Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #155 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, April 18th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Zip Recruiter, The Freeze Pipe & Better Help.…. Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY & Try it for FREE! Freeze Pipe Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #BetterHelp #ZipRecruiter #TheFreezePipe The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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We're smoking from coast to coast. What up, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. On a beautiful Monday, the 18th of April, Easter's done. Valentino's day's done. Fucking Passover's done. It's all done. We've covered the fucking spectrum, and now straight to fucking Memorial Day, slinging dick, and by the motherfucking pool. That's all I'm looking at. Right now, all I give a fuck about is my local pool opening. I got six weeks. I'm counting it fucking down. You remember when you were a kid, you had to count on the wall with the X's in it and shit?

Thirty-eight days, the school's over. That's how Papa is thinking about the fucking pool this year. I got a system. I'm going to lift in the morning, a little jiu-jitsu at lunch, right to the fucking gym, one o'clock, smoke a couple numbers, get some vitamin D, kill the COVID, and move fucking forward. That's it, man. Everybody wants to know what's going on, so I'll fucking tell you how it evolved and how it took place. I know two bears in the cave was up last week, and the cocksuckers thought they set me up and whatever the fuck they were thinking. I love those two cocksuckers. You know, you gotta love Burton, Tom. I have a lot of respect for both of those fucking guys. As comics, as parents, as human beings, I mean, they've done things I never even dreamed of doing that younger than I am.

Tom Segura has really come a long way, but one thing, he always stayed a fucking great guy. You know, Tom's a great guy. When Tom kept calling me to go down there, I was like, you know what, I don't know. And I went down there and listened. If you don't think I hadn't, I was like that chubby girl at 2.30 in the hotel lobby. I knew what was going to happen, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know what's going to happen? You'll end up going to some guy's room sucking his dick. I know I'm the chubby girl. I get no love, you know what I'm saying? So, you know, sometimes you know what's going to go down. Why are you resisting it? I didn't, I knew at some point I was going to do something on this stage. The energy was going to call me out there.

And it was very weird because it all came, listen man, I told you motherfuckers once, I told you a thousand times, I love how things go down. There was a thing somebody told me years ago that if something sucks in the beginning, a movie, you're recording an album with your band, you get there and the fucking guy's under the couch on heroin. It's going to be a long fucking six weeks, you know. You build in a house the first day, you know, it's just, you guys know, unless you're a fucking idiot, you know, you ever do something with somebody and you know in the back of your mind, this is a fucking no win situation. And they're like, let's go, let's dig six more inches and you're like, we're just wasting our time. Somebody's going to hit a fucking line and get fucking electrocuted and then, you know what I'm saying? Like it just, it just doesn't pay. Like I believe in fucking never giving up.

But I also believe sometimes it's a very fine line between giving up and throwing your cards in. You know, last week I was talking about my friend Sarah Rest in Peace who died last week. I was telling you guys the story kind of sort of. And what I was hinting at was, even when I was on the church, you know, I got on there every day and I preach, don't give up, blah, blah, blah, blah, but whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's a fucking fine line between you spinning your fucking wheels and you pushing to get ahead. There's always been that fine line, you know, when you have to catch yourself. Because if not, you're killing yourself to live in the immortal words of Black Sabbath. You're basically, that's how I always, I always came back to that. You're killing your fucking self to live.

So you got to know when to, you know, do 85 and when to put the fucking brakes on. I went to go, you know what? I gave this my all. You know what I'm going to do? I'm not going to stay in LA. I'm going to downsize this. I'm going to take my comedy act to Phoenix, get a day job with insurance, get my life together, do some writing and stick to a plan. It all comes back to what I guys tell you about a fucking, about a fucking plan. You always have to have a plan. For the last, I think three weeks before a little Liquid IV, always good for you on a fucking Monday morning, a little Concord grape, tremendous.

Three weeks before I went up to Tom's, I wanted to take a look. Before I threw in the towel, I wanted just to go to a comedy show and take a look. Take a look to see if I remember something. Just take a look. But I knew if I took a look, I'm one of those motherfuckers. If I put a uniform on, I got to go to war. Like I'm not one of those guys that could sit from the fucking sideline. So you guys don't remember telling, I told you motherfuckers, I went over the stacks. One of my favorite breakfast joints.

They do comedy. I like the owners, the two women, but I couldn't get parking. That was maybe the night before Tom. Yes, it was the night before Tom. I went to stacks just to check out stand up, just to see if it was something that I even wanted to be around or whatever. I'm not bored. I don't need a fucking job. I need a hobby.

I'm pretty busy with the fucking girls. I'm pretty busy here. Nine out of ten times when you talk to me at three in the afternoon, I already got my night planned out. You know, this last week, Thursday, we went to the fucking movies to see, I don't know, some fucking bunny rabbit that spins around or whatever. I don't fucking know. Gizmosonic, the hedgehog or whatever the fuck. You know, 20 people there, like kids and adults, you know, I didn't plan. What do you think?

I sat there and go, I want to see a hedgehog. No, they called me. I go. That's it. It's that simple. You got a family. I don't know. Friday night, we went to a fucking tremendously like family restaurant because this fucking 13, 14 of us every fucking Friday.

Last night, I think it was like 16 of us. And we all Friday night, it was like 16 of us and we had to find the place to eat because the kids have no fucking sports. You know, what am I going to tell them? I can't, I can't go out to dinner because I got to do a fucking spot at some hellhole. Fuck you. Sadly, I went to an Easter thing. They, they made ribs. The kids fucking ran around, jumped up and down.

You know, so I don't, if I, I knew that I had to do it during the week. The weekends are fucking to put for me. You know, so it's basically a hobby. So when I went down to Tom's, you know, I, when I got off stage, my mind was racing about all the things that were possible to me. And then over the next three days, when I came down from the adrenaline, I thought about all the things that I didn't want to do. You know, so it was a perfect balance for me. I was there. It took me by storm.

