Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #155 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

Comedian Matt Fulchiron calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 02/17/2014.

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the church and you get $250 off of already low prices oh shit there you go some Cuban fucking war music this may take you out to the fucking ocean and stab you to death they'd sing this to you first as a reminder are you kidding me or what listen to these cuts angel divine i don't want in my path this motherfucking fatality that's what he's saying and shit somebody's going down today because somebody's got your motherfucking lunch money in their pocket the church of motherfucking what's happening now what oh shit oh shit oh shit here you go motherfuckers march 3rd the day the devil was buried in sea again oh shit lisa yet the flying fucking jew the cuban doing this thing on a monday

killing chickens and shit oh shit get the fucking bad spirits out of the fucking room somebody's going down today what's the story dog breath everything all right cocksucker i would love if you bought a chicken in here like a priest in the corner oh black dude a white thing on his head stabbing chickens whatever the fuck else gets in the way what's happening you beautiful fucking people it's a beautiful day to be alive motherfuckers monday march 3rd you ain't fucking around that's the best fucking thing that's crack a lacky stone to the gill on the vapors lee sciatica some sleep last night got some rest let's start this podcast where it needs to start boston massachusetts i fucking love you i love you for what you stand for i love the people

i hated that fucking republican gentile motherfucker eating pizza at at legal seafood i almost slid his fucking throat some white dude eating fucking pizza at legal seafood at the bar i wanted to slice his fucking throat yeah with his fucking little kid watching that's what you want to teach a kid to eat pizza at this fucking place best number one seafood restaurant in the fucking country he ordered that from the kids menu because i mean i worked there for three years and i'll have that on the regular menu fucking pizza at the bar an adult with a beer i wanted to punch this shit out i gotta fly six hours to get the legal seafood and this fucking mook the mook is fucking eating pizza and his kid was eating seafood that's what pissed me off he was he was

eating shrimp fried fucking shrimp i double took i double fucking took he's like that come on you're embarrassing i don't like seafood well you don't don't fucking come here you fuck i don't like Thai food you don't see me hanging out the Thai place they stayed there you could have at least had stayed i know no no it dog it legal seafood was fucking delicious the Italian joint we went to was fucking delicious the hotel we stayed the western the breakfast was off the i mean boston is just a fucking major major major badass fucking city and they really got it done now yeah you know all that shit uh southy they clean that up oh yeah that does not look like the south the ice wall 10 years ago no that does not look there's a lot of people my age living there now yeah and i heard

it's 400 fucking thousand dollars to get a house there one bedroom house probably yeah that's gonna be and you heard it from your uncle joey that area that's gonna be the next south beach what they did with the water there how they clean it up and it's like a little beach and shit there they just have to figure out that i was looking at it saying this is the jew and me they just the jews are sitting there trying to figure out how they can make money in the winter yeah that's what they're trying to figure out right now do we close it down because jews like why put in the investment in it we're not gonna make we're not gonna get paid 12 months a year so you have to put an outdoor thing an indoor thing like an outdoor boardwalk but that's gonna be fucking beautiful that the city

you know man again you know all you hear about the economy bad people not working people dying but then you go to a state like that and it's moving and grooving you know it's moving and grooving and the yuppies are taking over whatever they're getting gentrified hey man that's that's you know since the cave man you got four rocks i got one rock you know i got to go bitches besides that the shows were great the agustino was great the club the people who came i got to meet lady j you know i got to meet a lot of people lady j was just a fucking sweetheart to meet oh that's great miss the dish was there wasn't she miss the dish my my girl from kinetic it was there i mean there was just so many fucking cool people and uh it's not stand up anymore for me

it's not going on the road i don't stand up and that's what makes this even the better i used to fucking have a problem with going out and staying out i don't have a problem no more i don't have a problem with talking to people afterwards you know uh the club really didn't want me to go out we sold out a couple of shows so you had to go in and go out the same door so i couldn't go out right away i would cause a jam you know i talked to a lot of people and i shook a lot of hands i took to some Puerto Ricans i talked to some boston mother fucking black people who were fucking great black superman you know there was a black superman came all the way from doorchester yeah yeah just just it's just that's a terrible thing look at me flying jeep

and fucking racial funnies on a monday morning cocksucker but it was just uh in this week i'm going to jersey you know i'm going to stress factory but i like doing this again and it's not about the jokes anymore it's about going out and seeing the people and uh just you know you you see these cool people on on twitter and facebook and i've said it a thousand times and i was very wrong at first when people were trying to turn me on to facebook in fact this is joe rogan podcast where i just go off like three years ago you got no real friends on facebook i was fucking wrong because you people fucking uh you know you give me the utmost support so when i go to these towns it's great when you come up to me tell me your your fucking name you know your your

twitter handle or something it just i just stop because i connect everything and i could see how cool you are like i wasn't wrong i wasn't wrong answering you back on twitter you know my assumption was right something about your name and your energy and what you said to me and how we went back and forth so this isn't about stand-up no more this is about something really fucking special so i'm happy just to be a part of it i'm happy that they're a part of it yeah that's it man you know what's up with you cocksucker what'd you do all weekend i had you picked up momma on friday you gave her a stab at your mama yeah that's it we sat there we were gonna go to malibu but it was fucking it was fucking the sky came down here no it didn't it was drizzling but people were freaking

out friday night was horrible here my friend's building got hit by lightning it shattered her window jesus my uncle on weston boulevard said he thought the roof was gonna come down it wasn't fucking drizzling well it wasn't fucking drizzling maybe maybe maybe my area wasn't that bad like it was bad it was bad something you know what that is it broke her windows did it really yeah jody ferdy she was holding a bottle of fucking vodka and it hit the fucking bottle and she got a bruise maybe i didn't maybe i didn't see it but just driving around that ass you filthy mother you know where i went this for the first time and probably the only time this weekend where we went because it was late and there was nothing else we went to bob his big boy for the first time how was it

yeah not bob's big boy is umami burger right oh no no it's across the street big boy is for gentiles did you not see that they have cars there on friday and the cheeseburgers are done perfectly and the cheese is cut burger did you not see that not a bad breakfast but it's not known because of the cuisine what did you eat cheeseburger whatever they're known for like the big boy whatever what do you think it's okay but everyone in LA talks about it like it's amazing they also talk about it in our burgers you know they tell you know you know it's it's listen bro they they blow up shit it's not like the food i fucking ate this weekend in boss no you went to my favorite restaurant i had a bad hamburger and it was better than what i get here you know why because they

served real fucking steak fries oh yeah you could taste the fucking Idaho potato and the fucking french fry you know uh and i and i watched my weight i didn't go to root one i didn't go to next any chinese food you know at that fucking law listen i had so many goddamn steamers the steamers were so delicious they had the tail on them it was like fucking sea urchin rats i can't do those we had two bowls of steamers i had a dozen fucking cherry cherry stones cherry stones we had the fucking my friend ordered the muscles but i had curry and i want to hit him in the fucking head with the dish i could smell it what happened it has curry in their fucking muscles oh i can't stand that shit with coconut milk like i'm on some fucking island and then uh but we

had the lobster tail the big one the agostino i had the stuffed lobster tail i just had the lobster tail and it was uh you could taste the japanese radiation i loved it but who gives a fuck listen everything you eat now but at least you're trying i had some salmon it was delicious it was just a great weekend man it really really was and i got to see a you know last night i got i watched the last 15 minutes of the oscars i forgot they were even on yeah i was with my daughter last night we gave her a bat and then i went in the room did you watch it yeah yeah i know you watch i went in the room and watched and did the emails and i fucking tried to write down some jokes i remember from the weekend and stuff and finally i popped out there and it's the oscars and

it was 20 tonight and i watched uh who did i watch i watched the kid from texas who i like for dalas buyer's club the skinny guy win yeah i saw plate bench did you see that movie dalas buyer's club yeah how was it fucking good okay now if you see that cape blank chat win which i don't think she should have won and then 12 years a slave on the movie right which was the best fucking movie but it was just weird like this morning i got up and i got up at four and i was i went on yahoo yahoo opens up the page and they're all taking pictures and it's 12 fake fucking people i'm surprised the fucking people even came up in the picture they're so fucking fake or you should see it's like a cloud of smoke in the devil's tail yeah like they sold their fucking soul but it's so weird

how this weekend in boston the first night i was there i hooked up with an old dear friend of mine his name was danie kelly okay and people always ask me what you know like oh wait i always get emails about being a comic in la and what's the differences and i hate talking about comedy but guys i'm a comedian and when i talk about this shit i want you to apply it to your job or apply it to your world or maybe there's some way but danie kelly was my room and i was really broke and danie kelly and his girlfriend it broke up they lived over on um sunset and uh by uh right before one of those fucking big streets highland the labray or some nice little apartment jacuzzi downstairs okay i brought a chick over there one night with a wig it was pretty tremendous and uh

