Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #156 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ..... It’s Wednesday, April 20th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Lucy.co & CBD Lion.…. Go to https://www.Lucy.co Use PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% OFF! Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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It's like fucking St. Joe's Day. It's for motherfucking 20 on the motherfucking horizon. You know, and it's fun to see all the shit that's popping up. It's the first four 20 in Manhattan. So that basically going to lose their fucking minds today. I'm doing the podcast. I got to do run a couple of errands. And then I'm headed over to meet a buddy of mine for dinner.

I'm going to eat a little Cubano food. And then I'm going into the city tonight bump into my girl Rachel. See what's going on there. Maybe stopped by the New York comedy club. See my man over there. I got to start going for it in the city. So I like, you know, ever since I've been back, I haven't even fucking touched my feet over there. I've been over there basically maybe five fucking times.

Let me see. Apple, the audition for Apple, the premiere. I don't know what else I went in for. It's, it's, it's sad. It's, I even told my wife the other day, I go, it's sad that I've been back here two years. And I could count on my hands on my one hand. How many times I went into that city. The other night we were watching desperately seeking Susan.

This is a movie that Madonna came out with an 85. I don't know if nobody even remembers this fucking movie. That's why when it was on, I had like a half hour to kill and it was ending. So I caught the last half hour. If you've never seen desperately seeking fucking Susan, it's Madonna had baby fat. That's how young she was. She was just a fucking girl, you know, but she had blown the fuck up and she blew up in the best fucking city in the world to do. She blew up in New York city.

So I mean, I still remember being in 85. I ran in that city from like, that's all I would do. I didn't have a job. I was just stealing, you know, I was helping a friend of mine. I was stealing things from offices. I was just being a fucking man. It was, it was not good. I got a little job before I left and I put the pieces together and then I got my lawsuit and I got the fuck out of here.

But those were like the best six months of my fucking life. I had no responsibility. I lived in Fort Lee. I would wake up in the morning. Like it's, I would work for like two weeks, put away enough money. Maybe bump into a job, maybe sell an ounce of coke and then I would take two weeks off. And then when I would get broke, I would fucking do the same shit over and over again. Holy, I used to put on like a suit and go to like Fort Lee, the other side of Fort Lee.

And they had a bunch of office buildings and shit. And I would walk through the office buildings looking for Mike. There's Mike around. No, there's no Mike here. I would just walk in offices looking for Mike when somebody was in the bathroom or something. I rub the fucking office and take, I don't, I don't miss that shit at all those days. I remember still like my routine was simple. I'd wake up, do a little workout on the Jersey side, take a shower and shoot up, walk up to Fort Lee.

If I had $10, I was fine with it. $10 is all I needed to get me to the fucking Chinese restaurant and to get over the city. If I had $8, I was fine because I would eat the Chinese lunch. I would go into the name of the restaurant with these was the Enchanted Lily. I would go in there every fucking day. Guys, when I tell you how we going to Enchanted Lily every fucking day, it was like on Main Street and Fort Lee on the side. I would eat and then I would head to the fucking the bridge and either walk over if I was broke. Or if I was living like a doctor, like if I had three bucks, forget about it.

I'm getting on the fucking bus and I go, but I even had it to the point where I could front weed on the streets of New York. I knew the street dealers that I could front fucking weed from. That is pathetic. And then I asked to join them and then I sold weed for like an hour when I robbed them. The story of my life. I would head over to 187 right down Amsterdam. Get to 10s. Then from there, even though I eat Chinese food, I go to a park on West Side Avenue.

I'd roll a joint, finish it and head into the fucking 184th and Broadway. And I fucking get some boliche and some fucking Cuban food. And then when I finished there, I go back to the park, roll another fucking joint, put my walking on and just walk. I would start on 184th Street and I go, let's see how far I could walk down today. And I would go to like 155, see the A train, walk past it, go to like the 143rd, the A train, walk past it. I would get all the way down to like 125. I would walk from 184th Street to 125th Street with a walking on, listening to fucking rat. The first album, I forget the name of it.

I had a couple albums in my kit then I had like rat. I had a couple, I had like rat. I had, I think I had like one of the Black Sabbath albums. I had, what's that fucking U2? No, no, yeah, I had U2 War. Whatever the album is, one of the earlier ones. I had a couple things on fucking and my CD was so good. My CD player, I bought an amplifier.

You could buy an amplifier for your Walkman in those days. So I, on 42nd Street, I had all those Israeli guys, those Arabs selling stereos and shit. I would go in there and fucking get, I had, oh my God, I had the fucking Walkman with the equalizer. It was louder than fuck. People could not be like, why do you listen to this? I like my music loud bitches. But back to fucking Madonna and desperately seeking Susan. When I saw that movie, I used to go to movies every fucking day, every day in 85.

