Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #154 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 26, 2014

Jiu Jitsu coach John Evans calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 02/26/2014.

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. And also by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. And this show is also sponsored by naturebox.com. Get high quality treats sent to your door each and every month. And like French to at the fraction of the cause like French toast granola. They have sesame sticks mentioned promo code Joey and get 50% off of your

first order promo code Joey 50% off of your first order. And also by nailed it life.com. They have all of your weed and wax and oil vaporizer pens mentioned Joey Diaz no spaces and get 20% off of your first order. Out of respect for Boston. Are you fucking kidding me or what? February 26 2014. It's Wednesday cocksucker. You're sitting there scratching your head like what? Hit it Lee. What? Fucking. This is Errol Smith at its best. Fuck all that nonsense. You fucking mooksy today. This is the motherfucking out. Get your goddamn wings right here. Straight out of Boston. Living it cocksuckers. Then the Joe Perry listen. Cutting that motherfucker like a like a piece of pussy without

a condom just slightly shit. Oh shit. Get your shit together cocksuckers. Get up jumping jacks oatmeal some fruit yogurt for probiotics the whole goddamn thing. Kill it. What the fuck? Jumping up and down over there. What's happening? Welcome to the church. What's happening now? Joey Diaz my main man the flying Jew aka Lisa. Yeah. Guess what I did yesterday? People I completed the gold sheet. I ordered the fucking shirts. All right. 300 church of what's happened. Now a shirt long sleeve with the flying Jew on the sleeve out of respect because that's how I wrote. I could have done it up here but he ain't dead. I did it sideways like that like the fucking man because that's how I wrote. What are you guys doing today? I hope everybody's healthy. I hope

you up. I hope your two feet hit the ground. You touch your head and you thank the man for giving you another motherfucking day to sling dick because at the end of the week that's the most important thing. What's going on? Well now we know why I'm not an actor. I couldn't find my script and I did good for hulu plus and dollar shape club but the other one you did you slip with on it though. You forgot on it. We never do on it for the opening. Okay. Then I fucked. We've only done almost 100. We just passed 150. Do you realize that? We're like 152, 153 right now. That's so crazy. That is fucking crazy. Huh? Congratulations Lee. You suck. I don't think that means you man. Two a week, 152. That's 70 some weeks. It's not bad. We're not kicking what off. Listen man,

consistency. We come out here Mondays and fucking Wednesdays. Next Wednesday we got no show. Next Tuesday night we're doing the show. Seven o'clock Pacific, 10 o'clock Eastern time. We're doing some type of state of union address here for fucking the church or what's happening now. I can't do Wednesday morning on live view. Besides that was going on Lee. That was your day yesterday. You're getting ready to fucking move everything. It's packed. It's a big day. Yeah it's uh every I've moved every year since I started college at least once and it fucking sucks but I used to just pull all nighters the night before and this year I did a little bit each day and it's almost done. There's a couple odds and ends and shit like that but uh at midnight last night I just said fucking I need

I need I can't I couldn't I had three podcasts yesterday and I couldn't not sleep before this. I would have been fucking dead so I just take your energy out podcasting. It really gets you tired. Two or three of them. Two or three of them. You had to do three in a day. I couldn't even talk on the way home. You know what for me mostly it does but thank you for being on ricks yesterday. There are when you're doing them that you like and they're good because I mean we usually you asked me sometimes was that a good podcast and we usually have a pretty decent podcast that sometimes a little off and on but um the one with Rick yesterday with you it just it was really cool and I like me and Steve Simone were goofing around talking about he had Duncan Trustle on his

so it's just goofy and then Josh Wolf and Sarah Colon are always fun and goofy so uh I have it's not it breaks it up for you it was all different yesterday yesterday the morning was a little serious because I mean listen man when Rick called me that morning Rick is like Joe I have bad news for you now when somebody calls me says there's bad news for me I don't know maybe it's somebody close to me or something he's like Harold Ramis that at first I was like what's that got to do with me you know yeah it's a shame but what the fuck's it got to do with me then I started to know what that guy put me in a fucking movie that guy catapulted my ego he didn't catapult my career he catapulted he helped me that was one of the first turning moments of my life I still have the picture on the on the wall

and I look at me and him after the shoot with my friend's uncle who was also on the shoot a Chicago guy on the wall and I look at it a lot because sometimes when I get down I got I didn't get to meet him at the fucking candy store and I said can I take a picture I got to work for him mm-hmm so you don't have no idea what it did for my ego boost yeah being a denero movie was great in 2002 but to meet to me the real conduit of comedy for the 80s he was a conduit you know he really changed the game with ground log day and then he really did I know we discussed this yesterday on ricks if you want to listen to it rick uh does a great movie podcast if you're into movies an old buffer whatever he really knows his game but uh I started realizing throughout the day what

how ramus meant to me you know as a comedian you know and I think he even meant a little more than prior because prior was somebody I looked up to in a different sense mm-hmm how ramus was somebody I was always a fan of like their work like genuinely like Jesus that's fucking great and to meet him uh you know nobody talks to me I have no agent I have no manager he's got a big time manager he's got a big time publicist I have none of those things and maybe it's in my best interest not to have one but that made it all better I could give a frenchman's fuck and that'll trump any fucking argument that trumps in my eyes any fucking argument because there ain't no how ramus is walking around you know so that's uh no it's great when I when he when he told me because

I was in here on another podcast I didn't hear about it but I had remembered you talking about analyze that so I was like oh shit I wonder if Joey's okay and I called you you were fine but bro listen I've lost fucking family and friends yeah you know this yeah I'm fine you know I'm not gonna I'm not one of those guys that's you know oh my god I'm not gonna wear a black ribbon on your shirt I've been at wakes man and there's nothing words you want to be a fake in your fucking daily life be a fucking fake in your daily life but when you're at a wake you really see the fakes I loved them he had his last conversation with me he was my best friend it doesn't fucking matter you know you're just here for fucking show the people who yell the loudest at those wakes and who cry the most

they're the biggest fucking phonies in the fucking world yeah you know so I'm not one of those fucking people that's gonna sit here and bend and bang bang the fucking thing and you know there's a lot of people trying to mooch themselves into the funeral now oh no you think so oh there's pukey people in this fucking world man I always wonder how that happens because even for Philip Seymour Hoffman they had the news shot of everyone walking up to the church I'm like I don't think he's friends with all these it like all these actresses and actresses and like who like who who does the guest list for a funeral what happens is they think it's hip to be seen there if they're they go they go no I don't know I don't know the rules I wouldn't ever go

but there's people in this city that think it's hip to be seen at places I have a friend that I follow on Facebook I don't follow him on purpose I don't know what the fuck how we even got the and he's a wannabe actor and every day you know every three days he posts the picture with those premier things they have now you know those things they put outside a club and you take a picture of like you're in Hollywood every two days it's a picture with the same fucking disgusting stupid fucking uncle drikeling jacket okay and the same little Italian hat trying to be fucking international do you know what I'm saying and you see the people he's taking pictures with and you see the people he's mingling with and it's like it's these fucking people that are here and they actually believe

that if you go out and talk to people that you'll be discovered and they omit the whole process of the hard work process they're what you call you know they want to go and there's a word for it when you go and mingle not mingle but smooth smooth there's another word for it even like people use to be more small swarming network I'm gonna go network but a bunch of other fucking jackoffs I hate that word that want to cut through work and just they make believe because they go out and have a cocktail in their hand that that's the hip thing to do what are you oh my god I'm a designer get the fuck out of here and meanwhile I'm home studying right in the fucking you understand that's a huge thing for people my age is networking events and I always get the

fuck there's no networking yeah my mom will call me every week with a different thing and I went to like one of them and I found out like anyone there doesn't seem to be working they're not working they're a bunch of strokes they're there talking about going to France and everything if they were anybody they wouldn't be there anyway yeah always remember that problem if they were anybody they wouldn't be there anyway yeah so if you're one of those minglers that likes to network take that word out of your thing there's no such thing as networking if you're not on stage what are you doing at this comic well I'm supporting Lisa at least I had no need no support he got the stand-up comedy it's a solo act yeah stand-up comedy is a solo act I don't want no support if you're

comedian don't come down what are you gonna support what support what I got 10 minutes here what are you here and either watch no go the fuck to a club and do stand-up then after you do two sets if you want to go watch david tell or watch a legend do comedy go but don't fucking you know I'm just going down that don't you have a set tonight no I have the night off there ain't no nights off in comedy there ain't no nights off I don't know what you're talking about networking doing what talking to a bunch of jack-offs and if they're drinking they're not gonna remember you the next day yeah you know I had snorted coke early on with a few people and I learned my lesson you mean you snorted with a group of people no I snorted with people from the industry