you know i stayed with him and in the meantime there was a guy named scott day he was a talent coordinator he was a really cool guy he was a drunk and people knew it i loved him i loved him dearly he helped me a lot with my comedy he made calls for me he was a real talent coordinator he was a friend of louis anderson's and he made him a talent coordinator at the store well one day he went off the deep end danie kelly was the phone guy and danie kelly got made the talent coordinator which is just it's mind boggling it's like if it's like so what did the talent coordinator do talent coordinator sets the schedules and he's the one that talks to mitzzi he sees who calls and he sets the showcases he went from the phone guy to like manager yeah he went

to the phone guy to like talent manager dealing with fucking agents dealing with publicists dealing with fucking egos yeah he went fucking dealing with you know just everybody so uh it was weird because when you have that position you also become very vulnerable to these fucking vampires that live in this town uh it's really weird you've you've observed the vampires you've seen them and i've said to you luckily watch this vampire watch yeah and you've learned and you said wow and it hurts your feelings it hurts people that people like that obviously walk around you know and they show up congratulating you but they're always looking for something there's always uh wait for the clouds part to show you the true colors of the sky type deal i love that at the ice house that one

time with like i came i told you it's amazing and you see these vampires you know i work hard for what i fucking get yeah i work fucking hard but there's people who think they could come here with a smile bullshit their way and at the end you don't get anything at the end you don't get anything so your mother's well i've done the fucking work it's like when you do math in grammar school remember the teacher says show the work yeah and you just write the answers and you can't show the work that's the way it is in comedy and in life you gotta show the fucking work okay i don't give a fuck what you think you might get away with it three or four times but trust me when that when that fucking when the whip comes down it's gonna come down all right and you're gonna go fuck you

know i should have done the fucking work so i'm not saying Danny didn't do the work Danny was young man and i would have got caught up in that position also that's a position of power in this town because now people shake your hand they call you Danny they light your cigarettes your jokes are funny you know everybody fucking wants to hang out with you and Danny was also an inspiring comic yeah you know not the funniest fucking guy in the world but he got some labs you know he was starting out he had started out in Boston we were both starting out together so i can't really judge him i would never do something like that he becomes a talent coordinator and he had a calendar like you have a calendar of your dates like i'm here thursday i'm here friday dog his mother

fucking calendar was booked if the room paid people fifty dollars yeah it paid him 150 he was becoming rich being the talent coordinator in comedy he was out seven nights a week doing comedy he was showcasing for people but there was always a by the way yeah i don't know how long it lasted it lasted maybe six seven eight months he was rocking and rolling and then one day he went on a monday it was typical mitzi show he got down on monday and his shit was in a bag on the fucking desk for any reason no no no yeah just they got five some chick was in there already with her shit all over the office i mean this is this is i like nobody tells you nothing there's a there was a show on years ago vibe when you were a kid had to be 15 years ago so you don't even remember

it was it's uh with uh i forget the kid's name he's still around he was hosting the show you know he found out he got fired yeah when he got in this car he started the car that was on the radio he was driving to his fucking job but welcome to los angeles where nobody could look in the eye and nobody could be a fucking man in this town there's no fucking men all those people you see a fucking manly holograms trust me i'm telling them men holograms with fucking pussies okay they just come off as men because they have to but they're pussies that's how he found that so he get danny kelly get first off he goes downstairs the fucking transmission's gone but the car blows up i don't know what happened so he has to walk to work he walks into work and there's a bag with

his shit in it no firing no let me talk to you in the office there's a bag that's mitzi sure god knows what he did or what reason she didn't want him there or he now she made a waitress the talent coordinator which i loved cori quomo also i have nothing against cori quomo she ended up marrying freddy soto a funny comedian who ended up passing but she has a child with freddy she's still around so danny kelly gets his gig you know i could see it i see people this guy's got gigs in the Irvine you know here i am fighting for my life and this guy's going all over the fucking city of LA doing gigs showcasing for this guy people to call him the house and he's a sweet guy you know danny kelly he's a sweet guy so he gets his bag he fucking walks home okay i never

forget i seen him at the house and i go bro are you okay and he's like yeah fucking mitzi i go what was the reason he didn't tell me i go what are you gonna do he goes it really doesn't matter because look he opens up his notebook because look at all this fucking work i had he goes so i'll figure it out like fucking two months you know mm-hmm so already that day there were rumblings going around town but this is how quick this town changes like he was the funniest guy at the improv on monday nights like as soon as he walked in it's monday night is black night at the improv but as soon as he walked in he was the fucking president of globetrotters they all the black people be hugging them and kissing them buying them fucking you know buying them fucking cocktails

and you know those brothers don't buy nobody a fucking cocktail they will hug them and give them drink tickets and they will let them go up fifth like an 825 and if he ran the light two minutes he was danny kelly there was no fucking problem he was a talent coordinator at the county store that night it was completely different i went down there with him not expecting it to go that fast but this is this town this is what this town does to people yeah but he walked in all those black people that would jump up and down and high-five them they looked the other way remember him and him and i had to bar a couple people came over say what's up but the same black people that would come over and some of the white people that would come over

it was freaky monday and it was the best room in LA on monday nights they would put up white acts and then about 835 david tell will go up a pablo francisco okay so it'd be like danny kelly josh wolf me david tell it would be doug stanhope david tell pablo and then it would just turn black after that about eight nine o'clock that's when the brothers are coming it was a great show chris tucker dl hugley it was all it was fucking amazing guys wow when you did a spot down there you got a business card this is 1997 you got a fucking business card he gets on stage is monday night and it was a six minute spot okay dog at the five minute spot they gave him a light at the six minute fucking spot guess what they did what the lights went out during his set

the fucking lights and the power went out like they put the fucking power he stood up there and the fucking guy came up with a with a with a flashlight the comic came up with a flashlight to get the thing i mean it was just horrible but you got the bad luck he had on him already oh my god and then he got home and every morning he'd get up and he'd have three new messages that gig april 15 got canceled that gig april whatever got came all those people that were loving on him every morning three gigs were canceled i remember the week like a week later waking up and he was sitting on the couch laying back like his life was over he had lost all the gigs he had lost but he what he had lost was the same thing i lost looking at him i lost faith in

these motherfucking comedians i look because then you become and it just wasn't comedians it was the actors and the agents you you realize they're all a bunch of fucking vampires yeah that's what i realized at that point that was one of the biggest lessons i had i i had learned at that time you know i had learned at that time was that all these people around you that you see jumping up and down there they just jump from people to fucking people you know i'm in being on the road with joe rogan and having people come up to him going man fuck yeah fucking carlos fuck him and then two weeks later i'd be coming through town and carlos was there and i'd see the same people like carlos going fuck joe rogan he's a fucking pussy with a camera so you understand me it was uh

it was a really weird thing to see and it was a lesson he ended up leaving two months later wow that was like guys it was that and it wasn't about the talent it wasn't about the work it was about that he had lost the people he had nobody in his corner you're out here by yourself but he uh he just it was just horrible to see was he on the shows this weekend or was he just back in Boston no he tried to get on you know danny went to boston and uh he tried to put the pieces back together and he worked hard and then he had uh he got a little sick his health and now he's back he's working full time he's engaged so you know i know he's listening i give him all the love in the world i really like danny a lot but uh no it's crazy yeah and and all the fucking like friends

it was weird how he said to me the other night at the dinner table he goes you know i always told people i learned a lot from you don't tell me with you and i told him i learned and i didn't want to ever tell him the story and i didn't want i wouldn't say the story on the podcast if i didn't tell him first i told him the same story i'm telling you people i learned the nature of the beast and thank god i learned that because that was 1998 it made me a fucking animal after that because i realized that these people were worse criminals than the people i came up with when you when you were a criminal you have pieces of shit around you but you also have people that are very fucking loyal and super loyal because they know and unity is strength these motherfuckers have never

learned that lesson they all want to be nobody wants to be in the fantastic four they all want to be solo and their pussy's on their own where i came from if you had an insecurity and you knew you teamed up with somebody else even if you gave them 10 points or you gave them support you gave them love something where he could stash out to it because in unity there's strength i'm with you you're with me in there with us not these motherfuckers but that that that little thing taught me so much to see the real nature of these fucking cunts and i'm sorry i said the word cunts but that's exactly what they are so yeah you you live in your fucking learning and i thank daddy kelly i'm happy that happened to him but i'm thankful that i got to see it i got to see it in front of

my eyes and there's a fact and after that it made everything a lot clearer you know it took my perception of this town to the next fucking level sometimes something uh uh something takes you to the next level that that's discomfort or it's it's it's it's not something you want to do that took me to the next level that put me back in my prison mentality like when i came here i came here in my white mode mentality i tried to be a civilian i tried to be a nice person but the more and more by 2000 i was already a savage by 2000 i threw that fuck and that's when i had already told my ex-wife to go fuck herself that's when i told the fucking kid to go fuck herself that's when i told everybody to go fuck ourselves and these were the different situations that made me a fucking animal

that i knew that from now on i had to play for keeps out here yeah i didn't have time to fuck around and go to talk to people ha ha ha oh my god he's so funny you know what do you think i should do with my career well joey no fuck you i'm taking control this motherfucker so if you're listening out there sometimes you got to see what these motherfuckers are really about you know like i tell people know the animal you deal with at all fucking times know the jungle you're in know the neighborhood you're in know the trees you live in because these fucking people are just animals out here and they have no that was uh that was just deeply and i didn't explain that enough to people to for them to understand but that was just a a deep thing how fast people