I would go to movies maybe three times a week, catch a double feature on 181st and Broadway there. There was like a, on Broadway, there was like a black movie theater. I would fucking go in there and jump up and down with the brothers. If I didn't have enough money to go to movies with the brothers, I would go down two blocks. And there was a movie that like two bucks, you catch two movies from the 80s. Like, you know, first full of dollars and for a few dollars more. Like they always had those double, you know, they would have like two Clint Eastwood movies. And that movie theater was disgusting and doubled as a porno theater.

So the floors were sticky and shit. If you sat in a neutral position for more than 10 minutes, you better have some nail polish remover for your fucking sneakers. Because that shit, that old sperm is worse than 10 fucking crazy glue fucking guns. Your feet would stick to that motherfucker, but I didn't give a fuck. I was 21, I was walking around New York City like I owned the fucking place. When I had dough, when I robbed the gas station, I would shoot into the village and fucking buy pills at Washington Square Park. And go to McSawley's and have a mug of fucking beer. And oh my God, New York City was such a fucking playground for a kid.

One of the, listen, one of the biggest pains I have. Yes, I had like the pain of losing my mother and the pain of my daughter and another ton of pains. But I got to be honest with you, the biggest fucking pain, the toughest thing I ever did in my life was leave New York City in 85. Because I was on my way, I was doing pretty good when I left. And number two, New York City was on fucking fire. You know, it's hard. I tell my wife all the time, it's tough to describe New York City to people. Like I was telling you guys last week, and I say it on stage, when New York City catches a cold, when New York City sneezes, everybody catches a cold. And I truly have always believed that because I saw the power in New York.

In 84, if you went to 80, if you went to New York like I did and walked around and then you got on a plane and went to LA, two different fucking energies. How do I know? Cause I did it. I was in LA fucking two weeks in 84 and it sucked compared to New York City. I mean, it was a vibrant, they had sunset strip and all that shit, but New York was New York. Five fucking barrows of people getting stabbed. You can't fucking buy that shit anywhere else. You understand me? And when I say people getting stabbed, yeah, people getting stabbed, but you've had a good time in New York. You had a fucking music scene. I gotta be honest with you, that was second to none. I'm spoiled now. Like people like Jimmy Florentine is always like, you want to go see this show? You want to go see that show? Not really. Not fucking really. You know, I saw these bands 30 years ago in a small place for a third, for a fucking third of what we're paying now.

A third. Sheila E. Prince and Nucleus at the fucking Rick's or the Roxy. You know, 15 bucks. 15 bucks for Prince, Nucleus. And this is a 1984 album. It don't get no stronger than that, but don't come to me with your fucking bullshit. You know, I saw all these little fucking bands all over the place. I went to see Shade at a fucking restaurant on the first album in 85 in New York City. Who could tell you that shit? You know, I didn't, I didn't know what the fuck. It's not like I was Mr. Fucking Entertainment. You know, I'm no Julie McCoy, but I had friends that would go this band is playing here. This guy, you know, they were limo drivers in the city or bartenders in the city and they had their ear on that shit. You know, they didn't advertise Shade. You weren't going to get advertising. You know, I still remember fucking it being like 80, 78, 81. Like the 81 Stones tour. Like there were fucking rumors that they would play in IAC to warm up in the city.

The Stones would call up a club and say, Hi, we're the traveling fucking douchebags. And we want to play your club and they would go okay. And all of a sudden Mick Jagger, Keith Richards would walk in and it'd be fucking Ron Wood and it'd be the Stones doing an impromptu set. Anyone in the fucking city. That's why when, when you listen to the Rolling Stones, some girls, you could hear the grittiness of New York City. That's why I'm really proud of that. I was a kid. I was a fucking kid. And I watched the Stones on Sign That Live and all these people going crazy. And I'm like, Hey, that's around the corner from me. When they were up there fucking doing shattered and all skinny and shit on heroin and jumping up and down. They were doing all that shit in fucking New York City. New York City was a fucking metropolis for a kid. It was just a fucking man. If you went into the city with 200 bucks, you had the time of your life. Pills, cocaine, bitches drinking on the street, staying hot all fucking afternoon, like all fucking morning.

How many times I went into the city at three in the fucking morning? Who goes out at three in the morning? No, maybe my buddies who got like a 930 sitting at Jersey bar till nine or three. And then at three in the morning go, what are we going to do? Are you going to go home? Fuck no. We shoot over until we go to this place, Ernie's bar on 38th Street, going from Kelly Boulevard down to my old house. After three o'clock, Ernie would sleep on this pool tent. He would be hammered and you would bang on the fucking door. Ernie, open up. Ernie would come on. What the fuck do you want? Give me two cases of beer. You better have cash and you better be there full amount. We give them the full amount here. The coldest fucking beer in the world. We put them in spackle buckets. Like those buckets of spackle. We put ice on it. We get a bag of ice from them. The beers were already fucking three quarters frozen. We shoot into the city. We put a mirror on the hood of the fucking car. We take our beers out and we drink from 330 in the morning to possibly 6,630 outside.

