Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #156 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: March 5, 2014

Joey's Uncle and Comedian Jerry Rocha are live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 03/04/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is a binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv, pc, smart phone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash joey that's HuluPlus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church that's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. This show is also sponsored by Naturebox where you can order great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and french toast granola.

Support this podcast and get 50% off that's half off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey that's naturebox.com promo code Joey and again thank you to nail that live.com for all of you oil and wax smokers out there. Check out the premiere vapor vapor pan on the market at naileditlife.com. Don't forget to enter the discount code joeyds that's no spaces joeyds and get 20% off of your order. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We know about that lead. What? Oh, shit. My uncle's in the house. Jerry Lamanico is now the special Tuesday night Wednesday morning type podcast to get your shit going. Go leave. Browse that motherfucker. You're gonna dance tonight. You're slipping. Oh, shit. We already ate a half of edible. He's gonna finish the other piece. I got my uncle going nuts

in the bongos over here drinking water. Firewater 48 hours. Firewater motherfucker. What's up? What's happening? At least I feel fine. Go Lee. Tuesday night. You ain't doing dick. You're at home contemplating killing yourself. Who the fuck you can sit down, smoke a bone, kick up and let's do this shit. Oh, shit. Kick it, Lee. Frank that motherfucker, Lee. Whoa. Oh, oh, motherfucking shit tonight. Load that, Lee. You're killing me. He's supposed to be DJ Melly Mel. What's happening, brother? I don't even need the headphones because Theo's just keeping the beat. That was great. I was down. I didn't need the headphones. Lazaros dropping. Hey, Lee, where you been all day? You don't call your all day unpacking. What are

you fucking unpacking? Pack up. What the fuck did you pack up? I've been talking to you for a week now. I gotta go home and unpack. I gotta go home and unpack. What do you do? You take one cup and then you watch ESPN. You smell the hummus, you eat some chips. Did you pack the juicer? Yes. You just asked me that question. Who loves you more than me? How you doing? Everything all right? You have a good day today? I had a great day today. What'd you do today? Had a podcast with Rick Ramos, had a podcast with Josh Wolf and Sarah Gologna. What you doing between that? I went home, had lunch, unpacked a little bit and took a nap. How long was that for? About 45 minutes. What'd you dream about? I bought a life where I didn't have

people bothering me all the time with questions. Nobody fucking bothers me. I have to unpack in a day. If I move somewhere, I can't fuck around. If I can't go to bed with a box full of shit still on it. It drives me crazy. Right? It just gotta do it all done. Get it all out of the way. Holly is little. He packed everything. He packed posters. Of course. What are you going to do? Throw it away? They had good fellas. He had more fucking Hollywood pictures than Hollywood. Some man's Chinese Steady over there. Yeah, I like movie posters. You connect all your movie posters? That's pretty neat. How long have you been collecting them for? No, just a year. I would usually buy new ones every time I moved, but I just I haven't bought new ones yet. And you buy

the post and they frame it for you? Sometime. That was new. I usually went to Target and bought the cheap poster hangers frames. But I actually got a couple. And you make your own frames? No. Just the plastic ones at Target. And you do those yourself is what I'm saying. You don't take it to a frame. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just it's just a cardboard. It's just a cardboard back and you put little plastic things on the sides. Just I'm not too old to have like tape on the walls. What's in the house tonight? What's up deal? Everything all right? Everything is okay. How you doing? I'm doing good. How old are you now? 75. You look fucking great. I was looking at you walking. He looks good. He takes he walks five miles in Griffin Park every day.

You have to. How long have you been doing that for? A long time. How long? 40, 50 years. You've been walking five miles a day Griffin Park. Well, sometimes more sometimes less depend on how you feel. That's amazing. You have to you sleep good. You can go more you sleep a little you just go a little bit. That's three miles, four, five, six, seven, even eight miles. And you believe walking is the best exercise there is. You don't need Obamacare if you walk. You don't need a doctor. That's true. Straightens out your whole spine straightens out your back. No pressure on your knees like like people who run like idiots just running as fast as they can, where you're just trashing your knees to hell by doing that, especially on concrete. You're crazy. You know,

just walking. You're five miles a day. Forget it that you're be fine. You will be five. You walked five miles a day that every day you would be in tremendous shape. I mean, in New York, I walked a lot from you have to 94 when I went back to New York. My body wasn't still in shock. I was still in that walking shape. Yeah, from being in high school and growing up that it's amazing the damage I used to do. I used to walk over to George Washington Bridge and sometimes just walk 175th down just walked like couldn't do it no more. That was like 148th, 143rd. That's 50 fucking blocks on the bridge. That's 50 blocks on the bridge. And that's three hours of walking, you know, I would walk on purpose because I didn't have a car when I remember I lived in Queens.

And I would just take the train dropping right off at Times Square. And I would go all the way down to the village. I would go all the way up to Spanish Harlem sometimes. And that was I mean, if I had a day where I had nothing to do, I had a show late at night. Fuck it. That's what I would do. I lost the most weight I've ever lost in my life just with a year that I lived in New York City because walked, walked, walked. That's all you did. And you just end up liking it. But you actually end up like loving it. Like I stepped in homeless people shit. And I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna keep walking. I'm having too much fun. Like I'm just gonna scrape it off as I go. I don't care. I'm gonna keep going. What made you start walking to you? I don't know. I guess I got that from Cuba.

You used to walk a lot in Cuba? Run Cuba run a lot from the police. No, you didn't deal. No, but you used to run a lot in Cuba on the beach as a kid or? Practice. I practice just go to the park. I used to go to the ballpark. I see the ball players stretching out. You know, I mean, look at them as they run, they walk back. And it's right there. I play a lot of baseball in Cuba. What year did you come here to you? 1956. Wow. December 16, 1956. Nine days before Christmas. No fucking country. One day before my birthday. Yeah, your birthday. So how Americanized was Cuba when you were living there? Because that's when it was still a big tourist spot, right? Like that was America's like Godfather too. Americans were

there all the time, weren't they? Oh, yes. You know, I started talking about Cuba and a lot of the Cuban whom like about, you know, my views, right? Right. So it means who gives a fuck. People don't like my views. I saw a lot of, you know, a lot of crap in Cuba, where I was living in Cuba, right before Fidel. I didn't know Fidel from, you know, and Cuba was still suck dick. Cuba, a few people had all the money and a lot of people were poor. Sometimes I go play baseball, I come home, nothing to eat, nothing. I send my little brother, go get me some bread from some lady there, buy a lot of bread, bring me a couple pieces of bread. Sometimes I send him a couple of times. He said, well, you already sent me one time.

You don't have no more bread. You want to try again? And she'll go and she'll get it. That's the thing that when when it's that poor, like, you know, I told you my whole family's from Mexico, we would always go in my family's from Laredo, Texas, we'd always go in Nueva Laredo. And when I was a little kid, my grandpa would take my great grandpa would take me to go get a haircut. And I was like four years old, and I would go play soccer in the streets with these little kids. You can't do that now. Like there's no way a white looking kid could go he would get kidnapped or whatever, because there's it just got so bad. And so remember that scene in Godfather 2, when they're stuck in traffic in Havana,

and the rebel jumps into the police car and blows it up. And Michael says, well, that's why they're going to win, because he's not getting paid to do that. He's not going to pay to do that. He's doing that. He's not getting a paycheck for that. That's I mean, that's when those countries are so poor, they have to have something to turn to. You know, you have to have something to rally around whatever to give you any kind of hope. And even if it's the wrong dude, if he gives you that little bit of hope, fuck it, you're just going to run with it. It's scary. It's amazing how in my whole life, I've met two people who said that Cuba was no paralyzed before Fidel. You, this Panamanian lady in New Jersey said that Cuba was even worse. That's

if it was very racist. Yes. He spoke about how racist it was. Police would beat you up in the corner for no reason. And you see three or four guys standing up, you know, just talking in the corner. That's the way we do in Cuba. And the guy said, I don't see no more. I don't want to see no more than two people standing this way. Go. And Batista's regime is that bad, too? Right. Right. Well, he took over by force in 1952. And who did he take over from? A guy named Prio, Carlos Prio. And how bad was he? I don't know. I was just a kid. Who cared? Whatever. But I used to, there was no water. No water. You have to, my mother had to fill up bottles from 11, from 10 to 11 at night because the water got shut down. To have a cup to see no water. So you

get all kinds of bottles of water and you just fill them up. That used to be the deal. Now, I was in Cuba in 79 as a tourist. I went down there to see my family. I got arrested. So, you know, you can say things about Batista, but then I got a Cuba. And they take me to dinner. We went to that beautiful town Baradero, but they had a beautiful beach in Matanzas. And we're standing outside a restaurant there. And the restaurant's closed four o'clock. And we see the people moving things inside. So, there comes this black guy from Cuba and he started talking to my sister, you know, and he says, let me go talk to the manager here, see what's going on. So, he goes inside the restaurant and I hear an argument.

I said, well, let me go inside and see what happened. The black guy was arguing with, you know, you got these people inside. It's raining. And I told the black guy, hey, let's get out of here, man. And the manager said, you shut up. Me? I said, you pull the shit. And I walked outside. So, five minutes later, he opened up the restaurant. We went inside to eat. We eating and then they come to the police. I see the guy pointing at me and pointing at the black guy. The policeman came and he told me, finish eating. I'm going to have to arrest you. And my sister get up and say, why? Why charge? Well, he said some things about Fibero Castle. I told my sister, well, I can't eat anymore. So, let's go. The guy said, let me have your passport.

This policeman took my passport. So, he says, I cannot take him in my police car because he's not from here. But he had to follow me. So, I followed the guy to the police station, go over there, sit around. My mother was there too, you know, your grandma. She was there. My grandmother. Yes, just sitting around. All of a sudden, they come three guys. He says, okay, you come with us. The guy, you know, we drove around Havana for about 15 minutes. Then he stopped in this house, knock on the door. I was staying. The guy started yelling, I was staying. I was staying, opens up the door and I see him like a

wiping out his eye like he was sleeping. He told me, I got one for you here. One for you. So, we go into a little room like this. I was still sitting, well, he's sitting down there and I'm here. I'm not trying to make a conversation to get the feeling of what's happening until I was there. This is a beautiful day here. The guy said, the guy, don't look at me. This is beautiful. Don't I? The guy would look at me and say, what the hell is going on? Shit. Nothing. All of a sudden, three more guys came in. We got to go to immigration. They took me to immigration. There was this little black guy over there, officer.

What did you say at the restaurant to this man? Because he said, you said, never know, Casual sucked dicks. I said, no. I said, I don't care what that guy said. He can say anything to him, but I didn't say what he said. I said, that's all. Then the policeman says, the guy from immigration, I don't believe you and I don't believe this guy. Get him out of here. Back to the station. So, let me go. But they said, you're gonna have a trial tomorrow. Nine o'clock in the morning. Trying for what? Because of what you said. So, nine o'clock, guys have to be here. I don't have no passport, so you don't have to do it.

So, we went. I saw a lot of little trials, like somebody stole a chicken from somebody. You know, people just say. Civil court. Judge Judy over there. It's three o'clock. It's three o'clock in the afternoon. We're still there. And I said, can I speak to the judge, please? He said, okay, I go in this room. I said, listen, where I come from, if there's no accuser, I go. He says, no, we're gonna go get that guy. But you're gonna find him. But we know he's okay. There comes the guy around, yeah, three, thirty-four o'clock. And the trial starts. They call the black guy because he accused the black guy also. But the black guy was communism. Black guys stand up. They ask him, what did you say?

What did he say? The black guy said, listen, whatever this fool says, if Lázaro has said what this guy said he says, I would have cracked his head wide open. So, the guy sat down. They call the policeman. The policeman name had my same name. This is the guy hitting this. So, the policeman said, they asked the policeman, was Lázaro drunk? No. Was Lázaro angry? No. Was Lázaro talking now? No. So, it's okay, sit down. Now they call me. And they asked me, well, what do you say there? I said that this guy was, I said, I don't know if I'm allowed to say what I say, but he said, say it. I say, come here. It's full of shit. That's what I say.