I learned my lesson that the next morning when they wake up they realize what they wanted what they did and then they don't talk to you really they don't want to mingle with you because you know they didn't intimate most secrets you don't want to go there repeat that's why people say to me hey I didn't get out with nobody because I learned that another time I got I gave somebody blow another time at the comedy store yeah somebody came up to me and said man I'm tired I go I bought five packages from Chewy the doorman and I'm not gonna do them all my friends not gonna show up take one I didn't even charge him the 20 bucks I said take it and a month later he was on a meeting with Josh Wolfe and John the citizen said so who's gonna you get to play this person he goes Joey

Diaz the guy goes that coke fiend same guy gave the coke to is it because people are they're fucking disgusting here in the heart in the heart they're ashamed of it no because they go oh my god I've never done below before yes you did you did it last night with me stop it do you understand me it's just fake fucking people and once you see that you learn your lesson and you move forward you know what the fuck they're thinking you know I have a friend that I would say things to like Lee come every second he was talking shit about him but don't say nothing and he would have come from proud cigar two days later what the fuck can I go to him I told you not to say nothing because don't like that you always know do you understand here you always know so one day when

he comes out to give you his hand and he's laying on the floor bleeding from his asshole you can look at him go oh by the way that night you were talking shit about me I heard about it fuck you now I wouldn't piss on you if you won't fight you never let nobody outside the fucking family know what the fuck you're thinking that's not in the movie that's in real life because it's like when I called you and said somebody got snotty with me on the set a couple weeks ago I wasn't gonna know about it I'm gonna catch that motherfucker one night when it's just me and him he's not gonna know that's how you that's how men approach men he's not gonna know he's walking around now thinking fuck that motherfucker he doesn't know I'm gonna bump into him somewhere

and there's gonna be a second where I'm along with him I'm the king of timing I'm gonna go that day on the set you thought you were cute was is there a problem he's gonna look at me in his face is like because this he's not gonna remember what happened it's just me and you here Joe Rogan's not here to protect you nobody's here to protect you do you understand me that's a beautiful I got scared yeah you never say no I don't say nothing no but I find out all the time who's talking I don't say nothing but I know and when I see him I'll give him a hug yeah well I know who the fuck I know I know what the fuck you're thinking that you get away and that's how you get those motherfuckers you see I'm sorry do you have fantasies like I'll have fantasies of what I should have said or

what I said but it seems like you have a plan already no that's the plan there's no plan the plan is that you're always gonna get somebody along with you at one time or not yeah and right there you're gonna blow his fucking world and then I'm gonna know how to act no I wouldn't and these guys always turn to Joe Rogan they all do they all call you man oh yeah they're a bunch of pussy so they all call Joe Rogan what's wrong with your boy and Joe thousand you fucking bumped into a B's in that bitch you're on your own he hangs up on them they all call Joe Rogan and complain like Joe gives a fuck Joe thousand that's why I don't fuck with him that's why I deal with him on a weekly basis once a fucking in a while because I know how Joey is that's why I don't deal with him you

said the wrong word in front of him or something now you're gonna have to live with that now you're never gonna know when you're gonna bump into him that's always gonna be lurking in your fucking mind why hunt why hunt the fucking dog down they're all gonna come back to you they're all gonna come back if they think you're weak they'll come come back lurking then they'll crack another fucking joke and that's when you got them when you were younger did you used to like like let's say the same thing happened on the set when you said something there like did you learn a lesson or was this always the way you did it I've learned over the years it depends on what mood I was in that day you know you always don't know how you're gonna

react to something depending on what's going on that day if I were to run over my own dog and got a flat and got a ticket and you're waiting for something oh yeah but when you're in a good mood and somebody tells you something off-color first you think about why they said that to you you know and then you say you think about how you're gonna handle it you know yeah in your best way and there's different ways to and sometimes I don't do it all the same time sometimes I just blow my fucking top and I attacked I need to do that more every when I get mad I get really quiet for like a while like I'll just think and I wish I had I wish I I would go like I would yell somebody more often but like you're a sweetheart but when I when I get mad I get like I got mad one time and not at Paula but

around Paula and she's like why are you so quiet I'm like this is just like if I'm not talking you know that's something wrong like it's just I don't know I just I always I internalize it I don't internalize it also when you internalize things sometimes I do this I'm the king of this this is why I've learned over the years when you internalize things sometimes they affect other thoughts that you have oh yeah and if you don't address them for a while they're gonna address other thoughts and other decisions that you make and that sucks and that's uh that happens to me in relationships with different people because I love them my first reaction towards somebody is love yeah everything else is secondary so I overlook all that shit if I love you I overlook

everything I overlook it and uh we all do that's why our children are all spoiled yeah that's why our children are all spoiled because it's okay if somebody does something you know the other day I was on the floor my wife told Mercy not to climb on the furniture and she was in the shower and she was climbing on the motorcycle I wasn't a tipsy I didn't know what to do I know if I pull that leg off she's gonna have a heart attack so I went to see what she was doing with it and all she was doing was sitting on the motorcycle that's her way of sitting on the motorcycle okay then I seen it then the other day I seen a fall off and bang a fucking head too but you follow me I mean I should have stopped it and that's where hence the expression this should

stop Hitler Munich yeah you know I'm saying and that's in uh spoiling it's not really it kind of is spoiling but uh Paul and I went to lunch the other day and there were two kids probably under 10 both and they each had an iPad playing at lunch and even when I was a server a few years ago families would go out and give each kid a portable DVD player and I was a kind of my family my mom didn't even allow a TV in my bedroom not in the kitchen for dinner or anything I don't it feels wrong when I see that I'm like these are the kids who are gonna go around like when they grow up they're not gonna be able to know how to eat at dinner like it feels wrong to like give a kid something to keep them quiet at a meal or sometimes you replace love and attention with those things

yeah comes back to bite you in the fucking ass I watched a very interesting interview last night inside comedy with uh I forget the host the host has been around for a long time great comic and he had on uh Kevin Nealon and Andrew Dice Clay wow and here Andrew Dice Clay it's a great show I watched a couple different episodes I watched the Robert Schimmel and in fact I taped it because they were talking about what clean comedy isn't dirty comedy isn't Schimmel made really said some great I'm sorry today it's kind of stand-up it always changes people but there's always a fucking story out of this but uh Andrew he was asking Andrew what he thought and he goes you know the day that Paramount bought me out and gave me my movie deal he goes I knew my career was over

he goes so what did you do he goes wow I had two young boys and I decided that nothing was over I was gonna raise my two young boys because it doesn't matter matter how many movies you have if you have two shitty kids that's beautiful words anybody who knows Andrew Dice Clay knows his whole world those two boys really I knew you know I've known Andrew for 15 years I've been very fortunate and I'm not saying this is a name-dropper I met him as a comedian you know and I really enjoy him I really like him I look up to him he's a fucking smart guy Andrew Dice Clay is no fucking dumb he started as a of an Elvis impersonator or yeah there was an Elvis yeah Elvis impersonator I could see that he's great he's and then a Travolta impersonator when Stan alive was hot he came out

he could dance and shit and his father would drive him a Jew father would drive him to clubs and he would go with him to go inside do fucking that's what you fathers do project 10% for 13 13% but that's the evolution of a stand-up and Dice has some fucking beautiful things you ever have a problem stand-up wise you go to Dice solved three minutes solved really yeah he's just a genius when it comes to that stuff so I really respect him for saying that because that's something I aspire to do you know I'm leaving today tonight to go on the road and it's so funny how it's tough to pack your bags when you have a family you know but you think of the people coming to the shows and I'm gonna get to see this guy

that guy and it really makes you happy you know but it's not what I want to do when she's five oh yeah of course you know I want to be around more you know I want to be around like Tony Bennett you know I'm saying bang there you have it now I don't want I'm sure he's not even listening but I don't want it to come off as disrespectful because I know he's a comedy legend but it's just a question let's not even say him well why because the the the enter Dice clay is a character correct why it seems like a lot of comedy people if it was someone else doing it wouldn't like that like it it seems like they might think it's like the the guitar comics like why is he you know why was he so good at it maybe or like why was it different with him do you think he committed

okay he really committed Andrew is a really fucking good comic oh yeah I mean he's a he's a legend it's not a legend as I think that's worth that word and brilliant and genius is is over you sometimes okay I think the word to use is a great comic he knows the in and out he knows the basics and most importantly did the work Bill Burr knows the insides and outside but he did the work Mark Marin knows the insides and outside he did the work there's a lot of comics you see that didn't do the work he did the fucking work Sebastian Maniscalco did the fucking work you see the work you see the work they could get derailed a fucking half the room could blow up and that's a professional you know they don't sweat small fucking things they focus on

the prey the prey is the fucking laughter to see you motherfuckers laugh that's the prey and and and you don't want to kill them you just want to keep biting them so they keep laughing that's why I'm biting you so you can laugh ah energy's going into your energy's coming out of you that's what stand-up is there's mechanics on stage when you do a small room and you do a big room big mechanics your timing you got to pronounce your words all these things go into it if I got one good thing from being a comic is I want to aspire to be a writer like right now I really want to start writing you know one thing I'm gonna stress with my daughter is writing that that that freedom that you have with a pen it'll change your life forever it does anything the freedom that you