I didn't sleep a night. You know, I lost a night's sleep just thinking about my next move. And then I stood and know after I got on stage, Rich Voss, we were talking and he goes, Vinny's open. Dino's got Wednesday night open. I go, let's go, let's get this shit to fuck over with. You know, and what fucking got me mad was, listen, I tell you guys the truth. Don't, don't expect nothing. I'm going to light myself on fire.

I mean, I'd love to tell you that for the last 18 months, I wrote religiously. I didn't. I wrote, you know, for the book, I wrote the story of my life. I outlined shit like that every once in a while. If I cracked the joke, I wrote it down like, you know, New Jersey has the highest rate of autism, you know, shit like that. You know, just to remember it if I ever did want to put a bit together. But guys, it was my first time on stage. Well, come on.

People are like, what, I got to get a ticket. It's really potless. And first of all, guys, if I'm doing Jersey, let's get this fucking straight. Just so you know, because, you know, I don't like telling people this, but because I think that you figure it the fuck out. If a show is sold out and it's anywhere in Jersey, New York, Philadelphia, don't call me and hit me up with tickets. And I'll tell you why. It's not that I don't want to give you tickets. Did you forget I'm from here?

So whenever I have a show, I'm already dealing with a can I get tickets from the kids I grew up with my nieces, my nephews? Yeah. What do you think this is? If I was in California, yeah, I got nobody. If I go to Phoenix and you're like, Joey, I'm in town. Can I get two tickets? I'll give you eight tickets because I got nobody in Phoenix, a Dallas or a New Jersey. Can I get two tickets?

I'll give you eight tickets because I got nobody in Phoenix, a Dallas or fucking Miami. You know what I'm saying? Put your fucking brain cap on. But if I'm in Jersey, like some guys like any possibility of any tickets, I go, God, come on, just come to that. You're not missing nothing. You're not missing nothing. You're not missing nothing. It was nothing.

Listen, guys, one thing we have to take away from ourselves. It's an immature thing. It's very immature. And I'm going to flip this around for you right now in a way that you can't. I don't know. I think that we're living in a life that you don't want to miss anything. And I gotta tell you something. It's healthy for you to miss something.

When I was 18, 19, you know, when you can't talk a motherfucker out of missing anything. You ever been 18 or 19? Remember when you had it in your head, I'm going to see penguins, whatever. And your friend's like, yeah, but the show's up midnight. I'm going to see penguins because you didn't give a fuck. And you went the way home. You're like, what was that all about? I mean, guys, I've been to maybe four fucking shows that I left there and went, wow, everything else is good.

It's memorable, but nothing for me to fucking kill myself over. Like that was great. You know, nothing like that at all. I mean, you know, so I want you guys to start thinking about like, man, I really want to go to that show, but I can't. You know what? Fuck him. Fuck him. Joey, come see me.

Start doing that. When I was 18, I used to force myself to stay in on Friday nights because I never thought that I could survive. Like in the back of your mind, you're like, I gotta go. You know, why? Like, do you think you're never going to fucking survive the next day? So I remember like going to bed sober and waking up and like looking out the window, looking at my phone. Like, what did I miss? You didn't miss anything.

The best line I ever heard was in the rat pack when Dean Martin looks at Joey Bishop or whatever. And he goes, you know what the best thing is? One of these days, all these fucking idiots are going to wake up with a hangover and go, what the fuck was it all about? You know, we go through patches in our life. Like we go to bands for a couple of years or not. We go to like comedy shows. Then we go to a bar for a minute bar. Yeah.

I remember there was always that one old jerk off like me uncle Louis that sat there like he tell all the girls, give me something for the cheek. And you know, that fucking idiot. And you know, he always tried to hit you with alcoholism, wisdom and shit like that. And you're like, man, I can't picture my life without that bar. Well, now you're married. You got kids. Do you even think of that fucking dump anymore? Do you even think of those old Alkes that are probably still there?

Reciting the same shit there and reciting when you were there 1012 fucking years ago. And you go, yeah, that was a festive time in my life. At the same time, you're like, I could live without it. Guys, it's the same thing. I'm just a fat fuck that cracks a joke every once in a while. Nothing that's going to, nothing that's going to put money in your bank. Nothing that's going to change your life. You're not going to go home and go.

Wow. You know, wow. You know, guys, I never went home and wow. What movie is it that the guy like yours? You're not going to believe what happened and the old man's like, what are you talking about? And the guy's like, you're not going to believe it. He showed up and he's like, go to bed. Go to fucking bed.

What's the matter with you? You know, guys, it was a $20 fucking show. Thank God. I wasn't greedy and I didn't like headline myself with two unknowns. If I'm going to get up on stage, I want you guys to have a good time too. And I want you guys to have an experience. Jimmy was fucking great. You know, the next day people were like, Jimmy Fontaine's great.

You didn't know this. I mean, he's been doing it for 25 fucking years. What do you think he's been doing? Fucking playing the bass. He's fucking great. He's fucking great. He's a professional and rich boss is another fucking killer. And I had them, you know, go up there.

We split it three ways. I don't give a fuck. I just the point of this, everything. Listen, one of my dearest friends once told me something that a lot of people didn't know even myself. I'm a very calculated person. I smoke a lot of dope. I might not have the best language in the world.

I curse. I say some fucked up shit. But guess what? Everything has a fucking plan. I my whole plan for Wednesday night was just to get on stage. And do 20 fucking minutes. Come collected. I wanted to, you know, I wanted to say like, I just, I didn't write any jokes.