kick you to the fucking side in this town oh yeah and some people for him i knew he handled it well he's from boston he's a tough guy but it was uh tough to see but the fuck lee what are you staring at cock sucker you're looking at me like i owe you 20 bucks where's the music where's the i want to be around slay cock sucker something out of respect this vapor pen is killing the motherfucker i still got to get my nailed it life guys to send me one i got to call him i want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks young huh there's a fucking song you know that i found out the history of this song tremendous people blowing clouds i got a protein shaking me a little fucking

hemp force with some glutamine who's better than uncle joey a banana or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do is a brand new tube i got from no organica sir who'll leave you to learn it's headband it's a satira you don't want to do this gumi with me cocksucker and i can't today little peace i got a monday on another good t-shirt guy it's an eight-mile drive i do know it's been eight months i've been trying to get these shirts done really interesting i talked to my friend miguel my family's friend miguel down in miami over the weekend i check him when i'm gonna call him he's like 68 69 so i call him time to time

i say hello and he was uh he said that he was thinking about my out of blue out of fucking blue we're talking you know i check on him for him not because i anything else when he goes hey it's funny you called i was thinking about your mom this morning what's that stupid fucking song she used to play and i started laughing i want to be around by tony bellich because that's right that's right she goes you know why that she really liked that song so much i go yeah something about the the the fucking my father fell in love with the song he sang it to my mom all the time after she died he always got emotional she goes that's bullshit she goes your father used to sing it to you he goes look it up i think that song came out the day you were born oh is it really what are you

talking about he goes yeah it was on the radio and your dad heard it but he goes check it out so i'm like i don't think so i think this song is like 1968 it could be 1970 i don't fucking know sure enough i repeat it came out february 18 1963 wow so uh it's weird that he died and this is the song he always sang to me you know he played for me or whatever i want to be around so that's why i've always believed that he always watched me not because of the song or watched over me not watch me yeah that's really cool yeah i just found out this fucking weekend by mistake just for calling somebody and saying hello cuckucker you know what i'm saying wow and i tell you what man i mean i mean it must be more now i mean it would always matter a lot because your mom but i mean you didn't

your dad you hadn't seen him since you were two right three three yeah and uh i never met my dad i don't remember me you know i just uh and and now in hindsight when i do my own psychotherapy in my own psychology that's what it fucked me up early on that was the real uh shock i had was the death i don't think that we feel death after when somebody's young oh yeah when somebody dies and with four or five and we really don't remember we really can't focus on it on what's death but uh not seeing the person i think is the ptsd part of it that's the shock that i i never thought that everything in our life really affects you somewhere along the line later on but it really does and over the years i realized that my first uh insecurity all that was created by my father

just disappearing one day not coming back because my mom said something to me pretty funny one day she said not funny but she goes you know after your dad died for about two or three years every time the door opened you looked at the door yeah because she thought it was him that's gotta be shocking for you that somebody's not there it's like a big disappointment for you and i saw pictures of him you know and and whatever and i think about him at times and sometimes before i go on stage i ask him for love or warmth or whatever you know i i don't know why i've always felt that he's watched over me i was i had that instilled in my head and i i'm sure there's a lot of people at your parents tell your grandparents looking over your your grandfather's looking over you or something

you know so now i know your parents were into they weren't bad people but they were into like numbers and they did stuff like that and do you ever think i mean it's pointless to think about it but i mean you must have thought about it like where do you think you would have ended up if your mom and your dad had had like let's say they were still alive and and like how how do you think your life would have gone i don't know i've never really gave that much thought really what would have happened if my dad would have lived i know if my mom would have lived i would have been a softer man i would have been a i would have had a life safety net you know there's people that want to safety net and there's people that can't get can't wait to get away from the nest you know i

have a friend that's young he's your age and every time i talk to him he'll tell me about his plans but then he'll go i gotta work my mother over to get the money from her you know because he's always without a job he's a young kid you know that means he's still attached to that nest there's still no fucking he's he doesn't live at the house with his mother no more but she still pays for his school i can see parents paying for the school but you're paying for your own apartment your car payment your food you know i'm saying they they they feel obliged and uh that's the only thing i think that really changed my life to be fucking more aggressive was that the safety net of even having a family was removed yeah that you can't spend the night somewhere

that that knowing that that's that was fucked up for me for years knowing that there's no safety net you know i just finished a chapter in the book of the night that made me leave the night that i always knew i had money in my pocket finally after six or seven months of sleeping on george's floor i finally had money in my pocket and i had a chance to leave and get the fuck out of there now i wanted to start fucking around i wasn't doing blow i wanted to start fucking around and i made i put a date to leave and there was a night before and i was like maybe i won't leave maybe i'll stay a month maybe i'll go back to colorado in september and all of a sudden i bumped into that cop julio who called the podcast who said he was working for my father

and i bumped into a girl outside that said somebody else had seen me robbing the house and i remember uh you know getting in the car the next day and going to the airport and seeing the guy that was my godfather that was hunting and he was hunting me down for like three or four thousand dollars i don't know who the fuck knows who remembers but uh who's ain't fucking talking about you know what the fuck i'm talking about what the fuck you looking at me for a week about going back to colorado and and uh you know but not have not relying on your parents not relying on you know we always have like this safety net i never had that safety net so it made me play for keeps at an early age yeah some people play for keeps not till their 30 not till they're really

released from the house you know yeah playing for keeps at an early age gives you a young edge but then again i always played for keeps i don't know why yesterday on the plane i got upgraded to first class on american that's why i fly berg christ show he says fly the same people they'll upgrade you all the time and they really fucking do and this was the first uh first class i had been on that i went to the bathroom they had mints in there and they had a flower and they put like little things in there and i was like wow and i left that told i sat down first and i was a little high i had a cheapo chew some kid gave me a pot cookie i had some good edibles in boston too some guy made a smore scrunch that fucked me up well they just made it legal for marigold there oh my god i had

some good fucking edibles up there so i'm sitting there i was thinking about a time i was flying to puerto rico with one and my mom i must have been six maybe seven young fucking kid and i was already into the house so i already knew i was already selling glue to sticky charlie on 148th street you know i would try to clean people's shoes at the bar i would play congas for money for a dollar i was always trying to bang a dollar out of somebody yeah and i went to the bathroom to pee and i saw that in those days they used to have colognes and shampoos and hand creams on first class in the bathroom you could just either sample one or take it i saw that and i go oh my god i could take those and sell those on the fucking street so i went back to my seat and i got the

puke bag yeah and i went back into the bathroom i put cologne on and i took all the little perfumes and put them in the puke bag and walked out of it with them in my jacket only the one i opened i left open so it dripped in the fucking puke bag so we're walking off the plane when the terminal pulled a rico and walking down the fucking terminal and all of a sudden the bag breaks and all those bottles fall at the floor and they all break and my mom and step dad look at me and they just walk away from me they just walked the fuck away from me especially my mom she was like are you fucking she just walked and i kept running to her going mommy mommy she's like don't know fucking mommy's here fuck you you're fucking retarded what is wrong with you and i remember her getting outside

and smacking me and going what the fuck is what were you gonna do with these things and i told i said was i selling for a dollar piece and then i could see the look on her face that she was mad but she wasn't mad anymore yeah and she's like i get it you're a fucking wheel of dealer okay you know it's in your blood what do you want me to do you know she giggled and she laughed but that shit was always me yeah that's who i was at that age you know i just always had that movement in me yeah i was there i had a i put a sign up at the end of my driveway and i had a lease weeding i had an idea that if someone wanted to search something on the search something on the internet i'd print it out for him for a dollar and that was one of the things uh that i was i was grateful

for um when i was 16 my dad gave me a credit card it wasn't his credit card it was my credit card and he said you can have this but the first month you can't pay your bill i'm taking it away because i like i pay my bill every month i bought i bought my own my only i've always bought a car my parents never bought me a car i've never taken they helped me out with the college loans like that was part of a deal like we split it but i always i never take money i've never taken money from them for rent and it uh it's just a pride yeah it's a pride thing at some point i would feel i'd feel bad doing it especially because i know now they can't do it before they probably could but it and it also it'll get it makes me feel like i could handle it more like i i know there's

some people who have to take it so i'm not saying you're a bad person if you do take it but i have always been proud of it's always been something i've been proud of that i've never had to call home ask for money for rent that month or it's uh even when i probably should have it was it it's always been a sense of pride for me that i haven't had to do it oh it's a sense of pride just doing something for yourself yeah like that guys i'm not gonna lie to you i i i love to but up to the time i was 27 i got arrested i slept on people's couches i was a fucking mooch i was a fucking mooch i'm not gonna lie to nobody and tell you i wasn't my whole life was blow and going out and you know and and i would if glee said to me go you could stay here on the couch and help out