have with your mind with a pen the freedom Harold Ramis had when he wrote a lot of that shit took you to different places you know that's the beauty of this whole fucking game that that and that's why writing is so fucking important it's something I overlooked the first 13 years of my career just sitting down and writing because you'll bump into other things till these February 26 nine about 2014 my father died February 26 1966 Jesus this last week I've been writing this chapter in this book because it was it's the toughest chapter I ever have to write because it was a chat I mean my father died at 37 the story is that he thought he was snorting coke but it was heroin you know what I did coke for 30 years never made a mistake between coke and heroin

okay so you could tell me whatever story you want it this there's always been weird I saw the fucking I saw the fucking obituaries that said he died of a heart attack and for years they had me thinking he died of a heart attack it was a relative in Miami a good good friend of his that told me the truth and he's like your mom never told you because you don't want to hurt your feelings but that's the fucking truth so I went back and before I confronted my mom I went through all the boxes up in the attic and I got every write-up about his death you know and other things fucking mentioned it you know and I've been thinking about that chapter the last three days how it's it was the reason why I did not ever want to do coke I never wanted to put nothing up my nose for years I had

made a deal with myself it was okay if I drank beers or boons for it it's okay if I smoke pot but the day I put something up my nose it's over and you know there's a lot of variable factors in my mother's death but maybe two weeks before my mother died I did coke for the first time and that changed my life forever because it was a belief that I had it was it was one of the first beliefs that I really believed in that I broke and that that was part of breaking down who I was as a young man you're not blaming that on your mother dying are you no not at all okay it was what I'm saying it was like the beginning of something okay good it was the beginning of something I thought I was doing something that was very uh what's the word I thought I was doing

something very innocent I thought I was doing something with no backlash little that I know there's a backlash you know and anybody who's done who's done drugs knows there's a backlash you know and that was the biggest backlash I wish I could take that day back really yeah I did it with lubes me and lubes bought fucking peppermint schnapps and vodka and we mixed them and we sprinkled coke on the glasses and then we did little lines and it was just it was a sad fucking day and I guarantee if I get them on the phone right now and I said think really hard how bad did that day affect you you know he doesn't have a tooth in his mouth he's missing two front teeth so that day affected us forever that day will live with us forever it affected me for 20-something years and

god knows how it affected him so do you understand why my belief was do you understand what I'm coming from yeah I had a big time belief I never wanted to put anything up my nose and then I put I didn't put coke up my nose first I put THC crystal up my nose first okay and then it was like okay I'll do the THC crystal but I won't do the fucking blow and then I got the lung infection and I was sweating in the hospital they're gonna scrape my lungs and find the THC crystal I almost said something to my mom but I didn't thank god I didn't open up my fucking lungs yeah because they had to see what the fuck was in there that was making me spit blood so they stuck a camera down my throat with a little scraper oh god oh please don't fucking remind me I was 15 years old I'm fucking

traumatized Christ hospital in Jersey City, New Jersey I was throwing furniture out the fucking window you know they had me in there for 17 days and they finally had to ask me to fucking leave I didn't care what I was spitting they were like you gotta go dog you're just a fucking savage we'll send this out to your house I mean your fucking friends are a savage too I fainted I fainted on top of a fucking dude but it's so weird how that day affected me forever but I think I'm up my father and I know he watched over me growing up I know for a fact that there were situations where somebody watched over me you know I met a lot of his friends he was a really good guy a lot of his friends came to see me and told me about them as I got older you know even

my uncle last doesn't even have to he doesn't even have a kind word to say about my mother my uncle every once in a while I would say something fucking outrageous about his own sister he said that my stepfather my real father was really good people he didn't like my stepfather but he really he was I remember seeing him in the city as a young kid because my mother and my mother and uncle were here in New York City together but my mother was living with my own uh my father and my uncle was living up in the Spanish Harlem or something he was telling me so he'd go I would go down your mother would be in Jersey but I would see your dad running errands in New York all the time he'd always giggle and he'd always laugh and he goes he bought me a winter jacket one day we should have

your uncle I just realized when he lived we have heard stories about him forever I'm trying he don't want to fucking get up early oh really yeah I gotta bring him all the way up here he'll get pissed my wife said something yesterday because he kept calling every night this week to see the baby and he wanted us to meet us yesterday in downtown at some fish market and we said fuck it we couldn't make it we went to get the t-shirts and then we got Cuban food and we turned them on and come home Mercy was tired you know it's really nice when I get this like I'm changing my schedule around when I come back when I come back I finally figure that I can't go to jujitsu's on Tuesday I can't no more so I gotta find something or go to a class that's

Mondays and Wednesday mornings because I'm here 90% of the time so if I go to a class on Monday and Wednesday mornings the next nine weeks I won't be here at all I'll be here for the podcast that's basically just the fucking podcast you know the two podcast so I'm really happy we could still get to do that but no I think about my father every day I have no pictures of him really I gave the last picture away and I left something bolder and I think my sister said she might have some pictures in Cuba so I've been going back and I hope my sister got this letter it took me three weeks to write a letter in Spanish oh wow three fucking weeks to write this letter and mail it why did you write a letter like if you just want to write a letter send the

pictures of the baby you know all the shit that's going on I said I made a copies of movie pictures and send her a few of those you know you gotta she's my fucking sister dog oh I know that I'm just I'm just like you like I shouldn't even be surprised because it's you but it's like with the days of email and phone calls like I understand the picture part of it but just writing a handwritten letters there's no emails in Cuba I can't email really they don't have no access to the internet wow I don't think they could communicate I think I know like my cousins have Twitter and shit but they only hit me on it when they're traveling around the world they don't hit me on it every day you know I'm saying it's a different fucking world man with Cuba it's

fucking different guys it's and you think about it you think about your freedoms and you think about their freedoms they got no fucking freedoms in fact when I get home I'm gonna watch uh something some people hit me up on Twitter bizarre world was all about Cuba last night that little chubby fat guy that's gay oh he's gay I don't know if he's gay but look at him because that's somewhere along the line he sucked a dick somewhere in his past I like sniff the nutsack something I like all those shows I can't do the food he eats like the bugs and no I can't watch that shit but I like this I'm in a place so last night somebody was hitting me on Twitter before I went to fucking bed and they were telling me that they go on so I watched the last 10 minutes of me and my wife they caught

some rock lobsters under you know there's no boats allowed in Cuba there's no boats like if you go out there what do you see nothing so they've maintained that to the original the botany down there that fucking there you could see right through there's no fishing in Cuba there's no fishing there's no commercial fishing there's no boats allowed that's mine that's mind blowing fucking mind blowing but Fidel wants to keep those waters like that so it's really weird is he still yeah well that's what they say there's a there's some guys you know Madame Poussard's fucking mummy fucking palace over there in Hollywood is that the name but I don't fucking the Maria wax museum same fucking difference I'm gonna sit down look at a bunch of wax

figures I'm a fucking adult I look at those tourists when they walk on Hollywood Boulevard I feel so bad for them yeah I really feel fucking bad for them I've felt bad for them since day one first walked on Hollywood Boulevard I go I can't believe people come out here to step on these fucking stars you know I've never done that I've been here for three years it's a fuck how old are we I'm gonna walk around look it's Clark Gable I don't give a fuck keep walking some bum pissed on that last night it's disgusting yeah it's fucking disgusting Hollywood Boulevard it's good up to where they take Jimmy Kimmel then after that that McDonald's and all that shit down there Michele's ain't bad though they got a nice meatball

what's up Lisa that cocksucker I got you in the corner there like a Puerto Rican you can't do jumping jacks no more you can't do fucking nothing you can't well you can wiggle though you can wiggle funk with Joey where's the music you got some music you gotta break it up Wednesday the 26th come on oh shit it's the 10 crack commandments huh what Wednesday morning cocksuckers wash that pussy let's do this shit nobody wants to have a stinky pussy on a Wednesday what wash those nuts pop those motherfuckers I'm fucking stoned already are you really yeah man I can't believe I'm not smoking fucking weed no more and it doesn't nope no anger no no fucking demise no fucking withdraws no nothing

had you gotten that other time you tried to quit I get angry yeah by the way today I'm smoking a Eureka I still haven't contacted my man the brothers up there for nailed it life nailed it life I've known these guys for a while in fact I knew their fucking cousin I grew up with that cousin in Jersey I'm trying to get that motherfucking to call the podcast because he's got some great stories Tweety but these two guys have nailed it life.com they've been on the show before you know they created goomy bears guys for the best the best vapor pen on the market nailed it life.com mentioned Joey Diaz get 20 fucking percent off I'm gonna hit him up when I leave here and have to mail me a couple with the fucking goods or