I had ideas, you know, I'm sick and tired of hearing about the fucking slap and nobody wanted to say the truth about what the slap was. You know what the slap was about? You know what the slap happened? You know what? Why that's never happened before. Black people, they had black people, a ton of them at the fucking Oscar. You guys want black lives matter.

That's what you fucking get. I got nothing against African Americans. I love them. But the slap is two brothers slapped each other. You never see white people doing it. There. I just said what everybody else is fucking scared of saying. And I said it on fucking stage.

And it's the truth. That's what happens when you invite black people to your party. Now you got it. You see what I'm saying? You wanted fucking, what the fuck you wanted Denzel Washington to show up and the ghetto brothers showed up. What are you going to do? I ain't mad and neither should you.

But say it. Don't keep beating around the fucking bush you cocksuckers with. I don't know what the smack was about. You invited fucking black people to your party. That's what happens from time to time. They don't play games. You guys like to walk around. I loved your movie.

Your movie sucked. Okay. I guess fucking Chris is in a movie. Fucking whatever his name is. Didn't like it from 10 years ago. And he just remembered while he was sitting there. It wasn't about J. It's like Chris Rock made that movie.

Pootie Tang. Fuck him. I'm going to go up there and smack him now 10 years, 20 years later. I don't fucking know. But that's what everybody's scared of fucking saying. So let's fucking say it. That's everybody's been digging at people. Think about it.

Digging at people. What was the smack about? Oh my God. What did you think it was about? Say it. There was a couple of brothers there. You know what I'm saying? One guy put on the Jackson 5.

The other guy wanted to hear the fucking Osmonds. You know, he's a fucking Scientologist. And that's what happened. You know, I talked about fucking the LGBTQ shit. I said everything offensive. So I could get it out there out of the way. So people could know that I'm not fucking like you went. I said like eight or nine offensive things just to.

I don't give a fuck guys. I didn't have planned, you know, one of the biggest things that pisses me off. One of my biggest pet peeves. That pisses me the fuck off is when people go, Joey, I'm getting up on stage for the first time, you know, I'm going to get up in like eight months. You know, two things bother me. I'm going to join the gym soon, but I got to get in shape. Listen to what you just said.

You fucking miserable bastard. I want to join the gym, but I got to get in shape or I want to join jujitsu. I just kind of getting great shape. Do I look like I'm in shape? Do I look like fucking Joe Rogan eat milk? Me and shit. No, I go to fucking jujitsu. I go to the blue class.

I go to the core class. I'm going to tell you something. Every class I go to, I get this much stronger. This much stronger. I don't go to class planning shit. Well, yeah, when I go to the blue class, I plan to go and maybe try a move or try from somebody's, you know, coming into my guard. I want to try a triangle or try a bare and bought whatever the fuck.

The same thing with comedy. I always have one goal when I go on stage to remember one joke. And guess what? I never fucking remember it. Okay. You know, when you write, you, every day you try to write. So I got a satellite o'clock mic. I'm going to write out my set list.

And then I go, holy shit. I wrote that joke the other night when I'm stoned. I'm going to try it tonight. That takes me about six nights to finally get in the rotation. I go, oh, hold on people. This joke doesn't belong in there, but I want to try it anyway. And they know where you're at and they try, but I wasn't going to write a fucking an HBO 20 minutes for a fucking Wednesday night.

All I was trying to do was get my timing. Mouth to audience, audience back my feet. Try to get them fucking level again because when you do comedy, yeah, that idiots just standing there for 45 minutes. If he's a fucking idiot, if he's delivering, if he's unleashing my feet, my fucking thing, my toenails, my fungi toenails, abiding into the floor because the energy I'm propelling out should be making me fall forward. That's what you don't understand.

So there's times you do a 45 minute set. You get back to your hotel and go, Jesus Christ. Why am I so sore because you've been biting into the fucking energy. You've been biting into the fucking earth for you to unleash your stuff. You're basically just a conduit. That's why I'd rather do comedy outside when you're on the fucking ground or on this, on the grass and you have sneakers on because basically you're just a fucking a windsock of sorts.

I don't mean to sound like a wind. What's that? It's like a Tesla coil. You're basically getting energy. You're digging for energy when you, when you start going to Qigong, not that you're going to go to Qigong or when you've gotten, when you start going to Tai Chi and all those Asian arts, older people do them because they're trying to dig energy out of them.

And then one of the moves that they do a lot is to push down and up, down. And you'll see that if you, if you're driving by like, and you see like 20 Chinese people and they ain't cooking spare ribs and they're fucking doing all this shit. That's what they're doing. They're putting the energy down and up. When you go to acupuncture and they hit you with those fucking needles, it opens up the, the chakras. I know Joey, why are you talking about this?

What are you going to do? Teach us downward dog next. No, I'm just trying to make a point here that your energy goes up and down in your body. You know, so when you have pain somewhere, there's a blockage. The energy's going down, but it can't come back up. So there's some type of blockage. You have swelling, inflammation, whatever the fuck you may have. You know, something in your brain, you know, last year when I started to fucking

join the first six months, I had a blockage going to my brain. Like it was going in, but it wasn't coming out. It happens. It happens. You're not fucking balanced. And that's why I would stand up. You have to be totally fucking balanced. But I know this going in when you're first starting.

They don't tell you this in the Judy Carter book. Gene Parade doesn't tell you. And even Joey Diaz and Joe Rogan and Bill Burr, good comics will forget that because it's not relevant, but then it is, it is, but we don't, why would I teach you something if you're just going to sit there and go, what are you talking about, Joey? I've been listening to Pride for years. He never spoke about this. I listened to Jim Gaffigan.

He never spoke about this. I listened to fucking, you know, John Mulaney. He never talked about this because we don't even know what's going on until you get away from it and go, holy shit. That's right. I got to start doing some stretches for my legs or some fucking downward dogs or something because at the end of a 40 minute set, you feel it, especially two fucking 40 minutes. Like, why do you think I wouldn't sign up for fucking like a tour with two shows a night?