And the judge said to me, listen, the country where you came from, maybe they talk that way, but not in Cuba. And I wanted to tell the judge, I learned it here, but I couldn't. I could still be in Cuba with a long beard probably. I learned that here. I didn't learn it in the United States. We don't use words like that in the United States. So, it told me to get out. That's amazing that we here could talk like, there's sometimes when I hear people alone about the president, whether it's Obama or whatever, badminton, Bush years ago, the Bush fucking beaters came out the last two years, the indigo girls, where the fuck are they today? They can't even rent the fucking studio. They can't even do fucking theater anymore

with their fucking guitars for speaking up. What happened to the indigo girls? Then weren't they the ones that talked about Bush? Dixie Chicks, too. Dixie Chicks, too. What the fuck? They're done. That's it, done. Like those fucking Harry Pussy Band in Russia without the new Chicks, the pussy. Pussy, right? How many times they got beat up? Yeah, man. They don't fuck around. But you know what's different, though? What's different is a lot. A lot of people yelling. You want another one? That's yelling his name. He's got to finish that. There you go. I got it right here. He hasn't finished one yet. He had a quarter on Monday. I let him go. He never walked on Monday. He didn't get the hundred dollar bill from me. I sent him

on a mission. I go, go home on this. I don't go for sleep. I go, walked over the tour in the center walk. You didn't walk to the tour. You know, you know, I'm a juke. How are you going to give me a yard? I did too. Walk to the tour. You got to the front of your house. You looked around. You looked at the rain cloud like by Orange County. You ran back inside like a Jew and you said, fuck, it's going to rain now. You don't think I know, but I know. Eat that gum. It's either. So all it would have taken was one person to have lied and said, no, he said that about this from a year in prison. That's right. It just one guy could have been full of shit. Just some walking. No, no, I heard him say that and that's all. The black guy is the black guy says

anything like that. I'm another black guy was a strict up communist. Yeah. How did you know he was a straight up communist? Because he said over there, he took all his papers. I'm belong to the communist party so and so. And it's this kid has said what this guy says. He says, I would have cracked his head wide open right there where he was. Wow. So they just, man, I'm fucking lucky away. That's what I think is a lot of people here like to watch news stories and complain about, you know, and yeah, a lot of people do get fucked over by cops here, but a lot of you see these blogs and we're living in a police state. No, we're not. That's this is that's a police state. You know what I mean? This is yeah, I mean, there definitely definitely cops who fuck people over

and brutal, you know, but we still have certain freedoms here that you just can't get anywhere else. It's amazing how they you know, it's just it's I never knew it was like that in Cuba. So I knew some guys that came in 79 and they were living in San Francisco and I was living in San Francisco 85 and they were telling me stories about Cuba and my fucking jaw dropped. And that's when I got a full appreciation for the whole. Yeah, I got appreciation for some Cuban things. But I also got like a lot of appreciation for the American things that we were able to talk about when we went that night and we met with Emmy and we went to Cantor's Deli in Hollywood. We were talking about Stay Away to Heaven. How they had an album and they had to pass around

if you got caught with the album, you went to jail. And when they were singing it, I learned that night that you know, whether there's communism, whether you rock and roll, you can't hold it down. This was we weren't even talking about drugs or something bad. We were talking about music. How that's when I learned the power of fucking music. Look, look, there was as racist as America was, right? Chuck Berry got his dick sucked by a lot of white chicks back in the 50s. You know what I mean? Chuck Berry got his dick sucked by a ton of white chicks as racist and they probably were racist too. They put a music it just does something to come out of his mouth and said you're fucking nigga. Yeah. They probably did. That's the worst thing in the world. Yeah. But he'd got his dick

sucked by what he was banging white chicks all the time. You ever hear that? Remember years ago, Rogan had a bit about the most places where they watched mixed races in the South having sex. That's where the biggest demand is for mixed race tapes. White women fucking black guys, black guys fucking white. The Klan leader. You heard about this, right? No. This is the greatest story you should Google this. The leader, one of the main guys in the fucking KKK, maybe two years ago, got busted because he was, he himself was filming just a train of black dudes fucking his life all the time. He was filming it. He was putting these porn together and it was the head of the Klan, the head of the KKK. What was Fidel doing to him? Oh my god. What was that? Letting some black

guy fuck his wife 20 times over. It was like he had a room full of black dudes. Is that the guy? Is that the one? Lee, is that how you're pulling up? It didn't come up. So before you came from Cuba in 1956, Cuba was already bad. There were bombs exploding in restaurants. Fidel was beginning to, you know, make noise. But, you know, what happened with me, it just shows that some guys want to be a hero. Like, hey, I found this guy, said something about Fidel. Maybe I was a big fish. I was nothing. I was nothing. Because even at immigration, listen how stupid this guy was, the immigration officer, he asked me, what kind of work do you used to do in Cuba? I said, well, I work in a theater. He says, used to own it? What do you do? I said, I used to sweep the place.

I mean, he don't check my age. I wasn't old enough to own anything when I was in Cuba. I didn't even have a bicycle. So yeah, the guy asked me, you know, he's looking for a connection. Why I said what this guy said, I said, he's looking for. Maybe this guy, we took his theater, and he's pissed. And I wasn't pissed or nothing. But we had what he had to do. He said, I used to clean up the place. So how old were you when you came here, Fidel? Nineteen. And you came by yourself? Right. And what did you have to do in Cuba in those days to come here? I don't know. You just go to the fucking airport and go, I want to come to the United States. No, you have to go through immigration, American Embassy. They ask you a question,

what you want to do? What is your plan? I want you to go to the doctor and get an X-ray to see if you're sick. You know, that's some kind of sickness. And that's it. But my auntie, she was the one that put the papers in. And she lived in New York, you said? Right. Right. She lived in New York. That was your, her grandmother's sister? Right. Right. And then you lived with her and my mother went off on her? Oh, yes. Well, there were three kids in there. And I wanted to stay, you know, my cousins, I wanted to stay. But she says, no, there's no room for you here. I said, oh, shit. Then I call your mother. She called a woman and carries her home. That was the end of that? That was the end of that. But you know, they called your mother after, after years after, to see if

she could get in her husband. That guy was in Canada, but he had tuberculosis. And if you had that kind of sickness at that time, you can come to this country. They will not allow you. Because that stuff, you just, I'll be talking to you and I breathe in you and I get TB. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At that time, it was no cure. Now there's nothing. Now it's, they give you a heart shot. So 1956, all you had to do was go to the fucking US embassy and go, I want to go to the United States. What's your plan? I'm going to get a job at a hotel. Yeah. Do you have any family yet? Yes, I do. Okay. Boom. Come by the fucking tomorrow. Can you imagine that? 1956. And a lot of the people came from Cuba, went to Las Vegas and got jobs in casinos, right? Oh, that was after 59 that Cuba

shut down. Yes, that's after 59. We saw a whole bunch of them. I'll tell you one thing. I was going to Cuba that same night. I left New York and I was going to Cuba. But I changed my mind and I came to California. I was working in New York for some guy called, his name was Ralph Nelson. He was one of the producers for the Twilight Zone. And I used to work in this hotel over there. And the guy said, listen, I like you. Would you like to come to California and work for us? I said, okay. I said, well, okay, I'm going down there anyway. But actually I was going to Cuba. But I changed my mind at the last minute. You were going to go back home? Yes. To stay? You were going to give up? No, no, no, no. I just, just, just to visit.

What was it like for, for Cuban people? Like, what did you do? What is the rate? Racist back then? What was it like for something like a 19 year old in a new country? Here, it's been missing for me here. It's been missing for me. Everything is gone. Just fine. I make money. Always work. Always. Did you come to California or were you in New York? New York. New York, okay. I didn't like New York. I didn't like the people. They were very cold, you know? Yeah. I live in an apartment house. New York's are cold. They got three or four rooms in there. And some guys screaming in the hallway. In the hallway and I tell this girl, let's open the door and help the guys. You know,

we don't do that here. Now see, they just let the guy in the hallway. So you always worked hard, you know? That's why it was kind of, you know, like from the time you got to New York, you were working. Right. And you were making money just the same way people come to this country and try to make a living. You weren't doing nothing wrong. No. You weren't like my mother. You weren't like your sister. No. No. You were just trying to make it. And then you hooked up with this guy. You came out here. Yeah. Rob Nelson. Rob Nelson. Where'd you move to then? Where did you, where'd you move to then? I got over here and I call him. He told me, last I don't, I got bad news for you. I have to go back to New York. They were staying at the

Chateau Marmont. Oh, well, that's what they, they, I was staying. He told me I'm staying here. He told me I got bad news for you. If you need any money, you want to go back, I'll give you some money. I said, no, it's okay. I'm okay. I'm staying here. That's it. And you stayed? I stayed. And how long did it take you to get a job when you were here? No, no, maybe a month. Well, how? Two weeks. And where'd you sleep at first? Hotel. The Cecil Hotel on the seventh floor. It's still there. That's it. That was what they found that girl dead up there. Up in the top of the thing, right? In the tank. Right there. In the water tank or something. Yeah. Remember that Asian girl went missing? And then they found

her dead body in the tank. I think they still don't know who did it, right? Yeah, no, no, sure. Wow. And how long did it take you to learn English? Because it's interesting to me because I started dating. It's, it's, to me, what I used to do when I was in Cuba, I worked in a theater. Okay. And there's just lots of movies. All the movies that show are American movies. So I would go behind with the screenings. They had a big speaker and I stand back there just to hear, just to get used to, you know, and I would practice. That's, that's, that's what it sounds to me. Yeah. But something funny happened. I'm here two days and I go into the Mexican restaurant. I think it was on 7th Street, right in the corner. Yeah. I feel, wow, let me go eat

down there. Spanish food. I didn't know anything about Mexican food. Tortilla, nothing. Tortilla in Cuba is nothing but a couple of eggs. Right, right. It's different. Tortilla is just an omelet. That's an omelet. Oh, really? Tortilla is an omelet? Yeah. I come here and I say, let me have this and the lady says, you want tortilla? I said, oh, come with this. Yeah. She said, what is this? She says tortilla. Try it. I said, this has no taste. All of the sudden, there is this Cuban guy sitting right down there, whole guy. He said, you Cuban? I said, yes. The guy was about 50 years old and he sat on my table. He says, listen, I work at the Wilton Theater in the elevator. I know the guy in charge. He might

give you a job. You want to go with me? I said, yeah, go. We took the bus. We got to Western. The guy told me, hey, the guy's not here. That's great. But I leave two blocks away from there. Let's go over there and maybe he'll come back later. So I go to this Cuban guy up on me. I'm going to say, youngster guy. All of a sudden he said, I saw a lot of checks around, you know, because he had checks. Who didn't money doing it? You know, I said, what the hell is going on? He said, I had money all over. So the guy, all of a sudden he pulled out some pictures, sex, sex and right away, I said, oh, this guy wants something else. Oh, man.

I got to go, man. You're the first Cuban I know here and it's this way. It's starting off bad. I talked to the guy and said, he says, why don't you stay here and sleep in the couch? Fuck you. I said, you're looking for a husband. You're looking for somebody to fucking there. How come those people, how come those people always find you at your lowest time? No question. They sniffed that fucking vulnerability right out of you. Maybe he's having a bad day. He'll suck my dick. Let me invite him over to juice.

And then you get over there. You don't want to suck that dick and they get depressed. How scary is it to come into a new country? I mean, I'm trying, while you're saying the story, I'm trying to think of 1985, getting on a plane and going to Colorado, not knowing nobody. Is it scary coming to a new country? Not to me. How old were you? Nineteen.

