. Listen to the podcast when Rosie comes to your town, go see her, bring us some flowers. And I think I'm going to do a show on Rosie. We're going to New Orleans. We're going to one eye jacks, dirty bitch. We're going to New Orleans for a minute, the howling wool for the house of blues or something. No, the house of blues wants too much fucking money. That's why I was going to get the house of

blues. But I ended up doing the Lenoette theater because I was down there last year. I shot a movie down there and I got two nights to stand up at a little fucking theater. But this year I want to do it. I've been there. I've been formed there. At Lenoette theater. Yeah. Yeah. They do a comedy festival in New Orleans. And I thought she was no or something. And I thought she was going to contact me this year, but I never heard back from her. So but I'll call you on the side, Rosie. Something else, something else. But with the people I know they're just having friends and family in your fan base, you can sell it out. No, let's do it,

Rosie. I will call you when I get out of here. I'm happy that you called. And I love you, Rosie. Thank you. I will do your podcast in three weeks. Beautiful. All right, my love. Thank you for calling. Bye. Rosie motherfucking tranlays and gentlemen, a woman with a lot of fucking balls. So if you're a woman and you're dippledabbing at the house, I want to do comedy. I'm fucking grab that fucking monkey, get that person, get the fuck out of the house and get on stage like a soldier that you are, you dirty bitches. And if anyone wanted to find her, it's at funny Rosie, R-O-S-I-E on Twitter. I love Rosie trying. When I seen the tweet last night, I gotta get around the fucking show. Let me give some shout outs to some savages here. Some fucking tremendous.

First of all, I want to thank the people who were fueling me on it fucking.com. Yes, I took three baby aspirins from my heart and I took two fucking shroom tech sports and guys. There was a point where they were flipping me. They kept flipping me and I was catching my breath and I would look up one time and I thought I was gonna die and I was there. I had my breath and on the way home, I'm like, wow, quitting the smoking really made a difference. And just a week, you noticed it right? Just a week, I noticed it, but it was really the fucking shroom tech. So on that shroom tech, I can't talk these guys up enough. Between the hemp force protein and the shroom tech, they're my fucking backbone. I'm not gonna

lie to you people. That's why I live off of them. I don't eat before I come to this. I do a protein shake in the shake that with some glutamine and that's my fucking breakfast. When I go back with my fucking breakfast, go to audit.com, give them a shot, go to joeydeas.net and go to the band of honor and press in the church and there you fucking have it. You get 10% off, they got a new program, stay on it program. They send you everything in the first of the month, just like Dollar Shave Club. It's a great fucking deal. Look into it. They also have a contest that ends on Friday to get in. You got to enter for the fighting dollars. You get two free tickets, airfare, or you get to hang out with Mike Dolce and get a personal on it is the way to fucking go.

Go to joeydeas.net or go to audit right now and get this fucking party started. I want to give some shout outs to my main man Rob Kulesh. Doug Paquette always in the house. I love Doug. Waterboxing his beautiful wife for coming for the show. Chris Parker, Alex Persson, congrats, brother. I love you for what you're doing. Eddie Vicious, Jeremy Classen, and all the motherfuckers in the struggle. Dead Squad, all you motherfuckers. I love you. Thank you for doing what you do every fucking day. The beauty of today's show was to get all out of your fucking comfort zone people. I'm sick and tired of hearing shit. Get the fuck out of your comfort zone. Go out there, eat some strange ass, do something. That's the only way you're going to personal grow. And that's

what I mean to tell you when you take a chance. I know that some people aren't in great financial situation to quit their jobs and to become artists or follow your dreams. But this is what happens. You go to college. Who the fuck are you to make a decision for your life at 18? Do you know how absurd is that? How absurd is that? When you're 18, I got to put it on you that you need to know what you're going to swam here for the rest of your life. At 18, you don't even have to fuck what you're going to do tomorrow. You don't even know what you're going to eat for breakfast. And I got to make you decide what you think you want for the rest of your life. When I was 18, when you're that age, you think you know what you want. Yeah,

you think. I felt so old at 18. And then your parents agree with you. Yeah, that's what really pisses me off. Your parents are like, sure, sign up for this before fucking years. Then they get pissed off at you when you can't handle it. You don't want to fucking do it. Or you do get the degree, graduate, and then come on, you don't want to do the fucking job. That's what I understand. That's what happens. That's what happened to me. That's what happens to a lot of people. They get that degree and they look around, they go, this is it. This is it now. I just went to school for four years to come out to work for 40 fucking two years. So I can get a what, a gold watch. Yeah. And a dinner. And you're lucky if it's only for four years. Luckily, Paula thinks she likes it.