let me know where I gotta go get the goods I want every vapor pen I want to try every vapor pen in the market because now I'm not gonna smoke no more so if you nailed it life got the best one you're telling me you better nail the life I don't fucking think so okay last time I hit the nail and we brought one over here too we just I haven't set it up yet so I'm gonna fucking set that motherfucker up I gotta call the guys nailed it life but for a vapor pen people always hit me up Joey what's the best vapor pen go with nailed it life because you can hit the wax or the fucking oil it's got everything trust me and these guys you got a money back guarantee one year on the fucking battery you cannot lose trust me when I tell you about these guys go to their webpage

naileditlife.com go to their facebook page nailed it life like it and get 10% fucking off I don't care what you're fucking get off if you're gonna do business you might as well do it with these fucking people I kid you know if you're gonna smoke fucking the oil do it with these people again fuck you and your blow torches I can't have a blow torch around me dog it brings back a lot of fucking memories cut it out the vapor is tremendous you know what I'm saying do you have flavored ones or what are you getting flavored whatever I'm gonna do I'm gonna smoke a fucking hookah this ain't a hookah this is TAC motherfucker I know but I've had people come out to be like I'm smoking a Girl Scout cookie today and it tastes like it tastes like mint I'm like okay I didn't

know okay this is this is this is blue dream it's a sativa okay they have indicators so I get OG Kush I get Girl Scout cookies the refills I got were Girl Scout cookies okay so it's pretty good I do the I did a half a fucking chocolate bar this morning like a little low sugar oh Jesus get baby get the blood going from here I gotta go to kettlebell I'm already packed oh really what time is your flight my flight's at nine o'clock tonight you know what I'm saying who why are you doing that taking a red eye taking a chance columbus did I switched it around okay um I was at 7 11 the other day and I thought I always think of you when I see annoying shit there were these three kids we're not kids they're probably maybe maybe my age a little bit younger

but they each got a 12 pack of corona bottles but they each paid separately and there's like a huge line because of it and it like it just that all that stuff kills me it's like when I just one person paying and then you pay him back and I every time I see stuff like that I'm like I wonder what Joey would do here I tell you what was crazy I tell you what whenever I go to 7 11 I go for the waters I gotta get a bottle of water uh water melton zero calorie water or I get uh a blue cigarette or I get coffee that's all I get at 7 11 yeah I don't mingle with nothing else sometimes I go in there to buy water and I feel fucking pissed off you know because there's always 20 000 fucking people in there the guy's got a turban you know he don't know

no english you know he's plotting against america you know you know he's plotting against america they're selling those broken radioactive hot dogs and shit but there's always at the one I go to there's always some fucking people trying to get a lottery ticket like that's gonna change their fucking world that shit drives me crazy yeah they go in there and they get 50 scratch arms these scratches are weird this I mean and whenever anyone wins with the scratchers like you see them take their money their winnings and buy more scratchers it's like why not why not quit when you're ahead oh my god they get a fat and they slow you to fuck them let me get the numbers two nine eight 48 66 94 I'm like what the fuck you know it's like no no no and you

and you feel bad for them because listen man anything could happen in in this life I don't mind if you go in and buy two scratches a week and one day you win twenty seven thousand dollars you really want something you really want something yeah but if you go in there every week and buy 50 scratches a day and a lottery ticket here and you're gonna fucking win but you didn't really win because at the end of the week when you add it all up you're gonna notice by the time you got in your car and went down there and drove it's it's such a it's such a gamble man and I always believe if you're gonna gamble gamble on yourself I don't know why you know thank fucking god I didn't get bit by the gambling bug early because I was doomed for it at that age

all my buddies thought it was cool to fucking gamble and lose money and have a bookie and pay him and my book shows up at my job and he's cool ain't a fucking cool so I'm gonna take your money because you bet on the wrong fucking black people the fuck is wrong with you what the fuck is wrong with you you bet on the wrong black people and fucking now you gotta pay up ain't that a fucking bitch ain't that a fucking anyway I gotta catch myself and I got nothing against black people you guys control sports I'm saying how it is you know I'm saying you bet on the wrong back black people if you bet baseball you're on the board you bet on the wrong board of recantin same difference you know what's up with you what do you got to ask me am I excited to go to Boston

fuck yeah you and I both know how I feel about Boston yeah you go it's too bad it's too bad baseball hasn't started yet well let me know would you since would you go to a family park if you had the chance if the season had started if the situation was perfectly yes I would do anything but it's like when I go out of town people want me to do jiu jitsu that's I want to do it too what if Saturday I got two sold out shows I gotta do jiu jitsu and I break my ankle what if god forbid I break a toe I break a finger somebody knees me in the face and break it might it might not happen it might not ever happen but it could happen what if on the way to Fenway somebody says fuck you you fucking Jew bag and I throw a fucking popcorn at him and I go to

jail so do you understand from what perspective I look at things sometimes especially when I'm on the road I got a commitment you know how embarrassing it would be for me for me to get in trouble on the road which happens to guys like me I've been known to get in trouble on the road I gotta rest the night a hole I gotta rest in a few places on show day on game time you know so what if I go to a game it's a great game and I'm gonna Fenway Park yelling and screaming I lose my fucking voice I go to Fenway Park it's to leave it there motherfucker I'm Cuban I'm Cuban bitch I'm not gonna go there and sit you know and basically whoever they play they're not gonna be as favorite to me as the Boston Red Sox in my heart so I gotta yell for the Red Sox yeah no yeah

what's going on I call them oh shit good morning sir good morning look at mr. Evan with a with a with a a sugar drink in his hand I guarantee you get one of those energy drinks in your hand you got you got your gear on you're ready to go aren't you I'm ready to go let me get that how are you today sir I'm doing well thank you very much for doing this John Evan first of all for you guys that don't know John Evan he's one of the we met because basically John Evan made the final push and got me into jiu-jitsu over at VMAX so I owe my life to John Evan uh John Evan I went over to VMAX one day in the afternoon I had gone over there at night and I got really intimidated I went over in the daytime and you uh walked over to me and I had street clothes on like a pair of

shorts and a t-shirt and you're like hey how you doing my name is John if you have any questions and you walked away and you go hey if you want to come on the mat you're more than welcome I'm like look at this fucking guy he doesn't even care I don't have a G he knows his stuff so well that he knows that if he gets me for one hour I'm going to be fucking hooked and I came back like a week late I signed with John Budd and here we are on the phone I'm one of your biggest fans John Evan so what's happening baby nothing much just training uh I've got a bunch of good students like yourselves so I'm a happy guy and you're presently at Cabrinias we always have this conversation yes yes I am uh I'm at Cabrinias and uh training everyone's getting ready for the Pan Am so it's

uh it's pretty brutal training but it's good now one of the Pan Americans the Pan Am's yeah yeah Pan American championships are happening I believe on the 12th and I started on I think it's the 12th of March uh in Irvine okay and it's uh are you believe it's the second biggest tournament in the world for jiu-jitsu for brazil and jiu-jitsu so a lot of guys come up from brazil what's the first one the biggest yes is the uh the world which is only about two months later I believe I'm going I'll be in june it's in july correct is that is that the one in july okay oh you're thinking of the the Gracie world the Gracie world that's the one I'll be at San Jose yeah there's a bunch of different worlds no there's the

IBJJF worlds and they also the IBJJF also run uh the Pan American games too which is it's international brazilian jiu-jitsu foundation the Gracie worlds are run by a different Gracie though so uh yeah there's so many Gracie's that they all have their own tournaments now so where are the worlds taking place at the world during Long Beach at the the welter pyramid which is a great venue I don't know if you've been to it no well it's really nice um everything's new and it's huge plenty of seating and a lot of people if you haven't gone to the world so I highly recommend it because all the brazilians fly up and they fly up with their teammates and it was crazy the first time I went to the world was there in Long Beach and I didn't realize that uh the teams

they're separate teams like the Gracie Baja Alliance um a bunch of different teams and they sit they usually wear their teams shirt for the worlds and they'll sit in one section of the bleachers and during the finals they'll start chanting at each other back and forth for their fighters that are facing each other on the mat and it's really crazy like they'll sing and chant and it gets a little heated but it's pretty cool so now this Pan Am are you also gonna be uh what's the word I'm looking for are you gonna be fighting in them uh I was planning on it I still may do it I did hurt my back I just missed a week a straight week just a few days ago so I am back now though everything's good if I'm in cardio shape then at the end of this week I think I'm gonna sign up

and what's cardio shape for you when it comes to jujitsu oh man it's not uh I don't know if a lot of people have trained before maybe that that listened to your show but cardio shape is is pretty intense like if you're in good cardio shape it's not just like what you can do in the gym because in the gym we roll maybe when Cabrini sets the timer you roll 10 minute rounds it just really long like typically most people roll around five minute rounds maybe seven minute rounds we roll 10 minute rounds and we roll six of them in a row without stopping or maybe more you just change partners every 10 minutes which is pretty brutal but that's not even being in cardio shape because you can do that in the gym but when you go out to a tournament and you