Nobody would say a word. When you're 18, you know how fucking strong you feel when you've stayed out till saying you tell your friends, like what did you do to us? No. I stayed home and watched fucking the movie with the dog and get the fuck out of here. I went out. We went to Joe Marry's and then at three o'clock we hit the fucking city. We went over there. We snorted coke till seven in the morning. We bumped into some freaks. Then we came home, went to bed. They picked you up at 12 again. They got a nice little lunch at Hashways. A nice little fucking turkey in Swiss. Heavy on the salt and pepper. Fucking little potato salad. A bag of wise potato chips. A can of pepperoncinis and a 32 oz fucking coke. And then keep that fucking party alive. It was just tough to fucking duplicate again. And I'll tell you, like I said to you, 1985 to leave New York City, that was a task in itself. It broke my heart. I'll never forget that fucking plane ride going. God damn it. I can't believe all these bands are coming.

All these fucking... I remember going to see the last summer I was here. I went to see Rod Stewart with that fucking douchebag that didn't show up. Early in the morning, I can't sleep. What's that fucking guy's name? The guitar player that's fucking crazy. He fucking canceled. I went to see Hewa Lewis in the news. I went to see Springsteen. I went to see Michael Jackson and his fucking six brothers. I went to see Prince. I saw all that shit in 84. Oh my God. It was like one after the other. One after the other. You figure. Fucko had born in the USA. The other fucking Michael Jackson had victory tour. I mean, all this music was out. I went to see the pretenders. I went to see the pretenders at the garden on the fucking Monday night. It was just amazing, the concerts that were coming. I could have all these venues and fuck the metal bands in the Nassau Coliseum because in the summer all this shit would open up the pier and all those little concert venues on the water. Come on now. Fucking tremendous. It's a shame. If this was 15 years ago, I'd be in that city four fucking times a week.

I'm excited. In a way, I'm excited to be going into the city of Duke County and I'll tell you why. I'm a fucking city guy. When you look at me, there is only one place where I'm from. When I open up my mouth, you know I'm from either or. But there's only one place where I'm gonna go over to fucking Harlem when I was a kid with my friends and I'd walk out and go get a bag of weed and go get a fucking bag of potato chips and a slice of pizza and my friends would say to me, dog, you walk around that city like it's second nature. Hello. I was fucking raised there. What do you think I stayed in playing on my fucking computer and tick tock when I was a fucking eight years old? I was fucking out there, dog. I did not. I look at my daughter this morning. They don't have no fucking school this week. So, yeah, you wake up in the morning and slow. Let me tell you something. When I was my daughter's age nine, if there was no school, I was out that fucking door at 8am. Whether it was 8am or not, because I'm one of those motherfuckers that would move the clock fast on your mother, that bitch was waking up every day to spring fucking training time.

You know, when you return the fucking clock, I remember my mother going, I don't know what the fuck happened to me today. I got to work two hours early. I wonder what happened. She said, I got to fix my watch. I know exactly what happened. I pushed that watch the fuck out. My daughter sits up there till about 10.30. Then at 10.30, I got to push her out, go over and call for the fucking Pumas. And she'll walk down the corner and she'll go out. You know, she's enthusiastic that another girl came over yesterday and played here till about two. Then all the girls got together and went to the fucking softball field. I mean, I'm honored to go out with dog. You know, like I got to be honored. Like you didn't have to tell me one fucking time. Like at all. Like that I had to go out. I was telling fucking my wife the other day of what we did.

We used to go to a fucking hardware store. We would go to Chinatown and buy those fucking kung fu stars and shit. Now those things don't come sharpened. I don't know if you guys know that shit. When you see them in a magazine and you order them, they come back and you throw them on the wall and they don't stick. You're like, what the fuck? I bought a fucking defective star. Nah, cock sucker. You got to take them down to the hardware store and the guy has to put them in a press. One of those presses and then with like a rock and they sharpen it and shit. So I remember we used to go there and he would go, guys, I don't really want to do this. Because if you take somebody's eye out, I'm responsible for who's eye we're going to take out.

I'll tell you what we're going to do. Sharpen the stars and we'll buy fucking eight chair things. They used to have these chair caps, right? If you look at your mother's chairs or any chair at the house, all chairs will not these new fucking chairs, but chairs in the 70s and 80s and maybe some in the 90s. If you look at a chair and you pick it up and you turn it upside down, it's got those circles on the bottom that aren't really connected to the chair. It's just a loose piece and it's got like a screw.

What if you unloosen that screw and take that top off, you'll see that it's like a, I don't know how to call it, like a half moon maybe, where it's like a cup of soup, but it's metal and you could empty shit in there. And when you pull the chair out, there's a black thing in there with a screw that connects. That's how it connects to that metal. But if you take the screw out of the fucking chair, you're left with the screw and the circular piece, and then you got to get a wrench and pull that piece out. And so now you just have a piece of metal.