i would stay on the couch i'd clean i'd never give lee a dollar in those days if i brought lee a grandma blown we did three lines that was helping him out you know i didn't know anything about that i was a fucking mooch i didn't know and i always did you know this thing i'm writing was about the the money i owe you know i was just a piece of shit i was just a piece you know and there was a few that i didn't burn but for the most part i burned everybody you know i i didn't burn the people who i knew loved me the lubeses and the georgias but if i had a doubt with you in those days shit just a doubt just a doubt if somebody came to me and said bro i went to a bar and i didn't talk and shit i'd wait till you started selling coke i'd fucking nail you

boy yeah i'd pay you the first time i'd set you up why not but in hindsight in retrospect you know and now i think about how much of a piece of shit i was i mean i didn't have one person looking for me or two people looking for me i had 40 people looking for me lady you know i had to be stressful i had 40 people looking for me yeah now that i did the notes and did the thing in the chapters and i'm writing and i'm really writing the people out i didn't write all 40 people but at that time i couldn't go nowhere you know how bad it is to live like that you know and then every other day but every other day would bump into a grape every other day i'd bump into somebody who was getting started and selling coke and i'd work them all over and then you had them in between you have

like six people that were starting to sell coke and it was just uh and it's just beautiful to see that people that vulnerable that i was that wrong i couldn't fucking believe it even people who got worn like hey man don't fuck with him they would fuck with me oh no i got an alarm system what what i'm not an alarm system that's 10 minutes till the cops get there and even adt i know where your shit is you got a safety where you think i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking open the safe i'm taking that motherfucker to go we'll open that shit later oh what's up lisa yeah you bad motherfucker i'm feeling good today i'm back on the fucking on it

the alpha brains because i give it a break from time to time so i don't get fired up at least still haven't drank soda you know the only soda i was drinking for a month was when i do the podcast with you at the old office oh really okay that's it still no soda my wife was at something because you know there's still the sodas i don't want to drink out of a can when my daughter's getting able to see what the fuck's going on really soda was a big part of my life man from day for you know soda and bubble gum you know i used to swallow gum i still swallow fucking gum really yeah i'll swallow why packs i don't know i don't know i don't fucking know why i just swallow gum like a motherfucker when i was a kid i'd buy 10 packs of gum and swallow

every fucking piece my mother was sometimes i find like gum in my ass but not a lot it disintegrates i don't know where the fuck it goes sometimes i'll find a little piece i could sticky like the residue of the of the gum oh yeah and i drank soda because my mother had the bar i drank bottles of fucking soda bottles of soda that had to throw my fucking sugary thing off at an early age that's why these kids are fat because they're getting bombarded with sugar at the age of five bombarded doesn't take a fucking genius to see that this is what the fuck's going on this is why kids are walking around they're six and they look like me they're fucking fat little fucks and that's i don't want to drink soda in front of i don't want to put a can to my lips so i told my wife listen

eliminate those sodas because once she starts getting all this green tea teas juices you know that's one thing that you could i didn't do it guys i didn't do it i'm not gonna i started drinking fucking water eight years ago i didn't drink water before that i'm not gonna lie to nobody and tell you i drank water only once you know i used to drink water when you work out at the end of chinese food yeah you know like the brown glass that white glass that they give you the water is always good at chinese restaurant after you eat like szechuan beef or something you drink the soda you relax you eat some more noodles to get salty and then i drink a big glass of water but besides that guys i never drank water and what a fucking mistake it is water will keep you the fuck alive

i just can't fucking believe it i'm trying it's hard because like the the caffeine in the taste but it's uh but i didn't like it in the morning because i don't like that hit in my stomach yeah but doce made a great point he's like it kicks up in your metabolism and washes down the can the toxins and so you know what now i'm used to it when i get up in the morning i have a glass of coffee and right after i have water and then i start from green tea when i get home that's green teeter is the fucking name in water i'm trying guys it makes your skin look better i got these holes in my fucking head you know you gotta help out i'm not looking at a little curl you got going do that i didn't do that i just imagine you in front of the mirror like

and fucking superman you know i'm done the fuck is wrong with you you know i'm not a man i got no time to be sitting there fucking putting dupe to do on my head i just gotta put that faggy shit in there to calm it down because it might look like fucking one of those jews with the jew fro i got a jew fro baby i love my world is a spick fro meets a jew fro what's the fucking jew fro constructor i have no hair i'm no hair how would you i wasn't i never had the poofy hair but it's not hair it's what you do with that fucking head you got a nice head i wish i had your little fucking head i would dope that motherfucker up to what i would cut the sideburns pointy pointy like barnabas collins with like a fucking thing

at the end of the year a handsome guy i shaved this fucking jew bush over here and i just lead the goat to you leigh oh no you wouldn't be 25 goat he's always so creepy sometimes i see hair on your neck it's growing under your ear it goes everywhere with the top of my head it's terrible you gotta fucking shave that you gotta get i do but i don't know what you i thought you ran with dollar shave club i do shave club is fucking tremendous let's talk about this shit right now before i got a minute because i got like six people dollar shave club is the fucking real deal that's what the fucking menus i am sold on dollar shave club i have no other raises in my house it's what i travel it's what's in my fucking travel bag it's what's in my fucking house

i've got cartridges fucking everywhere because the blades are so good you don't go through them once a week unless you you're built like fucking league you got the face of your werewolves fucking nephew go to dollarshaveclub.com and pick one of the packages one dollar six dollars and nine dollars you can't fucking lose i don't know what the breakdown is on them but you cannot lose they also have the the the the the fucking uh what do you call it the the one wipe charlies the one wipe charlies i take those on the road sometimes just as a quick clean your muffle you gotta because you get that little of those uh barnacles that settle around your little asshole and you gotta just pop them out sometimes you can stick that one one fucking wipe charlie with

your finger up in that motherfucker you hit like using an old pencil sharpener oh yeah it feels good on the on it does i mean in front too i don't know i i don't know why i'm shy by saying it feels good on the balls too especially after like a long day it's cold yeah it's cold but you don't like taking showers you think that you could do just wipe your balls no no no no i take a shower but you can't you sometimes you can't take a shower in the middle of the day you're running around i have two three podcasts i'll go home do one wipe charlie on the ball seals great no no no right that warm up charlie and the balls it's two minutes you're gonna take a shower in two minutes and put some real water into that motherfucker and scoop those fucking nuts up i got nothing

against one wipe charlies but when it comes to your nuts you gotta keep those motherfuckers refreshed you taking multiple showers a day sure because one wipe charlie what's that doing that's putting peppermint on fucking sweat you ever smell somebody who puts fucking soap on new shirt on sweat yesterday the cat driver on the way to the fucking airport i'm sure he was fucking filthy he wasn't dirty but i could smell sweat and he put his clothes over that's it that it's like the guy at the fucking at the mall up here sherman ox the cologne guy that guy hasn't put cologne on his whole life i could smell the onions coming from the fucking booth he's some fucking arabian or something giving away free samples of cologne he should wipe him on his own

fucking neck he smells fucking horrible i i wish i was trying to be funny bro go to sherman oak's fucking gallery that's name of it yeah go buy the fucking chocolate thing there's a there's a coffee bean there's cologne stand walk towards that cologne stand tell me what you smell it ain't fucking cologne it's like a hot dogs it smells like fucking onions and peppers that motherfucker then you know he sells cologne but he don't wear fucking cologne the guy i took a whiff of that motherfucker yesterday he was booting from the 50-yard line he was stinking up a storm yesterday you know what time it is it's fucking goomy time cocksucker go for it go we're a treat we're a double i can't i gotta go to that i can't i can't do anything a little piece ain't gonna kill you

yes it is i got it's good good little blood what'd you do you didn't move around this way you did nothing i did you didn't get an umbrella you didn't fucking walk with your girl from walking around we didn't know i know we did actually where'd you go i loved i loved my new place because it you can walk you can walk i'm like half a mile from ventura boulevard there's a sandwich place on the corner there's an italian place in the corner what's the italian place pagliacci's um i love it i love i that's why i moved there i love being a walker it's a little piece look that's a quarter dude that's a little piece right now keep that away from me i'll do it i'll do a Tuesday night no it's no tuesday night i'm not doing that today today's the day there you go

you gotta wake up cocksucker you're a little more today i'm not what you're more today yeah there's a little it's a corner stop crying that that won't even do nothing you'll be you won't even be high by the time you leave here cocksucker it's gonna go me it's a good one today it's right it's a fish come on dammit it's red i respect for the red socks yeah i take care of you we nobody takes care of you like me motherfucker what are you ha what are you ha it's monday everyone's day i'm the 405 it's fucking monday it's fucking monday if you're not gonna get up and have the attitude that you're gonna kill somebody you're gonna get fucking eating up a live out there people ain't fucking around no more people

out of work people selling weed it's bad out there it's snowing people banging their fucking car so if you ain't awake and you ain't making it happen today it's gonna be a long fucking day for you today i got a hell of a fucking day today lately i'm doing everything i gotta go to hollywood i got a fucking voice over's i'm gonna go to kettlebell jen did you do that class the voice over class no because i was gone three of the fucking thoughts okay you know i'm gone this Wednesday i was gone last Wednesday i'm gone next Wednesday so the class was only two fucking wednesdays there's 459 fucking dollars she kept trying to call me i'm like i can't do the last three classes i thought she would prorate it that bitch didn't want to prorate she's like no you're