Can't cover the spread. That's a lot of energy moving through your body. And if you do it all of a sudden, bro, you go back to your room and you just pass out. The lights just go out. So I don't want to, I want to get into this a little like this week. My goals and maybe get on stage twice. Where am I going to go? I have no fucking idea.

I have no fucking idea, but I'll look at the schedules around town and I'll jump on it. Am I writing? Yes. That's another thing we have to talk about. One of the main reasons I wanted to take a break from stand up. Yeah, I wanted to find out what my next move was, but also to change my point of view. I think that if you listen to my CDs or see my specials, I think the last two specials know the last special and the last two CDs rolled into one another. This is just me saying this.

A lot of people would never say this. This is after I got here, because sometimes before you get on stage, what I like to do is listen to an old piece of work. And that'll bring some, you know, oh my God, I said that, oh my God. Sometimes I'll listen to a CD, which I'm already iffy on, but I'll watch this is not happening, which I know they're fucking solid. I'm very proud of this is not happening. Like four of them, I'm really happy about. There's one that's not too good. There's another room, but I have to go back sometimes and I'll look at those and I knew that my POV had to change.

Joey, what's your point of view? Just your point of view. How your world collides with the rest of the world. That all had to change. I was talking too much about fingers and assholes and stinky monkeys and all. It was time to move away from that. Nobody told me I knew this when I shot. The one special, not the Netflix one, but the other one socially, socially acceptable.

When I shot socially acceptable, my goal was to change my point of view. The only problem was my point of view hadn't changed. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I tried to force something that I could never change anyway. The only way you could change your point of view is time. You know, I didn't know this. I did not know this, but this is why you took that break from stand-up after you shot your special. You usually shot a special and your agent would have eight episodes free on some stupid TV show as a garbage man or whatever.

Because those eight weeks is where you change your point of view. Things change. For me, they didn't change like that. They didn't, but they didn't. So I had to take the point of view I had in LA as a fucking pothead starter up type dad to what I became now. Which I'm close to retiring. You know, not really. I wouldn't bring that up on fucking stage, but you know, it's a different world.

What I'm going through now is completely different when I was going through five years later. Mike's life today is different than it was five years ago. So if you were to write a song today, it wouldn't sound like the song you would sound five years ago. You know what I'm saying? Like five years ago, you were writing a song like I'm young and I don't give a fuck if I have herpes. You know, all those wild thoughts songs and wild lyrics. And you know, maybe he doesn't want herpes or whatever. I'm just exaggerating.

But you guys understand I'm talking to you now. It's got the two kids. It's got a car payment. It's got a house payment. He's getting married. This song would be a little bit more. Not liberal, but it'd be a little bit more not family. I'm not that he's going to.

I've been to the desert with a horse with no name, but he's going to write something not as what's the word like, you know, fuck wild. He's not going to write a what's the dirty guy from Kentucky Wheeler. You're not going to write a Wheeler song. Yeah, you're married. You're with a child. Now, didn't this time trying to say to you, you know, like steep and male chick. I can't believe I said his name. I cannot believe I said his name right steep a male chick is a different guy today.

I love steep a fucking tough motherfucker. I wouldn't want to face him in an alley. And I don't want you to think you could face steep and male chicken and alley. But steep is not the same guy that he was when he first won the championship. When in the world title gave him a little bit more money, gave him a little bit more opportunity. He's a loyal motherfucker that dude. He's a bad motherfucker. He continued to be a volunteer fireman.

What the fuck he does saving lives. That's a real life Superman. But what I'm saying is when you look at steep a night's got his glasses on. You know, he's got a nice tight haircut. You know, he's he's got a smile on his face. When you're first starting to fight, you're fucking angry. You're broke. You're eating tuna out of a fucking can.

You know, you're ready to stab a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Like you're like, what the fuck? That's why you're beating people up. Then you get this happiness in your life. So what is your point of view today? You don't see steep a fight every 90 days. Do you?

I think he's going to fight somebody. I think maybe John Jones or something like that. I'm not even sure. But my point is just like a fighter slows a little down. We as comedians, writers, actors, musicians, songwriters, your point of view has to change in a way. You know, if you listen to one of the greatest fucking albums is back in black, you know, commercial success. They lost a singer. It's just a great album all around.

What was the album after back in black? For those who suck the cock, we salute you. You know, for those who like to rock, we salute you. But if you listen to the beginning of that song. Love придумations. Okay. You like, I like it. But I've heard it before.

You say that a lot of times a band will fucking make 14 songs don't write. Don't write, they'll be on a fucking roll on their third album. The first album's a success. The second album, they got smart and cocky, it sucks dick. You know, it sucks dick. Cheryl Crowe's second album, I can name 15 horrible second albums because the band has put eight years into writing the first album. It better be fucking good.

You know what I'm saying? You not only have one song to carry the album. You have three songs to carry the album. Sweet Child of the Mind, Welcome to the Jungle, and something else that can carry the album. Any record label will take three songs from Appetite for Destruction, headline the album and put fluff around it, and you could call it a fucking album. But with the first year album, with the first album right off the box, Mike's been working on music for four years, I've been working on music for eight years, the drum has been

working on music for 12 years, and the bass player was a part of another fucking band. So he's coming with some fucking luggage and some tricks. So we're gonna get together, we're gonna play some bars, we're gonna do a couple festivals, whatever's needed. Our first album is gonna be a smoker, but we shot up to fucking flames too quick. Now we got a gun up against our head, and we gotta put a second album out that's as popular as the first album out. You got a better chance of fucking sucking 18 dicks in a row because it's not gonna happen.