Nineteen. Just turning 19. You're probably not talking to me scary. You're just excited. No, I, it's okay. I was happy going lucky over time. I have a lot of confidence, you know. I learned English so fast. It was, you know, fast. Like that. Did you make it a point on English? Cause I know the, the mom of the girl who I'm dating has been here for like 20, 30 years and just doesn't, and in the neighborhood they live in, she doesn't have to. So like, was it, did you make it a point to like not live

with Cubans and only speak Spanish and was it important to you? Cause I know for Joey, you said your mom made it a point that you could speak Spanish inside the house, but outside to speak English. Well, she had a good point for him. He helped you a lot. My kids, they don't speak Spanish real good. I mean, they get by, but you throw a war at them and sometimes they have to call me and what to do. They can't find me. Forget it, you know. But that's good. I, I, I have no problem. I, I, I didn't study some when I work in the theater.

I used to get this book that belonged to your uncle Louis. He passed away. He passed away. He was a singer also. Uncle Louis was the best one. I said, he used to sing churches and things. He was, he wasn't your brother. Yes. He was your brother. Yeah, my brother, the oldest brother. Oh, well. He was a singer. That guy, he sent me some tapes from Venezuela years ago. Okay. He was in, what is it? He was a engineer, some kind of engineered electronic. He was one of the guys, you know, he got into politics. Me, I didn't care about politics, but uncle Louis, your grandmother called me and said, could you send some money so we can get uncle Louis out of the country? He's in the embassy of Venezuela in Havana.

So I sent him some money. Then I found out uncle Louis and a group Cubans blew up all the, all the refineries in Havana. Oh, they, they, they got together as well. They didn't want Fidel Castro to get this. And when uncle Louis came here, he asked me for some money. Let me go to the United States. I said, well, why don't you bring your family? What you're going to do here all along anyway? Nah. Okay. We start talking. He says, this happened in Cuba. I couldn't let the son of a bitch get all the, I said, yeah, but you didn't hurt him. You hurt the people. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he disagreed with me. I said, no, you hurt the people. You don't have to feed the castle.

They got tanks of gasoline in his house. It'll be fine. So he went back and he died. I don't know what kind of problem he had, but he refused to go to the doctor. He got him a doctor. No, I don't want to know what's going on. Nothing. Wow. He died. They say he was screaming my name. That's what they told. He was still pissed off. The doctor thought I was his father. Why is he screaming this guy's name? Well, he's calling his father and that's what they told me. And after a while, they called me again to send some money to his wife in Venezuela because they say he was in a hole. They put him in a hole. He died and they just dumped him in a hole. That's it.

And his wife wanted to bury him, but send him money. Wow. Now, when did you get into music, Theo? How old were you when you first got involved in music? After I came here. Never in Cuba. Very little. I should see a lot of rumbas in Cuba, you know. Did you ever take any idea? You ever thought I could do this? No. My sister, my brother married the girl that lives in this, they call it Cuba, Solada, which is a place like this with rooms, only one bath. That's what they call it, Solada. So they used to have rumbas there and they used to see crazy people dancing and falling down the floor and twisting and using it. You know, when they play the music, they get, they start looking up, looking crazy and then they just boom fall to the ground and roll

and roll. I used to see that, but then I get here. I tell you what, when I came here in 56, no, no, in 59, I came down here. They had some conga players. They didn't know anything, man. I saw it just when the Cubans got over here, forget it. All those guys just, they were afraid. You know, me, I didn't play for too long. I bought a business, $10,000, bought a business and got some money from HBA. I got a bar, music, the place. I've only been at it 40 years, 41 years. 40 fucking years. 40 years. I'm going to die there and probably come out and pinch the woman's in the ass. Do something. So you're a musician, you got married, that type of stuff. Right. And then after that, you had a family. So you said,

fuck the music. I got to make a living in you. Right. The music was $25 a night and bent my hands like an animal. You have to be an animal to play those dead drums, you know. Now I have some good friends that play music, like my son's godfather, Modesto Dunag, he was a great person. I come in out of my business, you know. He was also a great player. He had some albums, everything. Francisco Avella, he passed away a couple of years ago. Mongo Santa Maria, he passed away also. Kiki Travieso, he worked with me there, passed away, everybody's gone. I'm one of the few Cubans here. They can tell you about the past and tell you about the present. Okay. Not many people can tell you that. And if they do, they

will lie to you because I came here before Fidel Castro. I can tell you everything before Fidel Castro. I couldn't tell you too much after because I've been here, but I can tell you what was happening. People don't like that. You can probably find maybe 10, 15 people, you know. That's amazing. And you, what band, I don't know if I told Jerry this, you were in the band with the lady. Eartha Kid. Eartha Kid. Oh, they opened up for the Stones. Oh, that's awesome. Yes, the Stones. Man, that's badass. In 78, I was, I was working already at my business and some guy came and said, let's go. Another guy named Valdez used to play trumpet and conga drum. He went to see me. Let's go over there. We need a lot of people. About 40 drummers up there.

We used to open up this. Man, we just rocked the place. I got sold out for, I think it was seven nights. So every night, 22,000 people are there for it. And they used to throw joints. I mean, we were, we were playing behind this glass, joints of my body. Stop, stop it. That was fun, you know. Yeah, we always goof around and we meet at Langers and we crack jokes. And he always tells me the same story. That's one of those stories that you know, I came out here in 73 and I got to see my uncle in action. He had fucking three jobs. Yes. Three fucking jobs, you know, and I went to all three jobs and, you know, and he had a family. I forget where the fuck he lived or whatever. Now I didn't see my uncle for a while.

Then my mother died. My uncle flew to New Jersey and my uncle was like, what the fuck is this? And the whole time my uncle would look at me and now it's like night number because the wake was like five nights, right? It was like a fucking weekly tour. Yes. She died on a Tuesday and then buried it on Monday. Wow. So it was five nights of fucking viewing. Oh man. Right. Well, your stepfather, he told me that the reason they waited because they thought I could make it in time, that was his explanation. But we were standing together right next to her. You called me, you went to the sign and called me. Hey, Teal, do you smell something? Do you smell something? I said, what? Come here. And we weren't, she was laid out and I smelled something.

So I asked your step, what is that? What the hell did they do a bad job on her? What is it? He says, no, this is so manamos. Manamos. Like chickens and fucking Deir Eustis under a fucking casket. No. Yeah, it was crazy, the santeria was alive and kicking. But you know, whenever I think of my uncle, I think of two situations. The one when he came in that day, how many people were at the house? A lot of people. There was a lot, like it was like, you really can't describe it. It's such a dark time for me, but it's such a hysterical time. Like if we ever did a movie, it's going to be the funniest. Right. Set death scene ever. My house. I remember it was and it was like from

one came and then a friend of my mother's came and then 50 fucking people there. And it's November 10th, it's freezing in New York, the door is wide open and people come and go and then people started saying, oh, she said if she ever died, I could take the lamp. Oh man. That shit started happening and I'm sitting there, you know, I'm a fucking kid and I'm sitting there going, you know, it doesn't matter. Take the fucking lamp. She's dead, you know, at that point. And I didn't even believe she was dead at that point, you know, eight hours after you find the body, you're still in shock. I didn't, of course, but there was one scene where there was a lady who had had a stroke and her face was twisted. Oh yeah. And she had like a dead little hoof hand.

She was a Santa Maria lady from the Bronx. She showed up. And at one point I remember like my stepfather's in the kitchen, Lazarus and me are talking. I look up the stairs and I see her walking like a Macy's bag with like a little limp, you know, and I see one rush to this lady because my stepfather just didn't give a fuck. He rushes to her and she's like, see you guys later. He goes, he grabs the bag and he takes two dresses out and under the dresses there's two minks. Of your mother's. Of my mother's. And lady just turned pale and she's like, she said, if anything ever happened, I could have her minks and he just went off. Like this was like day, like it was just a crazy, this is a fucking movie. Like I remember going to,

like I, she died. I went to breakfast. I called my uncle. I called her friends. And then they told me to go to a funeral parlor in Union City to identify her. I'm fucking 15. I got to go identify her. And then I go, they go, where do you want to bury her? And I go, you know what? Right here. Right. Where do you want to see her? I go right here. I go home. I'm relaxing. And two hours, some fucking guy comes over, some Cuban guy with a suit and a dark guy hands him and he goes, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, listen, man, I know you already made a commitment to that guy in Union City, but when I got here to this country, my first Christmas, I had no money for Christmas toys. I met those guys. And your mother and your

father bought my kids Christmas toys. And they never asked for the money back. So we want her to bury you at our funeral parlor. And I had to call the people and go, it was a mistake. Yeah. And then it was a Cuban funeral parlor, which a white funeral parlor, two to four for the viewing, five to seven Cuban funeral parlors, 24 fucking hours. And people show up when the fuck they want. So it's day three. And me and my uncle laugh about this story constantly. It's packed with flowers. There was fucking flowers everywhere. She knew everybody, the people at the track, the people at the taxi cab company, the people at the OTB track embedding, I mean, everyone's there, mayors, you know, because in that area of you pay the politician at one time,

I know they send you flowers. Right. So there was mayors. And also there was a gay guy. And his name was Martin. Oh, okay. And his name was Martin the Fag, you know, being everything. Of course it was. It kind of spells it out makes it pretty makes it pretty clear what you're getting everybody in the neighborhood called the Martin the Fag, his brother on the Bollega in the corner in North Bergen, which was guys, this is an Italian neighborhood. And this guy owned a Cuban place on the corner of Liberty Avenue, which is heavy duty. Yeah. And he sold Cuban steak sandwiches out. That's why they fell in love with him. It's like that Mexican joke you do. I hate Mexicans, but right. So Martin the Fag was a Santeria guy, but he also sold Coke. Wow. And years later,

I ended up robbing him. Okay, he put the whammy on me. Right. So this is terrible. He's up to your talent deal. So where are the things just tell them what happened? Well, the thing was the funniest thing was when, when they took the body out of these funeral parlor, and somebody is carrying some pot full of water, some water, some water. I guess that has something to do with Santeria stuff. And somebody's match. I mean, everybody was, you know, standing there looking that way. And somebody from behind just as much as this pot right on the people that started screaming because they didn't want to be touched with that water. Right. They was like death water. Yeah, that's like what they, that's like when, when Israeli Jews jump in the water, that water,

the tub, they throw up people, they put the maluca. Usually they sing the people make it. I mean, everybody's screaming. I just think, oh, man. But the other problem was when they got to the cemetery. No, there was another problem before that. No, I want you to tell them to serve with Martin the Fag when he went crazy. Oh, we're standing there with him. And this guy, and this guy's telling his mother, you beautiful girl. He's got his little brush. No, you so beautiful to your mother. She's dead. She's in the casket. You beautiful. What the fuck? I love you. Look at you. She looks so beautiful. The guy started punching the walls and knocking all the time. He was a white guy acting black. I love to, I love to take me instead. She was my sister. Take me instead. Take me, take me.

He, I think the guy closes the funeral party. That ended the party. Party's over. He kept punching the walls and knocking everything down. He was crazy. He was from wall to wall just banging on everything. What's up with the Gumi though? That's crazy. I'm here for good. I mean, so, so this guy had probably the biggest reaction out of any family, out of anybody, right? He reacted crazy. No, there was a couple of people that had drama. There was people that were right. It was a 24 hour. Well, I don't understand how hard it must have been on the family because my fucking family was me and him. I know that. How can you? We would just sit next to me. You have to host. You know, he, this is a man that'll tell you stories of 148th street

when I told him I was going to beat this kind of player when I was at the Santeria party. So he knew the madness of it. That's why he didn't live in New York. Right. Because he loved his sister. But the madness, you know, if he ever takes you, if we ever get together for lunch and we have hours, like we can't go into this. We don't have enough hours. Right. The magnitude of her life, how big of a person she was. Like nothing was, she would give you a $10,000 bracelet and you would just sit there and go, why are you giving me this? Because I bought it and I don't like it. Yeah. Wow. Come with me to a Yankee game. I'll give you $5,000. Like stupid shit. But that was her way of saying, I love you. She was generous. She was retarded, whatever. So the funeral

was not going to be anything light of, first of all, guys, I'm telling you, it was a 24 hour wake. That means that we had ships. Right. You did the morning, you get the evening. And then a couple of nights, I just said, why am I going to go home? I didn't want to stay in that house by myself. Yeah. I just found my mother in the kitchen. So why would I want to go home? Right. So I'd sit there and at two in the morning, you had to see the people that came in there from the bars with flowers and a bottle of scotch. And I bet that was probably heavy because she owned a bar, didn't she? Yeah. So all those dudes are hanging. Yeah, yeah. These were the people that, you know, in those days, there was a Cuban community. And it started on 57 in Hudson. There was a Blindy.