But at the end of law school, it'll be seven years, and she'll be $200,000 in debt. Yeah, but her starting salary, her average starting salary is 90,000. But what if for a month, then she's like, oh, shit, I didn't like that. I don't like this at all. Then you got to pay off the 200 grants. Yeah, comfortable with that fucking computer. And you better start reading the fucking books on law. No, I understand it. But see, after four years of college, I could see you wanted to become a lawyer. But you already know. You already know when you graduate, that's a cold hard fucking reality. That's a cold hard reality. When I do those extra three years. I know that if I score hard, and I keep my GPA up, I'll get interest from different fucking places.

I mean, I know people who are who are the people that are half attorneys, paralegals, paralegals, they do fucking great too. Yeah, there's some paralegals that do fucking great too. I consider being a paralegal, I consider it for a while, because at least I got to work in law, I couldn't practice it. But I can do the paperwork, I can do the research, I could do all those things that come through. I enjoy all that stuff. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, there's a lot of people my age now who are going to grad school, not necessarily law school, but just like business school, just because the job market's so bad. So it's today's job market, and you guys know this, and we've been talking about this for weeks, we've been talking about this

for three fucking years in the podcast, because I don't see it any fucking other way. They're giving you, they're giving you now society is giving you free marketing tools. They really are giving you free marketing tools through Twitter and Facebook. And if you want to go on there and show pictures of your cats, fucking dog food, that's your fucking business. But you want to take care of business on Twitter and Facebook, it can fucking be done. So they're giving you this, you have some type of dream, you have some type of design, I mean, listen people, you can't pursue your dream. If your dream is to be on a speedboat every month and drink martinis all fucking day, you need 10,000 a month to do that. It takes a lot of nickel bags to control that fucking dream right there. But I'm

talking about you get yourself an apartment like this office with a kitchenette. This can't be expensive. You get yourself a small fucking car. You know, you don't fucking do a lot of drugs, you buy reefer, whatever the fuck you buy and you control, you control your fucking income, you control your budget, you can be an artist or whatever the fuck you want to be, you get into comedy, you cannot get into comedy or get into a different venture if you have $9,000 a month, you have to pet. Like my buddy has an $18,000 a month nut. It's too late for him to go, I want to live out my dream. You're living that bitch. Yeah, between the mortgage, the two cars, the fucking insurance, you know, some people's nut is fucking huge. To make a lot of money,

you need to have a lot of people working. You know, that's a fucking huge goddamn nut to control a boat, you know, you have to have a couple fucking people on it. So, you know, there's people who have you had friends that had nuts with a family, 10, 8 grand a month. Oh my god. You got to come up with 9 grand before you even fucking breathe. 9 grand. And some months you come up a month short, so you got to pop it on the fucking credit card. And that's a month, Timmy falls down and hurts his fucking knee and scrapes his fucking eyebrow. And you know, this is life. But if you keep the outpay low when you're getting into something, then it makes sense. We had a choice. We had a guy got an office fucking 3,000 with views and

fountains and secretaries and women coming in rubbing my feet. I don't need all that. What happens if fucking I lose my job? What happens if I break my arm? Who's gonna pay the two grand a fucking month? That's what people don't think about. They think what they're fucking dicks in this fucking life. 350, I could borrow. You know, it's like people that drive a BMW and they have a day job and they fucking, you know, and they're like, oh, look at me with a BMW. What happens if you lose your fucking day job? That's a four on a lot of whack, brother. You can't borrow four for two or three months without somebody saying you listen. It's either time to suck dick in that BMW or it's time to sell it. Yeah, well, think, think like I could have got a bigger apartment like where I

had been for the past year. I could have had a nicer place when I was working both jobs. But thank God I didn't. I'm much happier now that I like I'm even downsizing now. You have to downsize in this economy. Yeah, especially if you have a dream you want to pursue, you want to fucking make a shoe and sell it afterward. I know that you're probably going to hit that potential someday. You're going to be a millionaire. But for right now, you got to cover your fucking nut and you got to keep it low. Yeah. And that's it. That's just the fucking way it is. So if you're thinking of doing something or removing the safety net, just keep your fucking wax long. When I got into comedy, I got rid of everything, brother. Everything. When I got into comedy, June of 95,