It's like a bowl. It's like an empty bowl. What you do is you get a crayon, whatever color crayon you like, green, red, pineapple. You take a fucking crayon and you'd melt it into those circles and it gives it weight. So they could play, you could play like bottle caps only with weight. Like if you take a bottle cap, like a regular bottle of Pepsi and you fling it, that motherfucker's going to go 80 miles because it has nothing to hold it down. But if you put something in there to kind of hold it down, so I don't know who did it.

It had to be Puerto Ricans because they always play on the street. So Puerto Ricans fucking melted it. And so all those colors. So then you get a field that says like one, two, three, four, five, just like pool table, just like pool. It's a box with numbers and you got to go from one to two to three to four to five. And if you get to nine, you win the bottle cap. That's the moral of the fucking story. So you basically pay for those fucking caps and there's big ones.

There's medium ones. There's little ones who the fuck knows. I've looked at them on chairs so I could show people, but I can't find them anymore. So who gives a fucking? Something like not to scuff the floor. Who the fuck knows? I don't know. I don't give a fuck about the floor.

I just tried to do the best I can. But it's just so weird that it's the first fucking 420 in New York. They're doing shit at Webster Hall. There's got to be 20 concerts tomorrow night. Have you noticed that? Like I'm supposed to go. I'll find out everything today. I'll find out anything about an hour.

I'm supposed to go to something this afternoon with the dirty Jersey boys like an affiliate. Cause I do laughing gas. I do the laughing gas, whatever brand. And one of the rappers on dirty Jersey boys, it works with the ice cream shop also, but I do laughing gas and he does their other brand of weed. So what my, what my buddy's trying to do from laughing gas is put us together tomorrow this afternoon. I think the party starts at like five. So I would go to that, say hello, shoot up to North Bergen, meet my buddy Divo,

go get a little Cuban food. We've been over, we'll overdue for a little Cuban dinner. And then I would shoot over tonight and see my girl Rachel at motherfucking the stand. I haven't been to the new stand at all. So I'm excited about that. I'm excited to see my man Brian Morton at the New York comedy club. And I think those are the clubs I'll be working. New York comedy club and the stand because, you know, danger feels is done.

God rest danger feels. I'm not a comedy seller guy. I'm not going to sit at the table and get beat up by other comics. I'm not in the mood for that. I'm too fucking old. I don't know what happens at Carolines. I don't know what goes on at the comic strip. You know, Jimmy Fallon team told me that the, the one on 74th Street is pretty good.

I'll call him for spots there. And that's it. Like I told you motherfuckers, I ain't killing myself. This is nice and easy. I'm just getting back into the habit of writing every day, just sitting down. That's how it all starts. You know, I had to rewrite a, I had to write a, read a couple chapters in the war of art, just the art of war, the war of art, whatever the fuck it is.

There's like 18 books on Sue Johnny bananas. Who the fuck knows anymore? I just, you know, trying to do my best. And I'll go over that couple of nights a week. I'm looking forward to it, man. I'm ready for the fucking city. I've been hanging out down here in South Jersey for fucking three years. I'm ready to go into the city, start cutting this motherfucker up, Jack, just twice a week.

I'm not going to kill myself, you know, come home early. I think that the New York, I spoke to my man the other day, the New York comedy club on 20th Street. The show seven, nine and 11. So I'll always try to catch the early show fucking. I'll try just to fucking close the early show, try new material. Listen, if I can't come up with 20 minutes by June, I'm a sack of shit. Do you know what I'm saying? 20 minutes I can come up with.

That's why I decided to do this tour. Like I said, it's very easy. I got to call Burke today and see what the fuck is going on. I think the tour starts for me in Bristol, Tennessee, which I'm excited about. I'm a little scared because it's right outside of Knoxville. Last time I went to Knoxville, the girl sucks my dick and fucking her boyfriend. Her husband found out and he wanted the fucking, he wanted his $40. Oh my God.

Every time I think of that story, I think of what I, you know, going on the road is great guys. You know, like I said, I was watching almost famous the other day and they were talking about the amazing fucking people you meet on the road. Listen, I got to be honest with you. The road is a fucking great experience because you learn not just your art, but you learn a lot. And Michael tell you, like when you're in bands, there's always that senior band member that he's been in and out of bands for 10 years and you join. You look at him like if he, like if he's a God, even if he's a fucking bumbling idiot, because he knows his way through all these things. You sit there like an awe, like just fucking an awe. Like my first two years on the road, Doug, I was clunky as shit.

93, 94, 95. I was fucking clunky. The thing that saved me was I went to Seattle and I had to sit there for a while. And then I started doing, you know, they had one night is and shit like that. And that's when I started loosening up a little bit. But by the time, but the time I started going on the road with Rogan, I had my fucking my little schedule on the road, you know, because you started in your own car first. Ain't nobody gonna pick you up in the helicopter. Bert ain't gonna pick you up in a private jet.