You just said it yourself, you had four guys that have been out there for eight years average putting new music together, and now the record company's giving you ten months to put fucking thunder, what do they call it, lightning in a package again. Guess what, you're not gonna fucking do it, so the album sucks. But then again, I'm wrong because Led Zeppelin too, El John, that second album is fucking great. You know, there's a lot of bands that got a great second album, Joey, so what the fuck are you talking about?

But a lot of women don't, Edie Breker on the Barbarians, dig up that fucking album. You'll want to shoot yourself in the head. Let me tell you something, Yoko Ono had a bad first album, that second album, holy shit. It's called mental asylum. That's just sounds and noises, and people getting thrown downstairs and shit like that. You know, there's a lot of people who got bad albums, look at the cars, came out with the first one and came out with a heavy duty album for the second one. So there is a lot of exceptions.

Do you follow me? There's a lot of fucking exceptions to the game here. The third album, we come back, we're still doing heroin, it's good heroin, we got it direct from China. So the album is real good, but on the tour for the third album, the bass player hit the guitar playing the head with a fucking, with a triangle, and everybody ended up going on a rehab. So now they come out of rehab and they try to write the original shit that they wrote

for the third album, and they can't do it. They can't do it because they're not high. So the fourth album takes a knock, and then the fifth album is one of the best things you ever listened to in your life. Because now they're sober, now they've got their rhythm, now they've accepted each other. You know, but again, all this goes out the window when I talked to you about Aerosmith. Because Aerosmith, right? Aerosmith put out five devils and then died, you know, then put out, done with mirrors.

You might as well shoot your head through a fucking mirror when you listen to that album. Then they put out another bad one, and then they had their explosion with Walk This Way, with Run DMC. So it's all different. I try to keep it, you know, I never wrote a fucking sensational special. I think I had pretty good albums, I love my, it's just you or the priest. So now what I'm trying to do is capture something in that vein. I've prepared as much as I can.

So after Uncle Vinny's, I wasn't blown over by my performance, it's not like I taped it and listened to it. My goal was to go up there and just get it over and push through fucking 15 to 20 minutes without starting to crack. A lot of people don't understand fucking when you don't get on stage for three minutes is a fucking eternity, guys. I don't even, if you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, you'll never understand.

You know, Mike and I were making comparisons before about what you do before you get into a business and you know what's going on and how you would act towards it. We were talking about different things, you know, how sometimes I don't understand things. And then after I've lived them, now I have a little compassion for what that guy was saying, something that an artist might say a musician, Eric Clapton, you know, Eric Clapton has been talking some shit in the news lately. I'm just bringing up Eric because I like him, you know, whatever. He's getting old, guys.

He's getting fucking old. Everybody takes what he's got to say to heart, you know. What's happened, you bad motherfucker? Sorry to interrupt my fucking soliloquy there. The joint is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. You might not realize it, but headaches, teeth grinding and digestive issues can be indicators of stress. Other stress indicators include sleeping too little or too much, under eating and

overeating, but simply stress shows up in all kinds of ways. And the world that's telling you to do more, this is how you remind her to take care of yourself, do less and maybe try a little therapy. I never believed in therapy in the couple of years ago. I bumped into a wall and I called the guys at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone and live chat sessions with a therapist. So you don't have to, if you don't want to see somebody on camera, you don't

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You just want to get it over with. And that was my plan for this week. Now I have to buckle up and that's where the Bertdorch comes in. You know, Bert called me a couple of days and I was like, I don't know if I want to do these and then I agree. I said, yeah, I'm interested. Let's talk on Monday. And his people calling me asking me to pick four dates on my guys.

I'm not ready for this shit yet. For all you people who hit me up this week. And we're like, are you doing this? Are you doing Savannah? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. You know, it's the two weekend tour. I'm either doing the first week or the fucking second week.

It's four fucking nights. And this is why I'm doing it. Number one, I'm with family. I'm with Bert. So I feel a lot fucking comfortable. I think I'm jumping on the bus with them to smell feet, nuts, sacks and assholes. Why not?

You know what I'm saying? If you fucking going to go to Rome, why not? Went in Rome. Plus, there's no pressure on me. The headliner has all the pressure. I'm just doing a fucking strong 20. I walk off the stage and I go to the bus and smoke my reefer, go to the hotel, nappy, new, new time.

That's it. It's a no pressure for fucking days, not to mention for years. I've been sitting here talking to you guys about camps. When I was a kid, I went to camp. And how if I took you and played ball with you three nights a week, if I took you and did comedy with you three nights a week for 90 days, and then we sat down and I evaluated everything, you'd make improvements. You fucking definitely make improvements.

Three sets a week times four. That's 12 times three. That's 36 fucking sets. We would see some improvement. We would see better entries into fucking whatever segues. We would see funny and material. We would work on our opening to go out there and grab them by the fucking neck, just go out there and fucking grab them.

So now you have them in your side, how to explore that. You know, we would, we would fucking polish all that shit down to a fucking tee. It's, it's, it's 20 minutes. It's four sets. I'm not going to, you know, if I go three in one, it'd be a success. If I ate a bag of dicks in Mississippi, you know, it's the Bible belt. I'm going to go head to head with them. You know what I'm saying?

I'm going to go up there and go, I'm going to bang them out. And they're either going to push back or they're going to fucking laugh. You know what I'm saying? So that's all the things I got to work on now. I know I got to work on these things. And then my plan is it's the summertime. If you think I'm going to be on fucking planes or something, you got nothing coming. It's not happening.

I got the girls. I'm going to the Carolinas. Mike is getting married. My friend's getting married September 3rd. I got a shit going on. What I'm going to do is I'm going to keep writing, popping up, doing different spots. No fucking gigs. There's no reason to go out there and waste your fucking time.