still gonna pay 450 i can't pay 459 for two classes like well i'll give you the other written stuff i want to do it i want to live it but i went to an audition last week in hollywood and i saw a sign for a different voice over place to have classes and then our classes their workshops it's a two three hour workshop yeah i mean i got a good voice i've i've used it from stand-up now i just got to learn how to put the acting into the voice i don't know how to connect uh the acting into the voice that's the the the whole transition you know i've been trying to watch cartoons to learn i tried to watch uh cloudy with chances of meatballs whatever the fuck it is and i watched captain how was that i enjoyed it you know i forgot about how good tom hanks was he's pretty great

tom hanks uh is in two or three of my all-time favorite movies and i got pissed at tom hanks as he cried on the Oscars that year when he won for philadelphia i didn't like that shit i banned him for like four years i've never watched it i've never watched the one with when he played the retarded soldier oh i've never watched that shit because he's still on boycott he's still on boycott because he is he's on boycott because philadelphia was a great movie he was great with denzel washington he's great and fucking big he's in one of my all-time favorite movies mother fucking splashed that's one of my all-time favorite movies again another tank opposite my idol john candy he's in punchline but he broke down stand-up comedy this is a picture him as a young comic at the comedy

store really yeah he did comedy yes he used to do stand-up comedy jesus they are all the greats did because you gotta test that fucking thing it's like jumping out of a plane one time you ever jump i know i'd love to though that's the problem we're gonna go jump out of a plane i would totally do that you wouldn't fucking do it you know i love crying holding on to me begging me that you eat any amount of edibles and shit i know i thought i thought i would achieve what i was when i was young you know when they when you can skydive but you can attach like a little surfboard to your skateboard to your feet i thought that was the coolest thing in the world i would totally do that we'll be gonna silver surf around the world yeah no no but they have it

you can do like flips oh that's you know like the coolest thing in the world to me i don't know what it's called and i don't even know if they still do it but i've never snowboarded or anything like that i i i lived out of colorado and snowboarding got popular i got good on skis but i never got good on snowboard as far as the skateboard i don't like hitting concrete though that's not my one of my favorite things riding a skateboard is fucking hard oh i can't i can't skateboard on i could skateboard i just don't like i do one push and i'm done and i'm not doing no loopy loops off a wall i'm not making skateboards fly out of my from under my feet i'm scared of all that shit all i want to do is get from point A to point B was down the hill that's the other

reason why i don't like skateboards because now i gotta carry the fucking skateboard up the fucking hill fuck you that's no fun yeah going down it everybody wants to do man i gotta pay somebody to carry it up for you carry you up the fucking hill i love it i don't like that shit i like skiing i didn't like oh hell of a shit what's going on with this weekly you got podcast you got jerry rocha got jerry rocha got uh rick rhombos tomorrow i got josh wolf what's rick rhombos covering this week i think we're gonna do uh quentin tarantino since we had to postpone it for uh herald graymond's last week you're a big quentin tarantino guy i am and i understand a lot of people dislike him because he he they say he steals from other movies what he does

i mean he don't you know this for like me i mean i've never saw him stealing i saw him get inspired by other movies they have they have tv shows where they like show one scene from this asian movie then they show reservoir dogs and how it's how it looks the same and i understand them but they they have a they have a category in the oscars adapted screenplay when that means that you adapted it from a different a different story and yes i was a lot of some of his stuff has been adapted and it's very similar but i one thing i love about about it is i love good writing so even if you stole some of the main plot points i you can tell when you're watching a quentin tarantino movie the writing he has a very very unique writing style i enjoy it he had the same

editor up until a few years ago when she passed away i like i like seeing that so i i really like his movies i watched jackie brown and i didn't i that's one i didn't enjoy why didn't you like jackie brown what was the problem it was it was too oh sorry hold on one second this could be the man of steel trying to call on the fucking show you know so let's see if this is having shit i got skype up right now excuse me people we don't know what the fuck's going on today with our guest yo all right brother i'm here waiting bye i made man matt full trans calling me was on karsten daily last week i taped it but i didn't watch it i was gonna watch it last night and i was fucking tiredly yeah i got good sleep in boston to see food to sleep to air so you're really

you're very good with movies also lii i see that you're uh you're a student of the game and a lot of aspects i am and i love it and i would have loved to have work on movies it's just it's even harder to get into than tv um but while we're waiting for quickly first call i just it was too slow for me and i it was too predictable i like i like the twist and turns and turn to those movies here we go uh matt motherfucking full tron yeah oh what's up with you buddy what the fuck you've been at talk to me i've been around i've been around the country rocking mics i've been in l.a. in february i've been missing lii the flying judo i'll tell you that i missed you buddy i went and saw sickler on on uh saturday night because i saw you on the bill but you

weren't there on the first show they put me in the main room for some reason do you know because you're a fucking savage you had karsten daily last week you're making moves look at you you're like tony montana you're making moves without frank lopez now look at you i'm it's getting dangerous good for you i need to be careful how did you get karsten daily how'd that go about uh karsten daily they just called me out of the blue and it's a really cool show to do because all you do is go to the ice house and tape a 10 minute set they don't even care what you do and then they just cut it down to two and a half and uh do a little interview it's a fucking piece of cake man it's the way to do tv i wish all shows were like that well congratulations man you know i'm

always proud of you when i saw that you posted i said look at one of the fucking dogs making it happen and shit yeah yeah and it aired last fucking week you know at like two in the morning so no one really saw it but i'm gonna put it online this week it's gonna come out online so i'm gonna post it out and it's gonna look good i'm seeing it it looks good you know it's amazing how when we start getting stuff it's always they put it at times of people like for years every time i got a movie i was always the first scene of the fucking movie with credits roll included yeah so you get a tv spot but it comes on at two and shit wait up till two that means five fifteen on the east coast and shit so it's kind of weird but i still love it man i

know where to go i know what you go through and i know yeah and you know ultimately you know it's not about what it is it's that um people see it online that's how it works nowadays bro the whole thing is one is that people see it but the most important thing is that you hit an accomplishment doing what you love yeah i know i know it feels good man and that's uh for me to see a friend of mine making strides because that's the you know it's not it's not letterman but it's on the way to letterman yeah no feels good i haven't done anything on tv for like three years so i feel like that that resurgence you know when you because i got a bunch of new material now i feel like that's savage that you've told me i always am you know dog you are you are a fucking savage i mean uh

you're one of the few guys that at your age you are who you are right which is very relative very seldom seen in this town in this industry uh you really you really are who you are and you're very likable and i know a thousand people that when your name pops up they got a smile on their face genuinely because that's what you bring to the party you're the real fucking deal thanks man you always been good to me joey that's for sure you know there's some people that you gotta have them around because they bring coke or they got the microphone or they bring the beer you're the type of mother fuck you don't gotta bring nothing you just gotta show up everything's gonna be there taking care for you because you're sincere and your heart's in the right place what else has been going on what's

your next fucking invention talk to me uh i'm doing alaska with daniel tosh this weekend that's going to be fucking awesome dude i can't wait for that damn i'm doing the chicago improv i'm headlining that on sunday the 16th of march i'm headlining west palm beach of florida on the 20th of march so i need people to come out you see me now when are you getting to chicago that sunday morning or you'll be there all week i'll be getting there i'll be getting there on friday morning you know because i'll be able to for berkshire all weekend okay i'm in chicago that weekend you're at zany's and i'm at zany's oh yeah i think i'm like we're opposite to the chicago improv i think it's like it's like fucking uh no that's out there that's an hour away yeah exactly yeah you'll be in zany's

with burt friday and saturday and i'll be opposite you so you're one club friday night oh so you're at all you're at the improv all weekend yeah yeah okay you're zany's right you're an hour from me you're an hour we're not even gonna be further away out there yeah you know i like that club out there but the owner was fucking he kept watching us like i went there with rogan and the audience was stiff we came out to bob marley and the audience just fucking sat there instead of us we were trying that's why i ate the edible and i got the heart attack that's why i got like a mile i've got like a mild heart attack there or something something happened to me i wasn't doing blow either that's the crazy thing i wasn't doing blow i went back to my room and the

next morning i woke up and i was seeing cross-eyed and fucking i couldn't focus and i went back to the yeah and i had to go to the doctor go ahead i'm sorry right sounds like a fun club dude no but it was crazy fun one you're in the you're in the city right yeah i'm in the city i'm at zany's rose me and the other zany's in the city thursday friday seven mother fucker yeah i'll component dog i gotta do a break illinois is illinois man chicago's fucking chicago man you know you still got a sauce there's still a hot beef sandwich somewhere close to you fucking god damn right give me my pizza thick bitch and it's so it's so funny because in similar ways we both came up the same way you work on your own your friends happy have you help out sometimes which is a