That's that's 20 years in. So think again, be picked up in the worst car in the world. Think of the book of calling and going, Hey, I got work for you tonight. And you being a bum like Joey going, I don't have a car. All right, that line will pick you up. You just throw him some money for gas. You're like, woo, because I was a fucking loser when I like, I totally remember nobody shows up to an open mic and a Maserati. That's all in the fucking movies and shit like that.

The open mic is all $300 cars. There's one motherfucker who the mother lent them a fucking car and he's got like an Audi. But besides that, everybody's fucking beat the debt. And then you buy a car. Like when I started going on the triple ones, I was driving myself and it was great. You just listen, I rather drive myself. Yeah, it's better with somebody in the car. They keep you posted.

But if you don't like that person, that's a long fucking ride. He's talking. He's farting. He's burping. He's talking about shit. You don't want to fucking know. He probably wants to listen to Lou Reed and fucking crazy music in the fucking car. I don't have time for that shit.

And then you start flying. You know, when I met Joe, luckily, you know, he would buy me plane tickets and I would fly with him. And that's a whole complete different situation. You know, you got to get to hotels and you got to learn how to fucking land at the airport and where your luggage and who picks you up. And every club is different. They don't pick you up. They pick you up. You know, you have to sometimes you got to pay $90.

You're getting 500 for the week, 500 from Wednesday to Sunday and you got to pay $90 for a cab ride from the fucking assume. And listen, guys, assume that no hotel is going to be five minutes from the whole from the fucking airport. That's never going to fucking happen. You just and now at least you could like go on your fucking maps. What's called waves? You're going your waves to see what it's going to cost you how far it is. You know, you go on your Uber and go, oh shit, it's going to cost me 80 bucks. I'm fucking dead.

But think about that. You just so you have to learn bus systems. You know, it's either this $90 or a subway sandwiches all week fucking veggie and cheese. You know, I got to figure out how to turn that 90 into $5 and then I could eat a good dinner two nights and maybe pick up a half a gram of coke one night. You know what I'm saying? But why are you going to throw $50 $90 on a fucking ride? Some guy the other day, nice kid on Patreon was telling me like, you know, trying to cut me down. Like, yeah, so you understand you're going to go on the road and fucking there's going to be drinking a lot of booze and you're not going to be able to drink.

Because you're a dad and all this shit. I think it's going to be very rough on you. And I'm like, first off, you start to sound like a fucking hater. This is what you do to yourself. This is what people, when you look at those type of emails, you have to assume that this is what people do themselves when they think of seeing something new. Like when they present an opportunity to their own brain. This is what their brain does. You see what I'm saying?

So I'll say all those things. You're going to do this. You're going to be around alcohol. And I was like, what the fuck do you think? Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? I've been around alcohol for 50 fucking years. I'm 59 years old. I've been around alcohol for 58 fucking years.

What are you talking about? I don't drink. Not because I'm a friend of John's or because I might get a DUI. I don't drink because I don't like the fucking taste of vodka. I don't drink because I don't like the fucking taste of wine. I don't drink because I don't like the taste of fucking scotch. I just don't like it. So Bert and that whole crew, they could light themselves on fire for all I give a fuck.

Obviously, you don't know me too well. You don't know that pressure. Don't do dick to me. I don't give a fuck how much you listen. As long as I got my reefer, you go fuck yourself. And if the bus gets a little crazy, either two things are going to happen. He then put a gun to the fucking driver's head and I fucking take over the bus. Christopher Columbus fucking style, like Speed 2.

Nobody does shit on this motherfucker. Or I tell the bus driver to pull over at the next hotel and I abandon the ship and go to the hotel on my own. Obviously, you guys don't have a fucking clue how I do things. If something ain't going my way, I pack my bags and go home. I'm not going to argue. I'm not going to do hand-to-hand combat. I don't give a fuck. It's four fucking shows.

I don't give a fuck if Bert's in a bubble bath with fucking Tito's, the whole fucking four shows. It doesn't... Do you understand me, guys? This shit doesn't do anything to me. They have... You should be worrying about those motherfuckers. Because you got to make sure... I don't come on with a bag of fucking ABX edibles.

And you motherfuckers got to make sure... You said I'm saying, don't worry about me. Worry about them. I've been doing this shit for a long fucking time. You're not going to derail me. Nothing you can do can fucking derail me. I've heard all the stories already. Mike over here is trying to talk to me before about fucking breaking back.

Go fuck yourself. How do I break him back? Nothing you tell me is going to change my mind. When people come up to me, they're like, you got to do that. I don't have to do... Dick, I've had so many people tell me right out that I'm a hard nut to crack. There was this dude on Facebook, Joe Warner, that for years this motherfucker would reach out to me every day. With some story or whatever.

He doesn't see... He doesn't know that I would see the story coming a mile away. There was this girl that used to fucking... I met her in Vegas. Hello, goodbye. Very nice, dirty chick. You know, I liked her. But every week it was a different my fuck.