What I was saying to you guys earlier, when I was in LA, I would do working out with Uncle Joey, but I always had 20 to 25 minutes that I was rotating around and branching out. Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? So I don't know. We're talking about fucking truck drivers. So I would have the foundation and then I would branch out. Guess what, guys?

I would love to do a working out with Uncle Joey now, but I have zero minutes. So it's going to be a long 45 minutes. Do you understand? A long 45 minutes. So that's the reason I'm not doing any of these gigs. Maybe by the end of the summer, I'll put together an open mic where I could do 15 upfront solid and at least showcase three dudes, four dudes. That's an idea I had at the stress factory at Uncle Vinny's.

You know, that's an idea. It's close. I'd be helping some young guys out. They'd be helping me out by doing the fucking show. That's an idea, you know, but again, there's nothing strenuous. I know exactly how I want to do it. I got a family and I got the kids in the neighborhood. I got fucking jiu-jitsu.

I'm loving. I love doing my little working out. I love doing the podcast. So I want to keep everything in balance. I don't want to kill myself and I don't want to get. I don't. It's not going to get out of control again. But I'll tell you 150 percent that I'm not even in the mood for that.

They know not to even call. There's some people that have called and I've just said, listen, there's this call call. What are you doing? You know, I just got fucking 10 minutes, if that. If you think I'm going to start, you know, if you guys want, you know, if you don't think agents already can contact me, let's book dates in September.

If you don't want to do them, cancel them. I don't want people to fucking intelligent, you know, people just went through two years of fucking misinformation and getting bullshitted and getting their mouths taken from them and getting everything taken from your jobs, your fucking cubicle. I'm not doing that to people, you know, let's shoot straight with people. Let's establish trust in the fucking community again. Let's establish trust with the people that we listen to again.

I mean, you know, I hope I didn't give you guys any bad information throughout the fucking the last couple of years. I just told you to put your chin down and fucking keep moving forward. You know, don't let this shit take you down. And I wish we all fucking stuck to that fucking plan. You know, we did, we did wrong here. We're alive and kicking. We lost a battle.

We lost a few in the battle of Enzio, but besides that, in the battle of FaceTime and motherfuckers, but besides that, it all fucking worked out. Now we're going for a fucking for an unsolicited fucking try again. I mean, people are saying the numbers are coming back. Philadelphia brought back the mask. Monday, Philadelphia brought back the mask, guys. And I got to be honest with you, this is a fucking glorified headache. Because my friend got it up in Northburg and he said, this one was,

this one was a sneeze. That's how he knew he had it. He kept sneezing. He thought it was allergies. And then he felt something in his throat and he went home and he got to say it wasn't even the three days that I'm the crime was. So I know what the fuck to tell you, motherfuckers. All I know is that, listen, man, I'm happy.

I'm making forward park progress. We all have to, this was a rough period for a lot of people. I don't know what the fuck went down with me. I have a couple of believe it or not. My allergies were fucking bad this week. That quaff and I do, that's my allergies. And then do the sneeze and I almost crashed the car at the light and shit. Cause you gotta pull over cause you keep making these weird fucking noises.

So I even had, like I told somebody that day, somebody comes to you today and tells you they got bad allergies, listen to them because I had them. And for me to fucking get them, I haven't had an allergy since the fucking this maple syrup shit and dogs and stuff like that. And every once in a while, I get allergic to dogs. And at the beginning of allergy season, I usually get a little fucking sniffle. But this Wednesday, I think I was going to acupuncture, I almost crashed the fucking car on the nine dog.

I started coughing and tearing up. And when I cough, I get fucking paranoid. I'm like, oh, I got TB or whatever the fucking. But then when I tear up and shit like that, I go, OK, it's my allergies. I'll come home and take a clarinet. And that's it. But I need, I can tell I need to take one fucking today.

Yeah, it's it's it's crazy when you have allergies and shit like that. But I got everything I got allergies. I got a fun guy toenail. I got fucking anxiety. I got I got a lot of fucking problems. But I'm excited about this week, man. This week, we got to prove our fucking point. It's four twenty and, you know, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do yet.

I have no idea. I was thinking about going into the city and seeing Rachel over at the stand. Um, but a lot of these, nobody's at the stand that night. No R.E., no big J. Oakson, none of those guys. And I feel like a bully. Like when you walk into those clubs and there's a lot of young comics, I always feel like that fucking, what's that old guy doing here?

Come on, man. He already did what he had to do. It's our chance to fucking like I'm one of those guys. I'm very fucking self, whatever. I'm like, I feel embarrassed sometimes. You know, I know what it is to be a young comic. I know what it is to be a young comic and to have a set for 10 minutes on a Wednesday in New York City and for some guy to come in and for them

to say, hey, you can only do five minutes. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't like doing that to people. I don't. It's like when you, you know, jujitsu is a very compassionate sport because I'm not I'm not punching you in the head and making you bleed. If you're my friend, then I can't bite humanity. All I want to do is maybe choke you and put you to sleep, maybe control you,

maybe just show you a little pain with a Kamara and go, knock it off. You know, this is what we have to do when in another situation, you know, I could kick you in the stomach. I would kick you in the nutsack and blood will come out of your dick while we're kicking the stomach while we're kicking the fucking head, which jujitsu is very compassionate, you know, when I got into comedy, I was very compassionate and I very am compassionate because it's all, it all rose up. Trust me, guys, I'm not going to say I've had my minutes.

I've had my moments, you know, that some young comics think they know what all they want to get in your face and you got to tell me, slow down. I've been doing this for 20 years. You've been doing this for everything, but three fucking minutes slow to fuck down. You know, that has happened. And then the comic will come back to you in years later. And go, Hey, man, thanks for that night. I didn't know.