when I finally said this is what I'm going to do. And I packed up that fucking condo and I sold it and I didn't make a dime. I lost fucking money. Should you call the furniture? I had nothing. All I had was a Datsun B210. What was in the trunk of that fucking car? Jesus Christ. That's all I had. But you know, my rent was a month, $35 for a pager. That's it. That's it in channel support. That's all I had to worry about in my first year in comedy. I lived in hotels. I lived in the car. I had a blanket in the car. I had little fucking stoves in the car so I could make fucking the really marshmallow. Oh, that car had everything in it, brother. I had everything in that car. I had a radiator. If that car broke down, I had everything in there. A suit. I had oil. I had

weights in there. I had a basketball. I had a football in there. When that car got towed, I lost a big chunk of my fucking life, man. I left that car in Seattle on the side street. One night in the fucking rain, I couldn't stop it. The brakes were low. And I banged into whatever. I hit a brand new fucking car from behind. That's what I got. The car was that day. And on an off-ramp, I just skid and hit this fucking car. And for a month, I drove it without a bumper, without the recorder panel. Jesus. And then I parked it in some map and I kept getting tickets and they towed it. And I never heard from the car again. The people of Seattle fucking, they got the car. They kept it with a, they kept, so we got to push this table back because this

chair has to move. Not right now, just because the nut was squeaking too much. We got to put oil in these fucking chairs. We're getting too much fucking squeaks here. People are going to complain, Joe. He stopped coughing, but now the fucking chairs are squeaking. Let me finish up this shit here. I want to give some fucking shout outs also to my people, Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is always growing. There's not a week that goes by that I'm gonna get five or six people that email me and thank me for turning them on to Hulu Plus. It's $7.99 a month. Plus, you get two weeks for free. If you go to the Hulu Plus webpage, you get one week for fucking free. We, church of what's happening now, Uncle Joey and Lee, we give you two weeks for free,

$7.99 a month. Better yet, go to joeydeas.com, go to the box and press in. Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, get you two weeks for free. Two weeks for free, brother. Two weeks for free. Who gives you that in this fucking business? Nobody. Free. You go there, you give them a credit card, boom, you open it up, you give them two fucking weeks for free. You can watch everything, documentaries, original programming. Give it a shot, Columbus did. The other people who I love is Dollar Shave Club. I'll live and die with these motherfuckers. How do I know? I switched to Shave with you the other day, cut me. I can't complain about these guys. I have not one complaint about Dollar Shave Club. They're there for you for a dollar, six dollars or nine dollars a fucking month. They send the

razors directly to your door. You don't have to stand online. You don't gotta wait until you get a fucking rusty razor. You gotta fuck that shit. It comes right to your fucking door on a monthly level. You go to joeydeas.net, you go to Dollar Shave Club and press what in the box? The church. C-H-U-R-C-H. And you get a dollar, six dollars and nine dollars. Don't stop right there. They also got the one white charlie. You wipe your asshole clean. You squeeze that hemorrhoid juice. It smells like fucking peppermint. Tremendous. Your asshole smells like tic-tac. Number two, they also have the shaving butter. Tremendous. This you have to get on the fucking Dollar Shave Club webpage. Do me a favor. Just go to dollarshaveclub.com, sign up. You either get a dollar a

month. That means for twelve dollars a year, you get quality razors, two strips on each one, no aloe. Fuck you. You gotta rub it on yourself on the side. For six dollars a month, you get the fucking aloe with the strips. It's a great fucking deal. For nine dollars a month, you get three, four blades with three fucking switch blades. A guy rubs your fucking ears with a q-tip. You can't lose. You understand me? Go to Dollar Shave Club. That's how we make it fucking happen, right now, on a Monday afternoon, Lee. You understand me, cock-sucking? This is afternoon for you? Monday morning. I don't even know. I'm fucking stoned on this vapor pad. Is it working? Because that's how you fiddle with it. Is it working? It works. I just switch the tubes around. I got like

OG Kush. I got fucking death over there. And I got Blue Dream. I said, T, where they get me going in the morning. These things fuck me up. This has been working out great for me. I need to get my lungs a break from it. I really need to, for me to get to the next level on anything, whether it's the kettlebells, whether it's walking around, whether it's protecting my daughter. I need to fucking start breathing a little bit more clearer, bro. I'm happy. I smoked pot for 37 years. I did my fucking time. I did my fucking time. You understand me? You need to smoke more pot cucks up. And not me. You people at home. Start bombing up right now. I don't give a fuck. You guys are young. You get light. You can smoke 55 bomb hits and still fucking cracking up.