There was all a Caffello a Tita. These were all Cuban bars. And these customers would go from bar to bar to bar. And they'd drop money. The same, you know, the same way Henry and his buddies. Yeah, of course. Henry and his buddies, Henry Hill and his buddies. They'd have to sit 15 bars. And the last bar they went to is where they could run a tab. Right. And then they would work the tab scam. But in those days, that's where you saw all those people would show up at three in the morning. And I remember being at three in the morning and seeing people at the funeral doing cocaine, talking a tone story in front of the body. Yeah, giving the body bumps. What look at them? What in front of the fucking body? I'm talking about giving bumps to my mother,

talking to her and crying and everybody who showed up. Let me tell you something. If they exhumed her body today, she's got to have 25 bottles of pinch. The pinch, the bottles of pinch minimum 25 of those little ones, probably five of Johnny Walker, something black or red. There's got to be a fucking an ounce of blow in $20 in bendels. Weed, Santorias stuff, you know, swimwear, all that's going to be. Yeah, she took everything with it. Swimwear, jewelry. She took everything with it. They gave her everything. All those people that would come late night would put cocaine in there and fucking rocks and fucking machine guns and a knife. So you had to fight a leopard in the other life. It's just amazing. It really is. I love those blues. I mean, you got to do that too a

little bit. You put things in it. You're like, what are you going to need this for? They're not going to need a rifle to do anything. You're giving them a gun. Every time we get together, it always comes back to that funeral because it was five days of madness. Madness. What about the other? Was there a rivalry with the other bars in the block or was everybody cool? They were all cool. No, no, no. It was nothing like that. They were making money. Everybody was doing something illegal. Those people knew how to do business because they did business and they didn't shake up. They tried to do it. Nobody rocked the boat. Nobody rocked the boat. And that's why when they did rock the boat, they got pissed because they didn't want no problems there at those bars. There

were five or six Cuban bars. But there's always somebody that functioned up. This was a Union City, an Irish bar, that neighborhood that they didn't want any problems. Now there's no humans left. Now that era is gone. That's a different era now. That was 30 years ago. Those people now live in Miami or something. It's just amazing. But the really amazing thing is that every time I see my uncle, we always talk about the fact. We always bring up Martin, the fact. Just breaking the walls down, screaming. It was just something that, the funeral, all that shit, what happened afterward, that was nothing compared to those five days. Lee, what's the story? Everything all right? You're waking up over there. You're doing jumping jacks? I'm up, dude. What's up?

What's going on with that gloomy bed sitting there with the loneliest screams? You know what the worst? I felt bad. But when you were telling the story about the smell by the casket, just because I know you, I was sure you had farted or something. And you brought your uncle over. No, let me tell you something. Now who put the sound of that stuff in there? All right. When you, when in Santeria. Who put that shit in there? In Santeria, when a person passes, it's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing because the police come over, the medics come over, they identify the body, whatever, if it's not a gunshot head or it's not a murder or something like that, like a natural death. Okay. Somebody shows up and goes, you can't take this body.

Someone, someone in Santeria. A Santeria person shows up and says, according to our religious view, you can't take the body until we do a ceremony. So I remember, I remember a Santeria guy in my neighborhood dying that I was tight with. And this is what happened. I mean, I was like seven and I wasn't allowed to go in. But I'm in the council there and they have a ceremony where you can't take the saint with you. So you got to take that saint out of you and then you still leave a king or whatever. But part of that thing is like all the other ceremonies, they kill animals, sacrifice animals, and then you either take it, it's all when they question the saint, what he wants to do. Does he want to take the fucking animals with, with this?

We, again, we don't have the time. Sure. Went wrong here. But the Santeria powders and the waters, she died on a fucking Tuesday. The animals were cut on Wednesday. It's Thursday. It's Saturday. Do you know what those things were stinking like? So what they did was they had the casket and they put the stuff under her and they had a curtain. So people were walking up going, what the fuck? That shit wasn't even airtight. That was out. No, it was out because it was just, it was, it was, it was just hard. And it was, it was, it was five days that as you got to remember my situation, like my uncle was the anchor because at that time my stepfather wasn't my mother. So he was there. So I wasn't really talking to him. Right. You know, I wasn't really talking to

him. So my uncle was the one, my uncle and this little Cuban lady named Solaida. So I remember when we, they had the body on the car. You and I were sitting in the same inside the car and the three ladies were sitting in the back. And the driver, I think it was some white guy. And I, I saw him kind of eating his hands. He was driving. I guess it was this male. This male started smelling because he started, you know, the car is stopping. Yeah. And these ladies in the back, you heard, start throwing up. And the driver stopped the 10 car. He went across the street and talked to another guy. I got out of the car. I went to the car in the back with your stepfather was and I told him, let me ride in here because it's a problem in that car.

Nobody wants to go. And he tells me, I give you $50. If you go back over there, I said, I'll give you a hundred if you go. It was, it was, it was such a fucking and it went down like that. And they had, I guess they threw the shit in the floor before they put the body over it. So now you got to tip everybody. Yeah. You got to tip a white guy in the high low, right? Excuse me, the high low. And he's like, why according to New Jersey rules? Okay. And you just throw the animals in there before the fucking before the fucking it was just it was five days of fucking hell that started on a Tuesday night and then went, but it's funny because I didn't know my mother never spoke of the roots as much as yeah, she spoke about them.

You know, I naturally navigated to congas when I was a young age. I always played drums and she would always go, you should go to California and hook up with your uncle. You know, he's a musician. And after all the years, I find out about my family in Cuba. You know, I find out that player, Veo, that Emmy, a key Alfonso, stop with the fucking thing, Ricky, but a key Alfonso is, is, you know, a musician and his sister and their cousins of mine and their parents are also musicians. And you were telling me that, you know, we have like six or seven cousins that are involved in music. How the fuck did I get involved in comedy? How the fuck did I get involved in comedy, Lisa? Yeah, you got the answers, cocksucker. Play some music. This is my cousin.

There's the Lenny Kravitz sound of this shit, but they're in Cuba with a dream. And that's all that matters, cocksuck, is right here. The church of what's happening now, the Cuban edition. This is a champ, dude. I remember you, I remember you sent me this. Yeah. Go, Lee. We go fuck with your life now. He's falling. Oh, shit, Lee. Let me see you wake up. It's still sitting on the table lonely. No, it's a mother fuck. It looks sad, buddy. My uncle's here 74 years old, hanging out with jumpers. This is a fucking jam, dude. No, they're part of a national band that travels him and my cousin.

What do they do? Are they just an abandoned Cuba? Who? Yeah, Ackies. Ackies is part of the synthesis group. Now, I think him and the girl, they go in solo from time to time. Like Michael Jackson in 1991. And when their parents need help, they come back. They come back. They want to record, they come back. That's cool. Because this girl was in Mexico, Amy was in Mexico, she was a big hit. Played Amy's song. Amy, we discussed it that I see Amy in the States in two years. I see Amy replacing the void that Chade left. Nobody ever replaced Chade. Nobody ever had that style. Amy's got it. If you listen, if you see Amy's videos and her music on YouTube, play it, Lee Francois.

You know, the kids have taken that, their music into different directions than the parents. Right, right. The parents are doing the Afrocubes. Yeah, Afrocubes are the kids. She's good. Tremendous. On a Tuesday night, you're sitting there with your thumb up your ass. This chick's from fucking Cuba. Lee, what are you lowing it for? Hit that motherfucker, dog. Very talented. So next time you think you ain't got the world by the balls, play this chick's video. She probably got a flute in the fucking Coke bottle. She's doing this shit. There's the money shot right here. She just takes it to the hoop here.

You're like Joey, is that French? What are you asking me for? So for people listening, it's E-M-E Alfonso with an F and it's X Alfonso with an F. Just the letter X. It looks like it's a really good song. I wish I could chime in and listen to this. I will throw you a full break. I don't fuck that you fucked that up. I even called you and said, what is it that we need? Did I not get the microphone? You didn't say to me, leave the extra yardstick for the speakers. You didn't say nothing about this. So you have forgotten all about the goddamn speakers. What in that one headphone? The fucking earphones. That's right. Like we said, what do you expect? Somebody who talks and some mute to come over

and do the fuck. Get sitting there fucking with some guy next to him clapping and making noise. Is that what you think? That's what I was hoping for. What's going on with the other Adam will say. You still haven't touched it. You got to get to the same vibe. You know how many things I dropped today? I dropped goomy bears, fluffy bears. I came here. I was excited to see my flavor fucking flying Jew and this is how you treat me. This is the respect I get. Let me give a shout out to my sponsors on it.com for your maximum fucking help. Today I took a strong bone. I went to Jiu-Jitsu. I'll tell you what, when I first started going to Jiu-Jitsu, I could barely do a hip escape. I'm doing hip escapes. I'm doing hip escapes with the roll out. Today we did Judo

flips. I fell. I broke falls and then I got to safety and spa for 15 minutes. Yeah, I'm learning how to breathe. I'm getting better, but let me tell you something. I did those three fucking sessions today with the class and a half hour and a half and then the three. I'll tell you what, I could still have gone. I was just scaring myself. Like now I got too much fucking oxygen. You think it's because I'm better than you? No. Shroom Tech has helped me. It's like my own little personal breathing to those fucking priorotic mushrooms. I don't know. Get fucking Joe Rogan on the email or go on the Anna webpage. He'll break it down for you. All I'm telling you is I'm a fat fuck that takes them and they work. Go to joeydeers.net. Go to the Anna box and press in. Search. Hit it.

And fucking get 10% off and everything. Not the ropes and the fucking school pursuits and the t-shirts. When any minerals they have, that new digestive enzyme they have for the proteins and the fats and the carbs, the alpha brain, any of those minerals, give it a shot. Columbus did. You're sitting there on the fucking couch, you're eating peanut butter. You're looking to start somewhere. You know, it all starts with fucking you, cocksucker. So go to Anna.com. So now you're taking care of your health. You want to look good. You want to smell good. You want your balls to look good. You got a dollar shape cut. They got three different packages for you. The dollar, the six dollar or the nine dollar package. If you go for the nine dollar package, you get four blades

sent to your fucking house every month with the aloe strip. Your face is nice and sharp. You don't even need it. You go two weeks. You give the one razor to your girlfriend. That's what she shapes a little fucking stinky monkey with. And her ass. So they got one wipe charlies that smell like peppermint for your muffler. They got the cocoa butter for your shape. That's not including the six, nine, nine or nine, nine, nine, nine or seven, nine, nine or whatever the fuck I'm telling you. I'm telling you. One six and nine. One six and nine. If you want the Mr. Peanut fucking asshole wipes, that's different. And if you want the fucking white charlies and if you want the other stuff, that's completely different. I take care of you people. I introduce you to these things.

So you go there. You get what's coming to you. Hulu plus, same thing. If you go on the webpage by yourself to Hulu plus, you get 799 a month. That's it. That's a great deal. Guess what I'm giving you? I'm giving you two weeks for free. That means you show up with your dick out in the bottle of champagne with a straw and you say, take me on yours. You sit there and you binge on shows. Whatever fucking show you want to watch, community, this, that, the dirty hole on CBS, documentaries. That's just coming soon. But yeah, the dirty wife, you know, the one with the wife, she's a cheater. All that shit's on fucking the Hulu plus. All right, go to Hulu plus.com. Better yet, go to joeydeers.net for the tour dates. Go to the Hulu plus blocks and press Joey, Joey, J-O-E-Y.