And then most comics do trust me. I'm telling you, but now that I'm older and I'm, you know, listen, uh, I was doing comic every other weekend. I was, I went from doing clubs to theaters. You guys know what's at the comedy store. I know a lot of comics and after the transition two years ago, I don't know a lot of these comics. I look at the, the lineups at the store.

You know, I was at the store for 23 years, but I don't know those people. You know, not, not that them, that doesn't mean they're bad comics. That just means I'm getting fucking old. I look at the comics that, uh, the comedy seller, you know, I know Rob Bobby Kelly and I know, you know, Jim Norton. I know a lot of those guys, but I don't know everybody. These guys came out of nowhere and I'm sure if they're at the cell of that fucking great comics, I'm sure that they're at the comedy store.

They're great comics, but it's their turn now. It's that fucking turn now. If I want to go out, I could go on the road and do weekends and shit like that. But during the week, the workout things, I mean, listen, there's no rules to say I can't show up, but I'm just letting you know how I feel sometimes. If I walk in a room and it was there and Jim Norton, I don't feel too bad because I'm not the only bully in the fucking room. You know what I'm saying?

But if I walk in and these young guys look at me and they're like, ah, you know, I'm sure two of the comics ago, it's nice to have you here. I watched you last week at the stress factor. I saw you last year at DC, you know, it's kind of nice. But then again, on the other hand, and maybe they're not thinking or saying this at all, that's the paranoid, that's the paranoid, paranoid mind of a comic. Maybe they're never thinking this at all. Maybe I'm just fucking worrying about nothing for no reason.

Maybe they'll like that. Maybe they'll all hate that I'm there. I don't fucking know. Well, I don't, I don't know. I don't, I don't feel like this, you know, I don't feel like that. It's not even to do it humble. Like you don't even, I don't feel like that sometimes because it's like, what the fuck?

I just don't want to crash on that parade, you know? You know, many times people tell like eight people from their work. You know, many times you have a day job, you just transition into standup, Louis CK brought you into Connecticut for a gig with him. You're just getting into standup. You're thinking about quitting your day job. And all of a sudden you're like, you know what? I am going to quit my day job.

I'm going to book a night at the stand and I'm going to invite my employees and after I kill, I'm going to tell them that's Doug. I've been in a lot of, I've done a lot of comedy shows, Mike. And you'd be surprised. And you go, you know, after I kill, I'm going to tell the audience that I'm quitting my day job and I'm going to do comedy professionally. So I did it, you know, you do fatty shit like that. That's, you know, and what if I'm the guy that fucking goes up before him

and destroys his night? I don't know him. And that was his plan to go up there, kill for eight minutes and then quit comedy. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, listen, the chances of this happening guys are slim and none, but it fucking happens. And then you got to feel like a fucking asshole. Afterward, when the guy's crying and shit like that, because he,

he's not even cut out to be like a comic. He's like, well, those guys are going to do comedy for two years. And then he's going to join an improv troupe troupe and somebody's going to sneeze on him or something. He's going to go, fuck this. I'm going back to the office. So it's like I'm one of those guys that I respect the youth. I wish I could put together a night where, but then again, I couldn't.

Like what Tony does, we kill Tony, but give them constructive criticism. Like do constructive criticism. But then again, you can't judge a comic. Listen, I'm going to tell you guys a lot of things. I can't judge you in three minutes. Mitzi sure could. I couldn't, you know, I couldn't. God bless her.

If you sent like this, a kid that's been walking me on Twitter, if you send me material, I can't, I can't judge it. I got to see you in front of 30 people and I could be a judge. Now there's a problem with that. Do you think I'd come up to you and tell you his jokes sucked? You know how many shitty jokes I have? So do you understand me? I'm not one of those guys.

Like I like to, I could do something for you in a positive, but then I wouldn't really be helping you. Do you know what I'm trying? If everything was roses, I wouldn't be helping you. I'm not the, what I'm fucking saying is I'm not the guy to tell you that you suck, you need help. Why don't you get my environmental writing package and I could go out to like, you know, I'm not that guy, I'm not that fucking guy.

That's going to tell you that, you know, either you got like, whenever I go up to somebody, it's because that's fucking killing. When I went up to Eric Rocha, when I went up to the Agostino, when I went up to, you know, fucking Matt Fulton, who? When I went up to Rachel, when I went up to all these people's because I saw something, I didn't go up to them and go, Hey, you're fucking show sucked. What's that?

Yeah, the show, I can't, I can't do that to somebody. You know, when all that show, all those people were saying all that shit to me, those women, there was one woman that I went up to the store a couple of times and this girl was really pretty, really quiet and really sweet. Okay, and guys, I got a daughter, you know, you know, I ask sometimes I say some crazy shit. We were in the green room and just, you know, like I kept doing a show. I think it was Sarah Mello show.

I miss Sarah Mello. She books a good show and she's really cute. And the girls that would come were like, they're fucking cute. She had one friend that we talk about weight watches all the time, a little chunky, cute girl, but there was a girl that she always put up that she was helping out. I'm sure the girl told I'm just going to come up here for free. You know, girl was fucking beautiful.

But it wasn't Kim Kardashian, beautiful, like hot to try. It was like natural, beautiful, something that's really rough to say. She was really, really naturally beautiful. And I saw up there like three times and she would call me Uncle Joey and shit. I got to kick out of it. And one night I get there and I fucking sit on the couch and I look up at her and she had a great body. You know, she just had a great body.

It just comes with it when you're that age, you know, and I couldn't take it no more because when I was coming in one of the weeks, I watched her for a little while and I'm like, this fucking girl is funny, you know, but I only had one problem where there had a problem that her tits were fucking ginormous. And they stuck out like two machine guns. Yeah. So I was in the green room and she's like, Hey, Uncle Joey, how are you doing? I'm like, Hey, can I talk to you?