Me, I gotta fucking do what I do. I love it, Lisa. What are your plans for the rest of the day? I have, this is how big of a nerdy. I'm with Jerry Rocha today at 10 a.m. And then tomorrow I have watched this with Rick Ramos and Off the Rails with Josh Wolfe and Sarah Kelowna. And I'm talking about today. What do you give me the week line up? I don't know. What are you gonna do today? I have, what is this, asking a thousand questions today? It's Jerry Rocha and moving. Okay. What's with the questions? I know, I'm telling them.

Oh, and Steve Simone, his podcast is out after you're done with this. Beautiful. So the tray you're doing or you're putting that out? No, it's all yours. I want the live podcast, Cox Sucker. We have an hour of it. Did you put it up yet? Not yet. I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna wait. If I put it up, then they won't listen to this. I'll put it up later in this week. Why don't you put it up connected to this?

Add it on to the end of it. Okay. Here's what you get. We'll do a special intake at the end of this. Okay. You know how we fucking do it, Lisa. We're just here to give these people what the fuck they want. I want you to start your day on the right foot. That's why we're fucking here. I want you to take whatever we talk about here, whatever the fuck you want to do with it. You know, we give you out some good tips. We talk about life. I just cut a fart that's horrible.

Yeah. And I'm sitting this fucking corner all by myself and the air is not working. Lee's hysterical. He went to the lady. He's like, excuse me, can we have the key to the air condition? We're like a little cold. He's like, what are you talking about? Lee's like, yeah, but the lady's like, no, I don't need to get the key. The fuck out of here. She just gave Lee this look. I want to change the air. I like it cool. Yeah. It's six in the morning. You'd think he'd want some AC on. It's cool. Even I always complain. It's cool.

Man, it's fine for now, but it's not blowing with that fart. That's a good fart. This is the smallest. It's going to pass down here. That's a tremendous fart. If you don't like it, you got to get your shit together. You know what I'm saying? When I crack a fart, I crack a fart. I don't know the fuck around. I'm not one of these fucking oaky, dope fucking pussies. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to crack a fart for you. I'm going to blow it out. It's some good stuff in there. I also want to give a shout out and I'm getting some emails about these guys.

EscapeBotTank.com. They got high quality tanks, man. Tremendous flotation tanks. I still haven't flowed. I've been busy as fuck. Don't be making jokes. I can flow cocksucker. But these high quality flotation tanks, people have been looking into it. And like I told them, you first have to be mentioned before you get noticed. They have a great product. Some people said they were going to order to have a guy around here that looked in it and looked into other flotation tanks. He's very happy with escapebottank.com. You could save two to three thousand just by going through them. They'll ship it to you if you need for them. One of these guys to come out and help you install.

They'll do it. They know it's going to cost you a couple fucking hundred. But you're going to save two fifty when you mention Joey Diaz or the church or flying Jews or Yamanca's up your ass or whatever the fuck you like. That's what they do at escapebottank.com. They're a great company and give them a call. You know, I've been talking with Jeremy and he's fucking great. If you got a problem, they have an 800 number. Call Jeremy. He'll answer all your questions for you. He's a fucking soldier. That's why I love this company. And I hope if you guys are looking for a flotation tank, this is your first choice right here because these people will save you some dough. At the end of the week, that's what I do for you. Whether it's saving your

pussy, whether it's hulu plus entertainment, whether it's on it. I'm always trying to give you the best fucking products for the best money that you have. I know you work hard for your fucking dough and escapebot tank that making it happen. So go to escapebottank.com and check out what the fuck they have for you, right? They got tons of stuff. Call the 800 number, call the number. There'll be more than happy. And that's what it's all about in this society is customer service and like calling a fucking sprint. And one of these companies, they throw a Hindu on you and they fucking throw you off. They throw a Hindu on you and they throw you off. You can't focus when you talk to a Hindu. You're thinking about fucking. I hang up sometimes. If like the ends of the phone,

I just can't understand them. We all click. I'll try the next one. How fucking rude is that? You hang up on a poor Hindu. Mother fucking can't eat meat. He's on the phone eating fucking grains and shit. His toes are all dry. You hang up on him. I saw another Hindu yesterday at the park. His toes are dry and fucking dry. Unbelievable. Why are you looking at his toes for? Because they got sandals there. I got to see them. They're sticking out fucking short thumbs. You know, if you don't want people to look at your fucking feet, don't fucking wear sandals or flip flops. Oh my God. I just imagine you looking, what do you do at the beach? You just look at everybody's feet? It's disgusting. No. But if I'm on the fucking sand,