smaller club and then the fucking king of swing daniel tosh calls you to sell like a fucking theater so you're in three different realms of your life and then you're at the comedy store on a sunday night you're asking yourself when should i pull the trigger fucking now or tomorrow yeah it's like am i even in this business and it's like yeah just wait four fucking days they'll be in the business it's so weird one weekend you're working with daniel tosh you go down to the airport you get to the american line you got a priority ticket you got a first class ticket you're walking through a white people you japanese people are bowing at you you know you get on the fucking first class they're offering you orange juice and then

you're featured for somebody and that's okay too you know you don't have a first class ticket but you're sitting in the back in the wixpedia area with a bunch of people with handcuffs on and shit you know the what's the expedient ticket and then you got when you work by yourself where it's a fucking death you fly fucking standby you're on southwest yeah you got to take six flights by yourself on you got to take the fucking southwest tour of the nation 69 dollars 18 stops i spent i spent 30 hours out of here one time waiting for a standby ticket to work out come on so i just i had a i had a fucking um a check i just made some money but it you know it wasn't in the bank it was in the way it was checking my wallet so i had to get a taxi out to the city deposit the check

come back and buy a fucking ticket out because the standby ticket wasn't working out oh you have no that's what i'm talking about i remember when you had to go to what's the and when i moved here was when the beginning of the expedient thing came where you know you could buy the discount ticket so discount ticket place in LA was across the street from the fucking airport and if you didn't have a credit card you had to go down there and stay online and get the plane ticket and if you fucking were late for that plane ticket or you had to change your date ooh it cost you like nine thousand fucking dollars to fly that sucked that and i you couldn't get online you had to stand online stand online

and you had to go down there early because that's when it was quick like nobody went down there early for a plane ticket so you had to get it opened at eight so sometimes your flight was at two you had to get there they don't want then sit at the airport for six hours to your flight you have no i'm in my satin uh in amarillo texas one time i waited through i probably was there 12 hours getting free plane tickets from southwest yeah because there was like a tornado somewhere so they kept saying if you sit back we'll give you three hundred dollars voucher i took vouchers all day fucking long wait that's oh good for you man that's what you do is a comic sometimes you gotta play jew sometimes you gotta roll over and play jew that's a jew move that's you just you go

jew on the way home you go jew on the way home you have your shoplift sandwiches from fucking that place for you how much shoplifting i used to do with fucking airports oh tell me and oh my god i used to bury fucking i used to oh my god what about the how many buses have you taken uh you know i haven't taken any buses i was gonna take a greyhound this year from tennessee to lolville but then somebody stepped in god intervened and saved me from the greyhound you got always bluffing but i always get saved let me tell you somebody for about a year and a half for about a year and a half my fortune i lived on a fucking greyhound oh oh and i would take it from montreal to uh toronto from toronto to buffalo and i swear to god i would call the airline if the

airline plane ticket was too much i'd get right i only took a train once i thought the train was the worst experience ever if you're taking an abtrak like a port of rica yeah because they have different levels if you get the little box in your sleep it's not bad with the room but if you gotta sit there the box costs the box costs more than like an airplane yeah the box costs more than airplane ticket but if you gotta sit there opposite people strangers and try to fall asleep and then go into the cargo thing i didn't have the twelve dollars yeah no it's awful dude i thought it'd be cool because i was like oh it'll be a place to stay and a ride to new york but it was a fucking dumb idea man it's awful and you can get out and smoke dope real quick the train almost left me one

time oh you have no fucking idea i used to smoke dope i used to pull when they pulled over at those greyhounds man for 45 minutes to get lunch well that is the upside that is the upside of the train you can bring your dope if you want oh the train and the fucking bus you know it's amazing when you start out comedy how uh you fucking go from the car to the bus then the evolution goes to the plane and then you eliminate buses completely yeah and now i just fucking fly everywhere and i refuse to drive oh my god i can never get back on the car and do six hours again nah those days are done yeah six hours sucks man yeah i just drove to arizona in in uh fucking january uh got pulled over and everything did yeah that right but uh because i let me off just i i said i was a comedian he

fucking let me off he was talking about how all these cool people he pulled over like like cheerleaders from the lakers and fucking he was bragging about all the cool people and he said he was gonna come to the show and everything i was like what the fuck is this is a candid camera it's it's uh it really is crazy like when you get started in comedy the forms of uh transportation you need to take i took a job for judy brown one time lady who runs levity she used to book a room in vail and it was 35 dollars to mc no hotel and i had to sleep in my fucking car and on the way home i went to it was so cold i i went to start the car like the fan belt blew up right there on the hill bro and i drove that car down the hill it was a may i rolled it down the hill it was fucking i left it

there and three days later that's one of the first things i saw you talk about on stage was just you getting i think it was a triple run story where you just got out of the car and just started hitchhiking yeah you just abandon that town yeah there's no reason to sit there and hold you properly just put it on the trunk of abandon ship it'll be there in two days it'll be at a pound i mean there's something it's so weird when you get into comedy i think of those times and i thought thought about quitting but you know that there's something at the end of the rainbow you know when you're uh on a bus and it's 12 hours to dallas and you're like jesus fucking christ what happened to my life i could be working on a subway you always go through stuff like that and you always want to

quit but if you're into it you you never stay quit another couple days rolls around you get bored you gotta do you gotta come back up there it's all there is to it you know i always talk about i've done those triple runs too man i've done a lot of them you know i would do one of those with some i would do one of those with you for a goof just to have a good time just like if you were gonna write an hbo special take something you really dig that's a good rider and go listen i'm gonna give you my fucking money just take the ride with me for three weeks yeah we just film it you know we just film it or do yeah like you're saying do it for the hbo special like that's a beast though man that's driving all day every day that's fucking eight hours a day of driving

for no money yeah and especially now it's four it's four dollars a fucking gallon you know but one thing i was gonna mention to you that i know it happens to you because you're a pretty deep guy like you you know when you're a comic you have to think and that's what sometimes it's the hard part of being a comic that you're in an airport for six hours or you're in an airport for four hours or something or you're in a car for 10 hours and you can think about your career for two you can think about your jokes but after like three hours you start thinking about your life yeah and you focus on it like it's quiet you know you have no you surrender your mind you know there's no tv you know your battery's dying on your phone or whatever the fuck it is and you

you start playing with your mind and you think about your life and where it's going and it's a a lot of people don't get to do that every week yeah there's a lot of reality at 5 30 a.m at the at the gate at gate 52 when you were just waiting for that plane you know there's just nothing to do like you said but but just sit there with your own thoughts that's true man you know you really got to check up on your skeletons because every once in a while they they check up on you and that's the time to do them that's what happens you check them on you checking on your skeletons and you're like what the fuck happened to that you know remember that remember that it's so weird how even yesterday i was on a six-hour fucking flight you're on the computer for two hours you

watch captain phillips you still got two fucking hours you know you could just listen to so much fucking music before you're forced to think about your life and what's happened and where you've been and you think about dates like oh my god it's 30 years since that day i can't believe 30 years past and i remember yesterday i was i was driving up to 405 i was thinking about them like man that was a great plane ride because i got to check out my skeletons and they're doing just fine they're still there they're intact and they're ready to attack if i don't check on them you know as soon as i land on the west coast baby there's skeletons are coming right back no and they don't come back but it's so weird that

those skeletons are the reason you're getting on that plane sometimes the skeletons are the reason that we do this fucking comedy or the reasons that we do part of the things we do our actions because those skeletons fucking mold you you know so it's uh it's fucking hysterical the shit that goes through my mind like i was just telling Lee the story about me robin uh i went on a plane one time it was the first class flight to Puerto Rico at my family and they used to put perfumes in the airport in the airplane bathrooms in those days like little hand creams and i took the puke bag and i filled it up with all the perfumes i was going to sell them when i got back to new york city on the street like a like a and the bag broke like i didn't fucking remember that

story i never fucking remember that story that was down in the fucking ditches of my brain because the story was painful because my parents walked away from me my mom was at the airport going don't even get close to me you're embarrassing me then later on i could see where her joy came in by going what were you gonna do with those and i'm like i was gonna sell them make a little fucking hustle and she was like you know what you're not that bad you're all right you're seven you're thinking of selling fucking perfumes already you're a good kid you got interests and shit you're a business man so what's next for my main man brother tell me something good oh dude i'm just fucking i'm doing it i'm happy to be doing it the stand up and shit

i'll struggle in there for a little bit and i feel like it's it's really back up and running and i feel good man you feel real fucking good i got a lot of dates on the calendar this year and i'm just fucking excited to do them man i can't wait okay you know well if anything comes along my way bro you know i always call you especially if we're local because i love you the debt so oh yeah i love doing that shit man i love working with you leo always comes by good fall he had another time get some ranch ranch dressing fucking lee loves ranch dressing lee loves it he loves it though this motherfucker has jars of it in his house and he mixes it with hummus that's what he made so you know this you know this fucking