Like you and Joe Rogan should come to Utah. For what? For what? To hang out with Mormons? What am I going to do in fucking Utah? Every week she had a different my fuck. You and Ari and everybody should rent doom buggies and do that. When do you want me to find time to rent doom buggies?

In between the podcast and fucking going to the... What the fuck are you talking about? So finally I had to tell like, what are you talking about? She's like, you're the hardest nut I've ever had. Don't worry about cracking me. Just live your fucking life. Don't worry about cracking me or trying to figure me out. You're in no fucking danger of figuring me to fuck out.

I can't figure myself out. When I talk to my therapist over at BetterHelp, she fucking shakes her fucking head. So what are you going to do? What do you want to fucking do? That's what people don't understand about me. If I don't want to fucking do something, I won't do it. Did you see what happened the last two years?

They were calling me every day. I had to tell the agent, go away, don't call this number no more. And he finally went away. You could call me every day. You could borrow me every day. If I'm not going to do something, if I don't want to do it, I'm not going to fucking do it. I lost friends over it.

I have a friend right now that once told me, man, when you don't want to do something, you refuse to do it. I don't want to do dick. And people can't figure it out. They get mad at me. I had a party, you didn't come. I'm not going to tell you why I didn't come to your party. I'm going to tell you that you have a cousin that drives me fucking crazy.

You know, I have these friends now that always invite me to shit. I love them to death, but they got a, he's got like a friend that drives me fucking crazy. And he comes to everything. He always wants to talk to me about stupid shit. You know those people, like when you're watching a game and they want to come over and ask you like stupid questions. I can't deal with that shit.

But he's so tight with them, I can't insult them either. So I just bow out. I just don't do anything with them. Cause I know that if I get three fucking bong hits on me or something, this guy starts giving me an ear beating. I'm going to go off and I don't want to go off. So that's a lot of people understand. Guys, I didn't give a fuck when I was 25.

What makes you think I give a fuck now? Did you ever think about that shit? Like what makes you think when I was 25, I put a gun to a motherfucker's head and put him in a trunk of a car. And that was one of many guys. That was the ones that you heard of. I'm sitting here every fucking day going, one of these guys want to pop up back in my life.

Hey, 30 years ago Joey Diaz put a gun to my head in Harlem. These guys don't fucking, they're not part of the world culture, I guess. They don't want to see me cancel. I'm dying from one of these idiots to pop up and say, hey man, 31 years ago I looked at the pictures and I remembered it was Joey who tied me up in an apartment in Harlem. Nobody's fucking said nothing. That was me.

That was fucking who I was. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of that fucking animal anyway. You know, I looked at the picture of me, we were watching Molly's game. And we were talking about snow or something like that. And I was trying to show mercy like the Colorado Caps, you know, like the snow.

And she's like, daddy, that was you. And I go, I guess. She's like, what do you mean you guess? I go, I guess that was me. Everybody tells me it's me. I don't know who that fucking guy is. That guy, that guy, whatever the fuck he was thinking about. Right there, that picture of me standing there with the white T-shirt.

God knows what I was thinking about. Muggin, Robbin, Snortin jumping out of a plane. Who the fuck knows at that age? I don't know who that fucking guy is. I feel bad for that guy. Not really. I mean, but I, when I think of my life at that time, I feel kind of bad for me.

How lost and confused and fucking stupid I fucking was. But we live, we learn, and I'm not that person no more, but I still got that picture and it's me. Nothing you can fucking do. I got to get all those pictures and send them to the book people anyway. They want to see a bunch of, they're like, oh, just send us the pictures. I go, dog, there's picture, like maybe eight of them that you can fucking use. I've been going through those pictures lately.

I got those two pictures of my mom that that kind of foggy. I got this one that you see every fucking day. You're not going to want to see the book. So I don't know what we're going to do with the book, but the book has an official motherfucking release date of May 23rd, 2023. I know that's a long fucking time away, but I'm not the company. I didn't pay me so they could do whatever the fuck they want. Now back to fucking 420.

I was thinking about 420 last night and I got to tell you who I missed the most on 420. And that's Ralphie May. Me, Ralphie, Felipe Esparza, I got to call him today, Rodrigo Torres. There was a year we did like a run of like eight shows in weed stores all over LA. We were so fucking broke. We had no money for weed. We basically had money for like lunch or something that day. I'll never forget.

I don't even know what year this was. If I have to guess, they started doing all the 420, all the weed stores started doing comedy shows like 2001, 2002. And you know, I mean, fuck guys, they paid 50 bucks and an eighth of weed and you could smoke as much weed as you could while you were there. Are you fucking kidding me? And they give you a deal on the weed. So basically you bought weed or the deal, you know, but we would do the fucking Kushmart. Kushmart paid us the best so we would do them first. I remember they had a back room, me, Felipe.