The same thing. What's the dollar shaped club code? Church. Boom, church. Get a dollar, six dollars or $9. That's how we fucking do it here, right? Let me give you some shout outs to some fucking savages. It's a Tuesday night special edition. So we'll change it up. We got four fucking guests tonight. Oscar Nunes, Michael Angeli, and the Anjeli brothers, ugly kid Joe, and Nelia Samuels. My heart goes out. They found out his sister was fucking a black dude. The family's in tangles. They threw the yamakazot. It's all over. You know what I'm saying? I guess Jews don't like black people fucking the sisters. What are you going to do? Deal. The Cuban word of the day is mamamalapinga. All right, tremendous deal. What's happening, Theo? I don't know. You guys talk about

this, uh, some chick sucking that black guy dick. Let me say, yeah, a guy. There was a guy. He was in charge of this big, big business, electrical part business. And one day he comes to the bar, he's drinking, he's drinking. I guess, no matter, he says something horrible happened to me. Oh no. I went down to my boat. I went down to my boat and I saw my wife sucking this black guy dick. So, okay, the guy, uh, then two vice officers walk into the place and they're looking at the guy, I don't know, he has a problem. The most of it was the problem. He said, well, I said, he found his wife sucking black guy's dick. And I asked him, what were you doing? Did this happen to you? He said, I killed myself.

Look at, look at, look at my uncle cracking funnies. I said to the guy, what did the guy would have been white? They just took off. I'd have been, I'd be just as upset. Either way, wouldn't matter, cross the board. Whether racism starts in my family. Open up the door a little bit. What am I gonna, steam me to death with this Jewish song about the end of the door, get some Mary in here a little bit. Okay. Just a little bit. We ain't gonna hear nothing. It's all right. Nobody's here. It's fucking down the corner. Yeah, who's gonna be here? Who's

gonna fucking be here? There's a, when is that chick notarizing in that right now? There's nothing. Who the fuck is it? One of the, one of the, not all the way, just Jesus Christ. Jesus Christly, you forget the speakers. You don't get in that condition. You got to fucking check for this on an IPO. We got the fucking company commander to send you an IPO and everything you're slipping. You got the room in here like a steam bat next thing you know, you're gonna show up in a towel with a Yamacan on it. With a star, we're gonna be sweating in here smelling like fucking hummus. You can't wait to get out of here, can you? Some fucking, like when I was doing blow, I couldn't wait to get out of a comedy show.

Really? Oh, are you fucking kidding me? The only reason I was there was to get the 50 dollars and really get me so I could go buy a package. You know me? I can't do any of that stuff. You think I want to fucking follow half these people into the club? Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. You know, you're sitting there going, what the fuck am I doing with my light elite right now? I saw him before and I can see him daydreaming about hummus in the Mediterranean. No, you gave me an animal. And you're talking to me about air conditioning when I've told you about 18,000 times in terms of my mind. What are the questions? Money, business, cocks, I don't know. Wait, wait, wait. What's 18? What's the air conditioning? He says the air condition don't

work for some reason. For some reasons, 8,000 degrees in here. Are you guys paying for this shit? No, no, we're getting this for free through the fucking air. All right. Are you fucking crazy? Yeah, we pay for this. No, there's air. It's not we'd be dying in here. But this is controlled by this one person with a lock on it. You understand me all these buildings on the stage at 72. That's what cool is for them. And there's nothing you can do when you can't argue with them. When you go to a hotel in Vegas, you go to your room, you put it down to 60. It's fucking 78. It never goes to 60. Go down to 60. They want the whole building. They want you to think it's 60. Meanwhile, you're sweating like a fucking pig in your fucking room.

Might as well go downstairs and gamble. Fuck it. You know, it's funny how we, on the podcast, we're talking about self-improvement a lot, Theo. We talk about music. We talk about family. We talk about drugs, addiction, weight, you know, how to get yourself back together. And one of the coldest realities, Theo, I have had in my life, was the one you read me in 1984. It was a shock. And this is the other part of this that, you know, my mother and my uncle were fucking poor. You guys were fucking poor. You lived nine kids. You had to wait till the father went to sleep and you drew spitballs at them and fucking crazy shit. And they knew what poor was. And my uncle came over here and decided to go to

California and did this life. That was the right life. And meanwhile, my mother decided to do a life that was a wrong life. And there was a lot of money made and spent, as he'll tell you. And it was a shame what happened, you know, one day I found them in the kitchen floor and then you have to move on. And then my uncle offered me to come out here. My friends in Miami said you could stay with us in Miami. And I turned them down and I wanted to do it my way. And for the first two years, I worked, you know, I worked part-time and I tried to, you know, whatever. I made ends meet however I could. I was in high school, so I was living with a cop and I was selling drugs, you know, pot and little pills. You know, we would go to a college

and buy acid and we had partners. And it was great, Theo. I paid the bills, you know, and I learned to be a man. But some, there was something about me, Theo. Like, I just, something was missing. Like, something wasn't, something wasn't right in my life, you know. And I was raised a little spoiled. You know, I was raised a little very spoiled, you know. This time I wish now that I go, you know, my mother didn't die, what would I be like today? I wouldn't be doing this. I would never be a comedian. I would have been, I would have been one of those 50-year-olds that lives with his mother. And, you know, he knows, he knows. I'm not lying to you. It doesn't, you know, I'm not going to sit here and lie to you people and tell you that things happen in your life and you either have

to adjust or you'll think. And that's what happened in this story, but there was levels of it. You know, I can't, I'm not going to tell you at 25, I knew what the fuck was going on. Nobody, you know, yeah, that was doing something. I was thinking about our 20s. I was thinking about when you were 20, too, in my 20s. You know what 20 is? 20s is a waste of your life. No matter how old you get, you got to think of what you did in the 20s and every decision was fucking wrong, whether what subject you picked and graduated from or college. Everything you're doing in your 20s is fucking completely wrong. Look at Lee looking at me going, Joey, you're wrong. Wake to your 60. You're going to go, boy, was I wrong about, but not you. You're a sharp kid.

I'm talking about people who like, yeah, I'm going to go to the Air Force Institute to pick fly jets and you're looking at them going, dog. The other night you got jipped at the 711 by some Hindu with change. How the fuck are you going to go measure wind speed and shit? You know, and something wasn't right, bro. And there's a lot of people at 27 that something wasn't right. I stumbled upon my uncle at 21. I came out here with a story out to California. And my uncle told me something that I was pissed at him for 10 years. He goes, the world don't know you shit. You got to get a fucking job. You know, he goes, if you stay here, I'll take care of your food. I'll take care of your life. So everything else

comes. I think I asked him for pot. Like a 20 ounce per bag of pot. My uncle was like, are you fucking kidding me? I'll take care of your bills. I'll eat you. I'll give you food. But everything else comes out of your pocket. You want a cocktail that comes out of your pocket. You want to eat Chinese that comes out of your pocket. I'm going to give you a sandwich. That's up to you. And he said that to me. I had never heard those words from anybody in life. People are scared to tell you. I know your mother. I know your mother. I know your mother gave you everything. I can't do that. Yeah, it's, it's, uh, I, you know, my 20s were the, that's when I started comedy. I started when I was 18 because I didn't want to go to college.

I remember thinking I hated high school and I went to community college for six weeks. This is the fucking same as high school. There's no difference. There's nothing different between this and high school. I don't want to do this shit. I knew what I wanted to do. I was already doing open mics and I told my mom, I said, look, I don't want to go to college anymore. And she just looked at me and it varies. You know, my life was just my mother and I and her boyfriend who was my father, you know, because I never met my biological dad, you know, and I told us and her heart sank. And she looked at me and she goes, this is going to be a really hard thing because people who try to get into that, you're not going to see anything until you've been doing it for a long, long time.

And so, but she looked at me and she goes, if that's what you want to do with your life, I don't want to raise a miserable kid. Be happy. Go chase it. It's going to be hard. You're going to be poor. You know, I'm like, okay, you know, it was just really weird what you, uh, I never knew. I never knew that that was the other side. I was living in this fucking fairy tale life. Yeah. You know, your life when you're a kid is this fairy tale life. You know, Lee told me this thing there because, you know, kids today, they want to go to Vegas and stand on line. And they all want to be with Kim Kardashian and they want to do this shit. When I was a kid, I didn't want none of that deal. You know what I wanted when I was 21? I wanted to have Mercedes

Benz. I wanted to have jewelry and I want to have a blonde and I want to have a penthouse. And I wanted to sell coke and do coke and go out four nights a week and get my dicks up and fly to the coast. And if I want to go to a Stones game, a Stones concert in Arizona, I could do whatever I wanted. But then there was the most important thing to you. I didn't want to work. Yeah. I didn't want to do anything. It was this fucking thing. It was this, this lifestyle I had been introduced to. So that's why when I see kids and sometimes I see things, uh, it happens to a child later on in life, they have this ad and they have to adjust. They can never adjust to it. And for me, it was dropped on me right fucking there, but I didn't get it. Like I thought that my doomsday when I was,

when I was 16 and my mother died, no, it was the day I came out here and I tried to fuck with my uncle. My uncle was like, no, you have, you have nothing coming to you in this world. And I remember going to prison and thinking about my uncle going, fuck, he was right. Yeah. Like those words were fucking right. You have nothing coming to you. And this podcast, and we talk about it constantly, this could be easy for you or this could be hard for you, whatever the fuck you want to get into, whatever you want to do, but you got to start with one thing. You ain't got dick coming to you. Those people at the bar that you think you're hanging out with the Kardashians and some fucking bar in fucking Oklahoma and you think you're at a VIP section, those motherfuckers come and go in your

life. And I didn't think so. I thought that that was it. You're going to hang out with these people till you're 60 and everybody goes to the bar, give them a drink, give them all a drink. Yeah, let me get it on the tab. Let me get some lobster. And you're like, that's all great, but how are you going to fucking pay for this shit? Yeah. So deal, I owe you my life because ever since that day, that changed my life completely. That was the fucking beginning that whole year. That was the fucking cream on the crop that you read me the riot act. And you know what? Those are there are guys your age that believe that they're owed everything. And it's kind of scary when I see every fucking day. I see the people that walk around. I see that

I see that especially in comedy. You see the kids in comedy. Can I tell you a story real quick? So I'm in a club. I'm out of town last week. I'll talk more about it on my podcast here too. But this this piece of shit, a comic from here happened to be in this town, right? Who he was trying to get into the club. I met this guy one time, seen him do comedy two minutes tops, right? And brutal. And he just goes, we sit down at the bar. And he just because I'm a familiar face, he acts like we've been best friends our whole life. Because you're going to you're going to tell him about me, right? You're going to tell him how good I am. You're going to let these people know this. And I was like, and I just pretend I didn't hear him. I was like, no, yeah, it's a real

good club. And it's fun, have fun. And then the door guy comes over and talks to me. And he says, hi. And Ryzie told me hi. The waiter is the bars at the back of the room, right? The bartender brings my food to me. And I'm talking to the door guy. And as I'm turning around to get my food, this fucking asshole has taken a handful of my french fries and starts eating them. I don't know this guy. My, you know, my girlfriend done the balls to do that. Like, you know, I, you know, like, I'm not going to grab food off my girlfriend. And I look at him, what the fuck? And he goes, oh, man, I'm sorry. I was just really hungry. And I'm like, that's funny. Because so am I. That's why I ordered this shit. Like an adult, I found something in the

menu that I wanted to eat. And I fucking ordered it because I'm hungry to the fucking balls. But again, he expects me to Oh, make sure you tell them I'm going to eat food off your fucking plate. It was crazy. And then he's just following me around the whole night. And finally he said, look, dude, I've seen you do two minutes. You want to go tell them that you were, that I saw you do two minutes and I didn't even know if you were funny or not. Just shut up. And it's just, but that's these people, they expect everything to be handed. And this guy was an adult, like he was a grown man, probably in his mid 40s to early, you know what I mean? And how can you, how can you go through life? And then, but they do it. It's like, it's like, they think that

they're the guests of this planet. Like somehow the planet earth has invited them to be here. And the planet earth has to cater to their every fucking. He has that attitude at that age. And he's going to comedy clubs and doing that is because he's done that all along. Yeah. See, it's a pattern. So once you would live that system in your head that I'm just going to show up, you know, it's a funny thing. I am a great guy. I am a great guy deal with comics, especially because I was at the other side of the spectrum. No question. You know, you told me once a story about a friend of ours that told you he only talked to headliners also. Oh boy. Yeah. There's a bunch of comics that have this fucking thing,

you know, and I helped comics out. But then it started getting started with me and Bray. And Bray, it was where I learned the comics that I don't even talk to deal deal. They don't call you. They don't call you and say, how are you doing? And they show up. Hey, man, this is great. Isn't that the best you want me to go up on stage? And I'm like, no. I don't know who invited you here. Yeah. I don't know who the fuck invited you here. Why would you? And then you know that they have rooms. This is when you really get pissed off. They book a room. They never call you. Yeah. When they have gigs, I know they book gigs. They never call you, but then they show up and I had to take comics aside and go, come here.