start competing the nerves just kill your cardio so if you can do that in the gym you think you're going to be good you go out to a tournament and you might be dog tired in the first two minutes of the match so you have to really push your cardio to the next level in order to keep fighting through so it's amazing that uh it was around me for the last 10 years you know and I always I don't know I was more of a striker you know I was raised in the 70s where everything was more striking Bruce Lee and karate and kung fu and I don't know what made me walk into V-MAC I was frustrated with the kickboxing it wasn't doing anything for me you know it was helping my cardio a little bit plus I had an ear infection at the time from flying and it's a weird thing

when I'm in a small area the echoes make me dizzy I get like uh not lumbago what's that stuff you get where you get dizzy all the time there's a vertigo vertigo that's what I would get oh wow so it was just every time I go in there there was so much echo at this little gym that it would drive my ears crazy I can't tell you how I don't know what it was I never had that sensation before and there was a kid there named Ramon here I've known that he bravo and Tate Fletcher and Alberto Crane and you know I bumped into Marcelo Garcia at comedy events because he's friends with Joe when I've had conversations and I never thought about the jujitsu till that one night I drove by and I saw a V-MAC and I go I have no excuses I'm right down

the corner I mean even if my fucking car breaks down I could walk there and John Evan you know it I'm not here to lie nobody the first 30 days was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life John Evan you know it you know John Evan I was having a hard fucking time I was doubting myself how it was wrong well you know that's not uncommon though I mean the the reason that I stuck with jujitsu is because I got smashed like hard hardcore smash maybe my first whole week of class of course he gets smashed for your first six months or so but it gets a way easier after that but the first week I got smashed so bad that I was just like how how could someone my size make me feel that horrible and I want to know how to do that so it's not uh you know it's no

knock on you it's just when you're new to it it's creepy I was I I mean I would get heart attacks by the hip escapes as soon as you said hip escapes my blood pressure would just skyrocket and I was in the testosterone I would go over there and it was just killing me my my anxiety was to a different level you know sometimes I would forget and I'd eat a pot out of a bowl in the daytime and I'd go to one of the night classes and my whole world would be turned around because once the marijuana tells you you're gonna have a heart attack you're gonna have a heart attack I mean it's in I would have to take my G top off and run outside and yeah it took me three months of mental like like every time I would put my knee pads on and then my G pads like I would say a

prayer like God please if I'm gonna die today you know make it be get hit by a fucking car not by a hip escape I don't want to die on the mat and then one day I just got off the testosterone I put my faith in you I went to a v-max had a little tournament and I uh walked in there and you were there on a Sunday I had flown in from somewhere and I went and I was just amazed I had gone to karate tournaments and I had been to UFC events but to see a small competition I understood where these guys were coming from because I know what hard work is true comedy it's the same thing you're going to perform John Evan I'm going to perform it's the same nerves John Evan yeah and anyone I mean I've never done stand-up comedy or anything and I think most people can relate with

the fear of public speaking just for anyone it's I think it's the greatest fear of adults which is crazy to me but it's it's true it's it's scary and especially there's like stand-up comedy I could only imagine it's just one person and you have to be funny for all these other people your heart's got to be in your throat and same thing if you haven't competed in a combat sport it's very very nerve-wracking and a small tournament you would think it would be better but it's nearly worse because there's this weird kind of informality to it which makes it feel like a backyard thing it's grassroots yeah it's grassroots so I felt the fear when I walked in and that's what made me fall in love with jiu-jitsu that day that it was no different from what I was doing hey listen man

when I first got into comedy John Evan I'd show up to get fucking booed I didn't get booed but I didn't get no laps what's the fucking difference John Evan what's the difference John Evan yeah so then you go to now you get on stage 10 times a month and basically you're getting booed nine out of the 10 but the more you go John Evan now the booze become less you get eight booze a month then seven booze a month then six booze a month and then pretty soon you're gonna get booed twice a month that's gonna happen I don't care how good you are but you stick with it and that's why I stuck with jiu-jitsu because I could understand the fear of doing stand-up but to me it's second nature I'll get up at a fucking 7-eleven and do it if you dare me I of the fear of fighting

in public or wrestling in public to me is fucking embarrassing not in a class setting I love getting choked out in the class setting but if I was going to a tournament like the worlds or anything even that little one that I was at with you I'd be shitting my pants I'd be farting I'd have anxiety I've had pee stains on my gi because I pee my pants now before I go on stage from fear so I don't know how you guys do it I think you just described my first tournament experience okay it's terrifying it's it's horrible and I didn't I had never competed in these any combat sports before and when I did my first one I'd only been training two months and I had no idea what I was doing they just said hey you should go do this and I was like all right it won't be

that nerve-wracking I just showed up to the gym it was an in-house tournament but we invited other gyms over local and just showing up to the gym and just walking inside like I thought I was going to puke oh I felt so bad and it just feels like you're going to be in like a real fight even though you know like oh I'll just shake hands with this guy and we might go have a beer afterwards but just for some reason your body is like this is a real fight and you're fighting for your life and you should be scared and it's very freaky but uh yeah it's very nerve-wracking stuff and it makes you incredibly tired right away one thing about you that I really admire and uh for Lee that has Lee's my co-host to find you say hello Lee to John Evan hey John how are you doing he's a great

man John Evan one thing that uh really gets me going about you John Evan I'm a big fan of yours is that I dedicate my life to stand up Lee's dedicating his life to podcasting and producing my albums and whatnot you dedicated your life to jiu-jitsu you're a young man you teach it you personal train you perform you know uh how does this make you feel I would be in heaven um it's uh you know you I wouldn't recommend getting into jiu-jitsu for the money because there's just not a lot of that in it but um I mean I'm I'm I was always a nerdy kid and I'm a nerdy adult and I like the ins and outs of you know they they make comparisons to chess with jiu-jitsu and it's just a very technical sport and I love that about it my OCD just kind of goes crazy and I have

to know everything um and then that with the competition side of it oh it's just fantastic so even though you know I'm just scraping by I'm doing what I love every day so really probably the best spot I've ever been in in my life which is a really nice thing to be able to say but you do videos you uh you do commentary I read you know I've never seen you do the commentary but I know you do YouTube videos uh you started a tournament where you're doing your backyard which I fucking think is tremendous I think it's the great I wish I would be home when I was home you didn't have it I would go just on a Wednesday just to watch and it's the same thing we're doing we're just trying to feed ourselves here every day you do it differently you do it with something

that maybe there's no money in but the satisfaction level is just superb I mean you're the basically only guy called when I can't make a jujitsu class because I love how you teach I was thinking about your warm-ups the other day I used the single like takedowns I knew nothing about that I knew nothing about takedowns I was scared of doing them you made them so simple and now you said something to me at that tournament that was what a good friend says or a good teacher or somebody who you're gonna work with you looked at me and I go you know I love to be doing something like this and you said it's gonna be a lot of hard work you know it's gonna take you like 18 months I remember getting the car going 18 fucking months and then I thought about my stand-up I'm taking jujitsu

just how I did my stand-up it took me 20 years to really find the in and out so I worked hard at it it's gonna take me the same amount of time jujitsu to fucking figure it out and on Sunday I saw Danny and Asanto rolling can you believe that I never even knew about that I thought he had like a blue belt or a purple belt in uh jujitsu I think he's been training a long time from from what I what I remember I mean he was training for a long time even when I started training and I started training seven years ago so um I'm sure he's been training all along he must be pretty knowledgeable by this point fuck he was there with Bruce Lee I mean he's you gotta know a thing or two I mean not about jujitsu

but I mean he understands the martial arts so he must be picking it up real easy but just to see him rolling at 70 and what his body looked like but most importantly what his mind was like he was a sharp guy he's a sharp guy at 70 so that's it John Devin I'm just uh I'm a big fan man I've wanted you to call for a long time and you know you're just your approach to teaching why do you have that approach that you break it down and I've never worked at nobody else in jujitsu they tell you put a foot here put it on there and do this you tell me why to put the arm there why not to put the arm there where did you get that teaching style from uh probably just good teachers for myself you know like um my uh I love education just in general um when I went to college I hated

the whole lecture notes format I think that's a terrible way to learn unless that's particularly the way that you learn things like um everyone learns things differently uh and depending on depending on uh what your personality's like um you know are you a kinetic learner do you learn by moving and are you a visual learner do you have to see something you have to read something that everyone's different so to try to throw a blanket over it and then label people as dumb or whatever if they can't pick it up then I think that's just the worst way to go about things and that always frustrated me um but then when jujitsu came along I had some really great teachers uh my old teacher Sean Williams a fantastic teacher to really explain things well and uh just break it down

for anyone so if you didn't get it he would say something and then you'd get it um my teacher now could bring you an amazing teacher just really knows the ins and outs of the game and if he had questions he'll just sit there and answer them for you it doesn't matter you know if you feel that they're stupid or if it's just a tiny little variation or you have 40 questions you'll answer them all and I think that is really important because some things come naturally to some people and some things are just tougher but uh we'll learn at our own pace it's just important to make sure that everyone can learn whatever you're showing that day so um I don't know it helped me a lot and I would love to be able to help other people with jujitsu especially it's so technical too so