Not right away. I didn't just go in there and go, can I, she said something to me. We're talking back and forth. And I go, Hey man, can I talk to you for a second outside? I go, listen, I go, I was watching last week and you're pretty fucking funny. You know, you really are funny. I mean, yeah, you're not ready to call CAA and tell them to book you a radio city, but you're fucking funny.

You're on your way. You know, you know, when people on that way, you're like, okay, if this guy's doing this now and he's, and I've seen him up here like eight times, he's on his way. So I said to I go, you're saying some great shit, but those weapons you have there, they're weapons of mass destruction. Yeah, they're weapons of mass destruction that aren't needed. And you're killing on a match.

So if you're killing on the match, why would you put those there? That clunky girls are not going to like it. And she was like, you know what, man, I really appreciate that. And that night I saw later on and she goes, it worked. I went up there and I covered them. How did you know? 30 fucking, you know, you just go to shows and you start doing, you don't even have to say nothing to the girl.

I just watch her and then I'll watch the girl with little tits that hides them and I'll see who did better. You know, and after you see who did better, you're like, oh, those things just get in the fucking way. You know, so she came up to me. She's like, that's what I could do for you. I could twist you, do little things like, like when Matt Barry said to me, hey, you need to fucking wear a nice shirt.

You're going up on stage with a fucking t-shirt wet. Nobody had, you didn't have time to iron a shirt. What happened? You know, there's all those little things, you know, how to grab. I could tell the, I could tell. I'm trying to say the greenness or the immaturity and they're both, I could tell when somebody's not experienced by why they're holding the mic. So if you came to, if you came to my club and I was showcasing you, not that

I have a club and not that I would ever showcase anybody, but if I was showcasing you, even if you had good material, I shouldn't say this to you, but it's true the way you hold your elbow up, pinky elbow, I could tell how inexperienced you are and I couldn't hire you for the big, big rooms for the little rooms. I could cause it doesn't matter. But just the way these people that carry their elbow out, it's got to be tucked into your rib and it's little things like that. You know, if I ever had the time to figure it all out, I would like to write a

book, it would take me like 10 years and we think this one took me fucking. And the release date on my book is May 20th to 23. The date just got, the date just got released on Thursday. It went into the book convention or something like that. So guys, I can't push it up. I can't speed it up. Obviously I'm not the rock or Mark Wahlberg or any of those motherfuckers that could call up the publisher and say, I want my book out tomorrow.

I don't have that type of juice. So I guess we'll wait until May 20th and until then, I'll tell you a story a month just to keep your fucking alive. How's that? Talk suckers. I'm thinking of doing a story telling show May at the comedy underground over in the village. Just get my story chops going up too.

So there you have it, motherfuckers. You see, you think I was going to show up on a Monday with no explanations. But Uncle Joey showed up in a beautiful fucking Monday, the 18th ready to rock. This is a big week, big week and more reasons than one. But the guys from laughing gas are coming out. They're going to bring some fucking the new rainbow ruts. And there's another brand that bring him out.

That's up to date. So we'll be excited there. And that's it, motherfuckers. And 421 is legal in Jersey, plus cops could eat edibles in Jersey. So I'm going to be dosing a bunch of motherfuckers. So if you see a cop swerving with his one light on, Uncle Joey dropped the 200 ABX on that motherfucker. That's it.

And that's that. I love you, motherfuckers. It's Monday. We got a fun field week going and I don't know what else to fucking tell you. I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. We're in a great position. And like Jimmy Smith says, the son of anarchy, you guys wanted me back.

I'm back. Hey, Vatos, I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. Do not forget I'm going to take care of you, motherfuckers. If you go to the ice cream shop on 420, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do for you real quick, because I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. I don't want you to think that, you know, fucking Joey moves to Jersey. He forgets about all of us.

It's never going to be that way. So what I'm going to do is this for you, motherfucker. If you come in to. The motherfucking ice cream shop, if you buy an eighth, if you buy laughing gas at the shop will be by two, get one free. Plus the shop will also be giving 25% off everything that day. So if you like the A B X capsules, 100 milligrams, 50 milligrams, 25 sleepy time, the Kikomo T is going to be on fucking sale.

You know, all that shit you guys like. Plus rainbow ruts, white truffle, sashimi by fucking to get one free. How's that for you, motherfuckers? After 25% off. So we're going to take care of you. I'm not sure what the other shops are going to be offering that have a laughing gas. They might have discounts also.

If I hear anything, I will tweet you motherfuckers or Instagram you motherfuckers. But besides that, it's all over, but they're shouting. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I speak, I appreciate the fucking support. And now for a motherfucking word from our sponsor, Jack. All right, I want to thank you bad motherfuckers for everything you do for me, for your support, the love, but the join is brought to you by it's for 20 week, how we're not going to fucking be sponsored by the best fucking

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If you could smoke from it, freeze pipe makes it. The joint is also brought to you by better help. Listen to me, everybody has problems from time to time. Whether it's headaches, teeth grinding, anxiety, listen, better help or put you back together, tip, top, magoo. Listen, stress shows up in a lot of ways. Anxiety shows up in a lot of ways. And in that, you know, in a way that's the world telling you to do more, but

this is your reminder to take care of yourself, do less and maybe try a little therapy, talk to some people, let them know what's on your mind, what's on the hang now, let them know how you feel. Ever since I've been with better help, you guys have seen it. I'm not stuttering anymore. I got more confidence. In other words, Uncle Joey's back because it's customized online therapy that offers your video phone or even live chat sessions with a therapist.

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I want to thank BetterHelp, Zip Recruiter and the freeze pipe. But most importantly, I want to thank you savages for all the support. I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday morning. Tip, Top and Johnny McGoo. I love you. Stay Black.