Tonight, I'll put you up. Don't ever come down here. I'll invite it again. And I felt bad for a while, but I noticed that I lost that element because the word got out. The word got out. It's when I go on the road. It's when I go on the road. People hit me up for guesses. Don't hit me on the road of forgetfulness. So I don't know you. I don't know you. Number two, I have a show. I got two guys. That's it. I don't need some guy coming in for one night trying to gun in and done. I don't need that. If I know you, if you come to Florida and you're there one day, get up there and just have to be hanging out or get up there. But there's people that come in looking around like,

I never even knew they did comedy here. It's that it's this attitude that just fucking kills me. And I want to thank you, Theo, for straightening me my shit out because after that, I still fucked up, but I always had that in the back of my head. And that's who that's who cut me out today. That really cut me up today. Do you remember, I don't know if it was Irvine or Brea, but one of the times we went there, there was just this older comic in the back just sitting around talking and like he didn't even try to go up. But he just like this older guy, he looked like a dad and like khakis. And he just sat in the back and like took notes. And like the entire time we were just glaring at him. Like there was no reason for him. He didn't even try to go up. It was number one time you

had me in Brea, right? And this is about when I first came back, so maybe four years ago. And I never forget like, at least four dudes who were not invited showed up begging for a spot. And you just kind of very bluntly laid it out. And it is, it is, it is fascinating. And they just people fucking expect it. They just somehow think that by that, by, you know, you're not, we didn't, you're not our guest here. You know, it's amazing. But they do amazing how you have to draw a line in your life with people sometimes too, which you did. And you have to draw a line for yourself. So do these people become your enemy? No, they just become nothing. They become knowing yes. They say that you're a dick now. Oh, he's a dick now.

They try, you know what I think? I think they try to become your enemy. So it gives them, so they still feel like they're important in some way. When at the end of the, really they're nowhere on Joey's spectrum. They're nowhere on my, like, I'm never going to think about that. But if, you know, like, he might, I'll get, every time I get a plate of fries, I'm going to guard them, you know, like I'm going to cover. But there's so many things in life that goes back to respect. The respect you have for yourself and the respect you have for other people and the respect you have for yourself as a comic and comedy, you know, and comedy, the big thing to do is to go and if they give you 10 minutes, you do 20 minutes. You know what I'm saying?

Why are you going to do that? Why are you doing this? Why are you going to do that? That's the shit. There's little fucking edges that have to end. You know what? If you're not at a fucking club performing, don't come support. Don't come support. I don't want you to come on support. You're a comedian. Don't come on. If you're getting on stage, come on down. Yeah. And I understand you if you come to the second show after you did the show. You did the first show somewhere. You did Hyena's or whatever. And then you come to Addison for the 11 o'clock show on Saturday. You worked your two shows. Okay. But they show up at eight o'clock and sit in the green room and eat the food and order from the waitress. That's creepy. It drives me fucking.

I don't want nobody in the fucking green room. I don't want nobody in the fucking green room. But it's back to the respect issue. You get into this, what you put into this. You're a musician to you. You had the same fuck. I remember when I came out that time. You worked at a Mexican restaurant and you were the house band on A3. And they gave me salsa. Jerry La Roca. I come from New York City and they said, taste the salsa. And I tasted the salsa and the heat went through my head. You know how wasabi goes through your fucking skull 18 times? This went through my fucking head 18 times. And it just, I'll never forget the crying and Theo had to put ice cubes in my mouth. But I always remembered that he had three fucking jobs. Like we didn't stop. If you asked me what I remember

from 1973 when I came out here, I remember that you went to Disneyland. You had the water thing. That's the first time I had ever seen a fucking water machine. Those people that put the cup under the water and put under it. That to me was fucking huge. I went home and told my mom, we gotta get a fucking water machine. SeaWorld, the Dodger game, the place where you worked at night, the beach. It was just the, and I fucked up and he sent me home pissed off. He was mad at me, my uncle, but then I didn't see him. You get complaining. Where's my money? Where's my money? You took my money. That was a Cuban Jew dog. If I gave you $10, this is how fucked up I was, if I gave you $10 and I saw a SeaWorld thing, I go, Theo, give me 50 cents. I'd still say,

where's my $10? No, it's $9.50. Now fuck that. That was my fucking money, you know. We, last Monday, we played Patato and Totico here on the podcast. Remember the Cuban music we played? I don't know if you want to put it on, I walk and walk. My uncle tells the story. One time we went to a Santeria party on 140th Street in Broadway, right? And there was all these bananas and shit. The first thing we walked into the door, like pulled the bananas to the side. They had these banana brints right in front of the door. I mean, you say, well, how do you get in here? You had to push big huge. Wow. You know, and I say, well, is this a gorilla party? There was tons of fucking bananas, bro, and every door jam. So every door jam,

I want those bananas. Thousand bananas. Yeah. You see when the longshoreman holds bananas, they put the hooks in, they pick up the bananas, and it's just a fucking tree, a banana dog. It's amazing. They would have those in every door jam. Wow. So you had to move it like a boxing. That's amazing. Like a heavy bag. And there was a Santeria thing, the Conga plays. So there comes it, Patato walks out of the house and there's Coco, he's a kid, you know, and he tells Patato, you know, we're the same size now, we can go out. He was a small guy. He was a small guy. You know what I'm saying? We're the same size now. I wanted to beat him up because he wouldn't let me play in his band. So I wanted to be a part of the Conga players. I was good enough and he

go, now you got to get better. You got to go, I go, where do you want me to fucking go play? I don't know. Now you got to go to a park and find Puerto Rican music. And I fucking look at him and go, you motherfucker, you just cockbacking me. Even at 10, I had like that fury in my eye. We're the same size now. I told my uncle, I'm a fuck this motherfucker. I just need a backup. As long as my uncle was there, we just had a fucking backup. He did this kid for real? And you know what D, I went to see him like seven years ago. You played at the House of Blues. I was at the comedy store and I was still doing coke. I was still doing cocaine and he was old.

He was fucking old, Patato, right? And I went to the House of Blues and they say the show started at 11. It was like 10, 30, and he goes, Patato, right? And they go, yeah, he's in the green room. And I walked in and I said to him, do you remember me? And he looked at me and he goes, holy shit. And he got up and he hugged me and he started crying. And he goes, you used to fucking torment me when you were a kid. And he said something. He hugged me. He goes, you used to torment me when you were a kid. And within 10 minutes he was like, where's the cocaine? And he goes, get me something. You got to get me something. Wow. He used to hang out at your mother's bar a lot. Once I was at the bar and your

mother told me something to hold. Hey, would you hold this for me? And he saw it. I said, did I see this guy? Hey, will you give me something? Will you what? Give me something, please. Please. Give me what I wish he gave you. There's a lot of musicians that used to play that beginning at all your car. I got a quark job there for you. Oh, you're gonna bother potato and totico. Potato and totico. Oh, shit. Get the Puerto Ricans and the knives out. It's over. We're sinking that motherfucker. A little late night Cuban restaurant fucking food for you. Lee, what's up, cocksucker? Get up and wiggle for a minute. What's up with the edible? There's one little piece

there waiting on you. What's up, Lee? What's up, buddy? The church of what's happening now, baby. New Jersey this week, Thursday through Sunday, Saturday, stress factory. Oh, next week, Chicago, Zanies, three locations, Rose Mead in downtown. That's two locations. Whatever the fuck it is, all right. No, there's one in Nashville, three locations. There's one in Nashville. No, no, no. He's right. I meant two locations in two nights. There's Nashville, there's a bunch of them. Are you excited for New Jersey? Yes, I am. I'm gonna see some friends. I'm gonna... You leave tomorrow? Yeah. It's fucking amazing how many people are coming. That's gonna be great. You told me it's gonna be no material. I remember what you said. You said

at every show, you said on the recordings to the CD, you'd be driving down and you look at me. That's how we feel though, man. That's how I do. You've got to remember I have no material. These people seen me in September in Jersey. I probably have three jokes instead. I'll be all right. You have no idea. I'm gonna bring back, I can't bring back Losey Snowbush on certain nights because they know. She'll be there. She'll be there. No, I don't know that. I heard a rumor she was coming Thursday night showing the people like, are you crazy? She lives in Florida. That's hysterical. So I don't know what's gonna happen there. I got Ray Cannella coming Thursday night. Ray Cannella and his brother and Bobby Benda and the other cops, they're all coming Thursday and

Friday. I got a different group and then Saturday's the big chunk. It's Chuck McBrain and 35 people. Wow. They're coming to one show and then 20 people coming to another show. So just in kids from high school deal. I got 150 fucking people. I had to stop my phone today. If you guys thought shut the window was big, you guys might get arrested this weekend. 35 people. 35 for the late show. Is Danny B coming down? Danny B will be there Friday night. He's taping for HBO. He's taping for somebody. Okay. He's taping for somebody, a gambling show. So he's coming to watch the shows. They got permission to shoot. It's gonna be fucking crazy. Oh shit. HBO special. So yeah, no, it's no HBO special. Get it together, cocksucker. Don't be uttering those words and I'll get

screwed. I'm gonna fuck you up. So what's up with you, Deal? What's going on for the future? You still work every fucking weekend. How old are you, Deal? 70 fucking five. You still roll around on the floor every week. He still serves cocktails. He goes down there on Mondays and cleans up the fucking bottles. Look at him. This is why he's still a young fucking man. Five miles a day, man. Five miles a day, Monday through fucking Friday. He has sleep apnea. You still got it? This is bad. It's still good. It's good. It's okay. It's control. But that's not bad, guys. This is what it's all about. It's taking care of yourself and not... Dude, I'll be fucking lucky if I look half as good as you if I make it 25. I'll be the lucky. Change your diet and stop eating all them

french fries and all that stuff. It'll be okay. My girlfriend got me off red meat. That's a big one. The more red meat, it's amazing how much better I've been. It's amazing. With me, it's the soda. Soda is a killer. I even stopped taking the diet zone. Diet's even worse, Joe. Diet's worse. I stopped eating the white bread. Oh, that's horrific. You had to kill that. You had to kill that. Yeah, I killed all that shit. Diet soda is a worse than regular soda. I got 20 years here. I look at my uncle, he's 75. I'm 51. That means, you know, if everything goes as planned, I have that longevity. Our grandmother lived to how old she was? 93. Wow. I could see mercy at 20. That would be a beautiful fucking watch. They'll

happen. They'll grow up to be a woman. So this is why I go to the kettlebells. Like tomorrow, I'm going to leave at 8.30. I'm thinking, oh, wait, I know I'm going to wake up before. Yeah. And at one point I'm going to go outside and throw kettlebells for fucking 30 minutes. I know it before I get on that plane because I'm sick about it. I'll take tomorrow off and then Wednesday and then Friday and Saturday I'll work out at the hotel. What time's your flight tomorrow? Eight. 8 a.m.? That's not bad. No, because I got everything. I already got upgraded. Oh, shit, man. That's great. I'm ready to dare and back. Fuck that. Bang, zoom. First on, man. I got to get to the airport early because then you get

that spot by the elevator. Yeah. You know, I fucking mack on that shit early. If you go to any afternoon, it's not there. Those aren't days. You got to drive around in circles. So now when you get off the plane on Sunday, you got to walk three miles. Fuck you. I want to park right by the fucking elevator. I get there and there's six spots right there. I could pick my own. I could park in three of them. Did you and Burbank or LAX? Gotta do LAX to go cross country. You know, unless I want to go to JFK, I got no business up in JFK. Right. So I got no business unless I want to take True Blue and end up in fucking whatever the fuck. Was it True Blue? JetBlue. JetBlue, whatever the fuck it is. And I end up in goddamn JFK on a Thursday afternoon. JFK's bad?