if I can do that then um I'm pretty happy it's really the other day I went to that workshop and he was talking about a student in Brazil when he first started teaching him and one of his brothers I don't know which one of the brothers he and Machado was talking about and he said that they had a student that he goes he hated to say it he was one of the dumbest people he had ever tried to teach that every day he had to ask 30 000 questions and the next day he still didn't know the technique well finally after like five years he picked up a sweep but he did that sweep so good he told he said the guy's name and the guy won the worlds four years later or something like that and that's how he won the world he did the sweep eight times or something to eight different

opponents or something and even though they knew he was coming his sweep was so good because he just fell in love with that one sweep and he just focused on that one sweep or something and he goes he was just killing I forgot the guy's name he said but uh it's amazing that there's a lot of moves in jujitsu I can't do and there's a lot of moves that I could do and you take the things that you could do and you practice them it's so weird there's a lot of moves I can't do you know and and there's times that I get ashamed or something that I feel bad but then I go wait a second you always come in with a variation and you get me to one point where I could work it from that point even though I didn't know I could do it because of my size or my girth or whatever so

there's a lot of people out there that ever since I've been talking about jujitsu on the show John Evan they've been hitting me back and going because of you I walked in to a jujitsu thing and I do it now and I just wanted to have you on to let people know that it's very easy it's just getting down there you shouldn't be ashamed that every size works there's something for every size in jujitsu absolutely I mean that's in my opinion that is the best thing about jujitsu it's for everyone it was made originally for the weak the feeble to not not to come to bigger bullies and that carries forward but of course today it's the same thing but also now if you're bigger if you're athletic if you're lengthier if you're smaller it doesn't matter everyone can do jujitsu and sure there's

something that you have to modify like if somebody has a bulging disc on their neck we're not going to play a lot of inverted guard or maybe they can't play any inverted guard because it's going to be too much pressure on their neck but maybe they can use a butterfly sweep or they just roll up on their shoulder instead of all the way back onto the neck and that still works for them so you know there's always going to be obstacles but I think through trying to work through the sticking points and then also slightly adjusting the game for that specific person anyone can do it and that's what's so great about it John now what are the what's the videos that you post up on are they instruct on videos or you do

commentary on videos uh both both I do made my main the main thing that I do um I started a bjj breakdown just Brazilian jujitsu breakdown um I started it because I wanted to put commentary on high level tournament matches and mainly because I was injured um getting older you know get get injured a little bit more and I had a bunch of downtime and in my downtime I like to keep visualizing keep drilling jujitsu so I'll watch a lot of tournament matches because it's really good to see what all the top level guys are doing but I also thought well I really I mean it was about two years in where I looked at one of the matches from the worlds and I was launching it and the black belt match and I had no idea what was going on and I've been training for two years and I had

no clue what was happening and that was crazy to me so then you know only about like years or later I started to realize like wow I I know a lot of what's going on now and then maybe a year or two later I kind of knew almost everything of what was going on and I figured by throwing commentary over these high level matches I can help anyone who doesn't train or is just interested in training or even people that have been training a while to see everything that I'm seeing and at least put context to it so it makes sense and it doesn't look like two guys sitting there hugging in pajamas um so that's that was my goal and that's the main thing that I do with BJJ breakdown but we also for the people that do train we do uh instructionals as well I threw up one with one

of my teammates Isaac Doderlein who just won the Europeans at Brown Belt because phenomenal and he shows a flying leg drag and it came out pretty well so I'm happy with that and where can they find this stuff John Evan? Yeah so the best way to find it is either uh at my youtube page directly which is youtube.com slash bjj breakdown or you can go to bjjbreakdown.com um or like me on facebook I have a facebook page for bjj breakdown so any one of those John Evan you're a great guy and a great teacher and you've helped me a ton you know I continue you know I'll be your student forever brother so I just want to have you on and let the people know and if you want to you know John to train you if you're in town visiting or you want

to try uh John to tighten your moves up how do they get a hold of you on facebook correct? Yeah you can just hit me up on facebook or you can send me an email my email is John at jlhns at bjjbreakdown.com so nice and simple you're beautiful John Evan I'm happy you woke up early to do this I love you no I seriously I mean it's it's students like you like people that you know it doesn't matter you just have a positive attitude towards it doesn't matter if you're taking a long time to learn something or you learn it right away but you know you're gonna learn it or you'll tweak it some way to learn it just a good attitude and you just keep plugging away at it and I mean stuff like that is for a teacher it just is so rewarding it makes it all

worth it so I really really appreciate you and students like you it's uh it really makes makes me feel complete when I'm teaching you know you know there was an article floating around facebook a couple weeks ago about the nine things that your teacher doesn't want you to know did you get to take a look at that stupidity yes I did I did and it's really weird what what it's become but uh thank you for keeping it real thank you for genuinely caring which is what I feel from you you genuinely care and uh that that that you can't put a price tag on that that's uh that that shows you're a great teacher so thank you for waking up early and calling and John Evan you're a gentleman the scholar I got the utmost respect for you man oh you guys too thank you so much I really

really appreciate it thank you buddy have a great day and we'll talk during the week I'm headed to Boston so okay well good luck there you got it my man all right thanks thank you seriously man he's a great guy if you guys live in the LA area and you want to come up on a saturday and train with him on a sunday he takes you right through his garage he's got the match right there really fuck yeah man he's uh he's a neat guy doesn't drink doesn't do drugs likes death medal you know he's a true nerd you know uh you know he's only supposed to teach from 12 30 to 130 on tuesdays and thursdays he stays till three he rolls with you he you know and for a fat guy man and we have these doubts you know I always have fucking every time but I had to eat up my fucking

stupidity and I tell you I know I could do this till I'm 70 you know I want to live to see mercy be 70 I want to at least be 20 to have a direction you know I don't want her to and this is the only way I think I'll keep my heart going and my legs and my joints and my flexibility I'm not I was still thinking about the stuff I learned on sunday I'm not going to be able to do that to people but it's not that it's seeing people in the 70s still do this we could buy ourselves an extra fucking 20 years you know and listen man I I'm ashamed as fuck I'm so ashamed that I have to uh like I breathe I go crazy so what I do is whenever I go to jujitsu I go 20 minutes early and when there's nobody there I run around and I do hip escapes and I do spider things on the wall

so I can breathe like a hyperventilate before everybody gets there when I go work out like the other day I was doing the kettlebells in the morning and I was still sore from sunday and I went in there fucking monday morning and by the third set of swings league I get like the skunk sweat okay it's two it's two sets it's 20 minutes it's like eight minutes of uncountability where I have doubts with my life and I have to keep going to the island of serenity it's like the sweat and it hits all over my body sometimes you just sweat out of your head sometimes you sweat out of your armpits this is a sweat that I could feel the sweat in the back of my knees it's fear sweat okay you know because my body goes into fear that something's happening you know I'm 300

fucking pounds I'm moving 300 fucking pounds if you pick up two things the cat liver that's 70 pounds walk around with that you're like god damn plus your weight I'm walking around with 300 I'm going in there not sometimes I don't get uh I don't get I get discouraged because I'm not learning the moves fast enough my fucking hip escapes now are greatly I couldn't do and now I can hip escape and I'm using this and you know I keep getting these emails people saying you look a lot better you you seem more confident every time I walk into that jujitsu when I walk out I feel a lot better about myself I don't even give a fuck if I get choked out I don't even worry about that if I do one thing right in class and if I learn one thing and if my shirt I have a gray shirt I wear which

is ripped I gotta get a new one a Nike shirt sleeveless underneath okay I don't fit in a fucking rash guard it was it was so tight I couldn't breathe as it is so it's so weird how uh if I don't see sweat all the way down to my fucking belly button like that shirt is covered I gotta take that motherfucker off and throw in the bag and hang it up before I put it in the hamper like that's what I go to jujitsu for because I know I get that real man sweat that that fucking uh that wrestler's sweat yeah that wrestler's sweat fucking is that's the shape you can smell the bacon you smell the meat loaf you smell the mashed potatoes and the french fries anyway I want to thank John Evan and I'm definitely serious if you want a good cheap trainer and you live in the LA in the valley

he's a great guy man and he knows you know I went to a couple of personal guys for jujitsu and they were teaching me a few moves they were beating me up and I was going home not with John Evan with John Evan you talk for a little while he makes you do he makes you raise your heartbeat he makes you do a lot of warm-ups a lot of drills like I was like Jesus fucking Christ John Evan I gotta plan in three hours he didn't give a fuck then he teaches you something and he drills it 80 fucking times from three different situations and this is what's going to happen by that time you're dying then he's like no let's do this side now you do that side and then he has you roll with him a little bit he lets you know so by the time you get out of there it's it's a it's a