stink like you know why bro he's a solid jew he's the last he's the last of the real jews though this guy won't stab jesus in the heart but he'll spit on him you know what i'm saying and i like that quality in a jew that's the quality i want a jew i don't want no fucking faggy jews around if you're gonna be a fucking jew be a fucking jew i don't like none of these faggy jews this kid works hard he's got balls this year that's his skeleton that's his skeleton that he's a jew that's when you're when you're jewish that's your skeleton that you're a jewish that that fucking uh we were talking about that jew guilt that's your skeleton is the jew guilt you know i'm saying and what you need to do

to make it happen every day that ain't a fucking pair of sandals and a hello i need ten dollars in my bank count because i'm getting banked 38 cents a day every time i write a check jews go to the core of the matter you know i'm saying jews ain't fucking around look at lee's looking like what are you saying these things to the truth lee listen man you have to get off your chest just because it's true i love these fucking jews how can you not love a jew i hate faggy jews and they walk around with that dope look on their face but these harseeds these stinky motherfuckers i love them they got balls of steel who can argue with that dude you're right on the money matt falton i love you cocksucker you know you're always family here when i thought about

a monday i thought about you because you always make me happy and you make the fucking people at home happy brother dude i love you too thank you so much for having me on the show thanks for calling me and and saying what's up every once while i love it i have to do that man you're uh you're making it happen you make me proud so thank you brother love you thanks stay jewish stay jewish i will man i will stay black you guys see you brother later later cocksucker i want to give some shout outs to my main man brian and china your little chinese motherfucker walking around bound with andrew belter quarry burton lady jay i love you thank you for that fucking hug toking lair derrick yasua randy martin and josh wallin i love you motherfuckers

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these people write me right away whatever it was fucking those strawberries that came dead to your house or the fucking flowers that came dead fuck those fucking people okay they could suck my dick if i'm gonna have people on this podcast it's because they provide a great service or the great price meaning they save you fucking dough i'm not gonna send you to a chinese restaurant because there's chinese people doing fucking loopy loops i don't give a fuck about those motherfuckers i give a fuck about ribs and pork and roast pork fried rice if it's good and you got a good lunch special that's where i go eat that's my jewish friends that's ari if any city i fucking go down take them to the best fucking value in the meal yeah sometimes you go to a arty mortons or sometimes

you go to some fucking place because you hit the lottery or something like that but for the most part what i do here is give you the most bang for your buck escapebottank.com check them out you get 250 dollars off and you fucking mention me that's it you know you fucking people piss me the fuck off dollar shave club same thing a dollar six dollars and nine dollars a month a month i'm talking about a month nine dollars to get full fucking quality raises sent right to your house you don't have to leave the house you're gonna stand online you're gonna smell fucking disgusting people at cvs or some other fucking pharmacy wherever you buy raises why so go to fucking dollarshaveclub.com press enter in the fucking box go to joeydias.net and get your fucking savings

on them raises you understand me i love it why do i get aggravated in the morning is when i talk about these people you know why because i'm sick of talking about these people because he's a quality products that you should already have in your goddamn house anyway he's an emotional day speaking of emotional just looking at twitter and uh water a friend waterboxer who i normally love said that just finishing up on jackie brown said jackie brown is a brilliant tribute to south l.a it's not a tribute it means south l.a. looked like a like a terrible place to be so i don't know what he's talking about but maybe he was talking about redondo beach where the white chick lived yeah where the white she was there's she looked fucking so she was but no that was probably my

my only favorite scene in the movie where robert dino shot her he just explained to save me a little jackson he's just like you know you know she was she kept bugging me she wasn't listening to me so yeah i had just her man you couldn't hate her i i guess i could but i enjoyed the movie i don't think it's an academy award winner yeah i want to see that wasn't that the movie that came out christmas day or something in my mind yeah that was one of those movies that came out christmas day or christmas week that year 98 99 around there so i want to see that movie with a bunch of friends i forget who the fuck i want to see it with uh but i want to see it with gabin i want to see yeah yeah something your march i hate you yeah i came out christmas 97 what the fuck do you think

you're dealing with here bro you know you people want to try and stop me from time to time i smoke reef and shit like that but uncle joey still fucking has it speaking of entertainment and dates and movies and all that shit another company i've never gotten a complaint about since i've been working with them and uh my wife loves him and my wife is uh you know white and tough as could be is huluplus.com movies documentaries at your fucking fingertips you know if you go to the web page what do you get you get one week for free at 799 a month not me i'm giving you two weeks for free and 799 a month after that go to huluplus.com or go to joey dears not net go to a hulu plus box and press joey joey and get two weeks not one two weeks for free you can watch everything in those two

weeks you can binge on shows you can do whatever the fuck you want at the end of the two weeks trust me you'll be fucking emailing me like everybody else thanking me for turning on to huluplus.com all the other shit it's time for that shit to go away which we're here to save you money and give you the best for the money how much is it a month it's 799 a month how many times we gotta go over this shit with you people get it together today go to joeydears.net look at the tour dates see what i'm coming to town san jose michigan see what's fucking cracking jersey this week fucking chicago the week after when why are you there stop at huluplus stop at dollar shave club at huluplus what's the code joey joey uh you know what the fuck is going on you can find seven

and ninety nine and quarters in the little payphone so the few people you're fucking up your fucking ass at a couch you know 799 a month and you got entertainment you can binge on whole shows documentaries you know tv shows tv series i mean it's just a a tremendous bargain if you're looking to save money and just put the fucking year together maybe you're not doing good maybe it's not your year that's why these podcasts are free for fucking entertainment you can jump up and down i get your start on a monday morn that's what monday morn's are about it's march third what did you quit this year what have you done that's differently you know last couple weeks i've had jiu-jitsu people i'm not to tell you people i don't know nothing about jiu-jitsu just to let

your motherfucker know i'm 51 i'm rolling around with young kids if i could do it i'm trying to stay a little healthy so the fucking you by the way they're not smoking weed and showing you fucking people that's even working a little better for me i ran this weekend did yeah thursday i swam and thursday i had a i went to the uh i went to the pool and i swam and the pool was fucking cold but i liked it i would felt sometimes the water just feels good on your body and i must have swam for 30 minutes i can't do the full breaststroke but i'll pull myself and i'll kick and i'll do laps and then i'll run across the pool and then i went to jacuzzi and a great jewish guy sat next to me he was like 60 something he had the yamakohan and i told you yeah that's what i forgot about that

he was telling me about how uh his wife had cheated on him for 10 years oh it was a very heartwarming story about how this guy goes i don't know you are but i want to get this off my chest look he had just found out he found out january first oh she had a business with some money she had been cheating on for 10 years with the doctor and they went on vacations together and he would fuck the wife on vacation so it's like me you we all go away and you fuck my wife on vacation oh shit it was brutal and he's still living with it he goes through therapy you know and uh i could see the pain in his eyes man it was so fucking sad oh my god and he goes the kid it just you know the house is in turmoil the kid won't talk to the mother the sister won't talk to him so the kids

took their sides he said the kid called the mother everything but a whore you know and it's just amazing how sometimes uh you're unhappy with the situation and you make it worse you know like i couldn't i don't listen man we all have our little fucking fantasies i like to fuck people up the ass and get my dick sucked but i still gotta go back i'm looking at my wife you know it's like a distant fantasy for me and i like it there's some bros out there i love you i love women you know there's nothing wrong with loving women and sucking asses and sucking tits and i'm gonna warn them but you still gotta go home you still gotta go home and that's tough and i've been cheated on and i've never cheated and it feels bad it feels bad to be cheated on i've been cheated on but it's even

fucking horrible you know i understand like let's say she went and hooked up with that guy once yeah but if you're doing it for 10 years and going on vacations that's like that's like emotionally and to have a kid and i don't know why but it seems worse for a mom to do it and then that's double standard and i understand that but i just you when i think of mom i think of my mom who's so nice and just thinking of a mom doing that's just so terrible like i don't know why it's like you almost expect it from a guy like you just you look up like mom that's like the best thing you could be oh my god that's so terrible what really was funny that was that he was an investment banker and then he started turning it on himself he was like you know and then i started thinking about it that

i work 15 hour days yeah you know and uh i wasn't there i get home at seven o'clock and he overlooked a lot of the things you know and people get pissed off at me for work not working sundays and for coming home early you know and people call me names and say i'm a prima donna it's not because i'm a prima donna it's because basically i want to have dinner with my family every sunday you know it was raining yesterday it was shitty we couldn't go to a park we went to the mall she ran around the mall she played you know we made some stops and then we went home and i don't even know what we ate we sat and just giggled together we gave her a bath but that's my sunday and that's and i didn't have family growing up so i make that important to me and money isn't that

important to me it's not that important to me because i realized one thing that in my life all these stories i tell you people i had done without no money if i would have had money i wouldn't had those fucking stories yeah if i would have had money i would have never mugged that hooker in the car i would have never you know i would have never done half the things i would have been pretty bad so you don't even need the money yeah you know i mean so trust me people the best times i've had i've had three dollars in my pocket it's the people you put it around yourself and the move that you're in that's what controls the fucking good time you have and laughing i love fucking laughing you know so it was just uh it was just really weird that i learned that that you know i remember when