Well, I'm going, you know, I'm going two worlds apart. Yeah. That's like me landing on Ontario at five o'clock to try to make it over here by seven by seven. That's not gonna happen. So why are we doing that? To save a hundred bucks, aggravate somebody. No way. That's all you're doing is aggravating one of your friends. You know, you call them to those. That's when motherfuckers call you and go, you know, pick me up the night before they go, Oh, Kennedy. And you're like, what? Not knew it. No, I told, no, you never fucking told me. I wouldn't agree. You didn't specify. Hey, picking you up and fucking Kennedy. Yeah. It's like people calling you and going, Oh, yeah, yeah. And you're like, yeah, pick you up and awesome. They're like, Oh,

Ontario, uh, wait a minute. It looks like you'd be on that motherfucking 210. I hope you put a skateboard in that backpack, bitch. Fuck you, Theo. No, these people are crazy. And when you usually take those planes, it's the same eight dollars. It's even eight dollars, guys. They're gonna get in your car. Well, to do what? To fly in the middle of the night. We did enough of that as comedians. You know, the fucking buses I took as a comic, you know, I lived on Greyhound. Oh, fuck, man. I paid my fucking dues on a bus. I could get pink eye doing a show. That was the longest I took was from New York City, Port Authority of Dallas on a Greyhound. I was doing that's what four days gotta be, right? That's a three, three interest Sunday at eight.

Oh, it's express at least express. Okay. Monday at like four. Yeah. Yeah. I got to the night. That's the first time ever I saw the Dallas Stadium Cowboys the cowboy and I almost shit might like I was crying on the bus, but I had to keep it together. Yeah, man. I got to the train station at the bus station was John Westling a comic from Houston. Yeah. This is 1996. I was in New York, and I was gonna take a flight on Tuesday. And everything fell through. Like I went to the you know, like when you go to New York, you want to do spots, I call stand up and we don't know what you're talking about. I call another club and like we have 15 people and I go and I call one of my buddies, I couldn't get a hold of him. I call one of my other buddies, he had a work

hotel. I said, wait a second. So all this shit I'm doing, I'm gonna stay here and spend $3,000 with a hotel and go back to the Jersey back over here to get weed. No way. You know what? I went to Puerto Rico, what's your next train? Buster Dallas. We have an express cut through Notre Dame, it cut through Indianapolis. It went south went up and over right down. It was fucking tremendous. Yeah. It's a day and a half or something. So I paid my dues guys. This is why I know about flying. And this is why I'm picky about it. And if you ever want to fly and you want the best fucking rally, uncle, you're gonna fly off that fucking chair any minute you're going back and forth there. I love it. Lee Syat finished at Gumi. We ain't stopping this podcast. Do you eat that Gumi

dough? So we're going till tomorrow. So we're going till tomorrow. We're going straight into the fucking nerds or us. It's all over for you. I'll be ready. This fucking guy, you believe that thing with your little striped shirt. I swear to God, she just flipped all that shit right in the fucking solar plexus. It was the last time somebody showed this picture. Dio, what else? You miss Cuba? You know, it's a country you're born. So Cuba's different than here. You know, I remember when I was 15, I was already a man. I was never a teenager. Like here, you see all the kids, they did this. They did that. All they're just teenagers. Were you cute? I was never a teenager. I remember being a fucking teenager. I was a man at 15. There was no time

to make teenage mistakes. Right. You couldn't make mistakes like kids make. No. You couldn't do it. So if it's an excuse to say, oh, they did it because they're stupid, you know. A teenager, what does it mean? Stupid. Exactly. It's just getting easy excuse. I was never a kid. I was always a man. You gotta be a man. I had the same problem to you. I always, I always think about Michael Jackson. That was his main story about why he turned out like it was. You know what? I don't remember being a little kid. Didn't already let me be a little kid, Lazaro. She didn't allow it. She didn't allow it. You know, me and Lee have had, I see, I hear that fucking Lee. That's the third headphone. Someone's phone's going off. All right. Shut those fucking

things off. I'm gonna kill my mother fuck this. No. But you know what? You just hang out with men. You, as a kid, no kids. Yeah. No kids around. There was no kids around. Nobody. It was, whose phone is still going off here? It's not mine. Is that yours? Lee, you have your phone going off here? No. Mine's good. No. I don't have a telephone. It's weird how sometimes I always, I feel bad about myself sometimes. Like when I feel down about myself, like, wow, I never really had that. I don't, I play with comic books for three months. And we couldn't rob the comic books. I lost interest. You know, everything was always based around money when I was a kid. Like I didn't do all that shit that kids did. I didn't make a move unless there was six bucks involved in it for me.

You know, when we robbed, whatever. It was just something that didn't allow it. I don't think. I didn't have a, I didn't have a, I wasn't treated like a kid. I didn't have a curfew. I wasn't treated like a fucking kid. Like, I ran like an overhead. Leave me. Leave me. That's what my mom, like, I was a little, you know what I mean? I love the comic books. I love the video games, all that shit. But my mom did the same thing. Never a curfew. Never any, and then she even told me, so if you're going to do drugs, I'll never forget she sat me down when I was a freshman in high school. So you do them here with me first, because I want to make sure that you

don't react badly to them. If you're ever doing drugs, you're doing it with me first. And I was like, all right. She, she was no like, but it was like that. It was no curfew. You know what I mean? It's just really weird how I never, if my mom never really baby talked to me when I was in she said childhood, I never really had one. And I'm happy my uncle came on the show today to, you know, we were gonna, what's going on, Lee? Why are your pants formed down? Were you wacking on what we got here? I wish. Jesus Christ. How many podcasts do you do now, Lee? Lee does 19. He does six. Something like that. Lee, you better eat that fucking gummy bear. Dude, I had a half already. Eat the gummy bear, please. Is it all in the fine two banners? Eat the fucking thing.

Is that our network? Is that our network? That's it. That's it, Lee. Look how fucking nice of this. Look how fucking nice of this. See how nice the fucking nettle bull is? I can't. I can't break my uncle's balls about robbing him. And 84. I can't. He'll shock him. He'll shock him. That's why I can't ask him. You know what's fascinating, though, is the Cuba stories. It's the, it's the, it's like the who saying, meet the, the, meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Sounds like it, the day the damn thing changed. No matter who you overthrow, no matter who, it sounds like it was the same shit over and over and over again. No matter who got overthrown, no matter who got, you know, it sounds like it was the same old shit that they had to live with. It's just

it's good to have my uncle on tonight just to show you people. I do have fucking family. You know, I don't want you people to think I was a fucking martinoid and shit. It's good that he came up tonight. He's older and he, I spoke to him in the afternoon. He's like, I don't know what information I remember. He's a sharp as a fucking tack people. And that's what I love about the fucking guy. So I'm happy you motherfuckers tuned in tonight. We had a good little talk here, you know, but it's just weird that we're lucky with the freedoms that we have. And there's times I feel communist sometimes because I hear people talking about a president or I hear people talking about Obama or here and I'm like, how can you backbite the president? How can you backbite,

you know, our own country? Because that's not allowed in Cuba. As the story he told him, 19th fucking 79 that this isn't allowed in Cuba. And what's amazing is that was 79. That was 79. I mean, think about it. That wasn't in that wasn't in the 1600s. No, that was 1979. When it was a lot more stricter, when he did that embargo, when he did the not the embargo, the not the Bay of Pigs, when he let them out to Mario Leto, all that shit. That's when he made the speech. And I don't want these dumb motherfuckers, you know, I don't want them, you take them, you throw them all out. And he gave us the fucking prisoners of his country. But it's just good to know that I have family and I've learned a lot from talking to him over the years. I've learned

a lot about who I am by having him here. We reconnected in 2009. I didn't talk to him for 25 years exactly, almost to the day. And I went to an audition and I was in Malibu. And as I drove down the beach, I remember who had taken me there. And I picked up my phone, a number that I hadn't dialed in 25 years came back to me. Just like that. And I dialed the number. And he answered. Do you know anything? Did you like learn stuff about your mom? You didn't even know? Yeah. And I apologized. I said, Uncle, I fucked up. And I, I'm sorry. You know, I fucked up. I was on drugs. I didn't know what I had done. He said fine. And we met for lunch. And, you know, we met my wife. And now he's in love with my daughter. And we talked three times a week when I

talked to him, I could hear my mother's voice. Yeah. And his voice, you know, I could hear my mother's voice. So it brings me back. And he's told me, you know, a thousand fucking times, little different stories. And now I know who I am. I know who the fuck I am. I don't want to sound like Mickey Rourke on Angel Heart. You didn't know who the fuck he was. I know who the fuck I am, because even a little stories like that he came here, when he was 19, he wasn't scared, you know, all these little things that they're a part of who the fuck I am. So yeah, it's very interesting if you people have uncles and aunts. So I don't have this in my life. And I just re-communicated with this from 2009. And it's made me a lot of richer human being.

He's told me little things that put pieces together. I know he's held back some stuff, because there's some wild fucking stuff. Yeah. But at least he's still here. I took him to a Dodger game last year. He's a baseball guy. And that's it, people. That's all I got to fucking tell you. We spoke about Anna. We spoke about Dollar Shave Club. Yeah. We spoke about fucking Hulu Plus. I'm going to tell you who else is fucking on fire. Tell me who else. What are you? This is Black Church now. You mean how valuable is it? I tell you who's on fire now that everybody who's fucking digging it, I'm even digging a lot more. Nature's Box. Nature's Box, those fucking snacks, they're nutritionist approved. The first time you order, order a ton of them,

because it's 50 fucking percent off the price. 50 percent off. That's not bad. They ship to you every fucking month. The Cocoa Mormons, the French Toast Granola. Who got the French Toast Granola? The kid from Nashville. That's what Nashville fucking talked about. I want to try the bagel snacks. Guys, this shit is not fucking around. Please go to joeydeers.net. Go to Nature's Box, press in. Joey. Bam. Get 50 percent off your first order. Make sure you know they will ship to you on the first of every month. You can switch it around. Healthy snacks where you watch TV before you whack off, before you watch Breaking Bad on Hulu. Whatever the fuck you watch on Hulu Plus, you can watch it while you're eating something from Nature's Box. That's what I'm saying here.