you know most people do an hour on the dot with him it's an hour and a half and while you're walking to your car you're thinking about shooting yourself you're like I can't feel that work you know he works you I've been to other guys that little goggy lally they don't want to lose you a lot of personal trainers don't want to lose you so they don't push you they want John Evan's like if you can't take this don't come back you know and it's good because he's your friend he's telling you that this is and he doesn't he's not really working yeah I was just that bad a shape all he was making me do was do like hip escapes jumping jacks and then do some other drills but the one that was killing me was getting up getting up Lee yeah I mean it's it's from your back he would make me rock

and then and then he did it he goes no no no let's do this so I met with him for like six weeks in the row I'm like Wednesday mornings and he would make me just get to one knee one knee then he went up to two knees then three knees then he's like all right do both sides three times that killed me Lee three times I'm 50 years old I ain't gonna lie nobody on the air now I get the 10 times on each side but when I started with him Lee I couldn't even get up I couldn't even get up Lee 51 years old 50 year old man can't fucking get up with some Puerto Ricans taking me now at least I know how to get up I can get up and drop on one so it's a little things guys I hate the heart upon this anyway well since we're talking about health on it that fucking calm for all your health needs

they've been pushing me through this with the shroom tech when I broke my toe the fucking the strong bone you know that sometimes I'm sharper than others because even though I smoke reefer and eat chocolate bars in the morning I pop a couple of those fucking alpha brains every you got no reason you got no excuses to go down okay no excuses whatsoever on it.com they got the fucking you get the stuff at the beginning of the month you can register in today no Friday's the last day to register for Robbie Lawler against Fidel in Dallas and the Mike Dolce you get to jump up and down with Mike Dolce go to honet.com register for the sweepstakes also while you're there get some shroom tech take a look at the new stuff they got the new green

minerals you want a kettlebell got a kettlebell listen I went over to sports five whatever the big five I got a kettlebell cheaper at honet and I did at the sports five they wanted to charge me 75 dollars for a 35 pound barbell for 75 dollars I got a 45 pound barbell on it I don't know what the the shipping is so I'm telling you right now you could save money on it do me that favor I wouldn't put you in something that you weren't gonna save you money go to joeydeas.net go to the honet box and press church church c-h-u-r-c-h that's how we do it here bitches get yourself get healthy get healthy be a fucking friend to yourself start with honet today even if you just gotta walk around the fucking corner I don't give a fuck what you gotta do like Dolce say touch the

fucking mailbox I didn't go to acupuncture yesterday because I got caught up doing other shit but I was looking at my ankles today they're fucking nice and neat and skinny because I worked in circulation you want fresh blood hang your legs up from time to time like I did with you in that office that day remember I heard my legs yeah we're sitting in here the next day I felt like a fucking new man all the blood goes out of your leg that blood gets goes through your heart it gets pumped by boom by boom by boom by boom trust me go to fucking honet.com and cut this shit also you want to look sharp you want to feel sharp fucking dollar shave club why are you fucking around cuck suckers go to dollar shave club you get your monthly package one dollar six

dollars and nine dollars let's pretend you go with the six dollar package that's 72 dollars a fucking year you get a pack of four four raises every month let's say you use one every eight days you keep a raise in case there's an earthquake or a flood so while you're under in that fucking Nazi bunker you can fucking shave your face and your koolo and your asshole they also got amenities they got cocoa butter the shave stuff you put it on your face your shave it makes your skin feel nice look my scars are even going away from picking my face when I was doing blow all those fucking years number three they got ass wipes they make the ass not like a fucking tic-tac who's better than you you show up at the chinese girls house and your ass already smells like a

tic-tac she's gonna ask you have a tic-tac in your ass oh fuck no bitch lick that muffler it's wednesday cocksucker get on it go look at honestly i'm throwing a fucking pun at you anyway go go to dollar shave club go to joeydeas.net go to dollar shave club press in church and get your fucking deal one dollar six dollars and nine dollars why go to fucking some pharmacy and stand there like a momo behind a bunch of people playing lottery tickets well you just want to get your fucking razor and go why walk around and shave yourself with a rusty razor then you got rust on your face and you look like fucking iron man or some shit you don't need the aggravation go to dollar shave club go to joeydeas.net get some tour dates see what uncle joey's coming to your neighborhood

bang your fucking get the the box and you press church church ch you are ch dollar shave who's better than you who's better than fucking you once last time you went to the fucking temple league it's a temple fuck i have no idea probably before i moved here well it's time to make a comeback cocksucker oh i can't do it it's gonna look like one of these fucking Gentiles let me get a water here i got the truck with boys kicking in you want to hold me back like the devil how many waters we got left i don't know 80 i gotta get another fucking couple cases this is better than drinking dyed soda in the morning i'm off the soda really yeah green tea water little cranberry juice with club soda and yeah i i'm i'm gonna try to do the use of green tea is

good i need to find something that isn't too strong but i need the caffeine in the morning you do yeah it's fucking i wake up at five in the morning to get here good stuff how about a cup of coffee a lot of fucking steve i can't do coffee why not i couldn't do coffee three years either good little shit but that's the whole point why am i gonna you see all these mommos at starbucks spending five bucks a cup but if i go three four times a day i'm spending 20 bucks a day on coffee who's doing that a lot of people well you know you know a lot of people you at least say at the motherfucking flying juice so i find something i like yeah there's one cup of coffee in the morning we'll get you a nice corrupty machine you put the poppin bam that makes green tea too you put

ice cubes in it kind of think i'm not exactly i'm not exactly good at moderation so i'm i'm worried if i get myself to like you know start drinking 72 cups 18 milkshakes a day i if i if i had a blender at my house yeah if i had a milkshake machine how good a fucking milkshake what's your favorite flavor black and white thin or thick i like thick i i don't mind thick i uh and it's that's different than chocolate it's not chocolate ice cream it's vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup you know let's say you made it thick would you put a little black and white milkshake on your girlfriend's monkey and like it would you oh yeah oh okay a little ice cream like a like a pussy yellow mode fuck yeah oh look at your face is getting red look at that yamaka spits

we did get me one of those one of y'all not going to look a little thin i had Ari rob me one from his family reunion i told him to rob me one because you don't want a new yamaka you don't want one he's taking oh yeah you clip it they make eight thousand of yeah but you clip it you don't want a new yamaka you want it stolen that brings good luck my stolen yamaka you go to the track you'll definitely hit a daily double i've done it before you go in there as a juke when does that start we're saying i need to kind of go online they got opening day fucking tremendous i went last year no yeah we're saying i went with mercy for her birthday i love when mercy was born like a week after mercy was born we were the track with the fucking hilarious fucking hilarious

we were having a great time out in the sunshine they're not like the track yeah listen it's gonna rain this motherfucker you see these gentiles y'all got cups outside their windows and shit oh really these fucking white people they they can't live without a drought dog you got to see what we're living through out here these republicans they're fucking worried about the drought let's take a two hour shower i don't give a fuck do you want to hear the funniest thing in the world go ahead my mom called me about two weeks ago and she said i just i heard on the news that there's a drought so when you move every time we go to the store i get a gallon of water just keep it in your house you never know what's gonna happen no i do you always gotta keep watering yeah but every time we

go to this door every time jesus god i tell my wife every time she goes to the store to get mayonnaise to get tuna i tell her to stock up on the tuna because you never get enough tuna there's an earthquake there's an earthquake you ain't got nothing you're sitting there like a fucking stutz for eight days i got fire i can make some steaks you know i got a grill how much why do you have your house i got tons of water i mean maybe i should i just i probably have five cases of water yeah bottle water i got those gallons i always tend to bring me an extra one there's an extra one stashed in my closet jesus just in case you gotta wash your pussy if there's an earthquake do you have an earthquake kit i got everything do you really my mom told me to do that i got a generator a fucking not even a

gas power generator i got the real fucking deal with it with a i think uh i don't know six day fucking battery i got nervous with that i looked into it and i said fucking especially now with mercy i got no time to fuck around me i'm a savage you give me a knife like ramble i'll come back with a deer that's true but fucking the poor baby what's she gonna do she can't live without her electricity you know at least i could sleep now without the sleep at me that's why i also started going to just to overcome that fear so there was also different variables on why i was doing this shit so that's the uh beauty of it i didn't even give shout outs to motherfuckers let me give some great shout outs greg and win powers i can't love you more they sent me a sweatshirt with el relo

club the name of my mother's barn my name on it's gray one yeah i love these guys he's got a hot little aging girlfriend he must tire up and rub fucking twice cook pork kind of fucking little monkey how about my man christian stevens rubin garabay kirk kirtus papabano javi zeta zera i don't know what the fuck country you're from but i like it javi zeta varela are you fucking kidding me or what paco prishadato will thompson and daniel heitzen i love you motherfuckers don't forget i'll be at lap boston this week tomorrow friday and saturday five motherfucking shows eight and ten go to lap boston dot com next week i'll be at the fucking stress factory you know by the way i didn't forget nobody by the way guess what i ate last night what do you eat uh yesterday i went home