I'm playing with this. I'm playing at the sand with my daughter. Yeah. Today, you got to go to the doctor too. Today, you got to go today. You can't keep this up. You're going to have an pneumonia. This is five weeks. You got to be a little scared in your head that you got a pubic care or something, caught in your throat, tied around a console. Aren't you scared at this point? I mean, that's enough with the cough drops and you got to get some heroin fucking cough medicine, but you got to get help today. You got to go to the doctor today. You went to that fucking Puerto Rican and CVS. They got nothing for you. You're always trying to save 10 bucks, cock sucker. Yeah. Go to the fucking doctor today. Your mom's got insurance. Yeah, no, no. I mean,

I have like no time in the day. You got time. You got time. You got no time to cough. You got no more time to cough. How much more can you cough? I was, you don't smoke dope. You don't do fucking nothing. You're always coughing. I don't understand this. So either start smoking, dope, and coughing. People don't care if you smoke, dope, and cough. I don't care if you're dying, but if you just cough, don't make a concern to anybody. Okay, I appreciate it. So you got to go to the doctor this week, all right? Pick a nice Jew, go down there, talk to him in Israel, whatever language you use nowadays, but you got to take care of this for you. I need you healthy. Oh, no, we're trying. You got to be a better friend to yourself. I need you fucking healthy, cock sucker.

You're a young man. You look beautiful. I'd like the new haircut. Thank you. You look hot with Paul. Yeah, they holding hands. What can I say? You're a savage. You're gonna get married soon. Look, it's gonna jump up and down. You're handsome. And we got a tuxedo. What are you gonna wear? Do you want it? I have no idea. Don't lie to me, cock sucker. What are you, you ready for? Are you cheap? Want you a little half? No. You want to buy a little cheap? What you got fucked up? Yeah. I did. I had three quarters of a gummy. Oh my God, that was, that was a scary right home, but it was good. It's Monday, February 24th, a beautiful fucking day to be alive. February, fucking 24th, 2014. If you've been in a coma, I'm happy you fucking woke up. It's 2014. You're

still telling yourself fucking stories and mind fucking yourself. Get it together, cock suckers. Life waits for fucking nobody. Escape PodTec, Hulu Plus, Honor, Dollar Shave Club. I love you guys. I love all the guys who listen to the show. Don't forget this Thursday the 27th through Saturday night. I'm gonna laugh, Boston, get your tickets today and next Thursday, March 6th through March 8th. I'm at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, motherfucking New Jersey. I will be on Opie and Anthony that week. Yeah, I talked to them last week. So I will have all the info for you getting ready to fucking rock. I want to thank Rosie Tran. I want to thank my main motherfucking Jew and the Jew of Jews. That's your new name, the Jew of Jews. I like it. My man, Lisa Yadda. Thank

you for moving. Congratulations on your new position as CEO and fucking assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant. That's more like it. Bad motherfucking you. I love you. I love all you guys at home. Have a great week. It's Monday. Don't fuck around today. Don't fuck around. Who gives a fuck? Go out there, stab, do what the fucking got to do. Get your head together. Get your life together. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I love you, cockseppers. What do you got for me today? I got now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and

get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to go to huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. For black people go to zuluplus.com man. That's where they have fucking people stabbing people. It's a great webpage. It's uh what's the name of that world order? What's that? Oh uh world star hip hop. World star hip hop. That's related to the middle side. Finish up. I'm sorry I didn't do that. Thank you. Um and then don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. Get a high quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Fractions. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner and then also go to escapepodtank.com and get $250 off

of your sensory deprivation tank by mentioning joeyds or the church. Have a great day. Stay black and stay fucking beautiful. And I'm searching for the latest thing I break in this routine. I'm talking some new kicks ones like me you ain't never seen. This is home. This is need street. This is home. The only one I know. And we don't believe that tomorrow because we're sick of these four walls. Now what you think is nothing might be something after all. Now you know this ain't no through street. The end is dead ahead. The pork mugs play for geeks down here. They're the living dead. Come on down. Down is the need street. They're dancing now.

I'll meet street. Dance baby. It ain't once upon a time. It's all over but the shouting. I come to take what's mine. We're searching for the latest thing I break in this routine. Talking some new kicks ones like you ain't never seen. This is home. This is need street. This is home. The only one I know. This is home. See if God is real easy. This is needs. In this desperate part of town. This is home. Turns you from hunted into hunter. This is needs. You're going hunt somebody down. Wait a minute. Somebody said bad warning. This is needs. No. Strike that poor boy down.