I can't even tell you how many found Edwin San Juan. We traveled in a group those years on those 420s. It had to be three cars, five of us in each fucking car. We would just park and unload in these weed stores. There was even that doctor. When I first got my first license, it was $300. No, for the license. Like in 99, 2000, it's $250 now.

I hear, I think, in Jersey. I think it could be a little cheaper in Jersey. But when the licenses first came out, I was like, they were $200. I'm like, I can't afford 200 bucks. It was Rogan who took me and Brian to a doctor. I forget the fucking street. This guy was a wackadoo. He went to jail for doing something and Rogan took us up there.

The guy knew Rogan from somewhere and shit. Rogan was like, yeah, give him all licenses. I'm like, I got $30 in my pocket. I hope Rogan doesn't think I'm paying for this fucking license. And when the bill came, he paid for it and goes, you guys got a license now. I was like, what the fuck? And I'll never forget, we used to go to Kushmart. We used to go to that weed store on Beverly.

There was a weed store mic that had a backyard. And these motherfuckers built a stand. Like, not a stand. What the fuck am I saying? They built the stage. They built the sides. They would have fucking comedy shows. They started on 420 and then after that, the owner called us.

He's like, what do you guys think? Can we do this all the time? We were doing happy hour comedy shows. We were doing happy hour comedy shows at weed stores. So we would do, like there would be 30 people in a room, 30, 40 people. But we would do the happy hour from like five to seven. The owner of the weed store would say, just bring as many guys as you can. Just book to show yourselves.

I'll give you 300 bucks and a half ounce of weed. We'll be there at five o'clock, bitch. And we fucking go there. He'd give us an ounce. Ralphie, Edwin San Juan, George Perez. They would be rolling joints. We'd be on stage bombing. Because it's tough to make those potheds fucking laugh.

You know that. Can't make those motherfuckers laugh. We'd be up there fucking bombing. That was such a long time ago. But it was such a, I mean, when I think of those times in comedy, man, at the time you don't think you're having a good time. You're broke.

You really want money. You really want to hit it. You don't have the things you want. But I'll tell you what, man, as far as laughter, we were so rich and laughter back then. We really fucking were, man. Josh Wolf and everybody had a different spot. Like everybody would say,

well, I talked to this guy up on Ventura and he told us to go by at eight o'clock. We would just get together and go, what places are we going to? And how much are we going to mug him for? You know, how much weed are we getting? And we would just fucking hit like four or five spots. We would start at like 330.

Ari, I remember one year with Ari, when we got that fucking third eye weed and it was fucking dangerous as shit. And we told everybody about it and then we went back and they didn't have any more of that weed. I mean, guys, the times we had in those fucking 420s and those weed stores, I can't even fucking start to tell you.

Now, yeah, they were doing a comedy show at this one weed store up in the valley. I never went to it. We were over it by then. But Jesus Christ, they had a weed store we used to go to. I can't remember what the fuck it is now. These guys were 20 years ahead of that time. All right, because most weed stores,

when you go there, in reality, you can't smoke there. They sell you on it. They'll say, you know, we need to get high, but they don't, you can't spark there. They have a security guard, but this one place, they were breaking all the fucking rules.

And it was a weed bar. That's what they call it, a weed bar. So it was a weed store. You went to the store, you bought weed, and once you bought weed, if you knew the code like, you know, Stinky Pussy or whatever the fuck it was every day, they blinked and the guy would open the back door.

And you go back there and it was, he built a fucking great bar. I forget where this fucking weed store was. He built a great little bar. And each station, each chair had like a bong and like three, four to feet around you. And they had like little things to grind your weed. It was the guy really fucking hit a home run with it.

He built the little stage straight ahead. So there was a bar when you walked in, you walked in and there was maybe a bar on this side with 15 seats and maybe a bar that way with 15 fucking feet. You could buy weed right there. Like when you walked in, she would buy you either sell you joints or grams, hash.

And they even had something for the, like the bong, they would come over first and you'd rinse the bong. I'm telling you, this was state of the art fucking weed store. I don't know what happened to it. You know, when people put that much of an investment in a weed store, you know, like just before I left LA, before the pandemic, some nights I would go down to meet my agents

and Dantana is a one of the restaurants and I would see shit, you know, and I remember one night I was at a light and just, you know, there's a light in you. It's dark out, but obviously there's a reflection on your face and you're like, what the fuck is this? I'll never forget. I looked over to the left.

Guys, there was a weed store. The size of a fucking of El Nido, you know, just this fucking weed store with beautiful fucking lights and everybody had like an iPad and they come up to you and you had to go to the back and it was too much. And I remember sitting there going, it's a beautiful fucking store,

but how many grams do you have to sell to keep the fucking lights on? It's a lot of grams at 20 a piece, G. It's a lot of fucking weed at 20 a piece. Say you make eight bucks a gram, that's a lot of fucking grams. That ain't gonna last. It doesn't take a genius to tell you

the overhead's gonna kill you. Between the overhead, the nice white college educated kids and that iPad bill, it's gonna fucking kill you. It's gonna kill you. You know, people want, people want. On 420 with weed, you want to be a little bit more personal with people. The stores I own, look, I like the ice cream shop,

and I tell you why, because when you went in there, first off, they had everything. I never wanted for anything in there. If I wanted fucking THC bubblegum, they had it. It might not be any good, but they gave you the option. I remember when we were hooked on the CBD water with the oxygen, fucking great. $9 a bottle, $9 a fucking bottle.