So go to Nature's Box and the joeydeers.net. What do you press in Nature's Box? Joey. Boom. And I talked to the people today, my beautiful people, the Alonzo brothers up there, nailed it. Life.com is fucking on for the month of March. They said, you guys have been, it's a fucking tremendous pen. It's a tremendous vapor pen and it's for 50 fucking dollars. And if you mentioned Joey Diaz or Joey what? Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz. No space. You get 20 percent on them. So that means you get the pen for 40 fucking dollars and they shipped it to you. We're going to get that type of action. Do these people know about what's going on? Do they know? They're the inventors of Gumi's and Mano's. Do you ever eat the Gumi's and Mano's? Lee, tell them what happened. There's

nothing. What happens to you? You get fucked up. Like the devil. He's a fucking wanker, dude. I told you, this is the Valdez estate. You know, I remember my blood lines goes right back to Columbus on the boat. Go to Columbus on the boat. There's a Diaz and there's a Valdez. Fuck all that shit. We're talking about Nature's Box.com. We're talking about NailedItLife.com. We're talking about HuluPlus.com. We're talking about Annette.com. And we're talking about fucking DollarShaveClub.com. That's what we're talking about tonight. And that's what the church of what's happening is bringing you tonight's special edition with Jerry fucking LaRoche over here. Thanks for having me, buddy. Tremendous. I love this

fucking clown. This fucking beauty. And JoeyDia.net. She's not going to get a .net in there. Listen. Too many documents hanging around. I'm going to fucking stab you with this clumped sunglasses. Although what? You're going to go for a walk tomorrow. Every day I want to report it. Where you walked, what time you walked and what you thought about. You know I knew you didn't walk? I did walk. I went to get real lunch. You know how I know you didn't walk? How? Because you would have called me back with an idea. I did call you back with an idea. Not with an idea. You would have called me back and said, you know what I was thinking about? Maybe we should do this because I went for a walk and I cleared out my mind. That's how I know you

didn't go for a walk. I did too. Don't fucking lie to me. You're my favorite part about all this is is how you both impersonate each other. I think that's my favorite part. You each have an impersonation I'm trying to get your circulation. Look at you. You're red. You have to give me a fucking full edible. I didn't give you a full edible. I gave you half an edible and I ate even the tip of it so I wouldn't give you over 50%. That's 30 milligrams of THC. Are we going to have this conversation again? It's not 30 milligrams. It's 250 milligrams. No, it's not 250. That's what it says on there. The front is 70 milligrams of THC. It's fucking green horned. Why would I lie to my best buddy in the world? Do you think

I'm in business to fucking break your balls? Yes. I'm in business because I look how cute your little hairdo looks. Look at that face. That's a fucking Jew face right there. That's beautiful. Look at you. Neelia Samuels. I don't know what happened. I love you. Straighten out the flying Jew. Neelius always has a fucking common for us. Where's my uncle at? He's drumming in the bathroom. The fucking drums in the bathroom. I don't know if you want to talk about yours, but we got a... I ordered the shirts yesterday so in two weeks flying duty shirts will be out. Shirts will be coming. Patches will be coming. Cups will be coming. Look at this. We've got a full fucking display coming up for you. Lee's in charge. Don't worry about nothing. We will let you know

to release dates and get this fucking party started, right? So for you motherfuckers who want to, who knows about two weeks? I know about two weeks. They don't know nothing. Go to leaside.com. You still got to go down there and pick them up and you might get hit by a fucking truck on the way up. Relax. Just tell them the shirts are coming. Put that money under the fucking mattress next to the dead tooth and once you get it, the shirts go up. You got money for the t-shirts and everything. They're going to be cheap. They're tremendous quality shirts. We got flying Jew fucking radio and Churchill what's happening now. That's what we do for you motherfuckers. We're all trying to put it together here every day and I try to switch it up on a guest in

times just to keep it a little bit more interesting for people. That's all I'm trying to do and to get the stories out there that inspire you and we laugh and we goof around and but this is what the fucking is a Wednesday. It's a Tuesday fucking night. The Churchill what's happening now. I ate the edibles. I went to jujitsu today. I lasted and it's a beautiful day to be alive. Sweet. I want to thank Jerry LaRoca. I want to thank Lazaro. Boom, boom. My uncle and I want to thank my main man the house to flying Jew. You're going to do a tournament soon? No, I'm not going to do a tournament. Why? You went to the little meeting and yeah. Terrible. So what? Because I'm terrible. They must have white belt matches don't they? White belts for fat people over 50. Why would you insult me?

You know what I'm saying? I think it'd be fun. I will tell you when I'm ready. I have to start going to classes considerably two times a week at night and breathing and I really have to put some work into this now that I'm not smoking no more. Okay. So it's going to take some time. You're noticing a big difference with that? It is the scariest fucking thing because now I got too much fucking air. I'm expecting to be breathing heavy and I'm not. So when I go, I'm getting too much coming in. Now it's all coming in. It's not getting lost in that reefer pipes and that's what's going on with me. So it's amazing how your life works. I'm getting anxiety from it because now I'm getting too much fucking it. So hopefully I go better early. Like I said, I'll get up early, throw some

kettlebells around, at least do 10 sets of swings in the middle of the fucking night right by my car outside like I did last week and get the fuck out of it and get on that plane. Okay. You know what's funny? I was watching, you know how Vice has these video documentaries? You have this thing like a couple of weeks ago. He said, if you need a blowtorch to get high, you have a fucking problem. Vice did this thing with this guy in Colorado about the dams. That shit is fucking scary. They're blowing houses up. It's like a little mad lab and they have to take a blowtorch and like it like, like they have to heat it up so high that it melts the wax or something. Jesus Christ. Guys, I got high for 30 years. I'm a dirty fucking high. I love getting high,

but there's some shit. There's a line I draw. Certain things you don't mess. I was telling somebody about heroin today. I really, the first time I did it was at Gunter Brown's house and I snorted it and guys, I don't know what happened. You know, people yelled at me on YouTube and I told the story because they said, you don't hallucinate. I was fucking 16. Who knows what the fuck I saw. I didn't see the Virgin Mary strip and I didn't remember seeing some crazy. I remember puking and I remember thinking to myself, even at that, when you do heroin, let me tell you something about heroin. You're in pain. That's deeper than your girlfriend cheating on you. That's something, something, somewhere twitched and you went out there and it's

dark. And it made you turn to that because it's a dark hide and then we look at pictures of Clapton and Bowie and you know, it doesn't look like coke and weed. You could say it looks fun. You see the whole like the guys just like who like, especially in the city, they're just like, just nodding on. Yeah, the ones are not not. It's something that you never understood it, but you have to consider that person's pain. Where's that person's pain at that they put themselves in that. And even at that age at 16, when I was going through what I was going through, I wasn't that much pain. I needed to feel that way. And I made a conscious effort and every, you know, I did it again two years later. I must have done it again. Then I did it again in 94.

And I did it again, you know, six years ago, you know, because I was just desperate and it worked. And it was cleaning me up from the blow. So the experiment that I did worked, but I wouldn't suggest it. But it was just, it's so weird, the levels of fucking pain. I didn't even know how we got in this conversation. That's how fucking stoned I am with the dabs, the dabs. But I know one thing I know that I didn't want to. I know that there's times I want to get high. Like, there was a couple of years ago when you come over and I had three big bongs. Yeah. And in my heart, it wasn't me. I wasn't even using these fucking bombs. Let me say big, you mean like they were huge. Yeah, they were fucking huge. So it was the weirdest fucking thing that I didn't want

those in my house. It was always weird to me because you always smoke like the tabletop one. And I was like, yeah, these huge monster ones are when you go for 30 years, I've been smoking pot. Let's get some out of the way. Let's see. 51. The truth, the truth. I've been smoking pot for 1977, maybe. So that's 36 years. That's fucking 37, 38 years of my life. Okay. If I tell you guys that's the weirdest Joey Diaz secret, I never wanted a bong in my house. You know why? It's too much commitment. I didn't want to commit to smoking pot like that. I like smoking pot for who the fuck I was. Not to be like a cool guy. I never thought to be cool. I smoked pot because I needed it. I liked how it made me feel. That's how my mom is. I would calm me down. I would put me to

sleep at night. It did all these good things to me at night. That's why I smoke pot, not because I want to hang out at high times and be the comic of the month, smoking dope or whatever. That's not what I want to do. But once it's like blow, I like doing blow. And I went to a party one night and they were cooking it and blow torching it. And it wasn't for me. I don't want to see a fucking if I need to blow towards them. So I made that statement two weeks ago on Rogan that I made again on the church. A lot of people got pissed off. Listen, man, I'm not judging you. What I'm saying is I don't want to have fucking a tank, a fucking blow torch on my tank next to my computer. I don't think it came. I don't care how clean the high is or whatever. I want you to think about

what I'm fucking telling you. Nobody needs a fucking blow torch on their fucking thing. I don't care how bad. Oh, it's a clean high. Don't fucking aggravate me versus what I'm telling you. It's a fucking blow torch, no matter how the fuck you look at it. So please, there's drugs that are fucking great. You think I want to be here with this fucking mutton, this fucking Jamal? Fuck no. I'd rather be in Chinatown, getting my dick sucked from some Asian shit on two bags, number fucking two. Jerry, I'm going to take that phone. I'm going to fucking step on it in 10 minutes with two bags of fucking number two. I'm going to do some fucking heroin and that's it. I don't want to do comedy. I don't want to take a plane. I don't want to see nobody from high school. I

was a nobody, but you can't do it because you know, you'll end up fucking dead. Same thing with a blow torch. Something's going to fucking happen. Remember, what's that combustion you learned in the third grade? It's spontaneous combustion. You take a paint can, you put a rag in it, and you put it in the attic, and eventually it'll fucking blow. Same fucking thing with that goddamn fucking torch in your living room. What if you leave the heat on? You know, the lady who takes care of the baby, she's a great cleaner. She's Mexican, but she always leaves the 409 by the stove. Don't leave the fucking 409 by the stove. I didn't think it happened. Somebody compressed the fucking, the fucking toast and the spark comes out. I've read fucking crazier things.

You've heard a crazier fucking things. No question. How did that building go down? You're not going to believe it. The maid left 409, left to the fucking stove, and there was a spark or something. It's always dumb shit. It's everything amazing. It's always something stupid that sends it up. I don't know the full chemistry, so don't get mad at me, but the way they explained it in the video was they take a fucking thing of weed and one kerosene through it, which doesn't seem safe or healthy. That's fucking crazy. Or even a hive. What are you doing at the house? And then somehow you burn off the kerosene and you only get, apparently it's the most pure way to do it, but would you eat red soaked in kerosene? It doesn't seem... It just seems to me, oh look,

if you have to do all this to smoke pot, you should probably be doing something heavier than pot. You know what I mean? I have friends that I trust, that old medical marijuana stores that I trust, but I go in and I tell them what I want. I tell them the edible strength, we talk, and I can tell they're knowledgeable. Remember, if there's 20 medical marijuana stores, eight of them know what the fuck they're doing. The other 12 are just fucking jerks off. It's like 90% of these fucking people walking around with a diva indica. They don't know. I'm talking about when you look a motherfucker in the eye and you go, hey motherfucker, I want to get stoned. They go, dog, this is the shit. They kill fucking whatever. This is the shit. And you bring it home and you

get stoned and you drool. There's certain people that tell you the truth. There's certain people and there's a kid that I trust and all that stuff. And I said, hey man, what do you think of this? And he goes, it gets you fucked up faster. But I ended up in the hospital for three weeks of pneumonia because of the chemicals in the lungs or something like that. Yeah, doesn't seem right. You don't need that. You're looking at me going, Joe, you're a fat fuck. Look at your face. Listen, whatever. I know that you're young. I don't want you to be 30 and go fucking walking around with a cough because I smoke kerosene. Nobody knows what it's going to do 10 years from now. I don't want to know, but I do know one thing. I do know for all you fucking purists, God put it on this

planet. It's a plant. So why the fuck do you add in kerosene to it? You know what I'm saying? Why the fuck do you add in kerosene to it? You know, and you hear about that baseball player today who talked about his struggle with addiction to marijuana and he went to rehab and he went through withdrawals. That was the funniest thing to me. Give me a favor. Send him an email. Tell him to suck my dick. People get addicted to marijuana. Tell him to suck my dick. 30 fucking years. I just quit two weeks and it doesn't even bother me. I'm even smoking the vapor pen tonight. Don't get me wrong. I ate a fucking. You're two islands on different levels. I'm fucking high as a kite. I love you cocksuckers. Thank you for being a part of the church. Thank Jerry LaRocca. Thanks for

having me. Thank Lisa. We're back next Monday. We're back Wednesday the 19th with Adam Corolla. We got some great guests coming up. So thank you fucking very much for the live podcast, April something. Don't worry about nothing. We love you. Stay black. I want to thank all the sponsors. I want to thank everybody who reaches out to us. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial. That's my mic. Hold on. The Hulu Plus that you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet, support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeydias.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for

dollarshaveclub.com. You get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeydias.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Now that the podcast is over, remember to go to naturebox.com and order great tasting healthy snacks at half off 50% off snacks murder in the new year with healthy andalusia treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey naturebox.com promo code Joey and for all the hash and wax smokers out there go to naileditlife.com mention Joey Diaz with no spaces and you get 20% off of the best vapor

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