my wife didn't uh have granola and i had that black and white granola from nature's box guys a little bit of vanilla yogurt a banana some raspberries or whatever fruits and season by your house let me tell you something that fresh banana adds the whole patois with the granola and the and when i lived in bold i used to go to this uh the harvest house not the harvest i said we got what the fuck it was it was a vegetarian place and they had this iced tea that would make your hair stick up do you know when they took that when they switched iced teas one time the city got a petition i don't have to bring the iced tea back it was that was a cinnamon spicy tea that made your fucking hair stand up with lemon good googly morning glass of water i was in the halfway house i went to

every morning for breakfast and i ran boulder track that's why i started getting shin splints and shit and that's why i started getting bresaidas in my heel because i was in the halfway house i used to do that but they used to have a swiss granola it was vanilla vanilla yogurt granola strawberries blueberries raspberries every type of fruit you let the yogurt melt a little bit you mix that motherfucking we with two pieces of whole wheat toast harvest talented though you dig it's hard for a long time i've been doing that again for about the last month it's just in the afternoon just to get my fruit fill you know if you want to lose weight weight watchers says you gotta eat fruit seven times a fucking day so that's an apple here a banana here that's you know a fruit box

here and uh so i i take that and i fucking mix it well i didn't have the granola i tried the the white and black granola from natures box that's what i'm trying to say to you people go to natures box they got it and i read the calorie count towards the one i had the protein natures box fucking hands down i don't know the numbers right now i can't spit them the fuck out but what i'm trying to say is natures box go to the box on my page joeydeas.net pressing joey in the fucking natures box box pressing joey get nutritionally approved nutritionist approved healthy snacks mailed right to your goddamn house again i'm trying to fucking save you drama you know i'm the king of no goddamn drama go to natures box pressing joey and get

50 off your first order and get delivered right to your house suggestions the sesame sticks the rice sticks they're everything bagel everything bagel sticks the fucking uh the the chocolate almonds you stick one up your girlfriend's monkey and your fingerbanger it'll pop right out you do that lea i have you put the the almond right up a little patois and you rub that little fucking clip and just pops out in your mouth like a it makes that little noise it goes right in your mouth you little shitty almond who's better than you like you know i'm saying natures box that's who get 50 off cut this shit press the word joey in the box all right and we got nailed to life i love these fucking guys i'm gonna call them today because i gotta get like 10 of these fucking pens

i'm gonna have like a raffle at the next uh church live or something like that and take care of these guys but they got a good product they got the best braver pen in the fucking market i have one around here somewhere i just got to learn how to load it and the whole stuff they usually come down to la to deliver fucking uh those goomies or models those are the strongest goomies on the fucking planet 250 milligrams it don't get no fucking better than how many nettles again lea what do you mean you never stopped yes i did i stopped for like about 30 days no yes i did i stopped in january you want to fucking pay attention you don't pay attention to yonko joey cocksucker that's what it is you're too busy calamarine do a podcast on calamarine you know

yeah it's god fucking the edibles you love them i don't okay i like them i don't like the way you do because every time we go to the freaking ice house you give me one offstage and one onstage and the one offstage or just one of them would have been fine dog you should be one every fucking day okay i'm happy to get the office lee i'm happy you're part of this i'm happy i hung this thing behind me too this is a fucked up picture here i know people could see it right yeah this picture right here is me when i'm 13 years old the calamarine balzano's house in montauk new york that was after anthony died now look at that picture and i get sad because that face is an innocent fucking face i don't even have the lines of my face shit the lines

came the week after my mother died so it's just really weird i look i used to look at that picture every morning and that was when i was just an innocent fucking kid like another picture there and they got a picture of calamarine balzano with all those kids at this house it's a little collage that this girl caked it for me years ago she's got a Cuban flag she got charles court where he used to hang out on and uh it's just she did this for me when i look at steak and egg she don't like steak and eggs this is my house 3515 giving out a terrace it was just a really weird thing she did and i and i had it for years and i would i had it right by the outlaw jose wales picture next week we'll bring a longest yard picture in here i brought a mechanic

poster which lee's gonna hang up this weekend while i'm gone after he moves into his house cock sucker cock sucker and that's it guys i love you thank you very much for being a part of the church i ordered the shirts we should have them up in about two weeks with the cups and the patches i love you guys with all my heart thank you for supporting us on all our venues i'll see half you motherfuckers in boston uh have a great day wash your pussy wash your ass be a fucking man get out there stab a motherfucker lee what's the story everything all right on the flight to boston you should watch hulu plus that's right i am gonna watch hulu plus she got me the the thing she hooked it up last night how'd you know i don't know i just how the fuck did you know lee lee you're a

psychic i love lee i didn't forget about hulu plus i was going to mention hulu plus in time here we're talking about she hooked it up on i finally got the oh yeah what did she get me oh the notebook the notebook and she hooked it all up for me last night we went to my re et and she said it all up for me she hooked up the code for hulu plus she showed me the movies i mean it was fucking i can't wait i'm gonna fly now in style i upgraded already i got the fucking notification this morning on first class i would love to play first class the dog i get you know what i get ripped off on every like some flights i get them and some flights i don't i'm pretty high up with this airline so it's wednesday that's why i did a red eye on wednesday stupid you understand me do you understand how

jonko joey does if you want to leave at seven i'm not gonna get a red eye because a lot more people have the numbers higher than i do they're business people do you follow me so i take an off flight i don't really perform till fucking wednesday thursday nine so what do i give a fuck yeah so i'm gonna get hulu plus they got documentaries on and i got everything go to huluplus.com go to joeydeers.net go to hulu plus box and press and joey joey there you go joey y or just go to huluplus.com but they're gonna give you seven days for free and then it's eight ninety nine a month a seven ninety nine a month i'm giving you two weeks for free you're not gonna get that on the fucking uh webpage so do me a favor right now stop fucking around see we had it on the tv

now my wife showed me how to do in the pad and i'm blowing the fuck away she says people do it on the phone yeah that there's retards that sit there and work on hulu plus i don't care if you want those retards go to hulu plus if you're gonna do it at least use my code that's all i ask of you hulu plus either go to hulu plus pressing the code joey and get you two weeks for free two weeks you can watch whatever the fuck is on there you could binge on shows you could do whatever the how do you binge on shows isn't what you do you get some new york super fun chunk you get a big bag of dope you get a bong you put some ice cubes in that motherfucker you make sure the light is full you get a couple waters some coax and you sit there till your ass fucking grows a tree you

understand me you sit there until you fart on yourself you get peanuts on your shirt and you just keep watching shows they got great shows what are the shows you could binge on they got brooklyn 99 oh yeah you catch up so it's a great way to watch television okay stop fucking kidding yourself get two weeks for free seven ninety nine a month i'm fucking done i don't want to tell you this shit no more i don't want to say this shit no more because you people fucking slip and cock stop you should have done this six months ago all you should have hulu you should have clean faces you should all be fucking healthy show good snacks you should have good fucking snacks you should have a good vaporizer that's how i roll i love you motherfuckers have a great week we'll be back

monday morning march whatever the fuck it is third march third already so get ready to rock we love you have a great week i want to goodbye song you never picked it uh fuck uh i was just gonna play ten crack amendments again go ahead play a little ten crack and then go go to leeside.com for all the podcast i do uh this show another podcast is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and you can binge on all your favorite shows the show is also brought to you by dollshaveclub.com get high quality razors into your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail uh go to dollshaveclub.com slash church that's dollshaveclub.com slash church and now that the show's over

remember to go to naturebox.com in order of great tasting healthy snacks at 50 off snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries support this podcast and get 50 off for your first order go to naturebox.com promo code joey that's naturebox.com promo code joey and like we said nailed it life.com they have all your vaporizers if you smoke uh wax or hash go for it and uh use promo code joey ds no spaces and get 20% off niggas never let them know your next move don't you know bad boys moving silence and violence take it from your eyes uh huh i done squeezed mad clips at these cats for their bricks and chips number three

never trust nobody your mom's a set that ass up properly gassed up who'd eat them ass up for that fast fuck she be laying in the bushes to light that ass up number four know you heard this before never get high on your own supply number five never sell no crack for us that i don't care if they want to ounce tell them bounce number six that god damn credit you think a crackhead paying your back forget it seven this rule is so underrated keep your family and business completely separated money and blood don't mix like two dicks and no bitch find yourself in serious shit number never keep no weight on you don't cast that sweet your guns can hold jumps to number nine should have been number one to me if you ain't getting back stay the fuck for police uh huh if niggas think

you're snitching they ain't trying listen they'll be sitting in your kitchen waiting to start hitting number ten a strong word called consignment strictly for live men not for freshmen uh huh if you ain't got the clientele say hell no because they don't want their money rain sleep hell no follow these rules you have mad bread to break up if not 24 years on the wake up slug hit your temple watch your frame shake up caretaker did your makeup when you pass your girl fuck my man jaco heard it three weeks she sniffed a whole half a cake up heard she suck a good dick and could hook a steak up gotta go gotta go more pasta bake up um

Thank you for watching, and I'll see you in the next one.