i first started telling people and it's a personal thing for me i know that you lose your life i know that these times i'm laughing with my daughter and my wife and i make a mental note to remember that that's something i never used to do when i was young i make a mental note to remember that and that's the next time i think of shoplifting gone more doing something stupid i think of that in the living room with no money just sitting there giggling with my baby and my wife just cracked a stupid joke you know i can't see without my glasses okay so the other day i was preparing a hamburger instead of onion powder i put cinnamon on it and when i got the cheeseburg it was a cinnamon and cheeseburg it was like i couldn't fucking see man i can't fucking see so when i

told my wife we were laughing she's calling me stupid and i was mad for 10 seconds and i realized when am i gonna get called stupid again for something giggly you know something that you over look it's the living burger so you know when i leave your town i don't work boss in the new jersey on a sunday it's not that i don't love you so i love my family and i love being who i am and you gotta believe in something you gotta believe in something for yourself even even if nobody else believes in it that's what makes you different that's what'll keep you to the next level is you know people always tell me well i can't get it to the next level the next level doesn't start by you booking a tv show or you win the lottery you excel yourself to the next level you know i

answered emails yesterday and i got some kid that's a sweet kid you know in san diego they have this thing and he wants me to shoot this this godfather type dang for me will you prank people and shit listen i would shoot it and it's not that i don't want to shoot it or i'm egotistical or whatever but i don't like going backwards why would i want to go back on fucking youtube you know and but there's only one person who controls this and this isn't me even if they pay me a flat rate for me it's not about the money it's about the time i'm 51 you know today i got a busy schedule but i have a busy schedule because i have to do stuff with terry and the baby i'm leaving fucking wednesday i'm only here two days this weekly so you have to make time for the things

that are important in your life i don't care how much you know there's days i want to go do jiu-jitsu but i'd love to go do jiu-jitsu tonight but i'm only home for two nights i gotta do the podcast tomorrow night yeah i gotta stay home and partake of my family tonight and have a good time and put the baby to bed and these are the things i didn't know at 25 and 26 and 27 and 28 so if you're that age and you feel sometimes that things are holding you back rewrite your fucking schedule man that's why i gave you the goomy bed you know yes i did you feel fucking great i feel i feel high but yeah see i took it we'll see you cocksucker who takes care of you like your uncle joey well it's now wait call me at noon room still sleeping you're not sleeping because you don't you go home

and give up this is what makes me mad do not go home and give up how do you you're gonna leave here right now you're gonna finish this you're gonna leave here you're gonna go get a breakfast okay tomies oh but then we're gonna get two eggs or oatmeal and there's some fruit you're gonna start taking care of yourself yeah then you're gonna go home and you're gonna put your sneakers on and you're gonna put your jacket on the hood and you're gonna walk to ventura blue one you're gonna walk on play then you want to go to sleep then go to sleep okay let's make that deal while you're high i want you to take that walk i don't want you to sleep and then get up late and take the walk okay when you're high i want you to see what goes through your head today when you walk and it's

how far is this to ventura half a mile so you're gonna walk a mile today do me that favor i'll give you fucking a hundred bucks tomorrow you do that cash i'll give it to you cash just do that okay then if you want to go to sleep i'll do that every day for a hundred dollars you go home you go you want to eat you want to eat you want to eat ice cream i don't give a fuck i just want you to make that walk today i want you to get some color i want you to breathe and i want you to walk while you're high i want you to see the thought you have a bipod yeah with those jubans jumping up and down oh yeah put them on just walk to ventura today after that you want to sleep the rest of the day i'll never bother you again you're gonna call me when you get back from that walk and you're gonna

thank me i promise oh no i mean i don't want to sleep the whole day but i don't know how you do on the edibles man i'll try you don't you don't let it overtake you when the sleep starts coming you get up and you open your door and you go outside and you get some air and you go for a walk i want you to walk today i want you to clean your lungs out today it's monday it's a beautiful day to be alive it's been raining all week the clouds the fucking air is clean yeah i'm looking for that's the best part about raining today this morning this morning i was gonna do something else i had to go get ready for something i said no let's push it back i'm gonna go to that barbell class a kettlebell class this morning because it's a beautiful morning this is the only day this way i could do it tomorrow

he doesn't have a class he has a 615 class i got through the podcast tomorrow night so yeah i'm sorry about not talking into the mic i get emotional here and i talk out here and that's what fucking happens but today you don't need to surrender to the sleep that's what you do when you're 13 and you get out you gotta go home and eat a burger to sleep i want you to go home don't even look at the bed don't even open anything get the ipod put your right here put your little hooded sweatshirt on and go for it you walk have one mile even if it takes you don't take you what even takes you an hour if you stop and breathe and pick up the grass and sniff it and you're gonna see how beautiful fucking life really is yeah no that's why that's why i chose that apartment that's why you move don't

go home and go to sleep you gotta start the week off with a little edible just to get the blood going i'm not saying everybody i know half of you people have day jobs and you have lives but when you have a day off like today or something that's it you're not doing nothing you don't you're not gonna drive to four or five or ten and i'm gonna be stuck on that fucking bumper to bumper so wait till one o'clock anyway and you shoot down and it's 13 minutes yeah when they're no traffic yeah with no traffic it's 10 minutes down the very boom you make the left you go right there you ask me my man fucking elison elison you go in there you get the shirts you get right back if you're lucky you stay on olympic and you go to fucking uh versi oh yeah you still live right next to

versi get yourself to number 25 right there in culver city uh in west LA it's uh olympic and olympic and pico not pico uh supola supola whatever the fuck it is there yeah no no national oh oh make me double to the two yeah there's two of them okay there's ventura there's la sienega and there's uh washington okay that's where you're gonna hit you're gonna hit washington okay go in and get to number 25 there's some kind of con papas the Cuban beef stew two piece three pieces of meat with some potatoes and the gravy it's been boiling in the gravy so the gravy goes into the potato and get the lunch special so you get the fried bananas and the salad who's better than you got a glass of water after your little walk you'll feel like fucking superman i felt like

superman yesterday with the the girlfriend's mom made tacos with homemade tortillas she said she marinated the meat she made it's weird guacamole for mexican people or at least for this where she's from it's chunks of avocado but then she they put like salsa and tomatoes and all the onions it's not that shit you get that friday's they used to jump up and down with that artificial green shit oh my god the homemade tortillas is a big thing i don't it's uh and i only had four of them i can only eat four it's it was it was a little bit bigger than the small ones god dammit no fucking it was just tacos she offered me dessert but i just couldn't do it what was dessert um it was one of those breads like uh what does it call it just it looks like a

sweet bread i don't i don't i forget the name of it um but i don't know man it's fucking really great you like to eat lean i know you like who doesn't like to eat everyone but it's uh i got jealous of you this weekend when you told me you went to legals that's what i want it's my favorite place here in your voice you're right what do you eat that you eat the fried no you don't know i don't get the fried i don't get the fried shrimp i get they have something called the jasmine special it's steamed rice with steamed shrimp and broccoli there's a little cheese thing on top of it fucking amazing then they highlight the grilled shrimp i like uh they have some great sides oh fuck i have to go back now don't you know steam is a fucking world class my dick was i was gonna jerk off in

the shower but i didn't want to waste on the curtain you know what i'm saying i was gonna give home give mama a stab and fuck it with that good tropical helmet i didn't even give her a stab and i went to sleep i had so much sperm in me i just passed out that's how much of a half a fag i am i want to thank all our sponsors hulu plus escape pod tank.com on it dollar shave club i love that you guys are still with us and uh give us the love i'd like to thank everybody i shout it out there i'd like to thank matt full tron for calling i thank lian i thank you motherfuckers for being in my life and for supporting me and for coming to the shows and for putting up with my bullshit early in the mornings on monday and wednesdays you guys

some serious motherfuckers and uh yes i'm not smoking i don't want you to call me a pussy i'm making a comeback march 18th at uh what's the name of the place uh lago lago with uh my man i'm just giving it a 32 day rest just to give my lungs a breathe and i'm gonna be smoking like a motherfucker and what time are we doing tomorrow seven you said we're doing seven california time that's ten o'clock right now i'm trying to get my uncle this is the same uncle i tried to rob i have a chapter in the book called uh uh the world doesn't know you dick it's about my uncle about how he uh told him he broke the bad news to me because sometimes we don't know that the world don't know you dick yeah he's the one that broke the bad news to me and i hate him for 20 years and now

he's one of my best friends i love him he's 75 years old he's gonna be here with us tomorrow talking about cuba music my father studio yeah he's coming to the studio so i love you guys seven o'clock to monitor church have a great day waterboxer lady j clio all the people we love uh lucca cabana fucking all you motherfuckers if i forgot you you know i'm i'm fucking with you i love you all have a great day stay black and stay beautiful now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus that you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the

hulu plus banner and don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com you get high quality wages sent to your tour every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shave club banner and again thank you to escape pod tank dot com uh go there for all of your century deprivation tank needs and they'll send it to your house they'll come send it up for you get 250 off if you mentioned the church what's happening now oh shit oh shit oh shit have a great day motherfuckers don't let nobody lie to you remember your lunch money's in their

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