And people were going up there every day for a fucking bottle of 16-ounce CBD water. They just got everything. But those places, you know, you got a lot of, they're small. Like, ice cream shop used to be way fucking bigger, and they got a dose of fucking reality, this, that, and then they shrunk it down, the ski shop. But, you know, you gotta keep your fucking place small

and fucking, how you gonna, and that's what happened with that dude. My point is, that's what happened. He spent, I mean, there were 40 fucking bongs alone. See what the ice cream, see what the freeze pipe cost for the bong, they can get 40 of those, even if you knock off 20 bucks for wholesale. And then he had like 10 of those ones with the fish,

with the fucking fish thing, you know, the fish, you ever get a fish tank and it comes with the little engine? No. I mean, sorry about that, I'm too old for these new wave kids. In the old days, you got a fish tank, right? And the filter was like this white thing, you gotta put rocks in there, like a cotton ball and something else, and then seal it,

and the water ran through that filter. That's how you kept it clean. Now it's done whatever. But to keep that water pumping, you had a little white engine. They had like a cord and it just went all day. I don't know what it was, 10 volt battery. You fucking electricians at home can tell me what the fuck it is. I'm not good with this shit.

So what you do is you disconnect that, a lot of people were doing it Puerto Rican way, were building an engine, and that little engine from the fish tank, they were surplining, they were going on eBay and getting them, and they work as those things that push the smoke into you. So he was getting those things built, like I'm telling you guys, he had the dabs way before dabs were dabs. I can't remember where this fucking store was.

And I think Thursday nights they did comedy, they gave you 50 cash, and an eighth, you know, I'd leave like 120 and a pound, because everybody gave you something, you know, they had hash, but man, that's the way I would do it. But that was the only place that you could sit there, watch comedy, smoke dope, you know, for as long as you could, before somebody hits you with a fucking weed breath, and you got to get the fuck out of there,

but yeah, I had some good 420s in LA, so I'm excited to see what 420 in New York's going to be like. I'm showing up over there with a couple fucking ounces of weed, you know, Uncle Joey, we're going in fucking deep, we're not fucking around here. And that's it you bad motherfuckers, it's the Wednesday 420 edition of the fucking joint. That's why we call it the joint.

When Mike got here, we smoked the fucking joint, he got a lot higher than I did. I don't know what the fuck's going on with me, I got to fucking spin it around, I think I smoked the joint, right, we smoked the... Oh no, yours was a lot bigger than mine, I had the little midget fucking joint, the little hammerhead, does the trick,

you know, gets you where you need to fucking be. But that's it you bad motherfuckers, I love you guys with all my heart. We have a guest lined up for next week, a couple guests for next week, we had one today, but he got all 420 out last night and he couldn't fucking, he took an edible of some shit and he couldn't do 11 o'clock in LA. But we'll be back next week, ready to fucking go,

I don't know if you guys are watching the fucking NBA playoffs, fucking tremendous, I've been making some money, go buy DraftKings, say hello, don't treat them like a fucking redheaded stepchild, there's money there, there's some great games, fucking Phoenix New Orleans, you got Philadelphia, Toronto, they're taking it back to Toronto,

you got some great games, I'm happy that I'm watching fucking sports, I'm getting into it a little bit. Plus now with the stand up, it's gonna be fucking better, I'm not as bored as I was, just knowing that I have that option, I feel a lot fucking better. But I gotta thank you guys for all your support

and I'll keep you posted when I know more about the tour dates and where the fuck we're going, I haven't spoken to Bert, I know where that motherfucker is, I think he's going to the moon with Elon Musk, whatever the fuck he's doing, they're gonna take over Twitter together,

I don't know what the fuck they're doing. I love you motherfucker, stay black, thank you for the support, have a happy and safe 420, don't smoke no fentanyl balls, and fucking I'll see you motherfuckers next Monday morning, tip top Magoo, ready to go,

stay black cocksuckers. All right you bad motherfuckers, it's 420, thank you for listening to the joint, thank you for watching the joint, it's 420 and I'm ready to go, the joint is brought to you by CBD lion,

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that's J-O-E-Y I love you mother fuckers with all my heart, I want to thank Lucy.co, CBD lion Zip recruiter on it, I mean you know, better help is tremendous and

I also want to thank FreezePipe the FreezePipe for their support, the best pipe to use on 420 cocksuckers have a great week, have a great weekend and I'll see you cocksuckers tip top magoo

Monday morning ready to rock stay black music music music music music music